One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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I love my kids, so why do I shout at them?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It’s something every parent has surely found themselves wondering from time to time: I love my kids, so why do I shout at them?

If you don’t have children, there’s probably another example you can think of.

You adore your partner – so what was with those sarcastic words that came out of your mouth when they asked an innocent question about your plans a few weeks ago?

Or maybe you find yourself responding with surly monosyllables in conversation with your Dad one Sunday afternoon. Are you forty, or fourteen right now?

I’m sure you can think of an example from your own life where you found yourself lashing out at someone you know you care very deeply about. It can be so frustrating. You know you’re a capable, confident woman deep down. So where on earth does she disappear to at these times, and what can you do to get her to return?

You’re not alone

First things first, you are most definitely not alone. Sit down for a glass of wine with any mother and she’ll probably confess to moments when she really wasn’t proud of the example she was setting to her kids.

Sit down with a glass of wine with me, and I’ll confess to moments of the same.

We all have times when we slip into a mode that’s not really who we are, or who we want to be…

One client I talked to at one of our retreats told me abut a recent time when she’d totally lost it with her husband. “I was cruel and mean,” she told me, thinking back to the way she’d lashed out at him. “And it wasn’t even over anything big.”

At One of manywe refer to these unhelpful responses as coming from disempowering archetypes, and there’s three that most of us identify with at one time or another.

3 ways we lose it with our loved ones

1. There’s the Bitch – cutting, maybe even sarcastic, and always unkind, she’s the sharp tongue that snaps at your kids when they’re taking far too long to get ready; the tone that has your partner running for cover, or the look that makes your colleagues wish the floor would swallow them up.

2. The Victim is that stroppy teenager part of you – the girl who just thinks life is so unfair, but that there’s absolutely nothing she can do about it. In victim mode, we throw up our hands and declare that everything’s out of our control. It’s all other people’s fault, and you might as well just curl up in a ball and give up. Nothing you can do could possibly make a difference anyway, right?

3. The final sister in our trio of despondency is the Martyr. Her signature is to pile up her plate with task after task, responsibility after responsibility, sacrificing her own wellbeing for everyone else – and simmering with resentment about it. She’s the last one to leave the office and the first to volunteer for an extra duty, with a big sigh to make sure everyone knows how hard she’s working.

Breaking free of the disempowering archetypes

Crowning all 3 of these is the archetype we call Superwoman. She’s the woman trying to juggle everything: her home, her relationship, her work, her self-expression… doing it all, by herself, with no one else’s help. She simply doesn’t have a stop button.

Superwoman runs on pure adrenaline, most of the time, and it’s no surprise that when we push ourselves to be in superwoman mode for most (or all!) of the time, we can find ourselves heading for exhaustion, sickness or burnout.

What’s going on?

Knowing these archetypes is a really great way of starting to be able to get to a more resourceful place – one where you can actually begin to anticipate times when things are going to get tough, and maybe even change your behavior ahead of time.

In our BePowerful program we use an exercise called “trigger tracking” to begin to notice exactly when we tend to move into the archetypes that least serve us.

For my client who’d shouted at her husband, she identified quickly that she was moving into”bitch” mode. And the trigger was nothing to do with her husband – it was a looming work deadline that sent her into a tailspin of stress that was directed at her nearest and dearest.

What you can do

So if you find yourself yelling at your kids, it’s likely that you’re moving into one of these disempowering archetypes – and that might well be because Superwoman is showing up in your life.

Here’s how to gently retire these ladies from your day-to-day life.

1. Forgive yourself

When you’ve shouted at your children or said something unkind, it’s easy to let that drag you into self-recrimination: “I shouldn’t have said that”… “I’m a horrible person”.

Start by forgiving yourself. We all have off days; we’ve all said things we wished we could take back from time to time. Apologise to the person you snapped at, if that’s appropriate, and then move on. This is a prompt for you to take a closer look at yourself and see if you can change the pattern.

2. Notice what happened

Get curious about what it is that flared up, and what happened just before it to prompt it. Was it, like my client, a reminder of a pressing work deadline that had you worrying you might fail – a touch of “imposter syndrome”? Or did your partner inadvertently remind you of an insecurity about feeling accepted?

Kids can be great at pushing our buttons, completely without meaning to – and with no idea of the reaction they’re going to get.

Identifying your “triggers” isn’t about going into victim mode or blaming others for setting us off. But it can help you give those closest to you clues about times you’re likely to feel tense, and give you a heads up that it might be time to prepare for stress to come up.

3. Take care of yourself first

The bottom line when temper flares is that your needs aren’t being met in some way. Perhaps you’re run down and exhausted, and you just need a rest. (If you’re completely overwhelmed, our overwhelm first aid kit might be just the thing).

Or there might be some historical emotional patterns that are asking for your attention. Working with a coach or through a program like BePowerful is a really gentle, supportive way to take a look at any area where you know you’re not feeling at your best, and learn new strategies to make changes.

How about you?

