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How to be present in your relationship

May 28, 2020 By Susie Heath

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One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

How to be present in your relationship - May 28, 2020
Is your relationship draining you? - February 13, 2020
Guest post: How to keep a relationship alive - December 19, 2019

One of the worst things in a relationship is feeling lonely, despite being with another person. Sadly, it’s a common enough experience for many couples, especially during these times of unexpected strain. It’s often one of those things that creeps up surreptitiously, until it is almost too late. So here are a few ways to be present in your relationship – and why it matters so much.

Why knowing how to be present in your relationship is vital

When we lose presence with our partner, we might experience some of the following things:

Sexual attraction begins to diminish
Your self-esteem falters
You lose passion and enthusiasm for life
You feel taken for granted
You jump to conclusions
You get defensive
You lose the freshness and the desire for being with your partner
You fail to notice when you could turn things around
You get bored… and the rot of stagnation sooner or later sets in.

But many of us are tied up in trying hard in the world.

We’re competing and trying to prove that we are good enough, and worthy of love.

We try to be interesting and interested, to prove how clever we are, and how hard we are trying – instead of just enjoying and appreciating each moment of our precious life.

“Trying” always implies the possibility of “failing”. It can all to easily become effortful, exhausting and stressful.

In this mode, we are always comparing and contrasting, using our thoughts to enhance the worry and stress, focussing on what is wrong (and often embroidering it in glorious Technicolor so that it appears bright and enormous in our eyes!)

Even arguments and fighting create a connection, but when that doesn’t work, we just give in, or even give up. When that happens, there’s no possibility of movement within the relationship, and it slowly dies.

So are you really present in your relationship?

Or are you sitting on the sidelines and thinking about it?

Let me give you an example:

You could be making love or kissing your partner, but what is going on in your head is…

“How long is this going to go on for? Must remember to do that grocery order; it used to be more fun than this; did I reschedule that Zoom call? Wish you wouldn’t do that; this is so boring; got to get that financial report in by Tuesday; wonder what’s happening on Facebook; if we hurry now I can catch the 10 o’clock news; if I hold my tummy in perhaps they won’t notice that I’ve put on weight”

…and on and on and on with internal chatter in the background.

The problem here is we are failing to actually BE with our partner. However well we think we’re hiding that, energetically they will feel it – but not know what is wrong.

Women in particular are able to feel when their partner’s energy is not focussed on them, and it has a knock-on effect on their sexual arousal, together with their self-esteem.

When we lose the art of presence

In your unconscious mind, what is happening is that you are comparing, contrasting, distorting, deleting and generalising information as to what is happening, rather than being fully involved in the experience of being together.

This lack of being fully present is the same whether you are eating a meal, giving a speech, doing your work, or having a conversation. We have learned to distract ourselves so much that we miss out on the experience of living, and wonder how life has passed us by so quickly.

The feeling of being needed, loved and desired by someone is paramount, so when it is not fulfilled, we mentally leave the person we are with to go and do other things to fill the gap. We fantasise, we make ourselves extra busy, we worry and stress, anything to avoid recognising our real need and asking for it. We try to get this need met by thinking – but in fact love and connection with another person can only be experienced outside of thought.

What does it mean to be present in your relationship?

Being present is when you are there in full awareness, with no judgement about yourself, no conditions as to how the other should be and allowing the experience to unfold.

It’s about leaving behind any thoughts that could make you miserable, any emotional baggage from the past, any opinions and limitations, but just using all your senses to be fully where you are, and it’s quite magical.

It’s about getting out of your head and in touch with your body and feelings.

It’s about learning how to appreciate every moment of being in each other’s presence, increasing your sheer pleasure and making life more satisfying and worthwhile.

How to be present in your relationship

Remember a time when you were blissfully happy – it may have been making love, or looking at a rainbow, being by the sea or receiving a massage. Where was thought then?

It was not there, because you had all your senses completely wrapped around the living experience rather than thoughts about the experience. There was no comparing or contrasting, no judgment or limitation, just the sheer bliss of Beingness.

This is what we need to learn to re-create with our partner – when you do it will bring back those feelings of ecstasy and awareness, of vitality and aliveness, of feelingful care and loving attention.

First – stop trying.

Trying causes tension. Tension causes competitiveness with an inbuilt fear of failure and stresses the whole system. So breathe deeply and learn to let go …and relax.

When you really relax, not only your body but also your mind and your thoughts, you can allow your judgement to be suspended, you can stop being defensive, you can go through and out the other side of any limitations, as you learn to love from an enlightened and intelligent space.

There is no peace and harmony where your mind is racing and judging and being emotional. Love is not an emotion – that is where you attach conditions and it cannot last. Love is a state of being, and it is eternal.

Second: This may sound odd, but it generates an amazing and wondrous unconditional freshness.

Every evening say “Everything about my relationship with (insert your partner’s name here) today I now destroy and uncreate.” (This is a technique taken from Gary Douglas’s work from Access Consciousness)

So when you wake up in the morning, you have left behind any negative opinions or conclusions, prejudices and assumptions about them from the previous day. It means you can start again, afresh in the here and now every day with the person in front of you with no resentment or hurt from anything that has gone before.

You will be fully aware of what is really going on, rather than looking through conditioning and programming that stops you from seeing the truth.

It allows you to focus on the other person and get feedback which way to go, and you will get insights and be able to operate from that. You will really start to see the other person and draw out their potential as you’re no longer operating from what you think you know about them.

Third: Connect to your senses

Ideally practice this exercise out in nature somewhere where there is an explosion of colours and sounds in the trees or the water, the sky, the birds, the rain. Once you have mastered the technique, practice doing it with your partner when you are kissing or making love or just holding each other and looking into each other’s eyes.

You will be amazed and delighted how the intensity of love-making increases as you begin to wrap your senses 100% around what is actually happening as you become fully present. Here’s how to do it:

Practice for 15 seconds at a time just using your Sight – look at what is around you with no labelling, no comparing, no judging. Just see the colours, the shapes, the textures.

Listen to all the sounds, the vibration, the tonality, the softness, the harshness, each and every sound with no labelling, no judging as to whether you like it or not.

Feel physically the heat of your body, the breeze and sunlight on your skin, the touch of your lover, the intensity, the gentleness of the caress.

Feel the emotional side, the caring, the loving, the warmth, the safety, the nurturing, the pride in your body, the vitality of your cells, the beat of your heart and of theirs

Smell the air, the scent, the sea, the earthiness, whatever is around you, the perfume of your lover’s skin in different parts of their body

Taste – highly linked with smell, taste the air, taste your lover.

Now go back to Sight and go through this sequence over and over again until you truly have mastered being able to stay out of thought and be in the present moment.

