One of Many

Woman looking to create change

post

Guest blog: Is positive thinking good for you?

By

Annie Stoker

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many
Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.
Annie Stoker

Latest posts by Annie Stoker (see all)

Positive thinking is everywhere! You can’t have a coffee, go on Facebook or buy a journal without seeing messages to “think positively” and “be happy”. In our modern culture of busyness, stress and overwhelm, staying positive has become ever more popular as a way to keep focused on what we want to achieve and how we want to feel. But is positive thinking good for you, or could it have hidden drawbacks? Here’s a take you might not have thought of – and some important aspects to watch out for.

How can positive thinking help?

Many people are familiar with the saying that we ‘create what we think about’, and from this perspective positive thinking makes sense.

  • When we focus on something positive, such as going for a promotion that we want with a constructive outlook, we will create pleasant feelings which will influence how we act in the interview.
  • If we tell ourselves that we will never get the promotion, are not good enough and that nothing good ever happens to us, then we are likely to create a negative mood which will cause us to show up as anything but our best in the interview.

In this way, what we tell ourselves has a very real impact on our experience and results. However, this is not the only effect of positive thinking. Sometimes it can have some downsides too!

3 downsides of positive thinking

1. It can lead us to ignore our instincts

If we constantly need to change our thoughts from negative to positive, we may be ignoring what those so-called negative thoughts are trying to tell us.

I have met quite a few ‘deluded optimists’ in my time, who insist on putting a positive spin on situations that are clearly really unpleasant or upsetting.

There is a wonderful book by the philosopher Voltaire called ‘Candide’ in which the hero is taught that ‘everything is the best in this best of all possible worlds’. He is told to keep seeing life this way even though life is throwing him disaster after disaster.

By not listening to our thoughts that tell us ‘this is not ok’ we can risk ignoring warnings that could actually help us.

2. It gives power to the negative thoughts

If we constantly need to change our thoughts from positive to negative, we don’t learn how to deal with thoughts as a whole. Think of it this way: The mind is a machine that churns out thoughts. Some are useful and many are not.

However, if we don’t learn how to interact with the mind in a more mindful way, then we are always believing the negative thoughts, not liking them and then needing to turn them into positive ones.

Mindfulness gives us the ability to neutrally observe all types of thoughts, so that we are less affected by their content and don’t automatically believe them, just because they are in our head.

Let’s face it, the mind will always churn out thoughts, so having to always change negative thoughts to positive is quite a task! Mindfulness allows us to accept thoughts just as ‘mental events’ rather than the truth. As such we can engage or disengage from individual thoughts at will which allows us a great degree of autonomy from the mind.

3. It drains your energy

As we discussed earlier, negative thoughts create negative emotions. Positive thoughts create positive emotions. So, therefore, I hear you say, we just need to keep thinking positive thoughts so that we will feel happy!

Well, it’s not quite that simple.

If we insist on thinking positively, we run the very real risk of avoiding the negative feelings inside us. These may be from the past, or from current events. You may think that is a good thing! But research shows that when we avoid or suppress any of our emotions, it has a significant effect in lowering our levels of wellbeing.

Emotions are designed to be felt and released. For example, crying releases oxytocin and endorphins in tears which helps you to feel better. Emotions don’t cause us problems, but avoiding them does. If we suppress our emotions, they don’t go away, but just create a backlog inside us.

This can cause us to be overreactive to small triggers, to develop addictions to substances that make us feel better and can eventually negatively impact our health.

It is therefore important to keep releasing our emotions when they arise so that we fully process our reactions to our daily life. Many of us also have a big backlog from past events that we didn’t process completely, often because we didn’t like the feelings we had. These can turn into what I call ‘emotional allergies’ which we will do anything to avoid. That can include avoiding relationships so that we don’t feel hurt, not going for a promotion so that we don’t feel rejected or not taking our business to the next level in case we feel failure. These emotional allergies can run many of our behaviours – and therefore results – without us knowing about them.

What emotional balance looks like

Developing emotional equity, on the other hand, allows us to feel and welcome all emotions equally. There aren’t actually any negative emotions. Only ones that we find comfortable and those that we find uncomfortable.

Mindfulness gives us the skills to allow, welcome and accept all our emotions with kindness and compassion towards ourselves. This can enable us to both clear the backlog from the past effectively and deal with emotions in the present much more easily.

So, in summary, yes – positive thinking helps us feel positive! But it can also sometimes cause us to either avoid reality as it is, or our emotions as they are.

Bringing mindful awareness to your external life and your internal experience can give you a sense of peace no matter what is going on.

About Annie Stoker

Psychotherapist. Author. Property Investor. Dog-Lover. Chilled-Out Friend.

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK’s most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

post

How one hidden number shapes your life

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When it comes to talking about money, lots of us find ourselves switching off – and I’m really curious about why that is. A common excuse is that finances are kind of a “dry” topic. Income, expenditure, numbers… if you’re more of a people-loving, connecting, creative person it can be easy to dismiss money as something that’s quite frankly a bit dull. Well, today I want to share an idea that might just turn that on its head, and it’s how one hidden number shapes your life.

So if you tend to switch off or scroll past when people start talking about money, I’d love to challenge you to take a deep breath, and read on. It might just be the food for thought you need when it comes to changing your relationship with money.

Your financial set point

The idea I want to open up for you today is that each of us has a “financial set point”.

To explain what I mean, here’s how to figure out yours:

  1. Write down a rough guess at how much money you earned in the last twelve months. 
  2. And then, think about how much money you have left.
  3. If you can, repeat this process for the past 5 years – or as far back as you’re able to with ease. How much did you earn, and how much did you have left, roughly, at the end of each year?

Whether you know your exact numbers or not, this is going to give you some clues as to what’s going on.

Because what you’ll often find is that, however much your income has varied, your set point – the amount of money you typically have left – is very likely to be the same.

Your financial set point, although it’s an unconscious thing, reflects itself in your financial results.

When your financial set point is… zero

Before I began to explore this, I had no idea that my financial set point was zero. It wasn’t instantly obvious, because at that time my income was fluctuating quite radically.

I was a student, and then I was a medical intern, and then I set out on my own in business… but whether I earned a lot or a little, what was left at the end of the year was always zero.

What I began to understand was that in my world, there was always “just enough” – and I would get rid of anything that was more than enough.