Do you know you have a tendency to flare up at certain points? What are the triggers for you, and how do you work through them – letting the people in your life know when you have a pressing deadline, perhaps, or giving yourself an extra time buffer in between appointments so you (and the kids) can decompress? Share what works for you in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

 

 

 

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How to stop feeling guilty

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

All of us feel guilt at some time or another. But if you think that guilt’s a purely negative thing that you ought to be avoiding at all costs, pause. I believe that guilt can actually be an incredibly useful emotion, and if we learn what it’s trying to tell us we can absolutely learn how to stop feeling guilty, as well.

As a mother, it feels that guilt is almost something that’s inbuilt into my life – so you’ll have to excuse me if this blog is a bit mum-centric as I share my personal experience. Because guilt’s absolutely not a feeling that’s limited to mothers.

Whether it’s an awareness of our impact on the environment, the amount of time we spend with our partners, our choices about what we eat or how we behave, there are plenty of things to potentially feel guilty about in the modern world.

So how on earth can this actually be something that’s helpful to us?

Guilt: a personal story

When my first child, James, was born, I was fortunate to be able to take a big chunk of time off. So the classic “Mum guilt” didn’t have such an impact on me. But when our second child, Rosie, came along, that all changed.

As our vision has evolved over the past few years, I’ve fallen more and more deeply in love with this work and our amazing community. More than just a job, this is my soul calling – my true purpose in the world. So when Rosie was born I knew one thing to be true: I didn’t want to stop working with One of many just at the point where it felt our mission was really gathering momentum.

That means my work has grown alongside my family. Rosie’s been coming along with me to events since she was 5 weeks old. Of course, I made some changes to accommodate my needs as a new mum, but halting my contribution to the team completely just wouldn’t have felt right.

And there you have it, the perfect recipe for guilt: two children for whom I am the sun, moon and stars, and a business that I’m absolutely clear is my soul purpose.

James is old enough now to be able to ask me outright: “Why do you have to go to work today – why can’t you pick me up from school?” Cue the guilt!

Don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am. For so many mums, doing the school pickup is never an option, let alone being able to work from home and spend time together during holidays and breaks.

And then there are mums like our team’s amazing Wendy, who almost lost her life after the birth of her third child. Seriously ill, it just wasn’t possible for her to be there in the way she wanted to for her newborn baby – and yet the guilt was still there!

Whether you’re a mum or not, I don’t think guilt is something any of us can escape from experiencing, but it’s really important we pay attention to it: and here’s why.

Why guilt can be so destructive

If we find ourselves doing guilt a lot, it’s often because we’ve slipped into the disempowering archetype of the Martyr. This is often associated with the role of mother, whether or not or you have children. If that sounds confusing – being a Mother when you don’t have kids? – let me explain.

In our Women’s PowerTypes™ tool, Mother is one of the powerful roles that all of us women can choose to step into. Along with Warrioress, Queen, Sorceress and Lover, it’s a PowerType we can draw on from time to time.

Regardless of whether or not you have children of your own, Mother is our nurturing, compassionate, deeply loving side that sees the best in everyone and is always there to offer comfort and support.

It’s also an aspect that, when over-expressed, can slip into feeling guilty, and ultimately become the Martyr, endlessly exhausting herself in the service of others.

When guilt become destructive

It can be tempting to try and fight feelings of guilt with more action. To take another example, perhaps you feel guilty about not spending enough time with your friends – and book in drinks on an evening when you’ve already done a full day of work, made dinner and done all the evening chores at home. You meet your friend feeling tired, ratty, and utterly uninterested in hearing the latest saga in her ongoing feud with a colleague.

That’s when guilt can lead to resentment, and start to become really destructive in our relationships. We start telling ourselves that everyone else gets attention before we do, and forget the importance of really giving to ourselves.

So why do we feel guilt?

If we can’t get rid of guilt by doing more, what’s the solution?

The whole issue of guilt starts to make a lot more sense when we get to the bottom of the real reason we feel guilty.

Guilt is an emotion that prompts us to take a look at whether we’re really living according to our values.

So, when you feel it, the important thing to do is to stop. If you know what your values are, you can do a quick check in – are you living in alignment with them right now? If the answer’s yes, you know you can let go of that guilt.

For me, I know that self-expression is a really high value for me. Contributing through my work is the impact I am here on this planet to make, and so I’m able to recognize that, although my instincts as a mother create feelings of guilt from time to time, they’re not something I need to hold on to.

How to let go of guilt

If you’re clear you’re living up to your values, and yet you’re still finding it really hard to release any guilty feelings that come up, it might be a sign that you’re hanging on to an emotion from the past that it’s time to let go of.

That might even include guilt you’ve inherited from someone else. If your own mother felt a lot of guilt, you might have been brought up hearing things like “it’s selfish to think about yourself”.

In our members area we have free resources to help you release emotions, including guilt, which might be holding you back. You can click here to join our community and get access to all of them, including a free audio recording all about emotions and how to manage them.

Guilt and you

Guilt’s such a common emotion that it’s really important we gain the understanding we need of why it occurs and what we can do to shift it.

Whether it’s taking the time to look after yourself – so your Mother doesn’t slip into Martyr – or dealing with residual emotions that are no longer serving you, addressing guilt is a powerful way to create change in your life.

