One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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Who Is the Most Important Person in Your Life?

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

So who did you think of first? Your baby? Your partner? Your mother?

The most important relationship you will have in your life is the one you have with yourself.

But let’s get real here. Not many of us have a stack of time these days to spoil ourselves. Right now, heading off to the spa or going away with the girls for a week just isn’t realistic. What’s more, most of us are so busy holding up everyone else in our lives, we barely have a minute to take for ourselves.

When someone tells me to “take care of myself”, I think: “When?”

So if doing more isn’t the answer, what is?

Today I want look a little more deeply at how you connect with yourself. Because actually, when you strip away the external ways we take care of ourselves, we have an opportunity to explore the fundamental beliefs that lie beneath. And when you know how to accept yourself – even love yourself – that’s when things really start to change.

After all, you can have all the massages in the world – but if you fundamentally think of yourself as being useless, inadequate and a failure, they’re not going to make much of a difference to your day to day experience.

Maybe it’s time to start thinking about the relationship with ourselves the same way as we think of our relationship with other people, especially the significant people in our lives. We spend a lot of mental and emotional energy on maintaining and improving those relationships. But how much positive emotional energy do you put back into yourself?

Here are 4 ways to begin to cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself.

They’re simple, free, and you can do them anywhere.

Why not pop them on a post it note, stick them to the fridge, and start reconnecting to yourself today?

4 ways to nurture your relationship with yourself

#1 ATTENTION

Developing a relationship with yourself is not selfish. It doesn’t have to be about spending more time alone. By paying attention to how you really are, you can begin to notice how you react to things, instead of jumping to feel the way you think you “should”. Try simply being mindful of your emotions as you go about your day and tuning into how you really feel. Be heard.

#2 APPRECIATION

One essential element of a good relationship is appreciation. Think of how much you do in a day! Be thankful you can do these things and appreciate your ability do them. Be grateful for yourself; for your mind, for your body, for your heart. No one else knows all the things you do – the way you take care of your team; the hours you spend worrying about people you care about; the juggle that goes on every day for you to be present for the things you need to do. Take a second to really appreciate yourself for trying, and for everything you do – however imperfectly.

#3 AFFECTION

As your relationship with yourself develops, you have to be willing to both give affection and receive affection. You have to be open to being gentle with yourself. Give yourself time, give yourself patience, give yourself love. Can you introduce some gentle physical affection too? If that feels hard, start with something small, like a lovely hand cream or a soft pair of gloves for walking are a great place to start.

#4 ACCEPTANCE

No relationship is perfect. We’ll all probably do things that make no sense as we go about improving the relationship we have with ourselves. We’ll go to bed mad with ourselves. We’ll be critical and judgmental – we’re only human, after all. But we’ll make up. Accept the relationship will have its ups and downs. Because every relationship does. Learn how to accept yourself – flaws, frustrations and all – and life will get a whole lot easier.

How about you?

How do you feel about yourself today? What small act of kindness could you do for yourself to show how much you care?

Does your most important relationship need a boost?

Love and Intimacy is a free 3-hour workshop to help you nurture the relationships in your life – with yourself, your partner, family and friends. In this warm, practical session we’ll gather to explore what challenges we’re facing in our relationships and how you can learn to overcome them.

Registration is free, and if you can’t make the live session we’ll share a recording.

Click here to sign up for your free place.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

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10 rituals to support you when your world turns upside down

By

Kat Holden
Kat Holden
Kat has 20+ years of professional experience and has worked around the world in the private and public sector.She knows first hand the challenges that come with working in a highly competitive environment and dealing with stress, overwhelm and imposter syndrome - all the while trying to remain authentic to yourself.

Today, Kat works as one of the in-house coaches for One Of Many, alongside her own work where she coaches exceptional people all over the world, helping them to figure out how to define their lives in a positive, healthy and fulfilling way, helping them to discover their best selves and live their very best lives after their battle with cancer.
Kat Holden
Latest posts by Kat Holden (see all)

If you’ve experienced trauma of any kind, you know first hand how everything can change in the blink of an eye. It comes in many guises. It could be divorce, or death of a loved one, being made redundant, children leaving home or even a violent crime. For me it was a cancer diagnosis.

Whatever the catalyst, often the feeling is as though you’ve lost yourself. We get lost in fear and overwhelm, anger and even depression. It can feel like we are spinning out of control, that we are powerless and alone.

At a time when it’s so difficult to hold a thought, or have the strength to get out of bed and with our life spiralling, the most important first step is to reclaim a semblance of our strength both physically and emotionally.

The question is how?

My journey to thriving after trauma

As I sat in my oncologist’s office, doing my best to focus on his words but in reality just listening to white noise, feeling helpless and hopeless, he said something that snapped me out of my reverie:

“Are you listening to me Katrina? It’s really important for you to hear this… your survival is dependant on you seeing this treatment through to the end and it’s your responsibility to keep yourself as healthy as possible to be able to do so.”

My responsibility. My responsibility.

I kept turning those words over in my mind, at first feeling overwhelmed by them and then the realisation of what was happening.

The very clever oncologist had just shown me the way out of feeling disempowered and hopeless to empowered and knowing how I was going to play my part during this chapter of my life. And my focus was my vitality.

To feel empowered when our world is spinning out of control takes small consistent steps every day. It’s those steps that encourage us to get up, get dressed and live our best possible day.

Here are the ten daily rituals that took me from lost and overwhelmed to feeling healthy and strong.

