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Guest post: What to do if self-love is hard

By

Emily Jacob

Emily Jacob is a coach certified by the ICF, and a Master NLP Practitioner. She is an author, speaker, and founder of ReConnected Life, helping women to go from living a half-life, one day at a time, and living their full, whole lives again.

Through ReConnected Life, Emily helps women all over the world in her supportive community, and through her online programmes and individual coaching. Her Taste of Recovery programme has been licenced by RSVP, and is helping to support survivors whilst they wait for counselling resource.

Emily is a graduate of Lead the Change, and a One of many certified coach.

Latest posts by Emily Jacob (see all)

Does the idea of loving yourself feel confusing, challenging, dangerous – or even impossible?

Today I want to share what to do if self-love is hard, and give you some practical steps you can take to start to reconnect to yourself.

For many of us, accessing our inner Lover PowerType can feel like a real challenge.

Maybe your parents were filled with their own self-loathing and couldn’t model what self-care or self-love looked like.

Maybe you were bullied by others as a child and internalised the idea that you were the failure they said you were.

Maybe it was something worse, that left deep scars.

Or maybe you’re stuck in Martyr, and loving yourself, or taking care of yourself, feels indulgent when there is so much to do, and other people to take care of.

Whatever the reason, we can feel so much resistance to letting go of the learned self-loathing – and we don’t feel we deserve to feel better anyway.

The secret is, the self-loathing patterns that we are holding onto so tightly were built for a reason: protection.

And so to start the journey of letting go, and letting in love, we have to learn to trust that we are no longer in need of that protection. The good news is that there are some steps we can take that will help to build that trust and open up to letting in self-love.

Step One: Prioritise Yourself

The first step is to acknowledge that you are resistant to prioritising yourself and your needs, and that you would like to change this. This might seem obvious, and yet it is one of the hardest things to do. For someone who has a lifetime, decades often, of an armour that has built tight around themselves, an armour that was built for survival, the concept of unlocking that armour is terrifying.

You will probably have hidden the existence of this armour of self-hatred in a cloak of self-deprecating humour; or in being brash and curt, perhaps angry, attacking first; or being the quiet one in the corner, always smiling, always agreeable. It might be so much a part of you that you don’t notice it anymore; except the idea of prioritising yourself feels wrong.

Say out loud: I want to be able to prioritise my needs (whisper it, you’ll be starting to put yourself first already).

Step Two: Build Your Self-Care Rituals

By explicitly acknowledging to yourself that you want to change, you will have put your amygdala on high alert. Change is uncomfortable, and change that requires letting go of that which we believe has protected us from further harm feels dangerous. Therefore, step two is about calming the parasympathetic nervous system, and reducing the alarm bells that are ringing loud.

There are many, many ways to do this, and you will find what works best for you by experimenting with different methods.

You may already have developed your go-to soothers for those times you’ve felt under attack in the past; this step avoids those which indulge your self-loathing (eg. eating or drinking to excess, cutting, over-working or exercising) and instead emphasises those that start to build self-care.

Here are some ideas:
• Long, soapy baths – maybe add some Epsom salts, or essential oils and candlelight
• Meditation
• Yoga, or other body calming exercise (if you have a history of trauma, be careful with exercises that focus on the pelvic area)
• Getting out in nature
• Doing some craft work, or art

And the simplest is breathing, deep and long, connecting into all of your five senses, grounding yourself into the Now.

You may want to stay within this step for a while, until your self-care muscle is sufficiently strong, so that you know you can self-rescue if you ever need (whisper it, you’ll be starting to trust yourself).

Step Three: Begin to Heal Yourself

It’s a myth that once broken we will forever be broken. That is simply not true, although it is a very powerful myth that can keep us trapped in Victim and unable to access Lover for a very long time.

When we start to explore inside ourselves with curiosity and no judgement (tip, practicing meditation in step two will help tremendously with this), we start to see clearly that what happened in the past to trap us in the self-loathing armour was not our fault.

You were not to blame

The process of this exploration will be different for us all, and for some it might involve accessing the support of a counsellor or coach. Or, you might choose to work on your healing yourself.

Regardless of how we process the unravellings of the layers of armour, peeling layer after layer, we must recognise that this can mimic the trauma, and so feel traumatic and re-traumatising: it is not then that caused the hurt; it is now that is processing the hurt and enabling the hurt to be let go. (This is why we practice step two for as long as it takes to develop trust for self-rescue and don’t dive straight into healing).

If you are working on healing yourself, journaling is a super-simple practice that I recommend to my clients that you can do for yourself.

In the One of many world you might have heard of Morning Pages; this comes from Julia Cameron’s seminal work, ‘The Artist’s Way’, and is a way of connecting with the unconscious to re-engage the creative spirit.

Journaling, or writing down your thoughts and feelings about the things that are hurting you, bothering you, or causing triggers for you, has been proven to help heal.

Dr James Pennebaker at the University of Texas demonstrated that just writing for thirty minutes about something that was causing shame could have positive health benefits even six months later.

‘Opening Up by Writing it Down’, written by Dr Pennebaker with Dr Joshua Smyth has many exercises and examples to help guide you through this process.

You’ll find that regularly accessing your Mother PowerType to soothe your inner hurt part will also be of great value to you in your healing journey (whisper it, your healing has already started).