And the effect on those around you, if guilt is something that’s been a big presence in your life, can be immense.

How about you? Does guilt play a big part in your life, or is it something you’re pretty confident you know how to handle? Share your experience in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to avoid money arguments

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

“I just can’t talk to you about this any more!” Never mind going into another room. I was on the other side of the suburb before I’d calmed down, after yet another blow up with my husband about our finances. If you’re wondering how to avoid money arguments, here’s how we learned to get past the conflict and into alignment when it comes to the money stuff.

I can still remember so vividly how it felt, that particular day. I was hurt, frustrated, and confused. I even wondered if this meant the end of our relationship.

What was most maddening was that for the most part we agreed about money. We knew we had aligned long-term goals and our thoughts about money in general were pretty similar. I knew that something had to change.

Finding a way through the financial storms

Years later, my husband and I are working in our third business together, having navigated big financial hurdles like becoming parents, moving countries, and buying property.

These days, I’m pleased to report that our money conversations always end with us both in the same room – even if we’re not always on the same page. So I wanted to share the things I’ve learned that have made all the difference in our interactions on the topic.

Whether it’s your boss, mum, best friend or partner, here’s how to have productive, effective conversations about money.

5 keys to helping you avoid money arguments

1. Be aware and gentle

For many of us, money is an area of emotional or psychological wounding. Questions of how much we earn or what’s left over at the end of the month recall unconscious judgments in our minds about all kinds of things. This is really normal – almost all of us get tripped up by this from time to time.

What that means is that money conversations start to feel really personal. Statements the other person makes can easily feel like criticism, for example, even if they weren’t intended that way.

The first step then, is to be aware that this is likely to be true. If money comes up, know that this might become a tricky conversation and check in with yourself – is now the time to talk about this? Are you already feeling tender or tense?

Put it into action:
  • Understand that money can be a source of tension
  • Prepare for conversations about money ahead of time
  • Recognise that money talk can feel like it’s personal, even when it’s not intended that way

2. Know what’s yours

Aside from the numbers, it’s vital to know what’s yours on an emotional level. What do I mean by that? Well, a lot of the conflict that arises about money can actually come from within us. For example…

They say: “I think we should have a chat about setting up a joint account for shared bills”

You hear: “You’re terrible with money – I can’t trust you to handle your finances on your own”

You say: “Stop trying to control everything!”

Or…

They say: “How much did you say that retreat was going to cost?”

You hear: “You’re spending too much on extravagant things that don’t matter”

You say: “It’s up to me what I spend my money on – I don’t criticise you for the crap you waste your pay on!”

Hmm… it’s not hard to see how arguments flare up, right?

Becoming aware of the stuff money conversations bring up for us can open up awareness of deeper things that need healing, for example an area you feel especially defensive about, or a particular person whose criticism had a big effect on you in the past.

What’s important is that, when you are aware of these issues, you take responsibility for changing them. What’s yours to deal with? What do you need support from a coach or mentor around?

And remember, the other person might not be on this journey with you. It’s not your job to point out their limiting beliefs or identify what they need to work on. Approach the conversation with compassion, and deal with what’s yours – no more.

Put it into action:
  • Discern what issues you need to deal with when it comes to money
  • Seek external support where you need to – from a coach, financial expert, or trusted friend
  • Recognise what’s not your responsibility, and let it go

3. Choose your timing

Remember, our first step was being aware that conversations about money can be tender. Knowing that, it’s smart to have them at the right time.

That could include being aware of your cycle, for example. Now, before you think I’m some monster who thinks women are incapable of rational thought, hear me out.

In my own life I know that 7 days before my period comes, I could swear that the world is ending and there’s nothing you, I, or anyone else can do about it. That can actually be an incredibly powerful day for me – I sure as hell get clear on the change I want to make in the world – but it’s also a terrible day for me to have a conversation with anyone.

Knowing that, if I’m aware I need to have an important conversation about something like money I’ll do my best to shift it to a day when I’m likely to be feeling much clearer.

That won’t be the same for everyone, of course, but I wonder if any of that applies to you? Do you know you’re better able to be open, compassionate or empathetic at certain times of the month? Bear that in mind when you make an appointment to discuss your finances.

And make sure you take the other person’s needs into account too – allow them to tell you when would suit them, instead of springing it on them at a time when they’re not really ready.

Put it into action:
  • Choose a time when you’re both fed, rested and hydrated
  • Find a space where you won’t be disturbed or interrupted
  • Take into account your own rhythm and emotional needs

4. Be respectful in your communication

Sticking to some basic principles of clear and respectful communication is so important when the topic is an emotional one. Always seek to hear the other person out without interruption. You don’t want to be nagged, so don’t nag either.

And make an effort to find things to celebrate together – focus on what’s working, as well as what you want to change.

Put it into action:
  • Be respectful – don’t interrupt or nag
  • Notice when it’s time to take a break
  • Listen curiously and give space for the other person to say what they need to

5. Be clear about what you’re looking for

Now that you’ve chosen the best possible time and place, and you’re aware of what’s your responsibility, it’s time to communicate as clearly as possible what you want to share.

