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Why self care is a priority for leaders

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

For leaders who are serious about having the impact they want to on the world, self care is a priority that’s not to be ignored. I don’t just mean leaders in the ‘traditional’ sense – CEOs, politicians, founders. If you want to set a great example to your kids; be a force for change in your team, organization or small business or simply feel proud to set your own course in life, this needs to be at the top of the list.

Self care and soft power

Soft Power is the term we use at One of many to encompass a whole range of principles and behaviours, which together form a new paradigm of female leadership.

Top of the list?

Soft Power principle #1: First, replenish yourself.

It’s the mantra our team repeat to ourselves when things get hectic; it’s what our coaches teach their clients; it’s what the leaders in our programs support each other to do, time and again.

And yet, something funny happens when we start to understand the importance of taking good care of ourselves. If you’re not careful, you can begin to notice some unhelpful behaviours creeping in…

3 reasons self care can slip down the list

1. Perfectionism creeps in

You don’t have the full hour you wanted to go to that yoga class… so instead you stay slumped on the sofa, scrolling through your phone.

The heavens open right before your grand hike in the countryside – may as well catch up on some work emails instead, right?

Or you commit to sessions at the local pool, since swimming’s the one place you can clear your head, only you need a new costume. And nothing fits. So that time to yourself slips quietly off the calendar, never to return…

Part of our challenges around self care can often come when we imagine a “perfect” scenario for what that self care will look like. Uninterrupted quiet, a partner who’s thrilled to give us time to ourselves, a world that runs smoothly and on time. It doesn’t exist, right?

  • Are you letting perfectionism get in the way of doing any kind of self care at all?
  • How could you consciously choose to lower the bar and make “good enough” self care better than none at all?

2. Superwoman takes over

Superwoman is the archetype of our times. She’s the high achieving, always-on, success-at-all-costs woman who to put it bluntly, is on a fast track to burnout.

Sometimes, she shows up in our self care with a focus on competition and “success”.

Never mind going for a walk – she wants to sign up for a marathon, and set a ridiculous sponsorship goal while she’s at it. If you’re thinking of eating a bit more healthily, she’ll be the voice in your head telling you nothing but a 3-month juice fast will do. And so on…

Take a moment to think about how you’re taking care of yourself. Is it in ways that feel delicious, restorative and precious to you? Or has Superwoman snuck in and slipped on your cape?

  • Try brainstorming a quick list of 5 minute ways to practice self care. Deep breathing, a mindful cup of tea, a stretch, a silly text to a friend… what would fill you up?
  • Set three alarms throughout the day, and pick one from the list. Setting micro-goals like this can help disrupt Superwoman, and start building the habit you need.

3. Life takes over

Probably the most common reason we find ourselves in bad habits when it comes to self care is a very prosaic one. Life just… happens. We make good resolutions, create time, feel great. Then there’s a work crisis, a family drama, or you get super excited about a new project – and before you know it, the calendar fills up.

We all move through cycles and seasons of busyness and activity in our lives.

Don’t beat yourself up, if you’re noticing that things have slipped slightly.

Do take the opportunity to check in with yourself, and take action if you need to.

Hold yourself accountable, and schedule in self care like the priority it is.

Use those around you to support you: Tell a colleague you’re going out at lunch; join a class or book in for a massage.

The overlooked side of self care

One thing it’s important to remember is that self care doesn’t always look like those stereotypical images of long baths or massages.

  • Sometimes, self care might mean getting training in an area of life that’s making you anxious, whether it’s your relationship or your finances.
  • It’s asking for help from your boss when you’re sinking under your schedule; not checking email when you’ve finished work.
  • Saying no, even when it’s met with resistance.

Self care is fundamentally taking care of you – and other people won’t always be happy with that. Managing their reactions, and holding fast to your own priorities, is an art that leaders must cultivate.

You might have heard me talk about self care from the perspective of the Lover PowerType – this beautiful, magnetic, sensual aspect of female leadership.

And it’s true; self care can mean gorgeous robes, spa days and walks in nature; it arises spontaneously when we’re deeply connected to our love for ourselves and our own needs.

But self care is just as applicable when we’re accessing our “Queen” PowerType – decisive, strategic and making the best decisions for her “realm”.

After all, for a Queen to be Queen and leading her realm, she has to prioritize self care.

You can’t have a burnt out, overwhelmed, knackered Queen.

So what does she require her realm to do? Get her the best doctors, chiropractors, nurses and dentists – the best possible care in the realm – to look after her.

She has to accept that as part of her duty, if she’s going to be able to be the figurehead she needs to be.

Every leader needs to take self care seriously

Need a hand setting boundaries?

If you could do with some support to create effective boundaries without feeling like you’re letting people down, take a look at Enough is Enough.

It’s our free guide to creating unshakeable boundaries with grace, and you can download it right now by clicking here.

How are you doing… really?

Let’s have a quick check in, ladies – how are things with you right now? Flat out and flailing, achieving what you need to with grace, or somewhere in between?

Share in the comments, and leave a message of support for anyone who could do with a hand. We’re all in this together!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest post: What anxiety really feels like

By

Abigail Athaide

Abigail Athaide

Abigail has over 20 years experience in relationship marketing having worked with clients within Global FTSE 100 companies, animation, film, nutraceuticals, education, and within her own companies. She currently works within the marketing and strategic arena of her family’s global business developing their interests in publishing, art, property, finance and agriculture.

Her family’s vision has been to create viable legacy businesses which supports culture and community. These are achieved through their umbrella company called “Village Sanctuary” with locations in Goa and Kenya, where they have built a thriving art, culture and heritage centre for residents, artists and the local community. In their first year alone the project welcomed over 1000 children from the local schools to explore the village of artists, workshops, crafts, a live radio station, and food venues.
Abigail Athaide

Latest posts by Abigail Athaide (see all)

Standing on the tube platform at South Kensington, a feeling of overwhelm came over me. I felt hot, light headed, wobbly on my feet, but unable to move – as though my feet were welded to the floor. I could see and hear everybody around me, but they were moving in slow motion. It came from nowhere, and there was nothing I could pinpoint as a trigger. I was in my twenties and it wasn’t until some years later that I identified that moment as a “panic attack”. So this is what anxiety really feels like.

