One of Many

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How delegation can be used to empower others

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Delegation is a vital tool for any leader. After all, there’s simply no way we can do every task that crosses our plate. But delegating well requires more than simply firing off an email or setting a task for a colleague. When you know how delegation can be used to empower others it doesn’t just free up your time – it helps you cultivate stronger, more resilient relationships and experience true support from those around you.

First, know what’s yours to delegate

One of the hallmarks of Superwoman – the disempowering archetype of our time for women – is her belief that “Everything is my responsibility”.

Tiffany Dufu is a writer and leader who’s achieved undoubtable professional success: A launch team member to Lean In, she previously served as President of The White House Project and was named in Fast Company’s League of Extraordinary Women. Her book, Drop the Ball, explores how letting go of our need to achieve perfection in every area of our lives.

In an interview with Marianne Schnall for the Huffington post, Dufu explained how hard we can find that to do – and why it matters so much:

“The biggest ball that I needed to drop was just this huge ball around unrealistic expectations and just doing it all, and ultimately that’s the ball I feel like women should drop. And it’s the most insidious one, and it’s the reason why the book is called Drop the Ball and not How to Get Other People to Pick Up the Ball.

Because in my experience, once I dropped the ball, it really did open up a whole new world of possibilities for what I could attain and what I could achieve, in large part from just engaging the people around me.”

Before you begin to delegate, then, ask yourself: Can I simply let go of this?

Can I let myself off the hook, and allow someone else to step in – perhaps by saying no, not speaking up… or simply doing nothing?

Delegating is an action that requires energy.

And there may be things on your list that, when you get realistic about your expectations, don’t even need to be delegated: they can simply be crossed off.

So, first things first: look at what’s on your list. Is there anything you can formally give your permission to let go of – can you experience what it’s like to consciously “Drop the ball?”

In Tiffany’s experience:

“I got so overwhelmed that I eventually did start dropping balls… not that I was necessarily trying to. And I discovered that the world didn’t fall apart, and I had never had that experience before because I had always been someone who cared deeply about not dropping balls and had been paranoid about not dropping them. And so, it kind of kept them up in the air.

…if there’s one thing I feel like we need more practice in, it’s just failing publicly. To know that life can still go on.”

When you do choose to delegate, do so effectively

So you’ve looked at your list, and perhaps been able to cross off a few things that really don’t need to be done by you, if at all.

Inevitably, there will still be some things to delegate.

(Some of them you might not want to – but they simply aren’t priorities, and they still need to happen. You can’t do them yourself, so it’s time to let them go.)

How can you pass them on in a way that creates the best possible chance of them being completed effectively?

Without dumping them on a hapless colleague, or undermining the person you’re asking?

Well, over time, I’ve identified 6 distinct steps to effective delegation that actually empowers those around you.

1. Get their full attention

It might sound obvious, but this is important.

It’s essential if the conversation is to be an empowering one, because it means that you’re also giving them the gift of your attention, should they have queries or concerns.

A face to face conversation is ideal; a phonecall second best. If you need to delegate in writing, say via email, make sure you’re clear about what you’re asking, and invite them to respond as appropriate.

2. Tell them what you want them to do

Make it clear what the task is.

You’re not telling them how to do it – just what the outcome is that you want.

3. Tell them why

There’s nothing more disempowering than simply being told to do something without knowing why it matters.

Even if it seems obvious, it bears repeating. You’ll never know if you have a bigger picture, or a different angle, on why this is important at this particular time. Make sure you share that, so that you’re on the same page.

This really helps foster a sense of trust and collaboration, rather than hierarchy.

Think “Here’s why we need to do this” rather than “This is why I’m telling you…”

4. Agree a time-frame

Note the word “agree” – you’re not imposing it!

Ask them when they can do it, or let them know what your deadline is. This is an opportunity to model good time management, by acknowledging that they have other priorities, and giving them space to consider where this new task fits in.

If you think the task you’re delegating needs to be higher up their list, try asking “What would you need to move to have it done by Monday?”.

Makign sure you’ve clearly shared the “Why” behind the task is a crucial piece here – as it helps contextualise timescales and make clear what’s at stake if it doesn’t happen by a certain date.

5. Ask for understanding

Especially if you’re in a position of seniority, make sure you open up communication.

Think about how you’d like someone to check in with you – maybe ask “have you got that?” or “do you need anything else?”.

In terms of the Women’s PowerTypes, the most effective energy to delegate from is that of Mother. It allows you to remain sensitive to the wellbeing of your team and support them to work at their optimum level.

(To understand more about the PowerTypes and how you can use them to become a more effective leader, click here).

Iron out any concerns and make sure they know where to get the information they need.

6. Schedule follow up

Remember, you’re delegating – not abdicating. So you need to know when you’re going to check in, and have a method for recording that: perhaps a separate section on your to-do list, or a reminder in your calendar.

How do you delegate?

Got a tip on delegating to share – or an example of when you’ve felt empowered when someone delegated to you? Let us know in the comments.

Great leaders lift others up

The leadership we’re cultivating at One of many doesn’t rely on having power over others. Instead, it allows us to empower those around us while standing in our own Soft Power – and feeling confident that we’re taking the actions we need to to have the impact we want.

If you’d like to find out more about this new leadership paradigm, Be Powerful is our 12 week course. It can help you explore a more powerful way of showing up in every area of your life – including setting boundaries, delegating, and discovering what you really want.

Check out the full details here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Banish busy: How to manage time and stress less

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The number one mistake that most women make in the interest of time management is aiming to be able to do more in the hours they have. It’s this idea of being more “productive” that’s started to seem like the most important goal of time management. When what we really need to learn is how to manage time and stress less – so that, instead of making the treadmill run faster we’re actually stepping off it all together.

You see, productivity starts with this assumption that we’re almost like machines – we can be relied upon to produce a certain amount of “output” each day. It’s looking at what we produce as though it can be controlled in a linear fashion. No surprise that it’s a concept that first gained traction during the industrial revolution, when machines began to be brought in to complete work.

But we’re not machines, and that’s why I avoid thinking about productivity altogether.

Which sounds wonderful, doesn’t it, only – you still need to be able to get things done, right? You have targets to hit, revenue to generate if you’re in business, people to manage. Maybe a family to get to places on time.

