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Guest post: What to do when emotions take over

By

Thea Jolly

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many
Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.
Thea Jolly

Latest posts by Thea Jolly (see all)

This article is by Thea Jolly, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and BePowerful Programmes.

Last week, things suddenly spiralled out of control. It happened as I was explaining to my son that he couldn’t play on the xBox because of his behaviour the night before. It can be so hard when emotions take over. You’ve probably experienced it yourself at some point – whether at work, when talking to your partner, or as a parent – can you relate?

I could feel it happening but I wasn’t able to stop it.

My emotions suddenly jumped into crazy ninja warrior mode.

They took over the words that come out of my mouth and added that tone of voice that we all recognise: the I-can’t-take-this-anymore, the-world-is-going-to-end, how-can-you-do-this-to-me, overwhelmed and exasperated mother.

I knew that this mental and emotional hijack usually spells doom for any conversation, but I couldn’t force myself to walk away.

Proceedings went downhill rapidly, and after I stormed off (I know!) all I could think was:

Why can’t I control myself and my emotions?

Why can’t I manage to say the right thing?

What could I have done differently?

What should I have done?

How could I have left my love and compassion locked up inside of me when my son and I needed them the most?

All I could feel was deep despair and disgust at myself for acting so emotionally.

But why?

When emotions take over, why are we so hard on ourselves?

Feeling strong emotions is just a normal human reaction, after all. Sometimes we just lose our sh*t.

And that’s OK.

How we recover from that is the most important thing.

Yes, we can look after ourselves, get enough sleep, set effective boundaries, learn to manage our thoughts and emotions better, all the things we learn to do at One of many, but even so, there will still be occasions when we lose control and let it all out!

I admit, it’s not pretty, but hardly reason for such self-hatred.

Learning to handle emotions, even strong ones, requires us to develop our emotional resilience.

Emotional resilience is not about bad stuff never happening to you.

It also doesn’t mean you never feel bad, make mistakes or lose your temper.

It’s about riding the ups and downs of life with more optimism, equanimity and compassion.

Instead of beating yourself up for being human, here are three ways to increase your emotional resilience.

3 ways to increase your Emotional Resilience

1. Choose to adopt an optimistic explanatory style.

Many of us get into trouble because we tend to react to every thought and emotion as if it were the only truth; that this situation or emotion is going to last forever and that it will affect every single part of our lives. We think in terms of things being very personal, all-pervasive and permanent.

As psychologist Martin Seligman explains, this “explanatory style” is linked to learned helplessness, the very opposite of optimism. Our explanatory style – how we explain our experience – makes a big difference to how we interpret and cope with events, feel about our life, and therefore how resilient and happy we are.

How do you speak to yourself after making a mistake?

“I wasn’t paying enough attention today. It didn’t help that I have so much on at the moment. I can do better tomorrow. It doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person.”

Or do you say something like:

“That was so stupid! I always mess up! I’ll never learn. Everything in my life is going wrong.”

When we get overwhelmed by emotions we can easily fall into a state of helplessness. We react not from a place of power but as a victim, buffeted about in the wind.

So instead of letting your inner critic in with its personal, pervasive and permanent statements of ‘truth’ choose an optimistic style instead.

  • Don’t take things so personally. Instead of blaming yourself for something, acknowledge the part played by other people, your energy levels, luck, or circumstances.
  • Don’t allow one event or mistake to contaminate the rest of your life. Just because you burnt the dinner doesn’t mean you are rubbish at everything in your life.
  • Don’t get fixated with how it is now. Remember few things are permanent. Yes, you failed your driving test, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never pass it in the future.

2. Practice viewing life with equanimity.

The Mirriam-Webster Dictionary gives the following description of equanimity.

“Equanimity” ….. means “with even mind.” English speakers began using “equanimity” early in the 17th century with the now obsolete sense “fairness or justness of judgment”

I like this description because it explains the core of resilience – that to be resilient we need to have an ‘even mind’. Or in other words, we need to treat everything that happens to us and in our life equally, with fairness and good judgement.

After an emotional episode like I had last week do you ever think, only a few hours later: “Wow? What was all that about? It’s wasn’t even that bad.”

Our emotions don’t last forever. And actually, if we let them, they pass quite quickly. When we allow them to, our bodies and minds come back to their equilibrium naturally.

Learning to distance yourself from your emotions – and treat them with an even mind – in the moment is really important.

To help you do this try my Resilience Script:

1. Notice the feeling and label it: “I’m noticing that I’m feeling …. angry/hurt/rejected etc.

2. Accept, validate or soothe yourself (while taking deep breaths to calm your body): “…and that’s OK. I’m human and this is normal”. “I’m just being triggered by something and my Inner Critic trying to protect me.” “It’s OK, this is just an emotion/thought. It will pass”

3. Choose how you want to think and behave instead: “I’m going to walk away and respond when I’m calm’” or “How can I keep myself calm here?” or “Which Powertype would be useful here?” or “How can I be curious here and allow the emotions to pass?”.

But sometimes, as happened in my experience last week, I noticed I was angry and I couldn’t use the resilience script. I often use it and it works well, but last week it didn’t.

So, what do we do then?

3. Stop Judging Yourself

Just because you feel bad doesn’t mean there is anything ‘wrong’.

Last week I felt like my emotions were all wrong. I told myself that I should have done so many things to stop this happening, or to get out of the feelings faster.

But really, my biggest mistake was to judge myself so harshly, which such high expectations of robot-like consistency. Instead, I could have been more even-minded and compassionate to myself.

How I reacted to what happened was neither right or wrong – it was a normal human reaction.

What happened also had no implications for my worth as a person, wife or mother. Emotions are simply feedback.

We have a sign in our kitchen that says: “Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I need it most.”

Applying this to ourselves is really hard, because we live in a culture which punishes people harshly and shames them when they do things ‘wrong’ and make mistakes.

But in reality when we are struggling with our own imperfections and vulnerability, judging ourselves harshly for these human traits is the worst thing we can do. It is like added fuel to an already raging fire.

Instead we need to recognise what is happening and be our own protector. We need to wrap ourselves up and look after ourselves. Then we need to reach out and speak to others. Using words, music, nourishing things, we can reconnect with our equilibrium and our equanimity.

Sometimes this takes longer than others, and that’s OK.

My son said to me later, when we’d apologised and had a cuddle: “Let’s put that all behind us, Mum.” Wise words from a wise soul. We could all take a leaf out of his book.

Thea Jolly is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Thea, click here. Or for a taste of her work, take the free Are You A Perfectionist quiz by clicking here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What Michelle Obama has to say about the power of community

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It was as the First Lady of the United States that we first came to know Michelle Obama. But since leaving the White House she’s stepped seemingly effortlessly into a role that arguably eclipses her husband’s in terms of influence and inspiration.

As a mother, a leader and an advocate for women’s power (not to mention a sought-after speaker and best selling author), she’s managed to retain a genuine air of relatability.

I’m sure I’m one of many women who could totally imagine grabbing a coffee (or a cocktail!) with Michelle, instinctively feeling that sense of closeness that only comes from deep authenticity and openness.

