One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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Why is women’s leadership important in our world?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Female leadership matters. All other considerations aside, it results in better performance. Studies have shown that companies with greater gender diversity, not just among the workforce as a whole but specifically among senior leaders, are more profitable. So, the answer to the question “why is women’s leadership important in our world?”, the answer is simple: it gives us better results.

But when it comes to stepping into our power as leaders, it’s clear that we face some pretty big challenges.

Today I want to share some current research into women’s leadership, as well as an angle on it that I think you’ll find incredibly motivating – whether or not you think of yourself as a leader in the traditional sense.

If you’re a woman keen to have your biggest impact, and to discover a take you might not have considered when it comes to changing things, read on.

Why is women’s leadership important in our world?

Let’s start with the basics: women leaders have a measurable impact on the bottom line.

In a 2015 report, McKinsey and co found that “In the UK, greater gender diversity on the senior executive team corresponded to the highest performance uplift in our data set: for every 10% increase in gender diversity, earnings before interest and taxes rose by 3.5%”

And yet, when it comes to representation of women in senior positions, the stats show we still have a long way to go. In 2018, Goldman Sachs undertook a report into gender diversity and – whilst noting the limitations on available data – reported that “Women make up about 40% of all employees – but just 6% of CEOs.”

So why is this – and what can we do about it?

Why do we see fewer women in leadership positions?

Well, it won’t surprise you to know that the answer to this is complicated. As we all know, women are a diverse bunch and the individual decisions and choices we make – or have made for us – about stepping up to more senior roles are as unique as we are.

Still, there are some threads that emerge. One of them is the cultural paradigm – the social context most of us have been raised in, which continues to promote certain gender stereotypes.

At the start of BePowerful, our 12 week online coaching program that connects women to their power, we invite the women taking part to spend some time thinking about what traits they associate with being “female”. It’s always so fascinating to see what gets shared in our virtual forum in response to this question.

If you haven’t done this exercise before, have a quick think now about what you’d list out as “feminine” attributes.

Often, women share that they’ve been surprised to uncover some very negative entrenched views of being called “girly” or “like a woman”. Being told you “throw like a girl” or comments like “typical woman driver” spring to mind.

We’re rightly outraged when we hear these comments being made, and yet however hard we try to resist them, they have an impact.

We internalize a certain set of associations with being a woman compared to being a man, and that has a real impact on our confidence when it comes to stepping into leadership roles.

This phenomenon is something the Goldman Sachs report picked up on.

“Women may be uncomfortable exhibiting more stereotypically “masculine” traits such as ambition and self-promotion in the workplace. They may fear a backlash if their behavior is at odds with prevailing gender stereotypes.

In fact, traits and behavior that are often rewarded in men may be seen as inappropriate, discomforting and perhaps ultimately counter-productive when demonstrated by women.

In colloquial terms, aggressive men may be perceived as being “go-getters,” while similarly aggressive women may be perceived as having “sharp elbows.” Closing the Gender Gap: Advancing Women in Corporate America, Goldman Sachs

The playing field when it comes to male and female leadership then, is clearly not a level one. And the very leadership characteristics that accelerate the advancement of our male colleagues can actually be seen as negative when applied to women.

So what’s the solution?

What can we do about it?

Changing our culture when it comes to the stereotypes we have of each gender would be a great place to start. As a parent, I’m passionate about ensuring the next generation isn’t raised with these outdated ideas of women and men’s roles and characteristics.

But I think this also offers us a real opportunity to change things right now when it comes to modelling what effective leadership looks like. With courage and confidence, it’s time to change not only the diversity among our leadership teams but to create a new form of leadership.

Instead of trying to squeeze ourselves into old-fashioned ways of working, here is an opportunity to radically shift our organizations, and evolve a more balanced, diverse, and ultimately resilient way of leading.

Stephanie S Mead, author of The Art of Strategic Leadership: How Leaders at All Levels Prepare Themselves, Their Teams, and Organizations for the Future, sees this ability to change as being fundamental to successful business.

“If you want to be relevant in the future, you have no choice but to change and evolve…

Leaders have a responsibility to build and support a culture where breaking down ingrained habits and old standards is recognized as an important part of rebuilding and creating a stronger, more successful organization.

They not only see the need for change, they work hard to identify and manage resistance in order to push the needed change forward.” – Stephanie S Mead

When we are given the support we need to become unique leaders, rather than doing things “the way they’ve always been”, we actually strengthen our organizations.

Change starts with you

You might not be in a corporate setting right now – but I believe you are absolutely a leader, whether for your family, your community, in the public or not-for-profit sectors. All of us are role models for the upcoming generations; as citizens each of us has responsibility for changing our corner of the world.

So, I invite you to connect to this inspiration in whatever form your leadership takes. To recognise that while the world we are living in is often unfair, if we connect and support each other we have the power to create an entirely different system.

And if you’re wondering where to start, the seeds of that change can be planted in the simplest possible way: starting with you.

“Whether you are a leader or not, I think you have to pay attention to thought patterns and processes so you start to recognize when resistance is emerging, either in yourself or in others…. You can also coach yourself and others to get out of the routine and try new things that will encourage you and them to work outside your comfort zones and look at the change as an opportunity to grow.” Stephanie Mead

Getting more comfortable with change is something that can start in the smallest possible way.

  • Take a different route on a well-worn commute
  • Speak up when you might stay silent
  • Reach out to someone you don’t know that well, and invite them for a virtual coffee
  • Apply for a role that’s slightly outside your comfort zone
  • Show up in a way that’s more authentically you instead of “fitting in” to the expectations of others

I’m sure you can think of more ideas when it comes to beginning to get more comfortable with the idea of change. Whatever it looks like for you, I would love you to share somewhere you’re overcoming resistance or trying something new in the comments. Together, we can create a ripple of change that goes far beyond our individual impact – and adds up to a wave that could change the world.

Ready to overcome resistance?

If you’re feeling the pull to change and would like to be supported and guided into allowing your authentic self to come through, take a look at our BePowerful program. Click here for the full details and scroll down to book in a no-pressure application call.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Why money is power – and how you can get more of it

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Today I want to talk about money – because our economic power as women is something which I believe we absolutely have to turn around if we are serious about shifting the way the world works. Not just for ourselves but for our kids, for our families, and for the world at large. And there’s a really important aspect to how we manage our finances that is often missing from advice about managing your money, and it starts by understanding why money is power – and how that impacts us.

Money is power

Here’s the interesting thing – as women, it’s been reported that we make 80% of the buying decisions on this planet.

Women are an army of change waiting to be tapped into.

It’s not a nation or an industry or some small group of power brokers that can actually change the world. It’s us.

The quote below comes from an article that’s almost a decade old now, and it reflects the excitement people began to feel around the world when we realized the implications of these statistics.

“Women have become the major drivers of the consumption economy in the United States, says Maddy Dychtwald, author of “Influence: How Women’s Soaring Economic Power Will Transform Our World for the Better.”

She says that women today influence 83% of all dollars spent on consumer purchases, including:
62% of all new cars
92% of vacations
90% of food
55% of consumer electronics
93% of health-care spending
94% of home furnishings

And as women have gained more economic might, they have also wielded this power differently than men, says Dychtwald. In developing countries, it has been documented that women reinvest 90% of their income in their families and communities, compared to men who reinvest only 30% to 40% of their income.”

