One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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Guest blog: Behind the mask of perfect motherhood

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

This is a guest blog by Danusia Malina-Derben.

“How DO you do it?”

This question requires an answer. It’s the missing piece of a puzzle that strikes the mind of many women I meet, especially when they learn I’m a mother of ten as well as an entrepreneur. I meet hundreds, possibly thousands as I speak all over.

The answers I could give identify my choices, how I see myself and therefore how the world might see me. And I don’t know how often I am asked this question, but I do know if I had a £1 for every time I’d be a wealthy woman, for sure.

The One Woman Conference: Taking off the mask

At the One of many One Woman Conference I was asked that question maybe 30 times in one music pumping, celebratory wisdom-fuelled, central London half-day. I didn’t attend the whole two day affair but I suspect those who did walked on air because of the high octane input.

The One of many panel discussion I took part in moved all of us in the room that day. Tears were shed as Meenal Sachdev shared about sickening child trafficking and slavery.

We were stirred by Dr Eve Hepburn and Elaine Wilkin’s mental health struggles that birthed incredible projects to support young women and those suffering with ME and Fibromyalgia. So when it came to me, in a way, all I felt I could offer was myself.

My voice, fully human, with frailties, brimming with belief for us all as we forge forward.

That’s not to suggest I don’t acknowledge the impact of my consulting work at C-suite level. It also doesn’t mean that I’m somehow shying from visibility or self-appreciation. It’s the very opposite.

It’s because I know my worth that I’m willing to be myself and show up as a remarkable-ordinary-accomplished-messy woman. It’s crucial for those of us invited onto panels and keynote giving sessions, to crack the myth of seamless life: That we wake up glossed and groomed, embodying serenity.

Breaking the myth of perfection

Let me give you a live example of my route to the conference to demonstrate this.

Having driven from the Brighton coast more than half an hour away to avoid the weekend replacement bus system I discovered the train station car park was closed. The guy at the car park was disinterested in sharing where cars could park. I mentioned I hadn’t a clue about the area and couldn’t miss my train. Gesticulating across a maddeningly complex road system he smiled and said, “Good luck, love”.

I called my eldest daughter and had what can only be described as a mini meltdown. Drama isn’t one of my life’s side dishes, yet somehow I leant full into histrionics. Did I mention the torrential rain?

As I made my way back to the station, my carefully chosen conference outfit – ankle boots, bare legs, backpack and flashy dress – proved quite the combo, as it garnered white van driver beeps. I was not amused. The trek to the train left my dress sodden, and composure deserted me.

From Victoria I had one last mission to accomplish before taking my place on the One of many stage. It was allegedly an easy task but one I managed to make an almighty ‘cock-up’ of. My assignment was to locate House of Fraser and present myself to a make-up whizz at the Mac counter. I’ve forgotten to mention my face was cleansed bare.

Being a navi-guesser rather than a navigator (despite using my iPhone with map) I circled around the station in several directions. Cue another meltdown and accompanying wobbly lower lip.

The superb assistant at Mac declared me a woman of great joie-de-vivre energetically, while slapping on far more product than I ever would have chosen. Internally I was almost beside myself as she slowly tried out strobe creams, blushers and the like. I all but ran from the shop, accosted a postman for directions and made the hotel with about 3 minutes to spare. A swift throw on of tights in a cramped loo by reception left me stage ready. Just.

The minor tribulations of my morning served to test me. They also allowed me to sit before an audience of 500 amazing women with humility uppermost in my soul. I can take my mission and purpose in life seriously, but certainly not myself.

How do I do it? 3 tips

When women ask me how I do it, truthfully I can tell them. Along the way, I’ve learned a thing or two about how I can make the difference I am here to make without finding myself swallowed up in logistics, doubts or trying to do it all.

Three of my most treasured tried-and-tested tactics are:

1. Ask for help.

I’m never too proud to admit when I need extra support so I can direct my energy where it’s most needed. From childcare to helpful postmen, I wouldn’t have been made it to the One of many stage were it not for the people I asked to support me along the way. We can do anything we want to – but we can’t do it all ourselves.

2. Let go of perfection

My face might not have been how I wanted it. I could have done with catching an earlier train. There are countless things, every day, I could do differently. But none of the women in the audience were there to judge my makeup skills, and showing up matters more to me than conforming to a timetable. I choose to focus on what matters, forgive myself for the mistakes I make along the way, and let go of the rest.

3. Go with the flow

Life’s too short to spend time wishing reality was different. “If only…” is a dangerous phrase – and it can stop women in their tracks, who tell themselves they’d love to make a real impact… but they have kids, or they’ve been out of the workplace too long, or a myriad of other reasons. I’ve longed for a simple life as much as the next woman, but the truth is I wouldn’t really exchange the glorious complexity of balancing family life – while trusting I can still have an impact – for the world.