It’s a rare quality in a public figure and one that speaks of remarkable inner strength. And as I read back over some of her best-known quotes, it’s easy to see why. So many of the Soft Power principles we live by here at One of many have been powerfully articulated by Michelle over the years. Here’s a roundup of just a few.

On the importance of taking care of yourself

In her interviews and conversations, Michelle’s repeatedly been an advocate for taking care of ourselves as women. Around here, we know it as “Soft Power Principle Number One”: First, replenish yourself.

It might sound obvious – if you’re hungry, you eat. If you’re tired, you sleep… Right? Only, as any woman who’s pushed through overwhelm, exhaustion or fed-up-ness knows – it’s surprising how long you can keep going past your own natural limits, when you feel you have no choice.

As mothers, as leaders and as team members we know that even when we’re mentally and physically depleted, somehow we can keep going. But that doesn’t mean we should. In Michelle’s words,

“Women in particular need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we’re scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don’t have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to do’ list.”

I love how Michelle frames self-care not only as a matter of doing what’s right for ourselves, but as a model for the next generation.

Our actions matter when it comes to the example we set to the women looking up to us.

How can we show them how we expect them to be treated in the world? Leaving the office on time, so that junior colleagues see that holding power responsibly doesn’t entail burning the candle at both ends? Or letting the young people in your life – nieces, baristas, the student intern – see that you’re not afraid to show up as you are, and ask for what you need?

For Michelle, part of her leadership is showing her daughters how important it is to make time for herself.

“When I get up and work out, I’m working out just as much for my girls as I am for me, because I want them to see a mother who loves them dearly, who invests in them, but who also invests in herself.

It’s just as much about letting them know as young women that it is okay to put yourself a little higher on your priority list.”

Whether it’s taking responsibility for our finances; creating equal partnerships with our spouses, or standing up for the causes we believe in, we’re not only doing it for us but also acting as leaders to the women growing up in the world we’re creating. I don’t know about you but for me that’s a real motivator when it comes to prioritizing my needs.

We can’t do it alone

So it’s important to take time for ourselves, and to remember that we’re always modelling choices for those around us to. But what happens when things get hard? When perhaps the thought of being an “example” to others can feel like pressure we just don’t need.

Here’s another thread where I find our work hugely aligned with Michelle’s – connection with other women. In her words,

“Sometimes we can’t do this alone, and we shouldn’t have to.”

Our community of women is one of the most powerful I’ve ever experienced – when it comes to work, life, or relationships, I never fail to be astonished by the depth of the friendships and support I see at our retreats, at the One Woman Conference, and in our online community.

For some of us, it’s the first time we’ve experienced true connection with other women – who we can rely on to tell us the truth, share their highs and their lows, and stand with us as we grow.

On the days when I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water I can hugely relate to how highly Michelle speaks of her own inner circle of women.

“I relied on my girlfriends to get me through one of the hardest eight years of my life. … We have to remember to be that for each other.

We have to be each other’s light. We cannot get into that catty stuff. We have to find a way to continue to lift other women up in our worlds and in our lives as much as possible.”

Lifting other women up. It’s a phrase that sums up so beautifully the power of our community and the truth that we’ll all rise higher when we do it together.

If you’d love to experience it for yourself, click here to join us and find out more. We all need each other if we’re going to create the world we want to live in.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest post: What to do if self-love is hard

By

Emily Jacob

Emily Jacob is a coach certified by the ICF, and a Master NLP Practitioner. She is an author, speaker, and founder of ReConnected Life, helping women to go from living a half-life, one day at a time, and living their full, whole lives again.

Through ReConnected Life, Emily helps women all over the world in her supportive community, and through her online programmes and individual coaching. Her Taste of Recovery programme has been licenced by RSVP, and is helping to support survivors whilst they wait for counselling resource.

Emily is a graduate of Lead the Change, and a One of many certified coach.

Latest posts by Emily Jacob (see all)

Does the idea of loving yourself feel confusing, challenging, dangerous – or even impossible?

Today I want to share what to do if self-love is hard, and give you some practical steps you can take to start to reconnect to yourself.

For many of us, accessing our inner Lover PowerType can feel like a real challenge.

Maybe your parents were filled with their own self-loathing and couldn’t model what self-care or self-love looked like.

Maybe you were bullied by others as a child and internalised the idea that you were the failure they said you were.

Maybe it was something worse, that left deep scars.

Or maybe you’re stuck in Martyr, and loving yourself, or taking care of yourself, feels indulgent when there is so much to do, and other people to take care of.

Whatever the reason, we can feel so much resistance to letting go of the learned self-loathing – and we don’t feel we deserve to feel better anyway.

The secret is, the self-loathing patterns that we are holding onto so tightly were built for a reason: protection.

And so to start the journey of letting go, and letting in love, we have to learn to trust that we are no longer in need of that protection. The good news is that there are some steps we can take that will help to build that trust and open up to letting in self-love.

Step One: Prioritise Yourself

The first step is to acknowledge that you are resistant to prioritising yourself and your needs, and that you would like to change this. This might seem obvious, and yet it is one of the hardest things to do. For someone who has a lifetime, decades often, of an armour that has built tight around themselves, an armour that was built for survival, the concept of unlocking that armour is terrifying.

You will probably have hidden the existence of this armour of self-hatred in a cloak of self-deprecating humour; or in being brash and curt, perhaps angry, attacking first; or being the quiet one in the corner, always smiling, always agreeable. It might be so much a part of you that you don’t notice it anymore; except the idea of prioritising yourself feels wrong.

Say out loud: I want to be able to prioritise my needs (whisper it, you’ll be starting to put yourself first already).

Step Two: Build Your Self-Care Rituals

By explicitly acknowledging to yourself that you want to change, you will have put your amygdala on high alert. Change is uncomfortable, and change that requires letting go of that which we believe has protected us from further harm feels dangerous. Therefore, step two is about calming the parasympathetic nervous system, and reducing the alarm bells that are ringing loud.

There are many, many ways to do this, and you will find what works best for you by experimenting with different methods.

You may already have developed your go-to soothers for those times you’ve felt under attack in the past; this step avoids those which indulge your self-loathing (eg. eating or drinking to excess, cutting, over-working or exercising) and instead emphasises those that start to build self-care.

Here are some ideas:
• Long, soapy baths – maybe add some Epsom salts, or essential oils and candlelight
• Meditation
• Yoga, or other body calming exercise (if you have a history of trauma, be careful with exercises that focus on the pelvic area)
• Getting out in nature
• Doing some craft work, or art

And the simplest is breathing, deep and long, connecting into all of your five senses, grounding yourself into the Now.

You may want to stay within this step for a while, until your self-care muscle is sufficiently strong, so that you know you can self-rescue if you ever need (whisper it, you’ll be starting to trust yourself).

Step Three: Begin to Heal Yourself

It’s a myth that once broken we will forever be broken. That is simply not true, although it is a very powerful myth that can keep us trapped in Victim and unable to access Lover for a very long time.

When we start to explore inside ourselves with curiosity and no judgement (tip, practicing meditation in step two will help tremendously with this), we start to see clearly that what happened in the past to trap us in the self-loathing armour was not our fault.