Step Four: Grieve For The Lost You

Oftentimes I observe that people are still holding onto the hurt of having lost the person they were before: the refrain of never being the same again is one I hear a lot. Yet, to enable us to love ourselves, as we are now, we have to let go of the person who we were.

We can honour that version of us who was hurt, acknowledge we loved them, and grieve for them. It is when we have grieved, that we are able to move on with our lives, loving ourselves fully.

When you have grieved the version of you that was hurt, and grieved the things you missed out on because of the hurt, grieved the different version of you that was lost, and the loss of all the versions of you that you might never now be, then you are really honouring all of who you are (whisper it, you are loving you).

Step Five: Love

Once you have moved through the grieving process, you’ll find that you are naturally embracing the whole you, the you that you love and accept, unconditionally. You have found self-love, and now you can Be Love.

PS. The myth that you can’t be loved until you love yourself is entirely false. Loving oneself feels out of reach to so many people; and yet, many, many people who don’t love themselves entirely do find love, and are very happily partnered. Don’t buy into the myths that exist to make us feel less than.

About Emily Jacob

Emily JacobsThe survivor coach, living her ReConnected Life.

Emily Jacob is a coach certified by the ICF, and a Master NLP Practitioner. She is an author, speaker, and founder of ReConnected Life, helping women to go from living a half-life, one day at a time, and living their full, whole lives again.

After overcoming PTSD, she still did not feel ‘whole’ and could not trust that she would not fall into the abyss again. Whilst learning the tools and techniques involved in neuro-linguistic programming she started to understand how to rebuild herself; and through her lightbulb moment of the critical importance of the mind-body connection, Emily knew she had found her formula for living whole after rape.

Through ReConnected Life Emily helps women all over the world in her supportive community, and through her online programmes and individual coaching. Her Taste of Recovery programme has been licenced by RSVP, and is helping to support survivors whilst they wait for counselling resource.

Emily is a graduate of Lead the Change, and a One of many certified coach. To find out more about the work Emily does, visit her site ReConnected Life, or book a no-obligation discovery call by clicking here.

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Guest blog: Behind the mask of perfect motherhood

By

Danusia Malina-Derben

Danusia Malina-Derben is a serial entrepreneur and straight-talking consultant advising Boards and C suite clients on their Strategic leadership.

She is also founder of School For Mothers – an inspirational movement modernising motherhood one ambitious mother at a time.

She is mother of ten children including ‘her last baby’, triplets of five years old. Find out more at www.schoolformothers.com.

Latest posts by Danusia Malina-Derben (see all)

This is a guest blog by Danusia Malina-Derben.

“How DO you do it?”

This question requires an answer. It’s the missing piece of a puzzle that strikes the mind of many women I meet, especially when they learn I’m a mother of ten as well as an entrepreneur. I meet hundreds, possibly thousands as I speak all over.

The answers I could give identify my choices, how I see myself and therefore how the world might see me. And I don’t know how often I am asked this question, but I do know if I had a £1 for every time I’d be a wealthy woman, for sure.

The One Woman Conference: Taking off the mask

At the One of many One Woman Conference I was asked that question maybe 30 times in one music pumping, celebratory wisdom-fuelled, central London half-day. I didn’t attend the whole two day affair but I suspect those who did walked on air because of the high octane input.

The One of many panel discussion I took part in moved all of us in the room that day. Tears were shed as Meenal Sachdev shared about sickening child trafficking and slavery.

We were stirred by Dr Eve Hepburn and Elaine Wilkin’s mental health struggles that birthed incredible projects to support young women and those suffering with ME and Fibromyalgia. So when it came to me, in a way, all I felt I could offer was myself.

My voice, fully human, with frailties, brimming with belief for us all as we forge forward.

That’s not to suggest I don’t acknowledge the impact of my consulting work at C-suite level. It also doesn’t mean that I’m somehow shying from visibility or self-appreciation. It’s the very opposite.

It’s because I know my worth that I’m willing to be myself and show up as a remarkable-ordinary-accomplished-messy woman. It’s crucial for those of us invited onto panels and keynote giving sessions, to crack the myth of seamless life: That we wake up glossed and groomed, embodying serenity.

Breaking the myth of perfection

Let me give you a live example of my route to the conference to demonstrate this.

Having driven from the Brighton coast more than half an hour away to avoid the weekend replacement bus system I discovered the train station car park was closed. The guy at the car park was disinterested in sharing where cars could park. I mentioned I hadn’t a clue about the area and couldn’t miss my train. Gesticulating across a maddeningly complex road system he smiled and said, “Good luck, love”.

I called my eldest daughter and had what can only be described as a mini meltdown. Drama isn’t one of my life’s side dishes, yet somehow I leant full into histrionics. Did I mention the torrential rain?

As I made my way back to the station, my carefully chosen conference outfit – ankle boots, bare legs, backpack and flashy dress – proved quite the combo, as it garnered white van driver beeps. I was not amused. The trek to the train left my dress sodden, and composure deserted me.

From Victoria I had one last mission to accomplish before taking my place on the One of many stage. It was allegedly an easy task but one I managed to make an almighty ‘cock-up’ of. My assignment was to locate House of Fraser and present myself to a make-up whizz at the Mac counter. I’ve forgotten to mention my face was cleansed bare.

Being a navi-guesser rather than a navigator (despite using my iPhone with map) I circled around the station in several directions. Cue another meltdown and accompanying wobbly lower lip.

