happiness Archives - One of Many

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it)

January 15, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

Right now many of us are isolating ourselves from connection with others more than we ever have before. And I am more present than ever to the effect that’s having on all of us. Because the fact is, we need community.

We overlook the importance of connection at our peril – as I’m going to share with you today.

I know I’m not alone in really, really missing my nearest and dearest. Lately, I’ve found myself looking back over photos of retreats and events. Where we used to come together in a room and dance together and hug each other without even thinking about it twice. We would go to concerts. We would go to bars. We didn’t care how many other people were in a small enclosed space with us.

For many of us, those times feel very, very far away.

The problem with isolation

The isolation and loneliness we’re facing are compounded by the additional stress we’re all under.

Maybe you’ve had a bad night’s sleep, got a looming work deadline, or your kids are being particularly challenging.

Maybe you’re grieving. Or sick.

Many of us are having to navigate redundancies or put people on furlough, or work out whether we should or shouldn’t open for business. All the sorts of things we’re facing at the moment are causing us to be way more stressed than usual.

And yet, for some reason, the more stressed we get, the more we isolate.

I have seen it again and again in our community.

Could our “Superwoman” streak be stopping us from connecting?

Many of us have an unconscious belief that if things get stressful, we have to draw away. We think we can only be in the world when we are positive, or when we’ve all got it all figured out.

Many of us grew up being taught to share happy things and hide sad things. And if that’s what you grew up with, then at a time when stress is magnified, we are tending to isolate even more.

So let’s talk about why we need community and why connection is so critically important.

Here are 6 reasons why connection is critical to all of us.

#1 We need to belong

As the wonderful Brené Brown puts it, we are “hardwired for love and belonging”. It’s in our very DNA, the fabric of our being to love, to be loved and to feel like we belong somewhere.

#2 We need support and belief

I often work with women entrepreneurs, in my one-on-one consultancy. And there’s often this sense of imposter syndrome. We think “I really should believe in myself more”. To a certain extent that’s true, but there is a big part of self-belief that actually comes from others.

I tend to surround myself with people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. And that works beautifully for me. I am surrounded by a team of incredible men and women who believe in me more than I believe in me. They create a leadership space for me to lead them in. And I keep stepping into that.

Having people around us who believe in us is so important, so that when we hit something that’s hard to navigate, whether it be a work thing, a family thing, a relationship thing, we’ve got someone to tell us “I know you’re having a tough time, but I believe in you. I really believe in you. I know you can do this. Let’s see if we can come up with some ideas together.” Sometimes that support looks like troubleshooting and problem solving together. And sometimes that support looks like just being there.

#3 We need collective wisdom

When it comes to solving a problem, a group does better than any individual out there. We can get to a point beyond where any one person could go on their own. And that’s connected to the fourth reason, which is:

#4 We need to push our own limits

We will all stop ourselves at some point. Oftentimes others give us that gentle push that has us grow and expand into an area that we might not have otherwise gone into. We need community for that. It’s something we can’t do for ourselves.

#5 We need accountability

We need other people to declare our intentions to. They can remind us of what we’ve decided and help us stick to our plans, whatever plans they may be.

#6 We need others’ energy

I confess: This is something I don’t quite know how to describe. I know that for myself, some of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve had happen, not in one-on-one coaching sessions, but where I’m part of a collective coming together as a group. It can happen virtually. I’ve seen it in the group who have gathered for the Activate Challenge this week. There’s a motivation in there. We can share energy when we come together in community, and it’s powerful stuff.

Is it time you got connected?

My challenge for you today is to reach out and get connected to somebody.

If you have a good friend you’ve not connected with for a while, reach out, have an evening with them on zoom and talk it through. Send a care package. Send a postcard. Connect!
If you’re friends with someone on social media, why not ask them if they’d like to have a virtual coffee together?
And if you don’t even know where to start with community, please start by joining one of our online groups because they are full of exquisite and extraordinary women who know how to be a fierce, committed stand. They know how to be supportive and gentle and nourishing when they need to, they know how to love and they know how to accept love. That is one of the things that makes our community so deeply rich and profound.

And if you’d like to experience what it’s like to gather virtually with hundreds of women – and discover how to reconnect to your joy and optimism for the future – join us for the Activate Your Vision workshop, happening tomorrow. It would be an absolute pleasure to have you there, as part of our global community of women.

Click here to register for your free place at the training.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover”

January 1, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

When you’ve been drawing deeply on your energy reserves, and perhaps even slipped into Superwoman to achieve everything you need to, there comes a point when just “stopping” doesn’t really cut it. At times like these, knowing the secret to rest becomes an art in itself. And it’s one I want to share with you today.

Maybe your “holiday” looked more like taking care of everyone in your household.

Perhaps you’ve been caring mode for a loved one, and you can’t switch off that sense of alertness just in case the phone rings.

Or you’ve been pushing through a big project – managing deadlines, soothing wobbles from the team, doing what it takes. The finish line’s there – but somehow, you can’t seem to switch off.

You tell yourself it’s finally time to relax and yet… wine and Netflix doesn’t seem to have the numbing effect you crave. You’re checking your email “one last time” before bed. Stress dreaming about the project you can’t let go of.

Screens, deadlines, worries and responsibility just won’t stop.

So what’s the answer? How do you deal with what I’ve started to lovingly refer to as the “Superwoman hangover” and get yourself back on track?

The secret to rest: 3 steps to handle a “Superwoman hangover”

#1 Call it what it is

The first step (isn’t it always the first step?) is awareness. Superwoman can be a sneaky visitor. She can often come disguised as just being super caring, or as taking responsibility, or as “going the extra mile”.

But when her tendrils creep in, she begins to show up in every area of your life. Suddenly, it’s not just everything at your work you’re trying to juggle – you’re beating yourself up for not responding to that Whatsapp message from your neighbour two weeks ago.

Time off to recharge starts to look like impossible goals to run 10km, quit carbs and complete 8 hours unpaid work for the voluntary work you’ve (guiltily) neglected).

Before you know it, you’re holding yourself accountable for everything that’s happening, and telling yourself “there’s no other way”.

Don’t get me wrong. The ability to perform to an exceptionally high standard, in multiple domains, all at once? It’s a talent that comes in extremely handy from time to time.