10 rituals to support you when your world turns upside down

  1. Morning pages. On a good day, I wrote my morning pages, processing, ranting, raging, accepting. On a bad day, I focused on the mantra, ‘this time shall pass – just keep breathing’.
  2. Gentle exercise. I got outside every day – some days it was a 60 second walk to the gate, a 10 minute rest and then another 60 seconds back. On other days I could walk the 20 minutes to the park, the fresh air in my lungs, my mind focusing on the sky and the trees, feeling the wind on my face.
  3. Wholesome food. Take the chemicals out of your diet and stay hydrated. This part of my vitality plan was most difficult for me as the anti-sickness tablets never worked – I relied on Jo’s homemade recipe of 4 parts water, 1 part orange juice and a pinch of salt to keep my dialytes in check and the only food I could keep down were cream crackers, brazil nuts and extra strong mints – the later being my Mum’s unsuccessful solution to stop me from being sick.
  4. Allow others to help. A tough lesson for me. At the time, I was an independent corporate woman who knew all the answers. I had no idea how to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to share my fears, to show my real emotions. This chapter in my life shaped me and my relationships forever. By showing my vulnerability and finding the courage to allow loved ones to help, past hurts have been healed, love and acceptance shared, forgiveness given and received. Be brave, be you and accept that love and support from loved ones who are able to give. (That’s a whole other blog post – along with the kindness of strangers.)
  5. Mindfulness. Every day find 10 minutes to just sit and breathe. Our breath is our life force and when we are stressed we have a tendency to breath shallow and fast, some of us even hold our breath. These 10 minutes will slow your mind down and bring much needed calm to an anxious mind and body.
  6. Laughter. I guarantee you will laugh again and soon. You will find joy in the smallest of things. The restorative power of a funny film or book, listening to your favourite comedian, crying with laughter after falling down the hole in the bed after radiation treatment and having to be pulled out by two nurses… You will come through this time with moments and memories, stories and wisdom that will replenish you mind, body and soul.
  7. Love. Surround yourself with loved ones who uplift you, support you, bring you cake… the ones who bring normality into your current routine with stories of their days – the ones who don’t look at you with pity but remind you of your strength. The ones who make plans with you, who drive you to the beach, who pack blankets and pillows in the car because they know you’re going to sleep all the way home…
  8. Gratitude. The quickest and most joyful way to reignite your energy, to warm your heart, to bring clarity and appreciation for life. Whether you write in your journal or allow those thoughts to flow through your body – a few moments every day as a reminder of all you have will boost your vitality and pull you forward towards a brand new day.
  9. Rest. Good quality sleep may be elusive for a while and as it’s the corner stone to vitality, you must find a way to rest throughout the day. Whether that’s finding time to nap, or allowing others to cook the dinner whilst you have a bath, make sure you prioritise this time. And remember a relaxing wind-down routine at the end of the day can make a huge difference to your ability to fall asleep.
  10. Extra support. Whatever challenge you’re facing, or have faced, I highly recommend finding a counsellor or therapist who can help you make sense of it all and help you to heal. Our emotional resilience during any trauma is of upmost importance – it is this that takes us from surviving to thriving. The professional help I had during and after my cancer battle was life changing for me.

It was that safe space, support and the kindness that was shown to me that ignited a passion with me and became the driving force behind my own business as I went on to qualify as a coach, an art therapist and an EFT practitioner so I could support others in their success stories as they too came back to life.

What resources and rituals help you thrive?

These practices made all the difference to me. But I’d love to know your rituals – perhaps something that seems small, but made all the difference when times have been tough.

Share them in the comments below.

About Kat Holden

Kat has 20+ years of professional experience and has worked around the world in the private and public sector.  She knows first hand the challenges that come with working in a highly competitive environment and dealing with stress, overwhelm and imposter syndrome – all the while trying to remain authentic to yourself.

Kat began coaching over 10 years ago.  Her ah-ha moment came during 7 long years of serious illness.  It was then she discovered the power of coaching, personal development and modern psychology.   Unsurprisingly as Kat discovered who she was at her core, healed past traumas and fears, she grew stronger and began to thrive; her happiness and confidence exploded.   

Of course everyone around her wanted to know how this transformation came about including the doctors and specialists who had become an everyday part of life, so in 2014 Kat set up Kat Holden – Life After Cancer – Coaching & Consulting to revolutionise the way we live and work post cancer.    

Today, Kat works as one of the in-house coaches for One of many, alongside her own work where she coaches exceptional people all over the world, helping them to figure out how to define their lives in a positive, healthy and fulfilling way, helping them to discover their best selves and live their very best lives after their battle with cancer.

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How to get back on track

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Is it time to reconnect with yourself and what motivates you? Maybe you're returning from a gorgeous unplugged holiday, passing a milestone like a birthday or preparing for a new phase after retirement, redundancy or maternity leave. Or it might be a more subtle nudge – a sense that life’s starting to feel a little stale, or the path you're on doesn’t feel as exciting as it once did. Today I want to share what I’ve learned about how to get back on track, and share a simple 4-step process you can use whenever you need to plug back into your motivation.

Often, when you feel like you need a “fresh start”, the temptation is to launch into action. You know the drill: You set some outlandish goals (rising at 4am! 1 hour’s meditation every morning!), write yourself an impossible to-do list, and attack your priorities like a woman possessed.

There are two problems with this.

Firstly, driving yourself to do more and more as a way of avoiding the sense that you’re fundamentally dissatisfied is a bit like turning the treadmill up to a faster speed, instead of asking yourself if you want to be on it in the first place.

It exhausts you, setting you on course to end up frazzled and even burnt out. Paying attention to that little “I could do with a boost” niggle now can save you a whole stack of problems in the long run, when your body ends up forcing you to take a break.

Secondly, it’s not actually very effective. There’s a reason why New Year’s Resolutions are so notorious for barely lasting beyond the average New Year’s Day hangover. When we focus on what we’re doing, instead of why we’re doing it, it’s exponentially harder to maintain motivation and keep going.

So although the “superwoman” within might balk at the idea of taking time out to dig into what really matters instead of just blindly getting on with things, this might actually be the most productive thing you can do with your time. It's the process I use at the start of every year and whenever I need to reconnect to a fresh energy. Quite simply, it's how to get back on track.

How to get back on track – the 4 step process

#1 Write down your values

If you’ve been in our community a little while, or you’ve been on a One of many retreat, you’ll already be familiar with your values. But it’s still worth checking back in and asking yourself the simple question: “What’s most important to me?”

If you’re not familiar with your values, they’re one word or short phrases which describe the things which matter most to you in life. What’s important to remember is they’re abstract, intangible concepts: things like love, connection, mastery, influence or service. (The shorthand we often use to check whether something’s a value is “you can’t put it in a wheelbarrow!”)

Your values provide your upfront motivation in life – if you do something, it’s because consciously or unconsciously you believe it’s of value.

So take 15 minutes or so to write your list of the things which matter most.

Next, go through your list and do a quick edit. Group together any which feel really similar so that you have a slightly shorter list, of up to 10 key values.

When you have your most important values, it’s time to number them in order of importance.

If you could only express one value in your life, what would that be? That’s your number one. And so on, until you’ve given each value a number.

A note if you’re a perfectionist: It goes without saying that this is an exercise that’s just for you. There’s no magic formula which will give you the “right” answer, so try not to overthink it too much!

#2 Where’d all the time go?

OK, so you’ve spent some time looking at your values and you’ve figured out how you’d like them to look in an ideal world. Hopefully, you've created a vision that makes you feel GOOD. If you spent each day with those values guiding you, you’d be fulfilled, happy and feel on track.

So what’s happening right now that means you don’t feel that way?

Time to play detective.

And here’s the thing – we’re actually, most of us, pretty bad at guessing how we spend our time. So I recommend a forensic approach. For as long as you can – a week is ideal – set a timer on your phone for 15 minutes and when it goes off, jot down what you’re doing.

That might sound like a lot, but the insight you’ll gain from tracking a week of how you spend your time is absolute gold when it comes to working out why you’re feeling a little “meh” about life.

Because the second part of this time-tracking phase is to note down the value that’s behind each activity.

The beauty of tracking your time in such detail is that you really get to figure out what drives you for even the smallest detail of your day.

A quick example: when I last did this exercise, I found myself wondering what need my daily showers met. Was it cleanliness? Professionalism? Approval?

No, actually, I realised that the value that lay behind my morning shower was vitality. Those precious minutes wake me up and leave me feeling energised and alert for the day ahead.

So get stuck in, and be honest! Some of your answers might surprise you. 

