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Guest post: Being an introvert in an extrovert world

By

Margaret Collins
Latest posts by Margaret Collins (see all)

What does it feel like to be an introvert in an extrovert world?

It was the weekend before Christmas and I was getting ready to visit a neighbour who had invited me and other neighbours for drinks. I knew most of the people who might be at the gathering and would enjoy catching up with their news and stories.

Then my sister (a disabled adult) came home from her day out, tired, under the weather with a cold starting and fell deeply asleep just before we were due to leave for the party. With a degree of sadness – and a larger part of joy – I called my friend and explained that we wouldn’t be able to join her, but “many thanks for the invitation!”

Many introverts will completely understand this feeling.

It’s great to be invited… and even better to not have to attend!

What being an introvert isn’t

Being an introvert doesn’t mean you’re antisocial or don’t like being with people. Many introverts are very sociable, they just prefer smaller, more intimate gatherings rather than larger and potentially noisy parties. Introverts tend to enjoy deeper or more meaningful conversations in preference to making small talk with strangers.

So what does it mean to be an “introvert”?

In truth, there is more than one way to be introverted but the thing that all introverts have in common is that social interactions tend to drain their energy reserves. (Even when they are enjoying themselves in larger groups, it often feels exhausting.)

After a long day at work, an introvert will want to recharge their internal batteries – their preferred system is likely to involve a quiet night in, reading, listening to music, playing videos or games. Their energy is replenished internally, often alone.

In a similar situation a tired extrovert is more likely to come home and exclaim “I’m exhausted, let’s go out and party!”. A typical extrovert charges their batteries by “plugging in” to the energy of the people and events around them.

As you reflect on that last paragraph most people will totally understand both options, some people want quiet time, others want to socialise… yet, the truth is, that people who are quieter within groups or prefer to withdraw from groups and spend time on their own are often judged more harshly in most western cultures.

Is it really an extrovert world?

Unless you are an introvert, it can be easy to miss the extrovert bias. In most workplaces there are by default, shared or open plan offices and workspaces. These spaces are often noisy – and most introverts find this type of environment particularly challenging.

In most workplaces, work is assigned to teams. This style of working does not play to an introvert’s strengths and is often challenging for them. During job interviews and assessment centre exercises our group interactions are scrutinised, our willingness or ability to be an enthusiastic leader, to make our voice heard in a crowd, to be proactive and to persuade or influence others is evaluated and any preference for holding back, for reflection or quiet thought is usually given lower value in the “potential leader” stakes.

And yet introverts have many strengths.

  • They are very comfortable with data analysis, providing constructive critical analysis, planning (they love planning!) and risk assessment.
  • Introverts prefer to listen, reflect and evaluate before they offer a considered opinion. When making decisions a typical introvert may prefer to consider a body of evidence and choose a relatively risk averse option for the way forward. They provide a steady hand on the helm in troubled times.
  • There is an increasing body of evidence that shows that introverted employees, managers and leaders can be highly effective, can develop the members of their teams, deliver on their promises and follow-through on their work commitments.
  • And while it is a common perception that extroverts make better leaders, there really isn’t the evidence to back that hypothesis.

How can we harness the power of introverts?

As managers within organisations there are many small changes that can easily be made that will make a more even playing field for all your workers to give of their best. Here are a few practical ideas:

  1. Give people the information to be discussed at a meeting in advance of the meeting so that people have the opportunity to read and consider that information before open discussion.
  2. Invite people to write their thoughts on sticky notes before a group discussion, adding the notes to a collection on a wall for group consideration before evaluation.
  3. Rather than the typical “free-for-all” discussion, there may be times when taking turns around the table inviting everyone to add their time-limited piece, might allow a reluctant introvert the opportunity to be heard.

And if you’re an introvert in an extrovert world?

Maybe the most important step is to recognise that you are an introvert and understand what this means for demands on your energy reserves. Once you clearly see that social interactions and group meetings drain energy, plan your strategy.

  1. If you know you have a busy day ahead, rest up beforehand, maximise your alone time so you go into the day with your batteries topped up.
  2. Understand that you may need to plan for time alone before or after a meeting – how can you create the space you need? Sometimes a tea or coffee break taken alone or a walk around the building will provide a 10 minute oasis of peace.
  3. Recognise that creating this space may well be meeting a fundamental need for you – it’s not a sign of weakness or something to beat yourself up for. Do understand that it’s often more helpful to take this break before returning to engage fully with the group rather than to struggle on, miserable and withdrawn.
  4. Another important step is for introverts to understand and own their strengths. When we realise that we have an unusual passion for planning, that our ability to spot potential risks is a great asset for the team not shared by all of our colleagues, and our hunger for information makes us natural researchers we begin to see that there’s nothing wrong with being introverted, we are essential to the organisation!
  5. It might not be the highlight of your day but do go to meetings prepared, maybe even determined to make a contribution and get your voice heard. I actively seek to speak within the first ten minutes of the start of a meeting.

Begin to value your strengths and to offer them to your colleagues in ways that show that you understand their value.

At the moment, most organisations do have an extrovert bias so introverts will do well to plan for behavioural flexibility – even a little bit of fake-it-til-you-make-it.

So remember:

  • Plan to regularly replenish your energies
  • Use your strengths in strategy, preparation, analysis and detail orientation
  • Identify the highlights you wish to share in meetings
  • And yes, be brave!

Over to you…

If you’re an introvert, what strategies do you use to thrive and play to your strengths? Share them in the comments below!

About Margaret

Margaret Collins is a One of many in-house coach. She has been coaching for nearly 20 years, and is the author of several books (including “Beyond Impostor Syndrome”). In addition to her One of Many™ training she has experienced many different approaches and tools including cognitive behavioural confidence coaching, neuropsychology, NLP and The Daring Way™/Dare to Lead™ based on the research of Dr Brené Brown.

Founder of CABS Cardiff, Margaret is familiar with the challenge of juggling demanding work roles with caring responsibilities whilst managing and running a business. She loves helping women explore how to create a dynamic and flexible work-life balance that works for them and their needs. Find out more about her work by clicking here.

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3 Lessons for creating success without burnout… from an unlikely role model

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When you’re used to living life in “Superwoman” mode, it can be hard to stop – even when you know it’s time you learned to create success without burnout. And frankly, it’s frustrating!

Logically, we know that rushing through life, running on fumes, barely making time to deal with our basic bodily functions (gone all day without a wee again?) isn’t good for us. It leads to exhaustion, burnout, and the appearance of the parts of us we’d like to pretend don’t exist.

(The bitch who snaps at her partner when they gently ask us why we’ve taken on yet another project. The martyr who agreed to the extra work while feeling put upon and secretly resentful.)

On the other hand, we’re often able to achieve so much when we push ourselves that it can be really challenging to let go of that way of working!

Why do we stay in “Superwoman"?

Let’s start by thinking about those reasons we often find not to step back from Superwoman.

Take a moment to jot down some reasons, big or small, that stop you from moving to a saner pace.

