One of Many

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How to handle difficult family members

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Every family is different, and when it comes to the person who we find most challenging all of us are unique. Perhaps it’s a parent who can’t help themselves from handing out the unwanted advice at every opportunity; the little brother whose judgments you could do without; or the uncle whose attitude of “someone else will take care of me” feels like the final straw. When it comes to how to handle difficult family members, there’s a simple framework that can be a real life-saver, and that’s what I’m going to to share with you today.

One of the things that makes family stuff so challenging is that we often find it really hard to extract our emotions from what’s happening.

For example, take a snide comment that feels like a pointed attack, and has you storming out of the room, seething with rage. If you were watching a movie of your interaction, it might seem pretty innocuous – your step-brother’s giving you a bit of financial advice, maybe.

What an onlooker wouldn’t see are the years or decades of history leading up to that moment. If you’ve felt belittled or patronised over a long period of time, that one comment can really seem like the final straw. And it’s that kind of build up that can leave your normally resourceful self feeling like you’re fourteen years old again.

Setting boundaries with your family can be hard

We can’t choose our families, and so one of the most effective tools we have at our disposal are boundaries. Boundaries help you set strong limits around what is and isn’t acceptable.

But they often feel complicated because we tend to lump everyone we’re related to together under one label: “family”. Your soulmate sister occupies the same mental territory as your dad, who you can’t stand to be in the same room with once he’s had that first drink. And whereas you’d feel confident letting a colleague know if they’d crossed a line, it doesn’t feel right to put the same boundary in place with your aunt. After all, she’s family, right?

Now, I want to talk a little about boundaries because boundaries. Where we tend to compromise on boundaries a lot is by giving other people energy for things which are not important to us. Why? Well, lots of reasons:

  • We want their approval
  • We worry what they think about us
  • We don’t want to be rejected by them,

Or all sorts of other things you can probably think of when it comes to your family.

So what I’m going to share now is a simple way to start getting clearer about your boundaries.

It’s not complicated, but to get the hang of it you’ll probably find it easiest to grab a piece of paper and a pen. Anything will do – back of an envelope, a post-it note, whatever comes to hand.

The only 3 boundaries you need

Firstly, start by drawing 3 concentric circles – one in the middle, one round that, and another one round the edge of that. This is how you’re going to rethink your boundaries with the different people in your life.

At the center of is you. It’s that simple. The very middle is you, and that’s you and your energy.

Write “Me” in the middle of that first circle.

Around you, then, and closest to you and your energy, is the realm of the Mother. In that second circle, write “Hearth” – this is the first, and closest, circle of people in your life – whether or not you’re related to them. 

The realm of the Mother: The Hearth

The realm of the Mother is called the “Hearth”. In an old house, the hearth or fireplace would quite literally be the warm centre of the home, and this is the image I want you to start with when thinking about whose energy has an impact on your life.

The people who are at your hearth are the people who are very close to you and very special to you, and how they are really impacts how you are. What I mean by that is: if your child is upset, you’re upset. Sure, you might practice mindfulness or use other strategies so that you’re not literally unable to function when your toddler’s having a meltdown, but for the people at your hearth your connection is really strong.

Now, this is the really important part: You get to choose who’s at your hearth. It’s not dictated to by someone else.

The people at your hearth are people like your children. Your spouse would probably be at your hearth.

You might have some of your siblings at your hearth, but maybe not necessarily all of your siblings.

Your parents might be at your hearth or they might not be, right? You get to choose. You might have your mum at your hearth, but not your dad at your hearth, or your dad at your hearth, but not your mum at your hearth.

You might have your neighbor at your hearth if you’re particularly close with them. Your best friend might be at your hearth.

It’s like an intimate group of people, and this is the distinction.

How to work out who’s at your hearth

Figuring out who is at your hearth is the area of the Mother archetype, and here’s why: This is a group of people for whom you will sacrifice energy on a short-term basis. If your kid is unwell, you’ll get out of bed and drive them to hospital even if the most important thing for your well-being is a good night’s sleep. That’s how you decide if they’re at your hearth.

They’re the kind of people that you would dip into and even go negative in your energetic stakes that you are happy to sacrifice for because their well-being is that important to you, so it’s the realm of the Mother archetype.

Beyond the hearth: The realm

Beyond the hearth then is the “Realm,” and the realm is the area of the Queen PowerType. In that third circle, write realm.

Your realm are people that are not at your hearth, but you do care about them. They’re people beyond that, so siblings who are not at your hearth might be at your realm. (You might have some siblings who are not even in your realm. We’ll talk about that in a moment.)

Your realm are people like your siblings who are not at your hearth, your parents who are not at your hearth, your kids who are not at your hearth, and any of those close connections.

You might have friends who are in your realm but not necessarily at your hearth. I’ve got lots of friends like that. They’re not “drop anything” friends, but they’re great friends. They’re at my realm. Your clients would be in your realm, if you feel a connection to them.

For me, the Hunger Project and everyone that works with the Hunger Project, which is the aid organization that One of many support both with our time and with our money, are in my realm and very important in my realm. In fact, sometimes they cross into my hearth. Sometimes, they ask me to do things, and I go negative because it’s important for me.

That’s the context of realm. If you’re the Queen, these are the people who are in your nation. Not everybody is going to be in your nation. You cannot give your energy to everyone all the time. The Hunger Project is very much in my realm, but there are dozens, hundreds, thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of other amazing aid organizations doing great work, amazing not for profits doing great work who are not in my realm. I can’t have everyone in my realm. As much as sometimes you’d like to, you can’t.

What if someone’s in the wrong place?

Now, you might be looking at the diagram you’ve just jotted down and thinking that there are people in your Hearth who are draining lots of your energy – and actually, they don’t belong there. 

Sometimes, people that are currently at your hearth or in your realm shouldn’t even be in your realm. That’s when it’s time to get into your queen energy and banish them from your realm – with love, but knowing you’re not going to give them any energy anymore.

If you’ve got a brother who is just a total drain, always rings you up at the most inopportune moments, never ever supports you when you need it, is angry all the time, is just abusive when he calls you up, but you’re helping him out of some feeling that you “should” because he’s family, maybe it’s time to banish him from your realm with love.

Now, that idea might feel triggering to you. Everyone’s own perspective on this is different. It’s really important that you choose according to your life values whether to give energy to that person or not. You might feel that while you’re happy to draw a line putting someone in your realm, you’re not ready to get rid of them completely – and that’s OK. But make sure you’re really making that choice from an empowered place.

