One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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How to stop feeling guilty

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

All of us feel guilt at some time or another. But if you think that guilt’s a purely negative thing that you ought to be avoiding at all costs, pause. I believe that guilt can actually be an incredibly useful emotion, and if we learn what it’s trying to tell us we can absolutely learn how to stop feeling guilty, as well.

As a mother, it feels that guilt is almost something that’s inbuilt into my life – so you’ll have to excuse me if this blog is a bit mum-centric as I share my personal experience. Because guilt’s absolutely not a feeling that’s limited to mothers.

Whether it’s an awareness of our impact on the environment, the amount of time we spend with our partners, our choices about what we eat or how we behave, there are plenty of things to potentially feel guilty about in the modern world.

So how on earth can this actually be something that’s helpful to us?

Guilt: a personal story

When my first child, James, was born, I was fortunate to be able to take a big chunk of time off. So the classic “Mum guilt” didn’t have such an impact on me. But when our second child, Rosie, came along, that all changed.

As our vision has evolved over the past few years, I’ve fallen more and more deeply in love with this work and our amazing community. More than just a job, this is my soul calling – my true purpose in the world. So when Rosie was born I knew one thing to be true: I didn’t want to stop working with One of many just at the point where it felt our mission was really gathering momentum.

That means my work has grown alongside my family. Rosie’s been coming along with me to events since she was 5 weeks old. Of course, I made some changes to accommodate my needs as a new mum, but halting my contribution to the team completely just wouldn’t have felt right.

And there you have it, the perfect recipe for guilt: two children for whom I am the sun, moon and stars, and a business that I’m absolutely clear is my soul purpose.

James is old enough now to be able to ask me outright: “Why do you have to go to work today – why can’t you pick me up from school?” Cue the guilt!

Don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am. For so many mums, doing the school pickup is never an option, let alone being able to work from home and spend time together during holidays and breaks.

And then there are mums like our team’s amazing Wendy, who almost lost her life after the birth of her third child. Seriously ill, it just wasn’t possible for her to be there in the way she wanted to for her newborn baby – and yet the guilt was still there!

Whether you’re a mum or not, I don’t think guilt is something any of us can escape from experiencing, but it’s really important we pay attention to it: and here’s why.

Why guilt can be so destructive

If we find ourselves doing guilt a lot, it’s often because we’ve slipped into the disempowering archetype of the Martyr. This is often associated with the role of mother, whether or not or you have children. If that sounds confusing – being a Mother when you don’t have kids? – let me explain.

In our Women’s PowerTypes™ tool, Mother is one of the powerful roles that all of us women can choose to step into. Along with Warrioress, Queen, Sorceress and Lover, it’s a PowerType we can draw on from time to time.

Regardless of whether or not you have children of your own, Mother is our nurturing, compassionate, deeply loving side that sees the best in everyone and is always there to offer comfort and support.

It’s also an aspect that, when over-expressed, can slip into feeling guilty, and ultimately become the Martyr, endlessly exhausting herself in the service of others.

When guilt become destructive

It can be tempting to try and fight feelings of guilt with more action. To take another example, perhaps you feel guilty about not spending enough time with your friends – and book in drinks on an evening when you’ve already done a full day of work, made dinner and done all the evening chores at home. You meet your friend feeling tired, ratty, and utterly uninterested in hearing the latest saga in her ongoing feud with a colleague.

That’s when guilt can lead to resentment, and start to become really destructive in our relationships. We start telling ourselves that everyone else gets attention before we do, and forget the importance of really giving to ourselves.

So why do we feel guilt?

If we can’t get rid of guilt by doing more, what’s the solution?

The whole issue of guilt starts to make a lot more sense when we get to the bottom of the real reason we feel guilty.

Guilt is an emotion that prompts us to take a look at whether we’re really living according to our values.

So, when you feel it, the important thing to do is to stop. If you know what your values are, you can do a quick check in – are you living in alignment with them right now? If the answer’s yes, you know you can let go of that guilt.