Another friend of mine had a financial set point of negative ten percent. So when he earned ten thousand dollars in a year, by the end of the year, he was a thousand dollars in debt. When he started to make serious money, as you can imagine, that debt increased proportionally – and became a serious issue.

So your set point might be an amount – like negative two thousand. Perhaps, no matter how much you earn, you’ve ended up with negative two thousand pounds in the bank for the last five years of your life.

Each of us has a financial set point, and it’ll either be slightly positive, zero, or slightly negative. So take a moment, to think about that for yourself, and then spend some time writing down what you think it might be for you.

What your financial set point means

What’s fascinating to me is how your set point can offer you a really clear insight into some of the unconscious principles that can guide our financial behaviour.

After all, many of us are strongly motivated, year on year, to increase our financial pot – perhaps to get a payrise or a promotion, or to change our business practice so that we can increase our profits.

And yet if the net outcome of that is that you’re in exactly the same place financially, you might get a glimpse of a deeper issue that might need some attention.

Perhaps you’re so wedded to saving a certain percentage of your income that you’re not actually enjoying the fruits of it – instead, you’re squirrelling away funds for a “rainy day” and exasperating your family with the grip you keep on the purse strings.

Or maybe for you it’s the other way around. Get a windfall or a payrise and you’re spending the money as fast as it comes in – and then wondering why you’re still feeling insecure when it comes to your nest egg.

An interesting effect of a positive set point can be that you’ve outgrown your financial education. If you’ve been diligently accumulating wealth, but still storing it in the way you used to when you started out in your twenties, it might not be working for you as hard as it could do. Might be a good time to seek out a financial advisor for a look at the best way to help your money multiply.

Was this helpful?

If you’ve not come across this concept before, I’m really interested to hear what you found out. Did you get a feeling of at least a general direction? Did you not? Share what you find out in the comments.

Ready to explore more?

If you’re curious about what unconscious assumptions you might be making around money, and ready to look at how you could change them to create a very different experience, Wealth Insights is the place to find out more.

This half-day in-person training is your chance to get to grips with your unique situation when it comes to money, and discover the next steps you need to take towards financial freedom.

Registration opens soon and you can click here to join the priority notification list, and be first to hear when tickets are available. We’d love to see you in London in June!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

post

Guest blog: Your most intimate relationship (it’s not what you think)

By

Almira Ross

Almira Ross

Dr Almira Ross is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.
Almira Ross

Latest posts by Almira Ross (see all)

This article is by Almira Ross, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and BePowerful Programmes.

Your most intimate relationship probably isn’t with your partner, your kids or your family. These days, they often take distant second place to a much more intriguing, exciting and stimulating relationship. One we can enjoy any time of day, anywhere we happen to be, whatever we happen to be doing, no matter who we may be with. It’s all so easy, so comfortable, so inviting, so safe. Or so we think.

Your smartphone is your new BFF – Best Friend Forever

It might sound like a shocking statement, but take a minute to think about it. Your phone is your constant companion, with you pretty much 24/7: always on, always engaging, always demanding your attention. The smartphone has opened up a world that is irresistible. Where else can you

• Run your business,
• Work wherever you happen to be,
• Explore your neighbourhood,
• Shop to your heart’s content,
• Answer emails,
• Check the weather,
• Have a video chat with friends and family halfway around the world,
• Watch a cute video, or
• Take a photo of your meal and share it with everyone you know?

All at the swipe of a finger. Without having to leave the sofa. Or your desk. Or your seat at the restaurant.

You wake with it; quick to check your messages and email; carry it with you everywhere you go.

Maybe you even take it to bed with you to monitor the quality of your sleep.

Technology has advanced dramatically in the past 10 years. It’s only 12 years since Steve Jobs announced the first iPhone, yet this technology has rapidly become so much a part of our daily lives, we simply can’t live without it. For many, that dependency is now bordering on addiction, a worrying trend.

You don’t need to look far to see signs of it

I’m sitting at a posh restaurant in London. Fresh linen table cloth, silver service, a beautiful single yellow rose on the table, soothing atmosphere.

My husband, Michael, and I were having a deliciously romantic evening. As we sat sipping our before dinner drinks and sharing our lives from the day, I looked over at a younger couple at a table opposite us.

Like us, they had been seated opposite one another at their table. Their meal had already been served. Instead of enjoying it, each of them had their noses in their smartphones, thumbs flashing rapidly as they busily texted or posted on social media. Oblivious to one another and to everything around them.

Travelling into central London on the tube yesterday, I noticed that easily 9 out of every 10 passengers in my crowded carriage were having a love affair with their mobiles. It’s so easy, so convenient, so natural. And so addictive.

Your phone does make your life better and easier in so many ways. But at what cost to you and your loved ones? And what can you do about your own phone usage and that of your family, if technology has taken over your lives?

What does your screen time cost you?

When you spend so much time on your phone, connected to your online world, you can easily disconnect from those people who are nearest and dearest to you, and they from you.

You’re physically together, yet miles apart in your own separate worlds. Even if you are aware of this distance, it can be really hard to wean yourself and your family off their devices. Your technology and the world this opens up to you is sooooo irresistible.

When we step into the online world of cyberspace from our living room, our office or on the daily commute, we think this world is the same as the real world we’re sitting in. It isn’t.

It’s much more interactive and stimulating. We can go anywhere, explore whatever takes our fancy, and lose track of time (time we often class as wasted…)

Online, we can be different people

Research has revealed some fascinating (and scary!) trends in our behaviour online. We think we behave there as we do in the real world, but often we don’t.

We act ‘drunk’ – becoming less inhibited, more adventurous and willing to take risks.

In cyberspace, no one’s in charge; we can be anonymous or take on whatever persona we fancy; there’s a distance, a separation, between us and those we connect with.

With that distance and anonymity and without any perceived authority, we let go of inhibitions — a condition psychologists refer to as disinhibition.

We feel it’s safer than the real world and that connecting with people here somehow carries fewer risks. It isn’t and it doesn’t. If anything, it’s a far riskier place.

Problem behaviours can become bigger online. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a flaming email, aggressive texts or offensive posts, you’ll know how distressing this can be. And how quickly that behaviour can escalate. Behaviours that are socially unacceptable in our ‘real world’ can find a home and become normal in cyberspace. Porn, right and left wing extremists, self-harm, and unusual fetishes all have a home online. You find your tribe, and the behaviour is no longer ostracised; it’s celebrated.