If it feels hard to set a boundary

There’s a quote from Brené Brown which I love. She says

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated, and that’s why we sometimes attack who they are, which is actually far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

I see this a lot. When we find it hard to set boundaries with our spouses, with our children, with our parents, and then when those boundaries are overstepped, we feel used and mistreated. We start to get resentful, and then we start to come out with the things we really don’t want to find ourselves saying. We say “You are such a pain. You’re so needy. You’re always doing this.” Or whatever it is for you…

As soon as we start saying “always” or “never,” we start attacking. We attack rather than actually reflecting that perhaps we’re teaching them how to treat us, by not having a boundary in place.

Get the boundary in place, and then communicate that boundary. It will get respected unless they’re someone who shouldn’t be in the realm – in which case, different rules apply.

How to set boundaries

Setting boundaries is a big topic. If you could do with some help figuring out how to have those conversations, don’t fret! We’ve got you covered with our helpful practical guide: Enough is Enough: How to gracefully set unshakeable boundaries. Click here to grab your copy now.

How about you? Have you been able to navigate challenging family situations with aplomb? Or do you find it hard to remain poised and present when in the company of the people you grew up with? Share your story in the comments – we love to hear from you!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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My partner doesn’t meet my needs

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When your partner doesn’t meet your needs in a relationship, it’s tough. Even when you’re in a relationship, you can end up feeling isolated and alone. From the hug when you walk in the door to support talking through a family crisis; from sharing the financial load to really listening when you want to open up about your emotions or being willing to go to family functions by your side.

Your needs matter, and when you’re at a point where you feel like they’re being ignored, it can be crunch time.

Here are some tips for navigating the complicated scenario where your partner’s not giving you what you need.

How to know what your needs are

Now, let’s get clear on this first: before you start addressing a partner who doesn’t care about what you need,  you need to know exactly what those needs are.

There is a world of difference between what we need and what we want. If 
we don’t have what we want, it will usually be okay. If we don’t have what we
need, we won’t be okay.

Needs are things which you would rather be single than be without.

So, the way to establish what your needs are is to start by writing down a big list of everything you want from a relationship. In an ideal world, what is it you’d get from your partner?

Next, you’re going to review each want and then you’re going to drop below it to what it is that you actually need.

Here are a few questions to help you through from a want to a need.

  • Why do I want 
that?
  • What does that provide for me?
  • 
What is the need that this quality fulfills?

Be careful not to over complicate. Just drop through really quickly. Try and trust that your unconscious knows what the underlying need is.

For instance, back when I made a list like this when I was single, one of my wants was that “he’s tall”.

When I did this exercise, I asked myself “Would I rather be single than being with a short man?”

No. So, it’s not a need.

What is it about him being tall that is important to me?

That he’s strong… that I feel small compared to him… – was what came to mind.

Is it really about feeling small compared to him? No, it’s not about that.

What is it? I realized that what I really need is to feel feminine.

One of the ways that might get expressed is through him being tall, but if he’s short and I feel feminine we’re okay.

Does that make sense? I dropped down through to what it was that I actually needed.

If I was in a relationship where there wasn’t room for me to feel feminine, I’d rather be single than being in that relationship. That was the need.

Many of those wants that you have on your list are going to end up being expressions of the same need, and you’ll probably find you get down to about five to eight core needs.

What to do when you know what your needs are

Once you’re clear on your needs, they become a really powerful tool.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner’s providing them, brilliant. Acknowledge them and celebrate that!

If you’re in a relationship and they’re not providing one of those needs, tell them why it is a need for you and they can choose to provide it or not.

You might find having done this process that the original need you were frustrated about not being met has shifted. Now, you know that you’re more in need of physical affection than a hug when you walk in the door. Let that be the start of the conversation with your partner.

If you’re not in a relationship, it’s a brilliant conversation to be having if you’re considering it being a long-term relationship. This is what I need. What do you need?

If they can’t provide what you need

There may be a situation where you recognize that someone can’t provide what you need on the list. You might be in a long-term relationship with someone and feel like you’re looking down the barrel of a gun.

“Holy crap, I know there’s something on this list that they actually can’t provide.”

What then? Allow me to introduce you to the paradox of needs.

The paradox of needs

The paradox of needs is this: You actually don’t need anything from anyone else.


Everything that’s on your list, you could actually provide for yourself. Think about that for a minute.

You don’t need anything from yourself even.

Actually, you don’t need anything at all.

There are things which sustain our body and keep us alive. But the thing about relationship needs is, you actually don’t need the other to provide any of that for you. You can have it all even without them.

But when you choose to be in relationship with somebody, then you can choose to have it as one of your frameworks: “Here’s what would really enhance my life. I would rather be single than not enjoy these things together.”

Can you see how that offers a much more empowering framework? If something happens to your partner and they can no longer provide one of those needs, or they’re not willing to change to meet that need, you could choose to end the relationship.  You could choose to go and get that need met somewhere else. You can still choose to be love and keep loving.

Needs are a framework

Needs are a great framework for relationship. But even if you look at them and think, “I’m not getting them met right now!” that doesn’t mean you absolutely have to end the relationship. It means have 
a conversation.

Recognize with your partner that you need it and have conversations about whether they can provide it or not and is it possible for you to get it from somewhere else? If it is, are you still happy to stay in the 
relationship? Can you work on that together?

Now we’re getting into conscious creation of relationship. The kind ofrelationships that our spirits want to be enjoying on the planet. And that’s one of the most interesting conversations of all.

How about you?

Have you had an experience of your needs not being met in relationship? How did you navigate it? I’d love to know your story – share it in the comments below. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: “I’ve lost connection with my partner”

By

Wendy Harrington

Wendy is passionate about peace and harmony. Her near death experience opened her life up to increased love and happiness (after a battle with herself). She is the author of 2 books, mother of 3 daughters and wife of the love of her life.

She’s also one of the One of many team.

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

I feel very blessed to have married the same man twice. At the time we got divorced it certainly didn’t feel like a blessing…more like a disaster. But 8 years apart taught me some incredible things which I want to share with you today, because that elusive thing we thrive on called connection can be tricky to navigate in an intimate relationship.

Just what do we mean by connection?

You know it when you feel it. It’s the spark, that invisible multi-faceted thing that you can’t quite put your finger on that bonds two people together.

Connection happens on all levels…mental, physical, emotional and spiritual.

When we feel it it’s wonderful but when it sometimes disappears, which while very common, can be incredibly challenging.

Going back to the start

It might seem a long time ago if things aren’t how you’ like them to be right now.

But I think we can all learn some important lessons from the budding of intimacy.

In that initial blossoming it seems effortless.

Our attention is fully on the other person, we want to spend lots of time with them and we want to know everything about them. It’s all new and intriguing. If you “click” and that invisible thing we call chemistry is there, it becomes a delicious time of falling in love.

