One of Many

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What brings fulfilment in life?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If I asked you whether you wanted to feel fulfilled in your life – your work, your relationships, your contribution – you’d probably give a wholehearted YES, right? But if I asked how you could actually create that feeling: what brings fulfilment in life, or how we can know when we’re fully experiencing it, you wouldn’t be alone if you found it a bit harder to articulate.

Fulfilment is the answer to making a positive difference in the world without burning ourselves out. And yet many of us aren’t really clear on exactly what we mean by it, or how we can take practical steps to find fulfilment if it’s missing. Today I’m going to share 4 powerful questions you can ask yourself to discover how much fulfilment you’re currently experiencing in your life – and what you could do to increase it.

Fulfilment isn’t static

Before we start, a quick note on one thing I know to be true: Change is inevitable. As time goes by, what brings you fulfillment will also change. So if you find yourself wondering why something you once found fulfilling seems to have lost its sheen, don’t worry: There’s nothing wrong, and you haven’t made a “mistake”.

The trick to finding fulfillment throughout your life is to choose your activities wholeheartedly accordingly to what brings you fulfilment at each stage of your life… and then when that particular season of your life comes to an end, know that you can transition, and pivot into something new. You don’t have to burn bridges or forgo commitments.

What’s your life’s work right now?

In the following questions, I use the word “work” to describe your day to day activities. At BeFulfilled, the two-day retreat where we explore these themes in more detail, we use the phrase “life’s work” as a nod to the fact that this doesn’t have to refer to paid work or a career. Your life’s work might be:

  • Raising children
  • Making art
  • Being a carer for someone you love
  • Giving back to your community in some way.

How to use these questions

You might want to grab your journal and jot down your thoughts on these 4 points, or simply sit and think about how you’d answer them. Or why not forward this article to a friend and take it in turns to ask each other these questions?

However you choose to explore, it’s worth taking the time to consider which of these ingredients might need a little more attention in your life right now. 

4 ingredients of a fulfilled life

1. Do you find MEANING in your current work?

The first ingredient to fulfilment is meaning.

Finding meaning in what you’re doing doesn’t have to mean you’re engaged in profound or even stimulating activities every moment of every day. Raising children is certainly a meaningful job, but it sure as hell involves plenty of less-than-meaningful activities – most of them involving bodily fluids.

Perhaps your work has you mired in spreadsheets or grappling with awkward clients more often than you’d like, but overall do you feel a sense of meaning behind what you do? Does it fit into a bigger picture you’re invested in – whether for you personally, for your family, or for the planet?

Which leads me to the second ingredient when it comes to feeling fulfilled:

Contribution.

2. Does your work allow you to make a CONTRIBUTION in some way?

Contribution is the feeling that you’re giving something through the work you do. That you’re making a difference to the planet, or your community, or to other people. It will look very different for everyone.

It might be voluntary work that makes a difference to your local community. A position in academia that helps move research forward. Feeling that you’re developing and growing your team into truly outstanding individuals.

To what extent do you feel that your current work allows you to give something back to the world?

3. Does your work bring you JOY?

I’m not suggesting that fulfillment can only arrive when you’re in a state of constant happiness. (For starters, I’m not actually sure that exists). But if we don’t have an enthusiasm for what we’re doing each day, it’s hard to have a sense that we’re really as fulfilled as we could be.

Joy is a feeling that many of us weren’t taught to look for in our work, and yet when we experience it, it can be a catalyst for profound change and impact that’s far easier than if you’re gritting your teeth and “pushing through” each day.

How much joy do you currently experience? How could you find more?

The final ingredient is one that feels great when we get to really experience it:

4. Does your work give you opportunities for EXCELLENCE?

Whether it’s cleaning, coaching or managing million-dollar budgets, when you’re truly excellent at whatever it is you’re doing there’s an unparalleled feeling of satisfaction that arises. Excellence occurs when your gifts, talents and abilities are utilized to the full, so that you’re really aware that you’re doing your very best work.

Excellence is something we often value greatly in others but can sometimes find it hard to acknowledge in ourselves. Try thinking about the moments when you are most “in your flow” – when time seems to pass without you noticing, and you’re fully absorbed in whatever it is you’re doing. Often, they’re the times when you’re working in your most excellent way – and can lead to a sense of intense fulfillment when you look back at what you’ve achieved.

The fulfilment paradox

Of course, while we can identify certain ingredients that can lead to feeling fulfilled, it’s also true that fulfillment is just a feeling. An emotional state. There’s no litmus test anyone can perform to decide whether or not you “should” be feeling fulfilled right now.

If you’d like to explore the idea of fulfillment more deeply, or if you’re at a point where things are shifting and you know you’re being called to adapt what once worked for you, get in touch with our team to find out what tools and programs might make all the difference.

I’d love to know what you found came up for you as you read these questions. Are there any others you’d add? Share in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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“I feel stuck” – 3 things to try

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’ve found yourself saying “I feel stuck” when it comes to a particular area of your life, it’s usually a sign that it’s time to take a closer look at what’s going on.

Yes, there are times when we can feel as though we’re going round in circles – I’ll always be single, I’ll never get a break – and then BAM! You bump into the man (or woman) of your dreams on a crowded train. Or you get headhunted by your dream firm for the role that feels like it was made for you.

But more often than not, if you find yourself at a place where you feel as though you’re stuck, the route out of it involves a little more conscious effort on your part. It’s often a sign that you’ve come up against a recurring block or pattern that it’s time you figured out once and for all.

If you feel stuck, here’s where to start

Bring to mind an area of your life where you’re feeling blocked or challenged right now. It might not be at crisis point, but it’s not thriving or growing either. You’re treading water or going in circles – it feels like you’re stuck.

For Amanda, owner of an editing business, it was her work where she was really starting to feel that things weren’t working.

“I wanted to have more of an impact, and to feel like I knew where I was going. I felt like if I slowed down, everything would fall apart – but I wasn’t going anywhere.”

Can you relate? I know I’ve had times where I’ve really felt like a bit of a “husk”– as though I’d somehow lost the juicy, energised feeling that comes when you’re connected to your calling. For entrepreneurs, that can be deadly. We need to be able to connect to a vision that enables us to get energised and creative; that will allow us to innovate and flex our businesses to meet the demands of the marketplace.