You were not to blame

The process of this exploration will be different for us all, and for some it might involve accessing the support of a counsellor or coach. Or, you might choose to work on your healing yourself.

Regardless of how we process the unravellings of the layers of armour, peeling layer after layer, we must recognise that this can mimic the trauma, and so feel traumatic and re-traumatising: it is not then that caused the hurt; it is now that is processing the hurt and enabling the hurt to be let go. (This is why we practice step two for as long as it takes to develop trust for self-rescue and don’t dive straight into healing).

If you are working on healing yourself, journaling is a super-simple practice that I recommend to my clients that you can do for yourself.

In the One of many world you might have heard of Morning Pages; this comes from Julia Cameron’s seminal work, ‘The Artist’s Way’, and is a way of connecting with the unconscious to re-engage the creative spirit.

Journaling, or writing down your thoughts and feelings about the things that are hurting you, bothering you, or causing triggers for you, has been proven to help heal.

Dr James Pennebaker at the University of Texas demonstrated that just writing for thirty minutes about something that was causing shame could have positive health benefits even six months later.

‘Opening Up by Writing it Down’, written by Dr Pennebaker with Dr Joshua Smyth has many exercises and examples to help guide you through this process.

You’ll find that regularly accessing your Mother PowerType to soothe your inner hurt part will also be of great value to you in your healing journey (whisper it, your healing has already started).

Step Four: Grieve For The Lost You

Oftentimes I observe that people are still holding onto the hurt of having lost the person they were before: the refrain of never being the same again is one I hear a lot. Yet, to enable us to love ourselves, as we are now, we have to let go of the person who we were.

We can honour that version of us who was hurt, acknowledge we loved them, and grieve for them. It is when we have grieved, that we are able to move on with our lives, loving ourselves fully.

When you have grieved the version of you that was hurt, and grieved the things you missed out on because of the hurt, grieved the different version of you that was lost, and the loss of all the versions of you that you might never now be, then you are really honouring all of who you are (whisper it, you are loving you).

Step Five: Love

Once you have moved through the grieving process, you’ll find that you are naturally embracing the whole you, the you that you love and accept, unconditionally. You have found self-love, and now you can Be Love.

PS. The myth that you can’t be loved until you love yourself is entirely false. Loving oneself feels out of reach to so many people; and yet, many, many people who don’t love themselves entirely do find love, and are very happily partnered. Don’t buy into the myths that exist to make us feel less than.

About Emily Jacob

Emily JacobsThe survivor coach, living her ReConnected Life.

Emily Jacob is a coach certified by the ICF, and a Master NLP Practitioner. She is an author, speaker, and founder of ReConnected Life, helping women to go from living a half-life, one day at a time, and living their full, whole lives again.

After overcoming PTSD, she still did not feel ‘whole’ and could not trust that she would not fall into the abyss again. Whilst learning the tools and techniques involved in neuro-linguistic programming she started to understand how to rebuild herself; and through her lightbulb moment of the critical importance of the mind-body connection, Emily knew she had found her formula for living whole after rape.

Through ReConnected Life Emily helps women all over the world in her supportive community, and through her online programmes and individual coaching. Her Taste of Recovery programme has been licenced by RSVP, and is helping to support survivors whilst they wait for counselling resource.

Emily is a graduate of Lead the Change, and a One of many certified coach. To find out more about the work Emily does, visit her site ReConnected Life, or book a no-obligation discovery call by clicking here.

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How to handle difficult family members

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Every family is different, and when it comes to the person who we find most challenging all of us are unique. Perhaps it’s a parent who can’t help themselves from handing out the unwanted advice at every opportunity; the little brother whose judgments you could do without; or the uncle whose attitude of “someone else will take care of me” feels like the final straw. When it comes to how to handle difficult family members, there’s a simple framework that can be a real life-saver, and that’s what I’m going to to share with you today.

One of the things that makes family stuff so challenging is that we often find it really hard to extract our emotions from what’s happening.

For example, take a snide comment that feels like a pointed attack, and has you storming out of the room, seething with rage. If you were watching a movie of your interaction, it might seem pretty innocuous – your step-brother’s giving you a bit of financial advice, maybe.

What an onlooker wouldn’t see are the years or decades of history leading up to that moment. If you’ve felt belittled or patronised over a long period of time, that one comment can really seem like the final straw. And it’s that kind of build up that can leave your normally resourceful self feeling like you’re fourteen years old again.

Setting boundaries with your family can be hard

We can’t choose our families, and so one of the most effective tools we have at our disposal are boundaries. Boundaries help you set strong limits around what is and isn’t acceptable.

But they often feel complicated because we tend to lump everyone we’re related to together under one label: “family”. Your soulmate sister occupies the same mental territory as your dad, who you can’t stand to be in the same room with once he’s had that first drink. And whereas you’d feel confident letting a colleague know if they’d crossed a line, it doesn’t feel right to put the same boundary in place with your aunt. After all, she’s family, right?

Now, I want to talk a little about boundaries. Where we tend to compromise on boundaries a lot is by giving other people energy for things which are not important to us. Why? Well, lots of reasons:

  • We want their approval
  • We worry what they think about us
  • We don’t want to be rejected by them,

Or all sorts of other things you can probably think of when it comes to your family.

So what I’m going to share now is a simple way to start getting clearer about your boundaries.

It’s not complicated, but to get the hang of it you’ll probably find it easiest to grab a piece of paper and a pen. Anything will do – back of an envelope, a post-it note, whatever comes to hand.

The only 3 boundaries you need

Firstly, start by drawing 3 concentric circles – one in the middle, one round that, and another one round the edge of that. This is how you’re going to rethink your boundaries with the different people in your life.

At the center of is you. It’s that simple. The very middle is you, and that’s you and your energy.

Write “Me” in the middle of that first circle.

Around you, then, and closest to you and your energy, is the realm of the Mother. In that second circle, write “Hearth” – this is the first, and closest, circle of people in your life – whether or not you’re related to them. 

The realm of the Mother: The Hearth

The realm of the Mother is called the “Hearth”. In an old house, the hearth or fireplace would quite literally be the warm centre of the home, and this is the image I want you to start with when thinking about whose energy has an impact on your life.

The people who are at your hearth are the people who are very close to you and very special to you, and how they are really impacts how you are. What I mean by that is: if your child is upset, you’re upset. Sure, you might practice mindfulness or use other strategies so that you’re not literally unable to function when your toddler’s having a meltdown, but for the people at your hearth your connection is really strong.

Now, this is the really important part: You get to choose who’s at your hearth. It’s not dictated to by someone else.

The people at your hearth are people like your children. Your spouse would probably be at your hearth.

You might have some of your siblings at your hearth, but maybe not necessarily all of your siblings.

Your parents might be at your hearth or they might not be, right? You get to choose. You might have your mum, but not your dad, or your dad at your hearth, but not your mum.

You might have your neighbor at your hearth if you’re particularly close with them. Your best friend might be at your hearth.

It’s like an intimate group of people, and this is the distinction.

