One of Many

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Can women leaders be true to themselves?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The trouble with deciding to be “true to yourself” as a leader, is that first you have to know which self to choose. You in the car doing a one-woman karaoke version of a song you don’t actually know all the words to? Might not wash with the senior leaders who need to really respect your authority. You having a meltdown as you wrangle your kid back to bed fourteen hundredth time? Probably not the most diplomatic persona to bring to a tense meeting with a team member. And yet the version of ourselves we do often choose to show up as can feel just as narrow a way to contain all of who you are. So how can women leaders be true to themselves?

You contain many selves

We all contain a blend of personalities, whether or not we’re conscious of them. Some of them might be “inherited” from people in your life, maybe from when you were growing up. A strict teacher’s phrases might ring in your ears when you write important documents. Or your granny’s no-nonsense words might fortify you when you’re overthinking a decision.

Some of them have arisen from your own experiences, or just evolved with you over time. And they’re not always incredibly helpful.

For example, you might recognise some of these common personalities:

  • The people pleaser, who’s always trying to keep everyone happy
  • The worrier, expert in foreseeing the absolute worst-case scenario
  • The inner critic, never happy with the standard round here
  • The rebel, who thinks you can stick your spreadsheets where the sun doesn’t shine
  • The dreamer, who…. sorry, what were you saying? I’d drifted off

From a psychological perspective, then, deciding to simply be “true to yourself” doesn’t quite wash. And there’s something else to bear in mind.

Society shapes (some of) who you are

The second thing to think about when it comes to being “true to yourself” is the impact society has on our actions and identities.

For example, research shows that, in the workplace, women are far more likely to offer to do non-promotable tasks. These are defined as tasks which “benefit the organization but likely don’t contribute to someone’s performance evaluation and career advancement.” (Think: organizing the office party, or taking minutes at a meeting).

In a Harvard Business Review study, researchers found that

“Although neither men nor women really want to volunteer for thankless tasks, women volunteer more, are asked to volunteer more, and accept requests to volunteer more than men. These differences do not appear to result from gender differences in preferences, but rather from a shared understanding that women will volunteer more than men.”

When a job’s identified, the group are asked to volunteer to do it, and that slightly awkward silence descends on the meeting? Women are far more likely to be the ones to sigh and raise our hands.

This kind of cultural conditioning is a tricky thing to navigate. After all, if we’ve been raised to be helpful, and the expectation is that we’re going to offer a hand if one’s needed, you could say it’s being “true to yourself” to volunteer.

But unconscious gender stereotyping like this is harmful. It plays a big part in the gender pay gap and the lack of women in senior leadership positions. And it relies on our tendency to have absorbed stereotypes like being helpful, pleasing people, and being “good” – which can be to our detriment.

Superwoman to the rescue!

So we’re more likely to volunteer to help out with “thankless” tasks at work. And we’re also more likely to be doing more of the day to day household tasks at home.

A Goldman Sachs report reported statistics from the US Bureau of Labor Statistics showing that

“over the past 15 years, significantly more women than men have spent time on household activities on a daily basis (84% of women vs 65% of men). And the women who engaged in these activities each day spent about 25% more time doing so than the men who engaged in them.”

The solution? Enter, Superwoman.

Superwoman is the archetype of our times. She doesn’t bat an eyelid at all these extra responsibilities. In fact, she also has several productive hobbies, eight children, a regular Pilates practice, a sex life that would make you blush and still finds time to let her hair down with the girls at the weekend.

Sleep? Who needs it!

It’s easy to laugh but when it comes to piling on the commitments, you’ve probably been guilty of going a bit too heavy on the multitasking yourself from time to time.

Conference calls while cooking dinner… business books on holiday… emails on the phone while you’re at the playground.

Ring any bells?

When we’re in Superwoman mode we can often feel like we’re being “true to ourselves”, or at least trying to be.

We’re endeavouring to live up to the idea we have of the perfect wife… mother… manager… friend.

But Superwoman only lasts for so long, before the cracks begin to show.

Burnout is the price we pay for ignoring the need to bring more of ourselves to the table. And when we burn out, we really do get to be ourselves. Just not as the leaders we’d imagined we’d be.

It’s tough. It’s avoidable. And for many of us it’s the wake up call we need to do things differently.

Is there another way?

Being true to yourself requires honesty.

So showing up as yourself isn’t as simple as just letting it all hang out, uncensored. There’s a bit more work involved.

Find out who you are

Beneath all the different roles you play in your life, what makes you tick? What gets you excited? What do you love to do, and what would you like to never do again?

A daily journaling practice is a great way to start when it comes to discovering who you are.

It might feel a little awkward at first – like hanging out with an acquaintance you’ve only just met. Keep going. Even if at first, you’re just writing “I don’t know what to write” or “I don’t know who I am” over and over again.

At some point, you’ll find your voice and the words will begin to flow.

Work through what’s holding you back

When you’re starting to show up as a leader without putting on a “mask”, it also requires that you deal, at least to some extent, with what’s going on in the rest of your life.

If you’re a raging ball of fury at home, snapping at your partner and roaring at your kids, it’s probably safe to say your team might not want to see you let your guard down.

Finding a coach to work with, or exploring a program like BePowerful, can help you safely explore the different aspects of yourself. When you’ve got a handle on any issues that are keeping you from relaxing into your unique self, you’ll find shining as yourself comes far more easily.

Allow yourself to change

Women are, by our natures, cyclical beings. We’re not the same, monotonous robots day in and day out (OK, I know men aren’t either – but you get my drift).

The Women’s PowerTypes™ are the 5 leadership archetypes we use to harness the very different energies we all contain – from cool, decisive Queen to fiery Warrioress.

The PowerTypes are the key to allowing yourself to embrace very different aspects of yourself without sacrificing your effectiveness as a leader. In fact, when you’re able to track your natural flow of energy you can consciously step into the right PowerType at any time – giving you access to a well of energy and leadership power that’s unstoppable.

If you’re committed to being true to yourself as a leader, that also means being aware that you’re going to change. You’re going to make mistakes. But you’ll also have more of an impact than you ever could staying stuck in one, narrow version of your glorious self.

In the words of Brené Brown,

“Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be; embrace who you are.”

More than just a snappy quote, becoming yourself as a leader is a process. But if we’re going to build a different world, it’s a challenge I think it’s high time we rose to.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: Why are resolutions so hard to keep?

By

Sara Price

Sara Price

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author.
Sara Price

Latest posts by Sara Price (see all)

As I write this, it’s January. A new year. And a time when many of us are promising ourselves that this year will be different. This year, we will stick to the diet / never smoke again / learn to play the guitar / travel more / be kinder…

Our good intentions are endless and, to paraphrase Mark Twain, the odds are that we will spend the rest of the year paving the road to Hell with them.

A few weeks in, how are you getting on? Is your enthusiasm waning? Are you making little deals with yourself?