In part that’s why I’ve founded School for Mothers (SFM). Because I DO know how mothers can retain and grow themselves as women of great talent and impact, while at the same time raising happy families.

Sadly though we’ve a global epidemic of exhausted overwhelmed mothers with many (often secret) wishes and ambitions for themselves. These same women are struggling to navigate selfhood and motherhood without monumental tension. We’ve all been fed lies that it’s either our children, or ourselves that can flourish.

So I’m calling time on archaic outgrown models of motherhood and instead heading a movement to modernise this. It’s exciting, it’s needed, and mothers are joining together for ourselves, and future generations.

Go ahead, ask me again how I do it because I’ll tell you it’s messy. I’ll tell you it’s only make-up deep and always about a daily emotional surf ride. And I’ll also tell you things are on the change for Mothers.

If you’d like to hear more about this, our first one-day event, SFM Live, lands in London on 17th November. Click here to find out more. Because one thing’s for sure, we’re in this together. It would be so good to share this day with you.

About Danusia Malina-Derben

The Straight-talking Consultant and Mother Of Ten!

Danusia Malina-Derben is a serial entrepreneur and straight-talking consultant advising Boards and C suite clients on their Strategic leadership.

She is also founder of School For Mothers – an inspirational movement modernising motherhood one ambitious mother at a time.

She is mother of ten children including ‘her last baby’, triplets of five years old. Find out more at www.schoolformothers.com.

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How to get rid of self-critical thoughts for good

By

Thea Jolly

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many
Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.
Thea Jolly

Latest posts by Thea Jolly (see all)

This article is by Thea Jolly, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea’s mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves – because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world. 

Wouldn’t it be amazing if you knew how to get rid of self-critical thoughts for good? Can you imagine how serenely you could float through your day without the self-doubt, self-criticism and rumination that normally goes on inside your head?

No stressing over meeting your work deadlines, no beating yourself up for saying the wrong thing, no recriminations for that parenting fail – again! And no sick feeling of shame as you reach for the bottle of wine, the chocolate or Netflix boxset at the end of a hard day when you promised yourself you wouldn’t.

And no wondering why you can’t pull it all together like other women can.

Let’s get real here: all of the women I know, including me, and including all the wildly successful ones we see on social media, have a head full of doubts, shoulds, oughts, disappointments and feelings of failure. Not all the time – but pretty much every day.

All humans have self-critical thoughts – they have been fundamental to our survival as a species. To ensure we stayed within the security of our tribe our brains evolved to prioritise social connections, fitting in and working together.

That is why our brains spend so much time and energy analysing and prioritising fitting in – it’s how we measure our safety. Which explains why how many likes you get on Facebook feels so important!

So the first thing for you to do is to acknowledge this. There is nothing wrong with you because you have self-critical thoughts. It’s perfectly normal and human. In fact, it would be more worrying if you didn’t have these thoughts: sociopaths and psychopaths spring to mind.

So our task is to manage these thoughts so that they stop affecting us so much. It’s all a matter of awareness, attitude and attention. Training your mind in these areas will lead to a more confident, emotionally resilient and happier life.

1. Awareness

One of my favourite sayings is: ‘Knowledge is Power’. The more we know and understand about ourselves, the more control we have over how we think and behave.

To reduce the frequency and power of self-critical thoughts we need to get curious about them. It’s time to get up close and personal, get dirty and involved in what’s going on in your head. Be a detective, take notes and ask questions. Like Hercule Poirot or Miss Marple notice, notice, notice. If you have to wear a fake moustache or pastel cardigan to get into the part then do so!

The questions to ask include:

  • What are you actually saying to yourself?
  • When do these thoughts come up?
  • What is the story you are telling yourself about your situation, other people and yourself?
  • What are you making assumptions about?
  • What emotions are you feeling?
  • Where do these emotions come from?
  • What fears or beliefs are underneath your self-critical thoughts and feelings?
  • How are these self-critical thoughts affecting your behaviour, and your relationships?
  • Can you notice any patterns?

The more you find out and understand about yourself, the more power you take back.

2. Attitude

Your attitude while you are noticing what’s going on is crucial. Self-critical thoughts are judgemental and harsh. You have to step aside and be the observer of these thoughts from a non-judgemental, compassionate and accepting place. Don’t get sucked into them.

We wear judgement like a pair of sunglasses that we’ve forgotten to take off. Everywhere we look is tainted by our fears, hopes, preoccupations, likes, dislikes and unconscious beliefs. Again, this is normal; it’s what our brains do, but it’s not conducive to a meaningful and happy life.

Compassion and acceptance are equally important here. Without self-compassion and an acceptance of how things are now, we can’t bring sustainable change into our lives. Being motivated by fear and judgement only gets us so far. Our creative problem-solving abilities are shut off when we are in threat mode, so we have to use compassion to bring those parts of our brain back online. Without compassion our ancient emotional impulses run the show – which is why we end up behaving in ways we know aren’t who we truly are.

