mindset Archives - One of Many

How to develop your intuition

February 25, 2021 By Joanna Martin Leave a Comment

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Breathing Underwater: stress about stress! - April 8, 2021
Making a difference #ForTheNextWoman - March 4, 2021
How to develop your intuition - February 25, 2021

How much do you trust yourself? Everyone has intuitive potential – but for some of us, it can feel as though our intuition is frustratingly out of reach. Don’t worry. There are some simple tools that have helped women in our community learn how to develop their intuition, and with regular practice I think you’ll find them really helpful too. So if you’re curious about how to develop your intuition, read on.

What do we mean by intuition?

Before we consider how to develop your intuition, it’s helpful to get clear on what we actually mean by the term. You may know that I’m a bit of an etymology geek — and I think the history of this word is especially useful.

You see, many of us assume intuition is something a little bit esoteric, or somehow spiritual. There’s a ‘mystic’ sense to the world that can be a turn-off if you’re more of a science-minded woman. And indeed, part of the word’s history is the Late Middle English, ‘denoting spiritual insight or immediate spiritual communication’.

But the other root of this word is the Latin ‘intueri’ — to consider, or look into.

So another way to think about your intuition is simply the insight or consideration you can bring to a challenge or problem.

Something that might help you begin to embrace it as a tool you can use in your day to day life — whatever your beliefs.

Knowing beyond logic

In Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking Malcolm Gladwell examines research around decision-making. He looks at fascinating cases where split-second judgments: from firemen dealing with a chaotic and dangerous situation, to art dealers ‘sensing’ a flawlessly executed fake, turned out to be as accurate as carefully pondered judgments.

He concludes that those experts who have truly mastered their subject are able to make incredibly accurate decisions at lightning speed. But it’s not magic. They absorb the different facets of a situation so quickly, that they can ‘feel’ what needs to happen before their rational brain has time to assimilate the evidence.

What we might, in fact, call intuition.

“…If we are to learn to improve the quality of the decisions we make, we need to accept the mysterious nature of our snap judgements. We need to respect the fact that it is possible to know without knowing why we know and accept that — sometimes — we’re better off that way.” — Malcolm Gladwell

Intuition and the Sorceress

At One of many we use the 5 Women’s PowerTypes as models of leadership that can help us resource ourselves in any situation. The PowerType who leads us in this realm of instinct beyond logic is The Sorceress. She’s the part of you that instinctively understands what needs to be done, even if you can’t quite explain how. Her instincts guide her when it comes to decision making. And she has complete faith in her ability to ‘sense’ a situation or relationship, and know the truth that lies beneath it.

This is one of the most powerful aspects of leadership you can cultivate.

So how can you turn this to your advantage? How can you develop your intuition into a powerful tool for life?

Here’s how to develop your intuition

1. Clear your mind

If you’re anything like me you probably have lots of thoughts running through your mind at any given moment. All of this “noise” makes it difficult to hear your intuitive voice. Let them go. Picture your thoughts floating away on a cloud. Try meditation, or a practice like yoga or mindfulness which allows you to focus your mind on one activity, and let the other distractions float away.

2. Imagery

Here’s an exercise that can help you if you’re pondering a specific challenge:

Imagine yourself in a quiet place in nature, surrounded by beauty and wonder. Make this image as vivid as possible by using all of your senses. Then, imagine a treasure chest nearby. You feel excited as you approach the chest because you know that the answer to your question is inside. Take a deep breath and imagine yourself opening the treasure chest.

Now, if you struggle with this whole ‘imagine’ thing, know this. When I close my eyes and visualize, it’s black. I don’t see anything. But I pretend I can. And it still works!

I’ve changed my entire life by pretending I can visualize.

(Not to mention pretending I don’t feel dumb when I move my body… When actually it’s quite ridiculous on some level! And pretending it’s OK for me to smother a pillow in snot from crying… When really I’m a grown woman, come on!!)

Turns out pretending can be life changing if you give it a chance…

3. Dream

Take some time before you fall asleep to ask for an answer to come to you through your dreams. Your answers may come symbolically and may need some interpretation.
Look for the emotions and themes of your dreams, and see if this sheds light on your problem.

4. Affirmations

Here are just a few examples of affirmations to increase your intuitive abilities:

I trust my intuition.
My intuitive voice is consistently accurate.
I access my intuition easily.

Can you think of others? Find one that works for you, and try popping it on a post-it somewhere you can see it, or repeating it to yourself while you’re brushing your teeth.

5. Practice

The more you use and trust your intuition, the stronger it will get and the more confident you will feel about it. The whispers from your soul will always guide you to the path that is for your highest good.
Enjoy developing this incredible gift you have. And don’t forget to let us know how you get on!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

5 easy habits to create positive change

January 21, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Breathing Underwater: stress about stress! - April 8, 2021
Making a difference #ForTheNextWoman - March 4, 2021
How to develop your intuition - February 25, 2021

A while I was speaking to a friend who was feeling a little bit blue. She’d spent the previous weekend at a personal development seminar, and left feeling upbeat about how to create positive change and the road ahead for her business.

But over the next few days she had felt that positivity drain out of her, one good intention at a time.

Can you relate? Have you ever found yourself momentarily boosted – by an inspiring quote on social media, an uplifting encounter with a friend, or a training that brought huge realisations. And then felt that hope gradually drain away, as the reality of the to-do list and the demands of everyone else around you seeped back in?

How can we create positive change in the face of all our challenges?

It got me thinking about positivity, and how important it is to maintain a positive attitude, especially at the beginning of a new journey. Whenever I welcome a new member to one of our trainings or programs, I know she’s probably feeling a mixture of excitement, and also nervousness. That “What have I let myself in for?!” feeling. I’m sure you know it well!

It’s only natural that learning how to create positive change can feel tough at first. Let’s face it, it’s often discomfort with where we are that inspires us to do things differently. If everything was rosy… you probably wouldn’t be starting out on that journey of change in the first place.

As things progress you will start to see evidence of positive progress. But at the beginning, all you have is hope.

For those very first steps, you have nothing but faith in yourself and your ideas. And those around you can be understandably wary of change. They won’t mean to undermine you, but they may well feel nervous about you choosing to do things differently.