For the best possible outcome, try and recognise what’s driving both of you in the conversation. One of you might be more interested in feeling connected and loved, or seeking reassurance, and one of you might be looking for problems and tasks to solve.

What’s vital is that you’re clear about what it is you’re both looking for.

Put it into action:
  • Start by giving the point of the conversation for you – not the big long story that precedes it
  • Ask for what you need; leave them to decide the “how” of solving it, if that’s something they’re keen to do
  • Allow yourself to be receptive – if they agree with what you’re saying, there’s no need to keep on convincing them

Not being able to talk about money holds us back

It’s really important that we are able to move into more powerful conversations. In all the women I’ve coached and connected with over the years, I’ve noticed that the people who are most comfortable talking about finances tend to be the ones with the highest level of wealth.

In fact, I’d go as far as to say that your net worth increases in direct relation to your ability to talk to key people in your life about money.

How about you?

These steps have played a huge part in Greg and I sorting out our differences and getting to a stage where we can actually enjoy money conversations. Has money been a source of tension for you, and do you have an experience to share? Let us know in the comments.

If money is a problem for you – not just in conversations but also in terms of what you have or haven’t got – and you’re ready to get sorted so you can talk about it confidently, join us for Wealth Insights. If money feels like a challenge, this seminar will turn it into an ally – so that you can feel truly powerful about where you are and what your next steps are.

Click here to join the waiting list and be the first to get access to tickets when we open registration.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When you feel like you have nothing left to give, do this…

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

We all know that woman who is everyone’s saviour… or everyone’s doormat… depending on how you look at it.

Maybe she’s you.

She’s the one who is always there to listen to anyone with a problem. The one that you call at the last minute to babysit, the one who’s always there to co-host the webinar, the one that will whip up two dozen cupcakes for every school bake sale.

Sometimes she’s the one that stays in a situation that even she admits is no good for her, or the one that is waiting for that magical ‘one day’ when other people are going to realise everything she’s done for them and finally start paying her back. Most often, she’s the one that’s gradually sinking under a tide of over commitment, time poverty, exhaustion, and simmering resentment.

 Maybe she’s you.

I think a lot of women go through at least one phase of trying to be everything to everyone at some point in their lives. Perhaps it’s being supermum, a die-hard activist, or the career woman who runs herself ragged at work during the week and then beats herself up for not doing more on the weekends. As women, we sometimes use sacrifice as a way of showing love. But the problem comes when we start sacrificing ourselves and letting people take advantage of us.

If you read nothing past this point, then I really hope you’ll at least take this away:

  • There are no prizes in life for exhaustion and self-sacrifice.
  • You’re not going to be able to help anyone if you don’t learn how to take care of yourself first.
  • And it really, truly doesn’t have to be this way.

We all come to this edge every now and again. As a recovering perfectionist with a side order of Imposter Syndrome I really get it. I want you to know that it’s not uncommon for women to reach this place no matter how wise you are. I think it’s our big hearts that do it to us. But it’s imperative that we put ourselves first and find the solution to this problem.

The answer lies in boundaries.

Boundaries are so important, and yet for so many of us women, talking about them feels uncomfortable. If you want to have strong boundaries, it feels like you either have to run people over and generally be very masculine, or if you want to care for people it feels like you have to be a pushover. But this is absolutely not the case!

You don’t have to choose between being a bitch and being a pushover — what you need to be is a Queen.

Every Queen has a realm; what’s yours going to be? Your realm is those people you care about and choose to impact or have some kind of personal connection with. This could be your clients, your family, your friends, a charity you support, your colleagues … whomever you choose.

But the key is that you have to choose. You can’t be responsible for the whole world, and you can’t take everything to heart. You have a finite amount of time and energy, and it’s incredibly important that you spend these resources carefully! So before you do anything else, ask yourself who’s in your realm.

How to figure out your boundaries

When figuring out your boundaries, you need to have some sense of what you’re OK with. This will intersect strongly with your personality and your needs. For instance, an introvert will likely have a boundary of needing a specific amount of alone time, and would feel infringed upon if they were constantly required to be out and about. Someone else might have a boundary around the amount of chores they do around the house, while another might have a boundary about how they get feedback. And of course, everyone has boundaries around their basic rights and treatment as humans.

What you really need to remember as you’re setting your boundaries is to set them at the level where your needs are met. You don’t set a boundary below where your
needs are met, or at the point where you put up with it and put up with it until you suddenly explode. You set it at the point where you’re doing fine. But any further
infringement would cause you to feel anger, disrespect or upset.

So when you’re thinking about the different areas of your life, ask yourself, “What is it that I need to be fine in this situation? What boundaries or rules do I need?”

Action Step:  Take some time to think about some boundaries which are important to you right now. You don’t have to have them all, just a few to get started with!
If you’re having trouble, think about things that make you angry. Anger is often a sign that someone is crossing one of your boundaries, so it makes a good indicator.

For more on setting and enforcing your boundaries, Grab your free Enough is Enough report now. In it you’ll learn how to gracefully set unbreakable boundaries and how to say no with ease, in a way that works for everyone. There are specific action steps for you to take to guide you on a gentle journey of reclaiming your space.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

After all stuff happens no matter how intelligent or important we are. It’s how we handle it that determines our impact.