For example:

  • Everyone’s relying on me – I can’t leave them in the lurch
  • People will think I don’t take my work seriously if I block out time for a long lunch
  • Slowing down’s for people who lack ambition and drive
  • The only way to get anywhere in life is through hard work and sacrifice
  • I’ll rest as soon as we’re out of this busy period

These might feel familiar. Or perhaps you have some of your own to add in. What might strike you when you’re looking over your list is that these are actually rooted in quite logical goals.

You want to be effective; you want to help and support those around you; you want to express yourself, make a difference, and achieve your potential.

These are great motivations! But Superwoman mode – pushing yourself, never stopping, and only focusing on maximising your productivity in every second – really isn’t the most effective way to go about reaching those goals.

Which leads me to an unexpected role model for female leaders I recently came across, and the lesson they have for us all about how to achieve success without burnout.

A different style of leadership

Let me describe this leader’s day to you:

They wake at 7:30, enjoying a leisurely few hours to themselves to eat breakfast and read the news. They work from bed until mid-morning, take a walk, and then join family and friends for a multi-course lunch.

In the afternoon they enjoy creative relaxation: painting, reading, listening to music, or perhaps a period of quiet reflection in nature. Around 3pm they return to bed for a long nap. Dinner is another leisurely affair, after which they stay and talk with friends for a few hours.

Then, around midnight, they return to their study when they connect to their “night owl” energy. They might work until 2am – or at busy times 3 or 4 – to write and work.

Now, how does that sound? Be honest – are you finding yourself inwardly judging the person I’m describing?

“She sounds like she doesn’t take her work that seriously” you might be thinking. Or “It’s alright for some – clearly this is a person who’s happy to be a lady of leisure, and doesn’t have much ambition in her life.”

If either of those thoughts have crossed your mind, you might be surprised to know that I’m not talking about a woman at all. In fact, this is the reported daily schedule of none other than Sir Winston Churchill.

Churchill is one of the most well known leaders and statesmen, best known as the prime minister who led Britain during World War Two. He was also a prolific writer. And yet, when we compare his leisurely daily schedule to many of our own, there are some fundamental differences at play.

Let's look at three of the most striking:

1. Rest comes first and foremost

When you might stay up until 2am working, it's understandable that getting enough sleep requires an afternoon nap.

But there are other moments of rest in Churchill's schedule too; like working from bed in the morning, or taking time for reflection and meditation in the afternoon. Rest isn’t something that gets squeezed in after the work is done.

With that long, late session ahead of him he’s evidently confident that devoting his day to leisure and replenishment will pay off. And Churchill’s quoted as sharing this message of prioritising replenishment with others, too:

"We were not made by Nature to work, or even to play, from eight o’clock in the morning till midnight. We throw a strain upon our system which is unfair and improvident." – Winston Churchill

2. Soft play is a priority

Notice that afternoon of reading, painting, or spending time in nature? It’s what we know at One of many as "soft play". Time spent doing things you love to do, not because they’re something you’re paid or rewarded for but simply because they fill your soul.

Many of us really struggle to make time that’s just for us. But Churchill’s a great example of a leader who knew that his “hobbies” helped free his mind and allowed him to access the prolific fluency with which he dictated his books, articles and leadership decisions.

What do you regularly make time for to bring you delight, distraction and enjoyment – just for you?

3. Understand your cycles – and work with them

You might look at that morning in bed, or the restful afternoon, and assume that this is a person who doesn’t get much done. But when we consider that Churchill sometimes worked until 3 or 4 in the morning, it becomes clear that this is someone deeply in tune with their natural rhythms.

You might not be someone who could write thousands of words until the small hours of the morning, especially after a long dinner. But there will be times of the day when you’re naturally in flow, and really able to hit your stride. How confident do you feel to put things on hold when you’re not at your best, so that you’re raring to go when it’s time to get going?

Soft power in action

The quintessential image of Churchill is the “British Bulldog” – a portly, dogged statesman with cigar clamped between his teeth. He's often seen as the epitome of masculinity – the great leader who steered his country to victory in a world war.

And yet these characteristics demonstrate a far more feminine model of leadership. Not female, note. Men can access this “soft power” too, just as women can be guided by a more linear, masculine way of working.

What’s fascinating to note is just how effective, impactful and successful Churchill was able to be with this style of leadership. If you’ve worried that doing things a different way might reduce your impact or curtail your chances of leaving a meaningful legacy, perhaps this might help you think again.

A note on privilege

Winston Churchill was an aristocrat, born into the elite governing class. He enjoyed immense inherited wealth, and lived on a country estate well served by dedicated staff. Although he had 5 children, I doubt that he was the one arranging doctor’s appointments, chasing missing shoes, or soothing chicken pox. And his desire to serve his country was aided by his world class education, stellar network and unshakeable self confidence.

As a white, upper class man it’s important not to overlook the systemic support Churchill enjoyed from birth. But it’s also true that, compared to millions of people in the world, most of us enjoy lives of great privilege too. If you’ve had access to food and clean water; been educated, and have the freedom to earn money and make decisions about your own life, you’re also enjoying great fortune.

How are you choosing to use it?

Soft power – where to start

If you like the thought of doing thing a different way, but aren’t sure where you’d start, why not have a look at Taking Charge?

It’s a free online workshop that will help you discover why Superwoman isn’t working for so many of us, and how you can start to do things differently.

Click here to get access to this virtual training now. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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5 ways you’re sabotaging women (and how to stop)

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The burnout epidemic. A chronic lack of diversity in senior roles. The rise in stress, anxiety and depression. Together, they paint a clear picture. Our current ways of working are failing women. But if we want to be part of turning things around, it’s not enough to point fingers at "The System". Creating meaningful change requires us to look honestly at the part we play – and when we recognise that, we've taken the first step towards changing it. If you want to support women to create results without falling into burnout, read on.

Before we dig into the ways we can unconsciously block women from reaching their full potential, I want to make one thing clear: It’s important that you don’t slip into blame when you consider the ways these patterns might show up.

After all, it’s only in relatively recent history that women were even allowed access to the spheres of education, commerce and politics. So it’s no surprise that much of our culture is built on distinctly "masculine" foundations – assumptions and habits that aren't always a great fit for our strengths. These hidden structures can lead to our biggest challenges – but because we don't tend to see them, we're blind to the way they can show up.

So the way we sabotage other women is the very same way we often sabotage ourselves – without even realising we're doing it. It’s not your fault. Most of us are only applying the things we’ve been taught will lead to “success”.

But it is time we changed that – and today I want to explore 5 ways you might inadvertently be sabotaging the women around you – and how to stop.

#1 Focusing on the outcome, above all else

Goals are important. In life and work, it can often seem that results are what matter – and it’s easy to make them the focus of our energy, whether we're supporting a client or prioritising our own day.

The trouble with taking those outcomes as our only focus is that it tends to lead to a very linear way of thinking. We’re here at point A, and we want to get to our goal in point B.

Best rush as fast and as hard as we can to the finish line... right?

Trouble is, whether or not we reach a specific goal, there will always be more to do. The next target to hit, a new priority, a fresh challenge.

Rather than focusing entirely on the outcome, what might happen if we paid greater attention to to the process? Our day to day habits and activities – how we maintain our energy, build sustainable systems, embed and integrate our learning along the way?