And though it might be lovely to say to your boss “Sorry, I’m letting go of the concept of productivity”, the reality is it won’t quite wash when it comes to having the impact you want.

So what I want to share today is a different way to look at this which means that you’re not blocking your own effectiveness, you’re simply changing the lens through which you look at it.

Time management – the old way

So let’s start with the way most of us have been taught to think about managing our time. It’s kind of like a jigsaw puzzle. You might look at your week and figure out you have 8 hours a day to complete a set of tasks. And when you try to be more productive, you’re seeing how many tasks you can slot into those 8 hours.

Secondary to that, is your own energy and wellbeing. How stressed you are, that kind of thing.

Once you’ve plugged in all the things you want to get done (there’s usually a lot more of them than would realistically fit into that time, but most of us kind of pretend that’s not true) then you think about your energy.

At a push, you might schedule in things like gym sessions or doctor’s appointments. But fundamentally, your rest and replenishment gets fitted in around the “Important Stuff”.

And so, the inevitable happens. Things take longer than planned. Meetings get moved; projects get delayed; computers crash and mistakes happen.

(Life, in other words).

But because the focus is on managing time, it’s the rest and replenishment that gets shunted over to make way for all that “Productive” work.

The result? Well, the statistics speak for themselves. We’re 60% more likely to suffer from job-related stress than men; our happiness is declining and our rate of burnout is far too high.

A different way to frame your time

I prefer for us, especially as women, to focus not on productivity, but on becoming more fruitful. “Producing an abundant growth, as of fruit”, that’s the definition.

We need to develop a relationship with ourselves, our bodies and our energy levels that we can know when to expect fruit from ourselves and when we need to regenerate, replenish.

We need to shift from productive to fruitful – and there’s several different things that I want you to think about as we do this.

Productivity was about work. Fruitfulness is about tapping into magic. That’s how I want you to start thinking about creating results, shifting out of hard work and looking for opportunities to move into magic, finding the easy way through .

Now if you’re thinking “magic’s all well and good, Jo, but how does that help me meet the deadline that’s just landed in my lap?”, here’s the key:

I want you to shift out of focusing on time and instead focus on energy.

Imagine if, when you planned your time, you focused not on how much you could get done but on how you could give yourself optimum energy on any given day. Building in the walks, the movement, the time to restore yourself.

Think about how much more effective – not productive, but truly effective – you would be if every moment you spent you were working at your optimum energy.

  • If when you had time with the family you were 100% switched off and connected.
  • Or when you came to go to an important meeting, you felt rested, energised and full of ideas.
  • Or when you needed to blast through a bunch of admin you could be laser-focused and decisive

Finding a new way of doing things

It’s not about time management, it’s about energy management.

Which means it’s time for us to stop pushing through. Pushing through doesn’t serve anyone, it just gets you to breakdown faster and more efficiently. And that’s not what we want!

Instead we want to focus on replenishing, understanding our cycles, and knowing when it’s time to replenish.

Rather than assuming we can say yes to life and everyone and everything, we need to learn how to say no effectively, gracefully and with ease.

Rather than focusing on achievement all the time I’m going to invite you to start to focus on the journey.

Rather than having a linear perspective on your energy which is a very masculine paradigm or even mechanistic paradigm, it’s time we discovered the true power of our cyclical nature.

Doesn’t that feel different?

How to start when you’ve got no time

When you’re totally busy and swamped with tasks, getting the breathing space to rethink your approach is your number one priority.

If you’re feeling frazzled and run down, then the best place to start is by taking a look at the Overwhelm First Aid kit.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: Should I leave my job?

By

Jane Lewis

Dr Jane Lewis has over 20 years’ experience as a coach, including working as a career coach. She’s an ordained Interfaiths Minister and her passion is helping women find their purpose and direction, and then release the mental baggage that stops them achieving it. Twice a year she goes to Hawai’i to teach and study Huna – the spiritual, energetic and shamanistic practices of the ancient Hawai’ians. Find out more at https://secretartofhuna.com.

Latest posts by Jane Lewis (see all)

This is a guest blog by Dr Jane Lewis.

In my role as a Career Coach, I am often asked by clients, ‘Should I Leave My Job?’ It’s one of those questions to which the answer can often feel like ‘How Long Is A Piece Of String’, but in this blog, I’ll be sharing a few pointers to help you consider the question, should it be burning a hole in your brain just now.

Why you might want to leave your job

The first question I always ask clients is: why do you want to leave your job?

  • Because you’re unhappy?
  • You want to start your own business?
  • You aren’t paid enough?
  • The people are OK, and they don’t treat you badly, but it doesn’t really fire you up?
  • You’re not being given the opportunities you want?

Depending on the answer, my advice will change.

However, there are a few cases where the answer is fairly clear.

If you are thinking of leaving your job because you’re planning to set up your own business, my advice generally is to stay in your job until you’ve got your new business running and starting to pay you an income. Of course, that isn’t always possible, but financially it can make the transition so much easier.

If you feel you’re underpaid, or not being given the promotions and opportunities you deserve, then, assuming you are otherwise happy, the first step is to have a conversation with your boss.

At One of many we talk about ‘having a conversation from your Queen’: stepping in to your Queen powertype, and making your point in a drama-free, powerful fashion.

But what if you’re unhappy, or over-stressed or feeling demotivated?

One of the techniques I invite my clients to use is to identify their career values to see how far the job is satisfying those values.

Our values provide motivation at a very deep, unconscious level. If your career values aren’t being satisfied in your current job, then it is highly likely that you will struggle with motivation and with performing at your best.

Values are abstract, and they are the product of our life experience together with our early conditioning. So if your family put a high value on professionalism, you might well find you do the same.

Your values are key to making any big decision

One client of mine worked in an engineering environment where the money and benefits were OK, and the people were pleasant. The work was challenging, although it wasn’t exactly the area that my client enjoyed the most. It was all OK, but something was not quite right and my client couldn’t pin down what that was.

We did a value exercise and time with family came out in the top 5. The job involved a relatively long commute, and as a result of doing the exercise my client realised that this value was not being met, and this was the reason they were not content.

