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A nifty trick for creating healthy habits

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It was seriously cold. Think, minus 28 degrees Celsius. My eyelashes were frozen… my hair was frozen… and there, on the back of a sled, whizzing through the breathtaking Swedish scenery, I learned a really nifty trick when it comes to developing healthy habits.

From a husky, of all things.

Yup, my 2018 trip to Sweden with the Empress collective of female entrepreneurs certainly came with some unexpected results! And I want to share one of them with you today – because it might just make the difference when it comes to any healthy habits you’re planning to create.

What a husky has to teach you about habits

Just in case you’re not au fait with dog-sledding terminology (you mean that’s not one of the many strings to your bow?), here’s how it works.

The sled is made up of a team of dogs. To the untrained eye, it looks like they’re all pelting madly in the direction you want to be heading.

But, as in any effective team, every member plays a different role. There are some that are great for balancing the sled on turns and corners; others who provide the “muscle” that keeps the pace up and the momentum going.

And right at the front, are the “Lead Dogs”. These are the ones that caught my imagination – and I’m going to explain how they relate to you, I promise!

Lead dogs are great at listening to and responding to commands. They’re fearless, and motivated to keep bounding forward even when the going gets tough. In short, they’re the dogs which pull all the others behind them, keeping them on course.

And this is where your habits come in. You see, there are certain needs which I now think of as “lead needs”. They pull everything else behind them.

For me, a really key need is sleep. If I have a good night’s sleep, I’m more likely to meet all my other needs more effectively – drink enough water, do my morning pages, make a healthy breakfast… everything else follows on from there.

Why “lead needs” make a difference

In the words of Sarah Stokey, of Turning Heads Kennel in Alaska,

“Sled dogs with good attitudes see obstacles as challenges to overcome and they thrive in adversity. Great lead dogs do not back down when the going gets tough, rather that is when they shine the most!”

Your “Lead Needs” will operate in exactly the same way. When life gets full and challenges arise, embedding these key habits will help support you in every other area of your life.

So when you’ve figured out your “lead needs”, how do you build habits around them that will really stick?

Habits that stick

In his excellent book The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg calls these kinds of foundational needs “Touchstone habits”. They’re the habits which have a knock-on effect on multiple other areas of your life.

When it comes to getting these behaviours in place, he suggests a 3 step process:

  • Cue
  • Reward
  • Routine

Now in my experience, the “cue” part bears careful thinking about.

Research shows us that if we’ve thought through in really specific detail exactly what we’ll do when it comes to a desired behaviour, we’re much more likely to follow it through.

Thinking through the real-life scenario of what you’ll do as part of your new habit can also help you identify the little tweaks that will allow you to craft a truly effective trigger for what you want to do.

Creating an effective trigger

Let me give you an example. A while back I had a goal to drink more water. I came up with a great cue – every time I took a loo break, I’d have a drink of water. The more hydrated I am, the more I need to go, so it’s a virtuous circle, right?

Only, when I thought through the actual step-by-step of how that would work, I realised that something often stopped me. I didn’t want to go into the kitchen when Rosie, my little girl, was playing – it would disrupt my work time and distract her from her activities too.

So my game-changing action was to leave a jug of water in the hallway, so I didn’t need to go into the kitchen. That made the cue I’d chosen really effective.

Maybe for you you’d love to get to bed earlier.

You think through what needs to happen – and realise that when it doesn’t it’s usually because you’ve been on your phone, scrolling through social media and falling down those “internet rabbit holes” that suck us in.

The solution might be to set an alarm on your phone for an hour before bedtime and at that point, literally switch off the wi-fi router. That’s a powerful trigger for your bedtime routine, with a reward of a lovely herbal tea in your favourite mug, to help you drift off.

So here’s my suggestion if you’d like to implement a new habit:

1. Identify your Lead Need

(It might be a Touchstone like exercise, which research shows has several beneficial effects or something you know makes a huge difference to you personally.)

2. Think through the actions you’ll need to take

Include what blocks or challenges you can head off before they stop you

3. Pick your trigger and set yourself up to succeed

Make sure you choose a lovely reward – it doesn’t need to cost money or be complicated – to celebrate your new habit!

I’d love to know how this works out! Let me know in the comments, and share your healthy habits with others.

Not sure what your lead would be?

If you know you’d love to feel healthier and more energised, but aren’t sure where to begin, you might be interested in joining us for BeVital – a 2-day retreat where you’re guided through an in-depth look at how you can bring more vitality into your life. It’s definitely not a bootcamp, a diet or an exercise regime – more a gentle, supportive transformational process designed to give you back control.

For more info, click here to arrange a call with the team and find out all the details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How journalling can help you survive the holidays

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Journalling is one of the most powerful and underrated tools there is when it comes to creating the life you want. And at times of year when there’s lots going on, family stresses, or emotions coming up, it can help us in powerful ways. So today I want to outline how journalling can help you survive the holidays – and support you into the New Year too.

If you’re not in the habit of writing in a journal, I get that there can be a bit of mystique around the process. Perhaps you’ve heard other people talk about the power of journalling, but not quite managed to get the habit set up yourself. Even if you’re a regular journaller, the 3 things I’m sharing today will help you deepen your understanding of how journalling can help you navigate busy times, and hopefully give you some tips to develop your habit further.

If you have questions, or if you use your journal in other ways than the ones I’m listing here, do scroll down and leave us a comment. I’d love to know how you use this practice – or what challenges you face when trying to get started – so that we can help each other.

1. Start each day with Morning Pages

This idea is the foundation of my journalling practice, and it comes from the excellent book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron (highly recommended if you’re looking for a book to gift yourself!)

In the Artist’s Way, Julia suggests clear guidelines for morning pages:

  • Write first thing in the morning, as close to waking as possible
  • Write as fast as you can, for 3 A4 pages – no more, no less
  • Don’t show your pages to anyone else
  • Don’t re-read your pages for at least 8 weeks

Now, the realities of life might mean you don’t always manage to get your 3 pages written before doing anything else. If you’re a parent, your mornings are already packed, or just can’t see how you could squeeze and extra half hour in before work, it might even sound impossible.

These days, with two children and a business, I consider these guidelines the “gold standard”. There is something really powerful about tapping into your unconscious before any other activities have happened, or you’ve even spoken to another person. But free-writing  at any time of day will still make a huge difference.

So you’re ready with your notebook and pen… where do you start? Julia says, essentially, “just write, and write fast”. For me, that pace is really key. Don’t worry about your handwriting or whether what you’re writing is “good” or “makes sense” – remember, no-one else is ever going to read this.

