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When self care feels like a chore

By

Wendy Harrington

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

When you’re working flat out just to stay on top of your responsibilities, self-care can feel like one more thing you don’t have time for. If your idea of self-love is crossing the final item off your to-do list – and maybe getting 8 hours sleep to celebrate – today I’m sharing 5 simple steps to try. When self-care feels like a chore, it’s a sign that it’s time to go back to basics, and these simple actions won’t take more than a few minutes out of your day.

If self-care feels like a chore, you’re not alone

Given the media clichés of women lounging in fluffy towels, stopping to grab a coffee with girlfriends, or getting ready for “date night”, you might be surprised how many of us struggle to connect with the idea of taking even a few minutes of time out just for us.

In our recent interview with Sarah Jane Volkers, a graduate of our Lead the Change program, she shared that before finding One of many “I was shocked (can you believe this?) at the idea that you might buy yourself a cup of coffee when you were out shopping – you know, just rock up and take 5 minutes to yourself without anyone else to treat or talk to!”

But self-care isn’t necessarily what you think. To understand why, it’s time to introduce an important Women’s PowerType™ – The Lover.

The Lover and self-care

At One of many we use 5 powerful female archetypes to support our holistic approach to leadership. One that many successful women struggle to connect with is The Lover.

If your Lover PowerType is under-expressed, you might find that life feels like an endless round of rules, discipline and obligations. It might even seem as though your days are “grey” or “monotone”, made up of tasks to be achieved and crises to be dealt with. Relationships, especially intimate ones, can feel stagnant or stuck and taking care of yourself or experiencing pleasure probably falls even lower on the priority list.

We often assume that stepping into our “Lover” means reconnecting to our partners, but the foundation of Lover is in your own experience.

It’s the PowerType that allows you to take care of yourself, and experience the fullest joys of life. The Lover finds pleasure in every sense, whether it’s a delicious scent, an exquisite meal or a piece of music that transports her to a different time.

So learning to embrace The Lover is the perfect way to discover your unique path to self-care. It might have nothing to do with the clichés you’ve seen… or you might find that, as you learn to connect to yourself, you surprise yourself with activities you’ve previously sneered at.

Remember, keeping an open mind is vital. When we’re running in “Superwoman” mode we often switch off from the parts of ourselves that aren’t harnessed to our productivity. So even if it feels silly at first, try building some of these suggestions into your daily or weekly routine, and what subtle differences you start to notice.

5 ways to love yourself when self care feels like a chore

1. Find the music that lifts your heart

Music is an incredibly powerful tool to change your emotional state and allow you to connect to different feelings. In just a few minutes, you can start to connect to parts of yourself you might have long forgotten.

Think about pieces of music that spark emotion in you (or ask the One of many community for their recommendations!). They might be songs with moving lyrics, reminders of a different time in your life (maybe when you first met your partner?) or just pieces of music that are meaningful to you in some way.

Dancing is a wonderful way to take the experience to the next level. If you’re not used to moving physically, just swaying from side to side can be a profound thing to try.

Could you find five minutes to play some music, each day? While cooking dinner, on your way home from work, or alone in your bedroom?

Try it: Cue up a song, close your eyes, and see what comes up for you. 

2. Connect to your senses

What do you see, smell, hear, touch or taste during the course of a typical day? If you find that life passes by in a blur, try just simply slowing down.

Maybe you have an opportunity to walk through a park on your commute, take ten minutes to savour a morning cup of tea or snuggle into a soft blanket when it’s time for bed.

Taking care of yourself means finding opportunities to make yourself feel special in some way, whatever that looks like for you. It doesn’t have to mean extravagant shopping sprees or days at the spa.

Here are some ideas to bring your world alive:

  • Choose stationery that makes you smile. Next time you need a new notebook, could you choose one that really speaks to you with a beautiful cover, or textured pages? Or choose a pen that feels really delicious to write with?
  • Rearrange your space: move a favourite piece of artwork or furniture so it’s the first thing you see when you wake up; or display photos of your loved ones to greet you when you walk in the door.
  • Buy fresh flowers for your workspace, every week. Make it a ritual, just for you.
  • Explore essential oils, or find a new perfume, that makes you feel special.
  • Stop saving your nicest things for a “special occasion” – whether it’s your fancy underwear, special mug or a beloved piece of jewellery. Let yourself enjoy the “best” every day, and see how that changes your perception of yourself.

3. Enjoy touch — without pressure

Touch is often the sense we pay least attention to, especially when we’re living “in our heads” as a leader. If you’re in a partnership which feels like it’s lost its spark; spend most of your time being grabbed and mauled by small children or hate the idea of a full body massage, take baby steps.

Are there parts of your daily routine involving touch, that you could stop and enjoy?

  • Brushing your hair
  • Moisturizing after a shower
  • Stretching and yawning first thing in the morning?

Taking a few seconds to enjoy using a gorgeous hand cream, noticing the way the sun feels on your face or giving your feet a massage when you take off your shoes can be gentle ways to begin to reconnect with your body.

4. Be thankful

Gratitude is a practice that’s becoming increasingly popular – it’s the foundation of our “thinking and thanking” ritual, which you can find in your audio library of Soft PowerCasts when you join our community (it’s free!).

But how often, even when you think about all you’re grateful for, do you remember to thank yourself?

One of the simplest ways to begin is by appreciating your body for everything it does.

No matter what physical challenges you face, there’s so much to be grateful for – from your incredible organs, to your trusty hands and of course your amazing brain.

Try whispering a “thank you” to your body last thing at night, or when you glance in the mirror.

You’re amazing!

5. Connect to others

It might sound like a strange way to practice self-care. But one of the ways you can begin to experience life more fully, and understand that your own struggles are shared by those around you, is to learn to listen to the other people in your life in a new way.

“Devoted listening” is a simple practice of staying quiet and really tuning in to what another person is telling us.

You can try it with colleagues, clients, friends or family. Even your partner – someone you see every day – might be someone you’ve not recently taken the time to really listen to.

Here are a few prompts to try:

  • Pay attention to what the other person is saying – don’t be tempted to start formulating your response, or assuming you know what they’re expressing.
  • What’s their body language telling you? What do they really look like – if they’re familiar to you, when did you last see them for who they really are?
  • What emotions do you detect they’re feeling? Are they tired, frustrated, enthusiastic? Without judging them, can you observe as closely as possible?

Notice how many people you connect with each day, and how rich and unique their lives, personalities and experiences are.

Without judging, fixing or envying them, how can you begin to cultivate a genuine appreciation for everything they bring to the world?

Deepening your connection with others can begin to awaken your own feelings, thoughts and emotions. And this element of meaningful connection means The Lover is a powerful energy to draw on as a leader, especially when building a network or inspiring others to join a fledgling movement.

