One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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Criticism or judgement? What to do when feedback hurts

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

As women leaders, we can’t control all the criticism or judgment that we’re going to receive from others.

It doesn’t matter how big or small your vision is. The very nature of declaring that you stand for something, or that you’re making any kind of change, opens us up to feedback from others.

Whether you’re changing the world, your family life, or your personal health habits, there’ll be someone who wants to give you their opinion on exactly what you’re doing and why it’s time to rethink it. Sometimes we can laugh it off – some random person on Twitter thinks I need to take a different vitamin supplement? Fine.

But sometimes, it hurts. When you tell your kids you’re thinking of signing up for a new course and they laugh at you: “Mum! You’re too old!”

When you share your brilliant new strategy with a colleague you love and straight away they pick holes in it.

Or when you tell your mum about the bold decision you’re taking to become a coach, and she refers to it snidely as “your new phase for the next five years”.

The truth is, we can’t stop it. We can’t make people in the world nicer. (At least, not all of the time.)

And the bigger your vision, and the more people find out about it, the more likely all sorts of otherpeople are going to find out about it. Guess how many of them will have an opinion to share?

But if we can’t change them, or make them nicer, or more loving, or tell them that they have to give us feedback sandwiches, there is one thing we can do.

We can learn to comfort our inner selves

We can learn to parent ourselves, so that when we receive negative feedback, we are more resilient, and we are more loving.

And ultimately, we can learn to make sure that criticism doesn’t stop us from moving on our vision. To use it as an opportunity to learn, and to implement a better or more useful way for achieving the vision, that doesn’t stop us in our tracks.

Know where criticism or judgment comes from

I know firsthand how important it is to find ways of dealing with criticism. In the past I’ve had a lot of ideas for projects. But one word from my husband – which he might not even have meant as a criticism – and I would take it very personally, and shut down the whole idea before it got started.

Eventually, I really tuned into the fact that I was letting this happen. And at that point, I thought about who Greg is. Now I know that his particular energy involves saying “no”. (If you’re aware of the wealth dynamics profile, he’s a Lord). It’s just how he tests and gives input to ideas. He’s a hole-picker by nature. But the thing about that “no” is, it’s not personal. It doesn’t mean “no” to the entire vision. It’s just a challenge, and if he’s challenging my vision it actually means that he’s interested in it and making it the best it can be.

Once I got that, I quickly realized: okay, this is good, but I can’t change him. I can’t change how he is going to respond when I bring an idea. All I can change is my own resilience level.

I can shift things so that I’m more robust, and resilient when I go in with an idea, knowing that he will probably respond with the “no” initially because he filters every new thing through “how can this be better?”

So how do I do that? And how can you do it too?

Start with self love

At the baseline of all of our resilience and strength is self-love. So, start by considering your ongoing habits of self-love; recognition of your body, mind, and spirit, and the beautiful being that you are, and nurturing and nourishing that.

In our BeLove retreat we delve into habits to support you with that self-love in much greater detail. You could think about things like journaling, spontaneous moments of luxury, and gratitude. Feeling thankful for what is, and what you have, and who you are. All of these self-loving actions that you do, that have you feeling better and better about yourself over time are really, really crucial when it comes to handling criticism.

It’s that self-love that builds up your resilience, your confidence, and your self-esteem, so that you feel you can open up, and be vulnerable, and stand behind your vision. It’s like a muscle that you build over time – an exercise.

Self-love is the foundation that allows you to deal with criticism from a place of strength. And with that in place, here’s how to handle it when it arrives.

How to deal with criticism

So from time to time you’re going to receive some criticism. It might be out of the blue, or it might be that you have a great idea, and you share it with someone else and they tell you “It’s a terrible idea. It would never work because of this,” or “No. We can’t do that,” or “Who on earth are you to think that you could change the world like that?” Or “You idiot, you think having a green smoothie is going to help you lose weight. What a stupid idea!”

Whatever it might be, you will get criticized.

Here are 6 steps to take when you receive it

  1. Be prepared to listen

If you’re actively going into a situation where you’re declaring a vision to someone, whether it be at your team, your spouse, to the world, on Facebook… Know that you are about to become vulnerable, and don’t let your shame stop you from sharing something you feel called to share. Just go there and do it. And if you receive criticism, be ready to hear it the whole way through. You might read something on Facebook, or Twitter, or it might come straight back to you from your spouse. Be clear that you will hear it the whole way through.

  1. Take time out

Once you’ve heard the criticism all the way through, it’s time for you privately. If you’re in a conversation, don’t get into an argument or start justifying or disputing their points. Just say, “Thank You.” Take yourself away, and it’s time to enter your processing time.

Grab your journal, your pen and paper, and write down what bothered you about the feedback you’ve received. What’s activating you? Which are the parts that really made a big difference? Or were really yucky? What triggered you?

And then ask yourself the next question, which is: what could be helpful? Is there anything useful in this criticism?

If the answer is no – just let it go.  Sometimes it’s just so obvious it’s someone else’s stuff, or is irrelevant to you. Social media “brain farts”, as my husband calls them, don’t really need much more processing than that.

But if you sense there is something more for you there…

  1. Activate self love

At this stage, it’s really important to implement the criticism antidote – and that is self-love.