If your mind goes blank, or you find yourself getting stuck trying to “figure something out”, just keep writing (even if you’re literally writing “I don’t know what to write… I don’t know what to write”, over and over again).

I’ve found there’s often a really juicy idea or unexpected insight right on the other side of that “stuck” place.

The power of starting your days with writing, especially during a busy time like Christmas when you’re likely to have lots of things going on, is that you start the day by connecting to yourself – your own intuition and inner wisdom.

If you’ve got lots of people around you, it can be an incredible relief to allow yourself space to tune into “radio you” and listen to what’s bubbling up.

In Julia’s words,

“The voice of our original self is often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people’s expectations.”
― Julia Cameron

See if you can give yourself just half an hour each morning to pour out whatever comes up onto a page – and notice the difference it makes to your day.

2. Process the emotions that come up

The festive season might be a time of goodwill and celebration – but it can also feel like bloody hard work.

  • Maybe you’re staying with your parents as an adult, and reliving your teenage resentment and anger with every “house rule” you find yourself trapped by.
  • Perhaps you’re being shunted from pillar to post like the gift no-one wants.
  • Or maybe your entire office has swanned off for the holidays, and you’re the one holding the fort.

Whatever your flavour of festive challenge, using your journal to process how you’re feeling can be an incredibly effective way to shift those emotions and keep your energy flowing rather than stagnating.

If something comes up, you find yourself triggered, or you get overwhelmed with emotion, grab your journal and pour out how you’re feeling. You could write it as a never-to-be-sent letter, or just a stream-of-consciousness rant to let off steam.

Needless to say, Julia’s recommendation to keep your writing secret applies doubly here! Don’t let your uncensored thoughts fall into the wrong hands – or you might have a drama worthy of a soap opera Christmas special on your hands.

3. Use your journal to create your year ahead

Especially if you’re not where you want to be this Christmas, physically or emotionally, one of the most powerful ways to use your journal is to create. Think about what you’d love to bring into your life, or how you would like things to be different for you next year.

Rather than scrolling through fitness equipment online or googling “how to change your entire life in 6 weeks”, spend some time connecting to your intuition.

  • What would your body love to do?
  • Where do you wish you were right now? How would you like to feel?
  • What would be an amazing thing to experience in the next twelve months?

Journalling is where I get some of my best ideas, and when combined with the practice of morning pages some inspiring dreams and incredible ideas can open up.

Should you read your journal back?

Deciding whether or not to re-read your journal is a personal thing. Some people prefer to burn or throw away their journals, and trust that what’s important will come back to them.

Personally, I’ve found Julia’s “8-week” guideline feels like about the right amount of time for me to wait before returning to what I’ve written. If you choose to revisit your journals, you might want to look out for:

  • Challenges that have stuck around, and it might be time for you to deal with: “I’m still totally stressed out at work. What help can I access around that?”
  • Great ideas you might not have remembered, and want to take action on
  • Inspiration at how far you’ve come: “I can’t believe how hopeless I was feeling about my marriage – things have come a long way!”

Journalling is one of our foundational tools at One of many, and one of its greatest roles is in helping you find greater peace and connect to yourself.

Over to you

How about you – are you an avid journaller? Or is it a tool you’ve never quite got the hang of? Share your experience below – and let us know if it helps you get through the festive season with your sanity intact!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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My partner doesn’t meet my needs

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When your partner doesn’t meet your needs in a relationship, it’s tough. Even when you’re in a relationship, you can end up feeling isolated and alone. From the hug when you walk in the door to support talking through a family crisis; from sharing the financial load to really listening when you want to open up about your emotions or being willing to go to family functions by your side.

Your needs matter, and when you’re at a point where you feel like they’re being ignored, it can be crunch time.

Here are some tips for navigating the complicated scenario where your partner’s not giving you what you need.

How to know what your needs are

Now, let’s get clear on this first: before you start addressing a partner who doesn’t care about what you need,  you need to know exactly what those needs are.

There is a world of difference between what we need and what we want. If 
we don’t have what we want, it will usually be okay. If we don’t have what we
need, we won’t be okay.

Needs are things which you would rather be single than be without.

So, the way to establish what your needs are is to start by writing down a big list of everything you want from a relationship. In an ideal world, what is it you’d get from your partner?

Next, you’re going to review each want and then you’re going to drop below it to what it is that you actually need.

Here are a few questions to help you through from a want to a need.

  • Why do I want 
that?
  • What does that provide for me?
  • 
What is the need that this quality fulfills?

Be careful not to over complicate. Just drop through really quickly. Try and trust that your unconscious knows what the underlying need is.

For instance, back when I made a list like this when I was single, one of my wants was that “he’s tall”.

When I did this exercise, I asked myself “Would I rather be single than being with a short man?”

No. So, it’s not a need.

What is it about him being tall that is important to me?

That he’s strong… that I feel small compared to him… – was what came to mind.

Is it really about feeling small compared to him? No, it’s not about that.

What is it? I realized that what I really need is to feel feminine.

One of the ways that might get expressed is through him being tall, but if he’s short and I feel feminine we’re okay.

Does that make sense? I dropped down through to what it was that I actually needed.

If I was in a relationship where there wasn’t room for me to feel feminine, I’d rather be single than being in that relationship. That was the need.

Many of those wants that you have on your list are going to end up being expressions of the same need, and you’ll probably find you get down to about five to eight core needs.

What to do when you know what your needs are

Once you’re clear on your needs, they become a really powerful tool.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner’s providing them, brilliant. Acknowledge them and celebrate that!

If you’re in a relationship and they’re not providing one of those needs, tell them why it is a need for you and they can choose to provide it or not.

You might find having done this process that the original need you were frustrated about not being met has shifted. Now, you know that you’re more in need of physical affection than a hug when you walk in the door. Let that be the start of the conversation with your partner.

If you’re not in a relationship, it’s a brilliant conversation to be having if you’re considering it being a long-term relationship. This is what I need. What do you need?

If they can’t provide what you need

There may be a situation where you recognize that someone can’t provide what you need on the list. You might be in a long-term relationship with someone and feel like you’re looking down the barrel of a gun.

“Holy crap, I know there’s something on this list that they actually can’t provide.”

What then? Allow me to introduce you to the paradox of needs.

The paradox of needs

The paradox of needs is this: You actually don’t need anything from anyone else.


Everything that’s on your list, you could actually provide for yourself. Think about that for a minute.

You don’t need anything from yourself even.

Actually, you don’t need anything at all.

