This is a guest post by Debbie Neiteler, One of many coach and Certified Grief Guide.

If you’ve lost someone close to you, however long ago it was, you’ll know the indescribably impact bereavement has on your life. Two of the strongest threads that bind us together as human beings are the fear of dying and the unutterable heartbreak that shakes the foundations of our identity when we lose someone we love. Grief and the experience of death affects our sense of belonging, it reminds us that we are not immortal.

Loss of loved ones is an anticipated natural part of life. And yet it is devastating – so how do we get through it?

Here are five things I’ve learned about how we cope with grief, whether you’ve lost someone recently or many years ago.

1. Accept grief does not have an expiry date – and let go of expectations

You might have read about the seven stages of grief, and many speak of the first year after your loved one has passed as being especially hard. In my experience, any of the seven stages of grief can come at any time.

Six years after losing my loved one I went through a period of immense sadness when it hit home that they would never meet my daughter, that they were not here with me through the terminal illness of my mother – these feelings of loss and sadness could never have been anticipated in the first year after their death..

While it may seem depressing to think one can grieve forever, there are positive ways to embrace grief. Ask yourself how you can honour those who have passed, making that practice a regular part of your life.

• It may be fish and chips on their birthday or changing photographs of them regularly.
• It can be looking up when walking amongst the trees and simply inviting the memories back in.
• It may be writing a letter to them – updating them of all that you have in your life and letting them know what you miss about them.
• Speaking of them. Telling your family and friends about them regularly.

Your loss and your journey through it will never be like anyone else’s.

So stop questioning whether you are doing things “right”. You know what you need. Ask your heart, and ask your body – they will tell you if you listen – not the voices in your head of external expectations.

2. Forgiveness matters

It is difficult to start looking at what forgiveness needs to take place, when you know you’re never going to be able to have another conversation with the person you’ve lost.

But it’s an important part of the grieving process.

Forgive yourself, for all those thoughts you may have:

I didn’t do enough with them…
I wasn’t enough …
I shouldn’t have said…
I should have said….

Forgive them for the moments that sting, let go of the negative memories and replace them with happier ones… it feels better.

I held on to a memory for a long time of the last time I saw my brother before he died unexpectedly. We had a terrible argument. I clung on to this memory for years, until one day my coach asked me if I could let this go and replace it with a happier one.
I tried it, and I felt so much lighter. It was so simple. And it enabled me to really honour our relationship and his memory, instead of dwelling on a painful interaction.

3. Some people help, and others don’t. That’s OK.

When I was in the midst of grief, I found that some people’s energy was loving and holding whilst others didn’t know what to do.

Our cultural paradigm doesn’t like to see the messy side of grief. We tend to cover this up or keep it behind closed doors. Yet I found it was the people I least expected, often ones who had experienced loss themselves, who were able to cope with my snotty red nose and smudged mascara eyes.

Hang out with those who can, not those who require you to suppress your feelings.

Don’t be afraid to look inward and towards the loss. It is only through embracing it and the acceptance of death that we can truly live our fullest life.

I believe that our loved ones still teach us, even when they have passed. Listen for it. Ask yourself – what would they have said? How can they comfort you, even now?

4. Love conquers all

Love yourself enough to be patient:

• A grieving brain can be a thick fog. Expect forgetfulness, expect lack of enthusiasm for most things.. be compassionate to you.
• Wrap yourself in cotton wool at least for a little while. Know that your loved one would want you to be eating well and hydrating.
• Grief is draining, and I constantly felt tired. Allow yourself enough sleep.

Allow others to love you:

When they say “let me know if you need anything”… Let them know.

• Maybe you need some cheering up today.
• A hearty meal because you are exhausted.
• Some time to do something completely different, or space to talk about your memories.

Whatever it is, let them know.

5. Plant your roots again

The gales of grief can knock you to the floor. Uproot you, leave you blowing aimlessly for what can seem like an eternity.

It is therefore vital that you grab the ground in whatever way you can.

Start with a small, simple morning ritual like making a heart-hugging cup of tea. Do this one thing every day to ground you.

When you start feeling able, add another little ritual that will help you.

Plant some seeds to reconnect and embrace cycles of our great mother earth.

Look around you and embrace the seasons. Nest, make your home a beautiful space so that it can hold you.

Know that you are now part of a sacred group – you too are now a grief guide.

Are you a grief guide?

Have you experienced grief – and do you have any comfort to share with others who might be going through this tender time? We’d love to gently open up this conversation with you. Leave a comment below, and share your thoughts.

Want more support?

If you’ve lost a loved one, are feeling alone and could do with some support, join Debbie at the Dragonflies Club to be supported as you rediscover your purpose and joy. Click here to find out more.

About Debbie

Sailor of the Seven Seas | Adventure seeker | Sloe gin champion

Debbie is a partner at Austin & Carnley Solicitors and specialises in Wills and Probate. Her work and personal experience of loss led her to create The Lost & Found Dragonflies Club, a community for those who are grieving.

She is also a Grief Guide and One of many Certified Coach.

Many of us get the wrong end of the stick when it comes to creating women’s leadership with impact. Whether you want to be moving your organisation forward; making waves with your business; or stepping up as a really powerful role model for your kids, the mistake is the same: So often we start with the outcome, and work backwards.