In my forties, it happened again. This time it felt like hitting a wall. I was emotionally spent, going through the emotions of nurturing my son, running my businesses, keeping the house going and dealing with difficult neighbours objecting to a planning application – a saga which had lasted over a decade.

What anxiety really feels like

To the outside world I was ‘functioning,” but it was getting harder and harder. My emotional resilience to silly things was off the scale, and I would quickly lose my temper and my perspective. I didn’t want to socialise, and every time I went out the fear of others talking about me, or bumping into the neighbours or somebody I knew was crippling. I would break out in a cold sweat, feeling as though my knees could collapse from under me.

My sleep pattern was completely erratic and I was medicating my emotions with food, sugar, caffeine and wine and isolating myself.

I realised something had to change – but I had no idea where to start.

So I started by saying “yes!” to something completely out of my comfort zone in my current frame of mind.

The Power of “yes!”

A lady I had met once invited me to the One Woman Conference, as she had a half price ticket. We agreed to meet there, so I arrived to face the first of many fears – walking into a room full of hundreds of women. Oh my goodness – I had no idea what to expect!

I sat quietly at the back hoping I could just be invisible and thinking, well at least this is going to be a family pass for a weekend away in London.

That weekend reignited a healing journey for me. I realised that for too long I had neglected myself. My emotional tank was completely empty and I needed to rediscover what would fill that up for me.

I distilled this into one word: “reconnection”.

I had disconnected from my mind, body and spirit and needed to reinvest in those areas. Just like a bank account my emotional account was overdrawn and I hadn’t discovered a strategy to deposit and save energy.

My journey to reconnection

I discovered one of the most important elements of my recovery from anxiety: food.

Food is a huge passion of mine, but as I began to pay closer attention to my energy and moods I noticed something interesting. When I’m feeling crap and disconnected I gravitate towards bland food, crisps, cheese, “love in a bag” – sugar. It’s as though my taste buds are in “neutral”. I avoid colour – in the way I dress and the way I eat.

At first, I believed that my emotions were affecting my gut. But then I began to question if it might actually be the other way around. What if the emotions were the last link in the chain, and perhaps the “disconnection” started in inflammation in my gut?

The gut/brain connection

According to growing research, the vagus nerve is the longest nerve in the body. It runs all the way from the brainstem to the part of the colon that helps regulate many critical aspects of human physiology, including heart rate, blood pressure, sweating, digestion, and even speaking.

Learning this was an “aha!” moment. So this was the gut/brain connection that I kept reading about. Turns out, there was truth to the saying “gut feeling” – and it’s a physical connection, not a metaphorical one!

I kept reading about gut bacteria that live in your body naturally and help your intestines break down food. One fact I love is that the average lifespan of a bacterium in your microbiome is 20 minutes. That means you have the opportunity every time you eat to begin to change the population of your gut!

I decided it was time to Marie Kondo my gut and control my hormones, particularly cortisol, as my adrenals were exhausted. A blood test revealed that my vitamin D levels were non-existent.

Gradually I came to understand that the food I ingest is a metaphor for life, and how I view life. Think about it for a moment: Are you eating to exist, or eating to truly enrich your life and support your purpose?

I learned that a healthy gut would reduce inflammation in my body as a whole, and replenishing my good bacteria would allow me to process foods better as well as, critically, allowing me to absorb the mineral and nutrients in the food I ate. In turn, that would support my emotional resilience… at least that was the theory.

Testing and experimenting to find what works

I researched and I talked to friends and family and most importantly trusted my intuition – my gut. I took a number of natural supplements for the symptoms I felt needed to be addressed urgently, kept a detailed food and emotional diary… and slowly I found myself a new normal.

My husband is a natural pharmacist, and as I learned more and more about the importance of nutrition we were inspired to begin a new project together: “The Naked Pharmacy”, providing 100% natural remedies and supplements backed by science and expert advice.

The supplement that made the most difference to me was one called “Saffrosun”, made from organic saffron. I literally felt like the sun had been turned on inside me within 7 days and I just felt lighter and calmer, and as though I was able to make better positive decisions overtime. It tackled my overworked cortisol levels taking it in the morning when the cortisol levels were the highest allowed them to adjust to a balance over the day allowing for better restful sleep. The ripple effect of better cortisol for me was I lost weight, felt more energised and my brain fog was eased.

One of my favourite colours is orange so I instinctively loved this spice in cooking, but never realised that there was genuine historic and scientific evidence for its use for emotional balance – and that it contained vitamin D. Even now, 2 years later, it still works for me. I will take it and within an hour feel aware that my breathing is calmer and I feel more balanced.

As a One of many woman, I also connect with the Women’s PowerTypes, relating them to the chakra colours and integrating them as foods and clothes to support how I’m feeling. So if Lover is orange, and we’re struggling with self care, it might be time to eat more salmon, mangoes, and oranges and integrate spices such as turmeric and saffron.

How about you?

If you know what anxiety really feels like for you, and maybe you’re ready to make a real change, I urge you to take stock in a gentle way and discover your internal body and its relationship with food.

Start today and have a good look at yourself and ask “what’s working in me and for me, and what isn’t?”. Gently and with curiosity, park your preconceived ideas and set aside what other people have said, what you have read, what works for so-and-so, and reconnect with yourself.

You are unique. A unique collection of experiences, DNA, emotions, and food history.

As part of your routine you might find it valuable to keep a detailed food journal which doesn’t just monitor your food or drink in-take, but your moods, the weather, moon cycles, when you eat, who do you eat with? It’s the way we live and the way we are that creates our health – not just the food!

Patterns may emerge that can help you understand what supports or triggers an emotional state such as anxiety and how that manifests for you. Perhaps you’ll be able to discover tools that can support you holistically, so issues don’t escalate – and you can leave feelings like stress and anxiety behind.