And it can happen in other areas of your life, too. Maybe your relationship’s starting to feel really stale. You’re not fighting but you’re not exactly tearing each other’s clothes off, either.

Or you’re managing your kids, but not having the kind of fun you’d like to. Coursework and teenage arguments have taken over family play times.

Whatever it is you’re stuck with, here are 3 powerful questions to ask if you find yourself feeling stuck.

Saying “I feel stuck”? Try these 3 things

  1. Ask yourself if you’re living in line with your values

One of the foundational elements of our BePowerful course is an exercise where we discover our values. It’s such an important thing to do, identifying what really matters most to you.

If you haven’t done it before, try scanning the books on your shelf – they’ll often reveal what you’re willing to spend time and energy on.

Getting clear on your values can reveal some surprising things. For example, in Amanda’s case she found that a couple of her values were in conflict. This is something a lot of us find, and it can lead to a “stuck” feeling when we find ourselves “pulled” in opposite directions.

“On my coaching call, we talked about one of the conflicts that had come up. I really wanted stability for my family, but I also wanted to be able to take risks and do things differently. So I started this little online makeup business. It’s just fun. And I’d never have done this before. It’s made me connect with so many people and have fun with it, and explore my creativity – I would never have done any of that.”

Figure out what your values are, and ask yourself if there are any that are moving in opposite directions. Maybe you’re craving adventure, but you also really value security, and you’ve ended up turning into a homebody.

How can you incorporate more of your values into your life? Can you find an outlet for any values that aren’t currently being met?

2. Do you need to do some inner work?

Amanda traced her stuckness back to a far more serious challenge she’d faced a few years previously.

“I’d got burned out a couple of years ago, and ended up with depression and anxiety. When I started BePowerful I’d recovered enough to start thinking about the future.

I’m the kind of person who reads everything. I’m always trying to learn and know more. And after being depressed, I just knew I had to start taking care of myself – especially because everyone was dependent on me.

The course really opened my eyes to the fact that, while I love the business – as editors for educational publishers we do a good job, we’re helping the next generation to learn – I’ve been doing it for a long time. And I’d lost some of my enthusiasm.

I knew what I needed to do, but I never really had the tools to do it. I’ve never been one for meditation and that kind of thing, but it’s so useful. Just listening to the meditations, some really surprising things came up. It’s been amazing. My mindset now is completely different.”

Like Amanda, a lot of us have an inkling that it’s time to explore some of what’s going on beneath the surface – and yet it can be hard to know exactly how to do that in a way that’s structured and sustainable.

Perhaps you’d like to explore 1:1 coaching so that you can work through what comes up with a trained professional.

When you’re feeling “stuck” it’s an ideal opportunity to investigate some of your subconscious blocks or inherited patterns. As Amanda realized, times of extreme burnout or depression aren’t the best time to begin doing the work of changing your mindset. But if you’ve come out of a challenging time and can’t seem to get your mojo back, getting some outside support could be the answer.

3. Are you in victim mode?

Amanda was really motivated to find some way to tap back into her proactivity. As the main breadwinner in her family, she had a powerful incentive to turn things around.

But for some of us, that path isn’t quite as clear. Instead of looking for extra support or seeking to educate ourselves about how we can change our behaviours, we can find ourselves sinking into “victim” mode. Signs you’re adopting a victim mindset include:

  • Feeling that you’re not ‘good’ enough or ‘intelligent’ (or smart, or thin, or, or…) to change your situation – everyone else can do it, just not you.
  • Blaming everyone around you for the things you want to change
  • Telling yourself that you’re being silly for wanting more, and you should just be happy that you have the things you do

Victim is one of the disempowering archetypes that many women find themselves in. It can be exceptionally hard to find your way out of it by yourself, so if you feel as though “victim” is sapping your strength do reach out to a coach to see if she can provide you with some support – or connect with our Facebook group to find free support from our community.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Want to find a new relationship dynamic? Read this

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Most of us have at least one relationship in our lives we’d like to change in some way. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about, maybe even deeply love, the other person. But when interactions start to feel like a pattern you’re stuck in, it can be incredibly restrictive. If you want to find a new relationship dynamic but aren’t sure where to start, here’s an approach you can try. 

When roles become restricting

Let’s start by looking at the kinds of situations when you can find yourself getting “stuck” in a certain dynamic.

For example, you might find that you’re constantly the one who’s mothering your group of girlfriends. Sure, you’re happy to be the designated driver once in a while. But lately it seems like you’re forever organizing things, booking cabs, holding coats and keeping an eye on anyone who’s had one too many after-work drinks.

Isn’t it time you were able to let your hair down for once?

For Madeleine, a self-employed writer, it was her relationship with her partner that felt like it needed a shakeup. Since becoming parents, it was starting to feel as though their life had become an endless to-and-fro of childcare, admin, and work.

“We’ve been together for more than a decade and have always had a lot of fun. Suddenly, our interactions felt like they’d become so functional: who’s looking after the toddler, what errands need doing, did you remember to call so-and-so… and yet when we tried to make changes, I found myself becoming defensive – and we’d find ourselves back in the same place.”

For you, it might be a totally different relationship where the dynamic needs to shift: Your boss, your colleagues, even your kids.

What relationship can you think of where you’re treading the same old path, no matter what you try?

Want to change a relationship dynamic? Try this

If you’ve noticed a sense of frustration creeping into one of your relationships, it might be time to try a different tactic when it comes to shifting things up.

Often, we can find ourselves focusing on what we wish the other person would change. If only your friends weren’t so selfish, or your boss so demanding, you’d be golden, right?

Or we focus on what’s not working in our interactions with the other person. And end up talking ourselves round in circles as we dissect our frustrations, and feel as though we’re getting nowhere.

But in any relationship, there are always two people involved – and one of them is you. That’s who you have the greatest power to change. And making that change doesn’t actually need to involve the other person at all.

The great news is, when you begin to think about shifting the way you’re behaving, it takes the pressure off trying to make the other person change who they are. (Which, let’s face it, can be an uphill battle).

Does this mean you have to stop being you?

