One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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Guest post: 6 lessons from taking the leap to do coaching certification

By

Jen Le Marinel

As a One of many Certified Women's Coach and founder of WildFire Walks, Jen combines the transformational power of the incredible One of many tools with the healing power of nature to help her clients feel more empowered to live a life they truly want to live. A life on their terms.

Patient and compassionate with a dash of playful rebel, she gently pushes back against the "should-dos" and "should-bes" so often imposed by our culture, our upbringing, our workplaces. Jen knows what it means to succeed in the corporate world...and what it's like to not want that, actually. She believes, and champions, that there is a different way. Her purpose; to playfully push the boundaries of what's possible in life, and to encourage and inspire other women to do the same.

Latest posts by Jen Le Marinel (see all)

Hi, I’m Jen, an ex-corporate wild soul and One of many Certified Women’s Coach.

If you’d told me three years ago that I’d be living the life I’m living now, I’d have laughed in disbelief. It was the stuff of dreams, the sort of thing that Other People did – people that were far braver, far more daring, far more exciting than me.

My life was mapped out and, on the face of it, idyllic. I was successful, respected and had an extremely promising career ahead of me as an actuary in a prestigious FTSE 100 financial services company. I had a perfect relationship, a beautiful house, went on exotic holidays. I had every reason to be happy.

And yet…I wasn’t.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened, but around three years ago my life suddenly started to crumble around me. Or, perhaps I should say, inside of me.

I did Superwoman well – nobody knew anything was wrong until, suddenly, I couldn’t keep up the pretence any more and I tumbled into burnout, depression and despair.

I went from feeling like I had everything, to feeling utterly stuck, trapped and hopeless.

Lesson one: Rock bottom can be just the beginning

I was signed off work and went through the lowest months of my life. But working with a counsellor and coach helped me to start rebuilding my mental, emotional and physical health while I gradually rediscovered my sense of self.

I hadn’t realised how much I’d lost who I was! I was my job, my relationship, I was a people pleaser… but I wasn’t me.

I felt like such a failure at first.

I had always been a fiercely independent overachiever, and I felt so ashamed, guilty even, about how I was feeling! But admitting how unhappy and unwell I was proved to be the first, brave step towards living the life I actually wanted to live.

Lesson two: Your dreams are waiting for you to pay attention

My coach helped me reawaken a dream I had forgotten I’d ever had – squashed out of me by the “shoulds” and “musts” and “be happy with what you’ve gots” of a corporate career, a long-term relationship and a desire to fit in with those around me.

She reawakened the spark of my dream, and that spark set me free.

I found the courage to leave my relationship, which was life-saving but heartbreaking, and shocking for everyone around me. I’d hidden the problems so well, even from myself!

But when I left I felt the proverbial weight lift from my shoulders, felt the fog clear from my eyes, and I breathed a deep breath of fresh air that gave me strength.

And I looked forward, with a sense of possibility and excitement, for the first time in months.

But it wasn’t all plain sailing. My job was not fulfilling and the long, desk-based days in the office were beginning to feel soul-destroying. Something else had to change.

Lesson three: Change can feel scary (but it’s worth it)

My first move was to reduce to four days a week – at severe risk of career suicide!

Where other up-and-coming young professionals were working extra hours to prove themselves in the office, I used my day off alternately to rest and to volunteer at a local care farm I had been involved with for several years. I absolutely loved it, working outdoors with the students at the farm. But it still wasn’t enough.

My dream – to help others through coaching, therapy and nature – burned ever stronger and I knew I was never going to be fully satisfied spending the vast majority of my life in an office, as respectable, secure and well-paid as it was.

I still didn’t know when or how I’d make the leap though. Whilst I didn’t feel I really fitted into corporate, what else did I know, other than spreadsheets and office politics?

I was very much living the “one-day” dream, until, one morning, something finally snapped. I had found myself literally bored to tears in my windowless cubicle, and I made the decision to either find a new role in the company, or leave. Gratifyingly, I was offered a number of different opportunities in the company, all of which would have appealed at one time. But I just couldn’t get excited about the opportunity to climb further up the career ladder.

Something else called. Something stronger than the draw of approval and recognition. It was time. I was young, free, single, with a house about to be sold. What did I have to lose? So I left. It was time to give myself, and my dream business, a chance.

Lesson four: First, replenish yourself

First, I gifted myself some time out. I took a break and embarked on an adventure of a lifetime, walking solo from Land’s End to John O’Groats for charity. An incredible, life-changing, life-affirming 1400 mile journey taking three and a half months to complete. A journey that was every bit as amazing, challenging and rewarding as you could imagine!

When I returned, I set up my business, WildFire Walks, getting tired, stressed out professionals into nature to rest, reconnect and re-energise. I started planning events, yet I knew I needed something more if I was to help my clients in the way I really wanted.

Lesson five: The right support changes everything

Enter One of many! I had first come across Jo Martin the previous year, at her speaker training event, and had been inspired by her approach. I joined the Be One community and I loved the vision of the organisation. I knew it had some part to play in my life, so when the opportunity to train as a One of many Certified Women’s Coach crossed my path, I jumped at it.

Actually, that’s not quite the whole truth…I jumped at first, excitedly, then I froze, and ran in the opposite direction!

My Inner Critic jumped in the driver’s seat and I very nearly threw away the chance.

Who was I, to think I could do this?

How on earth could I afford to invest so much in myself, when I was out of work, had been ‘galavanting’ across the country, had no ‘real’ coaching experience (needless to say I completely ignored the experience of managing and coaching a team in my corporate world!), and STILL had a mortgage to pay?

But something in me nudged, kept nudging, nudged louder, until I couldn’t ignore it. This was too good to miss. I had to do this. So I jumped in with both feet.

Best. Decision. Ever!

Cue the most unbelievable and profound 18 months of my life. Aside from the obvious – coming out with a certification, new skills and a licence to share the incredible One of many tools with my clients – I’ve made lifelong friends, learned to step into and trust my own power, and rediscovered myself in the process.

The entire journey was transformational, from the foundation training through to the 5-day intensive through to the three month practical.

I discovered a support network like no other, and I’ve remembered how it feels to shine, to dream and to thrive. I’ve learned to celebrate myself and my story.

I learned to embrace my emotions, believe in myself and to help others do the same. I learned to trust my intuition and trust life. I’ve learned to ask for, and accept, help.

Most importantly, I’ve dared to dream, and to actually live those dreams.

Lesson six: Dreams do come true

Last summer, a lifelong dream came true for me. I followed my desire to live more closely with nature and spent four months living off-grid in a yurt in the woods.

It was a deliciously happy experiment into embracing simplicity, nature and back-to-basics whilst still participating in the modern world. I managed to combine my growing coaching business with some consultancy work for my old company – on my terms – and some part time work in an organic farm shop and cafe, whilst living in this gorgeous slice of heaven.