Straight away, go draw a bath with lots of essential oils, and enjoy it. Or go out for a walk, or give yourself a delicious little hand massage, or read some lovely success stories or testimonials that clients have sent you, or something that makes you feel good about you. Do something that nurtures you, and is very self-loving.

  1. Dig deeper

Then with that self-love in place you can come back to the criticism, and ask yourself: is this reminding me of anything from the past? Is this actually not about this criticism? Is it triggering something from the past? And if it is, then think about how you can release it. (We have a great audio recording to help you release limiting emotions available to all our BeOne community members – you can sign up here to receive yours).

  1. Write the letter

This is my favorite antidote to criticism, which I use quite a bit – I learnt this from Julia Cameron, in her great book the Artist’s Way. She says: write the letter. Now this is not a letter you’re ever going to send! It’s a letter to the person who is putting you down, or said the thing that hurt, and what’s important is to write it as if you were six years old. Use six year old language.

You’re just so mean. I can’t believe you said that. Didn’t you have your weetabix for breakfast? You’re a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Lalalala.

Whatever it is, right? Just get it all out, in a vindicating letter from your younger self. I really, really love doing this one, and I think you might find it helpful too. Because it allows your young self to be heard, and to be voiced.

(And for the love of God, don’t ever send the letter, right? Don’t ever, ever send that letter!)

  1. Get back in the ring

Once you’ve done that, you put it to the side, and get right back out there and into the vulnerability again.

Because you’ve got to get out there. You’ve got to keep stepping up. Go back, and finish the conversation. If it was with your spouse, share what you learned about yourself from their feedback. If it was on Twitter or Facebook, you don’t need to respond to the negative criticism at all. You can just get back out there, and put another post out about what you’re up to in the world, and your vision, whatever it is.

Commit to getting out there, and doing something more. Commit to doing something. Committing to your vision, and doing something in alignment with your vision, and saying “I don’t care what you say. My commitment to myself, and to my vision, and to my purpose on this planet is greater than anything you could ever say to me.”

The only real cure for shame and criticism is to keep stepping into vulnerability. Because on the other side of it, as Brené Brown says, is all the good stuff: The incredible joy, love, and self-expression, which is what life is all about. And that’s really all we want of you – is just all that you are.

How about you? Do you find it hard to take criticism? I’d love to know if this process works for you – let us know in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What self love is not

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The concepts of “self love” and “self care” get talked about a lot in personal development circles. You might catch yourself thinking that you really should be doing more to take care of yourself, or show yourself love. (Feeling like a failure about your lack of kindness to yourself kind of defeats the point, don’t you think?). At One of many we have a very clear take on self love, and how it fits into our lives, so today I thought I’d break down 3 important distinctions to make when we talk about self love – and what self love is not.

Self love is not selfish

It’s a common assumption that loving yourself is a selfish or narcissistic tendency, when the opposite is true. Being able to accept yourself for who you are – imperfections included – is a really important step in becoming someone who’s able to be generous and forgiving of others.

The fact is, constantly feeling inadequate, or experiencing feelings of shame, doesn’t just affect you. Getting caught up in insecurity takes your energy and focus away from the things you’re here to do – whether it’s making a difference with your career, your family or your community.

Learning how to love yourself might in fact be one of the most generous things you can do.

Self love is not something you have to do alone

A bubble bath, a good book… our stereotypical images of self love often involve us being alone, and for good reason. Time to ourselves is a precious commodity in this hyper-connected world.

But learning to love yourself can be something that’s far easier to do in a group of likeminded others – people who can really appreciate your special qualities, and reflect them back to you.

On our retreats, and in the training we lead for coaches, many women experience for the first time what it’s like to be seen and truly appreciated. Even within the lively community of our Facebook Group it’s remarkable how much lifting up there is of one another; how much appreciation for all the hundreds of tiny unseen acts of courage we show in our daily lives.

If you’ve been trying to find a way to love yourself in isolation, maybe it’s time to connect with a safe community of women who can help show you what you’re missing – the things others notice that you might never have stopped to appreciate.

Self love is not a luxury

When you need comfort, reassurance, or just some time to rest up after a setback or a blow to your confidence, it’s really important to be aware of how you can best take care of yourself. That doesn’t have to mean having a full-on spa experience when things are going well and you’re feeling sky high. (Though that sounds lovely – sign me up!)

It’s also about noticing when you could do with a bit more rest, and choosing to have an early night. It might mean standing up for yourself when it comes to your demanding boss or needy friend, setting clear boundaries, and claiming some space for yourself.

Self love can be choosing to get up and have a glass of water when you need a break; making sure your kitchen’s stocked with nourishing food when you know you’ve got a busy few weeks coming up, or spending time with a friend who lights you up.

The Women’s PowerTypes™ perspective

At One of many, we use the Women’s PowerTypes™ as a tool to help us understand where we need to grow, and as tools to help guide our expansion. We each have a unique “profile” reflecting the PowerTypes we most easily embody, as well as those we find more challenging to step into.

These 5 powerful PowerTypes help us to show up fully as ourselves, whatever the situation, as well as showing us where we might want to focus our attention to see the biggest results when it comes to making change.

Each of the PowerTypes™: Warrioress, Sorceress, Mother, Lover and Queen – contains aspects of self love. Whether it’s honouring our playful nature, trusting in the mystery of the universe, or knowing we have the capacity to make great decisions, loving yourself starts by knowing that you are able to step into your power whatever the circumstances.

