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5 easy habits to create positive change

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

A while I was speaking to a friend who was feeling a little bit blue. She’d spent the previous weekend at a personal development seminar, and left feeling upbeat about how to create positive change and the road ahead for her business.

But over the next few days she had felt that positivity drain out of her, one good intention at a time.

Can you relate? Have you ever found yourself momentarily boosted – by an inspiring quote on social media, an uplifting encounter with a friend, or a training that brought huge realisations. And then felt that hope gradually drain away, as the reality of the to-do list and the demands of everyone else around you seeped back in?

How can we create positive change in the face of all our challenges?

It got me thinking about positivity, and how important it is to maintain a positive attitude, especially at the beginning of a new journey. Whenever I welcome a new member to one of our trainings or programs, I know she’s probably feeling a mixture of excitement, and also nervousness. That “What have I let myself in for?!” feeling. I’m sure you know it well!

It’s only natural that learning how to create positive change can feel tough at first. Let’s face it, it’s often discomfort with where we are that inspires us to do things differently. If everything was rosy… you probably wouldn’t be starting out on that journey of change in the first place.

As things progress you will start to see evidence of positive progress. But at the beginning, all you have is hope.

For those very first steps, you have nothing but faith in yourself and your ideas. And those around you can be understandably wary of change. They won’t mean to undermine you, but they may well feel nervous about you choosing to do things differently.

So how do you keep positive? How do you create positive conditions so that positive change can flow?

According to psychologist Shawn Achor, when your brain is happy, it “performs significantly better than it does at negative, neutral, or stressed. Your intelligence rises, your creativity rises, [and] your energy levels rise”.

In other words, learning how to cultivate a positive mindset doesn’t only make your day to day experience of life more pleasant. It can have an impact that allows even more positive experiences to flow your way – a “virtuous circle” if you like.

So here are some simple ideas to help you create positive change:

#1 Get grateful

At One of many we’re big fans of a simple practice called “thinking and thanking”. In a nutshell, at the end of each day, you scan back over the events of the past 24 hours and notice all the positive things that have happened. The synchronicities, moments of happiness, good fortune. It could be something huge, or it could be really small.

The sun came out while I was drinking my tea. The car passed its MOT. I didn’t blow my top when my kid pushed all my buttons.

Say thank you, and ask for more. Pretty soon your brain will start scanning for the positive in your life rather than the negative.

#2 Tell your story

This is a really powerful practice when you’re feeling low, and aren’t sure how you’re going to overcome the challenges you’re facing. Write down a positive experience from the past. Describe what happened and how it made you feel. Try to be as detailed as possible.

Reliving a time when you experienced how to create positive change will allow your brain to experience it twice, and remind you of what it feels like to achieve something wonderful.

#3 Meditate

Many of us are so busy spinning on the roundabout of our daily lives that the chance to step off is invaluable. As women we pride ourselves on our ability to multi-task. And when you’re on the path to create positive change, it can be tempting to push yourself even harder. But a few minutes of meditation every day will give you the chance to pause, reflect and focus on the task at hand.

Maybe, like me, you find the “sitting still and focusing on your thoughts” kind of meditating challenging. If that’s the case, try and find a way to connect to the present that works for you. Maybe it’s dancing to a playlist of your favourite songs. Taking 10 minutes to drink a cuppa in the garden and listen to the birdsong. In Living the Change, Annie Stoker leads a “Dynamic Meditation” sessions which are incredibly popular. Find something that works for you, and make it a habit.

#4 The Sunshine mail

Each day when you open your inbox, send a positive message to someone. You could be thanking them for something they did, or showing your support for their journey, or congratulating them for something they achieved. It could be a quick text, an email or a supportive comment on social media. What a beautiful way to feel part of a collective journey, and to make others’ lives that bit brighter.

#5 Emotional hygiene

This might be an unexpected addition to a “positive thinking” list. But if you’re serious about change, it’s important to remember that you’ll experience ups and downs along the way. That means finding out how to handle your “negative” emotions too – the rage, grief, sadness, and anything else you might encounter.

How can you safely acknowledge and express your emotions, without allowing them to take over? There are plenty of resources to help you in the Living the Change program. Or try talking to a coach, or using simple journalling exercise like this one.

Hope thrives with simple habits

Positive change cannot come from outside. But it can come from short, simple exercises that, done regularly, will rewire your brain to work more optimistically and more successfully.

How do you stay positive? Have you tried any of these? Let us know how they work for you. And if you’d like to discover more tools and resources to help you navigate life’s challenges and have the impact you’re truly capable of, check out Living the Change: our online coaching program to help you create the life you want.

Click here for full details and to join our community.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: How to stay sane during the holidays

By

Oona Alexander
Oona Alexander
Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.
Oona Alexander
Latest posts by Oona Alexander (see all)

If you have children in your life I’m sure they will have made you aware that holidays are here and an exciting time of year is approaching! You’re probably very busy with to-do lists, preparations and plans for a pandemic-proof end of year celebration with your family. Today I want to explore some simple, practical ways to stay sane during the holidays.

And even if you won’t be spending time with kids this year, I hope you’ll find these tips helpful when it comes to your own experience of the holidays. After all, I’m guessing you’re exhausted after this year of unpredictability, maybe processing grief, too. And perhaps feeling disappointed about the restrictions on this year’s festivities. A little planning can go a long way.

So, what will help you stay sane during the holidays?

I believe the key words here are kindness and connection.

Please start with kindness to yourself. This is not the year to enforce extra high standards or go the extra mile.

  • Find compassion for yourself, recognising all you have done, while navigating unchartered waters.
  • Prioritise some self-care, even if it’s just a sweetly scented bath with candles.
  • And promise me you won’t forget to eat lunch because you’re focussed on the Christmas biscuits!

Your needs come first. Kindness towards yourself will help you be present and connect with your children – and your presence and connectedness are the most precious gifts you can give them.

To help you bring in more connectedness and have a happy and harmonious time with the kids, here are seven tips.

7 way to stay sane during the holidays

1. Involve your children in the planning.

Children love it when we listen to their ideas and let them contribute to the family plans. This really helps them to connect with everything that’s happening and brings enthusiasm and a sense of ownership into events. You can do this using a three part conversation:

  1. First, ask what’s important for them about the holidays and your family celebrations this year. What would they like to do? Use this step as an opportunity to be curious and learn more about what your children’s priorities are. Then appreciate all their ideas, however wacky, and show you’ve heard them by writing them down.
  2. Secondly, bring the elements that are important to you about the holidays, for example, a daily walk or screen time limits. Make this bit as as concise as possible. At all costs avoid asking for nice behaviour or any hint of lecturing (which doesn’t work – and actually undermines your authority.)
  3. Finally bring your ideas together in a plan for the days and weeks ahead. Assign tasks.

