One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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Want to find a new relationship dynamic? Read this

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Most of us have at least one relationship in our lives we’d like to change in some way. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about, maybe even deeply love, the other person. But when interactions start to feel like a pattern you’re stuck in, it can be incredibly restrictive. If you want to find a new relationship dynamic but aren’t sure where to start, here’s an approach you can try. 

When roles become restricting

Let’s start by looking at the kinds of situations when you can find yourself getting “stuck” in a certain dynamic.

For example, you might find that you’re constantly the one who’s mothering your group of girlfriends. Sure, you’re happy to be the designated driver once in a while. But lately it seems like you’re forever organizing things, booking cabs, holding coats and keeping an eye on anyone who’s had one too many after-work drinks.

Isn’t it time you were able to let your hair down for once?

For Madeleine, a self-employed writer, it was her relationship with her partner that felt like it needed a shakeup. Since becoming parents, it was starting to feel as though their life had become an endless to-and-fro of childcare, admin, and work.

“We’ve been together for more than a decade and have always had a lot of fun. Suddenly, our interactions felt like they’d become so functional: who’s looking after the toddler, what errands need doing, did you remember to call so-and-so… and yet when we tried to make changes, I found myself becoming defensive – and we’d find ourselves back in the same place.”

For you, it might be a totally different relationship where the dynamic needs to shift: Your boss, your colleagues, even your kids.

What relationship can you think of where you’re treading the same old path, no matter what you try?

Want to change a relationship dynamic? Try this

If you’ve noticed a sense of frustration creeping into one of your relationships, it might be time to try a different tactic when it comes to shifting things up.

Often, we can find ourselves focusing on what we wish the other person would change. If only your friends weren’t so selfish, or your boss so demanding, you’d be golden, right?

Or we focus on what’s not working in our interactions with the other person. And end up talking ourselves round in circles as we dissect our frustrations, and feel as though we’re getting nowhere.

But in any relationship, there are always two people involved – and one of them is you. That’s who you have the greatest power to change. And making that change doesn’t actually need to involve the other person at all.

The great news is, when you begin to think about shifting the way you’re behaving, it takes the pressure off trying to make the other person change who they are. (Which, let’s face it, can be an uphill battle).

Does this mean you have to stop being you?

In a word, no. It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about being a different version of yourself, so that you can start making a stand for a healthier way of interacting. And when you start to behave differently, those around you inevitably respond in a different way.

Perhaps the ever-accommodating big sister starts to say “no” once in a while – your sibling will have to figure out an alternative.

Or the workaholic supermum decides she isn’t going to pile on the pressure by taking responsibility for her team’s results and the school bake sale. Someone you might never have thought of might decide to step into your usual place.

Learning to step into a different version of yourself – to create boundaries, change expectations and start standing up for how you want to be treated – is a life-changing skill.

If you know you could do with being a bit firmer when it comes to setting expectations and drawing boundaries, check out Enough is Enough: our free guide to gracefully setting unshakeable boundaries. Click here to download your free copy.

Using the PowerTypes to find a new relationship dynamic

If you’re not quite sure what dynamic’s playing out with that one difficult person, the Women’s PowerTypes™ are a fast way to get a handle on the different “roles” you’re playing in your life.

Warrioress, Sorceress, Queen, Lover and Mother. None of us are simply one PowerType – we’re all a blend of all 5. You’re at your most powerful when you can navigate smoothly between them all, effortlessly calling on the one that’s most appropriate for any given moment.

Often, when we feel stuck in a relationship dynamic, it’s because we’re using one PowerType more than the others. Rather than having access to all your different “selves”, you’re locked in one way of behaving.

Madeleine knew that, since becoming a mother, her Mother PowerType had really come to the fore. When it came to her romantic relationship, she knew Lover would be important to nurture, but there was a surprising PowerType that she discovered was equally vital.

“Warrioress was one of the lowest scores on my PowerTypes profile. She’s all about playful, youthful energy – and I realized that I’d really been missing that in my relationship too. We’d always loved going dancing, so reconnecting to music I love to move to, and channelling some of the playful energy I’m enjoying with my son into my relationship with my husband, really turned things around.”

Change the part you’re playing, and the script will shift

If you want to find a new relationship dynamic, start by thinking about the role you might be playing, and what might feel like a more fulfilling alternative.

Making small commitments to bring out a different side to you – listening to a particular track, moving in a different way physically – might have a bigger effect than you think.

Have you found yourself stuck in a relationship rut? What helped you to change the dynamic? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to replenish yourself in 2 minutes

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’re doing something that requires a lot of your energy – managing a job with big responsibilities, wrangling toddlers, travelling, pouring your heart into fulfilling work – it’s really important to take the time to fill yourself up. And yes, getting a good night’s sleep, taking the weekend to recharge or booking yourself in for an hour-long treatment are all great ways to do that.

But what if you simply don’t have time to give yourself a full rest session. Are there any ways to replenish yourself quickly and effectively – in 2 minutes?

That very question popped up in our Facebook community. It was posed by a mum looking to give herself a quick break from taking care of her energetic children over the holidays – but the responses were too good not to share.

So, in no particular order, here are ten of the best quick ways we know to recharge yourself.

10 ways to recharge in 2 minutes

1. Ground yourself

“Lie down on the grass (weather permitting!) or your floor, and breathe consciously in and out.”

2. Untwizzle

“With your feet on the floor, cross your ankles. Cross your wrists the opposite way (eg. left over right, then right over left – it doesn’t matter which order, as long as they’re different) and place them on your hips. Put your tongue behind your top teeth, and breathe through your nose.”

3. The scent of change

“I have trained my brain to link the smell of lavender to feeling peaceful. One sniff now and I am good.”

4. Tree gazing

“Standing outside looking at a tree, taking some slow, deep breaths, feeling the ground beneath you and the sky above, really noticing everything about the tree – the shape, the colours, the way it moves in the breeze. If you can’t get outside, even looking at a picture of a tree can be beneficial!”

5. Tappity tap

“You can make quite an impact by using EFT (a.k.a.Tapping) for just 2-3 minutes. It helps calm the limbic system (which is responsible for emotions) bringing about a sense of peace and calm. There are plenty of videos on YouTube you can look at if you’re not familiar with the basics. Only takes a couple of minutes to pick up and you can do it even while you’re with your kids (and teach it to them too!)”

