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How to develop a healthy relationship with anger

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Today I want to talk about something that’s often an awkward topic for us women — anger. I know. Just bringing it up can feel uncomfortable. After all, who wants to think about being angry? Much less think about how to develop a healthy relationship with anger!

But it’s such a hugely important topic. Not just for our psychological wellbeing, but also for our physical wellbeing. I’ve read some studies that suggest having a healthy relationship with anger can lower your risk of certain cancers, high blood pressure, heart disease and poor immunity!

The problem with anger

A lot of women that I talk to feel their anger is a problem. After all, we’re raised with the idea that “nice girls don’t get angry”. Or think we should sit quietly and speak when we’re spoken to. Very few of us are taught how to express our anger in a positive way.

But anger in and of itself isn’t the problem.

It’s actually a great thing, because it acts as an inbuilt warning system. Anger tells you when:

  • Something or someone’s crossed a boundary
  • Something’s infringed on your values
  • Something threatens your safety

And despite what you might think, it’s not something that you can control.

Fight or flight

See, anger is largely a physiological response. As humans, when there’s danger, we have a deep seated, programmed fight or flight response. It’s very primal; it’s controlled by the amygdala, which is the reptilian part of the brain which warns the rest of the nervous system when we’re threatened.

When this happens, the nervous system releases neurotransmitters that flood the entire body. Before we’re even consciously aware of any danger, we’re in the middle of this flood of hormones that’s giving us a huge boost of energy and actually altering our consciousness.

Same system, different response

Everyone’s got the same physical system associated with anger, but the way we respond can be really different, depending on lots of factors. A few include your gender, the power dynamic you’re in (are you the boss? an unhappy customer?), and even how recently you’ve eaten!

Culture has a huge impact on how we deal with anger — men tend to have an easier time expressing their anger, since it’s more culturally accepted for them to be aggressive.

So while men tend to focus their anger outwards, women often focus it internally.

Sometimes we find ourselves “blowing up” on people who are nonthreatening, like children or a spouse, instead of getting clear on what the primary source of our anger is.

And while some men can get angry, express it, and then forget about it, women tend to feel ashamed, guilty, and resentful that they even had the angry outburst in the first place!

There are also a lot of physical factors that can make you more prone to anger. If your testosterone levels are higher than normal, if your blood sugar is off, if you’ve got low serotonin, if you’re going through menopause, or if you’re right before your period then you’ll be naturally be more irritable and likely to flare up.

Finally, and this is really important to realize: You can still be impacted in the present by times that you were angry in the past and weren’t able to express that properly.

(It’s also easy to “inherit” anger if you grew up in an atmosphere where there was a lot of anger or abuse, or if you were taught unhealthy ways to deal with your anger.)

A good way to recognize when you’re being triggered by something in the past is to look at how proportionate your response is to an event. If you’re having a really disproportionate response to an event — like if you fly into a rage when you’re emptying the dishwasher and you break a cup — it’s a good bet that it’s not about the cup.

Developing a healthy relationship with anger

OK, so you know what’s going on when you’re angry and why it happens. But how can you develop a healthy relationship with your anger?

For a lot of women, our go-to response to anger is to repress it, to hide it. But this is really damaging. Hiding your anger might get it off your mental plate for a short time, but it will always come out in another form, like depression, anxiety, chronic pain, or even addiction.

Of course, I’m not saying you should go the other way and just rain explosive rage on those around you whenever you’re upset.

What you need to do instead is to:

(1) Recognize that you’re in this physical state.

When you start to get the symptoms, like your heart beating faster, your palms sweating, your shoulders tensing, and your breath getting short … you’re in that fight or flight state. While there may or may not be an actual threat, your body feels like there is.

If you’re in a conversation with someone else when this happens, just say,

“You know what, I just need to take a break for a moment. Can we continue this in a little while?”

Then go away for 5 – 10 minutes, and once the hormones have passed through your body, you can come back and have a rational conversation about what’s going on.

(2) Let that anger out in a safe but honest way.

None of this thing where you calmly state what you’re angry about while you’re still inwardly seething. Get it out! Some good ways to do this are to punch a pillow, to turn the music up and dance your head off, do a really good workout.

Another thing I like to do sometimes is to give your anger a voice and write a letter about what you’re angry about. Don’t hold back, write it like you’re in grade three: “Dear poo-head, you made me so angry when you did that stupid thing and I hate your stupid piggy ears and your dumb voice…” It sounds silly, but it really works!

(3) Become a detective of your anger.

After you’ve gone through a period of anger and you’ve calmed down, look at things that could have triggered it and see what you can do to keep that from happening again. While there’s nothing wrong with anger, there’s also no point in putting yourself in situations where you’re going to be prone to it.

What’s your relationship with anger like?

OK ladies, let’s spill. How do you deal with anger? I have to admit, I still struggle with it sometimes. What about you?

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Making a difference #ForTheNextWoman

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

With a big mission to transform the lives of one million women leaders, International Women’s Day is an annual celebration for us. And in 2021, our campaign focuses on WHY we’re doing what we’re doing. #ForTheNextWoman

Why #ForTheNextWoman?

In these volatile times it’s become more and more clear how much inequality and injustice there is in the world. The UN theme for #IWD21 is ‘Women in leadership: Achieving an equal future in a COVID-19 world’.

Which has led to many of us asking ourselves the question — is changing my own life really enough?

In the face of all the GIANT things that need to change in the world, is focusing on your own needs selfish?

Here’s my take on this.

I believe that one of the ingredients we need in order to create a thriving, just and equal world is capable, empowered women.

Women who are not afraid to say ‘I matter’ and ‘what I want counts’ and to bring pleasure and joy and excitement into their own lives.

It’s really important, of course, that we also change the systems. The exploitative, extractive cultures and our unconscious biases that cause harm without us realizing it.

But I don’t think we can wait until the systems themselves are fair to take action. If we can equip and empower women by showing up in SPITE of the current systems, we can become one of many women moving the dial for the ones who come next.