But learn to recognise when you’re in Superwoman mode. And know that, like any substance, when it’s time to return to reality, you’re going to have a hangover to deal with.

#2 Switch off – properly – for as long as you can

There are no half measures with Superwoman – which means it’s nigh-on impossible to switch her off gradually. When you’ve been keeping an eye on a global team across timezones, have been doing 24hour shifts with the kids or whatever your flavour of Superwoman looks like, the only way to truly rest is to really, truly switch off.

Like, not even “a quick check in”. Putting your phone in another room (or switching it off all together).

When I’ve been going at one hundred miles an hour, ONLY fully stepping back – going to bed for a day if I can – is enough to really rest my brain.

#3 Reconnect to pleasure

The real secret to rest is this one. Let me explain.

So often, when it comes to replenishing ourselves, we think the secret to rest is in getting back to “OK” again. Drink enough water, get a good night’s sleep, meet our own needs, that kind of thing.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past 12 months, it’s that when we go beyond our usual levels of depletion – when we’ve been pushing, and pushing, and keeping going, and holding it all together…

We need to practice RADICAL levels of rest and self care.

And the fastest way to really reconnect to your creative, energised, motivated self isn’t to focus on “getting back to OK”. It’s to prioritise pleasure.

What do I mean by pleasure?

When I shared this lesson on a lunch and learn live a few months ago, it was fascinating to hear some of the responses.

Some of us have been in “get sh*t done” mode for so long we’ve almost forgotten what pleasure is.

If that’s the case for you, I suggest you start by trying something other people find pleasurable. For example, these were some the ideas that came up on the call. Have you ever…

Ridden a bike?
Watched a musical?
Bought a vibrator?
Sung at the top of your lungs?
Flown a kite?
Blown bubbles?
Got a message whilst lying in the garden?

The other thing that struck me was how utterly reasonable – modest, even – our pleasures are. Think reading a book by the river. Getting dressed up to have an exquisite afternoon tea. Using the fancy bubble bath.

One of my benchmarks for pleasure is when you start to feel slightly guilty.

Here’s my secret: sometimes, when I’m supposed to be “working”, I snuggle onto the sofa in my office and watch a TV show on the iPad.

And another: last summer, the kids were in bed one evening when I realised we’d forgotten to pick the raspberries in the garden.

Do you know what I did?

I stood by myself in the dusk, and I picked every single ripe berry off that bush and ate them. I savoured them, and felt deliciously selfish and subversive. And it didn’t hurt anyone, or cost anything. It was a powerful signal to my brain of how much I value and care for myself, and I have zero regrets!

Your turn

So today, if you’re someone who cares deeply about the world, who feels the heartache of everything that needs to change, I invite you to stir things up.

Start this year by prioritising YOU. Because when YOU are firing on all cylinders, you will be able to have an impact that’s bigger than you ever thought possible on the causes you care about.

Don’t focus on what’s sensible. On what will get you back to “OK”.

Focus on what gives you PLEASURE. That’s the secret to rest that leads to real results.

And let me know how you do so in the comments…

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

And next week, we’re launching a brand new 5 day challenge to show you a new way to live and lead. It’s called Activate, and if you’re part of the community you’ll be first to hear when we open registrations.

Click here to become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to make peace with anything

November 25, 2020 By Annie Stoker

About
Latest Posts

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Coaching and the things we can’t change

A while back, while having a BIG clear out of a whole heap of old things, I came across a memory from decades ago.

A set of beautiful, colourful baby clothes I’d bought while travelling in Peru. At the time, I was desperate to have children. I imagined the kind of mother I’d be, the lives they’d have, the adventures we’d go on together.

But it wasn’t meant to be.

For a while, coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to do this thing I wanted more than anything was incredibly painful.

But this time, when I came across those tiny outfits, I felt nothing but peace with the way things have unfolded. In fact, they now bring a smile to my face. The pangs of longing are gone. The heartache is over. I’m even happy that I don’t have kids now! I have enough on my plate just looking after me so that I can look after everyone else.

I’m loving the stability, serenity and settledness of post menopause life. And that I get to support many people, not just a couple of small ones! I get to do what I love most… like supporting women to becoming incredible coaches for the women around them. Sharing these tools that have made such a difference in my life.

And helping others find peace with the life experiences they once thought they would never overcome.

What if you can’t “get over it”?

If you’re reading this and thinking that this all sounds well and good, but there’s no way YOU could get over the particular heartbreak you’re facing, then let me give you the brutal truth.

Whatever happens in life, you have two options:

Accept it… or change it.

If you can’t accept what’s happened, you have to change it.

And if you can’t change it?

You have no choice but to accept it, one way or the other.

When we can’t accept the things we can’t change, that’s when all kinds of problems show up. We can turn to crutches like drink, drugs, work, codependent relationships… anything to avoid coming to terms with what’s happened. This is nothing to be ashamed of – it’s far more common than you might think.

Many of us have been squashing down this realization for years. Decades. Maybe even most of our lives.

To understand how you can finally move forward, you need to look at why that is.

What stops us from accepting things?

At the root of the things we can’t accept tend to be feelings we haven’t allowed ourself to fully express. Many of us are terrified of the emotions we’re avoiding.

So if you want to know how to make peace with anything, that’s often a good place to start.

Think about something you find it hard to let go of.

On a scale of one to ten, how strongly do you feel emotionally about it?

If there’s ANY emotion there, it’s a sign there is some work to do.

What kind of work?

Well, all kinds of things. As Women’s Coaches we have a whole range of tools to help women move through emotions they’re feeling. Some things to try might be:

Journalling, so you can really be honest about your thoughts and feelings
Meditations to help you release unhelpful limitations or emotions
Dynamic meditations, which allow you to move feelings through your body
Embodiment work, such as dance, movement or massage
Getting clear on your needs
Learning how to ask for things
Setting boundaries with those around you
Understanding the role of the different Women’s PowerTypes in your life

… and many, many more.

There are so many tools that help us move through things.

A good coach can help you identify the ones which are right for you. And the impact can transform your life.

When you find peace, the future opens up

The only reason we find ourselves unable to make peace with things is because of the stories we’re holding on to. That keep us stuck to our past experiences, and attached to the meanings we decide they have.