6. Play!

“A technique a play therapist taught me was to look in the mirror and jump up and down for 2 minutes shouting yes yes yes or anything else positive and special to you.”

7. Show some love

“One for boosting your lover energy is moisturising or applying sun cream mindfully – just enjoying smoothing your skin and appreciate your body sending yourself love whilst you do it.”

8. Smell the flowers

“Go into the garden and sniff a flower close up,a big lung full but mind the bees!”

9. Get present

“Stand still and look up to the sky, look at your feet and look left and right. Ground yourself in the present. Whilst doing this breath in for 4 and out for 5. ”

10. Dance it out

“I love to put on music and dance”

We absolutely love these suggestions – what would you add? What are your go-to’s when the world gets too much and you only have a few minutes to collect yourself?

Is it time you had more than 2 minutes to spare?

While mini-rituals like this can be really helpful as stop-gaps, if you’re finding that you never manage to take a proper rest it could be that it’s time to rethink the way you’re approaching everything on your plate.

From Frantic to Fruitful: Time and Energy Secrets of Busy Women is our free training that can help you do just that. In it, I show you how to find an additional 5 hours a week (minimum!) so you can do what you feel called to, kick off that business, start that exercise program… or simply replenish yourself the way you need to.

Click here to sign up for this free training.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to support a friend with burnout

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Research from Montreal University earlier this year revealed once more something most of us are anecdotally aware of: women are far more likely to suffer from work-related burnout than men. Even if burnout hasn’t affected you directly, you’re almost certain to come across a woman experiencing it at some point: whether it’s your sister, your cousin, your old school friend or that colleague who never stopped working (until she had to).

So when it strikes, how can we make a difference to the amazing women around us who find themselves at the point of burnout? Are there things we can say or do to help support each other and avoid getting to it in the first place?

It’s worth noting that if someone you know is having more serious challenges, or isn’t being supported in any other way, it’s important for them to receive appropriate help. That might mean talking to their GP, accessing Occupational Health support via work, or contacting a professional who’s equipped to give them the support they need.

But outside of that, woman to woman, there’s an awful lot you can do to make a real difference to someone who’s struggling. Here are 5 places to start:

  1. Listen

I mean, really listen. Not while you’re scrolling through Facebook; not while you’re ‘just finishing this one email’. Turn off your devices, go somewhere quiet if you can (or use headphones if you’re on your mobile!) and give your friend the space to talk about what’s going on. In our Women’s coach training, we call this “devoted listening” – and it’s such a powerful thing to do.

For lots of us, resisting the urge to dive in with suggestions can be challenging. When we’re used to solving problems, from sales strategy to screaming toddlers, we can find ourselves locked in “solution” mode.

But feeling heard and acknowledged is a really important part of fostering true relationship, and in allowing each other to connect to our own wisdom.

So make some time to listen, and allow your friend to share exactly what’s happening for them, without interruptions.

2. Practice observation

When you’re talking to someone who’s going through burnout, it’s really important to give them space to talk. What can also be helpful is to get curious – put yourself in “observer” mode. Your aim isn’t to interrogate or criticise them, but you can gently reflect back what you’re noticing or hearing.

For example, you might notice that as they talk they’re repeatedly referring to times when they dropped everything to deal with someone else’s emergency.

Lovingly pointing that out, without emotion or judgment – “It sounds as though you’re often having to chair the team meeting at the last minute when Fred can’t make it” rather than “God, Fred’s always letting you down isn’t he?” – can be a really respectful way to help them connect to their own guidance.

The other important thing to bear in mind is our tendency to want to help others, which can often come in the form of “rescuing” them from a situation by taking it on ourselves.

Needless to say, adopting their stress as your own won’t help either of you. Powerful listening and gentle reflection of what’s happening is the most compassionate way to get truly present to what’s happening, without disempowering or patronising.

3. Signpost where you can

As your friend talks, it may become clear that there’s somewhere they could access more help from.

Maybe they’re finding it hard to stand up for themselves and set boundaries; they could really do with someone to delegate household chores to, or they’re in need of an amazing PA to share some of the business load with them.

When you’re in the thick of things, just looking for a solution can feel like a mountain to climb. With their permission, ask if there’s anything you can do to help them find the support they need.

Be specific – “Would you like me to find the phone number of a local cleaner who could pop in for an hour a week?”, for example, or “Shall I ask my amazing accountant to email you about setting up a meeting?”

Your aim isn’t to add more things to your friend’s to-do list – and if what she needs is time to rest and do nothing, it’s really important to respect that. But if you can help her connect to the support that could really make a difference, you might find that’s the greatest gift you can give.

4. Come back to Love

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are our guides to stepping into our uniquely female leadership – and Mother is the PowerType that’s most compassionate and caring when it comes to the people in our lives.

Healthy Mother energy is able to hold unconditional love for those close to us (without depleting herself or moving into self-sacrifice.)

That means letting your friend know you’re there for her, you value her, and you love her just as she is – no matter how she’s feeling, or what she thinks she’s failed at.

It’s also important to remember to take time to replenish yourself. If you’re taking care of someone in your life, it can be emotionally exhausting, so make sure you give yourself space to fill up and restore your energy.

It will enable you to be the best support possible for them as they move out of burnout and back to healing.

5. Help them stop it happening again

Many women in our community describe burnout as a wake up call – and a catalyst for them to make changes in their life to stop it happening again.

When the time is right, helping your friend to explore the lessons a challenging experience has brought them, and reassuring them that they’re not alone in having gone through it, can be a really kind thing to do.

Whether it’s shifting careers, balancing responsibilities or restoring healthier boundaries, knowing we’re supported by others has a huge impact on our recovery, resilience and ability to thrive after a setback like burnout.

Are you a natural helper?

If you’re a born supporter who loves helping women get their mojo back after a challenge, or be kind to themselves during times of stress or burnout, have you ever considered becoming a coach?

Coaches help women with all kinds of challenges – overwhelm and burnout are just one of them – and training to provide this kind of support can lead to an incredibly rewarding career if you enjoy interacting with and empowering other women.

You can find out more about our Coaching Certification program by watching our free online training, The Secret To Coaching Women – click here to book your spot.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The difference between goals and dreams

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

What’s the difference between goals and dreams? Are they simply different words for talking about what’s essentially the same thing, or is there a distinction between them when it comes to creating the future you want?