The two PowerTypes™ most relevant to self love are Lover and Mother.

When we’re in Mother, we are infinitely empathetic and compassionate. At our best, these qualities allow us to nurture ourselves as we do everyone else in our orbit. But when this aspect of our personalities is over-expressed, we can tip into the martyr, neglecting our own wellbeing to support others.

This is where the PowerTypes of the Lover comes in. Sensual and pleasure-seeking, she reminds us to honour our physical needs and delight in the world of the senses.

To find out more about the PowerTypes™, download our free guide to the Women’s PowerTypes™ – it’s part of Life’s Little Toolkit, our secret weapon of 5 free resources to help you through whatever life throws at you.

Click here to download it now.

And share your take on self love in the comments – how do you take good care of yourself in your day to day, and what tips would you give any woman who’s finding it a challenge?

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to live generously

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Generosity feels good, and it can have a measurable impact on our health, happiness and overall wellbeing. But it can be challenging to know how to be generous, especially if right now there are certain things you don’t feel you have enough of: like time, energy or money.

In The Paradox of Generosity, American researchers found that those who were generous with their resources tended to be healthier and happier than those who didn’t. For example, there were significantly lower depression rates in those who donated a chunk of their income to causes they supported.

When we’re generous in our lives, we can become conduits for the things we’re sharing. And as they flow through us, they tend to increase.

Here are five ways to bring generosity into your life, without a magic wand.

1. Be generous with yourself

Living generously doesn’t mean sacrificing your own wellbeing. In fact, true generosity starts with how you treat yourself.

When we’re feeling frazzled, it can be surprising how stingy we can be about the little things.

Staying at our desks instead of getting up and going to the loo when we need to. Racing between appointments without five minutes to catch our breath. Berating ourselves for the things we haven’t done, rather than celebrating the things we have.

Can you relate?

What if you were truly generous to yourself in every moment of your day?

• Recognise that you’re doing your best in every moment instead of focusing on what you don’t have
• Take care of your needs as exquisitely as possible: For instance, when you’re thirsty, prepare a delicious drink, slowly, and choosing a truly beautiful glass or mug to drink from
• Give yourself tiny treats – a new flavour of tea, a bath instead of a shower, your favourite food or a break to listen to your favourite piece of music

This is the starting point of so much of our work here at One of many, because if you’re working from a depleted state it’s impossible to be able to give freely to others.

As the Zen saying goes, we must “give from a full cup”. Because trying to be generous when our own needs aren’t met is a recipe for resentment, anger and even martyrdom.

How can you be generous to yourself today?

2. Be generous with your time

Time is something a lot of us feel we never have enough of. We can become time hoarders, siphoning off a few minutes here and there for ourselves in days packed with appointments and activities.

But the cumulative effect of that feeling that there’s “never enough time” can be that we end up feeling restricted and hemmed in, in every minute of our days.

What if you approached time with a sense of generosity? Of having more than enough to share?

• Build in an extra ten minutes between appointments, for you to use as you choose

• If you tend to run late, allow more time for travelling, so you can stroll rather than run, or take the scenic route

• Give yourself more time than you think you’ll need to complete a task. Notice how that impacts you – sometimes, we’re more efficient when we feel less rushed

Time can be a fluid experience – it flies when we’re having fun, drags when we’re doing something we don’t want to, and is often a lot more accommodating than we imagine.

Look at your schedule in the coming week with a generous spirit.

3. Be generous with your words

Our words hold the power to move, inspire, encourage or deflate people. Choosing them wisely is one of the easiest and fastest ways we can be generous, and the rewards are inspiring.

How can you use your words generously today?

• Tell someone who really matters to you what they mean – how they help you, what they bring to your life, the impact that they have on your day-to-day. Be specific.

• Next time you say thank you to someone during the course of your day – could be a checkout assistant, delivery person, your coach or your partner – take the time to be really generous. Make eye contact, feel the power of your gratitude, let them know how much you appreciate them.

• Telling the truth can be the most generous thing we can do. If you have an insight to share with someone that you’ve been holding back on for any reason, make a note of it. Perhaps you’re worried about hurting their feelings or there never seems to be the right time? Take a few minutes to think about how you can gracefully share what you need to, and give them the gift of your honesty.

4. Be generous with your network

We’re more connected than ever, and yet loneliness is becoming a problem we’re increasingly aware of. In fact, in January 2018 Britain appointed its first “Minister for Loneliness” following a report which showed that more than 9 million people in the country often or always feel lonely.

Connecting people and nurturing your own support network is a generous thing to do. The connection someone else is looking for, whether in friendship, business or any other area of their life, could be one that would be easy for you to make.

And if you become someone who connects others, they’re much more likely to connect people to you.

Create a community of giving in your own life. Here are some ideas:

• Is there someone you keep meaning to “grab a coffee” with but never quite get round to doing it? Next time you see them, pick a date and stick to it. You never know how you might be able to help each other.

• Can you think of two people who work in related areas but don’t know each other? Why not send a quick email connecting them, to see what ideas might be sparked.

• Do you ever see posts on social media asking for help with something you know nothing about? Be generous – make a point of thinking of someone you know who might be able to help. Signpost them to the person making the request, and see if they make all the difference.