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How Talented Women Thrive!

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Do you suffer from energy hangover?

Energy what? Energy hangover.

For instance when you get home from a mad busy day at work where you’ve been multi-tasking, getting things done and making decisions, then you get home and dinner is a military operation, you don’t really notice that your kids are there and you haven’t had a moment to have a nice conversation with them because you’re still in that busy doing energy. Are you nodding your head?

Or you’ve just had a lovely weekend off and you’re totally in the moment and now it’s Monday morning, you’re back at work and you just can’t seem to engage your brain. Sound familiar?

Well, this is energy hangover. Where energy from one area of your life seeps into another and then means you’re not being as fruitful as you would like to be. You see our ability to perform at work and the other areas of our lives depends upon our effectiveness, or what I prefer to call fruitfulness. And our fruitfulness depends upon our ability to manage our energy effectively.

Research by McKinsey and company called ‘Centered leadership: How talented women thrive’,   consulted with some of the biggest corporate companies around the world, in a study of successful women in leadership. One of the key defining features for women who were successfully leading small or large teams was that they had a solid process in place to help them manage their energy. They had strategies to manage the areas of their lives that draw on their energy; home life, health and well-being, as well as their work life. They were able to replenish and rejuvenate when necessary but also had systems and processes in place to maintain their energy on a daily basis.

This is what effectiveness is really about for us as women and what we talk about here at One of many is that our fruitfulness, as women in leadership roles (whether that’s leading at work or in our family), is a constant flow between two polarities of energy. And those polarities are the masculine and the feminine energy.

We are great advocates here of what we call Soft Power, creating from our feminine energy, having said that we also recognise  that there is a time for our masculine energy, the yin and the yang.

Work/our career will especially bring out masculine energy if we don’t examine it. The archetype of Superwoman is someone we share a lot about at The One Woman Conference and this archetype is actually our masculine energy of show up, push through, focus, drive, success at all costs type of energy.

Left unchecked this energy can absolutely burn us out and is highly damaging to our intimate relationships and family life because it creates competing masculine energy in the home. For example, kids want the nurturing, nourishing archetype of the Mother. A safe place to be, someone to share in their excitement and love them.

As women we wear multiple hats and operate from different energies. So just how can you shift with ease between the different energies so you don’t suffer from that dreaded energy hangover?

You need Bridging Rituals.

Bridging Rituals are designed specifically to help you deal with this energy shifting and become more fruitful in your life.

Let me share an example to show you exactly what I mean.

One of my clients was a successful corporate employee, she was very effective and productive. A strong independent woman who didn’t need her husband. She felt he was ineffective, couldn’t make a decision and she wasn’t inspired by him. Their marriage was in a seriously rocky place.

I shared with her that the problem was the competing masculine energy. Life needs polarity and her husband was taking on more and more of the feminine, to balance out her masculine. He was getting out of the way because he didn’t want to compete with her and he didn’t want to argue.

I invited her to bring The Lover and The Queen (2 of our other key archetypes) into her intimate relationships.

She totally got what I meant and created a Bridging Ritual for when she got home from work to help her transition. She took a mini bath, just 5-10 minutes to be with herself to consciously make the shift to leave work at work and arrive at home. She changed her clothes into soft feminine clothes and shifted to a place of openness, connection and love for her husband.

Within a week she had a fabulous relationship with her husband because she was allowing him space to be in his masculine. She was resting better and sleeping better as well because she’d left Superwoman at the office.

Men do it naturally.

Because men tend to think more modally and compartmentalise things, they naturally do these Bridging Rituals. Whereas women tend to have awareness of all things at all times, and so we tend to have thoughts of home at work and thoughts of work at home. Which is ok, unless you have energy hangover and it’s not serving you.

This is where the Bridging Rituals really help. Rituals are powerful things. Studies show that rituals improve our confidence, our peace of mind and minimise our stress. And you can create rituals for all areas of your life, they can be anything you like that helps you shift from one mode of energy to another. I like to light a different candle for shifting in energy.

How will you bring Bridging Rituals into your life?

Here’s some things you can do this week to help you create some Bridging Rituals for yourself.

  1. If you live with a man notice his shifting rituals and see what you can learn.
  2. Identify your own energetic shifts that you need to go through during the day. Starting work, leaving work, shifting Mum to Lover because you’re going on a date etc.
  3. Create small rituals that will help you to bridge those energetic shifts.
  4. Implement them and notice what happens.

 

I’d love to know the Bridging Rituals you’ve created for yourself. Let me know in the comments below or by joining our BeOne facebook community.

If you’d like to find out more about the archetypes we use here at One of many™ come and join us for the 4th One Woman Conference. We’d love to see you!

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The Foundation of Flow

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

“I love him … but I’m not in love with him.”

If you haven’t said it yourself, then I’m sure you’ve heard a friend say it. This situation is incredibly common in relationships, and it very often comes down to one thing: a lack of polarity.

A matrix of opposites

Although it sounds like something out of a science experiment, polarity is that state of being in which two opposites come together. It’s a critical part of our relationships with other people, and even our internal balance between masculine and feminine. It’s what makes flow possible. Without it, you end up drained of energy, flat, and uncreative.