In a word, no. It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about being a different version of yourself, so that you can start making a stand for a healthier way of interacting. And when you start to behave differently, those around you inevitably respond in a different way.

Perhaps the ever-accommodating big sister starts to say “no” once in a while – your sibling will have to figure out an alternative.

Or the workaholic supermum decides she isn’t going to pile on the pressure by taking responsibility for her team’s results and the school bake sale. Someone you might never have thought of might decide to step into your usual place.

Learning to step into a different version of yourself – to create boundaries, change expectations and start standing up for how you want to be treated – is a life-changing skill.

If you know you could do with being a bit firmer when it comes to setting expectations and drawing boundaries, check out Enough is Enough: our free guide to gracefully setting unshakeable boundaries. Click here to download your free copy.

Using the PowerTypes to find a new relationship dynamic

If you’re not quite sure what dynamic’s playing out with that one difficult person, the Women’s PowerTypes™ are a fast way to get a handle on the different “roles” you’re playing in your life.

Warrioress, Sorceress, Queen, Lover and Mother. None of us are simply one PowerType – we’re all a blend of all 5. You’re at your most powerful when you can navigate smoothly between them all, effortlessly calling on the one that’s most appropriate for any given moment.

Often, when we feel stuck in a relationship dynamic, it’s because we’re using one PowerType more than the others. Rather than having access to all your different “selves”, you’re locked in one way of behaving.

Madeleine knew that, since becoming a mother, her Mother PowerType had really come to the fore. When it came to her romantic relationship, she knew Lover would be important to nurture, but there was a surprising PowerType that she discovered was equally vital.

“Warrioress was one of the lowest scores on my PowerTypes profile. She’s all about playful, youthful energy – and I realized that I’d really been missing that in my relationship too. We’d always loved going dancing, so reconnecting to music I love to move to, and channelling some of the playful energy I’m enjoying with my son into my relationship with my husband, really turned things around.”

Change the part you’re playing, and the script will shift

If you want to find a new relationship dynamic, start by thinking about the role you might be playing, and what might feel like a more fulfilling alternative.

Making small commitments to bring out a different side to you – listening to a particular track, moving in a different way physically – might have a bigger effect than you think.

Have you found yourself stuck in a relationship rut? What helped you to change the dynamic? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How can personal development help me?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Personal development is everywhere these days – from branded journals to bestselling self-help books. But for the average woman juggling everything, it can all start to feel like one more thing to add on to your list – along with saving the world, going to the gym, and taking out the recycling. If you’ve found yourself asking “how can personal development help me?” you’re not alone.

What is personal development?

In a nutshell, personal development is any investment (of time, money or energy) that you make in yourself.

Personal development can take a number of different forms, including:

  • Profile tests and quizzes which give you insight into your patterns of behaviour and help you understand your strengths and weaknesses
  • Empowering books sharing processes or mindset shifts – you’ve probably come across a few of these
  • Workshops and trainings in specific tools like leadership, time management, or managing conflict
  • 1:1 work with a coach or trained professional
  • Practices or rituals like journalling, meditating or mindfulness

Have you come across other forms of personal development?

Sharing what’s worked (and what hasn’t) with other women is a great way for us to all expand our resources. Let us know your experience in the comments at the end of this article.

How can personal development help me?

Whatever form of personal development you decide to do, first and foremost it’s important to understand how it can (and can’t) help you.

What personal development can’t help you with

Personal development has its limits. It can’t replace technical or industry-specific training and information. If your goal is to become a brain surgeon, getting to know yourself and learning how to adopt a more successful mindset will help you manage your work but won’t replace medical school when it comes to wielding a scalpel.

And there are times when the support you’re looking for will go beyond personal development. Therapy, counselling and mental health support might be more appropriate interventions when you’re in need of deeper support, and personal development doesn’t replace those.

But if you’re looking for practical changes to your everyday experience, and tired of feeling as though you’re stuck in any area of your life, here’s how personal development can help.

5 ways personal development can help you

1. Personal development can help you stand up for yourself

You might be really clear on what’s important to you, how you want to be treated, and the way you’d like to spend your time. And yet, people in your life just seem to walk all over your preferences and, because you’re not someone who enjoys conflict, you’re not really sure how to stop them.

If you find yourself slipping into martyr mode – where you’re doing everything to make other people’s lives better and not getting anything in return – it might be time to explore how you can become a more powerful version of yourself.

Topics to explore: Confidence, boundaries, personal power, speaking up

2. Personal development can help you understand WHY things happen

Are certain patterns repeating themselves in your life? Perhaps other people never seem to respect your time and are always cancelling appointments at the last minute. Or you always seem to feel inadequate about your weaknesses, even though you know your strengths lie in other areas.

When you understand what makes you tick, and have a sense of your unique abilities as well as your challenges, you’re able to let go of a lot of energy-sucking anxiety and worry. You can look at the root cause of issues, rather than just their “symptoms”. The difference that can make in the results you achieve is often surprising.

Topics to explore: Personality profiles, mindset, habits

3. Personal development can reset your results

When you understand yourself better, you’re more able to make decisions based on your unique personality. You might choose to completely stop certain things which are always a struggle, and instead focus your energy on the behaviours which really create results.

Maybe you’re a business owner who really struggles to stay on top of your systems. Emails get lost, client details misfiled and your calendar is, quite frankly, a mess. Instead of beating yourself up for not being more organized, you might discover that your real talent lies in face to face connection and in the amazing power you have to transform individuals you spend time with. So, you decide to stop trying to “fix” yourself, hire support with the administration, and focus your energy on what you’re really good at.

The result? Outcomes way beyond what seemed possible when you were stuck wearing all the hats.

Topics to explore: Mindset, goals, how to be effective, leadership

4. Personal development can change your perspective

It’s easy for us to get stuck in “echo-chambers” or “bubbles” on social media and in our communities. When you spend all your time with people who never take a break, that can start to feel normal.

But personal development can often open your eyes to a totally different way of looking at things. Maybe your coach asks you a question about a habit you’ve never thought to question: do you really need to spend Sunday evening preparing for the work week? Would your family mutiny if you decided to order a takeaway once a week instead of cooking? Is hiring a cleaner really beyond your budget?

One of the most powerful things we can do is learn to question the assumptions we take for granted – and use them to create change.