There are things which sustain our body and keep us alive. But the thing about relationship needs is, you actually don’t need the other to provide any of that for you. You can have it all even without them.

But when you choose to be in relationship with somebody, then you can choose to have it as one of your frameworks: “Here’s what would really enhance my life. I would rather be single than not enjoy these things together.”

Can you see how that offers a much more empowering framework? If something happens to your partner and they can no longer provide one of those needs, or they’re not willing to change to meet that need, you could choose to end the relationship.  You could choose to go and get that need met somewhere else. You can still choose to be love and keep loving.

Needs are a framework

Needs are a great framework for relationship. But even if you look at them and think, “I’m not getting them met right now!” that doesn’t mean you absolutely have to end the relationship. It means have 
a conversation.

Recognize with your partner that you need it and have conversations about whether they can provide it or not and is it possible for you to get it from somewhere else? If it is, are you still happy to stay in the 
relationship? Can you work on that together?

Now we’re getting into conscious creation of relationship. The kind ofrelationships that our spirits want to be enjoying on the planet. And that’s one of the most interesting conversations of all.

How about you?

Have you had an experience of your needs not being met in relationship? How did you navigate it? I’d love to know your story – share it in the comments below. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Exhausted for no apparent reason? Here’s how to recover

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

A couple of years ago I was so tired that trying to decide whether to just collapse into bed, or have a bath first, was enough to leave me utterly stuck. OK, in my case there were pretty clear reasons for me to have got to that state: I was 26 weeks pregnant, anaemic, and I’d just completed 2 events practically back to back – one of which had required to me to be onstage for 3 days straight. But whether you’ve been in Superwoman mode like I was, or if you’re exhausted for no apparent reason, when the going gets tough the wise woman takes heed.

We all know what it’s like to be tired from time to time, or to reach the point of exhaustion after an especially draining period. If you’ve been getting a big project at work off the ground; are breastfeeding a newborn or have been pushing it for some other reason, you probably anticipate needing to replenish for a while. But if you’re feeling exhausted for no apparent reason and just can’t seem to stop feeling tired, it’s definitely time to take stock.

Here are 5 signs you’ve got a point of exhaustion, and 5 emergency steps to take right away – before you find yourself at burnout.

5 signs you’re exhausted

Overdoing it is one thing. But if you’re in a chronic state of stress, overstimulation and over performance – and you’ve been in that mode for a few months or even a few years – it can be harder to recognise the signs.

Here are 5 things to watch out for.

1. You’re tired… all the time.

No matter what you eat or how much you sleep, you’re still tired. Ironically, this can actually make it even harder to get to sleep or experience quality rest when we do finally drop off. It’s a sign your system’s running on adrenaline (quite probably reinforced with caffeine) which can leave your nervous system actually unable to calm down enough for you to get the rest you crave. It can also show up as oversleeping which still doesn’t seem to cure your tiredness.

2. Procrastination or lack of motivation.

If you’re an overachiever, you’ll know this as the time when you really start to be hard on yourself for not performing. Similar signs include decreased executive functioning: reduced productivity, reduced performance, forgetfulness, and a general sense of mental fogginess.

If you find yourself berating yourself for messing up or dropping the ball, take a moment to consider if any of these other signs are present. Could you be suffering from exhaustion?

3. Escapism

This is a symptom I’ve lovingly nicknamed the “Netflix sign”. It’s when you know there are things you could do that would probably help how you’re feeling — like going to bed, for one — but instead you stay on the couch and fire up another episode of whatever series you’re into. Or lie in bed scrolling through Instagram or checking Facebook.

These kinds of behaviours tend to arise because we’re trying to avoid a feeling of overwhelm, and they often go hand in hand with other “bad habits” like drinking too much alcohol, smoking, or reaching for the sugary snacks.

4. Detaching.

When we’re tired, many of us find ourselves tending to detach from others – for me it’s accompanied by a feeling of “I just can’t be bothered talking to anyone”. I’ll stop ringing my family, not want to talk to my husband when the kids have gone to bed and find myself avoiding communication with friends. Ironically, it’s when I’m most likely to need the support of those who love me that I withdraw most; can you relate?

5. Trying to control/fix things.

This is the flipside of the tendency to detach or withdraw – some of the women I’ve coached have shared that the opposite is true. When they’re exhausted they find themselves going into “fixing” mode, in an effort to control the people around them.

Suddenly driven to distraction by your colleague’s disorganization or your partner’s refusal to address their family strife? Check in with yourself first – is this a distraction from your own exhaustion?

What are your early warning signs?

This list is by no means exhaustive, if you’ll pardon the pun. We all have unique patterns and behaviours that come up when things have got on top of us. Take a few minutes to think about times when you’ve been at a point of exhaustion – or to be honest abut how things are right now.

If you’ve got an exhaustion sign that’s not on this list, chances are someone else will share it too. Share it in the comments below, so we can help each other spot the warning signs together.

How bad is it?

Are you reading through the list above thinking you’ve got every single one of those signs going on in your life – and more? Then it’s time to take action, because you might well be very close to – or already – burned out. If that’s the case, reach out and let us know. Click this link to book a call with the team. Burnout needs dealing with, and we have some of the best support out there for women who’ve reached that point – and if we can’t help, we can signpost you to somewhere that can.

If you’re not in crisis, and know you need to turn things around before you get to that point, here are 5 steps to take.

5 steps to get you out of exhaustion

These steps are simple, because we’re dealing with exhaustion. That’s the point where it actually becomes really hard to make plans for how you’re going to replenish yourself and get back on top of things, because you’re simply not functioning.

So, these 5 steps are designed to get you out of exhaustion and back to a more resourceful place from which you can start to see a real difference.

1. Reach out

One of the most important skills we need to foster is the ability to lean in to the support we need – from each other. Ask for help, in whatever form you need. In my case, it was literally asking a friend to come round and tell me: do I need to have a bath now or just go to sleep?

Maybe you need someone to babysit so you can go to bed at 7pm, or to do your grocery shopping, or lend you their spare room for a night whilst promising not to tell you the wifi password.

Don’t know who you’d call? Our BeOne community is the online space where women around the world gather to find community and support. Click here to join us.

2. Sleep.

Of course you need sleep, you’re exhausted. But when you’re past the point of clear thinking, it can be easy to underestimate just how powerful this is. Turn off the TV, put your phone on airplane mode, and get to bed early. Like, 7pm early. It’s time to get serious about catching up on sleep.

If you’re having trouble sleeping, work through some of the other steps first – or try some simple steps to help you unwind like avoiding screens or taking gentle exercise.