I would wake up to birdsong and the sound of the wind in the trees, watch the sun rise across the field with a steaming mug of tea, curl up in front of my log burner at night and listen to the owls calling. It was magical. I’d seen yurts in my future in my Soft Power Planning, and here I was, just a few months later, actually living that dream.

Through the One of many experience, which I’ve continued by stepping up to Lead the Change, I’ve realised it’s about continually taking steps, however small, in the direction of my ultimate vision – a nature-based retreat centre with yurts, campfires and coaching.

I’m now regularly tuning into my vision, checking in with my intuition, and watching out for and trusting in the opportunities that present themselves. The ability to coach virtually makes me location-independent, meaning I can make the most of these opportunities.

So I live in interesting times. My immediate path has never been less mapped out in my life, and yet I feel more free, more fulfilled, more self-expressed and more aligned with my ultimate vision than ever before. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t scary sometimes though! Leaving the security of a job and starting your own business certainly isn’t a decision to be taken lightly.

But… I’m getting to do what I really want to do whilst continuing my own inner journey exploring truth, freedom and possibility. I’m always learning, always growing, and I’m finding that my own experiences are helping me be a better coach for my clients. I love watching them blossom as they explore what really matters to them, rediscover their own dreams and reconnect with their own vitality. I wouldn’t change any of it for the world!

Curious about sparking your own dream?

If Jen’s story inspires you and you’d like to find out more about becoming a One of many Certified coach, click here to get in touch. We’ll find a time that suits you to have a chat with one of our friendly team, and see if our training’s right for you.

About Jen Le Marinel

The outdoors-loving, dream-whispering coach.

As a One of many Certified Women’s Coach and founder of WildFire Walks, Jen combines the transformational power of the incredible One of many tools with the healing power of nature to help her clients feel more empowered to live a life they truly want to live. A life on their terms.

Patient and compassionate with a dash of playful rebel, she gently pushes back against the “should-dos” and “should-bes” so often imposed by our culture, our upbringing, our workplaces.

Jen knows what it means to succeed in the corporate world…and what it’s like to not want that, actually. She believes, and champions, that there is a different way. Her purpose; to playfully push the boundaries of what’s possible in life, and to encourage and inspire other women to do the same.

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Banish busy: How to manage time and stress less

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The number one mistake that most women make in the interest of time management is aiming to be able to do more in the hours they have. It’s this idea of being more “productive” that’s started to seem like the most important goal of time management. When what we really need to learn is how to manage time and stress less – so that, instead of making the treadmill run faster we’re actually stepping off it all together.

You see, productivity starts with this assumption that we’re almost like machines – we can be relied upon to produce a certain amount of “output” each day. It’s looking at what we produce as though it can be controlled in a linear fashion. No surprise that it’s a concept that first gained traction during the industrial revolution, when machines began to be brought in to complete work.

But we’re not machines, and that’s why I avoid thinking about productivity altogether.

Which sounds wonderful, doesn’t it, only – you still need to be able to get things done, right? You have targets to hit, revenue to generate if you’re in business, people to manage. Maybe a family to get to places on time.

And though it might be lovely to say to your boss “Sorry, I’m letting go of the concept of productivity”, the reality is it won’t quite wash when it comes to having the impact you want.

So what I want to share today is a different way to look at this which means that you’re not blocking your own effectiveness, you’re simply changing the lens through which you look at it.

Time management – the old way

So let’s start with the way most of us have been taught to think about managing our time. It’s kind of like a jigsaw puzzle. You might look at your week and figure out you have 8 hours a day to complete a set of tasks. And when you try to be more productive, you’re seeing how many tasks you can slot into those 8 hours.

Secondary to that, is your own energy and wellbeing. How stressed you are, that kind of thing.

Once you’ve plugged in all the things you want to get done (there’s usually a lot more of them than would realistically fit into that time, but most of us kind of pretend that’s not true) then you think about your energy.

At a push, you might schedule in things like gym sessions or doctor’s appointments. But fundamentally, your rest and replenishment gets fitted in around the “Important Stuff”.

And so, the inevitable happens. Things take longer than planned. Meetings get moved; projects get delayed; computers crash and mistakes happen.

(Life, in other words).

But because the focus is on managing time, it’s the rest and replenishment that gets shunted over to make way for all that “Productive” work.

The result? Well, the statistics speak for themselves. We’re 60% more likely to suffer from job-related stress than men; our happiness is declining and our rate of burnout is far too high.

A different way to frame your time

I prefer for us, especially as women, to focus not on productivity, but on becoming more fruitful. “Producing an abundant growth, as of fruit”, that’s the definition.

We need to develop a relationship with ourselves, our bodies and our energy levels that we can know when to expect fruit from ourselves and when we need to regenerate, replenish.

We need to shift from productive to fruitful – and there’s several different things that I want you to think about as we do this.

Productivity was about work. Fruitfulness is about tapping into magic. That’s how I want you to start thinking about creating results, shifting out of hard work and looking for opportunities to move into magic, finding the easy way through .

Now if you’re thinking “magic’s all well and good, Jo, but how does that help me meet the deadline that’s just landed in my lap?”, here’s the key:

I want you to shift out of focusing on time and instead focus on energy.

Imagine if, when you planned your time, you focused not on how much you could get done but on how you could give yourself optimum energy on any given day. Building in the walks, the movement, the time to restore yourself.

Think about how much more effective – not productive, but truly effective – you would be if every moment you spent you were working at your optimum energy.

  • If when you had time with the family you were 100% switched off and connected.
  • Or when you came to go to an important meeting, you felt rested, energised and full of ideas.
  • Or when you needed to blast through a bunch of admin you could be laser-focused and decisive

Finding a new way of doing things

It’s not about time management, it’s about energy management.

Which means it’s time for us to stop pushing through. Pushing through doesn’t serve anyone, it just gets you to breakdown faster and more efficiently. And that’s not what we want!

Instead we want to focus on replenishing, understanding our cycles, and knowing when it’s time to replenish.

Rather than assuming we can say yes to life and everyone and everything, we need to learn how to say no effectively, gracefully and with ease.

Rather than focusing on achievement all the time I’m going to invite you to start to focus on the journey.

Rather than having a linear perspective on your energy which is a very masculine paradigm or even mechanistic paradigm, it’s time we discovered the true power of our cyclical nature.

Doesn’t that feel different?

How to start when you’ve got no time

When you’re totally busy and swamped with tasks, getting the breathing space to rethink your approach is your number one priority.

If you’re feeling frazzled and run down, then the best place to start is by taking a look at the Overwhelm First Aid kit.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Exhausted for no apparent reason? Here’s how to recover

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

A couple of years ago I was so tired that trying to decide whether to just collapse into bed, or have a bath first, was enough to leave me utterly stuck. OK, in my case there were pretty clear reasons for me to have got to that state: I was 26 weeks pregnant, anaemic, and I’d just completed 2 events practically back to back – one of which had required to me to be onstage for 3 days straight. But whether you’ve been in Superwoman mode like I was, or if you’re exhausted for no apparent reason, when the going gets tough the wise woman takes heed.