One word on acceptance: many women don’t want to accept themselves as they are. They think that acceptance means never changing or growing. The paradoxical result of accepting yourself, is that you can change more effectively than when you are beating yourself up.

3. Attention

When we are conscious with our attention – what we are focussing on in any particular moment – life seems to slow down enough to allow us to make more mindful choices.

When you are aware of what is going on – with yourself, with your children, with your co-workers – without judgement, you can act with so much more integrity and compassion.

Furthermore, if you are aware of situations that challenge you, you can intentionally put your focus on your thoughts and choose to talk to yourself in a more helpful, compassionate and empowering way in those situations.

Putting it into Practice

The critical thoughts you are noticing are just thoughts. Nothing more.

The emotions you are noticing are only emotions, nothing more.

You can notice them without attaching judgement to them, without adding a further emotional reaction to them (as much as possible) and without needing to act to change them.

You are simply there to notice what is going on, like watching a scene in a drama.

Things you could say to yourself are:

  • ‘Ohh, that’s interesting…’
  • ‘Mmmm, I’m feeling …… And that’s OK.’
  • ‘I’m noticing I wish I wasn’t so impatient/angry/annoyed/tired. I can feel the judgement here and the desire for it to be different, and that’s OK. I’m human. I wonder why it means so much to me to be more patient/calm etc?’
  • ‘I am noticing that this feels awful and I want to cry/shout/run away. And that’s OK.’
  • ‘I’m noticing that I’m calling myself a bad mum/fat/useless again. Why did that come up now?’
  • ‘What’s the story I’m telling myself here? Oh, yes, I’m worried about my work deadline and am taking it out on my children. Deep breath, it will get done. I want to focus on being connected to my children instead.’

Nothing will change if you don’t extend some compassion to yourself here.

Yes, you may have shouted at your 4 year old when he was pushing boundaries like every four year old does. But you also did a full day’s work, had to deal with a grumpy husband, fielded 500 ‘why’ questions from your 7 year old, and your period started. Is it any wonder that your patience ran out?

This is where you need to take a deep breath, and instead of listening to those critical thoughts, tell yourself it’s all OK. This is a human reaction to a demanding situation. Then you can enquire gently about what’s underneath, what’s the story you are telling yourself here, what do you and your child need to feel better, and how can you set intentions and practice reacting a different way in future?

Exploring this with non-judgemental curiosity might reveal that you feel guilty about going back to work fulltime, even if you know it’s the right thing for you. Or maybe you’re just exhausted and need a good sleep, a night out with the girls or weekend away on your own (bliss).

Maybe you are blaming your husband for not helping more, and realise you actually need to ask him for help rather than alternating between Superwoman and Martyr without actually talking to him about what you need.

Self-critical thoughts are trying to help

Our self-critical thoughts are trying to keep us safe and beyond judgement from others. This is impossible, because we can’t control what other people think of us. Knowing that it is our hard-wiring that is motivating those critical thoughts is incredibly liberating. It means we can stop taking them so seriously.

When we don’t take our thoughts, emotions and ourselves so seriously we don’t get so triggered and injured by them. When we are not so affected by them we keep our emotional equilibrium more easily, have a more positive outlook on life, and can focus on the good stuff instead.

Making the world a better place – which is the vision of One of many – starts with changing your internal world. Every person who learns to manage their automatic, fear-based critical thoughts and behaviours creates a positive ripple effect within their families and communities, workplaces and society. Self-awareness, a compassionate attitude and mindful attention are the foundations for this.

How about you?

Thea Jolly: How to get over mother guiltDo you experience self-critical thoughts? Do you have any other tips or advice to share with others, or questions to ask about Thea’s process?

Leave a comment and let us know.

Thea is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Thea, and how you can work with her, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to ask for help without being needy

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever got to the point of total overwhelm and exhaustion… not because you didn’t have the support around you, but because you just didn’t know how to ask for help?

I had one particularly memorable meltdown after spending the day with a new team member. Ironically, this amazing woman was someone I’d hired to take the pressure off me!

But I’d probably left it a little late to start to delegate… and by the end of a full day of training and induction, I was experiencing that “frog in boiling water” thing. You know – where you don’t realize how much the stress is building up because it increases little by little, incrementally, until you’re at breaking point.

Once I’d calmed down and looked back at all the triggers that had finally got on top of me, I realized that I’d been doing a whole lot of supporting of the others all around me, and not getting the support I needed. And I had only myself to blame.

Sound familiar?

I had a whole crew of super competent people ready to help me. But I’d fallen into the habit of thinking that I didn’t want to bother my incredibly supportive – but also incredibly busy – team with things. So I ended up doing more and more, and eventually something had to give – and that something was me.