So how do you keep positive? How do you create positive conditions so that positive change can flow?

According to psychologist Shawn Achor, when your brain is happy, it “performs significantly better than it does at negative, neutral, or stressed. Your intelligence rises, your creativity rises, [and] your energy levels rise”.

In other words, learning how to cultivate a positive mindset doesn’t only make your day to day experience of life more pleasant. It can have an impact that allows even more positive experiences to flow your way – a “virtuous circle” if you like.

So here are some simple ideas to help you create positive change:

#1 Get grateful

At One of many we’re big fans of a simple practice called “thinking and thanking”. In a nutshell, at the end of each day, you scan back over the events of the past 24 hours and notice all the positive things that have happened. The synchronicities, moments of happiness, good fortune. It could be something huge, or it could be really small.

The sun came out while I was drinking my tea. The car passed its MOT. I didn’t blow my top when my kid pushed all my buttons.

Say thank you, and ask for more. Pretty soon your brain will start scanning for the positive in your life rather than the negative.

#2 Tell your story

This is a really powerful practice when you’re feeling low, and aren’t sure how you’re going to overcome the challenges you’re facing. Write down a positive experience from the past. Describe what happened and how it made you feel. Try to be as detailed as possible.

Reliving a time when you experienced how to create positive change will allow your brain to experience it twice, and remind you of what it feels like to achieve something wonderful.

#3 Meditate

Many of us are so busy spinning on the roundabout of our daily lives that the chance to step off is invaluable. As women we pride ourselves on our ability to multi-task. And when you’re on the path to create positive change, it can be tempting to push yourself even harder. But a few minutes of meditation every day will give you the chance to pause, reflect and focus on the task at hand.

Maybe, like me, you find the “sitting still and focusing on your thoughts” kind of meditating challenging. If that’s the case, try and find a way to connect to the present that works for you. Maybe it’s dancing to a playlist of your favourite songs. Taking 10 minutes to drink a cuppa in the garden and listen to the birdsong. In Living the Change, Annie Stoker leads a “Dynamic Meditation” sessions which are incredibly popular. Find something that works for you, and make it a habit.

#4 The Sunshine mail

Each day when you open your inbox, send a positive message to someone. You could be thanking them for something they did, or showing your support for their journey, or congratulating them for something they achieved. It could be a quick text, an email or a supportive comment on social media. What a beautiful way to feel part of a collective journey, and to make others’ lives that bit brighter.

#5 Emotional hygiene

This might be an unexpected addition to a “positive thinking” list. But if you’re serious about change, it’s important to remember that you’ll experience ups and downs along the way. That means finding out how to handle your “negative” emotions too – the rage, grief, sadness, and anything else you might encounter.

How can you safely acknowledge and express your emotions, without allowing them to take over? There are plenty of resources to help you in the Living the Change program. Or try talking to a coach, or using simple journalling exercise like this one.

Hope thrives with simple habits

Positive change cannot come from outside. But it can come from short, simple exercises that, done regularly, will rewire your brain to work more optimistically and more successfully.

How do you stay positive? Have you tried any of these? Let us know how they work for you. And if you’d like to discover more tools and resources to help you navigate life’s challenges and have the impact you’re truly capable of, check out Living the Change: our online coaching program to help you create the life you want.

Click here for full details and to join our community.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it)

January 15, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Breathing Underwater: stress about stress! - April 8, 2021
Making a difference #ForTheNextWoman - March 4, 2021
How to develop your intuition - February 25, 2021

Right now many of us are isolating ourselves from connection with others more than we ever have before. And I am more present than ever to the effect that’s having on all of us. Because the fact is, we need community.

We overlook the importance of connection at our peril – as I’m going to share with you today.

I know I’m not alone in really, really missing my nearest and dearest. Lately, I’ve found myself looking back over photos of retreats and events. Where we used to come together in a room and dance together and hug each other without even thinking about it twice. We would go to concerts. We would go to bars. We didn’t care how many other people were in a small enclosed space with us.

For many of us, those times feel very, very far away.

The problem with isolation

The isolation and loneliness we’re facing are compounded by the additional stress we’re all under.

Maybe you’ve had a bad night’s sleep, got a looming work deadline, or your kids are being particularly challenging.

Maybe you’re grieving. Or sick.

Many of us are having to navigate redundancies or put people on furlough, or work out whether we should or shouldn’t open for business. All the sorts of things we’re facing at the moment are causing us to be way more stressed than usual.

And yet, for some reason, the more stressed we get, the more we isolate.

I have seen it again and again in our community.

Could our “Superwoman” streak be stopping us from connecting?

Many of us have an unconscious belief that if things get stressful, we have to draw away. We think we can only be in the world when we are positive, or when we’ve all got it all figured out.

Many of us grew up being taught to share happy things and hide sad things. And if that’s what you grew up with, then at a time when stress is magnified, we are tending to isolate even more.

So let’s talk about why we need community and why connection is so critically important.

Here are 6 reasons why connection is critical to all of us.

#1 We need to belong

As the wonderful Brené Brown puts it, we are “hardwired for love and belonging”. It’s in our very DNA, the fabric of our being to love, to be loved and to feel like we belong somewhere.

#2 We need support and belief

I often work with women entrepreneurs, in my one-on-one consultancy. And there’s often this sense of imposter syndrome. We think “I really should believe in myself more”. To a certain extent that’s true, but there is a big part of self-belief that actually comes from others.

I tend to surround myself with people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. And that works beautifully for me. I am surrounded by a team of incredible men and women who believe in me more than I believe in me. They create a leadership space for me to lead them in. And I keep stepping into that.

Having people around us who believe in us is so important, so that when we hit something that’s hard to navigate, whether it be a work thing, a family thing, a relationship thing, we’ve got someone to tell us “I know you’re having a tough time, but I believe in you. I really believe in you. I know you can do this. Let’s see if we can come up with some ideas together.” Sometimes that support looks like troubleshooting and problem solving together. And sometimes that support looks like just being there.

