My local café is playing back to back classics from 25 years ago. These were the tunes that accompanied me around my first GAP year tour around Europe.

Green Day, The Beautiful South, Sinead O’Connor…

What are the tunes which take you back? What song, when you hear it on the radio, transports you through time to a moment decades ago – maybe being driven up to university, dancing with friends on a night out, wracked with adolescent angst in a room with the curtains drawn…

Because, hearing that music, I’m forced, and I mean FORCED, to reflect back on what has happened over those 25 odd years.

Trust me – I’m trying to do a completely different job right now – but the power of music is hard to ignore.

I did a medical degree. Travelled a lot. Lost my virginity. Directed plays. Dated. Was a doctor for a time. Was an acting student for a time. Found my true calling. Fell in love – way too many times. Spent a long time perplexed by men. Started a business. Struggled. Cried a lot. Succeeded. Laughed so much my sides hurt with my family. Toured the world doing what I love. Was heartbroken by the insensitivity of humans more times than I care to remember. Burned out. Rested. Started another business. Succeeded. Got married. Tried to have a baby. Had palpitations. Had a miscarriage. Stopped. Reassessed. Learned to sail. Got pregnant. Had a baby. Started One of many. Moved to the English countryside. Met great friends. Grew what’s becoming a movement. Started another business with one of my best mates. Had another baby at home in the bath, all 10lb 14oz of her. Impacted a load of lives. Went to Necker Island and met presidents, business mavens and human rights leaders. Sang carols in my living room with my friends.

I’ve done A LOT of awesome in the last 25 years.

Goodness.

But what I’m MOST present to listening to these old tunes is that WHO I AM is so different to who I was then.

Indeed who I am is different to who I was 10 years ago. Five years ago.

Dammit who I am today is different to who I was 1 year ago.

And I think that’s because throughout my life I’ve asked myself the same question over and over.

If I want to do x, then WHO do I need to BE?

You see, the me of twenty five years ago? You probably wouldn’t recognise her. Perhaps the one thing we still have in common is that she cared, deeply and passionately, about the world around her. I still do. But almost everything else: how we approach life, how we decide what to do, how we show up in relationship with friends, family, colleagues… all of that is different.

How about you?

When you think about the difference you need to make, have you ever asked yourself that question? Or have you tended to get caught up in the far more common one: “What do I need to do?”

When I look at the challenges the world is facing: in our society as we grapple with inequality, injustice and intolerance. As a planet, wondering what impact climate change, artificial intelligence, and our ever more connected society will have. And as stewards to the next generation, wondering what on earth they need to know to thrive and find joy in the coming decades.

I think perhaps the answer might lie in asking the right question.

Not what do we need to DO.

But who do we need to BE?

It’s the only way I can attribute the success I’ve had. And it’s something I think we could all do with reflecting on more as we set goals. What is it you want to achieve in the coming year? How are you ready to change? Ask yourself that simple question, and you might find the key to many of your challenges/
Find out who you need to be

This important question is just one of the ways you can set yourself up for success in the coming months. To find out how to turn it into results, join me tomorrow for a LIVE interactive workshop – no replay, no recording, just you and me and hundreds of other women around the world gathering to get clear on the future we want to create, and how we can make it happen.

Click here to register

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

If you’ve lost someone close to you, however long ago it was, you’ll know the indescribably impact bereavement has on your life. Two of the strongest threads that bind us together as human beings are the fear of dying and the unutterable heartbreak that shakes the foundations of our identity when we lose someone we love. Grief and the experience of death affects our sense of belonging, it reminds us that we are not immortal.

Loss of loved ones is an anticipated natural part of life. And yet it is devastating – so how do we get through it?

Here are five things I’ve learned about how we cope with grief, whether you’ve lost someone recently or many years ago.

1. Accept grief does not have an expiry date – and let go of expectations

You might have read about the seven stages of grief, and many speak of the first year after your loved one has passed as being especially hard. In my experience, any of the seven stages of grief can come at any time.

Six years after losing my loved one I went through a period of immense sadness when it hit home that they would never meet my daughter, that they were not here with me through the terminal illness of my mother – these feelings of loss and sadness could never have been anticipated in the first year after their death..