2. Create a flexible structure to your day.

This can be as simple as having an activity in the morning like baking/crafts/walk and games/screen time in the afternoon.

A rhythm to your day helps to create predictability, which supports children to orientate, settle back into holiday mode and connect with events.

3. Include a physical activity every single day.

Giving children (and let’s face it, adults too) the opportunity to connect with their bodies each day acts like a magic mood lifter! Ideally, there’s the daily walk or bike ride, with the additional benefit of fresh air.

But, if you can’t go out, at least clear the furniture and get everyone moving by having a family disco, organising a pillow fight or giving them a fun sensory experience like being rolled along the floor in a duvet.

4. Keep your children informed.

Let your children know what’s coming up the next day. This helps them prepare and makes it easier for them to interrupt their activities, when the time comes to get into the car or say hello to grandpa.

5. Free range activities.

It can be so much fun to involve children in craft or baking activities at this time of year. The key here is not to be invested in specific results. It’s best to avoid saying things like: “No, not like that!” or “Try and make it a bit neater!”

Keep reminding yourself that, for your children, it’s the activity that’s important and the opportunity to connect with you and the process. This is what brings the sense of fun and enjoyment, not the way it looks afterwards. You can start simply by saying, “Let’s have fun with the biscuit dough.”

6. Allow feelings.

The festive season is exciting for every child and feelings can run high, with dramatic peaks and troughs. Inevitably there will be disappointments. There always are. And my best advice is to allow your child to feel these difficult feelings. This way, they pass over more quickly.

Here’s how it works: If a child says something like, “He got a bigger present than me!” we’re often tempted to try to talk them out of their feelings by offering a logical counter-argument, such as: “It’s not about the size.” But what actually helps much more is to make space for them to actually feel their feelings, by empathising. In this case you might say,

“It sounds like it’s really important to you that you get the same-sized present as your brother.”

7. Permission to create one-to-one time.

Holidays are a fabulous opportunity for the whole family to be together. But, be aware that when you’re all together, your individual children often don’t get their connection needs met. You’ll know this is happening, because your child’s behaviour will deteriorate.

So, plan in a “mummy morning” or a “daddy afternoon”. You can also do this spontaneously, if your child is getting disruptive: Invite them to have some mummy time in another room to top up their love levels. Play a game or do aeroplanes together.

When children’s connection needs are met like this, they are more likely to be able to go with the flow when they return to the bigger group.

I hope this blog has inspired you with some fresh ideas for a fun, connected holiday with your children. I encourage you to write down two or three that you would like to include in your plans. Consider how you will implement them. Who do you need to talk to?

Finally, I wish you the happiest holiday to round off this year of years, and much joy in the New Year.

To find out more about my radically loving approach and how to put empathy into practice, click here to download my free guide Solve the Struggle with your Kids.

It shares 6 Wise Parenting Powers to help you raise a secure and happy family.

About Oona

Radical love advocate | Nature freak | Perfectly imperfect mum

Oona AlexanderOona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

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10 rituals to support you when your world turns upside down

By

Kat Holden
Kat Holden
Kat has 20+ years of professional experience and has worked around the world in the private and public sector.She knows first hand the challenges that come with working in a highly competitive environment and dealing with stress, overwhelm and imposter syndrome - all the while trying to remain authentic to yourself.

Today, Kat works as one of the in-house coaches for One Of Many, alongside her own work where she coaches exceptional people all over the world, helping them to figure out how to define their lives in a positive, healthy and fulfilling way, helping them to discover their best selves and live their very best lives after their battle with cancer.
Kat Holden
Latest posts by Kat Holden (see all)

If you’ve experienced trauma of any kind, you know first hand how everything can change in the blink of an eye. It comes in many guises. It could be divorce, or death of a loved one, being made redundant, children leaving home or even a violent crime. For me it was a cancer diagnosis.

Whatever the catalyst, often the feeling is as though you’ve lost yourself. We get lost in fear and overwhelm, anger and even depression. It can feel like we are spinning out of control, that we are powerless and alone.

At a time when it’s so difficult to hold a thought, or have the strength to get out of bed and with our life spiralling, the most important first step is to reclaim a semblance of our strength both physically and emotionally.

The question is how?

My journey to thriving after trauma

As I sat in my oncologist’s office, doing my best to focus on his words but in reality just listening to white noise, feeling helpless and hopeless, he said something that snapped me out of my reverie:

“Are you listening to me Katrina? It’s really important for you to hear this… your survival is dependant on you seeing this treatment through to the end and it’s your responsibility to keep yourself as healthy as possible to be able to do so.”

My responsibility. My responsibility.

I kept turning those words over in my mind, at first feeling overwhelmed by them and then the realisation of what was happening.

The very clever oncologist had just shown me the way out of feeling disempowered and hopeless to empowered and knowing how I was going to play my part during this chapter of my life. And my focus was my vitality.

To feel empowered when our world is spinning out of control takes small consistent steps every day. It’s those steps that encourage us to get up, get dressed and live our best possible day.

Here are the ten daily rituals that took me from lost and overwhelmed to feeling healthy and strong.