#3 We need collective wisdom

When it comes to solving a problem, a group does better than any individual out there. We can get to a point beyond where any one person could go on their own. And that’s connected to the fourth reason, which is:

#4 We need to push our own limits

We will all stop ourselves at some point. Oftentimes others give us that gentle push that has us grow and expand into an area that we might not have otherwise gone into. We need community for that. It’s something we can’t do for ourselves.

#5 We need accountability

We need other people to declare our intentions to. They can remind us of what we’ve decided and help us stick to our plans, whatever plans they may be.

#6 We need others’ energy

I confess: This is something I don’t quite know how to describe. I know that for myself, some of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve had happen, not in one-on-one coaching sessions, but where I’m part of a collective coming together as a group. It can happen virtually. I’ve seen it in the group who have gathered for the Activate Challenge this week. There’s a motivation in there. We can share energy when we come together in community, and it’s powerful stuff.

Is it time you got connected?

My challenge for you today is to reach out and get connected to somebody.

If you have a good friend you’ve not connected with for a while, reach out, have an evening with them on zoom and talk it through. Send a care package. Send a postcard. Connect!
If you’re friends with someone on social media, why not ask them if they’d like to have a virtual coffee together?
And if you don’t even know where to start with community, please start by joining one of our online groups because they are full of exquisite and extraordinary women who know how to be a fierce, committed stand. They know how to be supportive and gentle and nourishing when they need to, they know how to love and they know how to accept love. That is one of the things that makes our community so deeply rich and profound.

And if you’d like to experience what it’s like to gather virtually with hundreds of women – and discover how to reconnect to your joy and optimism for the future – join us for the Activate Your Vision workshop, happening tomorrow. It would be an absolute pleasure to have you there, as part of our global community of women.

Click here to register for your free place at the training.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Guest blog: How to stay sane during the holidays

December 17, 2020 By Oona Alexander

About
Latest Posts

Oona Alexander

Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

Latest posts by Oona Alexander (see all)

Guest blog: How to stay sane during the holidays - December 17, 2020
Guest blog: What to do when they won’t listen to you - May 2, 2019

If you have children in your life I’m sure they will have made you aware that holidays are here and an exciting time of year is approaching! You’re probably very busy with to-do lists, preparations and plans for a pandemic-proof end of year celebration with your family. Today I want to explore some simple, practical ways to stay sane during the holidays.

And even if you won’t be spending time with kids this year, I hope you’ll find these tips helpful when it comes to your own experience of the holidays. After all, I’m guessing you’re exhausted after this year of unpredictability, maybe processing grief, too. And perhaps feeling disappointed about the restrictions on this year’s festivities. A little planning can go a long way.

So, what will help you stay sane during the holidays?

I believe the key words here are kindness and connection.

Please start with kindness to yourself. This is not the year to enforce extra high standards or go the extra mile.

Find compassion for yourself, recognising all you have done, while navigating unchartered waters.
Prioritise some self-care, even if it’s just a sweetly scented bath with candles.
And promise me you won’t forget to eat lunch because you’re focussed on the Christmas biscuits!

Your needs come first. Kindness towards yourself will help you be present and connect with your children – and your presence and connectedness are the most precious gifts you can give them.

To help you bring in more connectedness and have a happy and harmonious time with the kids, here are seven tips.

7 way to stay sane during the holidays

1. Involve your children in the planning.

Children love it when we listen to their ideas and let them contribute to the family plans. This really helps them to connect with everything that’s happening and brings enthusiasm and a sense of ownership into events. You can do this using a three part conversation:

First, ask what’s important for them about the holidays and your family celebrations this year. What would they like to do? Use this step as an opportunity to be curious and learn more about what your children’s priorities are. Then appreciate all their ideas, however wacky, and show you’ve heard them by writing them down.
Secondly, bring the elements that are important to you about the holidays, for example, a daily walk or screen time limits. Make this bit as as concise as possible. At all costs avoid asking for nice behaviour or any hint of lecturing (which doesn’t work – and actually undermines your authority.)
Finally bring your ideas together in a plan for the days and weeks ahead. Assign tasks.

2. Create a flexible structure to your day.

This can be as simple as having an activity in the morning like baking/crafts/walk and games/screen time in the afternoon.

A rhythm to your day helps to create predictability, which supports children to orientate, settle back into holiday mode and connect with events.

3. Include a physical activity every single day.

Giving children (and let’s face it, adults too) the opportunity to connect with their bodies each day acts like a magic mood lifter! Ideally, there’s the daily walk or bike ride, with the additional benefit of fresh air.

But, if you can’t go out, at least clear the furniture and get everyone moving by having a family disco, organising a pillow fight or giving them a fun sensory experience like being rolled along the floor in a duvet.

4. Keep your children informed.

Let your children know what’s coming up the next day. This helps them prepare and makes it easier for them to interrupt their activities, when the time comes to get into the car or say hello to grandpa.

5. Free range activities.

It can be so much fun to involve children in craft or baking activities at this time of year. The key here is not to be invested in specific results. It’s best to avoid saying things like: “No, not like that!” or “Try and make it a bit neater!”

Keep reminding yourself that, for your children, it’s the activity that’s important and the opportunity to connect with you and the process. This is what brings the sense of fun and enjoyment, not the way it looks afterwards. You can start simply by saying, “Let’s have fun with the biscuit dough.”

6. Allow feelings.

The festive season is exciting for every child and feelings can run high, with dramatic peaks and troughs. Inevitably there will be disappointments. There always are. And my best advice is to allow your child to feel these difficult feelings. This way, they pass over more quickly.

Here’s how it works: If a child says something like, “He got a bigger present than me!” we’re often tempted to try to talk them out of their feelings by offering a logical counter-argument, such as: “It’s not about the size.” But what actually helps much more is to make space for them to actually feel their feelings, by empathising. In this case you might say,

“It sounds like it’s really important to you that you get the same-sized present as your brother.”

7. Permission to create one-to-one time.

Holidays are a fabulous opportunity for the whole family to be together. But, be aware that when you’re all together, your individual children often don’t get their connection needs met. You’ll know this is happening, because your child’s behaviour will deteriorate.

