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The short temper solution

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It’s different for all of us – that place we slip into when we’re not at our best. Is it the tone in your voice that has your partner shrinking from you when you snap at them after a tough day at work? Or the hopeless, helpless feeling you get when you say “sure” to that one ‘quick thing’ your demanding boss needs you to sort out at 4pm on a Friday afternoon? The truth is, the short temper solution is the same as the “self-pity” or “burning resentment” solution.

Today I’m sharing a powerful tool that can help you manage these kinds of frustrating behaviours, without blocking your (totally valid!) feelings.

Let’s start by getting clear on exactly what we mean when we talk about these kinds of situations. I don’t mean times when you’re just feeling a bit sensitive or you’re in “getting things done” mode. Just because you’re not being over-the top nice and friendly doesn’t mean there’s an underlying issue you need to deal with. As leaders of any kind, there are times when we need to give clear instructions, or convey information, without the added fluff.

What I invite you to consider today are the times when you’re slipping into a version of yourself who’s less in control of how she’s behaving.

The 3 disempowering archetypes

We talk a lot about the 5 Women’s PowerTypes – the 5 powerful female archetypes we use to guide the new version of leadership we’re creating.

But today I want you to think about the dis-empowering archetypes you can find yourself in. The 3 really common ones we find are the Bitch, the Victim and the Martyr. Have a read of these scenarios and see if you recognise yourself in any of them:

The Bitch is that short-tempered you who loses her sense of kindness and compassion, and even lashes out at those around her. Wendy, our Marketing and Events manager, spots this one at times when she’s feeling overloaded and snaps at her husband.

“I literally see him shrink in front of me” she says. “That’s when I know I’ve crossed over into the woman I know I don’t want to be. And it’s not really me either! It’s a sign there’s something else going on.”

Victim comes out when we find ourselves feeling totally helpless. Maybe someone at work says you haven’t completed something when you know you have.

For me it was when my husband made an innocuous comment about how “we weren’t good at implementing things”. Instead of calmly addressing it – “I sent that to you on Tuesday, actually” or “That’s interesting – how do you think we could improve?” – we go into “poor me” mode. It might be shrinking and going silent, or flaring into defensiveness.

For many women, Martyr’s the disempowering role we might actually have been praised for. Staying late at the office, helping out family members on weekends, never taking a moment for ourselves…

If you tend to give too much and find yourself in over-sacrificing mode, it’s likely martyr’s the tendency to watch out for.

So when you know what the pattern you tend to fall into is (you may well rotate through all three, depending on the circumstances!) how do you find a different way of being?

Allow me to introduce one of the most powerful tools we have to combat these disempowering archetypes: Trigger Tracking.

What is Trigger Tracking?

Trigger tracking is a way of moving into a place of awareness and observation – so that you can start to uncover what’s at the root of the behaviour you want to change.

A lot of the time we find ourselves getting frustrated when we’re unable to change our behaviour. That’s because we’re focusing on the symptom of what’s going on, rather than the root cause.

Often, the flash of temper or sink into despondency is actually a defense mechanism we’ve evolved over time – maybe even since childhood – to protect us from a “risk”.

For example, you might be getting angry because underneath, you’re afraid of being rejected.

Trigger tracking helps you identify what your unique patterns are, so that you can start to change them.

How to get started with trigger tracking

The easiest way to start with Trigger Tracking is to set aside a period of time – in our BePowerful program, we use it over the course of one week.

Take a piece of paper and divide it into 6 columns. Now, what you’ll do is notice each time you find yourself slipping into one of these disempowering modes, and note down the following things:

  • What happened?

For example: I felt totally inadequate and paralysed with a big work project – and ended up missing the deadline I’d promised my team.

  • What was your bad behaviour?

I spent an hour complaining to my partner about how unreasonable my boss’s expectations of me were, instead of taking action on the project or letting them know I couldn’t do it.

  • What archetype did you go into?

Victim

  • What was the trigger for that archetype?

Feeling that I wasn’t good enough. A sense that everyone was relying on me, and I had no one to support me.

  • How did you feel?

Frustrated, helpless and small.

  • What was the impact on others?

My team had to work harder because I missed the deadline. My boss was frustrated that I hadn’t spoken up sooner. My partner told me how worried they were about the demands being placed on me. It’s upsetting to them to hear me feeling so down.

As you begin to complete the sheet with each example as it happens, you’ll start to notice certain repeated patterns coming up. Don’t worry if you feel this is happening a lot – the more data you have on what triggers you, the better! At the end of the week, take a look at what you’ve learned.

What to do when you’ve tracked your triggers

When you’ve gathered your examples over the time you’re trigger tracking for, you’ll hopefully start to see some patterns emerging. For example, it might be that on the days when you’re really feeling “not good enough” as a mum that you find yourself taking on more and more tasks at work, and ending up in full on Martyr.

Or perhaps you try to pack too much into your day and that’s when you end up snapping into Bitch with your energetic toddler – even though you know it’s not their fault.

Whether you tend to get angry and snap, fall into victim mode or take on way too much when you move into martyr, the solution lies in becoming aware of your behaviour so that you can take steps to address the issue that’s actually causing you to snap.