When we’re able to unravel those stories and release them of their power, we find ourselves in a place of new potential. It’s as though, instead of looking at everything through the murky filter of our unexpressed emotions, we’re finally able to look through clear lenses at what’s right in front of us.

Clients I’ve coached in the past have experienced the pain of divorce, of losing their homes, bankruptcy, bereavement, and unimaginable trauma and loss.

With the right support, I don’t think there’s anything we can’t make peace with (with the exception of clinical diagnoses which need support beyond a coach’s expertise).

Start by reminding yourself of that simple fact: You can accept what’s happened, or you can change it.

What are you going to accept, starting today?

Do you want to know how to make peace with anything?

If you’re curious about these simple, powerful ways to move through emotion and find freedom from what’s past, there’s a free workshop coming up which you might be interested in.

It’s called Essential Skills for Coaching Women, and in it Jo Martin will be introducing One of many’s unique coaching toolkit – designed by women, for women. You’ll discover some practical tools you can use straight away to support the women in your life to move past even the toughest challenges.

If you’d love to know how to share this work with others, and allow them to move forward with their lives, you’d be so welcome. Just click the link below to register for your place:

https://oneofmany.co.uk/essential-skills-for-coaching/

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care

November 12, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

When it comes to coaching and burnout, there’s a really important distinction many women aren’t aware of when they seek support.

If we’re not mindful of this potential trap, we can find that the coach we’ve hired to try and prevent us from burning out completely, can actually make things worse.

Why?

One word: Superwoman.

How Superwoman can sabotage your support

Many of us habitually find ourselves in “Superwoman” mode when things get tough.

She’s the part of us who needs to be achieving 100% in every area of her life, all the time. She HATES asking for help and sees any kind of vulnerability as weakness.

We call Superwoman the archetype of our time for good reason. She’s ubiquitous among high-achieving women who care.

And in this short video, I explain how coaching can go wrong when we’re still wearing our Superwoman cape – and how you can do things differently.

What women need to know about coaching and burnout

Coaching and burnout – what’s your experience?

If you can relate to this, I’d love to know your experience. Have you found yourself turning professional support into a reason to raise the bar still higher? Do you tend to approach personal development as a way to push yourself further, and do you have any tips to share when it comes to stepping off the treadmill?

I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments below.

And if you’d like to know more about One of many‘s approach to coaching, make sure you’re part of the BeOne community. We’re going to be sharing details of an upcoming workshop very soon, to give you the chance to experience it firsthand.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

How your vulnerability is your strength

September 24, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

Let’s talk about vulnerability today. If you’ve ever found yourself secretly thinking “everybody seems to be doing better than me!”, read on. I’m going to explain why that’s not true, what stops us from admitting it, and how sharing what’s really going on for you can be a source of radical power and support. Strange as it might seem, your vulnerability is your strength when you find the right space to share it.

But first, let’s start with why this moment in history is wobbly for so many of us. That’s to do with the unique lens through which we’re viewing the rest of the world.

Take a moment to think about how you’re getting your impression of how others are doing.

With the restrictions in place as I write, many of us are increasingly filtering our interactions through the lens of social medias.

We’re not having as many glancing interactions with people – the casual connection at the playground or the pub. Those times you see each other around the water cooler at work, and just feel that someone’s energy is “off”. Tiny moments of compassion for strangers.

So we don’t recognize the fact that a lot of us are suffering.

Recent months have seen an epidemic of mask wearing.

(I’m not talking about the one you pop on to go to the shops.)

I’m talking about the “everything’s okay” mask.

You know the difference, right?

That, “everything’s fine!” or “I’ve got this handled!” mask.

That particular kind of mask wearing seems to have gone up a lot in recent times.

Our virtual gatherings during the pandemic were the first time in some cases, for weeks, months, or even years where many of us felt safe to go:

“You know what? Maybe I can rest my load down a little bit here and actually say how I really am.”

Early on, I noticed lots of people starting to share words to the effect of… “I’m actually really not managing very well.”

I’m not doing okay.

I’m struggling in my relationship.

I’m feeling like I’m failing as a parent.

We heard from women who were struggling to stop weeping. Dealing with real big emotions. Or experiencing that sense of sleepwalking numbness.

So many very deep and powerful shares.

What was revealed was just how much we are collectively challenged and hurting at this time.

Even those of us who are very well resourced. I’m thinking of our Lead the change graduates and participants in our Mastery program who are really deeply embedded in the tools. Even us as trainers! We’ve been working with these tools for years and years and years, decades in some cases.

And even the most resourced of us are feeling the strain of this time.

We are feeling the pressure, but…

We’re not talking about it in any other spaces. Which is why I think it freaked a few people out! A few people felt alarmed by hearing all this big emotion come up – and maybe even wondered if the event itself was causing an outburst.

But the truth is, those feelings and all of the hurt and challenge were already there.

This year many of us have experienced stress, difficult decisions and emotional strain unlike anything else we’ve gone through.

All that changed was the environment we created where it was safe to say that out loud.

And I’ve been reflecting on just how rare and precious that is ever since.

How vulnerable so many of us are feeling at the moment and just how few safe places we have to say that out loud.

Your vulnerability is your strength – because hiding it saps your energy.

… We’re lacking spaces where we can offload

This is a community of change making women who care. Which means if you’re reading this, you’re very likely to be the person in your space who listens, who’s the “go to” person.

The pillar of strength in the community.

We’re under huge pressure in our home environments, and on top of that we’re often being the strong ones for our family members, our wider family, and in our work spaces for our teams and colleagues.

And we are often the last ones to reach out and say, “I’m not doing okay”.

Because we feel like if we say that out loud, the whole world will fall apart.

But today I want to challenge that assumption. And here’s why.

Our feelings are collective

Part of the power of being open with our vulnerability is the recognition that it is a universal experience. Grief is universal. Fear is universal.

Sometimes we can feel like there’s something wrong with us as individuals – that we are somehow broken or particularly challenged. That our neighbor isn’t feeling this. The other school mums next to us are coping fine. The other women who are out dating or leading teams are not experiencing fear or sadness – that everybody else seems to have it together.

That is absolutely not the case.

Your vulnerability is not a fault or a problem. It’s a normal, healthy, compassionate human response.