Maybe it’s a performance indicator you want to hit at work. A big client you want to land. A change you want to see happen in your industry, or a way of dealing with conflict you’d love your daughter to absorb.

Women’s leadership with impact: the mistake many of us make

We take the goal, and figure out what might get us closer to it.

I need to motivate my team more powerfully – better get some leadership training.

I need to achieve more in my day – time to sign up for a productivity course.

I want to teach my kids to be calm and steady in the face of challenges – this parenting book must hold the answers.

It’s totally understandable, because logically it makes so much sense. Only, have you ever noticed how it doesn’t work?

Life isn’t (often) linear

You might be the most well-equipped leader on the senior management team. But when you’ve been answering emails until midnight on your phone – there’s no way you’ll be present enough at the meeting to really move things forward. 

Maybe you’re totally au fait with the kind of parent you want to be. But you’re covering for a colleague at work, trying to work out what to wear to an upcoming event when changing room mirrors make you want to cry, and stress eating half a loaf of bread feels like the only way to feel sane again when you finally get home. Is it any wonder that your kids get the sharp end of your temper when you see the state they’ve left the kitchen in?

Your scenario is different. Mine too. But you get the picture. After a recent “Why does it take us 2 hours to leave the house?” fiasco, I found myself reflecting that leading a team is child’s play, compared to leading a family out the bloody door! Yet it’s the energy drain of trying to get the kids moving that will deplete me for work tomorrow.

Maybe for you it’s caring for a parent, or dealing with a legal battle with your neighbours, or weeping with frustration at the climate crisis (and tearing your hair out at how you can make a difference). Whatever it is, what saps your energy and exhausts you is very likely not directly connected to your goals at all.

Which is why when it comes to leadership, we do things a little differently.

Let me give you an analogy.

Why leadership is like a long journey

Imagine you’re heading off on a big trip by car. You need to get to your destination in a certain time. One way to approach that would be to ask “how can I get from A to B in the quickest way possible?”. You might decide to drive faster, and push harder, to get there.

The trouble with that is, you might well end up doing damage to the engine. Breaking down, or even writing it off completely.

In human terms, this is what we’d call overwhelm or burnout. And it’s inefficient as well as unpleasant. When the radiator blows, it actually costs you more in the long term to slow down, let the engine cool off and wait for a mechanic.

Or, worse still, blowing the car up completely and being forced to abandon the journey all together – AKA total burnout, something many of us have experienced.

Our approach is different

Instead of starting with the end goal, we take it as a given that you have the skills you need as a leader. Sure, you might have more to learn along the way – we trust that when it comes to extra skills or education, you’ll handle that the way you always do.

But to go back to the analogy of the car, if your big impact as a leader is the destination we’d prefer to focus not on the destination, but on the vehicle itself.

Are you using the right fuel? Is the engine working optimally? Are you choosing to drive in the right conditions, and take breaks when you need them?

In other words, we start with you. 

Women aren’t machines

Because here’s the thing. We’re not engines. We’re not production lines, or factories, and when we spend too much time looking at ways to maximise getting to our goal we actually underestimate our power.

We assume that we must be deficient in some competency, rather than realising that most of the time we have the skills we need when we’re in the right frame of mind, body and soul to use them.

I truly believe what holds great leaders back has much less to do with skills and much more to do with simple energy management.

• How easy is your home life?
• How much sleep did you get?
• Are you exercising and vital?

The best we can do for our leadership is to charge up, rest and replenish. Because the world needs your leadership. Now, more than ever.

Give yourself the time you need

You might be reading this and thinking “Yes, Jo. I know I need to take better care of myself. I just don’t have the time to do that.”

We’ve created something to help you with exactly that conundrum. 

BeFruitful is our signature time and energy management programme, and if you’re reading this and thinking that it all makes a lot of sense, now is the time to go and check it out.

(Until 27th September you can get the program for 50% off, as part of our 5th birthday celebrations… so don’t hang about!)

Our mission is to change the world and we know you can’t do that when you’re frazzled, exhausted and running on empty. So this simple, yet life changing training will show you how to start to manage your time and energy in a sane way.

A way that honours your natural rhythms and cycles. And that will ultimately free up — at minimum — 5 hours a week for you to spend on the people, causes and activities you really care about.

Getting your rest. Giving your best. Feeling whole, happy and replenished.

This is what will free you up to be the leader you already are – so you can get out there and change the world.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Changing a habit – any habit – can be challenging. But when it comes to finances, change can be especially tricky. Perhaps you’re constantly overspending, and you know it’s time to rein in your daily budget so you can focus on some longer-term goals. Or you’re ready to get a handle on your debt once and for all. Whatever your good intentions, here’s how to change your financial habits.

First things first – know what you’re changing

Before changing your financial habits, it goes without saying that you need to be clear about what you’re going to change. To do that, you need some financial intelligence on your side.

Financial intelligence is all about knowing how money works. That might include what the law says about the regulation of investments, and how they apply to your personal (or business) savings.

Having some financial intelligence allows you to create a better plan for your money so that what you have will grow more effectively. It also means you can check whether what you intend to create, will actually happen.

You may have some disposable income and some savings – but are they really working for you?

Are they moving you towards your goals in life or business?

You have a mortgage… but is it in the best place?

