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Guest post: How to stop judgmental thoughts

By

Susie Heath

Susie Heath

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.
Susie Heath

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

Competent women all too often feel we have to supervise everything; that it’s up to us to decide if something or someone is up to scratch or not. This urge to control is often born from a deeper fear of getting things wrong. And very often it doesn’t help us – which is why knowing how to stop judgmental thoughts is such an important skill to learn.

Where judgment comes from

Did you know that most of our thoughts, feelings, and choices don’t actually belong to us? They are “borrowed” from other people, taught to us and conditioned, mostly before the age of 2. We grow up looking at the world and our relationships through these conditioned reactions.

Judgment, tolerance and acceptance put massive limitations around the possibilities in our own lives and in our relationships. Because they are all ways of closing down potential.

Judgment in relationships

We judge our own sex as well as the opposite sex, and we carry with us deep-rooted cultural judgments of each other.

For women, there is the unspoken historical accusation of tempting man away from his connection with God. Laughable though this may seem in our modern age, it is deeply imprinted in our cellular memory. And of course there are all the other damaging stereotypes and assumptions that have been used to oppress and stifle women’s freedom and power.

Men carry deep guilt too. They have been taught that nothing good came from man, only from woman; that they are bad not only for having suppressed women, but also for putting them through the pain and suffering of childbirth. At an unconscious level, men often feel they have to heal and make up for all the damage done. That can show up as trying to solve problems – but also as resentment.

We each hold assumptions about the other sex which come out in our behaviour and verbally towards each other, as you will hear in many conversations.

So imagine how it would be to stop invalidating each other.

It’s time to stop devaluing yourself and let go of all these judgments – to look for the greatness in the other and in yourself, rather than the limitations.

How we judge ourselves

You will be amazed how many of us judge ourselves to be wrong much of the time, because we hide it so well.

For instance,

  • Some religions have taught us that we are born in sin, live in sin and that sex is sinful. When you judge this, you make your very existence wrong, and limit who you are.
  • We judge our body and our talents for not being enough
  • If someone else rejects us we make ourselves wrong, rather than acknowledging that it’s just their point of view.

Thus we walk around with the “wrongness” of us locked into every cell. Our sensuality feels like wrongness, and even our joy feels like wrongness as if we are supposed to be as sad as everyone else.

When we judge ourselves we have no option but to judge others. That’s because in order to judge anything, whether good or bad, we have to have been there and done it ourselves at some level, even if only in our imagination.

It’s the difference between “What’s that?” (excitement and curiosity) or “Ooh, gross” (judgment).

The habit here is to look for the wrongness of you – it’s one we’ve all been indoctrinated in from day 1. If you’ve not conformed, you are told you are wrong, and so in order to protect yourself, you automatically look for the wrongness in others.

Judgments and limitations stop us seeing the real person in front of us and create barriers between us; they are solid and unmoving. In judging, we buy into points of view that keep us trapped.

We lock definitions of ourselves into our body that we are too young, too old, too stupid, too pink, too blue, too different, but it’s all programming. We can’t receive goodness and kindness when we create these barriers.

The more you eliminate barriers, the more information falls into your consciousness, and awareness of everything increases, which makes life so much more interesting and exciting.

How many definitions have you locked into your body? Be willing to be the inspiration and start to see the beauty that you truly are.

So what’s the solution – more tolerance and acceptance?

A word on tolerance and acceptance: To tolerate someone’s behaviour is in itself judgmental and has an element of superiority about it, as if you are better than them. It is seeing the wrongness of someone and despite that, agreeing to put up with it.

Acceptance is a begrudging of someone and who they are, and neither of these have any heart in them.

So what can you do to turn this round? Are you willing to take a risk of being open to creating something far more dynamic, where you can choose with far greater awareness?

The risk of non-judgment

Choosing to question your judgmental thoughts can feel risky at first. In asking yourself whether your judgment of someone is necessary, you’re calling into question what you believe to be true.

But a risk is a very special opportunity to transform.

We can hold on so tightly to our own beliefs and “stuff” that there is no room for anything else; we get weak if we avoid taking risks and we lose energy.