Meet Abigail

Spice Queen | Recipe inventor | Inappropriate giggler

Abigail Athaide - she shares what anxiety really feels likeAbigail has over 20 years experience in relationship marketing having worked with clients within Global FTSE 100 companies, animation, film, nutraceuticals, education, and within her own companies. She currently works within the marketing and strategic arena of her family’s global business developing their interests in publishing, art, property, finance and agriculture.

Her family’s vision has been to create viable legacy businesses which supports culture and community. These are achieved through their umbrella company called “Village Sanctuary” with locations in Goa and Kenya, where they have built a thriving art, culture and heritage centre for residents, artists and the local community. In their first year alone the project welcomed over 1000 children from the local schools to explore the village of artists, workshops, crafts, a live radio station, and food venues.

Find recipes and read Abigail’s blog at www.reconnection.kitchen.

For a special discount at The Naked Pharmacy as a member of the One of many community, simply go to the website www.thenakedpharmacy.com and use the code OOM20 for 20% off all products – or just call Kevin for advice.

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When self care feels like a chore

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When you’re working flat out just to stay on top of your responsibilities, self-care can feel like one more thing you don’t have time for. If your idea of self-love is crossing the final item off your to-do list – and maybe getting 8 hours sleep to celebrate – today I’m sharing 5 simple steps to try. When self-care feels like a chore, it’s a sign that it’s time to go back to basics, and these simple actions won’t take more than a few minutes out of your day.

If self-care feels like a chore, you’re not alone

Given the media clichés of women lounging in fluffy towels, stopping to grab a coffee with girlfriends, or getting ready for “date night”, you might be surprised how many of us struggle to connect with the idea of taking even a few minutes of time out just for us.

In our recent interview with Sarah Jane Volkers, a graduate of our Lead the Change program, she shared that before finding One of many “I was shocked (can you believe this?) at the idea that you might buy yourself a cup of coffee when you were out shopping – you know, just rock up and take 5 minutes to yourself without anyone else to treat or talk to!”

But self-care isn’t necessarily what you think. To understand why, it’s time to introduce an important Women’s PowerType™ – The Lover.

The Lover and self-care

At One of many we use 5 powerful female archetypes to support our holistic approach to leadership. One that many successful women struggle to connect with is The Lover.

If your Lover PowerType is under-expressed, you might find that life feels like an endless round of rules, discipline and obligations. It might even seem as though your days are “grey” or “monotone”, made up of tasks to be achieved and crises to be dealt with. Relationships, especially intimate ones, can feel stagnant or stuck and taking care of yourself or experiencing pleasure probably falls even lower on the priority list.

We often assume that stepping into our “Lover” means reconnecting to our partners, but the foundation of Lover is in your own experience.

It’s the PowerType that allows you to take care of yourself, and experience the fullest joys of life. The Lover finds pleasure in every sense, whether it’s a delicious scent, an exquisite meal or a piece of music that transports her to a different time.

So learning to embrace The Lover is the perfect way to discover your unique path to self-care. It might have nothing to do with the clichés you’ve seen… or you might find that, as you learn to connect to yourself, you surprise yourself with activities you’ve previously sneered at.

Remember, keeping an open mind is vital. When we’re running in “Superwoman” mode we often switch off from the parts of ourselves that aren’t harnessed to our productivity. So even if it feels silly at first, try building some of these suggestions into your daily or weekly routine, and what subtle differences you start to notice.

5 ways to love yourself when self care feels like a chore

1. Find the music that lifts your heart

Music is an incredibly powerful tool to change your emotional state and allow you to connect to different feelings. In just a few minutes, you can start to connect to parts of yourself you might have long forgotten.

Think about pieces of music that spark emotion in you (or ask the One of many community for their recommendations!). They might be songs with moving lyrics, reminders of a different time in your life (maybe when you first met your partner?) or just pieces of music that are meaningful to you in some way.

Dancing is a wonderful way to take the experience to the next level. If you’re not used to moving physically, just swaying from side to side can be a profound thing to try.

Could you find five minutes to play some music, each day? While cooking dinner, on your way home from work, or alone in your bedroom?

Try it: Cue up a song, close your eyes, and see what comes up for you. 

2. Connect to your senses

What do you see, smell, hear, touch or taste during the course of a typical day? If you find that life passes by in a blur, try just simply slowing down.

Maybe you have an opportunity to walk through a park on your commute, take ten minutes to savour a morning cup of tea or snuggle into a soft blanket when it’s time for bed.

Taking care of yourself means finding opportunities to make yourself feel special in some way, whatever that looks like for you. It doesn’t have to mean extravagant shopping sprees or days at the spa.

Here are some ideas to bring your world alive:

  • Choose stationery that makes you smile. Next time you need a new notebook, could you choose one that really speaks to you with a beautiful cover, or textured pages? Or choose a pen that feels really delicious to write with?
  • Rearrange your space: move a favourite piece of artwork or furniture so it’s the first thing you see when you wake up; or display photos of your loved ones to greet you when you walk in the door.
  • Buy fresh flowers for your workspace, every week. Make it a ritual, just for you.
  • Explore essential oils, or find a new perfume, that makes you feel special.
  • Stop saving your nicest things for a “special occasion” – whether it’s your fancy underwear, special mug or a beloved piece of jewellery. Let yourself enjoy the “best” every day, and see how that changes your perception of yourself.

3. Enjoy touch — without pressure

Touch is often the sense we pay least attention to, especially when we’re living “in our heads” as a leader. If you’re in a partnership which feels like it’s lost its spark; spend most of your time being grabbed and mauled by small children or hate the idea of a full body massage, take baby steps.

Are there parts of your daily routine involving touch, that you could stop and enjoy?

  • Brushing your hair
  • Moisturizing after a shower
  • Stretching and yawning first thing in the morning?

Taking a few seconds to enjoy using a gorgeous hand cream, noticing the way the sun feels on your face or giving your feet a massage when you take off your shoes can be gentle ways to begin to reconnect with your body.

4. Be thankful

Gratitude is a practice that’s becoming increasingly popular – it’s the foundation of our “thinking and thanking” ritual, which you can find in your audio library of Soft PowerCasts when you join our community (it’s free!).