3. Rehydrate.

This is a less obvious one, but it can make a real difference becauseone of the first things we forget to do when we’re knackered is drink enough fluid. Rehydrate quickly by mixing up a jug of a mix of 1 part juice, 4 parts water, and a couple of pinches of salt.

Rehydrating the brain dramatically helps your executive function – and when you’re thinking more clearly you’ll take exponentially better care of yourself as you get back to a place of replenishment.

4. Nourish.

Yup, we’re going right back to basics. If you’ve been grazing on chocolate or eating out of the work vending machine, it’s time to get some decent nutrients inside you and eat a good square meal. Get your body filled up and make sure you have the energy you need to replenish physically.

5. Get physical

Finally, do something to take care of your physical body. A massage, a sauna, a long bath… something to take care of your physical body will make an enormous difference to your exhaustion. It doesn’t have to be expensive and it definitely isn’t a luxury – it’s an essential if you’ve found yourself at rock bottom.

Taking these 5 simple steps will give you the best possible chance of replenishing yourself to a stage where you can start thinking about a longer term strategy to get out of this state for god. Put them somewhere where you can see them in case of emergency – and pass them on to anyone in your life who needs them.

Need to get back on track?

When you’ve dealt with a crisis of exhaustion, it’s time to look at longer term ways to avoid reaching that limit. That might include reducing stress, asking for regular support from people around you and getting really clear on what you need in order to maintain your energy and wellbeing.

If you’re a member of our BeOne Community, check out Soft PowerCast 52 for an audio session all about how to deal with exhaustion. And if you’re not yet a member, click here to join – it’s free and this and a whole bunch of other resources are free when you do.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Can you do coaching certification online?

By

Annie Stoker

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many
Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.
Annie Stoker

Latest posts by Annie Stoker (see all)

If you’ve decided that you want to become a coach you’re probably already excited about making powerful transformation a bigger part of the work you do in the world. Naturally you’re curious about how certification works – can you do coaching certification online? Do you need to choose a residential course? And what do you need to be aware of when choosing a coaching training program?

No two coaches are the same

Every coach embarks on their journey to certification with a totally unique background, set of experiences, and motivation.

You might be planning to add coaching tools to your existing work as a manager or a leader in a corporate setting. You’re confident that coaching is going to be the missing piece when it comes to radically shifting the results that are possible – in an environment that brings the very best out of the people you work with.

Or maybe you’re ready to go it alone. You want to set up your own business and run it exactly how you want to you – perhaps offer coaching sessions via Skype or phone from your home, and you’re wondering if you could do the certification process remotely too.
Here are some things to consider when choosing the coaching certification that’s right for you.

Coaching certification online

The beauty of technology means that these days it’s perfectly possible to undertake coaching training online from anywhere in the world.

Profound transformation can take place over video call; you can observe coaching sessions and receive feedback on your own practice remotely; and trainers can answer questions, provide support and help you reflect on challenges from anywhere in the world.

Advantages

  • Convenient no matter where you are or how easy it is for you to travel: if you’ve got an internet connection, you’re good to go
  • If you’re planning on coaching remotely, it makes sense to complete your training in the same format
  • You can choose the training provider that’s right for you regardless of their location

Disadvantages

  • If you’re on the other side of the world, timezones can be an issue – always check the times of live components to make sure you don’t miss out
  • If you never meet your peers or teachers face to face, it can take longer to develop rapport
  • Completing certification from your own environment means you’ll need to be disciplined about creating the appropriate space to learn

Coaching certification in-person

In a world that’s ever more connected digitally, face-to-face interaction has a unique quality. It feels richer and more potent than ever. The connection we feel and the learning we’re able to experience when we’re physically present has a very different quality to it. And the very act of travelling to a different location can help facilitate an even deeper learning experience.

So what are the pros and cons of completing your coaching certification in person?

Advantages

  • If you’re going to be coaching in person, for example of part of managing the team, having training that takes into account your body language and presentation is invaluable
  • No need to worry about creating an appropriate place to learn – that’s all taken care of for you
  • If you’re a kinaesthetic learner, in person training is likely to match your learning style better
  • The intense nature of setting aside back to back training days, means lessons can be integrated more deeply without the interruption of every-day life
  • You’ll make closer friends with your cohort of trainees- people who will be your peer support group as you venture into your new profession or role

Disadvantages

  • There may be additional costs for travel and accommodation
  • Your choice of training provider will be limited by your ability to travel
  • Your time commitment may need to be greater

What about a blend of the two?

Finally, there is the option of undertaking a certification which blends online and off-line components. This means you get to combine some of the advantages of both virtual and live courses. For example, we teach much of our own coaching certification remotely – allowing our trainees to observe coaching sessions, experience coaching, and be mentored on their practice.

Our five day intensive, on the other hand, is held in person and live. It’s when our coaching trainees come together in person to experience deep transformation and connect with their peers and our trainers in real life. At the moment it’s not an experience we think can be replicated online, meaning our global trainees travel to the UK to experience that part of the training. (They’ve flown to the UK from Australia, New Zealand, the Netherlands, Kuwait, Switzerland, Germany and the USA so far!)

Advantages

  • Different learning styles will suit different teaching methods, and you’ll get to experience the full range
  • Learning how to coach both in person and online will give you an insight into the differences each format brings to your coaching practice
  • Travel costs and time commitment will be significantly reduced if you can complete part of the training at home
  • A live component will allow you to connect more deeply with your training provider and your fellow students meaning your post-graduation support network is profound
  • Virtual spaces to learn and connect with trainers and peers can support you wherever you are in the world, no matter where your coaching takes you!

Disadvantages

  • You’ll still be responsible for some travel, and possibly accommodation
  • Dates for live elements are likely to be planned well in advance, and might not be flexible
  • Connections that are made in person may have to be maintained online depending on your proximity to the other trainees

However you do it, coaching training is transformational

When you train as a coach, you’re learning how to use tools and techniques that can create huge transformation for people.

During coach training you not only learn to work with these tools with your prospective clients, but you also experience what it’s like to receive coaching yourself.

So it’s important you choose the environment that is right for you, and which fits with both your learning style and the vision you have for your future coaching practice.

If you’re trying to make a decision about which coaching certification to choose right now and would like to talk through what’s available with a member of our team we’d be really happy to help. Just click here to contact us and we’ll be in touch to arrange the best time for a call.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to ask for help without being needy

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever got to the point of total overwhelm and exhaustion… not because you didn’t have the support around you, but because you just didn’t know how to ask for help?

I had one particularly memorable meltdown after spending the day with a new team member. Ironically, this amazing woman was someone I’d hired to take the pressure off me!