The superb assistant at Mac declared me a woman of great joie-de-vivre energetically, while slapping on far more product than I ever would have chosen. Internally I was almost beside myself as she slowly tried out strobe creams, blushers and the like. I all but ran from the shop, accosted a postman for directions and made the hotel with about 3 minutes to spare. A swift throw on of tights in a cramped loo by reception left me stage ready. Just.

The minor tribulations of my morning served to test me. They also allowed me to sit before an audience of 500 amazing women with humility uppermost in my soul. I can take my mission and purpose in life seriously, but certainly not myself.

How do I do it? 3 tips

When women ask me how I do it, truthfully I can tell them. Along the way, I’ve learned a thing or two about how I can make the difference I am here to make without finding myself swallowed up in logistics, doubts or trying to do it all.

Three of my most treasured tried-and-tested tactics are:

1. Ask for help.

I’m never too proud to admit when I need extra support so I can direct my energy where it’s most needed. From childcare to helpful postmen, I wouldn’t have been made it to the One of many stage were it not for the people I asked to support me along the way. We can do anything we want to – but we can’t do it all ourselves.

2. Let go of perfection

My face might not have been how I wanted it. I could have done with catching an earlier train. There are countless things, every day, I could do differently. But none of the women in the audience were there to judge my makeup skills, and showing up matters more to me than conforming to a timetable. I choose to focus on what matters, forgive myself for the mistakes I make along the way, and let go of the rest.

3. Go with the flow

Life’s too short to spend time wishing reality was different. “If only…” is a dangerous phrase – and it can stop women in their tracks, who tell themselves they’d love to make a real impact… but they have kids, or they’ve been out of the workplace too long, or a myriad of other reasons. I’ve longed for a simple life as much as the next woman, but the truth is I wouldn’t really exchange the glorious complexity of balancing family life – while trusting I can still have an impact – for the world.

In part that’s why I’ve founded School for Mothers (SFM). Because I DO know how mothers can retain and grow themselves as women of great talent and impact, while at the same time raising happy families.

Sadly though we’ve a global epidemic of exhausted overwhelmed mothers with many (often secret) wishes and ambitions for themselves. These same women are struggling to navigate selfhood and motherhood without monumental tension. We’ve all been fed lies that it’s either our children, or ourselves that can flourish.

So I’m calling time on archaic outgrown models of motherhood and instead heading a movement to modernise this. It’s exciting, it’s needed, and mothers are joining together for ourselves, and future generations.

Go ahead, ask me again how I do it because I’ll tell you it’s messy. I’ll tell you it’s only make-up deep and always about a daily emotional surf ride. And I’ll also tell you things are on the change for Mothers.

If you’d like to hear more about this, our first one-day event, SFM Live, lands in London on 17th November. Click here to find out more. Because one thing’s for sure, we’re in this together. It would be so good to share this day with you.

About Danusia Malina-Derben

The Straight-talking Consultant and Mother Of Ten!

Danusia Malina-Derben is a serial entrepreneur and straight-talking consultant advising Boards and C suite clients on their Strategic leadership.

She is also founder of School For Mothers – an inspirational movement modernising motherhood one ambitious mother at a time.

She is mother of ten children including ‘her last baby’, triplets of five years old. Find out more at www.schoolformothers.com.

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How to support a friend with burnout

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Research from Montreal University earlier this year revealed once more something most of us are anecdotally aware of: women are far more likely to suffer from work-related burnout than men. Even if burnout hasn’t affected you directly, you’re almost certain to come across a woman experiencing it at some point: whether it’s your sister, your cousin, your old school friend or that colleague who never stopped working (until she had to).

So when it strikes, how can we make a difference to the amazing women around us who find themselves at the point of burnout? Are there things we can say or do to help support each other and avoid getting to it in the first place?

It’s worth noting that if someone you know is having more serious challenges, or isn’t being supported in any other way, it’s important for them to receive appropriate help. That might mean talking to their GP, accessing Occupational Health support via work, or contacting a professional who’s equipped to give them the support they need.

But outside of that, woman to woman, there’s an awful lot you can do to make a real difference to someone who’s struggling. Here are 5 places to start:

  1. Listen

I mean, really listen. Not while you’re scrolling through Facebook; not while you’re ‘just finishing this one email’. Turn off your devices, go somewhere quiet if you can (or use headphones if you’re on your mobile!) and give your friend the space to talk about what’s going on. In our Women’s coach training, we call this “devoted listening” – and it’s such a powerful thing to do.

For lots of us, resisting the urge to dive in with suggestions can be challenging. When we’re used to solving problems, from sales strategy to screaming toddlers, we can find ourselves locked in “solution” mode.

But feeling heard and acknowledged is a really important part of fostering true relationship, and in allowing each other to connect to our own wisdom.

So make some time to listen, and allow your friend to share exactly what’s happening for them, without interruptions.

2. Practice observation

When you’re talking to someone who’s going through burnout, it’s really important to give them space to talk. What can also be helpful is to get curious – put yourself in “observer” mode. Your aim isn’t to interrogate or criticise them, but you can gently reflect back what you’re noticing or hearing.

For example, you might notice that as they talk they’re repeatedly referring to times when they dropped everything to deal with someone else’s emergency.

Lovingly pointing that out, without emotion or judgment – “It sounds as though you’re often having to chair the team meeting at the last minute when Fred can’t make it” rather than “God, Fred’s always letting you down isn’t he?” – can be a really respectful way to help them connect to their own guidance.