That might be working with a one-to-one coach, using a meditation process to release emotions (there’s a Soft PowerCast on this for our BeOne Community members), journalling or talking to a therapist or professional.

Want more tools like this?

Trigger tracking is just one of the powerful tools we explore in BePowerful, our 12 week transformational coaching program. If you’re curious, the first step is to find out your PowerTypes profile. Click here to get your personalized report.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

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How to Develop a Healthy Relationship with Anger

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Today I want to talk about something that’s often an awkward topic for us women — anger. I know, just bringing it up can make us really uncomfortable! After all, who wants to think about being angry?

But it’s such a hugely important topic, not just for our psychological wellbeing, but also for our physical wellbeing. In fact, I was reading some studies the other day that showed that having a healthy relationship with anger can lower your risk of certain cancers, high blood pressure, heart disease and poor immunity!

The problem with anger

A lot of women that I talk to feel like anger itself is a problem — after all, we’re raised with the idea that “nice girls don’t get angry” or that we should sit quietly and speak when we’re spoken to, and very few of us are taught how to express our anger in a positive way.

But anger in and of itself isn’t the problem. It’s actually a great thing, because it acts as an inbuilt warning sign that something is going on that crosses a boundary, infringes on our values for ourself, or even threatens our safety. And despite what you might think, it’s not something that you can control.

Fight or flight

See, anger is largely a physiological response. As humans, when there’s danger, we have a deep seated, programmed fight or flight response. It’s very primal; it’s controlled by the amygdala, which is the reptilian part of the brain which warns the rest of the nervous system when we’re threatened.

When this happens, the nervous system releases neurotransmitters that flood the entire body, and before we’re even consciously aware of any danger, we’re in the middle of this flood of hormones that’s giving us a huge boost of energy and actually altering our consciousness.

Same system, different response

Everyone’s got the same physical system associated with anger, but the way we respond can be really different, depending on your gender, the culture you grew up in, and even how recently you’ve eaten!

Culture has a huge impact on how we deal with anger — men tend to have an easier time expressing their anger, since it’s more culturally accepted for them to be aggressive.

So while men tend to focus their anger outwards, women tend to either focus it internally, or sometimes on people who are nonthreatening, like children or a spouse instead of getting clear on what the primary source of the anger is and dealing with that. And while men usually get angry, express it, and then forget about it, women tend to feel ashamed, guilty, and resentful that they even had the angry outburst in the first place!

There are also a lot of physical factors that can make you more prone to anger. If your testosterone levels are higher than normal, if your blood sugar is off, if you’ve got low serotonin, if you’re going through menopause, or if you’re right before your period then you’ll be naturally be more irritable and likely to flare up.

Finally, and this is really important to realize, is that you can still be impacted in the present by times that you were angry in the past and weren’t able to express that properly. It’s also easy to “inherit” anger if you grew up in an atmosphere where there was a lot of anger or abuse, or if you were taught unhealthy ways to deal with your anger.

A good way to recognize when you’re being triggered by something in the past is to look at how proportionate your response is to an event. If you’re having a really disproportionate response to an event — like if you fly into a rage when you’re emptying the dishwasher and you break a cup — it’s a good bet that it’s not about the cup.

Developing a healthy relationship with anger

OK, so you know what’s going on when you’re angry and why it happens. But how can you develop a healthy relationship with your anger?

For a lot of women, our go-to response to anger is to repress it, to hide it. But this is really damaging. Hiding your anger might get it off your mental plate for a short time, but it will always come out in another form, like depression, anxiety, chronic pain, or even addiction.

Of course, I’m not saying you should go the other way and just rain explosive rage on those around you whenever you’re upset. What you need to do instead is to:

(1) Recognize that you’re in this physical state. When you start to get the symptoms, like your heart beating faster, your palms sweating, your shoulders tensing, and your breath getting short … you’re in that fight or flight state. While there may or may not be an actual threat, your body feels like there is.

If you’re in a conversation with someone else when this happens, just say,

“You know what, I just need to take a break for a moment. Can we continue this in a little while?”

Then go away for 5 – 10 minutes, and once the hormones have passed through your body, you can come back and have a rational conversation about what’s going on.

(2) Let that anger out in a safe but honest way. Now ladies, none of this thing where you calmly state what you’re angry about and think it’s done and dusted (while you’re still inwardly seething). You have to get it out! Some good ways to do this are to punch a pillow, to turn the music up and dance your head off, do a really good workout.

Another thing I like to do sometimes is to give your anger a voice and write a letter about what you’re angry about. Don’t hold back, write it like you’re in grade three: “Dear poo-head, you made me so angry when you did that stupid thing and I hate your stupid piggy ears and your dumb voice…” It sounds silly, but it really works!

(3) Become a detective of your anger. After you’ve gone through a period of anger and you’ve calmed down, look at things that could have triggered it and see what you can do to keep that from happening again. While there’s nothing wrong with anger, there’s also no point in putting yourself in situations where you’re going to be prone to it.

OK ladies, let’s spill. How do you deal with anger? I have to admit, I still struggle with it sometimes. What about you?