How to work out who’s at your hearth

Figuring out who is at your hearth is the area of the Mother PowerType, and here’s why: This is a group of people for whom you will sacrifice energy on a short-term basis. If your kid is unwell, you’ll get out of bed and drive them to hospital even if the most important thing for your well-being is a good night’s sleep. That’s how you decide if they’re at your hearth.

People that you would dip into and even go negative in your energetic stakes that you are happy to sacrifice for because their well-being is that important to you, so it’s the realm of the Mother PowerType.

Beyond the hearth: The realm

Beyond the hearth then is the “Realm,” and the realm is the area of the Queen PowerType. In that third circle, write realm.

Your realm are people that are not at your hearth, but you do care about them. They’re people beyond that, so siblings who are not at your hearth might be at your realm. (You might have some siblings who are not even in your realm. We’ll talk about that in a moment.)

Your realm are people like your siblings who are not at your hearth, your parents who are not at your hearth, your kids who are not at your hearth, and any of those close connections.

You might have friends who are in your realm but not necessarily at your hearth. I’ve got lots of friends like that. They’re not “drop anything” friends, but they’re great friends. They’re in my realm. Your clients would be in your realm, if you feel a connection to them.

For me, the Hunger Project and everyone that works with the Hunger Project, which is the aid organization that One of many support both with our time and with our money, are in my realm and very important in my realm. In fact, sometimes they cross into my hearth. Sometimes, they ask me to do things, and I go negative because it’s important for me.

That’s the context of realm. If you’re the Queen, these are the people who are in your nation. Not everybody is going to be in your nation. You cannot give your energy to everyone all the time. The Hunger Project is very much in my realm, but there are dozens, hundreds, thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of other amazing aid organizations doing great work, amazing not for profits doing great work who are not in my realm. I can’t have everyone in my realm. As much as sometimes you’d like to, you can’t.

What if someone’s in the wrong place?

Now, you might be looking at the diagram you’ve just jotted down and thinking that there are people in your Hearth who are draining lots of your energy – and actually, they don’t belong there. 

Sometimes, people that are currently at your hearth or in your realm shouldn’t even be in your realm. That’s when it’s time to get into your Queen PowerType and banish them from your realm – with love, but knowing you’re not going to give them any energy anymore.

If you’ve got a brother who is just a total drain, always rings you up at the most inopportune moments, never ever supports you when you need it, is angry all the time, is just abusive when he calls you up, but you’re helping him out of some feeling that you “should” because he’s family, maybe it’s time to banish him from your realm with love.

Now, that idea might feel triggering to you. Everyone’s own perspective on this is different. It’s really important that you choose according to your life values whether to give energy to that person or not. You might feel that while you’re happy to draw a line putting someone in your realm, you’re not ready to get rid of them completely – and that’s OK. But make sure you’re really making that choice from an empowered place.

If it feels hard to set a boundary

There’s a quote from Brené Brown which I love. She says

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated, and that’s why we sometimes attack who they are, which is actually far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

I see this a lot. When we find it hard to set boundaries with our spouses, with our children, with our parents, and then when those boundaries are overstepped, we feel used and mistreated. We start to get resentful, and then we start to come out with the things we really don’t want to find ourselves saying. We say “You are such a pain. You’re so needy. You’re always doing this.” Or whatever it is for you…

As soon as we start saying “always” or “never,” we start attacking. We attack rather than actually reflecting that perhaps we’re teaching them how to treat us, by not having a boundary in place.

Get the boundary in place, and then communicate that boundary. It will get respected unless they’re someone who shouldn’t be in the realm – in which case, different rules apply.

How to set boundaries

Setting boundaries is a big topic. If you could do with some help figuring out how to have those conversations, don’t fret! We’ve got you covered with our helpful practical guide: Enough is Enough: How to gracefully set unshakeable boundaries. Click here to grab your copy now.

How about you? Have you been able to navigate challenging family situations with aplomb? Or do you find it hard to remain poised and present when in the company of the people you grew up with? Share your story in the comments – we love to hear from you!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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My partner doesn’t meet my needs

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When your partner doesn’t meet your needs in a relationship, it’s tough. Even when you’re in a relationship, you can end up feeling isolated and alone. From the hug when you walk in the door to support talking through a family crisis; from sharing the financial load to really listening when you want to open up about your emotions or being willing to go to family functions by your side.

Your needs matter, and when you’re at a point where you feel like they’re being ignored, it can be crunch time.

Here are some tips for navigating the complicated scenario where your partner’s not giving you what you need.

How to know what your needs are

Now, let’s get clear on this first: before you start addressing a partner who doesn’t care about what you need,  you need to know exactly what those needs are.

There is a world of difference between what we need and what we want. If 
we don’t have what we want, it will usually be okay. If we don’t have what we
need, we won’t be okay.

Needs are things which you would rather be single than be without.

So, the way to establish what your needs are is to start by writing down a big list of everything you want from a relationship. In an ideal world, what is it you’d get from your partner?

Next, you’re going to review each want and then you’re going to drop below it to what it is that you actually need.

Here are a few questions to help you through from a want to a need.

  • Why do I want 
that?
  • What does that provide for me?
  • 
What is the need that this quality fulfills?

Be careful not to over complicate. Just drop through really quickly. Try and trust that your unconscious knows what the underlying need is.

For instance, back when I made a list like this when I was single, one of my wants was that “he’s tall”.

When I did this exercise, I asked myself “Would I rather be single than being with a short man?”

No. So, it’s not a need.

What is it about him being tall that is important to me?

That he’s strong… that I feel small compared to him… – was what came to mind.

Is it really about feeling small compared to him? No, it’s not about that.

What is it? I realized that what I really need is to feel feminine.

One of the ways that might get expressed is through him being tall, but if he’s short and I feel feminine we’re okay.

Does that make sense? I dropped down through to what it was that I actually needed.

If I was in a relationship where there wasn’t room for me to feel feminine, I’d rather be single than being in that relationship. That was the need.

Many of those wants that you have on your list are going to end up being expressions of the same need, and you’ll probably find you get down to about five to eight core needs.

What to do when you know what your needs are

Once you’re clear on your needs, they become a really powerful tool.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner’s providing them, brilliant. Acknowledge them and celebrate that!

If you’re in a relationship and they’re not providing one of those needs, tell them why it is a need for you and they can choose to provide it or not.

You might find having done this process that the original need you were frustrated about not being met has shifted. Now, you know that you’re more in need of physical affection than a hug when you walk in the door. Let that be the start of the conversation with your partner.

If you’re not in a relationship, it’s a brilliant conversation to be having if you’re considering it being a long-term relationship. This is what I need. What do you need?

If they can’t provide what you need

There may be a situation where you recognize that someone can’t provide what you need on the list. You might be in a long-term relationship with someone and feel like you’re looking down the barrel of a gun.

“Holy crap, I know there’s something on this list that they actually can’t provide.”

What then? Allow me to introduce you to the paradox of needs.

The paradox of needs

The paradox of needs is this: You actually don’t need anything from anyone else.


Everything that’s on your list, you could actually provide for yourself. Think about that for a minute.