At this time we have our rose coloured spectacles on. We forgive things easily, and we overlook little annoyances because we are always looking for the best. Focusing on what we love instead of what we don’t love.

Have you ever experienced at the decline of a relationship that the things that you loved at the beginning can becomes the very things that you hate? That’s kind of odd really, if you think about it. The behaviour is the same. So what’s changed?

Think about what’s different

In my story what changed was our life circumstances. Life can be challenging enough but sometimes it throws you a huge curveball. Our bubble burst when, 8 weeks before our baby was due, we found ourselves in the intensive care unit with me fighting for my life.

Our baby was born 8 weeks premature by emergency caesarean section and in the days following I contracted necrotising fasciitis, more commonly known as the flesh eating bug.

To cut a long story short I made it. But it was far from an easy ride. I lost my womb and ovaries along with two thirds of the flesh on my torso. I also contracted septicaemia which damaged my feet.

I spent three months in hospital bed bound and underwent numerous surgical procedures to rebuild my body. I also had a near death experience (NDE) where I literally saw the light! But that’s another story.

My whole world had been turned upside down. Mentally, emotionally and physically I was struggling to deal with a severely disfigured body and what that meant for me as a woman. Spiritually I had just had a big wakeup call that challenged my world view.

A BIG mistake we made as a couple was we didn’t talk. This thing seemed way too big and painful to speak about. And so we hid from it and therefore hid from each other.

So #1 learning – Always talk

Let’s face it, life is full of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. I know my example is big here but you also constantly face the challenges of life. And it is all too easy for the demands of life to get in the way, be that work, children, family, hobbies, friends…all of us have limited time and the choice to make of where we spend it.

No matter how painful it seems, honesty and conversation are true blessings. And sometimes you may need to get some support from someone who can help you talk to each other.

Which brings me to learning #2 – Make time for each other

It is one of the most crucial things to do. And again one of the easiest things to let slide. Especially if you have a young family. Everyone else’s needs can seem more important but they are not.

It is super important to put you and your partner high up on your priorities and plan special time together.

Learning #3 – Focus on what IS working instead of what ISN’T

It’s very common and very easy when things are not right in our intimate relationship to focus on what’s wrong and try to fix it. I know I obsessed about it because it was so important to me and I desperately missed that wonderful sense of connection.

After we had separated I met this amazing man. He was in his late 80’s and had studied psychology his whole life. He told me how he would lie in bed at night and silently speak to his wife. He shared with me how what you focus on grows and pointed out that if you focus on what’s wrong in your relationship you will get more of that.

The truth of this hit me like a ton of bricks. I had fought so hard to correct what was wrong in our relationship. I’d pushed, I’d pointed out it was broken and we needed to fix it.

What I didn’t do was focus on what was right with it.

It made me realise that in trying to ‘fix’ it and desperately seeking that connection all I had done was unwittingly pushed it further away.

What was missing was learning #4 – Appreciation

Develop a practice (daily is good) where you regularly think about what’s good about your relationship and your partner. What is it that you appreciate him/her for?

Spend 5-10 minutes thinking about it. This can be things inside and outside of your relationship. What are they good at? What do they do well? What makes you smile about them?

Connection is an inside job, it’s a feeling. Focusing on what you appreciate about someone else starts to create a warm feeling inside. It also naturally spills out of you towards them. When someone else is genuinely appreciating you it feels really good to be on the receiving end of that.

Appreciation is so powerful in any relationship. With my husband I see him energetically grow as I appreciate him, it goes both ways, and feels so good. Look for things to be thankful and grateful for rather than focusing on the things which are missing. Remember what you focus on grows.

And finally for today learning #5 – What state are you in?

When it comes to the Women’s PowerTypes – the 5 powerful models of women’s leadership that make up your unique PowerTypes Profile – they can be immensely helpful in your intimate relationship.

The Lover is definitely your chief ally on so many levels. Firstly you need to be filled up. I see so many women running on empty and then wondering why their intimate relationship is lacking. I say this with zero judgement because that was me too! I was always so busy doing everything and putting myself last. This meant I was running on empty and had nothing to give.

It is still me occasionally but the difference is now I see it and immediately switch to Lover PowerType.

Let’s face it…Superwoman and intimacy are not a good match!

Enhancing your Lover energy helps you fill yourself up. Then as the over-flowing cup you become highly attractive to your mate. When your needs are met you have extra to share. This is a highly magnetic quality and so important for us to embrace.

I see this so clearly with my husband. Having married the same man twice makes it all the more clear. I appreciate him every day – and interestingly, I watch him wanting to do more and more for me.

I hope my lessons help you to rediscover the connection in your relationship if it’s gone into hiding. It’s most likely still there just buried underneath life.

How about you? Please share in the comments anything you have found helpful to re-connect with your partner.

If you’d like to read my full story of near death, recovery and navigating being more loving (I messed it right up at first) you can read all about it in my book “From Vegas to the Pearly Gates: A gritty, true-life account of love at its best and absolute worst.”

 

About Wendy Harrington

Writer, Wife, Mother

Wendy is passionate about peace and harmony. Her near death experience opened her life up to increased love and happiness (after a battle with herself). She is the author of 2 books, mother of 3 daughters and wife of the love of her life.

She’s also one of the One of many team.

Connect with Wendy on YouTube or Facebook to discover tips for greater peace and harmony in your life and mind.

You’ll find a reading from the book sharing when she saw her body for the first time after the illness, and her sharing the bliss of her near-death experience.

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Want to find a new relationship dynamic? Read this

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Most of us have at least one relationship in our lives we’d like to change in some way. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about, maybe even deeply love, the other person. But when interactions start to feel like a pattern you’re stuck in, it can be incredibly restrictive. If you want to find a new relationship dynamic but aren’t sure where to start, here’s an approach you can try. 

When roles become restricting

Let’s start by looking at the kinds of situations when you can find yourself getting “stuck” in a certain dynamic.

For example, you might find that you’re constantly the one who’s mothering your group of girlfriends. Sure, you’re happy to be the designated driver once in a while. But lately it seems like you’re forever organizing things, booking cabs, holding coats and keeping an eye on anyone who’s had one too many after-work drinks.

Isn’t it time you were able to let your hair down for once?

For Madeleine, a self-employed writer, it was her relationship with her partner that felt like it needed a shakeup. Since becoming parents, it was starting to feel as though their life had become an endless to-and-fro of childcare, admin, and work.

“We’ve been together for more than a decade and have always had a lot of fun. Suddenly, our interactions felt like they’d become so functional: who’s looking after the toddler, what errands need doing, did you remember to call so-and-so… and yet when we tried to make changes, I found myself becoming defensive – and we’d find ourselves back in the same place.”

For you, it might be a totally different relationship where the dynamic needs to shift: Your boss, your colleagues, even your kids.