5. Be generous with your wealth

If we’re feeling stretched financially, giving can feel tough, but in today’s world even a relatively small amount can make a huge difference to the lives of those in need. Setting up a regular commitment to a cause you love is a fantastic way to get involved and stay up to date with the incredible work they’re doing in the world.

And using your finances generously doesn’t have to mean charitable giving. It might mean getting really conscious of how you spend your money – choosing to buy ethically, whether through clothing or food, is one way of behaving generously towards others in the world.

At One of many we believe you shouldn’t have to choose between investing in yourself, and making a difference. We support The Hunger Project through donations and training to continue their incredible work in the world, and plenty of other businesses now have similar schemes in place.

How can you get creative to be more generous financially in the world?

• What charities are you currently giving to? Check in with your current causes and see if they still feel like a fit for your values. Would you like to add something new?

• How does your spending reflect your values? Can you be more generous in the choices you make?

• Can you be generous to yourself? Maybe you could do with some financial education to help you sort things out.

The practice of generosity

Living generously feels good. It reminds us that there is an abundance of good things in the world, and that by sharing those things freely we welcome more of them into our lives.

I’m curious: is generosity something you’re aware of? Do you practice it, aspire to it, or notice when you’re living it? Share your experience in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Christmas – Don’t miss the magic!

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)


Being an Australian living in the northern hemisphere, I find that this year I am really present to the sense that Christmas makes. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful time of year in Australia as well, because it’s summer with barbecues and lots of fun things to do. But there is something unique and special which makes sense of so many of the traditions when you are in the northern hemisphere.

It seems like it has become almost a given that this time of year just before Christmas everything gets crazier and crazier and busier and busier. There is the shopping and all the food to be prepared. Getting the turkey, stuffing the turkey, going to the pub with your mates, organising presents, buying presents, visiting family and friends, going to church and then getting home. Getting that last bit of work done before the office closes, all of that kind of stuff, the list goes on.

The trouble is when we do that we end up missing the magic, which is sad because this is a truly magical time of year. Here in the northern hemisphere we are in the middle of winter and it’s time for the PowerType of the Sorceress, that part of you that brings a little bit of fairy dust and is tuned into the mysteries.

The Winter Solstice is on 21 December, this is a really special time because it’s the shortest day, which by default means it’s the longest night. It’s the longest period of darkness that we have in the calendar in the year. Many of us we get freaked out by darkness but actually there is a great gift here.

Discover that gift!

Here in the northern hemisphere (I’ll talk about the southern hemisphere in just a moment) we’re in Winter. If we could take away everything that the culture demands of us, everything that our busy lives demand of us and actually tune into our energy at this time of year we will discover that our energy wants to come in. It wants to be inward focusing and reflective. Given the current fast pace of life it’s all too easy to miss this and unless we tune into it we will overlook it. We are all animals after all and we do respond to the seasons, whether we are aware of it or not.

One of the risks we run at this time of year is skidding through this amazingly magical moment without acknowledging it or noticing. The beauty of the longest night is that every day after this the days get a little longer and the light returns. I find it fascinating to think back many hundreds of years ago when perhaps our ancestors weren’t as confident that the spring was going to come as we are these days. When it was only sometime after the winter solstice that the days would start to lengthen and they would start to notice it. And they would celebrate. This is why we bring Christmas trees into the house at this time of year and wrap them in lights. And why we decorate our house with lights because at this time of year we want to celebrate the return of the light.

Whether that’s the Christian light of Jesus, Hanukkah, Pagan etc, it doesn’t matter what your tradition is or even if you don’t have any spiritual beliefs, you can tune into nature and you can get a sense that there is something fabulous and magical going on just now.

What don’t you want to have in your life anymore?

One of the things that I highly recommend is giving yourself permission, specifically in this week, to just be really present during these darkest days. Reflect on 2016 and anything that you don’t want to have in your life anymore. Anything that you don’t want to take into 2017 just become present to it and consciously let it go. Chose to let it go into the darkness. And then get excited that as the energy and the light start to return you will have all of the energy that you want and need to be able to fulfil on your goals and ambitions for 2017.

Know if you’re on the flip side of the world, in the southern hemisphere, where I usually spend my Christmases it does have a different flavour. It is summertime at this time of year and we are at the opposite end of the spectrum with the longest day. It’s such a delicious time of being with friends and people. So if that’s where you are make sure you are present to that, and that you revel in every drop of energy that you bring to that. Be present in those connections. Again it’s really easy in the summer celebration of Christmas to get wrapped up in it all and not be present to the gift that is there of being with people and being expressed which is what your energy wants to be doing in the summertime.

Wherever you are in the world simply tune into what it means for you and don’t let this week sweep by. There may be lots of things you want to get on with, and maybe a sense that you’re going to enjoy the break to catch up on the things you’re behind with but one of the first things that I really deeply hope you catch up with is your connection to you.

This is something that I am going to be really focusing on over this period, really taking notice of myself and my family. Taking notice of each other and what it is that we want to leave behind in 2016.

Merry Christmas and may 2017 be an exceptionally rewarding, fulfilling and successful one for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Get started with 7 Rituals for Calming the Daily Chaos so you’re in a position to handle the next mini-catastrophe coming your way, and take it all in your stride.

After all, shit happens no matter how intelligent or important we are. It’s how we handle it that determines out impact.