John Cookson, How Female Economic Power Improves Society, 2010

If we get empowered around money, if we equip and empower ourselves around money and start making decisions which are in line with our values, then we could absolutely transform what the world looks like.

We don’t always realize the power we have

And yet, five years on, a US study by Fidelity Investments revealed that “eight in 10 women have refrained from discussing their finances with those they are close to”. And
just 47% of women said they would be confident discussing money and investing with a financial professional on their own.

There’s a gap, in other words, between our power to create change using our finances and our confidence in our ability to do that.

A second study by Fidelity, in 2016, analysed over 8 million investment clients and revealed that “women actually tend to outperform men when it comes to generating a return on their investments.” And yet the same report found that “when asked who they believed made the better investor this past year, a mere nine percent of women thought they would outperform men.”

The missing piece

This data is fascinating to me, because it points to something that’s long been a cornerstone of our financial training at One of many – and that’s the awareness we bring to our relationship with money.

Not how much we have, or what we plan to do with it, but the relationship itself.

Whether you feel fearful, or embarrassed, or confident, or in control…

You see, if we control the majority of the spending power, and tend to make better long-term investment decisions than men, the biggest problem we’re facing isn’t our ability to use our money. It’s having the confidence to take the reins and make those decisions in the first place.

Why we lack confidence around money

What I think we’re seeing at the moment is that over the last 100 years or so, where women have started to become empowered in the public sphere, we’re starting to see women who are showing a way of getting confidence in work.

We’ve fought our way through that glass ceiling and showed up, and we’re starting to be more confident there, we’re performing. Yes, there’s still a long way to go, but we’re doing great.

However, our money confidence is lagging behind our progress in other areas – like education, and careers. And this is a problem because if we look at the culture we live in, money is given a unique role.

All of us live in cultures where we are getting messages every day about what’s right, real, true, correct about ourselves, whether we fit in or we don’t fit in.

And for most of us, the cultural message around money – you only have to open a magazine, watch the news, or catch a movie to see this – is that money is the ultimate measure of value in our society.

If someone has more money or makes more money, the underlying assumption that the overwhelming majority of individuals will have about that person is that they are of more value than someone who makes or has less money.

Can you see how that kind of messaging can really dent our ability to feel strong and empowered financially?

How does your money confidence impact you?

Here are some questions to help you begin to explore how this messaging might be impacting you and your relationship to your finances.

Take a quiet twenty minutes to yourself, and do some journaling – write a few sentences for each question.

If you haven’t been in these situations, try closing your eyes and imagining seeing that number on your bank statement. Then connect to how that might make you feel, and write from there.

Do you find yourself equating your self-worth with how much money you’re making?

What happens to your self-confidence when your income goes down?

What happens to your self-confidence when there’s no money in the bank?

What happens to your self-confidence when you get a lot of money in the bank?

One of my clients experienced this last point vividly. Her mother died and left her an overwhelming amount of money. Now she was a great entrepreneur, who had started, run, and sold many great businesses, but she had never actually educated herself around managing her wealth.

And so when her mum died, she suddenly had a big pot of money – but no confidence to deal with it.

She found herself in a tailspin of anxiety. And that’s so normal because if we’re in a culture which rates our self-worth around money, then suddenly having a lot of it that you didn’t earn is a really fast way to dig up all kinds of psychological turmoil.

Equating money with self-worth keeps us from our power

And that’s where I think we are. As women, our money confidence is still being informed by the last few millennia where we have not been involved in commerce at all. That’s a situation which has only very recently changed so it totally makes sense that we don’t have a lot of confidence around our money.

The flip side of this cultural stuff that we’re swimming in, where women have not had opportunity to be involved with money for millennia, is all of the other messaging we get that tells us “women are crap with money”. Think about sitcoms or movies – it’s rare to see a female character who makes truly empowered financial decisions. Far more often, it’s the “ditsy blonde” piled high with shopping bags, right?

What does that do to our self-confidence?

It’s time we took back our power when it comes to money.

And the first step is to become aware of what level your confidence is at around your finances, and how that’s getting in the way of you feeling in control.

The world needs changing. We can change it with our economic power – and where we are giving our power away, then we are not fully stepping up to the calling that’s there for us.

Want more help?

If you’ve got everything else sorted in your life but you’re not looking at money, it’s your blind spot. The leak in the bucket that is your power, and it’s important to take action on this.

If that rings a bell for you right now, click here to drop us a quick line at the office so we can set up a time to chat. The kind of support you’ll need is absolutely personal to you, and our team here are fantastic at helping you work out what that is and signposting you in the right direction.

This is the first step to understanding how money really works, how it interplays with our mind – because unless we can get our mind on board, then we’re stuck.

Grab your power back, not just for you but for the impact you’ll have in the world.

Share your money story

Where are you at in your relationship with money? How is your mindset supporting you, or holding you back? Share your money journey in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest post: What to do when emotions take over

By

Thea Jolly

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many
Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.
Thea Jolly

Latest posts by Thea Jolly (see all)

This article is by Thea Jolly, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and BePowerful Programmes.

Last week, things suddenly spiralled out of control. It happened as I was explaining to my son that he couldn’t play on the xBox because of his behaviour the night before. It can be so hard when emotions take over. You’ve probably experienced it yourself at some point – whether at work, when talking to your partner, or as a parent – can you relate?

I could feel it happening but I wasn’t able to stop it.

My emotions suddenly jumped into crazy ninja warrior mode.

They took over the words that come out of my mouth and added that tone of voice that we all recognise: the I-can’t-take-this-anymore, the-world-is-going-to-end, how-can-you-do-this-to-me, overwhelmed and exasperated mother.

I knew that this mental and emotional hijack usually spells doom for any conversation, but I couldn’t force myself to walk away.

Proceedings went downhill rapidly, and after I stormed off (I know!) all I could think was:

Why can’t I control myself and my emotions?

Why can’t I manage to say the right thing?

What could I have done differently?

What should I have done?

How could I have left my love and compassion locked up inside of me when my son and I needed them the most?

All I could feel was deep despair and disgust at myself for acting so emotionally.

But why?

When emotions take over, why are we so hard on ourselves?

Feeling strong emotions is just a normal human reaction, after all. Sometimes we just lose our sh*t.

And that’s OK.

How we recover from that is the most important thing.

Yes, we can look after ourselves, get enough sleep, set effective boundaries, learn to manage our thoughts and emotions better, all the things we learn to do at One of many, but even so, there will still be occasions when we lose control and let it all out!

I admit, it’s not pretty, but hardly reason for such self-hatred.

Learning to handle emotions, even strong ones, requires us to develop our emotional resilience.

Emotional resilience is not about bad stuff never happening to you.

It also doesn’t mean you never feel bad, make mistakes or lose your temper.

It’s about riding the ups and downs of life with more optimism, equanimity and compassion.

Instead of beating yourself up for being human, here are three ways to increase your emotional resilience.

3 ways to increase your Emotional Resilience

1. Choose to adopt an optimistic explanatory style.

Many of us get into trouble because we tend to react to every thought and emotion as if it were the only truth; that this situation or emotion is going to last forever and that it will affect every single part of our lives. We think in terms of things being very personal, all-pervasive and permanent.

