mindset Archives - One of Many

A surprising way to boost your leadership

June 3, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

Sometimes the things which have the biggest impact on your world are the ones you least expect. That’s certainly what I discovered when I stumbled on a surprising way to boost your leadership. It’s something you might be inclined to dismiss as “frivolous” or “unnecessary” but for me, quite the opposite was true. So read on with an open mind!

A couple of years back, our family needed to move house unexpectedly. With two small kids and a business we run from our home, the upheaval was pretty intense. After the move, I found I really wanted to focus on replenishing my energy, making sure our community and clients weren’t impacted by what was going on, and spending lots of time with my family to make sure we were all settled in.

Decorating, arranging the house, sorting out furniture… all of that went way down on the list. I was happy with that, and if you’d asked me I definitely wouldn’t have said it was a problem.

Choosing dining room furniture, prettifying the bedroom?

I had bigger priorities.

Or so I thought…

Do you prioritise beauty?

Now you might not be starting from scratch with an entire house. But I bet there’s an area of your environment – a corner of your living room, your desk, the kitchen – that’s on that “must get round to it at some point” list.

It might function perfectly well – but it’s not beautiful.

That element of beauty is something we almost never think of as part of being a leader. Let alone think of it as a way you might be able to actively boost your leadership.

And yet, to my surprise, my experience proved different.

You see, after a period of time, it started to dawn on me that I was really finding it hard to continue to replenish my energy in a meaningful way. Knowing the possibility that I saw for the spaces in our home, and seeing them not being done was a constant loop running in my mind.

Every time I would walk from my bedroom down the stairs, through the house, to the kitchen and up to the office each day, I’d be walking past places where I had ideas, or I wondered what we could do to make it more beautiful.

It was just adding up as a stress.

And it turns out – science backs me up.

The science behind beauty

You might have heard that having beautiful things around us is supportive to our wellbeing, but it might interest you to know that there’s quite a bit of research to back this up. An interesting study back in 1984 looked at the medical records of people recovering from gallbladder surgery. They discovered that, all things being equal, patients that had bedside windows looking out onto leafy trees healed on average a day faster, needed significantly less pain medication and had fewer post-surgical complications compared to patients who had a view looking out onto a brick wall.

Since then, further research has shown that just three to five minutes spent looking at views dominated by trees, flowers, or water can begin to reduce anger, anxiety, and pain to induce relaxation in healthy people. And can even cause physiological changes on our blood pressure, muscle tension, heart and brain electricity.

Nature is so powerful that even pictures of landscapes can soothe!

And I think it even can go beyond that. There’s some interesting research done on behalf of the commission for architecture and the built environment here in the UK. The research demonstrates that beauty produces a positive, emotional experience in the observer, which enhances feelings of happiness and wellbeing.

Some of us are more or less sensitive to our environments than others. But for many of us, every time we walk through a space which is chaotic, that doesn’t look the way we’d like it to look, or that’s less than beautiful, it contributes to a sense of stress and lack of wellbeing.

Is it frivolous to focus on beauty?

Despite this evidence of its impact, beauty is one of those things that lots of us secretly judge as being a bit frivolous, perhaps a waste of time, a waste of money.

I know in my own experience it’s something which often falls to the bottom of the list. I’d be far more likely to invest in coaching or training than in the space I live and work in.

And yet I know that lack of beauty does stress and impact me.

So, one of the things I committed to doing,was just picking off a room at a time.

One of the things that I noticed, was that simply by opening up to the idea of making a space beautiful, I started to activate a part of me that I hadn’t paid much attention to: I began to feel into what I liked and what I didn’t like

“Yes, I like that”

“No, I don’t like that.”

Because, having had to ignore mess and having to ignore chaos for a period of time, I’d really had to numb myself out to what I did and didn’t like.

Can you relate? When you “tune out” from your own discomfort, it actually takes a while to get used to making choices again!

For me, that muscle of “Yes this… No that” had got a little bit blunted. So going through this process, just by picking off one room at a time, began to open up my own awareness of what I do and don’t like to be around, visually.

And I think for me, the bottom line of what I’ve loved about the process is that it has invoked and reactivated my Lover PowerType.

The Lover PowerType and how it can boost your leadership

The Lover s one of our 5 Women’s PowerTypes. These archetypes are role models of feminine leadership, that each contain qualities we can bring to different situations.

Lover is the part of us that is connected to bringing ambience and beauty and pleasure into our spaces.

She’s also the part of us that is the source of our own creativity.

She is the center of our own self care. She is the center of our sensuality and our sexuality.

And I’ve got to say spending some time with her has enhanced all of those other areas of my life: my creativity, my own sense of wellbeing and my relationship too!

As a leader, Lover is powerful and magnetic. Others are drawn to her presence; she makes everyone around her feel great.

Far from being selfish, when you can bring more Lover to boost your leadership you’ll find you’re able to create powerful connections and achieve new results.

By taking exquisite care of yourself, you open up the potential to create and connect on new levels with those around you, too.

If you’d like to discover your unique Women’s PowerTypes profile, you can do so for free with a ticket to the One Woman Conference happening 12-13 June 2021. Click here to find out more and book your ticket.

How connected are you to Lover?

Many, many of us women find the Lover challenging to connect to.

Here are two things you can do right away to begin to nurture this connection.

#1 Look at your relationship to beauty.

Is it like mine was for a time – a little bit closed down, or even something you don’t really even notice? And it’s just not important or interesting to you?

Is it something which you’re aware of, but you’re frustrated by because you feel for time or money reasons, you’re not able to do anything about it.

Is it something that’s really important to you?

Reflect on it for yourself. What, how do you relate to beauty? Perhaps you’d like to journal on it over the next couple of days.

#2 Consider the space around you.

It might be your home environment and your office space. It might be even in your car, your garden, anywhere you spend a significant amount of time.

How beautiful does it feel to you?

If like me, you look at it and it’s overwhelmingly not beautiful, then, you might want to consider doing something about it.

I’m not suggesting for a second that this has to be something that takes over your life and your budget!

But what I’ve been very pleasantly surprised by is those hidden places that you may or may not know about to bring beauty into a space. Finding hidden gems in secondhand shops, or passed on by friends or family. Maybe something you already use in one part of your home would work brilliantly in your office. Frame some kids drawings, find some plants to brighten your space, get creative yourself.