Self-care is a practice

If self-care feels like a chore, rather than a reminder to find and appreciate enjoyment in your everyday life, it’s a sign that something needs to change.

When you’ve been locked in “Superwoman” mode, just taking a few minutes just for you can feel like an alien concept, let alone actively seeking pleasure, joy or a connection to your physical body.

Stick with it.

The rewards – from helping you rediscover the pleasure of relationships, to cultivating appreciation for yourself and becoming a more powerful and magnetic leader – are immense.

How about you?

Have you struggled to make time for yourself, or do you have unorthodox ways to practice self-care that work for you? I’d love to know. Share in the comments below, and let’s help each other to take baby steps towards putting our own needs first.

If you’d like to find out about how we support successful, sometimes a little too-busy women like you to discover a different way of leading, click here to book a call with the office. We’d love to walk you through our different programs and see if we have a training that’s the perfect fit for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Selfish or selfless? How personal development helps you contribute

By

Wendy Harrington

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

For some of us, embarking on a path of personal development feels oddly, well, selfish. Whether it’s starting an online program, undertaking a full certification training or just setting aside a few hours each week to listen to a 20 minute podcast, taking time out for ourselves can feel as though it’s detracting from our ability to contribute to our work, families or communities. But is it selfish or selfless to take that time for ourselves?

From a young age, we’re taught that it’s important not to be selfish. Learning to share and get along with others is a key factor in most schooling systems, for example. As we get older, we learn to sacrifice what we want to do – our selfish impulses – for self-discipline, contribution, and doing the right thing. 

As students we’re rewarded for those choices with external markers of success. Getting a good job; earning lots of money; having an impressive title.

Michelle Obama has spoken about her early career, which was characterised by such markers of success.

“When I was in my 20s, I thought I had it all. I had degrees from two prestigious universities. I had an office on the 47th floor of a skyscraper in downtown Chicago. I wore nice clothes to work and I was the proud owner of a Saab, which was pretty cool back then.”

What prompts us to turn inwards?

And yet life events can trigger moments where we begin to question our achievements, and perhaps to wonder whether they’re really as fulfilling as we imagined they would be.

For Michelle, it was a moment of bereavement that sparked a process of turning inwards – getting to know herself.

“…after I lost two of the people I loved the most – my incredible father and my free-spirited best friend from college – I started to question it all. I embarked on a journey of self-examination that ultimately led me into a lifetime of public service.”

Is self-examination the same thing as being selfish?

When Michelle talks about a “journey of self-examination” she’s referring to a concept that many of us can relate to.

Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar – a point in your life when you started to read books on topics you’d never previously been interested in.

Or find teachers who were asking bigger questions, about the purpose of life, and the meaning of our actions.

It’s at times like these that we begin to wonder “what makes me tick?” or “why has life led me to where I am now?”

Being selfish is defined as “lacking consideration for other people; being concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure”. But starting to look more closely at your own motivations and desires is rarely something you undertake with a motive of your own profit.

In fact, it can be driven by a deep desire to take better care of those around you

Why do you find yourself yelling at your kids, when you know that’s not the kind of parent you want to be?

What’s driving you to take on so many work projects that you’re drowing in deadlines, and ultimately performing at a level far lower than you could be with more time to think?

Personality tools – like the Women’s PowerTypes Profile – can be invaluable here. They can give you an external perspective on your motivations, patterns and responses that are hard to see by yourself.

When self-examination leads to a bigger contribution

What’s interesting about Michelle’s path is that the “self-examination” she embarked on led her to, in her words, “a lifetime of public service”.

I find it interesting – but not surprising.

It’s something we see time and again in graduates of our programs. It seems that paradoxically, the better we know and understand ourselves, the more motivation we find to begin to direct our energy in service of others. That might mean changing your industry; leading an initiative to support your community; or just being a more loving and engaged partner.

When we begin to tune in to ourselves, we start to access a way of being that’s sustainable.

We take care of ourselves. And it means that we can begin to hear our deepest values.

Your values are the core principles that matter most to you. Some of them might be things you were brought up with; others will be deeply personal to you.

No one else can tell you what your values are; they emerge when you’re able to quieten down the noisy demands around you, and really pay attention to yourself.

For Michelle, that sense of an “inner voice” has pulled her forward.

“In the years since, the issues I’ve been working on have often changed – from working in city government, to leadership development, to community engagement, to the issues of health, education and supporting military families that I focused on in the White House. But what hasn’t changed is the way my work makes me feel.

I believe in the goals I’m pursuing and they resonate with my values and my vision for the kind of communities – and the kind of world – I want to live in.

I feel like I’m connected to something larger than myself.”

For so many women, the process of getting to know ourselves is one which ultimately connects us to a far bigger impact on the world.

Want to understand yourself better?

The Women’s PowerTypes Profile is a quick questionnaire, which asks you to respond spontaneously to detailed questions. It’s been designed to give you deep insight into who you are – so you can tap into the natural way of leading that’s best for you.

Click here to discover your profile today

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

<a href=”https://oneofmany.co.uk/beone/” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>Become One of many™ women</a> creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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If you feel disconnected…

By

Wendy Harrington

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

One thing which makes the new paradigm of leadership distinct is the fact that it thrives not on competition – success despite others – but in collaboration and connection.

Success with and through others.

I was vividly awakened to the importance of this level of connection when I realised it was missing from my own life.

In my latest blog on joannamartin.com I’m sharing what I learned, and the steps I took to rectify the problem.

“I have a natural tendency to play solo. In the past, I’ve relied on my profound connection to Source – the universe, nature, the vision that pulls me forwards – for my connection needs, rather than other people.

I’d never seen that as a problem until I experienced really great connections in a new environment. But in that extraordinary setting, I experienced a depth of connection, and a feeling of such motivation to deepen and grow my work, that I became vividly aware of what I was missing.”

Click here to read the full article – and do share, if you’ve experienced something similar.

Leave a comment and let’s connect.

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Liz Gilbert, Mother and the Alpha Wolf

By

Wendy Harrington

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

You love certain people in your life deeply. Your family, dear friends, partner or team. They’re so precious to you that when something goes wrong in their lives, it affects you too. And for those you care most strongly for, you’d do anything to help them be the happiest version of themselves.

Only… what happens when that care starts to feel like being squashed, controlled or criticized?

Today I want to share an incredibly vulnerable and moving example of this kind of support in action. It’s a story of love through one of the most painful possible times. And it’s also filled with hope, and the wisdom which came from it.

Here’s what Liz Gilbert taught me about balancing our desire to help with respecting the freedom of those you love.

Liz Gilbert, Mother, and the Alpha Wolf

Before we dive in, let me give a bit of background – just in case you’re not as much of a fan of this writer as I am.