What relationship can you think of where you’re treading the same old path, no matter what you try?

Want to change a relationship dynamic? Try this

If you’ve noticed a sense of frustration creeping into one of your relationships, it might be time to try a different tactic when it comes to shifting things up.

Often, we can find ourselves focusing on what we wish the other person would change. If only your friends weren’t so selfish, or your boss so demanding, you’d be golden, right?

Or we focus on what’s not working in our interactions with the other person. And end up talking ourselves round in circles as we dissect our frustrations, and feel as though we’re getting nowhere.

But in any relationship, there are always two people involved – and one of them is you. That’s who you have the greatest power to change. And making that change doesn’t actually need to involve the other person at all.

The great news is, when you begin to think about shifting the way you’re behaving, it takes the pressure off trying to make the other person change who they are. (Which, let’s face it, can be an uphill battle).

Does this mean you have to stop being you?

In a word, no. It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about being a different version of yourself, so that you can start making a stand for a healthier way of interacting. And when you start to behave differently, those around you inevitably respond in a different way.

Perhaps the ever-accommodating big sister starts to say “no” once in a while – your sibling will have to figure out an alternative.

Or the workaholic supermum decides she isn’t going to pile on the pressure by taking responsibility for her team’s results and the school bake sale. Someone you might never have thought of might decide to step into your usual place.

Learning to step into a different version of yourself – to create boundaries, change expectations and start standing up for how you want to be treated – is a life-changing skill.

If you know you could do with being a bit firmer when it comes to setting expectations and drawing boundaries, check out Enough is Enough: our free guide to gracefully setting unshakeable boundaries. Click here to download your free copy.

Using the PowerTypes to find a new relationship dynamic

If you’re not quite sure what dynamic’s playing out with that one difficult person, the Women’s PowerTypes™ are a fast way to get a handle on the different “roles” you’re playing in your life.

Warrioress, Sorceress, Queen, Lover and Mother. None of us are simply one PowerType – we’re all a blend of all 5. You’re at your most powerful when you can navigate smoothly between them all, effortlessly calling on the one that’s most appropriate for any given moment.

Often, when we feel stuck in a relationship dynamic, it’s because we’re using one PowerType more than the others. Rather than having access to all your different “selves”, you’re locked in one way of behaving.

Madeleine knew that, since becoming a mother, her Mother PowerType had really come to the fore. When it came to her romantic relationship, she knew Lover would be important to nurture, but there was a surprising PowerType that she discovered was equally vital.

“Warrioress was one of the lowest scores on my PowerTypes profile. She’s all about playful, youthful energy – and I realized that I’d really been missing that in my relationship too. We’d always loved going dancing, so reconnecting to music I love to move to, and channelling some of the playful energy I’m enjoying with my son into my relationship with my husband, really turned things around.”

Change the part you’re playing, and the script will shift

If you want to find a new relationship dynamic, start by thinking about the role you might be playing, and what might feel like a more fulfilling alternative.

Making small commitments to bring out a different side to you – listening to a particular track, moving in a different way physically – might have a bigger effect than you think.

Have you found yourself stuck in a relationship rut? What helped you to change the dynamic? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to support a friend with burnout

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Research from Montreal University earlier this year revealed once more something most of us are anecdotally aware of: women are far more likely to suffer from work-related burnout than men. Even if burnout hasn’t affected you directly, you’re almost certain to come across a woman experiencing it at some point: whether it’s your sister, your cousin, your old school friend or that colleague who never stopped working (until she had to).

So when it strikes, how can we make a difference to the amazing women around us who find themselves at the point of burnout? Are there things we can say or do to help support each other and avoid getting to it in the first place?

It’s worth noting that if someone you know is having more serious challenges, or isn’t being supported in any other way, it’s important for them to receive appropriate help. That might mean talking to their GP, accessing Occupational Health support via work, or contacting a professional who’s equipped to give them the support they need.

But outside of that, woman to woman, there’s an awful lot you can do to make a real difference to someone who’s struggling. Here are 5 places to start:

  1. Listen

I mean, really listen. Not while you’re scrolling through Facebook; not while you’re ‘just finishing this one email’. Turn off your devices, go somewhere quiet if you can (or use headphones if you’re on your mobile!) and give your friend the space to talk about what’s going on. In our Women’s coach training, we call this “devoted listening” – and it’s such a powerful thing to do.

For lots of us, resisting the urge to dive in with suggestions can be challenging. When we’re used to solving problems, from sales strategy to screaming toddlers, we can find ourselves locked in “solution” mode.

But feeling heard and acknowledged is a really important part of fostering true relationship, and in allowing each other to connect to our own wisdom.

So make some time to listen, and allow your friend to share exactly what’s happening for them, without interruptions.

2. Practice observation

When you’re talking to someone who’s going through burnout, it’s really important to give them space to talk. What can also be helpful is to get curious – put yourself in “observer” mode. Your aim isn’t to interrogate or criticise them, but you can gently reflect back what you’re noticing or hearing.

For example, you might notice that as they talk they’re repeatedly referring to times when they dropped everything to deal with someone else’s emergency.

Lovingly pointing that out, without emotion or judgment – “It sounds as though you’re often having to chair the team meeting at the last minute when Fred can’t make it” rather than “God, Fred’s always letting you down isn’t he?” – can be a really respectful way to help them connect to their own guidance.

The other important thing to bear in mind is our tendency to want to help others, which can often come in the form of “rescuing” them from a situation by taking it on ourselves.

Needless to say, adopting their stress as your own won’t help either of you. Powerful listening and gentle reflection of what’s happening is the most compassionate way to get truly present to what’s happening, without disempowering or patronising.

3. Signpost where you can

As your friend talks, it may become clear that there’s somewhere they could access more help from.

Maybe they’re finding it hard to stand up for themselves and set boundaries; they could really do with someone to delegate household chores to, or they’re in need of an amazing PA to share some of the business load with them.

When you’re in the thick of things, just looking for a solution can feel like a mountain to climb. With their permission, ask if there’s anything you can do to help them find the support they need.

Be specific – “Would you like me to find the phone number of a local cleaner who could pop in for an hour a week?”, for example, or “Shall I ask my amazing accountant to email you about setting up a meeting?”

Your aim isn’t to add more things to your friend’s to-do list – and if what she needs is time to rest and do nothing, it’s really important to respect that. But if you can help her connect to the support that could really make a difference, you might find that’s the greatest gift you can give.

4. Come back to Love

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are our guides to stepping into our uniquely female leadership – and Mother is the PowerType that’s most compassionate and caring when it comes to the people in our lives.

Healthy Mother energy is able to hold unconditional love for those close to us (without depleting herself or moving into self-sacrifice.)