Be on the lookout for beauty.

And you might find it makes a surprising difference to your wellbeing and your leadership.

How about you?

Where do you find beauty in your life – and is it something you value? Have you ever looked down on creating beautiful spaces as being “frivolous” or “a waste of money” – or are you already conscious of the impact your external environment has on you?

I’d really love to know your thoughts on this – be sure to leave a comment and let me know!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Guest post: The power of your Wild Voice™ – and how to find it

May 14, 2021 By Kate Wolf

About
Latest Posts

Kate Wolf

Highly sensitive. Wildly creative. Surprisingly practical.
Kate Wolf is the founder of Spirited Business Ltd, creator of the Wild Voices ™ process, and two flagship programs, StorySchool and Mesmerise. She leads a community of highly sensitive, deeply caring, wise & loving rebels who are tired of bowing at the altar of What Other People Think. She supports them to find their own wild way to build businesses that both fill up their bank accounts, and feel deeply fulfilling. So they can shine brighter, love louder and stand taller - together.

We’re worried about what they will think…

As a transformational coach and communications consultant, I regularly hear my clients say ‘I’m worried about being seen as weird, or ridiculous. Or naive or unrealistic. I’m worried they won’t get it’.

But let’s pause for a minute. After all, who is this elusive ‘they’?

Are they the person you *really* want to connect with? Or are they someone who thinks it’s OK to criticize others and shoot down creativity and inspiration when they see it?

If that’s the case – then why should their opinion impact your level of self-expression?

As long as we squash ourselves to fit in with the – mostly imaginary – fear of what ‘they’ will think – editing ourselves, hiding our true magic and wonderful uniqueness – the people who will love us just as we are, can’t hear us.

Whether it’s your ideal client, ideal partner or ideal friends, when we hide who we truly are, the connections we make cannot fulfil us.

How to show up (when you know you’ve been hiding)

If you are struggling in any way right now, try saying something true.

Start with admitting it to yourself.

After a decade of walking a two-fold path – spiritual teacher and energy healer by day, theatre director and performer by night, I realised that the most healing thing we can do is express ourselves. And most free-ing. And most fun.

Start with yourself. Take a piece of paper and write: ‘This is my Wild Voice and this is what I want to say…’

Let yourself write freely, unedited. Let the words come from deep within. And then read what you have dared to write. You might be surprised by your own clarity and wisdom.

What your wild voice can teach you

My client Morag who is now training with me to become a Wild Voice ™ Facilitator shared that this work has helped her ditch the requirement for ‘perfection and right’ in favour of ‘intention and quality’. That the first time I guided her through the process she thought ‘what is this? This is strange,’ and yet very quickly found herself thinking ‘can we do it again?’

Morag’s empowering realisation – that is available for you, too – was that her Wild Voice had been there all the time, just waiting for her to listen.

There is a part of us that was never tamed, never conditioned. That knows exactly what you want and need and who you are and what you’re here for. It is wise and deep and may seem weird or strange to those who are stuck in their own prisons of judgement. But it holds the key to your freedom and your joy.

Oodles more joy for a bit of judgement? I’ll take that deal any day. Because the truth is – it is a choice we make.

Do you choose to suppress who you really are to keep the favour of those who don’t even know the real you?

Or do you choose to show up and shine and let yourself have the kind of real connections that can ONLY come when we are being real?

When I saw that comment from the stranger on Facebook, I got back in bed. With my phone with the offending message on it still in my hand, raised stiff above my head, not welcome in the safe space underneath my duvet. And I had a conversation with myself.

There was one voice saying:

‘See? See it’s not safe to show up and shine. You need to quit this self-employment thing and go and get a job where you can fit in, toe the line, follow the rules. Get down’.

And there was another voice, much quieter, that said:

‘This is exactly why you need to keep going. Because we’re taught to compete and judge and tear each other down, not see another woman trying to fly and go over and lend her our wings and cheer when she wins. And you’re going to play a part in changing that. Get up’.

I got up. I kept going. And I’m so glad and grateful that I did. This blog post, like all my work, is a clarion call to unique and individual expression. To consistently unravelling the layers of who you are not so you can reveal the truth and magic of who you are.

Because from that place, what you put out in the world can only be good.

From that place, there is no such thing as competition.

From that place, there is room and freedom for us all to be exactly who we are, to be playing our unique part to play at this time on our planet.

Your Wild Voice will lead you to that part to play, if you’ll listen. If you’ll let her speak.

Meet Kate

Highly sensitive. Wildly creative. Surprisingly practical.

Kate Wolf is the founder of Spirited Business Ltd, creator of the Wild Voices ™ process, and two flagship programs, StorySchool and Mesmerise. She leads a community of highly sensitive, deeply caring, wise & loving rebels who are tired of bowing at the altar of What Other People Think. She supports them to find their own wild way to build businesses that both fill up their bank accounts, and feel deeply fulfilling. So they can shine brighter, love louder and stand taller – together.

If you do deep work that is hard to explain, Kate will guide you to find joy and courage in your unique self-expression that speaks straight to the heart of your real ideal client. Join Kate’s free community here: https://www.katewolf.global/community and receive your guide to moving through the fear of showing up and shining here: https://www.katewolf.global/move-through-fear/

Dissecting leadership: Jacinda Ardern’s leadership style

April 29, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

Today I want to share my thoughts on Jacinda Ardern’s leadership style – and why I see her as such a role model for women who want to create change.

First, let’s think about why there are so few women who display Ardern’s leadership style. When you look at the timeline of human history you observe that it’s only relatively recently that women were allowed access to the spheres of education, commerce and politics. It’s no surprise therefore that our role models for leadership were moulded to distinctly ‘masculine’ characteristics – competition, assertiveness, achievement.

In order to succeed as leaders women have tended to adopt these masculine traits. The successful female leaders we recall – the ones who ‘get stuff done’ – are often the ones with a singular focus, a desire to win, the ones who want to be seen as high achievers. The Superwomen.

Comic female superheroes exude the same masculine energy as their male counterparts. They fight, they are physically strong, they succeed by dominating. They are also drawn with the physical traits of the other female stereotype we associate with power and influence, the woman who uses sex as power.