The other important thing to bear in mind is our tendency to want to help others, which can often come in the form of “rescuing” them from a situation by taking it on ourselves.

Needless to say, adopting their stress as your own won’t help either of you. Powerful listening and gentle reflection of what’s happening is the most compassionate way to get truly present to what’s happening, without disempowering or patronising.

3. Signpost where you can

As your friend talks, it may become clear that there’s somewhere they could access more help from.

Maybe they’re finding it hard to stand up for themselves and set boundaries; they could really do with someone to delegate household chores to, or they’re in need of an amazing PA to share some of the business load with them.

When you’re in the thick of things, just looking for a solution can feel like a mountain to climb. With their permission, ask if there’s anything you can do to help them find the support they need.

Be specific – “Would you like me to find the phone number of a local cleaner who could pop in for an hour a week?”, for example, or “Shall I ask my amazing accountant to email you about setting up a meeting?”

Your aim isn’t to add more things to your friend’s to-do list – and if what she needs is time to rest and do nothing, it’s really important to respect that. But if you can help her connect to the support that could really make a difference, you might find that’s the greatest gift you can give.

4. Come back to Love

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are our guides to stepping into our uniquely female leadership – and Mother is the PowerType that’s most compassionate and caring when it comes to the people in our lives.

Healthy Mother energy is able to hold unconditional love for those close to us (without depleting herself or moving into self-sacrifice.)

That means letting your friend know you’re there for her, you value her, and you love her just as she is – no matter how she’s feeling, or what she thinks she’s failed at.

It’s also important to remember to take time to replenish yourself. If you’re taking care of someone in your life, it can be emotionally exhausting, so make sure you give yourself space to fill up and restore your energy.

It will enable you to be the best support possible for them as they move out of burnout and back to healing.

5. Help them stop it happening again

Many women in our community describe burnout as a wake up call – and a catalyst for them to make changes in their life to stop it happening again.

When the time is right, helping your friend to explore the lessons a challenging experience has brought them, and reassuring them that they’re not alone in having gone through it, can be a really kind thing to do.

Whether it’s shifting careers, balancing responsibilities or restoring healthier boundaries, knowing we’re supported by others has a huge impact on our recovery, resilience and ability to thrive after a setback like burnout.

Are you a natural helper?

If you’re a born supporter who loves helping women get their mojo back after a challenge, or be kind to themselves during times of stress or burnout, have you ever considered becoming a coach?

Coaches help women with all kinds of challenges – overwhelm and burnout are just one of them – and training to provide this kind of support can lead to an incredibly rewarding career if you enjoy interacting with and empowering other women.

You can find out more about our Coaching Certification program by watching our free online training, The Secret To Coaching Women – click here to book your spot.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to get over mother guilt

By

Thea Jolly

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many
Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.
Thea Jolly

Latest posts by Thea Jolly (see all)

This article is by Thea Jolly, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea’s mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves – because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world. And today she’s sharing 5 simple ways to get over our guilt.

How much time and energy do you waste feeling bad about your parenting? Do you second guess your decisions, worrying about saying no and upsetting your children, or do you try to please everyone, despite it compromising what you believe in? Or perhaps you experience a constant low-level guilt about not being the ‘Perfect Mother’ and being able to Do-It-All.

Welcome to modern motherhood – and indeed, modern womanhood. Even if you’re not a mum, the steps I’m sharing with you today are incredibly powerful when you apply them to any situation you find yourself feeling guilty about.

Often our guilt is in direct proportion to the expectations we have of ourselves, of the bar that we set ourselves. And in some areas it’s just too high.

When we are at our best we are light-hearted and happy, following our intuition, allowing life to flow and opportunities for growth and nurture to unfold. Guilt gets in the way of that.

So how do we stop? And how do we let our softer, natural, more effective Mother out to play?

5 ways to deal with mother guilt

1. Call it out.

The first step towards change is to notice what is going on. As the saying goes, knowledge is power, and self-knowledge is the ultimate power.

Start noticing whenever you feel guilty about something and instead of ruminating, say to yourself:

‘I’m noticing I’m feeling guilty about x, and that’s OK. I’m a human being feeling a human emotion.’

This labelling helps you to distance yourself from the guilty thoughts and emotions – like an observer who’s not so personally involved – which reduces their power over you.

2. Notice your stories.

Every second of the day we are interpreting the world around us, through our bodies and minds. None of those interpretations are true – they are just one of many realities that we create depending on our mood, our beliefs and a million other filters and factors that affect our neural connections.

When guilt strikes, ask yourself what story you are telling yourself.

For example, I’ve noticed that I often feel guilty about feeding my children processed pizzas. If I stop and ask myself what story I’m really telling myself the answer might be:

I’m telling myself that good mums never feed their children pizza, and that because I’m not making time to cook meals from scratch, I’m a bad mum. I’m telling myself the story that all other mums cook healthier meals than I do.

I’m painting a black and white picture where pizza is bad and no-pizza is good. I’m telling myself that my children will get obese, and develop diabetes and die early from cancer because I’m not a good enough mother and it’s all my fault.

I’m also telling myself the story that it’s too hard to do anything else and that I’m stuck here feeling bad about feeding my kids pizza every Friday.

Written down, I’m sure you can see how untrue this story is. There are elements of truth – processed pizza isn’t the healthiest of meals – but the extrapolations and meanings I’ve taken from it are not true.