As psychologist Martin Seligman explains, this “explanatory style” is linked to learned helplessness, the very opposite of optimism. Our explanatory style – how we explain our experience – makes a big difference to how we interpret and cope with events, feel about our life, and therefore how resilient and happy we are.

How do you speak to yourself after making a mistake?

“I wasn’t paying enough attention today. It didn’t help that I have so much on at the moment. I can do better tomorrow. It doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person.”

Or do you say something like:

“That was so stupid! I always mess up! I’ll never learn. Everything in my life is going wrong.”

When we get overwhelmed by emotions we can easily fall into a state of helplessness. We react not from a place of power but as a victim, buffeted about in the wind.

So instead of letting your inner critic in with its personal, pervasive and permanent statements of ‘truth’ choose an optimistic style instead.

  • Don’t take things so personally. Instead of blaming yourself for something, acknowledge the part played by other people, your energy levels, luck, or circumstances.
  • Don’t allow one event or mistake to contaminate the rest of your life. Just because you burnt the dinner doesn’t mean you are rubbish at everything in your life.
  • Don’t get fixated with how it is now. Remember few things are permanent. Yes, you failed your driving test, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never pass it in the future.

2. Practice viewing life with equanimity.

The Mirriam-Webster Dictionary gives the following description of equanimity.

“Equanimity” ….. means “with even mind.” English speakers began using “equanimity” early in the 17th century with the now obsolete sense “fairness or justness of judgment”

I like this description because it explains the core of resilience – that to be resilient we need to have an ‘even mind’. Or in other words, we need to treat everything that happens to us and in our life equally, with fairness and good judgement.

After an emotional episode like I had last week do you ever think, only a few hours later: “Wow? What was all that about? It’s wasn’t even that bad.”

Our emotions don’t last forever. And actually, if we let them, they pass quite quickly. When we allow them to, our bodies and minds come back to their equilibrium naturally.

Learning to distance yourself from your emotions – and treat them with an even mind – in the moment is really important.

To help you do this try my Resilience Script:

1. Notice the feeling and label it: “I’m noticing that I’m feeling …. angry/hurt/rejected etc.

2. Accept, validate or soothe yourself (while taking deep breaths to calm your body): “…and that’s OK. I’m human and this is normal”. “I’m just being triggered by something and my Inner Critic trying to protect me.” “It’s OK, this is just an emotion/thought. It will pass”

3. Choose how you want to think and behave instead: “I’m going to walk away and respond when I’m calm’” or “How can I keep myself calm here?” or “Which Powertype would be useful here?” or “How can I be curious here and allow the emotions to pass?”.

But sometimes, as happened in my experience last week, I noticed I was angry and I couldn’t use the resilience script. I often use it and it works well, but last week it didn’t.

So, what do we do then?

3. Stop Judging Yourself

Just because you feel bad doesn’t mean there is anything ‘wrong’.

Last week I felt like my emotions were all wrong. I told myself that I should have done so many things to stop this happening, or to get out of the feelings faster.

But really, my biggest mistake was to judge myself so harshly, which such high expectations of robot-like consistency. Instead, I could have been more even-minded and compassionate to myself.

How I reacted to what happened was neither right or wrong – it was a normal human reaction.

What happened also had no implications for my worth as a person, wife or mother. Emotions are simply feedback.

We have a sign in our kitchen that says: “Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I need it most.”

Applying this to ourselves is really hard, because we live in a culture which punishes people harshly and shames them when they do things ‘wrong’ and make mistakes.

But in reality when we are struggling with our own imperfections and vulnerability, judging ourselves harshly for these human traits is the worst thing we can do. It is like added fuel to an already raging fire.

Instead we need to recognise what is happening and be our own protector. We need to wrap ourselves up and look after ourselves. Then we need to reach out and speak to others. Using words, music, nourishing things, we can reconnect with our equilibrium and our equanimity.

Sometimes this takes longer than others, and that’s OK.

My son said to me later, when we’d apologised and had a cuddle: “Let’s put that all behind us, Mum.” Wise words from a wise soul. We could all take a leaf out of his book.

Thea Jolly is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Thea, click here. Or for a taste of her work, take the free Are You A Perfectionist quiz by clicking here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest post: 6 lessons from taking the leap to do coaching certification

By

Jen Le Marinel

As a One of many Certified Women's Coach and founder of WildFire Walks, Jen combines the transformational power of the incredible One of many tools with the healing power of nature to help her clients feel more empowered to live a life they truly want to live. A life on their terms.

Patient and compassionate with a dash of playful rebel, she gently pushes back against the "should-dos" and "should-bes" so often imposed by our culture, our upbringing, our workplaces. Jen knows what it means to succeed in the corporate world...and what it's like to not want that, actually. She believes, and champions, that there is a different way. Her purpose; to playfully push the boundaries of what's possible in life, and to encourage and inspire other women to do the same.

Latest posts by Jen Le Marinel (see all)

Hi, I’m Jen, an ex-corporate wild soul and One of many Certified Women’s Coach.

If you’d told me three years ago that I’d be living the life I’m living now, I’d have laughed in disbelief. It was the stuff of dreams, the sort of thing that Other People did – people that were far braver, far more daring, far more exciting than me.

My life was mapped out and, on the face of it, idyllic. I was successful, respected and had an extremely promising career ahead of me as an actuary in a prestigious FTSE 100 financial services company. I had a perfect relationship, a beautiful house, went on exotic holidays. I had every reason to be happy.

And yet…I wasn’t.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened, but around three years ago my life suddenly started to crumble around me. Or, perhaps I should say, inside of me.

I did Superwoman well – nobody knew anything was wrong until, suddenly, I couldn’t keep up the pretence any more and I tumbled into burnout, depression and despair.

I went from feeling like I had everything, to feeling utterly stuck, trapped and hopeless.

Lesson one: Rock bottom can be just the beginning

I was signed off work and went through the lowest months of my life. But working with a counsellor and coach helped me to start rebuilding my mental, emotional and physical health while I gradually rediscovered my sense of self.

I hadn’t realised how much I’d lost who I was! I was my job, my relationship, I was a people pleaser… but I wasn’t me.

I felt like such a failure at first.

I had always been a fiercely independent overachiever, and I felt so ashamed, guilty even, about how I was feeling! But admitting how unhappy and unwell I was proved to be the first, brave step towards living the life I actually wanted to live.

Lesson two: Your dreams are waiting for you to pay attention

My coach helped me reawaken a dream I had forgotten I’d ever had – squashed out of me by the “shoulds” and “musts” and “be happy with what you’ve gots” of a corporate career, a long-term relationship and a desire to fit in with those around me.

She reawakened the spark of my dream, and that spark set me free.

I found the courage to leave my relationship, which was life-saving but heartbreaking, and shocking for everyone around me. I’d hidden the problems so well, even from myself!

But when I left I felt the proverbial weight lift from my shoulders, felt the fog clear from my eyes, and I breathed a deep breath of fresh air that gave me strength.

And I looked forward, with a sense of possibility and excitement, for the first time in months.

But it wasn’t all plain sailing. My job was not fulfilling and the long, desk-based days in the office were beginning to feel soul-destroying. Something else had to change.

Lesson three: Change can feel scary (but it’s worth it)

My first move was to reduce to four days a week – at severe risk of career suicide!

Where other up-and-coming young professionals were working extra hours to prove themselves in the office, I used my day off alternately to rest and to volunteer at a local care farm I had been involved with for several years. I absolutely loved it, working outdoors with the students at the farm. But it still wasn’t enough.