To know how to be present in your relationship you need to be in unconscious attention – in other words not aware that you’re doing anything other than just being. If you apply conscious attention to it, you will start to look through the old programming of limitation again. Once you are fully present, colours will appear more vibrant, your connection with nature and your lover will literally be mind-blowing, and your relationship will go from strength to strength.

And finally, if you find that your partner is not being present with you, if they are always in their head thinking, rationalising and being logical, try gently touching them, bringing them back into reconnecting with their body. Learn to appreciate your partner for the miracle of life that they are, and allow the magic to flow.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Is your relationship draining you?

February 13, 2020 By Susie Heath

About
Latest Posts

Susie Heath

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

How to be present in your relationship - May 28, 2020
Is your relationship draining you? - February 13, 2020
Guest post: How to keep a relationship alive - December 19, 2019

Is your relationship draining you? Today I want to explain the importance of energy in relationships – and give you some simple ways you can revitalize a relationship where things are starting to feel draining, frustrating or stale. First, let me explain what I mean by the “energy” of a relationship.

Inside every human being is a life source from which comes life-force in the form of an energy. This is the energy that grows your hair, that heals your body, that sends the blood coursing through your veins. It is the pulsation you feel when you are resting quietly, like a stream of electricity tingling through your body, without you having to do anything to make it happen. It is this energy which when it is harmony with another person can rocket you to the stars, or when at odds with them, will sink you like a stone.

We are like radio transmitters with our energy – we affect everything around us with our thoughts, feelings and actions and it emanates from us like radio signals to be picked up by those on a similar wave-length to us. People who are particularly sensitive can even see our energy around our heads and body in our aura, sometimes in colour but certainly as a fuzzy pattern around the body.

It is this energy that we pick up on when we meet someone and when we are in connection with them, in our communications and in our interaction with them.

Is your relationship draining you?

So does your relationship rocket you to the stars, enabling you to express who you truly are with joy and inspiration? Or is your relationship draining you?

Does it make you feel good about yourself, good about the future and positive about life?
Does it bring out the best in you?
Do you feel healthier and rejuvenated, whole and nourished, loved and loving towards your partner?
Do you feel connected and at one with your partner?

This is how a good relationship will make you feel.

If that sounds idealistic, it is because it is rather rare in this throwaway society, because love is in your actions and in the way you speak, move and touch those you love and care about – just in the way you turn up.

Does that mean you will never have moments of feeling that you don’t like your partner or that they irritate you or that you want to get away? No, it just means that like the foundations of a house, it is deep and broad and will withstand the storms and raging that go in life. Love is a gifting and a receiving – it is a generosity of spirit and when you have the desire to sustain and nurture it, like a beautiful plant it can bloom to reveal something truly inspirational.

What you bring to the relationship makes a tremendous difference.

If you are bringing positivity, a healthy way of thinking, an enjoyment of life no matter what it throws at you, and a willingness to be flexible and generous, the energy will be high.

If on the other hand you are bringing old negative memories, hurt, resentment, guilt and shame, you will lower the energy dramatically.

So what are you bringing with you? What are you transmitting? What are you receiving?

How do we create energy?

Much of it is by our thought patterns which influence the way our energy flows. Our temperament allows flow or blocks it. What we put into our body, our food, drink, chemicals, exposure to technology, the way we move and our environment have strong influences on our energy. But what drains our energy mostly is anger, depression, misery and negative thoughts, particularly blame, resentment and shame – these are the most damaging both health-wise and for any relationship.

Here are some ways to help the energy of your relationship thrive.

10 simple energy boosters to revitalise your relationships

Let go of stress by doing things you love to do. Learn to relax!
Take full responsibility for your emotional state and become more conscious of your moods; move your body and change your energy; empower yourself with new positive beliefs.
Be in allowance of who you are and stop trying to be perfect.
Enjoy yourself. Laugh.
Plan time out for fun, rest time and holidays; for romance and meaningful conversation.
Touch, cuddle, make time for romance and make love.
Think about how you’re nourishing yourself. Drink plenty of water; eat low GI (slow sugar release foods), avoid processed meals and refined foods;
Commit to paying it forward and contributing to others.
Give yourself the gift of regular pampering such as massage, reflexology; regular daily deep breathing; exercise which you enjoy, with proper recovery/stretching; or daily walks outside in sunlight.
Meet up regularly with positive like-minded people.

You might notice that none of these requires any shift in your partner! Revitalising your energy isn’t about trying to shape, change or confront anyone else. To become aware of and harness this energy and ultimately gain access to its source is to cease mental effort – tune into your energy and find out what it wants of you. It is the still, small voice within that often gets drowned by our self-talk.

We need to learn to relax and listen, mentally as well as physically. It’s not easy in our often hectic life, but it is possible particularly as you just wake up in the morning and as going to sleep at night.

What if you had all that kind of wonderful energy continually running through your body? The magic of it is that when you feel it flowing, it will direct you. You can put hopes and dreams onto the energy and watch them materialise. Go with the flow trusting that Life is indeed looking after you.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Guest post: How to keep a relationship alive

December 19, 2019 By Susie Heath

About
Latest Posts

Susie Heath

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

How to be present in your relationship - May 28, 2020
Is your relationship draining you? - February 13, 2020
Guest post: How to keep a relationship alive - December 19, 2019

Love at first sight? Yes, it can happen. But when we buy into the idea that love can only happen in a spontaneous, earth-shaking fireworks display, we can close the door to allowing love to bloom and blossom in its own time. Knowing how to keep a relationship alive can open doors to deeper and more meaningful connection – but to get there, we need to know what to do.

How to keep a relationship alive

A relationship is like a tender sapling.

It needs nourishing and feeding, light, warmth and cherishing; it needs stamina and commitment to strengthen it so it becomes resilient in the path of outer circumstances which could blow it off course. It needs space and air and tender care, it needs understanding, and good and fertile ground in which to put its root down. And as it grows, we need to prune away the dead wood and keep the live wood where the buds are forming and developing.

Today I want to explore how love can grow and evolve over time – even in relationships that have faced challenges, rocky patches, or resentment.

What has to happen to keep love alive?
How do you turn a relationship into an adventure and a delight rather than a downward spiral, set in its ways?
How do you nurture and expand the potential so it becomes a fully passionate and joyful journey of discovery, intimacy and truth?

When love feels easy

All of us at some time or another have been in that special relationship – we are in love, it’s like the sparkling river of life, there’s joy, there’s laughter, there’s passion and desire, everything seems brighter, clearer and more vital.

Above all there’s a feeling of being connected, a oneness with your beloved, a connection from heart to heart rather than from head to head.