Maybe you can relate. You might also be someone who finds it really, really hard to ask for help – even when there are plenty of people who’d be happy to give you a boost when you need it.

Why it’s hard to ask for help

Strong, independent women often share a huge fear – that of being “needy”. After all, we make things happen for ourselves.

Even if you’re not a business owner you probably do have a team, by which I simply mean people who are willing to help you out: it could be an assistant, a childminder, or even just someone who gives you a hand with the ironing once a week. It might be your best friend, your partner or your mum.

But actually asking for that help brings us into conflict with the ‘superwoman’ part of us that sees receiving help as a sign of weakness.

There’s a vulnerability that comes with asking for help that seems deep-wired into our psychology, and that can stop us from reaching out to let other people know what we need.

Perhaps you resist delegating because, deep down, you don’t trust other people to do as good a job as you do.

Or you think it’ll take just as long to teach someone else to do it… so even relatively unimportant jobs linger on your ever-growing list of things to do.

Whatever your reasons for going it alone, the bottom line is all of us have a finite amount of time. Asking for help is essential if you’re going to make the difference you want to – and avoid burnout.

Help is closer than you think

Most successful women know we need to get help. “I know I need a new PA” we tell our partners for the fourteenth time. “I should ask Helen to help me update my resume…” we muse over after work drinks.

And yet, our fear of being seen as needy and our discomfort with receiving help gets in our way. Plus, what if someone says no? In fact, you’re actually much more likely to receive the help you want than you think.

One study by Cornell University found that we underestimate the likelihood of people helping us by a whopping 48% – in other words, people are almost twice as likely to help you than you imagine.

So, deep down you’re pretty sure you need support, and you’re much more likely to get it than you imagine when you do ask. How can you get over the hump and access the help you need?

The PowerTypes answer

Here at One of many we use 5 Womens PowerTypes™ to guide us to our most powerful form of leadership. These powerful models of feminine power each have specific strengths we can draw on when we need to – and it’s the PowerType of Queen we connect to when we want to practice the art of receiving.

Think about Queen Elizabeth, receiving a brave explorer who brought her a treasure from a far off land. Did she tell him “Oh no, you shouldn’t have bothered… I couldn’t possibly accept that?”

No. She receives his gift graciously. Fully in her power, she thanks him for the trouble he has gone to – and he receives that thanks as his reward. A cycle is created, where both parties benefit.

The act of receiving help graciously is, also, a gift.

When we don’t know how to receive help gracefully, our discomfort can sabotage the arrangement we’ve made. We find some way to unravel it: we don’t say thank you to our friend for the favour they’ve done and they get upset… we hire a PA and after 3 months we stop wanting to bother them. The work piles up, and you might even doubt their competence, when in reality what’s happened is your inner superwoman has kicked in.

(Unlike the Queen, Superwoman hates asking for help, which means she’s terrible at receiving.)

If you’ve been wearing your Superwoman cape more than your crown lately, here are 4 steps to asking for help without being needy

1. Start by recognizing that help is fundamental to the success of your business, family and community

There’s a lot at stake here. Consider what you provide for your children, your relationship, your team members, your community.

The work you provide for other subcontractors and service providers.

Given all that, can you see that taking care of your wellbeing is an absolute MUST? If you are not being energetically supported, and opening it up to others, then your wellbeing diminishes, and eventually it stops. So being fully supported wherever you need is a vital part of your work in the world.

2. Be specific about how you ask

What would be most useful to you? Rather than “I need help with this presentation”, think about what would make the most difference.

Do you want someone to read through your slides, to spend an hour as you run through what you want to say, or to give you feedback on the overall message?

Do you need your PA to block out time in your diary for you to get stuck into writing, send a quick “got your message” response to someone who’s waiting for an email, or take ownership of the sales spreadsheet you’re forever behind with updating?

It’s much easier for people to give you a clear answer to a specific offer – or to refer you to someone who they know will be able to help.

And when you do ask, don’t pre-empt a no

The data is clear – we’re much more likely to get a “yes” to a request than we imagine. So don’t fall into the trap of assuming it’ll be a no, or weighing down the request by saying things like “I know this is a total pain” or “You’re probably way too busy for this…”

Try thinking about how you feel when someone asks you for a hand. Most likely, you’re happy to help out – or, if you can’t, to say a polite “no”. The same probably goes for your friends, family and colleagues.

Focus on the difference it would make in a positive way – “This would save me loads of time” or “It would really make me feel less anxious to know you were there” and you’ll help the person you’re asking feel great about saying yes too.

3. Step into your Queen – and receive graciously

When you’re in the mindset of the Queen, the help you receive is a gift. It might be a great piece of advice from your accountant, a loving hug from your partner, or the person delivering your groceries.… whenever anyone is doing something to help you out, don’t push them away. Be gracious, be serene, be open to receiving. The way you graciously receive is, in turn, a gift to the giver.