In this community, your vulnerability is your strength

When we come together in community and we start talking about our experiences, one of the first and most healing pieces is this realisation that emotions are universal experiences.

“I’m not the only one!”

Why does this surprise us? Well, I’ll tell you why it surprises us… because we don’t bloody well talk about it!

We don’t talk about our innermost feelings. We don’t talk about the fact that we sent an email out to a potential client and they didn’t write back and we feel rejected and alone.

We don’t talk about the fact that we went out on three dates with a girl or a guy, and then we didn’t hear from them afterwards. They disappeared and we feel rejected and alone.

We might talk about what happened, but how often do we actually talk about how we are feeling at a deeper level?

And if I could take that one step forward further, I would say, how many of us actually even take the time to notice how we’re feeling at a deeper level?

What’s missing in our culture and in our society, are safe spaces to be heard, to be the full entirety of who we are.

All of our huge, awesome and rocking magnificence and all of our vulnerable, weepy, uncertain, insecure selves.

We just don’t have those spaces.

At One of many, we’re dedicated to creating safe spaces for women to share

And that for me is one of the things that I’m intensely grateful for.

To see how all of us feel able to come to show up, to share so deeply here, is incredibly moving and empowering for me.

If you’re someone who doesn’t even look at your own emotions, you start hearing from women who are more open.

And you might just start to look for the very first time and start to notice how you feeling.

Or, if you’re very present to how you’re feeling, but not actually telling anybody about it, you might show up on a Living the Change coaching call or in the Be One Global Community on Facebook. And say “this is what’s going on for me right now”.

When it’s said out loud, it becomes a shared experience.

And then what usually happens in this community is hundreds or dozens at least of other women go, “Oh, me too. You know, that’s something similar happened to me. Yeah. Something similar happened to my sister.”

It’s such a powerful thing. And that relief that can follow sharing openly, and not being judged, is so powerful.

Sometimes it’s just the ability to lay down the burden in a safe space, which is a critical piece.

This extraordinary community

So I want to acknowledge and honor you, right now, because whether you found us 5 years or 5 minutes ago, you’re a part of what makes the fabric of this community. You are a part of what makes this a safe space. And I thank you for how you are with each other.

Want more support – along with practical ways to create change?

If you need someone in your corner, if you want to lay down the burden, if you want a place where it’s normal to feel things, it’s normal to have challenges, and it doesn’t make you broken or wrong or helpless… I invite you to come and join us in Living the Change.

You’ll get access to all the tools and resources in our membership site, plus The Hearth, our private online coaching space space. Our in-house coaches are there to answer your questions and provide support whenever you need it.

This isn’t about whining or blaming or being victims. It’s a place to find an empowered sharing of what’s truly going on and practical tools and strategies to help you to create the life you want – to get the results you want to get.

Click here to find out more.

Where’s your safe space to share?

What are you going to do next? How are you going to reach out and to whom?

If you’re already in Living the Change and it’s been a while since you came on a coaching call, maybe it’s to join one of the calls, and prioritize getting your hand up and getting coached?
Maybe it’s coming into the BeOne community and sharing how you’re doing. You could say “I’m not looking for advice” or “I just want to know if anyone feels like this” – or maybe you’d like some tips from someone else who’s been in your situation. It’s up to you. Tell us what you need.
Maybe it’s calling up a friend and saying “I haven’t spoken to you for a long time cause I’ve been having a tough time. Can we have a real conversation about the tough times we’re having, and maybe be there for each other?”

There’s many, many ways to create your safe space, but you need one. All of us need one right now. It’s a really tough time. What are you going to do to support you to handle it with even more support? Let me know in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to deal with your emotions

August 13, 2020 By Annie Stoker

About
Latest Posts

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many

Why do we find emotions so difficult to handle?

If we try to avoid some emotions that we don’t like, they are bound to come back to us later, because all emotions simply want to be expressed. After all they are just energy in motion and emotions naturally bubble up inside us, get expressed and then leave. However, if we try to interrupt this process we can bring all sorts of problems upon ourselves.

When you don’t know how to deal with your emotions it’s often the avoidance strategies that cause you most problems – not the emotions themselves.

Here’s what I mean.

Every feeling that gets generated has five parts as follows:

The thought about the situation
The resulting emotion
The way we perceive the emotion and the meaning we ascribe to it
The way we feel about that meaning
The way we respond to the emotion

Our response to an emotion often has a greater impact than the feeling itself.

No-one has ever died of an emotion!

Many people have died as a result of not managing their emotions but instead turning to substance abuse, addictions and dangerous behaviour.

If emotions are suppressed for long enough they can also cause havoc on a physical level by contributing to diseases and physical symptoms. As long as we do not want to experience a set of emotions and want to avoid them at any cost, the fact remains that someday, we will find ourselves facing those emotions at such an intensity that all our energy, willpower and control will be washed away trying to overcome them.

Here’s how to discover your emotional preferences

Try the following exercise:

Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.

On one side of the line, list out the emotions that you like and want to continue to experience in life:

Now, on the other side, list out the emotions that you dislike and want to avoid.

Once you complete the above two lists, you will see that there are a few emotions that you like (for instance: happiness, love, joy, excitement, etc) and probably a lot more other emotions that you don’t like (for example: sadness, anger, fear, hurt, disappointment, hate, jealousy, inadequacy, shame, confusion, doubt, rejection etc).

It is very common for people to have fewer emotions that they like and a large number of emotions that they don’t like.

What this means is that when we think about how to deal with our emotions, we often focus on trying to manipulate life in order to avoid the ones we don’t like.

For example if you’re afraid of rejection, you may then avoid speaking in public, getting into relationships, being noticed at work, making mistakes, speaking your mind etc.

We can run our whole lives trying to avoid emotions we dislike.

Introducing… Emotional Allergies!

Sometimes, we become so allergic to particular feelings, due to intense experiences of them in the past, that we will do anything to avoid them.

Even if it means missing out on things we actually want.

But being aware of what emotions you like and what emotions make you cringe is important for ensuring emotional freedom.

After all, what do you think is more logical: running away from something that is bound to occur, or trying to find a way to accept something that may be uncomfortable but is going to happen anyway?