The client used their list of values as criteria for evaluating job adverts, and soon found a job nearer home, with less travel and more money. Within a year they had been promoted to Director, which was an unexpected bonus!

How to find your values

The process is as follows: ask yourself ‘what’s important to me about my career (or job)?’ You are looking for single words or very short phrases that you can’t put in a wheelbarrow. Abstract nouns; words like:

  • job-satisfaction
  • professionalism
  • growth
  • challenge
  • fun

Keep going until you have at least 8, but don’t worry if you end up with 15 or 16.

Once you have your list, put them in order of importance, based on the way things are right now. The most important values will be those on which you spend the most time and energy.

Then, looking at the top 5-8, for each value, ask yourself: ‘how far does my current job satisfy this value?’ You can use a scale of 1-10 or a percentage scale.

If your job doesn’t satisfy any of your values, or only satisfies a few values more or less, it may well be time to move, or at least have a serious conversation with your employers about how things need to change.

That’s the exact process I used with my client. It’s such a great tool for clarifying your thinking around your job options.

Need help making a big decision?

If you’d like some support to work through the system yourself, you can find a One of many certified coach trained in helping women explore their values using the online coach directory. Click here to find the right coach for you.

About Jane Lewis

Coach, Minister, Huna practitioner

Dr Jane Lewis has over 20 years’ experience as a coach, including working as a career coach. She’s an ordained Interfaiths Minister and her passion is helping women find their purpose and direction, and then release the mental baggage that stops them achieving it. Twice a year she goes to Hawai’i to teach and study Huna – the spiritual, energetic and shamanistic practices of the ancient Hawai’ians. Find out more at https://secretartofhuna.com.

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How coaching is different from mentoring

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The question came up just a couple of weeks ago in our One of many coaches group. One of our certified coaches had been approached by a colleague to provide some support – only, was it coaching they wanted, or mentoring? It got me reflecting on just how coaching is different from mentoring and why it’s so important that we get that distinction right.

Why we need to know how coaching is different from mentoring

At first glance, it might not seem like a massively important distinction. After all, if you’re looking to make progress in your career and need some wise counsel from someone else to do that, does it really matter what label you stick on it?

But there are lots of reasons why it’s really crucial that the distinction is clear from the outset of any relationship like this. Here are just 3:

  • Trust: Coaching and mentoring have different expectations around things like confidentiality and the scope of each session. It’s vital that both parties understand what’s being asked for – and offered – before they take part.
  • Payment: Coaching is a professional undertaking which usually requires payment. In many, though not all, professions mentoring is something offered for free by more senior individuals. For obvious reasons this is an area that it’s very important to have clarity around from the start!
  • Training: If you’re working with a coach, it’s reasonable to expect a certain level of professional training or significant experience; a mentor might not have formal training, but there will likely be certain pre-requisites of taking on this role.

Without clarity in these areas, any relationship can quickly become strained.

So how is coaching different from mentoring – and what should you be clear about from the start?

Here are 5 key areas the two can differ in – and some questions to ask before you start.

1. Coaching and mentoring have different goals

Typically, a coach will work with you towards an agreed goal. For example, you might want to focus on a particular ambition, like reaching a new level of financial growth in your business; getting clarity on your purpose; or improving a specific relationship, with your partner or your children for example. Within an organization, a coach might support you to reach a specific sales target or quarterly goal.

The purpose of mentoring is likely to be slightly different. Mentors tend to be more focused around career growth, often looking at a result that which the person mentoring has already achieved. They might support you with developing your leadership, managing a team, or writing a book. Often (though not always) the goal will be less specific, and the relationship more open-ended, than a coaching one.

Questions to ask: What’s the purpose of this relationship? How will we know when we get there? At what points will we review that goal?

2. Coaching and mentoring require different training

One of many coach Jane Lewis noted this important distinction:

“Generally a mentor is an expert in your mutual field; usually more expert and often better connected than you. A coach may know much or nothing about your field. Typically a mentor may be more directive BUT both – if they are any good- will demonstrate devoted listening skills, and great questioning ability.”

Jane’s touched on an important point here, which is that good mentors and coaches often have overlapping skills and even experience – both may be successful, good listeners, and have an aptitude for helping others to grow.

However, coaching is a distinct skillset in itself, and one which can be trained in specifically. Coaches use specific tools to help activate growth and empower you to take control of a particular area of growth.

A mentor, on the other hand, may simply be able to provide advice through virtue of their experience so far. That can be just as valuable, so long as you’re clear about what they can and can’t offer.

Questions to ask: What training have you completed? What kinds of strategies have you used to help other people? Will you be using these tools to help me reach my goal?

3. Coaching and mentoring cost different amounts

This is one of the most important differences to be clear on from the start, whether you are the person being coached or the one giving the support!

The expectations of mentorship vary greatly in different professions and organizations. In some, senior roles come with the expectation that mentoring less experienced colleagues is part of the equation. In others, mentorship is considered something to be paid for.

Coaching, by contrast, is more often expected to be paid for – if not by the person receiving it, then by the organization who have arranged the coaching. If you’re at all unsure then make sure you ask this question clearly.

And if you’re the person charging for the sessions, then needless to say you must make certain you have the clear understanding and agreement of the person you’re coaching before you begin.

Questions to ask: What is the expectation around payment? If I’m paying, what is included in the cost?

4. Coaching and mentoring take place over different timescales

There are no hard and fast rules here. But mentoring is more likely to be an open-ended or fluctuating arrangement, whereas coaching packages often last for a set length of time, and have sessions of a fixed length – typically one hour.

You might meet every quarter with a mentor to receive “big picture” advice on your career, and fortnightly with your coach for specific support around a goal.

Or a mentor might invite you to stop in for a quick chat whenever you have a query, or want to get their thoughts on a project, whereas your coach might set you tasks to complete in between fixed sessions.

Whichever is true for you, be sure to ensure that you leave space to review the arrangement, so that everyone’s clear about what will happen if things change, and when you’re finished working together.

Questions to ask: How many sessions will we have? How long will they last for? How will we know when it’s time to finish working together?

5. Coaching and mentoring ask different things of you

Coaching often involves significant transformation. It requires a level of trust on the part of both parties and a real commitment to growth on the part of the person being coached.