10 rituals to support you when your world turns upside down

  1. Morning pages. On a good day, I wrote my morning pages, processing, ranting, raging, accepting. On a bad day, I focused on the mantra, ‘this time shall pass – just keep breathing’.
  2. Gentle exercise. I got outside every day – some days it was a 60 second walk to the gate, a 10 minute rest and then another 60 seconds back. On other days I could walk the 20 minutes to the park, the fresh air in my lungs, my mind focusing on the sky and the trees, feeling the wind on my face.
  3. Wholesome food. Take the chemicals out of your diet and stay hydrated. This part of my vitality plan was most difficult for me as the anti-sickness tablets never worked – I relied on Jo’s homemade recipe of 4 parts water, 1 part orange juice and a pinch of salt to keep my dialytes in check and the only food I could keep down were cream crackers, brazil nuts and extra strong mints – the later being my Mum’s unsuccessful solution to stop me from being sick.
  4. Allow others to help. A tough lesson for me. At the time, I was an independent corporate woman who knew all the answers. I had no idea how to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to share my fears, to show my real emotions. This chapter in my life shaped me and my relationships forever. By showing my vulnerability and finding the courage to allow loved ones to help, past hurts have been healed, love and acceptance shared, forgiveness given and received. Be brave, be you and accept that love and support from loved ones who are able to give. (That’s a whole other blog post – along with the kindness of strangers.)
  5. Mindfulness. Every day find 10 minutes to just sit and breathe. Our breath is our life force and when we are stressed we have a tendency to breath shallow and fast, some of us even hold our breath. These 10 minutes will slow your mind down and bring much needed calm to an anxious mind and body.
  6. Laughter. I guarantee you will laugh again and soon. You will find joy in the smallest of things. The restorative power of a funny film or book, listening to your favourite comedian, crying with laughter after falling down the hole in the bed after radiation treatment and having to be pulled out by two nurses… You will come through this time with moments and memories, stories and wisdom that will replenish you mind, body and soul.
  7. Love. Surround yourself with loved ones who uplift you, support you, bring you cake… the ones who bring normality into your current routine with stories of their days – the ones who don’t look at you with pity but remind you of your strength. The ones who make plans with you, who drive you to the beach, who pack blankets and pillows in the car because they know you’re going to sleep all the way home…
  8. Gratitude. The quickest and most joyful way to reignite your energy, to warm your heart, to bring clarity and appreciation for life. Whether you write in your journal or allow those thoughts to flow through your body – a few moments every day as a reminder of all you have will boost your vitality and pull you forward towards a brand new day.
  9. Rest. Good quality sleep may be elusive for a while and as it’s the corner stone to vitality, you must find a way to rest throughout the day. Whether that’s finding time to nap, or allowing others to cook the dinner whilst you have a bath, make sure you prioritise this time. And remember a relaxing wind-down routine at the end of the day can make a huge difference to your ability to fall asleep.
  10. Extra support. Whatever challenge you’re facing, or have faced, I highly recommend finding a counsellor or therapist who can help you make sense of it all and help you to heal. Our emotional resilience during any trauma is of upmost importance – it is this that takes us from surviving to thriving. The professional help I had during and after my cancer battle was life changing for me.

It was that safe space, support and the kindness that was shown to me that ignited a passion with me and became the driving force behind my own business as I went on to qualify as a coach, an art therapist and an EFT practitioner so I could support others in their success stories as they too came back to life.

What resources and rituals help you thrive?

These practices made all the difference to me. But I’d love to know your rituals – perhaps something that seems small, but made all the difference when times have been tough.

Share them in the comments below.

About Kat Holden

Kat has 20+ years of professional experience and has worked around the world in the private and public sector.  She knows first hand the challenges that come with working in a highly competitive environment and dealing with stress, overwhelm and imposter syndrome – all the while trying to remain authentic to yourself.

Kat began coaching over 10 years ago.  Her ah-ha moment came during 7 long years of serious illness.  It was then she discovered the power of coaching, personal development and modern psychology.   Unsurprisingly as Kat discovered who she was at her core, healed past traumas and fears, she grew stronger and began to thrive; her happiness and confidence exploded.   

Of course everyone around her wanted to know how this transformation came about including the doctors and specialists who had become an everyday part of life, so in 2014 Kat set up Kat Holden – Life After Cancer – Coaching & Consulting to revolutionise the way we live and work post cancer.    

Today, Kat works as one of the in-house coaches for One of many, alongside her own work where she coaches exceptional people all over the world, helping them to figure out how to define their lives in a positive, healthy and fulfilling way, helping them to discover their best selves and live their very best lives after their battle with cancer.

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Guest blog: What menopause means

By

Alexandra Pope
Alexandra Pope
Alexandra Pope is co-director of Red School and co-author of the iconic and hugely celebrated book from Hay House, Wild Power: discover the magic of the menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power.

Together with colleague and co-author, Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, she teaches a radical new approach to women’s health and wellbeing; creativity and leadership; and spiritual life based on the power of our menstruality consciousness.

With a background in teaching, psychotherapy and hypnotherapy and drawing on 40 years collective experience pioneering this emerging field of menstruality, they offer workshops, online courses, training and coaching worldwide based on the power of the menstrual cycle, and the developmental journey from menarche to menopause. Find out more at www.redschool.net
Alexandra Pope
Latest posts by Alexandra Pope (see all)

“Menopause is an opportunity”. Let’s be honest, if you ask most people what menopause means, you won’t often hear that said!

For those of you in menopause right now, you may either be scratching your head wondering what I am on… or throwing epithets of rage at me.

Bear with me!

What menopause means: a different way of thinking about “The Change”

I am not discounting the very real suffering that too many of us experience when we begin to go through the menopause.

However, I believe there is also something very powerful trying to happen at menopause. If you know how to connect with that, menopause can be experienced as a path that supports you to refine and hone who you truly are. And therein lies great freedom.

Menopause is an ending, a death process in short. Your body and soul go through a transformation, and like the caterpillar going into the cocoon, as you enter menopause you go to ‘mush’ first.

Much of the powerful emotion that can emerge at menopause is connected to feelings that can emerge with ‘endings’. You are shedding who you think you are and for awhile may have no idea what it is that you want, or even who you are. You are left feeling psychologically exposed. This is all normal and it is the prelude to waking up to what you are truly about.

This is the opportunity of menopause – the opportunity to know and accept yourself deeply.

To help harness this opportunity, you have two particular superpowers that awaken at menopause very strongly:

1. Inner knowing

As you start to let go into menopause, you will notice the veils fall from your eyes. By that I mean you will suddenly feel, sense, see and know things that you didn’t or couldn’t before.

You’ll know things that you need to do, however difficult or challenging. You’ll just know and can’t argue with them! You have both a deep instinctual knowing and can really see-through both yourself and the illusions of society, particularly all the subtle and not so subtle ways that patriarchy operates. A true ‘emperor’s got no clothes’ moment.

And you’ll have zero tolerance for it!

2. The power of No

You may well find yourself saying No to just about everything.

This is not ‘being negative’, it is about you knowing what is no longer relevant, what you do not want in your life. Be heartened by the words of Warren Buffet who said that ‘the really successful person says NO to practically everything’ and harness this force.

It’s helping you to clear the ground of all those things that aren’t really you anymore, or no longer float your boat, even as you might, for instance, be really good at a certain job.

