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What brings fulfilment in life?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If I asked you whether you wanted to feel fulfilled in your life – your work, your relationships, your contribution – you’d probably give a wholehearted YES, right? But if I asked how you could actually create that feeling: what brings fulfilment in life, or how we can know when we’re fully experiencing it, you wouldn’t be alone if you found it a bit harder to articulate.

Fulfilment is the answer to making a positive difference in the world without burning ourselves out. And yet many of us aren’t really clear on exactly what we mean by it, or how we can take practical steps to find fulfilment if it’s missing. Today I’m going to share 4 powerful questions you can ask yourself to discover how much fulfilment you’re currently experiencing in your life – and what you could do to increase it.

Fulfilment isn’t static

Before we start, a quick note on one thing I know to be true: Change is inevitable. As time goes by, what brings you fulfillment will also change. So if you find yourself wondering why something you once found fulfilling seems to have lost its sheen, don’t worry: There’s nothing wrong, and you haven’t made a “mistake”.

The trick to finding fulfillment throughout your life is to choose your activities wholeheartedly accordingly to what brings you fulfilment at each stage of your life… and then when that particular season of your life comes to an end, know that you can transition, and pivot into something new. You don’t have to burn bridges or forgo commitments.

What’s your life’s work right now?

In the following questions, I use the word “work” to describe your day to day activities. At BeFulfilled, the two-day retreat where we explore these themes in more detail, we use the phrase “life’s work” as a nod to the fact that this doesn’t have to refer to paid work or a career. Your life’s work might be:

  • Raising children
  • Making art
  • Being a carer for someone you love
  • Giving back to your community in some way.

How to use these questions

You might want to grab your journal and jot down your thoughts on these 4 points, or simply sit and think about how you’d answer them. Or why not forward this article to a friend and take it in turns to ask each other these questions?

However you choose to explore, it’s worth taking the time to consider which of these ingredients might need a little more attention in your life right now. 

4 ingredients of a fulfilled life

1. Do you find MEANING in your current work?

The first ingredient to fulfilment is meaning.

Finding meaning in what you’re doing doesn’t have to mean you’re engaged in profound or even stimulating activities every moment of every day. Raising children is certainly a meaningful job, but it sure as hell involves plenty of less-than-meaningful activities – most of them involving bodily fluids.

Perhaps your work has you mired in spreadsheets or grappling with awkward clients more often than you’d like, but overall do you feel a sense of meaning behind what you do? Does it fit into a bigger picture you’re invested in – whether for you personally, for your family, or for the planet?

Which leads me to the second ingredient when it comes to feeling fulfilled:

Contribution.

2. Does your work allow you to make a CONTRIBUTION in some way?

Contribution is the feeling that you’re giving something through the work you do. That you’re making a difference to the planet, or your community, or to other people. It will look very different for everyone.

It might be voluntary work that makes a difference to your local community. A position in academia that helps move research forward. Feeling that you’re developing and growing your team into truly outstanding individuals.

To what extent do you feel that your current work allows you to give something back to the world?

3. Does your work bring you JOY?

I’m not suggesting that fulfillment can only arrive when you’re in a state of constant happiness. (For starters, I’m not actually sure that exists). But if we don’t have an enthusiasm for what we’re doing each day, it’s hard to have a sense that we’re really as fulfilled as we could be.

Joy is a feeling that many of us weren’t taught to look for in our work, and yet when we experience it, it can be a catalyst for profound change and impact that’s far easier than if you’re gritting your teeth and “pushing through” each day.

How much joy do you currently experience? How could you find more?

The final ingredient is one that feels great when we get to really experience it:

4. Does your work give you opportunities for EXCELLENCE?

Whether it’s cleaning, coaching or managing million-dollar budgets, when you’re truly excellent at whatever it is you’re doing there’s an unparalleled feeling of satisfaction that arises. Excellence occurs when your gifts, talents and abilities are utilized to the full, so that you’re really aware that you’re doing your very best work.

Excellence is something we often value greatly in others but can sometimes find it hard to acknowledge in ourselves. Try thinking about the moments when you are most “in your flow” – when time seems to pass without you noticing, and you’re fully absorbed in whatever it is you’re doing. Often, they’re the times when you’re working in your most excellent way – and can lead to a sense of intense fulfillment when you look back at what you’ve achieved.

The fulfilment paradox

Of course, while we can identify certain ingredients that can lead to feeling fulfilled, it’s also true that fulfillment is just a feeling. An emotional state. There’s no litmus test anyone can perform to decide whether or not you “should” be feeling fulfilled right now.

If you’d like to explore the idea of fulfillment more deeply, or if you’re at a point where things are shifting and you know you’re being called to adapt what once worked for you, get in touch with our team to find out what tools and programs might make all the difference.

I’d love to know what you found came up for you as you read these questions. Are there any others you’d add? Share in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How can personal development help me?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Personal development is everywhere these days – from branded journals to bestselling self-help books. But for the average woman juggling everything, it can all start to feel like one more thing to add on to your list – along with saving the world, going to the gym, and taking out the recycling. If you’ve found yourself asking “how can personal development help me?” you’re not alone.

What is personal development?

In a nutshell, personal development is any investment (of time, money or energy) that you make in yourself.

Personal development can take a number of different forms, including:

  • Profile tests and quizzes which give you insight into your patterns of behaviour and help you understand your strengths and weaknesses
  • Empowering books sharing processes or mindset shifts – you’ve probably come across a few of these
  • Workshops and trainings in specific tools like leadership, time management, or managing conflict
  • 1:1 work with a coach or trained professional
  • Practices or rituals like journalling, meditating or mindfulness

Have you come across other forms of personal development?

Sharing what’s worked (and what hasn’t) with other women is a great way for us to all expand our resources. Let us know your experience in the comments at the end of this article.

How can personal development help me?

Whatever form of personal development you decide to do, first and foremost it’s important to understand how it can (and can’t) help you.

What personal development can’t help you with

Personal development has its limits. It can’t replace technical or industry-specific training and information. If your goal is to become a brain surgeon, getting to know yourself and learning how to adopt a more successful mindset will help you manage your work but won’t replace medical school when it comes to wielding a scalpel.

And there are times when the support you’re looking for will go beyond personal development. Therapy, counselling and mental health support might be more appropriate interventions when you’re in need of deeper support, and personal development doesn’t replace those.

But if you’re looking for practical changes to your everyday experience, and tired of feeling as though you’re stuck in any area of your life, here’s how personal development can help.

5 ways personal development can help you

1. Personal development can help you stand up for yourself

You might be really clear on what’s important to you, how you want to be treated, and the way you’d like to spend your time. And yet, people in your life just seem to walk all over your preferences and, because you’re not someone who enjoys conflict, you’re not really sure how to stop them.