Trusting someone is a risk, and there may be some disappointment. But you don’t have to give so much importance to disappointment.

The fact that you are alive and reading this means that you are far stronger than you think, and that you can support your mistakes in life.

So when would now be a good time to let go of all these limitations and jump out? It is far better to have 1000 disappointments than not take enough risks.

It’s time to stop creating yourself as the limited being you pretend to be and claim and own the magnificence of who you are.

How to stop judgmental thoughts

So let’s get practical here. Where can you start when it comes to stopping judgmental thoughts for good?

Just saying “I won’t think that any more” probably won’t help. Instead, the trick is to begin to change the script you’re habitually using.

Start by asking yourself more powerful questions. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you ask yourself.

When you ask questions such as “What has to happen to…?” or “Who do I need to become in order to change …?” your life will expand.

Life-contracting questions such as “Why?” produce life-contracting answers.

“Why can’t I find the right person to be with?” will bring out all sorts of negative answers – because you’re too old/too fat/too thin/too young/too intelligent/too stupid/ green/bald/short/tall.

In the same way, asking “Why can’t my boss make a sensible decision?” probably won’t be a fruitful line of questioning for you.

Using “What/ when/where/ who questions instead, encourage the unconscious mind to expand and awaken, to come up with new experiences to guide you into a new way of enjoying your life.

Living in the question is the only way to break free and allows the expression of who you really are and who the other person is.

In turn this creates depth, harmony, excitement, newness, a sense of wonder and awe.

“What has to happen for me to…?”
“How can I help create…”
“Where do I need to focus my attention right now?”
“How can I honor and nurture my body today?

Start looking for the greatness and the possibility, rather than the limitations, in yourself and others.

Living free from judgment

When we’re afraid of being judged, we try and stay invisible and not let others see how amazing we are. Of course, they then do the same.

Take the lid off the box and let yourself out. Give up the sadness and embody the joy.

Dare to let go of all the things you’ve pretended to be – it’s such a relief.

When you are in allowance of who the other person is, it takes away such a large amount of effort. It’s just a point of view – neither right nor wrong.

So if you take away judgment and decision, what is left? There is choice. You can choose moment by moment how you want to live and love.

Be at choice instead of decision.
Be in allowance instead of tolerance and acceptance.
Be in awareness rather than judgment.

It will change your life.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

 

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3 people every leader needs on her team

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you want to be the most effective leader you can be, you can’t do it on your own. Sometimes that means making sure you have specialist support on a nitty-gritty level – team members to delegate to, or support around practical things like childcare. But today I want to talk about 3 people every leader needs on her team beyond those specific roles. These are essential levels of support for your growth on a wider level, and if you’re serious about making a difference they’re not to be ignored.

What do we mean by team?

Before we start, a quick note on what I mean by “team”. I’m not talking necessarily about the people you work directly alongside, or manage, as part of your day to day job. They might not be directly connected to your current role at all. Here, I’m using team in a much wider sense – the people you’re connected with who can help you move in the direction of your goals.

A metaphor we often use in our leadership training is that of the “leader as weaver”. In a piece of fabric, every single strand is supported by – and supports in turn – every other strand. We can’t point to a beautiful bolt of silk and say that this strand is more important than that one. Every single one is important.

When you think about your unique and vital role in this world, it’s really helpful in my experience to remember that you’re not doing it on your own. Your role, and your purpose, is unique to you. But in fulfilling your life’s work, you’ll also be supporting a whole network of others – the other “threads” which are touching yours – in big and small ways.

And in turn, everyone you come into contact with has the potential to enable you to shine that little bit brighter. So today I want to walk you through 3 really important people you’ll want to have in your wider network in order to make you the most effective leader you can be.

3 people every leader needs on her team

1. A sponsor or mentor

Let’s start with sponsors and mentors. If you imagine a grid network of threads in a piece of fabric, with you in the middle, we could think of them as being above you. That’s not to say they’re more important, but when it comes to the difference you’re trying to make they might just be a little bit further along the path.

I define mentors very simply as people who have walked the path before you. They care about you and they’re available to answer questions, but they’re not proactively furthering things for you all the time, necessarily.