This process can also include a literal clearing of stuff and people from your life. Some relationships bite the dust at this point. In clearing the ground you create space for something new to emerge or for what is most essential or important in you to flourish. You will find this voice of ‘No’ is uncompromising. But remember:

Behind the No lies a great and powerful Yes to yourself.

The shadow side of your new power

Like all powers, these energies have their shadow side. If you are not sufficiently mindful and self caring, the inner sight and knowing can simply be experienced as overwhelm, grief or rage (the latter two may happen regardless, but you don’t want to get stuck there). And the ‘No’ power can simply come out as reactivity, irritation, frustration and anger.

To activate these powers in a wholesome way you need time and space for yourself. Time and space for yourself are the commodities most often in short supply. You may be someone who still has children at home, elderly parents to care for, a demanding job or any combination of these. In other words, someone who has precious little time for yourself.

But here’s the rub, the one thing that your soul demands of you at menopause is time and space for you.

Time to simply be, with no responsibility for anyone.

Without it you will feel as though you are going mad, with it you will start to slowly and quietly feel the order and meaning of this powerful life transition get to work.

So how are you going to get it?

Here are 4 powerful ways to begin to embrace what menopause means, and tap into the deep well of power that is waiting to be drawn on.

1. Be aware of what is happening

Consciously name what is happening to yourself, metaphorically turn and face the change and greet it with dignity.

2. Recognise that some things will need to change

Be kind to yourself – cut yourself some slack. Do not hold the same expectations that you would normally have of yourself. No more ‘going the extra mile’ for anybody. What you do and who you are will still be enough. You need your energy for yourself now.

3. Start small

Give yourself microdoses, or one percent, of sacred time for yourself with plentiful doses of silence, and no, emphatically, no ‘to do ‘ lists or demands on yourself.

One percent is always doable. It may not be perfect but it’s something and you will begin to feel moments of relief coming into the system. Schedule it in. It might be no more than half an hour at first, but it’s all yours. Sacrosanct. The more you taste it, the easier it will be to claim. You’ll get ruthless with your schedule as you wield that ‘No’ power!

4. Write it out

Keep a journal to hand to help you drop your bundle – sometimes writing everything that’s in you head is a way of slowing down and putting the stuff of the world to one side temporarily.

And as you let go, your inner life starts to speak…emotions, feelings, memories, realisation, revelations emerge. You might feel you want to note some of that. It’s your call. I impose no rules on you in your alone time.

Menopause: A time to come home to yourself

Think of menopause as an opportunity to truly come home to yourself, get some deep rest and repair, and receive utter clarity about who you are and what you truly want. This is the recipe for experiencing a deeply creative and meaningful post menopause life.

Want to learn more about the power of menopause?

If this article has seeded something in you, and you’d like encouragement and support from a like-minded group of women as you undergo this powerful transition, we invite you to check out our online programme, “Menopause: The Great Awakener”. To find out more and listen to a free introductory webinar on the topic, click here: www.redschoolmenopause.com

About Alexandra

Alexandra PopeAlexandra Pope is co-director of Red School and co-author of the iconic and hugely celebrated book from Hay House, Wild Power: discover the magic of the menstrual cycle and awaken the feminine path to power.

Together with colleague and co-author, Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer, she teaches a radical new approach to women’s health and wellbeing; creativity and leadership; and spiritual life based on the power of our menstruality consciousness.

With a background in teaching, psychotherapy and hypnotherapy and drawing on 40 years collective experience pioneering this emerging field of menstruality, they offer workshops, online courses, training and coaching worldwide based on the power of the menstrual cycle, and the developmental journey from menarche to menopause. Find out more at
www.redschool.net

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When you can’t express emotions easily

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’re someone everyone relies on, you probably know what it’s like to keep your emotions in check. Team blowing up and a big deadline to meet? Time to smooth things over and play the diplomat. Partner furious that you’re working through the weekend yet again? Swallow your frustration and reassure them you’re not going to make a habit of it. But when you can’t express emotions at all, it can start to have a real impact on your capabilities.

Today I want to explore why that might be – andshare some ideas of what you can do about it.

Holding back emotions is common, especially for women

We often have good reasons for developing a habit of keeping our true feelings back.

Unfortunately, research shows that women can be judged more harshly for expressing themselves emotionally than men. In one Harvard study, researchers found that

“Women’s expressions of anger – because they run counter to social expectations – can decrease rather than increase women’s status and perceived competence. Displays of anger from men are often viewed as a response to external circumstances, (i.e. they were provoked), while displays of anger by women are more likely to be seen as an internal trait (i.e. she is an angry person)…

In evaluating job candidates, study participants conferred higher status on angry men than on sad men; higher status on angry men than angry women; and higher status on sad women than angry women.” – Brescoll and Uhlmann, Can an Angry Woman Get Ahead?: Status Conferral, Gender, and Expression of Emotion in the Workplace, 2008

So anger in particular is an emotion we’re often taught or expected to repress.

But any emotion, when held back, can become something that blocks us from accessing all of our potential.

In the words of One of many head coach Annie Stoker,

“Emotions don’t cause us problems, but avoiding them does”

Annie talks about ‘emotional allergies’. These are the uncomfortable emotions we try to avoid at all costs, to the point where doing so actually begins to impact our lives.

If anger is that emotion for you, you might find yourself bending over backwards to please people – and even putting up with behaviour that’s unacceptable – in order to avoid an argument.

If you’re driven by avoiding feelings of shame, you might steer clear of any kind of vulnerability. But avoiding opening up to anyone cuts you off from deeper, and ultimately more fulfilling intimacy.

These emotional allergies can run many of our behaviours – and therefore results – without us knowing about them. They can also result in what feels like uncontrolled explosions, when tiny triggers release the full flood of dammed up emotion.

Perhaps you’ve held back your fury at the systemic issues you’re seeing at work, but find yourself blowing up at your kids when you get home.

It’s therefore important to know how to release your emotions when they arise to allow you to fully process your reactions to our daily life.

Making space to express your emotions is vital

But what happens when you can’t express your emotions, even when you’re consciously trying to let them out?

Perhaps you’re making a real effort to unlock some of the anger you’ve been bottling up, and yet trying to journal about it leaves a blank page.

In our Facebook community, this question’s arisen on more than one occasion. It’s common for so many of us, it seems – we’re the “safe pair of hands”, the person who’s relied on to keep it together and deliver. So stepping out of that mindset and really allowing ourselves to get to the root of our feelings is a challenge.