For a detailed look at your circumstances you’ll need to work with a professional who understands your situation – and to feel confident about acting on their advice.

Or check out One of many’s Wealth Insights – a 4-hour focused workshop into what keeps some of us women stuck around money and how you can finally set you and your family free.

Create a plan to move forward

Having a plan gives you a focus and allows you to create goals for where you want to be financially over time.

Maybe you want to be debt-free in 5 years: write a plan of how you are going to achieve that.

Think about where you want your money to be in five or ten years’ time.

• Is it in your children’s trust funds?
• In your pension?
• Or paying off credit?

Which would you choose?

Get the basics right first

Looking at your general spending, and getting a handle on what is going out each month is a major and important step. If you want to start with any financial habit, tracking what’s going on right now is a really good place to start. It sounds so simple but often the basic simple stuff is what matters.

Will you do it though? Will you put the time aside to achieve the basics? Without the foundation, we aren’t able to build a strong position. So, to make sure you have the best possible chance of achieving your goals, here are my top 5 tips when it comes to changing your financial habits.

5 tips for how to change financial habits

1. Remember – changing a habit takes time

According to leading psychologists, it takes 21 days to change a habit. Now of course, this isn’t a hard and fast rule. It’s a generalisation, and it doesn’t take into account how long you have had the habit for and how hard it could be to break.

It does however give us a starting point and proves that it takes time to break an old habit and form a new one, so basically, don’t expect things to change overnight!

2. Don’t change everything at once

The next important thing to realise, is that you can’t change it all at once. For starters you will get burnt out and bored which can mean you stop everything. And secondly, you get into overwhelm, which can be even worse as you cling on to the old habits to give yourself comfort!

So make small changes. Something huge will send you into panic mode and that will stop you in your tracks.

3. Recognise every habit has a reason

We form habits for a reason. So, start to look at the reasons why you have your current habits. Perhaps you’re resisting putting money in a savings account because you’re worried you might not be able to access it in an emergency. Or you’re indulging in purchases you don’t need because you’re feeling insecure – and you know opening a parcel gives you a quick “buzz”.

Once you see the emotional and sensory triggers behind your habits, you can then start to look at ways to replace those old habits with new ones that are perfectly able to give you the response that you desire, but are also helping you keep the money in your pocket at the same time.

4. Make your habit easy

Make the new habit easy for yourself. Have things in handy places at home, or shift your workplace around to make it easier for you to put the new habit in place.

And in return, make the old habit hard. Set up your accounts so that you can’t spend money you’ve allocated for saving, or commit to only buying things with cash for a while if you know you tend to quickly rack up spending on your card.

Another way to make things easier is to give yourself little reminders, such as a note in your purse to ask yourself ‘do you really need that?’, or a reward chart for the kids to turn the lights off when they leave their bedrooms.

5. Accept that you are only human

If you falter, don’t panic, just tell yourself that tomorrow will be better. Maybe ask one of your friends to watch out for you and distract you! Or make a point of celebrating every day you do make a positive change, so that you can feel motivated to keep going.

Want more support?

For a comprehensive introduction to getting your money stuff sorted, One of many’s Wealth Insights event is a powerful live training happening in London in June. Click here to book your ticket.

About Rebecca

Cat and dog owner  | Loves the great outdoors | Tea drinker

Rebecca Robertson is the author of Evolve Financial Planning – financial planning education for women; a TedX speaker; and the seven times award-winning Founder and Director of Evolution Financial Planning.

Rebecca is known as the financial planner who is passionate about putting women firmly in control of their finances. She has helped thousands of individuals and families to achieve financial freedom and given them peace of mind that their finances are properly protected in case the worst should happen. With 19 years’ experience, she’s proud to have a 100% satisfaction rating from her happy clients.

As well as providing holistic and independent advice to clients, Rebecca’s also been featured in the Independent’s ‘Women in Finance’ and is a regular media commentator in FT Advisor and New Model Adviser, discussing financial issues particularly in relation to women.

Anger’s a complicated emotion, isn’t it? Whether you’re someone who tends to direct her anger inwards in the form of self-critical thoughts, or find yourself getting cross with others when they make mistakes or act selfishly, it can be tricky to develop a healthy relationship with this controversial emotion. As women, we’re often taught that anger isn’t something that’s “right” for us to express. So today, we’re reframing this issue and asking what anger can do for us.

Getting to know your anger

We all have very different relationships with anger. What makes you angry, and how you express that, will be very different.

You might have specific physical triggers around your anger. I know I often experience swings in blood sugar that can result in intensified anger – maybe you experience the “hangry” monster yourself when you’ve been on the go all day without a snack.

Some women experience heightened feelings of anger when they’re pre-menstrual, or during menopause, because of hormonal changes. (There’s a growing movement of women keen to reclaim that as something of a superpower, and one that can help us create powerful change in the world!)

What’s your anger like?

Try keeping an “anger diary” or just making a quick note of how often you feel angry during a typical week.

• What triggers your anger? Are there any patterns you can notice – perhaps when you’re tired or under pressure, or when you feel you can relax and “release” pent up emotion from the day?
• Are there particular people who tend to bring up feelings of anger? What connects them – is it people you’re close to, those in authority, or people who behave in a specific way?
• How does your anger show itself? Is it in sarcastic comments, spectacular eruptions, or an internal dialogue that’s less than kind?