Liz Gilbert’s a globally renowned author, speaker and teacher. She’s one of my favourite writers, both for her incredible fiction and her teachings around love, fulfilment and creativity. As well a being the bestselling author of Eat, Pray Love and Big Magic and her latest novel, City of Girls, she’s a passionate advocate for social justice.

In 2016, she celebrated publically the news that a new relationship had blossomed in her life – with her best friend of 15 years, Rayya Elias. Tragically, the trigger for this awakening was Rayya’s diagnosis with terminal cancer. And in January 2018, Rayya died.

The time up to and following Rayya’s death is one about which Liz has been astonishingly lucid, vulnerable and raw about sharing in many of her public posts, talks and appearances.

Caring for a terminally ill partner is a devastating process. And I’m awed by how open Liz has been in sharing what she learned.

First, as a tribute to her fierce and beautiful partner. And secondly, as a profound lesson in the ways we can support and care for those we love, whilst honouring their independence and individuality.

The Mother in relationships

When we’re in a mode of caring and nurturing, the Women’s PowerType we tend to draw on is Mother.

She’s the archetypal version of the strongest Mothering instinct – unconditionally loving, gentle, and powerfully protective of  those in her care.

When does Mother help?

There are 5 Women’s PowerTypes™, and Mother might not be the first to spring to mind when it comes to your partner.

But the PowerTypes are archetypes – embodiments of certain ways of being – not literal descriptions. And there are times, in any relationship, that Mother energy is what’s needed.

  • When you or your partner are feeling hopeless, uncared for and small. We all need unconditional love from time to time, no matter what’s been going on.
  • When you or your partner are feeling vulnerable or unsafe – craving a sense of home, safety, being nurtured and nourished.
  • In times of sickness or exhaustion. Mother is the perfect energy in which to rest and feel cared for.

Just as Mother can be the most effective guide to caring for ourselves, bringing out the best in our team members or helping friends through tough times, so she can be a powerful support in relationships.

And for Liz, navigating the unthinkable – Rayya’s terminal illness and loss of independence – it was naturally an energy which came to the fore.

In a moving podcast for The Moth, called The Alpha Wolf, she shared some of the ways she moved into that caring role.

“I made plans to take care of her… and my whole planning was based on this idea that I was powerless to stop her from dying but by God, I was going to make sure that she had the gentlest, the safest and the most enlightened, the most cushioned death that a human being could possibly have.”

And yet, Rayya – the recipient of her care – was a reluctant – in fact a defiantly resistant patient. She didn’t want to be cosseted and cushioned; she insisted on continuing to live as she always had, right up until the end.

Here’s the beautiful, and even funny way Liz observes and pays tribute to that rebellion.

“She didn’t want to talk to the bereavement counselor that I brought to her house. She wanted to watch football afternoon with her nephews. I made her all this beautiful organic food to keep her as healthy as we could keep her, and she didn’t want it. She wanted to live on Oreos and cigarettes and did live almost exclusively on Oreos and cigarettes for a solid year past her original expiration date. And of course I got her to sign up with hospice, because I wanted to make sure that she had the best and safest quality homecare… and then Rayya got kicked out of hospice.”

There’s such humour, in that description of what must have included some really painful moments.

Overexpressed Mother in action

What Liz has picked up on is the way that Mother energy can sometimes run the risk of going into overdrive. “Overexpressed” Mother energy begins to show up as possessive, controlling or inappropriately ”fussy”.

It also starts to swallow your own resources.

And the situation doesn’t have to be extreme as Liz’s for this to be true.

Maybe you care so deeply about your team that you find yourself losing sleep over their personal lives.

Or you’re so concerned about your friend’s finances that unasked, you draw up a spending plan to help them get unstuck. (Never mind everything else that’s on your plate right now… or the fact that they’ve never stuck to a budget in their lives.)

What feels like care to the overexpressed Mother can feel a lot like being controlled or bossed about by the person in the “child” role.

And in the end, that can be a less effective way of supporting them on their path.

Finding balance with Mother

In Liz’s telling of the story, it was at the end of Rayya’s life that she finally understood the kind of care her lover wanted.

“Rayya didn’t want my help. She didn’t want my pity. She didn’t want my planning. She certainly didn’t want my story. The only thing that really wanted from me was that thing which I had always so effortlessly and naturally given her which was my devotion and my all. She just wanted me there in the room, in love with her and bearing witness.”

That pure, unwavering devotion – that honouring of the wholeness of the other person, and commitment to being there for them without trying to fix or change them – is a wonderful description of the Mother at her most powerful.

And Liz’s courage in sharing this lesson, continuing the legacy of she and Rayya’s love story and her own journey towards greater understanding, is something I find incredibly inspiring.

Taking charge of your Mother energy

If you know Mother’s a PowerType you tend to overexpress, here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself slipping into a caring mode.

1. Has this person asked for my help in this way?

You might be powerfully attuned to the challenges someone’s facing. But have you asked them what would help the most?

Checking in with them to see what they’d like you to do, or asking “would you be willing for me to…” gives them the autonomy to tell you what would be of most help to them. The answer might be “nothing right now” or “just being here to talk to” – if that’s the case, resist the urge to solve or fix things further.

2. Am I being depleted by my actions?

There are some people in our lives we’d willingly sacrifice energy for. Most mums have probably sacrificed their sleep and at times their sanity to support a sick kid; you might have a handful of drop-everything friends or family members who you’d turn your life upside down to be at their side.

But if you’re regularly being drained or exhausted in service of others, it might be time to take a look at how many people you’re committed to supporting.

Enough is Enough is our free how-to guide to setting boundaries and getting clear on what is and isn’t yours to take on. Click here to download your free copy now.

3. Do I have access to other leadership modes?

As a leader, Mother inspires independence, gratitude and courage in those around her.

But there are times when leaders need to call on other PowerTypes – decisive Queen, visionary Sorceress, energetic Warrioress or magnetic Lover.

If you’d like to find out how you can gain greater access to the full range of PowerTypes, book a call with one of the team today and find out if one of our programs or retreats might be a good fit for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest post: How to stop judgmental thoughts

By

Susie Heath

Susie Heath

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.
Susie Heath

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

Competent women all too often feel we have to supervise everything; that it’s up to us to decide if something or someone is up to scratch or not. This urge to control is often born from a deeper fear of getting things wrong. And very often it doesn’t help us – which is why knowing how to stop judgmental thoughts is such an important skill to learn.

Where judgment comes from

Did you know that most of our thoughts, feelings, and choices don’t actually belong to us? They are “borrowed” from other people, taught to us and conditioned, mostly before the age of 2. We grow up looking at the world and our relationships through these conditioned reactions.

Judgment, tolerance and acceptance put massive limitations around the possibilities in our own lives and in our relationships. Because they are all ways of closing down potential.