That means letting your friend know you’re there for her, you value her, and you love her just as she is – no matter how she’s feeling, or what she thinks she’s failed at.

It’s also important to remember to take time to replenish yourself. If you’re taking care of someone in your life, it can be emotionally exhausting, so make sure you give yourself space to fill up and restore your energy.

It will enable you to be the best support possible for them as they move out of burnout and back to healing.

5. Help them stop it happening again

Many women in our community describe burnout as a wake up call – and a catalyst for them to make changes in their life to stop it happening again.

When the time is right, helping your friend to explore the lessons a challenging experience has brought them, and reassuring them that they’re not alone in having gone through it, can be a really kind thing to do.

Whether it’s shifting careers, balancing responsibilities or restoring healthier boundaries, knowing we’re supported by others has a huge impact on our recovery, resilience and ability to thrive after a setback like burnout.

Are you a natural helper?

If you’re a born supporter who loves helping women get their mojo back after a challenge, or be kind to themselves during times of stress or burnout, have you ever considered becoming a coach?

Coaches help women with all kinds of challenges – overwhelm and burnout are just one of them – and training to provide this kind of support can lead to an incredibly rewarding career if you enjoy interacting with and empowering other women.

You can find out more about our Coaching Certification program by watching our free online training, The Secret To Coaching Women – click here to book your spot.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When boundaries don’t work

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Boundaries are one of our most essential tools when it comes to staying sane and managing our multiple responsibilities. Whether it’s clarity around work responsibilities, structure around your time or knowing just what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to communication, forget diamonds – boundaries are your very best friend. So when boundaries don’t work, things can really get challenging.

Today I want to share a quick guide to handling boundaries when people in your life ignore them, clash with them or don’t seem to understand them. But first, let’s get clear.

What are boundaries?

I think Brené Brown has the simplest definition I’ve seen:

“Boundaries are simply: what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

It’s a great way to look at boundaries. They’re your way of defining what you need to be at your best. 

You can create boundaries around all sorts of things – your needs, your time, your relationships. But what happens when someone crosses them, or you need to change them?

When boundaries don’t work

There are a few different reasons why boundaries might not work. Sometimes we’re all too aware of the problem; other times, we’re called to pay closer attention to subtle signs. Do any of these feel relevant to you, right now?

When people ignore a boundary

Sometimes it’s really obvious that a boundary just isn’t being respected.

You’ve made it clear that you need to know when your friend’s going to pop round, and yet she keeps rocking up unexpectedly.

You’ve made the boundary clear, and the other person isn’t honouring that. Time for an important conversation – below, I’ll give you a process for exactly how to do it.

When you need to make a new boundary

This one can be a lot more subtle to spot. How do you know when a new boundary is needed?

One of the big giveaways that it’s time to take a closer look at the boundaries in your life is anger.

Perhaps a colleague keeps handing over tasks that you really don’t enjoy doing, or your partner’s expecting you to pick up the slack when they get lost in a new project.

If you’re finding yourself losing your temper, or noticing feelings of resentment or frustration bubbling up, it’s probably time to look at your boundaries again.

When your boundary clashes with someone else’s

One of the trickiest situations we have to deal with is one where our boundaries clash with someone else’s. So you come across a colleague who’s been working on their assertiveness, but it seems as though you’re expected to deal with the fallout of the tasks they’ll no longer tolerate.

Or maybe your Mum has a strict boundary around Christmas being just for family. Your friend’s going through a really rough patch, and you know you don’t want her to spend the day alone.

Could be your boss, your kids, or your parents – realizing that your boundary contradicts or infringes on theirs is always complicated.

So how do we deal with situations when our boundaries just don’t seem to work?

Is it selfish to have boundaries?

Now, for a lot of us – especially when we’re fairly new to setting boundaries – it can be tempting to wonder if the energy it takes to maintain them really worth it.

It could be a big one: You’ve told your partner that you can’t be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much they’re not in control any more.

Or something minor, but still important: You can’t drop everything, yet again, because your sister’s too disorganised to finish work on time.

From awkward conversations to tough decisions like leaving a job or relationship, upholding a boundary can feel like more trouble than it’s worth. After all, you’re a nice person – you hate letting people down – and the last thing you want to do is introduce conflict.

Are boundaries selfish?

Let’s return to Brené Brown, whose groundbreaking work on vulnerability has changed the way many of us relate to boundaries. She says

“One of the most shocking findings of my work was the idea that the most compassionate people I have interviewed over the last 13 years were also the absolutely most boundaried…

What I think that [a lot of us] do is that we don’t set boundaries.

We let people do things that are not okay or get away with behaviours that are not okay and then we are just resentful and hateful.

Me? I’d rather be loving and generous and very straightforward with what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

So, far from being selfish, setting clear boundaries is an act of great compassion. It means the people in our lives know where they stand. And it allows us to cultivate healthy, balanced relationships rather than simmering with suppressed rage at what we’re having to put up with.

And if it feels hard, remind yourself of this: you only need 10 seconds of courage to set the principles that will save you huge amounts of resentment, conflict and energy in the long term. I’ve learned it’s far better to cope with that little bit of awkwardness than the huge heap of resentment that builds up when you agree to things you don’t want to do.

Big decisions around boundaries can be hard. But the truth is, you only have one life. Is it worth spending it locked in a job, relationship or situation that’s causing you huge stress and resentment, simply to make things easier for the other person?

How to handle a boundary that’s not working

Here’s a 3 step process you can use when a boundary isn’t working.

But first, something really important to note: Don’t wait to be at a time when your boundaries are being crossed to have this conversation.

Instead, give some thought to what’s going on. What’s the boundary you want to create, re-instate, or uphold? Find a time to talk about this outside of the situation.

So if your team member’s perpetually late, don’t wait til they’re sidling guiltily into their seat (and you’re boiling with rage). Choose a time when you can be proactive about the situation before it flares up.

1. Acknowledge the past

If this boundary is one that you’ve let slide before – or perhaps not even been aware of – it’s really important to make it clear that this is changing.

So, start by acknowledging how things have been.

“I know I’ve been working later than I’m supposed to these past few months”

Or

“In the past I’ve stepped in to do the school pickup when you’re running late”

Stay factual, rather than using emotive language. This conversation is one that requires you to be in a calm, clear place, and you want the other person to feel receptive and ready to listen – not to be instantly on the defensive.

3. Set your boundary

This is your chance to get really clear – remembering that defining this is ultimately the most compassionate thing you can do.

Most importantly?

Don’t fall into justifying, explaining or rationalizing your decision.

This isn’t a debate or a discussion – it’s you simply stating what’s true for you.

“I’m not going to be able to do that any more.”