If, right now, your focus is on sorting out your finances, or being there for your kids, or supporting your team — never think what you’re doing isn’t enough.

You’re modelling a new way of being in the world. And it’s one that will, I hope, have repercussions for generations to come. #ForTheNextWoman in fact.

And when you’re fully resourced, capable, energised and ready to make a difference your impact will be far greater. When you’re standing in your power – nothing is impossible.

How are you making a difference?

Someone shared a gorgeous quote into the BeOne community this week. It’s a Chinese proverb:

When sleeping women wake, mountains move.

And women in our community are part of that process of waking up. When we know how to fill up our energy, set clear boundaries, make powerful decisions and collaborate effectively, it’s time to turn that power back out into the world.

To create a better future #ForTheNextWoman

The tools we share at One of many are designed by women, for women, and they help women around the world create extraordinary results.

For our coaches, they’ve allowed them to make an extraordinary impact this year.

Take Caroline Doran. We spoke to her at the end of last year, when she shared how profound an impact she’d had with her clients in 2020.

“My clients are in the charity sector. There’s a lot going on and it’s very difficult. I started quite a big coaching contract just as lockdown started, which was just amazing timing. And I got so much from helping people through this huge kind of ‘what the hell is happening?!’.

Being able to support people through that space of coaching, it gave me such a great sense of purpose and focus”.

Or Jen Goddard, an actuary. She told us

“I’m involved now in our gender diversity network in the office, trying to bring more of the coaching skills across the board and trying to get people to recognize how that can work.

Because what you so often see in talent programs is that people who are doing well get better. And the ones getting left behind are still left behind.

So I wanted to find the people who aren’t thriving, but would be talents if we could just get them to look after themselves. You know what I mean? It’s going from “let’s find some female talents and promote them” to “actually, let’s make everybody better”. And even the playing field in that way.”

I love seeing our coaches doing the work they do #ForTheNextWoman.

How about you?

And so, this International Women’s Day, we’re inviting you to join us in this celebration of women and the difference it makes to the world when we’re empowered. Here’s what to do.

#1 Spend some time thinking about who you’re making changes for.

Are you standing up to your boss so that the next woman in your role won’t have unreasonable demands on her? Are you sharing the honest version of your life on social media, so that the next women feeling like a failure will laugh and know she’s not alone? Are you showing your kids, your niece or nephew that you’re stepping up and making the world a better place?

Take a moment to acknowledge what you’re doing. It might seem small, but you’re part of a far bigger movement. Celebrate the impact you’re having on your own corner of the world — together, we are having a mighty impact.

#2 Shout your message from the rooftops!

We’re giving away a scholarship to our Coaching Certification for one of the women sharing the changes she’s making #ForTheNextWoman. So if you’ve been inspired by the difference our coaches are making in the world, make sure you take part to be in with a chance of getting your training costs covered by us! To take part, simply:

  1. Post a message/photo/video on your personal page or profile on social media AND in the BeOne group, explaining who you are stepping up for
  2. Tag @oneofmanywomen and, if they’re on Facebook, a friend/relative/client you’re stepping up for this International Women’s Day.
  3. Make sure to use the hashtags #FortheNextWoman and #IWD2021 and tag @oneofmanywomen

    4. We’ll select a winner from the posts shared and Jo will officially announce the winner on her Lunch and Learn live on Tuesday 9th March.

Have fun!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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6 reasons we need community (and how to find it)

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Right now many of us are isolating ourselves from connection with others more than we ever have before. And I am more present than ever to the effect that’s having on all of us. Because the fact is, we need community.

We overlook the importance of connection at our peril – as I’m going to share with you today.

I know I’m not alone in really, really missing my nearest and dearest. Lately, I’ve found myself looking back over photos of retreats and events. Where we used to come together in a room and dance together and hug each other without even thinking about it twice. We would go to concerts. We would go to bars. We didn’t care how many other people were in a small enclosed space with us.

For many of us, those times feel very, very far away.

The problem with isolation

The isolation and loneliness we’re facing are compounded by the additional stress we’re all under.

Maybe you’ve had a bad night’s sleep, got a looming work deadline, or your kids are being particularly challenging.

Maybe you’re grieving. Or sick.

Many of us are having to navigate redundancies or put people on furlough, or work out whether we should or shouldn’t open for business. All the sorts of things we’re facing at the moment are causing us to be way more stressed than usual.

And yet, for some reason, the more stressed we get, the more we isolate.

I have seen it again and again in our community.

Could our “Superwoman” streak be stopping us from connecting?

Many of us have an unconscious belief that if things get stressful, we have to draw away. We think we can only be in the world when we are positive, or when we’ve all got it all figured out.

Many of us grew up being taught to share happy things and hide sad things. And if that’s what you grew up with, then at a time when stress is magnified, we are tending to isolate even more.

So let’s talk about why we need community and why connection is so critically important.

Here are 6 reasons why connection is critical to all of us.

#1 We need to belong

As the wonderful Brené Brown puts it, we are “hardwired for love and belonging”. It’s in our very DNA, the fabric of our being to love, to be loved and to feel like we belong somewhere.

#2 We need support and belief

I often work with women entrepreneurs, in my one-on-one consultancy. And there’s often this sense of imposter syndrome. We think “I really should believe in myself more”. To a certain extent that’s true, but there is a big part of self-belief that actually comes from others.

I tend to surround myself with people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. And that works beautifully for me. I am surrounded by a team of incredible men and women who believe in me more than I believe in me. They create a leadership space for me to lead them in. And I keep stepping into that.

Having people around us who believe in us is so important, so that when we hit something that’s hard to navigate, whether it be a work thing, a family thing, a relationship thing, we’ve got someone to tell us “I know you’re having a tough time, but I believe in you. I really believe in you. I know you can do this. Let’s see if we can come up with some ideas together.” Sometimes that support looks like troubleshooting and problem solving together. And sometimes that support looks like just being there.