Topics to explore: Coaching, mindfulness, abundance, mindset

5. Personal development can help you be more you

It’s easy to be sceptical about the latest “trend” in personal development, or to assume that it might lead to burning incense, hugging your boss and reciting mantras in the mirror. (All of those things are totally fine, by the way – they just might not be your style!)

The thing to remember about personal development is it’s just that: personal.

Whether you choose to start a quiet journaling habit when the kids have gone to bed, invest in a coach who can help you work out how you’re holding yourself back, or commit to a course that will change the way you think about your marriage, what you choose to do is up to you.

Topics to explore: Journalling, meditation, how to change your life

The clue’s in the name

The most powerful, successful and impactful women I know didn’t get to where they are by pushing on and ignoring their own needs. Far from a waste of your time, investing in personal development means you can make sure you’re using it in the most efficient and effective way.

If you’ve found yourself rolling your eyes at someone else’s latest personal development trend, remember that we’re all different. Taking the time to work out what will best support you might lead to something completely different – and a transformed experience.

I’m curious: what’s your take on the personal development thing? Are you a course junkie or a self-help evangelist? Or do you tend more to the sceptical side of things? Let us know in the comments.

If you’re not sure where to get started, Life’s Little Toolkit is a mini kit we gathered together of the top resources our community love to use. From how to get out of overwhelm to how to stop worrying, it’s packed with helpful advice and step-by-step tools.

Click here to download yours now – and let us know which one works best for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Can you do coaching certification online?

By

Annie Stoker

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many
Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.
Annie Stoker

Latest posts by Annie Stoker (see all)

If you’ve decided that you want to become a coach you’re probably already excited about making powerful transformation a bigger part of the work you do in the world. Naturally you’re curious about how certification works – can you do coaching certification online? Do you need to choose a residential course? And what do you need to be aware of when choosing a coaching training program?

No two coaches are the same

Every coach embarks on their journey to certification with a totally unique background, set of experiences, and motivation.

You might be planning to add coaching tools to your existing work as a manager or a leader in a corporate setting. You’re confident that coaching is going to be the missing piece when it comes to radically shifting the results that are possible – in an environment that brings the very best out of the people you work with.

Or maybe you’re ready to go it alone. You want to set up your own business and run it exactly how you want to you – perhaps offer coaching sessions via Skype or phone from your home, and you’re wondering if you could do the certification process remotely too.
Here are some things to consider when choosing the coaching certification that’s right for you.

Coaching certification online

The beauty of technology means that these days it’s perfectly possible to undertake coaching training online from anywhere in the world.

Profound transformation can take place over video call; you can observe coaching sessions and receive feedback on your own practice remotely; and trainers can answer questions, provide support and help you reflect on challenges from anywhere in the world.

Advantages

  • Convenient no matter where you are or how easy it is for you to travel: if you’ve got an internet connection, you’re good to go
  • If you’re planning on coaching remotely, it makes sense to complete your training in the same format
  • You can choose the training provider that’s right for you regardless of their location

Disadvantages

  • If you’re on the other side of the world, timezones can be an issue – always check the times of live components to make sure you don’t miss out
  • If you never meet your peers or teachers face to face, it can take longer to develop rapport
  • Completing certification from your own environment means you’ll need to be disciplined about creating the appropriate space to learn

Coaching certification in-person

In a world that’s ever more connected digitally, face-to-face interaction has a unique quality. It feels richer and more potent than ever. The connection we feel and the learning we’re able to experience when we’re physically present has a very different quality to it. And the very act of travelling to a different location can help facilitate an even deeper learning experience.

So what are the pros and cons of completing your coaching certification in person?

Advantages

  • If you’re going to be coaching in person, for example of part of managing the team, having training that takes into account your body language and presentation is invaluable
  • No need to worry about creating an appropriate place to learn – that’s all taken care of for you
  • If you’re a kinaesthetic learner, in person training is likely to match your learning style better
  • The intense nature of setting aside back to back training days, means lessons can be integrated more deeply without the interruption of every-day life
  • You’ll make closer friends with your cohort of trainees- people who will be your peer support group as you venture into your new profession or role

Disadvantages

  • There may be additional costs for travel and accommodation
  • Your choice of training provider will be limited by your ability to travel
  • Your time commitment may need to be greater

What about a blend of the two?

Finally, there is the option of undertaking a certification which blends online and off-line components. This means you get to combine some of the advantages of both virtual and live courses. For example, we teach much of our own coaching certification remotely – allowing our trainees to observe coaching sessions, experience coaching, and be mentored on their practice.

Our five day intensive, on the other hand, is held in person and live. It’s when our coaching trainees come together in person to experience deep transformation and connect with their peers and our trainers in real life. At the moment it’s not an experience we think can be replicated online, meaning our global trainees travel to the UK to experience that part of the training. (They’ve flown to the UK from Australia, New Zealand, the Netherlands, Kuwait, Switzerland, Germany and the USA so far!)

Advantages

  • Different learning styles will suit different teaching methods, and you’ll get to experience the full range
  • Learning how to coach both in person and online will give you an insight into the differences each format brings to your coaching practice
  • Travel costs and time commitment will be significantly reduced if you can complete part of the training at home
  • A live component will allow you to connect more deeply with your training provider and your fellow students meaning your post-graduation support network is profound
  • Virtual spaces to learn and connect with trainers and peers can support you wherever you are in the world, no matter where your coaching takes you!

Disadvantages

  • You’ll still be responsible for some travel, and possibly accommodation
  • Dates for live elements are likely to be planned well in advance, and might not be flexible
  • Connections that are made in person may have to be maintained online depending on your proximity to the other trainees

However you do it, coaching training is transformational

When you train as a coach, you’re learning how to use tools and techniques that can create huge transformation for people.

During coach training you not only learn to work with these tools with your prospective clients, but you also experience what it’s like to receive coaching yourself.

So it’s important you choose the environment that is right for you, and which fits with both your learning style and the vision you have for your future coaching practice.

If you’re trying to make a decision about which coaching certification to choose right now and would like to talk through what’s available with a member of our team we’d be really happy to help. Just click here to contact us and we’ll be in touch to arrange the best time for a call.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When you feel like you’re failing

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Do you ever feel like a total failure? Whether it’s messing up as a mum or dropping the ball on a key work target, when you feel like you’re failing it can be tough to pick yourself up and keep going.