My dream – to help others through coaching, therapy and nature – burned ever stronger and I knew I was never going to be fully satisfied spending the vast majority of my life in an office, as respectable, secure and well-paid as it was.

I still didn’t know when or how I’d make the leap though. Whilst I didn’t feel I really fitted into corporate, what else did I know, other than spreadsheets and office politics?

I was very much living the “one-day” dream, until, one morning, something finally snapped. I had found myself literally bored to tears in my windowless cubicle, and I made the decision to either find a new role in the company, or leave. Gratifyingly, I was offered a number of different opportunities in the company, all of which would have appealed at one time. But I just couldn’t get excited about the opportunity to climb further up the career ladder.

Something else called. Something stronger than the draw of approval and recognition. It was time. I was young, free, single, with a house about to be sold. What did I have to lose? So I left. It was time to give myself, and my dream business, a chance.

Lesson four: First, replenish yourself

First, I gifted myself some time out. I took a break and embarked on an adventure of a lifetime, walking solo from Land’s End to John O’Groats for charity. An incredible, life-changing, life-affirming 1400 mile journey taking three and a half months to complete. A journey that was every bit as amazing, challenging and rewarding as you could imagine!

When I returned, I set up my business, WildFire Walks, getting tired, stressed out professionals into nature to rest, reconnect and re-energise. I started planning events, yet I knew I needed something more if I was to help my clients in the way I really wanted.

Lesson five: The right support changes everything

Enter One of many! I had first come across Jo Martin the previous year, at her speaker training event, and had been inspired by her approach. I joined the Be One community and I loved the vision of the organisation. I knew it had some part to play in my life, so when the opportunity to train as a One of many Certified Women’s Coach crossed my path, I jumped at it.

Actually, that’s not quite the whole truth…I jumped at first, excitedly, then I froze, and ran in the opposite direction!

My Inner Critic jumped in the driver’s seat and I very nearly threw away the chance.

Who was I, to think I could do this?

How on earth could I afford to invest so much in myself, when I was out of work, had been ‘galavanting’ across the country, had no ‘real’ coaching experience (needless to say I completely ignored the experience of managing and coaching a team in my corporate world!), and STILL had a mortgage to pay?

But something in me nudged, kept nudging, nudged louder, until I couldn’t ignore it. This was too good to miss. I had to do this. So I jumped in with both feet.

Best. Decision. Ever!

Cue the most unbelievable and profound 18 months of my life. Aside from the obvious – coming out with a certification, new skills and a licence to share the incredible One of many tools with my clients – I’ve made lifelong friends, learned to step into and trust my own power, and rediscovered myself in the process.

The entire journey was transformational, from the foundation training through to the 5-day intensive through to the three month practical.

I discovered a support network like no other, and I’ve remembered how it feels to shine, to dream and to thrive. I’ve learned to celebrate myself and my story.

I learned to embrace my emotions, believe in myself and to help others do the same. I learned to trust my intuition and trust life. I’ve learned to ask for, and accept, help.

Most importantly, I’ve dared to dream, and to actually live those dreams.

Lesson six: Dreams do come true

Last summer, a lifelong dream came true for me. I followed my desire to live more closely with nature and spent four months living off-grid in a yurt in the woods.

It was a deliciously happy experiment into embracing simplicity, nature and back-to-basics whilst still participating in the modern world. I managed to combine my growing coaching business with some consultancy work for my old company – on my terms – and some part time work in an organic farm shop and cafe, whilst living in this gorgeous slice of heaven.

I would wake up to birdsong and the sound of the wind in the trees, watch the sun rise across the field with a steaming mug of tea, curl up in front of my log burner at night and listen to the owls calling. It was magical. I’d seen yurts in my future in my Soft Power Planning, and here I was, just a few months later, actually living that dream.

Through the One of many experience, which I’ve continued by stepping up to Lead the Change, I’ve realised it’s about continually taking steps, however small, in the direction of my ultimate vision – a nature-based retreat centre with yurts, campfires and coaching.

I’m now regularly tuning into my vision, checking in with my intuition, and watching out for and trusting in the opportunities that present themselves. The ability to coach virtually makes me location-independent, meaning I can make the most of these opportunities.

So I live in interesting times. My immediate path has never been less mapped out in my life, and yet I feel more free, more fulfilled, more self-expressed and more aligned with my ultimate vision than ever before. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t scary sometimes though! Leaving the security of a job and starting your own business certainly isn’t a decision to be taken lightly.

But… I’m getting to do what I really want to do whilst continuing my own inner journey exploring truth, freedom and possibility. I’m always learning, always growing, and I’m finding that my own experiences are helping me be a better coach for my clients. I love watching them blossom as they explore what really matters to them, rediscover their own dreams and reconnect with their own vitality. I wouldn’t change any of it for the world!

Curious about sparking your own dream?

If Jen’s story inspires you and you’d like to find out more about becoming a One of many Certified coach, click here to get in touch. We’ll find a time that suits you to have a chat with one of our friendly team, and see if our training’s right for you.

About Jen Le Marinel

The outdoors-loving, dream-whispering coach.

As a One of many Certified Women’s Coach and founder of WildFire Walks, Jen combines the transformational power of the incredible One of many tools with the healing power of nature to help her clients feel more empowered to live a life they truly want to live. A life on their terms.

Patient and compassionate with a dash of playful rebel, she gently pushes back against the “should-dos” and “should-bes” so often imposed by our culture, our upbringing, our workplaces.

Jen knows what it means to succeed in the corporate world…and what it’s like to not want that, actually. She believes, and champions, that there is a different way. Her purpose; to playfully push the boundaries of what’s possible in life, and to encourage and inspire other women to do the same.

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What your underwear drawer reveals about your time management skills

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Marie Kondo, the bestselling clutter-clearer famous for suggesting we rid our homes of any item that doesn’t “spark joy”, has a lot to answer for. It seems that everywhere I look these days someone else is proudly displaying a snap of their clutter-free office, or marvelling at the feel-good factor that comes from folding your knickers.

And I get it. There’s something irresistible about the concept of an environment filled with only the things that bring you joy. In fact, the same principle could well be applied to almost any area of our lives.

(OK, taxes still need to be paid, the laundry still needs to be done and car insurance doesn’t sort itself out… but you get the picture.)

But there’s something else at play when we feel that sense of unstoppable energy, having finally tackled the Kitchen Drawer of Doom.

When I see the difference having a really good tidy up makes – whether of overflowing kitchen surfaces or underwear drawers – it reminds me of an incredibly powerful exercise we share in the BeFruitful course.

It’s a way to revitalise your motivation and kickstart all sorts of projects. It can make you feel more creative, calmer, less overwhelmed and more energised to tackle the things you really want to.

And it all starts with a ten-minute exercise you can do at any time.

Finishing things

Here’s how it works: You set a timer for ten minutes, and in those ten minutes you have one mission: Finish something.

Finish what, Jo?

Anything!

  • Send the email that’s been sitting in Drafts for a week
  • Post the thank you note you haven’t got round to sending
  • Sew the missing button back on the favourite shirt that’s been gathering dust
  • Tell your assistant to cancel the meeting you know you’re not going to make
  • Pair some socks
  • Water your houseplants
  • Fix a date for your next catch up with your bestie

…yes, you guessed it, even fold your knickers.