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Instinct or intuition… can you tell the difference?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’d love to enhance your ability to make the right decisions for your path in life then you’re going to love today’s blog. We’re going to look at where intuition comes from, what it is, what it’s not and how to enhance it.

Intuition is one of our gifts as women. I don’t think it’s exclusively the domain of women but we certainly have natural strengths and talents in this area and I believe the more we step into it the more fruitful, powerful and effective we can become.

Here at One of many™ we have a slightly different definition for intuition than the dictionary. We choose to distinguish between instinct and intuition because we believe it gives us access to a more profound wisdom and our ability to use our faculties as women.

The majority of dictionary definitions describe it as; The ability to understand something instinctively without the need for conscious reasoning. So they collapse instinct into the definition of intuition. Our experience at One of many is that our intuition comes from a different place to our instinct, let me tell you why.

Instinct for me is the body, it’s our heightened senses, the animalistic part of our nature. Our instincts can tell us when something is wrong, so it’s more of a survival drive and is often linked to fear.

However, if you are intuiting something, you can’t do it from a place of fear. You can’t intuit from anything less than a very open place. Intuition for us comes from source, from our connection to all that there is. It’s a very open state and deep knowing, which is usually accompanied by a real sense of okay-ness.

This definition is important because it helps us to utilise our intuition better. One of the most challenging things for us to do is to separate true intuition (which I believe is great for messaging as to whether we are on purpose for our destiny) from wishful thinking (which is what we hope will happen) or projection (which is where we interpret ideas or images through the lens of our own experiences or what’s happened to us in the past).

You want to be able to distinguish wishful thinking, projection and instinct from intuition so that you can actually start to use intuition as a real faculty.

Your higher self knows things that you cannot even conceive of and in those momentary flashes of insight, which we call intuition we can shape whole new directions for our future. It’s such a profound state.

What it’s not!

Let’s look first at wishful thinking. I remember when I was looking for an intimate partner I’d meet someone and think I had an intuition that this was the one. He ticked all the right boxes but then I’d be disappointed when it didn’t go anywhere. What I realised was this was a deep wishful thinking for a lifelong desire to be partnered with somebody which is easy to mistakenly misinterpret as intuition. It was never accompanied by a deep sense of knowing and was more of a frantic thing.

Whereas my experience of intuition is it is actually a very calm place. Not an agitated place, and wishful thinking can sometimes be an agitated place.

Now let’s look at projection. Projection is where we think our intuition is telling us something but we are actually projecting our past experiences onto a situation. I remember working with a lady who was convinced that her intuition was telling her that her husband was going to cheat on her. When he did she was not surprised but when we looked at it what we could see was because she was so convinced it had really altered her behaviour. And because she was behaving jealously and weirdly towards him the intimacy wasn’t there and so no surprises when it did go awry. I’m not saying that it’s right, but it is understandable. This is projection.

And finally your instinct, your animal body telling you something. Often it’s input from a survival standpoint. I remember once being London in a not so nice area and we were out for a walk when we turned into a street and I just stopped and said “We can’t go down here. It just doesn’t feel right.” It felt very fearful. This is instinct. And I will never know whether that was a right or wrong choice. But my instinct told me and so I listened.

Why you need to know the difference.

The problem is instinct, wishful thinking and projection are not helping to guide us towards our destiny. They are either keeping us safe or deluding us. So the only way for us to really be able to use this great tool of intuition is for us to be able to distinguish what it is.

How do you tell the difference?

All of the women who I have spoken to describe intuition as coming with a real sense of calm, openness, knowingness, joy and a sense of connection. There is no doubt, no questioning of it, simply real clarity.

I’m always a little bit wary of intuition if it comes with excitement because it could be a little bit of instinct in there. It is a heightened sense, with no fear, concern or worry around it.

There are many great stories about the power of intuition. It’s said that Einstein had clear intuition around his theory of relativity. And the great scientist James Watson who discovered DNA and the intertwined helix had a symbolic dream of two intertwined snakes.

Each of us has a different way that we relate with intuition. Some people have intuitive seeing; they might see a vision of something or get a picture. Some people are more clairaudient, they hear things; maybe voices or people come and tell them things in dreams.

Dreams and meditation are those times when your intuition can speak to you most strongly. So for that reason they’re the best places to start working on developing your intuition.

I’ve got a really simple 4 step process for helping to develop your intuition.

Step 1 – Get in flow.

There are many different strategies you can use to get in flow. One of the tools I really rely on is the morning journaling that I do. I write 3 pages of A4 each morning, it’s a general brain dump and works wonders. I also love going on soft play dates, these are quiet moments alone with myself. I get a lot of downloads and intuition at those times.

Step 2 – Really listen.

I say listen and that sounds like it’s auditory but what I mean is being really aware and open for the messages. Be tuned in and work through all of your senses. A good acronym to help you remember is VAKOG –visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory and gustatory.

Slowing down is key to you tuning into your wisdom. It’s really important to develop meditation techniques or whatever works for you to harness the ability to listen with every faculty of your being.

Step 3 – Ask for more.

Every time it happens be grateful for it and ask for more. This is thinking and thanking. At the end of every day if I’ve had an intuitive insight into something I make sure I stop and take time to express deep gratitude for intuition and the solution to my problem or whatever it is.

Step 4 – Get really familiar with your intuition.