Mentoring, on the other hand, can be more about developing your skills within a specific profession. While calling on you to grow, there may be less of a personal growth focus and more attention paid to your abilities in practice.

Questions to ask: What’s expected of me in this relationship? What can I expect of you? What do we think will be the outcome of our work together?

Every relationship is unique

Mentoring and coaching are both hugely valuable processes – and both are relationships based on trust. As you can tell, although there are “rules of thumb” when it comes to expectations there are key areas where they can overlap, and so it’s really important to make sure expectations on both sides are clear before you start.

If you find yourself providing advice or guidance to other women, and are keen to develop your skills and gain clarity around how you can best support them, then take a look at the free online training:

“The Secret to Coaching Women: This Controversial Approach Will Transform the Results You Get With Your Team, Your Clients and Yourself.”

Click here to register and we’ll email you full details to access it.

It contains what I’ve found to be the “missing piece” of most coaching methodologies – and whether you’re a coach, manager or leader I think you’ll find the tools I share really helpful.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What does professional coaching certification actually do?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

There are some industries where qualifications really matter. As a med school graduate, I’m definitely happy knowing that doctors have been through the rigours of that particular training before they’re let loose on patients. And yet whatever industry you’re in, there’s almost certainly some training that’s not compulsory, but looks tempting. In the coaching world, there’s no requirement for any training before setting up a practice. So what does professional coaching certification actually do? 

And how can it make a difference to your career?

The points I’m about to list take professional coaching certification as an example, but the truth is they apply to you whatever area you’re thinking of getting more qualified in.

Lots of us find ourselves wishing we felt more confident in our abilities, and extra training can seem like a tempting way to get that approval. But if it doesn’t make a real difference, it can be an expensive and time-consuming way to find yourself back where you started. So, before you invest, weigh up the pros and cons:

What professional coaching certification does

Professional coaching certification can give you confidence

“Imposter syndrome” is the name for feelings of shame or inadequacy when you don’t feel good enough, despite evidence to the contrary.

It’s not to be confused with those very valid feelings of uncertainty when you’re starting something new – after all, beginners in any area have a lot to learn, and it’s natural not to feel like an expert straight away.

When it includes feedback from experienced practitioners, certification allows you to understand where your ability falls.

When you’ve been assessed by a trainer, you’ll know whether your core competence is up to scratch and which areas you need to work on, so you can focus your energy accordingly. Instead of going round in circles worrying you might be less competent than you feel, you’ll be confident in what you can do and what you need to learn – so you can concentrate on building your experience.

Professional coaching certification can give you peers

We all love to “talk shop”. Whether it’s mums in the school playground or lawyers after a big case, letting off steam and comparing experiences with others helps enrich our practice and reassure us that we’re not alone.

You can always reach out to others in a similar industry. But completing training with a cohort of peers is unique, because of the connection it brings to others who have experienced what you have.

Think about how many women stay in touch with their peers from pre-natal classes, or the friendships we make at school or university.

Learning together is a bonding experience, and one which can be a powerful support to you as your career grows.

Professional coaching certification can give you tools

When it comes to coaching, or any other industry where you’re legally able to practice without any mandatory qualification, such as yoga, certification has a specific role.

It gives you a framework of tools to draw on with clients, and to guide them to achieve specific outcomes. It also allows you to know who you can work with most effectively, and what kinds of results they can expect, because you’re using techniques that have been tried and tested by thousands of other people.

Without it, however naturally gifted you are you’re more likely to find yourself in a situation where you’re not sure what best practice is. And that can be especially tricky if you don’t have a support network or mentor to lean on for advice.

…. And what it doesn’t

Professional coaching certification can’t give you clients

People want to know what outcomes they’ll achieve from working with you. So it’s true that being able to walk prospective clients through a structured program, or talk about the tools you’ll use is definitely an advantage.

And there’s no doubt that if your business takes off, coaching can be a lucrative and fulfilling career, as well as one with exceptional potential for choosing your own style of work.

But when it comes to setting prices, building a referral network and growing a business, coaching certification is no magic bullet. The same goes for getting qualified as a yoga teacher or desginer. If you’re investing in training because you think that having your own business is a ticket to limitless wealth, it’s time to have an honest chat with your training provider about how realistic your expectations are.

Professional coaching certification can’t give you a guarantee

Just as your paycheck isn’t guaranteed by your coaching certification, the kind of experience you’ll have after getting certified as a coach is never set in stone.

If you’re someone who’s motivated by getting approval from others, you probably thrive in a learning environment, but may find yourself becoming anxious about the uncertainty of the future when you finish. Just having a certificate is certainly not a guarantee of what the future will hold for you (hint: there’s no such thing!)

The good news is, if coaching is your thing then many professional coaching certification programs offer you the chance to be coached as part of your learning. It’s one reason why our graduates rave about the residential intensive they complete.

So while courage isn’t guaranteed, and there’s no fail-safe way to know that coaching will deliver everything you want it to, you may find a sense of renewed trust in yourself and your ability to navigate the future is a happy side-effect of your training.

Professional coaching certification can’t give you permission

This is a big one for lots of us. Many women are raised to feel that we need to have “permission” to be seen, to speak up, and to make a differencein the world.

If you find you’re constantly in a cycle of finding your new passion, completing training, and then not quite turning it into action, it may well be that certification or an extra qualification isn’t your next step.

Instead, it might be time to do some 1:1 work with a coach so that you can find out what you’re really seeking, before you make a big decision to invest.

You can find a One of many certified coach near you by looking at our coaching directory.

The most important question:

What are you really looking for?

So before you make an investment in training of any kind, think about what you’re really looking for. Are you looking to gain skills, network with your peers, boost your business, or find a mentor?

Use that as the starting point for your conversations with your training provider.

Whether you’ve trained as a coach, set up a practice without qualifying, or completed advanced training in a different field of work, we’d love to know your experience. Has it made a difference and was it the one you expected? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you’re curious about what makes the One of many approach different, you might want to watch a free online training I’ve recorded: The secret to coaching women. Just click here to register. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Do you fear getting in trouble?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Written down, it can sound a bit nuts. You’re a fully grown, capable, intelligent woman, after all. And yet, in the back of your mind, it’s there – a fear of getting in trouble of some kind, whether with a boss, client, colleague or even family member.