Sponsors, on the other hand, are a particular subcategory of mentors, which are people who have a very vested interest in your success – people who really want to open doors for you.

  • If you’re in an organization it might be someone in the C Suite that’s taken a particular interest in your journey
  • It might be someone inside your church group who’s really watching out for you and checking in on you every Sunday
  • It might be a teacher or facilitator who you connected with some years ago, and have stayed in touch with

It’s someone who deeply cares about your career path, or deeply cares about the wellbeing of your project. Someone who, for whatever reason, is particularly interested and is actively working for you, almost as much as they work for (and sometimes maybe even more) than they work for themselves.

If you’ve experienced that kind of support, you can probably recall how good it feels. Mentors and sponsors have the wisdom and experience to reassure you when you hit a bump in the road, or to remind you that you’ll make it through the specific challenges you’re facing. They might have specific advice or they may simply be there to say “keep going – you’re doing great” or “this is always how it feels at this stage”.

They may be able to smooth your path and make introductions; warn you of potential pitfalls and difficulties; or put your day-to-day difficulties into perspective.

Sponsors and mentors: a warning

If you’ve only got sponsors and mentors, you can run the risk of feeling “less than”. Which makes sense, doesn’t it? You’re only comparing yourself to those that are further along or more awesome.

In fact, in a worst-case scenario you can sometimes find yourself falling into victim mode, or getting a bit co-dependent and saying things like “This isn’t working because my mentor is not doing what they should be.”

Over the years I’ve mentored a lot of business people, and sometimes people join Business Masterminds thinking that my role as leader is to somehow “fix” whatever’s not working for them. It’s an unhelpful mentality, which rather than helping you grow can ultimately hold you back.

The best way to guard against that is to make sure the other elements of your support network are in place.

2. A charge, or mentee

Now, going back to this idea of a woven “grid” pattern, when a fabric is woven together there are also going to be threads running beneath yours. These are just as important as the ones above you when it comes to supporting you and holding you in place.

These are the people I call your charges, or mentees. People for whom you’re a bit further on the path, and who you’re helping along.

A charge is the flipside of the mentor/sponsor – someone very special, who you care about, and who you’re wanting to get doors open for.

So you might be acting as a sponsor to them and really driving things forward, actively networking on their behalf and helping create opportunities.

Or perhaps you’re in more of a mentor role, there to answer questions or perhaps have informal check-ins on a regular basis, just to share the benefit of your experience.

If you’re being mentored by someone yourself and you’ve found yourself falling into the trap of only comparing yourself to them, then becoming a mentor to someone else can be an incredibly powerful experience. Suddenly, you’ll become aware of how much you do know about your industry or profession. You might find there are aspects of your role you’ve been completely taking for granted – but when you’re asked about them, you realize that you really do have some expertise to share.

One surprising bonus of having a charge is that they can also bring a fresh perspective. The Zen concept of “beginner’s mind” states that someone who’s new to a challenge often has far more ideas for how to solve it, because they’re not constrained by ideas of how things are “always done” or that “could never work”. So being a mentor can help invigorate your own work in surprising ways.

Alyssa Wrapp is the managing partner of AJR venturers, a management lecturer at Stanford University, and a wife and mother. In a piece for Forbes magazine she shared the benefit she’s found of ensuring she has both these kinds of support in her network:

“As a mentee, I have benefitted from the deep experience of people who have made a personal investment in me; as a mentor, I have accelerated other people’s learning and career growth just by investing time and insight, which has been incredibly gratifying. Furthermore, when I take the time to mentor someone, my company or organization often benefits from this relationship.”

Alyssa Wrapp

3. Peers

The third pillar of support that’s essential for you as you contnue your leadership journey is your peers. One way to think about them in this “fabric” metaphor would be as the vertical threads running along either side of you.

Your peers are those people that are at the same level as you on the journey. Not further along the path, not less along the path, but about the same level.

They’re there to champion and cheerlead you, have fun with you, and inspire you when you’re feeling a bit down. They might be a group you’re a part of, like a mastermind, or your cohort in an extended program like our year-long Lead the Change leadership training.

In your workspace, they’re people who are at roughly the same level as you when it comes to experience and responsibilities; they might be your fellow mums, or your business network.