#3 We need collective wisdom

When it comes to solving a problem, a group does better than any individual out there. We can get to a point beyond where any one person could go on their own. And that’s connected to the fourth reason, which is:

#4 We need to push our own limits

We will all stop ourselves at some point. Oftentimes others give us that gentle push that has us grow and expand into an area that we might not have otherwise gone into. We need community for that. It’s something we can’t do for ourselves.

#5 We need accountability

We need other people to declare our intentions to. They can remind us of what we’ve decided and help us stick to our plans, whatever plans they may be.

#6 We need others’ energy

I confess: This is something I don’t quite know how to describe. I know that for myself, some of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve had happen, not in one-on-one coaching sessions, but where I’m part of a collective coming together as a group. It can happen virtually. I’ve seen it in the group who have gathered for the Activate Challenge this week. There’s a motivation in there. We can share energy when we come together in community, and it’s powerful stuff.

Is it time you got connected?

My challenge for you today is to reach out and get connected to somebody.

  • If you have a good friend you’ve not connected with for a while, reach out, have an evening with them on zoom and talk it through. Send a care package. Send a postcard. Connect!
  • If you’re friends with someone on social media, why not ask them if they’d like to have a virtual coffee together?
  • And if you don’t even know where to start with community, please start by joining one of our online groups because they are full of exquisite and extraordinary women who know how to be a fierce, committed stand. They know how to be supportive and gentle and nourishing when they need to, they know how to love and they know how to accept love. That is one of the things that makes our community so deeply rich and profound.

And if you’d like to experience what it’s like to gather virtually with hundreds of women – and discover how to reconnect to your joy and optimism for the future – join us for the Activate Your Vision workshop, happening tomorrow. It would be an absolute pleasure to have you there, as part of our global community of women.

Click here to register for your free place at the training.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: How to stay sane during the holidays

By

Oona Alexander
Oona Alexander
Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.
Oona Alexander
Latest posts by Oona Alexander (see all)

If you have children in your life I’m sure they will have made you aware that holidays are here and an exciting time of year is approaching! You’re probably very busy with to-do lists, preparations and plans for a pandemic-proof end of year celebration with your family. Today I want to explore some simple, practical ways to stay sane during the holidays.

And even if you won’t be spending time with kids this year, I hope you’ll find these tips helpful when it comes to your own experience of the holidays. After all, I’m guessing you’re exhausted after this year of unpredictability, maybe processing grief, too. And perhaps feeling disappointed about the restrictions on this year’s festivities. A little planning can go a long way.

So, what will help you stay sane during the holidays?

I believe the key words here are kindness and connection.

Please start with kindness to yourself. This is not the year to enforce extra high standards or go the extra mile.

  • Find compassion for yourself, recognising all you have done, while navigating unchartered waters.
  • Prioritise some self-care, even if it’s just a sweetly scented bath with candles.
  • And promise me you won’t forget to eat lunch because you’re focussed on the Christmas biscuits!

Your needs come first. Kindness towards yourself will help you be present and connect with your children – and your presence and connectedness are the most precious gifts you can give them.

To help you bring in more connectedness and have a happy and harmonious time with the kids, here are seven tips.

7 way to stay sane during the holidays

1. Involve your children in the planning.

Children love it when we listen to their ideas and let them contribute to the family plans. This really helps them to connect with everything that’s happening and brings enthusiasm and a sense of ownership into events. You can do this using a three part conversation:

  1. First, ask what’s important for them about the holidays and your family celebrations this year. What would they like to do? Use this step as an opportunity to be curious and learn more about what your children’s priorities are. Then appreciate all their ideas, however wacky, and show you’ve heard them by writing them down.
  2. Secondly, bring the elements that are important to you about the holidays, for example, a daily walk or screen time limits. Make this bit as as concise as possible. At all costs avoid asking for nice behaviour or any hint of lecturing (which doesn’t work – and actually undermines your authority.)
  3. Finally bring your ideas together in a plan for the days and weeks ahead. Assign tasks.

2. Create a flexible structure to your day.

This can be as simple as having an activity in the morning like baking/crafts/walk and games/screen time in the afternoon.

A rhythm to your day helps to create predictability, which supports children to orientate, settle back into holiday mode and connect with events.

3. Include a physical activity every single day.

Giving children (and let’s face it, adults too) the opportunity to connect with their bodies each day acts like a magic mood lifter! Ideally, there’s the daily walk or bike ride, with the additional benefit of fresh air.

But, if you can’t go out, at least clear the furniture and get everyone moving by having a family disco, organising a pillow fight or giving them a fun sensory experience like being rolled along the floor in a duvet.

4. Keep your children informed.

Let your children know what’s coming up the next day. This helps them prepare and makes it easier for them to interrupt their activities, when the time comes to get into the car or say hello to grandpa.

5. Free range activities.

It can be so much fun to involve children in craft or baking activities at this time of year. The key here is not to be invested in specific results. It’s best to avoid saying things like: “No, not like that!” or “Try and make it a bit neater!”

Keep reminding yourself that, for your children, it’s the activity that’s important and the opportunity to connect with you and the process. This is what brings the sense of fun and enjoyment, not the way it looks afterwards. You can start simply by saying, “Let’s have fun with the biscuit dough.”

6. Allow feelings.

The festive season is exciting for every child and feelings can run high, with dramatic peaks and troughs. Inevitably there will be disappointments. There always are. And my best advice is to allow your child to feel these difficult feelings. This way, they pass over more quickly.

Here’s how it works: If a child says something like, “He got a bigger present than me!” we’re often tempted to try to talk them out of their feelings by offering a logical counter-argument, such as: “It’s not about the size.” But what actually helps much more is to make space for them to actually feel their feelings, by empathising. In this case you might say,

“It sounds like it’s really important to you that you get the same-sized present as your brother.”

7. Permission to create one-to-one time.

Holidays are a fabulous opportunity for the whole family to be together. But, be aware that when you’re all together, your individual children often don’t get their connection needs met. You’ll know this is happening, because your child’s behaviour will deteriorate.