Whatever floats your boat, my darling!

Because here’s the thing. In my experience – and that of many, many women who’ve used this technique to great effect, finishing things, however small, creates MOMENTUM.

And the energy it creates – the satisfaction, the sense of achievement, the relief of actually crossing something off your list – can propel you forward with the tasks that really DO matter.

So whilst for lots of us an ordered environment can help us feel clearer and more positive, I wonder if part of the magic of tidying up is really about the simple act of completing a task.

What your underwear drawer tells me about your time management skills

Whether you’re more of a “stuff it all in and forget about it” or “meticulously iron and fold every item” woman doesn’t matter. Is your underwear drawer – or your desk, or your kitchen table – in a state of “completion”, or something you’re going to get round to at some point?

What’s important when it comes to effectively managing your time is how much momentum you have when it comes to completing tasks.

Because the more things you have unfinished, the more energy you expend mentally “holding” all of those to-do’s, deciding whether or not to do them, feeling guilty over not doing them, feeling guilty for feeling guilty over such a mundane task… you get the picture.

Productivity guru David Allen refers to these unfinished jobs as “open loops” and they can really sap your executive function over time.

So have a quick think now. Are there a bunch of tasks in your world that could probably be finished off in ten minutes – and that might free up some energy to get you moving on the really big stuff in your life?

I’d love to know. And if you’ve got your own ten-minute procrastination buster to share, let us know in the comments!

From your smalls to the bigger picture

One thing is certain. You’re here to have a bigger impact on the world than crossing things off the endless list, clearing up crap and keeping chaos at bay.

But you’ll never make the difference you’re capable of if you’re flat out and overwhelmed – whether it’s emails, clutter, or family drama that’s draining your time.

Getting into momentum is one piece of the puzzle. The real key to managing your time is changing the way you look at productivity.

If you’d like to find out more about our unique approach, check out our free training. It’s called From Frantic to Fruitful: Time and Energy Secrets of Really Effective Women.

You can register for this free online workshop by clicking here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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A nifty trick for creating healthy habits

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It was seriously cold. Think, minus 28 degrees Celsius. My eyelashes were frozen… my hair was frozen… and there, on the back of a sled, whizzing through the breathtaking Swedish scenery, I learned a really nifty trick when it comes to developing healthy habits.

From a husky, of all things.

Yup, my 2018 trip to Sweden with the Empress collective of female entrepreneurs certainly came with some unexpected results! And I want to share one of them with you today – because it might just make the difference when it comes to any healthy habits you’re planning to create.

What a husky has to teach you about habits

Just in case you’re not au fait with dog-sledding terminology (you mean that’s not one of the many strings to your bow?), here’s how it works.

The sled is made up of a team of dogs. To the untrained eye, it looks like they’re all pelting madly in the direction you want to be heading.

But, as in any effective team, every member plays a different role. There are some that are great for balancing the sled on turns and corners; others who provide the “muscle” that keeps the pace up and the momentum going.

And right at the front, are the “Lead Dogs”. These are the ones that caught my imagination – and I’m going to explain how they relate to you, I promise!

Lead dogs are great at listening to and responding to commands. They’re fearless, and motivated to keep bounding forward even when the going gets tough. In short, they’re the dogs which pull all the others behind them, keeping them on course.

And this is where your habits come in. You see, there are certain needs which I now think of as “lead needs”. They pull everything else behind them.

For me, a really key need is sleep. If I have a good night’s sleep, I’m more likely to meet all my other needs more effectively – drink enough water, do my morning pages, make a healthy breakfast… everything else follows on from there.

Why “lead needs” make a difference

In the words of Sarah Stokey, of Turning Heads Kennel in Alaska,

“Sled dogs with good attitudes see obstacles as challenges to overcome and they thrive in adversity. Great lead dogs do not back down when the going gets tough, rather that is when they shine the most!”

Your “Lead Needs” will operate in exactly the same way. When life gets full and challenges arise, embedding these key habits will help support you in every other area of your life.

So when you’ve figured out your “lead needs”, how do you build habits around them that will really stick?

Habits that stick

In his excellent book The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg calls these kinds of foundational needs “Touchstone habits”. They’re the habits which have a knock-on effect on multiple other areas of your life.

When it comes to getting these behaviours in place, he suggests a 3 step process:

  • Cue
  • Reward
  • Routine

Now in my experience, the “cue” part bears careful thinking about.

Research shows us that if we’ve thought through in really specific detail exactly what we’ll do when it comes to a desired behaviour, we’re much more likely to follow it through.

Thinking through the real-life scenario of what you’ll do as part of your new habit can also help you identify the little tweaks that will allow you to craft a truly effective trigger for what you want to do.

Creating an effective trigger

Let me give you an example. A while back I had a goal to drink more water. I came up with a great cue – every time I took a loo break, I’d have a drink of water. The more hydrated I am, the more I need to go, so it’s a virtuous circle, right?

Only, when I thought through the actual step-by-step of how that would work, I realised that something often stopped me. I didn’t want to go into the kitchen when Rosie, my little girl, was playing – it would disrupt my work time and distract her from her activities too.

So my game-changing action was to leave a jug of water in the hallway, so I didn’t need to go into the kitchen. That made the cue I’d chosen really effective.

Maybe for you you’d love to get to bed earlier.

You think through what needs to happen – and realise that when it doesn’t it’s usually because you’ve been on your phone, scrolling through social media and falling down those “internet rabbit holes” that suck us in.

The solution might be to set an alarm on your phone for an hour before bedtime and at that point, literally switch off the wi-fi router. That’s a powerful trigger for your bedtime routine, with a reward of a lovely herbal tea in your favourite mug, to help you drift off.

So here’s my suggestion if you’d like to implement a new habit:

1. Identify your Lead Need

(It might be a Touchstone like exercise, which research shows has several beneficial effects or something you know makes a huge difference to you personally.)

2. Think through the actions you’ll need to take

Include what blocks or challenges you can head off before they stop you

3. Pick your trigger and set yourself up to succeed

Make sure you choose a lovely reward – it doesn’t need to cost money or be complicated – to celebrate your new habit!

I’d love to know how this works out! Let me know in the comments, and share your healthy habits with others.

Not sure what your lead would be?

If you know you’d love to feel healthier and more energised, but aren’t sure where to begin, you might be interested in joining us for BeVital – a 2-day retreat where you’re guided through an in-depth look at how you can bring more vitality into your life. It’s definitely not a bootcamp, a diet or an exercise regime – more a gentle, supportive transformational process designed to give you back control.

For more info, click here to arrange a call with the team and find out all the details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Why can’t I just relax and enjoy life?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’re reading this, you’re probably lucky enough to have a fridge full of food, a computer and an internet connection, and a level of comfort and luxury that vast numbers of women in the world would long for. And yet, for many of us, being able to actually relax and enjoy life feels like an impossible challenge. (Which we promptly feel more guilty about…).

A famous 2009 study, “the paradox of female unhappiness” showed that women reported their levels of happiness to be declining overall, even as they gained equality and economic power during the 1970s. So if you’re feeling unsure about how to get some joy back into your life, perhaps it’s reassuring to know you’re not alone.