So, plan in a “mummy morning” or a “daddy afternoon”. You can also do this spontaneously, if your child is getting disruptive: Invite them to have some mummy time in another room to top up their love levels. Play a game or do aeroplanes together.

When children’s connection needs are met like this, they are more likely to be able to go with the flow when they return to the bigger group.

I hope this blog has inspired you with some fresh ideas for a fun, connected holiday with your children. I encourage you to write down two or three that you would like to include in your plans. Consider how you will implement them. Who do you need to talk to?

Finally, I wish you the happiest holiday to round off this year of years, and much joy in the New Year.

To find out more about my radically loving approach and how to put empathy into practice, click here to download my free guide Solve the Struggle with your Kids.

It shares 6 Wise Parenting Powers to help you raise a secure and happy family.

About Oona

Radical love advocate | Nature freak | Perfectly imperfect mum

Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

How to make peace with anything

November 25, 2020 By Annie Stoker

About
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Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Coaching and the things we can’t change

A while back, while having a BIG clear out of a whole heap of old things, I came across a memory from decades ago.

A set of beautiful, colourful baby clothes I’d bought while travelling in Peru. At the time, I was desperate to have children. I imagined the kind of mother I’d be, the lives they’d have, the adventures we’d go on together.

But it wasn’t meant to be.

For a while, coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to do this thing I wanted more than anything was incredibly painful.

But this time, when I came across those tiny outfits, I felt nothing but peace with the way things have unfolded. In fact, they now bring a smile to my face. The pangs of longing are gone. The heartache is over. I’m even happy that I don’t have kids now! I have enough on my plate just looking after me so that I can look after everyone else.

I’m loving the stability, serenity and settledness of post menopause life. And that I get to support many people, not just a couple of small ones! I get to do what I love most… like supporting women to becoming incredible coaches for the women around them. Sharing these tools that have made such a difference in my life.

And helping others find peace with the life experiences they once thought they would never overcome.

What if you can’t “get over it”?

If you’re reading this and thinking that this all sounds well and good, but there’s no way YOU could get over the particular heartbreak you’re facing, then let me give you the brutal truth.

Whatever happens in life, you have two options:

Accept it… or change it.

If you can’t accept what’s happened, you have to change it.

And if you can’t change it?

You have no choice but to accept it, one way or the other.

When we can’t accept the things we can’t change, that’s when all kinds of problems show up. We can turn to crutches like drink, drugs, work, codependent relationships… anything to avoid coming to terms with what’s happened. This is nothing to be ashamed of – it’s far more common than you might think.

Many of us have been squashing down this realization for years. Decades. Maybe even most of our lives.

To understand how you can finally move forward, you need to look at why that is.

What stops us from accepting things?

At the root of the things we can’t accept tend to be feelings we haven’t allowed ourself to fully express. Many of us are terrified of the emotions we’re avoiding.

So if you want to know how to make peace with anything, that’s often a good place to start.

Think about something you find it hard to let go of.

On a scale of one to ten, how strongly do you feel emotionally about it?

If there’s ANY emotion there, it’s a sign there is some work to do.

What kind of work?

Well, all kinds of things. As Women’s Coaches we have a whole range of tools to help women move through emotions they’re feeling. Some things to try might be:

Journalling, so you can really be honest about your thoughts and feelings
Meditations to help you release unhelpful limitations or emotions
Dynamic meditations, which allow you to move feelings through your body
Embodiment work, such as dance, movement or massage
Getting clear on your needs
Learning how to ask for things
Setting boundaries with those around you
Understanding the role of the different Women’s PowerTypes in your life

… and many, many more.

There are so many tools that help us move through things.

A good coach can help you identify the ones which are right for you. And the impact can transform your life.

When you find peace, the future opens up

The only reason we find ourselves unable to make peace with things is because of the stories we’re holding on to. That keep us stuck to our past experiences, and attached to the meanings we decide they have.

When we’re able to unravel those stories and release them of their power, we find ourselves in a place of new potential. It’s as though, instead of looking at everything through the murky filter of our unexpressed emotions, we’re finally able to look through clear lenses at what’s right in front of us.

Clients I’ve coached in the past have experienced the pain of divorce, of losing their homes, bankruptcy, bereavement, and unimaginable trauma and loss.

With the right support, I don’t think there’s anything we can’t make peace with (with the exception of clinical diagnoses which need support beyond a coach’s expertise).

Start by reminding yourself of that simple fact: You can accept what’s happened, or you can change it.

What are you going to accept, starting today?

Do you want to know how to make peace with anything?

If you’re curious about these simple, powerful ways to move through emotion and find freedom from what’s past, there’s a free workshop coming up which you might be interested in.

It’s called Essential Skills for Coaching Women, and in it Jo Martin will be introducing One of many’s unique coaching toolkit – designed by women, for women. You’ll discover some practical tools you can use straight away to support the women in your life to move past even the toughest challenges.

If you’d love to know how to share this work with others, and allow them to move forward with their lives, you’d be so welcome. Just click the link below to register for your place:

https://oneofmany.co.uk/essential-skills-for-coaching/

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

2 needs that define 2020

October 9, 2020 By Susie Heath

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Susie Heath

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Need #1: Certainty

We can define this need as “The ability to feel certain in advance as to what is likely to happen now and in the future.” Hmm… not exactly a defining feature of recent months!

With certainty comes a level of confidence as we learn how life works, are able to express ourselves more easily in the world, and are able to achieve our desires.

If certainty is one of your top needs then safety and security are very important to you. So people whose top priority is certainty will do everything in their power to ensure that very little changes.

For example, they may…

Work to a budget
Stay in the same job even if they hate it
Go on holiday to the same place each year
Repeat the same habits day in day out,
Keep the house the same way (either immaculately tidy or in organised chaos)
Choose the same haircut,
Wear the same style of clothes
Hate surprises,
Get thrown if their routine is disrupted
Seldom step out of their comfort zone.

Are you someone who values certainty above all else?

Or do you know someone in your life who does?

How has 2020 impacted you or your partner when it comes to your need to feel certain? Perhaps periods of strict regulation and even lockdown have felt strangely reassuring, as you repeat the same routines every day – but constantly moving plans around, and ever-changing guidance has really derailed your sense of stability.