A door being opened, being helped with your luggage, some hand-me-down toys from the neighbours, a smile from a stranger – every little gift you receive activates the archetype of the queen. And the more you receive, the more you will attract gifts into your life – it’s a deeply powerful practice.

It sounds obvious, but turning around the paradigm of doing everything ourselves takes all of us to play our part. Be open about the help you need, and generous with the ways you can help other people. By modelling what it’s like to give and receive help generously, you’ll help those around you break free from superwoman too.

Want to explore the Queen further?

If you’d like to learn more about the Women’s PowerTypes™, including a full description and a playlist of music that can help you tap into the energy of the Queen, download the “Life’s Little Toolkit”. As well as our favourite resources to stop worrying and beat overwhelm, it contains a guide to the Womens PowerTypes™ and suggestions for music to help you embody each one. Click here to access your FREE Toolkit now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to be confident

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

How can I be more confident?

It’s a question I’ve been asked more times than I can count. So let me try and answer it definitively. But first, let’s dispel a few myths.

I personally believe there is a lot of rubbish being talked about confidence.

The Problem with Aiming for “Being More Confident”

I feel that we have the focus in the wrong place. When it comes to confidence the focus seems to be very much about getting us to a destination, a place where we are invincible and fearless, ready to take on any task that we are faced with. Like a Superwoman, she’s unshakeable- you can throw her into a foreign country, with strangers, having jumped out of an aeroplane to deliver a challenging business presentation and a vocal solo and she’ll handle it all with aplomb because she oozes confidence.

Come on!

Do you actually know ANYONE who fits this definition of confidence? I only know one or two, and to be perfectly honest I think they may have a bit of a personality disorder… so let’s redefine it!

Having confidence is not about being a confident person ALL THE TIME.

Let’s face it: we are all different. We are introverts and extroverts. We’re bubbly or serene. We all have totally different personalities so this idea that a “confident person” is one type, one size fits all, flies in the face of our individuality.

We don’t all need to become some sort of bubbly social butterfly who is always chatting up strangers and singing karaoke. Of course, that’s great if you want it, but our focus at One of many is to develop a confidence that fits with who you truly are.

So if confidence isn’t being a fearless daredevil who’s ready to leap into the unknown without so much as a backwards glance, what is it?

You feel confident in relationship to something

Confidence is how you feel when you’re asked about the everyday tasks you carry out without a thought.

Let me ask you something: “Can you tie your shoelaces?”

Did you answer yes?

Notice that feeling you have about the answer to that question? Unless you never progressed past velcro straps on your trainers, that feeling– that is confidence.

You see, confidence is something that comes in relation to a certain task we want to be doing.

It’s not a permanent state of being. It’s how you feel about your ability to do something.

How much confidence is enough?

When talking about confidence we also have a tendency to think about it in terms of something we are lacking. But I believe that most of us have enough confidence to do most things we desire, it’s just that we are looking for it in the wrong places.

Let me ask you this: can you walk into a shop and ask where they keep the milk?

If you have enough self-esteem for this- you have the makings of all the confidence you need. Some people can’t do that. They may have debilitating social issues, like huge anxiety or agoraphobia. But if you have enough self-esteem for this, you have the makings to be able to do most things.

If I have the confidence where do I find it?

For most of us, the reason we don’t feel confident to do stuff is because of Imposter Syndrome. It’s that icky feeling that we’re going to get found out, that we’re not qualified or good enough for the task at hand. This is something that I have suffered from massively in the past and my remedy for this is simple and here it is:

Surround yourself with people who believe in you more than you believe in yourself.

For me, it’s my Mum, my sisters, friends and my team here at One of many™. These people all encourage me to push myself to do things, they are my cheerleaders.

The Three Steps to Confidence

  1. Surround yourself with people who believe in you.

Now, this is a probably a little controversial because most personal development coaches will tell you confidence comes from within but I believe that it really can come from outside of you. When you surround yourself with people who have high expectations of what you’re capable of, you just sort of get on with doing things! If you allow yourself to, you learn to live into that space that they are holding for you.

  1. Ask “Do I have the skills and knowledge I need?”

So what happens when everyone around you believes in you but you still think “there’s no way I can do this thing!” Because let’s face it- that still happens!!

The next step to accessing confidence for a situation is to do check to see if you actually KNOW how to handle a situation. Ask yourself:

  • Do I know how to do this?
  • Do I have the knowledge and skills?
  • Have I got what it takes?

Because I know way too many people who expect themselves to be confident at something with no education. I teach public speaking a lot. And so many people say “I could never do that”. But they’ve never been taught how! They don’t know what they would say, how to structure a talk that gives them confidence, how to deliver a talk etc. So of course they’ll think they can’t do it. If no-one taught you to tie a shoelace you’d have no confidence for that either!