So, plan in a “mummy morning” or a “daddy afternoon”. You can also do this spontaneously, if your child is getting disruptive: Invite them to have some mummy time in another room to top up their love levels. Play a game or do aeroplanes together.

When children’s connection needs are met like this, they are more likely to be able to go with the flow when they return to the bigger group.

I hope this blog has inspired you with some fresh ideas for a fun, connected holiday with your children. I encourage you to write down two or three that you would like to include in your plans. Consider how you will implement them. Who do you need to talk to?

Finally, I wish you the happiest holiday to round off this year of years, and much joy in the New Year.

To find out more about my radically loving approach and how to put empathy into practice, click here to download my free guide Solve the Struggle with your Kids.

It shares 6 Wise Parenting Powers to help you raise a secure and happy family.

About Oona

Radical love advocate | Nature freak | Perfectly imperfect mum

Oona AlexanderOona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

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Who Is the Most Important Person in Your Life?

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

So who did you think of first? Your baby? Your partner? Your mother?

The most important relationship you will have in your life is the one you have with yourself.

But let’s get real here. Not many of us have a stack of time these days to spoil ourselves. Right now, heading off to the spa or going away with the girls for a week just isn’t realistic. What’s more, most of us are so busy holding up everyone else in our lives, we barely have a minute to take for ourselves.

When someone tells me to “take care of myself”, I think: “When?”

So if doing more isn’t the answer, what is?

Today I want look a little more deeply at how you connect with yourself. Because actually, when you strip away the external ways we take care of ourselves, we have an opportunity to explore the fundamental beliefs that lie beneath. And when you know how to accept yourself – even love yourself – that’s when things really start to change.

After all, you can have all the massages in the world – but if you fundamentally think of yourself as being useless, inadequate and a failure, they’re not going to make much of a difference to your day to day experience.

Maybe it’s time to start thinking about the relationship with ourselves the same way as we think of our relationship with other people, especially the significant people in our lives. We spend a lot of mental and emotional energy on maintaining and improving those relationships. But how much positive emotional energy do you put back into yourself?

Here are 4 ways to begin to cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself.

They’re simple, free, and you can do them anywhere.

Why not pop them on a post it note, stick them to the fridge, and start reconnecting to yourself today?

4 ways to nurture your relationship with yourself

#1 ATTENTION

Developing a relationship with yourself is not selfish. It doesn’t have to be about spending more time alone. By paying attention to how you really are, you can begin to notice how you react to things, instead of jumping to feel the way you think you “should”. Try simply being mindful of your emotions as you go about your day and tuning into how you really feel. Be heard.

#2 APPRECIATION

One essential element of a good relationship is appreciation. Think of how much you do in a day! Be thankful you can do these things and appreciate your ability do them. Be grateful for yourself; for your mind, for your body, for your heart. No one else knows all the things you do – the way you take care of your team; the hours you spend worrying about people you care about; the juggle that goes on every day for you to be present for the things you need to do. Take a second to really appreciate yourself for trying, and for everything you do – however imperfectly.

#3 AFFECTION

As your relationship with yourself develops, you have to be willing to both give affection and receive affection. You have to be open to being gentle with yourself. Give yourself time, give yourself patience, give yourself love. Can you introduce some gentle physical affection too? If that feels hard, start with something small, like a lovely hand cream or a soft pair of gloves for walking are a great place to start.

#4 ACCEPTANCE

No relationship is perfect. We’ll all probably do things that make no sense as we go about improving the relationship we have with ourselves. We’ll go to bed mad with ourselves. We’ll be critical and judgmental – we’re only human, after all. But we’ll make up. Accept the relationship will have its ups and downs. Because every relationship does. Learn how to accept yourself – flaws, frustrations and all – and life will get a whole lot easier.

How about you?

How do you feel about yourself today? What small act of kindness could you do for yourself to show how much you care?

Does your most important relationship need a boost?

Love and Intimacy is a free 3-hour workshop to help you nurture the relationships in your life – with yourself, your partner, family and friends. In this warm, practical session we’ll gather to explore what challenges we’re facing in our relationships and how you can learn to overcome them.

Registration is free, and if you can’t make the live session we’ll share a recording.

Click here to sign up for your free place.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

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How to Fight Fair

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Some people argue more than others. How about you? I’m not talking about little bickers or nags over whose turn it is to change a dirty nappy but the big fights, the ones that can leave you in tears or in tatters.

The kind of fight that you can’t let go.

Whether it’s with an old friend, your mum, sister or partner, knowing how to embrace conflict as a healthy part of any relationship – rather than something to be feared or avoided at all costs – is a vital part of finding mutual fulfilment. And yet, this is something that’s almost never talked about. Today I want to share what I’ve learned about how to fight fair – and give you the 3 golden rules I use to keep conflict on track.

But first, let’s start with what I mean by “fighting fair”.

It’s probably easiest to start by describing what healthy conflict doesn’t look like.

When we don’t know how to fight fair

I must admit I have been part of some terribly unsatisfactory fights. What do I mean by that? The kind of argument that leaves you completely frazzled but with a feeling that despite the horridness you achieved nothing at all.

A pointless fight, in other words.

Too many of these test even the strongest relationship.

The problem is, if you don’t resolve anything despite an emotional confrontation, you are likely to have the exact same fight again down the road. And again. And again. Until you reach the end.

How about you? Are there certain arguments you find yourself having over and over – almost as though you’re following a script? Whatever the initial trigger, your conflict seems to end up back in the same well-worn groove?

This is a warning sign that your style of conflict isn’t working. Read on to find out how you can switch that up – and I’ll tell you about a free workshop coming up that’ll help give you the tools you need to break the cycle.

So is it better not to argue at all?

At the other end of the spectrum, there are the couples who say they never argue. This seems crazy to me!

I love my husband very much but we are different people and as such sometimes we will disagree. Neither one of us is the backing down type, at least not without good reason, so to get from disagreement to compromise can often involve a few strong words.

Or to put it another way, a fight.