I’ll start again on Monday…
I didn’t mean I wouldn’t drink at all, just Monday to Thursday…
One cigarette won’t hurt and then I’m really going to quit…

Let’s be honest, have you ever made a resolution and stuck to it right through to the end of the year?

Why are resolutions so hard to keep?

Maybe the clue is in the word. We define resolute as

“To be admiringly purposeful and determined, unwavering, adamant”

Who can keep that up? It sounds exhausting and just the sort of stage that Superwoman likes to strut about on. Woe betide anyone who can’t keep up… anyone who is less than “admirable”!

It seems to me that we are setting ourselves up to fail. We’ve adopted an approach that may fit with our cultural paradigm of drive, competition and dogged determination but is at odds with how we feel when we’re anticipating change.

Change can be decidedly anxiety-inducing. We often feel uncertain, nervous or ill at ease when we’re planning changes to our habits and our lives because it doesn’t matter whether the change is for the better, we’re used to what we know.

Taking a step into a new way of being can feel like a leap into the unknown and it’s unlikely we will be ‘unwavering and adamant’.

So, if resolutions are so hard to keep, is there a better way?

A more effective way to make resolutions

Our resolutions are often defined by society’s or our family’s expectations and determined by what others want or have suggested. There is no surer way to set yourself up to fail than to make a commitment that fits with someone else’s vision of your life.

Step one: get in touch with your own vision.

Stand in your power and dream the next 12 months into being.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are on your way to a party on 31 December 2019. You’re excited to see friends and family and share with them all the joy of the twelve months that have just passed. And as you get ready to leave and look back over the year, what are the highlights? What are the key moments that you want to share?

Now come back to the present.

What do you need to do to bring those moments to life this year?

Step two: Choose joy

Our resolutions are often focussed on things that we ‘should or shouldn’t’ do. These are words I have banned from my vocabulary. You won’t find joy in going through the motions out of a sense of obligation or duty – there is enough of that in life already.

Instead, I suggest you make resolutions that will ‘spark joy’ and act as a wonderful counter-balance to some of life’s inevitable drudgery.

It might be something you’ve always wanted to do but never tried; a place you’ve always wanted to visit; a new skill you’ve always wanted to master.

Here are some of the joy-filled resolutions that I, and my clients, have made over the years to inspire you.

Feel free to borrow any that spark joy in you:

  • To visit Las Vegas
  • To swim in the ocean every month
  • To learn archery
  • To visit a castle every other month
  • To start a book club with my closest friends
  • To learn Italian
  • To drive along the North Coast 500 in Scotland
  • To finally say ‘yes’ and marry my true love
  • To quit my job and retrain as a coach
  • To take a sabbatical of at least three months and rest until I’m well again
  • To have a party every season
  • To make 6 new friends
  • To stop keeping clothes for ‘best’ and wear something sparkly every day

Step three: Ask if now is the right time to make resolutions

And, of course, you could decide not to make any resolutions at all in January. Winter is a time for bedding down and returning to the earth.

Enjoy the feeling of being rooted and settled, take the time to think and to replenish yourself before Spring when the sap is rising and it may feel more natural to make changes.

When you’re ready to start thinking about change, it’s worth considering getting away from your usual haunts and habitat. Despite its modern meaning, the word resolution actually comes from a late Middle English word meaning to loosen or release.

So, release yourself from everyday triggers and learned habits. Loosen your mind to wonder and dream.

In your dreams, you already know what you want.

In your dreams, you already know what intentions to set.

In your dreams, you already know how to get to that wonderful place that you’re going to.

Perhaps it’s time to resolve less and dream more.

About Sara Price

The Knitting, Baby-whispering Karaoke queen!

Sara is a One of Many coach, a mentor and one of the first cohort of certified One of Many trainers. In addition, Sara is Founding Partner of one of London’s leading communications agencies (Pagefield) and is authoring a book entitled ‘How to Actually Change the World’.

Sara has teamed up with physiotherapist/Pilates instructor Jo Turner and nutritionist/hormone specialist Nicki Williams to create a unique women’s retreat experience in Umbria, Italy.

The ‘What’s Next’ retreat will take place from 23–29th June 2019.

For more information and for an exclusive One of Many 10% discount on this retreat, please see our webpage https://www.real-retreats.com/what-s-next-itinerary or email realretreats@gmail.com

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Why can’t I just relax and enjoy life?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’re reading this, you’re probably lucky enough to have a fridge full of food, a computer and an internet connection, and a level of comfort and luxury that vast numbers of women in the world would long for. And yet, for many of us, being able to actually relax and enjoy life feels like an impossible challenge. (Which we promptly feel more guilty about…).

A famous 2009 study, “the paradox of female unhappiness” showed that women reported their levels of happiness to be declining overall, even as they gained equality and economic power during the 1970s. So if you’re feeling unsure about how to get some joy back into your life, perhaps it’s reassuring to know you’re not alone.

Finding happiness: where to start

If you’re struggling to find any motivation at all, or feel that you’re in need of extra support, it might be time to get some more tailored help. Chat to your doctor or give the office a call if you think you need support beyond the simple tips I’m going to share now.

But if you’re just feeling a little flat, and would love to get your “mojo” for life back, these 5 questions can make a real difference.

After all, finding out what makes you happy and discovering ways to bring more joy into your life wasn’t on the curriculum for most of us at school. And the archetype of “Superwoman” – the mode so many of us find ourselves trapped in – is characterised by a constant state of striving towards the next (often unattainable) goal.

So what’s the answer? Here are 5 quick questions to ask yourself if being able to relax and enjoy life is something you’d love to know the trick to.

1. Are you playing to your strengths?

When it comes to how you spend your time – at work, with your family, or with friends, are you the proverbial square peg in a round hole? Perhaps you’re a creative free-thinker, and yet your role in your team has you cracking the whip to meet deadlines and tick boxes. Or you crave security, and yet are stuck on the freelance rollercoaster, desperate for some consistency in your income and your workload.

For high achieving women, the tendency is often to blame ourselves if we’re not happy. We think we need to work harder or adopt new habits. But it may simply be that you’d be more in flow, feel more valued and in control, and find everything easier, if you were doing activities that suited you better.

Knowing your strengths is the first step here. When you understand what makes you tick, you’ll find it far easier to make decisions about what might be beneficial to change.

2. Are you being too hard on yourself?

Perhaps you’re pretty sure your work is a good fit for you. In fact, it might be something you’re so passionate about that it’s starting to be a problem – when you find you can’t switch off and nothing you do feels like it’s enough.

Feeling constantly inadequate is a sure symptom of Superwoman. The truth is, we’re all human, and there are limits to what we’re able to achieve. High standards aren’t a problem per se, but if your expectations are unrealistic you’re setting yourself up for exhaustion, overwork and even burnout.