We all know what it’s like to be tired from time to time, or to reach the point of exhaustion after an especially draining period. If you’ve been getting a big project at work off the ground; are breastfeeding a newborn or have been pushing it for some other reason, you probably anticipate needing to replenish for a while. But if you’re feeling exhausted for no apparent reason and just can’t seem to stop feeling tired, it’s definitely time to take stock.

Here are 5 signs you’ve got a point of exhaustion, and 5 emergency steps to take right away – before you find yourself at burnout.

5 signs you’re exhausted

Overdoing it is one thing. But if you’re in a chronic state of stress, overstimulation and over performance – and you’ve been in that mode for a few months or even a few years – it can be harder to recognise the signs.

Here are 5 things to watch out for.

1. You’re tired… all the time.

No matter what you eat or how much you sleep, you’re still tired. Ironically, this can actually make it even harder to get to sleep or experience quality rest when we do finally drop off. It’s a sign your system’s running on adrenaline (quite probably reinforced with caffeine) which can leave your nervous system actually unable to calm down enough for you to get the rest you crave. It can also show up as oversleeping which still doesn’t seem to cure your tiredness.

2. Procrastination or lack of motivation.

If you’re an overachiever, you’ll know this as the time when you really start to be hard on yourself for not performing. Similar signs include decreased executive functioning: reduced productivity, reduced performance, forgetfulness, and a general sense of mental fogginess.

If you find yourself berating yourself for messing up or dropping the ball, take a moment to consider if any of these other signs are present. Could you be suffering from exhaustion?

3. Escapism

This is a symptom I’ve lovingly nicknamed the “Netflix sign”. It’s when you know there are things you could do that would probably help how you’re feeling — like going to bed, for one — but instead you stay on the couch and fire up another episode of whatever series you’re into. Or lie in bed scrolling through Instagram or checking Facebook.

These kinds of behaviours tend to arise because we’re trying to avoid a feeling of overwhelm, and they often go hand in hand with other “bad habits” like drinking too much alcohol, smoking, or reaching for the sugary snacks.

4. Detaching.

When we’re tired, many of us find ourselves tending to detach from others – for me it’s accompanied by a feeling of “I just can’t be bothered talking to anyone”. I’ll stop ringing my family, not want to talk to my husband when the kids have gone to bed and find myself avoiding communication with friends. Ironically, it’s when I’m most likely to need the support of those who love me that I withdraw most; can you relate?

5. Trying to control/fix things.

This is the flipside of the tendency to detach or withdraw – some of the women I’ve coached have shared that the opposite is true. When they’re exhausted they find themselves going into “fixing” mode, in an effort to control the people around them.

Suddenly driven to distraction by your colleague’s disorganization or your partner’s refusal to address their family strife? Check in with yourself first – is this a distraction from your own exhaustion?

What are your early warning signs?

This list is by no means exhaustive, if you’ll pardon the pun. We all have unique patterns and behaviours that come up when things have got on top of us. Take a few minutes to think about times when you’ve been at a point of exhaustion – or to be honest abut how things are right now.

If you’ve got an exhaustion sign that’s not on this list, chances are someone else will share it too. Share it in the comments below, so we can help each other spot the warning signs together.

How bad is it?

Are you reading through the list above thinking you’ve got every single one of those signs going on in your life – and more? Then it’s time to take action, because you might well be very close to – or already – burned out. If that’s the case, reach out and let us know. Click this link to book a call with the team. Burnout needs dealing with, and we have some of the best support out there for women who’ve reached that point – and if we can’t help, we can signpost you to somewhere that can.

If you’re not in crisis, and know you need to turn things around before you get to that point, here are 5 steps to take.

5 steps to get you out of exhaustion

These steps are simple, because we’re dealing with exhaustion. That’s the point where it actually becomes really hard to make plans for how you’re going to replenish yourself and get back on top of things, because you’re simply not functioning.

So, these 5 steps are designed to get you out of exhaustion and back to a more resourceful place from which you can start to see a real difference.

1. Reach out

One of the most important skills we need to foster is the ability to lean in to the support we need – from each other. Ask for help, in whatever form you need. In my case, it was literally asking a friend to come round and tell me: do I need to have a bath now or just go to sleep?

Maybe you need someone to babysit so you can go to bed at 7pm, or to do your grocery shopping, or lend you their spare room for a night whilst promising not to tell you the wifi password.

Don’t know who you’d call? Our BeOne community is the online space where women around the world gather to find community and support. Click here to join us.

2. Sleep.

Of course you need sleep, you’re exhausted. But when you’re past the point of clear thinking, it can be easy to underestimate just how powerful this is. Turn off the TV, put your phone on airplane mode, and get to bed early. Like, 7pm early. It’s time to get serious about catching up on sleep.

If you’re having trouble sleeping, work through some of the other steps first – or try some simple steps to help you unwind like avoiding screens or taking gentle exercise.

3. Rehydrate.

This is a less obvious one, but it can make a real difference becauseone of the first things we forget to do when we’re knackered is drink enough fluid. Rehydrate quickly by mixing up a jug of a mix of 1 part juice, 4 parts water, and a couple of pinches of salt.

Rehydrating the brain dramatically helps your executive function – and when you’re thinking more clearly you’ll take exponentially better care of yourself as you get back to a place of replenishment.

4. Nourish.

Yup, we’re going right back to basics. If you’ve been grazing on chocolate or eating out of the work vending machine, it’s time to get some decent nutrients inside you and eat a good square meal. Get your body filled up and make sure you have the energy you need to replenish physically.

5. Get physical

Finally, do something to take care of your physical body. A massage, a sauna, a long bath… something to take care of your physical body will make an enormous difference to your exhaustion. It doesn’t have to be expensive and it definitely isn’t a luxury – it’s an essential if you’ve found yourself at rock bottom.

Taking these 5 simple steps will give you the best possible chance of replenishing yourself to a stage where you can start thinking about a longer term strategy to get out of this state for god. Put them somewhere where you can see them in case of emergency – and pass them on to anyone in your life who needs them.

Need to get back on track?

When you’ve dealt with a crisis of exhaustion, it’s time to look at longer term ways to avoid reaching that limit. That might include reducing stress, asking for regular support from people around you and getting really clear on what you need in order to maintain your energy and wellbeing.

If you’re a member of our BeOne Community, check out Soft PowerCast 52 for an audio session all about how to deal with exhaustion. And if you’re not yet a member, click here to join – it’s free and this and a whole bunch of other resources are free when you do.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How worry works

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Most of us know what worry feels like. But when it comes to how worry works – and what we can do to overcome it – the answers are less clear.

Worry is something that’s familiar to lots of women, and research reveals just how much more of an issue it is for us than men: A Cambridge University study in 2016 showed that women are twice as likely to experience anxiety than men.

Angela Ceberano runs her own successful PR company, and has achieved professional goals others told her were impossible. But behind the scenes, worry has been a big part of her life. In her May 2015 TedX talk she confessed:

“If I had nothing to worry about, I’d worry about that.”