How to bring greater certainty into your life

If this describes your partner, then rather than be judgmental about them, think of this as a road map which helps you to understand why they operate in this way. The more you can give them reassurance, the happier and more relaxed they will be. Without it, all their fears come up to the surface.

If you’re the one who values certainty, consider ways you can bring more stability into your life. What small practices could you introduce to bring a feeling of control and steadiness into your world, despite the wider uncertainty? Share your ideas in the comments.

For some of us however, the downside of too much certainty is that we start to become bored, uncomfortable and stuck, because we need the opposite of certainty to provide stimulation to help us grow. Which leads us to the second

Need #2: Uncertainty or Variety.

This is where taking risks comes in, where we dare to challenge the status quo. We actively create more excitement and variety which make life worthwhile, where we open ourselves to new experiences to bring out new qualities in ourselves.

When faced with a challenge, most people run back to the area they are most comfortable in. But a combination of certainty and uncertainty generates growth as we search for answers in as yet unknown territory. This is where we explore who we have the possibility of becoming.

People who love uncertainty and variety are the risk-takers. These tend to be the entrepreneurs, the creative people, artists in different genres.

They may…

Play the stock market
Challenge the elements with sailing, skiing and diving
Change their jobs frequently
Be willing to step right out of their comfort zone
Hate routine
Argue just for the sake of it to see what will happen,
Love surprises
Go away on holiday on a whim without planning, who are spontaneous.
Be untidy and then enjoy blitzing the place and making it look fantastic
Move furniture around in the house to break with conformity.

When they have conquered a challenge, they become certain about it – so they have to stretch their boundaries even more to explore further. This is where extreme sports and outrageous behaviours can come in.

The downside of uncertainty and variety is the inability to be happy with where one is. These people may find “settling down” and commitment somewhat of a challenge unless lots of variety is built in.

Who do you know who is like this?

Is uncertainty or variety a top need for you?

How have the challenges of this year impacted your need for change? Perhaps you’ve found the need to pivot and adapt energising, even exciting – but struggled with a lack of freedom, travel restrictions, or the need to obey rules.

If this is your partner what can you do to help fulfil their need for variety? It doesn’t have to be extreme – you will be surprised what you can do to satisfy this need.

If it’s you, how can you introduce novelty and difference to your life? Perhaps there’s a new form of creativity to explore, a different way to exercise, or a new area near your home you can get to know. Learning new skills or researching a topic can also help you find that edge of learning and growth.

Your needs and your relationships

Most couples inevitably experience conflict and misunderstanding in their intimate relationships. But once you understand your partner’s core needs, you will be able to go some way towards fulfilling them.

And once you understand your own needs, you’re far more able to ask for them to be met with the help of your partner. In turn this will lead to a more conscious and enlightened relationship.

When you realise the importance of this, it also helps you to make a more conscious choice when selecting a partner, and also to realise why a previous relationship may not have been fulfilling.

How about you?

Does looking at your recent experience through this lens help you understand some of the challenges you’ve been facing? How could you support your loved ones, and ask them to support you, when it comes to balancing uncertainty and change?

We’d love to know what you think. Share your experience in the comments – and forward this article to anyone you think might find it helpful.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

How to deal with negative people

October 1, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Breathing Underwater: stress about stress! - April 8, 2021
Making a difference #ForTheNextWoman - March 4, 2021
How to develop your intuition - February 25, 2021

Who’s that person in your life… The one who makes your heart sink when you see their name pop up on your phone – or whose response to your latest idea or project is bound to deflate you? Negative people can be really challenging to handle – so today I want to share 5 quick ways to reframe a relationship that’s bringing you down.

Let’s start with something that you need to get out of the way first.

Every now and again I hear a different version of the same advice I’ve heard a lot over the years. ‘Cut out negative people!’ ‘Don’t allow negative people to colour your life!’ ‘Surround yourself with positive people only!’.

This is all good advice. If we eliminate negative influences chances are that the life we want will unfold in a more positive direction.

But what if you can’t just ‘cut them out’?

What if you have a negative boss but you like your job? What if it’s your neighbour, but you don’t want to move house? What if it’s your mother, and you’re definitely not at a point where you want to be completely estranged?

Yes, we need to create space for positive change but sometimes we have to do that by shifting our own mindset.

And if our only way to handle challenging people is to avoid them completely, we’re cutting ourselves off from interactions that might really have something to teach us.

This a great chance for us to practice compassion, patience and unconditional love!

Here are five ways to get started.

1. Use the Women’s PowerTypes to connect more effectively

If you haven’t come across the Women’s PowerTypes before, you can read more about them here. Often, a quick check in with how you’re showing up in a relationship can help you see what needs to be shifted.

Perhaps you’re taking on a “Mothering” role for a friend, when actually stepping into Queen would help you set boundaries that would empower both of you.
Have you been sharing your intuitive “Sorceress” instincts with a partner, who’s more powerfully engaged with through magnetic Lover?
Or maybe your direct report at work always clashes with you when you’re in “Queenly” strategy modeWhat would be different if you got into action as Warrioress before asking for their input on your project?

You could also use the PowerTypes to help you release any pent up emotion following difficult interactions.

For example, if conversations with your sister often leave you tense, you might want to consciously spend some time in Lover to fill your energy back up afterwards. If you’re stuck, ask for help in the BeOne community. We love to help each other connect to these leadership archetypes more powerfully.

2. Don’t go there.

Some people have a hard time recognising which comments are supportive and which are critical. If there’s a particular area of my life I don’t like discussing with someone I will request that we don’t discuss it at all.

Maybe you could make a mental note that you won’t bring up your career with your hyper-critical Dad, or that work conversations should steer clear of relationships.

It’s OK to have boundaries around topics, and to actively choose not to engage in conversation around subjects that always lead to hurt.

3. Be understanding and compassionate.

Especially in today’s fast-paced, unpredictable world, many of us are carrying a heavy emotional burden that can lead unthinking responses. Everybody has their own struggles. We’re all just one of many humans trying to do the best that we can. The chances are that the people we feel are hurting us have been badly hurt themselves.