When you get together with people who are on exactly the same part of the journey as you, you get to laugh about stuff together. Often, there’s a real relief that comes with poking fun at the daily frustrations of your role or debriefing about what you’ve recently learned. That kind of cameraderie can really lift you up.

If you don’t have peers, and you’ve only got those that you’re looking up to, and those that you’re helping along, it can feel like a pretty lonely old journey. Because you don’t necessarily feel the fun, and the love, and the inspiration with those relationships. And they’re not as attuned to the details and the challenges that you’re experiencing day in and day out on your path.

Connected, integrated, aligned

Every layer of this support is necessary if you’re going to truly thrive as a leader.

Because without this strong fabric of support, we can end up feeling quite isolated. We can feel alone. We can end up in superwoman. And we can feel either smarter than everyone or dumber than everyone depending on which elements of the fabric are missing.

So, we want to be able to orientate ourselves as close to the truth of how things are and feel as supported as is possible. This is the state in which we’ll experience the most profound, and sustainable, growth. 

How strong is your fabric?

  • Take a moment to reflect for yourself on these 3 people – sponsors or mentors, charges, and peers. Can you identify one person fulfilling each of those roles in your life right now? Can you identify more than one?
  • If there were a few actions that needed to be put in place to strengthen out that fabric, what might they need to be?

Take a couple of minutes to give some thought to that, and jot down some ideas. And if you’d like some specific support around a particular area of your life and are interested in joining one of our retreats or leadership trainings, click here to find out more about our programs.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: What to do when they won’t listen to you

By

Oona Alexander

Oona Alexander

Oona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.
Oona Alexander

Latest posts by Oona Alexander (see all)

Do your children do things when you ask them to? Or, are you like most parents I speak with, frustrated because your children won’t listen or respond when you need them to? If you’d love to know what to do when they won’t listen to you, you’re not alone.

Here’s an example of what I hear regularly:

You ask your child to get ready to leave the house, come off the iPad or stop provoking a sibling. You might repeat yourself a few times with no result, so you get frustrated and start raising your voice.

If there’s still no response – or just a “No, I don’t want to” – things can escalate. You may end up shouting, issuing random punishments or confiscating their favourite things.

Finally, you’re lying awake at night feeling so bad, because the last thing you wanted was to become that mean, shouty parent. You desperately want your family to be peaceful – a place where everyone feels loved.

Is this what you’re experiencing?

What most parents don’t realise about this scenario is that you and your children are in a power struggle. You feel like you have to make them do things, which is utterly draining. Although you win eventually, it feels like a hollow victory, bringing a sense of disconnect between you and the children.

And here’s the bigger picture with power struggles. They make it hard to create the happy, connected family life that I know you want, because they’re exhausting and create ‘us and them’ dynamics, driving parents and children apart.

But here’s the good news.

You can transform this dynamic in a heartbeat, by connecting with your children.

The power of connection when they won’t listen

The reason children ignore us in the first place is because they’re not feeling connected to us or what we’re saying.

So, when they won’t listen, connection is the solution to the problem. The reason it works is because as humans we’re wired to connect – and children even more so. In any given moment your child will be connecting with an activity, a plaything, a screen or a squabble.

If you can provide connection, by helping your child feel seen, heard and loved, they’ll be more willing to let go of what’s in front of them and listen and pay attention to you. Their resistance is lowered and bringing them to do things becomes much easier.

This is true whatever stage of parenting you’re at, whether you’ve got a toddler or a teenager. It can even work with the adults in your life – colleagues, perhaps, or your partner.

And, although it does involve a bit of mindful slowing down, connecting doesn’t need to take long.

How to create connection – fast

Here’s one way you can connect with your child when they won’t listen or they’re zoning you out:

1) Put aside, for a moment, your point of view, letting go of any need to be right. I know this sounds a bit tough, counter-intuitive even, but the rewards are well worth the effort.

2) Step imaginatively into your child’s shoes and see the situation from their point of view. Then express empathy with your child about how they’re feeling about things:

“I bet you’d love to play Lego all day.”
“I hear you. You don’t want to go to school today.”
“Looks like you want to watch until the end of the video.”