For me, I know that self-expression is a really high value for me. Contributing through my work is the impact I am here on this planet to make, and so I’m able to recognize that, although my instincts as a mother create feelings of guilt from time to time, they’re not something I need to hold on to.

How to let go of guilt

If you’re clear you’re living up to your values, and yet you’re still finding it really hard to release any guilty feelings that come up, it might be a sign that you’re hanging on to an emotion from the past that it’s time to let go of.

That might even include guilt you’ve inherited from someone else. If your own mother felt a lot of guilt, you might have been brought up hearing things like “it’s selfish to think about yourself”.

In our members area we have free resources to help you release emotions, including guilt, which might be holding you back. You can click here to join our community and get access to all of them, including a free audio recording all about emotions and how to manage them.

Guilt and you

Guilt’s such a common emotion that it’s really important we gain the understanding we need of why it occurs and what we can do to shift it.

Whether it’s taking the time to look after yourself – so your Mother doesn’t slip into Martyr – or dealing with residual emotions that are no longer serving you, addressing guilt is a powerful way to create change in your life.

And the effect on those around you, if guilt is something that’s been a big presence in your life, can be immense.

How about you? Does guilt play a big part in your life, or is it something you’re pretty confident you know how to handle? Share your experience in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Why is burnout more common in the helping professions?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

You’ve probably heard of burnout – if you haven’t suffered from it yourself, you’ll no doubt know someone who has. It’s especially common among those in caring roles. Figures in the UK suggest almost 25% of healthcare workers will experience burnout. Not to mention the hundreds of other helping professionals like coaches, teachers, and carers. So why is burnout more common in the helping professions, and what we can do to prevent and heal it?

Understanding the background of burnout as a concept gives us some powerful clues as to what it is and how we can tackle it. Burnout was first described in the 1970s by a researcher called Herbert Freudenberger, who worked at a clinic for drug addicts. He observed volunteers and staff at the clinic experiencing the symptoms we now commonly recognise as burnout:

● Exhaustion
● Cynicism/demotivation relating to work
● Signs of depression or anxiety
● Reduced performance

What’s interesting is that this phenomenon was first described among people whose work was all about helping others. Although we now talk about burnout occurring in all sorts of careers, right from the start it seems to have been a particular issue for people in these types of roles. Why might that be?

Contributing factors to burnout

1. Idealism

When our work is helping, we’re often motivated by a deep desire to care for those in need; a sense of altruism is what drives us. It’s a wonderful thing, but that idealism can also be a challenge. After all, it can be hard to “switch off” at the end of the day, or keep a sense of perspective, when your identity and core values are so bound up in your day to day activities. Boundaries between work, home and self care quickly unravel in these circumstances, and that can lead to overwhelm and burnout.

2. The nature of the work

Working with people is unpredictable. It can be frustrating, and sometimes chaotic. What’s more, in roles which involve caring for people, mistakes can have serious consequences. Although some caring roles are given low status by society, they carry huge responsibility for the health and wellbeing of vulnerable people, placing additional stress on those who work in them.

Healthcare workers especially are often under pressure to meet targets and be mindful of cost implications as well as the responsibility for the interests of the patient. Stress and anxiety flourish in these contexts, and can lead to a sense of lack of control or apathy – key features of burnout.

Even if you’re in a helping profession like coaching where you get to set your own hours, it doesn’t mean your clients are any more predictable. Our phones go at every hour of the day, and our urge to be of service makes it hard to carve out uninterrupted time or to “switch off” our care and concern.

3. Greater sensitivity

Whether you work in the helping professions or not, you might be able to recognise some of these factors in your own experience. If you’re someone who tends to put other peoples’ needs ahead of your own; if you’re highly tuned in and sensitive to the emotions and environment around you, you might identify – like me– as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) as defined in Elaine Aron’s (highly recommended!) book.

HSP’s aren’t necessarily introverts or people who are emotionally fragile, but we do find ourselves reacting differently to environments with a lot of sensory input, especially when there’s a lot going on combined with pressure to conform to deadlines and targets. Being sensitive to other’s needs can make us highly effective and skilled helping professionals, but it also increases the likelihood of us becoming overwhelmed by the context we’re working in.