#3 Journal about what you discover

This step is one which you’ll probably be itching to get to after you’ve completed your values list and your time audit. You can really discover some fascinating insights when you compare and contrast your two lists.

Perhaps – like me and my showers – you’ll be surprised to find the elements of your day which do align with your values, and feel grateful for those pockets of real fulfilment.

This is a great opportunity to practice conscious gratitude, whether it’s the love you’re expressing as you scrape your kid's porridge off their bib or the service you show to your team when you respond promptly to their questions.

You’ll also find activities where there’s a gap between your values and how you spend your time.

Are you wasting your days at a job you’re really only at for the approval it’s winning you, or showing up for an exercise class you don’t enjoy because you’re “committed”? Then it's time for step 4...

#4 Work out what needs to change

When you spot a gap between your “ideal world” list of values, and how you’re spending your time, it’s time to start thinking about what changes you need to make.

Sometimes just getting that awareness is enough to make changes.

You can start to make choices about activities you want to let go of, and things you want to get more of – in a far more powerful way than selecting activities on an arbitrary basis.

If you’ve noticed that there seems to be a lot of unconscious patterns at play, or drivers like fear or approval that are pushing you towards activities which don’t feel fulfilling, we’d love to help.

Click here to book in a call with one of the team and we can explore what might be going on, and whether one of our retreats or programs could help.

Enjoy the journey

If you’ve heard the old adage “it’s about the journey, not the destination” you might have found yourself wondering how that’s possible, when times are tough. Connecting to your values is the answer. If you understand your life values, you can start to feel more fulfilled in your every day, no matter what’s going on around you.

I'd love to know your values, and how much you feel your daily life is currently aligned with them. Share your top 5 in the comments!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When self care feels like a chore

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When you’re working flat out just to stay on top of your responsibilities, self-care can feel like one more thing you don’t have time for. If your idea of self-love is crossing the final item off your to-do list – and maybe getting 8 hours sleep to celebrate – today I’m sharing 5 simple steps to try. When self-care feels like a chore, it’s a sign that it’s time to go back to basics, and these simple actions won’t take more than a few minutes out of your day.

If self-care feels like a chore, you’re not alone

Given the media clichés of women lounging in fluffy towels, stopping to grab a coffee with girlfriends, or getting ready for “date night”, you might be surprised how many of us struggle to connect with the idea of taking even a few minutes of time out just for us.

In our recent interview with Sarah Jane Volkers, a graduate of our Lead the Change program, she shared that before finding One of many “I was shocked (can you believe this?) at the idea that you might buy yourself a cup of coffee when you were out shopping – you know, just rock up and take 5 minutes to yourself without anyone else to treat or talk to!”

But self-care isn’t necessarily what you think. To understand why, it’s time to introduce an important Women’s PowerType™ – The Lover.

The Lover and self-care

At One of many we use 5 powerful female archetypes to support our holistic approach to leadership. One that many successful women struggle to connect with is The Lover.

If your Lover PowerType is under-expressed, you might find that life feels like an endless round of rules, discipline and obligations. It might even seem as though your days are “grey” or “monotone”, made up of tasks to be achieved and crises to be dealt with. Relationships, especially intimate ones, can feel stagnant or stuck and taking care of yourself or experiencing pleasure probably falls even lower on the priority list.

We often assume that stepping into our “Lover” means reconnecting to our partners, but the foundation of Lover is in your own experience.

It’s the PowerType that allows you to take care of yourself, and experience the fullest joys of life. The Lover finds pleasure in every sense, whether it’s a delicious scent, an exquisite meal or a piece of music that transports her to a different time.

So learning to embrace The Lover is the perfect way to discover your unique path to self-care. It might have nothing to do with the clichés you’ve seen… or you might find that, as you learn to connect to yourself, you surprise yourself with activities you’ve previously sneered at.

Remember, keeping an open mind is vital. When we’re running in “Superwoman” mode we often switch off from the parts of ourselves that aren’t harnessed to our productivity. So even if it feels silly at first, try building some of these suggestions into your daily or weekly routine, and what subtle differences you start to notice.

5 ways to love yourself when self care feels like a chore

1. Find the music that lifts your heart

Music is an incredibly powerful tool to change your emotional state and allow you to connect to different feelings. In just a few minutes, you can start to connect to parts of yourself you might have long forgotten.

Think about pieces of music that spark emotion in you (or ask the One of many community for their recommendations!). They might be songs with moving lyrics, reminders of a different time in your life (maybe when you first met your partner?) or just pieces of music that are meaningful to you in some way.

Dancing is a wonderful way to take the experience to the next level. If you’re not used to moving physically, just swaying from side to side can be a profound thing to try.

Could you find five minutes to play some music, each day? While cooking dinner, on your way home from work, or alone in your bedroom?

Try it: Cue up a song, close your eyes, and see what comes up for you. 

2. Connect to your senses

What do you see, smell, hear, touch or taste during the course of a typical day? If you find that life passes by in a blur, try just simply slowing down.

Maybe you have an opportunity to walk through a park on your commute, take ten minutes to savour a morning cup of tea or snuggle into a soft blanket when it’s time for bed.

Taking care of yourself means finding opportunities to make yourself feel special in some way, whatever that looks like for you. It doesn’t have to mean extravagant shopping sprees or days at the spa.

Here are some ideas to bring your world alive:

  • Choose stationery that makes you smile. Next time you need a new notebook, could you choose one that really speaks to you with a beautiful cover, or textured pages? Or choose a pen that feels really delicious to write with?
  • Rearrange your space: move a favourite piece of artwork or furniture so it’s the first thing you see when you wake up; or display photos of your loved ones to greet you when you walk in the door.
  • Buy fresh flowers for your workspace, every week. Make it a ritual, just for you.
  • Explore essential oils, or find a new perfume, that makes you feel special.
  • Stop saving your nicest things for a “special occasion” – whether it’s your fancy underwear, special mug or a beloved piece of jewellery. Let yourself enjoy the “best” every day, and see how that changes your perception of yourself.

3. Enjoy touch — without pressure

Touch is often the sense we pay least attention to, especially when we’re living “in our heads” as a leader. If you’re in a partnership which feels like it’s lost its spark; spend most of your time being grabbed and mauled by small children or hate the idea of a full body massage, take baby steps.

Are there parts of your daily routine involving touch, that you could stop and enjoy?

  • Brushing your hair
  • Moisturizing after a shower
  • Stretching and yawning first thing in the morning?

Taking a few seconds to enjoy using a gorgeous hand cream, noticing the way the sun feels on your face or giving your feet a massage when you take off your shoes can be gentle ways to begin to reconnect with your body.

4. Be thankful

Gratitude is a practice that’s becoming increasingly popular – it’s the foundation of our “thinking and thanking” ritual, which you can find in your audio library of Soft PowerCasts when you join our community (it’s free!).

But how often, even when you think about all you’re grateful for, do you remember to thank yourself?

One of the simplest ways to begin is by appreciating your body for everything it does.