Talking through what’s on your plate with a coach, peer or trusted friend can be a good way to gauge if you’re overstretching yourself. Or try writing out a big list of everything you’re aiming to achieve in the next month or so. Is it realistic? Does it leave time for you to rest and replenish your energy? Be honest – creating a more achievable framework might radically reduce the pressure you feel.

3. Are you building in time to relax?

We often need more rest than we think. And one of the key ways to make sure that rest is as effective as possible is by paying attention to your natural energy cycles. If you’re menstruating, that might mean scheduling in extra downtime around your period. And if you don’t have a menstrual cycle, you’ll probably still notice an ebb and flow of your energy at different times.

Whether it’s as simple as taking a walk after lunch or getting an early night the day before a breakfast meeting, paying attention to the rest you need and allowing the time you need to replenish your energy can pay dividends.

Fresh air, movement, time to connect – the exact replenishment you need will vary. The key is to make time to ask yourself what you need – and then do it.

4. Do you have the support you need?

Good relationships lift you up and support you. In the words of Michelle Obama:

“Good relationships feel good. They feel right. They don’t hurt. They’re not painful. That’s not just with somebody you want to marry, but it’s with the friends you choose. It’s with the people you surround yourself with.”

If the friends you spend time with, the people you follow on social media or the team you work with are draining, unkind or just not aligned with your values, it’s bound to feel challenging. Our online community is a great place to connect with likeminded women – or perhaps there’s a local group you could meet with in person. From sport to knitting to personal development, there are countless groups where you might find the support you really need. Get that warm support in place, and you might find your outlook begins to change.

5. How can you bring more pleasure into your life?

I’m a big fan of “bridging rituals” – ways of marking the transition from one way of being to another. For example, taking a walk round the garden on my way to my home office; pulling an inspirational “goddess card” to set an intention, or having a bath to relax at the end of a long day.

Part of the function of these rituals is to act as a marker that I’m shifting from one energy to another. Perhaps I’ve been having a difficult conversation with a team member, or been deep in a financial meeting where we’re making projections for the future, and it’s time for me to transition into “Mum” mode. Or I might have been down on the floor playing Lego with my son, and now it’s time for me to spend some quality time with my husband outside of our work and family responsibilities. These little rituals help make me more effective and present in each of the different activities that make up my day.

But the other thing they do is act as small mindful moments. They’re pleasurable things in themselves – a scented candle, the fresh air of the garden, a delicious bath.

There’s no rule that says life has to be difficult or boring. If you’re finding it hard to relax, ask yourself what small pleasures you can bring into your day. Could you get some photos of happy times printed and framed, to brighten up your desk? Buy yourself some gorgeous stationery to brighten tedious admin tasks? Or find an inspiring podcast or audiobook to make a long commute something you look forward to?

Want more help to enjoy life?

Knowing how to make life more fun starts with knowing who you are: what lights you up, what feels natural and easy, and what challenges, blocks or frustrates you.

Your Women’s PowerTypes Profile™ is a personalised report into your unique balance of PowerTypes and the insight it brings is remarkable. It can help you:

  • Get clarity on your motivations, reactions, and natural strengths – why you behave the way you do (and why that varies in different situations)
  • “Change the channel” and choose a fresh approach whenever you encounter a new challenge – one that feels good
  • Step away from triggers, flare-ups and frustration without getting caught up in drama or switching off your emotions
  • Understand why other profiles or personal development tools might have felt incomplete or failed to “stick” – and what you can do differently
  • Feel more in control, relaxed, and able to express yourself fully in every area of your life

Sound good? Click here to get your report today.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How coaching is different from mentoring

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The question came up just a couple of weeks ago in our One of many coaches group. One of our certified coaches had been approached by a colleague to provide some support – only, was it coaching they wanted, or mentoring? It got me reflecting on just how coaching is different from mentoring and why it’s so important that we get that distinction right.

Why we need to know how coaching is different from mentoring

At first glance, it might not seem like a massively important distinction. After all, if you’re looking to make progress in your career and need some wise counsel from someone else to do that, does it really matter what label you stick on it?

But there are lots of reasons why it’s really crucial that the distinction is clear from the outset of any relationship like this. Here are just 3:

  • Trust: Coaching and mentoring have different expectations around things like confidentiality and the scope of each session. It’s vital that both parties understand what’s being asked for – and offered – before they take part.
  • Payment: Coaching is a professional undertaking which usually requires payment. In many, though not all, professions mentoring is something offered for free by more senior individuals. For obvious reasons this is an area that it’s very important to have clarity around from the start!
  • Training: If you’re working with a coach, it’s reasonable to expect a certain level of professional training or significant experience; a mentor might not have formal training, but there will likely be certain pre-requisites of taking on this role.

Without clarity in these areas, any relationship can quickly become strained.

So how is coaching different from mentoring – and what should you be clear about from the start?

Here are 5 key areas the two can differ in – and some questions to ask before you start.

1. Coaching and mentoring have different goals

Typically, a coach will work with you towards an agreed goal. For example, you might want to focus on a particular ambition, like reaching a new level of financial growth in your business; getting clarity on your purpose; or improving a specific relationship, with your partner or your children for example. Within an organization, a coach might support you to reach a specific sales target or quarterly goal.

The purpose of mentoring is likely to be slightly different. Mentors tend to be more focused around career growth, often looking at a result that which the person mentoring has already achieved. They might support you with developing your leadership, managing a team, or writing a book. Often (though not always) the goal will be less specific, and the relationship more open-ended, than a coaching one.

Questions to ask: What’s the purpose of this relationship? How will we know when we get there? At what points will we review that goal?

2. Coaching and mentoring require different training

One of many coach Jane Lewis noted this important distinction:

“Generally a mentor is an expert in your mutual field; usually more expert and often better connected than you. A coach may know much or nothing about your field. Typically a mentor may be more directive BUT both – if they are any good- will demonstrate devoted listening skills, and great questioning ability.”

Jane’s touched on an important point here, which is that good mentors and coaches often have overlapping skills and even experience – both may be successful, good listeners, and have an aptitude for helping others to grow.

However, coaching is a distinct skillset in itself, and one which can be trained in specifically. Coaches use specific tools to help activate growth and empower you to take control of a particular area of growth.

A mentor, on the other hand, may simply be able to provide advice through virtue of their experience so far. That can be just as valuable, so long as you’re clear about what they can and can’t offer.

Questions to ask: What training have you completed? What kinds of strategies have you used to help other people? Will you be using these tools to help me reach my goal?

3. Coaching and mentoring cost different amounts

This is one of the most important differences to be clear on from the start, whether you are the person being coached or the one giving the support!

The expectations of mentorship vary greatly in different professions and organizations. In some, senior roles come with the expectation that mentoring less experienced colleagues is part of the equation. In others, mentorship is considered something to be paid for.

Coaching, by contrast, is more often expected to be paid for – if not by the person receiving it, then by the organization who have arranged the coaching. If you’re at all unsure then make sure you ask this question clearly.