If you lead a team, you might think about the rhythms and structure you have for communicating and supporting one another, or the environment in which your work is taking place. If you work with clients, try asking them to reflect not only on what they’re doing but how they’re doing it.

Reaching our goals at the expense of our health and sanity is a trap many, many of us fall into. What else might be possible if we tried doing things a different way?

#2 Only celebrating "wins"

A side effect of focusing entirely on goals is that we have a tendency to celebrate our achievements, and try to forget the failures.

Of course, it feels good to reach an income target or nail a deadline. But that’s often not where our biggest growth lies. It can be in the mistakes we make or the lessons we learn that the real gold is to be found.

And if we’re only celebrating when we achieve things, it’s a small step from feeling a sense of blame, shame or failure when we miss the mark. Those emotions are understandable. It’s important to make space for your feelings.

More interesting to explore might be: What have I learned from this? What would I do differently next time? What new possibilities have opened up?

How might you support others to embrace the opportunities for learning that “failure” brings?

#3 Demanding more… and more.. and more...

Superwoman is the archetype of our times – she never stops, she achieves everything she sets out to (and more), and she holds herself to the highest standards in everything she does.

When you’re in “Superwomen” mode, it’s astonishing what you can achieve.

Maybe you’ve witnessed a client or colleague dealing with a devastating personal situation, and yet simultaneously pulling off a intensely challenging professional coup. (Maybe you’ve done it yourself).

But when we run on the adrenaline Superwoman requires for long periods, the effect on our physical and mental wellbeing is unavoidable.

Once we’ve put on that cape we tend to get locked into achieving mode: setting the bar ever higher, rising earlier and finishing later, constantly adding things to our plate. If you're a leader or manager, that "push" energy quickly filters down to your team.

But that level of busyness can become an addiction, and a destructive one at that.

If you notice a client or colleague “burning the candle at both ends”, it can be easy to praise all she’s doing. If she’s talented, competent and prolific, it’s tough to suggest she slow down. And if you're working in that mode yourself, you might be modelling the behaviour your team are adopting.

But at some point, that energy needs to be replenished.

How can you help create space for the women who are doing the most? Encourage them to take something off their plate, instead of adding to it? Model a different way of doing things?

#4 Fixing problems

Mate needs a new job? You agree to review her CV, give feedback and make a few introductions. (While you're at it, you may as well create a LinkedIn profile and draft a cover letter).

Issue with a spreadsheet at work? Hell, you’ll stay late and get it sorted. It’s not technically part of your role but you’ve always had a knack for numbers, and it bugs you that it’s taking so long.

By nature, women are often problem solvers. We hate leaving people in the lurch and we thrive on the buzz that comes from swooping to the rescue.

Trouble is, when we’re perpetually fixing problems for everyone from our team to our friends, we can inadvertently find ourselves doing more harm than good. After all, taking a challenge off someone’s plate deprives them of the learning they might have gone through to arrive at a solution themselves.

And when you’re constantly “coming to the rescue”, you’re ensuring that the decisions made around those problems are handled the way you want them to be. It might be one way to do it, but there are probably also other ways to approach them.

A more effective approach might be supporting others to solve problems. You could offer advice, support, or practical action – but let them continue to stay in the driver's seat.

How can you help the women in your world to create their own solutions – even if that means making mistakes or learning lessons along the way?

#5 Taking sole responsibility

Being responsible is a high value for many of us. We take our roles seriously and we value integrity and performance.

But when we insist on taking sole responsibility for the impact we want to have in the world, we’re blocking ourselves from accessing the holistic support our communities can offer.

If things don’t go to plan, it might be tempting to shoulder the accountability. “I messed up. I failed.” might seem as though you’re saving those around you from challenging feelings.

But it also cuts them off from being part of the solution.

How could you shift that story to “What can we do differently?” or “How could we turn this around?”

Creating that sense of shared ownership, and of trusting and valuing the input of those around you, is a very different way of working than we often see modelled.

What new results could you create if you were able to foster a spirit of true collaboration?

Would you like more tools to support women better?

If you’re curious about the tools we’ve developed to allow you to powerfully coach and connect with the women around you, come and join us for Essential Skills for Coaching Women. These live workshops are practical opportunities to gain new skills that will allow you to create extraordinary results with your team, clients or colleagues.

Click here for full details and to book your ticket.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When there’s too much to do, dance!

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)
It’s the end of a tough day. Things are always busy – but right now, it feels as though I’m in the centre of a tornado. The team’s almost doubled in size over the past months; we’re launching new events, fine-tuning (OK, creating…) systems and building projects. And the rest of life doesn’t stop, right? Friends need support, kids need time with mum, partners have their own challenges to work through. My go-to remedy is a simple one. When there’s too much to do, dance.

When there’s too much to do, dance

If you’ve ever been to one of our live events, you know we like to start (and end… and break up the day…) with dance parties. It’s one of our secret weapons when it comes to creating the warm, relaxed, focused atmosphere we’re renowned for. But dancing isn’t something we only do when we’re together.

At the end of that tough day, I love to close the door of the office, turn the music up loud, and let loose. Often with the kids involved as well – they instinctively understand the freedom and joy that comes with letting go to music. And they’re the masters of unselfconsciousness!

If you find it hard to imagine letting go and shaking your thing – or if you’re like me, a devotee of the one-woman dance party – read on. I want to share 5 serious benefits to shaking it out when things get tough.

5 reasons dancing is your secret leadership weapon

1. Dance gets you moving.

Moving your body, even slowly, is good for you. It:

  • Raises your cardiovascular activity
  • Stretches your muscles
  • Gets your blood pumping
  • Makes your parasympathetic system work to balance you

… and generally gets your energy flowing again.

On days you “don’t have time for” exercise, if it involved travelling to a class or getting changed to go for a run, dancing can give you the boost of a mini-workout in just a few minutes. And it makes a difference! Moving your body gets oxygen flowing to your brain and has a powerful impact on your performance, even if your job’s a sedentary one.

In a 2018 study, researchers found that dancing is a way to promote the connectivity between the brain’s two hemispheres. They concluded that long-term dance practice positively affects brain activity, and is linked to our “neuroplasticity” – our capacity to adapt and change by forming new neural connections. Pretty useful if your role’s a demanding one, no?

2. Dance shifts your emotional state.

At One of many we work with the Women’s PowerTypes; 5 distinct archetypes that help us access different kinds of female power. When it feels as though there’s too much to do, these become even more important.

At busy times it’s essential to be able to change the way you’re leading, to allow yourself to be most effective in the new context.

So if you need to shift out of decision-making “work mode” to connect with your partner; or you’ve been flat out getting things done and now need to show up for a really sensitive meeting with a staff member; or you’ve come out of a fast-paced creative brainstorm and need to look in close detail at a budget spreadsheet… how do you change your state?

There are lots of ways to tap into the different PowerTypes, but the fastest and most effective one I know is to have a quick dance.

Even in the office, it’s possible if you get creative. Plug in your headphones, find an empty meeting room, and dance it out. This really works at the end of the day, if you’ve been handling a lot. Give it a try next time you’ve not stopped since breakfast. 

And if you need some inspiration about working this practice into your day, come into the BeOne group where you’ll find a friendly community with great suggestions on integrating this tool into your life.