Finding happiness: where to start

If you’re struggling to find any motivation at all, or feel that you’re in need of extra support, it might be time to get some more tailored help. Chat to your doctor or give the office a call if you think you need support beyond the simple tips I’m going to share now.

But if you’re just feeling a little flat, and would love to get your “mojo” for life back, these 5 questions can make a real difference.

After all, finding out what makes you happy and discovering ways to bring more joy into your life wasn’t on the curriculum for most of us at school. And the archetype of “Superwoman” – the mode so many of us find ourselves trapped in – is characterised by a constant state of striving towards the next (often unattainable) goal.

So what’s the answer? Here are 5 quick questions to ask yourself if being able to relax and enjoy life is something you’d love to know the trick to.

1. Are you playing to your strengths?

When it comes to how you spend your time – at work, with your family, or with friends, are you the proverbial square peg in a round hole? Perhaps you’re a creative free-thinker, and yet your role in your team has you cracking the whip to meet deadlines and tick boxes. Or you crave security, and yet are stuck on the freelance rollercoaster, desperate for some consistency in your income and your workload.

For high achieving women, the tendency is often to blame ourselves if we’re not happy. We think we need to work harder or adopt new habits. But it may simply be that you’d be more in flow, feel more valued and in control, and find everything easier, if you were doing activities that suited you better.

Knowing your strengths is the first step here. When you understand what makes you tick, you’ll find it far easier to make decisions about what might be beneficial to change.

2. Are you being too hard on yourself?

Perhaps you’re pretty sure your work is a good fit for you. In fact, it might be something you’re so passionate about that it’s starting to be a problem – when you find you can’t switch off and nothing you do feels like it’s enough.

Feeling constantly inadequate is a sure symptom of Superwoman. The truth is, we’re all human, and there are limits to what we’re able to achieve. High standards aren’t a problem per se, but if your expectations are unrealistic you’re setting yourself up for exhaustion, overwork and even burnout.

Talking through what’s on your plate with a coach, peer or trusted friend can be a good way to gauge if you’re overstretching yourself. Or try writing out a big list of everything you’re aiming to achieve in the next month or so. Is it realistic? Does it leave time for you to rest and replenish your energy? Be honest – creating a more achievable framework might radically reduce the pressure you feel.

3. Are you building in time to relax?

We often need more rest than we think. And one of the key ways to make sure that rest is as effective as possible is by paying attention to your natural energy cycles. If you’re menstruating, that might mean scheduling in extra downtime around your period. And if you don’t have a menstrual cycle, you’ll probably still notice an ebb and flow of your energy at different times.

Whether it’s as simple as taking a walk after lunch or getting an early night the day before a breakfast meeting, paying attention to the rest you need and allowing the time you need to replenish your energy can pay dividends.

Fresh air, movement, time to connect – the exact replenishment you need will vary. The key is to make time to ask yourself what you need – and then do it.

4. Do you have the support you need?

Good relationships lift you up and support you. In the words of Michelle Obama:

“Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don’t hurt. They’re not painful. That’s not just with somebody you want to marry, but it’s with the friends you choose. It’s with the people you surround yourself with.”

If the friends you spend time with, the people you follow on social media or the team you work with are draining, unkind or just not aligned with your values, it’s bound to feel challenging. Our online community is a great place to connect with likeminded women – or perhaps there’s a local group you could meet with in person. From sport to knitting to personal development, there are countless groups where you might find the support you really need. Get that warm support in place, and you might find your outlook begins to change.

5. How can you bring more pleasure into your life?

I’m a big fan of “bridging rituals” – ways of marking the transition from one way of being to another. For example, taking a walk round the garden on my way to my home office; pulling an inspirational “goddess card” to set an intention, or having a bath to relax at the end of a long day.

Part of the function of these rituals is to act as a marker that I’m shifting from one energy to another. Perhaps I’ve been having a difficult conversation with a team member, or been deep in a financial meeting where we’re making projections for the future, and it’s time for me to transition into “Mum” mode. Or I might have been down on the floor playing Lego with my son, and now it’s time for me to spend some quality time with my husband outside of our work and family responsibilities. These little rituals help make me more effective and present in each of the different activities that make up my day.

But the other thing they do is act as small mindful moments. They’re pleasurable things in themselves – a scented candle, the fresh air of the garden, a delicious bath.

There’s no rule that says life has to be difficult or boring. If you’re finding it hard to relax, ask yourself what small pleasures you can bring into your day. Could you get some photos of happy times printed and framed, to brighten up your desk? Buy yourself some gorgeous stationery to brighten tedious admin tasks? Or find an inspiring podcast or audiobook to make a long commute something you look forward to?

Want more help to enjoy life?

Knowing how to make life more fun starts with knowing who you are: what lights you up, what feels natural and easy, and what challenges, blocks or frustrates you.

Your Women’s PowerTypes Profile™ is a personalised report into your unique balance of PowerTypes and the insight it brings is remarkable. It can help you:

  • Get clarity on your motivations, reactions, and natural strengths – why you behave the way you do (and why that varies in different situations)
  • “Change the channel” and choose a fresh approach whenever you encounter a new challenge – one that feels good
  • Step away from triggers, flare-ups and frustration without getting caught up in drama or switching off your emotions
  • Understand why other profiles or personal development tools might have felt incomplete or failed to “stick” – and what you can do differently
  • Feel more in control, relaxed, and able to express yourself fully in every area of your life

Sound good? Click here to get your report today.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Before you change your life, do this

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

There’s something so tempting about a fresh start, don’t you think? For lots of us that “blank page” feeling is strongest at the start of a new year – it’s January, you’ve got a crisp new planner, and you’re ready to fill it with juicy actions that will take you to the place you want to be in twelve month’s time. Or perhaps you feel it most on your birthday, at the start of Spring, or some other time when you suddenly feel the urge to commit to real change in your life. But before you do, may I make a suggestion?

If you’re feeling like you want to change your life, read on to find out what to do first.

The allure of the new

What’s really tempting when we feel motivated to create something new is to dive in and focus our energy on what it is we want to create. It’s understandable! What you’re imagining probably sounds delicious.

That vision of the fit and healthy you who wakes up well-rested and feeling energised to get out and get moving…

Feeling a thrill of gratitude when you look at your bank balance and realize you’ve got more than enough at the end of the month…

Laughing with your kids on an unplugged family holiday that’s filled with love…

Those are beautiful dreams. And whatever it is you’re wanting to create, it’s definitely important to have a clear vision in your mind of what it is that’s coming to you. In fact, it’s a vital part of the process when it comes to creating the world we want to live in.

But before you swing into “making it happen”, pause for a second. There’s something important it’s important to ask yourself before you dive into making change.

What’s your motivation?

You might have come across the concept of “towards” or “away from” motivation before, but in case you haven’t, here’s a quick rundown.

Motivation to do anything in your life, whether it’s finally quitting that occasional cigarette habit or moving to a new town for the scary-but-awesome job you’ve landed at your dream company, can be split into two camps.

Towards motivation is whatever’s pulling you in the direction of what it is you want.

It might be “feeling free and energised in my body”, or “being able to buy organic veg for my family, all the time”.

Both of those describe a place that you’d like to get to, and that’s what might motivate you to ask for a pay rise or get up and go for a run, even when it’s dark outside.

Away from motivation is the impulse to leave behind the state you don’t want to be in.