When you express empathy like this, your child feels heard and understood – and that vital connection with you is restored.

3) The next step is to invite your child to do what you had in mind.

Connection in practice

Here’s an example of how a mum I worked with used this approach, while she and her family were packing up to go on holiday. She’d asked her seven year old son to clear up the Nerf gun bullets which were all over the living room.

“No!” he said. “Don’t want to!”

Previously this mum would have told her son off, thinking, “This shouldn’t be happening. I can’t have rudeness. He should help with the chores.”

But, having discovered empathy, she saw his resistance in a new light. She understood that it was his way of expressing that he wasn’t getting what he needed: the connection with her.

So she empathised with her son:

“You haven’t had any attention for two whole hours, have you? Daddy and I have been so busy packing up. You probably feel a bit forgotten about.”

Her son beamed at her, which was a sign that he now felt connected. His behaviour confirmed this because he then happily started clearing up the bullets.

In fact, he went on to do an amazing job, pulling out the sofa and putting away some other stuff as well.

That’s the power of empathy.

Empathy brings softness

When we soften and empathise with children’s point of view, children soften in response. Softening means letting go of our need for our children to behave as we want them to, for a moment, and our need to be right – and focussing on how our children might be feeling.

This may feel like a challenge, but, believe me, needing to be right is getting in the way of you having the family life you want. Softening doesn’t mean becoming a pushover. Softening means you prioritise having a connection with your child and making a commitment to them feeling seen, heard and loved.

And I promise you that with this radically loving approach you’ll transform your relationship with your child and make day-to-day family life go much more smoothly.

I hope this blog has inspired you to start using connection and empathy in your family, so you can build stronger relationships with your children and create the relaxed and happy family life you want.

To find out more about my radically loving approach and how to put empathy into practice, click here to download my free guide Solve the Struggle with your Kids.

It shares 6 Wise Parenting Powers to help you raise a secure and happy family.

About Oona

Radical love advocate | Nature freak | Perfectly imperfect mum

Oona AlexanderOona Alexander is a parenting mentor who believes in radically loving your children to happiness and great behaviour.

She has 25 years’ experience working with children and families as a teacher, parent-and-child leader and parenting specialist. She’s a Pikler expert, trained parent educator and has a postgraduate qualification in Early Years.

Through her mentoring, speaking and workshops, Oona has shared her radically loving approach with thousands of parents across the UK and worldwide and supported them to raise children who are truly happy and naturally well-behaved.

Oona walks her talk and is proud to have a wonderful relationship with her teenage son, Orlando.

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Guest blog: Your most intimate relationship (it’s not what you think)

By

Almira Ross

Almira Ross

Dr Almira Ross is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.
Almira Ross

Latest posts by Almira Ross (see all)

This article is by Almira Ross, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and BePowerful Programmes.

Your most intimate relationship probably isn’t with your partner, your kids or your family. These days, they often take distant second place to a much more intriguing, exciting and stimulating relationship. One we can enjoy any time of day, anywhere we happen to be, whatever we happen to be doing, no matter who we may be with. It’s all so easy, so comfortable, so inviting, so safe. Or so we think.

Your smartphone is your new BFF – Best Friend Forever

It might sound like a shocking statement, but take a minute to think about it. Your phone is your constant companion, with you pretty much 24/7: always on, always engaging, always demanding your attention. The smartphone has opened up a world that is irresistible. Where else can you

• Run your business,
• Work wherever you happen to be,
• Explore your neighbourhood,
• Shop to your heart’s content,
• Answer emails,
• Check the weather,
• Have a video chat with friends and family halfway around the world,
• Watch a cute video, or
• Take a photo of your meal and share it with everyone you know?

All at the swipe of a finger. Without having to leave the sofa. Or your desk. Or your seat at the restaurant.

You wake with it; quick to check your messages and email; carry it with you everywhere you go.

Maybe you even take it to bed with you to monitor the quality of your sleep.

Technology has advanced dramatically in the past 10 years. It’s only 12 years since Steve Jobs announced the first iPhone, yet this technology has rapidly become so much a part of our daily lives, we simply can’t live without it. For many, that dependency is now bordering on addiction, a worrying trend.