No matter what physical challenges you face, there’s so much to be grateful for – from your incredible organs, to your trusty hands and of course your amazing brain.

Try whispering a “thank you” to your body last thing at night, or when you glance in the mirror.

You’re amazing!

5. Connect to others

It might sound like a strange way to practice self-care. But one of the ways you can begin to experience life more fully, and understand that your own struggles are shared by those around you, is to learn to listen to the other people in your life in a new way.

“Devoted listening” is a simple practice of staying quiet and really tuning in to what another person is telling us.

You can try it with colleagues, clients, friends or family. Even your partner – someone you see every day – might be someone you’ve not recently taken the time to really listen to.

Here are a few prompts to try:

  • Pay attention to what the other person is saying – don’t be tempted to start formulating your response, or assuming you know what they’re expressing.
  • What’s their body language telling you? What do they really look like – if they’re familiar to you, when did you last see them for who they really are?
  • What emotions do you detect they’re feeling? Are they tired, frustrated, enthusiastic? Without judging them, can you observe as closely as possible?

Notice how many people you connect with each day, and how rich and unique their lives, personalities and experiences are.

Without judging, fixing or envying them, how can you begin to cultivate a genuine appreciation for everything they bring to the world?

Deepening your connection with others can begin to awaken your own feelings, thoughts and emotions. And this element of meaningful connection means The Lover is a powerful energy to draw on as a leader, especially when building a network or inspiring others to join a fledgling movement.

Self-care is a practice

If self-care feels like a chore, rather than a reminder to find and appreciate enjoyment in your everyday life, it’s a sign that something needs to change.

When you’ve been locked in “Superwoman” mode, just taking a few minutes just for you can feel like an alien concept, let alone actively seeking pleasure, joy or a connection to your physical body.

Stick with it.

The rewards – from helping you rediscover the pleasure of relationships, to cultivating appreciation for yourself and becoming a more powerful and magnetic leader – are immense.

How about you?

Have you struggled to make time for yourself, or do you have unorthodox ways to practice self-care that work for you? I’d love to know. Share in the comments below, and let’s help each other to take baby steps towards putting our own needs first.

If you’d like to find out about how we support successful, sometimes a little too-busy women like you to discover a different way of leading, click here to book a call with the office. We’d love to walk you through our different programs and see if we have a training that’s the perfect fit for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How journalling can help you survive the holidays

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Journalling is one of the most powerful and underrated tools there is when it comes to creating the life you want. And at times of year when there’s lots going on, family stresses, or emotions coming up, it can help us in powerful ways. So today I want to outline how journalling can help you survive the holidays – and support you into the New Year too.

If you’re not in the habit of writing in a journal, I get that there can be a bit of mystique around the process. Perhaps you’ve heard other people talk about the power of journalling, but not quite managed to get the habit set up yourself. Even if you’re a regular journaller, the 3 things I’m sharing today will help you deepen your understanding of how journalling can help you navigate busy times, and hopefully give you some tips to develop your habit further.

If you have questions, or if you use your journal in other ways than the ones I’m listing here, do scroll down and leave us a comment. I’d love to know how you use this practice – or what challenges you face when trying to get started – so that we can help each other.

1. Start each day with Morning Pages

This idea is the foundation of my journalling practice, and it comes from the excellent book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron (highly recommended if you’re looking for a book to gift yourself!)

In the Artist’s Way, Julia suggests clear guidelines for morning pages:

  • Write first thing in the morning, as close to waking as possible
  • Write as fast as you can, for 3 A4 pages – no more, no less
  • Don’t show your pages to anyone else
  • Don’t re-read your pages for at least 8 weeks

Now, the realities of life might mean you don’t always manage to get your 3 pages written before doing anything else. If you’re a parent, your mornings are already packed, or just can’t see how you could squeeze and extra half hour in before work, it might even sound impossible.

These days, with two children and a business, I consider these guidelines the “gold standard”. There is something really powerful about tapping into your unconscious before any other activities have happened, or you’ve even spoken to another person. But free-writing  at any time of day will still make a huge difference.

So you’re ready with your notebook and pen… where do you start? Julia says, essentially, “just write, and write fast”. For me, that pace is really key. Don’t worry about your handwriting or whether what you’re writing is “good” or “makes sense” – remember, no-one else is ever going to read this.

If your mind goes blank, or you find yourself getting stuck trying to “figure something out”, just keep writing (even if you’re literally writing “I don’t know what to write… I don’t know what to write”, over and over again).

I’ve found there’s often a really juicy idea or unexpected insight right on the other side of that “stuck” place.

The power of starting your days with writing, especially during a busy time like Christmas when you’re likely to have lots of things going on, is that you start the day by connecting to yourself – your own intuition and inner wisdom.

If you’ve got lots of people around you, it can be an incredible relief to allow yourself space to tune into “radio you” and listen to what’s bubbling up.

In Julia’s words,

“The voice of our original self is often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people’s expectations.”
― Julia Cameron

See if you can give yourself just half an hour each morning to pour out whatever comes up onto a page – and notice the difference it makes to your day.

2. Process the emotions that come up

The festive season might be a time of goodwill and celebration – but it can also feel like bloody hard work.

  • Maybe you’re staying with your parents as an adult, and reliving your teenage resentment and anger with every “house rule” you find yourself trapped by.
  • Perhaps you’re being shunted from pillar to post like the gift no-one wants.
  • Or maybe your entire office has swanned off for the holidays, and you’re the one holding the fort.

Whatever your flavour of festive challenge, using your journal to process how you’re feeling can be an incredibly effective way to shift those emotions and keep your energy flowing rather than stagnating.

If something comes up, you find yourself triggered, or you get overwhelmed with emotion, grab your journal and pour out how you’re feeling. You could write it as a never-to-be-sent letter, or just a stream-of-consciousness rant to let off steam.

Needless to say, Julia’s recommendation to keep your writing secret applies doubly here! Don’t let your uncensored thoughts fall into the wrong hands – or you might have a drama worthy of a soap opera Christmas special on your hands.

3. Use your journal to create your year ahead

Especially if you’re not where you want to be this Christmas, physically or emotionally, one of the most powerful ways to use your journal is to create. Think about what you’d love to bring into your life, or how you would like things to be different for you next year.

Rather than scrolling through fitness equipment online or googling “how to change your entire life in 6 weeks”, spend some time connecting to your intuition.

  • What would your body love to do?
  • Where do you wish you were right now? How would you like to feel?
  • What would be an amazing thing to experience in the next twelve months?

Journalling is where I get some of my best ideas, and when combined with the practice of morning pages some inspiring dreams and incredible ideas can open up.

Should you read your journal back?

Deciding whether or not to re-read your journal is a personal thing. Some people prefer to burn or throw away their journals, and trust that what’s important will come back to them.