3. Dancing isn’t an achievement

OK, sometimes stepping away from the screen for 5 minutes feels like an achievement. (While you’re at it, Superwoman, have a glass of water and pop to the loo. Your body will thank you…)

But “dance really badly to an embarrassingly bad pop tune” probably isn’t on your list of quarterly priorities, your daily to-do list, or your life goals. It’s play, pure and simple — something you’re doing just for the joy of it. Because it feels good.

Sticking on a song and throwing some shapes isn’t something that will result in any income, kudos or approval from others. It’s not productive, there’s no value tied to it. And that’s why it’s important. It reminds us of our gift to the world simply by being – of the value of experiencing our lives.

The same goes for any creative activity. We can use it as a way to practice letting go of our competent, high achieving, successful selves and unlock that creative side. In the words of Glennon Doyle,

“If you feel something calling you to dance or write or paint or sing, please refuse to worry about whether you’re good enough. Just do it. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: yourself.”

4. Dance gets you out of your head

When we put on music and move our bodies at the same time, we gain distinct benefits that add up to more than the sum of both activities. John Krakauer, a neuroscientist at Columbia University, suggested why that might be:

“Maybe synchronizing music, which many studies have shown is pleasing to both the ear and brain, and movement—in essence, dance—may constitute a pleasure double play.

Music is known to stimulate pleasure and reward areas like the orbitofrontal cortex, located directly behind one’s eyes, as well as a midbrain region called the ventral striatum. In particular, the amount of activation in these areas matches up with how much we enjoy the tunes. In addition, music activates the cerebellum, at the base of the brain, which is involved in the coordination and timing of movement.”

In other words, when we “lose ourselves” in music we’re allowing different areas of our brain to take over, giving our thinking, strategizing, and let’s face it worrying brain a break. It’s one reason I think just a few minutes of dancing can feel like such a powerful break from routine – and really “reset” you for the next mountain you’ve got to tackle. If you have too much to do, giving your brain a chance to rest is a powerful way to find the extra energy you need.

5. It sets a powerful example.

As leaders, we don’t just need to be driving forward, creating results. If you’ve ever faced burnout personally, or led a team who were at the point of exhaustion, you’ll know how unsustainable the “keep going at all costs” philosophy is.

When things get busy, I’ve been known to start a virtual team meeting with some desk dancing. It lightens the mood, gets us connected and replaces those purposeful frowns with bright smiles. It keeps my mood up and replenishes my energy, ready to handle whatever throws at me. And it reminds us all that we exist beyond our targets and priorities, and can support and connect with each other beyond our usual communication.

How about you?

Do you love to dance, or does the thought make you squirm a little? Do you have any other practices that have similar effects, or ways to quickly shift your mood? I’d love to know – share your experience with others in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Can you be independent and still have a fulfilling relationship?

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Can you be independent, strong – and have a deeply fulfilling relationship? Whether you have a partner or not right now, take a moment to consider your instinctive response to that question. It can reveal an awful lot, not only about our intimate connections but our experience in other areas of life too.

Often, when we have a sense that something’s not quite right in our relationships, we find this deep-rooted belief underlying our disconnection. It's as though at some point, we decided we had to make a choice.

Either be disempowered and meet a lovely partner, or be a single, successful, empowered woman.

It looks crazy, doesn’t it, when you put it in black and white? And yet it’s a surprisingly common and powerful block for so many of us when it comes to bringing more love into our lives.

Today I want to explore where this belief comes from, how it can impact you – and how to use that insight to transform your relationships. But first, a quick note on how this can transform even seemingly unrelated areas of your life.

Using your relationship as a lens

As with so much of our “stuff” around relationships, we can use our intimate relationships as a lens through which to open up all sorts of insight.

For many, maybe even most of us, intimate relationships are the hardest connections for us to cultivate. As we explore how to thrive in them, we can apply the lessons we learn to every type of relationship.

  • Family
  • Work
  • Connections
  • Acquaintances.

If you can sharpen the way that you’re able to communicate, give, receive and thrive in your closest relationships – the ones which often push most of our buttons – frankly, everything else becomes pretty easy.

So, even if your priority right now is a connection elsewhere in your life, try reflecting on how this belief could be impacting your situation. You might be surprised at what’s revealed.

Strength, success and the role of the feminine

So where do we get this idea that we can’t “have it all” when it comes to fulfilling relationships and independence?

If you can relate to this underlying belief, it’s not surprising. There are 3 powerful factors which can come into play when we evolve assumptions like this. Do any of them apply to you?

1. Our cultural paradigm

Many cultures treat success, no matter your gender, as a concept requiring more "masculine" values. There’s an intriguing piece of research called the Hofstede model of national culture, which categorises countries as displaying masculine or feminine traits.

The UK, the United States, Australia, Germany, New Zealand, Switzerland, Italy and China all rank highly when it comes to valuing “masculine” values – things like heroism, assertiveness, and material rewards for success. More feminine ones – collaboration, consensus, care – are given lower status.

So, when we achieve highly, it's often by cultivating our strength, independence and achievement around these “masculine” areas... whilst repressing the aspects of ourselves considered to be “weaker”.

In our relationships, by contrast, adopting a competitive, individualistic approach can block us from being able to access true connection.

Regardless of our biology, we need to be able to draw on both masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves to create the conditions for deep intimacy and love.

  • Think about areas of life you’ve achieved success in: perhaps your career, business or leadership.
  • To what extent has this been based on cultivating so-called “masculine” traits?
  • How do these traits show up in your intimate relationships, and what impact do they have?

2. Messaging around relationships

A second factor in our understanding of relationships come from the models we’re given of what relationships look like. Think about the myth of “two halves make a whole”, or that whole “I give my whole self to you” thing.

Whether it’s in movies, commercials, or pop songs, the idea of love as being an all-encompassing experience that swallows the identity of those involved is a very common one.

In archetypal terms, the “fairytale romance” draws heavily on the idea of the Princess. The Princess is subservient. Innocent. She needs rescuing, and rarely has the independence to make her own choices.

But the Princess isn’t one of the 5 Women’s PowerTypes we use as our models for female power. Instead, we talk about the Queen, alongside Lover, Warrioress, Mother and Sorceress. These role models offer us valuable alternatives when it comes to thinking about how we might show up in our relationships, without losing our innate female strength.

What ideas of love and intimacy were you “sold” as you were growing up? When you think of a fulfilling relationship, what cultural images spring to mind – films, books, songs? Looking at them objectively, how healthy are those partnerships, and would you really want to be in them?

3. Our relationship models

In any discussion of relationships, it’s really important to recognise the role your upbringing plays. We all grow up surrounded by relationships that we absorb unconsciously as our “model” of how things are.

Maybe your parents had an unequal partnership, where one made all the big decisions. You probably know these couples in life now, right? She's the Bitch and he's the Victim, or he's the Bully and she's the Victim. They wouldn't know who to be outside of those roles.

That's what happens where one disempowering archetype meets another disempowering archetype.

So how do we begin to unravel this conditioning, and develop a new way of thinking about relationships?

Soft power and relationships

Soft power is at the heart of our methodology at One of many, and it's key to discovering a very different approach to your relationships.