If you dread the thought of being on the receiving end of criticism, or being told you’ve let people down, here are a few things to help you move forward.

Is a fear of getting in trouble the same as imposter syndrome?

“Imposter syndrome” is the name given to a tendency to feel inadequate or not good enough, despite evidence to the contrary.

It’s often described as a feeling that you’re going to be “found out” – as though despite your glowing appraisals, stellar results and fantastic rapport with your team, one day you’ll somehow be revealed for being a fraud.

Ironically, imposter syndrome tends to be more prevalent in high-achieving individuals. It was first identified in 1985, when Dr Susan Clance identified 6 potential characteristics of what she termed “Imposter phenomenon”

  1. The Impostor Cycle
  2. The need to be special or to be the very best
  3. Superman/Superwoman aspects – setting impossibly high standards in every area of our lives
  4. Fear of failure,
  5. Denial of competence and Discounting praise, and
  6. Fear and guilt about success

So a fear of “getting into trouble” may well be a sign that you’re experiencing “Imposter syndrome” at some level. And that can lead to stress, anxiety and guilt, all of which impact your physical and emotional wellbeing, and that of those around you.

If you’re experiencing intense psychological distress, or finding yourself really struggling with these kinds of emotions, it’s important to reach out and ask for help. Talk to your GP or a trusted friend about getting professional support to help you get back on track.

But if you’re, like so many women, functioning pretty well day-to-day and just want to free yourself from that nagging self-doubt or looming sense of failure, read on.

Here are 3 ways to break free of the fear of getting in trouble, so you can have the impact you’re here to have.

3 ways to overcome a fear of getting in trouble

1. Find your Queen

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are a simple way to connect to different “versions” of yourself, without losing what makes you unique. The Queen is the PowerType whose behaviour is rooted in her knowledge that her power is hers by birthright. She doesn’t need to prove herself or pass a test. And no one would dare to question her wisdom or her decisions.

Ways to get into your “Queen” PowerType might include moving physically as though you’re wearing a crown and robes. It might sound a bit silly, but give it a try – rolling your shoulders back and lifting your neck can have a surprising impact on how you feel about potential criticism.

Music can be another great way to tap into the PowerTypes. What music might you associate with a regal attitude – a beautiful classical piece? Something upbeat and empowering?

The Queen doesn’t abuse her power, so this isn’t about becoming arrogant. Rather, it’s about accepting that criticism or feedback is something you can take wise counsel from, and leave the rest. It’s information that you can use to inform your future actions, without doubting your magnificence or the intention with which you made past decisions. After all, the queen always acts for the good of her realm.

2. Set boundaries

If fear of getting in trouble is something that’s creeping into your downtime or impacting your ability to relax, it might be time to set some boundaries around causes of stress.

If you work in a high-pressured environment where mistakes can be critical, it’s natural for you to want to avoid making them. What’s problematic is if you notice yourself feeling anxious when you’re at home, playing with your kids.

It might be time to set some boundaries around, say, when you’re available for calls or when you’ll check your work email. Deleting your email from your phone might help you to draw clearer lines between when you’re “on” and when you’re unplugged.

Or you might choose to set some boundaries with someone whose feedback can cause you to wobble. Perhaps you want to arrange a weekly meeting with a colleague so they can feed back on your project, instead of receiving emails throughout the week requesting small changes.

If setting boundaries is something you find challenging, we have a free guide that has helped hundreds of other women learn how to do so gracefully and without drama. It’s called Enough is Enough: How to Gracefully Set Unshakeable Boundaries. You can download it for free by clicking here.

3. Be your own mother

A fear of getting into trouble is often something we first feel as children. From a Women’s PowerTypes perspective, it can be wonderfully empowering to connect to the aspect of yourself that has the characteristics of Mother. You don’t have to have children to feel these.

A healthy Mother loves her children unconditionally, cares about their wellbeing, and nurtures and delights in all they do. Even when those she cares about make mistakes, she sweeps them up in her all-encompassing love, reassuring them that she’s there for them even as they learn and grow.

If you find yourself slipping into a fear of getting into trouble, try connecting to your Mother instincts and giving yourself that sense of unconditional approval.

You might want to journal around that; perhaps writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of a kind, loving mother. How can you make yourself feel safe and held?

Many of us rush through our days without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, or thinking about how we can take care of themselves.

Try asking yourself what you need, as though you were caring gently for a toddler. Are you tired, thirsty, or hungry? How is it understandable to be feeling what you’re feeling, and what might help you to feel better?

Your fear can be your strength

It’s not always comfortable to acknowledge our fears, but sharing them is a powerful way to find support and discover that you’re really not alone.

And if you worry that one day you’ll really fall flat on your face, take solace in these words from JK Rowling.

“You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

And you certainly don’t have to navigate this stuff by yourself.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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“I feel stuck” – 3 things to try

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’ve found yourself saying “I feel stuck” when it comes to a particular area of your life, it’s usually a sign that it’s time to take a closer look at what’s going on.

Yes, there are times when we can feel as though we’re going round in circles – I’ll always be single, I’ll never get a break – and then BAM! You bump into the man (or woman) of your dreams on a crowded train. Or you get headhunted by your dream firm for the role that feels like it was made for you.

But more often than not, if you find yourself at a place where you feel as though you’re stuck, the route out of it involves a little more conscious effort on your part. It’s often a sign that you’ve come up against a recurring block or pattern that it’s time you figured out once and for all.

If you feel stuck, here’s where to start

Bring to mind an area of your life where you’re feeling blocked or challenged right now. It might not be at crisis point, but it’s not thriving or growing either. You’re treading water or going in circles – it feels like you’re stuck.

For Amanda, owner of an editing business, it was her work where she was really starting to feel that things weren’t working.

“I wanted to have more of an impact, and to feel like I knew where I was going. I felt like if I slowed down, everything would fall apart – but I wasn’t going anywhere.”

Can you relate? I know I’ve had times where I’ve really felt like a bit of a “husk”– as though I’d somehow lost the juicy, energised feeling that comes when you’re connected to your calling. For entrepreneurs, that can be deadly. We need to be able to connect to a vision that enables us to get energised and creative; that will allow us to innovate and flex our businesses to meet the demands of the marketplace.