The language you use to describe what you’re doing matters. Knowing what your aim is can give you access to different tools and behaviours that can help you get to where you want to go.

But first, let’s get clear on what we mean when we talk about these two concepts.

The difference between goals and dreams

Goals are commonly used in a work context, or when we’re talking about something specific.

You might have come across the acronym SMART used when talking about goal setting. There are variations on what the different letters stand for, but an often-accepted definition is:

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Achievable
  • Realistic
  • Time-sensitive

Examples of goals might be…

Run 5km by October

Increase business profits by 50% this quarter

Teach my daughter to tie her shoelaces independently by the time she starts school

Dreams, on the other hand, tend to have a more abstract feel to them.

They might not be something you can write down or describe in words – your dream might be an image, a feeling or a very broad idea of something you would like to experience in your future.

Your dream might be…

To have my own business doing work I love

To travel somewhere adventurous

To feel true soul connection to my partner

Why distinguish between goals and dreams?

The difference between these concepts is pretty clear, then. While a goal is something that’s straightforward to describe and plan for, a dream is something less tangible. You’ll know when you get there, but you might not have a clear sense of exactly when that will be or what the steps are for you to achieve it.

Many of us have been brought up in a society where goals are considered to be superior to dreams.

Perhaps you were told by a teacher or a parent that you “daydreamed” too much, or that you needed to make your dreams more concrete.

In the workplace, we’re often encouraged to set realistic, measurable targets – and of course, it makes sense to be able to define when we’ve achieved certain outcomes and to be able to track our progress.

But does that really make dreams inferior?

Dreams vs. goals: The PowerTypes insight

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are powerful role models of female leadership that enable us to access our inner resources and step into our most powerful selves.

When it comes to goals and dreams, we see two PowerTypes come to the fore: The Queen and the Sorceress. Here’s how they can help you get clear on what you’re aiming for.

Setting goals with the Queen

Call to mind an archetypal queen: serene, regal and authoritative, she steers her realm by making decisions for the good of all. Queen is the PowerType we call on when it’s time to set clear goals that will define our activities over a period of time.

Just as the Queen of a kingdom manages her resources, setting clear priorities for her court, her army and her treasury, so you can use your own Queen energy to guide your decisions.

You might choose to set boundaries in service of your goal – for example, agree that your partner will take care of the evening chores three nights a week so you can make progress with your running schedule.

The Queen is a powerful decision maker; she trusts her intuition but she also takes advice from her wise counsellors. So if your boss suggests that your goal of doubling your team’s sales figures isn’t a realistic one, you’ll take their advice into account. And your big vision and sense of clear-eyed certainty will motivate others around you to lend their energy to help your goal.

Dreaming with Sorceress

Sorceress is the PowerType we turn to when it’s time to dream.

It’s important to note that no one PowerType is prioritised over the others, so your connection to your Sorceress is in no way more or less important than your Queen. Instead, we recognise the need to be able to draw on the PowerType that’s most appropriate for what we’re trying to achieve in any given moment.

The ability to dream, to intuit and to feel what might be possible for the future is absolutely as important as your capability for planning and preparing for goals.

The Sorceress “feels” into her visions and is able to see possibilities that might not be open to others, or which might even feel impossible. She’s attuned to nature, and tends to spend time on her own connecting to her inner vision and trusting absolutely in the gifts or insights it brings her.

Your Sorceress might guide you to connect with a certain person, invest in a specific workshop or say “no” to an opportunity that for some reason doesn’t feel “right”.

Learning to trust these visions and stay open to the ways in which they might become a reality can be a challenge for those of us more used to rolling up our sleeves and making things happen – but it’s a skill that the most powerful leaders are often able to use.

Dreaming in action

Jen Le Marinel, a One of many Certified Coach, describes why dreams are so important:

We all have dreams. Some are big, some are small. Some seem impossible, some are forgotten, some are buried deep inside, lost under the pile of stuff that everyday life throws at us. But somewhere, there’s that spark, that every now and then gets fanned, and it flickers. Nurtured, it grows, ignored, it dies down…

Jen’s taken many courageous steps on the path to bringing her dreams to life, and one things she’s learned along the way is that giving appropriate value to your dream allows you to balance your efforts to achieve your goals along the way.

Once you’re on the right path, and living the dream – I mean, living by the VALUES of that dream – you’re actually already there. The achievement of the ultimate dream doesn’t feel so urgent, as you’re already living in alignment with what that dream will give you. And the best bit….when you’re on that path, the ultimate dream even begins to speed up towards you!

It makes sense, doesn’t it – there’s no point putting your energy towards reaching a certain goal if it’s not ultimately leading towards a dream that feels good to be moving towards.

And as Jen has learned, being able to dream – and trust that dream – can lead to a life that you might never have imagined if you had only permitted yourself to stick to those “manageable” or “realistic” goals.

TODAY I’m now considering some steps that could potentially lead me to my “out there” dream in a matter of months. A place I never dreamed I’d reach at all, let alone so soon. It’s not going to be easy and I don’t even know for sure that the time is definitely right, but I do know that if I hadn’t started “living the dream” a couple of years ago I definitely wouldn’t be living the dream today.

Knowing how to balance your Queen and Sorceress – your dreams and your goals – is the key to unlocking your fullest potential – and having the impact you’re ultimately here to make.

Are you more of a goal-setter or a dreamer?

Do you tend to break things down into practical steps, or are you more of a big-picture dreamer? Remember, neither of those is better or worse than the other – and most of us tend to find one comes more naturally, while the other requires more conscious cultivation.

Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How can personal development help me?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Personal development is everywhere these days – from branded journals to bestselling self-help books. But for the average woman juggling everything, it can all start to feel like one more thing to add on to your list – along with saving the world, going to the gym, and taking out the recycling. If you’ve found yourself asking “how can personal development help me?” you’re not alone.

What is personal development?

In a nutshell, personal development is any investment (of time, money or energy) that you make in yourself.

Personal development can take a number of different forms, including:

  • Profile tests and quizzes which give you insight into your patterns of behaviour and help you understand your strengths and weaknesses
  • Empowering books sharing processes or mindset shifts – you’ve probably come across a few of these
  • Workshops and trainings in specific tools like leadership, time management, or managing conflict
  • 1:1 work with a coach or trained professional
  • Practices or rituals like journalling, meditating or mindfulness

Have you come across other forms of personal development?