So how can we prevent it?

At One of many, we use a tool called the Women’s PowerTypes™ to explore the different “roles” we play in our lives. These have been developed specifically for women, and reflect underlying traits which allow us to understand the different ways we can approach the challenges in our lives: they’re the Warrioress, Queen, Sorceress, Mother and Lover.

It’s those last two which are the lens through which we can look at the issue of burnout and gain a greater understanding of what it is and how we can prevent it.

Why is burnout more common in the helping professions? The PowerTypes answer

When we look at these five PowerTypes, two are especially relevant here. The first is the Mother.

Mother

The Mother PowerType is above all nurturing, caring and driven by a desire to take care of others. These are all values which are really important for women working in helping professions. The best teachers, coaches, nurses and doctors are those who really care about the people they look after.

However, as with all the PowerTypes, there are elements of the Mother that can be unhealthy if this PowerType becomes too dominant, and isn’t balanced out by the other elements of female power.

The Mother’s shadow side is the Martyr. Aggrieved, angry and hurt, the Martyr feels put upon and resentful. It’s a deeply negative state to be in, and left unchecked can easily spiral into what we’d recognise as burnout: exhausted, demotivated and depressed.

The clue to avoiding this lies in the second relevant PowerType when talking about burnout:

Lover

The Lover is the PowerType associated with love, desire and sexuality. This relates not only to our partners, but also to ourselves. The Lover is the PowerType who most powerfully embodies the practice of self care.

Sensual, relaxed and deeply motivated by the desire to honour herself and create sublime experiences, she is the PowerType who tells us to rest, to play and to take care of ourselves so that we can take better care of others.

For Highly Sensitive People, having pleasurable sensory experiences is vital to allow us to calm, ground and “reset” ourselves.

The Soft Powertypes and burnout

Understanding the PowerTypes can help us to make sense of the statistics from a very practical standpoint. We can see how likely it is that women who are drawn to the helping professions might have overdeveloped Mother profiles, and might need support in expressing their Lover side.

The Lover can be nurtured through activities like:

● Making a list of things you’d love to do and working through it (putting your needs first, for once)
● Taking yourself on trips alone to explore new things
● Giving yourself experiences to delight the senses: a soft scarf, a delicious perfume, your favourite food

Using the PowerTypes gives us clues to our innate tendencies, enabling us to act before we reach crisis point. If we know we tend to be over-expressed in our Mother, we can remember to give more focus to the Lover before we reach the stage of burnout, allowing us to thrive in a more healthy balance.

How about you? Have you experienced burnout in you or someone close to you, and can you see the factors that caused it? We love to know your experiences and advice – leave a comment below, let us know.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to not burnout: A 4-step response

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

These days, pushing ourselves past capacity is something of an epidemic among women. Beyond the hype about “having it all” are some pretty sobering statistics – like the fact that right now, we’re 60% more likely to suffer job stress and burnout than men. So when it comes to reaching our potential, learning how to not burn out needs to be a priority. Trying to be “superwoman” really does come at an insidious cost.

One of our BePowerful participants, Mary, saw that play out vividly in her life: “In the past I did Superwoman spectacularly and burned out” she reflected.

That kind of experience can be a huge motivator in seeking support to change the pattern. Of course, we can’t stop life from gathering momentum but we can choose how we respond to when it does.

How to not burnout – the 4-step response

1. Look after yourself

Especially when there’s a lot on your plate, taking care of your needs and asking for the support you need is vital. It can be easy to lose perspective when we’re not at our best, but there’s usually an inner whisper that tells us when things are getting too much.

So listen to it and get honest with yourself: how well are you really coping? Is it time for a break? What’s going on physically for you? Gentle awareness of your own needs and acknowledgment of all you’re doing (rather than focusing on what you’re not getting to) is the first step to making a change.

2. Replenish your energy

Did you know that cortisol, the hormone released when we’re stressed, prepares the body for a fight-or-flight response by releasing glucose? Even if we’re not resorting to sweet treats to get us through the day, feeling constantly stressed or anxious effectively floods our body with sugar.