If you find yourself slipping into martyr mode – where you’re doing everything to make other people’s lives better and not getting anything in return – it might be time to explore how you can become a more powerful version of yourself.

Topics to explore: Confidence, boundaries, personal power, speaking up

2. Personal development can help you understand WHY things happen

Are certain patterns repeating themselves in your life? Perhaps other people never seem to respect your time and are always cancelling appointments at the last minute. Or you always seem to feel inadequate about your weaknesses, even though you know your strengths lie in other areas.

When you understand what makes you tick, and have a sense of your unique abilities as well as your challenges, you’re able to let go of a lot of energy-sucking anxiety and worry. You can look at the root cause of issues, rather than just their “symptoms”. The difference that can make in the results you achieve is often surprising.

Topics to explore: Personality profiles, mindset, habits

3. Personal development can reset your results

When you understand yourself better, you’re more able to make decisions based on your unique personality. You might choose to completely stop certain things which are always a struggle, and instead focus your energy on the behaviours which really create results.

Maybe you’re a business owner who really struggles to stay on top of your systems. Emails get lost, client details misfiled and your calendar is, quite frankly, a mess. Instead of beating yourself up for not being more organized, you might discover that your real talent lies in face to face connection and in the amazing power you have to transform individuals you spend time with. So, you decide to stop trying to “fix” yourself, hire support with the administration, and focus your energy on what you’re really good at.

The result? Outcomes way beyond what seemed possible when you were stuck wearing all the hats.

Topics to explore: Mindset, goals, how to be effective, leadership

4. Personal development can change your perspective

It’s easy for us to get stuck in “echo-chambers” or “bubbles” on social media and in our communities. When you spend all your time with people who never take a break, that can start to feel normal.

But personal development can often open your eyes to a totally different way of looking at things. Maybe your coach asks you a question about a habit you’ve never thought to question: do you really need to spend Sunday evening preparing for the work week? Would your family mutiny if you decided to order a takeaway once a week instead of cooking? Is hiring a cleaner really beyond your budget?

One of the most powerful things we can do is learn to question the assumptions we take for granted – and use them to create change.

Topics to explore: Coaching, mindfulness, abundance, mindset

5. Personal development can help you be more you

It’s easy to be sceptical about the latest “trend” in personal development, or to assume that it might lead to burning incense, hugging your boss and reciting mantras in the mirror. (All of those things are totally fine, by the way – they just might not be your style!)

The thing to remember about personal development is it’s just that: personal.

Whether you choose to start a quiet journaling habit when the kids have gone to bed, invest in a coach who can help you work out how you’re holding yourself back, or commit to a course that will change the way you think about your marriage, what you choose to do is up to you.

Topics to explore: Journalling, meditation, how to change your life

The clue’s in the name

The most powerful, successful and impactful women I know didn’t get to where they are by pushing on and ignoring their own needs. Far from a waste of your time, investing in personal development means you can make sure you’re using it in the most efficient and effective way.

If you’ve found yourself rolling your eyes at someone else’s latest personal development trend, remember that we’re all different. Taking the time to work out what will best support you might lead to something completely different – and a transformed experience.

I’m curious: what’s your take on the personal development thing? Are you a course junkie or a self-help evangelist? Or do you tend more to the sceptical side of things? Let us know in the comments.

If you’re not sure where to get started, Life’s Little Toolkit is a mini kit we gathered together of the top resources our community love to use. From how to get out of overwhelm to how to stop worrying, it’s packed with helpful advice and step-by-step tools.

Click here to download yours now – and let us know which one works best for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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5 ways to give effective presentations

By

Cath Daley

Cath Daley

In-house Coach at One of many
Cath is one of our Certified Coaches on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes. Cath’s passion is helping women to tap into their natural feminine talents to be extraordinary leaders and compelling speakers.
Cath Daley

Latest posts by Cath Daley (see all)

This blog is by Cath Daley, one of our Certified Coaches on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes. Cath’s passion is helping women to tap into their natural feminine talents to be extraordinary leaders and compelling speakers. And today, she’s addressing a thorny issue for any of us called to stand in front of a crowd.

Are women worse at presenting than men?

The answer is yes.

Why?….. because we think we are.

And it happens at all levels.

Several years ago I was at a business conference and went to hear the female CEO of a global private bank speak because it was so unusual (and still is!) to see a woman in that role and wanted to hear what she had to say.

She was introduced by a man called John and the first thing she said was “I’m sorry, I’m not as good a speaker as John so you’ll have to bear with me”. This set the bar really low because John wasn’t actually very good.

I have never yet heard a man begin his speaking slot with that sort of apology but over the years have heard many versions of that from women.

From my experience men are more likely to assess they are better than they are and tend to blag it whereas most women are likely to assess they are worse than they are and avoid it.

And it can have a knock-on effect on your leadership. Many women leaders are brilliant at what they do but miss opportunities to be more visible and gain more professional credibility as leaders because they don’t volunteer to present or avoid speaking to groups or get others to do it for them. Men get nervous too but they don’t self- sabotage in the same way women do.

So how do women self-sabotage?

1. Through Self- talk

Presenting is one of those areas where Impostor Syndrome and the Inner Critic kick in big time.

When you are put in the spotlight it can be scary – even the thought of it can trigger those negative emotions and patterns of behaviour and that’s when the self- talk starts…..

“The part of me that’s hidden away may be on display…. and I’m not good enough!”

“I know I’ll forget what I’m talking about and then I’ll look stupid”

“What if I go red? That will be so embarrassing”

“Everyone will be looking at me and I don’t look good/am too fat/ have got wrinkles etc”

“Why would anyone want to listen to me or what I have to say?”……

And although men occasionally suffer from this, as women we let it gnaw away at our self- esteem and self-confidence to a much greater extent.

2. By our body language

When you lack confidence internally it will be reflected in the way you stand and although you want to appear confident you will give yourself away.

Many women stand with their arms crossed over the body and one foot crossed over the other. We often tilt the head or touch our hair and these unconscious gestures and this body language communicate “little girl” which makes you look small and unimposing.

And this has a knock-on effect on your state as well. Research by Amy Cuddy, of the Harvard Business School, has found that a woman’s body language has a profound impact on her body chemistry. And it becomes a vicious circle because the “little-girl” stance elevates the stress hormone, cortisol, making you feel even less confident.

And one of the biggest causes of the “little girl” stance is wearing very high heels!

They may be fashionable but they add to the self-sabotage.

If you stand for any length of time when wearing very high heels you probably end up crossing one foot over the other because it’s more stable and comfortable that way and it stops you wobbling. But the consequence is that this undermines your authority because the “little girl” stance can be perceived as very defensive and it indicates a lack of confidence and you come across as shy and insignificant.

So when wearing very high heels the choice is between wobbling and looking defensive neither of which enhances your presence as a speaker.