By “soft” we mean agreeable, calm, gentle and yielding.

And I know that you might be reading this thinking, “I don't want to be yielding to anybody!”

But creating fulfilling relationships, just as creating a fulfilling career or becoming a powerful leader, has to involve yielding on some level. Not to another person, but to life.

To the flow of what’s happening.

It’s learning to approach challenges with gentleness; to go with your natural flow and rhythm, instead of against it.

And “power” is, from its root in middle English, simply “to be able”. It’s not having power over someone else.

In this context of relationships, power is about your capacity to love. Your ability to be in a space or connection with others, no matter what, and collaboration.

Soft power isn't weak, co-dependent, or submissive. It's a place of strength and power that comes when you let go of pushing and forcing and trying to compete, and learn instead to flow through life in a gentle and subtle way.

What makes a real relationship work is one whole person taking responsibility for themselves. One whole person coming and being in relationship with one whole other person. Together, they create a third entity: the whole relationship.

Breaking the cycle comes when you step into your soft power and begin to create a new paradigm.

Find your fulfilling connection

If you’re ready to discover some practical ways to shift things in your relationships and discover the power of true connection, join me for Love and Intimacy. It’s a free online workshop happening live on Saturday 26th October at 9am London time.

Click here to get all the details and book your free spot.

I’d love it if you could gather with us live, but if you can’t make it at that time do register anyway and we’ll make sure to send you the recording.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to create change without burning out

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When it comes to creating change, collaboration is Queen. Try to do everything yourself and you’ll burnout faster than you can say “who needs weekends off anyway?” And yet, when working with others has been a painful experience in the past, it’s understandable that it can be tempting to avoid conflict and shoulder the load yourself. Today I want to share how to create change using the power of effective collaboration.

Use these 5 key points, and working together will create change far beyond anything you could achieve with that Superwoman cape on. Guaranteed.

5 Steps to effective collaboration

1. Establish trust

There are two aspects of trust to consider when working with others.

Firstly, what we call the “energetic” aspect of trust. If you're considering whether or not to collaborate with someone, try checking in with yourself about whether you feel instinctively you can trust them. For example, you might ask:

  • Do they feel like someone you’re able to open up with and share your vision with?
  • Does this feel like the right connection?
  • Do they really care about what you're doing?

In a situation where you don’t have a choice about who’s in the group, such as in your team at work, this aspect is worth taking time to cultivate.

As a leader, how can you encourage an environment of healthy communication, and make sure everyone is able to trust each other?

The most effective results will always come from collaboration that's built on genuine trust.

Secondly, there’s the trust that comes from knowing someone’s able to deliver – their competence or skill set. Without this, no matter how much you feel a sense of trust, collaboration can't be effective.

When you're looking to build a team, whether it be for a project, in your business or elsewhere, the energetic piece matters. But it's also important to ask, can this person do what they say they can do?

How we establish that can be by reputation. If you want to make a real difference, gathering and presenting the evidence that allows others to trust you is a really important skill to have. (It’s something we cover in a lot more detail on our BeFulfilled retreat – working out what your skills are, and how you can present them in a way that really builds trust with employers, clients and colleagues.)

Another great way to establish trust is by making a series of small agreements.

Let me give you an example: I've got an awesome nanny, who’s absolutely brilliant. But the first time I met her, was I going to leave my children with her overnight for a weekend? No way. Absolutely no way. Was I going to just watch her play with my children? Yes. Let me see that you can play with my children, and gradually I'll leave them with you for a day.

The same goes for any kind of collaboration. Some of the problems we face as open-hearted woman, is we tend to go straight for a huge agreement – and then someone lets us down. And we think they're untrustworthy. We can avoid that pitfall by trusting them to make small agreements first, so that we can gradually ease into a bigger relationship.

2. Ensure contribution

Once you have a basic level of trust, in both the energy each person’s bringing and their competency in what they’re doing, it’s time to make sure everyone’s able to contribute. Allowing each person to have their say, and actually listening to what they have to contribute.

An important part of this is recognizing that some people are more extroverted, and some people are more introverted. So it's not just listening when someone does speak up, it's noticing when someone isn't speaking up.

“There's gold in the quiet ones” is something I’ve heard said, and it’s true!

So if someone doesn’t seem to be offering much, take a second to check in with them and make sure you don’t miss out on an important contribution.

3. Track progress, and agree on process

Needless to say, creating change requires action. Some kind of momentum. Having an agreed focus or intention is really important, as is introducing accountability.

As a group, think about what tools you can use to keep track of your progress and adjust your course when you need to. Talk about what you'll do if there's a disagreement, or if someone makes a mistake, before that situation arises.

It’s really important to agree on your process right from the start.

That includes how you’re going to remain flexible for the realities that tend to pop up when bringing a vision to life. Not just pushing blindly on to meet a goal, but also taking shared responsibility for how you’re getting there.

  • Do you have regular times to check in with each other, and a structure for how that will work?
  • Do you have a system for recording what’s being done, and changing your focus if you need to?
  • Are different people responsible for different aspects, and do they have the capacity to manage them?

Keeping focus is vital, but it's not the only thing to bear in mind. Which leads me onto my next point...

4. Allow space

So much of collaboration, as you’ve probably already gathered, comes down to balance. And one of the most important aspects to balance is maintaining your focus on progress, whilst making the space to allow whatever else needs to arise.

If you’ve ever been involved with a team on a high pressure project, you’ll probably remember times when something that seemed way off-topic has sparked a huge insight into where you’re at, or where you’re heading.

Sometimes it's in moments of someone cracking a joke, that you discover this person’s really afraid right now – and it turns out, they're not the only one having a crisis of confidence.

Or it's when someone feels like they are allowed to speak up and get it wrong, that an offhand comment triggers something else that gets you where you need to go.

Of course there are time perspectives. There's focus and intention. But if we plow through without the ability to let the human be there in our collaborating, we can miss so much. We don't get to read those really important signals – how is the team coping with this situation? What are we missing? What did we not take into account at the planning stage that is asking us to take a look at now?

5. Create consensus

If you’ve ever worked in a committee-heavy environment you might be groaning when you see that word. But bear with me. When it’s approached thoughtfully, consensus can be a truly beautiful process.

Consensus isn’t the same as just going with the majority vote. If someone just gets outvoted and they're seething about it, and they think that they're actually really right about something– if there's dissension – we can't achieve true collaboration.

But, where we can get to, perhaps, is that most people think this is right... and one person's not sure, or thinks no, but they're okay to go with it.

In this model, where we’re coming from a place of deep trust and respect, we don't have enemies but we have adversaries. We can still disagree, but we can be allowed.

This is important. Because otherwise it doesn't feel good, and a hallmark of true collaboration is that it usually feels great – even when it leads you down a different path to the one you would have taken on your own.

Want to learn to lead effectively?

Our leadership programs and retreats are designed to help you ditch the "go it alone" mentality and balance powerful connection with rock solid boundaries, so you can make a real impact.

To find out more about BeFulfilled, Lead the Change or any of our other trainings or events, click here to book a call with the team.

How about you?