However, more recently we have seen the emergence of a third example of female power. One that draws on more feminine characteristics – modesty, compassion, empathy – what I call Soft Power and exemplified by the New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.

Finding the right energy

Before we look at the characteristics of Soft Power, I want to be clear that this is not an argument about what type of energy – masculine or feminine – is best for leadership. That is a question for the individual, only you can decide what energy you need to power your leadership, and when. There will be times when you need masculine energy to power through a particular challenge, and there will be times when Soft Power is more appropriate.

I founded One of many® to empower, support and encourage women to step into leadership. And to advocate for a greater understanding and appreciation of Soft Power, because I believe – and the evidence on burnout and stress bear this out – that we are currently missing out on a rich talent pool because the masculine role model of leadership burns a lot of people – particularly women – out.

The 5 C’s of Soft Power

The hallmarks of Soft Power are collaboration and collectivism. Facilitating collaboration requires a leader to be courageous, connected, compassionate, clear and creative.

● A courageous leader leads by example. Dedicated, involved, quick to act, they lead through championing their cause & participation.

● A connected leader looks after their own wellbeing and that of others, they lead through invitation & appreciation.

● A compassionate leader is patient and kind, always looking to bring out the best in others, they lead through love & encouragement.

● A clear leader is comfortable and certain of themselves. With a clear vision of what they want for their colleagues and customers, for their family and friends, they lead through vision & inspiration.

● A creative leader is innovative, curious, able to facilitate transformation, they lead through faith & wisdom.

The 5 C’s of Jacinda Ardern’s Leadership

Courage

It takes a certain degree of courage to lock down your country and close its borders. But it is a different type of courage to announce a national lockdown and then go on Facebook Live – fresh from (and still dressed for) bathing your toddler and putting them to bed – to answer questions about the new restrictions.

In that one Facebook Live from her home Ardern did two things. She showed that she was as involved and as affected as everyone else, explaining that she wanted to “check in with everyone as we prepare to hunker down for a few weeks”. Secondly she showed that she was as dedicated to the New Zealand people as she was to her young daughter.

Connected

There’s no surprise that Ardern is as loved as she is by so many. She brings her whole life force energy to everything she does. Fully embodied and fully present, she is connected to herself. Ardern’s leadership feels personal – as though we’re really getting to know her. But more than that, she is interconnected.

I have noted how she uses language to connect others. Approaching the end of lockdown in May 2020, she thanked her “team of five million” for the sacrifices they had made to protect the most vulnerable.

In her election acceptance speech last October, she used ‘We’ 30 times and ‘I’ only six times. Three times to thank people and the other three times to say ‘hope, believe and promise’. There’s no ‘I’ in Ardern’s team, she is a leader that leads from collaboration and connection, not individualism.

Compassion

I remember that feeling of revulsion, grief and huge sympathy when news of the New Zealand mosque shootings first broke. But showing that sympathy, wearing a hijab, and then addressing your Parliament with an Arabic greeting, all while under the lens of a western media arguably tinged with Islamaphobic sentiment, was an incredible demonstration of compassion. Ardern’s leadership exemplifies this compassion-led approach.

‘Be Strong, Be Kind’ is more than an election slogan for Ardern, it’s a way of being. When she hugged first responders after the volcano eruption on White Island killed 21 people, no one suggested it was just for the cameras. Similarly when she announced she would take a 20 per cent pay cut to her salary in recognition of the financial impact the pandemic was having on people’s incomes, no one said it was a publicity stunt. Her concern for the wellbeing of others is obvious and it is earning her widespread appreciation at home and abroad.

Clarity

Prime Minister Ardern has been clear and consistent in her COVID-19 strategy, “go hard and go early”. Border closures and a system of alert levels and associated restrictions were introduced within three weeks of New Zealand’s first COVID case being identified. Just over two months after the Country entered full lockdown, all restrictions were eased and by June 2020 sports fans were back in stadiums.

Throughout, Ardern has not tried to sugar-coat how challenging and difficult the response would be, but when asked early on in the pandemic if she was scared, she replied “No, because we have a plan”. Her resolute clarity was one reason why voters re-elected her by a landslide in last year’s General Election, and gave New Zealand it’s first majority Government in over 25 years.

Creative

Creativity in leaders can be misunderstood. People can think it means endless new ideas and initiatives, when really it’s the ability to facilitate change by questioning, listening and responding. Ardern wasn’t the only international leader who didn’t know how to handle a global pandemic. But unlike some of her peers she didn’t attempt to play down the threat, instead she quickly sought the advice of epidemiologists and then acted on it decisively.
Where other leaders might have focused on the specifics of the attack, Ardern’s response to the mosque shootings was to frame the attack not as an attack on muslims, but as an attack on everyone in New Zealand – (the victims) “are us” and the “perpetrator is not” she said; vowed never to say his name and then legislated to ban assault and military-style weapons.

A powerful example of the strength of Soft Power

As well as admiring her as a role model for Soft Power, I also connect with Ardern’s purpose. I founded One of many® because I want my children to grow up into a better world, and I believe greater diversity in leadership will help unlock that. Ardern says she got into politics because of children and wants to transform her country for the wellbeing of children and young people.

In her first term as Prime Minister she committed to halving child poverty in New Zealand by 2028. Conscious that our degrading environment will have huge consequences for future generations she announced a ban on single-use plastic bags throughout the country. During the early days of the pandemic she held a press conference just for children, saying they needed extra help understanding the pandemic, and followed it up days later announcing that Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were essential workers and were exempt from lockdown.

Jacinda Ardern’s leadership style is a powerful example of the strength of Soft Power.

As she told The New York Times in 2018: “One of the criticisms I’ve faced over the years is that I’m not aggressive enough or assertive enough or maybe somehow, because I’m empathetic, it means I’m weak. I totally rebel against that. I refuse to believe that you cannot be both compassionate and strong”.

I agree.

Here’s to fierce compassion.

Who’s your leadership role model?

Let us know in the comments!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to develop your intuition

February 25, 2021 By Joanna Martin Leave a Comment

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

How much do you trust yourself? Everyone has intuitive potential – but for some of us, it can feel as though our intuition is frustratingly out of reach. Don’t worry. There are some simple tools that have helped women in our community learn how to develop their intuition, and with regular practice I think you’ll find them really helpful too. So if you’re curious about how to develop your intuition, read on.