Every time something happens take a moment to reflect and really look at whether it is your projection, wishful thinking, instinct or actually your intuition at work because the more familiar become with it the more it will happen in your life. If you slow down and spend time with it, your body will tell you.

Ask yourself…

  • Is it associated with an open state, feeling of connection and calm or not?
  • Is this wishful thinking?
  • Am I projecting or is this an instinctive thing?
  • Is it an image or sensation from my past?
  • Have I seen this somewhere in a book or on TV?
  • Does it have anything to do with my fears or worries?
  • How much do I wish that this was the case?

Remember if any of those things are triggered then it might not be intuition. If you feel conflicted at all as to which it is, then don’t act on it. Simply don’t do anything and the universe will give it to you again if you remain aware. She’ll keep tapping you on the shoulder until you step into it. So if you’re not sure where it’s coming from then it’s best to do nothing and ask for further clarity.

What things do you do to get in flow? Be sure to let me know by leaving a comment below.

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The Gift of Receiving

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Last week I had a melt down.

As I looked at the triggers it became clear that I had once more got myself into a situation where I was supporting everyone, and I wasn’t getting the support I needed.

Don’t get me wrong here I have a great supportive team.  They are amazing.  But I’m probably 6 months late on my most recent hire, and when our new General Manager started on Thursday, and we were bringing her up to speed, it became clear just how much I have been managing solo.

I didn’t want to bother my admin team with stuff because they were so busy, so I was doing it, Greg was so busy, so I didn’t want to put anything on him, so I was doing more… you now how it goes.  “I’ll hire a great team, but gee- I don’t want to bug them with the boring tedious things…”

Or maybe that’s just me.

You see I am a reforming S.I.W.  Strong Independent Woman. My catch cry was “I can do anything. I don’t need anyone.”  I avoid neediness like the plague.

This drive to avoid neediness is rife in so many women I coach and mentor.  Strong and successful they have often got there on their own.  Sure, they may have a team, but ultimately they will do anything to avoid being an imposition

At the core of it… many strong women see receiving as a sign of weakness.

Let me be straight here- there’s still a SIW-streak in me who (illogically) thinks that if I were to actually have someone else buy my groceries then I’m a failure as a woman.

(If you can relate to this, you might really benefit from a live 1-day training I’m doing in London in May called “Make the Leap”.  Details here)

So, anyway, this week has gotten me to thinking about receiving.

The Art of Receiving.

Graciousness is a key quality of the Queen.  She’s one of the 5 Women’s Power Archetypes we use in our work at One of Many.

Now, when I say “Queen” there’s not a one among us who would doubt the strength of that archetype.  She is strong, powerful, immense.

Yet- she is exquisite at receiving.

When the explorer kneels at her feet and lays down the rare and exotic fruit he brings back from his travels, she doesn’t say “Oh, no, no I couldn’t’ possibly.” She says, “Why thank you.  It is beautiful, and I look forward to tasting it. Congratulations on bringing it so far.”

The explorer NEEDS her to receive the gift.

Her gracious receiving is a gift to him.

In fact this receiving actually sets up a cycle of energy (or flow).

The act of receiving graciously is, too, a gift. (Tweet this)

Let’s look at it another way.

For most successful women, we are aware we need to “get help”.  We may catch ourselves thinking:

  • “I need to hire a new PA”
  • “I should ask Michelle to help me update my resume”
  • “It’s time I got a regular cleaner”
  • “We need a new customer service manager”
  • “I should ask my sister if she could pick the kids up and take care of them after school once a week.”

But in my experience the thought rarely gets activated.  And even if it does, it often doesn’t work out as well as it could because as women we are not taught to receive.

So your sister picks up the kids once or twice, but because you’re doubting your worthiness to be supported in this way, you find someway to sabotage the arrangement.

You hire a PA, then after 3 months your old “I don’t want to bother her with this piece, I’ll just do it” kicks in (oh yes- I’ve done this many times!)

Instead of turning such delicious opportunities into power trips or ego struggles, we need to consciously receive.

Here’s my recipe for making sure that getting support actually WORKS OUT.

  1. Recognise that you being supported is fundamental to the success of your business, family and/or community.  There’s a lot at stake here.  What you provide is necessary.  Your wellbeing is a must, not a nice to have.
  2. Step into your Queen archetype with your ‘support team’ (whether it’s your spouse, sis, PA, cleaner, your date, accountant or the grocery delivery guy).
  3. When someone helps you out, see it as a gift.  Sure they may be getting paid, but if you see the gift in everything, it activates great receiving.
  4. Receive graciously and let people know they are needed.

How to Receive Graciously.

Here’s a little template you can follow to receive well:

  1. Express gratitude for the gift
    –      “Thankyou so much for…”
  2. Future pace its use
    –      “I’m going to give this pride of place on the mantelpiece.”
    –      “Next time I’m feeling exhausted I’m going to remember that comment and feel better.”
    –      “That has saved me about 5 hours of running in circles.”
  3. Express how it makes you feel
    –      “I feel really honored/relieved/loved/appreciated/taken care of.”
    –      “You saved my life!” (My husband’s personal favourite!)

Sure a simple thank you can be enough.  But I find that going a little further has people feel needed, and deeply appreciated.  This is the gift for them.

So the next time the grocery delivery guy turns up on your doorstep, why not give him a gift.