This pattern repeats itself throughout the universe, which is itself a matrix of opposites: dark and light, up and down, black and white, and of course, masculine and feminine. And in our lives, when we’ve got polarity going on, we get that delicious flow, those sparks, and that incredible, vibrant excitement of being alive.

But there’s a problem …

Our society is increasingly socialising us to bulk up our non-dominant energies. Men are encouraged to be more feminine, and women are encouraged to be more masculine, leaving us with polarity that’s way out of whack.

So what does this look like practically? Well, imagine that you, being the capable, intelligent, strong, successful woman that you are, are going on a first date with a guy. You turn up in your masculine energy, asking lots of questions and wanting to take the lead throughout the date. Your date, being the man, turns up in his masculine energy too. Do you think that sparks are going to fly? Not likely!

It might be fun, but you more than likely won’t get that delicious tension, that “urge to merge” that you would if the two of you were at opposite polarities. Think of it like an electrical circuit. If you’ve got two positive terminals, you can’t create flow — you’ve got to have a positive and a negative.

This doesn’t only apply to first dates. Lots of couples lose their polarity over time as they become more and more like each other, which leads to a loss of intimacy, passion, tenderness, and even creativity. And this also applies to relationships in a more general sense, for instance, the relationships between you and your male colleagues: polarity creates flow there too.

How to get realigned

The good news is, there’s lots you can do to realign your polarity if you’ve gotten out of whack. The first thing you need to do is to take some time to get a sense of what your dominant energy is, deep down. This often aligns with the gender you were born with, although of course there are exceptions. So take some time to really feel which energy is natural to you. One good way to do this is to ask yourself how you feel at the core when you think about these words:

External, hot, passionate, driven, coming from the head, linear thinking, analytical…

And how about these?

Internal, passive, dark, nonlinear thinking, wild, receptive, of the Earth, instincts, intuition…

Which one of those lists makes you feel energised, and which makes you feel depleted?

Once you have gotten a sense of your dominant energy, you need to consciously spend some time in that energy. Really nourish it! If you’re feminine, then try not taking showers for a week and instead taking a really lovely, soothing bath every day. Or get two massages in a week, instead of just your monthly one.

Finally, think of a way that you can bring that energy out into the world so that you can create space for experiencing the masculine. One way I love to do this is to get dressed up and go out to dinner by myself. I make it a really sensual experience, enjoying great food and wine, and flirting with people — not with seduction in mind, but simply to enjoy the experience of being in the feminine.

My invitation to you…

Over the next fortnight, make the conscious choice to spend some time in your natural energy. How are you going to create that space; what are you going to do? Tell me below in the comments so I can cheer you on!

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How to Stop being Everything to Everyone

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I think one of the most amazing things about women is our capacity to care so deeply for others — if it needs to be done, we’ll do it; if someone’s hurting, we want to fix it; and if there’s a chance to make the world a better place, we’re all over it.

But there can be a downside to this incredible capacity for care: if we’re not very deliberate about who we care for, we end up giving too much to too many for far too long, often only stopping when we’ve completely run ourselves into the ground.

The truth is, when push comes to shove, each of us is a human being, which means we’ve only got a limited amount of energy available to us. We’ve all only got 24 hours in the day, and the life that we’re living is a limited resource, which means that we have to choose where and with whom we want to share our very, very precious energy.

To make that happen, you’ve got to have a really clear sense of who’s in your realm and who’s at your hearth.

Your realm

Your realm is the people that you care for, the people you wish to see safe and prosperous and abundant, and those that you give your time, energy, and other resources to. You’re very much in your Queen archetype in relation to these people — which means that your realm can be quite extensive.

For instance, anyone who’s aligned with the vision of creating a global feminine paradigm is part of my realm, as are the people I work with at the Hunger Project, my associates, my clients, my family … you see how it works.

Your hearth

Then there’s the people who are at your hearth. These are the ones that you deeply, deeply care about, those people whose wellbeing directly impacts yours. When you’re with these people, you’re in your mother archetype, and they’re also the people for whom you’ll sacrifice from time to time. For instance, if you and your child are sick at the same time, their sickness wins out, and you’ll sacrifice your energy and desires to make sure they’re OK.

Anyone who doesn’t fall into one of these two categories is simply outside your realm. Those are the people that you just don’t give any energy or attention to, because they’re not your people. And that’s OK! You don’t have to be responsible for everyone. In fact, if you try to take care of people outside your realm, you end up spreading yourself so thin that you can’t care for the people inside your realm.

And then there are the crazymakers…

These are the people who are currently inside your realm, and maybe even at your hearth when they really shouldn’t be. They’re the ones that make your life crazy, the ones that always seem to call just when you’re about to get to work or go do your soft play. They’re the ones that consistently take more than they give, wrangle themselves into special occasions and celebrations you really wish they weren’t at, and have a brilliant gift for making you feel wrong, inadequate, and guilty.