3. Through the language we use

In her book “The Language of Female Leadership” Dr. Judith Baxter, a linguistics expert from Aston University in the UK, asks whether language is a reason why women in business are under-represented at senior levels of leadership.

She found that women are more self-deprecating and try to avoid conflict. She goes on to say that “It may be seen as a bit of weakness on the part of women, because you are not playing the game in the same way” and this can have a detrimental effect on how women are perceived as successful leaders.

Women often tend to soften their statements by using qualifiers which limit a word or phrase e.g. “I just thought,” “ I’ll try to get it done by Tuesday” or “this might be a better way” and this undermines your authority.

Qualifiers dilute your message and reduce your impact.

So what can women do instead?

Tip 1

Make friends with your Inner Critic and dispel Impostor Syndrome. If you’re part of the BeOne community, you can listen to the Softpower casts on Impostor Syndrome and Inner Critic to help you do this. (Not a member yet? It’s free to join, and you get access to lots of free resources: click here for access).

Tip 2

Leave the very high heels at home! Instead wear the size of heel that you can comfortably stand in for hours.

Tip 3

Instead of adopting the ”little girl” stance practise standing like a Queen for presenting. That calm and grace convey a sense of authority, and a Queen always has great inner confidence.

Tip 4

Avoid using quantifiers like these……

Try
Maybe
Possibly
Perhaps…
With luck…
Might
Hope to …
Would like to…?
I suppose …

Tip 5

Being able to present well is a skill like any other. If you feel that you need to develop your skills then make sure you get some great presentation skills training.

Many presentations skills training courses are based around acting skills and will teach you how to “perform”. In my experience they don’t work well from a leadership or a business perspective because you can come across as inauthentic so make sure that the course teaches you how to be confident being yourself when presenting.

Women are fantastic at presenting when we learn to stop the self-sabotage – and that’s easy when you know how!

Cath Daley: How to make effective presentationsCath is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Cath, and how you can work with her, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What to do when you’re jealous

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Who do you know who’s annoyingly perfect? Maybe it’s a friend who’s given up drinking and carbs for pre-dawn yoga sessions, and looks about ten years younger. An ex-colleague who’s  out there killing it and soaking up the praise, while you’re stuck behind the same old desk. Or the mum in the playground frolicking happily with her kids without once checking her phone or losing her temper. It’s an icky feeling, but if you recognize what I’m talking about, you’re definitely not alone. Here’s what to do when you’re jealous of someone.

A while back I joined a high level mentoring program full of scarily successful women entrepreneurs doing big and inspiring things. One of my fellow participants was a really inspiring woman, who had once been a client of mine. I’ll never forget one session where she described the way she’d grown her work.

As she spoke about her business, I remember thinking that it almost felt like watching a virtuoso performance by a concert pianist. She absolutely lit up as she shared her passion.

I took in the amazing wisdom she had about what was going well and why; the trust and sense of purpose coming through in her words; her insight into her process and the theories behind her actions.

Everything about her exuded flow and connection. She evidently deserved her success. And I’d love to tell you I was filled with happiness and joy at seeing her finding her “thing” and doing what she loved, but you know what?

Instead, I felt myself shrinking and shriveling inside. I was comparing myself to her – and the experience wasn’t pleasant.

The truth about competition

When we see someone else succeeding, it is so, so easy for a mindset of competition to creep in.

Competition is a signature ‘masculine’ energy. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel it as women, but it gives us a very different experience to when we’re connected to more feminine energy. Competition can be a really helpful tool to harness – think about when we’re aiming to beat our own performance and improve our results – but when it comes to thinking about someone else’s success, competition can actually be less than helpful.

Instead of thinking about how inspiring it was that this woman had achieved such amazing things, I was starting to ask myself “why am I not as good as she is?”

And before I knew it, I was in a state of complete insecurity. “What have you been doing?” the voices in my head clamoured. “Look how great she is, and now look where you are! Nowhere! You’ve been coasting along taking it easy when you could have been getting results like that!”

Comparison like that is a trap. If you’ve ever found yourself in that kind of mindset, you’ll know how fast it can take over. The criticism we generate for ourselves is rarely fair (in my case, the ‘coasting along’ I was berating myself for included having an actual baby, for goodness’ sake!)

And this is when we can start to get hostile towards the other person. To imagine them judging us or looking down on us. Have you ever heard the phrase “tall poppy syndrome”? It’s that thing where we see someone enjoying success and we want to tear them down, to bring them back to our level.

That kind of thinking is very much rooted in competition, because it places our goal not as rising together, but as needing to get ahead of someone else by any means necessary.

Next we start to make excuses. “It’s not fair.” or “She must have better connections”. All those mean things our brains come up with when we’re feeling less-than someone else, right?

What to do when you feel jealous

So what can you do if, like me, jealousy takes hold and you find yourself in a vortex of insecurity?

1. Replenish yourself first

It won’t surprise you to hear that the first thing I did was to take myself out for a walk. Notice those feelings; have a glass of water; get some fresh air.

Take care of your basic needs and you’ll be far better placed to respond from your higher-level self and not that lizard brain (which might well just need a sandwich and a walk round the block to calm down a little.)

2. Next, go deeper

The simultaneous curse and blessing of our insecurities is that they are the gateway to deep, rich and rewarding human connection. Any time our insecurities come up, it’s usually because we’re opening ourselves up.

So if jealousy has reared its head, don’t dismiss it or try and ignore it. You’re feeling it for a reason – that person has something that you desire. The unkind thoughts we often feel are simply a mechanism by which your mind is trying to protect you. By projecting your insecurity outwards on to the person you’re jealous of, it’s defending you from feeling inadequate or small.

Take a few minutes to connect to what you’re feeling and identify: what is it specifically that you’re jealous of? It might be deeper than you think at first, so give yourself some time to explore it.

If you’re jealous of someone’s business, what does that mean? Would you like to have the sense of accomplishment, financial success, or public profile that the other person has?

Find out what’s at the root of the feeling, and you’ll know where you’re ready to grow. 

3. Remember: they are human too

Now you’re clear about what your jealousy has flagged up for you, take some time to remember that however amazing they are, the person who’s brought these feelings to light for you is definitely not perfect. No one is!

They have their own doubts, fears, and challenges. And even if they don’t seem to have any insecurities at all, they are still on a journey of growth and evolution.

4. Recognise your own strengths

Ask yourself: What am I great at? What am I grateful for? At this stage I invite you to, literally, count your blessings!

So your marriage might not be the world’s greatest right now – but you’ve been pouring a ton of energy into supporting your team, and you know that it’s made a huge difference to their lives. Or maybe you’re

  • a brilliant problem solver
  • a calm and courteous driver
  • the best at bringing humour to the driest of meetings

…Or something completely different. Think of all the things you’re great at; all the ways you make a difference to the people around you. There are probably people out there who are jealous of you!