As with any emotion, bringing a gentle curiosity to how it’s showing up for you can be the first step in developing a healthier relationship with it.

The physiological response

Anger is a primal emotion, and it’s one controlled by the amygdala – the part of our brain that’s responsible for the ‘fight or flight’ reflex. When we perceive ourselves to be under threat in some way, our entire body is flooded with a series of cascading hormones – before we’re even consciously aware of danger.

At times like this it can be hard to think things through logically; we tend to quickly operate on instinct. So when you notice yourself becoming angry, it’s important to remember that the biological response is already happening.

Take a break; count to ten; go for a quick walk or take 5 minutes to dance it out.

When you’re feeling more yourself, it ‘s time to dig in. What messages might your anger have –and how can you harness it in a positive way?

Anger and the Women’s PowerTypes

The Women’s PowerTypes are 5 archetypes that are the key to developing a sustainable, flexible form of female leadership that we refer to as Soft Power.

Rather than slipping into disempowering ways of being – like victim, martyr or bitch – they offer ways of handling your day to day emotions in a way that’s healthy and constructive, and which helps you cultivate strong and supportive relationships with those around you.

They can also give us clues as to ways we can approach different emotions – especially the ones we might characterise as “negative”. Here are 3 examples of how you might use the PowerTypes to cultivate a healthier relationship with your anger.

What anger can do for us: the PowerTypes approach

1. Anger can help you set boundaries with Queen

If someone repeatedly triggers feelings of anger, it might be because they’re continually crossing a boundary that’s really important to you. Perhaps you feel taken for granted when your friend often expects you to babysit at short notice – it’s as though your time’s not as important as hers, just because you don’t have the unpredictable hours and last minute deadlines of her fast-paced job.

The Queen PowerType is a wonderful way to tap into a quietly assertive, decisive and wise part of yourself. The Queen is sympathetic to those she cares about, but she isn’t afraid to say a firm “no” to something which oversteps the mark.

Instead of finding yourself seething for the umpteenth time, your anger might be a clue that it’s time to have a clear conversation and set some boundaries. If you find negotiating boundaries whilst keeping your cool a challenge, download our free guide to creating healthy boundaries here.

2. Anger can help you create change with Warrioress

Anger can be an amazing motivator. If there’s a particular cause that you find really brings rage, let that be a clue as to where you might want to be investing your energy – whether it’s volunteering for a cause or making a financial contribution to a charity working in a particular area.

Warrioress is the PowerType we turn to when it’s time to get into action and get things done. Just as a battle can inspire feats of great bravery and courage, so our warrioress energy inspires to take bold action and stand up for what we believe in.

My recent feelings of anger over the treatment of women over the centuries have really lit a fire under my mission to empower women leaders, and in doing so to have an impact on some of our biggest challenges. You don’t need to hold onto those feelings of rage to be able to channel them into practical activities that you can feel are having an impact.

3. Anger can help you heal with Mother

If your anger seems disproportionate to the situation, it can be a clue that there’s something more going on than meets the eye. For example, if you find yourself flying off the handle with anger when you make a small mistake at work, it might be a sign that there’s some residual fury that you’re holding onto from the past.

When we’re experiencing overwhelming emotions connected to something that’s happened in the past, judging or blaming ourselves will only make them worse. The Mother PowerType brings a gentle, accepting energy that reminds us that whatever we’re experiencing in the moment will pass.

Moving into Mother can allow you to comfort yourself as you would a small child – reassuring them that it’s OK for them to feel what their feeling. Bringing that love and acceptance to your emotions can help you explore what lies behind the anger, and take steps to resolve it once and for all. That might mean writing it out in a letter, expressing it through physical exercise, or finding a coach to work with who can help you resolve those feelings.

Make anger your ally

When you’re no longer holding on to past anger, and you’re able to channel the emotions you feel day to day into positive outcomes, anger can begin to feel like a powerful ally. I’d love to know your relationship with this misunderstood emotion. Let us know how you use your anger in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

This is a guest post by Jo Douglas. 

Over the last few months, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be stuck in your life, and how to stop feeling stuck when that happens.

Have you ever had a time when the way forward seemed less clear, when it felt like you were busy spinning plates and not moving forward? We can get so preoccupied with those plates that it becomes hard to make decisions and that rotten inner critic takes holds. We soldier on and focus on why we are not happy, what’s going wrong, and what we are not doing well enough, or what we think we should be doing.  This stifles us.

If that rings a bell, here’s how to stop feeling stuck.

Feeling stuck?  How crafting your perfect day can help

I love this quote, as it sums the results of the above cycle up very nicely.

“Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, and your values become your destiny.”

So I’ve decided to put pen to paper and share a few hints and tips on how to stop feeling stuck using a simple technique.

I’m sharing an exercise I first completed when I was suffering from depression, and was exhausted and disillusioned.

It was a time in my career when I’d lost my way and every day felt like a chore. I’d dread going to work.  I didn’t agree with what was happening, and how the organisation I worked for was changing – our values no longer aligned, but it took me quite a while to realise this.

I couldn’t see a way out and chastised myself for being weak and a failure, and for becoming ill.

But even if you’re not at that extreme, you might still be wondering the same thing I was:

Wouldn’t it be brilliant if you could take control and craft the life you want?