You look at that person and you see their true nature. You see all the good in them. There’s an openness, a trust, an honesty, a goodness – almost childlike – with nothing in the way. The world around you looks wonderful, you want to love everyone, and you feel that this could last forever.

And then…

Over time, however, it can be as if you lose sight of the person and the life force within them which so attracted you in the first place.

You no longer just see their good points; you begin to see bad points that you didn’t notice before.
You begin to focus on your differences; your analytical mind comes in now.
You focus even more on what’s wrong with the relationship – they have such annoying habits!
You begin to hold things against them; resentments, grudges, even hostility can arise.

The barriers go up between the two of you and you begin to live once again in your individual world of separate realities. Once again you feel lonely, alienated, hurt, disappointed, misunderstood; your barriers of self-protection go up even more as you are constantly on guard against the possible onslaught, and you are defensive from the moment you wake up in the morning.

Now you begin to spend a lot of time thinking about what’s wrong with the relationship, what’s wrong with the other person, and how you can fix it.

You have these head to head discussions that end in emotional upsets and everyone feeling even worse, until finally you’re left with only one solution.

So what’s really going on?

Let’s slow down and really see what’s happening.

The truth is you have stopped having a relationship with the miracle of life that is in the person in front of you. Whether it’s right or wrong, it has become a relationship with your thoughts.

We get triggered by things happening which remind us of problems in our previous relationships – but actually have nothing to do with the person you are with right this moment.

When you first saw that person, you saw them without the contamination of your analytical mind – you probably saw them as they really are, with their true nature. Spending time with our thoughts rather than our partner even when we are supposed to be with them, never allows for potential to emerge.

We don’t wait to see the person grow before we jump in with our judgments.

So ask yourself: “Do I want to have a relationship with my negative thoughts, or do I want to have a relationship with the Life in that person so that we can evolve together?”

That doesn’t mean changing who you really are, but evolving and growing in the presence of the other, and with their energy, to help you grow and expand your life.

When you stop making assumptions about the other and just allow the other person to unfold in all their magnificence, it is like witnessing a rose opening petal by petal as you encourage its vitality and beauty.

Explore this miraculous being by asking inquisitive questions that are positive to draw out the best qualities in them and find out what lights them up.

Our tendency is always to focus on the negative and talk about the darkest moments in life as if that will create a connection – it will of course, but not one that brings joy to the relationship.

8 questions to help you reconnect to your partner

Try asking these questions and listening openly to the answers. You might be surprised what emerges when you give your partner the space to respond.

What did you like doing when you were a child?
What are your happiest memories?
What did you want to be when you grew up?
What are your needs as a man/woman?
What are your individual needs?
If I were to give you a magic wand, what would you really like?
What little things make you feel good?
What makes you feel loved – is it by being told, being bought gifts, being given surprises, being held and made love to? Being left little notes? Find their needs and make them your needs, not by becoming a pleaser but by the sheer joy of lighting up someone else’s life – if they are doing it for you too, what a magnificent journey you can have together.

Does this mean that you will end up forever with this person? There is nothing guaranteed in love and life and it may just run its course, but at least you will enjoy the journey far more.

You see, we can never learn love. We can only remove the barriers that block love from coming in, and from us expressing it.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Can you be independent and still have a fulfilling relationship?

October 17, 2019 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

One of many voices: Carib Eats Founder Ali Kakande - July 2, 2020
YOUR voices have been heard - June 18, 2020
One of many women actively standing against racism - June 4, 2020

Can you be independent, strong – and have a deeply fulfilling relationship? Whether you have a partner or not right now, take a moment to consider your instinctive response to that question. It can reveal an awful lot, not only about our intimate connections but our experience in other areas of life too.

Often, when we have a sense that something’s not quite right in our relationships, we find this deep-rooted belief underlying our disconnection. It's as though at some point, we decided we had to make a choice.

Either be disempowered and meet a lovely partner, or be a single, successful, empowered woman.

It looks crazy, doesn’t it, when you put it in black and white? And yet it’s a surprisingly common and powerful block for so many of us when it comes to bringing more love into our lives.

Today I want to explore where this belief comes from, how it can impact you – and how to use that insight to transform your relationships. But first, a quick note on how this can transform even seemingly unrelated areas of your life.

Using your relationship as a lens

As with so much of our “stuff” around relationships, we can use our intimate relationships as a lens through which to open up all sorts of insight.

For many, maybe even most of us, intimate relationships are the hardest connections for us to cultivate. As we explore how to thrive in them, we can apply the lessons we learn to every type of relationship.

Family
Work
Connections
Acquaintances.

If you can sharpen the way that you’re able to communicate, give, receive and thrive in your closest relationships – the ones which often push most of our buttons – frankly, everything else becomes pretty easy.

So, even if your priority right now is a connection elsewhere in your life, try reflecting on how this belief could be impacting your situation. You might be surprised at what’s revealed.

Strength, success and the role of the feminine

So where do we get this idea that we can’t “have it all” when it comes to fulfilling relationships and independence?

If you can relate to this underlying belief, it’s not surprising. There are 3 powerful factors which can come into play when we evolve assumptions like this. Do any of them apply to you?

1. Our cultural paradigm

Many cultures treat success, no matter your gender, as a concept requiring more "masculine" values. There’s an intriguing piece of research called the Hofstede model of national culture, which categorises countries as displaying masculine or feminine traits.

The UK, the United States, Australia, Germany, New Zealand, Switzerland, Italy and China all rank highly when it comes to valuing “masculine” values – things like heroism, assertiveness, and material rewards for success. More feminine ones – collaboration, consensus, care – are given lower status.

So, when we achieve highly, it's often by cultivating our strength, independence and achievement around these “masculine” areas... whilst repressing the aspects of ourselves considered to be “weaker”.

In our relationships, by contrast, adopting a competitive, individualistic approach can block us from being able to access true connection.

Regardless of our biology, we need to be able to draw on both masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves to create the conditions for deep intimacy and love.

Think about areas of life you’ve achieved success in: perhaps your career, business or leadership.
To what extent has this been based on cultivating so-called “masculine” traits?
How do these traits show up in your intimate relationships, and what impact do they have?

2. Messaging around relationships

A second factor in our understanding of relationships come from the models we’re given of what relationships look like. Think about the myth of “two halves make a whole”, or that whole “I give my whole self to you” thing.

Whether it’s in movies, commercials, or pop songs, the idea of love as being an all-encompassing experience that swallows the identity of those involved is a very common one.

In archetypal terms, the “fairytale romance” draws heavily on the idea of the Princess. The Princess is subservient. Innocent. She needs rescuing, and rarely has the independence to make her own choices.