This is especially worrying for children and teens, who often access adult material without either the emotional or mental maturity to handle it.

It’s so enticing, it’s addictive. In fact, this is a growing problem for adults, too.

So what can we do?

Technology per se is neither good nor bad. It’s a tool, one I’m passionate we women master so that we can lead the change we want to see in this world. Master that technology; not be its servant.

1. Mastery begins with awareness

Just how much time do you spend on your phone? The answer might surprise you. It certainly did me, when I set up the Moments app on my phone (iOS and Android) to check my own phone usage. I was shocked to discover I was spending over twice as much time as I thought.

Moments keeps track of the number of times and the length of time you spend on your phone. The beauty of this app is that you can set limits for yourself, and your family. It’s the first step towards understanding your phone use. And then making changes.

2. Get unplugged.

Agree boundaries around screen time for yourself and your family. Tech leaders like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates really restricted their children’s use of technology. The same is true for many other parents whose primary role is technology based. We understand the dangers.

Even a rule like no devices at the dinner table, or in the last 2 hours before bed can make a huge difference to your relationships — and your health. Reducing screen time limits the impact of electromagnetic radiation (EMR) on your body.

3. Enjoy your phone – consciously

And indeed all the powerful digital technology that’s available to us today. Explore the wonderful world it opens up for you, to learn and grow, to reach thousands of people around the world with your message and make your difference in this world.

Just treat it like the useful tool it is. Master it with discernment and it will serve you well.

Dr Almira Ross is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about  Almira, click here. Or for a taste of her work, click here to visit her website.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

post

Guest post: How to love yourself first

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I know you will have heard this before, but the most important relationship you have is with yourself. You are the first person you need to fall in love with – otherwise you are expecting someone else to fulfil you, putting a massive burden on them. Today I’m going to share some simple exercises so that you can discover how to love yourself first and foremost.

What’s your self-love score?

Let’s start by establishing where you are right now in terms of your love for yourself.

On a score of 0 – 100 – where 0 means you loathe yourself, feel you are a worthless pile of junk, and 100 means recognising that you are the most magnificent being and there is still more to come – where do you rate yourself right now?

Take a second and jot it down.

This will become the benchmark from which you will see yourself unfold.Whatever it is now, by the time you have finished this article, your score will have dramatically increased.

(If your score is low, do not fret because that means there is lots of lovely untapped potential to play with!)

Now take your score away from 100. So if you score yourself at 35, your new total will be 65.

The fantastic news is that there is 65% of you that you haven’t even begun to uncover yet!

Why does self-love feel hard?

In this society we are often taught to be self-critical, to weigh ourselves against others, and we are always found wanting. We never deem ourselves good enough. But until we can break down the barriers to our own heart, we have insufficient love to be able to share with another.

Unfair though it may sound, you are responsible for your own happiness. Nobody makes you happy or sad – that’s down to how you choose to respond to the circumstances around you.

No doubt you will have heard stories of incredible courage and even joy of people in the depths of human misery, yet deep from within emerges their limitless spirit.

That spirit is in you too.

What relationships with others can teach you about self-love

Intimate relationships present our greatest challenge because it is here that our reactive patterns of behaviour tend to be triggered by the close proximity and interaction with another person.

All our insecurities, self doubts and fears come up to be addressed. Your beliefs, your values, your rules, and your behaviour get challenged by someone else’s ideas about life and come up to conscious awareness, ready to be healed if you allow them to be.

This is often our greatest opportunity to make changes in our life, and causes us to look deep inside ourselves to find out what it is we really think, feel, believe and desire.

It is also our greatest opportunity to go beyond what we know, beyond what we feel we can give and beyond how we feel we can love. It stretches our limits and gives us the chance to expand and become more.

It is where our vulnerabilities are on display, where we can make the decision to let go of control and learn to trust, and be open to receiving the love of another.

How to learn to love yourself

So how can we learn to love ourselves first when we’ve been taught since childhood to put ourselves last, to view others as being better than ourselves? When we continually find fault with ourselves, why would anyone else not find those faults in us too?

Understand that you are a limitless being with the whole of the history of the Universe inside you. You are unique. We are all unique. You are an amazing creation – the chances of you being born are zillions to one – and the chances of being on this planet are zillions to one.

You are an extraordinary creature – a miracle of life, and when you start to see yourself and view your life as a miracle you will start to appreciate others as a miracle too, so you won’t get so caught up with the humdrum and the nastiness which is so prevalent in society these days.

When we let go of feeling inferior, we are amazing.

Grab a piece of paper and jot down the answers to the following questions as they come to you – you don’t have to share this with anyone else.

1. What do you love about yourself?

There are always things to love about yourself, even if it’s your nose or your feet, the way you tenderly care for animals, your smile, your touch, your ability to sing, your talents.

Come up with at least 10 things, and preferably 100, and please write them down so you can look at them on those occasional days when things may not be going according to plan.

2. What is your most valuable treasure?

  • Is it your vision?
  • Your talents?
  • Your love?
  • Your sense of humor?
  • Your ability to be flexible?
  • Compassion, creativity?

What would you be prepared to let go of – old limitations, old behaviours, limiting beliefs, continually telling your bad experiences to anyone who will listen…

You see, there’s part of you that you don’t know yet.

To find the amazingness of you, you have to go to places you’ve not yet been. Give yourself permission to be open, trusting and allow the process to happen. Allow love to pour through you as you uncover more of who you are – love is unlimited and boundless.

What we are still searching for is that feeling of being unconditionally loved, and being held and caressed and touched. This is why it is so important that we create that feeling for ourselves first by being kind to ourselves, loving our body and treating ourselves well.

Treat yourself well by understanding that who you choose to spend time with will affect your values, your language, your happiness, your health and even your earnings. Learn to love yourself by enjoying and appreciating your body – notice how you talk to yourself and what you put in your body.

Do you feed yourself with nourishing foods and drinks, and do you give it the exercise it enjoys?

When you learn to treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend, your body will respond beautifully.

4. What can you do for you that makes you feel really good inside?

Write down 3 ideas you could do this week – it might be as simple as wearing a favourite outfit, or taking 5 minutes to go for a walk somewhere beautiful.