And it can happen in other areas of your life, too. Maybe your relationship’s starting to feel really stale. You’re not fighting but you’re not exactly tearing each other’s clothes off, either.

Or you’re managing your kids, but not having the kind of fun you’d like to. Coursework and teenage arguments have taken over family play times.

Whatever it is you’re stuck with, here are 3 powerful questions to ask if you find yourself feeling stuck.

Saying “I feel stuck”? Try these 3 things

  1. Ask yourself if you’re living in line with your values

One of the foundational elements of our BePowerful course is an exercise where we discover our values. It’s such an important thing to do, identifying what really matters most to you.

If you haven’t done it before, try scanning the books on your shelf – they’ll often reveal what you’re willing to spend time and energy on.

Getting clear on your values can reveal some surprising things. For example, in Amanda’s case she found that a couple of her values were in conflict. This is something a lot of us find, and it can lead to a “stuck” feeling when we find ourselves “pulled” in opposite directions.

“On my coaching call, we talked about one of the conflicts that had come up. I really wanted stability for my family, but I also wanted to be able to take risks and do things differently. So I started this little online makeup business. It’s just fun. And I’d never have done this before. It’s made me connect with so many people and have fun with it, and explore my creativity – I would never have done any of that.”

Figure out what your values are, and ask yourself if there are any that are moving in opposite directions. Maybe you’re craving adventure, but you also really value security, and you’ve ended up turning into a homebody.

How can you incorporate more of your values into your life? Can you find an outlet for any values that aren’t currently being met?

2. Do you need to do some inner work?

Amanda traced her stuckness back to a far more serious challenge she’d faced a few years previously.

“I’d got burned out a couple of years ago, and ended up with depression and anxiety. When I started BePowerful I’d recovered enough to start thinking about the future.

I’m the kind of person who reads everything. I’m always trying to learn and know more. And after being depressed, I just knew I had to start taking care of myself – especially because everyone was dependent on me.

The course really opened my eyes to the fact that, while I love the business – as editors for educational publishers we do a good job, we’re helping the next generation to learn – I’ve been doing it for a long time. And I’d lost some of my enthusiasm.

I knew what I needed to do, but I never really had the tools to do it. I’ve never been one for meditation and that kind of thing, but it’s so useful. Just listening to the meditations, some really surprising things came up. It’s been amazing. My mindset now is completely different.”

Like Amanda, a lot of us have an inkling that it’s time to explore some of what’s going on beneath the surface – and yet it can be hard to know exactly how to do that in a way that’s structured and sustainable.

Perhaps you’d like to explore 1:1 coaching so that you can work through what comes up with a trained professional.

When you’re feeling “stuck” it’s an ideal opportunity to investigate some of your subconscious blocks or inherited patterns. As Amanda realized, times of extreme burnout or depression aren’t the best time to begin doing the work of changing your mindset. But if you’ve come out of a challenging time and can’t seem to get your mojo back, getting some outside support could be the answer.

3. Are you in victim mode?

Amanda was really motivated to find some way to tap back into her proactivity. As the main breadwinner in her family, she had a powerful incentive to turn things around.

But for some of us, that path isn’t quite as clear. Instead of looking for extra support or seeking to educate ourselves about how we can change our behaviours, we can find ourselves sinking into “victim” mode. Signs you’re adopting a victim mindset include:

  • Feeling that you’re not ‘good’ enough or ‘intelligent’ (or smart, or thin, or, or…) to change your situation – everyone else can do it, just not you.
  • Blaming everyone around you for the things you want to change
  • Telling yourself that you’re being silly for wanting more, and you should just be happy that you have the things you do

Victim is one of the disempowering archetypes that many women find themselves in. It can be exceptionally hard to find your way out of it by yourself, so if you feel as though “victim” is sapping your strength do reach out to a coach to see if she can provide you with some support – or connect with our Facebook group to find free support from our community.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Can you do coaching certification online?

By

Annie Stoker

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many
Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.
Annie Stoker

Latest posts by Annie Stoker (see all)

If you’ve decided that you want to become a coach you’re probably already excited about making powerful transformation a bigger part of the work you do in the world. Naturally you’re curious about how certification works – can you do coaching certification online? Do you need to choose a residential course? And what do you need to be aware of when choosing a coaching training program?

No two coaches are the same

Every coach embarks on their journey to certification with a totally unique background, set of experiences, and motivation.

You might be planning to add coaching tools to your existing work as a manager or a leader in a corporate setting. You’re confident that coaching is going to be the missing piece when it comes to radically shifting the results that are possible – in an environment that brings the very best out of the people you work with.

Or maybe you’re ready to go it alone. You want to set up your own business and run it exactly how you want to you – perhaps offer coaching sessions via Skype or phone from your home, and you’re wondering if you could do the certification process remotely too.
Here are some things to consider when choosing the coaching certification that’s right for you.

Coaching certification online

The beauty of technology means that these days it’s perfectly possible to undertake coaching training online from anywhere in the world.

Profound transformation can take place over video call; you can observe coaching sessions and receive feedback on your own practice remotely; and trainers can answer questions, provide support and help you reflect on challenges from anywhere in the world.

Advantages

  • Convenient no matter where you are or how easy it is for you to travel: if you’ve got an internet connection, you’re good to go
  • If you’re planning on coaching remotely, it makes sense to complete your training in the same format
  • You can choose the training provider that’s right for you regardless of their location

Disadvantages

  • If you’re on the other side of the world, timezones can be an issue – always check the times of live components to make sure you don’t miss out
  • If you never meet your peers or teachers face to face, it can take longer to develop rapport
  • Completing certification from your own environment means you’ll need to be disciplined about creating the appropriate space to learn

Coaching certification in-person

In a world that’s ever more connected digitally, face-to-face interaction has a unique quality. It feels richer and more potent than ever. The connection we feel and the learning we’re able to experience when we’re physically present has a very different quality to it. And the very act of travelling to a different location can help facilitate an even deeper learning experience.

So what are the pros and cons of completing your coaching certification in person?