This is particularly important to remember on social media, when conversations can flare up and misunderstandings are rife. Often an offline conversation is a kinder way to check in with them and resolve any lingering upset.

4. Accept them.

Sometimes we’re challenged by a desire to “fix” those we care about. When someone you love is in a repeated pattern, and you feel as though the change they need to make is clear, it can be tough to bite your tongue.

In these situations, I tell myself it’s not my job to heal them. I do not have the power to change them. If they are ever going to change they will have to do so of their own accord. The only person I am able to change is me.

Which leads me to point 5…

5. If all else fails… gather the data!

If you really can’t shift the relationship, you can at least change your experience of it. An empowering way to do that is to treat the interactions as data. So get curious. What is is specifically that “triggers” you when it comes to this person? Does that remind you of an experience in childhood, a particularly tender area of your life, or a need that’s not currently being met?

Whenever you feel emotions rising, make a mental note to log away what you’re learning.

Journal on it, use it as the basis for a coaching conversation, or if you’re part of Living the Change bring it to a group call.

Sometimes, it’s the most frustrating people in our lives who are our greatest teachers.

Loving the negative people… it’s possible!

So if you can’t cut negative people out of your life you can approach them from a place of love. It sounds impossible but try it. The toxic relationship will become charged with positive energy.

And along the way you might learn things about yourself you might never have known.

Life is too short to give critical and negative people the power to influence our direction. Cherish your dreams, learn from your relationships, and don’t let anyone stop you or slow you down.

How about you?

How do you deal with negative people? Are there some people in your life you feel you ought to cut out but can’t? Could you try changing your reaction? Let us know in the comments…

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Why we’re so emotional right now

August 27, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Breathing Underwater: stress about stress! - April 8, 2021
Making a difference #ForTheNextWoman - March 4, 2021
How to develop your intuition - February 25, 2021

“I can’t feel my legs at all now!” I yelled to James as he shivered on the beach. “Come on in, it’s fabulous!”

August in North Wales and I was channelling my inner Brit, stoically frolicking in the freezing surf despite the overcast clouds and drizzle. The sea really was glorious, even if it was undoubtedly very, very cold. And after the initial shock had worn off I really did stop noticing the cold in my fingers and toes. (For the record, that was not enough to get James into the water!)

And thanks to my medical training, I knew why. My body was responding in the appropriate way to the shock of the cold environment – diverting blood flow from my extremities to preserve my core functioning.

So what does this have to do with the fact that you’re feeling so emotional right now?

Well, as I returned this week, I found myself reflecting on that physiological stress response, and how it relates to what we’ve been experiencing on a psychological level.

Many of us are noticing ourselves responding in unusual ways emotionally, having been plunged into the shock of the global pandemic.

Our responses are normal, but they’re also important to pay attention to. Because, if we don’t take notice of our own needs when it comes to processing our emotions, we can store up even greater problems in the future.

Why we’re so emotional right now: the impact of stress

Every single one of us has come under stress in recent months – on top of the existing strains of our usual day to day juggle. Many of us were already in “Superwoman” mode when the pandemic began.

Somehow, we found reserves in the tank to power through that initial shock. And for each of us the impact has been vastly different. Some of us have lost loved ones, have been in frontline jobs, have seen businesses evaporate overnight. We’ve all been through our own challenges, big and small.

Not sure if you’ve been impacted? Think back. Have you experienced:

Crazy dreams
Flashbacks to particularly stressful moments
Crying inappropriately
Losing your temper with someone you wouldn’t usually
A feeling of numbness or dissociation

These are all symptoms of the stress you’ve been under.

And we’ve adapted. We learned new habits. We learned how to interpret statistics and analyse exponential curves; to carry a mask and wash our hands. We’ve gradually learned to adopt a 17 step process for grocery shopping, and navigate an advanced series of risk management protocols before considering something as previously simple as “visiting grandma”.

Every single one of these adaptations has drawn more on our executive function – requiring energy to make decisions and adjust to change.

And of course, that’s only looking at the Covid pandemic. Everything else in life didn’t stop. If your parent has dementia, your relationship’s breaking up, or your child has additional needs, you’ll have been navigating those things as well. You might have been deeply involved by the Black Lives Matter movement, had your financial foundations rocked, or had another health issue crop up.

Just because many of us have now got through the hard part of full lockdown, doesn’t mean things have got easier.

No wonder we’re feeling so emotional right now!

Now, we’re facing a new and different challenge.

For many of us our energy for change, our drive for stepping up and being creative again, for making change in the world, having an impact through business or leading our family into new ventures – is hugely depleted right now.

We’re frustrated, sad, grieving, procrastinating and confused.

So how does this relate to my tentative steps into those bracing Welsh waves last week?

When we’re faced with extreme stress, just like my shivering limbs in the North sea responded to the physical cold, our psyches react. We tend to shut down our emotional response in order to get through. We go into “functioning” mode, doing what needs to be done – furloughing staff, comforting kids, reassuring partners.

And it’s important to understand that this is a completely normal thing to do.

When we’re facing trauma or stress, we often suppress the emotions that accompany it. It enables us to keep going and preserve ourselves and our loved ones.

But those emotions don’t go away. As time goes on, many of us are starting to feel “full up” with emotion. This is where that “I’m just so emotional right now!” feeling starts to crop up. We’ve experienced fear, panic, anger, rage, division, isolation.

And most of us don’t have an “emotional hygiene” practice for safely letting go of those pent-up feelings.

It’s been a highly emotional time across the planet

Normally when you have a tough time, you can turn to someone who’s not having a tough time. But when everyone’s in the midst of turbulence, we’ve got no one to turn to. We become isolated – and that exacerbates our stress.

You might have gone through periods of numbness, and now find that your emotions are starting to spill over in inappropriate ways.

Or perhaps you experienced a snappy stage a while back, but now you’re starting to feel increasingly withdrawn – and you know you’re comfort eating at night in an attempt to keep those uncomfortable feelings at bay.

There’s no rule book for this stuff, and the science surrounding stress and trauma is still evolving. If you’re feeling so emotional right now, that’s OK.