5. Be Vulnerable

Now, return to that desire that jealousy has opened up for you. There’s an opportunity here, for the sharing of wisdom, and for connection. An opportunity for growth, which will only come from being vulnerable and opening up to the person you’re feeling jealous of.

I use this simple script: “I see you’re great at X. How do you do that?”

They might be a great parent.

“You are always so calm with your child. How do you do that?”

Or perhaps they’re great at motivating their team.

“Your team are so loyal. I can see you have an amazing relationship. How do you do that?”

Get curious, and allow yourself ‘not to know’.

Because this is where we really find the deliciousness that lies on the other side of insecurity. Where we are able to use our jealousy to open us up to learning new things.

Jealousy can allow you to receive wisdom from others that might really transform things in your life.

Insecurity and comparison unite almost all of us at points – whether it’s hidden or overt. Learning to spot it can be an amazing opportunity to grow and learn, and is a huge part of us stepping into collaboration instead of competition when we see other women succeeding.

And that’s exactly what I did with the woman in my mastermind. I asked her to share how she achieved her amazing results – and the result was learning I would never have experienced if I hadn’t allowed myself to connect with the jealousy, and move into a vulnerable place of learning.

Could you do with more support?

It can be challenging to dig into feelings we’re not proud of, and to know exactly where to start when it comes to creating the life you really want. If you want to make the most of your time and start turning challenges into opportunities to step up and make a real impact, working with a coach is a great place to start.

Our coaches are skilled in applying our cutting edge tools and methods to help you up-level in your life, and have all been certified through our rigorous training, feedback and certification process. To find the right coach for you, take a look at our easy to use directory where you can search by location or keyword to find the right person to support you. Click here to find out more. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Mindfulness: where to start

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Mindfulness is the practice of bringing awareness to the present moment, or what is actually happening. It can be easier said than done – most of us spend a lot of our time either processing what has happened in the past, or projecting and planning the future. Here are some tips if you’re curious about mindfulness: where to start, how to come back to being mindful if you find yourself caught up in old patterns, and why it can be such a powerful practice.

Why mindfulness?

Mindfulness has been practiced for thousands of years and forms an important part of the Buddhist tradition, where it takes the form of meditation. Other common ways to experience mindfulness include yoga, mindful eating, classes, and online courses and apps. Since the 1970s, it’s been increasingly used within Western medicine as a way to reduce stress, anxiety and depression.

In the UK, mindfulness combined with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is currently recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) for the prevention of relapse in recurrent depression.

Many people have reported that mindfulness has helped reduce stress and anxiety and enabled them to cope better with the demands of their busy lives.

In the words of our Head Coach Annie Stoker, mindfulness is

“A tool to become totally aware in the present moment, feel radically alive and completely open to your own experience. Not only can life become more vivid, enjoyable and interesting, but mindfulness also brings the opportunity for profound healing of unhelpful mental and emotional patterns.”

Mindfulness: Where to start?

If you’re curious about mindfulness, and how it could have an impact on your life, it’s important to remember that mindfulness is most effective when it’s used as a practice: something you do regularly, ideally daily, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time.

If you’re someone who tends to dive into new ideas you might be tempted to sign up for a week-long retreat, or commit to an hour of mindfulness every morning at dawn. Those things can be great, but can be hard to keep up over the long term, which is how you’ll receive the best benefit.

Here are three ways to start introducing mindfulness into your life.

1. Start with a plan

If mindfulness is a practice you’ve been thinking about trying, start by planning how you’re going to incorporate it into your day.

Like exercise, mindfulness isn’t something that will create lasting change overnight, so think about how you could realistically include it in your life.

Are there particular times when you know you’ll be able to create the space to change into a different mindset?

Here are some ideas for how to bring mindfulness into your day:

  • Get up slightly earlier each day and practice mindfulness in the quiet of the morning
  • If you make a regular journey, like a commute or school pickup, commit to spending some time being mindful at the beginning or end
  • Practice mindful eating for a meal, snack or cup of tea each day
  • Give yourself a few moments of mindfulness before you go to bed
  • Instead of listening to music or podcasts, try incorporating mindfulness into your regular exercise routine: walking, running or yoga

2. Be consistent, not perfect

A lot of us have the impression that the “perfect” way to be mindful involves smiling peacefully to yourself as you connect to your inner sense of zen.

Well, sometimes that can be the case – but mindfulness is an invitation to connect to the present moment and really become aware of what you’re experiencing, both in your body and your mind. Which, unless you’re some kind of saint, won’t always be calm and serene! In fact, you might be experiencing anxiety, sadness, anger or frustration.

The point isn’t to “fix” what you’re feeling, but to become aware of it.

So don’t be tempted to skip a session if you’re not in the ‘right’ frame of mind. The purpose of the practice is to become aware of how you are in that moment.

If you’re feeling stressed or worried, give yourself the space to pay attention to exactly how that’s showing up (hunched shoulders? churning tummy?) for the time you’ve allocated to yourself.

It’s the commitment to pausing and paying attention at moments of tension that can be the most powerful way to change our patterns.

3. Notice what changes

When you’ve started a new activity, there are two benefits to noticing how it’s impacting you: it can motivate you to continue, and it can also show you where you might want to change your approach.

If you don’t do it already, journalling first thing in the morning (“morning pages” as taught by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way) is a fantastic tool for tracking your emotions and recording how you’re doing when you make changes in your life.

Notice if after a few weeks or months mindfulness has an impact on how you’re responding to challenges or upsets, or your approach to what’s going on in your life.

Ask yourself if practicing mindfulness has felt challenging at all, and whether it’s time to make any changes.

For example:

  • Could you change the time you’re practicing? Perhaps you’re too tired at night and it would work better for you to get up a bit earlier so you can be mindful before work
  • Could you set up prompts to help you be more consistent? An alarm on your phone, or an app that might support you if you find yourself forgetting or skipping sessions?
  • Could you find support or training? A local class, coach or online group to answer questions and help overcome the feeling of ‘not doing it right’?

When you just don’t have time

If you’re thinking “I’d love to make some time to be mindful – but I barely have five minutes to myself these days” then it might be time to create some time to nourish yourself before things get too much.

BeFruitful is our signature time management program designed by women, for women – and we promise it will help you find an extra 5 hours in your week, at least. Read the full details and book your place on this life-changing training by clicking here.

Not every approach works for every woman. But unless you give it a try, you won’t know if this is a technique that might make all the difference. With the current levels of stress, anxiety and burnout in women it’s vital that we each find the ways that work best for us to maintain our wellbeing and take care of our physical and mental health.