I won’t kill my children with pizza. There are hundreds of habits and factors that will affect my children’s health. There are thousands of moments that will contribute to my parenting, and most of them will be nurturing and positive.

Start questioning the stories you are telling yourself and make a conscious choice about whether to believe them or not.

After a while you will notice your favourite stories, and will be able to say to yourself: Ah, that’s my ‘I’m a bad mother story’, ‘I can’t cope story’, or ‘pizzas are evil story’ and let it go.

3. Know your values and boundaries

Sometimes guilt is a response to actions that occur because your boundaries are being crossed or your values are being compromised.

For example, I’ve realised that for me personally my pizza story was a sign that I wasn’t living in line with my values. I believe in fresh, wholesome food and while my family generally eats this way, I know in my heart that the balance has slipped more towards convenience and extra treats than I’d like.

And so I have to ask myself: what could I do that will make me feel more in integrity with my values around feeding my family, while also acknowledging that I’m busy and don’t always have the time or inclination to cook?

Then, because I know that I’m working towards a better balance I can reassure myself when the tabloid ‘Bad Pizza Mum’ guilt rears its ugly head.

4. Get into your Queen PowerType.

One of the biggest surprises for me when I started working with the 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ was how effective being in the Queen PowerType is for the difficult moments of parenting.

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are the powerful role models we use at One of many to tap into our strongest feminine leadership, and the Queen is just one of them (the others are Warriroress, Sorceress, Lover and Mother).

A Queen just knows what to do. She leaves all the self-doubt and second guessing to others and calmly and confidently states what is needed in any particular situation.

And she doesn’t do guilt. She looks after her needs, is aligned to what she wants for herself and her family and knows what the right action is.

So when guilt strikes, stepping back and asking ‘What would a Queen do/say?’ is often enough to reassure yourself that what you are doing is the right thing.

When my children complain about not liking certain meals I cook, I can go into Queen, align myself with my values of health and vitality and calmly say ‘This is what is for dinner today.’ No drama. No guilt.

5. Let go of responsibility

This might sound weird for a mum, but honestly, if there is one thing I’ve learnt during my parenting journey it’s that we are not responsible for our children’s happiness.

As harsh as that sounds, it is not our job to manage their emotional well-being.

Obviously we do our best to be compassionate, caring, inclusive, loving, nurturing and all those wonderful qualities of Mother, especially when they are young.

We can encourage them along the way to managing their own emotions – but we only hold the space for their journey, and cannot force it to play out a certain way.

When we try to cajole, influence or control the well-being of others so that we can feel better it can be counter-productive. You can only lead with integrity, not force your family to follow you.

Next time you are feeling guilty ask yourself: ‘Is this my responsibility?’ Quite often the answer is no.

Are you simply feeling bad because, naturally, you don’t want your child to feel bad?

You are responsible to act in accordance to your highest values of behaviour (i.e. respect, love, enthusiasm, integrity etc.) and to the vision you have for your family.

How your children respond is not your responsibility, it’s their opportunity to learn and discover themselves.

My children are now 16, 14 and 11. They are old enough to know what foods are good for them and make their own decisions. I can teach, model and provide a balanced healthy diet but ultimately I have to gift them the responsibility to look after their own bodies and health.

I can also choose to acknowledge with compassion, that this letting go is sometimes scary, extremely annoying, fraught with arguments and mistakes on both sides, but that ultimately it’s what being a mother is all about.

Finally, it’s important to note that sometimes guilt is appropriate.

Maybe you’ve behaved in a way that wasn’t your best self. That’s OK. Guilt is there to prompt a response: to make amends, apologise or change a habit. But when guilt itself is a habit, linked to who you are, not to how you are behaving, it might be slipping into the arena of shame – which is not useful for parenting in any way (but that’s a whole other blog post..).

How about you?

Thea Jolly: How to get over mother guiltDo you experience “mother guilt”, or do you recognise some of what I’ve described here in your life outside of motherhood? We’d love to know your experience of guilt and whether you find these strategies effective when it comes to coming past it – leave a comment and let us know.

Thea is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Thea, and how you can work with her, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What self love is not

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The concepts of “self love” and “self care” get talked about a lot in personal development circles. You might catch yourself thinking that you really should be doing more to take care of yourself, or show yourself love. (Feeling like a failure about your lack of kindness to yourself kind of defeats the point, don’t you think?). At One of many we have a very clear take on self love, and how it fits into our lives, so today I thought I’d break down 3 important distinctions to make when we talk about self love – and what self love is not.

Self love is not selfish

It’s a common assumption that loving yourself is a selfish or narcissistic tendency, when the opposite is true. Being able to accept yourself for who you are – imperfections included – is a really important step in becoming someone who’s able to be generous and forgiving of others.

The fact is, constantly feeling inadequate, or experiencing feelings of shame, doesn’t just affect you. Getting caught up in insecurity takes your energy and focus away from the things you’re here to do – whether it’s making a difference with your career, your family or your community.

Learning how to love yourself might in fact be one of the most generous things you can do.

Self love is not something you have to do alone

A bubble bath, a good book… our stereotypical images of self love often involve us being alone, and for good reason. Time to ourselves is a precious commodity in this hyper-connected world.

But learning to love yourself can be something that’s far easier to do in a group of likeminded others – people who can really appreciate your special qualities, and reflect them back to you.