And if you’re the person charging for the sessions, then needless to say you must make certain you have the clear understanding and agreement of the person you’re coaching before you begin.

Questions to ask: What is the expectation around payment? If I’m paying, what is included in the cost?

4. Coaching and mentoring take place over different timescales

There are no hard and fast rules here. But mentoring is more likely to be an open-ended or fluctuating arrangement, whereas coaching packages often last for a set length of time, and have sessions of a fixed length – typically one hour.

You might meet every quarter with a mentor to receive “big picture” advice on your career, and fortnightly with your coach for specific support around a goal.

Or a mentor might invite you to stop in for a quick chat whenever you have a query, or want to get their thoughts on a project, whereas your coach might set you tasks to complete in between fixed sessions.

Whichever is true for you, be sure to ensure that you leave space to review the arrangement, so that everyone’s clear about what will happen if things change, and when you’re finished working together.

Questions to ask: How many sessions will we have? How long will they last for? How will we know when it’s time to finish working together?

5. Coaching and mentoring ask different things of you

Coaching often involves significant transformation. It requires a level of trust on the part of both parties and a real commitment to growth on the part of the person being coached.

Mentoring, on the other hand, can be more about developing your skills within a specific profession. While calling on you to grow, there may be less of a personal growth focus and more attention paid to your abilities in practice.

Questions to ask: What’s expected of me in this relationship? What can I expect of you? What do we think will be the outcome of our work together?

Every relationship is unique

Mentoring and coaching are both hugely valuable processes – and both are relationships based on trust. As you can tell, although there are “rules of thumb” when it comes to expectations there are key areas where they can overlap, and so it’s really important to make sure expectations on both sides are clear before you start.

If you find yourself providing advice or guidance to other women, and are keen to develop your skills and gain clarity around how you can best support them, then take a look at the free online training:

“The Secret to Coaching Women: This Controversial Approach Will Transform the Results You Get With Your Team, Your Clients and Yourself.”

Click here to register and we’ll email you full details to access it.

It contains what I’ve found to be the “missing piece” of most coaching methodologies – and whether you’re a coach, manager or leader I think you’ll find the tools I share really helpful.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: Behind the mask of perfect motherhood

By

Danusia Malina-Derben

Danusia Malina-Derben is a serial entrepreneur and straight-talking consultant advising Boards and C suite clients on their Strategic leadership.

She is also founder of School For Mothers – an inspirational movement modernising motherhood one ambitious mother at a time.

She is mother of ten children including ‘her last baby’, triplets of five years old. Find out more at www.schoolformothers.com.

Latest posts by Danusia Malina-Derben (see all)

This is a guest blog by Danusia Malina-Derben.

“How DO you do it?”

This question requires an answer. It’s the missing piece of a puzzle that strikes the mind of many women I meet, especially when they learn I’m a mother of ten as well as an entrepreneur. I meet hundreds, possibly thousands as I speak all over.

The answers I could give identify my choices, how I see myself and therefore how the world might see me. And I don’t know how often I am asked this question, but I do know if I had a £1 for every time I’d be a wealthy woman, for sure.

The One Woman Conference: Taking off the mask

At the One of many One Woman Conference I was asked that question maybe 30 times in one music pumping, celebratory wisdom-fuelled, central London half-day. I didn’t attend the whole two day affair but I suspect those who did walked on air because of the high octane input.

The One of many panel discussion I took part in moved all of us in the room that day. Tears were shed as Meenal Sachdev shared about sickening child trafficking and slavery.

We were stirred by Dr Eve Hepburn and Elaine Wilkin’s mental health struggles that birthed incredible projects to support young women and those suffering with ME and Fibromyalgia. So when it came to me, in a way, all I felt I could offer was myself.

My voice, fully human, with frailties, brimming with belief for us all as we forge forward.

That’s not to suggest I don’t acknowledge the impact of my consulting work at C-suite level. It also doesn’t mean that I’m somehow shying from visibility or self-appreciation. It’s the very opposite.

It’s because I know my worth that I’m willing to be myself and show up as a remarkable-ordinary-accomplished-messy woman. It’s crucial for those of us invited onto panels and keynote giving sessions, to crack the myth of seamless life: That we wake up glossed and groomed, embodying serenity.

Breaking the myth of perfection

Let me give you a live example of my route to the conference to demonstrate this.

Having driven from the Brighton coast more than half an hour away to avoid the weekend replacement bus system I discovered the train station car park was closed. The guy at the car park was disinterested in sharing where cars could park. I mentioned I hadn’t a clue about the area and couldn’t miss my train. Gesticulating across a maddeningly complex road system he smiled and said, “Good luck, love”.

I called my eldest daughter and had what can only be described as a mini meltdown. Drama isn’t one of my life’s side dishes, yet somehow I leant full into histrionics. Did I mention the torrential rain?

As I made my way back to the station, my carefully chosen conference outfit – ankle boots, bare legs, backpack and flashy dress – proved quite the combo, as it garnered white van driver beeps. I was not amused. The trek to the train left my dress sodden, and composure deserted me.

From Victoria I had one last mission to accomplish before taking my place on the One of many stage. It was allegedly an easy task but one I managed to make an almighty ‘cock-up’ of. My assignment was to locate House of Fraser and present myself to a make-up whizz at the Mac counter. I’ve forgotten to mention my face was cleansed bare.

Being a navi-guesser rather than a navigator (despite using my iPhone with map) I circled around the station in several directions. Cue another meltdown and accompanying wobbly lower lip.

The superb assistant at Mac declared me a woman of great joie-de-vivre energetically, while slapping on far more product than I ever would have chosen. Internally I was almost beside myself as she slowly tried out strobe creams, blushers and the like. I all but ran from the shop, accosted a postman for directions and made the hotel with about 3 minutes to spare. A swift throw on of tights in a cramped loo by reception left me stage ready. Just.

The minor tribulations of my morning served to test me. They also allowed me to sit before an audience of 500 amazing women with humility uppermost in my soul. I can take my mission and purpose in life seriously, but certainly not myself.

How do I do it? 3 tips

When women ask me how I do it, truthfully I can tell them. Along the way, I’ve learned a thing or two about how I can make the difference I am here to make without finding myself swallowed up in logistics, doubts or trying to do it all.

Three of my most treasured tried-and-tested tactics are:

1. Ask for help.

I’m never too proud to admit when I need extra support so I can direct my energy where it’s most needed. From childcare to helpful postmen, I wouldn’t have been made it to the One of many stage were it not for the people I asked to support me along the way. We can do anything we want to – but we can’t do it all ourselves.

2. Let go of perfection

My face might not have been how I wanted it. I could have done with catching an earlier train. There are countless things, every day, I could do differently. But none of the women in the audience were there to judge my makeup skills, and showing up matters more to me than conforming to a timetable. I choose to focus on what matters, forgive myself for the mistakes I make along the way, and let go of the rest.