Once you know this then you can challenge yourself to remain open even to the ones you like least. After all, they are part of being human and are guaranteed to turn up at some point in your life.

How to deal with your emotions

Instead of trying to run away from them and avoid all the situations that you think could possibly cause them, why not ask the more intelligent question of “How can I accept them?” instead?

Eventually, with practice, you’ll find emotions are no longer your enemy. They become part of your life, and your emotional landscape gets more colorful and interesting.

Learning how to deal with your emotions is not about liking or disliking a particular emotion, it is about just being open to all kinds of emotions. In the end you don’t mind what you are feeling – it is all welcome.

As long as we are willing to experience all kinds of emotion for whatever duration, the more easily they can flow through us. You’ll find they actually disappear pretty quickly when you let go!

So choose to be willing, don’t make emotions mean anything (they don’t – they are just sensations) and just let them flow through you without resistance.

Developing emotional intelligence

We develop emotional intelligence when we are able to feel all our emotions and accept them for however long they hang around. A conscious effort to face all kinds of emotion without using any strategy to avoid them plus the willingness to experience all the sensations of every emotion, will ultimately lead to freedom.

If you are open to experiencing any and all feelings, then there is actually nothing in life you need to be afraid of anymore.

You are just open, present and accepting of whatever happens outside and whatever you feel inside.

Over to you

How about you? What emotions do you feel habitually, and which ones do you try and avoid at all costs? “Mapping” your emotional landscape like this can be a really fascinating exercise – we’d love to know what comes up for you. Leave us a comment and let us know!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to be present in your relationship

May 28, 2020 By Susie Heath

About
Latest Posts

Susie Heath

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Why knowing how to be present in your relationship is vital

When we lose presence with our partner, we might experience some of the following things:

Sexual attraction begins to diminish
Your self-esteem falters
You lose passion and enthusiasm for life
You feel taken for granted
You jump to conclusions
You get defensive
You lose the freshness and the desire for being with your partner
You fail to notice when you could turn things around
You get bored… and the rot of stagnation sooner or later sets in.

But many of us are tied up in trying hard in the world.

We’re competing and trying to prove that we are good enough, and worthy of love.

We try to be interesting and interested, to prove how clever we are, and how hard we are trying – instead of just enjoying and appreciating each moment of our precious life.

“Trying” always implies the possibility of “failing”. It can all to easily become effortful, exhausting and stressful.

In this mode, we are always comparing and contrasting, using our thoughts to enhance the worry and stress, focussing on what is wrong (and often embroidering it in glorious Technicolor so that it appears bright and enormous in our eyes!)

Even arguments and fighting create a connection, but when that doesn’t work, we just give in, or even give up. When that happens, there’s no possibility of movement within the relationship, and it slowly dies.

So are you really present in your relationship?

Or are you sitting on the sidelines and thinking about it?

Let me give you an example:

You could be making love or kissing your partner, but what is going on in your head is…

“How long is this going to go on for? Must remember to do that grocery order; it used to be more fun than this; did I reschedule that Zoom call? Wish you wouldn’t do that; this is so boring; got to get that financial report in by Tuesday; wonder what’s happening on Facebook; if we hurry now I can catch the 10 o’clock news; if I hold my tummy in perhaps they won’t notice that I’ve put on weight”

…and on and on and on with internal chatter in the background.

The problem here is we are failing to actually BE with our partner. However well we think we’re hiding that, energetically they will feel it – but not know what is wrong.

Women in particular are able to feel when their partner’s energy is not focussed on them, and it has a knock-on effect on their sexual arousal, together with their self-esteem.

When we lose the art of presence

In your unconscious mind, what is happening is that you are comparing, contrasting, distorting, deleting and generalising information as to what is happening, rather than being fully involved in the experience of being together.

This lack of being fully present is the same whether you are eating a meal, giving a speech, doing your work, or having a conversation. We have learned to distract ourselves so much that we miss out on the experience of living, and wonder how life has passed us by so quickly.

The feeling of being needed, loved and desired by someone is paramount, so when it is not fulfilled, we mentally leave the person we are with to go and do other things to fill the gap. We fantasise, we make ourselves extra busy, we worry and stress, anything to avoid recognising our real need and asking for it. We try to get this need met by thinking – but in fact love and connection with another person can only be experienced outside of thought.

What does it mean to be present in your relationship?

Being present is when you are there in full awareness, with no judgement about yourself, no conditions as to how the other should be and allowing the experience to unfold.

It’s about leaving behind any thoughts that could make you miserable, any emotional baggage from the past, any opinions and limitations, but just using all your senses to be fully where you are, and it’s quite magical.

It’s about getting out of your head and in touch with your body and feelings.

It’s about learning how to appreciate every moment of being in each other’s presence, increasing your sheer pleasure and making life more satisfying and worthwhile.

How to be present in your relationship

Remember a time when you were blissfully happy – it may have been making love, or looking at a rainbow, being by the sea or receiving a massage. Where was thought then?

It was not there, because you had all your senses completely wrapped around the living experience rather than thoughts about the experience. There was no comparing or contrasting, no judgment or limitation, just the sheer bliss of Beingness.

This is what we need to learn to re-create with our partner – when you do it will bring back those feelings of ecstasy and awareness, of vitality and aliveness, of feelingful care and loving attention.

First – stop trying.

Trying causes tension. Tension causes competitiveness with an inbuilt fear of failure and stresses the whole system. So breathe deeply and learn to let go …and relax.

When you really relax, not only your body but also your mind and your thoughts, you can allow your judgement to be suspended, you can stop being defensive, you can go through and out the other side of any limitations, as you learn to love from an enlightened and intelligent space.

There is no peace and harmony where your mind is racing and judging and being emotional. Love is not an emotion – that is where you attach conditions and it cannot last. Love is a state of being, and it is eternal.

Second: This may sound odd, but it generates an amazing and wondrous unconditional freshness.

Every evening say “Everything about my relationship with (insert your partner’s name here) today I now destroy and uncreate.” (This is a technique taken from Gary Douglas’s work from Access Consciousness)

So when you wake up in the morning, you have left behind any negative opinions or conclusions, prejudices and assumptions about them from the previous day. It means you can start again, afresh in the here and now every day with the person in front of you with no resentment or hurt from anything that has gone before.