Sharing what’s worked (and what hasn’t) with other women is a great way for us to all expand our resources. Let us know your experience in the comments at the end of this article.

How can personal development help me?

Whatever form of personal development you decide to do, first and foremost it’s important to understand how it can (and can’t) help you.

What personal development can’t help you with

Personal development has its limits. It can’t replace technical or industry-specific training and information. If your goal is to become a brain surgeon, getting to know yourself and learning how to adopt a more successful mindset will help you manage your work but won’t replace medical school when it comes to wielding a scalpel.

And there are times when the support you’re looking for will go beyond personal development. Therapy, counselling and mental health support might be more appropriate interventions when you’re in need of deeper support, and personal development doesn’t replace those.

But if you’re looking for practical changes to your everyday experience, and tired of feeling as though you’re stuck in any area of your life, here’s how personal development can help.

5 ways personal development can help you

1. Personal development can help you stand up for yourself

You might be really clear on what’s important to you, how you want to be treated, and the way you’d like to spend your time. And yet, people in your life just seem to walk all over your preferences and, because you’re not someone who enjoys conflict, you’re not really sure how to stop them.

If you find yourself slipping into martyr mode – where you’re doing everything to make other people’s lives better and not getting anything in return – it might be time to explore how you can become a more powerful version of yourself.

Topics to explore: Confidence, boundaries, personal power, speaking up

2. Personal development can help you understand WHY things happen

Are certain patterns repeating themselves in your life? Perhaps other people never seem to respect your time and are always cancelling appointments at the last minute. Or you always seem to feel inadequate about your weaknesses, even though you know your strengths lie in other areas.

When you understand what makes you tick, and have a sense of your unique abilities as well as your challenges, you’re able to let go of a lot of energy-sucking anxiety and worry. You can look at the root cause of issues, rather than just their “symptoms”. The difference that can make in the results you achieve is often surprising.

Topics to explore: Personality profiles, mindset, habits

3. Personal development can reset your results

When you understand yourself better, you’re more able to make decisions based on your unique personality. You might choose to completely stop certain things which are always a struggle, and instead focus your energy on the behaviours which really create results.

Maybe you’re a business owner who really struggles to stay on top of your systems. Emails get lost, client details misfiled and your calendar is, quite frankly, a mess. Instead of beating yourself up for not being more organized, you might discover that your real talent lies in face to face connection and in the amazing power you have to transform individuals you spend time with. So, you decide to stop trying to “fix” yourself, hire support with the administration, and focus your energy on what you’re really good at.

The result? Outcomes way beyond what seemed possible when you were stuck wearing all the hats.

Topics to explore: Mindset, goals, how to be effective, leadership

4. Personal development can change your perspective

It’s easy for us to get stuck in “echo-chambers” or “bubbles” on social media and in our communities. When you spend all your time with people who never take a break, that can start to feel normal.

But personal development can often open your eyes to a totally different way of looking at things. Maybe your coach asks you a question about a habit you’ve never thought to question: do you really need to spend Sunday evening preparing for the work week? Would your family mutiny if you decided to order a takeaway once a week instead of cooking? Is hiring a cleaner really beyond your budget?

One of the most powerful things we can do is learn to question the assumptions we take for granted – and use them to create change.

Topics to explore: Coaching, mindfulness, abundance, mindset

5. Personal development can help you be more you

It’s easy to be sceptical about the latest “trend” in personal development, or to assume that it might lead to burning incense, hugging your boss and reciting mantras in the mirror. (All of those things are totally fine, by the way – they just might not be your style!)

The thing to remember about personal development is it’s just that: personal.

Whether you choose to start a quiet journaling habit when the kids have gone to bed, invest in a coach who can help you work out how you’re holding yourself back, or commit to a course that will change the way you think about your marriage, what you choose to do is up to you.

Topics to explore: Journalling, meditation, how to change your life

The clue’s in the name

The most powerful, successful and impactful women I know didn’t get to where they are by pushing on and ignoring their own needs. Far from a waste of your time, investing in personal development means you can make sure you’re using it in the most efficient and effective way.

If you’ve found yourself rolling your eyes at someone else’s latest personal development trend, remember that we’re all different. Taking the time to work out what will best support you might lead to something completely different – and a transformed experience.

I’m curious: what’s your take on the personal development thing? Are you a course junkie or a self-help evangelist? Or do you tend more to the sceptical side of things? Let us know in the comments.

If you’re not sure where to get started, Life’s Little Toolkit is a mini kit we gathered together of the top resources our community love to use. From how to get out of overwhelm to how to stop worrying, it’s packed with helpful advice and step-by-step tools.

Click here to download yours now – and let us know which one works best for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Too much to do, too little time?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Too much to do, too little time? Welcome to the somewhat knackered club! Research this year from the Mental Health Foundation Thinktank in the UK showed that 81% of women felt overwhelmed or unable to cope in the past year (and we’re not being swamped with spa days or lie-ins). Having too much to do and too little time is a challenge we face time and again within our community and even our own team.

So today I want to share not only a few ways that we’ve found of coping with the times that you’re overwhelmed, but the missing piece when it comes to really getting to the bottom of what’s going on. So you can get off the “hamster wheel” for good.

Why do you have too much to do?

Let’s start by thinking about the first part of the problem: all those things that you have on your to-do list.

No doubt you’ve got some combination of the following swallowing up your time faster than you can glug that coffee going cold on your desk right now.

  1. Things which might come under the heading of life admin (renewing the car insurance, booking those flights, taking the dog to the vet…)
  2. Work responsibilities: the full spectrum of tasks from emails and fiddly tasks to people managing, troubleshooting, big picture strategising and planning.
  3. Friends and family: helping your parents, your kids, your siblings and your friends with the challenges they’re facing
  4. Your relationship (if you’re in one!): spending time with your partner, nurturing a fulfilling physical relationship, and making space for connection
  5. And (although this one might feel like wishful thinking…) your own spiritual and emotional well-being. Going to concerts or exhibitions, being creative, travelling, exploring, getting still, connecting to your spiritual side

Now, I’m sure there’s absolutely no need to convince you just how much there is on your plate. You know all of this already.

But if you’re experiencing the feeling that there’s too much to do and not enough time the first half of that equation is one that is worth paying attention to.