You don’t need anything from yourself even.

Actually, you don’t need anything at all.

There are things which sustain our body and keep us alive. But the thing about relationship needs is, you actually don’t need the other to provide any of that for you. You can have it all even without them.

But when you choose to be in relationship with somebody, then you can choose to have it as one of your frameworks: “Here’s what would really enhance my life. I would rather be single than not enjoy these things together.”

Can you see how that offers a much more empowering framework? If something happens to your partner and they can no longer provide one of those needs, or they’re not willing to change to meet that need, you could choose to end the relationship.  You could choose to go and get that need met somewhere else. You can still choose to be love and keep loving.

Needs are a framework

Needs are a great framework for relationship. But even if you look at them and think, “I’m not getting them met right now!” that doesn’t mean you absolutely have to end the relationship. It means have 
a conversation.

Recognize with your partner that you need it and have conversations about whether they can provide it or not and is it possible for you to get it from somewhere else? If it is, are you still happy to stay in the 
relationship? Can you work on that together?

Now we’re getting into conscious creation of relationship. The kind ofrelationships that our spirits want to be enjoying on the planet. And that’s one of the most interesting conversations of all.

How about you?

Have you had an experience of your needs not being met in relationship? How did you navigate it? I’d love to know your story – share it in the comments below. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: “I’ve lost connection with my partner”

By

Wendy Harrington

Wendy is passionate about peace and harmony. Her near death experience opened her life up to increased love and happiness (after a battle with herself). She is the author of 2 books, mother of 3 daughters and wife of the love of her life.

She’s also one of the One of many team.

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

I feel very blessed to have married the same man twice. At the time we got divorced it certainly didn’t feel like a blessing…more like a disaster. But 8 years apart taught me some incredible things which I want to share with you today, because that elusive thing we thrive on called connection can be tricky to navigate in an intimate relationship.

Just what do we mean by connection?

You know it when you feel it. It’s the spark, that invisible multi-faceted thing that you can’t quite put your finger on that bonds two people together.

Connection happens on all levels…mental, physical, emotional and spiritual.

When we feel it it’s wonderful but when it sometimes disappears, which while very common, can be incredibly challenging.

Going back to the start

It might seem a long time ago if things aren’t how you’ like them to be right now.

But I think we can all learn some important lessons from the budding of intimacy.

In that initial blossoming it seems effortless.

Our attention is fully on the other person, we want to spend lots of time with them and we want to know everything about them. It’s all new and intriguing. If you “click” and that invisible thing we call chemistry is there, it becomes a delicious time of falling in love.

At this time we have our rose coloured spectacles on. We forgive things easily, and we overlook little annoyances because we are always looking for the best. Focusing on what we love instead of what we don’t love.

Have you ever experienced at the decline of a relationship that the things that you loved at the beginning can becomes the very things that you hate? That’s kind of odd really, if you think about it. The behaviour is the same. So what’s changed?

Think about what’s different

In my story what changed was our life circumstances. Life can be challenging enough but sometimes it throws you a huge curveball. Our bubble burst when, 8 weeks before our baby was due, we found ourselves in the intensive care unit with me fighting for my life.

Our baby was born 8 weeks premature by emergency caesarean section and in the days following I contracted necrotising fasciitis, more commonly known as the flesh eating bug.

To cut a long story short I made it. But it was far from an easy ride. I lost my womb and ovaries along with two thirds of the flesh on my torso. I also contracted septicaemia which damaged my feet.

I spent three months in hospital bed bound and underwent numerous surgical procedures to rebuild my body. I also had a near death experience (NDE) where I literally saw the light! But that’s another story.

My whole world had been turned upside down. Mentally, emotionally and physically I was struggling to deal with a severely disfigured body and what that meant for me as a woman. Spiritually I had just had a big wakeup call that challenged my world view.

A BIG mistake we made as a couple was we didn’t talk. This thing seemed way too big and painful to speak about. And so we hid from it and therefore hid from each other.

So #1 learning – Always talk

Let’s face it, life is full of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. I know my example is big here but you also constantly face the challenges of life. And it is all too easy for the demands of life to get in the way, be that work, children, family, hobbies, friends…all of us have limited time and the choice to make of where we spend it.

No matter how painful it seems, honesty and conversation are true blessings. And sometimes you may need to get some support from someone who can help you talk to each other.

Which brings me to learning #2 – Make time for each other

It is one of the most crucial things to do. And again one of the easiest things to let slide. Especially if you have a young family. Everyone else’s needs can seem more important but they are not.

It is super important to put you and your partner high up on your priorities and plan special time together.

Learning #3 – Focus on what IS working instead of what ISN’T

It’s very common and very easy when things are not right in our intimate relationship to focus on what’s wrong and try to fix it. I know I obsessed about it because it was so important to me and I desperately missed that wonderful sense of connection.

After we had separated I met this amazing man. He was in his late 80’s and had studied psychology his whole life. He told me how he would lie in bed at night and silently speak to his wife. He shared with me how what you focus on grows and pointed out that if you focus on what’s wrong in your relationship you will get more of that.

The truth of this hit me like a ton of bricks. I had fought so hard to correct what was wrong in our relationship. I’d pushed, I’d pointed out it was broken and we needed to fix it.

What I didn’t do was focus on what was right with it.

It made me realise that in trying to ‘fix’ it and desperately seeking that connection all I had done was unwittingly pushed it further away.

What was missing was learning #4 – Appreciation

Develop a practice (daily is good) where you regularly think about what’s good about your relationship and your partner. What is it that you appreciate him/her for?

Spend 5-10 minutes thinking about it. This can be things inside and outside of your relationship. What are they good at? What do they do well? What makes you smile about them?

Connection is an inside job, it’s a feeling. Focusing on what you appreciate about someone else starts to create a warm feeling inside. It also naturally spills out of you towards them. When someone else is genuinely appreciating you it feels really good to be on the receiving end of that.

Appreciation is so powerful in any relationship. With my husband I see him energetically grow as I appreciate him, it goes both ways, and feels so good. Look for things to be thankful and grateful for rather than focusing on the things which are missing. Remember what you focus on grows.

And finally for today learning #5 – What state are you in?

When it comes to the Women’s PowerTypes – the 5 powerful models of women’s leadership that make up your unique PowerTypes Profile – they can be immensely helpful in your intimate relationship.

The Lover is definitely your chief ally on so many levels. Firstly you need to be filled up. I see so many women running on empty and then wondering why their intimate relationship is lacking. I say this with zero judgement because that was me too! I was always so busy doing everything and putting myself last. This meant I was running on empty and had nothing to give.

It is still me occasionally but the difference is now I see it and immediately switch to Lover PowerType.

Let’s face it…Superwoman and intimacy are not a good match!

Enhancing your Lover energy helps you fill yourself up. Then as the over-flowing cup you become highly attractive to your mate. When your needs are met you have extra to share. This is a highly magnetic quality and so important for us to embrace.

I see this so clearly with my husband. Having married the same man twice makes it all the more clear. I appreciate him every day – and interestingly, I watch him wanting to do more and more for me.