What’s clear is that almost all of us are experiencing some kind of emotional reaction to stress – and we need to make sure we prioritise addressing that as soon as we can.

What can you do if you’re feeling extra emotional right now?

Dealing with our emotions depends to some extent on the scope of the trauma. If you’ve experienced massive trauma and it’s seriously impacting your life, I suggest you find a professional counsellor or therapist to help guide you through your experience.

Otherwise, there are 4 things you need to allow yourself to safely and powerfully process your emotions. And one simple way you can access them, absolutely free.

1. Safe space

To really allow yourself to process emotions, you need to be in a “safe space”. Physically, you need to be able to relax and know that you’re not under threat, and won’t be disturbed, so that your body can fully relax. And it’s also important to have enough time to get into the process, without being called away to work, parent, or otherwise be a “grown up”. Switch off notifications, close the door, and let others know not to disturb you.

2. Time away from the everyday

Time to delve into your emotions needs a distinct space from all the other demands of your life. Giving yourself the space to hold your feelings acknowledges how important this is. Just as a massage or exercise class might tend to your body, this is an important aspect of supporting your emotional health. Prioritise it, make space for it, and allow yourself to acknowledge everything you’ve been through.

3. Tools to help you work through emotions

There are many different tools you can use for feeling and processing emotion – and a skilled professional will be able to share the ones which will be most effective for you. At One of many we have a host of resources to help women process their emotions healthily – and I’ll share more about our upcoming workshop, which is free to join, in a moment.

4. Support from a competent guide

This might be a coach, counsellor, healer or trainer – you might do this as part of a group or 1:1. Emotional work can be really challenging to do by yourself, and if you have an experienced guide to lead you through the process you’ll be able to more fully release the stress you’ve experienced and trust that you’ll feel freer at the end.

You’re invited to start the healing process together

We’re acutely aware that thousands of women in our community and beyond have been shouldering a huge amount during this extraordinary year. Our submission to the Parliamentary Women and Equalities Committee here in the UK revealed how disproportionately women had been impacted by Covid-19.

And now, as time passes and our challenges and experiences morph and change, we’re hearing the need for support to heal, grow, and reconnect to our energy to be a force for change in the world.

Momentum for Change is a 2-day interactive virtual experience happening on 19–20 September.

We’ll be gathering as a global community of women to create a safe space where we can start this healing work together.

It’s going to be an incredible space for transformation, with amazing guest speakers, interactive workshops, and sessions to address the many and varied challenges we’re facing – from our careers to our wellbeing.

Registration is FREE and we’re committed to inviting as many women as we can to this very special gathering. Please forward this article to anyone you know who’s been experiencing the stresses of the past year, and would love to join us.

Click here to book your place now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to deal with your emotions

August 13, 2020 By Annie Stoker

About
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Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many

Why do we find emotions so difficult to handle?

If we try to avoid some emotions that we don’t like, they are bound to come back to us later, because all emotions simply want to be expressed. After all they are just energy in motion and emotions naturally bubble up inside us, get expressed and then leave. However, if we try to interrupt this process we can bring all sorts of problems upon ourselves.

When you don’t know how to deal with your emotions it’s often the avoidance strategies that cause you most problems – not the emotions themselves.

Here’s what I mean.

Every feeling that gets generated has five parts as follows:

The thought about the situation
The resulting emotion
The way we perceive the emotion and the meaning we ascribe to it
The way we feel about that meaning
The way we respond to the emotion

Our response to an emotion often has a greater impact than the feeling itself.

No-one has ever died of an emotion!

Many people have died as a result of not managing their emotions but instead turning to substance abuse, addictions and dangerous behaviour.

If emotions are suppressed for long enough they can also cause havoc on a physical level by contributing to diseases and physical symptoms. As long as we do not want to experience a set of emotions and want to avoid them at any cost, the fact remains that someday, we will find ourselves facing those emotions at such an intensity that all our energy, willpower and control will be washed away trying to overcome them.

Here’s how to discover your emotional preferences

Try the following exercise:

Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.

On one side of the line, list out the emotions that you like and want to continue to experience in life:

Now, on the other side, list out the emotions that you dislike and want to avoid.

Once you complete the above two lists, you will see that there are a few emotions that you like (for instance: happiness, love, joy, excitement, etc) and probably a lot more other emotions that you don’t like (for example: sadness, anger, fear, hurt, disappointment, hate, jealousy, inadequacy, shame, confusion, doubt, rejection etc).

It is very common for people to have fewer emotions that they like and a large number of emotions that they don’t like.

What this means is that when we think about how to deal with our emotions, we often focus on trying to manipulate life in order to avoid the ones we don’t like.

For example if you’re afraid of rejection, you may then avoid speaking in public, getting into relationships, being noticed at work, making mistakes, speaking your mind etc.

We can run our whole lives trying to avoid emotions we dislike.

Introducing… Emotional Allergies!

Sometimes, we become so allergic to particular feelings, due to intense experiences of them in the past, that we will do anything to avoid them.

Even if it means missing out on things we actually want.

But being aware of what emotions you like and what emotions make you cringe is important for ensuring emotional freedom.

After all, what do you think is more logical: running away from something that is bound to occur, or trying to find a way to accept something that may be uncomfortable but is going to happen anyway?

Once you know this then you can challenge yourself to remain open even to the ones you like least. After all, they are part of being human and are guaranteed to turn up at some point in your life.

How to deal with your emotions

Instead of trying to run away from them and avoid all the situations that you think could possibly cause them, why not ask the more intelligent question of “How can I accept them?” instead?

Eventually, with practice, you’ll find emotions are no longer your enemy. They become part of your life, and your emotional landscape gets more colorful and interesting.

Learning how to deal with your emotions is not about liking or disliking a particular emotion, it is about just being open to all kinds of emotions. In the end you don’t mind what you are feeling – it is all welcome.

As long as we are willing to experience all kinds of emotion for whatever duration, the more easily they can flow through us. You’ll find they actually disappear pretty quickly when you let go!

So choose to be willing, don’t make emotions mean anything (they don’t – they are just sensations) and just let them flow through you without resistance.