“I’m no longer willing to take that responsibility”

3. Collaborate together

If you’re finding your boundary clashes with someone else’s – and that person is someone who’s important to you – then this will be a vital part of finding your new way forward.

How can you find a way that meets the other person’s needs and still respects your boundary?

What do you both need to be in place to feel good about the situation?

This is why it’s so important that this conversation takes place when you’re not feeling triggered or fired up. When you’re calm and collected, you’ll be in a much more resourceful place when it comes to finding a solution that works for everyone.

Are boundaries a challenge?

If boundaries are something you find tricky to navigate, take a look at our free guide, when we explore this and other boundary conversations and principles in a lot more depth.

It’s called Enough is Enough: How to Gracefully Set Unshakeable Boundaries… and it does what it says on the tin!

Click here to download your copy.

How about you?

Are you the Queen of unshakeable boundaries? Have you got a particularly sticky boundaries conundrum going on right now, that you’d love to get someone else’s take on? Share in the comments below – someone else might have just the words of wisdom you need.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Are relationships about compromise?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Are relationships about compromise? In 2011, Madonna was quoted as saying:

“The older I get, the more I understand about the nature of relationships and how to have a successful one. The more I realize that it has to do with compromise and sacrifice and that’s just the way it goes. And unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life, you have to realize that.”

Put like that, it sounds pretty black and white, doesn’t it? And yet, you probably know other people who are equally adamant that the right relationships are ones where you don’t have to sacrifice any part of yourself, or compromise who you are. So what’s the answer?

Here’s a quick guide to getting clear on when it’s a good idea to compromise.

What are you compromising on?

First things first, it’s important to get clear on your values when it comes to relationships. Values are the things which matter most to us – they’re our fundamental motivations in life. To explore your relationship values, start by asking yourself the following questions:

  • What’s most important to you?
  • What won’t you tolerate?
  • What motivates you?

When you have a list, try grouping similar values together so you can come up with a list of around 5 that feel most important to you.

Knowing your values is a really helpful sign post when it comes to considering a compromise. (If trust is on that list, for example, you’re unlikely to want to compromise when it comes to a partner who isn’t honest with you.)

But it’s not the only thing to bear in mind. Some things aren’t values, but are vital to you being able to live your life. These are your needs, and they’re the second aspect to consider when a compromise comes up.

What are your needs?

Needs are the basic requirements for us to be able to function. Not luxuries or desires, they’re the minimum things we need in place to be ourselves. Maybe you need 8 hours’ sleep at night, time to walk in nature, or plenty of water. In relationship, you might need to have a certain amount of physical contact, or time to be alone.

That’s not to say that you’ll never compromise on your needs. If your adventure-loving partner wants to get up at dawn to go on the holiday of their dreams, you might agree to compromise as a one-off.

But if your friend won’t stand for anything other than a night of cocktails, when you know your body needs to steer clear of alcohol, it could be time to decide you’re not going to compromise.

When you know your values and needs, you can set clear boundaries

Your boundaries are the agreements you make with yourself and others about what you will and won’t tolerate. You can have boundaries with others, for example about how your kids behave or when you’re available for work requests from your boss. And you can also have boundaries with yourself, for example about what you will or won’t tolerate.

At our BeLove retreat, we create a relationship manifesto. This isn’t just for intimate relationship, but for how you’re going to behave in all relationships. If you have a partner, this can be an incredibly helpful thing to share, so you know the common agreements you want to put in place.

Perhaps you commit to discussing disagreements over a cup of tea, instead of having a screaming match in the car on the way to your mum’s. Knowing that in advance can help you figure out compromises before tensions rise and things get heated.

So when could you think about compromising?

Outside of your values, boundaries and needs there are many cases when compromising your personal preference is something you’re happy to do. For example, you might decide to compromise when it comes to expressing appreciation for people you’re in relationship with.

The Five Love Languages are a system of distinguishing the ways we express and receive love. They are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch

Maybe you’re a hugger – you love physical touch and it’s the way you’d naturally show your partner you love them. But what your Dad would most appreciate is having your help with things he’s trying to do – he’s all about the quality time.

Or you really want to show your colleague how much you appreciate them. You’ve noticed how words of praise really light them up, and so you take the time to compose a thoughtful email detailing exactly the impact they’re having on you.

We’re all different, and the Love languages are a great example of how we can compromise in a way that feels good, because it allows us to deepen our connection with others.

The same thing goes for many other areas of compromise. Often, it’s those differences from other people that attract us to be in relationship with them in the first place.

So whether it’s expressing love, choosing what to have for dinner, or where to live, there are all kinds of opportunities for compromise. What’s key is understanding the motivation behind your decision, from an understanding of where your own boundaries lie.

What’s at the root of the compromise?

Perhaps the most important thing to consider when it comes to compromise is what the motivation is behind it. If you’re compromising in an effort to please the other person, or make them like you, it might be that the root cause is a fear of not being good enough. Eventually, that kind of pattern can lead to you feeling resentful, put-upon or drained.

On the other hand, compromise can come from a place of wanting to make the other person feel good, and brighten their day. Maybe you don’t love that one band your partner’s been obsessed with since university – but you’ll book them tickets and go along to the concert because you know what deep joy it will bring to their lives.

When you know your needs and your boundaries, and you’re clear on your values, you know you’re staying true to the things which matter most to you. Compromise can be a place you choose to visit to express love to those around you, without feeling like you’re betraying yourself.

How about you?

What’s your experience of compromise? Do you make conscious decisions to compromise for your partner – and do they make compromises for you? Share your experiences, positive or negative, in the comments.

If you’re ready to transform your personal relationships, and discover profound self-love, our BeLove retreat could be just for you. For a no obligation consultation with one of our team members to find out if this is the right step for you, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The power of connection

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

In a world that’s increasingly connected digitally, and yet more and more isolated in real terms, we’re understanding more and more the power of connection.

Connecting with others has a huge impact on our wellbeing – physically, emotionally, and economically. But why exactly is that – and what’s the impact those connections have on our lives?

Without connection, we’re lost

It’s a sad symptom of many of the challenges we’re currently facing as a globe that much of what we know about connection comes from observing what happens when we lack it.

Notwithstanding the impact on quality of life and life satisfaction, a Harvard study found that loneliness has an equivalent risk factor to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, shortening one’s lifespan by eight years.

In the UK, loneliness is considered such a serious problem that an organization has been set up to combat it: The Campaign to end Loneliness. They point to figures from a study by The Co-op and the British Red Cross which reveal over 9 million people in the UK across all adult ages – more than the population of London – are either always or often lonely.

Research commissioned by Eden Project initiative The Big Lunch found that disconnected communities could be costing the UK economy £32 billion every year.

That’s a huge amount of money, energy and wellbeing being lost because we’re missing simple connections in our lives.