It is possible!

You simply have to bring it forth into your imagination, to believe, to know, and to trust that it is possible. To let your mind see what you want and to allow it to understand that you want to work towards it.  To open your heart to new possibilities and new opportunities. To trust that you can change and embrace this new reality.

You can then work to bring it into existence.

The hard part is the trusting part. In trusting we allow ourselves to move forward.

I’m not saying that just because you think it, it will happen.  I am saying that because you have seen that this can become a reality, you can move towards creating it. You can shift your focus and create “towards” motivations.

I was once told that ‘Life is a game, you set the rules. You choose the players, you choose the purpose, and the reward is a joyful, fun, and loving life’.

So let’s just take a minute to pause and think about what your ideal game would be.

Craft your day: 3 steps

1. Imagine

The best way to do this is to close your eyes and take a number of deep breaths, letting your muscles relax and all other thoughts slip away.

Once relaxed, imagine what your perfect day would look like.  Where are you, who are you with, what are you doing?   Look at all the colours, think of the sounds, the smells, textures and feelings.

Work through how you start your day and progress through to the end, always exploring all your senses and noting what is happening.

Create a picture, frame it and store it in your mind.

2. Capture

Next, grab a pen and write down everything that came to you.  Don’t pause, don’t stop to think about how well you are composing the piece, or the quality of your handwriting – just let it flow.

Here’s mine:

“I’d start my day with a gentle shower, and then breakfast.  My family is in the background eagerly getting ready for their day too. I’d venture out for a lovely walk with my dogs using that time to clear my mind and enjoy the warmth of the sunshine on my face, lapping up the fresh air, feeling the gentle support of the grassy fields.  My mind will open to allow me to order my thoughts and balance my energy for my coming day.

Next I’d take my children to school, enjoying their bright laughter and chatter as they anticipate their day. I would then venture into my office – a spacious purpose-built cabin in my garden surrounded by plants and full of light. Walking past sweet smelling flowers I’d sit at my desk – a neat and inviting workspace with a vase of open and welcoming flowers. The temperature is warm, the smell is inviting, the atmosphere is relaxing but stimulating. With a cup of tea, I would check my diary and make sure I have everything in order for the day and then start my first coaching calls. Working with my clients to help them find the peace and clarity they want in life, and then break for a light lunch.

I may go for a swim at the local pool or share lunch and a chat with my husband, a friend or a colleague, enjoying the stimulation of our conversation. My afternoon would then be free for me to focus on meetings or my written work, whether that be reports or creating new content or even updating my communications. Whatever is planned, I complete with ease – I set the tone and pace. I am the mistress of my diary and I know how to work with the ebb and flow of my energy to create the greatest results. I have no debt or worries about conflicting demands.

I’m mindful that I’m working to fund a holiday where I’ll be walking on the beach, exploring the pleasures of the sights and tasting the food and drink with my family sharing this with me – all laughing and excited. At the end of the day, I will close my office and walk around the garden to separate my work from my home life, because when I enter my home I want to be fully present for those I love. To be willing to enjoy the activities of home life and be thankful for the end of another fulfilling day.”

3. Reflect

So what does your perfect day look like?  Remember to fix that picture in your mind and write down in free flow everything that comes to you.

Read it back and then – ignoring the urge to doubt you can achieve this – begin to reflect.

• Start by underlining anything that already happens in your day, that you can build on
• Note down what you need to change in your life to allow you to experience your dream day?  Perhaps it’s a change of location, of job, a new career, a new relationship, a new mindset…..!

Now look at what your options are for making those changes.

• Write down every option that comes to mind whether you think it realistic or not.
• For each, look at the pros and cons and what the worst thing is that could happen if you took this course of action.
• Reviewing the worse thing that could happen, what could you do to mitigate this?

Now look at all those options again.

• Which is the best option to move you closer to your dream day?
• What small but significant steps could you take to start this change?
• What support do you need to move forward?

Further questions:

1. Are you living in line with your values?

Times of extreme burnout or depression aren’t the best time to begin doing the work of changing your mindset. But if you’ve come out of a challenging time and can’t seem to get your mojo back, getting some outside support could be the answer.

3. Are you in victim mode?

Signs you’re adopting a victim mindset include:

• Feeling that you’re not ‘good’ enough or ‘intelligent’ (or smart, or thin, or, or…) to change your situation – everyone else can do it, just not you.
• Blaming everyone around you for the things you want to change.
• Telling yourself that you’re being silly for wanting more, and you should just be happy that you have the things you do.
• Thinking that you are responsible for keeping everything going and that you will let people down, or be a failure, if you don’t meet them

Victim is one of the disempowering archetypes that many women find themselves in. It can be exceptionally hard to find your way out of it by yourself, so if you feel as though “victim” is sapping your strength do reach out and request a discovery call to see how I can support you.

About Joanna Douglas

Joanna helps professional women who are ‘stuck in a rut’ and feeling trapped by life’s responsibilities, to gain the clarity, certainty and confidence they need to move forward.

She believes that leadership, whether that’s at home, at work, or in your community, is more than just skill – it is about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on.