Developing emotional intelligence

We develop emotional intelligence when we are able to feel all our emotions and accept them for however long they hang around. A conscious effort to face all kinds of emotion without using any strategy to avoid them plus the willingness to experience all the sensations of every emotion, will ultimately lead to freedom.

If you are open to experiencing any and all feelings, then there is actually nothing in life you need to be afraid of anymore.

You are just open, present and accepting of whatever happens outside and whatever you feel inside.

Over to you

How about you? What emotions do you feel habitually, and which ones do you try and avoid at all costs? “Mapping” your emotional landscape like this can be a really fascinating exercise – we’d love to know what comes up for you. Leave us a comment and let us know!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to stay engaged without losing your compassion

July 16, 2020 By Sam Mcneill

About
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Sam Mcneill

Samantha McNeill is One of many’s resident digital support queen, helping us share our programs, trainings and free resources effectively, efficiently and with ease. She’s a devoted pet mom to a small menagerie of rescue dogs and cats, loves geeking out on statistics and analytics, and makes a mean veggie curry. She’s a transplant from the US currently living in Hampshire, where she dreams of one day creating a sustainable farm.

These are challenging times

Since the start of this year things have felt like a never-ending chain of escalation. Every time you see the news there is some new horrific or shocking event happening.

The stressors seem to keep piling on and we are left feeling we’re an overflowing dam that is cracking and about to burst. The world is pulsing with humanity’s feelings of isolation, fear, anger, desperation, frustration, and depression. Social media and the internet mean we’re more connected and able to share those feelings than ever. And with every negative event and emotion, that feeling grows and starts to creep out.

For many of us, recent events have hit all too close to home

When this happens, empathy, which is one of our most distinguishing traits as humans, can sometimes become a double-edged sword. Not a single one of us wants to idle by while those around us suffer. So now, more than ever, we find ourselves manically inspired and ready to take on the world so that we can protect what is most important to us.

But have you ever heard the saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”?

In other words, when we lose sight of our values through a feeling of self-righteousness, we sometimes can find ourselves doing or saying things we’d never normally do.

Sometimes our emotions get the best of us. Even if we go into something with the best of intentions, we may find that after an assortment of twists and turns, we lost sight of ourselves or our original goal.

When this happens, it is important to take a step back and re-evaluate ourselves and the situation.

Finding perspective amidst the storm

So, with that all being said, I invite you right now to take a second. Take a deep sigh of relief, relax your shoulders, unclench your fist, straighten your back, centre yourself and give yourself a moment.

As humans we naturally have reactive and proactive natures, so when we spot something that bothers us, it triggers an emotional response and from there we tend to decide our plan of action.

Very rarely is something as simple as going from point A to point B.

We may read A and respond instinctively with B, but then we are triggered by something else to say C and then D, and maybe even go back later to add an E… and so on.

How to stay engaged without losing compassion

A visual exercise I like to use while self-reflecting, is imagining your inner thought process as a tree. Tall, proud, forever growing, ageing, and changing with the seasons. Every branch, leaf, flower, and root of your tree is its own independent thought and the collective information they provide feeds into the trunk and becomes your base.

Instead of trying to focus on every single bit of information each of your branches, leaves, flowers, or roots may be feeding back to you, try focusing on your trunk/core. Whether you focus on them or not does not change the fact that they are a part of you.

For example – how often have you found yourself in conflict with someone, when you realise you’re being distracted by the nitty-gritty of what you’re talking about?

Maybe you catch yourself arguing the finer points of your cohabiting arrangements with your partner, over exactly who said they’d put the bins out. The issue isn’t the missed chore – it’s your need to be recognised for the responsibility you take in your partnership.

Or you’re deep in debate with a team member, dissecting the semantics of the word “regards” in a discussion about whether or not their email overstepped the mark. It’s not really the passive aggressive tone you’re discussing – it’s your worry that your colleague’s commitment to the team is faltering, and that’s seeping into external communications.

For me and my mom, our shared goal is to end oppression and find a true sense of equality in the world. The real issue was whether we both want the world to change – and we do.

With that in mind, I realise that becoming defensive about how she expresses that is a tangent. A rattling leaf that misses the trunk of our common values.

Life is a journey, not a battle

So, when you find yourself overwhelmed with emotion, try asking yourself this:

What is the core of what you are looking for?

If you had to choose 1 thought out of a 1000 to sum up your vision or goal within that moment, what would that 1 thought be?

Keep it simple – restrict it to a sentence or two.

Once you have that thought write it down. In my experience, the hardest part of a personal journey is finding your path again when you feel like you have lost your way.

With that practice in mind, when you are approaching someone about something, what is the end goal that you have in mind?

And are you conveying your thoughts from your core or are you getting lost amongst your own branches?

We’re trees in a forest

It’s near impossible for us to understand every single branch, root, leaf and flower that make up each other’s trees. Especially on social media, we rarely have the full picture behind someone’s comment. Perhaps they’ve just received devastating news; had a terrible day; or spent long hours debating this issue with someone in another group.

Maybe, like my mom, they’re processing more personal experiences with inequality and suddenly feeling acutely aware of the differences between them and even their closest loved ones.

When a comment or response stings, it can be helpful to step away and take a few breaths. To come back to your “trunk”.

Regardless of who we are, or what we believe in, it is important to remember that our end goal is still to harmonise and synchronise with one another. If we did not care we would not be talking at all, and things would never have escalated in the first place.

Going into any conversation, especially around sensitive topics, it’s really important that you understand the core of your opinion or decision.

Our challenge is to stay informed and to keep engaging with the topics that we are passionate about, without losing sight of the big change we want to see.

How about you? How do you find calm and purpose when events fire up your emotions? Let us know in the comments.

About Samantha

Animal lover | Food grower | Self taught chef

Samantha McNeill is One of many’s resident digital support queen, helping us share our programs, trainings and free resources effectively, efficiently and with ease. She’s a devoted pet mom to a small menagerie of rescue dogs and cats, loves geeking out on statistics and analytics, and makes a mean veggie curry. She’s a transplant from the US currently living in Hampshire, where she dreams of one day creating a sustainable farm.