And yet failure can actually be an incredibly powerful tool for growth. What makes the difference is how you look at it – and what you allow the experience to teach you.

Here are 5 ways to rethink failure

1. Are you really failing at all?

Successful women have a tendency to be really hard on ourselves. We have high standards, sure, but sometimes wanting to do things well can tip into “Superwoman” mode.

Superwoman doesn’t just set the bar high, she demands nothing less than perfection – even when it’s impossible.

If you’ve just got back from a fraught day at work, supported a team member who’s going through a really difficult divorce, met some vital deadlines, and cooked yourself a healthy meal – are you really a failure because you didn’t make it to the gym?

If your failure stems from being worn out, depleted or burnt out, it’s time to take care of yourself.

Delegate. Order a takeway. Get an early night. The world won’t end, I promise. And once you’re in a better place, get realistic about everything you’ve been doing. Perhaps it’s a case of managing your own expectations, rather than writing yourself off as a hopeless case.

But let’s say you’ve rested, nourished yourself, and it’s still there in black and white: you’ve failed at something you set out to do. What then? Time for step two…

2. What have you learned about what you CAN do?

Arianna Huffington is a roaring success by most people’s standards, and she’s been really open about the mistakes and missteps she’s made along the way. In a 2013 interview she explained how she consciously frames failure in a way that allows her to grow and take risks.

“In own life, a key component of whatever successes I’ve had has been what I’ve learned from my failures. When I ran for governor of California in 2003, it was a failure—but I learned a tremendous amount about the power of the internet.

I also learned a lot about myself, about communicating, being able to touch people’s hearts and minds, and listening. All the things that were ingrained in me during the campaign definitely had an impact in forming Huffington Post.”—Inc, 2013

Almost every failure contains some lessons about what you can do well. Maybe your first foray into event planning was a total bust. Turned out you’d forgotten some key details, totally underestimated the catering, and felt super stressed all day.

On the other hand, you might have loved the process of spreading the word about the meetup, sharing on social media, and planning the overall theme of the event.

What does that tell you about where your strengths are? What can you choose to focus on as you move forward?

3. What have you learned about what you can let go of?

The other big lesson “failures” can teach us is that we’re on the wrong path. It’s easy to get sucked into an idealistic version of what a new thing might be like.

Take starting a business – if you’re in the corporate world it might seem like a dream come true to be able to set your own hours, choose your clients and have full control over your income.

And yet when you do set out on your own, there are all sorts of other realities. The loneliness of working from home when you’re used to being surrounded by colleagues. The responsibility of setting your own strategy and targets, and then having to make sure everything gets done – from accounts to tech support. The lack of boundaries between work and the rest of your life.

Failure is a wonderful opportunity to find out if it’s time to adjust and find a different course. And the relief of deciding “that’s not for me”, instead of beating yourself up for not being instantly great at something, really is priceless.

4. What’s this failure making space for?

This mindset shift is a really powerful one.

One thing I’ve learned about failure is this: you can trust in life that if the thing you hoped hasn’t worked out like you planned, it’s usually because life has something much bigger and better in store.

When you take action, you begin to build connections and flow in an infinite number of ways. You become visible, you connect to new and different opportunities, and you strengthen your ability to take action, try things out, and make changes.

To take that last example, maybe you decide that self-employment isn’t for you. But when you started your business, you went to a bunch of networking events and met some really interesting people. One of them reaches out to you via LinkedIn because they’ve got the perfect opportunity for you in an organization you’d never heard of before then.

Failure isn’t an end point. It’s a door to something different – and you have to move through it if you’re going to get there. Which leads me to a question you might not have thought about before.

5. How can you celebrate this failure?

When you’re stinging from criticism, or churning over a mistake again and again in your mind, celebrating what’s gone wrong might be the furthest thing from your mind.

But overcoming failure is often a major precursor to our greatest successes. The only way to avoid failure is never to try anything new; never to step outside what’s comfortable and easy. And that’s never going to allow you to make the difference you’re here to make in the world.

“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. Doing what you’re afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that – that’s what life is. You might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that’s really special and if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. Now you know something about yourself”

― Amy Poehler

Whether you’ve learned something about what you love to do, or just gained some incredible clarity about what you’ll never attempt again, celebrate the fact that you tried. You’ve learned. And instead of saying safe, you’ve put yourself out there into the world. If that’s not worth celebrating, I don’t know what is.

What’s your relationship with failure?

How do you feel about failure? Are you pretty comfortable picking yourself up and getting back on track, or does the prospect of failure leave you paralysed? Let us know in the comments below – I have a hunch this is a bigger fear than a lot of us admit, and I’d love to know your take.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What to do when you’re jealous

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Who do you know who’s annoyingly perfect? Maybe it’s a friend who’s given up drinking and carbs for pre-dawn yoga sessions, and looks about ten years younger. An ex-colleague who’s  out there killing it and soaking up the praise, while you’re stuck behind the same old desk. Or the mum in the playground frolicking happily with her kids without once checking her phone or losing her temper. It’s an icky feeling, but if you recognize what I’m talking about, you’re definitely not alone. Here’s what to do when you’re jealous of someone.

A while back I joined a high level mentoring program full of scarily successful women entrepreneurs doing big and inspiring things. One of my fellow participants was a really inspiring woman, who had once been a client of mine. I’ll never forget one session where she described the way she’d grown her work.

As she spoke about her business, I remember thinking that it almost felt like watching a virtuoso performance by a concert pianist. She absolutely lit up as she shared her passion.

I took in the amazing wisdom she had about what was going well and why; the trust and sense of purpose coming through in her words; her insight into her process and the theories behind her actions.

Everything about her exuded flow and connection. She evidently deserved her success. And I’d love to tell you I was filled with happiness and joy at seeing her finding her “thing” and doing what she loved, but you know what?

Instead, I felt myself shrinking and shriveling inside. I was comparing myself to her – and the experience wasn’t pleasant.

The truth about competition

When we see someone else succeeding, it is so, so easy for a mindset of competition to creep in.