Having worked in the field of Leadership and Coaching for over 20 years supporting women to find inspiration, to manage change, and to authentically lead with resilience and joy, she has created a 7-step system to help professional women to feel more energised, to be certain about what they want to do, and how to do it, and to have the confidence in their ability to take the next steps.

Her mission is to inspire women to get out there and live the life they really want to live. To feel inspired, motivated and confident in their ability to take the next steps.

Joanna qualified as a One of many Certified Women’s Coach in August 2017. To find out more about working with her, and book a free discovery call, click here.

Ever feel like your to-do list is ruling your life? Whether you’re a tech-loving app devotee, wedded to Basecamp, Trello, or Asana – or a back-of-an-envelope scribbler, convinced that the very act of putting pen to paper helps your brain fire better – I want to set you a challenge today to make your to-do list work better for you.

You see, since we started helping women to have a bigger impact on the world without burning out, we’ve learned a thing or two about what can hold us back. And strange as it may seem, your to-do list might be one of the biggest blocks you face.

What does your list look like?

At its most basic level, a to-do list is exactly what it sounds like: a list of actions that need to be completed at any one time. The trouble is, in today’s world the sheer number of tasks can quickly become overwhelming. And many of us play so many different roles – parent, mentor, sister, colleague, leader, friend – that the difference between the jobs on our list can be vast.

Have a quick think now about what your to-do list looks like.

• Is it in one place, or is it scattered among various locations?
• Do you have a system in place to track what happens with different tasks?

It’s really common to find that we have a slightly different approach to tasks in different areas. You might be the queen of getting things done at work, and utterly all over the place at home. Perhaps you’ve got your kids’ scheduls totally handled, but your personal to-dos when it comes to life admin leave a lot to be desired…

If there are any areas where you sense things could really be easier than they already are, then read on.

Why most productivity tips fail

A quick word on some of the traditional productivity advice you might have tried before. You’re an intelligent woman, after all, and if there’s something that’s a challenge for you I have no doubt you’ll already have tried a few things.

Typical tips include things like:

• Batch similar tasks, like phonecalls or meetings, into one time
• Have a place to capture everything that needs doing
• Do the hardest things on your list first (most famously in the awesome book Eat That Frog)

What tends to happen in my experience is that these approaches work well for a bit… until they don’t.

You find yourself ignoring your list altogether, in the manner of a sulky toddler refusing to play any more. The perfectly-paced system cracks under the strain of a sudden avalanche of super-important tasks (AKA the dog’s sick, the washing machine’s broken, there’s a non-negotiable deadline and half your team are off sick with the flu).

If you can relate to any of that, here’s what I suggest.

The wisdom of cycles

First things first, it’s time to rethink one of the most basic assumptions we make when we try to plan our productivity, and that’s that we’re consistent in our outputs.

It’s so easy to look at those neat boxes in our schedules and think that getting the most out of the day is simply a matter of slotting one task into each slot.

But when you think about it, what you can get done in one hour varies enormously week to week, month to month, and even within the same day. Some days, you’ll blast through twenty fiddly admin tasks with superhero levels of energy… and others, just looking at your inbox is enough to send you into weeping, chocolate-craving can’t-cope mode.

So the first step is to begin to pay attention to the energy cycles you go through.

Step one: Track your energy

If you’re menstruating, noticing your energy levels throughout your cycle is a great place to start. Everyone experiences these slightly differently so don’t be surprised if your cycle looks very different to someone else’s, or if it’s changed from how it used to be.

If you’re not menstruating, try simply observing your energy throughout a length of time. You can do this very simply by jotting down a value from 1–10 for how much energy you have at any given moment.

You may find that your cycles correspond to the moon, or to another rhythm, or that it’s predictable within a 24 hour or 7 day period (maybe you’re a Monday morning fresh start person, or a mid-afternoon nap craver…)

Start to get a picture of how your energy ebbs and flows, and you’ll be one step closer to reaching a place of serenity when it comes to how you work.

Step two: Batch your tasks

Here’s where your to-do list can really hold you back: it looks like it’s a list of tasks that need to be done.

But what if you started looking at it as more of a “to be” list instead?

Each of the tasks on your lists requires you to be a certain way. If you’re researching something, you might need to be in curious, focused mode – and open to spotting intuitive connections among the data.

If you’re leading your team, you might need to be inspiring and decisive, and if you’re combing through your finances you’ll want to be clear-headed and detail orientated.

When you stop seeing your list as actions and start seeing it through the lens of ways of being you’ll find you can begin to associate tasks related not by type, but by energy.

You might have a phonecall to an irate client, a meeting with a difficult team member and a negotiation with your husband about where you’re going to be spending Christmas this year.

Those very disparate tasks wouldn’t be linked in a traditional list, but they are connected by the energy they require: You need to be clear and compassionate in your communication, firm in your boundaries, and open to listening to what the other person has to say.

Which leads me to the final piece of the puzzle:

Step Three: Begin to fit your “to be” list into your energy tracking

This is where the fun (and ease!) begins.

If you know that the week before your period you’re often feeling emotionally wobbly, physically tired, and impatient with “keeping the peace”, then it’s probably not the time to schedule that tricky money chat with your other half.

Can you postpone the performance review with the team member who always pushes your buttons, and make time for the tasks that you’ll be feeling more like doing?

Perhaps Monday morning you know you have a burst of energy and a real drive to start the week doing what matters.