But how often, even when you think about all you’re grateful for, do you remember to thank yourself?

One of the simplest ways to begin is by appreciating your body for everything it does.

No matter what physical challenges you face, there’s so much to be grateful for – from your incredible organs, to your trusty hands and of course your amazing brain.

Try whispering a “thank you” to your body last thing at night, or when you glance in the mirror.

You’re amazing!

5. Connect to others

It might sound like a strange way to practice self-care. But one of the ways you can begin to experience life more fully, and understand that your own struggles are shared by those around you, is to learn to listen to the other people in your life in a new way.

“Devoted listening” is a simple practice of staying quiet and really tuning in to what another person is telling us.

You can try it with colleagues, clients, friends or family. Even your partner – someone you see every day – might be someone you’ve not recently taken the time to really listen to.

Here are a few prompts to try:

  • Pay attention to what the other person is saying – don’t be tempted to start formulating your response, or assuming you know what they’re expressing.
  • What’s their body language telling you? What do they really look like – if they’re familiar to you, when did you last see them for who they really are?
  • What emotions do you detect they’re feeling? Are they tired, frustrated, enthusiastic? Without judging them, can you observe as closely as possible?

Notice how many people you connect with each day, and how rich and unique their lives, personalities and experiences are.

Without judging, fixing or envying them, how can you begin to cultivate a genuine appreciation for everything they bring to the world?

Deepening your connection with others can begin to awaken your own feelings, thoughts and emotions. And this element of meaningful connection means The Lover is a powerful energy to draw on as a leader, especially when building a network or inspiring others to join a fledgling movement.

Self-care is a practice

If self-care feels like a chore, rather than a reminder to find and appreciate enjoyment in your everyday life, it’s a sign that something needs to change.

When you’ve been locked in “Superwoman” mode, just taking a few minutes just for you can feel like an alien concept, let alone actively seeking pleasure, joy or a connection to your physical body.

Stick with it.

The rewards – from helping you rediscover the pleasure of relationships, to cultivating appreciation for yourself and becoming a more powerful and magnetic leader – are immense.

How about you?

Have you struggled to make time for yourself, or do you have unorthodox ways to practice self-care that work for you? I’d love to know. Share in the comments below, and let’s help each other to take baby steps towards putting our own needs first.

If you’d like to find out about how we support successful, sometimes a little too-busy women like you to discover a different way of leading, click here to book a call with the office. We’d love to walk you through our different programs and see if we have a training that’s the perfect fit for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to avoid spreading yourself too thin

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

You know when, mid-shower, you realize you left shampoo off the shopping list again – so you try to convince yourself a mouse-sized amount of over-diluted product is going to get you through another wash? So many women find ourselves doing exactly that with our time and energy. We water ourselves down until there’s barely anything left to go around, whilst pretending we’re totally on top of it all. It’s exhausting. So today I want to invite you to join me at my kitchen table, so I can share a nifty distinction I’ve found when it comes to knowing how to avoid spreading yourself too thin.

Why knowing how to avoid spreading yourself too thin matters

The shampoo thing is actually a pretty apt example here. Because when you’re trying to take care of everyone else’s needs – your boss, your neighbour, your mum, your best friend, the friend you’re not actually that close to but who always seems to be popping up on messenger with an urgent request for your take on her latest drama… it’s often your own that suffer most.

It might be that you just don’t have a spare minute to sort out your basic needs: making sure your groceries are stocked up, and your space is organised, rather than being a dumping ground for tasks you haven’t got around to.

Maybe you find yourself skipping your lunch break to help a colleague with the deadline they’re about to miss. Sacrificing a gym session because you’re being “mum taxi” at the last minute. Or staying up past midnight organizing finances for the community association, because they just “don’t know what they’d do without you”.

The cost of “I’m too busy”

When you’re spread too thin, lots of little sacrifices made over time can gradually end up. You might find yourself feeling frazzled, forgetful and exhausted. Your executive function starts to suffer, as you juggle multiple deadlines and demands. And eventually, that stress can take a more serious toll – burnout, exhaustion, and a feeling of chronic overwhelm.

So whether you can’t remember what life was like when you weren’t overcommitted, or could just do with a refresher on how to set clear boundaries, take 5 minutes now to watch this:

Need a little more support?

If you know that taking on too much is a real challenge right now, you might want to take a look at BeFruitful. It’s our much-loved online time and energy management program designed specifically for busy women. It’ll show you how to free up 5 hours a week, minimum, whilst actually making you more effective. And setting clear boundaries is just one of the topics we cover in the easy bite-sized modules, to help you get to the root of your busy-ness as well as learning the practical tools to handle it.

Click here to find out more about the course, and enrol.

Who’s at your table?

If today’s video was helpful, I’d love to know how you’ve created better boundaries in your life. Share your tips below so we can help each other take care of our needs as well as those of everyone else.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: How to beat stress: 5 powerful mindset shifts

By

Annie Stoker

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many
Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.
Annie Stoker

Latest posts by Annie Stoker (see all)

The work emergency that only you can fix. The full glass of water splashing across the laptop. “Mum, I need a costume for school TOMORROW!”. Unfortunately, we haven’t yet come across a magic cure for the curveballs life likes to surprise us with from time to time.

What I can share are some simple mindset shifts to help you handle the day to day dramas – and prevent stress from growing from a one-off spike in heart rate to a chronic, and serious, background to your life.

What is stress?

Stress can be characterised as your body’s response to a perceived threat of some kind, whether physical, emotional or mental. It creates a “fight or flight” response that helps us react quickly and effectively when we need to. Think about that burst of mental clarity that helps you meet a tough deadline, or the surge of adrenaline behind your just-in-time sprint to catch your train.

New research has indicated that stress can actually be positive in some instances. In one University of Berkeley study in 2013, rats exposed to moderate stress appeared to demonstrate enhanced neural function and ability to learn. There’s also some evidence that reframing stress as positive – for example, seeing a raised heart rate or faster breathing as a sign of excitement or energy rather than fear – can help mitigate its effects.