Competition is a signature ‘masculine’ energy. That doesn’t mean we don’t feel it as women, but it gives us a very different experience to when we’re connected to more feminine energy. Competition can be a really helpful tool to harness – think about when we’re aiming to beat our own performance and improve our results – but when it comes to thinking about someone else’s success, competition can actually be less than helpful.

Instead of thinking about how inspiring it was that this woman had achieved such amazing things, I was starting to ask myself “why am I not as good as she is?”

And before I knew it, I was in a state of complete insecurity. “What have you been doing?” the voices in my head clamoured. “Look how great she is, and now look where you are! Nowhere! You’ve been coasting along taking it easy when you could have been getting results like that!”

Comparison like that is a trap. If you’ve ever found yourself in that kind of mindset, you’ll know how fast it can take over. The criticism we generate for ourselves is rarely fair (in my case, the ‘coasting along’ I was berating myself for included having an actual baby, for goodness’ sake!)

And this is when we can start to get hostile towards the other person. To imagine them judging us or looking down on us. Have you ever heard the phrase “tall poppy syndrome”? It’s that thing where we see someone enjoying success and we want to tear them down, to bring them back to our level.

That kind of thinking is very much rooted in competition, because it places our goal not as rising together, but as needing to get ahead of someone else by any means necessary.

Next we start to make excuses. “It’s not fair.” or “She must have better connections”. All those mean things our brains come up with when we’re feeling less-than someone else, right?

What to do when you feel jealous

So what can you do if, like me, jealousy takes hold and you find yourself in a vortex of insecurity?

1. Replenish yourself first

It won’t surprise you to hear that the first thing I did was to take myself out for a walk. Notice those feelings; have a glass of water; get some fresh air.

Take care of your basic needs and you’ll be far better placed to respond from your higher-level self and not that lizard brain (which might well just need a sandwich and a walk round the block to calm down a little.)

2. Next, go deeper

The simultaneous curse and blessing of our insecurities is that they are the gateway to deep, rich and rewarding human connection. Any time our insecurities come up, it’s usually because we’re opening ourselves up.

So if jealousy has reared its head, don’t dismiss it or try and ignore it. You’re feeling it for a reason – that person has something that you desire. The unkind thoughts we often feel are simply a mechanism by which your mind is trying to protect you. By projecting your insecurity outwards on to the person you’re jealous of, it’s defending you from feeling inadequate or small.

Take a few minutes to connect to what you’re feeling and identify: what is it specifically that you’re jealous of? It might be deeper than you think at first, so give yourself some time to explore it.

If you’re jealous of someone’s business, what does that mean? Would you like to have the sense of accomplishment, financial success, or public profile that the other person has?

Find out what’s at the root of the feeling, and you’ll know where you’re ready to grow. 

3. Remember: they are human too

Now you’re clear about what your jealousy has flagged up for you, take some time to remember that however amazing they are, the person who’s brought these feelings to light for you is definitely not perfect. No one is!

They have their own doubts, fears, and challenges. And even if they don’t seem to have any insecurities at all, they are still on a journey of growth and evolution.

4. Recognise your own strengths

Ask yourself: What am I great at? What am I grateful for? At this stage I invite you to, literally, count your blessings!

So your marriage might not be the world’s greatest right now – but you’ve been pouring a ton of energy into supporting your team, and you know that it’s made a huge difference to their lives. Or maybe you’re

  • a brilliant problem solver
  • a calm and courteous driver
  • the best at bringing humour to the driest of meetings

…Or something completely different. Think of all the things you’re great at; all the ways you make a difference to the people around you. There are probably people out there who are jealous of you!

5. Be Vulnerable

Now, return to that desire that jealousy has opened up for you. There’s an opportunity here, for the sharing of wisdom, and for connection. An opportunity for growth, which will only come from being vulnerable and opening up to the person you’re feeling jealous of.

I use this simple script: “I see you’re great at X. How do you do that?”

They might be a great parent.

“You are always so calm with your child. How do you do that?”

Or perhaps they’re great at motivating their team.

“Your team are so loyal. I can see you have an amazing relationship. How do you do that?”

Get curious, and allow yourself ‘not to know’.

Because this is where we really find the deliciousness that lies on the other side of insecurity. Where we are able to use our jealousy to open us up to learning new things.

Jealousy can allow you to receive wisdom from others that might really transform things in your life.

Insecurity and comparison unite almost all of us at points – whether it’s hidden or overt. Learning to spot it can be an amazing opportunity to grow and learn, and is a huge part of us stepping into collaboration instead of competition when we see other women succeeding.

And that’s exactly what I did with the woman in my mastermind. I asked her to share how she achieved her amazing results – and the result was learning I would never have experienced if I hadn’t allowed myself to connect with the jealousy, and move into a vulnerable place of learning.

Could you do with more support?

It can be challenging to dig into feelings we’re not proud of, and to know exactly where to start when it comes to creating the life you really want. If you want to make the most of your time and start turning challenges into opportunities to step up and make a real impact, working with a coach is a great place to start.

Our coaches are skilled in applying our cutting edge tools and methods to help you up-level in your life, and have all been certified through our rigorous training, feedback and certification process. To find the right coach for you, take a look at our easy to use directory where you can search by location or keyword to find the right person to support you. Click here to find out more. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What makes a career meaningful?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

What makes a career meaningful? We all have good days and bad days – times when it feels like your tasks are flying off the to-do list, and others when it’s more like wading through treacle. But apart from the usual ups and downs, do you feel like your days are spent doing work that’s ultimately fulfilling?

It might sound obvious, but it’s worth emphasising: there’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to building a meaningful career.

I started my career training as a doctor – for lots of people, one of the most meaningful careers they can find. After all, it’s helping people at a really fundamental level: with their health. For me, however, it became apparent relatively quickly that while I knew I wanted to help people, it wasn’t as part of the medical profession.

Working in a career that isn’t as meaningful as it could be is often the catalyst for us embarking on a journey to discover what really is our life’s purpose.

You might have had a similar experience of shifting careers or roles. Perhaps you’ve had a break from employment, started your own business, or been a full-time mum for a few years.

Whatever your experience, here are 3 questions to ask yourself when considering whether your career is as meaningful as it could be – and what you might need to change.