3. Go with the flow

Life’s too short to spend time wishing reality was different. “If only…” is a dangerous phrase – and it can stop women in their tracks, who tell themselves they’d love to make a real impact… but they have kids, or they’ve been out of the workplace too long, or a myriad of other reasons. I’ve longed for a simple life as much as the next woman, but the truth is I wouldn’t really exchange the glorious complexity of balancing family life – while trusting I can still have an impact – for the world.

In part that’s why I’ve founded School for Mothers (SFM). Because I DO know how mothers can retain and grow themselves as women of great talent and impact, while at the same time raising happy families.

Sadly though we’ve a global epidemic of exhausted overwhelmed mothers with many (often secret) wishes and ambitions for themselves. These same women are struggling to navigate selfhood and motherhood without monumental tension. We’ve all been fed lies that it’s either our children, or ourselves that can flourish.

So I’m calling time on archaic outgrown models of motherhood and instead heading a movement to modernise this. It’s exciting, it’s needed, and mothers are joining together for ourselves, and future generations.

Go ahead, ask me again how I do it because I’ll tell you it’s messy. I’ll tell you it’s only make-up deep and always about a daily emotional surf ride. And I’ll also tell you things are on the change for Mothers.

If you’d like to hear more about this, our first one-day event, SFM Live, lands in London on 17th November. Click here to find out more. Because one thing’s for sure, we’re in this together. It would be so good to share this day with you.

About Danusia Malina-Derben

The Straight-talking Consultant and Mother Of Ten!

Danusia Malina-Derben is a serial entrepreneur and straight-talking consultant advising Boards and C suite clients on their Strategic leadership.

She is also founder of School For Mothers – an inspirational movement modernising motherhood one ambitious mother at a time.

She is mother of ten children including ‘her last baby’, triplets of five years old. Find out more at www.schoolformothers.com.

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When you feel like you’re failing

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Do you ever feel like a total failure? Whether it’s messing up as a mum or dropping the ball on a key work target, when you feel like you’re failing it can be tough to pick yourself up and keep going.

And yet failure can actually be an incredibly powerful tool for growth. What makes the difference is how you look at it – and what you allow the experience to teach you.

Here are 5 ways to rethink failure

1. Are you really failing at all?

Successful women have a tendency to be really hard on ourselves. We have high standards, sure, but sometimes wanting to do things well can tip into “Superwoman” mode.

Superwoman doesn’t just set the bar high, she demands nothing less than perfection – even when it’s impossible.

If you’ve just got back from a fraught day at work, supported a team member who’s going through a really difficult divorce, met some vital deadlines, and cooked yourself a healthy meal – are you really a failure because you didn’t make it to the gym?

If your failure stems from being worn out, depleted or burnt out, it’s time to take care of yourself.

Delegate. Order a takeway. Get an early night. The world won’t end, I promise. And once you’re in a better place, get realistic about everything you’ve been doing. Perhaps it’s a case of managing your own expectations, rather than writing yourself off as a hopeless case.

But let’s say you’ve rested, nourished yourself, and it’s still there in black and white: you’ve failed at something you set out to do. What then? Time for step two…

2. What have you learned about what you CAN do?

Arianna Huffington is a roaring success by most people’s standards, and she’s been really open about the mistakes and missteps she’s made along the way. In a 2013 interview she explained how she consciously frames failure in a way that allows her to grow and take risks.

“In own life, a key component of whatever successes I’ve had has been what I’ve learned from my failures. When I ran for governor of California in 2003, it was a failure—but I learned a tremendous amount about the power of the internet.

I also learned a lot about myself, about communicating, being able to touch people’s hearts and minds, and listening. All the things that were ingrained in me during the campaign definitely had an impact in forming Huffington Post.”—Inc, 2013

Almost every failure contains some lessons about what you can do well. Maybe your first foray into event planning was a total bust. Turned out you’d forgotten some key details, totally underestimated the catering, and felt super stressed all day.

On the other hand, you might have loved the process of spreading the word about the meetup, sharing on social media, and planning the overall theme of the event.

What does that tell you about where your strengths are? What can you choose to focus on as you move forward?

3. What have you learned about what you can let go of?

The other big lesson “failures” can teach us is that we’re on the wrong path. It’s easy to get sucked into an idealistic version of what a new thing might be like.

Take starting a business – if you’re in the corporate world it might seem like a dream come true to be able to set your own hours, choose your clients and have full control over your income.

And yet when you do set out on your own, there are all sorts of other realities. The loneliness of working from home when you’re used to being surrounded by colleagues. The responsibility of setting your own strategy and targets, and then having to make sure everything gets done – from accounts to tech support. The lack of boundaries between work and the rest of your life.

Failure is a wonderful opportunity to find out if it’s time to adjust and find a different course. And the relief of deciding “that’s not for me”, instead of beating yourself up for not being instantly great at something, really is priceless.

4. What’s this failure making space for?

This mindset shift is a really powerful one.

One thing I’ve learned about failure is this: you can trust in life that if the thing you hoped hasn’t worked out like you planned, it’s usually because life has something much bigger and better in store.

When you take action, you begin to build connections and flow in an infinite number of ways. You become visible, you connect to new and different opportunities, and you strengthen your ability to take action, try things out, and make changes.

To take that last example, maybe you decide that self-employment isn’t for you. But when you started your business, you went to a bunch of networking events and met some really interesting people. One of them reaches out to you via LinkedIn because they’ve got the perfect opportunity for you in an organization you’d never heard of before then.

Failure isn’t an end point. It’s a door to something different – and you have to move through it if you’re going to get there. Which leads me to a question you might not have thought about before.

5. How can you celebrate this failure?

When you’re stinging from criticism, or churning over a mistake again and again in your mind, celebrating what’s gone wrong might be the furthest thing from your mind.

But overcoming failure is often a major precursor to our greatest successes. The only way to avoid failure is never to try anything new; never to step outside what’s comfortable and easy. And that’s never going to allow you to make the difference you’re here to make in the world.

“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. Doing what you’re afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that – that’s what life is. You might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that’s really special and if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. Now you know something about yourself”

― Amy Poehler

Whether you’ve learned something about what you love to do, or just gained some incredible clarity about what you’ll never attempt again, celebrate the fact that you tried. You’ve learned. And instead of saying safe, you’ve put yourself out there into the world. If that’s not worth celebrating, I don’t know what is.

What’s your relationship with failure?

How do you feel about failure? Are you pretty comfortable picking yourself up and getting back on track, or does the prospect of failure leave you paralysed? Let us know in the comments below – I have a hunch this is a bigger fear than a lot of us admit, and I’d love to know your take.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Mindfulness: where to start

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Mindfulness is the practice of bringing awareness to the present moment, or what is actually happening. It can be easier said than done – most of us spend a lot of our time either processing what has happened in the past, or projecting and planning the future. Here are some tips if you’re curious about mindfulness: where to start, how to come back to being mindful if you find yourself caught up in old patterns, and why it can be such a powerful practice.