Personally, I’ve found Julia’s “8-week” guideline feels like about the right amount of time for me to wait before returning to what I’ve written. If you choose to revisit your journals, you might want to look out for:

  • Challenges that have stuck around, and it might be time for you to deal with: “I’m still totally stressed out at work. What help can I access around that?”
  • Great ideas you might not have remembered, and want to take action on
  • Inspiration at how far you’ve come: “I can’t believe how hopeless I was feeling about my marriage – things have come a long way!”

Journalling is one of our foundational tools at One of many, and one of its greatest roles is in helping you find greater peace and connect to yourself.

Over to you

How about you – are you an avid journaller? Or is it a tool you’ve never quite got the hang of? Share your experience below – and let us know if it helps you get through the festive season with your sanity intact!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: “I’ve lost connection with my partner”

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I feel very blessed to have married the same man twice. At the time we got divorced it certainly didn’t feel like a blessing…more like a disaster. But 8 years apart taught me some incredible things which I want to share with you today, because that elusive thing we thrive on called connection can be tricky to navigate in an intimate relationship.

Just what do we mean by connection?

You know it when you feel it. It’s the spark, that invisible multi-faceted thing that you can’t quite put your finger on that bonds two people together.

Connection happens on all levels…mental, physical, emotional and spiritual.

When we feel it it’s wonderful but when it sometimes disappears, which while very common, can be incredibly challenging.

Going back to the start

It might seem a long time ago if things aren’t how you’ like them to be right now.

But I think we can all learn some important lessons from the budding of intimacy.

In that initial blossoming it seems effortless.

Our attention is fully on the other person, we want to spend lots of time with them and we want to know everything about them. It’s all new and intriguing. If you “click” and that invisible thing we call chemistry is there, it becomes a delicious time of falling in love.

At this time we have our rose coloured spectacles on. We forgive things easily, and we overlook little annoyances because we are always looking for the best. Focusing on what we love instead of what we don’t love.

Have you ever experienced at the decline of a relationship that the things that you loved at the beginning can becomes the very things that you hate? That’s kind of odd really, if you think about it. The behaviour is the same. So what’s changed?

Think about what’s different

In my story what changed was our life circumstances. Life can be challenging enough but sometimes it throws you a huge curveball. Our bubble burst when, 8 weeks before our baby was due, we found ourselves in the intensive care unit with me fighting for my life.

Our baby was born 8 weeks premature by emergency caesarean section and in the days following I contracted necrotising fasciitis, more commonly known as the flesh eating bug.

To cut a long story short I made it. But it was far from an easy ride. I lost my womb and ovaries along with two thirds of the flesh on my torso. I also contracted septicaemia which damaged my feet.

I spent three months in hospital bed bound and underwent numerous surgical procedures to rebuild my body. I also had a near death experience (NDE) where I literally saw the light! But that’s another story.

My whole world had been turned upside down. Mentally, emotionally and physically I was struggling to deal with a severely disfigured body and what that meant for me as a woman. Spiritually I had just had a big wakeup call that challenged my world view.

A BIG mistake we made as a couple was we didn’t talk. This thing seemed way too big and painful to speak about. And so we hid from it and therefore hid from each other.

So #1 learning – Always talk

Let’s face it, life is full of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. I know my example is big here but you also constantly face the challenges of life. And it is all too easy for the demands of life to get in the way, be that work, children, family, hobbies, friends…all of us have limited time and the choice to make of where we spend it.

No matter how painful it seems, honesty and conversation are true blessings. And sometimes you may need to get some support from someone who can help you talk to each other.

Which brings me to learning #2 – Make time for each other

It is one of the most crucial things to do. And again one of the easiest things to let slide. Especially if you have a young family. Everyone else’s needs can seem more important but they are not.

It is super important to put you and your partner high up on your priorities and plan special time together.

Learning #3 – Focus on what IS working instead of what ISN’T

It’s very common and very easy when things are not right in our intimate relationship to focus on what’s wrong and try to fix it. I know I obsessed about it because it was so important to me and I desperately missed that wonderful sense of connection.

After we had separated I met this amazing man. He was in his late 80’s and had studied psychology his whole life. He told me how he would lie in bed at night and silently speak to his wife. He shared with me how what you focus on grows and pointed out that if you focus on what’s wrong in your relationship you will get more of that.

The truth of this hit me like a ton of bricks. I had fought so hard to correct what was wrong in our relationship. I’d pushed, I’d pointed out it was broken and we needed to fix it.

What I didn’t do was focus on what was right with it.

It made me realise that in trying to ‘fix’ it and desperately seeking that connection all I had done was unwittingly pushed it further away.

What was missing was learning #4 – Appreciation

Develop a practice (daily is good) where you regularly think about what’s good about your relationship and your partner. What is it that you appreciate him/her for?

Spend 5-10 minutes thinking about it. This can be things inside and outside of your relationship. What are they good at? What do they do well? What makes you smile about them?

Connection is an inside job, it’s a feeling. Focusing on what you appreciate about someone else starts to create a warm feeling inside. It also naturally spills out of you towards them. When someone else is genuinely appreciating you it feels really good to be on the receiving end of that.

Appreciation is so powerful in any relationship. With my husband I see him energetically grow as I appreciate him, it goes both ways, and feels so good. Look for things to be thankful and grateful for rather than focusing on the things which are missing. Remember what you focus on grows.

And finally for today learning #5 – What state are you in?

When it comes to the Women’s PowerTypes – the 5 powerful models of women’s leadership that make up your unique PowerTypes Profile – they can be immensely helpful in your intimate relationship.

The Lover is definitely your chief ally on so many levels. Firstly you need to be filled up. I see so many women running on empty and then wondering why their intimate relationship is lacking. I say this with zero judgement because that was me too! I was always so busy doing everything and putting myself last. This meant I was running on empty and had nothing to give.

It is still me occasionally but the difference is now I see it and immediately switch to Lover PowerType.

Let’s face it…Superwoman and intimacy are not a good match!

Enhancing your Lover energy helps you fill yourself up. Then as the over-flowing cup you become highly attractive to your mate. When your needs are met you have extra to share. This is a highly magnetic quality and so important for us to embrace.

I see this so clearly with my husband. Having married the same man twice makes it all the more clear. I appreciate him every day – and interestingly, I watch him wanting to do more and more for me.

I hope my lessons help you to rediscover the connection in your relationship if it’s gone into hiding. It’s most likely still there just buried underneath life.

How about you? Please share in the comments anything you have found helpful to re-connect with your partner.

If you’d like to read my full story of near death, recovery and navigating being more loving (I messed it right up at first) you can read all about it in my book “From Vegas to the Pearly Gates: A gritty, true-life account of love at its best and absolute worst.”

 

About Wendy Harrington

Writer, Wife, Mother

Wendy is passionate about peace and harmony. Her near death experience opened her life up to increased love and happiness (after a battle with herself). She is the author of 2 books, mother of 3 daughters and wife of the love of her life.

She’s also one of the One of many team.

Connect with Wendy on YouTube or Facebook to discover tips for greater peace and harmony in your life and mind.

You’ll find a reading from the book sharing when she saw her body for the first time after the illness, and her sharing the bliss of her near-death experience.