While it may seem depressing to think one can grieve forever, there are positive ways to embrace grief. Ask yourself how you can honour those who have passed, making that practice a regular part of your life.

• It may be fish and chips on their birthday or changing photographs of them regularly.
• It can be looking up when walking amongst the trees and simply inviting the memories back in.
• It may be writing a letter to them – updating them of all that you have in your life and letting them know what you miss about them.
• Speaking of them. Telling your family and friends about them regularly.

Your loss and your journey through it will never be like anyone else’s.

So stop questioning whether you are doing things “right”. You know what you need. Ask your heart, and ask your body – they will tell you if you listen – not the voices in your head of external expectations.

2. Forgiveness matters

It is difficult to start looking at what forgiveness needs to take place, when you know you’re never going to be able to have another conversation with the person you’ve lost.

But it’s an important part of the grieving process.

Forgive yourself, for all those thoughts you may have:

I didn’t do enough with them…
I wasn’t enough …
I shouldn’t have said…
I should have said….

Forgive them for the moments that sting, let go of the negative memories and replace them with happier ones… it feels better.

I held on to a memory for a long time of the last time I saw my brother before he died unexpectedly. We had a terrible argument. I clung on to this memory for years, until one day my coach asked me if I could let this go and replace it with a happier one.
I tried it, and I felt so much lighter. It was so simple. And it enabled me to really honour our relationship and his memory, instead of dwelling on a painful interaction.

3. Some people help, and others don’t. That’s OK.

When I was in the midst of grief, I found that some people’s energy was loving and holding whilst others didn’t know what to do.

Our cultural paradigm doesn’t like to see the messy side of grief. We tend to cover this up or keep it behind closed doors. Yet I found it was the people I least expected, often ones who had experienced loss themselves, who were able to cope with my snotty red nose and smudged mascara eyes.

Hang out with those who can, not those who require you to suppress your feelings.

Don’t be afraid to look inward and towards the loss. It is only through embracing it and the acceptance of death that we can truly live our fullest life.

I believe that our loved ones still teach us, even when they have passed. Listen for it. Ask yourself – what would they have said? How can they comfort you, even now?

4. Love conquers all

Love yourself enough to be patient:

• A grieving brain can be a thick fog. Expect forgetfulness, expect lack of enthusiasm for most things.. be compassionate to you.
• Wrap yourself in cotton wool at least for a little while. Know that your loved one would want you to be eating well and hydrating.
• Grief is draining, and I constantly felt tired. Allow yourself enough sleep.

Allow others to love you:

When they say “let me know if you need anything”… Let them know.

• Maybe you need some cheering up today.
• A hearty meal because you are exhausted.
• Some time to do something completely different, or space to talk about your memories.

Whatever it is, let them know.

5. Plant your roots again

The gales of grief can knock you to the floor. Uproot you, leave you blowing aimlessly for what can seem like an eternity.

It is therefore vital that you grab the ground in whatever way you can.

Start with a small, simple morning ritual like making a heart-hugging cup of tea. Do this one thing every day to ground you.

When you start feeling able, add another little ritual that will help you.

Plant some seeds to reconnect and embrace cycles of our great mother earth.

Look around you and embrace the seasons. Nest, make your home a beautiful space so that it can hold you.

Know that you are now part of a sacred group – you too are now a grief guide.

Are you a grief guide?

Have you experienced grief – and do you have any comfort to share with others who might be going through this tender time? We’d love to gently open up this conversation with you. Leave a comment below, and share your thoughts.

Want more support?

If you’ve lost a loved one, are feeling alone and could do with some support, join Debbie at the Dragonflies Club to be supported as you rediscover your purpose and joy. Click here to find out more.

About Debbie

Sailor of the Seven Seas | Adventure seeker | Sloe gin champion

Debbie is a partner at Austin & Carnley Solicitors and specialises in Wills and Probate. Her work and personal experience of loss led her to create The Lost & Found Dragonflies Club, a community for those who are grieving.

She is also a Grief Guide and One of many Certified Coach.

Maybe it’s a performance indicator you want to hit at work. A big client you want to land. A change you want to see happen in your industry, or a way of dealing with conflict you’d love your daughter to absorb.