When trying to feel more confident gaining education around what it is you’re trying to achieve can be a really great place to start.

  1. Choose the right Women’s PowerType for the job

Once you have educated yourself on what it takes the next step is to decide who will take on this task. Now, I know you’re probably thinking well it’s me of course and you’re absolutely right but what we’re talking about here is deciding which part of you is the best woman for the job.

At One of many™, we talk about the five Women’s PowerTypes™; The Lover, The Mother, The Queen, The Warrioress and The Sorceress. Our PowerTypes are the parts of us that we call upon to help us at different times.

We can all play the clown in the right situation, we can be the caregiver or nurturing mother, depending on the situation. So what I’m suggesting here is we can consciously draw upon any one of our PowerTypes for confidence.

Imagine this …

You have just started a new job and you’ve been invited to the office party and you’re feeling nervous about stepping into a room of unfamiliar people, wondering if you’ll have the confidence to talk to new people.

This would be the perfect time to bring in your Queen PowerType. The Queen is serene and graceful, she is the type that walks into to a room and owns it, she doesn’t do guilt and is totally assured of her place in her realm.

Well, we all have the Queen within us, it’s just a question of accessing that power in your body and consciously using it as a tool to gain more confidence in a situation, in this case bringing her to the party!

The same goes for all of the five PowerTypes, you just need to know what part to access and when is the best time to do it.

If you’d like to learn more about using your Women’s PowerTypes, do check out our free Soft PowerCasts here.

So to summarise:

  • Redefine confidence to something you have in relationship to a task, not as a permanent state of being.
  • Seek out people who believe in you more than you believe in yourself and find your confidence there.
  • Make sure you have the education you need for what you’re trying to do
  • Access the relevant Women’s PowerType to pull off the task!

And let me know – what do you do to make yourself feel more confident?

 

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The Soft Power Revolution

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Last week saw us hosting our inaugural One of many™ Women’s Coach Training. It was truly a phenomenal week of transformation.

I have to say I am both thrilled and relieved to have accomplished this training at 37 weeks pregnant! And it struck me as a time of giving birth to two babies at the moment. Our own little Pumpkin, who has been upgraded from Peanut in the last month (can you see why from the picture?) and our One of many baby is also ready to be taken out further into the world.

This first coaching cohort are really fired up to share what they’ve been learning about Soft Power with other women and the world. But what is this thing called Soft Power? Where does it come from? Why do we use the term and what does it mean?

The state of women: bad news

According to UK statistics:

  • 29% of us are going to be treated for a mental health condition in our life compared to 17% of men
  • One in four of us are going to be diagnosed with depression compared with one in ten men1
  • We’re twice as likely to suffer with anxiety2
  • We’re 60% more likely to suffer job stress and burnout than men
  • 42% of our marriages are ending in divorce3
  • 40% of us are going to have cancer at some time in our life4
  • A sixth of couples have difficulty conceiving
  • The gender pay gap, at time of writing, is the highest that it’s been in 20 years5
  • We are less happy as a gender than we were 40 years ago6

Indeed, since 1972 more than 6 different studies of millions of people around the world have shown that women’s overall level of happiness has dropped both relative to where they were 40 years ago, and relative to men. Now, this is regardless of whether they have kids, how many kids they have, how much money they make, how healthy they are, what job they hold, whether they’re married, single, divorced, how old they are or what race they are. With the slight exception of African-American women who are slightly happier than they were 40 years ago, but still less happy than their men.

So, we’re getting less happy, even though we find ourselves at a time when we have more access to opportunity and more access to power than we’ve ever had.

So, how does a woman who wants to step up and make her highest contribution in the world and step up to leadership do that in a way which still allows her to be happy and healthy?

The state of women: good news

The good news for we women is that we’ve got amazing opportunities right now.

  • 80% of the newly self-employed since 2008 are women7
  • According to CNN women are the largest economic force in the world – not China or India
  • There’s a huge calling for more women on boards, in parliament, in leadership8
  • The Dalai Lama even said “the world will be saved by the Western woman”9

So, on one hand there’s a calling for us to step up and lead.  Many of us feel in our hearts that that’s the path and our contribution that we need to make. But on the other hand, we’re burning out, we’re sick, we’re infertile and we’re unhappy. What’s the problem here?

The One of many™ hypothesis

We propose that the power that it took to get us where we are, to create amazing opportunities, to compete and be taken seriously as a force in the world; is not the kind of power that is going to be able to sustain us here.

We need a new kind of power to be the woman that the world needs us to be.

Understanding Women’s Power

Stereotypically, there’s two kind of types of power that we’re most aware of right now.

One is, the bossy woman; she wears the trousers, the dominating, effectively very masculine Superwoman. But, she gets some stuff done.

The other powerful kind of woman that we recognise with is the woman who use sex as power. Think of our pop stars and our movie stars using that kind of sexy power.