Within our community, there’s a wealth of wisdom and experiences when it comes to ways to tap into those feelings and release them in a way that’s effective.

Here are some suggestions for practical approaches to releasing emotions.

What to try when you can’t express emotions

It’s important to note that releasing pent up emotion can be a vulnerable process. Depending on your experience, you might have detached from certain feelings as a defence mechanism, and you may need professional support to reconnect to them in a safe way.

If you feel that you need some extra help, do ring the office and we can help signpost you to what might be appropriate.

But if you’re confident that letting go of a feeling you’ve been holding back is something you’re ready to do, these approaches from the community might be just what you need.

Lisa suggested that expressing emotions in stages can be helpful. So if you’re struggling to express anger, you could try connecting to “disappointment”, “irritation” or “frustration” in the first instance.

“I do a fair amount of emotional release and here’s what I find: Once you release the first layer, the unconscious mind feels safe to bring up the deeper (less conscious) stuff. So sometimes you need to do it in stages.

I also find that women tend to “code” anger as hurt and men tend to code hurt as anger. So if a woman tells me she was hurt, I suspect she was also angry. if a man tells me he was angry, I suspect he was also hurt. It’s just conditioning, and as all negative emotions are essentially the same thing (resistance to love) it makes absolutely ZERO difference what the label you put on it is.

My experience is that if you’re releasing negative emotions, you’re releasing them no matter what they’re called. ” – Lisa Turner, Psycademy

Ana Goncalves had some specific advice around expressing anger, involving getting back to your physical body.

“A tip for when you feel irritated is to punch some pillows, that helps with emotional release. Or you can find a quiet spot, or put some loud music on and scream.

Accessing your anger is actually one of the best ways to connect to your power, especially if you have repressed it. I was too scared to express it, but upon doing so (as it got to a point where I needed to express or I was going to go crazy) I felt in charge and in my power and much more true with my emotions.”

And Elizabeth Calderara, a One of many certified coach, uses the Zen Letters approach to help unlock emotions through writing.

“I find it helps if you follow no rules, no grammar, no punctuation. No constraints – even just writing one word about that person’s behaviour over and over again will often unblock the stream of anger and pain in words which will then become sentences. Talk whilst you are writing at the same time.

If your voice has been stifled this is a great way of getting that person hear your truth, and you too. For me, I explain the burning of the letter as a practical way of shedding the past. Everything that exists is energy. You don’t need to keep the energy of that feeling, that person, that experience with you in your home.” – Elizabeth Calderara

How about you?

Do you find expressing emotions challenging, and do you recognise any “emotional allergies” that have evolved in your life? Share in the comments below – it could make all the difference to another woman reading this to know she’s not alone.

And if you’d like some support around exploring what might be blocked for you, do consider working with a coach. You can search by region and area of expertise in the One of many coach directory by clicking here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Society 5.0 – Our final exam as leaders

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

At a recent event I learned about Society 5.0 – Japan’s new vision for the future of society. It’s a world where a digital layer is embedded in everything we do, from drones delivering parcels to robots assisting in manual work.

It’s exciting, sure, to think about the potential of such technology to rapidly transform society. But it also brings new and significant risks. In fact, I think this might just represent our “final exam” as leaders.

Are we really ready to step up?

The more I think about the huge potential – and risk – that goes with these developments, the more I feel that we really are being called to more. Much, much more perhaps than we’ve shown ourselves capable of so far.

In my latest blog on joannamartin.com I’m sharing my personal take on the issue.

“I came away from the event feeling inspired, excited… but also, pensive.

Are we qualified to take on this responsibility? Individually, collectively… globally?

Never in my life – not even as a student – have I been so present to the “this is it – this is the final exam” feeling that I feel now.

(And frankly, if I’d failed my med school finals, one person’s career direction hung in the mix. Mine. If we screw THIS exam up – well, we’re all screwed. Properly.)”

Click here to read the full article – and I’d love to know your thoughts on this new challenge.

Leave a comment and let me know.

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Guest post: How to stop judgmental thoughts

By

Susie Heath
Susie Heath
One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.
Susie Heath
Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

Competent women all too often feel we have to supervise everything; that it’s up to us to decide if something or someone is up to scratch or not. This urge to control is often born from a deeper fear of getting things wrong. And very often it doesn’t help us – which is why knowing how to stop judgmental thoughts is such an important skill to learn.

Where judgment comes from

Did you know that most of our thoughts, feelings, and choices don’t actually belong to us? They are “borrowed” from other people, taught to us and conditioned, mostly before the age of 2. We grow up looking at the world and our relationships through these conditioned reactions.

Judgment, tolerance and acceptance put massive limitations around the possibilities in our own lives and in our relationships. Because they are all ways of closing down potential.

Judgment in relationships

We judge our own sex as well as the opposite sex, and we carry with us deep-rooted cultural judgments of each other.

For women, there is the unspoken historical accusation of tempting man away from his connection with God. Laughable though this may seem in our modern age, it is deeply imprinted in our cellular memory. And of course there are all the other damaging stereotypes and assumptions that have been used to oppress and stifle women’s freedom and power.

Men carry deep guilt too. They have been taught that nothing good came from man, only from woman; that they are bad not only for having suppressed women, but also for putting them through the pain and suffering of childbirth. At an unconscious level, men often feel they have to heal and make up for all the damage done. That can show up as trying to solve problems – but also as resentment.

We each hold assumptions about the other sex which come out in our behaviour and verbally towards each other, as you will hear in many conversations.

So imagine how it would be to stop invalidating each other.

It’s time to stop devaluing yourself and let go of all these judgments – to look for the greatness in the other and in yourself, rather than the limitations.

How we judge ourselves

You will be amazed how many of us judge ourselves to be wrong much of the time, because we hide it so well.

For instance,

  • Some religions have taught us that we are born in sin, live in sin and that sex is sinful. When you judge this, you make your very existence wrong, and limit who you are.
  • We judge our body and our talents for not being enough
  • If someone else rejects us we make ourselves wrong, rather than acknowledging that it’s just their point of view.

Thus we walk around with the “wrongness” of us locked into every cell. Our sensuality feels like wrongness, and even our joy feels like wrongness as if we are supposed to be as sad as everyone else.