But I’d probably left it a little late to start to delegate… and by the end of a full day of training and induction, I was experiencing that “frog in boiling water” thing. You know – where you don’t realize how much the stress is building up because it increases little by little, incrementally, until you’re at breaking point.

Once I’d calmed down and looked back at all the triggers that had finally got on top of me, I realized that I’d been doing a whole lot of supporting of the others all around me, and not getting the support I needed. And I had only myself to blame.

Sound familiar?

I had a whole crew of super competent people ready to help me. But I’d fallen into the habit of thinking that I didn’t want to bother my incredibly supportive – but also incredibly busy – team with things. So I ended up doing more and more, and eventually something had to give – and that something was me.

Maybe you can relate. You might also be someone who finds it really, really hard to ask for help – even when there are plenty of people who’d be happy to give you a boost when you need it.

Why it’s hard to ask for help

Strong, independent women often share a huge fear – that of being “needy”. After all, we make things happen for ourselves.

Even if you’re not a business owner you probably do have a team, by which I simply mean people who are willing to help you out: it could be an assistant, a childminder, or even just someone who gives you a hand with the ironing once a week. It might be your best friend, your partner or your mum.

But actually asking for that help brings us into conflict with the ‘superwoman’ part of us that sees receiving help as a sign of weakness.

There’s a vulnerability that comes with asking for help that seems deep-wired into our psychology, and that can stop us from reaching out to let other people know what we need.

Perhaps you resist delegating because, deep down, you don’t trust other people to do as good a job as you do.

Or you think it’ll take just as long to teach someone else to do it… so even relatively unimportant jobs linger on your ever-growing list of things to do.

Whatever your reasons for going it alone, the bottom line is all of us have a finite amount of time. Asking for help is essential if you’re going to make the difference you want to – and avoid burnout.

Help is closer than you think

Most successful women know we need to get help. “I know I need a new PA” we tell our partners for the fourteenth time. “I should ask Helen to help me update my resume…” we muse over after work drinks.

And yet, our fear of being seen as needy and our discomfort with receiving help gets in our way. Plus, what if someone says no? In fact, you’re actually much more likely to receive the help you want than you think.

One study by Cornell University found that we underestimate the likelihood of people helping us by a whopping 48% – in other words, people are almost twice as likely to help you than you imagine.

So, deep down you’re pretty sure you need support, and you’re much more likely to get it than you imagine when you do ask. How can you get over the hump and access the help you need?

The PowerTypes answer

Here at One of many we use 5 Womens PowerTypes™ to guide us to our most powerful form of leadership. These powerful models of feminine power each have specific strengths we can draw on when we need to – and it’s the PowerType of Queen we connect to when we want to practice the art of receiving.

Think about Queen Elizabeth, receiving a brave explorer who brought her a treasure from a far off land. Did she tell him “Oh no, you shouldn’t have bothered… I couldn’t possibly accept that?”

No. She receives his gift graciously. Fully in her power, she thanks him for the trouble he has gone to – and he receives that thanks as his reward. A cycle is created, where both parties benefit.

The act of receiving help graciously is, also, a gift.

When we don’t know how to receive help gracefully, our discomfort can sabotage the arrangement we’ve made. We find some way to unravel it: we don’t say thank you to our friend for the favour they’ve done and they get upset… we hire a PA and after 3 months we stop wanting to bother them. The work piles up, and you might even doubt their competence, when in reality what’s happened is your inner superwoman has kicked in.

(Unlike the Queen, Superwoman hates asking for help, which means she’s terrible at receiving.)

If you’ve been wearing your Superwoman cape more than your crown lately, here are 4 steps to asking for help without being needy

1. Start by recognizing that help is fundamental to the success of your business, family and community

There’s a lot at stake here. Consider what you provide for your children, your relationship, your team members, your community.

The work you provide for other subcontractors and service providers.

Given all that, can you see that taking care of your wellbeing is an absolute MUST? If you are not being energetically supported, and opening it up to others, then your wellbeing diminishes, and eventually it stops. So being fully supported wherever you need is a vital part of your work in the world.

2. Be specific about how you ask

What would be most useful to you? Rather than “I need help with this presentation”, think about what would make the most difference.

Do you want someone to read through your slides, to spend an hour as you run through what you want to say, or to give you feedback on the overall message?

Do you need your PA to block out time in your diary for you to get stuck into writing, send a quick “got your message” response to someone who’s waiting for an email, or take ownership of the sales spreadsheet you’re forever behind with updating?

It’s much easier for people to give you a clear answer to a specific offer – or to refer you to someone who they know will be able to help.

And when you do ask, don’t pre-empt a no

The data is clear – we’re much more likely to get a “yes” to a request than we imagine. So don’t fall into the trap of assuming it’ll be a no, or weighing down the request by saying things like “I know this is a total pain” or “You’re probably way too busy for this…”

Try thinking about how you feel when someone asks you for a hand. Most likely, you’re happy to help out – or, if you can’t, to say a polite “no”. The same probably goes for your friends, family and colleagues.

Focus on the difference it would make in a positive way – “This would save me loads of time” or “It would really make me feel less anxious to know you were there” and you’ll help the person you’re asking feel great about saying yes too.

3. Step into your Queen – and receive graciously

When you’re in the mindset of the Queen, the help you receive is a gift. It might be a great piece of advice from your accountant, a loving hug from your partner, or the person delivering your groceries.… whenever anyone is doing something to help you out, don’t push them away. Be gracious, be serene, be open to receiving. The way you graciously receive is, in turn, a gift to the giver.

A door being opened, being helped with your luggage, some hand-me-down toys from the neighbours, a smile from a stranger – every little gift you receive activates the archetype of the queen. And the more you receive, the more you will attract gifts into your life – it’s a deeply powerful practice.

It sounds obvious, but turning around the paradigm of doing everything ourselves takes all of us to play our part. Be open about the help you need, and generous with the ways you can help other people. By modelling what it’s like to give and receive help generously, you’ll help those around you break free from superwoman too.

Want to explore the Queen further?

If you’d like to learn more about the Women’s PowerTypes™, including a full description and a playlist of music that can help you tap into the energy of the Queen, download the “Life’s Little Toolkit”. As well as our favourite resources to stop worrying and beat overwhelm, it contains a guide to the Womens PowerTypes™ and suggestions for music to help you embody each one. Click here to access your FREE Toolkit now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What marriage is really like

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Want to know what marriage is really like? Let me paint you a picture.

We’re in the kitchen, when Greg opens the fridge and does a double take.