You don’t need to look far to see signs of it

I’m sitting at a posh restaurant in London. Fresh linen table cloth, silver service, a beautiful single yellow rose on the table, soothing atmosphere.

My husband, Michael, and I were having a deliciously romantic evening. As we sat sipping our before dinner drinks and sharing our lives from the day, I looked over at a younger couple at a table opposite us.

Like us, they had been seated opposite one another at their table. Their meal had already been served. Instead of enjoying it, each of them had their noses in their smartphones, thumbs flashing rapidly as they busily texted or posted on social media. Oblivious to one another and to everything around them.

Travelling into central London on the tube yesterday, I noticed that easily 9 out of every 10 passengers in my crowded carriage were having a love affair with their mobiles. It’s so easy, so convenient, so natural. And so addictive.

Your phone does make your life better and easier in so many ways. But at what cost to you and your loved ones? And what can you do about your own phone usage and that of your family, if technology has taken over your lives?

What does your screen time cost you?

When you spend so much time on your phone, connected to your online world, you can easily disconnect from those people who are nearest and dearest to you, and they from you.

You’re physically together, yet miles apart in your own separate worlds. Even if you are aware of this distance, it can be really hard to wean yourself and your family off their devices. Your technology and the world this opens up to you is sooooo irresistible.

When we step into the online world of cyberspace from our living room, our office or on the daily commute, we think this world is the same as the real world we’re sitting in. It isn’t.

It’s much more interactive and stimulating. We can go anywhere, explore whatever takes our fancy, and lose track of time (time we often class as wasted…)

Online, we can be different people

Research has revealed some fascinating (and scary!) trends in our behaviour online. We think we behave there as we do in the real world, but often we don’t.

We act ‘drunk’ – becoming less inhibited, more adventurous and willing to take risks.

In cyberspace, no one’s in charge; we can be anonymous or take on whatever persona we fancy; there’s a distance, a separation, between us and those we connect with.

With that distance and anonymity and without any perceived authority, we let go of inhibitions — a condition psychologists refer to as disinhibition.

We feel it’s safer than the real world and that connecting with people here somehow carries fewer risks. It isn’t and it doesn’t. If anything, it’s a far riskier place.

Problem behaviours can become bigger online. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a flaming email, aggressive texts or offensive posts, you’ll know how distressing this can be. And how quickly that behaviour can escalate. Behaviours that are socially unacceptable in our ‘real world’ can find a home and become normal in cyberspace. Porn, right and left wing extremists, self-harm, and unusual fetishes all have a home online. You find your tribe, and the behaviour is no longer ostracised; it’s celebrated.

This is especially worrying for children and teens, who often access adult material without either the emotional or mental maturity to handle it.

It’s so enticing, it’s addictive. In fact, this is a growing problem for adults, too.

So what can we do?

Technology per se is neither good nor bad. It’s a tool, one I’m passionate we women master so that we can lead the change we want to see in this world. Master that technology; not be its servant.

1. Mastery begins with awareness

Just how much time do you spend on your phone? The answer might surprise you. It certainly did me, when I set up the Moments app on my phone (iOS and Android) to check my own phone usage. I was shocked to discover I was spending over twice as much time as I thought.

Moments keeps track of the number of times and the length of time you spend on your phone. The beauty of this app is that you can set limits for yourself, and your family. It’s the first step towards understanding your phone use. And then making changes.

2. Get unplugged.

Agree boundaries around screen time for yourself and your family. Tech leaders like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates really restricted their children’s use of technology. The same is true for many other parents whose primary role is technology based. We understand the dangers.

Even a rule like no devices at the dinner table, or in the last 2 hours before bed can make a huge difference to your relationships — and your health. Reducing screen time limits the impact of electromagnetic radiation (EMR) on your body.

3. Enjoy your phone – consciously

And indeed all the powerful digital technology that’s available to us today. Explore the wonderful world it opens up for you, to learn and grow, to reach thousands of people around the world with your message and make your difference in this world.

Just treat it like the useful tool it is. Master it with discernment and it will serve you well.