What do we mean by intuition?

Before we consider how to develop your intuition, it’s helpful to get clear on what we actually mean by the term. You may know that I’m a bit of an etymology geek — and I think the history of this word is especially useful.

You see, many of us assume intuition is something a little bit esoteric, or somehow spiritual. There’s a ‘mystic’ sense to the world that can be a turn-off if you’re more of a science-minded woman. And indeed, part of the word’s history is the Late Middle English, ‘denoting spiritual insight or immediate spiritual communication’.

But the other root of this word is the Latin ‘intueri’ — to consider, or look into.

So another way to think about your intuition is simply the insight or consideration you can bring to a challenge or problem.

Something that might help you begin to embrace it as a tool you can use in your day to day life — whatever your beliefs.

Knowing beyond logic

In Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking Malcolm Gladwell examines research around decision-making. He looks at fascinating cases where split-second judgments: from firemen dealing with a chaotic and dangerous situation, to art dealers ‘sensing’ a flawlessly executed fake, turned out to be as accurate as carefully pondered judgments.

He concludes that those experts who have truly mastered their subject are able to make incredibly accurate decisions at lightning speed. But it’s not magic. They absorb the different facets of a situation so quickly, that they can ‘feel’ what needs to happen before their rational brain has time to assimilate the evidence.

What we might, in fact, call intuition.

“…If we are to learn to improve the quality of the decisions we make, we need to accept the mysterious nature of our snap judgements. We need to respect the fact that it is possible to know without knowing why we know and accept that — sometimes — we’re better off that way.” — Malcolm Gladwell

Intuition and the Sorceress

At One of many we use the 5 Women’s PowerTypes as models of leadership that can help us resource ourselves in any situation. The PowerType who leads us in this realm of instinct beyond logic is The Sorceress. She’s the part of you that instinctively understands what needs to be done, even if you can’t quite explain how. Her instincts guide her when it comes to decision making. And she has complete faith in her ability to ‘sense’ a situation or relationship, and know the truth that lies beneath it.

This is one of the most powerful aspects of leadership you can cultivate.

So how can you turn this to your advantage? How can you develop your intuition into a powerful tool for life?

Here’s how to develop your intuition

1. Clear your mind

If you’re anything like me you probably have lots of thoughts running through your mind at any given moment. All of this “noise” makes it difficult to hear your intuitive voice. Let them go. Picture your thoughts floating away on a cloud. Try meditation, or a practice like yoga or mindfulness which allows you to focus your mind on one activity, and let the other distractions float away.

2. Imagery

Here’s an exercise that can help you if you’re pondering a specific challenge:

Imagine yourself in a quiet place in nature, surrounded by beauty and wonder. Make this image as vivid as possible by using all of your senses. Then, imagine a treasure chest nearby. You feel excited as you approach the chest because you know that the answer to your question is inside. Take a deep breath and imagine yourself opening the treasure chest.

Now, if you struggle with this whole ‘imagine’ thing, know this. When I close my eyes and visualize, it’s black. I don’t see anything. But I pretend I can. And it still works!

I’ve changed my entire life by pretending I can visualize.

(Not to mention pretending I don’t feel dumb when I move my body… When actually it’s quite ridiculous on some level! And pretending it’s OK for me to smother a pillow in snot from crying… When really I’m a grown woman, come on!!)

Turns out pretending can be life changing if you give it a chance…

3. Dream

Take some time before you fall asleep to ask for an answer to come to you through your dreams. Your answers may come symbolically and may need some interpretation.
Look for the emotions and themes of your dreams, and see if this sheds light on your problem.

4. Affirmations

Here are just a few examples of affirmations to increase your intuitive abilities:

I trust my intuition.
My intuitive voice is consistently accurate.
I access my intuition easily.

Can you think of others? Find one that works for you, and try popping it on a post-it somewhere you can see it, or repeating it to yourself while you’re brushing your teeth.

5. Practice

The more you use and trust your intuition, the stronger it will get and the more confident you will feel about it. The whispers from your soul will always guide you to the path that is for your highest good.
Enjoy developing this incredible gift you have. And don’t forget to let us know how you get on!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

5 easy habits to create positive change

January 21, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

A while I was speaking to a friend who was feeling a little bit blue. She’d spent the previous weekend at a personal development seminar, and left feeling upbeat about how to create positive change and the road ahead for her business.

But over the next few days she had felt that positivity drain out of her, one good intention at a time.

Can you relate? Have you ever found yourself momentarily boosted – by an inspiring quote on social media, an uplifting encounter with a friend, or a training that brought huge realisations. And then felt that hope gradually drain away, as the reality of the to-do list and the demands of everyone else around you seeped back in?

How can we create positive change in the face of all our challenges?

It got me thinking about positivity, and how important it is to maintain a positive attitude, especially at the beginning of a new journey. Whenever I welcome a new member to one of our trainings or programs, I know she’s probably feeling a mixture of excitement, and also nervousness. That “What have I let myself in for?!” feeling. I’m sure you know it well!

It’s only natural that learning how to create positive change can feel tough at first. Let’s face it, it’s often discomfort with where we are that inspires us to do things differently. If everything was rosy… you probably wouldn’t be starting out on that journey of change in the first place.

As things progress you will start to see evidence of positive progress. But at the beginning, all you have is hope.

For those very first steps, you have nothing but faith in yourself and your ideas. And those around you can be understandably wary of change. They won’t mean to undermine you, but they may well feel nervous about you choosing to do things differently.

So how do you keep positive? How do you create positive conditions so that positive change can flow?

According to psychologist Shawn Achor, when your brain is happy, it “performs significantly better than it does at negative, neutral, or stressed. Your intelligence rises, your creativity rises, [and] your energy levels rise”.

In other words, learning how to cultivate a positive mindset doesn’t only make your day to day experience of life more pleasant. It can have an impact that allows even more positive experiences to flow your way – a “virtuous circle” if you like.

So here are some simple ideas to help you create positive change:

#1 Get grateful

At One of many we’re big fans of a simple practice called “thinking and thanking”. In a nutshell, at the end of each day, you scan back over the events of the past 24 hours and notice all the positive things that have happened. The synchronicities, moments of happiness, good fortune. It could be something huge, or it could be really small.