But the Princess isn’t one of the 5 Women’s PowerTypes we use as our models for female power. Instead, we talk about the Queen, alongside Lover, Warrioress, Mother and Sorceress. These role models offer us valuable alternatives when it comes to thinking about how we might show up in our relationships, without losing our innate female strength.

What ideas of love and intimacy were you “sold” as you were growing up? When you think of a fulfilling relationship, what cultural images spring to mind – films, books, songs? Looking at them objectively, how healthy are those partnerships, and would you really want to be in them?

3. Our relationship models

In any discussion of relationships, it’s really important to recognise the role your upbringing plays. We all grow up surrounded by relationships that we absorb unconsciously as our “model” of how things are.

Maybe your parents had an unequal partnership, where one made all the big decisions. You probably know these couples in life now, right? She's the Bitch and he's the Victim, or he's the Bully and she's the Victim. They wouldn't know who to be outside of those roles.

That's what happens where one disempowering archetype meets another disempowering archetype.

So how do we begin to unravel this conditioning, and develop a new way of thinking about relationships?

Soft power and relationships

Soft power is at the heart of our methodology at One of many, and it's key to discovering a very different approach to your relationships.

By “soft” we mean agreeable, calm, gentle and yielding.

And I know that you might be reading this thinking, “I don't want to be yielding to anybody!”

But creating fulfilling relationships, just as creating a fulfilling career or becoming a powerful leader, has to involve yielding on some level. Not to another person, but to life.

To the flow of what’s happening.

It’s learning to approach challenges with gentleness; to go with your natural flow and rhythm, instead of against it.

And “power” is, from its root in middle English, simply “to be able”. It’s not having power over someone else.

In this context of relationships, power is about your capacity to love. Your ability to be in a space or connection with others, no matter what, and collaboration.

Soft power isn't weak, co-dependent, or submissive. It's a place of strength and power that comes when you let go of pushing and forcing and trying to compete, and learn instead to flow through life in a gentle and subtle way.

What makes a real relationship work is one whole person taking responsibility for themselves. One whole person coming and being in relationship with one whole other person. Together, they create a third entity: the whole relationship.

Breaking the cycle comes when you step into your soft power and begin to create a new paradigm.

Find your fulfilling connection

If you’re ready to discover some practical ways to shift things in your relationships and discover the power of true connection, join me for Love and Intimacy. It’s a free online workshop happening live on Saturday 26th October at 9am London time.

Click here to get all the details and book your free spot.

I’d love it if you could gather with us live, but if you can’t make it at that time do register anyway and we’ll make sure to send you the recording.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to talk about money

September 26, 2019 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

One of many voices: Carib Eats Founder Ali Kakande - July 2, 2020
YOUR voices have been heard - June 18, 2020
One of many women actively standing against racism - June 4, 2020

Are you comfortable talking about finances with the people in your life? Or would you rather share sex tips in a team meeting than another blow-up with your partner about long term savings plans? If you’re not sure how to talk about money in a way that feels constructive, empowering and productive, read on. I’m really passionate about this topic, and I want to share my best tips on how to talk about money without it feeling weird.

(Got your own suggestions? Make sure to leave a comment at the end – let’s open this up and share what we’ve learned!)

Before we dive in, let’s take a minute to think about why money conversations can feel so awkward. The short answer is – we often have very little experience of money being talked about in a healthy, matter of fact way.

Why you need to know how to talk about money

Many of us don’t learn about money until we start earning our own. And more often than not, that “education” comes in the form of an invitation from a “friendly” bank to sign up for a credit card. Before we know it, we’re stuck in debt or feel like we’re too old to go back to the basics.

(You’d be surprised how many “super successful” women come along to our events and confess they’ve not got the first clue when it comes to managing their money!)

Here at One of many, we have two motives for wanting to empower women when it comes to money. Firstly, we want you to feel in control of what’s happening in your life. If finances are something you feel confused, frightened or overwhelmed about, you’re never going to have the impact you’re here to.

Secondly, our mission is to change the world. We know that when women are confident to make decisions about budgets, they make excellent decisions. Global research from the World Economic Forum shows women tend to spend more on education, health and nutrition among other positive impacts. So helping you get your confidence won’t just turn things around for you and your family. It will ultimately help us change the world.

An even bigger motivation to move past the awkwardness and start talking about money, right?

So, here are 4 ways to start embracing money conversations and taking back control of your finances:

#1 Take the emotion out of money

When you’re feeling riled up or triggered, it’s really hard to have a straightforward conversation about any topic. When we run our trainings and retreats around finances, most of the women in the room aren’t there because of how much (or how little) money they have in their bank accounts.

They’re there because of how those numbers make them feel.

If your finances are connected to your self worth or your sense of fulfilment, it’s only natural that having a discussion about joint bank accounts can quickly feel like criticism.

And if you feel secretly ashamed of your financial situation, of course you’ll struggle to talk openly about making responsible choices with your kids.

Take some time to reflect on your own relationship with money.

And if you feel like you could do with some extra help, book a call with the office to find out more about our trainings and retreats by clicking here.

Our programmes are designed with women like you in mind. From online training you can work through in your own time to weekend retreats with our extraordinary coaching team, we might well have just the expert support you need to let go of your baggage.

#2 Get clear about your values

Everyone’s finances look different. We all have slightly different priorities, and there’s no right or wrong way to decide what they are.

Some people really value being able to enjoy small daily pleasures… others delight in giving up their latte habit and seeing the savings add up to a big-ticket spend.

You might be someone who really values careful investing for the long term… or be proud of the percentage of your income you donate to the causes that matter to you.

One of the biggest challenges we can face in money conversations is “justifying” our decisions. That’s because a lot of the time we’re making choices that aren’t really related to our values in a clear way; they’re just what we vaguely feel we “should” do, or are habits we’ve picked up unconsciously.

Getting clear on your values might change the decisions you make about your finances, or you might discover that your current set up aligns perfectly with what matters. Either way, you’ll feel a whole lot more confident when your priorities are top of mind, and you know your finances reflect that.

Money conversations are easier when you know what’s most important to you, and you’re clear on how your saving, spending and investing supports those values.

#3 Be careful of your language

Personally, I’ve become really conscious of the language I use about money since becoming a parent. It started when James was just a tiny toddler, starting to get interested in shiny coins. “Ooooh!” I’d say, looking at his little handful of clutched change. “Look at all those coins! Clever you, you’re so rich!”.

Unthinking comments like that started me thinking about what messages I was conveying when I modelled finances for my child. Did I really want him to associate wealth with praise and approval?

But the same applies if you’re talking to your friend, boss or partner.

Do you describe yourself as “lucky” to have a salary – even though it’s way lower than your male colleagues?