Dr Almira Ross is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about  Almira, click here. Or for a taste of her work, click here to visit her website.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest post: How to love yourself first

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I know you will have heard this before, but the most important relationship you have is with yourself. You are the first person you need to fall in love with – otherwise you are expecting someone else to fulfil you, putting a massive burden on them. Today I’m going to share some simple exercises so that you can discover how to love yourself first and foremost.

What’s your self-love score?

Let’s start by establishing where you are right now in terms of your love for yourself.

On a score of 0 – 100 – where 0 means you loathe yourself, feel you are a worthless pile of junk, and 100 means recognising that you are the most magnificent being and there is still more to come – where do you rate yourself right now?

Take a second and jot it down.

This will become the benchmark from which you will see yourself unfold.Whatever it is now, by the time you have finished this article, your score will have dramatically increased.

(If your score is low, do not fret because that means there is lots of lovely untapped potential to play with!)

Now take your score away from 100. So if you score yourself at 35, your new total will be 65.

The fantastic news is that there is 65% of you that you haven’t even begun to uncover yet!

Why does self-love feel hard?

In this society we are often taught to be self-critical, to weigh ourselves against others, and we are always found wanting. We never deem ourselves good enough. But until we can break down the barriers to our own heart, we have insufficient love to be able to share with another.

Unfair though it may sound, you are responsible for your own happiness. Nobody makes you happy or sad – that’s down to how you choose to respond to the circumstances around you.

No doubt you will have heard stories of incredible courage and even joy of people in the depths of human misery, yet deep from within emerges their limitless spirit.

That spirit is in you too.

What relationships with others can teach you about self-love

Intimate relationships present our greatest challenge because it is here that our reactive patterns of behaviour tend to be triggered by the close proximity and interaction with another person.

All our insecurities, self doubts and fears come up to be addressed. Your beliefs, your values, your rules, and your behaviour get challenged by someone else’s ideas about life and come up to conscious awareness, ready to be healed if you allow them to be.

This is often our greatest opportunity to make changes in our life, and causes us to look deep inside ourselves to find out what it is we really think, feel, believe and desire.

It is also our greatest opportunity to go beyond what we know, beyond what we feel we can give and beyond how we feel we can love. It stretches our limits and gives us the chance to expand and become more.

It is where our vulnerabilities are on display, where we can make the decision to let go of control and learn to trust, and be open to receiving the love of another.

How to learn to love yourself

So how can we learn to love ourselves first when we’ve been taught since childhood to put ourselves last, to view others as being better than ourselves? When we continually find fault with ourselves, why would anyone else not find those faults in us too?

Understand that you are a limitless being with the whole of the history of the Universe inside you. You are unique. We are all unique. You are an amazing creation – the chances of you being born are zillions to one – and the chances of being on this planet are zillions to one.

You are an extraordinary creature – a miracle of life, and when you start to see yourself and view your life as a miracle you will start to appreciate others as a miracle too, so you won’t get so caught up with the humdrum and the nastiness which is so prevalent in society these days.

When we let go of feeling inferior, we are amazing.

Grab a piece of paper and jot down the answers to the following questions as they come to you – you don’t have to share this with anyone else.

1. What do you love about yourself?

There are always things to love about yourself, even if it’s your nose or your feet, the way you tenderly care for animals, your smile, your touch, your ability to sing, your talents.

Come up with at least 10 things, and preferably 100, and please write them down so you can look at them on those occasional days when things may not be going according to plan.

2. What is your most valuable treasure?

  • Is it your vision?
  • Your talents?
  • Your love?
  • Your sense of humor?
  • Your ability to be flexible?
  • Compassion, creativity?

What would you be prepared to let go of – old limitations, old behaviours, limiting beliefs, continually telling your bad experiences to anyone who will listen…

You see, there’s part of you that you don’t know yet.

To find the amazingness of you, you have to go to places you’ve not yet been. Give yourself permission to be open, trusting and allow the process to happen. Allow love to pour through you as you uncover more of who you are – love is unlimited and boundless.

What we are still searching for is that feeling of being unconditionally loved, and being held and caressed and touched. This is why it is so important that we create that feeling for ourselves first by being kind to ourselves, loving our body and treating ourselves well.