Have you tried mindfulness? How did you get started, and do you have any tips to share with anyone who’s curious about bringing it into their lives? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Time management tools for women

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The statistics speak for themselves. In 2018, according to the UK’s biggest survey into stress and its impacts, 81% of women said they felt overwhelmed or unable to cope in the past year. (That’s compared to 67% of men). So if you’re searching for the perfect time management approach for women with too much to do and too little time to do it in, we hear you.

Staying on top of everything you’ve got on your plate is no easy task.

But all too often, the time management or productivity advice we’re given just doesn’t seem to work. Can you relate?

It’s incredibly frustrating to spend ages researching systems for getting organized and boosting productivity… only to find that the miracle new app or “revolutionary” system works for a week or two at best, before you’re frazzled and fed up once more.

The answer? It may be that the time management tools that work best for us as women require strategies that aren’t always taken into account by traditional advice.

If you’ve tried every other time management tool on the market and nothing seems to work, consider these 3 shifts to how you approach the tasks on your to-do list:

1. Stop thinking about time

One of the biggest issues with time management tools is that the clue to what they focus on is in the name: time.

It’s taken for granted that you can achieve a certain amount in a certain amount of time. So, over the course of a day, you might have 8 hours in which to complete your allotted tasks. In that case, it’s just a time of slotting them all into place… like a giant jigsaw. Right?

Not quite. At One of Many™ we’ve found it’s more helpful to focus less on the time you have available each day, and more on the energy you are able to draw on at any given time.

After all, an hour after an amazing night’s sleep, at a time of the month when you’re feeling energetic and gregarious, is going to look a whole lot different than a Friday afternoon, bloated-and-miserable hour when you’re utterly depleted and just want to crawl into bed.

If time management feels like it’s just scratching the surface, perhaps it’s time to reframe what you’re trying to achieve. Start thinking about what you need to get done not in terms of how long each task will take, but what kind of energy you need to complete it.

2. Use your cycle

When you’re looking at your tasks in terms of energy, the obvious question becomes: how can you know what energy you will have available to you, and when?

Now, there are always going to be unpredictable ebbs and flows in your energy. If you’re a parent, you never know when someone’s going to get sick, or have a bad night, and need soothing that comes at the expense of mum’s rest. There are sudden flare-ups at work, and deadlines that can leave you unexpectedly depleted – we all get sick, or have off-days from time to time.

But if you start making a note of your energy levels at different times, you’ll almost certainly start noticing a pattern or a cycle. Even if you’re not menstruating, energy tends to follow predictable waves – from the very simple pattern of having more energy early in the morning, or the classic post-lunch slump, to noticing you’re more extroverted or creative at certain times of the month.

Pay attention to your individual rhythm and you’ll likely start to see why time management tools can only work for so long. It might be that you’re enthusiastic about embracing a new system until that one week of the month when it feels as though the world’s crashing down around you. Adjust accordingly – and see what difference that makes.

3. Start saying no

This might not be what you want to hear if you’re the kind of woman who prides herself on everything she manages to get done. I get it. We want to be amazing mums, loving partners, and world changing leaders. We want to be successful and we want to make big change in our corner of the world.

But whether we’re talking about time or energy, one thing is clear: we only have a finite amount of space to do what we want to. Getting really good at discerning what you want to spend your time on, and having clear boundaries around what you don’t want to focus on, is essential if you’re going to be able to be the leader you want to be.

The bottom line is, time management is never about amassing techniques so that you can get even better at doing even more stuff that’s not important. It’s about getting crystal clear on who you are, and what your difference is to make – and getting rid of anything that actually doesn’t fulfill or serve the difference that you’re put on this planet to make.

How about you –what’s your approach to productivity and time management? Have you found tools that you love, or is there a particular aspect that’s still a challenge? Let us know in the comments below – someone else might have exactly the solution you’re looking for!

Want to get to grips with how you use your time?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and as though things are getting on top of you, then you’re not alone. 81% of us find ourselves there from time to time. So we’ve developed a really simple tool to get you back on track. It’s called the Overwhelm First Aid Kit and it’s helped thousands of women take back control of their busy lives. You can download it free by clicking here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Want to change your life? Read this first

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Whether it’s a career change, a house move, or the end of a relationship, change is hard. It’s crazy, right – you can be in a job that feels like it’s sucking your soul, an eating pattern that has you feeling like absolute crap or a relationship you know it’s time to end. And yet when it comes to actually making a big shift, it can feel like wading through treacle.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking “if it were that easy to change, then I’d have done it already!” then read on – I’m going to shed light on the huge thing that might well be holding you back from turning the change you crave into real action.

Why is change so hard?

When we get bogged down by our fear of taking action it’s usually because we’re being held back by something deep. Something internal, something which we’re often not even conscious that actually impacts us.

And that is shame.

Shame is an amazing emotion for controlling us. When we shame somebody else, it’s often an attempt to stop that person from doing something that embarrasses us.

I remember using it as a teenager. When my father took us out for dinner he had a tendency to be really obnoxious with the waiting staff, and it used to drive me crazy. So I would make fun of him and how he was with the staff because I didn’t want him to embarrass me by treating people in a way which I didn’t agree with. I was consciously trying to lever the power of shame to force him to change.

That’s how big a tool shame can be. The trouble is, as we grow up most of us experience it not as something we’re using (hopefully we’ve developed slightly more advanced ways to communicate our values with those around us!) but as the invisible block that stops us moving forward.

How shame blocks change

When we’re looking at changing our lives, it’s usually because we want to make our life more aligned with who we are.

We want to experience more joy in our life, in our work, or in our relationship, and we know instinctively that the path to more joy is to be more of ourself, to be more authentic, to be more vulnerable.

But to be more authentic, and to be more vulnerable, actually means showing more of ourself to the world.

Even declaring the change that we want to make: “I want to make my green smoothie everyday because I know that will make me healthier”.

…Is quite possibly to be met with a reaction we don’t want. So the commentary swirls round in your mind…

“Will my colleagues think I’m crazy because I want to make a green smoothie instead of grabbing a giant sugary latte like I usually do?”

“Is my husband going to have a go at me because I want to spend a small fortune on a blender?”

Or maybe you really want to have sex more frequently, and that’s the change you’re gearing up to try and make. What will happen when you tell your partner that’s an issue for you? How is that going be met? What will they think?

When it comes to changing something in your life, whether it be your lifestyle, your intimate relationships, or even stepping into more leadership at work, all kinds of fears come up.

It  brings to light who we are at the core, and what is authentic to us. And in doing that we’re also shining that light into what others don’t know about us, and that can really trigger shame.

If you’re thinking about making a career change, you’re saying “this is no longer working for me”, to your family, to your friends. It’s like saying “look – here’s who I really am, and it’s not this.”

The unspoken question then becomes, “Well, who are you? And are we going to approve?”

Because when we step into our true selves, when we declare more of ourself to the world, it brings out who we are.

We get exposed at a deeper level, and that can really cause us to be open and vulnerable to criticism, to be open and vulnerable to shame.