Judgment in relationships

We judge our own sex as well as the opposite sex, and we carry with us deep-rooted cultural judgments of each other.

For women, there is the unspoken historical accusation of tempting man away from his connection with God. Laughable though this may seem in our modern age, it is deeply imprinted in our cellular memory. And of course there are all the other damaging stereotypes and assumptions that have been used to oppress and stifle women’s freedom and power.

Men carry deep guilt too. They have been taught that nothing good came from man, only from woman; that they are bad not only for having suppressed women, but also for putting them through the pain and suffering of childbirth. At an unconscious level, men often feel they have to heal and make up for all the damage done. That can show up as trying to solve problems – but also as resentment.

We each hold assumptions about the other sex which come out in our behaviour and verbally towards each other, as you will hear in many conversations.

So imagine how it would be to stop invalidating each other.

It’s time to stop devaluing yourself and let go of all these judgments – to look for the greatness in the other and in yourself, rather than the limitations.

How we judge ourselves

You will be amazed how many of us judge ourselves to be wrong much of the time, because we hide it so well.

For instance,

  • Some religions have taught us that we are born in sin, live in sin and that sex is sinful. When you judge this, you make your very existence wrong, and limit who you are.
  • We judge our body and our talents for not being enough
  • If someone else rejects us we make ourselves wrong, rather than acknowledging that it’s just their point of view.

Thus we walk around with the “wrongness” of us locked into every cell. Our sensuality feels like wrongness, and even our joy feels like wrongness as if we are supposed to be as sad as everyone else.

When we judge ourselves we have no option but to judge others. That’s because in order to judge anything, whether good or bad, we have to have been there and done it ourselves at some level, even if only in our imagination.

It’s the difference between “What’s that?” (excitement and curiosity) or “Ooh, gross” (judgment).

The habit here is to look for the wrongness of you – it’s one we’ve all been indoctrinated in from day 1. If you’ve not conformed, you are told you are wrong, and so in order to protect yourself, you automatically look for the wrongness in others.

Judgments and limitations stop us seeing the real person in front of us and create barriers between us; they are solid and unmoving. In judging, we buy into points of view that keep us trapped.

We lock definitions of ourselves into our body that we are too young, too old, too stupid, too pink, too blue, too different, but it’s all programming. We can’t receive goodness and kindness when we create these barriers.

The more you eliminate barriers, the more information falls into your consciousness, and awareness of everything increases, which makes life so much more interesting and exciting.

How many definitions have you locked into your body? Be willing to be the inspiration and start to see the beauty that you truly are.

So what’s the solution – more tolerance and acceptance?

A word on tolerance and acceptance: To tolerate someone’s behaviour is in itself judgmental and has an element of superiority about it, as if you are better than them. It is seeing the wrongness of someone and despite that, agreeing to put up with it.

Acceptance is a begrudging of someone and who they are, and neither of these have any heart in them.

So what can you do to turn this round? Are you willing to take a risk of being open to creating something far more dynamic, where you can choose with far greater awareness?

The risk of non-judgment

Choosing to question your judgmental thoughts can feel risky at first. In asking yourself whether your judgment of someone is necessary, you’re calling into question what you believe to be true.

But a risk is a very special opportunity to transform.

We can hold on so tightly to our own beliefs and “stuff” that there is no room for anything else; we get weak if we avoid taking risks and we lose energy.

Trusting someone is a risk, and there may be some disappointment. But you don’t have to give so much importance to disappointment.

The fact that you are alive and reading this means that you are far stronger than you think, and that you can support your mistakes in life.

So when would now be a good time to let go of all these limitations and jump out? It is far better to have 1000 disappointments than not take enough risks.

It’s time to stop creating yourself as the limited being you pretend to be and claim and own the magnificence of who you are.

How to stop judgmental thoughts

So let’s get practical here. Where can you start when it comes to stopping judgmental thoughts for good?

Just saying “I won’t think that any more” probably won’t help. Instead, the trick is to begin to change the script you’re habitually using.

Start by asking yourself more powerful questions. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you ask yourself.

When you ask questions such as “What has to happen to…?” or “Who do I need to become in order to change …?” your life will expand.

Life-contracting questions such as “Why?” produce life-contracting answers.

“Why can’t I find the right person to be with?” will bring out all sorts of negative answers – because you’re too old/too fat/too thin/too young/too intelligent/too stupid/ green/bald/short/tall.

In the same way, asking “Why can’t my boss make a sensible decision?” probably won’t be a fruitful line of questioning for you.

Using “What/ when/where/ who questions instead, encourage the unconscious mind to expand and awaken, to come up with new experiences to guide you into a new way of enjoying your life.

Living in the question is the only way to break free and allows the expression of who you really are and who the other person is.

In turn this creates depth, harmony, excitement, newness, a sense of wonder and awe.

“What has to happen for me to…?”
“How can I help create…”
“Where do I need to focus my attention right now?”
“How can I honor and nurture my body today?

Start looking for the greatness and the possibility, rather than the limitations, in yourself and others.

Living free from judgment

When we’re afraid of being judged, we try and stay invisible and not let others see how amazing we are. Of course, they then do the same.

Take the lid off the box and let yourself out. Give up the sadness and embody the joy.

Dare to let go of all the things you’ve pretended to be – it’s such a relief.

When you are in allowance of who the other person is, it takes away such a large amount of effort. It’s just a point of view – neither right nor wrong.

So if you take away judgment and decision, what is left? There is choice. You can choose moment by moment how you want to live and love.

Be at choice instead of decision.
Be in allowance instead of tolerance and acceptance.
Be in awareness rather than judgment.

It will change your life.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

 

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Guest blog: What to do when they won’t listen to you

By

Oona Alexander

Oona Alexander

Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.
Oona Alexander

Latest posts by Oona Alexander (see all)

Do your children do things when you ask them to? Or, are you like most parents I speak with, frustrated because your children won’t listen or respond when you need them to? If you’d love to know what to do when they won’t listen to you, you’re not alone.

Here’s an example of what I hear regularly:

You ask your child to get ready to leave the house, come off the iPad or stop provoking a sibling. You might repeat yourself a few times with no result, so you get frustrated and start raising your voice.

If there’s still no response – or just a “No, I don’t want to” – things can escalate. You may end up shouting, issuing random punishments or confiscating their favourite things.

Finally, you’re lying awake at night feeling so bad, because the last thing you wanted was to become that mean, shouty parent. You desperately want your family to be peaceful – a place where everyone feels loved.

Is this what you’re experiencing?

What most parents don’t realise about this scenario is that you and your children are in a power struggle. You feel like you have to make them do things, which is utterly draining. Although you win eventually, it feels like a hollow victory, bringing a sense of disconnect between you and the children.