Replenishing ourselves and reducing cortisol takes more than just stopping. It also means finding a way to release that fight-or-flight reflex by taking exercise (a walk in the fresh air is a great start), meditating, or making active choices to address our workload.

3. Stop over committing

Sometimes we don’t realise how over committed we are until looking at the diary makes us want to crawl back under the duvet. And yet we keep saying “yes” to more and more things, because we don’t want to offend people or feel as though we’re letting anyone else down.

Burnout thrives when we put our need to feel helpful above our own capacity. Get real about what you can commit to – and practice saying “no” politely until it’s second nature.

4. Prioritise

The fact is, we can’t do everything, and telling ourselves we could if we only pushed ourselves harder is what results in overwhelm. Our culture tends to reward “busy-ness”, and it’s easy to find ourselves taking on more and more without stopping to consider the bigger picture.

Prioritising means we need to get really clear on our values and the bigger impact we want to make. Beyond being “busy”, how are the activities that fill our day actually making a difference to our families, our communities, and the world?

Learning to let go anything that doesn’t contribute to that is a challenge for all of us, but to avoid burnout, we have to learn to change our expectations. Make sure you do only what really matters.

Banishing Superwoman

These steps might be straightforward, but they’re definitely not easy. Putting our own needs first, saying no, and getting clear on how we really want to spend our time and energy is a challenge for all women. After all, most of us have been raised in cultures which expect us to be the cheerful, capable high-achievers in everything we do.

But those statistics about overwhelm and burnout speak for themselves. “Superwoman” is a role that comes at the expense of our health, our wellbeing and ultimately our impact on the world.

Don’t let her take over your life.

If you’ve experienced your own brush with burnout in whatever form, do share what you’ve learned in the comments below. Your experience might be just what another woman needs to read today.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to say no politely

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you wear lots of different hats in the course of your life, you know how valuable it is to know how to say no politely.

It’s one thing to say no to things you don’t want to do. But finite time and energy also means turning down requests for things we’d love to do from people we’d love to help.

So, how to say no politely without sacrificing our relationships or letting people down?

In this episode of Jo & Co, I’m breaking down the really simple template I use when I need to turn down an opportunity that doesn’t fit in with my priorities.

I deliberately designed this to be really simple because these kinds of challenges come around so often, and when you want to be helpful it’s incredibly tempting to say yes. I wanted a quick little framework I could whip out every time, and I hope you find it helpful when it comes to honouring your time without letting other people down.

3 steps to a healthy “no”

In the video I share:

  • What you need to be clear about BEFORE you get the ask
  • The crucial distinction that allows you to say no without offending, letting people down, or hurting their feelings
  • My 3-step process that leaves the other person feeling you’ve helped them without compromising your priorities

The most effective people in life are the ones who are able to gracefully say no to everything that takes them away from their values.

Saying “I’m just too busy” won’t cut it – it implies that we’re frantic, stressed and short on time. It also suggests we’re so bad at prioritising we can’t actually make space for something we’d be interested in – what a mixed message! It can really leave the other person confused about where they stand.

Using this framework allows us to say no at the same time as building relationships and supporting those around us. That’s crucial if we’re to have our biggest impact, and it’s something we can absolutely help each other learn and practice. So, when you’ve watched the video, I’d love to know what you’re going to say no to! Let’s encourage and support each other in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What the hell is empowerment?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Empowerment – What the hell is empowerment? We hear this word so often in today’s world, in the workplace, in all the self-development talk but can we really relate to it? Do we know what it actually means to us?

Ask yourself this:
What does it mean to be empowered? Or

What does being an empowered woman feel like?

For that matter- have I ever felt it?!

What the hell is this empowerment thing?

Sometimes the problem is in the definition. How we define things will either make them easy for us to experience, or difficult to experience.

So first, let’s take a moment to explore what empowerment is not.