And if we’re still bringing and carrying a lot of shame from our past, that we’re not even conscious of, then it can stop us from making those changes.

Moving past shame

Frankly, it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks about whatever it is you want to change. If it is more authentic and more aligned with who you are. If this new habit that you want to bring into your life. (This new job… new relationship… whatever.)

If it’s more aligned with who you are at a deep and individual level, then absolutely you should do more of it, but you have to move through vulnerability to get there.

If you’re thinking about making a big change and wondering what keeps getting in your way, one of the things I highly recommend doing is watching Brené Brown’s great TED talk on vulnerability.

One of the things she says, if we want to experience more of the positives, and the richness, the joy and the love… All of that great stuff happens on just the other side of vulnerability.

And to get through vulnerability we have to go through shame.

We often numb ourselves from experiencing shame with things like alcohol, drugs, too much sex, too much work, too much exercise. All things which will block us off from having to feel vulnerable, and move through to this more joyful place.

To become leaders, we need to move through vulnerability

What we need to do as women who are growing, as women who are stepping into leadership, which is an incredibly vulnerable place to be, is we need to get okay with whatever we’re feeling ashamed of, and let it go.

We need to step into our vulnerability.

We need to open up to the opportunity of feeling ashamed or embarrassed again. Because on the other side of that, lies the change we’re feeling called to make: and the impact we are truly meant to have.

If you could do with some support to open up and create a big change in your life, then working with a coach might be the answer you’re looking for. Helping women move through big changes and overcome the subtle, self-sabotaging shame that can stop us in our tracks is something coaches specialise in.

No idea where to find the right coach for you? Click here to access the One of Many coaching directory. You’ll find skilled, trained coaches specializing in supporting women in everything from career to health, and a whole lot more – or you can search for someone in your area.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Are you tired? How to boost your energy without getting more sleep

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Are you tired? Maybe that’s a silly question. A lot of us get so used to ‘running on empty’ that we barely register we’re exhausted any more. Instead of feeling awake at the start of the day and tired at the end, we’re existing in varying shades of knackered: from flat out exhausted (yet somehow keeping going) to just that state of background fatigue that’s become normal.

But having energy to do the things you want to, and still feel good, isn’t just a luxury. It’s essential if you’re going to have the impact you’re capable of with your life.

Feeling like you’re not only functioning, but ready and even excited to get started on the activities ahead of you is something that everyone of us has the potential to tap into.

What’s more, being tired can actually be dangerous

According to Barna Group, a research group in the States, only 39% of us are satisfied with the amount of sleep we’re getting, which means that 61% of us are probably feeling pretty tired. It really matters because according to another piece of research, this time from Harvard Medical School, if you’re only sleeping four to five hours a night it’s the equivalent of operating with a blood alcohol level of 0.1%.

So most of us are trying to manage our lives, our businesses, our work, and our teams with impaired executive functioning. You are not alone. It’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility to do something about it.

Let’s start by getting honest. How often do you feel tired? Is it every day? Is it once or twice a week? Are you feeling run down on a month-by-month basis? Is it very rare for you?

Write it down, get clear, be honest with yourself.

So why are we so tired?

Well, the problem often starts with the way we’re shown how success works. For example, I started my working life as a medical doctor. This is a realm where 24-hour shifts are not unknown. I used to work on the oncology ward for 12 days on, two days off. And those weekends that I worked, one was a 12-hour day and one was a 14-hour day. So it was hardcore, and as you can imagine, pretty exhausting.

It may well be that you also got trained inside an organization which was run on similar lines – where pushing yourself and working all hours was something the senior people, the ones you looked up to, always did.

And yet the evidence is clear: it’s not healthy, or even effective, to be operating at a state of depletion. Let alone the fact that it’s not much bloody fun to be on your knees with tiredness all the time, right?

Just as we were ‘raised’ in a culture where tiredness was often celebrated, it’s up to us to change that for the women looking up to us if we want to model a different way of doing things.

So, what can you do if you realise you really are feeling pretty knackered all the time? How can you boost your energy without sacrificing the many important things you do each day, or doubling the amount of sleep you get each night?

The good news is, there are some really effective strategies we can use to boost the energy we have available to us, even without changing the amount of rest we get. If that sounds too good to be true, then read on – the 3 tips I’m about to share could have a real impact on your life.

Are you tired? 3 changes to boost your energy without getting more sleep

1. Replenish yourself

If you’re in a state of chronic tiredness, and you’re experiencing that loss in executive function; indecisiveness maybe, or an inability to make clear decisions, then you’re probably not in the best place to think about about the changes you’ll need to make to deal with your tiredness.

The good news is, you don’t need 14 hour’s sleep or a day at the spa to get back some of your energy. (Though if either of those are options for you right now, I give you permission to grab them with both hands…)

Some fresh air, movement, and making sure you’re hydrated and fed will give you the base you need to think about other changes you can make. Drink a big glass of water; make yourself a snack and head out for a quick walk round the block. It’s amazing the boost these simple things can give you.

Come back, and it’s time to take a look at real changes to make a difference to your days.

2. Batch your tasks

One of the biggest ways we leak energy is when we switch between tasks.

You’re in deep focus mode preparing a project, and then your email pings. An urgent message has come in, and you’re back in your inbox, only while you’re there you remember a few other things you ought to do. Whoops, there’s that email from a friend you meant to reply to last week, only you didn’t have time. Should you do it now? Before you know it, 5 minutes has become an hour and by the time you return to the big piece of writing you’ve totally lost your train of thought.

It’s those moments of switching from one kind of energy to another that can really deplete us over the course of the day. Ever felt slightly groggy after being on social media for a while, as you tried to remember where you were before you went in for a quick look at what was going on? Those sluggish, ‘where was I?’ moments build up to sap your focus from the things you want to be doing, not to mention the way we often beat ourselves up about procrastinating.

Often, it’s not the amount of things on your to-do list that is the problem. It’s the number of different energies on your to-do list on any given day.

You know you’re shifting from energy to energy when the laundry looks really attractive instead of doing some work. Or when you just need to go for your third cup of coffee for the morning and it’s only 9:30am…

That’s often an internal kind of identifier that you’re shifting energy from one energy type to another energy type. Whereas, say you’ve got 15 tasks on your list for today, you might actually find that they can all get batched into just three different energies. And if you re-organize your day to do them together rather than just starting at the top and going down, you’ll find you’re much less tired when you get to the end of your day.

In Be Fruitful, our 6-week online training that helps busy women free up 5 hours a week (at least!) to do what they want, we delve into this in much more detail. (Click here if you’d like to get the full lowdown on the training). I call it Batching for Energy Matching and it’s a foundational principle, because it makes such a difference so quickly.