And here’s the bigger picture with power struggles. They make it hard to create the happy, connected family life that I know you want, because they’re exhausting and create ‘us and them’ dynamics, driving parents and children apart.

But here’s the good news.

You can transform this dynamic in a heartbeat, by connecting with your children.

The power of connection when they won’t listen

The reason children ignore us in the first place is because they’re not feeling connected to us or what we’re saying.

So, when they won’t listen, connection is the solution to the problem. The reason it works is because as humans we’re wired to connect – and children even more so. In any given moment your child will be connecting with an activity, a plaything, a screen or a squabble.

If you can provide connection, by helping your child feel seen, heard and loved, they’ll be more willing to let go of what’s in front of them and listen and pay attention to you. Their resistance is lowered and bringing them to do things becomes much easier.

This is true whatever stage of parenting you’re at, whether you’ve got a toddler or a teenager. It can even work with the adults in your life – colleagues, perhaps, or your partner.

And, although it does involve a bit of mindful slowing down, connecting doesn’t need to take long.

How to create connection – fast

Here’s one way you can connect with your child when they won’t listen or they’re zoning you out:

1) Put aside, for a moment, your point of view, letting go of any need to be right. I know this sounds a bit tough, counter-intuitive even, but the rewards are well worth the effort.

2) Step imaginatively into your child’s shoes and see the situation from their point of view. Then express empathy with your child about how they’re feeling about things:

“I bet you’d love to play Lego all day.”
“I hear you. You don’t want to go to school today.”
“Looks like you want to watch until the end of the video.”

When you express empathy like this, your child feels heard and understood – and that vital connection with you is restored.

3) The next step is to invite your child to do what you had in mind.

Connection in practice

Here’s an example of how a mum I worked with used this approach, while she and her family were packing up to go on holiday. She’d asked her seven year old son to clear up the Nerf gun bullets which were all over the living room.

“No!” he said. “Don’t want to!”

Previously this mum would have told her son off, thinking, “This shouldn’t be happening. I can’t have rudeness. He should help with the chores.”

But, having discovered empathy, she saw his resistance in a new light. She understood that it was his way of expressing that he wasn’t getting what he needed: the connection with her.

So she empathised with her son:

“You haven’t had any attention for two whole hours, have you? Daddy and I have been so busy packing up. You probably feel a bit forgotten about.”

Her son beamed at her, which was a sign that he now felt connected. His behaviour confirmed this because he then happily started clearing up the bullets.

In fact, he went on to do an amazing job, pulling out the sofa and putting away some other stuff as well.

That’s the power of empathy.

Empathy brings softness

When we soften and empathise with children’s point of view, children soften in response. Softening means letting go of our need for our children to behave as we want them to, for a moment, and our need to be right – and focussing on how our children might be feeling.

This may feel like a challenge, but, believe me, needing to be right is getting in the way of you having the family life you want. Softening doesn’t mean becoming a pushover. Softening means you prioritise having a connection with your child and making a commitment to them feeling seen, heard and loved.

And I promise you that with this radically loving approach you’ll transform your relationship with your child and make day-to-day family life go much more smoothly.

I hope this blog has inspired you to start using connection and empathy in your family, so you can build stronger relationships with your children and create the relaxed and happy family life you want.

To find out more about my radically loving approach and how to put empathy into practice, click here to download my free guide Solve the Struggle with your Kids.

It shares 6 Wise Parenting Powers to help you raise a secure and happy family.

About Oona

Radical love advocate | Nature freak | Perfectly imperfect mum

Oona AlexanderOona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

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Guest post: How to love yourself first

By

Wendy Harrington

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

I know you will have heard this before, but the most important relationship you have is with yourself. You are the first person you need to fall in love with – otherwise you are expecting someone else to fulfil you, putting a massive burden on them. Today I’m going to share some simple exercises so that you can discover how to love yourself first and foremost.

What’s your self-love score?

Let’s start by establishing where you are right now in terms of your love for yourself.

On a score of 0 – 100 – where 0 means you loathe yourself, feel you are a worthless pile of junk, and 100 means recognising that you are the most magnificent being and there is still more to come – where do you rate yourself right now?

Take a second and jot it down.

This will become the benchmark from which you will see yourself unfold.Whatever it is now, by the time you have finished this article, your score will have dramatically increased.

(If your score is low, do not fret because that means there is lots of lovely untapped potential to play with!)

Now take your score away from 100. So if you score yourself at 35, your new total will be 65.

The fantastic news is that there is 65% of you that you haven’t even begun to uncover yet!

Why does self-love feel hard?

In this society we are often taught to be self-critical, to weigh ourselves against others, and we are always found wanting. We never deem ourselves good enough. But until we can break down the barriers to our own heart, we have insufficient love to be able to share with another.

Unfair though it may sound, you are responsible for your own happiness. Nobody makes you happy or sad – that’s down to how you choose to respond to the circumstances around you.

No doubt you will have heard stories of incredible courage and even joy of people in the depths of human misery, yet deep from within emerges their limitless spirit.

That spirit is in you too.

What relationships with others can teach you about self-love

Intimate relationships present our greatest challenge because it is here that our reactive patterns of behaviour tend to be triggered by the close proximity and interaction with another person.

All our insecurities, self doubts and fears come up to be addressed. Your beliefs, your values, your rules, and your behaviour get challenged by someone else’s ideas about life and come up to conscious awareness, ready to be healed if you allow them to be.

This is often our greatest opportunity to make changes in our life, and causes us to look deep inside ourselves to find out what it is we really think, feel, believe and desire.

It is also our greatest opportunity to go beyond what we know, beyond what we feel we can give and beyond how we feel we can love. It stretches our limits and gives us the chance to expand and become more.

It is where our vulnerabilities are on display, where we can make the decision to let go of control and learn to trust, and be open to receiving the love of another.

How to learn to love yourself

So how can we learn to love ourselves first when we’ve been taught since childhood to put ourselves last, to view others as being better than ourselves? When we continually find fault with ourselves, why would anyone else not find those faults in us too?

Understand that you are a limitless being with the whole of the history of the Universe inside you. You are unique. We are all unique. You are an amazing creation – the chances of you being born are zillions to one – and the chances of being on this planet are zillions to one.

You are an extraordinary creature – a miracle of life, and when you start to see yourself and view your life as a miracle you will start to appreciate others as a miracle too, so you won’t get so caught up with the humdrum and the nastiness which is so prevalent in society these days.

When we let go of feeling inferior, we are amazing.

Grab a piece of paper and jot down the answers to the following questions as they come to you – you don’t have to share this with anyone else.

1. What do you love about yourself?

There are always things to love about yourself, even if it’s your nose or your feet, the way you tenderly care for animals, your smile, your touch, your ability to sing, your talents.

Come up with at least 10 things, and preferably 100, and please write them down so you can look at them on those occasional days when things may not be going according to plan.