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Criticism or judgement? What to do when feedback hurts

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

As women leaders, we can’t control all the criticism or judgment that we’re going to receive from others.

It doesn’t matter how big or small your vision is. The very nature of declaring that you stand for something, or that you’re making any kind of change, opens us up to feedback from others.

Whether you’re changing the world, your family life, or your personal health habits, there’ll be someone who wants to give you their opinion on exactly what you’re doing and why it’s time to rethink it. Sometimes we can laugh it off – some random person on Twitter thinks I need to take a different vitamin supplement? Fine.

But sometimes, it hurts. When you tell your kids you’re thinking of signing up for a new course and they laugh at you: “Mum! You’re too old!”

When you share your brilliant new strategy with a colleague you love and straight away they pick holes in it.

Or when you tell your mum about the bold decision you’re taking to become a coach, and she refers to it snidely as “your new phase for the next five years”.

The truth is, we can’t stop it. We can’t make people in the world nicer. (At least, not all of the time.)

And the bigger your vision, and the more people find out about it, the more likely all sorts of otherpeople are going to find out about it. Guess how many of them will have an opinion to share?

But if we can’t change them, or make them nicer, or more loving, or tell them that they have to give us feedback sandwiches, there is one thing we can do.

We can learn to comfort our inner selves

We can learn to parent ourselves, so that when we receive negative feedback, we are more resilient, and we are more loving.

And ultimately, we can learn to make sure that criticism doesn’t stop us from moving on our vision. To use it as an opportunity to learn, and to implement a better or more useful way for achieving the vision, that doesn’t stop us in our tracks.

Know where criticism or judgment comes from

I know firsthand how important it is to find ways of dealing with criticism. In the past I’ve had a lot of ideas for projects. But one word from my husband – which he might not even have meant as a criticism – and I would take it very personally, and shut down the whole idea before it got started.

Eventually, I really tuned into the fact that I was letting this happen. And at that point, I thought about who Greg is. Now I know that his particular energy involves saying “no”. (If you’re aware of the wealth dynamics profile, he’s a Lord). It’s just how he tests and gives input to ideas. He’s a hole-picker by nature. But the thing about that “no” is, it’s not personal. It doesn’t mean “no” to the entire vision. It’s just a challenge, and if he’s challenging my vision it actually means that he’s interested in it and making it the best it can be.

Once I got that, I quickly realized: okay, this is good, but I can’t change him. I can’t change how he is going to respond when I bring an idea. All I can change is my own resilience level.

I can shift things so that I’m more robust, and resilient when I go in with an idea, knowing that he will probably respond with the “no” initially because he filters every new thing through “how can this be better?”

So how do I do that? And how can you do it too?

Start with self love

At the baseline of all of our resilience and strength is self-love. So, start by considering your ongoing habits of self-love; recognition of your body, mind, and spirit, and the beautiful being that you are, and nurturing and nourishing that.

In our BeLove retreat we delve into habits to support you with that self-love in much greater detail. You could think about things like journaling, spontaneous moments of luxury, and gratitude. Feeling thankful for what is, and what you have, and who you are. All of these self-loving actions that you do, that have you feeling better and better about yourself over time are really, really crucial when it comes to handling criticism.

It’s that self-love that builds up your resilience, your confidence, and your self-esteem, so that you feel you can open up, and be vulnerable, and stand behind your vision. It’s like a muscle that you build over time – an exercise.

Self-love is the foundation that allows you to deal with criticism from a place of strength. And with that in place, here’s how to handle it when it arrives.

How to deal with criticism

So from time to time you’re going to receive some criticism. It might be out of the blue, or it might be that you have a great idea, and you share it with someone else and they tell you “It’s a terrible idea. It would never work because of this,” or “No. We can’t do that,” or “Who on earth are you to think that you could change the world like that?” Or “You idiot, you think having a green smoothie is going to help you lose weight. What a stupid idea!”

Whatever it might be, you will get criticized.

Here are 6 steps to take when you receive it

  1. Be prepared to listen

If you’re actively going into a situation where you’re declaring a vision to someone, whether it be at your team, your spouse, to the world, on Facebook… Know that you are about to become vulnerable, and don’t let your shame stop you from sharing something you feel called to share. Just go there and do it. And if you receive criticism, be ready to hear it the whole way through. You might read something on Facebook, or Twitter, or it might come straight back to you from your spouse. Be clear that you will hear it the whole way through.

  1. Take time out

Once you’ve heard the criticism all the way through, it’s time for you privately. If you’re in a conversation, don’t get into an argument or start justifying or disputing their points. Just say, “Thank You.” Take yourself away, and it’s time to enter your processing time.

Grab your journal, your pen and paper, and write down what bothered you about the feedback you’ve received. What’s activating you? Which are the parts that really made a big difference? Or were really yucky? What triggered you?

And then ask yourself the next question, which is: what could be helpful? Is there anything useful in this criticism?

If the answer is no – just let it go.  Sometimes it’s just so obvious it’s someone else’s stuff, or is irrelevant to you. Social media “brain farts”, as my husband calls them, don’t really need much more processing than that.

But if you sense there is something more for you there…

  1. Activate self love

At this stage, it’s really important to implement the criticism antidote – and that is self-love.

Straight away, go draw a bath with lots of essential oils, and enjoy it. Or go out for a walk, or give yourself a delicious little hand massage, or read some lovely success stories or testimonials that clients have sent you, or something that makes you feel good about you. Do something that nurtures you, and is very self-loving.

  1. Dig deeper

Then with that self-love in place you can come back to the criticism, and ask yourself: is this reminding me of anything from the past? Is this actually not about this criticism? Is it triggering something from the past? And if it is, then think about how you can release it. (We have a great audio recording to help you release limiting emotions available to all our BeOne community members – you can sign up here to receive yours).

  1. Write the letter

This is my favorite antidote to criticism, which I use quite a bit – I learnt this from Julia Cameron, in her great book the Artist’s Way. She says: write the letter. Now this is not a letter you’re ever going to send! It’s a letter to the person who is putting you down, or said the thing that hurt, and what’s important is to write it as if you were six years old. Use six year old language.

You’re just so mean. I can’t believe you said that. Didn’t you have your weetabix for breakfast? You’re a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Lalalala.

Whatever it is, right? Just get it all out, in a vindicating letter from your younger self. I really, really love doing this one, and I think you might find it helpful too. Because it allows your young self to be heard, and to be voiced.

(And for the love of God, don’t ever send the letter, right? Don’t ever, ever send that letter!)

  1. Get back in the ring

Once you’ve done that, you put it to the side, and get right back out there and into the vulnerability again.

Because you’ve got to get out there. You’ve got to keep stepping up. Go back, and finish the conversation. If it was with your spouse, share what you learned about yourself from their feedback. If it was on Twitter or Facebook, you don’t need to respond to the negative criticism at all. You can just get back out there, and put another post out about what you’re up to in the world, and your vision, whatever it is.