The sun came out while I was drinking my tea. The car passed its MOT. I didn’t blow my top when my kid pushed all my buttons.

Say thank you, and ask for more. Pretty soon your brain will start scanning for the positive in your life rather than the negative.

#2 Tell your story

This is a really powerful practice when you’re feeling low, and aren’t sure how you’re going to overcome the challenges you’re facing. Write down a positive experience from the past. Describe what happened and how it made you feel. Try to be as detailed as possible.

Reliving a time when you experienced how to create positive change will allow your brain to experience it twice, and remind you of what it feels like to achieve something wonderful.

#3 Meditate

Many of us are so busy spinning on the roundabout of our daily lives that the chance to step off is invaluable. As women we pride ourselves on our ability to multi-task. And when you’re on the path to create positive change, it can be tempting to push yourself even harder. But a few minutes of meditation every day will give you the chance to pause, reflect and focus on the task at hand.

Maybe, like me, you find the “sitting still and focusing on your thoughts” kind of meditating challenging. If that’s the case, try and find a way to connect to the present that works for you. Maybe it’s dancing to a playlist of your favourite songs. Taking 10 minutes to drink a cuppa in the garden and listen to the birdsong. In Living the Change, Annie Stoker leads a “Dynamic Meditation” sessions which are incredibly popular. Find something that works for you, and make it a habit.

#4 The Sunshine mail

Each day when you open your inbox, send a positive message to someone. You could be thanking them for something they did, or showing your support for their journey, or congratulating them for something they achieved. It could be a quick text, an email or a supportive comment on social media. What a beautiful way to feel part of a collective journey, and to make others’ lives that bit brighter.

#5 Emotional hygiene

This might be an unexpected addition to a “positive thinking” list. But if you’re serious about change, it’s important to remember that you’ll experience ups and downs along the way. That means finding out how to handle your “negative” emotions too – the rage, grief, sadness, and anything else you might encounter.

How can you safely acknowledge and express your emotions, without allowing them to take over? There are plenty of resources to help you in the Living the Change program. Or try talking to a coach, or using simple journalling exercise like this one.

Hope thrives with simple habits

Positive change cannot come from outside. But it can come from short, simple exercises that, done regularly, will rewire your brain to work more optimistically and more successfully.

How do you stay positive? Have you tried any of these? Let us know how they work for you. And if you’d like to discover more tools and resources to help you navigate life’s challenges and have the impact you’re truly capable of, check out Living the Change: our online coaching program to help you create the life you want.

Click here for full details and to join our community.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it)

January 15, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

Right now many of us are isolating ourselves from connection with others more than we ever have before. And I am more present than ever to the effect that’s having on all of us. Because the fact is, we need community.

We overlook the importance of connection at our peril – as I’m going to share with you today.

I know I’m not alone in really, really missing my nearest and dearest. Lately, I’ve found myself looking back over photos of retreats and events. Where we used to come together in a room and dance together and hug each other without even thinking about it twice. We would go to concerts. We would go to bars. We didn’t care how many other people were in a small enclosed space with us.

For many of us, those times feel very, very far away.

The problem with isolation

The isolation and loneliness we’re facing are compounded by the additional stress we’re all under.

Maybe you’ve had a bad night’s sleep, got a looming work deadline, or your kids are being particularly challenging.

Maybe you’re grieving. Or sick.

Many of us are having to navigate redundancies or put people on furlough, or work out whether we should or shouldn’t open for business. All the sorts of things we’re facing at the moment are causing us to be way more stressed than usual.

And yet, for some reason, the more stressed we get, the more we isolate.

I have seen it again and again in our community.

Could our “Superwoman” streak be stopping us from connecting?

Many of us have an unconscious belief that if things get stressful, we have to draw away. We think we can only be in the world when we are positive, or when we’ve all got it all figured out.

Many of us grew up being taught to share happy things and hide sad things. And if that’s what you grew up with, then at a time when stress is magnified, we are tending to isolate even more.

So let’s talk about why we need community and why connection is so critically important.

Here are 6 reasons why connection is critical to all of us.

#1 We need to belong

As the wonderful Brené Brown puts it, we are “hardwired for love and belonging”. It’s in our very DNA, the fabric of our being to love, to be loved and to feel like we belong somewhere.

#2 We need support and belief

I often work with women entrepreneurs, in my one-on-one consultancy. And there’s often this sense of imposter syndrome. We think “I really should believe in myself more”. To a certain extent that’s true, but there is a big part of self-belief that actually comes from others.

I tend to surround myself with people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. And that works beautifully for me. I am surrounded by a team of incredible men and women who believe in me more than I believe in me. They create a leadership space for me to lead them in. And I keep stepping into that.

Having people around us who believe in us is so important, so that when we hit something that’s hard to navigate, whether it be a work thing, a family thing, a relationship thing, we’ve got someone to tell us “I know you’re having a tough time, but I believe in you. I really believe in you. I know you can do this. Let’s see if we can come up with some ideas together.” Sometimes that support looks like troubleshooting and problem solving together. And sometimes that support looks like just being there.

#3 We need collective wisdom

When it comes to solving a problem, a group does better than any individual out there. We can get to a point beyond where any one person could go on their own. And that’s connected to the fourth reason, which is:

#4 We need to push our own limits

We will all stop ourselves at some point. Oftentimes others give us that gentle push that has us grow and expand into an area that we might not have otherwise gone into. We need community for that. It’s something we can’t do for ourselves.

#5 We need accountability

We need other people to declare our intentions to. They can remind us of what we’ve decided and help us stick to our plans, whatever plans they may be.

#6 We need others’ energy

I confess: This is something I don’t quite know how to describe. I know that for myself, some of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve had happen, not in one-on-one coaching sessions, but where I’m part of a collective coming together as a group. It can happen virtually. I’ve seen it in the group who have gathered for the Activate Challenge this week. There’s a motivation in there. We can share energy when we come together in community, and it’s powerful stuff.

Is it time you got connected?

My challenge for you today is to reach out and get connected to somebody.