2. What is your most valuable treasure?

  • Is it your vision?
  • Your talents?
  • Your love?
  • Your sense of humor?
  • Your ability to be flexible?
  • Compassion, creativity?

What would you be prepared to let go of – old limitations, old behaviours, limiting beliefs, continually telling your bad experiences to anyone who will listen…

You see, there’s part of you that you don’t know yet.

To find the amazingness of you, you have to go to places you’ve not yet been. Give yourself permission to be open, trusting and allow the process to happen. Allow love to pour through you as you uncover more of who you are – love is unlimited and boundless.

What we are still searching for is that feeling of being unconditionally loved, and being held and caressed and touched. This is why it is so important that we create that feeling for ourselves first by being kind to ourselves, loving our body and treating ourselves well.

Treat yourself well by understanding that who you choose to spend time with will affect your values, your language, your happiness, your health and even your earnings. Learn to love yourself by enjoying and appreciating your body – notice how you talk to yourself and what you put in your body.

Do you feed yourself with nourishing foods and drinks, and do you give it the exercise it enjoys?

When you learn to treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend, your body will respond beautifully.

4. What can you do for you that makes you feel really good inside?

Write down 3 ideas you could do this week – it might be as simple as wearing a favourite outfit, or taking 5 minutes to go for a walk somewhere beautiful.

5. Now write a vision of how you would like life to be as if it has already happened.

When you read this every day, your unconscious mind will take it on as a new program, so the new way of enjoying your life will be installed and overwrite old unhelpful beliefs. This works, it really works!

What’s changed?

Having completed those exercises, score yourself again as to how you feel about yourself, and see how much you’ve grown from how you scored at the beginning of this exercise.

When we accept ourselves fully, we stop being needy – it doesn’t mean we don’t need someone else in our life, just that we don’t expect them to do it all for us, as we don’t base our self-esteem on other peoples’ opinions.

If you learn to admire and honor and respect who you are, (the good, the bad and the ugly) it doesn’t mean you’re big-headed but that you honor and appreciate yourself and desire to be the best you can be.

When you continually enhance this special relationship with yourself, you will find your levels of happiness increasing more and more, and then you have more to bring to the world.

Would you like some extra support to reconnect to yourself?

If you’d like to talk about some extra support when it comes to relationships – with yourself or others – or find out details of our BeLove retreat where we look at these topics in more detail, we’d be happy to chat. Click here to book in a free, no-strings call with one of our friendly team and find out how we can help you find fulfillment in your relationships.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

 

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Guest post: What to do when emotions take over

By

Thea Jolly

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many
Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.
Thea Jolly

Latest posts by Thea Jolly (see all)

This article is by Thea Jolly, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and BePowerful Programmes.

Last week, things suddenly spiralled out of control. It happened as I was explaining to my son that he couldn’t play on the xBox because of his behaviour the night before. It can be so hard when emotions take over. You’ve probably experienced it yourself at some point – whether at work, when talking to your partner, or as a parent – can you relate?

I could feel it happening but I wasn’t able to stop it.

My emotions suddenly jumped into crazy ninja warrior mode.

They took over the words that come out of my mouth and added that tone of voice that we all recognise: the I-can’t-take-this-anymore, the-world-is-going-to-end, how-can-you-do-this-to-me, overwhelmed and exasperated mother.

I knew that this mental and emotional hijack usually spells doom for any conversation, but I couldn’t force myself to walk away.

Proceedings went downhill rapidly, and after I stormed off (I know!) all I could think was:

Why can’t I control myself and my emotions?

Why can’t I manage to say the right thing?

What could I have done differently?

What should I have done?

How could I have left my love and compassion locked up inside of me when my son and I needed them the most?

All I could feel was deep despair and disgust at myself for acting so emotionally.

But why?

When emotions take over, why are we so hard on ourselves?

Feeling strong emotions is just a normal human reaction, after all. Sometimes we just lose our sh*t.

And that’s OK.

How we recover from that is the most important thing.

Yes, we can look after ourselves, get enough sleep, set effective boundaries, learn to manage our thoughts and emotions better, all the things we learn to do at One of many, but even so, there will still be occasions when we lose control and let it all out!

I admit, it’s not pretty, but hardly reason for such self-hatred.

Learning to handle emotions, even strong ones, requires us to develop our emotional resilience.

Emotional resilience is not about bad stuff never happening to you.

It also doesn’t mean you never feel bad, make mistakes or lose your temper.

It’s about riding the ups and downs of life with more optimism, equanimity and compassion.

Instead of beating yourself up for being human, here are three ways to increase your emotional resilience.

3 ways to increase your Emotional Resilience

1. Choose to adopt an optimistic explanatory style.

Many of us get into trouble because we tend to react to every thought and emotion as if it were the only truth; that this situation or emotion is going to last forever and that it will affect every single part of our lives. We think in terms of things being very personal, all-pervasive and permanent.

As psychologist Martin Seligman explains, this “explanatory style” is linked to learned helplessness, the very opposite of optimism. Our explanatory style – how we explain our experience – makes a big difference to how we interpret and cope with events, feel about our life, and therefore how resilient and happy we are.

How do you speak to yourself after making a mistake?

“I wasn’t paying enough attention today. It didn’t help that I have so much on at the moment. I can do better tomorrow. It doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person.”

Or do you say something like:

“That was so stupid! I always mess up! I’ll never learn. Everything in my life is going wrong.”

When we get overwhelmed by emotions we can easily fall into a state of helplessness. We react not from a place of power but as a victim, buffeted about in the wind.

So instead of letting your inner critic in with its personal, pervasive and permanent statements of ‘truth’ choose an optimistic style instead.

  • Don’t take things so personally. Instead of blaming yourself for something, acknowledge the part played by other people, your energy levels, luck, or circumstances.
  • Don’t allow one event or mistake to contaminate the rest of your life. Just because you burnt the dinner doesn’t mean you are rubbish at everything in your life.
  • Don’t get fixated with how it is now. Remember few things are permanent. Yes, you failed your driving test, but that doesn’t mean you’ll never pass it in the future.

2. Practice viewing life with equanimity.

The Mirriam-Webster Dictionary gives the following description of equanimity.

“Equanimity” ….. means “with even mind.” English speakers began using “equanimity” early in the 17th century with the now obsolete sense “fairness or justness of judgment”

I like this description because it explains the core of resilience – that to be resilient we need to have an ‘even mind’. Or in other words, we need to treat everything that happens to us and in our life equally, with fairness and good judgement.

After an emotional episode like I had last week do you ever think, only a few hours later: “Wow? What was all that about? It’s wasn’t even that bad.”

Our emotions don’t last forever. And actually, if we let them, they pass quite quickly. When we allow them to, our bodies and minds come back to their equilibrium naturally.