When we judge ourselves we have no option but to judge others. That’s because in order to judge anything, whether good or bad, we have to have been there and done it ourselves at some level, even if only in our imagination.

It’s the difference between “What’s that?” (excitement and curiosity) or “Ooh, gross” (judgment).

The habit here is to look for the wrongness of you – it’s one we’ve all been indoctrinated in from day 1. If you’ve not conformed, you are told you are wrong, and so in order to protect yourself, you automatically look for the wrongness in others.

Judgments and limitations stop us seeing the real person in front of us and create barriers between us; they are solid and unmoving. In judging, we buy into points of view that keep us trapped.

We lock definitions of ourselves into our body that we are too young, too old, too stupid, too pink, too blue, too different, but it’s all programming. We can’t receive goodness and kindness when we create these barriers.

The more you eliminate barriers, the more information falls into your consciousness, and awareness of everything increases, which makes life so much more interesting and exciting.

How many definitions have you locked into your body? Be willing to be the inspiration and start to see the beauty that you truly are.

So what’s the solution – more tolerance and acceptance?

A word on tolerance and acceptance: To tolerate someone’s behaviour is in itself judgmental and has an element of superiority about it, as if you are better than them. It is seeing the wrongness of someone and despite that, agreeing to put up with it.

Acceptance is a begrudging of someone and who they are, and neither of these have any heart in them.

So what can you do to turn this round? Are you willing to take a risk of being open to creating something far more dynamic, where you can choose with far greater awareness?

The risk of non-judgment

Choosing to question your judgmental thoughts can feel risky at first. In asking yourself whether your judgment of someone is necessary, you’re calling into question what you believe to be true.

But a risk is a very special opportunity to transform.

We can hold on so tightly to our own beliefs and “stuff” that there is no room for anything else; we get weak if we avoid taking risks and we lose energy.

Trusting someone is a risk, and there may be some disappointment. But you don’t have to give so much importance to disappointment.

The fact that you are alive and reading this means that you are far stronger than you think, and that you can support your mistakes in life.

So when would now be a good time to let go of all these limitations and jump out? It is far better to have 1000 disappointments than not take enough risks.

It’s time to stop creating yourself as the limited being you pretend to be and claim and own the magnificence of who you are.

How to stop judgmental thoughts

So let’s get practical here. Where can you start when it comes to stopping judgmental thoughts for good?

Just saying “I won’t think that any more” probably won’t help. Instead, the trick is to begin to change the script you’re habitually using.

Start by asking yourself more powerful questions. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you ask yourself.

When you ask questions such as “What has to happen to…?” or “Who do I need to become in order to change …?” your life will expand.

Life-contracting questions such as “Why?” produce life-contracting answers.

“Why can’t I find the right person to be with?” will bring out all sorts of negative answers – because you’re too old/too fat/too thin/too young/too intelligent/too stupid/ green/bald/short/tall.

In the same way, asking “Why can’t my boss make a sensible decision?” probably won’t be a fruitful line of questioning for you.

Using “What/ when/where/ who questions instead, encourage the unconscious mind to expand and awaken, to come up with new experiences to guide you into a new way of enjoying your life.

Living in the question is the only way to break free and allows the expression of who you really are and who the other person is.

In turn this creates depth, harmony, excitement, newness, a sense of wonder and awe.

“What has to happen for me to…?”
“How can I help create…”
“Where do I need to focus my attention right now?”
“How can I honor and nurture my body today?

Start looking for the greatness and the possibility, rather than the limitations, in yourself and others.

Living free from judgment

When we’re afraid of being judged, we try and stay invisible and not let others see how amazing we are. Of course, they then do the same.

Take the lid off the box and let yourself out. Give up the sadness and embody the joy.

Dare to let go of all the things you’ve pretended to be – it’s such a relief.

When you are in allowance of who the other person is, it takes away such a large amount of effort. It’s just a point of view – neither right nor wrong.

So if you take away judgment and decision, what is left? There is choice. You can choose moment by moment how you want to live and love.

Be at choice instead of decision.
Be in allowance instead of tolerance and acceptance.
Be in awareness rather than judgment.

It will change your life.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

 

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Guest blog: What to do when they won’t listen to you

By

Oona Alexander
Oona Alexander
Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.
Oona Alexander
Latest posts by Oona Alexander (see all)

Do your children do things when you ask them to? Or, are you like most parents I speak with, frustrated because your children won’t listen or respond when you need them to? If you’d love to know what to do when they won’t listen to you, you’re not alone.

Here’s an example of what I hear regularly:

You ask your child to get ready to leave the house, come off the iPad or stop provoking a sibling. You might repeat yourself a few times with no result, so you get frustrated and start raising your voice.

If there’s still no response – or just a “No, I don’t want to” – things can escalate. You may end up shouting, issuing random punishments or confiscating their favourite things.

Finally, you’re lying awake at night feeling so bad, because the last thing you wanted was to become that mean, shouty parent. You desperately want your family to be peaceful – a place where everyone feels loved.

Is this what you’re experiencing?

What most parents don’t realise about this scenario is that you and your children are in a power struggle. You feel like you have to make them do things, which is utterly draining. Although you win eventually, it feels like a hollow victory, bringing a sense of disconnect between you and the children.

And here’s the bigger picture with power struggles. They make it hard to create the happy, connected family life that I know you want, because they’re exhausting and create ‘us and them’ dynamics, driving parents and children apart.

But here’s the good news.

You can transform this dynamic in a heartbeat, by connecting with your children.

The power of connection when they won’t listen

The reason children ignore us in the first place is because they’re not feeling connected to us or what we’re saying.

So, when they won’t listen, connection is the solution to the problem. The reason it works is because as humans we’re wired to connect – and children even more so. In any given moment your child will be connecting with an activity, a plaything, a screen or a squabble.

If you can provide connection, by helping your child feel seen, heard and loved, they’ll be more willing to let go of what’s in front of them and listen and pay attention to you. Their resistance is lowered and bringing them to do things becomes much easier.

This is true whatever stage of parenting you’re at, whether you’ve got a toddler or a teenager. It can even work with the adults in your life – colleagues, perhaps, or your partner.

And, although it does involve a bit of mindful slowing down, connecting doesn’t need to take long.

How to create connection – fast

Here’s one way you can connect with your child when they won’t listen or they’re zoning you out:

1) Put aside, for a moment, your point of view, letting go of any need to be right. I know this sounds a bit tough, counter-intuitive even, but the rewards are well worth the effort.