5. Now write a vision of how you would like life to be as if it has already happened.

When you read this every day, your unconscious mind will take it on as a new program, so the new way of enjoying your life will be installed and overwrite old unhelpful beliefs. This works, it really works!

What’s changed?

Having completed those exercises, score yourself again as to how you feel about yourself, and see how much you’ve grown from how you scored at the beginning of this exercise.

When we accept ourselves fully, we stop being needy – it doesn’t mean we don’t need someone else in our life, just that we don’t expect them to do it all for us, as we don’t base our self-esteem on other peoples’ opinions.

If you learn to admire and honor and respect who you are, (the good, the bad and the ugly) it doesn’t mean you’re big-headed but that you honor and appreciate yourself and desire to be the best you can be.

When you continually enhance this special relationship with yourself, you will find your levels of happiness increasing more and more, and then you have more to bring to the world.

Would you like some extra support to reconnect to yourself?

If you’d like to talk about some extra support when it comes to relationships – with yourself or others – or find out details of our BeLove retreat where we look at these topics in more detail, we’d be happy to chat. Click here to book in a free, no-strings call with one of our friendly team and find out how we can help you find fulfillment in your relationships.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

 

post

Guest Post: How forgiveness frees you

By

Jane Lewis

Dr Jane Lewis has over 20 years’ experience as a coach, including working as a career coach. She’s an ordained Interfaiths Minister and her passion is helping women find their purpose and direction, and then release the mental baggage that stops them achieving it. Twice a year she goes to Hawai’i to teach and study Huna – the spiritual, energetic and shamanistic practices of the ancient Hawai’ians. Find out more at https://secretartofhuna.com.

Latest posts by Jane Lewis (see all)

I’ve been studying and teaching forgiveness for over 20 years now, and the more I really dig into the topic, the better I understand just how crucial it is for our wellbeing, and how forgiveness frees you.

I find myself getting really stirred up about it, because it so often gets overlooked and the consequences of not forgiving are profound, yet poorly understood.

Essentially there are two types of forgiveness: forgiveness of others, and forgiveness of self.

There’s way more written about forgiveness of others than there is about forgiveness of self, yet I am coming to believe that self-forgiveness may be even more important than forgiveness of others. It’s certainly the harder of the two!

The psychologists who research forgiveness have coined a term, ‘unforgiveness’ for the state of not forgiving. They have built up a fair body of research to demonstrate that unforgiveness can lead to both physical and mental health disorders, from heart disease and ulcers to depression and anxiety.

Clients and friends have described their deeper feelings of unforgiveness as pain in the neck jaw or upper body, being in a really dark place, or even as rotting flesh.

What unforgiveness does

The problem is that unforgiveness acts like a stressor in the body.

A certain level of ‘good’ stress is important to keep us motivated, but too much stress can literally be a killer, particularly if it continues for a prolonged period. Stress activates the fight/flight/freeze response in our bodies, designed to get us out of trouble when facing that sabre-toothed tiger.

Unfortunately for us, the sabre-toothed tigers of today tend to be workplace demands, the challenge of juggling childcare, care of ageing relatives and a demanding job, or just dealing day in, day out with an unpleasant boss, financial difficulties, or even a partner we’ve fallen out of love with.

These stresses don’t last for a few minutes or a few hours – which was usually the case with your sabre-toothed tiger.

They go on, and on, and cause our hormonal system to go badly out of balance.

Unforgiveness can have the same effect, particularly unforgiveness of self.

The role of shame

Have you ever felt shame about yourself? Have you let that shame go?

Most of us have felt shame at some point, but don’t know how to let it go.

For many of my coaching clients, shame can be a real energy blocker and stops them stepping up to their full potential and doing what they really want to do.

What kind of things do we commonly feel shame about?

  • Shame about how we are somehow less than we should be.
  • Shame that we are not enough.
  • Shame that we SHOULD be able to juggle, but we struggle.
  • Shame that everyone else around us is apparently doing so well, and we aren’t.
  • Shame that we haven’t fulfilled our potential, or done anything meaningful or extraordinary.

The list goes on.

How forgiveness frees you

Self-forgiveness is the antidote to shame.

When I forgive myself for the things I am ashamed of, life somehow becomes lighter, fear of stepping out of my comfort zone evaporates, and I do amazing things.

For years I was deeply, deeply ashamed of the fact that I had succumbed to clinical depression. As a child I had learned from my mother that our family didn’t do that sort of thing: it was a sign of weakness and some kind of attention-seeking. (This from a woman who tried to kill herself when I was 18, but we didn’t talk about that, either, because it was too shameful).

When I finally owned my depression, and forgave myself for it, the shame lifted and, in due time, so did the depression.

I also forgave my mother for her mixed messages, and for the impact that her suicide attempt had on me, which in turn massively improved my relationship with her and allowed me to feel a real compassion for her, which I’d never previously been able to feel.

Forgiveness over generations

Unforgiveness of self and others isn’t just an individual issue. It’s also a generational issue.

A student of mine recently realised that her unforgiveness wasn’t entirely hers. It was also generational, going back several generations in her family, who tended to be of an unforgiving nature. This realisation enabled her to take forgiveness to a whole new level, and she is experiencing it as life-changing.

Forgiveness is also potentially beneficial for pregnant mothers and their babies, particularly if the baby is a girl. In the womb, the ovaries of a female baby develop within the first trimester. In the fifth month of pregnancy the eggs that will become that child’s children also develop.

Maternal stress can have a negative impact on not just the baby in the womb but on that baby’s children.

So forgiveness really is a well-being issue, for ourselves and for our families. I’m not saying it’s easy, and very often it takes a lot of courage to forgive.

Yet forgiveness is incredibly liberating. For most people, the act of forgiving takes a nano-second. It’s the build-up to feeling able and willing to forgive that can take a lifetime, and thankfully there are tools and techniques that can actually make it happen.

About Jane Lewis

Dr Jane Lewis is a One of many in-house coach and ‘shaper of leaders’ with a long career in the corporate world.

She’s also an expert on forgiveness, and on Huna, the secret spiritual, healing and energetic practices of the ancient Hawaiians.

Jane is passionate about sharing her knowledge of self-healing through the release of mental and emotional blocks, including unforgiveness, to enable us women to be the leaders and role-models we were meant to be.