Advantages

  • If you’re going to be coaching in person, for example of part of managing the team, having training that takes into account your body language and presentation is invaluable
  • No need to worry about creating an appropriate place to learn – that’s all taken care of for you
  • If you’re a kinaesthetic learner, in person training is likely to match your learning style better
  • The intense nature of setting aside back to back training days, means lessons can be integrated more deeply without the interruption of every-day life
  • You’ll make closer friends with your cohort of trainees- people who will be your peer support group as you venture into your new profession or role

Disadvantages

  • There may be additional costs for travel and accommodation
  • Your choice of training provider will be limited by your ability to travel
  • Your time commitment may need to be greater

What about a blend of the two?

Finally, there is the option of undertaking a certification which blends online and off-line components. This means you get to combine some of the advantages of both virtual and live courses. For example, we teach much of our own coaching certification remotely – allowing our trainees to observe coaching sessions, experience coaching, and be mentored on their practice.

Our five day intensive, on the other hand, is held in person and live. It’s when our coaching trainees come together in person to experience deep transformation and connect with their peers and our trainers in real life. At the moment it’s not an experience we think can be replicated online, meaning our global trainees travel to the UK to experience that part of the training. (They’ve flown to the UK from Australia, New Zealand, the Netherlands, Kuwait, Switzerland, Germany and the USA so far!)

Advantages

  • Different learning styles will suit different teaching methods, and you’ll get to experience the full range
  • Learning how to coach both in person and online will give you an insight into the differences each format brings to your coaching practice
  • Travel costs and time commitment will be significantly reduced if you can complete part of the training at home
  • A live component will allow you to connect more deeply with your training provider and your fellow students meaning your post-graduation support network is profound
  • Virtual spaces to learn and connect with trainers and peers can support you wherever you are in the world, no matter where your coaching takes you!

Disadvantages

  • You’ll still be responsible for some travel, and possibly accommodation
  • Dates for live elements are likely to be planned well in advance, and might not be flexible
  • Connections that are made in person may have to be maintained online depending on your proximity to the other trainees

However you do it, coaching training is transformational

When you train as a coach, you’re learning how to use tools and techniques that can create huge transformation for people.

During coach training you not only learn to work with these tools with your prospective clients, but you also experience what it’s like to receive coaching yourself.

So it’s important you choose the environment that is right for you, and which fits with both your learning style and the vision you have for your future coaching practice.

If you’re trying to make a decision about which coaching certification to choose right now and would like to talk through what’s available with a member of our team we’d be really happy to help. Just click here to contact us and we’ll be in touch to arrange the best time for a call.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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5 ways to give effective presentations

By

Cath Daley

Cath Daley

In-house Coach at One of many
Cath is one of our Certified Coaches on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes. Cath’s passion is helping women to tap into their natural feminine talents to be extraordinary leaders and compelling speakers.
Cath Daley

Latest posts by Cath Daley (see all)

This blog is by Cath Daley, one of our Certified Coaches on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes. Cath’s passion is helping women to tap into their natural feminine talents to be extraordinary leaders and compelling speakers. And today, she’s addressing a thorny issue for any of us called to stand in front of a crowd.

Are women worse at presenting than men?

The answer is yes.

Why?….. because we think we are.

And it happens at all levels.

Several years ago I was at a business conference and went to hear the female CEO of a global private bank speak because it was so unusual (and still is!) to see a woman in that role and wanted to hear what she had to say.

She was introduced by a man called John and the first thing she said was “I’m sorry, I’m not as good a speaker as John so you’ll have to bear with me”. This set the bar really low because John wasn’t actually very good.

I have never yet heard a man begin his speaking slot with that sort of apology but over the years have heard many versions of that from women.

From my experience men are more likely to assess they are better than they are and tend to blag it whereas most women are likely to assess they are worse than they are and avoid it.

And it can have a knock-on effect on your leadership. Many women leaders are brilliant at what they do but miss opportunities to be more visible and gain more professional credibility as leaders because they don’t volunteer to present or avoid speaking to groups or get others to do it for them. Men get nervous too but they don’t self- sabotage in the same way women do.

So how do women self-sabotage?

1. Through Self- talk

Presenting is one of those areas where Impostor Syndrome and the Inner Critic kick in big time.

When you are put in the spotlight it can be scary – even the thought of it can trigger those negative emotions and patterns of behaviour and that’s when the self- talk starts…..

“The part of me that’s hidden away may be on display…. and I’m not good enough!”

“I know I’ll forget what I’m talking about and then I’ll look stupid”

“What if I go red? That will be so embarrassing”

“Everyone will be looking at me and I don’t look good/am too fat/ have got wrinkles etc”

“Why would anyone want to listen to me or what I have to say?”……

And although men occasionally suffer from this, as women we let it gnaw away at our self- esteem and self-confidence to a much greater extent.

2. By our body language

When you lack confidence internally it will be reflected in the way you stand and although you want to appear confident you will give yourself away.

Many women stand with their arms crossed over the body and one foot crossed over the other. We often tilt the head or touch our hair and these unconscious gestures and this body language communicate “little girl” which makes you look small and unimposing.

And this has a knock-on effect on your state as well. Research by Amy Cuddy, of the Harvard Business School, has found that a woman’s body language has a profound impact on her body chemistry. And it becomes a vicious circle because the “little-girl” stance elevates the stress hormone, cortisol, making you feel even less confident.

And one of the biggest causes of the “little girl” stance is wearing very high heels!

They may be fashionable but they add to the self-sabotage.

If you stand for any length of time when wearing very high heels you probably end up crossing one foot over the other because it’s more stable and comfortable that way and it stops you wobbling. But the consequence is that this undermines your authority because the “little girl” stance can be perceived as very defensive and it indicates a lack of confidence and you come across as shy and insignificant.

So when wearing very high heels the choice is between wobbling and looking defensive neither of which enhances your presence as a speaker.

3. Through the language we use

In her book “The Language of Female Leadership” Dr. Judith Baxter, a linguistics expert from Aston University in the UK, asks whether language is a reason why women in business are under-represented at senior levels of leadership.

She found that women are more self-deprecating and try to avoid conflict. She goes on to say that “It may be seen as a bit of weakness on the part of women, because you are not playing the game in the same way” and this can have a detrimental effect on how women are perceived as successful leaders.