How can you give yourself less to do?

In a nutshell there are 3 ways you can get through your list: Ditch it, delegate it, or do it yourself in the most effective way.

Saying “no” and strengthening your boundaries around what’s yours is a skill that takes practice, but it’s the only way to start reducing the load that’s piled on. Ever heard the saying “if you want something done, ask a busy person”? Once you’re known as someone who always dives in and makes things happen, it’s more and more common to be asked to do more.

Say no, say it’s not a priority, say you’d love to help but it’s simply not possible right now.

However you do it, getting used to gently but firmly upholding your boundaries is such an important part of staying on top of the endless tide of requests.

Sure there’s nothing on your plate you can let go of? Then let’s look at the next part of the challenge: not having enough time.

Why don’t you have enough time to do it?

We all have the same number of hours a day. Those rockstar women who change the world, raise 10 kids, make millions of pounds a year and travel to amazing places (which they then plaster all over Facebook…) have exactly the same amount of time as you do.

Unlike our to-do lists, time is equal. And it’s also finite. We can’t create more of it and we definitely can’t get it back once it’s gone.

What we can do is learn to use it in a way that gives us more space and allows the possibility of flowing with the hours we have at our disposal instead of against them.

I want to take a second to address the issue of equality here, because although we have the same number of hours in a day, depending on the hand that life has dealt us we all have very different things to do with them.

You might be able to afford to invest in more or less help with the things that are on your plate, for example.

Some of us have responsibilities, such as being a carer, or a parent, which others don’t. We all have different abilities, different opportunities and different commitments. And I don’t want to diminish that or suggest that each of us has exactly the same amount of control over the time that we have in our days.

What I do want to do is to draw your attention to the power you do have because – because no matter the circumstances, at some level you always have a choice in how you spend those hours and minutes.

And just as you have a say over things on your list you have a say in how you spend the time you have available to you. But here’s the thing – not every hour of the day is the same when it comes to getting things done. Approach the same task at 8 in the morning, or 4 in the afternoon, and you’ll see very different results.

Which leads me to the part that most of us were never taught to take into account when planning our days.

The missing piece of the puzzle: Energy

When you have too much to do and too little time it’s easy to get caught up in that simple dichotomy: hours in the day versus items on your to-do list.

And there are absolutely times when those two things are what you need to focus on.

When you’re overwhelmed, when you’re in the thick of things, when you’re fighting what feel like urgent fires – by all means use the tools you have available to get the most important things done in the time you have available to you.

What makes our approach is slightly different to others you might have seen is that in our training and philosophy we bring in a third focus – and that’s your energy.

When you start paying attention to the different amounts and kinds of energy you have and on how that can fluctuate, it’s like unlocking a whole new area of awareness.

That’s when you can start to experience having more time than you thought. Or creating times when you can achieve more than ever seemed possible. When even though you’ve made huge strides towards your goals, you can end your day not only at a reasonable hour but with a reasonable amount of energy left to do the things that you want to do.

Maybe even the things that no one else will know if you do – like taking really good care of yourself before you go to bed; processing some of your emotions in your journal; or just taking a few moments to be grateful for everything has come your way over the course of that day.

Need a hand?

We have lots of resources to share around this because we know how big an issue overwhelm is for capable intelligent women navigating today’s world.

If the very idea of having more free hours in your week feels like an impossibility, and overwhelm is starting to take over, maybe it’s time to take a deeper look at what’s going on.

Our free training: From Frantic to Fruitful is the best way to get started when it comes to implementing this missing piece of the time management puzzle and creating more time in your week – even if your diary’s full.

Click here to signup for the session.

In it you’ll start to understand the underlying causes of that frantic feeling and explore a very different way of approaching what you’re able to get done in the day.

How about you?

If you have too much to do and too little time I’m curious. Does it feel like you have way too many responsibilities you’re finding it hard to say no to? Or is it that the hours you do have seem to slip by without you getting done what you wanted to? And I’d love to know if energy plays a part in your awareness right now. Take a minute to check in the comments below.

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How to tell if you’re busy or productive

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever felt as though, even though you spend your day ticking boxes and meeting deadlines, you don’t seem to be getting any closer to the big things you really dream of doing? You’re zooming from task to task like a bee after one too many cups of coffee, so how come it feels as though you never have time to stop and smell the flowers? Maybe it’s time to get honest with yourself with this question: Are you busy or productive?

The real meaning of “busy”

You might know by now that I’m a bit of a geek when it comes to language – I love to look at the root of the words we use day-to-day to understand deeper layers of their meaning.

So I was intrigued to learn that the word “busy” comes from the Old English word “bisig” which originally meant “careful” or “anxious”.

Later, it came to mean “continually employed or occupied, in constant or energetic action” – which is much closer to the sense in which we use it today.

But that feeling of being anxious, and diligent – of staying constantly in action at all costs, is one which I think remains when we have the sensation of being “busy” in our lives.

Busy is a slightly frantic state where we keep ourselves constantly in motion. We get lots done, but it’s almost as though we begin to chase activity for its own sake.

After all, if you weren’t constantly busy, what would that say about your value? How useful you were? Or how well you were using your time?

Shaa Wasmund, MBE is a hugely successful business woman whose book Do Less, Get More is a manual for those frustrated with where being busy is getting them.

“As the former Queen of Busy, my life was filled with projects, appointments, meetings, and email, email, and more email! But everything changed when I realised this one simple, but totally counterintuitive principle: More isn’t the answer. Less is!

There’s no point in spending your days like a hamster on a wheel in hopes of happiness ‘some day’, there are no prizes for doing your own dishes, and your stuff can become a straightjacket before you know it.”

You might be getting lots done, but as Shaa puts it, “there are no prizes” for being the busiest woman on the block.

If you’re serious about having the impact you want to, you’re going to have to to take a closer look at how you’re spending your time – and the solution isn’t necessarily obvious.

Productive isn’t the same as busy

So if being busy isn’t something we necessarily want to aspire to, how about being productive? At first glance, that seems like a much more logical goal.

If we look at it from a definition perspective, productive means being able to generate, create, enhance or bring forth goods and services. And our society places a huge value on that – it’s what most of us get paid for doing in our careers.

It’s no coincidence that there’s a huge amount of productivity training out there, helping us to become more and more effective and efficient at producing value. And yet productivity isn’t something we aspire to, here at One of many. Let me explain why.