“Why is there so much food in the fridge? Do we have people coming round, or something?”

He knows the answer already. I’ve mentioned it at least twice, once when we were talking business last weekend and again as we played with the kids at the park.

“Yup. Annie and Susie are coming to stay at the weekend”

His response, let’s say, is not what I expect.

“Well. That’s the first I’ve heard of it.”

Ever experienced something similar with your other half? A time when it felt like they’d totally ignored something you’d clearly told them at least once?

Did you fly off the handle, accuse them of ignoring you, or seethe inwardly at the fact that for the hundredth time the thing you’ve told them has taken second place to sports fixtures, historical trivia, or whatever else they deem to matter more than your words?

Marriage, or indeed any loving partnership, is a wonderful and deeply beautiful thing. But beyond the wedding photos, special dinners and mushy moments (I’m not knocking them for a second) are the thousands, millions perhaps, of interactions just like the one Greg and I had in our kitchen that day.

Opportunities to connect – or withdraw.

To confront – or surrender.

How about you? When was the last time you had a communication breakdown with your partner? Think back to it now, because today I want to share a really helpful reframe that helped give me a different perspective on these kinds of interactions, and what they mean to me.

The difference in how we think

I am a big fan of anything that brings us a greater understanding of what makes us tick, and more capacity to empathise with other people’s behaviour.

That’s why I’ve found it so helpful to learn about the science of how our brains can work in vastly different ways.

So, let’s dig into what’s really going on in the interaction I described.

Ignoring… or interruption?

So in the example above, the scenario was pretty clear from my perspective. I’d told Greg numerous times about the plans for the weekend, and he’d chosen to ignore me, right?

Previously, I would certainly have taken it personally. After all, I know that when it comes to certain other facts – historical dates, the price of gold, all kinds of random (and from my perspective pretty irrelevant) trivia – are lodged in his brain indelibly. And yet when it comes to important information about guests in our house, apparently it just wasn’t important enough to hold on to.

What changed that tendency to take things personally was when I learned about the modal tendency some people – including Greg – have wired right into their brains.

No idea what I’m talking about? Read on.

The ‘modal’ model

What I learned after looking at some really fascinating research is that some people’s brains, especially when they’re in instinctive or ‘animal’ states tend to be much more “modal” than others.

That is to say, they tend to be focused on one task or problem, with anything not directly related to solving that problem being filtered out as having less significance.

In other words, when I mentioned our upcoming guests in the context of a business meeting, Greg was focused on the specific challenge we were discussing in that moment. He wasn’t ignoring me – he simply wasn’t registering its relevance outside of that context.

The same thing happened when we were having family time with the kids. Playground time meant playground time for Greg – not time to plan ahead, think about guests, or wonder what the fridge would look like when he opened it on Friday morning.

The strengths of modal thinking

Now, when I discovered my husband hadn’t heard a word I’d said I could have easily jumped straight into anger. But the more I learn about the way other people’s brains work, the more I appreciate the strengths that way of thinking can bring.

Narrow, deep focus allows problems to be solved all the way through to completion. The focus is on finding the solution to that one priority – which makes for incredibly efficient, focused resolution to even complex problems.

It’s a fantastic way to combat stress, because wider worries and awareness of things which aren’t directly relevant is swiftly filtered out by the modal brain. Greg definitely hadn’t been worrying about how we’d be taking care of our guests when they arrived, after all.

When we start to recognize that the ability to think modally is a distinctive thing, we can not only have compassion. We can start to admire it. That way of thinking is a real gift – it allows them to be completely present, immersed and ‘in flow’ in what they’re doing.

What’s more, it gives us clues as to how to make future interactions more positive.

How to interact with a modal thinker

Male or female, partner or boss, when you’re interacting with someone whose brain works in this modal way there are 3 key things to bear in mind.

1. Firstly, be aware of this tendency.

If your partner is a one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, it might be worth doing what Greg and I do and allocating specific slots in the week to talk about things you need to. We have 3 meetings: one for business, one for life admin, and one for finances. If you’re not running a business you probably need less, but the principle is the same: by allocating a time to talk about the topics you need to cover, you’ll avoid the spontaneous interruptions that modal thinkers find so challenging.

2. If you need to interrupt, do so thoughtfully.

Just as with my toddler, if it’s appropriate then touch can be a great way to signal that a change in topic is needed. Ask permission: is it OK if I interrupt you for a minute? And wait until you get a clear “yes” before launching into what you’re saying. A non-committal “uh-huh” or silence probably indicates you don’t yet have their full attention.

3. Ask them what they need

You might suspect your partner is a modal thinker, but nothing beats having a conversation to find out their perspective. I don’t mean launching into a “I’ve diagnosed you with this problem I read about on the internet” next time you have a disagreement, tempting as that might sound. But you could try asking your partner “How does it feel when you’re interrupted from something you’re doing?” or suggesting you agree a way to deal with logistics when it comes to your home.

What marriage is really like

So, to return to my original question – what’s marriage really like? For us at least, it’s a journey of learning.

Of noticing what causes emotions to run high, and getting curious about why that might be.

It might be to do with brain chemistry, personal triggers, or something that’s totally unique to you. Either way, it’s worth exploring what you can learn about each other and instead of taking the patterns personally, asking what they can teach you to appreciate in your partner. Choosing to understand, admire and celebrate our differences only deepens our connection with each other.

How about you? Have you found a niggle or source of friction that you were able to investigate and turn into a strength? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you’d like to get more tools and strategies to strengthen your relationship and bring more love into your world, join us for our BeLove Retreat. Click here to book in a no-obligation chat with one of our team and find out the full details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What burnout feels like

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The statistics about burnout are pretty sobering – here in the UK, women are 60% more likely to suffer from it than men. If we’re going to change those stats, the first stage is knowing exactly what we’re talking about: what does burnout feel like, and what can we do about it before, or if, it sets in?

We had an amazing discussion over in the Facebook group recently all about what burnout feels like. I’m talking the specifics: physically, mentally and emotionally. It sparked some incredible shares from so many courageous and capable women, all of whom knew straight away what burnout out felt like. (If you’ve been there, take a second to think – how would you put it into words?)

What blows me away is how many common threads there are in our experience. If you’ve felt like this before (heck, maybe you’re feeling like this right now) the most important thing to take away from this is: you’re not alone.

Here’s what you need to watch out for:

What burnout feels like: 6 signs it’s time to press pause

1. Burnout is exhausting

“Burnout is waking up in the morning feeling pinned to the bed wondering how you will possibly move your limbs to get out”

Yes, we’re all tired from time to time. But when you’re struggling to get up in the morning, every morning, don’t give yourself a hard time.