Women often tend to soften their statements by using qualifiers which limit a word or phrase e.g. “I just thought,” “ I’ll try to get it done by Tuesday” or “this might be a better way” and this undermines your authority.

Qualifiers dilute your message and reduce your impact.

So what can women do instead?

Tip 1

Make friends with your Inner Critic and dispel Impostor Syndrome. If you’re part of the BeOne community, you can listen to the Softpower casts on Impostor Syndrome and Inner Critic to help you do this. (Not a member yet? It’s free to join, and you get access to lots of free resources: click here for access).

Tip 2

Leave the very high heels at home! Instead wear the size of heel that you can comfortably stand in for hours.

Tip 3

Instead of adopting the ”little girl” stance practise standing like a Queen for presenting. That calm and grace convey a sense of authority, and a Queen always has great inner confidence.

Tip 4

Avoid using quantifiers like these……

Try
Maybe
Possibly
Perhaps…
With luck…
Might
Hope to …
Would like to…?
I suppose …

Tip 5

Being able to present well is a skill like any other. If you feel that you need to develop your skills then make sure you get some great presentation skills training.

Many presentations skills training courses are based around acting skills and will teach you how to “perform”. In my experience they don’t work well from a leadership or a business perspective because you can come across as inauthentic so make sure that the course teaches you how to be confident being yourself when presenting.

Women are fantastic at presenting when we learn to stop the self-sabotage – and that’s easy when you know how!

Cath Daley: How to make effective presentationsCath is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Cath, and how you can work with her, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When you feel like you’re failing

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Do you ever feel like a total failure? Whether it’s messing up as a mum or dropping the ball on a key work target, when you feel like you’re failing it can be tough to pick yourself up and keep going.

And yet failure can actually be an incredibly powerful tool for growth. What makes the difference is how you look at it – and what you allow the experience to teach you.

Here are 5 ways to rethink failure

1. Are you really failing at all?

Successful women have a tendency to be really hard on ourselves. We have high standards, sure, but sometimes wanting to do things well can tip into “Superwoman” mode.

Superwoman doesn’t just set the bar high, she demands nothing less than perfection – even when it’s impossible.

If you’ve just got back from a fraught day at work, supported a team member who’s going through a really difficult divorce, met some vital deadlines, and cooked yourself a healthy meal – are you really a failure because you didn’t make it to the gym?

If your failure stems from being worn out, depleted or burnt out, it’s time to take care of yourself.

Delegate. Order a takeway. Get an early night. The world won’t end, I promise. And once you’re in a better place, get realistic about everything you’ve been doing. Perhaps it’s a case of managing your own expectations, rather than writing yourself off as a hopeless case.

But let’s say you’ve rested, nourished yourself, and it’s still there in black and white: you’ve failed at something you set out to do. What then? Time for step two…

2. What have you learned about what you CAN do?

Arianna Huffington is a roaring success by most people’s standards, and she’s been really open about the mistakes and missteps she’s made along the way. In a 2013 interview she explained how she consciously frames failure in a way that allows her to grow and take risks.

“In own life, a key component of whatever successes I’ve had has been what I’ve learned from my failures. When I ran for governor of California in 2003, it was a failure—but I learned a tremendous amount about the power of the internet.

I also learned a lot about myself, about communicating, being able to touch people’s hearts and minds, and listening. All the things that were ingrained in me during the campaign definitely had an impact in forming Huffington Post.”—Inc, 2013

Almost every failure contains some lessons about what you can do well. Maybe your first foray into event planning was a total bust. Turned out you’d forgotten some key details, totally underestimated the catering, and felt super stressed all day.

On the other hand, you might have loved the process of spreading the word about the meetup, sharing on social media, and planning the overall theme of the event.

What does that tell you about where your strengths are? What can you choose to focus on as you move forward?

3. What have you learned about what you can let go of?

The other big lesson “failures” can teach us is that we’re on the wrong path. It’s easy to get sucked into an idealistic version of what a new thing might be like.

Take starting a business – if you’re in the corporate world it might seem like a dream come true to be able to set your own hours, choose your clients and have full control over your income.

And yet when you do set out on your own, there are all sorts of other realities. The loneliness of working from home when you’re used to being surrounded by colleagues. The responsibility of setting your own strategy and targets, and then having to make sure everything gets done – from accounts to tech support. The lack of boundaries between work and the rest of your life.

Failure is a wonderful opportunity to find out if it’s time to adjust and find a different course. And the relief of deciding “that’s not for me”, instead of beating yourself up for not being instantly great at something, really is priceless.

4. What’s this failure making space for?

This mindset shift is a really powerful one.

One thing I’ve learned about failure is this: you can trust in life that if the thing you hoped hasn’t worked out like you planned, it’s usually because life has something much bigger and better in store.

When you take action, you begin to build connections and flow in an infinite number of ways. You become visible, you connect to new and different opportunities, and you strengthen your ability to take action, try things out, and make changes.

To take that last example, maybe you decide that self-employment isn’t for you. But when you started your business, you went to a bunch of networking events and met some really interesting people. One of them reaches out to you via LinkedIn because they’ve got the perfect opportunity for you in an organization you’d never heard of before then.

Failure isn’t an end point. It’s a door to something different – and you have to move through it if you’re going to get there. Which leads me to a question you might not have thought about before.

5. How can you celebrate this failure?

When you’re stinging from criticism, or churning over a mistake again and again in your mind, celebrating what’s gone wrong might be the furthest thing from your mind.

But overcoming failure is often a major precursor to our greatest successes. The only way to avoid failure is never to try anything new; never to step outside what’s comfortable and easy. And that’s never going to allow you to make the difference you’re here to make in the world.

“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. Doing what you’re afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that – that’s what life is. You might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that’s really special and if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. Now you know something about yourself”

― Amy Poehler

Whether you’ve learned something about what you love to do, or just gained some incredible clarity about what you’ll never attempt again, celebrate the fact that you tried. You’ve learned. And instead of saying safe, you’ve put yourself out there into the world. If that’s not worth celebrating, I don’t know what is.

What’s your relationship with failure?

How do you feel about failure? Are you pretty comfortable picking yourself up and getting back on track, or does the prospect of failure leave you paralysed? Let us know in the comments below – I have a hunch this is a bigger fear than a lot of us admit, and I’d love to know your take.

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