If you never argue with your partner, I’m going to guess one of two things are going on:

1. You’re souls twinned in heaven who genuinely agree on everything – and deserve a relationship medal of the highest order. Leave a comment below to tell the rest of us how you achieve this!

2. There is conflict happening in your relationship, but it’s being expressed in some other way. Perhaps you tend to withdraw when you don’t agree, or you’re squashing down your feelings for fear of what might happen if you let them out. If that’s the case, it might be time to consider how to open up about those areas of disagreement without completely losing control… in other words, learning how to fight fair so that you can bring issues out into the open instead of letting them fester.

So is there such a thing as a healthy row?

I think so.

Here are my suggestions for keeping things clean.

3 ways to fight fair

1. Stay on topic.

If you’re arguing about whose turn it is to put the bins out, stick to that. If you’re really cross because their work’s taking up all of their time and you’re constantly accommodating their priorities at the expense of your own – tell them that, and make that the focus of the discussion.

Either way, now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs – and start working your way down a laundry list of all the different ways they’ve let you down over the years. It’s not fair to them, and it makes it harder for you to express yourself clearly. If you need to, agree a time to come back to another conversation. But in the moment of conflict, deal with the issue at hand.

2. Refuse to resort to name calling and insults.

It might sound obvious, but it bears restating: The point of any argument is to solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they’ll quit and you’ll win.

If you need them to understand that you’re feeling hurt or criticised, tell them that in a way that makes your feelings clear without labelling them.

If you don’t respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they’ll stop listening.

3. Avoid generalizations – and stick to the facts.

“You always” or ” you never” statements don’t reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive.

Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.

I call these my three golden rules and you know what? By sticking to them a fight can actually bring us closer together instead of tearing us apart.

How about you?

Do you have any “golden rules” for how to fight fair? Are you one of the couples who never argue? Or are you somewhere at the other end of the scale? We love hearing from you, and especially around a topic as diverse as this one – so let us know your thoughts in the comments.

Does conflict cause chaos in your relationships?

How comfortable are you when it comes to navigating conflict? Are you able to stand your ground and hear the other person’s point of view? Do you find yourself bending over backward to accommodate others in order to avoid arguing – or flaring up defensively at the slightest hint of disagreement?

At Love and Intimacy, our upcoming free workshop happening on 1st November, I’ll be sharing ways you can transform areas of tension into opportunities to deepen your connection in any relationship. I’ll also explain why we can often unconsciously bring out the worst in the people we’re closest to, and what you can do about it.

Registration is FREE and we’ll make a recording available if you can’t make it live. Just click the link below and enter your details, and we’ll send you all the info you need to join:

https://oneofmany.co.uk/love-and-intimacy/

And feel free to forward that on to anyone you know whose relationships could do with a reset!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

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2 needs that define 2020

By

Susie Heath
Susie Heath
One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.
Susie Heath
Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

All of us have needs in our lives. And in relationships, we learn to balance our needs with those of someone else  – so that we can feel we’re being supported, and be there for others in turn. Two specific needs have been deeply tested this year in particular.

If you’re in a relationship, knowing which one of these matters most to your partner can be hugely insightful when it comes to challenges you might have been facing as a couple.

If you’re single, understanding which is important to you can help you navigate what’s coming with even greater grace.

So today I want to explore what these two important needs are, and how you can find ways to meet them.

Need #1: Certainty

We can define this need as “The ability to feel certain in advance as to what is likely to happen now and in the future.” Hmm… not exactly a defining feature of recent months!

With certainty comes a level of confidence as we learn how life works, are able to express ourselves more easily in the world, and are able to achieve our desires.

If certainty is one of your top needs then safety and security are very important to you. So people whose top priority is certainty will do everything in their power to ensure that very little changes.

For example, they may…

  • Work to a budget
  • Stay in the same job even if they hate it
  • Go on holiday to the same place each year
  • Repeat the same habits day in day out,
  • Keep the house the same way (either immaculately tidy or in organised chaos)
  • Choose the same haircut,
  • Wear the same style of clothes
  • Hate surprises,
  • Get thrown if their routine is disrupted
  • Seldom step out of their comfort zone.

Are you someone who values certainty above all else?

Or do you know someone in your life who does?

How has 2020 impacted you or your partner when it comes to your need to feel certain? Perhaps periods of strict regulation and even lockdown have felt strangely reassuring, as you repeat the same routines every day – but constantly moving plans around, and ever-changing guidance has really derailed your sense of stability.

How to bring greater certainty into your life

If this describes your partner, then rather than be judgmental about them, think of this as a road map which helps you to understand why they operate in this way. The more you can give them reassurance, the happier and more relaxed they will be. Without it, all their fears come up to the surface.

If you’re the one who values certainty, consider ways you can bring more stability into your life. What small practices could you introduce to bring a feeling of control and steadiness into your world, despite the wider uncertainty? Share your ideas in the comments.

For some of us however, the downside of too much certainty is that we start to become bored, uncomfortable and stuck, because we need the opposite of certainty to provide stimulation to help us grow. Which leads us to the second

Need #2: Uncertainty or Variety.

This is where taking risks comes in, where we dare to challenge the status quo. We actively create more excitement and variety which make life worthwhile, where we open ourselves to new experiences to bring out new qualities in ourselves.

When faced with a challenge, most people run back to the area they are most comfortable in. But a combination of certainty and uncertainty generates growth as we search for answers in as yet unknown territory. This is where we explore who we have the possibility of becoming.

People who love uncertainty and variety are the risk-takers. These tend to be the entrepreneurs, the creative people, artists in different genres.

They may…

  • Play the stock market
  • Challenge the elements with sailing, skiing and diving
  • Change their jobs frequently
  • Be willing to step right out of their comfort zone
  • Hate routine
  • Argue just for the sake of it to see what will happen,
  • Love surprises
  • Go away on holiday on a whim without planning, who are spontaneous.
  • Be untidy and then enjoy blitzing the place and making it look fantastic
  • Move furniture around in the house to break with conformity.