2) Step imaginatively into your child’s shoes and see the situation from their point of view. Then express empathy with your child about how they’re feeling about things:

“I bet you’d love to play Lego all day.”
“I hear you. You don’t want to go to school today.”
“Looks like you want to watch until the end of the video.”

When you express empathy like this, your child feels heard and understood – and that vital connection with you is restored.

3) The next step is to invite your child to do what you had in mind.

Connection in practice

Here’s an example of how a mum I worked with used this approach, while she and her family were packing up to go on holiday. She’d asked her seven year old son to clear up the Nerf gun bullets which were all over the living room.

“No!” he said. “Don’t want to!”

Previously this mum would have told her son off, thinking, “This shouldn’t be happening. I can’t have rudeness. He should help with the chores.”

But, having discovered empathy, she saw his resistance in a new light. She understood that it was his way of expressing that he wasn’t getting what he needed: the connection with her.

So she empathised with her son:

“You haven’t had any attention for two whole hours, have you? Daddy and I have been so busy packing up. You probably feel a bit forgotten about.”

Her son beamed at her, which was a sign that he now felt connected. His behaviour confirmed this because he then happily started clearing up the bullets.

In fact, he went on to do an amazing job, pulling out the sofa and putting away some other stuff as well.

That’s the power of empathy.

Empathy brings softness

When we soften and empathise with children’s point of view, children soften in response. Softening means letting go of our need for our children to behave as we want them to, for a moment, and our need to be right – and focussing on how our children might be feeling.

This may feel like a challenge, but, believe me, needing to be right is getting in the way of you having the family life you want. Softening doesn’t mean becoming a pushover. Softening means you prioritise having a connection with your child and making a commitment to them feeling seen, heard and loved.

And I promise you that with this radically loving approach you’ll transform your relationship with your child and make day-to-day family life go much more smoothly.

I hope this blog has inspired you to start using connection and empathy in your family, so you can build stronger relationships with your children and create the relaxed and happy family life you want.

To find out more about my radically loving approach and how to put empathy into practice, click here to download my free guide Solve the Struggle with your Kids.

It shares 6 Wise Parenting Powers to help you raise a secure and happy family.

About Oona

Radical love advocate | Nature freak | Perfectly imperfect mum

Oona AlexanderOona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

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Guest Post: The Inner Game of Money

By

Rebecca Robertson
Rebecca Robertson
Rebecca Robertson is the author of Evolve Financial Planning – financial planning education for women; a TedX speaker; and the seven times award-winning Founder and Director of Evolution Financial Planning.

Rebecca is known as the financial planner who is passionate about putting women firmly in control of their finances. She has helped thousands of individuals and families to achieve financial freedom and given them peace of mind that their finances are properly protected in case the worst should happen. With 19 years’ experience, she’s proud to have a 100% satisfaction rating from her happy clients.

As well as providing holistic and independent advice to clients, Rebecca’s also been featured in the Independent’s ‘Women in Finance’ and is a regular media commentator in FT Advisor and New Model Adviser, discussing financial issues particularly in relation to women.
Rebecca Robertson
Latest posts by Rebecca Robertson (see all)

When it comes to your finances, it’s the inner game of money that makes all the difference. Today I’m going to share 4 profiles that can help you figure out what your “inner game” is, but first, let’s think about the context we’re in.

How many women do you know who are super confident about money?

You know…

  • The kind who ask (or even demand!) a pay rise at work – as they know their worth
  • Who won’t accept buying a house for a penny more than the asking price
  • Or who spend money on developing their knowledge to learn more about certain subjects specifically so they can invest more or charge more in their business?

Half your friends? Less than half? Maybe only a few of them?

There aren’t many of them out there!

We all deal with money differently

Money is a far-reaching subject, so just to be clear, I’m talking here about personal finances which affect us day to day. Those areas which mean you hide that bill in the drawer, don’t return a bank phone call, or do an online shop every day.

Perhaps you feel unable to make any decisions, so procrastinate about things or guiltily leave it to your partner to do the financial planning for your family.

It’s so very natural to do these things. Often we aren’t aware we are doing it, and more often than not people don’t challenge you on it as they have their own issues they feel they should be dealing with first…

The fact is, we all tend to doubt ourselves or feel unsure of things we don’t understand. When we understand our own behaviour, we’re able to see where we can make change most effectively, and begin to introduce new habits that will actually stick.

This is why, when I talk to my clients about where they should put their attention first, I always start with this: Money is all about the inner work.

So how can you understand what “inner game” you’re currently playing? The following 4 profiles describe different ways we can approach money.

4 Money Profiles

We all have a little part of these profiles within us, often changing due to personal circumstances and at different times of our lives. These profiles are to give you a general view on your stronger profile at this time.

They’re based on general attributes which we would ‘tend’ to find with individuals but of course, they can be different for some people. Read through and see if any of them resonate more strongly with you – or if you might be able to choose one which best describes your most usual way of handling your finances.

Prominence

  • Tend to like status objects, gadgets, clothes, shoes, cars…
  • Will buy everyone a drink because they care what people think of them.
  • Can be wishful thinkers, hoping for the best.
  • Can get into debt more easily due to these traits.

If this describes you, try to be mindful that:

No matter how many objects or objects you own it cannot bring you deep happiness. Often the joy from buying is short lived. I am not suggesting you stop spending, but try to keep a check on it and consider how else your money could be spent or invested to great a deeper level of happiness or wealth.

Big-Heart

  • Generous at heart – but sometimes that generosity could replace genuine affection.
  • As any children you may have grow older, they will begin to expect more and more, and maybe not understand many money lessons themselves.
  • You tend to put other’s needs first over yours, wanting the best for them.

If this describes you, try to be mindful that: 

Financial indulgence cannot replace love and affection. Your financial needs are equally important. Buying things for others is a lovely thing to do, but is it to make yourself feel better? Get to the root of your need and you may find your finances are a little more comfortable.

Collector

  • Would tend to hoard money, prefer low risk and will want to take the safest option.
  • Tend to save in normal bank accounts and do very well at this but won’t take the next step to invest money, for example in the stock market.
  • Won’t over commit themselves and want to create security around them.

If this describes you, try to be mindful that: 

By creating financial security, you could in fact allow yourself to discover new areas of life you’ve not yet had the chance to discover. Always being in the place of “save save save”, creates other problems – like tax – and then keeping that money secure. Saving is a great thing to do – but have a plan for it.