1. What are your values?

What makes a career meaningful to you is not the same as it is for me. That’s because each of us has a unique set of values – the things which bring you joy, fulfillment and happiness.

For you to find meaning in your career, it needs to connect to your values in some way. (That’s not to say that you necessarily need to be working in an area that’s directly related to a value.)

For example, creativity might be a really high value for you, but you don’t need to be working in a traditionally “creative” career to express that through your work.

Perhaps you’re an engineer who excels at finding creative solutions to problems, or a teacher who brings creativity to lesson delivery. Maybe your career allows you the time and resources to bring creativity into your life in other ways – art supplies, the band you love to play in, or the garden you’re cultivating.

You might bring your values into the way you manage your team, lead your family, or run your business.

Knowing your values and exploring how they relate to your work can help you see if there are any values that aren’t currently being met at all – and think about how you could pivot to include them.

Prompts for reflection:

Take some time to think about what your top 5 values are. How are they reflected in your life right now? Does your career involve all, some, or none right now? Which ones would you like to have more of? How could you bring them into your career?

2. What’s your life’s purpose?

Granted, this isn’t a simple question, or one you’ll necessarily have an answer to at all right now. Your life’s purpose is a concept that will most likely evolve throughout your life.

I’ve heard of some people who discover their life’s purpose as a dream or a vision that descends from on high. Lucky them! For me, the process has been one of a gradual evolution and exploration.

I compare it to peeling back the layers of an onion – around each version of your purpose are ever more fuzzy versions of it, each one needing to be lived through and “burned up” to get to the next level.

So, start thinking about your life’s purpose in broad terms. Looking back at the experiences you’ve lived through and the work you’ve done so far, is there a common thread that connects them? It might be something really subtle – your values can really help here when it comes to seeing what it is.

Perhaps you’ve brought a playful energy to serious tasks – been the person who is able to inject a sense of lightness and fun to important responsibilities. Or maybe you’ve had a knack for bonding teams together, connecting people and allowing them to create fruitful collaborations.

When I first started my personal development journey the purpose I came up with was “To transform”. I’ve honed and refined that over the years, but the essence remains.

Prompts for reflection:

Take 5 minutes and play with a one-word life purpose. If you had to break down what you’re here to do into one word, what would you choose? How does it feel? How might that guide you as you think about where your career is heading?

3. How can you connect to yourself?

Getting closer to your life’s purpose isn’t something that happens overnight. It will change and evolve with time. But if you’re starting to think about what makes your career meaningful, the best place to start is to spend some time cultivating your connection to yourself.

In case you needed the reminder, connecting to yourself isn’t selfish. It allows you to show up more fully in your relationships, at work and as a parent. It also gives you a space to tap into your values, the change you want to be a part of, and the difference only you can make.

Try making space each morning to journal your thoughts and feelings. These “morning pages” are suggested by Julia Cameron in the Artist’s Way as a way to reconnect with your creativity – but you don’t need to be an artist of any kind to benefit from the space to explore what’s coming up in a private, safe space that no one else will see.

Creating a meaningful career isn’t something someone else can give you a blueprint for. It starts with you connecting to yourself and understanding what matters most to you – and taking action from that place.

Prompts for reflection

Using what you’ve discovered about your values and your life’s purpose, use morning pages as a tool to explore the level of meaning in your career. Try exploring the idea of a meaningful career in your morning pages every day for a week, and see what you learn.

Careers with meaning

Coaching is one of the most meaningful careers out there, because it revolves around connecting deeply with others and supporting them to have the impact they’re truly capable of. When you have the tools you need to make a powerful difference, the work you do can have an incredible effect on the world.

If you feel called to find out more about becoming a coach, click here to find out about our one-of-a-kind training.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Time management tools for women

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The statistics speak for themselves. In 2018, according to the UK’s biggest survey into stress and its impacts, 81% of women said they felt overwhelmed or unable to cope in the past year. (That’s compared to 67% of men). So if you’re searching for the perfect time management approach for women with too much to do and too little time to do it in, we hear you.

Staying on top of everything you’ve got on your plate is no easy task.

But all too often, the time management or productivity advice we’re given just doesn’t seem to work. Can you relate?

It’s incredibly frustrating to spend ages researching systems for getting organized and boosting productivity… only to find that the miracle new app or “revolutionary” system works for a week or two at best, before you’re frazzled and fed up once more.

The answer? It may be that the time management tools that work best for us as women require strategies that aren’t always taken into account by traditional advice.

If you’ve tried every other time management tool on the market and nothing seems to work, consider these 3 shifts to how you approach the tasks on your to-do list:

1. Stop thinking about time

One of the biggest issues with time management tools is that the clue to what they focus on is in the name: time.

It’s taken for granted that you can achieve a certain amount in a certain amount of time. So, over the course of a day, you might have 8 hours in which to complete your allotted tasks. In that case, it’s just a time of slotting them all into place… like a giant jigsaw. Right?

Not quite. At One of Many™ we’ve found it’s more helpful to focus less on the time you have available each day, and more on the energy you are able to draw on at any given time.

After all, an hour after an amazing night’s sleep, at a time of the month when you’re feeling energetic and gregarious, is going to look a whole lot different than a Friday afternoon, bloated-and-miserable hour when you’re utterly depleted and just want to crawl into bed.

If time management feels like it’s just scratching the surface, perhaps it’s time to reframe what you’re trying to achieve. Start thinking about what you need to get done not in terms of how long each task will take, but what kind of energy you need to complete it.

2. Use your cycle

When you’re looking at your tasks in terms of energy, the obvious question becomes: how can you know what energy you will have available to you, and when?

Now, there are always going to be unpredictable ebbs and flows in your energy. If you’re a parent, you never know when someone’s going to get sick, or have a bad night, and need soothing that comes at the expense of mum’s rest. There are sudden flare-ups at work, and deadlines that can leave you unexpectedly depleted – we all get sick, or have off-days from time to time.

But if you start making a note of your energy levels at different times, you’ll almost certainly start noticing a pattern or a cycle. Even if you’re not menstruating, energy tends to follow predictable waves – from the very simple pattern of having more energy early in the morning, or the classic post-lunch slump, to noticing you’re more extroverted or creative at certain times of the month.