You will be fully aware of what is really going on, rather than looking through conditioning and programming that stops you from seeing the truth.

It allows you to focus on the other person and get feedback which way to go, and you will get insights and be able to operate from that. You will really start to see the other person and draw out their potential as you’re no longer operating from what you think you know about them.

Third: Connect to your senses

Ideally practice this exercise out in nature somewhere where there is an explosion of colours and sounds in the trees or the water, the sky, the birds, the rain. Once you have mastered the technique, practice doing it with your partner when you are kissing or making love or just holding each other and looking into each other’s eyes.

You will be amazed and delighted how the intensity of love-making increases as you begin to wrap your senses 100% around what is actually happening as you become fully present. Here’s how to do it:

Practice for 15 seconds at a time just using your Sight – look at what is around you with no labelling, no comparing, no judging. Just see the colours, the shapes, the textures.

Listen to all the sounds, the vibration, the tonality, the softness, the harshness, each and every sound with no labelling, no judging as to whether you like it or not.

Feel physically the heat of your body, the breeze and sunlight on your skin, the touch of your lover, the intensity, the gentleness of the caress.

Feel the emotional side, the caring, the loving, the warmth, the safety, the nurturing, the pride in your body, the vitality of your cells, the beat of your heart and of theirs

Smell the air, the scent, the sea, the earthiness, whatever is around you, the perfume of your lover’s skin in different parts of their body

Taste – highly linked with smell, taste the air, taste your lover.

Now go back to Sight and go through this sequence over and over again until you truly have mastered being able to stay out of thought and be in the present moment.

To know how to be present in your relationship you need to be in unconscious attention – in other words not aware that you’re doing anything other than just being. If you apply conscious attention to it, you will start to look through the old programming of limitation again. Once you are fully present, colours will appear more vibrant, your connection with nature and your lover will literally be mind-blowing, and your relationship will go from strength to strength.

And finally, if you find that your partner is not being present with you, if they are always in their head thinking, rationalising and being logical, try gently touching them, bringing them back into reconnecting with their body. Learn to appreciate your partner for the miracle of life that they are, and allow the magic to flow.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

How to stop worrying what people think

March 26, 2020 By Annie Stoker

About
Latest Posts

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many

Why it’s important to stop worrying what other people think

Happiness comes from learning to accept yourself as you are. However, we still have a tendency to base our opinions of ourselves on what others think of us. Many people worry about what people think of them, and suffer a lot because of it.

Can you really stop others from thinking about you the way they do, and does it really matter what they think? Is it going to change who you are or how you act, think, feel and behave?

To get started on the process of letting go of what others think, start by taking a fresh sheet of paper and a pen.

Write down various things that you think others think about you. They might be positive (she’s so helpful!) or negative (she always takes over the conversation). Just be honest – no one else is going to read this.

Here are some examples to help you get started, but you might be able to come up with more of your own:

What do others think about your physical appearance?

What do others think about your talkativeness and your ability to communicate?

What do others think about your intelligence and qualifications?

What do others think of your interpersonal skills, your ability to be friendly and pleasant?

Keep going until you’ve captured the main judgments you imagine others might make about you.

Time to reflect

You have now listed out various things that others think about you. Now, read back through the list.

Spend some time reflecting or journalling on the following questions as you think about the impact this might be having on your life.

How many of them do you find difficult to accept and how many of them do you find easy and encouraging to know?

Does it change who you are in either case?

For example, if someone thinks that you are really intelligent, is it really going to make you more intelligent? Likewise, if someone thinks that you are dull and stupid, does it really make it dull or stupid?

Will what others think of you change who you are or what you are?

Beginning to dig into why these opinions matter is the first step if you’d like to stop worrying what other people think.

The truth about what other people think

What you’ll probably find yourself beginning to realise is that nothing about you can change just based on what others think of you. Of course, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an impact! You might experience an emotional response to what others say or do. But even those emotions are not going to change who you are!

So how can you re-frame what others think of you so that it has less of an impact on how you’re feeling? And can this really allow you to stop worrying what other people think for good?

Here are two key techniques to address judgments that feel challenging:

#1 Realise it’s not all about you

One important thing you have to understand about what others think of you is that their thoughts or what they say is not related to you at all. In fact, what others think or say about you reflects primarily their own tastes and preferences.

For example, if someone tells you that they dislike you because you wear casual clothes, what does it tell about you? Absolutely nothing!

On the other hand, it indicates their dislike of casual clothes, and that cannot impact and change you in any way – you are what you are! If they can’t like you because of your attire, it is their problem and reflects their limitations and judgments; it has got nothing to do with you!!

#2 Ask yourself “is there truth in this?”

Another way to address any anxiety you might have about what others think is to assess whether there is any truth in what they think and say about you, and whether you are okay or not okay with it. Think of yourself as the product and their opinions as your customer feedback, giving you information about yourself. Your job then is to assess whether it is accurate.

If someone says that you are not very friendly to be with, first check for yourself whether it is a valid statement. If it is valid, then see whether you are okay with them having such an opinion about you. If you are okay with it, there is absolutely nothing that you need to do.

However, if that upsets you and you want to change their opinion, you can just walk up to them, and tell them, “Yes, I am not very friendly to be with, and I want to change that. Can you help me with it?”

On the other hand, if you find that their statement is not true, you can go up to them and say, “Look, I disagree with your opinion of me. What behavior of mine leads you to think that I am not friendly to be with?” By asking like this, you are actually helping them assess themselves and their own thoughts, actions and behavior!

So, stop worrying about what others are thinking of you; whatever they think is not going to change you – you are who you are.

Remember that their opinions of you are nothing to do with you…..and everything to do with them!

Would you like some support to embrace who you are?

If stopping worrying what other people think feels like a leap too far, you might be interested in the support we offer to help you find your confidence.

BePowerful is our online coaching program that helps you embrace your strengths and talents, and discover just how powerful you are. The training includes tools, resources, and a supportive community to support you as you release what’s holding you back and find out how you can have more of an impact, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

To find out more, click here.

About Annie Stoker

Psychotherapist. Author. Property Investor. Dog-Lover. Chilled-Out Friend.