If you have a good friend you’ve not connected with for a while, reach out, have an evening with them on zoom and talk it through. Send a care package. Send a postcard. Connect!
If you’re friends with someone on social media, why not ask them if they’d like to have a virtual coffee together?
And if you don’t even know where to start with community, please start by joining one of our online groups because they are full of exquisite and extraordinary women who know how to be a fierce, committed stand. They know how to be supportive and gentle and nourishing when they need to, they know how to love and they know how to accept love. That is one of the things that makes our community so deeply rich and profound.

And if you’d like to experience what it’s like to gather virtually with hundreds of women – and discover how to reconnect to your joy and optimism for the future – join us for the Activate Your Vision workshop, happening tomorrow. It would be an absolute pleasure to have you there, as part of our global community of women.

Click here to register for your free place at the training.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Guest blog: How to stay sane during the holidays

December 17, 2020 By Oona Alexander

About
Latest Posts

Oona Alexander

Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

Latest posts by Oona Alexander (see all)

Guest blog: How to stay sane during the holidays - December 17, 2020
Guest blog: What to do when they won’t listen to you - May 2, 2019

If you have children in your life I’m sure they will have made you aware that holidays are here and an exciting time of year is approaching! You’re probably very busy with to-do lists, preparations and plans for a pandemic-proof end of year celebration with your family. Today I want to explore some simple, practical ways to stay sane during the holidays.

And even if you won’t be spending time with kids this year, I hope you’ll find these tips helpful when it comes to your own experience of the holidays. After all, I’m guessing you’re exhausted after this year of unpredictability, maybe processing grief, too. And perhaps feeling disappointed about the restrictions on this year’s festivities. A little planning can go a long way.

So, what will help you stay sane during the holidays?

I believe the key words here are kindness and connection.

Please start with kindness to yourself. This is not the year to enforce extra high standards or go the extra mile.

Find compassion for yourself, recognising all you have done, while navigating unchartered waters.
Prioritise some self-care, even if it’s just a sweetly scented bath with candles.
And promise me you won’t forget to eat lunch because you’re focussed on the Christmas biscuits!

Your needs come first. Kindness towards yourself will help you be present and connect with your children – and your presence and connectedness are the most precious gifts you can give them.

To help you bring in more connectedness and have a happy and harmonious time with the kids, here are seven tips.

7 way to stay sane during the holidays

1. Involve your children in the planning.

Children love it when we listen to their ideas and let them contribute to the family plans. This really helps them to connect with everything that’s happening and brings enthusiasm and a sense of ownership into events. You can do this using a three part conversation:

First, ask what’s important for them about the holidays and your family celebrations this year. What would they like to do? Use this step as an opportunity to be curious and learn more about what your children’s priorities are. Then appreciate all their ideas, however wacky, and show you’ve heard them by writing them down.
Secondly, bring the elements that are important to you about the holidays, for example, a daily walk or screen time limits. Make this bit as as concise as possible. At all costs avoid asking for nice behaviour or any hint of lecturing (which doesn’t work – and actually undermines your authority.)
Finally bring your ideas together in a plan for the days and weeks ahead. Assign tasks.

2. Create a flexible structure to your day.

This can be as simple as having an activity in the morning like baking/crafts/walk and games/screen time in the afternoon.

A rhythm to your day helps to create predictability, which supports children to orientate, settle back into holiday mode and connect with events.

3. Include a physical activity every single day.

Giving children (and let’s face it, adults too) the opportunity to connect with their bodies each day acts like a magic mood lifter! Ideally, there’s the daily walk or bike ride, with the additional benefit of fresh air.

But, if you can’t go out, at least clear the furniture and get everyone moving by having a family disco, organising a pillow fight or giving them a fun sensory experience like being rolled along the floor in a duvet.

4. Keep your children informed.

Let your children know what’s coming up the next day. This helps them prepare and makes it easier for them to interrupt their activities, when the time comes to get into the car or say hello to grandpa.

5. Free range activities.

It can be so much fun to involve children in craft or baking activities at this time of year. The key here is not to be invested in specific results. It’s best to avoid saying things like: “No, not like that!” or “Try and make it a bit neater!”

Keep reminding yourself that, for your children, it’s the activity that’s important and the opportunity to connect with you and the process. This is what brings the sense of fun and enjoyment, not the way it looks afterwards. You can start simply by saying, “Let’s have fun with the biscuit dough.”

6. Allow feelings.

The festive season is exciting for every child and feelings can run high, with dramatic peaks and troughs. Inevitably there will be disappointments. There always are. And my best advice is to allow your child to feel these difficult feelings. This way, they pass over more quickly.

Here’s how it works: If a child says something like, “He got a bigger present than me!” we’re often tempted to try to talk them out of their feelings by offering a logical counter-argument, such as: “It’s not about the size.” But what actually helps much more is to make space for them to actually feel their feelings, by empathising. In this case you might say,

“It sounds like it’s really important to you that you get the same-sized present as your brother.”

7. Permission to create one-to-one time.

Holidays are a fabulous opportunity for the whole family to be together. But, be aware that when you’re all together, your individual children often don’t get their connection needs met. You’ll know this is happening, because your child’s behaviour will deteriorate.

So, plan in a “mummy morning” or a “daddy afternoon”. You can also do this spontaneously, if your child is getting disruptive: Invite them to have some mummy time in another room to top up their love levels. Play a game or do aeroplanes together.

When children’s connection needs are met like this, they are more likely to be able to go with the flow when they return to the bigger group.

I hope this blog has inspired you with some fresh ideas for a fun, connected holiday with your children. I encourage you to write down two or three that you would like to include in your plans. Consider how you will implement them. Who do you need to talk to?

Finally, I wish you the happiest holiday to round off this year of years, and much joy in the New Year.

To find out more about my radically loving approach and how to put empathy into practice, click here to download my free guide Solve the Struggle with your Kids.

It shares 6 Wise Parenting Powers to help you raise a secure and happy family.

About Oona

Radical love advocate | Nature freak | Perfectly imperfect mum

Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

How to make peace with anything

November 25, 2020 By Annie Stoker

About
Latest Posts

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Coaching and the things we can’t change

A while back, while having a BIG clear out of a whole heap of old things, I came across a memory from decades ago.

A set of beautiful, colourful baby clothes I’d bought while travelling in Peru. At the time, I was desperate to have children. I imagined the kind of mother I’d be, the lives they’d have, the adventures we’d go on together.