Do you tell your friends “I’m just hopeless with numbers”, instead of sharing how frustrated you feel that your partner makes the long-term financial decisions?

And how often do the words “I can’t afford it” come out of your mouth, when the truth is “It’s not a priority for me right now” would be more accurate?

Language matters. Pay attention to the stories you’re telling yourself, and see what might shift in your conversations if you changed the words you use.

#4 Talk about it

The best way to talk about money is to… well… talk about it!

Honestly, I think this is the trick so many of us are missing. We find it hard to talk about money, and so we don’t – but that only makes the next conversation more difficult.

Like any taboo subject, it takes a while to feel comfortable talking about something that’s not part of your usual repertoire.

Maybe you feel a bit awkward.

Maybe you don’t know the answers to the questions your kids have.

Maybe your friend’s offended at a question about her pension arrangements, or a well-meaning “check in” with your partner blows up into a row.

It happens. None of us are perfect, and none of us have all the answers.

But the best thing to do in situations where money talk feels hard, is take a deep breath. Acknowledge that this is new ground and that you’re trying out a new approach of being more open – laugh about it, if you can!

But keep talking.

Talk to your kids, talk to your friends’ kids, talk to your colleagues.

Let’s create a world where talking about our finances, including our mistakes and our questions and our desires, is as routine as talking about anything else.

It’s time to take the weirdness out of money! Because I think we might actually change the world if we did.

How about you

How do you feel when it comes to talking about money? Are there particular people you struggle to stay objective around, or ways you’ve found to make the conversation easier? Share your tips in the comments!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

If you feel disconnected…

July 16, 2019 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

One of many voices: Carib Eats Founder Ali Kakande - July 2, 2020
YOUR voices have been heard - June 18, 2020
One of many women actively standing against racism - June 4, 2020

One thing which makes the new paradigm of leadership distinct is the fact that it thrives not on competition – success despite others – but in collaboration and connection.

Success with and through others.

I was vividly awakened to the importance of this level of connection when I realised it was missing from my own life.

In my latest blog on joannamartin.com I’m sharing what I learned, and the steps I took to rectify the problem.

“I have a natural tendency to play solo. In the past, I’ve relied on my profound connection to Source – the universe, nature, the vision that pulls me forwards – for my connection needs, rather than other people.

I’d never seen that as a problem until I experienced really great connections in a new environment. But in that extraordinary setting, I experienced a depth of connection, and a feeling of such motivation to deepen and grow my work, that I became vividly aware of what I was missing.”

Click here to read the full article – and do share, if you’ve experienced something similar.

Guest post: How to stop judgmental thoughts

May 23, 2019 By Susie Heath

About
Latest Posts

Susie Heath

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

How to be present in your relationship - May 28, 2020
Is your relationship draining you? - February 13, 2020
Guest post: How to keep a relationship alive - December 19, 2019

Competent women all too often feel we have to supervise everything; that it’s up to us to decide if something or someone is up to scratch or not. This urge to control is often born from a deeper fear of getting things wrong. And very often it doesn’t help us – which is why knowing how to stop judgmental thoughts is such an important skill to learn.

Where judgment comes from

Did you know that most of our thoughts, feelings, and choices don’t actually belong to us? They are “borrowed” from other people, taught to us and conditioned, mostly before the age of 2. We grow up looking at the world and our relationships through these conditioned reactions.

Judgment, tolerance and acceptance put massive limitations around the possibilities in our own lives and in our relationships. Because they are all ways of closing down potential.

Judgment in relationships

We judge our own sex as well as the opposite sex, and we carry with us deep-rooted cultural judgments of each other.

For women, there is the unspoken historical accusation of tempting man away from his connection with God. Laughable though this may seem in our modern age, it is deeply imprinted in our cellular memory. And of course there are all the other damaging stereotypes and assumptions that have been used to oppress and stifle women’s freedom and power.

Men carry deep guilt too. They have been taught that nothing good came from man, only from woman; that they are bad not only for having suppressed women, but also for putting them through the pain and suffering of childbirth. At an unconscious level, men often feel they have to heal and make up for all the damage done. That can show up as trying to solve problems – but also as resentment.

We each hold assumptions about the other sex which come out in our behaviour and verbally towards each other, as you will hear in many conversations.

So imagine how it would be to stop invalidating each other.

It’s time to stop devaluing yourself and let go of all these judgments – to look for the greatness in the other and in yourself, rather than the limitations.

How we judge ourselves

You will be amazed how many of us judge ourselves to be wrong much of the time, because we hide it so well.

For instance,

Some religions have taught us that we are born in sin, live in sin and that sex is sinful. When you judge this, you make your very existence wrong, and limit who you are.
We judge our body and our talents for not being enough
If someone else rejects us we make ourselves wrong, rather than acknowledging that it’s just their point of view.

Thus we walk around with the “wrongness” of us locked into every cell. Our sensuality feels like wrongness, and even our joy feels like wrongness as if we are supposed to be as sad as everyone else.

When we judge ourselves we have no option but to judge others. That’s because in order to judge anything, whether good or bad, we have to have been there and done it ourselves at some level, even if only in our imagination.

It’s the difference between “What’s that?” (excitement and curiosity) or “Ooh, gross” (judgment).

The habit here is to look for the wrongness of you – it’s one we’ve all been indoctrinated in from day 1. If you’ve not conformed, you are told you are wrong, and so in order to protect yourself, you automatically look for the wrongness in others.

Judgments and limitations stop us seeing the real person in front of us and create barriers between us; they are solid and unmoving. In judging, we buy into points of view that keep us trapped.

We lock definitions of ourselves into our body that we are too young, too old, too stupid, too pink, too blue, too different, but it’s all programming. We can’t receive goodness and kindness when we create these barriers.

The more you eliminate barriers, the more information falls into your consciousness, and awareness of everything increases, which makes life so much more interesting and exciting.

How many definitions have you locked into your body? Be willing to be the inspiration and start to see the beauty that you truly are.

So what’s the solution – more tolerance and acceptance?

A word on tolerance and acceptance: To tolerate someone’s behaviour is in itself judgmental and has an element of superiority about it, as if you are better than them. It is seeing the wrongness of someone and despite that, agreeing to put up with it.

Acceptance is a begrudging of someone and who they are, and neither of these have any heart in them.

So what can you do to turn this round? Are you willing to take a risk of being open to creating something far more dynamic, where you can choose with far greater awareness?

The risk of non-judgment

Choosing to question your judgmental thoughts can feel risky at first. In asking yourself whether your judgment of someone is necessary, you’re calling into question what you believe to be true.

But a risk is a very special opportunity to transform.