“Thank you so much for bringing these. That drive through the countryside in the dark and fog just saved me 2 hours, which I get to spend with my family instead. It’s your job, I know, but it makes the world of difference for me and them. Thanks. Oh, and yes… bring them through to the kitchen, please.”

Maybe I’m mad. But I notice the more conscious I get and the better I am at receiving, the more opportunity comes my way.

Let me know how you get on! And if you’re up for growing in your ability to receive and be supported in your mission, it might be time to Make the Leap.  I’m running a live training in London on the 20th of May.  Check out the details here.

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The Secret to Getting Support from the Universe

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever had a time when it just seemed like everything was going your way? You could do no wrong, and it was like the universe itself was going out of its way to make things work for you. A lot of people experience this kind of thing sporadically, and think that’s just the way it has to be — sometimes you get lucky, sometimes you don’t. But actually, you have a lot more say in how much support from the universe you get than you might think.

It starts with a mindset shift…

One of our soft power principles is that you can trust life. And I know from my own experience and the experience of women I’ve worked with that you don’t even have to totally believe in this to make it work! If you can just open up to the possibility that life can be trusted, and experiment with what your life might look like if that were to be true, you will see a huge shift in your energy and in your life.

…and a habit of connection.

Once you’ve decided that you’re going to believe that you can trust life (or at least act like you do), then you need to start fostering a habit of connection. You may have experienced something like this already — maybe you’ve been to a workshop or a retreat, and you come away really connected to yourself, your vision, and Source. When you’re in that state, you’re unstoppable! You feel grounded and like you’re flying all at the same time, and things just work out for you.

But that connection tends to fade unless you make a specific effort to keep it up over time, which is where the habit, or ritual, of connection comes in. There are three habits that I use to keep myself connected and that I teach every single person I work with, because they’re just so powerful:

1. Morning pages

This is something I’ve been doing pretty much every morning for years, and it is so incredibly enlightening and grounding. The way it works is that as soon as you wake up, you write down three pages of whatever’s on your mind at the time, totally stream of consciousness. There’s no prompt or structure, you just follow the flight of your mind. And once you’ve done that, you turn to a fourth page and do something that stimulates your faith in Source. So maybe you doodle, or grab a card from a goddess deck, or write down an affirmation — anything that gets you into a great frame of mind for the day.

The key to making this really work for you is to (1) actually do it, and (2) wait three weeks before you read back over any of it. When you do go back, you’ll see all kinds of amazing coincidences, wisdom from your inner self, and notes from your archetypes.

2. Soft play

Soft play is something you love to do that adds a sense of luxury, adventure, and mystery to your life. Try to have a soft play date at least once a week where you do something that you genuinely enjoy, something that really nourishes you. If you’re stuck for ideas, think about the kinds of things that you really liked to do when you were seven. Look for things that feed your feminine energy and give you a little sense of risk too. When you do this,  you open yourself up to new experiences and the flow of the universe.

3. Thinking and thanking

This is one of my favourite things to do, because it’s the way you attract miracles (even if you don’t believe in them). Here’s how it works: every night before you go to bed, you take a few minutes to reflect on your day and think about any coincidences that occurred. Now they might not happen every day, but keep an eye out for them, and when they do happen, just say thank you. Bask in the gratitude of those coincidences, and then go on to reflect on everything else you’re grateful for. Finally, ask for more. Just say, “I’d like some more coincidences please. I’d like some more support. Bring it on!”

If you make these three things a habit, you’ll naturally fall into flow — you’ll be more and more connected to the universe, and you’ll be able to create things in your life that you never could have imagined!

Let’s practice: What’s one thing you’re really grateful for right now, that you’d like more of? Tell me in the comments below!

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The power of the collective

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

You may already know this, but things have been difficult for me recently. From logistics and planning issues to deep personal grief, it’s safe to say that the past few months have been some of the most challenging of my life.

But as tough as the last few months have been, they’ve also been some of the most blessed.

For the first time in my life, I’ve been truly, viscerally able to experience the power of the collective, that fabric of support that keeps us going through … well, everything. In case you’re not familiar with the idea, here’s how I see it.

Every one of us — you included — is a thread in this global, universal cosmos. There are threads that are aligned with you on either side of you and threads that cross your path, and the more threads you’re connected to, the more support you have.

More than a network

While I’ve talked a lot about the importance of having people around you before, this isn’t your typical “network”. I’ve always had loads of people supporting me, from my mentors to my sisters to health professionals and more, but when I’m talking about the fabric, I’m talking about something even deeper and more robust.

It took me 35 years to get it.

As a reforming masculine woman, I’ve spent over three decades doing my best to be independent. I wanted to do everything myself; I could do everything myself; I was happy to do everything myself.

While the concept of asking for help with something wasn’t beyond me, it was always just that: asking for help with something. The concept of asking for emotional or spiritual support never crossed my mind.

Now, as one of many women living in soft power, I’m having to walk this deeply spiritual path in which I do surrender and allow people to hold space for me. Because after all, what kind of person would I be if I told you to do one thing and then did something else myself? And I’ve understood that intellectually for a long time. But what these months of crisis have brought home for me is this:

I’ve had to actually surrender. To collaborate. To be held.