Let me introduce you to her sister DISEMPOWERMENT – She’s the complete opposite of her stronger, cheerleader of a sister. Disempowerment can be characterised by the space you find yourself in when you’re not feeling your best.

We define it as “when you want or need to take a certain path of action but don’t because of internal stop signs”

Disempowerment can be a great big brick wall standing between you and your natural power.

What do I mean by internal stop signs?

These are reasons, the justifications and yes as uncomfortable as it is, the excuses that we tell ourselves which lead to inaction. It might result in procrastination or that feeling of just not being able to make that breakthrough.

Stop signs are the little voices that say icky stuff like:

  • I can’t do that.
  • I don’t have the time.
  • I can’t afford it.
  • I don’t have the right skills.

Now, please don’t get me wrong we all have these thoughts from time to time especially when we’re not at our best.

They are often absolutely 100% valid reasons and objections. “Look at my bank account” you might say, “I don’t have any money! Its not an excuse, it’s the truth.”

And while I get it. I also don’t buy it.

Stick with me on this – I promise I’ll explain without you stamping your feet and saying “She has no idea!!”

Let’s take a look at an example of what disempowerment can look like in action or should I say inaction!

Say hello to Suzie…

Suzie has been a stay at home mum for some time but her children are growing up fast and she feels that now is HER time to do something for herself, to get back in touch with the workplace and start up her own bookkeeping business.

She’s excited about this next chapter in her life. She knows what she needs to do – there’s a night class bookkeeping course running at a local college and YET she’s made no move to enrol – What’s holding her back? You got it, those darn stop signs!

Suzie is feeling disempowered because every time she thinks she’ll enrol she comes up with

  • “We can’t afford it“
  • “I don’t have child-care“
  • “I don’t have the car Tuesdays“
  • “I’m the one that does everything“
  • “I won’t have the time, no-one ever helps me!“
  • “Who’ll cook the dinner?“

This kind of thinking is never going to empower Suzie into action.

All these reasons are driving her lack of empowerment.

They are keeping her stuck in a rut and holding her back from unleashing her creativity, her innovation, her effectiveness.

You see, there’s way too many examples out there of women who may have not had the money, the upbringing, the privilege, the opportunity to do something they wanted to do. But because they had a vision- they still found a way to MAKE it happen.

That’s empowerment.

Let’s look at it another way…

Here at One of many™, we work with archetypes to understand empowerment.

  1. The empowering 5 Women’s PowerTypes™:
    • the Warrioress,
    • the Lover,
    • the Mother,
    • the Queen
    • and the Sorceress
  2. And the disempowering ones of
    • the Bitch,
    • the Martyr
    • and the Victim.

It’s these latter three archetypes that are responsible for those stop signs. They can often be found blaming others, feeling like it’s them against the whole world or the whole world is against them!

They are unhelpful, unsupportive and totally disempowering.

So, how can we be empowered?

Step 1: Ditch the bitch! or whatever disempowering archetype is your poison of choice. Take notice of the part of you that surfaces when you’re feeling less than your best, lacking in confidence or fearful.

Step 2: Tap into the supportive and resilient energy one of your PowerTypes™ – there’s one for every situation!

You don’t have to choose between being a bitch or a martyr – choose to be a Queen.

The Queen PowerType™ is the perfect choice for empowerment. She holds a powerful vision for her future, she is decisive, resilient and not afraid to delegate or ask for support.

Let’s go back to Suzie for a moment – What would it look like if she chose to access to her Queen PowerType™, and ask “What would my Queen do?”

Well, it would probably go something like this…

  • “We can’t afford it“: She’d see the course as an investment in her future. She’d apply for an increase to the credit limit on her card, or draw down on the mortgage, or borrow from her mum, or sell all the old baby furniture cluttering up the garage. She’d get creative about where the money IS and how she can access it to provide a better future for herself and her family.
  • “I don’t have child-care“: She’d get creative in conversations with her husband, her neighbour, the 13 yo next door, she’d look at online courses she can do from home…
  • “I don’t have the car Tuesdays“: She’d look up buses, borrow a bike,
  • “I’m the one that does everything“: She’d ignore this little commentary from the Martyr, and set up a rota so everyone helps out.
  • “I won’t have the time, no-one ever helps me!“: She’ll get her diary out and take control of her time, she’ll ask for the help she needs.
  • “Who’ll cook the dinner?“: She’ll realise that no-one ever died from one microwave meal a week!