Learning to distance yourself from your emotions – and treat them with an even mind – in the moment is really important.

To help you do this try my Resilience Script:

1. Notice the feeling and label it: “I’m noticing that I’m feeling …. angry/hurt/rejected etc.

2. Accept, validate or soothe yourself (while taking deep breaths to calm your body): “…and that’s OK. I’m human and this is normal”. “I’m just being triggered by something and my Inner Critic trying to protect me.” “It’s OK, this is just an emotion/thought. It will pass”

3. Choose how you want to think and behave instead: “I’m going to walk away and respond when I’m calm’” or “How can I keep myself calm here?” or “Which Powertype would be useful here?” or “How can I be curious here and allow the emotions to pass?”.

But sometimes, as happened in my experience last week, I noticed I was angry and I couldn’t use the resilience script. I often use it and it works well, but last week it didn’t.

So, what do we do then?

3. Stop Judging Yourself

Just because you feel bad doesn’t mean there is anything ‘wrong’.

Last week I felt like my emotions were all wrong. I told myself that I should have done so many things to stop this happening, or to get out of the feelings faster.

But really, my biggest mistake was to judge myself so harshly, which such high expectations of robot-like consistency. Instead, I could have been more even-minded and compassionate to myself.

How I reacted to what happened was neither right or wrong – it was a normal human reaction.

What happened also had no implications for my worth as a person, wife or mother. Emotions are simply feedback.

We have a sign in our kitchen that says: “Love me when I least deserve it because that is when I need it most.”

Applying this to ourselves is really hard, because we live in a culture which punishes people harshly and shames them when they do things ‘wrong’ and make mistakes.

But in reality when we are struggling with our own imperfections and vulnerability, judging ourselves harshly for these human traits is the worst thing we can do. It is like added fuel to an already raging fire.

Instead we need to recognise what is happening and be our own protector. We need to wrap ourselves up and look after ourselves. Then we need to reach out and speak to others. Using words, music, nourishing things, we can reconnect with our equilibrium and our equanimity.

Sometimes this takes longer than others, and that’s OK.

My son said to me later, when we’d apologised and had a cuddle: “Let’s put that all behind us, Mum.” Wise words from a wise soul. We could all take a leaf out of his book.

Thea Jolly is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Thea, click here. Or for a taste of her work, take the free Are You A Perfectionist quiz by clicking here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What Michelle Obama has to say about the power of community

By

Wendy Harrington

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

It was as the First Lady of the United States that we first came to know Michelle Obama. But since leaving the White House she’s stepped seemingly effortlessly into a role that arguably eclipses her husband’s in terms of influence and inspiration.

As a mother, a leader and an advocate for women’s power (not to mention a sought-after speaker and best selling author), she’s managed to retain a genuine air of relatability.

I’m sure I’m one of many women who could totally imagine grabbing a coffee (or a cocktail!) with Michelle, instinctively feeling that sense of closeness that only comes from deep authenticity and openness.

It’s a rare quality in a public figure and one that speaks of remarkable inner strength. And as I read back over some of her best-known quotes, it’s easy to see why. So many of the Soft Power principles we live by here at One of many have been powerfully articulated by Michelle over the years. Here’s a roundup of just a few.

On the importance of taking care of yourself

In her interviews and conversations, Michelle’s repeatedly been an advocate for taking care of ourselves as women. Around here, we know it as “Soft Power Principle Number One”: First, replenish yourself.

It might sound obvious – if you’re hungry, you eat. If you’re tired, you sleep… Right? Only, as any woman who’s pushed through overwhelm, exhaustion or fed-up-ness knows – it’s surprising how long you can keep going past your own natural limits, when you feel you have no choice.

As mothers, as leaders and as team members we know that even when we’re mentally and physically depleted, somehow we can keep going. But that doesn’t mean we should. In Michelle’s words,

“Women in particular need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we’re scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don’t have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to do’ list.”

I love how Michelle frames self-care not only as a matter of doing what’s right for ourselves, but as a model for the next generation.

Our actions matter when it comes to the example we set to the women looking up to us.

How can we show them how we expect them to be treated in the world? Leaving the office on time, so that junior colleagues see that holding power responsibly doesn’t entail burning the candle at both ends? Or letting the young people in your life – nieces, baristas, the student intern – see that you’re not afraid to show up as you are, and ask for what you need?

For Michelle, part of her leadership is showing her daughters how important it is to make time for herself.

“When I get up and work out, I’m working out just as much for my girls as I am for me, because I want them to see a mother who loves them dearly, who invests in them, but who also invests in herself.

It’s just as much about letting them know as young women that it is okay to put yourself a little higher on your priority list.”

Whether it’s taking responsibility for our finances; creating equal partnerships with our spouses, or standing up for the causes we believe in, we’re not only doing it for us but also acting as leaders to the women growing up in the world we’re creating. I don’t know about you but for me that’s a real motivator when it comes to prioritizing my needs.

We can’t do it alone

So it’s important to take time for ourselves, and to remember that we’re always modelling choices for those around us to. But what happens when things get hard? When perhaps the thought of being an “example” to others can feel like pressure we just don’t need.

Here’s another thread where I find our work hugely aligned with Michelle’s – connection with other women. In her words,

“Sometimes we can’t do this alone, and we shouldn’t have to.”

Our community of women is one of the most powerful I’ve ever experienced – when it comes to work, life, or relationships, I never fail to be astonished by the depth of the friendships and support I see at our retreats, at the One Woman Conference, and in our online community.

For some of us, it’s the first time we’ve experienced true connection with other women – who we can rely on to tell us the truth, share their highs and their lows, and stand with us as we grow.

On the days when I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water I can hugely relate to how highly Michelle speaks of her own inner circle of women.

“I relied on my girlfriends to get me through one of the hardest eight years of my life. … We have to remember to be that for each other.

We have to be each other’s light. We cannot get into that catty stuff. We have to find a way to continue to lift other women up in our worlds and in our lives as much as possible.”

Lifting other women up. It’s a phrase that sums up so beautifully the power of our community and the truth that we’ll all rise higher when we do it together.

If you’d love to experience it for yourself, click here to join us and find out more. We all need each other if we’re going to create the world we want to live in.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest post: What to do if self-love is hard

By

Emily Jacob

Emily Jacob is a coach certified by the ICF, and a Master NLP Practitioner. She is an author, speaker, and founder of ReConnected Life, helping women to go from living a half-life, one day at a time, and living their full, whole lives again.

Through ReConnected Life, Emily helps women all over the world in her supportive community, and through her online programmes and individual coaching. Her Taste of Recovery programme has been licenced by RSVP, and is helping to support survivors whilst they wait for counselling resource.

Emily is a graduate of Lead the Change, and a One of many certified coach.