But when stress becomes chronic or long term, its detrimental effects are well documented. It’s a key factor in burnout, as well as contributing to insomnia, high blood pressure, lowered immunity, and a whole heap of other conditions.

These 5 mindset shifts to control stress can help prevent day to day stress from becoming chronic. See if any of them feel relevant to you right now.

1. Judgment

Judgment comes from the part of us that makes things right or wrong, good or bad.

For example, you might feel that being landed with an additional project on your plate at work is “wrong” or that the driver holding you up on the way to pick up the kids from school is “bad”.

The trouble is, the way we look at events is subjective – it’s only from our perspective.

What if you discovered that in fact your boss had given you that extra assignment to bolster your chances of a promotion they’re lobbying for on your behalf?

Or that the dithering driver was struggling through a devastating day, just doing their best to stay safe and focused as their world crumbled around them?

Judgment can stop you seeing what’s actually happening, and add a layer of stress that doesn’t need to be there.

Where could you let go of your perceptions and look at the neutral facts, rather than your interpretation of them?

2. Comparison

“Comparison is the thief of joy” goes the saying, and there’s a lot of truth in it. Whether you’re comparing yourself favourably to others, and feeling superior, or feeling inadequate and ordinary next to the shining star on your social media feed, comparing yourself to others is unlikely to be serving you.

Comparison gives us the illusion of separation from one another, and increases our tendency to feel lonely, isolated or misunderstood.

When do you tend to compare yourself to others?

How can you gently remind yourself that everyone has their own challenges and struggles, and that no one of us is more valuable than any other?

3. Issues

When we discover what feels like a real “issue” – perhaps it’s with trust, or commitment, or self-confidence – it can feel like we’ve unlocked a mystery. And to an extent, it really is helpful to get a handle on our deep-rooted motivations and fears.

The problem can arise when self-reflection starts to tip into self-obsession, or we begin to define ourselves by our “issues”. It can be stressful to navigate life feeling as though the issues that trouble us are insurmountable, and it removes our power to change.

How can you acknowledge your amazing resilience, and your capacity to change and let go?

Can you find a balance between honouring and accepting your experience, and moving on from it?

4. Discouragement

Many of us have an “Inner Critic” who can be increasingly loud at times when we’re stressed. And it can really impact our ability to rest and unwind, when it tells us we’re “lazy” or “weak” for taking time out to care for ourselves.

If you notice you tend to slip into a discouraging mindset, try imagining what a really supportive friend would say instead. Perhaps they’d encourage you to take time out, or reassure you that everything will work out.

Or maybe they’d simply tell you how amazing you are just for being you.

Try checking in with their voice instead.

5. Expectations

One of the biggest causes of stress can be our expectations.

You’re picturing a perfect reunion of your laughing family… except your mum’s her usual critical self and your brother still has the emotional maturity of a toothbrush. You daydream of hitting a six figure profit… except your business is just starting up and you’re still ironing out exactly who your ideal clients are.

Coming back to reality can help us let go of expectations that just end in disappoinment. Mindfulness is a technique that we can use to bring ourselves back to the present moment. It allows us to be present to what is, instead of being swallowed up by past regrets or future expectations.

Researchers are exploring the impact this can have, with positive outcomes. One study at the University of Surrey reported a 40% reduction in perceived stress after participants completed an online mindfulness course.

How could you be more present in your day to day life, and less fixated on what might happen – whether it’s an outcome you long for, or dread?

If you’d like some support to introduce mindfulness into your life, take a look at Be Happy Now – a video course to help you put mindfulness into action in all areas of your everyday life.

How do you beat stress?

Stress has been described as a modern epidemic. In the largest known study of stress levels in the UK, a 2018 survey of 4619 people, 74% of people reported that in the last year they’d felt “so stressed they have been overwhelmed or unable to cope”.

So it makes sense that ensuring your day-to-day experience is as stress-free as possible will better help you handle the curveballs life likes to lob at you from time to time.

I’d love to know which of these 5 mindset shifts makes a difference in your life. Leave a comment below, let us know.

About Annie Stoker

Psychotherapist. Author. Property Investor. Dog-Lover. Chilled-Out Friend.

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK’s most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Annie is our Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many.

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If you feel disconnected…

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

One thing which makes the new paradigm of leadership distinct is the fact that it thrives not on competition – success despite others – but in collaboration and connection.

Success with and through others.

I was vividly awakened to the importance of this level of connection when I realised it was missing from my own life.

In my latest blog on joannamartin.com I’m sharing what I learned, and the steps I took to rectify the problem.

“I have a natural tendency to play solo. In the past, I’ve relied on my profound connection to Source – the universe, nature, the vision that pulls me forwards – for my connection needs, rather than other people.

I’d never seen that as a problem until I experienced really great connections in a new environment. But in that extraordinary setting, I experienced a depth of connection, and a feeling of such motivation to deepen and grow my work, that I became vividly aware of what I was missing.”

Click here to read the full article – and do share, if you’ve experienced something similar.

Leave a comment and let’s connect.

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How to motivate yourself to exercise

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

You already know what you need to do to stay healthy. Eat your greens, move your body, get enough sleep… And yet, so many of us find ourselves lapsing when it comes to taking care of our bodies. Today I want to share a simple mindset technique for how to motivate yourself to exercise, change your diet, or embrace whatever healthy habit is top of your list.

The most effective way to make change

Karen, one of the ladies in our community, asked a great question in our Facebook Group. She wanted to know the group’s tips on finding ‘towards motivation’ when it comes to health.

If you’re not familiar with the distinction, ‘towards’ motivation is a way to describe something that inspires you to take steps in the direction of a specific goal.

For example, if you’re stopping smoking you might be motivated by:

  • Being a great example of healthy living for my kids
  • Enjoying extra energy and good health
  • Treating myself to a monthly massage with your extra cash

It’s different from ‘away’ motivation, which focuses on what you’re leaving behind. In the above example, that would be:

  • No longer being a bad role model to my kids
  • Getting rid of that persistent cough and continual feeling of tiredness
  • Stopping wasting money on cigarettes

You can see the difference, right?