On our retreats, and in the training we lead for coaches, many women experience for the first time what it’s like to be seen and truly appreciated. Even within the lively community of our Facebook Group it’s remarkable how much lifting up there is of one another; how much appreciation for all the hundreds of tiny unseen acts of courage we show in our daily lives.

If you’ve been trying to find a way to love yourself in isolation, maybe it’s time to connect with a safe community of women who can help show you what you’re missing – the things others notice that you might never have stopped to appreciate.

Self love is not a luxury

When you need comfort, reassurance, or just some time to rest up after a setback or a blow to your confidence, it’s really important to be aware of how you can best take care of yourself. That doesn’t have to mean having a full-on spa experience when things are going well and you’re feeling sky high. (Though that sounds lovely – sign me up!)

It’s also about noticing when you could do with a bit more rest, and choosing to have an early night. It might mean standing up for yourself when it comes to your demanding boss or needy friend, setting clear boundaries, and claiming some space for yourself.

Self love can be choosing to get up and have a glass of water when you need a break; making sure your kitchen’s stocked with nourishing food when you know you’ve got a busy few weeks coming up, or spending time with a friend who lights you up.

The Women’s PowerTypes™ perspective

At One of many, we use the Women’s PowerTypes™ as a tool to help us understand where we need to grow, and as tools to help guide our expansion. We each have a unique “profile” reflecting the PowerTypes we most easily embody, as well as those we find more challenging to step into.

These 5 powerful PowerTypes help us to show up fully as ourselves, whatever the situation, as well as showing us where we might want to focus our attention to see the biggest results when it comes to making change.

Each of the PowerTypes™: Warrioress, Sorceress, Mother, Lover and Queen – contains aspects of self love. Whether it’s honouring our playful nature, trusting in the mystery of the universe, or knowing we have the capacity to make great decisions, loving yourself starts by knowing that you are able to step into your power whatever the circumstances.

The two PowerTypes™ most relevant to self love are Lover and Mother.

When we’re in Mother, we are infinitely empathetic and compassionate. At our best, these qualities allow us to nurture ourselves as we do everyone else in our orbit. But when this aspect of our personalities is over-expressed, we can tip into the martyr, neglecting our own wellbeing to support others.

This is where the PowerTypes of the Lover comes in. Sensual and pleasure-seeking, she reminds us to honour our physical needs and delight in the world of the senses.

To find out more about the PowerTypes™, download our free guide to the Women’s PowerTypes™ – it’s part of Life’s Little Toolkit, our secret weapon of 5 free resources to help you through whatever life throws at you.

Click here to download it now.

And share your take on self love in the comments – how do you take good care of yourself in your day to day, and what tips would you give any woman who’s finding it a challenge?

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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I love my kids, so why do I shout at them?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It’s something every parent has surely found themselves wondering from time to time: I love my kids, so why do I shout at them?

If you don’t have children, there’s probably another example you can think of.

You adore your partner – so what was with those sarcastic words that came out of your mouth when they asked an innocent question about your plans a few weeks ago?

Or maybe you find yourself responding with surly monosyllables in conversation with your Dad one Sunday afternoon. Are you forty, or fourteen right now?

I’m sure you can think of an example from your own life where you found yourself lashing out at someone you know you care very deeply about. It can be so frustrating. You know you’re a capable, confident woman deep down. So where on earth does she disappear to at these times, and what can you do to get her to return?

You’re not alone

First things first, you are most definitely not alone. Sit down for a glass of wine with any mother and she’ll probably confess to moments when she really wasn’t proud of the example she was setting to her kids.

Sit down with a glass of wine with me, and I’ll confess to moments of the same.

We all have times when we slip into a mode that’s not really who we are, or who we want to be…

One client I talked to at one of our retreats told me abut a recent time when she’d totally lost it with her husband. “I was cruel and mean,” she told me, thinking back to the way she’d lashed out at him. “And it wasn’t even over anything big.”

At One of manywe refer to these unhelpful responses as coming from disempowering archetypes, and there’s three that most of us identify with at one time or another.

3 ways we lose it with our loved ones

1. There’s the Bitch – cutting, maybe even sarcastic, and always unkind, she’s the sharp tongue that snaps at your kids when they’re taking far too long to get ready; the tone that has your partner running for cover, or the look that makes your colleagues wish the floor would swallow them up.

2. The Victim is that stroppy teenager part of you – the girl who just thinks life is so unfair, but that there’s absolutely nothing she can do about it. In victim mode, we throw up our hands and declare that everything’s out of our control. It’s all other people’s fault, and you might as well just curl up in a ball and give up. Nothing you can do could possibly make a difference anyway, right?

3. The final sister in our trio of despondency is the Martyr. Her signature is to pile up her plate with task after task, responsibility after responsibility, sacrificing her own wellbeing for everyone else – and simmering with resentment about it. She’s the last one to leave the office and the first to volunteer for an extra duty, with a big sigh to make sure everyone knows how hard she’s working.

Breaking free of the disempowering archetypes

Crowning all 3 of these is the archetype we call Superwoman. She’s the woman trying to juggle everything: her home, her relationship, her work, her self-expression… doing it all, by herself, with no one else’s help. She simply doesn’t have a stop button.

Superwoman runs on pure adrenaline, most of the time, and it’s no surprise that when we push ourselves to be in superwoman mode for most (or all!) of the time, we can find ourselves heading for exhaustion, sickness or burnout.