Commit to getting out there, and doing something more. Commit to doing something. Committing to your vision, and doing something in alignment with your vision, and saying “I don’t care what you say. My commitment to myself, and to my vision, and to my purpose on this planet is greater than anything you could ever say to me.”

The only real cure for shame and criticism is to keep stepping into vulnerability. Because on the other side of it, as Brené Brown says, is all the good stuff: The incredible joy, love, and self-expression, which is what life is all about. And that’s really all we want of you – is just all that you are.

How about you? Do you find it hard to take criticism? I’d love to know if this process works for you – let us know in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What self love is not

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The concepts of “self love” and “self care” get talked about a lot in personal development circles. You might catch yourself thinking that you really should be doing more to take care of yourself, or show yourself love. (Feeling like a failure about your lack of kindness to yourself kind of defeats the point, don’t you think?). At One of many we have a very clear take on self love, and how it fits into our lives, so today I thought I’d break down 3 important distinctions to make when we talk about self love – and what self love is not.

Self love is not selfish

It’s a common assumption that loving yourself is a selfish or narcissistic tendency, when the opposite is true. Being able to accept yourself for who you are – imperfections included – is a really important step in becoming someone who’s able to be generous and forgiving of others.

The fact is, constantly feeling inadequate, or experiencing feelings of shame, doesn’t just affect you. Getting caught up in insecurity takes your energy and focus away from the things you’re here to do – whether it’s making a difference with your career, your family or your community.

Learning how to love yourself might in fact be one of the most generous things you can do.

Self love is not something you have to do alone

A bubble bath, a good book… our stereotypical images of self love often involve us being alone, and for good reason. Time to ourselves is a precious commodity in this hyper-connected world.

But learning to love yourself can be something that’s far easier to do in a group of likeminded others – people who can really appreciate your special qualities, and reflect them back to you.

On our retreats, and in the training we lead for coaches, many women experience for the first time what it’s like to be seen and truly appreciated. Even within the lively community of our Facebook Group it’s remarkable how much lifting up there is of one another; how much appreciation for all the hundreds of tiny unseen acts of courage we show in our daily lives.

If you’ve been trying to find a way to love yourself in isolation, maybe it’s time to connect with a safe community of women who can help show you what you’re missing – the things others notice that you might never have stopped to appreciate.

Self love is not a luxury

When you need comfort, reassurance, or just some time to rest up after a setback or a blow to your confidence, it’s really important to be aware of how you can best take care of yourself. That doesn’t have to mean having a full-on spa experience when things are going well and you’re feeling sky high. (Though that sounds lovely – sign me up!)

It’s also about noticing when you could do with a bit more rest, and choosing to have an early night. It might mean standing up for yourself when it comes to your demanding boss or needy friend, setting clear boundaries, and claiming some space for yourself.

Self love can be choosing to get up and have a glass of water when you need a break; making sure your kitchen’s stocked with nourishing food when you know you’ve got a busy few weeks coming up, or spending time with a friend who lights you up.

The Women’s PowerTypes™ perspective

At One of many, we use the Women’s PowerTypes™ as a tool to help us understand where we need to grow, and as tools to help guide our expansion. We each have a unique “profile” reflecting the PowerTypes we most easily embody, as well as those we find more challenging to step into.

These 5 powerful PowerTypes help us to show up fully as ourselves, whatever the situation, as well as showing us where we might want to focus our attention to see the biggest results when it comes to making change.

Each of the PowerTypes™: Warrioress, Sorceress, Mother, Lover and Queen – contains aspects of self love. Whether it’s honouring our playful nature, trusting in the mystery of the universe, or knowing we have the capacity to make great decisions, loving yourself starts by knowing that you are able to step into your power whatever the circumstances.

The two PowerTypes™ most relevant to self love are Lover and Mother.

When we’re in Mother, we are infinitely empathetic and compassionate. At our best, these qualities allow us to nurture ourselves as we do everyone else in our orbit. But when this aspect of our personalities is over-expressed, we can tip into the martyr, neglecting our own wellbeing to support others.

This is where the PowerTypes of the Lover comes in. Sensual and pleasure-seeking, she reminds us to honour our physical needs and delight in the world of the senses.

To find out more about the PowerTypes™, download our free guide to the Women’s PowerTypes™ – it’s part of Life’s Little Toolkit, our secret weapon of 5 free resources to help you through whatever life throws at you.

Click here to download it now.

And share your take on self love in the comments – how do you take good care of yourself in your day to day, and what tips would you give any woman who’s finding it a challenge?

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to live generously

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Generosity feels good, and it can have a measurable impact on our health, happiness and overall wellbeing. But it can be challenging to know how to be generous, especially if right now there are certain things you don’t feel you have enough of: like time, energy or money.

In The Paradox of Generosity, American researchers found that those who were generous with their resources tended to be healthier and happier than those who didn’t. For example, there were significantly lower depression rates in those who donated a chunk of their income to causes they supported.

When we’re generous in our lives, we can become conduits for the things we’re sharing. And as they flow through us, they tend to increase.

Here are five ways to bring generosity into your life, without a magic wand.

1. Be generous with yourself

Living generously doesn’t mean sacrificing your own wellbeing. In fact, true generosity starts with how you treat yourself.

When we’re feeling frazzled, it can be surprising how stingy we can be about the little things.

Staying at our desks instead of getting up and going to the loo when we need to. Racing between appointments without five minutes to catch our breath. Berating ourselves for the things we haven’t done, rather than celebrating the things we have.

Can you relate?

What if you were truly generous to yourself in every moment of your day?

• Recognise that you’re doing your best in every moment instead of focusing on what you don’t have
• Take care of your needs as exquisitely as possible: For instance, when you’re thirsty, prepare a delicious drink, slowly, and choosing a truly beautiful glass or mug to drink from
• Give yourself tiny treats – a new flavour of tea, a bath instead of a shower, your favourite food or a break to listen to your favourite piece of music

This is the starting point of so much of our work here at One of many, because if you’re working from a depleted state it’s impossible to be able to give freely to others.

As the Zen saying goes, we must “give from a full cup”. Because trying to be generous when our own needs aren’t met is a recipe for resentment, anger and even martyrdom.

How can you be generous to yourself today?

2. Be generous with your time

Time is something a lot of us feel we never have enough of. We can become time hoarders, siphoning off a few minutes here and there for ourselves in days packed with appointments and activities.

But the cumulative effect of that feeling that there’s “never enough time” can be that we end up feeling restricted and hemmed in, in every minute of our days.

What if you approached time with a sense of generosity? Of having more than enough to share?

• Build in an extra ten minutes between appointments, for you to use as you choose

• If you tend to run late, allow more time for travelling, so you can stroll rather than run, or take the scenic route

• Give yourself more time than you think you’ll need to complete a task. Notice how that impacts you – sometimes, we’re more efficient when we feel less rushed

Time can be a fluid experience – it flies when we’re having fun, drags when we’re doing something we don’t want to, and is often a lot more accommodating than we imagine.

Look at your schedule in the coming week with a generous spirit.