If you don’t know how to deal with your worry it can start to have a real impact on your life. But when you understand how worry works, you can take steps to reduce it and even turn it into a positive force for change. Here’s how.

How worry works

The way each of us experiences worry is very different. For some women it’s lying awake at night wondering what’s going to bite you in the inbox in the morning. Or it might look like running over upcoming conversations, worrying how another person will react, or feeling stressed about how a particular situation will turn out.

It’s normal to be worried about danger, times when we’re trying something new, or situations which have an element of risk. You might find yourself feeling nervous before a big presentation at work, or worrying about how your child will settle into a new school. These kinds of worries serve to prepare us in times when we might be called upon to respond to a perceived threat.

From an evolutionary standpoint, worrying about being eaten by a cave lion or whether we had enough food saved for a long winter would have been a really helpful trait, if it meant we took appropriate action.

When worry gets out of hand

Worry starts to become more of a problem when it loses its connection to actions we can take to prevent it, and starts to become a regular or even constant presence in our lives.

When worry begins to incorporate a physical element, it can become anxiety, a more significant issue that can be behind a number of physical symptoms, from insomnia to fatigue and difficulty concentrating.

If you feel like anxiety’s starting to be a more serious presence in your life, don’t wait to get appropriate help. Talk to your GP or an occupational health professional if your worries are focused on work, and they’ll be able to support you with the help you need.

Listen to your worries

Trying to ignore worry can trigger behaviours we know aren’t healthy. That mid-afternoon urge for the sweet treat you promised yourself you’d give up, or the glass of wine after work that turns into two… or three.

So ignoring worry doesn’t help. It’s there because something in your life is demanding your attention.

What might your worries be telling you?

The first step is to become aware of what’s going on. If worry’s starting to rear its head, try and identify what’s causing it. Here are three examples of common reasons you might be feeling worried:

  1. Are you doing something brave, and stretching your comfort zone? Is the worry a form of excitement that will pass when you’ve completed whatever it is that’s causing worry?
  2. Is there a specific scenario you’re worried about – like missing a travel connection or messing up a vital task?
  3. Is the worry becoming something that’s a part of your life more generally – so that whatever’s going on, you’ve always got a feeling of worry?

Next, think about what action you can take.

If you’re taking a courageous step, can you reframe your worry as excitement? Remind yourself of all the lessons you’re learning and how this experience will help you grow and reach your goals?

If your worries are centred around a specific event or task, perhaps it’s time to think about what extra support you can offer yourself. Coming up with a “Plan B” can help put your mind at rest, or perhaps you’re worry is prompting you to ask for a bit of extra support. Perhaps a colleague could help you rehearse a presentation, or your partner could drop you off at the station in time to make an earlier train.

If worry’s become more of a constant presence in your life, it might be time to look holistically at how you can get back to a place of thriving. Exercise, meditation, mindfulness and therapies like massage can all help you unwind and find healthy ways to process stress and tension.

For Angela Ceberano, learning to understand her worries transformed her approach to ife. She started to use her worries as a way to pinpoint things she’d like to do, building her resilience as she did so. The result? In her words,

“The way that I view my anxiety has changed. I now view my fears, my worries, and my anxiety as a good thing and I use it to my advantage.”

Need a helping hand?

Life’s Little Toolkit is our handy collection of the best-loved resources as chosen by our community – and how to stop worrying is one of them. If you’re not sure if you’re worrying too much, or know you could do with a way to break free of the worry cycle, you’ll find everything you need to move forward from a handy quiz to a downloadable audio to help you get back on top of things.

Click here to download your free copy.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: Behind the mask of perfect motherhood

By

Danusia Malina-Derben

Danusia Malina-Derben is a serial entrepreneur and straight-talking consultant advising Boards and C suite clients on their Strategic leadership.

She is also founder of School For Mothers – an inspirational movement modernising motherhood one ambitious mother at a time.

She is mother of ten children including ‘her last baby’, triplets of five years old. Find out more at www.schoolformothers.com.

Latest posts by Danusia Malina-Derben (see all)

This is a guest blog by Danusia Malina-Derben.

“How DO you do it?”

This question requires an answer. It’s the missing piece of a puzzle that strikes the mind of many women I meet, especially when they learn I’m a mother of ten as well as an entrepreneur. I meet hundreds, possibly thousands as I speak all over.

The answers I could give identify my choices, how I see myself and therefore how the world might see me. And I don’t know how often I am asked this question, but I do know if I had a £1 for every time I’d be a wealthy woman, for sure.

The One Woman Conference: Taking off the mask

At the One of many One Woman Conference I was asked that question maybe 30 times in one music pumping, celebratory wisdom-fuelled, central London half-day. I didn’t attend the whole two day affair but I suspect those who did walked on air because of the high octane input.

The One of many panel discussion I took part in moved all of us in the room that day. Tears were shed as Meenal Sachdev shared about sickening child trafficking and slavery.

We were stirred by Dr Eve Hepburn and Elaine Wilkin’s mental health struggles that birthed incredible projects to support young women and those suffering with ME and Fibromyalgia. So when it came to me, in a way, all I felt I could offer was myself.

My voice, fully human, with frailties, brimming with belief for us all as we forge forward.

That’s not to suggest I don’t acknowledge the impact of my consulting work at C-suite level. It also doesn’t mean that I’m somehow shying from visibility or self-appreciation. It’s the very opposite.

It’s because I know my worth that I’m willing to be myself and show up as a remarkable-ordinary-accomplished-messy woman. It’s crucial for those of us invited onto panels and keynote giving sessions, to crack the myth of seamless life: That we wake up glossed and groomed, embodying serenity.

Breaking the myth of perfection

Let me give you a live example of my route to the conference to demonstrate this.

Having driven from the Brighton coast more than half an hour away to avoid the weekend replacement bus system I discovered the train station car park was closed. The guy at the car park was disinterested in sharing where cars could park. I mentioned I hadn’t a clue about the area and couldn’t miss my train. Gesticulating across a maddeningly complex road system he smiled and said, “Good luck, love”.

I called my eldest daughter and had what can only be described as a mini meltdown. Drama isn’t one of my life’s side dishes, yet somehow I leant full into histrionics. Did I mention the torrential rain?

As I made my way back to the station, my carefully chosen conference outfit – ankle boots, bare legs, backpack and flashy dress – proved quite the combo, as it garnered white van driver beeps. I was not amused. The trek to the train left my dress sodden, and composure deserted me.

From Victoria I had one last mission to accomplish before taking my place on the One of many stage. It was allegedly an easy task but one I managed to make an almighty ‘cock-up’ of. My assignment was to locate House of Fraser and present myself to a make-up whizz at the Mac counter. I’ve forgotten to mention my face was cleansed bare.

Being a navi-guesser rather than a navigator (despite using my iPhone with map) I circled around the station in several directions. Cue another meltdown and accompanying wobbly lower lip.