What’s going on?

Knowing these archetypes is a really great way of starting to be able to get to a more resourceful place – one where you can actually begin to anticipate times when things are going to get tough, and maybe even change your behavior ahead of time.

In our BePowerful program we use an exercise called “trigger tracking” to begin to notice exactly when we tend to move into the archetypes that least serve us.

For my client who’d shouted at her husband, she identified quickly that she was moving into”bitch” mode. And the trigger was nothing to do with her husband – it was a looming work deadline that sent her into a tailspin of stress that was directed at her nearest and dearest.

What you can do

So if you find yourself yelling at your kids, it’s likely that you’re moving into one of these disempowering archetypes – and that might well be because Superwoman is showing up in your life.

Here’s how to gently retire these ladies from your day-to-day life.

1. Forgive yourself

When you’ve shouted at your children or said something unkind, it’s easy to let that drag you into self-recrimination: “I shouldn’t have said that”… “I’m a horrible person”.

Start by forgiving yourself. We all have off days; we’ve all said things we wished we could take back from time to time. Apologise to the person you snapped at, if that’s appropriate, and then move on. This is a prompt for you to take a closer look at yourself and see if you can change the pattern.

2. Notice what happened

Get curious about what it is that flared up, and what happened just before it to prompt it. Was it, like my client, a reminder of a pressing work deadline that had you worrying you might fail – a touch of “imposter syndrome”? Or did your partner inadvertently remind you of an insecurity about feeling accepted?

Kids can be great at pushing our buttons, completely without meaning to – and with no idea of the reaction they’re going to get.

Identifying your “triggers” isn’t about going into victim mode or blaming others for setting us off. But it can help you give those closest to you clues about times you’re likely to feel tense, and give you a heads up that it might be time to prepare for stress to come up.

3. Take care of yourself first

The bottom line when temper flares is that your needs aren’t being met in some way. Perhaps you’re run down and exhausted, and you just need a rest. (If you’re completely overwhelmed, our overwhelm first aid kit might be just the thing).

Or there might be some historical emotional patterns that are asking for your attention. Working with a coach or through a program like BePowerful is a really gentle, supportive way to take a look at any area where you know you’re not feeling at your best, and learn new strategies to make changes.

How about you?

Do you know you have a tendency to flare up at certain points? What are the triggers for you, and how do you work through them – letting the people in your life know when you have a pressing deadline, perhaps, or giving yourself an extra time buffer in between appointments so you (and the kids) can decompress? Share what works for you in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

 

 

 

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What are the Women’s PowerTypes™?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Depending on how long you’ve been with us you may or may not be aware of one of the central tools in our work – the Women’s PowerTypes™.

Allow me to explain a little…

For far too long the only way we have thought we can be taken seriously and get results in the world is to behave like Superwoman. Strong, capable, dominating, often frantic, inefficient, scary…

She is the one responsible for our burn out, our relationship issues, and our lack of joy.

So if being Superwoman isn’t the answer, what is?

Allow me to introduce The Women’s Powertypes™

We believe we need a new kind of power to be the leaders the world needs us to be.

We need a new kind of power to lead the fulfilling lives we want to lead.

A power grounded in collaboration, not competition. A power of co-operation not coercion. A power centred in replenishment not depletion.

At One of many™ we call this new power, “soft power”.

And because so few of us have role models of this way of being, we use the Women’s PowerTypes™ to serve as our inspiration and guides.

Work with the PowerTypes™ and you will not only be strong and effective, but also true to the softer aspects of your nature.

You’ll be taken seriously, without having to take yourself so seriously.

You’ll achieve more, without burning yourself out.

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ we work with are: the Warrioress, the Lover, the Mother, the Queen and the Sorceress.

Let me explain each of them a little for you, and perhaps you can start to hear which may be your Primary PowerType™.

The Warrioress

Energetic and youthful, the Warrioress is characterized by her commitment to fighting for justice. Like the mythical Amazonian woman, she’s courageous, independent and quick to act. With the strength of a tigress she looks after her own. Others admire her raw energy, but she can be hard to keep up with.

She leads through cause & participation

As a leader you will find her standing alongside her fellow teammates, with her sleeves rolled up, getting involved. She leads by example, often by being the best, or most dedicated and others run to keep up with her.

The Lover

The Lover is characterised not just by her sensuality and sexuality, but by her enjoyment of emotion, feeling and a love of life itself. She’s the source of life, of creativity. She relishes in the exploration of the world through her five senses, and delights in giving and receiving pleasure in all domains. She is the centre of our own self-care and knows how to take care of herself, and not burn out.

She leads through invitation & appreciation.

Rarely denied, as a leader the Lover is captivating and magnetic. Her invitations hold the promise of a rich experience and she is thus able to tempt others to coming on board with her. She showers her team with gifts, appreciation and experiences that delight the senses. People follow her because they love her.

The Mother

A woman does not need to have children to have a robust Mother PowerType. Always available to provide a space of safety, warmth and solace, the Mother is where we all go for nurture and nourishment. She is patient and kind, mothering not just her children, but all children and the planet. She is always looking to bring out the best in others. She will sometimes sacrifice her own needs for those she identifies as her family. She is centred in the earth energy of late summer.