Among other things, “away” motivation tends to wear off once you’ve taken the first steps. (When your cough is gone, that’s no longer driving you forward.)

Whereas, ‘towards’ motivation tends to build and strengthen as time goes on, making the change more likely to stick.

Why motivation to get healthy is hard

Now, health can be a particularly tricky area to find our “towards” motivation for, partly because of the huge role our media culture plays in our relationship to our bodies.

For example, in a 2016 study by Dove, researchers found that one out of every two Australian women reported feeling worse about themselves after looking at images of attractive women in magazines.

When we’re often encouraged to compare ourselves to unattainable physical standards, it’s natural for us to start to frame our healthy choices in negative ways.

“I need to lose weight round my middle.”

“I hate how my arms look in sleeveless dresses.”

“I wish I could stop eating so much junk food.”

This kind of self-talk breaks my heart. It adds to the countless ways women often blame, criticise and find fault with ourselves. What’s more, it often does very little to motivate us to make change.

After all, who’d want to show up for an exercise class with a sharp-tongued drill sergeant, constantly pointing out your perceived faults and shortcomings? (OK, I know the brutal bootcamp thing works for some people – but most of us could do with a bit more support, right?)

How to motivate yourself without criticism

So, when Karen reached out for help finding ‘towards’ motivation when it came to her health she was absolutely on the right track.

As always happens, when someone in our tribe reaches out for help, the women around her rally.

And the responses to this question were brilliant examples of the different ways we each find our own ways to thrive.

Here are 5 that might help you. As you read through each one, think about how this might apply to you right now, today, or this week. How could they support you to feel great about making positive choices when it comes to your health?

1. Focus on the present – not the future

It’s easy to get hung up on future outcomes when it comes to things like doing exercise or eating healthily. But what about how good they feel in the present? Enjoying delicious food, having fun playing frisbee in the park or letting yourself relax into a yoga class – these moments can be their own reward. The clear-headed feeling you get after going out for a brisk walk or the emotional release of a high-energy workout are worth savouring in themselves.

What activities leave you feeling great? How can you build more of them into your life?

2. When you’re healthy, you can give your best

If you’re a leader aiming to make a difference, you’ll be at your most effective when you’re feeling physically fit. That might mean balancing your mood to enable you to lead your team through challenges; making sure you’re really able to make the most of your time; or just having the energy to approach your mission with a positive mindset.

What’s the contribution only you can make, and how will being in full health support that?

3. Taking care of your body is a form of gratitude

However badly we treat our bodies, or unkindly we think about them, they are astonishing, complex, beautiful systems. Every day of your life your heart’s been pumping blood around your body. Your brain’s been absorbing and processing information. Your digestive system has been turning food into incredible cellular chemistry, giving you the energy to keep going; your organs have been processing and integrating a vast array of processes.

How can you show your incredible body how much you value and appreciate it?

4. Living longer means more fun, impact, fulfillment…

Staying healthy is more likely to result in a longer, happier life. If you have kids, they’re often a strong motivator. Who doesn’t want to get to know the amazing grownups we’re helping to emerge? Then there are the sunsets to watch, changes to witness, projects to bring to fruition… not to mention gorgeous dinners, earth-shattering orgasms, fascinating conversations…

What do you want to experience more of in the years to come? How can your choices today contribute to even more of them?

5. Enjoy the benefits of good health

When we focus on things like ‘losing weight’ or ‘looking better’ we often miss out on the real tangible experience of good health. Things like feeling grace and ease when you do things; the sense of confidence and vitality that comes when you’re on top form, or knowing that you’re nourishing and taking care of yourself. These things have nothing to do with your physical ability, the numbers on a scale, or what you see on the outside.

What does true health and vitality mean for you? How does it feel, and what does it allow you to do?

Thriving women make powerful leaders

Supporting women to feel true vitality is an important part of how we equip female leaders to make a difference. If you’d like to have a chat to one of our team about the kind of support we offer, click here to arrange a time to talk.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The truth about burnout

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I’m one of many women who know burnout first hand. In fact, once upon a time I’d been running on adrenaline for so long, I ended up in hospital. Which seems nuts to me, now that I know it is possible to be effective without getting swallowed up by everything on my plate. But I’m not alone.

Even if you’ve managed to avoid burnout yourself, I’m willing to bet you know someone who has experienced it – and she was likely a woman. A recent article by Alexandra Michel on Burnout and the Brain got me thinking about how important a topic this is, and re-presenced me to the imperative that we get a collective handle on it.

Frankly, there’s too much at stake for us not to.

In our current cohort of Lead the Change – our year long advanced leadership program – over 70% of our participants have been burned out, or nearly so.

Now that might be an anecdotal statistic. But simply as an observation, it frightens me a little. Because it signals just how common it is for incredibly talented women – ones with a massive contribution to make to the world – find ourselves utterly worn out and broken by the demands of the modern workplace.

And not every woman is able to access the kind of leadership support we offer here at One of many.

It’s an epidemic, and if we want more women leaders we need to recognize it, heal it and then change the culture that fosters it.

Burnout costs business serious talent

There’s plenty of research out there pointing to the positive impact having more women in senior leadership positions has in business.

And almost as much asking why corporations still struggle to achieve gender balance at the top level.

The Global Markets Institute at Goldman Sachs produced a report in 2018 that didn’t explicitly mention burnout.

But some of their findings spoke to me of burnout as an invisible issue.

For example, when considering the lack of women in senior roles, the research found:

“Our analysis of attrition among full-time working women indicates that well-educated women stop working full-time relatively early in their careers at a higher rate than similar men do. While the difference is relatively small at the start of their careers, it widens meaningfully as women grow older, peaking when women are in their early 40s.”

Now, of course, there is a whole range of factors why women might not want to continue in their careers. We might choose not to continue in full-time employment for a whole number of reasons.

But my hunch is that burnout, or the risk of it, has to play a part.

This amazing graphic sums up many of the findings of Michel’s article. One of the quotes I love from it is this:

“Burnout won’t look like we expect. Burnout will tell us “I’m bad at this” or “I don’t even like it or care about it”. This can cause people to abandon a career instead of seeking rest or support.”