The power of connection for women

And for women, these connections are especially important. A 2006 breast cancer study found that women without close friends were four times as likely to die from the disease as women with 10 or more friends. (That wasn’t dependent on the amount of time spent with them, or how close they lived. Just having friends had a beneficial effect.)

When it comes to our careers, connecting with other women has a similarly profound impact. I was blown away by an article in the Harvard Business Review all about the power of attending women’s conferences. Here at One of Many we know all about the transformation, connection and joy that comes from conferences. Our One Woman Conference is the biggest event in our year.

But before this I hadn’t seen any research attempting to really quantify the impact events like this have.

The HBR study followed women who’d attended a women’s conference, and found that they were three times as likely to receive a pay increase of more than 10% in the year after the conference – and their likelihood of receiving a promotion doubled.

The evidence is clear: when women come together, we lift each other up.

Time for change

It’s only relatively recently that women have had the same rights as men to work, earn money, and make our own decisions about our lives. Our voices are relatively new in the political and economic spheres, making this a time of incredible opportunity.

“The future is about women. Women leading the way for a better world where they can live fulfilling lives, pursuing their individual dreams and those of their families. The tools of the 21st century — connectivity, access to knowledge, access to each other — are tools that women can and do put to powerful uses.” Kathy Brown

And making the most of that opportunity needs us to come together and collaborate. To support each other in every area of our lives; to allow each other to take off the masks we hide behind and be our true, powerful, vulnerable selves.

In the words of the poet Adrienne Rich

“The connections between and among women are the most feared, the most problematic, and the most potentially transforming force on the planet.”

If you’d like to experience the power of connecting with likeminded women, we’d love you to join us for the One Woman Conference. Click here to find out all about it and join the Priority Notification List to be the first to find out when doors open.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What marriage is really like

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Want to know what marriage is really like? Let me paint you a picture.

We’re in the kitchen, when Greg opens the fridge and does a double take.

“Why is there so much food in the fridge? Do we have people coming round, or something?”

He knows the answer already. I’ve mentioned it at least twice, once when we were talking business last weekend and again as we played with the kids at the park.

“Yup. Annie and Susie are coming to stay at the weekend”

His response, let’s say, is not what I expect.

“Well. That’s the first I’ve heard of it.”

Ever experienced something similar with your other half? A time when it felt like they’d totally ignored something you’d clearly told them at least once?

Did you fly off the handle, accuse them of ignoring you, or seethe inwardly at the fact that for the hundredth time the thing you’ve told them has taken second place to sports fixtures, historical trivia, or whatever else they deem to matter more than your words?

Marriage, or indeed any loving partnership, is a wonderful and deeply beautiful thing. But beyond the wedding photos, special dinners and mushy moments (I’m not knocking them for a second) are the thousands, millions perhaps, of interactions just like the one Greg and I had in our kitchen that day.

Opportunities to connect – or withdraw.

To confront – or surrender.

How about you? When was the last time you had a communication breakdown with your partner? Think back to it now, because today I want to share a really helpful reframe that helped give me a different perspective on these kinds of interactions, and what they mean to me.

The difference in how we think

I am a big fan of anything that brings us a greater understanding of what makes us tick, and more capacity to empathise with other people’s behaviour.

That’s why I’ve found it so helpful to learn about the science of how our brains can work in vastly different ways.

So, let’s dig into what’s really going on in the interaction I described.

Ignoring… or interruption?

So in the example above, the scenario was pretty clear from my perspective. I’d told Greg numerous times about the plans for the weekend, and he’d chosen to ignore me, right?

Previously, I would certainly have taken it personally. After all, I know that when it comes to certain other facts – historical dates, the price of gold, all kinds of random (and from my perspective pretty irrelevant) trivia – are lodged in his brain indelibly. And yet when it comes to important information about guests in our house, apparently it just wasn’t important enough to hold on to.

What changed that tendency to take things personally was when I learned about the modal tendency some people – including Greg – have wired right into their brains.

No idea what I’m talking about? Read on.

The ‘modal’ model

What I learned after looking at some really fascinating research is that some people’s brains, especially when they’re in instinctive or ‘animal’ states tend to be much more “modal” than others.

That is to say, they tend to be focused on one task or problem, with anything not directly related to solving that problem being filtered out as having less significance.

In other words, when I mentioned our upcoming guests in the context of a business meeting, Greg was focused on the specific challenge we were discussing in that moment. He wasn’t ignoring me – he simply wasn’t registering its relevance outside of that context.

The same thing happened when we were having family time with the kids. Playground time meant playground time for Greg – not time to plan ahead, think about guests, or wonder what the fridge would look like when he opened it on Friday morning.

The strengths of modal thinking

Now, when I discovered my husband hadn’t heard a word I’d said I could have easily jumped straight into anger. But the more I learn about the way other people’s brains work, the more I appreciate the strengths that way of thinking can bring.

Narrow, deep focus allows problems to be solved all the way through to completion. The focus is on finding the solution to that one priority – which makes for incredibly efficient, focused resolution to even complex problems.

It’s a fantastic way to combat stress, because wider worries and awareness of things which aren’t directly relevant is swiftly filtered out by the modal brain. Greg definitely hadn’t been worrying about how we’d be taking care of our guests when they arrived, after all.

When we start to recognize that the ability to think modally is a distinctive thing, we can not only have compassion. We can start to admire it. That way of thinking is a real gift – it allows them to be completely present, immersed and ‘in flow’ in what they’re doing.

What’s more, it gives us clues as to how to make future interactions more positive.

How to interact with a modal thinker

Male or female, partner or boss, when you’re interacting with someone whose brain works in this modal way there are 3 key things to bear in mind.

1. Firstly, be aware of this tendency.

If your partner is a one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, it might be worth doing what Greg and I do and allocating specific slots in the week to talk about things you need to. We have 3 meetings: one for business, one for life admin, and one for finances. If you’re not running a business you probably need less, but the principle is the same: by allocating a time to talk about the topics you need to cover, you’ll avoid the spontaneous interruptions that modal thinkers find so challenging.

2. If you need to interrupt, do so thoughtfully.

Just as with my toddler, if it’s appropriate then touch can be a great way to signal that a change in topic is needed. Ask permission: is it OK if I interrupt you for a minute? And wait until you get a clear “yes” before launching into what you’re saying. A non-committal “uh-huh” or silence probably indicates you don’t yet have their full attention.

3. Ask them what they need

You might suspect your partner is a modal thinker, but nothing beats having a conversation to find out their perspective. I don’t mean launching into a “I’ve diagnosed you with this problem I read about on the internet” next time you have a disagreement, tempting as that might sound. But you could try asking your partner “How does it feel when you’re interrupted from something you’re doing?” or suggesting you agree a way to deal with logistics when it comes to your home.