Productivity as applied to our work is a term which arose back in the industrial revolution, when factories of machines began to replace people when it came to making goods. Suddenly, there was a new priority: to make those machines as productive and efficient as they could be.

When you think about a production line, that makes a lot of sense – of course you want to tweak those machines to produce the maximum amount. There’s a linear process: input and output.

Only you’re not a machine. You’re a woman. And it’s when we start to think of ourselves as simple, linear machines producing a constant output that we can run into all kinds of trouble. We start to resist our natural cycles, for example of our moods, energy and emotions.

It’s that kind of thinking that can lead to you deciding you’d be far more productive if you squeezed in a couple of hours answering emails at 10pm – ignoring the fact that by that time of night the only thing you’re ready for is Netflix and a glass of wine. Or better still- bed!

Or scheduling yourself an afternoon of errands and meetings on the day of the month when you’re ready to crawl into your hermit cave and hibernate from the world for a few days.

Those might be productive decisions, in the sense that they meet the goal of producing and creating as much as possible. But when it comes to having the impact you want, and being as effective as you can be, there’s another concept I prefer to use.

Busy or productive? How about Fruitful…

When we look at nature, it can indeed seem extraordinary how much is created through the yearly cycle. The average apple tree produces hundreds of fruit each year, and yet it doesn’t produce them like a machine, one after the other, seamlessly.

It’s fruitful: it produces abundance according to its own cycle, at the time of year when it’s right for it to create.

If busy-ness is about activity for its own sake – and productivity is about work – fruitfulness is about understanding our cycles and rhythms. It’s using them to tap into the magic of creating in line with your individual flow.

Shifting your thinking to ask how you can be more fruitful is one of the most powerful changes you can make. It might mean doing less each day, or scheduling in times when you’re not being outwardly “productive” – like time to think reflect or recharge.

And yet the impact you can have, and the abundance it’s possible to create, goes way beyond what’s possible simply by being busy, or even on focusing on what you produce each day.

Would you like to be fruitful?

If you’re curious about the idea of fruitfulness and exploring how it relates to your goals, responsibilities, and dreams, then you might want to check out this free training: Frantic to Fruitful.

This training is for you if you feel like you’re on a bit of a hamster wheel. You’re doing an amazing job or getting everything done, and yet you have the niggling feeling that you’re ready to contribute more to the world than an empty inbox and a completed to-do list.

I’ll explain the simple strategy I use to escape the “busy” trap – and share tips you can apply straight away to your busy life.

Where are you at right now – do you feel busy, productive or fruitful? Let us know in the comments!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Are relationships about compromise?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Are relationships about compromise? In 2011, Madonna was quoted as saying:

“The older I get, the more I understand about the nature of relationships and how to have a successful one. The more I realize that it has to do with compromise and sacrifice and that’s just the way it goes. And unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life, you have to realize that.”

Put like that, it sounds pretty black and white, doesn’t it? And yet, you probably know other people who are equally adamant that the right relationships are ones where you don’t have to sacrifice any part of yourself, or compromise who you are. So what’s the answer?

Here’s a quick guide to getting clear on when it’s a good idea to compromise.

What are you compromising on?

First things first, it’s important to get clear on your values when it comes to relationships. Values are the things which matter most to us – they’re our fundamental motivations in life. To explore your relationship values, start by asking yourself the following questions:

  • What’s most important to you?
  • What won’t you tolerate?
  • What motivates you?

When you have a list, try grouping similar values together so you can come up with a list of around 5 that feel most important to you.

Knowing your values is a really helpful sign post when it comes to considering a compromise. (If trust is on that list, for example, you’re unlikely to want to compromise when it comes to a partner who isn’t honest with you.)

But it’s not the only thing to bear in mind. Some things aren’t values, but are vital to you being able to live your life. These are your needs, and they’re the second aspect to consider when a compromise comes up.

What are your needs?

Needs are the basic requirements for us to be able to function. Not luxuries or desires, they’re the minimum things we need in place to be ourselves. Maybe you need 8 hours’ sleep at night, time to walk in nature, or plenty of water. In relationship, you might need to have a certain amount of physical contact, or time to be alone.

That’s not to say that you’ll never compromise on your needs. If your adventure-loving partner wants to get up at dawn to go on the holiday of their dreams, you might agree to compromise as a one-off.

But if your friend won’t stand for anything other than a night of cocktails, when you know your body needs to steer clear of alcohol, it could be time to decide you’re not going to compromise.

When you know your values and needs, you can set clear boundaries

Your boundaries are the agreements you make with yourself and others about what you will and won’t tolerate. You can have boundaries with others, for example about how your kids behave or when you’re available for work requests from your boss. And you can also have boundaries with yourself, for example about what you will or won’t tolerate.

At our BeLove retreat, we create a relationship manifesto. This isn’t just for intimate relationship, but for how you’re going to behave in all relationships. If you have a partner, this can be an incredibly helpful thing to share, so you know the common agreements you want to put in place.

Perhaps you commit to discussing disagreements over a cup of tea, instead of having a screaming match in the car on the way to your mum’s. Knowing that in advance can help you figure out compromises before tensions rise and things get heated.

So when could you think about compromising?

Outside of your values, boundaries and needs there are many cases when compromising your personal preference is something you’re happy to do. For example, you might decide to compromise when it comes to expressing appreciation for people you’re in relationship with.

The Five Love Languages are a system of distinguishing the ways we express and receive love. They are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch

Maybe you’re a hugger – you love physical touch and it’s the way you’d naturally show your partner you love them. But what your Dad would most appreciate is having your help with things he’s trying to do – he’s all about the quality time.

Or you really want to show your colleague how much you appreciate them. You’ve noticed how words of praise really light them up, and so you take the time to compose a thoughtful email detailing exactly the impact they’re having on you.

We’re all different, and the Love languages are a great example of how we can compromise in a way that feels good, because it allows us to deepen our connection with others.

The same thing goes for many other areas of compromise. Often, it’s those differences from other people that attract us to be in relationship with them in the first place.

So whether it’s expressing love, choosing what to have for dinner, or where to live, there are all kinds of opportunities for compromise. What’s key is understanding the motivation behind your decision, from an understanding of where your own boundaries lie.

What’s at the root of the compromise?