We’ve all had at least one of these types of people in our lives … and despite what you might expect, I’m not going to tell you that you have to cut them off carte blanche. These types of relationships are often codependent, which means that you may be getting something out of the relationship, or it may be a situation where you’ve shifted and grown but you’re still keeping some old habits.

Regardless, you should bring some consciousness to the situation and start to look at how those relationships impact your wellbeing and your ability to show up in the world as you’re meant to.

Your turn

Now it’s your turn to think about the relationships in your life. Set aside some time to do a little relationship auditing today or tomorrow — having your realm and your hearth defined is hugely important for being able to care for yourself and for others.

Here’s one way to do it: take a pen and paper and make two lists. On the first one, write down everybody who’s in your realm; all those people that you care about, all those people you give to and want to change the world for.

And on the second list, write down all the people who are at your hearth; those people who’s wellbeing directly impacts yours.

Now ask yourself, “Who’s not on my list — and why is that a good thing?” Who are you setting boundaries with so that you can preserve your energy for the things you consciously choose to give energy to?

Then have a look at the relationships that you need to have conversations about, or maybe even step back from. Do you have any crazymakers in your realm or at your hearth?

Finally, think of just one way that you’re going to prioritise the people at your hearth this week … and tell me how you’re going to do that below in the comments!

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How to Develop a Healthy Relationship with Anger

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Today I want to talk about something that’s often an awkward topic for us women — anger. I know, just bringing it up can make us really uncomfortable! After all, who wants to think about being angry?

But it’s such a hugely important topic, not just for our psychological wellbeing, but also for our physical wellbeing. In fact, I was reading some studies the other day that showed that having a healthy relationship with anger can lower your risk of certain cancers, high blood pressure, heart disease and poor immunity!

The problem with anger

A lot of women that I talk to feel like anger itself is a problem — after all, we’re raised with the idea that “nice girls don’t get angry” or that we should sit quietly and speak when we’re spoken to, and very few of us are taught how to express our anger in a positive way.

But anger in and of itself isn’t the problem. It’s actually a great thing, because it acts as an inbuilt warning sign that something is going on that crosses a boundary, infringes on our values for ourself, or even threatens our safety. And despite what you might think, it’s not something that you can control.

Fight or flight

See, anger is largely a physiological response. As humans, when there’s danger, we have a deep seated, programmed fight or flight response. It’s very primal; it’s controlled by the amygdala, which is the reptilian part of the brain which warns the rest of the nervous system when we’re threatened.

When this happens, the nervous system releases neurotransmitters that flood the entire body, and before we’re even consciously aware of any danger, we’re in the middle of this flood of hormones that’s giving us a huge boost of energy and actually altering our consciousness.

Same system, different response

Everyone’s got the same physical system associated with anger, but the way we respond can be really different, depending on your gender, the culture you grew up in, and even how recently you’ve eaten!

Culture has a huge impact on how we deal with anger — men tend to have an easier time expressing their anger, since it’s more culturally accepted for them to be aggressive.

So while men tend to focus their anger outwards, women tend to either focus it internally, or sometimes on people who are nonthreatening, like children or a spouse instead of getting clear on what the primary source of the anger is and dealing with that. And while men usually get angry, express it, and then forget about it, women tend to feel ashamed, guilty, and resentful that they even had the angry outburst in the first place!

There are also a lot of physical factors that can make you more prone to anger. If your testosterone levels are higher than normal, if your blood sugar is off, if you’ve got low serotonin, if you’re going through menopause, or if you’re right before your period then you’ll be naturally be more irritable and likely to flare up.

Finally, and this is really important to realize, is that you can still be impacted in the present by times that you were angry in the past and weren’t able to express that properly. It’s also easy to “inherit” anger if you grew up in an atmosphere where there was a lot of anger or abuse, or if you were taught unhealthy ways to deal with your anger.

A good way to recognize when you’re being triggered by something in the past is to look at how proportionate your response is to an event. If you’re having a really disproportionate response to an event — like if you fly into a rage when you’re emptying the dishwasher and you break a cup — it’s a good bet that it’s not about the cup.

Developing a healthy relationship with anger

OK, so you know what’s going on when you’re angry and why it happens. But how can you develop a healthy relationship with your anger?

For a lot of women, our go-to response to anger is to repress it, to hide it. But this is really damaging. Hiding your anger might get it off your mental plate for a short time, but it will always come out in another form, like depression, anxiety, chronic pain, or even addiction.

Of course, I’m not saying you should go the other way and just rain explosive rage on those around you whenever you’re upset. What you need to do instead is to:

(1) Recognize that you’re in this physical state. When you start to get the symptoms, like your heart beating faster, your palms sweating, your shoulders tensing, and your breath getting short … you’re in that fight or flight state. While there may or may not be an actual threat, your body feels like there is.

If you’re in a conversation with someone else when this happens, just say,

“You know what, I just need to take a break for a moment. Can we continue this in a little while?”

Then go away for 5 – 10 minutes, and once the hormones have passed through your body, you can come back and have a rational conversation about what’s going on.

(2) Let that anger out in a safe but honest way. Now ladies, none of this thing where you calmly state what you’re angry about and think it’s done and dusted (while you’re still inwardly seething). You have to get it out! Some good ways to do this are to punch a pillow, to turn the music up and dance your head off, do a really good workout.