Latest posts by Emily Jacob (see all)

Does the idea of loving yourself feel confusing, challenging, dangerous – or even impossible?

Today I want to share what to do if self-love is hard, and give you some practical steps you can take to start to reconnect to yourself.

For many of us, accessing our inner Lover PowerType can feel like a real challenge.

Maybe your parents were filled with their own self-loathing and couldn’t model what self-care or self-love looked like.

Maybe you were bullied by others as a child and internalised the idea that you were the failure they said you were.

Maybe it was something worse, that left deep scars.

Or maybe you’re stuck in Martyr, and loving yourself, or taking care of yourself, feels indulgent when there is so much to do, and other people to take care of.

Whatever the reason, we can feel so much resistance to letting go of the learned self-loathing – and we don’t feel we deserve to feel better anyway.

The secret is, the self-loathing patterns that we are holding onto so tightly were built for a reason: protection.

And so to start the journey of letting go, and letting in love, we have to learn to trust that we are no longer in need of that protection. The good news is that there are some steps we can take that will help to build that trust and open up to letting in self-love.

Step One: Prioritise Yourself

The first step is to acknowledge that you are resistant to prioritising yourself and your needs, and that you would like to change this. This might seem obvious, and yet it is one of the hardest things to do. For someone who has a lifetime, decades often, of an armour that has built tight around themselves, an armour that was built for survival, the concept of unlocking that armour is terrifying.

You will probably have hidden the existence of this armour of self-hatred in a cloak of self-deprecating humour; or in being brash and curt, perhaps angry, attacking first; or being the quiet one in the corner, always smiling, always agreeable. It might be so much a part of you that you don’t notice it anymore; except the idea of prioritising yourself feels wrong.

Say out loud: I want to be able to prioritise my needs (whisper it, you’ll be starting to put yourself first already).

Step Two: Build Your Self-Care Rituals

By explicitly acknowledging to yourself that you want to change, you will have put your amygdala on high alert. Change is uncomfortable, and change that requires letting go of that which we believe has protected us from further harm feels dangerous. Therefore, step two is about calming the parasympathetic nervous system, and reducing the alarm bells that are ringing loud.

There are many, many ways to do this, and you will find what works best for you by experimenting with different methods.

You may already have developed your go-to soothers for those times you’ve felt under attack in the past; this step avoids those which indulge your self-loathing (eg. eating or drinking to excess, cutting, over-working or exercising) and instead emphasises those that start to build self-care.

Here are some ideas:
• Long, soapy baths – maybe add some Epsom salts, or essential oils and candlelight
• Meditation
• Yoga, or other body calming exercise (if you have a history of trauma, be careful with exercises that focus on the pelvic area)
• Getting out in nature
• Doing some craft work, or art

And the simplest is breathing, deep and long, connecting into all of your five senses, grounding yourself into the Now.

You may want to stay within this step for a while, until your self-care muscle is sufficiently strong, so that you know you can self-rescue if you ever need (whisper it, you’ll be starting to trust yourself).

Step Three: Begin to Heal Yourself

It’s a myth that once broken we will forever be broken. That is simply not true, although it is a very powerful myth that can keep us trapped in Victim and unable to access Lover for a very long time.

When we start to explore inside ourselves with curiosity and no judgement (tip, practicing meditation in step two will help tremendously with this), we start to see clearly that what happened in the past to trap us in the self-loathing armour was not our fault.

You were not to blame

The process of this exploration will be different for us all, and for some it might involve accessing the support of a counsellor or coach. Or, you might choose to work on your healing yourself.

Regardless of how we process the unravellings of the layers of armour, peeling layer after layer, we must recognise that this can mimic the trauma, and so feel traumatic and re-traumatising: it is not then that caused the hurt; it is now that is processing the hurt and enabling the hurt to be let go. (This is why we practice step two for as long as it takes to develop trust for self-rescue and don’t dive straight into healing).

If you are working on healing yourself, journaling is a super-simple practice that I recommend to my clients that you can do for yourself.

In the One of many world you might have heard of Morning Pages; this comes from Julia Cameron’s seminal work, ‘The Artist’s Way’, and is a way of connecting with the unconscious to re-engage the creative spirit.

Journaling, or writing down your thoughts and feelings about the things that are hurting you, bothering you, or causing triggers for you, has been proven to help heal.

Dr James Pennebaker at the University of Texas demonstrated that just writing for thirty minutes about something that was causing shame could have positive health benefits even six months later.

‘Opening Up by Writing it Down’, written by Dr Pennebaker with Dr Joshua Smyth has many exercises and examples to help guide you through this process.

You’ll find that regularly accessing your Mother PowerType to soothe your inner hurt part will also be of great value to you in your healing journey (whisper it, your healing has already started).

Step Four: Grieve For The Lost You

Oftentimes I observe that people are still holding onto the hurt of having lost the person they were before: the refrain of never being the same again is one I hear a lot. Yet, to enable us to love ourselves, as we are now, we have to let go of the person who we were.

We can honour that version of us who was hurt, acknowledge we loved them, and grieve for them. It is when we have grieved, that we are able to move on with our lives, loving ourselves fully.

When you have grieved the version of you that was hurt, and grieved the things you missed out on because of the hurt, grieved the different version of you that was lost, and the loss of all the versions of you that you might never now be, then you are really honouring all of who you are (whisper it, you are loving you).

Step Five: Love

Once you have moved through the grieving process, you’ll find that you are naturally embracing the whole you, the you that you love and accept, unconditionally. You have found self-love, and now you can Be Love.

PS. The myth that you can’t be loved until you love yourself is entirely false. Loving oneself feels out of reach to so many people; and yet, many, many people who don’t love themselves entirely do find love, and are very happily partnered. Don’t buy into the myths that exist to make us feel less than.

About Emily Jacob

Emily JacobsThe survivor coach, living her ReConnected Life.

Emily Jacob is a coach certified by the ICF, and a Master NLP Practitioner. She is an author, speaker, and founder of ReConnected Life, helping women to go from living a half-life, one day at a time, and living their full, whole lives again.

After overcoming PTSD, she still did not feel ‘whole’ and could not trust that she would not fall into the abyss again. Whilst learning the tools and techniques involved in neuro-linguistic programming she started to understand how to rebuild herself; and through her lightbulb moment of the critical importance of the mind-body connection, Emily knew she had found her formula for living whole after rape.

Through ReConnected Life Emily helps women all over the world in her supportive community, and through her online programmes and individual coaching. Her Taste of Recovery programme has been licenced by RSVP, and is helping to support survivors whilst they wait for counselling resource.

Emily is a graduate of Lead the Change, and a One of many certified coach. To find out more about the work Emily does, visit her site ReConnected Life, or book a no-obligation discovery call by clicking here.