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK’s most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

10 rituals to support you when your world turns upside down

March 19, 2020 By Kat Holden

About
Latest Posts

Kat Holden

Kat has 20+ years of professional experience and has worked around the world in the private and public sector.She knows first hand the challenges that come with working in a highly competitive environment and dealing with stress, overwhelm and imposter syndrome - all the while trying to remain authentic to yourself.

Today, Kat works as one of the in-house coaches for One Of Many, alongside her own work where she coaches exceptional people all over the world, helping them to figure out how to define their lives in a positive, healthy and fulfilling way, helping them to discover their best selves and live their very best lives after their battle with cancer.

My journey to thriving after trauma

As I sat in my oncologist’s office, doing my best to focus on his words but in reality just listening to white noise, feeling helpless and hopeless, he said something that snapped me out of my reverie:

“Are you listening to me Katrina? It’s really important for you to hear this… your survival is dependant on you seeing this treatment through to the end and it’s your responsibility to keep yourself as healthy as possible to be able to do so.”

My responsibility. My responsibility.

I kept turning those words over in my mind, at first feeling overwhelmed by them and then the realisation of what was happening.

The very clever oncologist had just shown me the way out of feeling disempowered and hopeless to empowered and knowing how I was going to play my part during this chapter of my life. And my focus was my vitality.

To feel empowered when our world is spinning out of control takes small consistent steps every day. It’s those steps that encourage us to get up, get dressed and live our best possible day.

Here are the ten daily rituals that took me from lost and overwhelmed to feeling healthy and strong.

10 rituals to support you when your world turns upside down

Morning pages. On a good day, I wrote my morning pages, processing, ranting, raging, accepting. On a bad day, I focused on the mantra, ‘this time shall pass – just keep breathing’.
Gentle exercise. I got outside every day – some days it was a 60 second walk to the gate, a 10 minute rest and then another 60 seconds back. On other days I could walk the 20 minutes to the park, the fresh air in my lungs, my mind focusing on the sky and the trees, feeling the wind on my face.
Wholesome food. Take the chemicals out of your diet and stay hydrated. This part of my vitality plan was most difficult for me as the anti-sickness tablets never worked – I relied on Jo’s homemade recipe of 4 parts water, 1 part orange juice and a pinch of salt to keep my dialytes in check and the only food I could keep down were cream crackers, brazil nuts and extra strong mints – the later being my Mum’s unsuccessful solution to stop me from being sick.
Allow others to help. A tough lesson for me. At the time, I was an independent corporate woman who knew all the answers. I had no idea how to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to share my fears, to show my real emotions. This chapter in my life shaped me and my relationships forever. By showing my vulnerability and finding the courage to allow loved ones to help, past hurts have been healed, love and acceptance shared, forgiveness given and received. Be brave, be you and accept that love and support from loved ones who are able to give. (That’s a whole other blog post – along with the kindness of strangers.)
Mindfulness. Every day find 10 minutes to just sit and breathe. Our breath is our life force and when we are stressed we have a tendency to breath shallow and fast, some of us even hold our breath. These 10 minutes will slow your mind down and bring much needed calm to an anxious mind and body.
Laughter. I guarantee you will laugh again and soon. You will find joy in the smallest of things. The restorative power of a funny film or book, listening to your favourite comedian, crying with laughter after falling down the hole in the bed after radiation treatment and having to be pulled out by two nurses… You will come through this time with moments and memories, stories and wisdom that will replenish you mind, body and soul.
Love. Surround yourself with loved ones who uplift you, support you, bring you cake… the ones who bring normality into your current routine with stories of their days – the ones who don’t look at you with pity but remind you of your strength. The ones who make plans with you, who drive you to the beach, who pack blankets and pillows in the car because they know you’re going to sleep all the way home…
Gratitude. The quickest and most joyful way to reignite your energy, to warm your heart, to bring clarity and appreciation for life. Whether you write in your journal or allow those thoughts to flow through your body – a few moments every day as a reminder of all you have will boost your vitality and pull you forward towards a brand new day.
Rest. Good quality sleep may be elusive for a while and as it’s the corner stone to vitality, you must find a way to rest throughout the day. Whether that’s finding time to nap, or allowing others to cook the dinner whilst you have a bath, make sure you prioritise this time. And remember a relaxing wind-down routine at the end of the day can make a huge difference to your ability to fall asleep.
Extra support. Whatever challenge you’re facing, or have faced, I highly recommend finding a counsellor or therapist who can help you make sense of it all and help you to heal. Our emotional resilience during any trauma is of upmost importance – it is this that takes us from surviving to thriving. The professional help I had during and after my cancer battle was life changing for me.

It was that safe space, support and the kindness that was shown to me that ignited a passion with me and became the driving force behind my own business as I went on to qualify as a coach, an art therapist and an EFT practitioner so I could support others in their success stories as they too came back to life.

What resources and rituals help you thrive?

These practices made all the difference to me. But I’d love to know your rituals – perhaps something that seems small, but made all the difference when times have been tough.

Share them in the comments below.

About Kat Holden

Kat began coaching over 10 years ago. Her ah-ha moment came during 7 long years of serious illness. It was then she discovered the power of coaching, personal development and modern psychology. Unsurprisingly as Kat discovered who she was at her core, healed past traumas and fears, she grew stronger and began to thrive; her happiness and confidence exploded.

Of course everyone around her wanted to know how this transformation came about including the doctors and specialists who had become an everyday part of life, so in 2014 Kat set up Kat Holden – Life After Cancer – Coaching & Consulting to revolutionise the way we live and work post cancer.

Today, Kat works as one of the in-house coaches for One of many, alongside her own work where she coaches exceptional people all over the world, helping them to figure out how to define their lives in a positive, healthy and fulfilling way, helping them to discover their best selves and live their very best lives after their battle with cancer.

Guest post: Being an introvert in an extrovert world

March 19, 2020 By Margaret Collins

About
Latest Posts

Margaret Collins

Margaret Collins is a One of many in-house coach. She has been coaching for nearly 20 years, and is the author of several books (including "Beyond Impostor Syndrome”). In addition to her One of Many™ training she has experienced many different approaches and tools including cognitive behavioural confidence coaching, neuropsychology, NLP and The Daring Way™/Dare to Lead™ based on the research of Dr Brené Brown.