The superb assistant at Mac declared me a woman of great joie-de-vivre energetically, while slapping on far more product than I ever would have chosen. Internally I was almost beside myself as she slowly tried out strobe creams, blushers and the like. I all but ran from the shop, accosted a postman for directions and made the hotel with about 3 minutes to spare. A swift throw on of tights in a cramped loo by reception left me stage ready. Just.

The minor tribulations of my morning served to test me. They also allowed me to sit before an audience of 500 amazing women with humility uppermost in my soul. I can take my mission and purpose in life seriously, but certainly not myself.

How do I do it? 3 tips

When women ask me how I do it, truthfully I can tell them. Along the way, I’ve learned a thing or two about how I can make the difference I am here to make without finding myself swallowed up in logistics, doubts or trying to do it all.

Three of my most treasured tried-and-tested tactics are:

1. Ask for help.

I’m never too proud to admit when I need extra support so I can direct my energy where it’s most needed. From childcare to helpful postmen, I wouldn’t have been made it to the One of many stage were it not for the people I asked to support me along the way. We can do anything we want to – but we can’t do it all ourselves.

2. Let go of perfection

My face might not have been how I wanted it. I could have done with catching an earlier train. There are countless things, every day, I could do differently. But none of the women in the audience were there to judge my makeup skills, and showing up matters more to me than conforming to a timetable. I choose to focus on what matters, forgive myself for the mistakes I make along the way, and let go of the rest.

3. Go with the flow

Life’s too short to spend time wishing reality was different. “If only…” is a dangerous phrase – and it can stop women in their tracks, who tell themselves they’d love to make a real impact… but they have kids, or they’ve been out of the workplace too long, or a myriad of other reasons. I’ve longed for a simple life as much as the next woman, but the truth is I wouldn’t really exchange the glorious complexity of balancing family life – while trusting I can still have an impact – for the world.

In part that’s why I’ve founded School for Mothers (SFM). Because I DO know how mothers can retain and grow themselves as women of great talent and impact, while at the same time raising happy families.

Sadly though we’ve a global epidemic of exhausted overwhelmed mothers with many (often secret) wishes and ambitions for themselves. These same women are struggling to navigate selfhood and motherhood without monumental tension. We’ve all been fed lies that it’s either our children, or ourselves that can flourish.

So I’m calling time on archaic outgrown models of motherhood and instead heading a movement to modernise this. It’s exciting, it’s needed, and mothers are joining together for ourselves, and future generations.

Go ahead, ask me again how I do it because I’ll tell you it’s messy. I’ll tell you it’s only make-up deep and always about a daily emotional surf ride. And I’ll also tell you things are on the change for Mothers.

If you’d like to hear more about this, our first one-day event, SFM Live, lands in London on 17th November. Click here to find out more. Because one thing’s for sure, we’re in this together. It would be so good to share this day with you.

About Danusia Malina-Derben

The Straight-talking Consultant and Mother Of Ten!

Danusia Malina-Derben is a serial entrepreneur and straight-talking consultant advising Boards and C suite clients on their Strategic leadership.

She is also founder of School For Mothers – an inspirational movement modernising motherhood one ambitious mother at a time.

She is mother of ten children including ‘her last baby’, triplets of five years old. Find out more at www.schoolformothers.com.

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“I feel stuck” – 3 things to try

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’ve found yourself saying “I feel stuck” when it comes to a particular area of your life, it’s usually a sign that it’s time to take a closer look at what’s going on.

Yes, there are times when we can feel as though we’re going round in circles – I’ll always be single, I’ll never get a break – and then BAM! You bump into the man (or woman) of your dreams on a crowded train. Or you get headhunted by your dream firm for the role that feels like it was made for you.

But more often than not, if you find yourself at a place where you feel as though you’re stuck, the route out of it involves a little more conscious effort on your part. It’s often a sign that you’ve come up against a recurring block or pattern that it’s time you figured out once and for all.

If you feel stuck, here’s where to start

Bring to mind an area of your life where you’re feeling blocked or challenged right now. It might not be at crisis point, but it’s not thriving or growing either. You’re treading water or going in circles – it feels like you’re stuck.

For Amanda, owner of an editing business, it was her work where she was really starting to feel that things weren’t working.

“I wanted to have more of an impact, and to feel like I knew where I was going. I felt like if I slowed down, everything would fall apart – but I wasn’t going anywhere.”

Can you relate? I know I’ve had times where I’ve really felt like a bit of a “husk”– as though I’d somehow lost the juicy, energised feeling that comes when you’re connected to your calling. For entrepreneurs, that can be deadly. We need to be able to connect to a vision that enables us to get energised and creative; that will allow us to innovate and flex our businesses to meet the demands of the marketplace.

And it can happen in other areas of your life, too. Maybe your relationship’s starting to feel really stale. You’re not fighting but you’re not exactly tearing each other’s clothes off, either.

Or you’re managing your kids, but not having the kind of fun you’d like to. Coursework and teenage arguments have taken over family play times.

Whatever it is you’re stuck with, here are 3 powerful questions to ask if you find yourself feeling stuck.

Saying “I feel stuck”? Try these 3 things

  1. Ask yourself if you’re living in line with your values

One of the foundational elements of our BePowerful course is an exercise where we discover our values. It’s such an important thing to do, identifying what really matters most to you.

If you haven’t done it before, try scanning the books on your shelf – they’ll often reveal what you’re willing to spend time and energy on.

Getting clear on your values can reveal some surprising things. For example, in Amanda’s case she found that a couple of her values were in conflict. This is something a lot of us find, and it can lead to a “stuck” feeling when we find ourselves “pulled” in opposite directions.

“On my coaching call, we talked about one of the conflicts that had come up. I really wanted stability for my family, but I also wanted to be able to take risks and do things differently. So I started this little online makeup business. It’s just fun. And I’d never have done this before. It’s made me connect with so many people and have fun with it, and explore my creativity – I would never have done any of that.”

Figure out what your values are, and ask yourself if there are any that are moving in opposite directions. Maybe you’re craving adventure, but you also really value security, and you’ve ended up turning into a homebody.

How can you incorporate more of your values into your life? Can you find an outlet for any values that aren’t currently being met?

2. Do you need to do some inner work?

Amanda traced her stuckness back to a far more serious challenge she’d faced a few years previously.

“I’d got burned out a couple of years ago, and ended up with depression and anxiety. When I started BePowerful I’d recovered enough to start thinking about the future.

I’m the kind of person who reads everything. I’m always trying to learn and know more. And after being depressed, I just knew I had to start taking care of myself – especially because everyone was dependent on me.

The course really opened my eyes to the fact that, while I love the business – as editors for educational publishers we do a good job, we’re helping the next generation to learn – I’ve been doing it for a long time. And I’d lost some of my enthusiasm.

I knew what I needed to do, but I never really had the tools to do it. I’ve never been one for meditation and that kind of thing, but it’s so useful. Just listening to the meditations, some really surprising things came up. It’s been amazing. My mindset now is completely different.”