Women’s leadership with impact: the mistake many of us make

We take the goal, and figure out what might get us closer to it.

I need to motivate my team more powerfully – better get some leadership training.

I need to achieve more in my day – time to sign up for a productivity course.

I want to teach my kids to be calm and steady in the face of challenges – this parenting book must hold the answers.

It’s totally understandable, because logically it makes so much sense. Only, have you ever noticed how it doesn’t work?

Life isn’t (often) linear

You might be the most well-equipped leader on the senior management team. But when you’ve been answering emails until midnight on your phone – there’s no way you’ll be present enough at the meeting to really move things forward. 

Maybe you’re totally au fait with the kind of parent you want to be. But you’re covering for a colleague at work, trying to work out what to wear to an upcoming event when changing room mirrors make you want to cry, and stress eating half a loaf of bread feels like the only way to feel sane again when you finally get home. Is it any wonder that your kids get the sharp end of your temper when you see the state they’ve left the kitchen in?

Your scenario is different. Mine too. But you get the picture. After a recent “Why does it take us 2 hours to leave the house?” fiasco, I found myself reflecting that leading a team is child’s play, compared to leading a family out the bloody door! Yet it’s the energy drain of trying to get the kids moving that will deplete me for work tomorrow.

Maybe for you it’s caring for a parent, or dealing with a legal battle with your neighbours, or weeping with frustration at the climate crisis (and tearing your hair out at how you can make a difference). Whatever it is, what saps your energy and exhausts you is very likely not directly connected to your goals at all.

Which is why when it comes to leadership, we do things a little differently.

Let me give you an analogy.

Why leadership is like a long journey

Imagine you’re heading off on a big trip by car. You need to get to your destination in a certain time. One way to approach that would be to ask “how can I get from A to B in the quickest way possible?”. You might decide to drive faster, and push harder, to get there.

The trouble with that is, you might well end up doing damage to the engine. Breaking down, or even writing it off completely.

In human terms, this is what we’d call overwhelm or burnout. And it’s inefficient as well as unpleasant. When the radiator blows, it actually costs you more in the long term to slow down, let the engine cool off and wait for a mechanic.

Or, worse still, blowing the car up completely and being forced to abandon the journey all together – AKA total burnout, something many of us have experienced.

Our approach is different

Instead of starting with the end goal, we take it as a given that you have the skills you need as a leader. Sure, you might have more to learn along the way – we trust that when it comes to extra skills or education, you’ll handle that the way you always do.

But to go back to the analogy of the car, if your big impact as a leader is the destination we’d prefer to focus not on the destination, but on the vehicle itself.

Are you using the right fuel? Is the engine working optimally? Are you choosing to drive in the right conditions, and take breaks when you need them?

In other words, we start with you. 

Women aren’t machines

Because here’s the thing. We’re not engines. We’re not production lines, or factories, and when we spend too much time looking at ways to maximise getting to our goal we actually underestimate our power.

We assume that we must be deficient in some competency, rather than realising that most of the time we have the skills we need when we’re in the right frame of mind, body and soul to use them.

I truly believe what holds great leaders back has much less to do with skills and much more to do with simple energy management.

• How easy is your home life?
• How much sleep did you get?
• Are you exercising and vital?

The best we can do for our leadership is to charge up, rest and replenish. Because the world needs your leadership. Now, more than ever.

Give yourself the time you need

You might be reading this and thinking “Yes, Jo. I know I need to take better care of myself. I just don’t have the time to do that.”

We’ve created something to help you with exactly that conundrum. 

BeFruitful is our signature time and energy management programme, and if you’re reading this and thinking that it all makes a lot of sense, now is the time to go and check it out.

(Until 27th September you can get the program for 50% off, as part of our 5th birthday celebrations… so don’t hang about!)

Our mission is to change the world and we know you can’t do that when you’re frazzled, exhausted and running on empty. So this simple, yet life changing training will show you how to start to manage your time and energy in a sane way.

A way that honours your natural rhythms and cycles. And that will ultimately free up — at minimum — 5 hours a week for you to spend on the people, causes and activities you really care about.

Getting your rest. Giving your best. Feeling whole, happy and replenished.

This is what will free you up to be the leader you already are – so you can get out there and change the world.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.