We can hold on so tightly to our own beliefs and “stuff” that there is no room for anything else; we get weak if we avoid taking risks and we lose energy.

Trusting someone is a risk, and there may be some disappointment. But you don’t have to give so much importance to disappointment.

The fact that you are alive and reading this means that you are far stronger than you think, and that you can support your mistakes in life.

So when would now be a good time to let go of all these limitations and jump out? It is far better to have 1000 disappointments than not take enough risks.

It’s time to stop creating yourself as the limited being you pretend to be and claim and own the magnificence of who you are.

How to stop judgmental thoughts

So let’s get practical here. Where can you start when it comes to stopping judgmental thoughts for good?

Just saying “I won’t think that any more” probably won’t help. Instead, the trick is to begin to change the script you’re habitually using.

Start by asking yourself more powerful questions. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you ask yourself.

When you ask questions such as “What has to happen to…?” or “Who do I need to become in order to change …?” your life will expand.

Life-contracting questions such as “Why?” produce life-contracting answers.

“Why can’t I find the right person to be with?” will bring out all sorts of negative answers – because you’re too old/too fat/too thin/too young/too intelligent/too stupid/ green/bald/short/tall.

In the same way, asking “Why can’t my boss make a sensible decision?” probably won’t be a fruitful line of questioning for you.

Using “What/ when/where/ who questions instead, encourage the unconscious mind to expand and awaken, to come up with new experiences to guide you into a new way of enjoying your life.

Living in the question is the only way to break free and allows the expression of who you really are and who the other person is.

In turn this creates depth, harmony, excitement, newness, a sense of wonder and awe.

“What has to happen for me to…?”
“How can I help create…”
“Where do I need to focus my attention right now?”
“How can I honor and nurture my body today?

Start looking for the greatness and the possibility, rather than the limitations, in yourself and others.

Living free from judgment

When we’re afraid of being judged, we try and stay invisible and not let others see how amazing we are. Of course, they then do the same.

Take the lid off the box and let yourself out. Give up the sadness and embody the joy.

Dare to let go of all the things you’ve pretended to be – it’s such a relief.

When you are in allowance of who the other person is, it takes away such a large amount of effort. It’s just a point of view – neither right nor wrong.

So if you take away judgment and decision, what is left? There is choice. You can choose moment by moment how you want to live and love.

Be at choice instead of decision.
Be in allowance instead of tolerance and acceptance.
Be in awareness rather than judgment.

It will change your life.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

3 people every leader needs on her team

May 9, 2019 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

One of many voices: Carib Eats Founder Ali Kakande - July 2, 2020
YOUR voices have been heard - June 18, 2020
One of many women actively standing against racism - June 4, 2020

If you want to be the most effective leader you can be, you can’t do it on your own. Sometimes that means making sure you have specialist support on a nitty-gritty level – team members to delegate to, or support around practical things like childcare. But today I want to talk about 3 people every leader needs on her team beyond those specific roles. These are essential levels of support for your growth on a wider level, and if you’re serious about making a difference they’re not to be ignored.

What do we mean by team?

Before we start, a quick note on what I mean by “team”. I’m not talking necessarily about the people you work directly alongside, or manage, as part of your day to day job. They might not be directly connected to your current role at all. Here, I’m using team in a much wider sense – the people you’re connected with who can help you move in the direction of your goals.

A metaphor we often use in our leadership training is that of the “leader as weaver”. In a piece of fabric, every single strand is supported by – and supports in turn – every other strand. We can’t point to a beautiful bolt of silk and say that this strand is more important than that one. Every single one is important.

When you think about your unique and vital role in this world, it’s really helpful in my experience to remember that you’re not doing it on your own. Your role, and your purpose, is unique to you. But in fulfilling your life’s work, you’ll also be supporting a whole network of others – the other “threads” which are touching yours – in big and small ways.

And in turn, everyone you come into contact with has the potential to enable you to shine that little bit brighter. So today I want to walk you through 3 really important people you’ll want to have in your wider network in order to make you the most effective leader you can be.

3 people every leader needs on her team

1. A sponsor or mentor

Let’s start with sponsors and mentors. If you imagine a grid network of threads in a piece of fabric, with you in the middle, we could think of them as being above you. That’s not to say they’re more important, but when it comes to the difference you’re trying to make they might just be a little bit further along the path.

I define mentors very simply as people who have walked the path before you. They care about you and they’re available to answer questions, but they’re not proactively furthering things for you all the time, necessarily.

Sponsors, on the other hand, are a particular subcategory of mentors, which are people who have a very vested interest in your success – people who really want to open doors for you.

If you’re in an organization it might be someone in the C Suite that’s taken a particular interest in your journey
It might be someone inside your church group who’s really watching out for you and checking in on you every Sunday
It might be a teacher or facilitator who you connected with some years ago, and have stayed in touch with

It’s someone who deeply cares about your career path, or deeply cares about the wellbeing of your project. Someone who, for whatever reason, is particularly interested and is actively working for you, almost as much as they work for (and sometimes maybe even more) than they work for themselves.

If you’ve experienced that kind of support, you can probably recall how good it feels. Mentors and sponsors have the wisdom and experience to reassure you when you hit a bump in the road, or to remind you that you’ll make it through the specific challenges you’re facing. They might have specific advice or they may simply be there to say “keep going – you’re doing great” or “this is always how it feels at this stage”.

They may be able to smooth your path and make introductions; warn you of potential pitfalls and difficulties; or put your day-to-day difficulties into perspective.

Sponsors and mentors: a warning

If you’ve only got sponsors and mentors, you can run the risk of feeling “less than”. Which makes sense, doesn’t it? You’re only comparing yourself to those that are further along or more awesome.

In fact, in a worst-case scenario you can sometimes find yourself falling into victim mode, or getting a bit co-dependent and saying things like “This isn’t working because my mentor is not doing what they should be.”

Over the years I’ve mentored a lot of business people, and sometimes people join Business Masterminds thinking that my role as leader is to somehow “fix” whatever’s not working for them. It’s an unhelpful mentality, which rather than helping you grow can ultimately hold you back.

The best way to guard against that is to make sure the other elements of your support network are in place.

2. A charge, or mentee

Now, going back to this idea of a woven “grid” pattern, when a fabric is woven together there are also going to be threads running beneath yours. These are just as important as the ones above you when it comes to supporting you and holding you in place.

These are the people I call your charges, or mentees. People for whom you’re a bit further on the path, and who you’re helping along.

A charge is the flipside of the mentor/sponsor – someone very special, who you care about, and who you’re wanting to get doors open for.

So you might be acting as a sponsor to them and really driving things forward, actively networking on their behalf and helping create opportunities.