Like Amanda, a lot of us have an inkling that it’s time to explore some of what’s going on beneath the surface – and yet it can be hard to know exactly how to do that in a way that’s structured and sustainable.

Perhaps you’d like to explore 1:1 coaching so that you can work through what comes up with a trained professional.

When you’re feeling “stuck” it’s an ideal opportunity to investigate some of your subconscious blocks or inherited patterns. As Amanda realized, times of extreme burnout or depression aren’t the best time to begin doing the work of changing your mindset. But if you’ve come out of a challenging time and can’t seem to get your mojo back, getting some outside support could be the answer.

3. Are you in victim mode?

Amanda was really motivated to find some way to tap back into her proactivity. As the main breadwinner in her family, she had a powerful incentive to turn things around.

But for some of us, that path isn’t quite as clear. Instead of looking for extra support or seeking to educate ourselves about how we can change our behaviours, we can find ourselves sinking into “victim” mode. Signs you’re adopting a victim mindset include:

  • Feeling that you’re not ‘good’ enough or ‘intelligent’ (or smart, or thin, or, or…) to change your situation – everyone else can do it, just not you.
  • Blaming everyone around you for the things you want to change
  • Telling yourself that you’re being silly for wanting more, and you should just be happy that you have the things you do

Victim is one of the disempowering archetypes that many women find themselves in. It can be exceptionally hard to find your way out of it by yourself, so if you feel as though “victim” is sapping your strength do reach out to a coach to see if she can provide you with some support – or connect with our Facebook group to find free support from our community.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to support a friend with burnout

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Research from Montreal University earlier this year revealed once more something most of us are anecdotally aware of: women are far more likely to suffer from work-related burnout than men. Even if burnout hasn’t affected you directly, you’re almost certain to come across a woman experiencing it at some point: whether it’s your sister, your cousin, your old school friend or that colleague who never stopped working (until she had to).

So when it strikes, how can we make a difference to the amazing women around us who find themselves at the point of burnout? Are there things we can say or do to help support each other and avoid getting to it in the first place?

It’s worth noting that if someone you know is having more serious challenges, or isn’t being supported in any other way, it’s important for them to receive appropriate help. That might mean talking to their GP, accessing Occupational Health support via work, or contacting a professional who’s equipped to give them the support they need.

But outside of that, woman to woman, there’s an awful lot you can do to make a real difference to someone who’s struggling. Here are 5 places to start:

  1. Listen

I mean, really listen. Not while you’re scrolling through Facebook; not while you’re ‘just finishing this one email’. Turn off your devices, go somewhere quiet if you can (or use headphones if you’re on your mobile!) and give your friend the space to talk about what’s going on. In our Women’s coach training, we call this “devoted listening” – and it’s such a powerful thing to do.

For lots of us, resisting the urge to dive in with suggestions can be challenging. When we’re used to solving problems, from sales strategy to screaming toddlers, we can find ourselves locked in “solution” mode.

But feeling heard and acknowledged is a really important part of fostering true relationship, and in allowing each other to connect to our own wisdom.

So make some time to listen, and allow your friend to share exactly what’s happening for them, without interruptions.

2. Practice observation

When you’re talking to someone who’s going through burnout, it’s really important to give them space to talk. What can also be helpful is to get curious – put yourself in “observer” mode. Your aim isn’t to interrogate or criticise them, but you can gently reflect back what you’re noticing or hearing.

For example, you might notice that as they talk they’re repeatedly referring to times when they dropped everything to deal with someone else’s emergency.

Lovingly pointing that out, without emotion or judgment – “It sounds as though you’re often having to chair the team meeting at the last minute when Fred can’t make it” rather than “God, Fred’s always letting you down isn’t he?” – can be a really respectful way to help them connect to their own guidance.

The other important thing to bear in mind is our tendency to want to help others, which can often come in the form of “rescuing” them from a situation by taking it on ourselves.

Needless to say, adopting their stress as your own won’t help either of you. Powerful listening and gentle reflection of what’s happening is the most compassionate way to get truly present to what’s happening, without disempowering or patronising.

3. Signpost where you can

As your friend talks, it may become clear that there’s somewhere they could access more help from.

Maybe they’re finding it hard to stand up for themselves and set boundaries; they could really do with someone to delegate household chores to, or they’re in need of an amazing PA to share some of the business load with them.

When you’re in the thick of things, just looking for a solution can feel like a mountain to climb. With their permission, ask if there’s anything you can do to help them find the support they need.

Be specific – “Would you like me to find the phone number of a local cleaner who could pop in for an hour a week?”, for example, or “Shall I ask my amazing accountant to email you about setting up a meeting?”

Your aim isn’t to add more things to your friend’s to-do list – and if what she needs is time to rest and do nothing, it’s really important to respect that. But if you can help her connect to the support that could really make a difference, you might find that’s the greatest gift you can give.

4. Come back to Love

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are our guides to stepping into our uniquely female leadership – and Mother is the PowerType that’s most compassionate and caring when it comes to the people in our lives.

Healthy Mother energy is able to hold unconditional love for those close to us (without depleting herself or moving into self-sacrifice.)

That means letting your friend know you’re there for her, you value her, and you love her just as she is – no matter how she’s feeling, or what she thinks she’s failed at.

It’s also important to remember to take time to replenish yourself. If you’re taking care of someone in your life, it can be emotionally exhausting, so make sure you give yourself space to fill up and restore your energy.

It will enable you to be the best support possible for them as they move out of burnout and back to healing.

5. Help them stop it happening again

Many women in our community describe burnout as a wake up call – and a catalyst for them to make changes in their life to stop it happening again.

When the time is right, helping your friend to explore the lessons a challenging experience has brought them, and reassuring them that they’re not alone in having gone through it, can be a really kind thing to do.

Whether it’s shifting careers, balancing responsibilities or restoring healthier boundaries, knowing we’re supported by others has a huge impact on our recovery, resilience and ability to thrive after a setback like burnout.

Are you a natural helper?

If you’re a born supporter who loves helping women get their mojo back after a challenge, or be kind to themselves during times of stress or burnout, have you ever considered becoming a coach?

Coaches help women with all kinds of challenges – overwhelm and burnout are just one of them – and training to provide this kind of support can lead to an incredibly rewarding career if you enjoy interacting with and empowering other women.

You can find out more about our Coaching Certification program by watching our free online training, The Secret To Coaching Women – click here to book your spot.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When you’re so tired you could cry

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I was exhausted. At the end of my tether. And I knew there was one place I could turn to for help. “Today I feel so tired I could cry,” I typed into Facebook.

It was August, and we were in Bali, where our peaceful family time had been interrupted by an earthquake, of all things. While badly shaken, luckily we weren’t in one of the worst impacted areas. But it felt like the final straw.

You’ve probably been there at some point – those times when you’ve been keeping it all together and then, suddenly, it all catches up with you.

It had been a few months of fairly epic amounts of getting stuff done. Business was thriving; we’d welcomed new team members and grown our community. We’d unexpectedly had to move house, packing up all our belongings and putting them in storage before travelling halfway round the world to Australia. The restful break we’d planned in Thailand on the way out featured our entire family (me included) getting totally wiped out by a gastric bug… and now, on our way home, the earthquake.