So to use the same examples, away from motivation might be “stop feeling so heavy and lethargic” or “not feel anxious about the budget when I do the weekly shop”.

The action you want yourself to take is the same in each of those examples, but the motivation is very different. And it matters.

“Away from” motivation tends to work well at first, but fizzle out as you get further from where you’ve started. Once you’ve got away from where you started, there’s less and less impetus to keep going.

“Towards” motivation, on the other hand, tends to keep you in action. As you get closer to where you want to be, you feel excited – as your goal approaches,it can even feel like you have more energy for what you want to do.

You often appreciate your progress much more because you’re focused on what it is you desire.

You’re more likely to notice each incremental step towards your goal, and celebrate it.

So when you think about creating change, ask yourself what you’d like to move towards before you start implementing any big shifts.

You may find that the action steps you do take are a whole lot easier to sustain. And if you’re serious about making change, there’s one other question to ask yourself that will make creating a sustainable shift a whole lot easier – and more likely to last.

Who will help you?

Trying to create big shifts in your life by yourself can be tough.

Maybe your family are still expecting you to serve up winter stodge, when you’re ready to eat some green things with a bit more crunch to them. Or your colleagues are wedded to the “who can leave latest?” competition, when you’ve resolved to make sure you finish at a sane time and actually get to hang out with your partner for a change.

Having some support and understanding from someone else can make a serious difference to how effective change is.

And it makes it more enjoyable, too.

So think about it – how can you get the support you need?

If you want to start reading more, why not take it a step further and join a book group?

If you’re committed to spending more time away from the screen, why not ask a friend to come for a weekly stomp in the woods?

It might be that the change you want to make is a profound one, that’s going to take a bit more than just a mate to text when you’re finishing work for the day. Professional support, whether counselling or coaching, is a smart investment when it’s time to create real change. (If you’d like a helping hand, feel free to drop us a line so we can chat about what might be a good fit for you).

A retreat, a course, some financial education… whatever it is, find your comrades in the change you’re making and lean on them when you need to.

What would you like to change?

I’d love to know how you’re growing and challenging yourself – and what you’re doing to give yourself the best chance possible of success. Leave a comment below and let’s cheer each other on to make sustainable changes that feel really good.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest post: What to do if self-love is hard

By

Emily Jacob

Emily Jacob is a coach certified by the ICF, and a Master NLP Practitioner. She is an author, speaker, and founder of ReConnected Life, helping women to go from living a half-life, one day at a time, and living their full, whole lives again.

Through ReConnected Life, Emily helps women all over the world in her supportive community, and through her online programmes and individual coaching. Her Taste of Recovery programme has been licenced by RSVP, and is helping to support survivors whilst they wait for counselling resource.

Emily is a graduate of Lead the Change, and a One of many certified coach.

Latest posts by Emily Jacob (see all)

Does the idea of loving yourself feel confusing, challenging, dangerous – or even impossible?

Today I want to share what to do if self-love is hard, and give you some practical steps you can take to start to reconnect to yourself.

For many of us, accessing our inner Lover PowerType can feel like a real challenge.

Maybe your parents were filled with their own self-loathing and couldn’t model what self-care or self-love looked like.

Maybe you were bullied by others as a child and internalised the idea that you were the failure they said you were.

Maybe it was something worse, that left deep scars.

Or maybe you’re stuck in Martyr, and loving yourself, or taking care of yourself, feels indulgent when there is so much to do, and other people to take care of.

Whatever the reason, we can feel so much resistance to letting go of the learned self-loathing – and we don’t feel we deserve to feel better anyway.

The secret is, the self-loathing patterns that we are holding onto so tightly were built for a reason: protection.

And so to start the journey of letting go, and letting in love, we have to learn to trust that we are no longer in need of that protection. The good news is that there are some steps we can take that will help to build that trust and open up to letting in self-love.

Step One: Prioritise Yourself

The first step is to acknowledge that you are resistant to prioritising yourself and your needs, and that you would like to change this. This might seem obvious, and yet it is one of the hardest things to do. For someone who has a lifetime, decades often, of an armour that has built tight around themselves, an armour that was built for survival, the concept of unlocking that armour is terrifying.

You will probably have hidden the existence of this armour of self-hatred in a cloak of self-deprecating humour; or in being brash and curt, perhaps angry, attacking first; or being the quiet one in the corner, always smiling, always agreeable. It might be so much a part of you that you don’t notice it anymore; except the idea of prioritising yourself feels wrong.

Say out loud: I want to be able to prioritise my needs (whisper it, you’ll be starting to put yourself first already).

Step Two: Build Your Self-Care Rituals

By explicitly acknowledging to yourself that you want to change, you will have put your amygdala on high alert. Change is uncomfortable, and change that requires letting go of that which we believe has protected us from further harm feels dangerous. Therefore, step two is about calming the parasympathetic nervous system, and reducing the alarm bells that are ringing loud.

There are many, many ways to do this, and you will find what works best for you by experimenting with different methods.

You may already have developed your go-to soothers for those times you’ve felt under attack in the past; this step avoids those which indulge your self-loathing (eg. eating or drinking to excess, cutting, over-working or exercising) and instead emphasises those that start to build self-care.

Here are some ideas:
• Long, soapy baths – maybe add some Epsom salts, or essential oils and candlelight
• Meditation
• Yoga, or other body calming exercise (if you have a history of trauma, be careful with exercises that focus on the pelvic area)
• Getting out in nature
• Doing some craft work, or art

And the simplest is breathing, deep and long, connecting into all of your five senses, grounding yourself into the Now.

You may want to stay within this step for a while, until your self-care muscle is sufficiently strong, so that you know you can self-rescue if you ever need (whisper it, you’ll be starting to trust yourself).

Step Three: Begin to Heal Yourself

It’s a myth that once broken we will forever be broken. That is simply not true, although it is a very powerful myth that can keep us trapped in Victim and unable to access Lover for a very long time.

When we start to explore inside ourselves with curiosity and no judgement (tip, practicing meditation in step two will help tremendously with this), we start to see clearly that what happened in the past to trap us in the self-loathing armour was not our fault.

You were not to blame

The process of this exploration will be different for us all, and for some it might involve accessing the support of a counsellor or coach. Or, you might choose to work on your healing yourself.

Regardless of how we process the unravellings of the layers of armour, peeling layer after layer, we must recognise that this can mimic the trauma, and so feel traumatic and re-traumatising: it is not then that caused the hurt; it is now that is processing the hurt and enabling the hurt to be let go. (This is why we practice step two for as long as it takes to develop trust for self-rescue and don’t dive straight into healing).

If you are working on healing yourself, journaling is a super-simple practice that I recommend to my clients that you can do for yourself.

In the One of many world you might have heard of Morning Pages; this comes from Julia Cameron’s seminal work, ‘The Artist’s Way’, and is a way of connecting with the unconscious to re-engage the creative spirit.

Journaling, or writing down your thoughts and feelings about the things that are hurting you, bothering you, or causing triggers for you, has been proven to help heal.

Dr James Pennebaker at the University of Texas demonstrated that just writing for thirty minutes about something that was causing shame could have positive health benefits even six months later.

‘Opening Up by Writing it Down’, written by Dr Pennebaker with Dr Joshua Smyth has many exercises and examples to help guide you through this process.

You’ll find that regularly accessing your Mother PowerType to soothe your inner hurt part will also be of great value to you in your healing journey (whisper it, your healing has already started).