Why mindfulness?

Mindfulness has been practiced for thousands of years and forms an important part of the Buddhist tradition, where it takes the form of meditation. Other common ways to experience mindfulness include yoga, mindful eating, classes, and online courses and apps. Since the 1970s, it’s been increasingly used within Western medicine as a way to reduce stress, anxiety and depression.

In the UK, mindfulness combined with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is currently recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) for the prevention of relapse in recurrent depression.

Many people have reported that mindfulness has helped reduce stress and anxiety and enabled them to cope better with the demands of their busy lives.

In the words of our Head Coach Annie Stoker, mindfulness is

“A tool to become totally aware in the present moment, feel radically alive and completely open to your own experience. Not only can life become more vivid, enjoyable and interesting, but mindfulness also brings the opportunity for profound healing of unhelpful mental and emotional patterns.”

Mindfulness: Where to start?

If you’re curious about mindfulness, and how it could have an impact on your life, it’s important to remember that mindfulness is most effective when it’s used as a practice: something you do regularly, ideally daily, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time.

If you’re someone who tends to dive into new ideas you might be tempted to sign up for a week-long retreat, or commit to an hour of mindfulness every morning at dawn. Those things can be great, but can be hard to keep up over the long term, which is how you’ll receive the best benefit.

Here are three ways to start introducing mindfulness into your life.

1. Start with a plan

If mindfulness is a practice you’ve been thinking about trying, start by planning how you’re going to incorporate it into your day.

Like exercise, mindfulness isn’t something that will create lasting change overnight, so think about how you could realistically include it in your life.

Are there particular times when you know you’ll be able to create the space to change into a different mindset?

Here are some ideas for how to bring mindfulness into your day:

  • Get up slightly earlier each day and practice mindfulness in the quiet of the morning
  • If you make a regular journey, like a commute or school pickup, commit to spending some time being mindful at the beginning or end
  • Practice mindful eating for a meal, snack or cup of tea each day
  • Give yourself a few moments of mindfulness before you go to bed
  • Instead of listening to music or podcasts, try incorporating mindfulness into your regular exercise routine: walking, running or yoga

2. Be consistent, not perfect

A lot of us have the impression that the “perfect” way to be mindful involves smiling peacefully to yourself as you connect to your inner sense of zen.

Well, sometimes that can be the case – but mindfulness is an invitation to connect to the present moment and really become aware of what you’re experiencing, both in your body and your mind. Which, unless you’re some kind of saint, won’t always be calm and serene! In fact, you might be experiencing anxiety, sadness, anger or frustration.

The point isn’t to “fix” what you’re feeling, but to become aware of it.

So don’t be tempted to skip a session if you’re not in the ‘right’ frame of mind. The purpose of the practice is to become aware of how you are in that moment.

If you’re feeling stressed or worried, give yourself the space to pay attention to exactly how that’s showing up (hunched shoulders? churning tummy?) for the time you’ve allocated to yourself.

It’s the commitment to pausing and paying attention at moments of tension that can be the most powerful way to change our patterns.

3. Notice what changes

When you’ve started a new activity, there are two benefits to noticing how it’s impacting you: it can motivate you to continue, and it can also show you where you might want to change your approach.

If you don’t do it already, journalling first thing in the morning (“morning pages” as taught by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way) is a fantastic tool for tracking your emotions and recording how you’re doing when you make changes in your life.

Notice if after a few weeks or months mindfulness has an impact on how you’re responding to challenges or upsets, or your approach to what’s going on in your life.

Ask yourself if practicing mindfulness has felt challenging at all, and whether it’s time to make any changes.

For example:

  • Could you change the time you’re practicing? Perhaps you’re too tired at night and it would work better for you to get up a bit earlier so you can be mindful before work
  • Could you set up prompts to help you be more consistent? An alarm on your phone, or an app that might support you if you find yourself forgetting or skipping sessions?
  • Could you find support or training? A local class, coach or online group to answer questions and help overcome the feeling of ‘not doing it right’?

When you just don’t have time

If you’re thinking “I’d love to make some time to be mindful – but I barely have five minutes to myself these days” then it might be time to create some time to nourish yourself before things get too much.

BeFruitful is our signature time management program designed by women, for women – and we promise it will help you find an extra 5 hours in your week, at least. Read the full details and book your place on this life-changing training by clicking here.

Not every approach works for every woman. But unless you give it a try, you won’t know if this is a technique that might make all the difference. With the current levels of stress, anxiety and burnout in women it’s vital that we each find the ways that work best for us to maintain our wellbeing and take care of our physical and mental health.

Have you tried mindfulness? How did you get started, and do you have any tips to share with anyone who’s curious about bringing it into their lives? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Time management tools for women

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The statistics speak for themselves. In 2018, according to the UK’s biggest survey into stress and its impacts, 81% of women said they felt overwhelmed or unable to cope in the past year. (That’s compared to 67% of men). So if you’re searching for the perfect time management approach for women with too much to do and too little time to do it in, we hear you.

Staying on top of everything you’ve got on your plate is no easy task.

But all too often, the time management or productivity advice we’re given just doesn’t seem to work. Can you relate?

It’s incredibly frustrating to spend ages researching systems for getting organized and boosting productivity… only to find that the miracle new app or “revolutionary” system works for a week or two at best, before you’re frazzled and fed up once more.

The answer? It may be that the time management tools that work best for us as women require strategies that aren’t always taken into account by traditional advice.

If you’ve tried every other time management tool on the market and nothing seems to work, consider these 3 shifts to how you approach the tasks on your to-do list:

1. Stop thinking about time

One of the biggest issues with time management tools is that the clue to what they focus on is in the name: time.

It’s taken for granted that you can achieve a certain amount in a certain amount of time. So, over the course of a day, you might have 8 hours in which to complete your allotted tasks. In that case, it’s just a time of slotting them all into place… like a giant jigsaw. Right?

Not quite. At One of Many™ we’ve found it’s more helpful to focus less on the time you have available each day, and more on the energy you are able to draw on at any given time.

After all, an hour after an amazing night’s sleep, at a time of the month when you’re feeling energetic and gregarious, is going to look a whole lot different than a Friday afternoon, bloated-and-miserable hour when you’re utterly depleted and just want to crawl into bed.

If time management feels like it’s just scratching the surface, perhaps it’s time to reframe what you’re trying to achieve. Start thinking about what you need to get done not in terms of how long each task will take, but what kind of energy you need to complete it.

2. Use your cycle

When you’re looking at your tasks in terms of energy, the obvious question becomes: how can you know what energy you will have available to you, and when?

Now, there are always going to be unpredictable ebbs and flows in your energy. If you’re a parent, you never know when someone’s going to get sick, or have a bad night, and need soothing that comes at the expense of mum’s rest. There are sudden flare-ups at work, and deadlines that can leave you unexpectedly depleted – we all get sick, or have off-days from time to time.