They’re the two types of power that we tend to see most commonly in women trying to be “powerful”. And that’s because of the cultural paradigm that we live in. They’re the only two types of power that we’ve really given any credit to and, unfortunately, we’re playing with two keys on the piano, neither of which are particularly useful. But we’re in a masculine paradigm.

There is enlightening research by Hofstede’s into the relative masculinity of different cultures.  Highly masculine cultures display a preference in society for achievement, heroism, assertiveness and material rewards for success. Society at large is more competitive. Its opposite, femininity, stands for a preference for cooperation, modesty, caring for the weak and quality of life. Society at large is more consensus-oriented. In the business context Masculinity versus Femininity is sometimes also related to as “tough versus tender” cultures.10 This can lead to women acting like Superwomen to juggle all they have to do. Sound familiar?

What paradigm did you grow up in? Has it been more masculine or has it been more feminine?

Note also that the workplace itself though, is also another masculine paradigm. The domain of commerce and economics, since its inception many thousands of years ago, has been predominately dominated by men. It’s only really been very recently that we’ve seen anywhere near equality in representation inside of commerce. And there are some industries where it is still nowhere near equal. Especially in upper level management and board level, where we’re seeing still nowhere near equality of representation.

So, many of us live in countries that are embedded in a masculine paradigm. Then, we’re operating, as professional women in workplaces with unconscious bias towards the masculine. And then, many of us have individual experiences growing up that program us even further, to take on the masculine Superwoman archetype.

What’s the solution?

Our suggestion here at One of many™ is that instead of operating, always, in this masculine way we need to step into a different kind of power.

And we call that Soft Power. It’s no less powerful than masculine power. It’s just different.

Let’s define soft: “agreeable, calm, gentle, yielding”.

Now watch your response to this.  Note that any master of martial arts, will know that the greatest way to get power from your opponent is to absorb the impact of their attack and turn that energy back against them. So, being yielding is sometimes a really powerful thing to do; not always fight, fight, fight.

Power: etymology: the middle English, which is “to be able.”

It’s not about dominion over, it’s just about an ability to do anything.

How do we, as women, start to be more able using a different kind of power?

We find central to it is the collaboration of many and not just the pursuit of one.

Let’s look at another example so that you understand this.  If you were to buy a hairdryer in the USA, it is designed to use the voltage 110 volts. Your US hairdryer works perfectly efficiently on 110V.

If you were to take that hair dryer to the UK where the voltage coming out of the wall is 230 volts and plug it in you would short it out. However, if you were to plug in a British hair dryer into the sockets in the UK, it works with perfect efficiency.

What’s the difference? Is 230 V better than 110 V?

Is 110 V better than 230 V?

I don’t know and frankly it doesn’t really matter.

In just the same way, masculine energy isn’t better than feminine energy, what we would call Soft Power. And feminine is not better than masculine. It’s simply a question of what’s the right energy, the right voltage for your machinery.

Our bodies are designed to utilise more feminine energy than the average Western woman runs through her. We have breasts, a uterus, a different hormonal make up.  Our biology is different to men. Men look different to women, they have a different biological make up.

Does biology impact psychology?  Probably, but that’s not the point. What is relevant is that there are very many women burning out because we’re plugged into the wrong voltage.

If you’re living in masculine energy, with aggression, drive, that adrenaline fueled way of being will soon burn you out. Your marriage isn’t going to last long, your relationships are not going to last long and your health is not going to last long because your machinery is not designed to operate on that voltage.

So, what we invite you to explore- and that’s all we ask- is the possibility that there is a power that is more suited for you.

And it’s not about one or the other. Masculine or feminine all the time.

It’s about harmony.

Most of us ignore the feminine though because we think it is weak.

What are your thoughts when I use the word “feminine”? Let me know in the comments below.

At One of many™ we work with 5 Women’s PowerTypes™, all feminine, all strong:

  • Warrioress
  • Lover
  • Mother
  • Queen
  • Sorceress

What if we were to come from this place of Soft Power? What if we were able flow between masculine and feminine energy as required?

Sometimes you need nothing but a good bit of masculine energy to push through and churn out that project that needs completing by Friday afternoon. But, then you want to be able to go into your Soft Power when you get home to be with your family and your spouse because they’re not going to want to hang out with somebody who’s still pushing through and in overdrive.

It’s about harmony.

So, for many of us, we need to swing the pendulum back the other way. We need to learn to trust what we call our Soft Power. We need to re-discover the power in our softness and that is the journey that we’re all on here together.