It may well be a sign that it’s time to ask for some extra support. If exhaustion’s a recurring issue, ask yourself if you might be heading towards burnout.

2. Burnout is confusing

When capable, intelligent women find their brains just aren’t working, burnout’s likely to be the cause.

“A grey cloud fogging my brain”
“It stops me from making clear decisions and fuels self-doubt and inertia”

When we can’t think straight, more often than not, burnout’s the culprit.

3. Burnout is lonely

Burnout sneaks in to make us feel as though we’re all on our own. Words like “isolated”, “alone” and “cut off” came up again and again when women reflected on their experiences.

The truth is, you’re not alone – this is a really common experience, and one that there are so many people willing to help you through. It’s with the support of those around you, and communities like ours at One of many that you’ll find your way back out again.

4. Burnout is constricting.

“It feels like being behind bars”
“Like being stuck in the middle of a whirlwind of panic and impossibility”

We can be so quick to blame ourselves when we’re stuck, but the truth is real possibilities open up once we’re back on track and feeling taken care of.
Are you really out of options, or is overwhelm to blame?

5. Burnout is physical

It might not have a medical diagnosis, but our bodies are often the first to give us powerful indications that something’s up.

“It feels like a metallic ‘taste’ in my whole body”
“Thinking causes physical pain in my head and I can’t get my face to smile”

For you it might be a sensation in your throat, tummy or shoulders. Learn to spot it early, and you’ll be able to get the support you need before it gets too much.

6. Burnout isn’t you

“It feels like I am not me”
“Like being an imposter in your own life”
“As though I have lost the essence of me”

When things get too much, it can feel as though we’ve failed somehow. When the truth is, these are all signs that it’s time for a break. You’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and it’s time to stop and replenish yourself to get back to who you really are.

Getting out of overwhelm

If you’re starting to notice some of the signs of burnout right now, there are some simple things you can do straight away to start to turn things around.

From frantic to fruitful is a free online training I run to help get you off the treadmill and back to a space where you feel calm and in control of everything that’s on your plate. Click here to book your spot on this powerful webinar and discover a simple but counter-intuitive step-by-step approach to overwhelm.

Another exercise I’ve found really helpful to get you out of that emotional fear-based “I’ve fallen short” feeling is to consciously tap into a “celebrating and acknowledgement” phase. Start to get present to what you have achieved, instead of focusing on everything you haven’t done.

Grab a pen and paper and reflect on what you have achieved over the past six months or year. Take some time to look back and recognize what outcomes and intentions you did bring to fruition.

Even if they are smaller in number or magnitude to what you had hoped, look at the less-obvious intentions you’ve achieved

Having done that, you’ll see that, you know what? Often what’s wearing you out, more than the actual pace, more than what’s on your plate is a conflict between perhaps what you intend for yourself – your big goals and high expectations – and where you are on your journey.

Recognizing that, you may find that you can discover a new perspective that takes the pressure off and gives you space to be able take better care of yourself and be grateful for how far you’ve come.

For me, going through this process gives me access to an energy which is forgiving, nurturing and nourishing. And I hope that you’ll be able to do the same, if you recognise some of the signs of burnout starting to creep up. Challenge yourself to be gentler. Challenge yourself to pull your goals back.

If you’re nice to yourself, you might just discover that you can be more, do more, and give more than you ever thought possible.

Feeling particularly stuck?

Sometimes we are so burned out that no amount of positive reflection on our own is going to help. You may well need professional support- medical or otherwise.

Don’t be embarrassed. This is all too common in women, and very frequent symptom of what we affectionately call “Superwoman Syndrome”.

If this feels like the situation for you and you’re not sure which way to head, please reach out to one of our team by booking a call here. We are more than happy to help you determine whether this is something that can be handled with some gentle slowing down and coaching, or whether you need to seek other professional help.

Burnout is a biggie. Let’s help each other recognise it, heal it, and shift the culture to prevent it.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What self love is not

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The concepts of “self love” and “self care” get talked about a lot in personal development circles. You might catch yourself thinking that you really should be doing more to take care of yourself, or show yourself love. (Feeling like a failure about your lack of kindness to yourself kind of defeats the point, don’t you think?). At One of many we have a very clear take on self love, and how it fits into our lives, so today I thought I’d break down 3 important distinctions to make when we talk about self love – and what self love is not.

Self love is not selfish

It’s a common assumption that loving yourself is a selfish or narcissistic tendency, when the opposite is true. Being able to accept yourself for who you are – imperfections included – is a really important step in becoming someone who’s able to be generous and forgiving of others.

The fact is, constantly feeling inadequate, or experiencing feelings of shame, doesn’t just affect you. Getting caught up in insecurity takes your energy and focus away from the things you’re here to do – whether it’s making a difference with your career, your family or your community.

Learning how to love yourself might in fact be one of the most generous things you can do.

Self love is not something you have to do alone

A bubble bath, a good book… our stereotypical images of self love often involve us being alone, and for good reason. Time to ourselves is a precious commodity in this hyper-connected world.

But learning to love yourself can be something that’s far easier to do in a group of likeminded others – people who can really appreciate your special qualities, and reflect them back to you.

On our retreats, and in the training we lead for coaches, many women experience for the first time what it’s like to be seen and truly appreciated. Even within the lively community of our Facebook Group it’s remarkable how much lifting up there is of one another; how much appreciation for all the hundreds of tiny unseen acts of courage we show in our daily lives.

If you’ve been trying to find a way to love yourself in isolation, maybe it’s time to connect with a safe community of women who can help show you what you’re missing – the things others notice that you might never have stopped to appreciate.

Self love is not a luxury

When you need comfort, reassurance, or just some time to rest up after a setback or a blow to your confidence, it’s really important to be aware of how you can best take care of yourself. That doesn’t have to mean having a full-on spa experience when things are going well and you’re feeling sky high. (Though that sounds lovely – sign me up!)

It’s also about noticing when you could do with a bit more rest, and choosing to have an early night. It might mean standing up for yourself when it comes to your demanding boss or needy friend, setting clear boundaries, and claiming some space for yourself.

Self love can be choosing to get up and have a glass of water when you need a break; making sure your kitchen’s stocked with nourishing food when you know you’ve got a busy few weeks coming up, or spending time with a friend who lights you up.

The Women’s PowerTypes™ perspective

At One of many, we use the Women’s PowerTypes™ as a tool to help us understand where we need to grow, and as tools to help guide our expansion. We each have a unique “profile” reflecting the PowerTypes we most easily embody, as well as those we find more challenging to step into.