That might be the perfect time to block out email notifications, and make progress on the deep-dive work tasks that need all your concentration – so that you start the week on your best foot forward.

Here’s how Emma used this process at the end of last year, when she joined our online BeFruitful program to gain more control of her time:

“Yesterday I was at home and while the children played, I started getting this batching thing underway. With my motto “don’t make it too complicated!” (I know my risk), I started a to do list with energy tags for some home things: preparing for Christmas and what’s needed to buy our flat off our landlord (she asked us if we wanted to – we’ve rented it for 11 years).

I then looked at my calendar, estimated the date of my next period and wrote in the best week of November to choose presents for my family, to plan the Christmas menu and to defrost the freezer to make space. I decided to negotiate a possible house purchase value with the Landlord and to organise our family finances to work out what we can afford.

I’m a physicist; one of only 8 women (and 50 men) doing my senior role, and 6 of the others don’t have children – the other who does works part time. So I have no real role model.

This has been a wonderful thing to find and I’m so excited to start using the ideas.”

Change is a constant

Of course, there’s no way you can reschedule everything in your life to fit in with your energy. Unexpected things crop up, and other people’s priorities can definitely impact your own.

But by using this approach to managing your tasks, you can begin to give yourself the best possible foundation from which to handle those challenges.

Instead of wearing you out or pushing you into overwhelm, your to-do list can become a menu of different energy types from which you can make sure you’re doing what’s best for you at every moment of your day.

Want to find out how to apply this process to your life?

If you’d like some extra support around applying this way of thinking to your to-do list; detailed step-by-step instructions on where to begin and how to put it into practice; plus our guide to the 5 different types of energy that will help you move through every task on your list with ease, our online BeFruitful program could be just what you need.

It’s the ultimate step-by-step system to help you take back control of your time and energy, and unlock hours of extra time each week.

Click here to find out more about the program.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

When you receive an unexpected windfall – whether an inheritance, lottery win, or sum from the sale of a business – it can stir up all kinds of unexpected emotions.

Along with joy and gratitude you might find yourself feeling surprisingly confused, conflicted, or even resentful at the choices you now need to make.

Money is totally inanimate: it doesn’t inherently hold any judgments or opinions. But the way we’re each raised to think about finances, combined with the cultural messages we receive around what money means, results in a potent combination of conscious and unconscious patterns when it comes to spending and investing.

Analysis paralysis is common when it comes to money

For some people, receiving a large sum of money is permission to make extravagant purchases or realize long-held dreams. For others, it can be a trigger for feelings of utter overwhelm.

Some years ago I worked with a client who inherited a substantial sum – and found herself utterly paralysed with indecision. Prior to the windfall she’d never experienced that level of wealth, and it threw her into turmoil – what did it mean to be responsible for that amount of money?

The good news is, if you find yourself unable to make a decision when it comes to your money you’re not alone. And what it likely means is that you’ve come to an opportunity to examine some of your responses and habits around finances, and reach a new level of empowerment.

When you’re able to make confident choices about money, an unexpected windfall stops feeling like a burden and becomes a delicious opportunity to make a difference in your life and those of others.

But before you do anything, here are 5 things to consider:

1. Take your time

It’s important not to feel rushed or pressured into making decisions around your finances, especially if you recognise that this is an area that you’d like to have more education in.

Acting responsibly means making sure you’re fully informed, and able to feel confident about the choices you make. These are likely to be outside of your usual range of financial decisions, so it’s completely natural to want to gather extra advice and support before taking action – and that will take time.

2. Get advice

Receiving sound, specific financial advice is really important when you’re dealing with a large sum. A good financial advisor will be able to explain the various options open to you clearly and without patronising you, and help you weigh up the pros and cons of each route (spoiler alert: there’s no “right” or “wrong” answer here!)

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes are models of empowered female leadership, and when it comes to making powerful decisions The Queen is the one to turn to. A Queen trusts herself implicitly and makes confident decisions. But she always turns to her trusted advisors to make sure she’s informed, and won’t act until she has all the information she needs.

Tune into your “Queen” to ensure you remain empowered and calm whilst listening to the wise experts you have invited to help you – without relinquishing your responsibility.

3. Know your values

Any decision you make around money has the potential to change the world. So it makes sense that knowing exactly what change you want to see is an important step when it comes to making decisions you can feel good about.

Your values will include abstract concepts – like security, freedom, or family – and you’ll also have certain causes you feel drawn to supporting. This doesn’t have to mean charitable donations: investments of any kind will contribute to different activities and themes in the world.

If you don’t know what your values are, you may wish to work with a coach or complete training like BePowerful to strengthen your connection to yourself and get clear around what matters to you most.

4. Deal with the feelings

Whether you’re looking at an inheritance of millions or struggling to stay on top of your overdraft, money brings up complex emotions. It’s tied to our identity, our sense of value, our self-worth and the myriad judgements and assumptions we all make about ourselves and others, every day.

Financial empowerment means making good choices around the numbers, but it also means sorting out how you relate to money on an emotional level. Good financial support addresses both aspects, and it’s one of the foundations of the training we offer to women around finances.

If you’d like to find out more about the support we offer to empower women when it comes to handling money – at work, at home, or with an unexpected windfall, click here to book in a call with one of the team.