I hope my lessons help you to rediscover the connection in your relationship if it’s gone into hiding. It’s most likely still there just buried underneath life.

How about you? Please share in the comments anything you have found helpful to re-connect with your partner.

If you’d like to read my full story of near death, recovery and navigating being more loving (I messed it right up at first) you can read all about it in my book “From Vegas to the Pearly Gates: A gritty, true-life account of love at its best and absolute worst.”

 

About Wendy Harrington

Writer, Wife, Mother

Wendy is passionate about peace and harmony. Her near death experience opened her life up to increased love and happiness (after a battle with herself). She is the author of 2 books, mother of 3 daughters and wife of the love of her life.

She’s also one of the One of many team.

Connect with Wendy on YouTube or Facebook to discover tips for greater peace and harmony in your life and mind.

You’ll find a reading from the book sharing when she saw her body for the first time after the illness, and her sharing the bliss of her near-death experience.

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Want to find a new relationship dynamic? Read this

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Most of us have at least one relationship in our lives we’d like to change in some way. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about, maybe even deeply love, the other person. But when interactions start to feel like a pattern you’re stuck in, it can be incredibly restrictive. If you want to find a new relationship dynamic but aren’t sure where to start, here’s an approach you can try. 

When roles become restricting

Let’s start by looking at the kinds of situations when you can find yourself getting “stuck” in a certain dynamic.

For example, you might find that you’re constantly the one who’s mothering your group of girlfriends. Sure, you’re happy to be the designated driver once in a while. But lately it seems like you’re forever organizing things, booking cabs, holding coats and keeping an eye on anyone who’s had one too many after-work drinks.

Isn’t it time you were able to let your hair down for once?

For Madeleine, a self-employed writer, it was her relationship with her partner that felt like it needed a shakeup. Since becoming parents, it was starting to feel as though their life had become an endless to-and-fro of childcare, admin, and work.

“We’ve been together for more than a decade and have always had a lot of fun. Suddenly, our interactions felt like they’d become so functional: who’s looking after the toddler, what errands need doing, did you remember to call so-and-so… and yet when we tried to make changes, I found myself becoming defensive – and we’d find ourselves back in the same place.”

For you, it might be a totally different relationship where the dynamic needs to shift: Your boss, your colleagues, even your kids.

What relationship can you think of where you’re treading the same old path, no matter what you try?

Want to change a relationship dynamic? Try this

If you’ve noticed a sense of frustration creeping into one of your relationships, it might be time to try a different tactic when it comes to shifting things up.

Often, we can find ourselves focusing on what we wish the other person would change. If only your friends weren’t so selfish, or your boss so demanding, you’d be golden, right?

Or we focus on what’s not working in our interactions with the other person. And end up talking ourselves round in circles as we dissect our frustrations, and feel as though we’re getting nowhere.

But in any relationship, there are always two people involved – and one of them is you. That’s who you have the greatest power to change. And making that change doesn’t actually need to involve the other person at all.

The great news is, when you begin to think about shifting the way you’re behaving, it takes the pressure off trying to make the other person change who they are. (Which, let’s face it, can be an uphill battle).

Does this mean you have to stop being you?

In a word, no. It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about being a different version of yourself, so that you can start making a stand for a healthier way of interacting. And when you start to behave differently, those around you inevitably respond in a different way.

Perhaps the ever-accommodating big sister starts to say “no” once in a while – your sibling will have to figure out an alternative.

Or the workaholic supermum decides she isn’t going to pile on the pressure by taking responsibility for her team’s results and the school bake sale. Someone you might never have thought of might decide to step into your usual place.

Learning to step into a different version of yourself – to create boundaries, change expectations and start standing up for how you want to be treated – is a life-changing skill.

If you know you could do with being a bit firmer when it comes to setting expectations and drawing boundaries, check out Enough is Enough: our free guide to gracefully setting unshakeable boundaries. Click here to download your free copy.

Using the PowerTypes to find a new relationship dynamic

If you’re not quite sure what dynamic’s playing out with that one difficult person, the Women’s PowerTypes™ are a fast way to get a handle on the different “roles” you’re playing in your life.

Warrioress, Sorceress, Queen, Lover and Mother. None of us are simply one PowerType – we’re all a blend of all 5. You’re at your most powerful when you can navigate smoothly between them all, effortlessly calling on the one that’s most appropriate for any given moment.

Often, when we feel stuck in a relationship dynamic, it’s because we’re using one PowerType more than the others. Rather than having access to all your different “selves”, you’re locked in one way of behaving.

Madeleine knew that, since becoming a mother, her Mother PowerType had really come to the fore. When it came to her romantic relationship, she knew Lover would be important to nurture, but there was a surprising PowerType that she discovered was equally vital.

“Warrioress was one of the lowest scores on my PowerTypes profile. She’s all about playful, youthful energy – and I realized that I’d really been missing that in my relationship too. We’d always loved going dancing, so reconnecting to music I love to move to, and channelling some of the playful energy I’m enjoying with my son into my relationship with my husband, really turned things around.”

Change the part you’re playing, and the script will shift

If you want to find a new relationship dynamic, start by thinking about the role you might be playing, and what might feel like a more fulfilling alternative.

Making small commitments to bring out a different side to you – listening to a particular track, moving in a different way physically – might have a bigger effect than you think.

Have you found yourself stuck in a relationship rut? What helped you to change the dynamic? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to support a friend with burnout

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Research from Montreal University earlier this year revealed once more something most of us are anecdotally aware of: women are far more likely to suffer from work-related burnout than men. Even if burnout hasn’t affected you directly, you’re almost certain to come across a woman experiencing it at some point: whether it’s your sister, your cousin, your old school friend or that colleague who never stopped working (until she had to).

So when it strikes, how can we make a difference to the amazing women around us who find themselves at the point of burnout? Are there things we can say or do to help support each other and avoid getting to it in the first place?

It’s worth noting that if someone you know is having more serious challenges, or isn’t being supported in any other way, it’s important for them to receive appropriate help. That might mean talking to their GP, accessing Occupational Health support via work, or contacting a professional who’s equipped to give them the support they need.

But outside of that, woman to woman, there’s an awful lot you can do to make a real difference to someone who’s struggling. Here are 5 places to start:

  1. Listen

I mean, really listen. Not while you’re scrolling through Facebook; not while you’re ‘just finishing this one email’. Turn off your devices, go somewhere quiet if you can (or use headphones if you’re on your mobile!) and give your friend the space to talk about what’s going on. In our Women’s coach training, we call this “devoted listening” – and it’s such a powerful thing to do.

For lots of us, resisting the urge to dive in with suggestions can be challenging. When we’re used to solving problems, from sales strategy to screaming toddlers, we can find ourselves locked in “solution” mode.

But feeling heard and acknowledged is a really important part of fostering true relationship, and in allowing each other to connect to our own wisdom.

So make some time to listen, and allow your friend to share exactly what’s happening for them, without interruptions.

2. Practice observation

When you’re talking to someone who’s going through burnout, it’s really important to give them space to talk. What can also be helpful is to get curious – put yourself in “observer” mode. Your aim isn’t to interrogate or criticise them, but you can gently reflect back what you’re noticing or hearing.