But it wasn’t meant to be.

For a while, coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to do this thing I wanted more than anything was incredibly painful.

But this time, when I came across those tiny outfits, I felt nothing but peace with the way things have unfolded. In fact, they now bring a smile to my face. The pangs of longing are gone. The heartache is over. I’m even happy that I don’t have kids now! I have enough on my plate just looking after me so that I can look after everyone else.

I’m loving the stability, serenity and settledness of post menopause life. And that I get to support many people, not just a couple of small ones! I get to do what I love most… like supporting women to becoming incredible coaches for the women around them. Sharing these tools that have made such a difference in my life.

And helping others find peace with the life experiences they once thought they would never overcome.

What if you can’t “get over it”?

If you’re reading this and thinking that this all sounds well and good, but there’s no way YOU could get over the particular heartbreak you’re facing, then let me give you the brutal truth.

Whatever happens in life, you have two options:

Accept it… or change it.

If you can’t accept what’s happened, you have to change it.

And if you can’t change it?

You have no choice but to accept it, one way or the other.

When we can’t accept the things we can’t change, that’s when all kinds of problems show up. We can turn to crutches like drink, drugs, work, codependent relationships… anything to avoid coming to terms with what’s happened. This is nothing to be ashamed of – it’s far more common than you might think.

Many of us have been squashing down this realization for years. Decades. Maybe even most of our lives.

To understand how you can finally move forward, you need to look at why that is.

What stops us from accepting things?

At the root of the things we can’t accept tend to be feelings we haven’t allowed ourself to fully express. Many of us are terrified of the emotions we’re avoiding.

So if you want to know how to make peace with anything, that’s often a good place to start.

Think about something you find it hard to let go of.

On a scale of one to ten, how strongly do you feel emotionally about it?

If there’s ANY emotion there, it’s a sign there is some work to do.

What kind of work?

Well, all kinds of things. As Women’s Coaches we have a whole range of tools to help women move through emotions they’re feeling. Some things to try might be:

Journalling, so you can really be honest about your thoughts and feelings
Meditations to help you release unhelpful limitations or emotions
Dynamic meditations, which allow you to move feelings through your body
Embodiment work, such as dance, movement or massage
Getting clear on your needs
Learning how to ask for things
Setting boundaries with those around you
Understanding the role of the different Women’s PowerTypes in your life

… and many, many more.

There are so many tools that help us move through things.

A good coach can help you identify the ones which are right for you. And the impact can transform your life.

When you find peace, the future opens up

The only reason we find ourselves unable to make peace with things is because of the stories we’re holding on to. That keep us stuck to our past experiences, and attached to the meanings we decide they have.

When we’re able to unravel those stories and release them of their power, we find ourselves in a place of new potential. It’s as though, instead of looking at everything through the murky filter of our unexpressed emotions, we’re finally able to look through clear lenses at what’s right in front of us.

Clients I’ve coached in the past have experienced the pain of divorce, of losing their homes, bankruptcy, bereavement, and unimaginable trauma and loss.

With the right support, I don’t think there’s anything we can’t make peace with (with the exception of clinical diagnoses which need support beyond a coach’s expertise).

Start by reminding yourself of that simple fact: You can accept what’s happened, or you can change it.

What are you going to accept, starting today?

Do you want to know how to make peace with anything?

If you’re curious about these simple, powerful ways to move through emotion and find freedom from what’s past, there’s a free workshop coming up which you might be interested in.

It’s called Essential Skills for Coaching Women, and in it Jo Martin will be introducing One of many’s unique coaching toolkit – designed by women, for women. You’ll discover some practical tools you can use straight away to support the women in your life to move past even the toughest challenges.

If you’d love to know how to share this work with others, and allow them to move forward with their lives, you’d be so welcome. Just click the link below to register for your place:

https://oneofmany.co.uk/essential-skills-for-coaching/

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

2 needs that define 2020

October 9, 2020 By Susie Heath

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Susie Heath

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Need #1: Certainty

We can define this need as “The ability to feel certain in advance as to what is likely to happen now and in the future.” Hmm… not exactly a defining feature of recent months!

With certainty comes a level of confidence as we learn how life works, are able to express ourselves more easily in the world, and are able to achieve our desires.

If certainty is one of your top needs then safety and security are very important to you. So people whose top priority is certainty will do everything in their power to ensure that very little changes.

For example, they may…

Work to a budget
Stay in the same job even if they hate it
Go on holiday to the same place each year
Repeat the same habits day in day out,
Keep the house the same way (either immaculately tidy or in organised chaos)
Choose the same haircut,
Wear the same style of clothes
Hate surprises,
Get thrown if their routine is disrupted
Seldom step out of their comfort zone.

Are you someone who values certainty above all else?

Or do you know someone in your life who does?

How has 2020 impacted you or your partner when it comes to your need to feel certain? Perhaps periods of strict regulation and even lockdown have felt strangely reassuring, as you repeat the same routines every day – but constantly moving plans around, and ever-changing guidance has really derailed your sense of stability.

How to bring greater certainty into your life

If this describes your partner, then rather than be judgmental about them, think of this as a road map which helps you to understand why they operate in this way. The more you can give them reassurance, the happier and more relaxed they will be. Without it, all their fears come up to the surface.

If you’re the one who values certainty, consider ways you can bring more stability into your life. What small practices could you introduce to bring a feeling of control and steadiness into your world, despite the wider uncertainty? Share your ideas in the comments.

For some of us however, the downside of too much certainty is that we start to become bored, uncomfortable and stuck, because we need the opposite of certainty to provide stimulation to help us grow. Which leads us to the second

Need #2: Uncertainty or Variety.

This is where taking risks comes in, where we dare to challenge the status quo. We actively create more excitement and variety which make life worthwhile, where we open ourselves to new experiences to bring out new qualities in ourselves.

When faced with a challenge, most people run back to the area they are most comfortable in. But a combination of certainty and uncertainty generates growth as we search for answers in as yet unknown territory. This is where we explore who we have the possibility of becoming.

People who love uncertainty and variety are the risk-takers. These tend to be the entrepreneurs, the creative people, artists in different genres.