Pay attention to your individual rhythm and you’ll likely start to see why time management tools can only work for so long. It might be that you’re enthusiastic about embracing a new system until that one week of the month when it feels as though the world’s crashing down around you. Adjust accordingly – and see what difference that makes.

3. Start saying no

This might not be what you want to hear if you’re the kind of woman who prides herself on everything she manages to get done. I get it. We want to be amazing mums, loving partners, and world changing leaders. We want to be successful and we want to make big change in our corner of the world.

But whether we’re talking about time or energy, one thing is clear: we only have a finite amount of space to do what we want to. Getting really good at discerning what you want to spend your time on, and having clear boundaries around what you don’t want to focus on, is essential if you’re going to be able to be the leader you want to be.

The bottom line is, time management is never about amassing techniques so that you can get even better at doing even more stuff that’s not important. It’s about getting crystal clear on who you are, and what your difference is to make – and getting rid of anything that actually doesn’t fulfill or serve the difference that you’re put on this planet to make.

How about you –what’s your approach to productivity and time management? Have you found tools that you love, or is there a particular aspect that’s still a challenge? Let us know in the comments below – someone else might have exactly the solution you’re looking for!

Want to get to grips with how you use your time?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and as though things are getting on top of you, then you’re not alone. 81% of us find ourselves there from time to time. So we’ve developed a really simple tool to get you back on track. It’s called the Overwhelm First Aid Kit and it’s helped thousands of women take back control of their busy lives. You can download it free by clicking here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Want to change your life? Read this first

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Whether it’s a career change, a house move, or the end of a relationship, change is hard. It’s crazy, right – you can be in a job that feels like it’s sucking your soul, an eating pattern that has you feeling like absolute crap or a relationship you know it’s time to end. And yet when it comes to actually making a big shift, it can feel like wading through treacle.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking “if it were that easy to change, then I’d have done it already!” then read on – I’m going to shed light on the huge thing that might well be holding you back from turning the change you crave into real action.

Why is change so hard?

When we get bogged down by our fear of taking action it’s usually because we’re being held back by something deep. Something internal, something which we’re often not even conscious that actually impacts us.

And that is shame.

Shame is an amazing emotion for controlling us. When we shame somebody else, it’s often an attempt to stop that person from doing something that embarrasses us.

I remember using it as a teenager. When my father took us out for dinner he had a tendency to be really obnoxious with the waiting staff, and it used to drive me crazy. So I would make fun of him and how he was with the staff because I didn’t want him to embarrass me by treating people in a way which I didn’t agree with. I was consciously trying to lever the power of shame to force him to change.

That’s how big a tool shame can be. The trouble is, as we grow up most of us experience it not as something we’re using (hopefully we’ve developed slightly more advanced ways to communicate our values with those around us!) but as the invisible block that stops us moving forward.

How shame blocks change

When we’re looking at changing our lives, it’s usually because we want to make our life more aligned with who we are.

We want to experience more joy in our life, in our work, or in our relationship, and we know instinctively that the path to more joy is to be more of ourself, to be more authentic, to be more vulnerable.

But to be more authentic, and to be more vulnerable, actually means showing more of ourself to the world.

Even declaring the change that we want to make: “I want to make my green smoothie everyday because I know that will make me healthier”.

…Is quite possibly to be met with a reaction we don’t want. So the commentary swirls round in your mind…

“Will my colleagues think I’m crazy because I want to make a green smoothie instead of grabbing a giant sugary latte like I usually do?”

“Is my husband going to have a go at me because I want to spend a small fortune on a blender?”

Or maybe you really want to have sex more frequently, and that’s the change you’re gearing up to try and make. What will happen when you tell your partner that’s an issue for you? How is that going be met? What will they think?

When it comes to changing something in your life, whether it be your lifestyle, your intimate relationships, or even stepping into more leadership at work, all kinds of fears come up.

It  brings to light who we are at the core, and what is authentic to us. And in doing that we’re also shining that light into what others don’t know about us, and that can really trigger shame.

If you’re thinking about making a career change, you’re saying “this is no longer working for me”, to your family, to your friends. It’s like saying “look – here’s who I really am, and it’s not this.”

The unspoken question then becomes, “Well, who are you? And are we going to approve?”

Because when we step into our true selves, when we declare more of ourself to the world, it brings out who we are.

We get exposed at a deeper level, and that can really cause us to be open and vulnerable to criticism, to be open and vulnerable to shame.

And if we’re still bringing and carrying a lot of shame from our past, that we’re not even conscious of, then it can stop us from making those changes.

Moving past shame

Frankly, it doesn’t matter what anybody thinks about whatever it is you want to change. If it is more authentic and more aligned with who you are. If this new habit that you want to bring into your life. (This new job… new relationship… whatever.)

If it’s more aligned with who you are at a deep and individual level, then absolutely you should do more of it, but you have to move through vulnerability to get there.

If you’re thinking about making a big change and wondering what keeps getting in your way, one of the things I highly recommend doing is watching Brené Brown’s great TED talk on vulnerability.

One of the things she says, if we want to experience more of the positives, and the richness, the joy and the love… All of that great stuff happens on just the other side of vulnerability.

And to get through vulnerability we have to go through shame.

We often numb ourselves from experiencing shame with things like alcohol, drugs, too much sex, too much work, too much exercise. All things which will block us off from having to feel vulnerable, and move through to this more joyful place.

To become leaders, we need to move through vulnerability

What we need to do as women who are growing, as women who are stepping into leadership, which is an incredibly vulnerable place to be, is we need to get okay with whatever we’re feeling ashamed of, and let it go.

We need to step into our vulnerability.

We need to open up to the opportunity of feeling ashamed or embarrassed again. Because on the other side of that, lies the change we’re feeling called to make: and the impact we are truly meant to have.

If you could do with some support to open up and create a big change in your life, then working with a coach might be the answer you’re looking for. Helping women move through big changes and overcome the subtle, self-sabotaging shame that can stop us in our tracks is something coaches specialise in.

No idea where to find the right coach for you? Click here to access the One of Many coaching directory. You’ll find skilled, trained coaches specializing in supporting women in everything from career to health, and a whole lot more – or you can search for someone in your area.

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