What's your experience of collaborating? Have you been blown away by the power of a dream team, or hit hurdles that still make you shudder? Share your experiences, good and bad – and any tips you've picked up along the way – below!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to talk about money

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)
Are you comfortable talking about finances with the people in your life? Or would you rather share sex tips in a team meeting than another blow-up with your partner about long term savings plans? If you’re not sure how to talk about money in a way that feels constructive, empowering and productive, read on. I’m really passionate about this topic, and I want to share my best tips on how to talk about money without it feeling weird.

(Got your own suggestions? Make sure to leave a comment at the end – let’s open this up and share what we’ve learned!)

Before we dive in, let’s take a minute to think about why money conversations can feel so awkward. The short answer is – we often have very little experience of money being talked about in a healthy, matter of fact way.

Why you need to know how to talk about money

Many of us don’t learn about money until we start earning our own. And more often than not, that “education” comes in the form of an invitation from a “friendly” bank to sign up for a credit card. Before we know it, we’re stuck in debt or feel like we’re too old to go back to the basics.

(You’d be surprised how many “super successful” women come along to our events and confess they’ve not got the first clue when it comes to managing their money!)

Here at One of many, we have two motives for wanting to empower women when it comes to money. Firstly, we want you to feel in control of what’s happening in your life. If finances are something you feel confused, frightened or overwhelmed about, you’re never going to have the impact you’re here to.

Secondly, our mission is to change the world. We know that when women are confident to make decisions about budgets, they make excellent decisions. Global research from the World Economic Forum shows women tend to spend more on education, health and nutrition among other positive impacts.  So helping you get your confidence won’t just turn things around for you and your family. It will ultimately help us change the world.

An even bigger motivation to move past the awkwardness and start talking about money, right?

So, here are 4 ways to start embracing money conversations and taking back control of your finances:

#1 Take the emotion out of money

When you’re feeling riled up or triggered, it’s really hard to have a straightforward conversation about any topic. When we run our trainings and retreats around finances, most of the women in the room aren’t there because of how much (or how little) money they have in their bank accounts.

They’re there because of how those numbers make them feel.

If your finances are connected to your self worth or your sense of fulfilment, it’s only natural that having a discussion about joint bank accounts can quickly feel like criticism.

And if you feel secretly ashamed of your financial situation, of course you’ll struggle to talk openly about making responsible choices with your kids.

Take some time to reflect on your own relationship with money.

And if you feel like you could do with some extra help, book a call with the office to find out more about our trainings and retreats by clicking here.

Our programmes are designed with women like you in mind. From online training you can work through in your own time to weekend retreats with our extraordinary coaching team, we might well have just the expert support you need to let go of your baggage.

#2 Get clear about your values

Everyone’s finances look different. We all have slightly different priorities, and there’s no right or wrong way to decide what they are.

Some people really value being able to enjoy small daily pleasures… others delight in giving up their latte habit and seeing the savings add up to a big-ticket spend.

You might be someone who really values careful investing for the long term… or be proud of the percentage of your income you donate to the causes that matter to you.

One of the biggest challenges we can face in money conversations is “justifying” our decisions. That’s because a lot of the time we’re making choices that aren’t really related to our values in a clear way; they’re just what we vaguely feel we “should” do, or are habits we’ve picked up unconsciously.

Getting clear on your values might change the decisions you make about your finances, or you might discover that your current set up aligns perfectly with what matters. Either way, you’ll feel a whole lot more confident when your priorities are top of mind, and you know your finances reflect that.

Money conversations are easier when you know what’s most important to you, and you’re clear on how your saving, spending and investing supports those values.

#3 Be careful of your language

Personally, I’ve become really conscious of the language I use about money since becoming a parent. It started when James was just a tiny toddler, starting to get interested in shiny coins. “Ooooh!” I’d say, looking at his little handful of clutched change. “Look at all those coins! Clever you, you’re so rich!”.

Unthinking comments like that started me thinking about what messages I was conveying when I modelled finances for my child. Did I really want him to associate wealth with praise and approval?

But the same applies if you’re talking to your friend, boss or partner.

Do you describe yourself as “lucky” to have a salary – even though it’s way lower than your male colleagues?

Do you tell your friends “I’m just hopeless with numbers”, instead of sharing how frustrated you feel that your partner makes the long-term financial decisions?

And how often do the words “I can’t afford it” come out of your mouth, when the truth is “It’s not a priority for me right now” would be more accurate?

Language matters. Pay attention to the stories you’re telling yourself, and see what might shift in your conversations if you changed the words you use.

#4 Talk about it

The best way to talk about money is to… well… talk about it!

Honestly, I think this is the trick so many of us are missing. We find it hard to talk about money, and so we don’t – but that only makes the next conversation more difficult.

Like any taboo subject, it takes a while to feel comfortable talking about something that’s not part of your usual repertoire.

Maybe you feel a bit awkward.

Maybe you don’t know the answers to the questions your kids have.

Maybe your friend’s offended at a question about her pension arrangements, or a well-meaning “check in” with your partner blows up into a row.

It happens. None of us are perfect, and none of us have all the answers.

But the best thing to do in situations where money talk feels hard, is take a deep breath. Acknowledge that this is new ground and that you’re trying out a new approach of being more open – laugh about it, if you can!

But keep talking.

Talk to your kids, talk to your friends’ kids, talk to your colleagues.

Let’s create a world where talking about our finances, including our mistakes and our questions and our desires, is as routine as talking about anything else.

It’s time to take the weirdness out of money! Because I think we might actually change the world if we did.

How about you

How do you feel when it comes to talking about money? Are there particular people you struggle to stay objective around, or ways you’ve found to make the conversation easier? Share your tips in the comments!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What a toddler can teach you about how to manage anger

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)
If you’ve spent any time with a strong-willed young lady lately, you’ll know how utterly uninhibited toddlers can be when it comes to managing anger. My two year old daughter has no qualms when it comes to letting me know EXACTLY what she wants – and doesn’t want! – right now, with no holds barred. How many of us can say the same? Today it’s got me thinking about what a toddler can teach us about how to manage anger.

It’s rare that we see a grown woman really let rip, and in this video I’m unpacking some of the reasons behind that.

As well as sharing my own experience observing my little girl’s emerging leadership, I’m exploring:

  • Why our cultural conditioning plays such a big part in how we learn to express our emotions.
  • The unhelpful archetype you might find yourself slipping into – and why.
  • A graceful way to strongly express your needs and desires, whilst maintaining good relationships with those around you.

Why little girls never seem to listen

 

As leaders, we need to know how to manage anger – without losing our passion

Historically speaking, many of our global societies are only relatively recently emerging from a time when women had no voice at all. So speaking up, commanding respect and expressing our views is a challenge almost every female leader will have to navigate at some point.

I’d love to know your thoughts – have you ever found yourself repressing your emotions, only to have them burst out at a far less appropriate time? Have you noticed women in your workplace being treated differently from men when they spoke passionately about a subject?

Let us know in the comments below. This is such an important discussion, and I’d love to hear your voice in it.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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One of many Voices: Valerie Schlegel Stettler

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)
As a former stockbroker and self described “modern witch”, Valerie Schlegel Stettler is a living example of the many different facets women leaders can embody. Today, the One of many Certified Trainer and in-house coach shares her journey to authentic leadership on her own terms, as well giving us a peek into her daily routine…

What do you do?