Bohemian

  • A free-spirited individual who will use money to break free from life and day to day strains.
  • Doesn’t really have a plan or feel worried about how they spend their money as long as it gives them a feeling of joy and independence.

If this describes you, try to be mindful that: 

Life is for living and enjoying as much as you can, but there is a pinch of reality in there which needs to be considered, like your old age. What does the future look like and how can you have the best of both worlds?

What kind of money profile are you?

You may well have a blend of some of these different profiles at play – perhaps different role models around you growing up gave sou slightly different examples. Try not to go into judgement, but simply think about which are the most dominant.

What are your money habits?

When you’ve identified your money profile, you can start thinking about your money habits. How do you save, spend, invest, or give? Are any of these areas ones which you find challanging, or which are a source of tension in your life?

Congratulations: if you know your Money Profile, you’re one step closer to handling the Inner Game of Money.

Join us for Wealth Insights

If you’re curious about wealth and want to create a life with more choice when it comes to your finances, why not join One of many‘s Wealth Insights training? It’s a free, half day life workshop about all things money – to help you finally take control of your finances, so you can make the difference you want to. Click here to sign up!

About Rebecca

Cat and dog owner  | Loves the great outdoors | Tea drinker

Rebecca Robertson is the author of Evolve Financial Planning – financial planning education for women; a TedX speaker; and the seven times award-winning Founder and Director of Evolution Financial Planning.

Rebecca is known as the financial planner who is passionate about putting women firmly in control of their finances. She has helped thousands of individuals and families to achieve financial freedom and given them peace of mind that their finances are properly protected in case the worst should happen. With 19 years’ experience, she’s proud to have a 100% satisfaction rating from her happy clients.

As well as providing holistic and independent advice to clients, Rebecca’s also been featured in the Independent’s ‘Women in Finance’ and is a regular media commentator in FT Advisor and New Model Adviser, discussing financial issues particularly in relation to women.

 

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How to turn a bad mood around in 4 steps

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever had one of those days where everything’s going great – you’re rocking and rolling through your to-do list, staying on top of things, looking forward to your plans for the evening and then – BAM – out of the blue something happens that makes it all fall apart? It’s moments like that you need to know how to turn a bad mood around, fast, and today I’m sharing 4 powerful ways to do just that.

It can be all kinds of things that can derail us, right? Maybe it’s a stinking email from a client with all kinds of complaints and niggles. You know that they’ve got their own stuff going on and you shouldn’t take it personally; you tell yourself that you’re a good person and you’re only trying your best… but you still want to curl up in a ball and cry.

It could be a bit of well-meaning feedback from your boss. You were expecting a quick once-over on the presentation; she’s given you chapter and verse on your shortcomings as a writer and you’re back in Year 9 English class, squirming with shame.

Or, if you’re a mum, it might be that your carefully prepared morning has gone out the window. There’s an unmentionable mess on the carpet, your toddler’s coated in cereal and climbing the walls, and you’re wondering when it’s your turn to go for a nap.

Sister, I’ve got you. Here’s how to banish the grumps and get yourself back on track.

How to get out of a bad mood: 4 ideas

What I’m about to share isn’t a long-term solution to your overwhelm. We have those as well – but when your need is urgent, what you need is first aid. These are the do-it-fast, catch it while it’s hot techniques you want to have up your sleeve to use right away, as soon as you start feeling that negative energy creeping in.

A quick note here that a “bad mood”really can look different for everyone. We talk about 3 disempowering archetypes – Bitch, Martyr and Victim – and very often, when you start to feel yourself “sink” it’s into one of those.

So you might not be a screaming and shouting bitch. Perhaps you tend to slide into that victim mode where nothing you do is right and everyone’s always having a go at you… or you slap on a big fake smile and start going over and above what people ask you, proving to them what an incredible martyr you are…

Whatever your bad mood is like, these are the steps to take in the moment, right then and there.

1. Move your body

Changing your physical state might sound odd, but it really, really works. If you can get up and stretch at your desk, that will help – even better if you can jog briskly down the stairs and head out into the fresh air for 5 minutes.

Get your blood pumping, get some air into your lungs, and really try to move as much of your body as you can. Shaking is a brilliant way to release pent-up emotion, especially if something’s landed emotionally.

Get moving and move for as long as you can. Your mental state will respond.

2. Use the power of music

The second mood-lifter we swear by here at One of many is music. In fact, when we’re learning to integrate the 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ into our lives, we associate certain tracks with each one to allow us to really recall what that feels like in our bodies.

If you know your PowerTypes and have access to the music that connects you to them, now’s the time to use it! If not, think about the songs that best lift your state.

You might have a favourite track that gets you feeling energised and inspired; one which you associate with feeling safe and loved; or one that just puts a smile on your face.

It’s a great idea to have a mood-lifting playlist saved on your phone or computer, so that when you need to you can plug in your headphones and connect. (Unless you happen to work alone – or have some extremely understanding office mates!)

3. Question yourself

The Women’s PowerTypes are a quick way to tap into really powerful leadership archetypes, that all of us have access to. If you know your strongest PowerType, as well as the ones you tend to use least often, you have a really useful lens through which to view your situation.

For example, you might be aware that your Queen is your lowest PowerType. Perhaps that’s one reason why you often find yourself frustrated when people dont respect your boundaries.

Asking yourself the simple question “What would my Queen do in this situation?” can suddenly open up new possibilities.

4. Replenish your energy

This is point number 4 today, but if you’ve followed step one and moved your body you might well already have connected to some of your basic needs.

Did you stand up and realise with a shock that you’d been busting for the toilet for the past half hour? Or suddenly feel a wave of hunger crash over you and realise you hadn’t eaten a thing since breakfast?

It’s so common to find that you’re in need of some kind of replenishment when a bad mood strikes.

You might not be able to address it straight away (by heading back to bed, for example) but can you offer yourself a bit of love and recognition of what’s going on?

Is there some small action you can take to give yourself a boost right now?

Prevention is better than cure

These 4 steps are the tried and tested ones I use when I feel myself spiralling into rage or despair. But I trained as a doctor, and so if there’s one thing I believe in firmly it’s that taking steps to prevent emergencies are far more effective than any strategies we can use to stabilize things when they’ve already turned pear-shaped.

If you find yourself often slipping into a disempowered or difficult frame of mind, it may be that you’ve got bigger issues to address than a momentary bad mood.

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