When they have conquered a challenge, they become certain about it – so they have to stretch their boundaries even more to explore further. This is where extreme sports and outrageous behaviours can come in.

The downside of uncertainty and variety is the inability to be happy with where one is. These people may find “settling down” and commitment somewhat of a challenge unless lots of variety is built in.

Who do you know who is like this?

Is uncertainty or variety a top need for you?

How have the challenges of this year impacted your need for change? Perhaps you’ve found the need to pivot and adapt energising, even exciting – but struggled with a lack of freedom, travel restrictions, or the need to obey rules.

If this is your partner what can you do to help fulfil their need for variety? It doesn’t have to be extreme – you will be surprised what you can do to satisfy this need.

If it’s you, how can you introduce novelty and difference to your life? Perhaps there’s a new form of creativity to explore, a different way to exercise, or a new area near your home you can get to know. Learning new skills or researching a topic can also help you find that edge of learning and growth.

Your needs and your relationships

Most couples inevitably experience conflict and misunderstanding in their intimate relationships. But once you understand your partner’s core needs, you will be able to go some way towards fulfilling them.

And once you understand your own needs, you’re far more able to ask for them to be met with the help of your partner. In turn this will lead to a more conscious and enlightened relationship.

When you realise the importance of this, it also helps you to make a more conscious choice when selecting a partner, and also to realise why a previous relationship may not have been fulfilling.

How about you?

Does looking at your recent experience through this lens help you understand some of the challenges you’ve been facing? How could you support your loved ones, and ask them to support you, when it comes to balancing uncertainty and change?

We’d love to know what you think. Share your experience in the comments – and forward this article to anyone you think might find it helpful.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

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How to deal with negative people

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Who’s that person in your life… The one who makes your heart sink when you see their name pop up on your phone – or whose response to your latest idea or project is bound to deflate you? Negative people can be really challenging to handle – so today I want to share 5 quick ways to reframe a relationship that’s bringing you down.

Let’s start with something that you need to get out of the way first.

Every now and again I hear a different version of the same advice I’ve heard a lot over the years. ‘Cut out negative people!’ ‘Don’t allow negative people to colour your life!’ ‘Surround yourself with positive people only!’.

This is all good advice. If we eliminate negative influences chances are that the life we want will unfold in a more positive direction.

But what if you can’t just ‘cut them out’?

What if you have a negative boss but you like your job? What if it’s your neighbour, but you don’t want to move house? What if it’s your mother, and you’re definitely not at a point where you want to be completely estranged?

Yes, we need to create space for positive change but sometimes we have to do that by shifting our own mindset.

And if our only way to handle challenging people is to avoid them completely, we’re cutting ourselves off from interactions that might really have something to teach us.

This a great chance for us to practice compassion, patience and unconditional love!

Here are five ways to get started.

1. Use the Women’s PowerTypes to connect more effectively

If you haven’t come across the Women’s PowerTypes before, you can read more about them here. Often, a quick check in with how you’re showing up in a relationship can help you see what needs to be shifted.

  • Perhaps you’re taking on a “Mothering” role for a friend, when actually stepping into Queen would help you set boundaries that would empower both of you.
  • Have you been sharing your intuitive “Sorceress” instincts with a partner, who’s more powerfully engaged with through magnetic Lover?
  • Or maybe your direct report at work always clashes with you when you’re in “Queenly” strategy modeWhat would be different if you got into action as Warrioress before asking for their input on your project?

You could also use the PowerTypes to help you release any pent up emotion following difficult interactions.

For example, if conversations with your sister often leave you tense, you might want to consciously spend some time in Lover to fill your energy back up afterwards. If you’re stuck, ask for help in the BeOne community. We love to help each other connect to these leadership archetypes more powerfully.

2. Don’t go there.

Some people have a hard time recognising which comments are supportive and which are critical. If there’s a particular area of my life I don’t like discussing with someone I will request that we don’t discuss it at all.

Maybe you could make a mental note that you won’t bring up your career with your hyper-critical Dad, or that work conversations should steer clear of relationships.

It’s OK to have boundaries around topics, and to actively choose not to engage in conversation around subjects that always lead to hurt.

3. Be understanding and compassionate.

Especially in today’s fast-paced, unpredictable world, many of us are carrying a heavy emotional burden that can lead unthinking responses. Everybody has their own struggles. We’re all just one of many humans trying to do the best that we can. The chances are that the people we feel are hurting us have been badly hurt themselves.

This is particularly important to remember on social media, when conversations can flare up and misunderstandings are rife. Often an offline conversation is a kinder way to check in with them and resolve any lingering upset.

4. Accept them.

Sometimes we’re challenged by a desire to “fix” those we care about. When someone you love is in a repeated pattern, and you feel as though the change they need to make is clear, it can be tough to bite your tongue.

In these situations, I tell myself it’s not my job to heal them. I do not have the power to change them. If they are ever going to change they will have to do so of their own accord. The only person I am able to change is me.

Which leads me to point 5…

5. If all else fails… gather the data!

If you really can’t shift the relationship, you can at least change your experience of it. An empowering way to do that is to treat the interactions as data. So get curious. What is is specifically that “triggers” you when it comes to this person? Does that remind you of an experience in childhood, a particularly tender area of your life, or a need that’s not currently being met?

Whenever you feel emotions rising, make a mental note to log away what you’re learning.

Journal on it, use it as the basis for a coaching conversation, or if you’re part of Living the Change bring it to a group call.

Sometimes, it’s the most frustrating people in our lives who are our greatest teachers.

Loving the negative people… it’s possible!

So if you can’t cut negative people out of your life you can approach them from a place of love. It sounds impossible but try it. The toxic relationship will become charged with positive energy.

And along the way you might learn things about yourself you might never have known.

Life is too short to give critical and negative people the power to influence our direction. Cherish your dreams, learn from your relationships, and don’t let anyone stop you or slow you down.

How about you?