3. Be generous with your words

Our words hold the power to move, inspire, encourage or deflate people. Choosing them wisely is one of the easiest and fastest ways we can be generous, and the rewards are inspiring.

How can you use your words generously today?

• Tell someone who really matters to you what they mean – how they help you, what they bring to your life, the impact that they have on your day-to-day. Be specific.

• Next time you say thank you to someone during the course of your day – could be a checkout assistant, delivery person, your coach or your partner – take the time to be really generous. Make eye contact, feel the power of your gratitude, let them know how much you appreciate them.

• Telling the truth can be the most generous thing we can do. If you have an insight to share with someone that you’ve been holding back on for any reason, make a note of it. Perhaps you’re worried about hurting their feelings or there never seems to be the right time? Take a few minutes to think about how you can gracefully share what you need to, and give them the gift of your honesty.

4. Be generous with your network

We’re more connected than ever, and yet loneliness is becoming a problem we’re increasingly aware of. In fact, in January 2018 Britain appointed its first “Minister for Loneliness” following a report which showed that more than 9 million people in the country often or always feel lonely.

Connecting people and nurturing your own support network is a generous thing to do. The connection someone else is looking for, whether in friendship, business or any other area of their life, could be one that would be easy for you to make.

And if you become someone who connects others, they’re much more likely to connect people to you.

Create a community of giving in your own life. Here are some ideas:

• Is there someone you keep meaning to “grab a coffee” with but never quite get round to doing it? Next time you see them, pick a date and stick to it. You never know how you might be able to help each other.

• Can you think of two people who work in related areas but don’t know each other? Why not send a quick email connecting them, to see what ideas might be sparked.

• Do you ever see posts on social media asking for help with something you know nothing about? Be generous – make a point of thinking of someone you know who might be able to help. Signpost them to the person making the request, and see if they make all the difference.

5. Be generous with your wealth

If we’re feeling stretched financially, giving can feel tough, but in today’s world even a relatively small amount can make a huge difference to the lives of those in need. Setting up a regular commitment to a cause you love is a fantastic way to get involved and stay up to date with the incredible work they’re doing in the world.

And using your finances generously doesn’t have to mean charitable giving. It might mean getting really conscious of how you spend your money – choosing to buy ethically, whether through clothing or food, is one way of behaving generously towards others in the world.

At One of many we believe you shouldn’t have to choose between investing in yourself, and making a difference. We support The Hunger Project through donations and training to continue their incredible work in the world, and plenty of other businesses now have similar schemes in place.

How can you get creative to be more generous financially in the world?

• What charities are you currently giving to? Check in with your current causes and see if they still feel like a fit for your values. Would you like to add something new?

• How does your spending reflect your values? Can you be more generous in the choices you make?

• Can you be generous to yourself? Maybe you could do with some financial education to help you sort things out.

The practice of generosity

Living generously feels good. It reminds us that there is an abundance of good things in the world, and that by sharing those things freely we welcome more of them into our lives.

I’m curious: is generosity something you’re aware of? Do you practice it, aspire to it, or notice when you’re living it? Share your experience in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Christmas – Don’t miss the magic!

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)


Being an Australian living in the northern hemisphere, I find that this year I am really present to the sense that Christmas makes. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful time of year in Australia as well, because it’s summer with barbecues and lots of fun things to do. But there is something unique and special which makes sense of so many of the traditions when you are in the northern hemisphere.

It seems like it has become almost a given that this time of year just before Christmas everything gets crazier and crazier and busier and busier. There is the shopping and all the food to be prepared. Getting the turkey, stuffing the turkey, going to the pub with your mates, organising presents, buying presents, visiting family and friends, going to church and then getting home. Getting that last bit of work done before the office closes, all of that kind of stuff, the list goes on.

The trouble is when we do that we end up missing the magic, which is sad because this is a truly magical time of year. Here in the northern hemisphere we are in the middle of winter and it’s time for the PowerType of the Sorceress, that part of you that brings a little bit of fairy dust and is tuned into the mysteries.

The Winter Solstice is on 21 December, this is a really special time because it’s the shortest day, which by default means it’s the longest night. It’s the longest period of darkness that we have in the calendar in the year. Many of us we get freaked out by darkness but actually there is a great gift here.

Discover that gift!

Here in the northern hemisphere (I’ll talk about the southern hemisphere in just a moment) we’re in Winter. If we could take away everything that the culture demands of us, everything that our busy lives demand of us and actually tune into our energy at this time of year we will discover that our energy wants to come in. It wants to be inward focusing and reflective. Given the current fast pace of life it’s all too easy to miss this and unless we tune into it we will overlook it. We are all animals after all and we do respond to the seasons, whether we are aware of it or not.

One of the risks we run at this time of year is skidding through this amazingly magical moment without acknowledging it or noticing. The beauty of the longest night is that every day after this the days get a little longer and the light returns. I find it fascinating to think back many hundreds of years ago when perhaps our ancestors weren’t as confident that the spring was going to come as we are these days. When it was only sometime after the winter solstice that the days would start to lengthen and they would start to notice it. And they would celebrate. This is why we bring Christmas trees into the house at this time of year and wrap them in lights. And why we decorate our house with lights because at this time of year we want to celebrate the return of the light.

Whether that’s the Christian light of Jesus, Hanukkah, Pagan etc, it doesn’t matter what your tradition is or even if you don’t have any spiritual beliefs, you can tune into nature and you can get a sense that there is something fabulous and magical going on just now.

What don’t you want to have in your life anymore?

One of the things that I highly recommend is giving yourself permission, specifically in this week, to just be really present during these darkest days. Reflect on 2016 and anything that you don’t want to have in your life anymore. Anything that you don’t want to take into 2017 just become present to it and consciously let it go. Chose to let it go into the darkness. And then get excited that as the energy and the light start to return you will have all of the energy that you want and need to be able to fulfil on your goals and ambitions for 2017.

Know if you’re on the flip side of the world, in the southern hemisphere, where I usually spend my Christmases it does have a different flavour. It is summertime at this time of year and we are at the opposite end of the spectrum with the longest day. It’s such a delicious time of being with friends and people. So if that’s where you are make sure you are present to that, and that you revel in every drop of energy that you bring to that. Be present in those connections. Again it’s really easy in the summer celebration of Christmas to get wrapped up in it all and not be present to the gift that is there of being with people and being expressed which is what your energy wants to be doing in the summertime.

Wherever you are in the world simply tune into what it means for you and don’t let this week sweep by. There may be lots of things you want to get on with, and maybe a sense that you’re going to enjoy the break to catch up on the things you’re behind with but one of the first things that I really deeply hope you catch up with is your connection to you.

This is something that I am going to be really focusing on over this period, really taking notice of myself and my family. Taking notice of each other and what it is that we want to leave behind in 2016.

Merry Christmas and may 2017 be an exceptionally rewarding, fulfilling and successful one for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Get started with 7 Rituals for Calming the Daily Chaos so you’re in a position to handle the next mini-catastrophe coming your way, and take it all in your stride.

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