I’m a leadership coach, facilitator and holistic mentor for women. My focus is helping women take their place in the world for the benefit of all genders. I work with clients on topics like financial knowledge, confidence, inner posture, intuition and joy.

I’ve always been very intuitive and highly sensitive – what I call my “Cassandra Syndrome“. A capacity for “seeing and sensing“ things that I now understand has helped me just as much as it has scared the hell out of me when I was very young! I often had a sense of what was right and (mostly) used it to make my decisions, but struggled to explain it in a logical way.

It felt like a part of me needed to be constantly hidden away, that it was not the “right” way to do it and that I could not be “all of me“.

In my current life, I am delighted to be able to use this talent and to help my clients connect to their feminine intuition and strengths to embrace all of what/who they are and to powerfully and happily BE in the world.

I’m honored to be a One of many Trainer and in-house Coach. Currently based in Germany, I interact in three languages (English, German and French) and I am looking to grow a local One of many community there.

Give us the big “why” you do what you do?

I was born in a feminist family and was told that I could do anything I wanted to… and so I did!

Before I was 35, I was a managing director at a leading investment bank responsible for a global trading and sales business.

I was working crazy hours and eventually nearly burned out. During this time, I had difficulties conceiving which is not so surprising when you experience that amount of stress and I eventually resigned and left the industry.

I was rewarded with two beautiful children AND this still left a bittersweet taste, as I would have liked to truly have the choice. It also left long-lasting “impressions” on me, at soul and body level. Even after becoming a coach, I would not intervene in financial services, “fearing” what I was projecting as a destructive energy there.

It took release work to lose that fear, and to see the advantages that I was bringing when I allowed myself to facilitate in these environments that I know so well.

This is why I accompany women and also pass on the message to men and companies that it is important to allow for a change in the way women do what they do.

It’s also why I was so happy when I discovered One of many. One of many has created such useful tools along with an amazing community of like-minded women. Through the training and deep work, I am living my life at a higher intensity without needing to make up some drama to feel alive. Today, I am truly playing with many keys on the piano and it is fun, powerful, full of love and sustainable!

What’s your daily routine?

Each day is a bit different depending on whether I’m facilitating at a company, speaking, delivering a workshop or coaching virtually from home.

My children are almost grown up now, so the morning routine has become pretty simple. On my part, I get up and do my morning pages. This is part of my daily routine and I miss it if I skip it for a couple of days. I observe my brain getting too full and I become unsettled.

I then take my dog for a long walk, shower, and make a point of being at my desk (I work from home) by 9:00 am. I take a break at lunchtime to eat and nap and often go for a shorter walk before getting back to work. I coach 2-3 times a week in the evenings as this is my clients’ preferred time – so I make sure to have replenishing time during the day.

What demands do you balance every day in conjunction with your work?

My main “balancing act” is with myself! As I work from home, I have to be very conscious to separate working hours from family hours. I have to develop all sorts of strategies to preserve my working energy mode. It starts when I go to the bathroom and the cat comes purring because he would love a cuddle or some food 🙂 I am now planning on renting an office space, just to increase my concentration and productivity.

How do you juggle all the demands on you?

I have a husband who is absolutely pro-woman, and we share all life admin chores. That was an essential quality for me in a partner, so I probably scared away those who would have wanted it a different way 😀

What I’ve found to be rare unfortunately, but so important, is that beyond loving me, he has always been very supportive and proud of my professional accomplishments. It is probably our secret: we truly admire each other’s successes as much as we support each other when the going gets tough.

How do femininity and Soft Power feature in your business/career?

In my corporate time, I forbid myself to show my feminine side because I wanted to be taken seriously for my work and not for my boobs. That was as exhausting as reductive.

Now, the more I practice being in the PowerType energies the more I feel femininely strong and beautiful.

It gives me a lot of confidence, in a cheeky way and this is important at all ages of course but going now through menopause, becoming a crone, it helps me own it.

I decided to let my hair grow grey naturally a couple of months ago, and not cut it short. It is going to take about three years until the color is grown out. I’m embracing that period as a time of metamorphosis. Just as puberty, you don’t fall into it within weeks. It is a long process and if you let it, a beautiful one.

For me, it is more than just appearance, it is taking a stand to encourage others. A twinkle of the eye: “I see you sister!”.

Do you think people around you (on social media, and face to face) understand who you authentically are?

I love encouraging my clients to see and embrace “all of them“. You are much more than just a mum, or just a lawyer or a banker, or just a woman loving woman or just… the list goes on. We are so many things and this is what makes us so unique. It actually feels so good to be able to show all of oneself, to love all of oneself, to leverage all of oneself…

That can be hard to do “on paper” such as when writing a website, (as I am at the moment!) or on social media.

On the other hand, I also believe people see a lot more of you than you think. I once experienced a training exercise in which people were asked to describe what they saw in you after just a day and a half spent together (we were strangers before). I was amazed by how accurately they described me and how clearly I could describe them!

And this is why it is good and important to be authentic and to allow oneself to be vulnerable – because people see it anyway 😉 Vulnerability is like a little door to our true self, to our heart, where we are good by essence. When we do open that door to others, we allow them to do the same to us.

Do you exercise your #righttobesoft in your workplace? If so, how?

Yes, all the time. I am in soft power when I coach, interact or speak. I do a lot of embodiment which requires me to be in the energy of the PowerTypes, and I love doing this. My clients get so much out of this exercise.

With time, I am more and more consciously connect with the PowerType I want to be in. A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a person I wanted to get to know “beyond the surface“ because she is responsible for a business that might potentially impact mine. I consciously deeply connected to my Lover energy and within minutes she was relaxing and opening up and that allowed me to better judge whether or not I wanted to be involved.

What’s one “breakthrough” you have had in your life, that shifted the way you saw things – how did it impact those around you?

A big breakthrough for me was to become a coach. It finally gave me the tools to do what I was doing naturally for years already. It showed me that I could work WITH people and not AGAINST them. In investment banking, it feels like it is always “you against the rest of the world” (the benchmark, your fellow traders, the market, the competition,…). AND it allowed me to use that so important part of me, my intuitive sensitive part.

 

Thanks so much, Valerie!

About Valerie

Modern witch | Numbers whisperer | Hippo collector

To find out more about Valerie and connect, click the links below:

Facebook page: Full You With Joy

Website: www.valerieschlegel.com

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Guest post: What anxiety really feels like

By

Abigail Athaide
Abigail Athaide
Abigail has over 20 years experience in relationship marketing having worked with clients within Global FTSE 100 companies, animation, film, nutraceuticals, education, and within her own companies. She currently works within the marketing and strategic arena of her family’s global business developing their interests in publishing, art, property, finance and agriculture.