They may…

Play the stock market
Challenge the elements with sailing, skiing and diving
Change their jobs frequently
Be willing to step right out of their comfort zone
Hate routine
Argue just for the sake of it to see what will happen,
Love surprises
Go away on holiday on a whim without planning, who are spontaneous.
Be untidy and then enjoy blitzing the place and making it look fantastic
Move furniture around in the house to break with conformity.

When they have conquered a challenge, they become certain about it – so they have to stretch their boundaries even more to explore further. This is where extreme sports and outrageous behaviours can come in.

The downside of uncertainty and variety is the inability to be happy with where one is. These people may find “settling down” and commitment somewhat of a challenge unless lots of variety is built in.

Who do you know who is like this?

Is uncertainty or variety a top need for you?

How have the challenges of this year impacted your need for change? Perhaps you’ve found the need to pivot and adapt energising, even exciting – but struggled with a lack of freedom, travel restrictions, or the need to obey rules.

If this is your partner what can you do to help fulfil their need for variety? It doesn’t have to be extreme – you will be surprised what you can do to satisfy this need.

If it’s you, how can you introduce novelty and difference to your life? Perhaps there’s a new form of creativity to explore, a different way to exercise, or a new area near your home you can get to know. Learning new skills or researching a topic can also help you find that edge of learning and growth.

Your needs and your relationships

Most couples inevitably experience conflict and misunderstanding in their intimate relationships. But once you understand your partner’s core needs, you will be able to go some way towards fulfilling them.

And once you understand your own needs, you’re far more able to ask for them to be met with the help of your partner. In turn this will lead to a more conscious and enlightened relationship.

When you realise the importance of this, it also helps you to make a more conscious choice when selecting a partner, and also to realise why a previous relationship may not have been fulfilling.

How about you?

Does looking at your recent experience through this lens help you understand some of the challenges you’ve been facing? How could you support your loved ones, and ask them to support you, when it comes to balancing uncertainty and change?

We’d love to know what you think. Share your experience in the comments – and forward this article to anyone you think might find it helpful.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

How to deal with negative people

October 1, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

Who’s that person in your life… The one who makes your heart sink when you see their name pop up on your phone – or whose response to your latest idea or project is bound to deflate you? Negative people can be really challenging to handle – so today I want to share 5 quick ways to reframe a relationship that’s bringing you down.

Let’s start with something that you need to get out of the way first.

Every now and again I hear a different version of the same advice I’ve heard a lot over the years. ‘Cut out negative people!’ ‘Don’t allow negative people to colour your life!’ ‘Surround yourself with positive people only!’.

This is all good advice. If we eliminate negative influences chances are that the life we want will unfold in a more positive direction.

But what if you can’t just ‘cut them out’?

What if you have a negative boss but you like your job? What if it’s your neighbour, but you don’t want to move house? What if it’s your mother, and you’re definitely not at a point where you want to be completely estranged?

Yes, we need to create space for positive change but sometimes we have to do that by shifting our own mindset.

And if our only way to handle challenging people is to avoid them completely, we’re cutting ourselves off from interactions that might really have something to teach us.

This a great chance for us to practice compassion, patience and unconditional love!

Here are five ways to get started.

1. Use the Women’s PowerTypes to connect more effectively

If you haven’t come across the Women’s PowerTypes before, you can read more about them here. Often, a quick check in with how you’re showing up in a relationship can help you see what needs to be shifted.

Perhaps you’re taking on a “Mothering” role for a friend, when actually stepping into Queen would help you set boundaries that would empower both of you.
Have you been sharing your intuitive “Sorceress” instincts with a partner, who’s more powerfully engaged with through magnetic Lover?
Or maybe your direct report at work always clashes with you when you’re in “Queenly” strategy modeWhat would be different if you got into action as Warrioress before asking for their input on your project?

You could also use the PowerTypes to help you release any pent up emotion following difficult interactions.

For example, if conversations with your sister often leave you tense, you might want to consciously spend some time in Lover to fill your energy back up afterwards. If you’re stuck, ask for help in the BeOne community. We love to help each other connect to these leadership archetypes more powerfully.

2. Don’t go there.

Some people have a hard time recognising which comments are supportive and which are critical. If there’s a particular area of my life I don’t like discussing with someone I will request that we don’t discuss it at all.

Maybe you could make a mental note that you won’t bring up your career with your hyper-critical Dad, or that work conversations should steer clear of relationships.

It’s OK to have boundaries around topics, and to actively choose not to engage in conversation around subjects that always lead to hurt.

3. Be understanding and compassionate.

Especially in today’s fast-paced, unpredictable world, many of us are carrying a heavy emotional burden that can lead unthinking responses. Everybody has their own struggles. We’re all just one of many humans trying to do the best that we can. The chances are that the people we feel are hurting us have been badly hurt themselves.

This is particularly important to remember on social media, when conversations can flare up and misunderstandings are rife. Often an offline conversation is a kinder way to check in with them and resolve any lingering upset.

4. Accept them.

Sometimes we’re challenged by a desire to “fix” those we care about. When someone you love is in a repeated pattern, and you feel as though the change they need to make is clear, it can be tough to bite your tongue.

In these situations, I tell myself it’s not my job to heal them. I do not have the power to change them. If they are ever going to change they will have to do so of their own accord. The only person I am able to change is me.

Which leads me to point 5…

5. If all else fails… gather the data!

If you really can’t shift the relationship, you can at least change your experience of it. An empowering way to do that is to treat the interactions as data. So get curious. What is is specifically that “triggers” you when it comes to this person? Does that remind you of an experience in childhood, a particularly tender area of your life, or a need that’s not currently being met?

Whenever you feel emotions rising, make a mental note to log away what you’re learning.

Journal on it, use it as the basis for a coaching conversation, or if you’re part of Living the Change bring it to a group call.

Sometimes, it’s the most frustrating people in our lives who are our greatest teachers.

Loving the negative people… it’s possible!

So if you can’t cut negative people out of your life you can approach them from a place of love. It sounds impossible but try it. The toxic relationship will become charged with positive energy.

And along the way you might learn things about yourself you might never have known.

Life is too short to give critical and negative people the power to influence our direction. Cherish your dreams, learn from your relationships, and don’t let anyone stop you or slow you down.

How about you?

How do you deal with negative people? Are there some people in your life you feel you ought to cut out but can’t? Could you try changing your reaction? Let us know in the comments…

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