When things feel hard? Reach out

So I did what I often do when things feel too much – I reached out to the One of many community. The place where some of  the most capable, competent women I know come to be vulnerable, admit we’re human, and ask for help. (If you’re not in it, and that sounds like what you need – come join us! Here’s the link).

And, of course, the ladies there did what they always do. They rallied.

Within hours I was looking at a huge list of virtual hugs, practical support, and some of the most grounded advice I’ve received. So, with deep thanks to everyone who came to my aid, here are some of the best bits of advice they shared:

1. Write a list

This was actually the first thing I did, as part of my post – and wow, did it feel good to get it all out. Off the top of my head a total of 31 things I’d achieved in the past 7 weeks came pouring out – everything from packing up our house and moving it into storage, to nursing the family through gastro – and the important detail that I’d not slept for longer than 3 hours since my daughter was born over a year ago!

Writing things out doesn’t change them, but it’s a powerful way of remembering just WHY you’re so tired. And I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to spend more time staring at the list of everything I haven’t done than the amazing things I have.

So go ahead: write out everything you’ve been up to lately: your wins, big and small, the unplanned challenges, and all the little energy-draining things that you’ve been managing.

I bet you’ll be pretty impressed when you consider it all!

2. Show yourself some love

The love I felt from the community who took the time to write comments, send heart emojis, and generally let me know I was seen and valued, was something else.

And the person I really needed to love me… was me.

We’re all so supportive of each other. And yet it can be easy to be much harder on ourselves than we would a friend.

Next time you’re having a rough day, think about what you’d say to someone you loved who found themselves in your situation. Would you tell her to go gentle? Take it easy? STOP?

Take your own advice, and give yourself some of that loving care and attention.

3. Feel it in your body

Loads of women reminded me that after something like an earthquake (or shock, or burnout, or meltdown), it takes time for the fear and stress hormones to pass through your body.

Massage, exercise and deep rest are so important to allow our bodies to process.

If you’re menstruating, consider where you are in your cycle. That’s not to invalidate your feelings, but to acknowledge the impact that our physical bodies have on our emotions. Listen to what they have to tell you.

Ask yourself: what does my body need right now?

Movement? Rest? Touch? Chocolate? And then do it.

4. Be honest

If there’s one thing I learned from sharing my story it’s that so many of us have been through this. Telling people you’re feeling wiped out does two things: it allows you to bask in the amazing love and support, and it allows others to know they’re not alone.

When you hit rock bottom, don’t isolate yourself. Reach out, no matter how.

Post on social media, tell your neighbour, answer honestly when someone asks how you’re doing.

We’re all in this together.

5. Ask for help

“Delegate for all your worth!” was one comment.

I love this, because it reminds us that when we’re exhausted it’s time to lean on the support that’s always out there for us. My tip? Be specific.

I need you to cook dinner.

I need you to babysit the kids for one hour while I take a walk outside and let out how I’m feeling.

I need you to read through this email and tell me what the person is actually asking me to do.

Make a list of the things you’d love to get help with, and ask as many people as you can for help with them. That way if one person says no, you’ll have someone else who’d probably love to help.

6. Keep it simple

Soft Power Principle #1 is this: Rest and replenish.

In other words, don’t try to solve the world’s problems (or even just yours) when everything’s on top of you. Eat something, for the love of god, and get some rest. (“Go to bed and sleep until YOU wake up” was one piece of advice I loved.)

Promise your anxious brain that everything will still be there when you’re back on form – and I promise it will seem ten thousand times more manageable.

7. Remember all the tools you already have

The one big thing I learned? That the practices and routines I ALREADY had in place were my biggest weapon. It was one of our coaches whose comment really struck a chord with how I was feeling:

“There is no way you’d have been able to do all this without looking after yourself along the way.

Your mind, body and connection to the Divine have enabled you to do all this because you look after them and your connections to them. You and they have done an amazing job. You built up all these energy resources and a support network which has enabled you to achieve and cope with so much.

Now it’s time to rest and recharge and be grateful for it all”

She was right. I hadn’t got to the point of burnout, because the tools I’ve been using along the way were so powerful they’d allowed me to stay replenished through it all. They were what made this a low point rather than a total crash.

Do you have a set of strategies or practices in place to support you if life took an unexpected turn? If you don’t, our free resources are a great place to start.

When you’re so tired you could cry, what happens next?

And so, I took the advice I was given, and that my heart and body were telling me to do:

First I replenished my energy. I had a massage that very afternoon, followed by going to bed early – and I spent the hour on the massage table dreaming about what I could possibly not do, and the following days asking for the support I needed to make that happen.

It wasn’t an overnight fix. Some of the challenges I had took a bit more time to sort out. But I was able to get there, using the amazing support our community gave me – and whatever you’re facing, I have no doubt you can do the same.

Who would you call?

If you could do with your own community of amazing women cheering you on when things get rough, click here to join the BeOne community. You’ll get an invitation to join our amazing Facebook group, invitations to free coaching calls, and access to a huge bank of resources, recordings and friends.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When to say no to your boss

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

You know you have to say no if you’re going to make progress on what you’re actually trying to achieve at work. But one of the most challenging times to uphold your boundaries can be when the request you’re declining comes from your boss, a client, or someone else in a position of authority. You respect them, you have a role to respond to the tasks they ask of you, and you probably work with them pretty closely. So when is it appropriate to turn down what’s being asked of you? How do you know when to say no to your boss?

When to say no to your boss

Of course, there are some clear situations when it’s definitely necessary to say no. If you’re being asked to do something illegal, unethical or immoral, for example, most of us would feel pretty confident in taking the right course of action and letting them know that’s not okay.

But what if your “no” is more of a grey area? If you’re saying no to something because you have too many other things on your plate, for example, or because there’s something happening at home that’s impacting your capacity to absorb extra tasks?

Here are 3 times when it’s good to say no

Say no before you’re overwhelmed

If you’re someone who’s motivated by feeling helpful and getting approval from those in senior positions, it can be easy to find yourself saying “yes” to every request that comes your way.

The trouble with that approach is that eventually, it all tends to mount up on top of you. 

The pressure builds until, whether through sickness, burnout or overwhelm, you can find yourself at breaking point. That’s when you have no choice but to say “no” because you’re simply not able to function any more.

If you notice the signs of burnout appearing, or you’re starting to feel overwhelmed, anxious or unwell, it’s time to say no to some of the things on your plate.

“It’s fine for you to ask me to do extra things but I’m going to have to say no to some of them. I’ve been doing a lot lately, and I need some time to recharge right now.”

Say no when you’re replenished

If you’re asked to do something that feels as though it might not be possible, it’s OK not to respond straight away. It sounds obvious but it can make a huge difference to your judgment, and the way you convey your response. Let the person know that you need some time to see if you can accommodate them, and that you’ll get back to them.