Her family’s vision has been to create viable legacy businesses which supports culture and community. These are achieved through their umbrella company called “Village Sanctuary” with locations in Goa and Kenya, where they have built a thriving art, culture and heritage centre for residents, artists and the local community. In their first year alone the project welcomed over 1000 children from the local schools to explore the village of artists, workshops, crafts, a live radio station, and food venues.
Abigail Athaide
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Standing on the tube platform at South Kensington, a feeling of overwhelm came over me. I felt hot, light headed, wobbly on my feet, but unable to move – as though my feet were welded to the floor. I could see and hear everybody around me, but they were moving in slow motion. It came from nowhere, and there was nothing I could pinpoint as a trigger. I was in my twenties and it wasn’t until some years later that I identified that moment as a “panic attack”. So this is what anxiety really feels like.

In my forties, it happened again. This time it felt like hitting a wall. I was emotionally spent, going through the emotions of nurturing my son, running my businesses, keeping the house going and dealing with difficult neighbours objecting to a planning application – a saga which had lasted over a decade.

What anxiety really feels like

To the outside world I was ‘functioning,” but it was getting harder and harder. My emotional resilience to silly things was off the scale, and I would quickly lose my temper and my perspective. I didn’t want to socialise, and every time I went out the fear of others talking about me, or bumping into the neighbours or somebody I knew was crippling. I would break out in a cold sweat, feeling as though my knees could collapse from under me.

My sleep pattern was completely erratic and I was medicating my emotions with food, sugar, caffeine and wine and isolating myself.

I realised something had to change – but I had no idea where to start.

So I started by saying “yes!” to something completely out of my comfort zone in my current frame of mind.

The Power of “yes!”

A lady I had met once invited me to the One Woman Conference, as she had a half price ticket. We agreed to meet there, so I arrived to face the first of many fears – walking into a room full of hundreds of women. Oh my goodness – I had no idea what to expect!

I sat quietly at the back hoping I could just be invisible and thinking, well at least this is going to be a family pass for a weekend away in London.

That weekend reignited a healing journey for me. I realised that for too long I had neglected myself. My emotional tank was completely empty and I needed to rediscover what would fill that up for me.

I distilled this into one word: “reconnection”.

I had disconnected from my mind, body and spirit and needed to reinvest in those areas. Just like a bank account my emotional account was overdrawn and I hadn’t discovered a strategy to deposit and save energy.

My journey to reconnection

I discovered one of the most important elements of my recovery from anxiety: food.

Food is a huge passion of mine, but as I began to pay closer attention to my energy and moods I noticed something interesting. When I’m feeling crap and disconnected I gravitate towards bland food, crisps, cheese, “love in a bag” – sugar. It’s as though my taste buds are in “neutral”. I avoid colour – in the way I dress and the way I eat.

At first, I believed that my emotions were affecting my gut. But then I began to question if it might actually be the other way around. What if the emotions were the last link in the chain, and perhaps the “disconnection” started in inflammation in my gut?

The gut/brain connection

According to growing research, the vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the body. It runs all the way from the brainstem to the part of the colon that helps regulate many critical aspects of human physiology, including heart rate, blood pressure, sweating, digestion, and even speaking.

Learning this was an “aha!” moment. So this was the gut/brain connection that I kept reading about. Turns out, there was truth to the saying “gut feeling” – and it’s a physical connection, not a metaphorical one!

I kept reading about gut bacteria that live in your body naturally and help your intestines break down food. One fact I love is that the average lifespan of a bacterium in your microbiome is 20 minutes. That means you have the opportunity every time you eat to begin to change the population of your gut!

I decided it was time to Marie Kondo my gut and control my hormones, particularly cortisol, as my adrenals were exhausted. A blood test revealed that my vitamin D levels were non-existent.

Gradually I came to understand that the food I ingest is a metaphor for life, and how I view life. Think about it for a moment: Are you eating to exist, or eating to truly enrich your life and support your purpose?

I learned that a healthy gut would reduce inflammation in my body as a whole, and replenishing my good bacteria would allow me to process foods better as well as, critically, allowing me to absorb the mineral and nutrients in the food I ate. In turn, that would support my emotional resilience… at least that was the theory.

Testing and experimenting to find what works

I researched and I talked to friends and family and most importantly trusted my intuition – my gut. I took a number of natural supplements for the symptoms I felt needed to be addressed urgently, kept a detailed food and emotional diary… and slowly I found myself a new normal.

My husband is a natural pharmacist, and as I learned more and more about the importance of nutrition we were inspired to begin a new project together: “The Naked Pharmacy”, providing 100% natural remedies and supplements backed by science and expert advice.

The supplement that made the most difference to me was one called “Saffrosun”, made from organic saffron. I literally felt like the sun had been turned on inside me within 7 days and I just felt lighter and calmer, and as though I was able to make better positive decisions overtime. It tackled my overworked cortisol levels taking it in the morning when the cortisol levels were the highest allowed them to adjust to a balance over the day allowing for better restful sleep. The ripple effect of better cortisol for me was I lost weight, felt more energised and my brain fog was eased.

One of my favourite colours is orange so I instinctively loved this spice in cooking, but never realised that there was genuine historic and scientific evidence for its use for emotional balance – and that it contained vitamin D. Even now, 2 years later, it still works for me. I will take it and within an hour feel aware that my breathing is calmer and I feel more balanced.

As a One of many woman, I also connect with the Women’s PowerTypes, relating them to the chakra colours and integrating them as foods and clothes to support how I’m feeling. So if Lover is orange, and we’re struggling with self care, it might be time to eat more salmon, mangoes, and oranges and integrate spices such as turmeric and saffron.

How about you?

If you know what anxiety really feels like for you, and maybe you’re ready to make a real change, I urge you to take stock in a gentle way and discover your internal body and its relationship with food.

Start today and have a good look at yourself and ask “what’s working in me and for me, and what isn’t?”. Gently and with curiosity, park your preconceived ideas and set aside what other people have said, what you have read, what works for so-and-so, and reconnect with yourself.

You are unique. A unique collection of experiences, DNA, emotions, and food history.

As part of your routine you might find it valuable to keep a detailed food journal which doesn’t just monitor your food or drink in-take, but your moods, the weather, moon cycles, when you eat, who do you eat with? It’s the way we live and the way we are that creates our health – not just the food!

Patterns may emerge that can help you understand what supports or triggers an emotional state such as anxiety and how that manifests for you. Perhaps you’ll be able to discover tools that can support you holistically, so issues don’t escalate – and you can leave feelings like stress and anxiety behind.

Meet Abigail

Spice Queen | Recipe inventor | Inappropriate giggler

Abigail Athaide - she shares what anxiety really feels likeAbigail has over 20 years experience in relationship marketing having worked with clients within Global FTSE 100 companies, animation, film, nutraceuticals, education, and within her own companies. She currently works within the marketing and strategic arena of her family’s global business developing their interests in publishing, art, property, finance and agriculture.

Her family’s vision has been to create viable legacy businesses which supports culture and community. These are achieved through their umbrella company called “Village Sanctuary” with locations in Goa and Kenya, where they have built a thriving art, culture and heritage centre for residents, artists and the local community. In their first year alone the project welcomed over 1000 children from the local schools to explore the village of artists, workshops, crafts, a live radio station, and food venues.

Find recipes and read Abigail’s blog at www.reconnection.kitchen.

For a special discount at The Naked Pharmacy as a member of the One of many community, simply go to the website www.thenakedpharmacy.com and use the code OOM20 for 20% off all products – or just call Kevin for advice.