How many hugely talented leaders step back because they think they’re simply not cut out for senior roles – when in fact, burnout’s the culprit?

A culture that fuels burnout

And yet many of the most highly valued professions seem to be moving towards increased pressure on their workforce.

A New York Times article in April this year highlighted the insanity of many industries’ expectation from those who work ‘full time’. In elite careers, like medicine or law, the amount that we’re expected to work has increased dramatically in recent years, to the point where being more or less constantly “on call” is almost a prerequisite.

“The returns to working long, inflexible hours have greatly increased. This is particularly true in managerial jobs and what social scientists call the greedy professions, like finance, law and consulting — an unintentional side effect of the nation’s embrace of a winner-take-all economy. It’s so powerful, researchers say, that it has canceled the effect of women’s educational gains.”

If burnout arises when the demands of a job outweigh the resources we have to cope with it, this shift to working ever-longer hours surely indicates a clear increase in risk.

Add in family and household demands and it seems fair to assume that many women who choose to step back from their careers might be making a pragmatic decision to avoid burnout.

And yet, the loss of those leaders has a significant impact on the talent available to businesses and organizations. To society as a whole, in fact.

Ironically, the women leaders who could be the very ones to change this culture are often the ones who find themselves disillusioned and stepping back from it altogether.

Healing a culture takes time

Changing the way we work isn’t a small project. It’s no coincidence that our mission at One of many is to equip one million women leaders. That’s probably only going to be the start of what it’s going to take to create the new way of working, living and leading we need to turn back the tide of burnout and overwhelm.

But it’s one that I’m convinced isn’t just worth doing. It’s essential if we’re going to be able to fully make the most of our capabilities to solve the massive challenges we’re facing.

Burnout and you

Have you experienced burnout? Are you there right now? Share a comment below and let us know – it’s going to take us all getting really honest about our experiences if we’re going to turn this ship around.

And if you’re struggling right now, a good place to start is by clicking here to download the free Overwhelm First Aid kit.

It’s the step by step resource you need when things start to feel like too much, with strategies to get you back on top and tips to get back to a more sustainable way of working.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What procrastination means

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

We’ve all been there. There’s a massive deadline looming, or a really important task to do. And you’re on Facebook. Or tackling a bunch of waaay less important things. Rearranging your desk drawer… watching Netflix… we’ve all got our particular habits, but one thing is certain. You’re not doing the one thing you know you should be. Today I want to talk about the meaning behind that. Here’s what procrastination means – and what you can do when it strikes.

What procrastination means

Let’s first get one thing clear, because an awful lot of us have an inner voice that can be, shall we say, less than kind.

I’m willing to bet good money that you’re NOT procrastinating for any of the following reasons, which may or may not have popped into your head:

  • You’re lazy
  • You’re incompetent
  • You’re destined to fail

Written out like that they look pretty ridiculous, huh?

But so many of us actually use that kind of language to berate ourselves, when we find ourselves stuck in procrastination mode.

When the fact is, almost all of us procrastinate. We’re not robots, right? Some of the most capable, competent women I know put things off from time to time. I know I do. So let’s stop for a minute and think about procrastination from another vantage point.

What if procrastination is a sign?

Procrastination – putting things off – is almost always a sign that something needs attention. Think of it as the equivalent of an ache in your back or a twinge in your wrist. It’s discomfort, albeit of a mental kind, that’s trying to tell you something.

Here are 3 things it might be.

1. Procrastination might mean you’re tired

The #1 reason for procrastination is that you simply don’t have the energy for the task you’re attempting to do. You’re pushing through, maybe even getting into  Superwoman mode, and the result is that your brain’s shutdown.

There’s a reason that Soft Power Principle #1 is this: First, replenish your energy.

When your bum’s numb and your brain’s fried from sitting in front of a screen for six hours solid… and yet you’re still expecting yourself to pull a razor-sharp strategic report out of the bag? Honey, it ain’t gonna happen.

Do yourself a favour.

Have a big glass of water and get out in the fresh air for fifteen minutes – you’ll notice a world of difference when you come back.

Or perhaps you need a different energy boost.

  • A good night’s sleep – is there any way you can start the task you’re tackling again first thing in the morning?
  • Some decent food? (The nearest vending machine or your secret-from-the-kids snack drawer doesn’t count)
  • A blast of your favourite energy-pumping tunes – if you don’t have one, ask the BeOne community to tell you theirs!

But sometimes, replenishing takes more.

I don’t have to tell you that getting your mojo back isn’t always as simple as grabbing some rest or getting a snack.

And here’s where it’s so important to think about your procrastination not as a vice or a weakness, but as a signal that’s trying to tell you something.

If you’ve handled your immediate needs, but you’re still not in your flow, it’s time to dig a little deeper.

2. Procrastination might mean you’re overwhelmed

Sometimes, we procrastinate between tasks because there’s simply too much on our plate. Juggling is one thing, but if you’ve been overloaded for a long time, or you’re in a crisis state where there simply aren’t enough hours in the day, you can find yourself in overwhelm.

It might be that you’re swept up fighting fires while simultaneously fretting about all the really important stuff that’s being dropped.

The outcome is that you begin to lose executive function. It feels impossible to choose. The longer you flounder, the worse it all gets.

When it’s all urgent, nothing is, right? And so you flit from task to task or even find yourself lost in distractions, unable to focus on what matters.

Luckily, we have a tool for just that scenario.

It’s called the Overwhelm First Aid Kit and it does exactly what it says on the tin.

It’ll help you stop, slow down, and walk you step by step through the decisions you need to make to get back on top.

Click here to grab your copy now.

3. Procrastination might mean you’re afraid

This last one is a sneaky one, because when you have high standards you naturally care about doing a good job. But left unchecked, that desire to achieve competence can translate into an inability to make headway.

Simply put, you’re worried about getting it wrong, and that’s halting you from even taking the first step. A great exercise to beat that is what our Head Coach Annie Stoker calls “Future Pacing”.