Another thing I like to do sometimes is to give your anger a voice and write a letter about what you’re angry about. Don’t hold back, write it like you’re in grade three: “Dear poo-head, you made me so angry when you did that stupid thing and I hate your stupid piggy ears and your dumb voice…” It sounds silly, but it really works!

(3) Become a detective of your anger. After you’ve gone through a period of anger and you’ve calmed down, look at things that could have triggered it and see what you can do to keep that from happening again. While there’s nothing wrong with anger, there’s also no point in putting yourself in situations where you’re going to be prone to it.

OK ladies, let’s spill. How do you deal with anger? I have to admit, I still struggle with it sometimes. What about you?

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Who Is the Most Important Person in Your Life?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

So who did you think of first? Your baby? Your partner? Your mother?

The most important relationship you will have in your life is the one you have with yourself.

Now I don’t know about you but I don’t feel like I’ve got a stack of time these days to spoil myself, take myself off to the spa or indulge in some of my favourite hobbies. When someone tells me to “take care of myself”, I think: “When?”

Maybe it’s time to start thinking about the relationship with ourselves the same way as we think of our relationship with other people, especially the significant people in our lives. We spend a lot of mental and emotional energy on maintaining and improving those relationships. But how much positive emotional energy do you put back into yourself?

ATTENTION

Developing a relationship with yourself is not selfish. It doesn’t have to be about spending more time alone. Try simply being mindful of your emotions as you go about your day and tuning into how you really feel. Be heard.

APPRECIATION

One essential element of a good relationship is appreciation. Think of how much you do for yourself in day! Be thankful you can do these things and appreciate your ability do them. Be grateful for yourself; for your mind, for your body, for your heart.

AFFECTION

As your relationship with yourself develops, you have to be willing to both give affection and receive affection. You have to be open to being gentle with yourself. Give yourself time, give yourself patience, give yourself love.

ACCEPTANCE

No relationship is perfect. We’ll all probably do things that make no sense as we go about improving the relationship we have with ourselves. We’ll go to bed mad with ourselves. But we’ll make up. Accept the relationship with have its ups and downs. Because every relationship does.

How do you feel about yourself today? What small act of kindness could you do for yourself to show how much you care?

Dr Joanna Martin: Founder, oneofmany.co.uk.| Author| Women’s Speaker| Entrepreneur| Ex-doctor| Loud Sister| Baby Wrangler = No professional training but do a fine job nonetheless!

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7 Important Choices for Happy Relationships

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

This fantastic list was compiled by the creator of Tiny Buddha, Lori Deschene. She reached out to her community and asked them: ‘What’s the key to a happy relationship?’ She received thousands of responses from all over the world but was able to break down the details into this list. How? Because Lori discovered that no matter where you are on your journey, how old you are, whether you like men or women or both, LOVE is a universal experience.

So here for you is the gathered wisdom of loving community in seven handy rules. We have included some ideas for action too.

  1. Practice self-love first.
  • Work on forgiving yourself. The past is the past and you deserve to put it behind you, but no one else can let it go for you.
  • Be good to yourself today. Practice yoga, meditate, or take a walk.
  1. Focus on compatibility.
  • If you’re single, do something social that you love. You’re more likely to meet compatible people if you get out there and foster your interests.
  • If you’re in a relationship with someone and it always feels like hard work, ask yourself: are you trying to jam a square peg into a round hole? It can be scary to walk away from the wrong person, but it’s the only possibility of meeting someone who will feel right.
  1. Practice acceptance.
  • Accept that not everyone or everything is perfect. We are all perfectly flawed.
  • If there’s something you just can’t accept, ask yourself if you’re willing to walk away because of it. We can’t change other people, but we can change our relationship to them.
  1. Have realistic expectations.
  • Challenge thoughts that include the word should—how a relationship should work, how people should act if they love you.
  • Recognise when you want a person to do something for you that you need to do for yourself, like make you feel lovable or take care of your needs. Then release those expectations and do it for yourself.
  1. Be kind in words and deeds.
  • Think about the person’s feelings before you criticize them.
  • See the other person as if for the first time. It’s all too easy to take someone for granted. Really notice all the wonderful things they do, and let them know what you see.
  1. Be honest.
  • Open up about something that you’ve been keeping to yourself. People can only be there for us if we let them.
  • If something’s on your mind, express it without implying the other person is responsible for your feelings.
  1. Remember to act.
  • Adjust to change. Adjust to moods, lifestyle changes, and new additions. When you’re bored, do something about it.
  • Take time to laugh together, whether it’s watching funny YouTube videos or trying something new together.
  • If you feel dissatisfied with your life, don’t assume it’s your relationship. What other adjustments could you make to feel happier with your place in the world?

What do you think? Have we got it covered? Could these rules apply to other areas of your life? Other relationships? Let us know your thoughts in the comments. We love hearing from you.

Dr Joanna Martin: Founder, oneofmany.co.uk.| Author| Women’s Speaker| Entrepreneur| Ex-doctor| Loud Sister| Baby Wrangler = No professional training but do a fine job nonetheless!