Step Four: Grieve For The Lost You

Oftentimes I observe that people are still holding onto the hurt of having lost the person they were before: the refrain of never being the same again is one I hear a lot. Yet, to enable us to love ourselves, as we are now, we have to let go of the person who we were.

We can honour that version of us who was hurt, acknowledge we loved them, and grieve for them. It is when we have grieved, that we are able to move on with our lives, loving ourselves fully.

When you have grieved the version of you that was hurt, and grieved the things you missed out on because of the hurt, grieved the different version of you that was lost, and the loss of all the versions of you that you might never now be, then you are really honouring all of who you are (whisper it, you are loving you).

Step Five: Love

Once you have moved through the grieving process, you’ll find that you are naturally embracing the whole you, the you that you love and accept, unconditionally. You have found self-love, and now you can Be Love.

PS. The myth that you can’t be loved until you love yourself is entirely false. Loving oneself feels out of reach to so many people; and yet, many, many people who don’t love themselves entirely do find love, and are very happily partnered. Don’t buy into the myths that exist to make us feel less than.

About Emily Jacob

Emily JacobsThe survivor coach, living her ReConnected Life.

Emily Jacob is a coach certified by the ICF, and a Master NLP Practitioner. She is an author, speaker, and founder of ReConnected Life, helping women to go from living a half-life, one day at a time, and living their full, whole lives again.

After overcoming PTSD, she still did not feel ‘whole’ and could not trust that she would not fall into the abyss again. Whilst learning the tools and techniques involved in neuro-linguistic programming she started to understand how to rebuild herself; and through her lightbulb moment of the critical importance of the mind-body connection, Emily knew she had found her formula for living whole after rape.

Through ReConnected Life Emily helps women all over the world in her supportive community, and through her online programmes and individual coaching. Her Taste of Recovery programme has been licenced by RSVP, and is helping to support survivors whilst they wait for counselling resource.

Emily is a graduate of Lead the Change, and a One of many certified coach. To find out more about the work Emily does, visit her site ReConnected Life, or book a no-obligation discovery call by clicking here.

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How journalling can help you survive the holidays

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Journalling is one of the most powerful and underrated tools there is when it comes to creating the life you want. And at times of year when there’s lots going on, family stresses, or emotions coming up, it can help us in powerful ways. So today I want to outline how journalling can help you survive the holidays – and support you into the New Year too.

If you’re not in the habit of writing in a journal, I get that there can be a bit of mystique around the process. Perhaps you’ve heard other people talk about the power of journalling, but not quite managed to get the habit set up yourself. Even if you’re a regular journaller, the 3 things I’m sharing today will help you deepen your understanding of how journalling can help you navigate busy times, and hopefully give you some tips to develop your habit further.

If you have questions, or if you use your journal in other ways than the ones I’m listing here, do scroll down and leave us a comment. I’d love to know how you use this practice – or what challenges you face when trying to get started – so that we can help each other.

1. Start each day with Morning Pages

This idea is the foundation of my journalling practice, and it comes from the excellent book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron (highly recommended if you’re looking for a book to gift yourself!)

In the Artist’s Way, Julia suggests clear guidelines for morning pages:

  • Write first thing in the morning, as close to waking as possible
  • Write as fast as you can, for 3 A4 pages – no more, no less
  • Don’t show your pages to anyone else
  • Don’t re-read your pages for at least 8 weeks

Now, the realities of life might mean you don’t always manage to get your 3 pages written before doing anything else. If you’re a parent, your mornings are already packed, or just can’t see how you could squeeze and extra half hour in before work, it might even sound impossible.

These days, with two children and a business, I consider these guidelines the “gold standard”. There is something really powerful about tapping into your unconscious before any other activities have happened, or you’ve even spoken to another person. But free-writing  at any time of day will still make a huge difference.

So you’re ready with your notebook and pen… where do you start? Julia says, essentially, “just write, and write fast”. For me, that pace is really key. Don’t worry about your handwriting or whether what you’re writing is “good” or “makes sense” – remember, no-one else is ever going to read this.

If your mind goes blank, or you find yourself getting stuck trying to “figure something out”, just keep writing (even if you’re literally writing “I don’t know what to write… I don’t know what to write”, over and over again).

I’ve found there’s often a really juicy idea or unexpected insight right on the other side of that “stuck” place.

The power of starting your days with writing, especially during a busy time like Christmas when you’re likely to have lots of things going on, is that you start the day by connecting to yourself – your own intuition and inner wisdom.

If you’ve got lots of people around you, it can be an incredible relief to allow yourself space to tune into “radio you” and listen to what’s bubbling up.

In Julia’s words,

“The voice of our original self is often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people’s expectations.”
― Julia Cameron

See if you can give yourself just half an hour each morning to pour out whatever comes up onto a page – and notice the difference it makes to your day.

2. Process the emotions that come up

The festive season might be a time of goodwill and celebration – but it can also feel like bloody hard work.

  • Maybe you’re staying with your parents as an adult, and reliving your teenage resentment and anger with every “house rule” you find yourself trapped by.
  • Perhaps you’re being shunted from pillar to post like the gift no-one wants.
  • Or maybe your entire office has swanned off for the holidays, and you’re the one holding the fort.

Whatever your flavour of festive challenge, using your journal to process how you’re feeling can be an incredibly effective way to shift those emotions and keep your energy flowing rather than stagnating.

If something comes up, you find yourself triggered, or you get overwhelmed with emotion, grab your journal and pour out how you’re feeling. You could write it as a never-to-be-sent letter, or just a stream-of-consciousness rant to let off steam.

Needless to say, Julia’s recommendation to keep your writing secret applies doubly here! Don’t let your uncensored thoughts fall into the wrong hands – or you might have a drama worthy of a soap opera Christmas special on your hands.

3. Use your journal to create your year ahead

Especially if you’re not where you want to be this Christmas, physically or emotionally, one of the most powerful ways to use your journal is to create. Think about what you’d love to bring into your life, or how you would like things to be different for you next year.

Rather than scrolling through fitness equipment online or googling “how to change your entire life in 6 weeks”, spend some time connecting to your intuition.

  • What would your body love to do?
  • Where do you wish you were right now? How would you like to feel?
  • What would be an amazing thing to experience in the next twelve months?

Journalling is where I get some of my best ideas, and when combined with the practice of morning pages some inspiring dreams and incredible ideas can open up.

Should you read your journal back?

Deciding whether or not to re-read your journal is a personal thing. Some people prefer to burn or throw away their journals, and trust that what’s important will come back to them.

Personally, I’ve found Julia’s “8-week” guideline feels like about the right amount of time for me to wait before returning to what I’ve written. If you choose to revisit your journals, you might want to look out for:

  • Challenges that have stuck around, and it might be time for you to deal with: “I’m still totally stressed out at work. What help can I access around that?”
  • Great ideas you might not have remembered, and want to take action on
  • Inspiration at how far you’ve come: “I can’t believe how hopeless I was feeling about my marriage – things have come a long way!”

Journalling is one of our foundational tools at One of many, and one of its greatest roles is in helping you find greater peace and connect to yourself.

Over to you

How about you – are you an avid journaller? Or is it a tool you’ve never quite got the hang of? Share your experience below – and let us know if it helps you get through the festive season with your sanity intact!

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