As a starting point, try taking 10 minutes at the start of your day to block out time for the different things you’ll need to do, and when you’re best placed to do them. Do you like to ease into your day with some admin tasks while you sip your coffee and get into the swing of things? Or do you prefer to get the big, scary tasks done so that you’re relaxed for the rest of the day?

Paying attention to the ebb and flow of your natural energy and grouping your tasks accordingly is the best way I’ve found to change up my energy, reduce my tiredness and ultimately maximise the impact of my work. I’d love to know how it works for you.

3. Find your rhythm

I don’t know about you, but every month I go through four pretty distinct seasons of energy. A winter where I want to withdraw from the world, a spring, a summer, and an autumn.

We all have cycles. And even if you’ve been through the menopause, a lot of postmenopausal women tell me that they still notice that they are cyclical. That their energy levels cycle.

My third suggestion is for you to start to think about yourself as a being who goes through cycles and rhythms which can be predicted and relied upon. And to realize that, if you start to harness those natural advantages, those natural strengths and those natural optimum times that you have, that you might be able to create real shifts in your energy levels.

One of the most powerful ways to bring rhythm to our life is through the use of ritual. And this makes sense when we look at the scientific research behind it because human beings really are creatures of habit. Ritual, rhythm orientates us in our life and helps us tap into the energy that allows us to be most effective with the least stress and depletion.

You will have times of the day where you are at your peak for different tasks – start to notice it about yourself. And then start to lay a ritual into the day to help you be ready for those things.

So for instance, I have a ritual to start the day. I get up, I go down into my kitchen, I make my tea and I do some morning writing. Three pages every single day, and then I have a little way of getting in contact with my purpose, what I’m up to.

Then I have little rituals to help me transition through parts of the day. So when I leave my house and commute across the garden to my studio, I walk the long way around. I go out through my front door the long way around through my garden, and just that extra minute or so that’s part of the ritual of coming into my studio here and doing my work for the day leaving family, mummy over in the house and having this separate space.

As the old adage goes, if you fail to plan, you’re planning to fail. Well, I would say, if you fail to plan like a woman, you’re planning to fail as a man.

So always overlay any planning process you have with the recognition that you’re a cyclical creature who is not as necessarily as modal as your average man.

Managing our energy is such a huge part of being the leaders we are able to be, and so I’m always curious about how this goes for you. Leave a comment below, and let me know if finding a rhythm and batching your tasks to match your energy makes a difference in your day-to-day tiredness. I really would love to find out.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How is wellness different from health?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When it comes to taking care of yourself, making sure you’re in optimum health has got to be a priority for all of us.

It’s fundamental, isn’t it – if we’re not physically doing OK, there’s no way we can perform at our best intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually. If you’re sick, injured or unwell, you’re probably not going to do much at all.

But when it comes to looking after ourselves there are a lot of different concepts floating around. It can start to get confusing.

How is wellness different from health? What’s really necessary and what’s a luxury busy women can’t afford? Here’s what you need to know.

Health: the foundation of it all

When we talk about health, we’re looking at the basics. Are you well in yourself – not fighting a virus, rundown to the point of exhaustion, or battling a chronic illness that won’t go away?

Health is often defined as a state in which we’re not suffering from any illness. In that sense, we can end up describing health by virtue of what it isn’t. So if we’re trying to be healthy, we’re essentially trying to be “not sick”.

It’s a classic “away from” motivation, because it comes from a wish to move away from the outcome we don’t want – in this case, being unwell in some way.

The trouble is, this kind of “away from” motivation can be limiting, because when the immediate impulse has passed, our momentum drops off. It’s the kind of thinking that can lead us to make all kinds of positive changes in our lives when we have a bit of a health scare, or when someone close to us gets a scary diagnosis. We don’t want that to happen to us, and so we vow off the sugar and the junk and start juicing like our lives depend on it.

But when things have improved – the flu that laid you up for a week passes, or you don’t get the bad news you’ve been dreading – your drive to maintain these changes wanes too.

Of course, the wish not to get sick might be strong enough to keep you motivated to make positive choices indefinitely. But for even the strongest willed of us, it’s a challenging way to maintain discipline.

Have you ever been on a real health kick and then gone on holiday, felt great, and proceeded to massively overdo it on the afternoon glasses of rosé and sugary desserts?

It might well have been because your motivation to live healthily was all about avoiding feeling bad. Relax somewhere beautiful, and you’re feeling blissed out – so you’ve got no incentive to stick to your plans.

Shifting our thinking: the wellness perspective

This is where it can be helpful to think about a word that’s being used more and more often these days: wellness. Wellness, or wellbeing, is how we describe a state that’s more than just the absence of sickness.

It’s a positive state of true vitality: rather than “not feeling tired”, you have bags of energy to achieve everything you want to. You’re not only meeting your basic needs, you’re actually getting the best of what you need in abundant qualities.

When you meet someone who’s not just baseline healthy, but is really thriving, you can sense it. Their eyes shine, they’re quick thinking, and you find yourself thinking “I want what she’s got”.

Thinking about our physical needs in terms of wellness moves our motivation into a “towards” framework. We want to exercise, meditate, eat healthily and make sure we’re hydrated not because we don’t want to get sick, but because we want to really feel great, all the time.

So when you’re offered an extra glass of wine with dinner, you say no because you’re looking forward to feeling fresh and clear headed in the morning – not because you’re avoiding a hangover. Same outcome, different motivations.

Of course, there are lots of other ways we can distinguish health from wellness, and countless ways of ensuring you feel at your best. But this towards/away from distinction can be a helpful place to start when it comes to considering how you take care of yourself, and what outcome you want.

Don’t you deserve to enjoy more than just the absence of illness, but instead to experience true vitality and joy? It’s certainly the way you’ll have the biggest positive effect on those around you, in your family, community and professional life.

We explore the different kinds of motivation as well as how to make sure your needs are met so that you can thrive in our life-changing 12 week program Be Powerful: Unleash the real you. Click here if you’d like to find out more.

How about you?

Is wellness a concept that’s a part of your life, or do you prefer to think about being healthy? These terms often get used interchangeably, so I’m curious to know what you think.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Criticism or judgement? What to do when feedback hurts

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

As women leaders, we can’t control all the criticism or judgment that we’re going to receive from others.

It doesn’t matter how big or small your vision is. The very nature of declaring that you stand for something, or that you’re making any kind of change, opens us up to feedback from others.

Whether you’re changing the world, your family life, or your personal health habits, there’ll be someone who wants to give you their opinion on exactly what you’re doing and why it’s time to rethink it. Sometimes we can laugh it off – some random person on Twitter thinks I need to take a different vitamin supplement? Fine.

But sometimes, it hurts. When you tell your kids you’re thinking of signing up for a new course and they laugh at you: “Mum! You’re too old!”

When you share your brilliant new strategy with a colleague you love and straight away they pick holes in it.