To find out more about Jane’s work, click here.

post

Why money is power – and how you can get more of it

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Today I want to talk about money – because our economic power as women is something which I believe we absolutely have to turn around if we are serious about shifting the way the world works. Not just for ourselves but for our kids, for our families, and for the world at large. And there’s a really important aspect to how we manage our finances that is often missing from advice about managing your money, and it starts by understanding why money is power – and how that impacts us.

Money is power

Here’s the interesting thing – as women, it’s been reported that we make 80% of the buying decisions on this planet.

Women are an army of change waiting to be tapped into.

It’s not a nation or an industry or some small group of power brokers that can actually change the world. It’s us.

The quote below comes from an article that’s almost a decade old now, and it reflects the excitement people began to feel around the world when we realized the implications of these statistics.

“Women have become the major drivers of the consumption economy in the United States, says Maddy Dychtwald, author of “Influence: How Women’s Soaring Economic Power Will Transform Our World for the Better.”

She says that women today influence 83% of all dollars spent on consumer purchases, including:
62% of all new cars
92% of vacations
90% of food
55% of consumer electronics
93% of health-care spending
94% of home furnishings

And as women have gained more economic might, they have also wielded this power differently than men, says Dychtwald. In developing countries, it has been documented that women reinvest 90% of their income in their families and communities, compared to men who reinvest only 30% to 40% of their income.”

John Cookson, How Female Economic Power Improves Society, 2010

If we get empowered around money, if we equip and empower ourselves around money and start making decisions which are in line with our values, then we could absolutely transform what the world looks like.

We don’t always realize the power we have

And yet, five years on, a US study by Fidelity Investments revealed that “eight in 10 women have refrained from discussing their finances with those they are close to”. And
just 47% of women said they would be confident discussing money and investing with a financial professional on their own.

There’s a gap, in other words, between our power to create change using our finances and our confidence in our ability to do that.

A second study by Fidelity, in 2016, analysed over 8 million investment clients and revealed that “women actually tend to outperform men when it comes to generating a return on their investments.” And yet the same report found that “when asked who they believed made the better investor this past year, a mere nine percent of women thought they would outperform men.”

The missing piece

This data is fascinating to me, because it points to something that’s long been a cornerstone of our financial training at One of many – and that’s the awareness we bring to our relationship with money.

Not how much we have, or what we plan to do with it, but the relationship itself.

Whether you feel fearful, or embarrassed, or confident, or in control…

You see, if we control the majority of the spending power, and tend to make better long-term investment decisions than men, the biggest problem we’re facing isn’t our ability to use our money. It’s having the confidence to take the reins and make those decisions in the first place.

Why we lack confidence around money

What I think we’re seeing at the moment is that over the last 100 years or so, where women have started to become empowered in the public sphere, we’re starting to see women who are showing a way of getting confidence in work.

We’ve fought our way through that glass ceiling and showed up, and we’re starting to be more confident there, we’re performing. Yes, there’s still a long way to go, but we’re doing great.

However, our money confidence is lagging behind our progress in other areas – like education, and careers. And this is a problem because if we look at the culture we live in, money is given a unique role.

All of us live in cultures where we are getting messages every day about what’s right, real, true, correct about ourselves, whether we fit in or we don’t fit in.

And for most of us, the cultural message around money – you only have to open a magazine, watch the news, or catch a movie to see this – is that money is the ultimate measure of value in our society.

If someone has more money or makes more money, the underlying assumption that the overwhelming majority of individuals will have about that person is that they are of more value than someone who makes or has less money.

Can you see how that kind of messaging can really dent our ability to feel strong and empowered financially?

How does your money confidence impact you?

Here are some questions to help you begin to explore how this messaging might be impacting you and your relationship to your finances.

Take a quiet twenty minutes to yourself, and do some journaling – write a few sentences for each question.

If you haven’t been in these situations, try closing your eyes and imagining seeing that number on your bank statement. Then connect to how that might make you feel, and write from there.

Do you find yourself equating your self-worth with how much money you’re making?

What happens to your self-confidence when your income goes down?

What happens to your self-confidence when there’s no money in the bank?

What happens to your self-confidence when you get a lot of money in the bank?

One of my clients experienced this last point vividly. Her mother died and left her an overwhelming amount of money. Now she was a great entrepreneur, who had started, run, and sold many great businesses, but she had never actually educated herself around managing her wealth.

And so when her mum died, she suddenly had a big pot of money – but no confidence to deal with it.

She found herself in a tailspin of anxiety. And that’s so normal because if we’re in a culture which rates our self-worth around money, then suddenly having a lot of it that you didn’t earn is a really fast way to dig up all kinds of psychological turmoil.

Equating money with self-worth keeps us from our power

And that’s where I think we are. As women, our money confidence is still being informed by the last few millennia where we have not been involved in commerce at all. That’s a situation which has only very recently changed so it totally makes sense that we don’t have a lot of confidence around our money.

The flip side of this cultural stuff that we’re swimming in, where women have not had opportunity to be involved with money for millennia, is all of the other messaging we get that tells us “women are crap with money”. Think about sitcoms or movies – it’s rare to see a female character who makes truly empowered financial decisions. Far more often, it’s the “ditsy blonde” piled high with shopping bags, right?

What does that do to our self-confidence?

It’s time we took back our power when it comes to money.

And the first step is to become aware of what level your confidence is at around your finances, and how that’s getting in the way of you feeling in control.

The world needs changing. We can change it with our economic power – and where we are giving our power away, then we are not fully stepping up to the calling that’s there for us.

Want more help?

If you’ve got everything else sorted in your life but you’re not looking at money, it’s your blind spot. The leak in the bucket that is your power, and it’s important to take action on this.

If that rings a bell for you right now, click here to drop us a quick line at the office so we can set up a time to chat. The kind of support you’ll need is absolutely personal to you, and our team here are fantastic at helping you work out what that is and signposting you in the right direction.

This is the first step to understanding how money really works, how it interplays with our mind – because unless we can get our mind on board, then we’re stuck.

Grab your power back, not just for you but for the impact you’ll have in the world.

Share your money story

Where are you at in your relationship with money? How is your mindset supporting you, or holding you back? Share your money journey in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

post

A nifty trick for creating healthy habits

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It was seriously cold. Think, minus 28 degrees Celsius. My eyelashes were frozen… my hair was frozen… and there, on the back of a sled, whizzing through the breathtaking Swedish scenery, I learned a really nifty trick when it comes to developing healthy habits.