What we mean is, imagine the worst case scenario for what you’re afraid of. If you’re stalling on starting to write your book because you’re not sure that it’s going to be great then imagine your published book in your hand, and you’re finding typos in it or changing your mind about some of the content.

Go through and imagine all the imperfect things that could actually happen and then ask yourself “Really, is that going to be enough to not do it?”

I think about that and I go “Okay, there’s a spelling mistake in there. Well, I’ll just make sure it’s changed for the next re-run.”

It might sound counter-intuitive, but getting OK with the worse that could happen can be a really comforting thing. After all, it’s rare that you’ll actually come to physical harm from the action you’re putting off.

Still procrastinating?

These 3 enquiries are great places to start when thinking about what procrastination means. But there are lots of other things you can do to tackle it, and ultimately prevent it from happening, in the long term.

We share a deeper perspective on procrastination as well as more ideas and tips on planning sustainably (so you don’t find yourself procrastinating to start with!) in Module 6 of BeFruitful.

It’s a 6-week online time and energy management training designed for women, to help you be more effective without burning out.

You can find out all about it here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When you feel responsible for everything

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

As a child, did you ever imagine how fun it would be when you could “make all the rules”? When to go to bed (never!)… What to have for dinner (icecream!)… Who to allow in your special secret club (no boys!). Unfortunately, along with growing up comes the dawning realization that “making all the rules” isn’t as fun as it seemed when you were six years old. Here’s what to do when you feel responsible for everything.

When you feel responsible for everything

First things first, let’s get one thing clear: almost every successful woman I meet has struggled with some version of this. You might sometimes feel like you’re the only one who feels she’s responsible for everything – but trust me, you’re not alone.

From coaching team members to “managing upwards” and making sure your boss has all the information they need; keeping track of school holidays to knowing when the car insurance runs out (and finding the best deal); getting your daily steps in to keeping up on social media – there are countless areas that for one reason or another seem to end up on our plates.

And it has an impact.

In a VIP day with a client, she shared how frustrated she felt that she seemed to suddenly be responsible for everything. Her business was going really well – in fact, it was growing. But with success seemed to come an endless list of new responsibilities – tasks to follow up, people to take care of, relationships to nurture.

I could relate. As an oldest child, I’ve been feeling responsible for taking care of those around me ever since I can remember.

And having a partner doesn’t necesarily help lessen the burden.

Studies have shown that in heterosexual partnerships, women tend to take the lion’s share of the household management on top of their other responsibilities. (I read a recent piece of research which showed that women with male partners actually did more housework than single women – how’s that for some extra responsibility?!)

Here’s what to do when you feel responsible for everything

1. Get clear on what responsibility is (and what it isn’t…)

When I’m grappling with a concept in my life, the first thing I do is reach for the dictionary. The history of a word often contains valuable clues as to how we might be misinterpreting it through the lens of our current era.

The word “responsibility”, I discovered, has an original connotation of “being answerable to another for something”.

To be responsible for something, you need to be answerable to someone for it. Simply appreciating that level of specificity brings clarity about how to think about those things you’re responsible for.

Responsibility doesn’t mean “keeping everyone happy”. It means being answerable to someone.

So your responsibility for raising your kids requires you to be answerable to them.

It doesn’t mean your mum, your neighbour or someone on Facebook has any say in your parenting choices.

Responsibility for tending your relationship means you’re answerable to your partner.

So your best friend thinks you’re not getting enough sex? That’s their issue – if things between you and your honey feel good, no one else has a say in the matter.

It doesn’t mean that you have to actually do the thing yourself, either.

You might be answerable for bringing a batch of cakes to the charity bake sale – no one says you need to have baked them yourself from scratch that morning.

2. Recognise when your responsibility level is getting out of hand

If you’re anything like my client, or me, you probably have certain clues when you’re starting to feel your responsibilities as more of a weight than a privilege.

Maybe it’s starting to feel like you’re never any fun to be around. You’re like the class monitor, constantly checking up on things – have you done that? Did I forget this? And never able to let your hair down or relax.

We talk a lot about the Women’s PowerTypes here – the 5 models of female leadership that elicit powerful results without tipping us into burnout. But there are other, less powerful archetypes that come into play from time to time too.

When it comes to responsibility, here are a few to watch out for:

  • The martyr – sacrificing herself for everyone else’s good
  • The people-pleaser – her one goal is to get everyone to like her and approve of her
  • The caretaker – taking care of everyone else’s needs

Notice the thing all of these archetypes have in common? They’re all trying to do something for “everyone”.

And yet, we know that taking responsibility means quite the opposite – it means being answerable to “someone”.

If you notice yourself slipping into one of these archetypes, or beginning to feel that “everyone” is relying on you, stop. It’s time to take a look at what’s going on, and set some boundaries around what’s yours to deal with.

3. Do a “responsibility audit”

I promise this is way easier than the word “audit” sounds – and it’s a powerful way to let go of some of the stuff that really doesn’t need to be stealing your attention right now!

Start by making a list of everything you feel responsible for right now. Just go with whatever comes to mind, and give yourself time – it might be a long list!

Now, next to each item on the list, answer this question: Has someone actually asked you to take responsibility for this?

You might be surprised how many things you’ve “assumed” are your responsibility, without ever being asked.

Next, ask yourself “Do I WANT to be responsible for this?”. Be honest.

If you don’t, is there someone you could delegate to? Or perhaps a way to negotiate sharing responsibility?

Finally, note down who you’re answerable to for that particular area.

Try to write a specific name if you can. If the answer is something like “my team” or “my family”, that could be a clue that you’re taking on an extra area, or that there’s a discussion to be had with the people involved about how and why you answer for that.

Over to you

I’d love to know what your challenges around responsibility are.

Did you discover anything you could delegate?

Or perhaps doing the audit revealed something utterly crazy that you’d added to your list – and you’re ready to just let go of right away? Let us know in the comments!

And if you’d like more support with taking back control of your energy, take a look at BePowerful.

This 12 week program is a step-by-step, supportive way to transform how you approach the different areas of your life. It’s not about changing who you are, it’s about becoming MORE of who you are, and you can access it wherever you are in the world. Click here for full details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.