How do you deal with negative people? Are there some people in your life you feel you ought to cut out but can’t? Could you try changing your reaction? Let us know in the comments…

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to stay engaged without losing your compassion

By

Sam Mcneill
Sam Mcneill
Samantha McNeill is One of many’s resident digital support queen, helping us share our programs, trainings and free resources effectively, efficiently and with ease. She’s a devoted pet mom to a small menagerie of rescue dogs and cats, loves geeking out on statistics and analytics, and makes a mean veggie curry. She’s a transplant from the US currently living in Hampshire, where she dreams of one day creating a sustainable farm.
Sam Mcneill
Latest posts by Sam Mcneill (see all)

“You have no right to comment on this, because I didn’t raise you as a woman of color!” my mom told me.

All I could do was pause. With that one comment I was left feeling alienated and flabbergasted.

As a woman of color living in the United States, my mom was reeling from the impact of the recent Black Lives Matter protests. Our conversation, which had started as a standard cheerful check-in call, suddenly spiraled into a storm of opinions and emotions.

She did not want to hear what I, her mixed-race, white-passing daughter, had to say.

I found myself hurt and confused after ending our call.

After all, I believe firmly in civil rights and I am passionate about ending injustice and oppression. We’re not in disagreement, fundamentally. So why couldn’t she listen to my point of view?

It would have been easy for me to get into the defensive. Conversations with our mothers come with so much baggage attached – from their opinions on our life choices, to our inner young adult still wanting to yell “I’m an adult now! Respect me and respect my opinions!”

And yet over the next few days I realised I wasn’t the only one feeling that these pent up emotions were being fired in all the wrong directions. Throughout June, I saw many conversations on and offline ending in conflict when people had impassioned opinions that couldn’t be appropriately received or resolved.

So today, as one of many women who care, I would like to share some of what’s helped me understand communication and intent, as a mixed ethnicity American. I will also be sharing a few mindfulness tips I’ve learned along the way to help you regain a sense of peace in your life, as well as a few things that can help you positively influence how you receive others and how you project yourself to those around you.

These are challenging times

Since the start of this year things have felt like a never-ending chain of escalation. Every time you see the news there is some new horrific or shocking event happening.

The stressors seem to keep piling on and we are left feeling we’re an overflowing dam that is cracking and about to burst. The world is pulsing with humanity’s feelings of isolation, fear, anger, desperation, frustration, and depression. Social media and the internet mean we’re more connected and able to share those feelings than ever. And with every negative event and emotion, that feeling grows and starts to creep out.

For many of us, recent events have hit all too close to home

When this happens, empathy, which is one of our most distinguishing traits as humans, can sometimes become a double-edged sword. Not a single one of us wants to idle by while those around us suffer. So now, more than ever, we find ourselves manically inspired and ready to take on the world so that we can protect what is most important to us.

But have you ever heard the saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”?

In other words, when we lose sight of our values through a feeling of self-righteousness, we sometimes can find ourselves doing or saying things we’d never normally do.

Sometimes our emotions get the best of us. Even if we go into something with the best of intentions, we may find that after an assortment of twists and turns, we lost sight of ourselves or our original goal.

When this happens, it is important to take a step back and re-evaluate ourselves and the situation.

Finding perspective amidst the storm

So, with that all being said, I invite you right now to take a second. Take a deep sigh of relief, relax your shoulders, unclench your fist, straighten your back, centre yourself and give yourself a moment.

As humans we naturally have reactive and proactive natures, so when we spot something that bothers us, it triggers an emotional response and from there we tend to decide our plan of action.

Very rarely is something as simple as going from point A to point B.

We may read A and respond instinctively with B, but then we are triggered by something else to say C and then D, and maybe even go back later to add an E… and so on.

How to stay engaged without losing compassion

A visual exercise I like to use while self-reflecting, is imagining your inner thought process as a tree. Tall, proud, forever growing, ageing, and changing with the seasons. Every branch, leaf, flower, and root of your tree is its own independent thought and the collective information they provide feeds into the trunk and becomes your base.

Instead of trying to focus on every single bit of information each of your branches, leaves, flowers, or roots may be feeding back to you, try focusing on your trunk/core. Whether you focus on them or not does not change the fact that they are a part of you.

For example – how often have you found yourself in conflict with someone, when you realise you’re being distracted by the nitty-gritty of what you’re talking about?

Maybe you catch yourself arguing the finer points of your cohabiting arrangements with your partner, over exactly who said they’d put the bins out. The issue isn’t the missed chore – it’s your need to be recognised for the responsibility you take in your partnership.

Or you’re deep in debate with a team member, dissecting the semantics of the word “regards” in a discussion about whether or not their email overstepped the mark. It’s not really the passive aggressive tone you’re discussing – it’s your worry that your colleague’s commitment to the team is faltering, and that’s seeping into external communications.

For me and my mom, our shared goal is to end oppression and find a true sense of equality in the world. The real issue was whether we both want the world to change – and we do.

With that in mind, I realise that becoming defensive about how she expresses that is a tangent. A rattling leaf that misses the trunk of our common values.

Life is a journey, not a battle

So, when you find yourself overwhelmed with emotion, try asking yourself this:

What is the core of what you are looking for?

If you had to choose 1 thought out of a 1000 to sum up your vision or goal within that moment, what would that 1 thought be?

Keep it simple – restrict it to a sentence or two.

Once you have that thought write it down. In my experience, the hardest part of a personal journey is finding your path again when you feel like you have lost your way.

With that practice in mind, when you are approaching someone about something, what is the end goal that you have in mind?

And are you conveying your thoughts from your core or are you getting lost amongst your own branches?

We’re trees in a forest

It’s near impossible for us to understand every single branch, root, leaf and flower that make up each other’s trees. Especially on social media, we rarely have the full picture behind someone’s comment. Perhaps they’ve just received devastating news; had a terrible day; or spent long hours debating this issue with someone in another group.

Maybe, like my mom, they’re processing more personal experiences with inequality and suddenly feeling acutely aware of the differences between them and even their closest loved ones.