Or perhaps you’re in more of a mentor role, there to answer questions or perhaps have informal check-ins on a regular basis, just to share the benefit of your experience.

If you’re being mentored by someone yourself and you’ve found yourself falling into the trap of only comparing yourself to them, then becoming a mentor to someone else can be an incredibly powerful experience. Suddenly, you’ll become aware of how much you do know about your industry or profession. You might find there are aspects of your role you’ve been completely taking for granted – but when you’re asked about them, you realize that you really do have some expertise to share.

One surprising bonus of having a charge is that they can also bring a fresh perspective. The Zen concept of “beginner’s mind” states that someone who’s new to a challenge often has far more ideas for how to solve it, because they’re not constrained by ideas of how things are “always done” or that “could never work”. So being a mentor can help invigorate your own work in surprising ways.

Alyssa Wrapp is the managing partner of AJR venturers, a management lecturer at Stanford University, and a wife and mother. In a piece for Forbes magazine she shared the benefit she’s found of ensuring she has both these kinds of support in her network:

“As a mentee, I have benefitted from the deep experience of people who have made a personal investment in me; as a mentor, I have accelerated other people’s learning and career growth just by investing time and insight, which has been incredibly gratifying. Furthermore, when I take the time to mentor someone, my company or organization often benefits from this relationship.”

Alyssa Wrapp

3. Peers

The third pillar of support that’s essential for you as you contnue your leadership journey is your peers. One way to think about them in this “fabric” metaphor would be as the vertical threads running along either side of you.

Your peers are those people that are at the same level as you on the journey. Not further along the path, not less along the path, but about the same level.

They’re there to champion and cheerlead you, have fun with you, and inspire you when you’re feeling a bit down. They might be a group you’re a part of, like a mastermind, or your cohort in an extended program like our year-long Lead the Change leadership training.

In your workspace, they’re people who are at roughly the same level as you when it comes to experience and responsibilities; they might be your fellow mums, or your business network.

When you get together with people who are on exactly the same part of the journey as you, you get to laugh about stuff together. Often, there’s a real relief that comes with poking fun at the daily frustrations of your role or debriefing about what you’ve recently learned. That kind of cameraderie can really lift you up.

If you don’t have peers, and you’ve only got those that you’re looking up to, and those that you’re helping along, it can feel like a pretty lonely old journey. Because you don’t necessarily feel the fun, and the love, and the inspiration with those relationships. And they’re not as attuned to the details and the challenges that you’re experiencing day in and day out on your path.

Connected, integrated, aligned

Every layer of this support is necessary if you’re going to truly thrive as a leader.

Because without this strong fabric of support, we can end up feeling quite isolated. We can feel alone. We can end up in superwoman. And we can feel either smarter than everyone or dumber than everyone depending on which elements of the fabric are missing.

So, we want to be able to orientate ourselves as close to the truth of how things are and feel as supported as is possible. This is the state in which we’ll experience the most profound, and sustainable, growth.

How strong is your fabric?

Take a moment to reflect for yourself on these 3 people – sponsors or mentors, charges, and peers. Can you identify one person fulfilling each of those roles in your life right now? Can you identify more than one?
If there were a few actions that needed to be put in place to strengthen out that fabric, what might they need to be?

Take a couple of minutes to give some thought to that, and jot down some ideas. And if you’d like some specific support around a particular area of your life and are interested in joining one of our retreats or leadership trainings, click here to find out more about our programs.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Guest blog: What to do when they won’t listen to you

May 2, 2019 By Oona Alexander

About
Latest Posts

Oona Alexander

Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

Latest posts by Oona Alexander (see all)

Guest blog: What to do when they won’t listen to you - May 2, 2019

Do your children do things when you ask them to? Or, are you like most parents I speak with, frustrated because your children won’t listen or respond when you need them to? If you’d love to know what to do when they won’t listen to you, you’re not alone.

Here’s an example of what I hear regularly:

You ask your child to get ready to leave the house, come off the iPad or stop provoking a sibling. You might repeat yourself a few times with no result, so you get frustrated and start raising your voice.

If there’s still no response – or just a “No, I don’t want to” – things can escalate. You may end up shouting, issuing random punishments or confiscating their favourite things.

Finally, you’re lying awake at night feeling so bad, because the last thing you wanted was to become that mean, shouty parent. You desperately want your family to be peaceful – a place where everyone feels loved.

Is this what you’re experiencing?

What most parents don’t realise about this scenario is that you and your children are in a power struggle. You feel like you have to make them do things, which is utterly draining. Although you win eventually, it feels like a hollow victory, bringing a sense of disconnect between you and the children.

And here’s the bigger picture with power struggles. They make it hard to create the happy, connected family life that I know you want, because they’re exhausting and create ‘us and them’ dynamics, driving parents and children apart.

But here’s the good news.

You can transform this dynamic in a heartbeat, by connecting with your children.

The power of connection when they won’t listen

The reason children ignore us in the first place is because they’re not feeling connected to us or what we’re saying.

So, when they won’t listen, connection is the solution to the problem. The reason it works is because as humans we’re wired to connect – and children even more so. In any given moment your child will be connecting with an activity, a plaything, a screen or a squabble.

If you can provide connection, by helping your child feel seen, heard and loved, they’ll be more willing to let go of what’s in front of them and listen and pay attention to you. Their resistance is lowered and bringing them to do things becomes much easier.

This is true whatever stage of parenting you’re at, whether you’ve got a toddler or a teenager. It can even work with the adults in your life – colleagues, perhaps, or your partner.

And, although it does involve a bit of mindful slowing down, connecting doesn’t need to take long.

How to create connection – fast

Here’s one way you can connect with your child when they won’t listen or they’re zoning you out:

1) Put aside, for a moment, your point of view, letting go of any need to be right. I know this sounds a bit tough, counter-intuitive even, but the rewards are well worth the effort.

2) Step imaginatively into your child’s shoes and see the situation from their point of view. Then express empathy with your child about how they’re feeling about things:

“I bet you’d love to play Lego all day.”
“I hear you. You don’t want to go to school today.”
“Looks like you want to watch until the end of the video.”

When you express empathy like this, your child feels heard and understood – and that vital connection with you is restored.

3) The next step is to invite your child to do what you had in mind.

Connection in practice

Here’s an example of how a mum I worked with used this approach, while she and her family were packing up to go on holiday. She’d asked her seven year old son to clear up the Nerf gun bullets which were all over the living room.

“No!” he said. “Don’t want to!”

Previously this mum would have told her son off, thinking, “This shouldn’t be happening. I can’t have rudeness. He should help with the chores.”

But, having discovered empathy, she saw his resistance in a new light. She understood that it was his way of expressing that he wasn’t getting what he needed: the connection with her.