Founder of CABS Cardiff, Margaret is familiar with the challenge of juggling demanding work roles with caring responsibilities whilst managing and running a business. She loves helping women explore how to create a dynamic and flexible work-life balance that works for them and their needs.

Latest posts by Margaret Collins (see all)

Guest post: Being an introvert in an extrovert world - March 19, 2020
Guest post: Are there advantages to Imposter Syndrome? - January 30, 2020

What does it feel like to be an introvert in an extrovert world?

It was the weekend before Christmas and I was getting ready to visit a neighbour who had invited me and other neighbours for drinks. I knew most of the people who might be at the gathering and would enjoy catching up with their news and stories.

Then my sister (a disabled adult) came home from her day out, tired, under the weather with a cold starting and fell deeply asleep just before we were due to leave for the party. With a degree of sadness – and a larger part of joy – I called my friend and explained that we wouldn’t be able to join her, but “many thanks for the invitation!”

Many introverts will completely understand this feeling.

It’s great to be invited… and even better to not have to attend!

What being an introvert isn’t

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re antisocial or don’t like being with people. Many introverts are very sociable, they just prefer smaller, more intimate gatherings rather than larger and potentially noisy parties. Introverts tend to enjoy deeper or more meaningful conversations in preference to making small talk with strangers.

So what does it mean to be an “introvert”?

In truth, there is more than one way to be introverted but the thing that all introverts have in common is that social interactions tend to drain their energy reserves. (Even when they are enjoying themselves in larger groups, it often feels exhausting.)

After a long day at work, an introvert will want to recharge their internal batteries – their preferred system is likely to involve a quiet night in, reading, listening to music, playing videos or games. Their energy is replenished internally, often alone.

In a similar situation a tired extrovert is more likely to come home and exclaim “I’m exhausted, let’s go out and party!”. A typical extrovert charges their batteries by “plugging in” to the energy of the people and events around them.

As you reflect on that last paragraph most people will totally understand both options, some people want quiet time, others want to socialise… yet, the truth is, that people who are quieter within groups or prefer to withdraw from groups and spend time on their own are often judged more harshly in most western cultures.

Is it really an extrovert world?

Unless you are an introvert, it can be easy to miss the extrovert bias. In most workplaces there are by default, shared or open plan offices and workspaces. These spaces are often noisy – and most introverts find this type of environment particularly challenging.

In most workplaces, work is assigned to teams. This style of working does not play to an introvert’s strengths and is often challenging for them. During job interviews and assessment centre exercises our group interactions are scrutinised, our willingness or ability to be an enthusiastic leader, to make our voice heard in a crowd, to be proactive and to persuade or influence others is evaluated and any preference for holding back, for reflection or quiet thought is usually given lower value in the “potential leader” stakes.

And yet introverts have many strengths.

They are very comfortable with data analysis, providing constructive critical analysis, planning (they love planning!) and risk assessment.
Introverts prefer to listen, reflect and evaluate before they offer a considered opinion. When making decisions a typical introvert may prefer to consider a body of evidence and choose a relatively risk averse option for the way forward. They provide a steady hand on the helm in troubled times.
There is an increasing body of evidence that shows that introverted employees, managers and leaders can be highly effective, can develop the members of their teams, deliver on their promises and follow-through on their work commitments.
And while it is a common perception that extroverts make better leaders, there really isn’t the evidence to back that hypothesis.

How can we harness the power of introverts?

As managers within organisations there are many small changes that can easily be made that will make a more even playing field for all your workers to give of their best. Here are a few practical ideas:

Give people the information to be discussed at a meeting in advance of the meeting so that people have the opportunity to read and consider that information before open discussion.
Invite people to write their thoughts on sticky notes before a group discussion, adding the notes to a collection on a wall for group consideration before evaluation.
Rather than the typical “free-for-all” discussion, there may be times when taking turns around the table inviting everyone to add their time-limited piece, might allow a reluctant introvert the opportunity to be heard.

And if you’re an introvert in an extrovert world?

Maybe the most important step is to recognise that you are an introvert and understand what this means for demands on your energy reserves. Once you clearly see that social interactions and group meetings drain energy, plan your strategy.

If you know you have a busy day ahead, rest up beforehand, maximise your alone time so you go into the day with your batteries topped up.
Understand that you may need to plan for time alone before or after a meeting – how can you create the space you need? Sometimes a tea or coffee break taken alone or a walk around the building will provide a 10 minute oasis of peace.
Recognise that creating this space may well be meeting a fundamental need for you – it’s not a sign of weakness or something to beat yourself up for. Do understand that it’s often more helpful to take this break before returning to engage fully with the group rather than to struggle on, miserable and withdrawn.
Another important step is for introverts to understand and own their strengths. When we realise that we have an unusual passion for planning, that our ability to spot potential risks is a great asset for the team not shared by all of our colleagues, and our hunger for information makes us natural researchers we begin to see that there’s nothing wrong with being introverted, we are essential to the organisation!
It might not be the highlight of your day but do go to meetings prepared, maybe even determined to make a contribution and get your voice heard. I actively seek to speak within the first ten minutes of the start of a meeting.

Begin to value your strengths and to offer them to your colleagues in ways that show that you understand their value.

At the moment, most organisations do have an extrovert bias so introverts will do well to plan for behavioural flexibility – even a little bit of fake-it-til-you-make-it.

So remember:

Plan to regularly replenish your energies
Use your strengths in strategy, preparation, analysis and detail orientation
Identify the highlights you wish to share in meetings
And yes, be brave!

Over to you…

If you’re an introvert, what strategies do you use to thrive and play to your strengths? Share them in the comments below!

About Margaret

Margaret Collins is a One of many in-house coach. She has been coaching for nearly 20 years, and is the author of several books (including “Beyond Impostor Syndrome”). In addition to her One of Many™ training she has experienced many different approaches and tools including cognitive behavioural confidence coaching, neuropsychology, NLP and The Daring Way™/Dare to Lead™ based on the research of Dr Brené Brown.

Founder of CABS Cardiff, Margaret is familiar with the challenge of juggling demanding work roles with caring responsibilities whilst managing and running a business. She loves helping women explore how to create a dynamic and flexible work-life balance that works for them and their needs. Find out more about her work by clicking here.