When a comment or response stings, it can be helpful to step away and take a few breaths. To come back to your “trunk”.

Regardless of who we are, or what we believe in, it is important to remember that our end goal is still to harmonise and synchronise with one another. If we did not care we would not be talking at all, and things would never have escalated in the first place.

Going into any conversation, especially around sensitive topics, it’s really important that you understand the core of your opinion or decision.

Our challenge is to stay informed and to keep engaging with the topics that we are passionate about, without losing sight of the big change we want to see.

How about you? How do you find calm and purpose when events fire up your emotions? Let us know in the comments.

About Samantha

Animal lover | Food grower | Self taught chef

Samantha McNeill is One of many’s resident digital support queen, helping us share our programs, trainings and free resources effectively, efficiently and with ease. She’s a devoted pet mom to a small menagerie of rescue dogs and cats, loves geeking out on statistics and analytics, and makes a mean veggie curry. She’s a transplant from the US currently living in Hampshire, where she dreams of one day creating a sustainable farm.

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One of many women actively standing against racism

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

“As part of my commitment to get uncomfortable in the fight against racism, I want to start right here.”

These were the words I typed into our community Facebook group this week, knowing that what I was about to write would fail. That in opening this conversation I would inevitably make ignorant, inexcusable mistakes.

But I’m serious in this commitment: I really want to know how to become anti-racist. And, even though I know I’ll get it wrong, my feelings aren’t what’s important here. It’s time to get uncomfortable and open up this discussion – so that we can make our community a truly diverse one.

The power of community – and the conversation we’re missing

Our Facebook group contains almost seven thousand women. And as we train, connect and inspire sisters around the globe I’m endlessly inspired by what we can achieve when women come together. With the impact so many of our grassroots leaders are having in their communities, organisations and families.

But the elephant in our room is race. And white privilege.

We talk about change a lot here at One of many. But we hardly ever talk about race.

And it’s not hard to know why.

Because it’s damn uncomfortable.

We have a huge community of women from many walks of life and from many ethnic backgrounds.

We also have a strong commitment to solidarity.

And yet, for so many white women, our privilege is such a tender, painful and awkward topic to address that we hardly know where to begin. It’s far easier just to stay silent.

Meaning that those who are left to think, talk and take action when it comes to discrimination and oppression, are all too often the women are the victims of it.

While those of us who benefit from that inequality – not by choice, but by the societies in which we live – are the ones who have the luxury of choosing to switch off from it.

Because it’s “too much”.

Can you see how messed up that is?

Soft Power and the fight for justice

Here at One of many we’re guided by the 5 women’s PowerTypes. The archetypes who can help us embrace and learn from even the hardest challenges.

Mother who can listen and love unconditionally… seeking to understand.

Warrioress who can fight for injustice and harness her anger as a rallying cry.

Queen who can see the horizon beyond it all and will do what’s right even if it’s unpopular.

Lover who can take care of herself in the face of it all.

And Sorceress who can work with faith in Source, life, the universe… that knows we are all interconnected.

So what can we do?

With that in mind… and from that place of Soft Power I want to explore racism. And white privilege.

In the past I had thought myself an ally, but the more I hear in recent days the less I feel that I do enough. I have started. I have conversations. I take some action. We’re actively working to make our coaching team and our office staff more diverse, for instance.

But it’s not enough.

Personally, I am becoming vividly aware that I don’t do enough. I don’t do enough to stop racism and bigotry in my wider family. I don’t do enough in our community of caring women where we could really learn and change things. It’s really, really hard for me to admit that. It feels really horrible.

But it’s not about my feelings, as a white woman. And these are things I intend to change.

If you are a white woman: listen, and take action.

Many women have shared some excellent resources in the community over the past days. If you haven’t already, read the posts, absorb the discussions, and be ready to approach our collective unlearning with humility.

And remember this, as we move forward: We won’t get this right.

None of us is perfect. We all are capable of deep care, love and understanding. And all of us capable of grief, anger and fury.

Racism cannot end with conversation alone.

But it must start here…

If you have have experienced racism and racial oppression – you don’t owe us anything.

I am immensely grateful to every one of you who stepped in to express your anger, heartbreak and frustration in our conversations this week. For your patience in educating those of us who are just starting out on this journey. I learned a lot, and I know I’m not alone. We owe you our respect, our attention, and our apologies. And I am sorry for the inevitable harm we will cause as we learn to do better.

Please, take care of yourselves, stay resourced, and step away from discussions when you need to preserve your energy.

Ultimately, this isn’t about me. There are courageous leaders in the anti-racism movement who have been fighting this fight for decades.

The last thing that movement needs is a white woman like me putting herself at the centre.

So I want to end this article with the words of just one of the women who showed up as leaders in our own community this week. 

“You can choose to lead either by your active work to dismantle the paradigm or your complicit upholding of it. I would love you to lead with courage and vulnerability and the very possibility that you might do it wrong, that people might call you out, that you may have to feel emotions and reactions that you don’t want to feel. 

Do this and it will embolden other white women in positions of power to do the same and perhaps even white men. This is your time to lead with full awareness as a woman with power and privilege.  

Lead inclusively, learn, grow and don’t expect black women and people of colour to take on the burden of teaching, increasing your awareness and educating you for free. We and our ancestors have done enough free emotional and physical labour.  

We can truly walk together when you show through your actions that you are really committed to change, when you have demonstrated that we are safe and valued as equals in your presence. Beyond tokenism and platitudes. There has been enough of that already particularly in the field of personal development. “ –Monica Douglas

I encourage you to go over to the BeOne group and read through the conversation happening there in response to my post – paying particular attention to the voices of the women who responded so passionately from their own lived experience. Let their words inform and inspire your action.

We all have our spheres of influence. It’s time for all of us to do as much as we can.

More than a social media post; more than reading a book.

My deep hope is that by using the principles of Soft Power, we can create the change the world needs to build a world that’s truly equal for all of us.

How can you be part of that change today?

Here are some resources to help get you started.