Perhaps the most important thing to consider when it comes to compromise is what the motivation is behind it. If you’re compromising in an effort to please the other person, or make them like you, it might be that the root cause is a fear of not being good enough. Eventually, that kind of pattern can lead to you feeling resentful, put-upon or drained.

On the other hand, compromise can come from a place of wanting to make the other person feel good, and brighten their day. Maybe you don’t love that one band your partner’s been obsessed with since university – but you’ll book them tickets and go along to the concert because you know what deep joy it will bring to their lives.

When you know your needs and your boundaries, and you’re clear on your values, you know you’re staying true to the things which matter most to you. Compromise can be a place you choose to visit to express love to those around you, without feeling like you’re betraying yourself.

How about you?

What’s your experience of compromise? Do you make conscious decisions to compromise for your partner – and do they make compromises for you? Share your experiences, positive or negative, in the comments.

If you’re ready to transform your personal relationships, and discover profound self-love, our BeLove retreat could be just for you. For a no obligation consultation with one of our team members to find out if this is the right step for you, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What to do when you’re jealous

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Who do you know who’s annoyingly perfect? Maybe it’s a friend who’s given up drinking and carbs for pre-dawn yoga sessions, and looks about ten years younger. An ex-colleague who’s  out there killing it and soaking up the praise, while you’re stuck behind the same old desk. Or the mum in the playground frolicking happily with her kids without once checking her phone or losing her temper. It’s an icky feeling, but if you recognize what I’m talking about, you’re definitely not alone. Here’s what to do when you’re jealous of someone.

A while back I joined a high level mentoring program full of scarily successful women entrepreneurs doing big and inspiring things. One of my fellow participants was a really inspiring woman, who had once been a client of mine. I’ll never forget one session where she described the way she’d grown her work.

As she spoke about her business, I remember thinking that it almost felt like watching a virtuoso performance by a concert pianist. She absolutely lit up as she shared her passion.

I took in the amazing wisdom she had about what was going well and why; the trust and sense of purpose coming through in her words; her insight into her process and the theories behind her actions.

Everything about her exuded flow and connection. She evidently deserved her success. And I’d love to tell you I was filled with happiness and joy at seeing her finding her “thing” and doing what she loved, but you know what?

Instead, I felt myself shrinking and shriveling inside. I was comparing myself to her – and the experience wasn’t pleasant.

The truth about competition

When we see someone else succeeding, it is so, so easy for a mindset of competition to creep in.

Competition is a signature ‘masculine’ energy. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel it as women, but it gives us a very different experience to when we’re connected to more feminine energy. Competition can be a really helpful tool to harness – think about when we’re aiming to beat our own performance and improve our results – but when it comes to thinking about someone else’s success, competition can actually be less than helpful.

Instead of thinking about how inspiring it was that this woman had achieved such amazing things, I was starting to ask myself “why am I not as good as she is?”

And before I knew it, I was in a state of complete insecurity. “What have you been doing?” the voices in my head clamoured. “Look how great she is, and now look where you are! Nowhere! You’ve been coasting along taking it easy when you could have been getting results like that!”

Comparison like that is a trap. If you’ve ever found yourself in that kind of mindset, you’ll know how fast it can take over. The criticism we generate for ourselves is rarely fair (in my case, the ‘coasting along’ I was berating myself for included having an actual baby, for goodness’ sake!)

And this is when we can start to get hostile towards the other person. To imagine them judging us or looking down on us. Have you ever heard the phrase “tall poppy syndrome”? It’s that thing where we see someone enjoying success and we want to tear them down, to bring them back to our level.

That kind of thinking is very much rooted in competition, because it places our goal not as rising together, but as needing to get ahead of someone else by any means necessary.

Next we start to make excuses. “It’s not fair.” or “She must have better connections”. All those mean things our brains come up with when we’re feeling less-than someone else, right?

What to do when you feel jealous

So what can you do if, like me, jealousy takes hold and you find yourself in a vortex of insecurity?

1. Replenish yourself first

It won’t surprise you to hear that the first thing I did was to take myself out for a walk. Notice those feelings; have a glass of water; get some fresh air.

Take care of your basic needs and you’ll be far better placed to respond from your higher-level self and not that lizard brain (which might well just need a sandwich and a walk round the block to calm down a little.)

2. Next, go deeper

The simultaneous curse and blessing of our insecurities is that they are the gateway to deep, rich and rewarding human connection. Any time our insecurities come up, it’s usually because we’re opening ourselves up.

So if jealousy has reared its head, don’t dismiss it or try and ignore it. You’re feeling it for a reason – that person has something that you desire. The unkind thoughts we often feel are simply a mechanism by which your mind is trying to protect you. By projecting your insecurity outwards on to the person you’re jealous of, it’s defending you from feeling inadequate or small.

Take a few minutes to connect to what you’re feeling and identify: what is it specifically that you’re jealous of? It might be deeper than you think at first, so give yourself some time to explore it.

If you’re jealous of someone’s business, what does that mean? Would you like to have the sense of accomplishment, financial success, or public profile that the other person has?

Find out what’s at the root of the feeling, and you’ll know where you’re ready to grow. 

3. Remember: they are human too

Now you’re clear about what your jealousy has flagged up for you, take some time to remember that however amazing they are, the person who’s brought these feelings to light for you is definitely not perfect. No one is!

They have their own doubts, fears, and challenges. And even if they don’t seem to have any insecurities at all, they are still on a journey of growth and evolution.

4. Recognise your own strengths

Ask yourself: What am I great at? What am I grateful for? At this stage I invite you to, literally, count your blessings!

So your marriage might not be the world’s greatest right now – but you’ve been pouring a ton of energy into supporting your team, and you know that it’s made a huge difference to their lives. Or maybe you’re

  • a brilliant problem solver
  • a calm and courteous driver
  • the best at bringing humour to the driest of meetings

…Or something completely different. Think of all the things you’re great at; all the ways you make a difference to the people around you. There are probably people out there who are jealous of you!

5. Be Vulnerable

Now, return to that desire that jealousy has opened up for you. There’s an opportunity here, for the sharing of wisdom, and for connection. An opportunity for growth, which will only come from being vulnerable and opening up to the person you’re feeling jealous of.

I use this simple script: “I see you’re great at X. How do you do that?”

They might be a great parent.

“You are always so calm with your child. How do you do that?”

Or perhaps they’re great at motivating their team.