For example, you might notice that as they talk they’re repeatedly referring to times when they dropped everything to deal with someone else’s emergency.

Lovingly pointing that out, without emotion or judgment – “It sounds as though you’re often having to chair the team meeting at the last minute when Fred can’t make it” rather than “God, Fred’s always letting you down isn’t he?” – can be a really respectful way to help them connect to their own guidance.

The other important thing to bear in mind is our tendency to want to help others, which can often come in the form of “rescuing” them from a situation by taking it on ourselves.

Needless to say, adopting their stress as your own won’t help either of you. Powerful listening and gentle reflection of what’s happening is the most compassionate way to get truly present to what’s happening, without disempowering or patronising.

3. Signpost where you can

As your friend talks, it may become clear that there’s somewhere they could access more help from.

Maybe they’re finding it hard to stand up for themselves and set boundaries; they could really do with someone to delegate household chores to, or they’re in need of an amazing PA to share some of the business load with them.

When you’re in the thick of things, just looking for a solution can feel like a mountain to climb. With their permission, ask if there’s anything you can do to help them find the support they need.

Be specific – “Would you like me to find the phone number of a local cleaner who could pop in for an hour a week?”, for example, or “Shall I ask my amazing accountant to email you about setting up a meeting?”

Your aim isn’t to add more things to your friend’s to-do list – and if what she needs is time to rest and do nothing, it’s really important to respect that. But if you can help her connect to the support that could really make a difference, you might find that’s the greatest gift you can give.

4. Come back to Love

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are our guides to stepping into our uniquely female leadership – and Mother is the PowerType that’s most compassionate and caring when it comes to the people in our lives.

Healthy Mother energy is able to hold unconditional love for those close to us (without depleting herself or moving into self-sacrifice.)

That means letting your friend know you’re there for her, you value her, and you love her just as she is – no matter how she’s feeling, or what she thinks she’s failed at.

It’s also important to remember to take time to replenish yourself. If you’re taking care of someone in your life, it can be emotionally exhausting, so make sure you give yourself space to fill up and restore your energy.

It will enable you to be the best support possible for them as they move out of burnout and back to healing.

5. Help them stop it happening again

Many women in our community describe burnout as a wake up call – and a catalyst for them to make changes in their life to stop it happening again.

When the time is right, helping your friend to explore the lessons a challenging experience has brought them, and reassuring them that they’re not alone in having gone through it, can be a really kind thing to do.

Whether it’s shifting careers, balancing responsibilities or restoring healthier boundaries, knowing we’re supported by others has a huge impact on our recovery, resilience and ability to thrive after a setback like burnout.

Are you a natural helper?

If you’re a born supporter who loves helping women get their mojo back after a challenge, or be kind to themselves during times of stress or burnout, have you ever considered becoming a coach?

Coaches help women with all kinds of challenges – overwhelm and burnout are just one of them – and training to provide this kind of support can lead to an incredibly rewarding career if you enjoy interacting with and empowering other women.

You can find out more about our Coaching Certification program by watching our free online training, The Secret To Coaching Women – click here to book your spot.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When boundaries don’t work

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Boundaries are one of our most essential tools when it comes to staying sane and managing our multiple responsibilities. Whether it’s clarity around work responsibilities, structure around your time or knowing just what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to communication, forget diamonds – boundaries are your very best friend. So when boundaries don’t work, things can really get challenging.

Today I want to share a quick guide to handling boundaries when people in your life ignore them, clash with them or don’t seem to understand them. But first, let’s get clear.

What are boundaries?

I think Brené Brown has the simplest definition I’ve seen:

“Boundaries are simply: what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

It’s a great way to look at boundaries. They’re your way of defining what you need to be at your best. 

You can create boundaries around all sorts of things – your needs, your time, your relationships. But what happens when someone crosses them, or you need to change them?

When boundaries don’t work

There are a few different reasons why boundaries might not work. Sometimes we’re all too aware of the problem; other times, we’re called to pay closer attention to subtle signs. Do any of these feel relevant to you, right now?

When people ignore a boundary

Sometimes it’s really obvious that a boundary just isn’t being respected.

You’ve made it clear that you need to know when your friend’s going to pop round, and yet she keeps rocking up unexpectedly.

You’ve made the boundary clear, and the other person isn’t honouring that. Time for an important conversation – below, I’ll give you a process for exactly how to do it.

When you need to make a new boundary

This one can be a lot more subtle to spot. How do you know when a new boundary is needed?

One of the big giveaways that it’s time to take a closer look at the boundaries in your life is anger.

Perhaps a colleague keeps handing over tasks that you really don’t enjoy doing, or your partner’s expecting you to pick up the slack when they get lost in a new project.

If you’re finding yourself losing your temper, or noticing feelings of resentment or frustration bubbling up, it’s probably time to look at your boundaries again.

When your boundary clashes with someone else’s

One of the trickiest situations we have to deal with is one where our boundaries clash with someone else’s. So you come across a colleague who’s been working on their assertiveness, but it seems as though you’re expected to deal with the fallout of the tasks they’ll no longer tolerate.

Or maybe your Mum has a strict boundary around Christmas being just for family. Your friend’s going through a really rough patch, and you know you don’t want her to spend the day alone.

Could be your boss, your kids, or your parents – realizing that your boundary contradicts or infringes on theirs is always complicated.

So how do we deal with situations when our boundaries just don’t seem to work?

Is it selfish to have boundaries?

Now, for a lot of us – especially when we’re fairly new to setting boundaries – it can be tempting to wonder if the energy it takes to maintain them really worth it.

It could be a big one: You’ve told your partner that you can’t be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much they’re not in control any more.

Or something minor, but still important: You can’t drop everything, yet again, because your sister’s too disorganised to finish work on time.

From awkward conversations to tough decisions like leaving a job or relationship, upholding a boundary can feel like more trouble than it’s worth. After all, you’re a nice person – you hate letting people down – and the last thing you want to do is introduce conflict.

Are boundaries selfish?

Let’s return to Brené Brown, whose groundbreaking work on vulnerability has changed the way many of us relate to boundaries. She says

“One of the most shocking findings of my work was the idea that the most compassionate people I have interviewed over the last 13 years were also the absolutely most boundaried…

What I think that [a lot of us] do is that we don’t set boundaries.

We let people do things that are not okay or get away with behaviours that are not okay and then we are just resentful and hateful.

Me? I’d rather be loving and generous and very straightforward with what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

So, far from being selfish, setting clear boundaries is an act of great compassion. It means the people in our lives know where they stand. And it allows us to cultivate healthy, balanced relationships rather than simmering with suppressed rage at what we’re having to put up with.

And if it feels hard, remind yourself of this: you only need 10 seconds of courage to set the principles that will save you huge amounts of resentment, conflict and energy in the long term. I’ve learned it’s far better to cope with that little bit of awkwardness than the huge heap of resentment that builds up when you agree to things you don’t want to do.

Big decisions around boundaries can be hard. But the truth is, you only have one life. Is it worth spending it locked in a job, relationship or situation that’s causing you huge stress and resentment, simply to make things easier for the other person?