How different does that look? – How empowering!

You can almost feel the uprush of “make sh!t happen” energy that comes on the tail of being her Queen.

So just how can we recognise empowerment?

An empowered individual is someone who can access their internal resources to empower themselves.

They are resilient and can easily switch into problem-solving mode when faced with a challenge.

They are able to seek out or build a supportive network to help them to achieve goals and overcome setbacks.

Have you ever been “disempowered” in relationship to a challenge you’ve had, and then shifted your thinking to come up with creative solutions? Share in the comments. Let’s all inspire one another with stories of our own empowerment.

Who knows – your share here could change someone’s life!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Why Nourishing Yourself is the Least Selfish Thing You Can Do

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

In my work, I’m privileged to connect with so many truly amazing women — and I’m always amazed by how naturally caring and giving they are. Whether it’s in the form of making life better for whole communities or just making sure that family dinner is a time of special connection, these women are on top of it when it comes to caring, with one exception … caring for themselves.

It’s one of those things that we all know we need to do — intellectually, it’s really easy to understand that unless you’re meeting your needs first, it’s going to be impossible to really meet anybody else’s. But when that emergency phone call comes through, when the school needs a last minute chaperone, when your friend calls you up with a problem, then self care tends to take a back seat.

This impulse comes from a great place — but it can be destructive if it’s not channeled properly.

As women, whether we’re mothers or not, we naturally have an impulse to nurture and nourish. This Mother archetype is what sees us through actual motherhood as well as creative projects, building communities, and, importantly, self-care, and it’s a really beautiful thing.

But one of the shadow sides of this impulse is the Martyr archetype. The Martyr comes out when you get into that mode of giving, giving, giving, giving, and while it can feel very caring and loving sometimes, it actually tends to stem from that Superwoman, masculine energy archetype, which leads you into this unsustainable cycle of expectations, performance, and resentment.

The secret to breaking the martyr cycle? Understanding your needs.

If you’re not meeting your needs, you’re automatically going to go into survival mode, back to that reptile brain, which is definitely not the place you want to be operating from day to day.

So what counts as a need? It’s something which, if you don’t have it, means that you’re not OK — you’re cranky, upset, off-kilter, unbalanced, or unwell. So for instance, sleep is definitely a need, even though we often treat it like a want. Your needs are what get you to your baseline of being OK. If they’re met, you’re just fine. You’re not bouncing off the walls, you don’t have the capacity for sustainable generosity, but you’re OK.

Now, when your needs are more than met, when you’re really making it a point to constantly take care of your needs, then you can give to others. You can give energy to others and still be OK, and you can be generous, because you know that when you do deplete, you can regenerate. Your wellbeing isn’t an issue anymore.

A really important note here: meeting your needs is 100% your responsibility. It’s not your husband’s or your children’s or your sister’s or anybody else’s responsibility; this is on you.

OK, but how do you know the difference between a need and a want?

Wants are those bonus things that build on top of your needs. And they’re different for everybody. In my case, while sleep, food, retreat time, and exercise are needs, chocolate is a want. I love eating it — but I know that if my needs aren’t being met, then no amount of chocolate I eat will fill that hole. When your needs are being met and you have your wants, then they’re fantastic, but when you try to use wants to substitute needs, then you get into the realm of bad habits.

So my invitation to you: create a list of your needs.

Really sit down and think about what you need to be OK in the different areas of your life. What needs do you have as a businesswoman, a partner, a mother, a creator? What about the needs that you have when you’re in your different archetypes? What does your Warrioress need, your Sorceress, your Mother? Sometime over the next week, take the time to work this out for yourself, and think of ways that you can meet those needs.

Why not start right now? Tell me one of your core needs … and one of your favourite wants in the comments below!