These 5 powerful PowerTypes help us to show up fully as ourselves, whatever the situation, as well as showing us where we might want to focus our attention to see the biggest results when it comes to making change.

Each of the PowerTypes™: Warrioress, Sorceress, Mother, Lover and Queen – contains aspects of self love. Whether it’s honouring our playful nature, trusting in the mystery of the universe, or knowing we have the capacity to make great decisions, loving yourself starts by knowing that you are able to step into your power whatever the circumstances.

The two PowerTypes™ most relevant to self love are Lover and Mother.

When we’re in Mother, we are infinitely empathetic and compassionate. At our best, these qualities allow us to nurture ourselves as we do everyone else in our orbit. But when this aspect of our personalities is over-expressed, we can tip into the martyr, neglecting our own wellbeing to support others.

This is where the PowerTypes of the Lover comes in. Sensual and pleasure-seeking, she reminds us to honour our physical needs and delight in the world of the senses.

To find out more about the PowerTypes™, download our free guide to the Women’s PowerTypes™ – it’s part of Life’s Little Toolkit, our secret weapon of 5 free resources to help you through whatever life throws at you.

Click here to download it now.

And share your take on self love in the comments – how do you take good care of yourself in your day to day, and what tips would you give any woman who’s finding it a challenge?

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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I love my kids, so why do I shout at them?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It’s something every parent has surely found themselves wondering from time to time: I love my kids, so why do I shout at them?

If you don’t have children, there’s probably another example you can think of.

You adore your partner – so what was with those sarcastic words that came out of your mouth when they asked an innocent question about your plans a few weeks ago?

Or maybe you find yourself responding with surly monosyllables in conversation with your Dad one Sunday afternoon. Are you forty, or fourteen right now?

I’m sure you can think of an example from your own life where you found yourself lashing out at someone you know you care very deeply about. It can be so frustrating. You know you’re a capable, confident woman deep down. So where on earth does she disappear to at these times, and what can you do to get her to return?

You’re not alone

First things first, you are most definitely not alone. Sit down for a glass of wine with any mother and she’ll probably confess to moments when she really wasn’t proud of the example she was setting to her kids.

Sit down with a glass of wine with me, and I’ll confess to moments of the same.

We all have times when we slip into a mode that’s not really who we are, or who we want to be…

One client I talked to at one of our retreats told me abut a recent time when she’d totally lost it with her husband. “I was cruel and mean,” she told me, thinking back to the way she’d lashed out at him. “And it wasn’t even over anything big.”

At One of manywe refer to these unhelpful responses as coming from disempowering archetypes, and there’s three that most of us identify with at one time or another.

3 ways we lose it with our loved ones

1. There’s the Bitch – cutting, maybe even sarcastic, and always unkind, she’s the sharp tongue that snaps at your kids when they’re taking far too long to get ready; the tone that has your partner running for cover, or the look that makes your colleagues wish the floor would swallow them up.

2. The Victim is that stroppy teenager part of you – the girl who just thinks life is so unfair, but that there’s absolutely nothing she can do about it. In victim mode, we throw up our hands and declare that everything’s out of our control. It’s all other people’s fault, and you might as well just curl up in a ball and give up. Nothing you can do could possibly make a difference anyway, right?

3. The final sister in our trio of despondency is the Martyr. Her signature is to pile up her plate with task after task, responsibility after responsibility, sacrificing her own wellbeing for everyone else – and simmering with resentment about it. She’s the last one to leave the office and the first to volunteer for an extra duty, with a big sigh to make sure everyone knows how hard she’s working.

Breaking free of the disempowering archetypes

Crowning all 3 of these is the archetype we call Superwoman. She’s the woman trying to juggle everything: her home, her relationship, her work, her self-expression… doing it all, by herself, with no one else’s help. She simply doesn’t have a stop button.

Superwoman runs on pure adrenaline, most of the time, and it’s no surprise that when we push ourselves to be in superwoman mode for most (or all!) of the time, we can find ourselves heading for exhaustion, sickness or burnout.

What’s going on?

Knowing these archetypes is a really great way of starting to be able to get to a more resourceful place – one where you can actually begin to anticipate times when things are going to get tough, and maybe even change your behavior ahead of time.

In our BePowerful program we use an exercise called “trigger tracking” to begin to notice exactly when we tend to move into the archetypes that least serve us.

For my client who’d shouted at her husband, she identified quickly that she was moving into”bitch” mode. And the trigger was nothing to do with her husband – it was a looming work deadline that sent her into a tailspin of stress that was directed at her nearest and dearest.

What you can do

So if you find yourself yelling at your kids, it’s likely that you’re moving into one of these disempowering archetypes – and that might well be because Superwoman is showing up in your life.

Here’s how to gently retire these ladies from your day-to-day life.

1. Forgive yourself

When you’ve shouted at your children or said something unkind, it’s easy to let that drag you into self-recrimination: “I shouldn’t have said that”… “I’m a horrible person”.

Start by forgiving yourself. We all have off days; we’ve all said things we wished we could take back from time to time. Apologise to the person you snapped at, if that’s appropriate, and then move on. This is a prompt for you to take a closer look at yourself and see if you can change the pattern.

2. Notice what happened

Get curious about what it is that flared up, and what happened just before it to prompt it. Was it, like my client, a reminder of a pressing work deadline that had you worrying you might fail – a touch of “imposter syndrome”? Or did your partner inadvertently remind you of an insecurity about feeling accepted?

Kids can be great at pushing our buttons, completely without meaning to – and with no idea of the reaction they’re going to get.

Identifying your “triggers” isn’t about going into victim mode or blaming others for setting us off. But it can help you give those closest to you clues about times you’re likely to feel tense, and give you a heads up that it might be time to prepare for stress to come up.

3. Take care of yourself first

The bottom line when temper flares is that your needs aren’t being met in some way. Perhaps you’re run down and exhausted, and you just need a rest. (If you’re completely overwhelmed, our overwhelm first aid kit might be just the thing).

Or there might be some historical emotional patterns that are asking for your attention. Working with a coach or through a program like BePowerful is a really gentle, supportive way to take a look at any area where you know you’re not feeling at your best, and learn new strategies to make changes.

How about you?

Do you know you have a tendency to flare up at certain points? What are the triggers for you, and how do you work through them – letting the people in your life know when you have a pressing deadline, perhaps, or giving yourself an extra time buffer in between appointments so you (and the kids) can decompress? Share what works for you in the comments below.

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