From a husky, of all things.

Yup, my 2018 trip to Sweden with the Empress collective of female entrepreneurs certainly came with some unexpected results! And I want to share one of them with you today – because it might just make the difference when it comes to any healthy habits you’re planning to create.

What a husky has to teach you about habits

Just in case you’re not au fait with dog-sledding terminology (you mean that’s not one of the many strings to your bow?), here’s how it works.

The sled is made up of a team of dogs. To the untrained eye, it looks like they’re all pelting madly in the direction you want to be heading.

But, as in any effective team, every member plays a different role. There are some that are great for balancing the sled on turns and corners; others who provide the “muscle” that keeps the pace up and the momentum going.

And right at the front, are the “Lead Dogs”. These are the ones that caught my imagination – and I’m going to explain how they relate to you, I promise!

Lead dogs are great at listening to and responding to commands. They’re fearless, and motivated to keep bounding forward even when the going gets tough. In short, they’re the dogs which pull all the others behind them, keeping them on course.

And this is where your habits come in. You see, there are certain needs which I now think of as “lead needs”. They pull everything else behind them.

For me, a really key need is sleep. If I have a good night’s sleep, I’m more likely to meet all my other needs more effectively – drink enough water, do my morning pages, make a healthy breakfast… everything else follows on from there.

Why “lead needs” make a difference

In the words of Sarah Stokey, of Turning Heads Kennel in Alaska,

“Sled dogs with good attitudes see obstacles as challenges to overcome and they thrive in adversity. Great lead dogs do not back down when the going gets tough, rather that is when they shine the most!”

Your “Lead Needs” will operate in exactly the same way. When life gets full and challenges arise, embedding these key habits will help support you in every other area of your life.

So when you’ve figured out your “lead needs”, how do you build habits around them that will really stick?

Habits that stick

In his excellent book The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg calls these kinds of foundational needs “Touchstone habits”. They’re the habits which have a knock-on effect on multiple other areas of your life.

When it comes to getting these behaviours in place, he suggests a 3 step process:

  • Cue
  • Reward
  • Routine

Now in my experience, the “cue” part bears careful thinking about.

Research shows us that if we’ve thought through in really specific detail exactly what we’ll do when it comes to a desired behaviour, we’re much more likely to follow it through.

Thinking through the real-life scenario of what you’ll do as part of your new habit can also help you identify the little tweaks that will allow you to craft a truly effective trigger for what you want to do.

Creating an effective trigger

Let me give you an example. A while back I had a goal to drink more water. I came up with a great cue – every time I took a loo break, I’d have a drink of water. The more hydrated I am, the more I need to go, so it’s a virtuous circle, right?

Only, when I thought through the actual step-by-step of how that would work, I realised that something often stopped me. I didn’t want to go into the kitchen when Rosie, my little girl, was playing – it would disrupt my work time and distract her from her activities too.

So my game-changing action was to leave a jug of water in the hallway, so I didn’t need to go into the kitchen. That made the cue I’d chosen really effective.

Maybe for you you’d love to get to bed earlier.

You think through what needs to happen – and realise that when it doesn’t it’s usually because you’ve been on your phone, scrolling through social media and falling down those “internet rabbit holes” that suck us in.

The solution might be to set an alarm on your phone for an hour before bedtime and at that point, literally switch off the wi-fi router. That’s a powerful trigger for your bedtime routine, with a reward of a lovely herbal tea in your favourite mug, to help you drift off.

So here’s my suggestion if you’d like to implement a new habit:

1. Identify your Lead Need

(It might be a Touchstone like exercise, which research shows has several beneficial effects or something you know makes a huge difference to you personally.)

2. Think through the actions you’ll need to take

Include what blocks or challenges you can head off before they stop you

3. Pick your trigger and set yourself up to succeed

Make sure you choose a lovely reward – it doesn’t need to cost money or be complicated – to celebrate your new habit!

I’d love to know how this works out! Let me know in the comments, and share your healthy habits with others.

Not sure what your lead would be?

If you know you’d love to feel healthier and more energised, but aren’t sure where to begin, you might be interested in joining us for BeVital – a 2-day retreat where you’re guided through an in-depth look at how you can bring more vitality into your life. It’s definitely not a bootcamp, a diet or an exercise regime – more a gentle, supportive transformational process designed to give you back control.

For more info, click here to arrange a call with the team and find out all the details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

post

Why can’t I just relax and enjoy life?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’re reading this, you’re probably lucky enough to have a fridge full of food, a computer and an internet connection, and a level of comfort and luxury that vast numbers of women in the world would long for. And yet, for many of us, being able to actually relax and enjoy life feels like an impossible challenge. (Which we promptly feel more guilty about…).

A famous 2009 study, “the paradox of female unhappiness” showed that women reported their levels of happiness to be declining overall, even as they gained equality and economic power during the 1970s. So if you’re feeling unsure about how to get some joy back into your life, perhaps it’s reassuring to know you’re not alone.

Finding happiness: where to start

If you’re struggling to find any motivation at all, or feel that you’re in need of extra support, it might be time to get some more tailored help. Chat to your doctor or give the office a call if you think you need support beyond the simple tips I’m going to share now.

But if you’re just feeling a little flat, and would love to get your “mojo” for life back, these 5 questions can make a real difference.

After all, finding out what makes you happy and discovering ways to bring more joy into your life wasn’t on the curriculum for most of us at school. And the archetype of “Superwoman” – the mode so many of us find ourselves trapped in – is characterised by a constant state of striving towards the next (often unattainable) goal.

So what’s the answer? Here are 5 quick questions to ask yourself if being able to relax and enjoy life is something you’d love to know the trick to.

1. Are you playing to your strengths?

When it comes to how you spend your time – at work, with your family, or with friends, are you the proverbial square peg in a round hole? Perhaps you’re a creative free-thinker, and yet your role in your team has you cracking the whip to meet deadlines and tick boxes. Or you crave security, and yet are stuck on the freelance rollercoaster, desperate for some consistency in your income and your workload.

For high achieving women, the tendency is often to blame ourselves if we’re not happy. We think we need to work harder or adopt new habits. But it may simply be that you’d be more in flow, feel more valued and in control, and find everything easier, if you were doing activities that suited you better.