So she empathised with her son:

“You haven’t had any attention for two whole hours, have you? Daddy and I have been so busy packing up. You probably feel a bit forgotten about.”

Her son beamed at her, which was a sign that he now felt connected. His behaviour confirmed this because he then happily started clearing up the bullets.

In fact, he went on to do an amazing job, pulling out the sofa and putting away some other stuff as well.

That’s the power of empathy.

Empathy brings softness

When we soften and empathise with children’s point of view, children soften in response. Softening means letting go of our need for our children to behave as we want them to, for a moment, and our need to be right – and focussing on how our children might be feeling.

This may feel like a challenge, but, believe me, needing to be right is getting in the way of you having the family life you want. Softening doesn’t mean becoming a pushover. Softening means you prioritise having a connection with your child and making a commitment to them feeling seen, heard and loved.

And I promise you that with this radically loving approach you’ll transform your relationship with your child and make day-to-day family life go much more smoothly.

I hope this blog has inspired you to start using connection and empathy in your family, so you can build stronger relationships with your children and create the relaxed and happy family life you want.

To find out more about my radically loving approach and how to put empathy into practice, click here to download my free guide Solve the Struggle with your Kids.

It shares 6 Wise Parenting Powers to help you raise a secure and happy family.

About Oona

Radical love advocate | Nature freak | Perfectly imperfect mum

Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

Guest blog: Your most intimate relationship (it’s not what you think)

March 20, 2019 By Almira Ross

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Almira Ross

Dr Almira Ross is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Your smartphone is your new BFF – Best Friend Forever

It might sound like a shocking statement, but take a minute to think about it. Your phone is your constant companion, with you pretty much 24/7: always on, always engaging, always demanding your attention. The smartphone has opened up a world that is irresistible. Where else can you

• Run your business,
• Work wherever you happen to be,
• Explore your neighbourhood,
• Shop to your heart’s content,
• Answer emails,
• Check the weather,
• Have a video chat with friends and family halfway around the world,
• Watch a cute video, or
• Take a photo of your meal and share it with everyone you know?

All at the swipe of a finger. Without having to leave the sofa. Or your desk. Or your seat at the restaurant.

You wake with it; quick to check your messages and email; carry it with you everywhere you go.

Maybe you even take it to bed with you to monitor the quality of your sleep.

Technology has advanced dramatically in the past 10 years. It’s only 12 years since Steve Jobs announced the first iPhone, yet this technology has rapidly become so much a part of our daily lives, we simply can’t live without it. For many, that dependency is now bordering on addiction, a worrying trend.

You don’t need to look far to see signs of it

I’m sitting at a posh restaurant in London. Fresh linen table cloth, silver service, a beautiful single yellow rose on the table, soothing atmosphere.

My husband, Michael, and I were having a deliciously romantic evening. As we sat sipping our before dinner drinks and sharing our lives from the day, I looked over at a younger couple at a table opposite us.

Like us, they had been seated opposite one another at their table. Their meal had already been served. Instead of enjoying it, each of them had their noses in their smartphones, thumbs flashing rapidly as they busily texted or posted on social media. Oblivious to one another and to everything around them.

Travelling into central London on the tube yesterday, I noticed that easily 9 out of every 10 passengers in my crowded carriage were having a love affair with their mobiles. It’s so easy, so convenient, so natural. And so addictive.

Your phone does make your life better and easier in so many ways. But at what cost to you and your loved ones? And what can you do about your own phone usage and that of your family, if technology has taken over your lives?

What does your screen time cost you?

When you spend so much time on your phone, connected to your online world, you can easily disconnect from those people who are nearest and dearest to you, and they from you.

You’re physically together, yet miles apart in your own separate worlds. Even if you are aware of this distance, it can be really hard to wean yourself and your family off their devices. Your technology and the world this opens up to you is sooooo irresistible.

When we step into the online world of cyberspace from our living room, our office or on the daily commute, we think this world is the same as the real world we’re sitting in. It isn’t.

It’s much more interactive and stimulating. We can go anywhere, explore whatever takes our fancy, and lose track of time (time we often class as wasted…)

Online, we can be different people

Research has revealed some fascinating (and scary!) trends in our behaviour online. We think we behave there as we do in the real world, but often we don’t.

We act ‘drunk’ – becoming less inhibited, more adventurous and willing to take risks.

In cyberspace, no one’s in charge; we can be anonymous or take on whatever persona we fancy; there’s a distance, a separation, between us and those we connect with.

With that distance and anonymity and without any perceived authority, we let go of inhibitions — a condition psychologists refer to as disinhibition.

We feel it’s safer than the real world and that connecting with people here somehow carries fewer risks. It isn’t and it doesn’t. If anything, it’s a far riskier place.

Problem behaviours can become bigger online. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a flaming email, aggressive texts or offensive posts, you’ll know how distressing this can be. And how quickly that behaviour can escalate. Behaviours that are socially unacceptable in our ‘real world’ can find a home and become normal in cyberspace. Porn, right and left wing extremists, self-harm, and unusual fetishes all have a home online. You find your tribe, and the behaviour is no longer ostracised; it’s celebrated.

This is especially worrying for children and teens, who often access adult material without either the emotional or mental maturity to handle it.

It’s so enticing, it’s addictive. In fact, this is a growing problem for adults, too.

So what can we do?

Technology per se is neither good nor bad. It’s a tool, one I’m passionate we women master so that we can lead the change we want to see in this world. Master that technology; not be its servant.

1. Mastery begins with awareness

Just how much time do you spend on your phone? The answer might surprise you. It certainly did me, when I set up the Moments app on my phone (iOS and Android) to check my own phone usage. I was shocked to discover I was spending over twice as much time as I thought.

Moments keeps track of the number of times and the length of time you spend on your phone. The beauty of this app is that you can set limits for yourself, and your family. It’s the first step towards understanding your phone use. And then making changes.

2. Get unplugged.

Agree boundaries around screen time for yourself and your family. Tech leaders like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates really restricted their children’s use of technology. The same is true for many other parents whose primary role is technology based. We understand the dangers.

Even a rule like no devices at the dinner table, or in the last 2 hours before bed can make a huge difference to your relationships — and your health. Reducing screen time limits the impact of electromagnetic radiation (EMR) on your body.

3. Enjoy your phone – consciously

And indeed all the powerful digital technology that’s available to us today. Explore the wonderful world it opens up for you, to learn and grow, to reach thousands of people around the world with your message and make your difference in this world.

Just treat it like the useful tool it is. Master it with discernment and it will serve you well.

Dr Almira Ross is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Almira, click here. Or for a taste of her work, click here to visit her website.

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