I’ve been so touched and amazed by the amount of support and space that people have held for me, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, from my professional mentors to my family to you in the One of Many community. So I’ve actually had an incredibly powerful couple of months, although they’ve been very difficult.

And now I want you to join me.

I know that you want to make a bigger difference in the world. But I also know that no single one of us can do it alone. The universe doesn’t need an individual difference to be made; it needs a huge, giant, collective difference to be made, and we can only do that together.

So my invitation to you is to ask yourself, how can you deepen your understanding of the collective?

How can you allow the universe, the fabric to support you when you most need it? The next time something happens when your normal response would be the masculine “push, push, push, solve it, get it done”, how can you let go? What would happen if you surrendered instead and let people help you for a change?

I truly hope that you’ll join me in leaning into the power of the collective — because when you do have that fabric of support, then you can truly fulfil the deepest callings of your heart.

Let’s start now. What’s one situation that you can surrender into over the course of the coming week? Tell me below in the comments!

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My favourite end-of-year practice

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

We’re now just days away from 2016, and I am incredibly excited for the new year! One of my favourite things about this time of year — besides being past the last minute pre-Christmas overwhelm — is that it’s the perfect part of the annual cycle to pause, rest, and look inwards. That’s why I wanted to share one of my favourite end-of-year practices with you: gratitude and reflection on the year that’s been.

Remember thinking and thanking?

If you’ve come across pretty much any of my work before, you’ll have heard me talk about one of my favourite practices: thinking and thanking. And if you’ve incorporated this practice of thinking back over the synchronicities and good things in your day, giving thanks, and asking for more of them, I’m sure you’ll have seen the huge impact it can have on your life.

As we’re getting into this very inward-looking, summing up part of the annual cycle, this is a great time to apply this practice on a larger scale to the past year.

Why bother?

As we’re moving into a new part of the annual cycle and a new year, it’s important to bring some consciousness to what’s happened in the last one. This is not only helpful for cementing any lessons you learned during the year, it can also be a self love practice as you thank yourself for all of your efforts, learning, and accomplishments throughout the year.  

Doing this also helps to bring some closure to this part of the cycle and your year. By looking back over everything, good and bad, you can forgive, celebrate, and get ready to start this new cycle fresh. 

Finally, by actively drawing your attention to the things that you are grateful for about the last year, you’re training your reticular activating system — that part of your brain that chooses what you focus on — to let more of those things into your active awareness. The upshot? You’re going to get more of the things you want, and less of the things you don’t want.

How do you do it?

This is a great exercise to do when you’re in your Sorceress archetype, since it is a lot about inner wisdom and awareness. Find some time to really get into your Sorceress, and maybe even go to your sacred space, if you can. Grab your journal, and find a way to ground yourself and get very into your body. Maybe you want to do a meditation, maybe a little prayer, whatever works for you.

 When you’re ready, I want you to ask yourself: 

What am I really grateful for about 2015?

Who am I really grateful for having in my life in 2015?

What did I learn in 2015?

What am I ready to let go of after 2015?

What do I want more of in 2016?

 Remember, there are no right or wrong answers, and there’s no judgement. The only thing I would remind you is that generally, you have to get to two “blank spots” or times when you think you’re done writing, and then go past them to get down into the really deep, soul level answers. So as I do my end of year reflections for 2015 this week, I really hope you’ll join me — let’s go into 2016 with gratitude together!

I’d love to know … what are your end of year practices? Tell me in the comments below!

 

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The art of gracefully receiving

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Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

This time of year is all about giving and receiving. And if you’re like many women, you’re great at the giving part. It feels natural to want to give to those you care about, it feels great to see the difference that your gifts can make in other people’s lives, and of course, it makes other people happy.

But what about the “receiving” half of the equation? So many of us (myself included) find it much more difficult to receive than to give. And it usually comes down to either getting into the Superwoman mindset of “I don’t need anything, I’ll just figure it out” or a kind of playing small mindset of “Well, I don’t want to bother anybody, so I just won’t mention it,” neither one of which are great. Instead, you need to…

Get into your Queen archetype

The Queen is very much involved with both giving and receiving. She oversees her hearth and realm and gives generously to the people there, but she’s also very open to receiving things from her followers, whether that’s in the form of time, money, help, or even devotion.

She knows that her followers want to give her things because of her leadership as Queen, and that being open to receiving means that life will bring you more. What’s more, she’s very graceful as she receives things because she knows that it is one of the best gifts you can give back to the person you’re receiving something from.

How to receive something gracefully

If it’s been a while since you’ve allowed yourself to receive something, you might find it a bit hard to accept it at all, let alone accept it gracefully! It’s really not that difficult though — all you need to do is:

  1. Express gratitude for the gift. Just say thanks!
  1. Connect that gift to a the future. If it’s a physical gift, tell the person how you’ll enjoy using it; if it’s some support, tell them how you’re going to remember it the next time you’re feeling down.
  1. Tell them how it makes you feel. “I feel really supported/honoured/loved…” etc.

My challenge to you: make a practice of receiving

So many of us have a dedicated practice of giving in their lives, but you need to make receiving just as much of a priority. So I want you to start actively looking for opportunities to receive in your life, from the great gifts of the universe down to compliments from a friend, what more are you going to allow yourself to receive in your life?

Let’s start now: tell me one thing that you’re going to gracefully receive in your life in the coming weeks below in the comments!