Knowing your strengths is the first step here. When you understand what makes you tick, you’ll find it far easier to make decisions about what might be beneficial to change.

2. Are you being too hard on yourself?

Perhaps you’re pretty sure your work is a good fit for you. In fact, it might be something you’re so passionate about that it’s starting to be a problem – when you find you can’t switch off and nothing you do feels like it’s enough.

Feeling constantly inadequate is a sure symptom of Superwoman. The truth is, we’re all human, and there are limits to what we’re able to achieve. High standards aren’t a problem per se, but if your expectations are unrealistic you’re setting yourself up for exhaustion, overwork and even burnout.

Talking through what’s on your plate with a coach, peer or trusted friend can be a good way to gauge if you’re overstretching yourself. Or try writing out a big list of everything you’re aiming to achieve in the next month or so. Is it realistic? Does it leave time for you to rest and replenish your energy? Be honest – creating a more achievable framework might radically reduce the pressure you feel.

3. Are you building in time to relax?

We often need more rest than we think. And one of the key ways to make sure that rest is as effective as possible is by paying attention to your natural energy cycles. If you’re menstruating, that might mean scheduling in extra downtime around your period. And if you don’t have a menstrual cycle, you’ll probably still notice an ebb and flow of your energy at different times.

Whether it’s as simple as taking a walk after lunch or getting an early night the day before a breakfast meeting, paying attention to the rest you need and allowing the time you need to replenish your energy can pay dividends.

Fresh air, movement, time to connect – the exact replenishment you need will vary. The key is to make time to ask yourself what you need – and then do it.

4. Do you have the support you need?

Good relationships lift you up and support you. In the words of Michelle Obama:

“Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don’t hurt. They’re not painful. That’s not just with somebody you want to marry, but it’s with the friends you choose. It’s with the people you surround yourself with.”

If the friends you spend time with, the people you follow on social media or the team you work with are draining, unkind or just not aligned with your values, it’s bound to feel challenging. Our online community is a great place to connect with likeminded women – or perhaps there’s a local group you could meet with in person. From sport to knitting to personal development, there are countless groups where you might find the support you really need. Get that warm support in place, and you might find your outlook begins to change.

5. How can you bring more pleasure into your life?

I’m a big fan of “bridging rituals” – ways of marking the transition from one way of being to another. For example, taking a walk round the garden on my way to my home office; pulling an inspirational “goddess card” to set an intention, or having a bath to relax at the end of a long day.

Part of the function of these rituals is to act as a marker that I’m shifting from one energy to another. Perhaps I’ve been having a difficult conversation with a team member, or been deep in a financial meeting where we’re making projections for the future, and it’s time for me to transition into “Mum” mode. Or I might have been down on the floor playing Lego with my son, and now it’s time for me to spend some quality time with my husband outside of our work and family responsibilities. These little rituals help make me more effective and present in each of the different activities that make up my day.

But the other thing they do is act as small mindful moments. They’re pleasurable things in themselves – a scented candle, the fresh air of the garden, a delicious bath.

There’s no rule that says life has to be difficult or boring. If you’re finding it hard to relax, ask yourself what small pleasures you can bring into your day. Could you get some photos of happy times printed and framed, to brighten up your desk? Buy yourself some gorgeous stationery to brighten tedious admin tasks? Or find an inspiring podcast or audiobook to make a long commute something you look forward to?

Want more help to enjoy life?

Knowing how to make life more fun starts with knowing who you are: what lights you up, what feels natural and easy, and what challenges, blocks or frustrates you.

Your Women’s PowerTypes Profile™ is a personalised report into your unique balance of PowerTypes and the insight it brings is remarkable. It can help you:

  • Get clarity on your motivations, reactions, and natural strengths – why you behave the way you do (and why that varies in different situations)
  • “Change the channel” and choose a fresh approach whenever you encounter a new challenge – one that feels good
  • Step away from triggers, flare-ups and frustration without getting caught up in drama or switching off your emotions
  • Understand why other profiles or personal development tools might have felt incomplete or failed to “stick” – and what you can do differently
  • Feel more in control, relaxed, and able to express yourself fully in every area of your life

Sound good? Click here to get your report today.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

post

Before you change your life, do this

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

There’s something so tempting about a fresh start, don’t you think? For lots of us that “blank page” feeling is strongest at the start of a new year – it’s January, you’ve got a crisp new planner, and you’re ready to fill it with juicy actions that will take you to the place you want to be in twelve month’s time. Or perhaps you feel it most on your birthday, at the start of Spring, or some other time when you suddenly feel the urge to commit to real change in your life. But before you do, may I make a suggestion?

If you’re feeling like you want to change your life, read on to find out what to do first.

The allure of the new

What’s really tempting when we feel motivated to create something new is to dive in and focus our energy on what it is we want to create. It’s understandable! What you’re imagining probably sounds delicious.

That vision of the fit and healthy you who wakes up well-rested and feeling energised to get out and get moving…

Feeling a thrill of gratitude when you look at your bank balance and realize you’ve got more than enough at the end of the month…

Laughing with your kids on an unplugged family holiday that’s filled with love…

Those are beautiful dreams. And whatever it is you’re wanting to create, it’s definitely important to have a clear vision in your mind of what it is that’s coming to you. In fact, it’s a vital part of the process when it comes to creating the world we want to live in.

But before you swing into “making it happen”, pause for a second. There’s something important it’s important to ask yourself before you dive into making change.

What’s your motivation?

You might have come across the concept of “towards” or “away from” motivation before, but in case you haven’t, here’s a quick rundown.

Motivation to do anything in your life, whether it’s finally quitting that occasional cigarette habit or moving to a new town for the scary-but-awesome job you’ve landed at your dream company, can be split into two camps.

Towards motivation is whatever’s pulling you in the direction of what it is you want.

It might be “feeling free and energised in my body”, or “being able to buy organic veg for my family, all the time”.

Both of those describe a place that you’d like to get to, and that’s what might motivate you to ask for a pay rise or get up and go for a run, even when it’s dark outside.

Away from motivation is the impulse to leave behind the state you don’t want to be in.

So to use the same examples, away from motivation might be “stop feeling so heavy and lethargic” or “not feel anxious about the budget when I do the weekly shop”.

The action you want yourself to take is the same in each of those examples, but the motivation is very different. And it matters.