But if you start making a note of your energy levels at different times, you’ll almost certainly start noticing a pattern or a cycle. Even if you’re not menstruating, energy tends to follow predictable waves – from the very simple pattern of having more energy early in the morning, or the classic post-lunch slump, to noticing you’re more extroverted or creative at certain times of the month.

Pay attention to your individual rhythm and you’ll likely start to see why time management tools can only work for so long. It might be that you’re enthusiastic about embracing a new system until that one week of the month when it feels as though the world’s crashing down around you. Adjust accordingly – and see what difference that makes.

3. Start saying no

This might not be what you want to hear if you’re the kind of woman who prides herself on everything she manages to get done. I get it. We want to be amazing mums, loving partners, and world changing leaders. We want to be successful and we want to make big change in our corner of the world.

But whether we’re talking about time or energy, one thing is clear: we only have a finite amount of space to do what we want to. Getting really good at discerning what you want to spend your time on, and having clear boundaries around what you don’t want to focus on, is essential if you’re going to be able to be the leader you want to be.

The bottom line is, time management is never about amassing techniques so that you can get even better at doing even more stuff that’s not important. It’s about getting crystal clear on who you are, and what your difference is to make – and getting rid of anything that actually doesn’t fulfill or serve the difference that you’re put on this planet to make.

How about you –what’s your approach to productivity and time management? Have you found tools that you love, or is there a particular aspect that’s still a challenge? Let us know in the comments below – someone else might have exactly the solution you’re looking for!

Want to get to grips with how you use your time?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or that things are getting on top of you, then you’re not alone. 81% of us find ourselves there from time to time. So if you want to find out more about this new approach to managing your time, I’d love you to join me for a free online training.

In it I share:

  • A proven way to reduce your overwhelm immediately
  • The simple technique that will allow you to set unbreakable boundaries around the activities that matter most to you
  • How you can find an extra 5 hours a week (minimum!) in your schedule – no matter how much is on your plate right now

It’s called From Frantic to Fruitful: Time and Energy secrets of really effective women You can book your space on this training for free by clicking here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to ask for help without being needy

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever got to the point of total overwhelm and exhaustion… not because you didn’t have the support around you, but because you just didn’t know how to ask for help?

I had one particularly memorable meltdown after spending the day with a new team member. Ironically, this amazing woman was someone I’d hired to take the pressure off me!

But I’d probably left it a little late to start to delegate… and by the end of a full day of training and induction, I was experiencing that “frog in boiling water” thing. You know – where you don’t realize how much the stress is building up because it increases little by little, incrementally, until you’re at breaking point.

Once I’d calmed down and looked back at all the triggers that had finally got on top of me, I realized that I’d been doing a whole lot of supporting of the others all around me, and not getting the support I needed. And I had only myself to blame.

Sound familiar?

I had a whole crew of super competent people ready to help me. But I’d fallen into the habit of thinking that I didn’t want to bother my incredibly supportive – but also incredibly busy – team with things. So I ended up doing more and more, and eventually something had to give – and that something was me.

Maybe you can relate. You might also be someone who finds it really, really hard to ask for help – even when there are plenty of people who’d be happy to give you a boost when you need it.

Why it’s hard to ask for help

Strong, independent women often share a huge fear – that of being “needy”. After all, we make things happen for ourselves.

Even if you’re not a business owner you probably do have a team, by which I simply mean people who are willing to help you out: it could be an assistant, a childminder, or even just someone who gives you a hand with the ironing once a week. It might be your best friend, your partner or your mum.

But actually asking for that help brings us into conflict with the ‘superwoman’ part of us that sees receiving help as a sign of weakness.

There’s a vulnerability that comes with asking for help that seems deep-wired into our psychology, and that can stop us from reaching out to let other people know what we need.

Perhaps you resist delegating because, deep down, you don’t trust other people to do as good a job as you do.

Or you think it’ll take just as long to teach someone else to do it… so even relatively unimportant jobs linger on your ever-growing list of things to do.

Whatever your reasons for going it alone, the bottom line is all of us have a finite amount of time. Asking for help is essential if you’re going to make the difference you want to – and avoid burnout.

Help is closer than you think

Most successful women know we need to get help. “I know I need a new PA” we tell our partners for the fourteenth time. “I should ask Helen to help me update my resume…” we muse over after work drinks.

And yet, our fear of being seen as needy and our discomfort with receiving help gets in our way. Plus, what if someone says no? In fact, you’re actually much more likely to receive the help you want than you think.

One study by Cornell University found that we underestimate the likelihood of people helping us by a whopping 48% – in other words, people are almost twice as likely to help you than you imagine.

So, deep down you’re pretty sure you need support, and you’re much more likely to get it than you imagine when you do ask. How can you get over the hump and access the help you need?

The PowerTypes answer

Here at One of many we use 5 Womens PowerTypes™ to guide us to our most powerful form of leadership. These powerful models of feminine power each have specific strengths we can draw on when we need to – and it’s the PowerType of Queen we connect to when we want to practice the art of receiving.

Think about Queen Elizabeth, receiving a brave explorer who brought her a treasure from a far off land. Did she tell him “Oh no, you shouldn’t have bothered… I couldn’t possibly accept that?”

No. She receives his gift graciously. Fully in her power, she thanks him for the trouble he has gone to – and he receives that thanks as his reward. A cycle is created, where both parties benefit.

The act of receiving help graciously is, also, a gift.

When we don’t know how to receive help gracefully, our discomfort can sabotage the arrangement we’ve made. We find some way to unravel it: we don’t say thank you to our friend for the favour they’ve done and they get upset… we hire a PA and after 3 months we stop wanting to bother them. The work piles up, and you might even doubt their competence, when in reality what’s happened is your inner superwoman has kicked in.

(Unlike the Queen, Superwoman hates asking for help, which means she’s terrible at receiving.)

If you’ve been wearing your Superwoman cape more than your crown lately, here are 4 steps to asking for help without being needy

1. Start by recognizing that help is fundamental to the success of your business, family and community

There’s a lot at stake here. Consider what you provide for your children, your relationship, your team members, your community.

The work you provide for other subcontractors and service providers.

Given all that, can you see that taking care of your wellbeing is an absolute MUST? If you are not being energetically supported, and opening it up to others, then your wellbeing diminishes, and eventually it stops. So being fully supported wherever you need is a vital part of your work in the world.

2. Be specific about how you ask

What would be most useful to you? Rather than “I need help with this presentation”, think about what would make the most difference.

Do you want someone to read through your slides, to spend an hour as you run through what you want to say, or to give you feedback on the overall message?

Do you need your PA to block out time in your diary for you to get stuck into writing, send a quick “got your message” response to someone who’s waiting for an email, or take ownership of the sales spreadsheet you’re forever behind with updating?