Or when you tell your mum about the bold decision you’re taking to become a coach, and she refers to it snidely as “your new phase for the next five years”.

The truth is, we can’t stop it. We can’t make people in the world nicer. (At least, not all of the time.)

And the bigger your vision, and the more people find out about it, the more likely all sorts of otherpeople are going to find out about it. Guess how many of them will have an opinion to share?

But if we can’t change them, or make them nicer, or more loving, or tell them that they have to give us feedback sandwiches, there is one thing we can do.

We can learn to comfort our inner selves

We can learn to parent ourselves, so that when we receive negative feedback, we are more resilient, and we are more loving.

And ultimately, we can learn to make sure that criticism doesn’t stop us from moving on our vision. To use it as an opportunity to learn, and to implement a better or more useful way for achieving the vision, that doesn’t stop us in our tracks.

Know where criticism or judgment comes from

I know firsthand how important it is to find ways of dealing with criticism. In the past I’ve had a lot of ideas for projects. But one word from my husband – which he might not even have meant as a criticism – and I would take it very personally, and shut down the whole idea before it got started.

Eventually, I really tuned into the fact that I was letting this happen. And at that point, I thought about who Greg is. Now I know that his particular energy involves saying “no”. (If you’re aware of the wealth dynamics profile, he’s a Lord). It’s just how he tests and gives input to ideas. He’s a hole-picker by nature. But the thing about that “no” is, it’s not personal. It doesn’t mean “no” to the entire vision. It’s just a challenge, and if he’s challenging my vision it actually means that he’s interested in it and making it the best it can be.

Once I got that, I quickly realized: okay, this is good, but I can’t change him. I can’t change how he is going to respond when I bring an idea. All I can change is my own resilience level.

I can shift things so that I’m more robust, and resilient when I go in with an idea, knowing that he will probably respond with the “no” initially because he filters every new thing through “how can this be better?”

So how do I do that? And how can you do it too?

Start with self love

At the baseline of all of our resilience and strength is self-love. So, start by considering your ongoing habits of self-love; recognition of your body, mind, and spirit, and the beautiful being that you are, and nurturing and nourishing that.

In our BeLove retreat we delve into habits to support you with that self-love in much greater detail. You could think about things like journaling, spontaneous moments of luxury, and gratitude. Feeling thankful for what is, and what you have, and who you are. All of these self-loving actions that you do, that have you feeling better and better about yourself over time are really, really crucial when it comes to handling criticism.

It’s that self-love that builds up your resilience, your confidence, and your self-esteem, so that you feel you can open up, and be vulnerable, and stand behind your vision. It’s like a muscle that you build over time – an exercise.

Self-love is the foundation that allows you to deal with criticism from a place of strength. And with that in place, here’s how to handle it when it arrives.

How to deal with criticism

So from time to time you’re going to receive some criticism. It might be out of the blue, or it might be that you have a great idea, and you share it with someone else and they tell you “It’s a terrible idea. It would never work because of this,” or “No. We can’t do that,” or “Who on earth are you to think that you could change the world like that?” Or “You idiot, you think having a green smoothie is going to help you lose weight. What a stupid idea!”

Whatever it might be, you will get criticized.

Here are 6 steps to take when you receive it

  1. Be prepared to listen

If you’re actively going into a situation where you’re declaring a vision to someone, whether it be at your team, your spouse, to the world, on Facebook… Know that you are about to become vulnerable, and don’t let your shame stop you from sharing something you feel called to share. Just go there and do it. And if you receive criticism, be ready to hear it the whole way through. You might read something on Facebook, or Twitter, or it might come straight back to you from your spouse. Be clear that you will hear it the whole way through.

  1. Take time out

Once you’ve heard the criticism all the way through, it’s time for you privately. If you’re in a conversation, don’t get into an argument or start justifying or disputing their points. Just say, “Thank You.” Take yourself away, and it’s time to enter your processing time.

Grab your journal, your pen and paper, and write down what bothered you about the feedback you’ve received. What’s activating you? Which are the parts that really made a big difference? Or were really yucky? What triggered you?

And then ask yourself the next question, which is: what could be helpful? Is there anything useful in this criticism?

If the answer is no – just let it go.  Sometimes it’s just so obvious it’s someone else’s stuff, or is irrelevant to you. Social media “brain farts”, as my husband calls them, don’t really need much more processing than that.

But if you sense there is something more for you there…

  1. Activate self love

At this stage, it’s really important to implement the criticism antidote – and that is self-love.

Straight away, go draw a bath with lots of essential oils, and enjoy it. Or go out for a walk, or give yourself a delicious little hand massage, or read some lovely success stories or testimonials that clients have sent you, or something that makes you feel good about you. Do something that nurtures you, and is very self-loving.

  1. Dig deeper

Then with that self-love in place you can come back to the criticism, and ask yourself: is this reminding me of anything from the past? Is this actually not about this criticism? Is it triggering something from the past? And if it is, then think about how you can release it. (We have a great audio recording to help you release limiting emotions available to all our BeOne community members – you can sign up here to receive yours).

  1. Write the letter

This is my favorite antidote to criticism, which I use quite a bit – I learnt this from Julia Cameron, in her great book the Artist’s Way. She says: write the letter. Now this is not a letter you’re ever going to send! It’s a letter to the person who is putting you down, or said the thing that hurt, and what’s important is to write it as if you were six years old. Use six year old language.

You’re just so mean. I can’t believe you said that. Didn’t you have your weetabix for breakfast? You’re a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Lalalala.

Whatever it is, right? Just get it all out, in a vindicating letter from your younger self. I really, really love doing this one, and I think you might find it helpful too. Because it allows your young self to be heard, and to be voiced.

(And for the love of God, don’t ever send the letter, right? Don’t ever, ever send that letter!)

  1. Get back in the ring

Once you’ve done that, you put it to the side, and get right back out there and into the vulnerability again.

Because you’ve got to get out there. You’ve got to keep stepping up. Go back, and finish the conversation. If it was with your spouse, share what you learned about yourself from their feedback. If it was on Twitter or Facebook, you don’t need to respond to the negative criticism at all. You can just get back out there, and put another post out about what you’re up to in the world, and your vision, whatever it is.

Commit to getting out there, and doing something more. Commit to doing something. Committing to your vision, and doing something in alignment with your vision, and saying “I don’t care what you say. My commitment to myself, and to my vision, and to my purpose on this planet is greater than anything you could ever say to me.”

The only real cure for shame and criticism is to keep stepping into vulnerability. Because on the other side of it, as Brené Brown says, is all the good stuff: The incredible joy, love, and self-expression, which is what life is all about. And that’s really all we want of you – is just all that you are.

How about you? Do you find it hard to take criticism? I’d love to know if this process works for you – let us know in the comments.

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