“Away from” motivation tends to work well at first, but fizzle out as you get further from where you’ve started. Once you’ve got away from where you started, there’s less and less impetus to keep going.

“Towards” motivation, on the other hand, tends to keep you in action. As you get closer to where you want to be, you feel excited – as your goal approaches,it can even feel like you have more energy for what you want to do.

You often appreciate your progress much more because you’re focused on what it is you desire.

You’re more likely to notice each incremental step towards your goal, and celebrate it.

So when you think about creating change, ask yourself what you’d like to move towards before you start implementing any big shifts.

You may find that the action steps you do take are a whole lot easier to sustain. And if you’re serious about making change, there’s one other question to ask yourself that will make creating a sustainable shift a whole lot easier – and more likely to last.

Who will help you?

Trying to create big shifts in your life by yourself can be tough.

Maybe your family are still expecting you to serve up winter stodge, when you’re ready to eat some green things with a bit more crunch to them. Or your colleagues are wedded to the “who can leave latest?” competition, when you’ve resolved to make sure you finish at a sane time and actually get to hang out with your partner for a change.

Having some support and understanding from someone else can make a serious difference to how effective change is.

And it makes it more enjoyable, too.

So think about it – how can you get the support you need?

If you want to start reading more, why not take it a step further and join a book group?

If you’re committed to spending more time away from the screen, why not ask a friend to come for a weekly stomp in the woods?

It might be that the change you want to make is a profound one, that’s going to take a bit more than just a mate to text when you’re finishing work for the day. Professional support, whether counselling or coaching, is a smart investment when it’s time to create real change. (If you’d like a helping hand, feel free to drop us a line so we can chat about what might be a good fit for you).

A retreat, a course, some financial education… whatever it is, find your comrades in the change you’re making and lean on them when you need to.

What would you like to change?

I’d love to know how you’re growing and challenging yourself – and what you’re doing to give yourself the best chance possible of success. Leave a comment below and let’s cheer each other on to make sustainable changes that feel really good.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

post

Banish busy: How to manage time and stress less

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The number one mistake that most women make in the interest of time management is aiming to be able to do more in the hours they have. It’s this idea of being more “productive” that’s started to seem like the most important goal of time management. When what we really need to learn is how to manage time and stress less – so that, instead of making the treadmill run faster we’re actually stepping off it all together.

You see, productivity starts with this assumption that we’re almost like machines – we can be relied upon to produce a certain amount of “output” each day. It’s looking at what we produce as though it can be controlled in a linear fashion. No surprise that it’s a concept that first gained traction during the industrial revolution, when machines began to be brought in to complete work.

But we’re not machines, and that’s why I avoid thinking about productivity altogether.

Which sounds wonderful, doesn’t it, only – you still need to be able to get things done, right? You have targets to hit, revenue to generate if you’re in business, people to manage. Maybe a family to get to places on time.

And though it might be lovely to say to your boss “Sorry, I’m letting go of the concept of productivity”, the reality is it won’t quite wash when it comes to having the impact you want.

So what I want to share today is a different way to look at this which means that you’re not blocking your own effectiveness, you’re simply changing the lens through which you look at it.

Time management – the old way

So let’s start with the way most of us have been taught to think about managing our time. It’s kind of like a jigsaw puzzle. You might look at your week and figure out you have 8 hours a day to complete a set of tasks. And when you try to be more productive, you’re seeing how many tasks you can slot into those 8 hours.

Secondary to that, is your own energy and wellbeing. How stressed you are, that kind of thing.

Once you’ve plugged in all the things you want to get done (there’s usually a lot more of them than would realistically fit into that time, but most of us kind of pretend that’s not true) then you think about your energy.

At a push, you might schedule in things like gym sessions or doctor’s appointments. But fundamentally, your rest and replenishment gets fitted in around the “Important Stuff”.

And so, the inevitable happens. Things take longer than planned. Meetings get moved; projects get delayed; computers crash and mistakes happen.

(Life, in other words).

But because the focus is on managing time, it’s the rest and replenishment that gets shunted over to make way for all that “Productive” work.

The result? Well, the statistics speak for themselves. We’re 60% more likely to suffer from job-related stress than men; our happiness is declining and our rate of burnout is far too high.

A different way to frame your time

I prefer for us, especially as women, to focus not on productivity, but on becoming more fruitful. “Producing an abundant growth, as of fruit”, that’s the definition.

We need to develop a relationship with ourselves, our bodies and our energy levels that we can know when to expect fruit from ourselves and when we need to regenerate, replenish.

We need to shift from productive to fruitful – and there’s several different things that I want you to think about as we do this.

Productivity was about work. Fruitfulness is about tapping into magic. That’s how I want you to start thinking about creating results, shifting out of hard work and looking for opportunities to move into magic, finding the easy way through .

Now if you’re thinking “magic’s all well and good, Jo, but how does that help me meet the deadline that’s just landed in my lap?”, here’s the key:

I want you to shift out of focusing on time and instead focus on energy.

Imagine if, when you planned your time, you focused not on how much you could get done but on how you could give yourself optimum energy on any given day. Building in the walks, the movement, the time to restore yourself.

Think about how much more effective – not productive, but truly effective – you would be if every moment you spent you were working at your optimum energy.

  • If when you had time with the family you were 100% switched off and connected.
  • Or when you came to go to an important meeting, you felt rested, energised and full of ideas.
  • Or when you needed to blast through a bunch of admin you could be laser-focused and decisive

Finding a new way of doing things

It’s not about time management, it’s about energy management.

Which means it’s time for us to stop pushing through. Pushing through doesn’t serve anyone, it just gets you to breakdown faster and more efficiently. And that’s not what we want!

Instead we want to focus on replenishing, understanding our cycles, and knowing when it’s time to replenish.

Rather than assuming we can say yes to life and everyone and everything, we need to learn how to say no effectively, gracefully and with ease.

Rather than focusing on achievement all the time I’m going to invite you to start to focus on the journey.

Rather than having a linear perspective on your energy which is a very masculine paradigm or even mechanistic paradigm, it’s time we discovered the true power of our cyclical nature.

Doesn’t that feel different?

How to start when you’ve got no time

When you’re totally busy and swamped with tasks, getting the breathing space to rethink your approach is your number one priority.

If you’re feeling frazzled and run down, then the best place to start is by taking a look at the Overwhelm First Aid kit.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.