“Your team are so loyal. I can see you have an amazing relationship. How do you do that?”

Get curious, and allow yourself ‘not to know’.

Because this is where we really find the deliciousness that lies on the other side of insecurity. Where we are able to use our jealousy to open us up to learning new things.

Jealousy can allow you to receive wisdom from others that might really transform things in your life.

Insecurity and comparison unite almost all of us at points – whether it’s hidden or overt. Learning to spot it can be an amazing opportunity to grow and learn, and is a huge part of us stepping into collaboration instead of competition when we see other women succeeding.

And that’s exactly what I did with the woman in my mastermind. I asked her to share how she achieved her amazing results – and the result was learning I would never have experienced if I hadn’t allowed myself to connect with the jealousy, and move into a vulnerable place of learning.

Could you do with more support?

It can be challenging to dig into feelings we’re not proud of, and to know exactly where to start when it comes to creating the life you really want. If you want to make the most of your time and start turning challenges into opportunities to step up and make a real impact, working with a coach is a great place to start.

Our coaches are skilled in applying our cutting edge tools and methods to help you up-level in your life, and have all been certified through our rigorous training, feedback and certification process. To find the right coach for you, take a look at our easy to use directory where you can search by location or keyword to find the right person to support you. Click here to find out more. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Mindfulness: where to start

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Mindfulness is the practice of bringing awareness to the present moment, or what is actually happening. It can be easier said than done – most of us spend a lot of our time either processing what has happened in the past, or projecting and planning the future. Here are some tips if you’re curious about mindfulness: where to start, how to come back to being mindful if you find yourself caught up in old patterns, and why it can be such a powerful practice.

Why mindfulness?

Mindfulness has been practiced for thousands of years and forms an important part of the Buddhist tradition, where it takes the form of meditation. Other common ways to experience mindfulness include yoga, mindful eating, classes, and online courses and apps. Since the 1970s, it’s been increasingly used within Western medicine as a way to reduce stress, anxiety and depression.

In the UK, mindfulness combined with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is currently recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) for the prevention of relapse in recurrent depression.

Many people have reported that mindfulness has helped reduce stress and anxiety and enabled them to cope better with the demands of their busy lives.

In the words of our Head Coach Annie Stoker, mindfulness is

“A tool to become totally aware in the present moment, feel radically alive and completely open to your own experience. Not only can life become more vivid, enjoyable and interesting, but mindfulness also brings the opportunity for profound healing of unhelpful mental and emotional patterns.”

Mindfulness: Where to start?

If you’re curious about mindfulness, and how it could have an impact on your life, it’s important to remember that mindfulness is most effective when it’s used as a practice: something you do regularly, ideally daily, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time.

If you’re someone who tends to dive into new ideas you might be tempted to sign up for a week-long retreat, or commit to an hour of mindfulness every morning at dawn. Those things can be great, but can be hard to keep up over the long term, which is how you’ll receive the best benefit.

Here are three ways to start introducing mindfulness into your life.

1. Start with a plan

If mindfulness is a practice you’ve been thinking about trying, start by planning how you’re going to incorporate it into your day.

Like exercise, mindfulness isn’t something that will create lasting change overnight, so think about how you could realistically include it in your life.

Are there particular times when you know you’ll be able to create the space to change into a different mindset?

Here are some ideas for how to bring mindfulness into your day:

  • Get up slightly earlier each day and practice mindfulness in the quiet of the morning
  • If you make a regular journey, like a commute or school pickup, commit to spending some time being mindful at the beginning or end
  • Practice mindful eating for a meal, snack or cup of tea each day
  • Give yourself a few moments of mindfulness before you go to bed
  • Instead of listening to music or podcasts, try incorporating mindfulness into your regular exercise routine: walking, running or yoga

2. Be consistent, not perfect

A lot of us have the impression that the “perfect” way to be mindful involves smiling peacefully to yourself as you connect to your inner sense of zen.

Well, sometimes that can be the case – but mindfulness is an invitation to connect to the present moment and really become aware of what you’re experiencing, both in your body and your mind. Which, unless you’re some kind of saint, won’t always be calm and serene! In fact, you might be experiencing anxiety, sadness, anger or frustration.

The point isn’t to “fix” what you’re feeling, but to become aware of it.

So don’t be tempted to skip a session if you’re not in the ‘right’ frame of mind. The purpose of the practice is to become aware of how you are in that moment.

If you’re feeling stressed or worried, give yourself the space to pay attention to exactly how that’s showing up (hunched shoulders? churning tummy?) for the time you’ve allocated to yourself.

It’s the commitment to pausing and paying attention at moments of tension that can be the most powerful way to change our patterns.

3. Notice what changes

When you’ve started a new activity, there are two benefits to noticing how it’s impacting you: it can motivate you to continue, and it can also show you where you might want to change your approach.

If you don’t do it already, journalling first thing in the morning (“morning pages” as taught by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way) is a fantastic tool for tracking your emotions and recording how you’re doing when you make changes in your life.

Notice if after a few weeks or months mindfulness has an impact on how you’re responding to challenges or upsets, or your approach to what’s going on in your life.

Ask yourself if practicing mindfulness has felt challenging at all, and whether it’s time to make any changes.

For example:

  • Could you change the time you’re practicing? Perhaps you’re too tired at night and it would work better for you to get up a bit earlier so you can be mindful before work
  • Could you set up prompts to help you be more consistent? An alarm on your phone, or an app that might support you if you find yourself forgetting or skipping sessions?
  • Could you find support or training? A local class, coach or online group to answer questions and help overcome the feeling of ‘not doing it right’?

When you just don’t have time

If you’re thinking “I’d love to make some time to be mindful – but I barely have five minutes to myself these days” then it might be time to create some time to nourish yourself before things get too much.

BeFruitful is our signature time management program designed by women, for women – and we promise it will help you find an extra 5 hours in your week, at least. Read the full details and book your place on this life-changing training by clicking here.

Not every approach works for every woman. But unless you give it a try, you won’t know if this is a technique that might make all the difference. With the current levels of stress, anxiety and burnout in women it’s vital that we each find the ways that work best for us to maintain our wellbeing and take care of our physical and mental health.

Have you tried mindfulness? How did you get started, and do you have any tips to share with anyone who’s curious about bringing it into their lives? Let us know in the comments below.

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