What marriage is really like

So, to return to my original question – what’s marriage really like? For us at least, it’s a journey of learning.

Of noticing what causes emotions to run high, and getting curious about why that might be.

It might be to do with brain chemistry, personal triggers, or something that’s totally unique to you. Either way, it’s worth exploring what you can learn about each other and instead of taking the patterns personally, asking what they can teach you to appreciate in your partner. Choosing to understand, admire and celebrate our differences only deepens our connection with each other.

How about you? Have you found a niggle or source of friction that you were able to investigate and turn into a strength? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you’d like to get more tools and strategies to strengthen your relationship and bring more love into your world, join us for our BeLove Retreat. Click here to book in a no-obligation chat with one of our team and find out the full details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What to do when you feel isolated

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

In a world that’s more connected than ever, it can be hard to know what to do when you feel isolated. Isolation is defined as “the state of feeling alone and without friends or help.” If that’s a feeling you’ve had even a glimpse of lately, it’s important to take action to get the help you need.

Whether you’ve thrown yourself into building a business and let your close friendships drop, or made a transition into motherhood or retirement, there are times when all of us can feel as though we’re no longer supported by the groups that once held us.

What isolation isn’t

Let’s clear one thing up first: just because you’re alone, doesn’t mean you necessarily feel isolated. Introverts and Highly Sensitive People, as defined by Elaine Aron in her brilliant book of the same name, typically need plenty of time by themselves to “recharge” after spending time with other people.

And in our community we actively suggest you take some time out to do something that gives you pleasure by yourself – we call it ‘Soft Play’ – whether it’s a trip to the movies, a walk in nature, or letting yourself loose in a gorgeous stationery shop.

(If the sound of taking time out just to do what’s fun for you made you splutter your tea over your screen just now, you might want to listen into our free audio all about Soft Play, which you can access for free when you join the community).

Isolation is the feeling of being alone, and that can be the case whether you’re surrounded by people or not. Think of the mum whose main social interaction day to day is with people under the age of 10 – and who needs to talk about the disaster her marriage has become. Or the leader who’s always strong for her team, but has no one to turn to when she needs to open up about how uncertain the future feels right now.

If you’ve ever looked around at your family or colleagues and thought “None of you have the slightest idea what’s going on in my head right now” then you’ve had a glimpse of isolation.

On a deeper level, and when it continues, it can be a really horrible feeling to shift. It’s really hard to make positive changes in your life or feel motivated by your day to day when you don’t feel like you have anyone in your life who understands you.

So if you are feeling isolated – or just in need of some support – here are our suggestions.

What to do if you feel isolated

1. Know it’s not you

We have a horrible tendency to blame ourselves when things aren’t going well. “There must be something wrong with me” you think as your colleagues head out to get drunk on a Friday night – when you’re on a green smoothies, yoga-at-dawn mission for true inner vitality.

There’s not, and there’s probably nothing wrong with them, either. You’re just not a match for them right now. As our community’s grown we’ve learned time and again that there’s a place for all of us out there. People who “get” us, others looking for friends and deep connections; women who are going through just the same things and experiencing the same doubts and fears as you do.

All you have to do is find them. Easier said than done? Read on.

2. Open up

Feeling as though you’re alone is surprisingly common, but it can also be encouraging to discover that connection is out there if you look for it. Kate Leaver wrote The Friendship Cure, “A manifesto for connection in the modern world”. She writes:

“We let friendship opportunities pass us by every day because we are too awkward, too complacent or too shy to grasp them. Have the courage to change that… You’ll be surprised by how many potential friends there already are in your orbit.

Kate’s suggestions include:

· Inviting a friendly neighbour in for a cuppa
· If you chat to someone interesting at a social event, add them on Facebook and ask them to grab a coffee some time.
· Instead of routinely greeting the same person in the lift on the way to the office, suggest an after-work drink to debrief on the week.

Turning those civil interactions into a solid support network might feel scary, but you never know if other people are feeling the same way you do. Bite the bullet and put yourself out there – what’s the worst that could happen? A polite no?

3. Try an online group

The web can sometimes increase our sense of isolation, but it’s also a source of incredible connection and sisterhood. If geography or time is challenging for you – maybe you work long hours or live somewhere remote – online groups can be the neighbourhood café you dream of.

BeOne is our Facebook community and OK, I’m biased, but it’s one of the places on the web that’s the friendliest, liveliest, and most authentic I’ve come across. No icky self promotion or descending into name-calling – just refreshing openness, frank chats and the joy of celebrating our successes with other women. Click here if you’d like to join our crew – we’d really love to welcome you!

Now, we might not be your cup of tea of course, and that’s fine. We won’t take it personally. The point is, there’s bound to be a group out there that does resonate. Use the search bar, follow likeminded friends, double check if websites you visit have a forum or group you can connect with.

4. Reach out

You’ve found the online group that feels like home… now what? Everyone’s baring their souls and asking for advice, but their lives sound so exciting and sorted… they’d never want to hear from boring old you with your boring old life, right?

Wrong.

If you’re feeling really low and isolated, it’s going to be tough to move past the part of you that’s terrified to take that step. It can feel a bit like being back in the playground. Only, here’s the thing – we’re not in school anymore. There are so many women out there ready to support you and connect with you, but they won’t know who you are unless you pipe up.

I’ve lost count of the number of posts in our Facebook group that begin “I’m so nervous to post this…” or “I’ve been dithering about writing for weeks so I’m just going to take a deep breath and do it…”. Let people know who you are and what you need. You don’t have to overshare, reveal your darkest secrets or even tell people how alone you’re feeling. But if you could do with some support, or advice, or just a friendly hello: ask for it.

5. Invest in support

If you’re really feeling isolated, and the feeling doesn’t go away, you might need some extra help to get yourself back to a place where you feel seen and supported. That’s totally OK – in fact, it’s likely that all of us could do with some extra support at some points.

Feeling isolated can be a sign of depression, that you could talk to your GP or another professional about. It might also be a sign that you’re in a transition period of your life and would really benefit from a helping hand to support you to figure out what’s next.

If you think you might need a coach take a look at our coaching directory to see if one of our coaches might be able to help. Click here to find a coach in your area, or online, who resonates with you. Each of these women has been through our rigorous training, feedback and certification process. She is skilled in applying our cutting edge tools and methods to help you up-level in your life. We have coaches with specific interests such as wealth, leadership, vitality, executive, relationships, business…. As well as coaches who work more broadly on confidence and women’s power.

How about you? Have you ever felt isolated, and what did you do to move past it? Your experience might be just what another woman needs to read right now – let us know in the comments.

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