It’s much easier for people to give you a clear answer to a specific offer – or to refer you to someone who they know will be able to help.

And when you do ask, don’t pre-empt a no

The data is clear – we’re much more likely to get a “yes” to a request than we imagine. So don’t fall into the trap of assuming it’ll be a no, or weighing down the request by saying things like “I know this is a total pain” or “You’re probably way too busy for this…”

Try thinking about how you feel when someone asks you for a hand. Most likely, you’re happy to help out – or, if you can’t, to say a polite “no”. The same probably goes for your friends, family and colleagues.

Focus on the difference it would make in a positive way – “This would save me loads of time” or “It would really make me feel less anxious to know you were there” and you’ll help the person you’re asking feel great about saying yes too.

3. Step into your Queen – and receive graciously

When you’re in the mindset of the Queen, the help you receive is a gift. It might be a great piece of advice from your accountant, a loving hug from your partner, or the person delivering your groceries.… whenever anyone is doing something to help you out, don’t push them away. Be gracious, be serene, be open to receiving. The way you graciously receive is, in turn, a gift to the giver.

A door being opened, being helped with your luggage, some hand-me-down toys from the neighbours, a smile from a stranger – every little gift you receive activates the archetype of the queen. And the more you receive, the more you will attract gifts into your life – it’s a deeply powerful practice.

It sounds obvious, but turning around the paradigm of doing everything ourselves takes all of us to play our part. Be open about the help you need, and generous with the ways you can help other people. By modelling what it’s like to give and receive help generously, you’ll help those around you break free from superwoman too.

Want to explore the Queen further?

If you’d like to learn more about the Women’s PowerTypes™, including a full description and a playlist of music that can help you tap into the energy of the Queen, download the “Life’s Little Toolkit”. As well as our favourite resources to stop worrying and beat overwhelm, it contains a guide to the Womens PowerTypes™ and suggestions for music to help you embody each one. Click here to access your FREE Toolkit now.

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Guest blog: How to heal burnout

By

Elaine Wilkins

Elaine Wilkins

Founder at The Chrysalis Effect
Elaine Wilkins is the multi-award winning Founder and author of The Chrysalis Effect, first ever accredited training in ME, CFS and Fibro Prevention and Recovery, building an international network of experts on fatigue recovery. She is also a round table mentor for One of many. The Chrysalis Effect Online Recovery Programme for fatigue and fibromyalgia recovery is currently helping over 2600 people in 24 countries with their recovery.
Elaine Wilkins

Latest posts by Elaine Wilkins (see all)

There is a lot written about burnout and adrenal fatigue. The peak age of onset of fatigue related illness is people between the ages of 20 – 40, 82% of whom are women. Women just like you, who live busy, full lives with families and careers. Women who move out of their body and live in that headspace of tasks, responsibility and juggling time. Women who find they can’t get out of bed one day and say, ‘I just never thought it could happen to me’.

The 82% statistic only exists because we get so used to suppressing or over-riding the early warning symptoms our body sends. It signals the need for us to slow down via a headache, a feeling of overwhelm or a bloated gut. It is whispering the need to make some important changes.

It’s not just us, we get used to our friends and colleagues saying how ‘crazy busy’ they are, and how they long to stop but can’t. The biggest problem is, ‘out of balance life’ has becomes our society’s norm. Our bodies are amazing and as women we are incredibly resourceful, so we tend to adapt to problems as they arise and take on more and more. The difficulty comes when curve balls like a relationship breakdown, bereavement, financial crises or a virus hit us at a time when we have depleted our reserves.

Taking a moment to identify any physical ‘Early Warning Signs’ you might be experiencing and taking a quick glance at the checklist of the most common ‘Coping Mechanisms’ will be a useful snapshot of how you are taking care of yourself right now and whether it’s time to make some beneficial changes.

Early Warning Signs- Are you experiencing any of these regularly?

  • Headaches increasing in frequency and severity
  • Feeling stressed with normal workload
  • Sudden bouts of total exhaustion often before you are due to do something you don’t enjoy
  • Fuzzy head/poor concentration
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Sleep problems
  • Anxiety, busy racing mind
  • Bloating/ Irritable Bowel syndrome
  • Pins and needles in face
  • Unexplained pain in joints or muscles
  • Palpitations
  • Waking exhausted
  • Migraine
  • Vertigo
  • Short term memory problems
  • Poor word recall
  • ‘Jangly’ or ‘juddery’ feeling inside body
  • Struggle to cope with noise
  • Low mood
  • Tearful
  • Reaction to caffeine
  • Poor tolerance to alcohol

Coping Mechanisms – Are you using any of these to improve how you feel?

    • Caffeine
    • Energy Drinks Red Bull Lucozade/Sports Drinks
    • Alcohol
    • Anti-depressants
    • Sleeping tablets
    • Comfort eating with sugary or high fat foods
    • Screening calls to avoid having to speak to people
    • Withdrawing from social events
    • Putting on an act or brave face
    • Dishonesty about how tired or unwell you feel
    • Started a gym routine to build stamina to combat exhaustion
    • Blame external circumstances and believe you will feel better when they change
    • Take time off from work just to go to bed
    • Going to bed really early every night just to be able to get up and work
    • Expect energy levels to change on their own
    • Anti-depressants
    • Sleeping tablets
    • Loads of supplements in an ad hoc way

If you have ticked lots of boxes, it’s okay. Awareness is the Key to regaining our balance and health. You have taken your first step toward wellbeing.

Next Steps……

Gaining Clarity

1. Take some time to reflect on where you are right now and where you would love to be in terms of your health and lifestyle.

2. Notice if you dismiss what you really want, in favour of what you feel you must do.

3. Journaling is helpful to access what you been unable or anxious to voice.

Take Loving Action

Prioritise your wellbeing and seek some help and support to rebalance and rebuild your life in a way that honours your wellbeing above all else. Then you will be able to be everything you want to be in the world.

Claim Your Birth Right

Wellbeing is about feeling grounded, vibrant, and excited about your life. It’s only when we shine a light on behaviours, we may have slipped into, that we gain the perspective to take responsibility for creating our health and a life we truly love.

About Elaine Wilkins

The Yoga Retreat Reveller and Quad biking Glam-mother!

After losing her health to Chronic fatigue in 2000 Elaine had been written off as long term chronic patient because at no point did physicians look at underlying causes of her health crash. It took a 6-year journey to recovery. Her mission was set to change this.

Elaine Wilkins is the multi-award winning Founder and author of The Chrysalis Effect, first ever accredited training in ME, CFS and Fibro Prevention and Recovery, building an international network of experts on fatigue recovery. She is also a round table mentor for One of many. The Chrysalis Effect Online Recovery Programme for fatigue and fibromyalgia recovery is currently helping over 2600 people in 24 countries with their recovery. She is delighted that the first NHS GP Pilot begins in June. Find out more at www.thechrysaliseffect.co.uk