How to handle a boundary that’s not working

Here’s a 3 step process you can use when a boundary isn’t working.

But first, something really important to note: Don’t wait to be at a time when your boundaries are being crossed to have this conversation.

Instead, give some thought to what’s going on. What’s the boundary you want to create, re-instate, or uphold? Find a time to talk about this outside of the situation.

So if your team member’s perpetually late, don’t wait til they’re sidling guiltily into their seat (and you’re boiling with rage). Choose a time when you can be proactive about the situation before it flares up.

1. Acknowledge the past

If this boundary is one that you’ve let slide before – or perhaps not even been aware of – it’s really important to make it clear that this is changing.

So, start by acknowledging how things have been.

“I know I’ve been working later than I’m supposed to these past few months”

Or

“In the past I’ve stepped in to do the school pickup when you’re running late”

Stay factual, rather than using emotive language. This conversation is one that requires you to be in a calm, clear place, and you want the other person to feel receptive and ready to listen – not to be instantly on the defensive.

2. Set your boundary

This is your chance to get really clear – remembering that defining this is ultimately the most compassionate thing you can do.

Most importantly?

Don’t fall into justifying, explaining or rationalizing your decision.

This isn’t a debate or a discussion – it’s you simply stating what’s true for you.

“I’m not going to be able to do that any more.”

“I’m no longer willing to take that responsibility”

3. Collaborate together

If you’re finding your boundary clashes with someone else’s – and that person is someone who’s important to you – then this will be a vital part of finding your new way forward.

How can you find a way that meets the other person’s needs and still respects your boundary?

What do you both need to be in place to feel good about the situation?

This is why it’s so important that this conversation takes place when you’re not feeling triggered or fired up. When you’re calm and collected, you’ll be in a much more resourceful place when it comes to finding a solution that works for everyone.

Are boundaries a challenge?

If boundaries are something you find tricky to navigate, take a look at our free guide, when we explore this and other boundary conversations and principles in a lot more depth.

It’s called Enough is Enough: How to Gracefully Set Unshakeable Boundaries… and it does what it says on the tin!

Click here to download your copy.

How about you?

Are you the Queen of unshakeable boundaries? Have you got a particularly sticky boundaries conundrum going on right now, that you’d love to get someone else’s take on? Share in the comments below – someone else might have just the words of wisdom you need.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

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Are relationships about compromise?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Are relationships about compromise? In 2011, Madonna was quoted as saying:

“The older I get, the more I understand about the nature of relationships and how to have a successful one. The more I realize that it has to do with compromise and sacrifice and that’s just the way it goes. And unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life, you have to realize that.”

Put like that, it sounds pretty black and white, doesn’t it? And yet, you probably know other people who are equally adamant that the right relationships are ones where you don’t have to sacrifice any part of yourself, or compromise who you are. So what’s the answer?

Here’s a quick guide to getting clear on when it’s a good idea to compromise.

What are you compromising on?

First things first, it’s important to get clear on your values when it comes to relationships. Values are the things which matter most to us – they’re our fundamental motivations in life. To explore your relationship values, start by asking yourself the following questions:

  • What’s most important to you?
  • What won’t you tolerate?
  • What motivates you?

When you have a list, try grouping similar values together so you can come up with a list of around 5 that feel most important to you.

Knowing your values is a really helpful sign post when it comes to considering a compromise. (If trust is on that list, for example, you’re unlikely to want to compromise when it comes to a partner who isn’t honest with you.)

But it’s not the only thing to bear in mind. Some things aren’t values, but are vital to you being able to live your life. These are your needs, and they’re the second aspect to consider when a compromise comes up.

What are your needs?

Needs are the basic requirements for us to be able to function. Not luxuries or desires, they’re the minimum things we need in place to be ourselves. Maybe you need 8 hours’ sleep at night, time to walk in nature, or plenty of water. In relationship, you might need to have a certain amount of physical contact, or time to be alone.

That’s not to say that you’ll never compromise on your needs. If your adventure-loving partner wants to get up at dawn to go on the holiday of their dreams, you might agree to compromise as a one-off.

But if your friend won’t stand for anything other than a night of cocktails, when you know your body needs to steer clear of alcohol, it could be time to decide you’re not going to compromise.

When you know your values and needs, you can set clear boundaries

Your boundaries are the agreements you make with yourself and others about what you will and won’t tolerate. You can have boundaries with others, for example about how your kids behave or when you’re available for work requests from your boss. And you can also have boundaries with yourself, for example about what you will or won’t tolerate.

At our BeLove retreat, we create a relationship manifesto. This isn’t just for intimate relationship, but for how you’re going to behave in all relationships. If you have a partner, this can be an incredibly helpful thing to share, so you know the common agreements you want to put in place.

Perhaps you commit to discussing disagreements over a cup of tea, instead of having a screaming match in the car on the way to your mum’s. Knowing that in advance can help you figure out compromises before tensions rise and things get heated.

So when could you think about compromising?

Outside of your values, boundaries and needs there are many cases when compromising your personal preference is something you’re happy to do. For example, you might decide to compromise when it comes to expressing appreciation for people you’re in relationship with.

The Five Love Languages are a system of distinguishing the ways we express and receive love. They are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch

Maybe you’re a hugger – you love physical touch and it’s the way you’d naturally show your partner you love them. But what your Dad would most appreciate is having your help with things he’s trying to do – he’s all about the quality time.

Or you really want to show your colleague how much you appreciate them. You’ve noticed how words of praise really light them up, and so you take the time to compose a thoughtful email detailing exactly the impact they’re having on you.

We’re all different, and the Love languages are a great example of how we can compromise in a way that feels good, because it allows us to deepen our connection with others.

The same thing goes for many other areas of compromise. Often, it’s those differences from other people that attract us to be in relationship with them in the first place.

So whether it’s expressing love, choosing what to have for dinner, or where to live, there are all kinds of opportunities for compromise. What’s key is understanding the motivation behind your decision, from an understanding of where your own boundaries lie.

What’s at the root of the compromise?

Perhaps the most important thing to consider when it comes to compromise is what the motivation is behind it. If you’re compromising in an effort to please the other person, or make them like you, it might be that the root cause is a fear of not being good enough. Eventually, that kind of pattern can lead to you feeling resentful, put-upon or drained.

On the other hand, compromise can come from a place of wanting to make the other person feel good, and brighten their day. Maybe you don’t love that one band your partner’s been obsessed with since university – but you’ll book them tickets and go along to the concert because you know what deep joy it will bring to their lives.

When you know your needs and your boundaries, and you’re clear on your values, you know you’re staying true to the things which matter most to you. Compromise can be a place you choose to visit to express love to those around you, without feeling like you’re betraying yourself.

How about you?

What’s your experience of compromise? Do you make conscious decisions to compromise for your partner – and do they make compromises for you? Share your experiences, positive or negative, in the comments.

If you’re ready to transform your personal relationships, and discover profound self-love, our BeLove retreat could be just for you. For a no obligation consultation with one of our team members to find out if this is the right step for you, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.