She leads through love & encouragement

As a leader the mother uses gentle encouragement, teaching and coaching as her tools of choice. She patiently works to bring out the best in every member of her team, certain in the knowledge that everyone’s contribution is valuable and important. She looks to the wellbeing of her team, and supports them to take care of themselves.

The Queen

Comfortable in leadership and certain of her place in the world, the Queen epitomises grace and dignity. She is deeply committed to her realm, and holds a clear vision for what she desires for those in it. People are fiercely dedicated to her vision, and will often lay down their lives in the service of her ideals.

She leads through vision & inspiration

Perhaps the most obvious “leader” PowerType the Queen is happy to be in charge and have the final say. She inspires loyalty, service and dedication not because of who she is, but because of the powerful vision she holds for the team. People are driven to provide for her needs, as she holds the space for greatness for all. She provides unbiased guidance and sanction, order and structure. Her team members will often work beyond their own limits to provide for the vision, and exhaustion and burnout can ensue.

The Sorceress

Connected to a higher power, the Sorceress knows that magic and miracles happen in the every day. She understands and works with the bridge between the seen and unseen. She’s highly innovative, and facilitates transformation. She is naturally curious, searching for information, wisdom and knowledge. She is a master of her chosen technologies. She enjoys her own company and her daily life abounds with ritual.

She leads through faith & wisdom.

With her belief that “everything is possible”, her team admire her magical abilities to see solutions, or come up with new ideas. She always has the right piece of knowledge and knows just how to apply it. Because of her deep understanding and connection, her team will follow her advice and defer to her wisdom. She works powerfully with the energies between team members knowing that the energy of the group ultimately impacts the outcome.

Which Women’s PowerType Are You?

Ever since we started teaching these Women’s PowerTypes™, women have been asking “which one am I?” Well- the good news is you can now find out!

We have developed a comprehensive profiling tool so that you can discover which PowerTypes™ you’re great at, and which you’re, well, not so great at (and why that’s important…)

What’s more, we’ve created a three-part mini-training to help you debrief your profile and understand the significance of your personal PowerType™ makeup to your work, your relationships, your health and vitality.

Discover your unique personal and leadership strengths with our brand new Women’s PowerTypes™ Profile.

The Women’s PowerType™ Profile is just One of many tools we have created to help unleash your bold and courageous leadership.

And that all starts with understanding your potential.

 

Discover your true path to bold and effective leadership by taking the Women’s PowerType™ Profile test today.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The power of living your rhythm

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever watched people surfing? The really great surfers read the rhythm of the ocean, sitting on their boards and chatting when the waves pull back, then jumping up in perfect timing with those big gorgeous waves that crash forward. They know that there’s a time to sit still and a time to jump up on the board, and they don’t try to do one when it’s time for the other.

Now what do you think would happen if a surfer tried to jump up on the board after the wave had already passed by? Nothing much. Or what if they tried to sit still when the wave was coming through? They’d have to fight hard not to get pulled under.

So many women do this very thing.

As women, we’re all naturally rhythmic beings — we go through biological and energetic cycles every month, whether you’re menstruating or on the pill or menopausal, it doesn’t matter, you still go through a cycle. You start out feeling really high energy on the first week of your cycle, then things slow down into a more sensual, grounded energy, before entering into a “harvest time” energy and then ending in a very calm, still energy (usually during your period) before going right back into high energy.

Think about it in your own life: have you found that there are times of the month when you feel totally drained, just blah about everything, then the next week you might feel like you’re running at 150%? That’s your rhythm at play.

But because we’re used to working in a predominantly masculine paradigm, we often ignore our rhythms and end up working against ourselves, just like the surfers who don’t read the waves.

The good news? It doesn’t have to be this way.

Once you start really tuning into your body and recognising your rhythm, you can start working with the natural ups and downs of your rhythm, instead of working against it, which just makes everything so much more difficult. And this is where the ritual comes in — when you know your rhythm, you can create a series of rituals for yourself in which you enter into whatever archetype is best suited for that particular part of your cycle.

For instance, when you’re in that high energy part of the cycle, that’s a great time to tap into your Warrioress. This is a great time for new ideas, starting projects, getting out into nature, that kind of thing. As you move into the next stage (ovulation, if you’re menstruating), you can enter into your Lover energy and enjoy that sensual, empathetic side of yourself.

The next stage, which is the week after ovulation if you’re doing that, is perfect for your Mother archetype — you can really deepen into thoughtful conversations, see the details in a project, and work steadily at things before transitioning into Sorceress, which is a time when you’re really connected to Source, really intuitive and discerning. Finally, it’s time for the Queen during that last part of your cycle, where you can have that calm knowingness that comes with overseeing your kingdom, delegate things that need to be delegated, and think over the insights you’ve gotten during your Sorceress time.

Your turn

Living in your rhythm is incredibly powerful — in fact, I’d say it’s essential for living a fruitful life. But of course, you have to know what your rhythm is before you can start living in it, which is why over the next month, my challenge to you is to just track your energy every day. Don’t judge it, don’t try to change it, just observe it. What’s your energy like, on a scale of 1 – 10, each hour of the day? And what type of energy is it like? Are you feeling really creative, or ready to look over finances, or really sociable?

The more you track, the better picture of your cycle you’ll get — and then you can start to actively plan your daily activities around your cycle so that you’re tapping into the best energy for those tasks. (And if you want help with this, then check out BeFruitful, where I get really specific about how to do this).

Try it out now — what does your energy feel like now? Share below in the comments!