5. Change your habits

A sudden windfall can be an incredible opportunity to access the education, training and support you need to transform your relationship with money. It’s a chance to think about your legacy, have an impact on the world, and set new financial habits going forward.

For the next generations, watching how you handle money and approach finances provides valuable lessons in what’s important and how we choose to make a difference.

Enjoy the opportunity to model a new way of making a difference when it comes to financial good fortune!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

This is a guest post by Helen Reynolds.

Every year, in the run-up to the One Woman Conference, the chat in the Facebook group follows a pattern. It gradually evolves from deep, open and supportive conversation about what we’ll learn, and what will be the key lightbulb moments, to clothing chat along the lines of – what the HECK should I wear for this event?

A 2-day event of any kind can be tricky to plan for. So here’s my advice on what to wear for a 2-day event – using the One Woman Conference as an example.

The One Woman Conference is unique

Anyone who has attended the conference before (and there are many, many that have, it’s such a great event they just can’t stay away!) know that there is no need to over think this question. They understand the vibe. They get that this is is quite possibly the most unjudgmental space you might ever find yourself in, and that literally anything goes.

Now, I know that this blanket advice isn’t terribly helpful if it’s your first time attending, and of course you might be planning to attend an event that has a different vibe – so I have prepared five packing tips for you.

Here are 5 things to consider when you’re deciding what to wear to a 2-day event.

1. Layer up

For practical reasons, it’s a very good idea to wear layers. Big rooms will sometimes feel warm and other times rather chilly, and if the content’s especially engaging or inspiring you may find yourself fired up with enthusiasm – or getting chills of new insight!

At the OWC, the team are always very attentive to your needs, but it’s practically impossible to keep a room at the ideal temperature for 400 women, so make like the Scouts and be prepared.

• Bring a cardigan if you like cosiness and a hug.
• Opt for a blazer if you feel your best when you are at the smarter end of casual.
• A big scarf that you can wrap around yourself is a good idea, just pop it in your conference bag when you don’t need it.

2. Wear heels… but only if you like!

Wear heels if they are your thing but please don’t feel obliged. At the OWC you don’t need to be smart, flats will serve you very well, whether loafers, pumps or trainers.

At any event, if you’re not a fan of heels then don’t squeeze yourself into them. There are lots of smart options for flat shoes that will help you stay relaxed and focused on the content instead of your aching legs! Be comfortable, be you.

3. Make comfort a priority

Whatever you wear in the daytime, if it’s not comfortable, you will be annoyed with yourself. The days can be long (in a good way!) and you don’t want to be distracted by tight waistbands or stiff, itchy fabrics. Make sure that whatever you choose is 100% comfortable.

4. Come prepared for different sessions

Find out in advance if the event you’re attending will have any components requiring a change – an outside element, or a formal dinner, for example.

At OWC the very fabulous (optional) evening activity that takes place every year (it’s the bit that everyone talks about most the next day!) requires you to be able to move freely around the room. Definitely ditch the heels for this part.

5. Dress for YOU

And, finally, and most importantly please dress for YOU. In my work, supporting women to discover their own, true style, I teach the importance of dressing for you first, then to adapt your style to the occasion. But how on earth do you do that if you don’t know your true style?

First of all, ask yourself this hypothetical question:

If you’d got the dress code wrong at any event, would you prefer to be over-dressed or under-dressed?

• If your preference is over-dressed, consider building an outfit around great jeans or well-fitting trousers, boots, a fabulous shirt or blouse in a colour you love, a blazer and a scarf.
• If you are happiest at the casual end of the spectrum, maybe try trainers, comfy jeans or leggings, a cosy jumper (with a t-shirt underneath in-case you get too warm.)
• Dresses or skirts are a good option if you like to express your femininity, or if you don’t like yourself in trousers/jeans. This doesn’t mean corporate-style workwear. That level of smartness isn’t necessary at this event, but a beautiful dress with a cardigan or blazer, worn with trainers, boots (or heels if they are your comfort zone) would work very well.

As I said earlier, what I want you to take away from this advice is that you need to show up to the One Woman Conference – and the same goes for any event – as YOU.

Not as an imposter.

Not as the person you wish you were.

Be you. Be comfortable, be real.

Incidentally, by the end of the two days, you are very likely to feel like a new woman. And you might feel ready to reflect this change through your clothes. A touch of colour, a beautiful print or some sexy shoes can make all the difference to how you feel. It’s all possible – just do it your way.

Want more style advice to empower and inspire?

If you’d like more specific style advice to help you to explore your own, authentic personal style, I’d love to send you my free video series, ‘5 Easy Style Tips To Look Your Most Fabulous Self’.

Every day for five days you will receive a short video that explains each vital element of style. By the end of the series, you will have a much clearer idea of which colours, styles, cuts, fabrics and accessories will work best for you.

You can access the free video series by clicking here.

Enjoy the conference!

About Helen

Helen Reynolds is one of our BeFruitful mentors, and works personally with Jo to put together her powerful outfits for the stage.

As an image consultant she’s helped hundreds of women to turbo-boost their personal style and develop killer confidence. Her speciality is in helping women who have lost their way with style and need a boost find clothes they love – and which love them back.

Find out more about her work and access free resources to help you find your style at www.helenreynoldsstyle.com