If this blog resonates with you and you’d like to discover how you can use cutting edge, proven tools and techniques designed for the unique personal and professional growth of women then click here to find out more about our Coaching Certification.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

References:

  1. National Institute For Clinical Excellence, 2003
  2. The Office for National Statistics Psychiatric Morbidity report, 2001
  3. http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20160105160709/http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/vsob1/divorces-in-england-and-wales/2011/sty-what-percentage-of-marriages-end-in-divorce.html
  4. http://www.cancerresearchuk.org
  5. Research by the Institute for Fiscal Studies. https://www.ft.com/content/94e2e7b8-6874-11e6-ae5b-a7cc5dd5a28c
  6. The Paradox of declining female happiness by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers 2009 http://www.nber.org/papers/w14969.pdf
  7. http://www.prowess.org.uk/facts
  8. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/mar/05/not-enough-women-highest-levels-leadership
  9. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suojNzKZ8ew
  10. https://geert-hofstede.com/national-culture.html
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Christmas – Don’t miss the magic!

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)


Being an Australian living in the northern hemisphere, I find that this year I am really present to the sense that Christmas makes. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a wonderful time of year in Australia as well, because it’s summer with barbecues and lots of fun things to do. But there is something unique and special which makes sense of so many of the traditions when you are in the northern hemisphere.

It seems like it has become almost a given that this time of year just before Christmas everything gets crazier and crazier and busier and busier. There is the shopping and all the food to be prepared. Getting the turkey, stuffing the turkey, going to the pub with your mates, organising presents, buying presents, visiting family and friends, going to church and then getting home. Getting that last bit of work done before the office closes, all of that kind of stuff, the list goes on.

The trouble is when we do that we end up missing the magic, which is sad because this is a truly magical time of year. Here in the northern hemisphere we are in the middle of winter and it’s time for the PowerType of the Sorceress, that part of you that brings a little bit of fairy dust and is tuned into the mysteries.

The Winter Solstice is on 21 December, this is a really special time because it’s the shortest day, which by default means it’s the longest night. It’s the longest period of darkness that we have in the calendar in the year. Many of us we get freaked out by darkness but actually there is a great gift here.

Discover that gift!

Here in the northern hemisphere (I’ll talk about the southern hemisphere in just a moment) we’re in Winter. If we could take away everything that the culture demands of us, everything that our busy lives demand of us and actually tune into our energy at this time of year we will discover that our energy wants to come in. It wants to be inward focusing and reflective. Given the current fast pace of life it’s all too easy to miss this and unless we tune into it we will overlook it. We are all animals after all and we do respond to the seasons, whether we are aware of it or not.

One of the risks we run at this time of year is skidding through this amazingly magical moment without acknowledging it or noticing. The beauty of the longest night is that every day after this the days get a little longer and the light returns. I find it fascinating to think back many hundreds of years ago when perhaps our ancestors weren’t as confident that the spring was going to come as we are these days. When it was only sometime after the winter solstice that the days would start to lengthen and they would start to notice it. And they would celebrate. This is why we bring Christmas trees into the house at this time of year and wrap them in lights. And why we decorate our house with lights because at this time of year we want to celebrate the return of the light.

Whether that’s the Christian light of Jesus, Hanukkah, Pagan etc, it doesn’t matter what your tradition is or even if you don’t have any spiritual beliefs, you can tune into nature and you can get a sense that there is something fabulous and magical going on just now.

What don’t you want to have in your life anymore?

One of the things that I highly recommend is giving yourself permission, specifically in this week, to just be really present during these darkest days. Reflect on 2016 and anything that you don’t want to have in your life anymore. Anything that you don’t want to take into 2017 just become present to it and consciously let it go. Chose to let it go into the darkness. And then get excited that as the energy and the light start to return you will have all of the energy that you want and need to be able to fulfil on your goals and ambitions for 2017.

Know if you’re on the flip side of the world, in the southern hemisphere, where I usually spend my Christmases it does have a different flavour. It is summertime at this time of year and we are at the opposite end of the spectrum with the longest day. It’s such a delicious time of being with friends and people. So if that’s where you are make sure you are present to that, and that you revel in every drop of energy that you bring to that. Be present in those connections. Again it’s really easy in the summer celebration of Christmas to get wrapped up in it all and not be present to the gift that is there of being with people and being expressed which is what your energy wants to be doing in the summertime.

Wherever you are in the world simply tune into what it means for you and don’t let this week sweep by. There may be lots of things you want to get on with, and maybe a sense that you’re going to enjoy the break to catch up on the things you’re behind with but one of the first things that I really deeply hope you catch up with is your connection to you.

This is something that I am going to be really focusing on over this period, really taking notice of myself and my family. Taking notice of each other and what it is that we want to leave behind in 2016.

Merry Christmas and may 2017 be an exceptionally rewarding, fulfilling and successful one for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Get started with 7 Rituals for Calming the Daily Chaos so you’re in a position to handle the next mini-catastrophe coming your way, and take it all in your stride.

After all, shit happens no matter how intelligent or important we are. It’s how we handle it that determines out impact.