“I have a lot on right now – I’ll see if I can fit this in and get back to you.”

Seeing that you’re taking the time to consider a request is reassuring to the person asking. It shows you take your commitments seriously, and that you value completing the tasks you do competently.

Take some time to have a drink, eat if you’re hungry, go to the loo or take a few deep breaths. You’ll find it easier to convey the reasons for your “no” more clearly when you’re filled up rather than running on empty.

Say no when you’re clear on your priorities

When you’re someone who’s competent and capable it’s easy to become the office “go-to” for all kinds of requests. After all, you:

handled that challenging client…

unblocked the photocopier…

formulated the perfect wording… so beautifully before, right?

If it’s a task you love, you might be happy to say yes. (If you’re thinking of shifting your career, for example, it can be great development to have the opportunity to experiment with tasks outside your normal role).

But if it’s something that’s way outside your remit, and you know the person is asking because they think you’ll say yes rather than because it’s your job, then ask yourself if what they’re asking really fits with your priorities. Is this part of the difference you’re here to make to the team or the business?

“I’m focusing on [Big Goal] right now, and that’s my main priority. So I can’t help with  [request] today.”

Framing your no with reference to your shared goals is a powerful way to remind others that your time is just as important as theirs. If they’re persistent, let them know what you’ll need to re-prioritise in order to help them out: so they’re absolutely clear on the impact their request will have.

Say no whenever you want

You’re a grown woman, and it goes without saying that you can absolutely say no to whoever you want, whenever you want. You don’t need my, or anyone else’s permission for that.

But if you want your “no” to be powerful, effective and impactful – and not to burn bridges or hurt feelings – then it’s worth thinking about how you express it.

When did you last say “no”, and how was it received? Did you learn anything from the experience: either strategies you’d use in future, or something you’d definitely avoid? Share your experience in the comments.

Want to say no with confidence and be respected every time?

Enough is Enough is our free guide to creating unshakeable boundaries and reclaiming your space. Click here to download your free copy.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Mindfulness: where to start

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Mindfulness is the practice of bringing awareness to the present moment, or what is actually happening. It can be easier said than done – most of us spend a lot of our time either processing what has happened in the past, or projecting and planning the future. Here are some tips if you’re curious about mindfulness: where to start, how to come back to being mindful if you find yourself caught up in old patterns, and why it can be such a powerful practice.

Why mindfulness?

Mindfulness has been practiced for thousands of years and forms an important part of the Buddhist tradition, where it takes the form of meditation. Other common ways to experience mindfulness include yoga, mindful eating, classes, and online courses and apps. Since the 1970s, it’s been increasingly used within Western medicine as a way to reduce stress, anxiety and depression.

In the UK, mindfulness combined with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is currently recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) for the prevention of relapse in recurrent depression.

Many people have reported that mindfulness has helped reduce stress and anxiety and enabled them to cope better with the demands of their busy lives.

In the words of our Head Coach Annie Stoker, mindfulness is

“A tool to become totally aware in the present moment, feel radically alive and completely open to your own experience. Not only can life become more vivid, enjoyable and interesting, but mindfulness also brings the opportunity for profound healing of unhelpful mental and emotional patterns.”

Mindfulness: Where to start?

If you’re curious about mindfulness, and how it could have an impact on your life, it’s important to remember that mindfulness is most effective when it’s used as a practice: something you do regularly, ideally daily, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time.

If you’re someone who tends to dive into new ideas you might be tempted to sign up for a week-long retreat, or commit to an hour of mindfulness every morning at dawn. Those things can be great, but can be hard to keep up over the long term, which is how you’ll receive the best benefit.

Here are three ways to start introducing mindfulness into your life.

1. Start with a plan

If mindfulness is a practice you’ve been thinking about trying, start by planning how you’re going to incorporate it into your day.

Like exercise, mindfulness isn’t something that will create lasting change overnight, so think about how you could realistically include it in your life.

Are there particular times when you know you’ll be able to create the space to change into a different mindset?

Here are some ideas for how to bring mindfulness into your day:

  • Get up slightly earlier each day and practice mindfulness in the quiet of the morning
  • If you make a regular journey, like a commute or school pickup, commit to spending some time being mindful at the beginning or end
  • Practice mindful eating for a meal, snack or cup of tea each day
  • Give yourself a few moments of mindfulness before you go to bed
  • Instead of listening to music or podcasts, try incorporating mindfulness into your regular exercise routine: walking, running or yoga

2. Be consistent, not perfect

A lot of us have the impression that the “perfect” way to be mindful involves smiling peacefully to yourself as you connect to your inner sense of zen.

Well, sometimes that can be the case – but mindfulness is an invitation to connect to the present moment and really become aware of what you’re experiencing, both in your body and your mind. Which, unless you’re some kind of saint, won’t always be calm and serene! In fact, you might be experiencing anxiety, sadness, anger or frustration.

The point isn’t to “fix” what you’re feeling, but to become aware of it.

So don’t be tempted to skip a session if you’re not in the ‘right’ frame of mind. The purpose of the practice is to become aware of how you are in that moment.

If you’re feeling stressed or worried, give yourself the space to pay attention to exactly how that’s showing up (hunched shoulders? churning tummy?) for the time you’ve allocated to yourself.

It’s the commitment to pausing and paying attention at moments of tension that can be the most powerful way to change our patterns.

3. Notice what changes

When you’ve started a new activity, there are two benefits to noticing how it’s impacting you: it can motivate you to continue, and it can also show you where you might want to change your approach.

If you don’t do it already, journalling first thing in the morning (“morning pages” as taught by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way) is a fantastic tool for tracking your emotions and recording how you’re doing when you make changes in your life.

Notice if after a few weeks or months mindfulness has an impact on how you’re responding to challenges or upsets, or your approach to what’s going on in your life.

Ask yourself if practicing mindfulness has felt challenging at all, and whether it’s time to make any changes.

For example:

  • Could you change the time you’re practicing? Perhaps you’re too tired at night and it would work better for you to get up a bit earlier so you can be mindful before work
  • Could you set up prompts to help you be more consistent? An alarm on your phone, or an app that might support you if you find yourself forgetting or skipping sessions?
  • Could you find support or training? A local class, coach or online group to answer questions and help overcome the feeling of ‘not doing it right’?

When you just don’t have time

If you’re thinking “I’d love to make some time to be mindful – but I barely have five minutes to myself these days” then it might be time to create some time to nourish yourself before things get too much.

BeFruitful is our signature time management program designed by women, for women – and we promise it will help you find an extra 5 hours in your week, at least. Read the full details and book your place on this life-changing training by clicking here.

Not every approach works for every woman. But unless you give it a try, you won’t know if this is a technique that might make all the difference. With the current levels of stress, anxiety and burnout in women it’s vital that we each find the ways that work best for us to maintain our wellbeing and take care of our physical and mental health.

Have you tried mindfulness? How did you get started, and do you have any tips to share with anyone who’s curious about bringing it into their lives? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.