Treat yourself well by understanding that who you choose to spend time with will affect your values, your language, your happiness, your health and even your earnings. Learn to love yourself by enjoying and appreciating your body – notice how you talk to yourself and what you put in your body.

Do you feed yourself with nourishing foods and drinks, and do you give it the exercise it enjoys?

When you learn to treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend, your body will respond beautifully.

4. What can you do for you that makes you feel really good inside?

Write down 3 ideas you could do this week – it might be as simple as wearing a favourite outfit, or taking 5 minutes to go for a walk somewhere beautiful.

5. Now write a vision of how you would like life to be as if it has already happened.

When you read this every day, your unconscious mind will take it on as a new program, so the new way of enjoying your life will be installed and overwrite old unhelpful beliefs. This works, it really works!

What’s changed?

Having completed those exercises, score yourself again as to how you feel about yourself, and see how much you’ve grown from how you scored at the beginning of this exercise.

When we accept ourselves fully, we stop being needy – it doesn’t mean we don’t need someone else in our life, just that we don’t expect them to do it all for us, as we don’t base our self-esteem on other peoples’ opinions.

If you learn to admire and honor and respect who you are, (the good, the bad and the ugly) it doesn’t mean you’re big-headed but that you honor and appreciate yourself and desire to be the best you can be.

When you continually enhance this special relationship with yourself, you will find your levels of happiness increasing more and more, and then you have more to bring to the world.

Would you like some extra support to reconnect to yourself?

If you’d like to talk about some extra support when it comes to relationships – with yourself or others – or find out details of our BeLove retreat where we look at these topics in more detail, we’d be happy to chat. Click here to book in a free, no-strings call with one of our friendly team and find out how we can help you find fulfillment in your relationships.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

 

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Guest Post: How forgiveness frees you

By

Jane Lewis

Dr Jane Lewis has over 20 years’ experience as a coach, including working as a career coach. She’s an ordained Interfaiths Minister and her passion is helping women find their purpose and direction, and then release the mental baggage that stops them achieving it. Twice a year she goes to Hawai’i to teach and study Huna – the spiritual, energetic and shamanistic practices of the ancient Hawai’ians. Find out more at https://secretartofhuna.com.

Latest posts by Jane Lewis (see all)

I’ve been studying and teaching forgiveness for over 20 years now, and the more I really dig into the topic, the better I understand just how crucial it is for our wellbeing, and how forgiveness frees you.

I find myself getting really stirred up about it, because it so often gets overlooked and the consequences of not forgiving are profound, yet poorly understood.

Essentially there are two types of forgiveness: forgiveness of others, and forgiveness of self.

There’s way more written about forgiveness of others than there is about forgiveness of self, yet I am coming to believe that self-forgiveness may be even more important than forgiveness of others. It’s certainly the harder of the two!

The psychologists who research forgiveness have coined a term, ‘unforgiveness’ for the state of not forgiving. They have built up a fair body of research to demonstrate that unforgiveness can lead to both physical and mental health disorders, from heart disease and ulcers to depression and anxiety.

Clients and friends have described their deeper feelings of unforgiveness as pain in the neck jaw or upper body, being in a really dark place, or even as rotting flesh.

What unforgiveness does

The problem is that unforgiveness acts like a stressor in the body.

A certain level of ‘good’ stress is important to keep us motivated, but too much stress can literally be a killer, particularly if it continues for a prolonged period. Stress activates the fight/flight/freeze response in our bodies, designed to get us out of trouble when facing that sabre-toothed tiger.

Unfortunately for us, the sabre-toothed tigers of today tend to be workplace demands, the challenge of juggling childcare, care of ageing relatives and a demanding job, or just dealing day in, day out with an unpleasant boss, financial difficulties, or even a partner we’ve fallen out of love with.

These stresses don’t last for a few minutes or a few hours – which was usually the case with your sabre-toothed tiger.

They go on, and on, and cause our hormonal system to go badly out of balance.

Unforgiveness can have the same effect, particularly unforgiveness of self.

The role of shame

Have you ever felt shame about yourself? Have you let that shame go?

Most of us have felt shame at some point, but don’t know how to let it go.

For many of my coaching clients, shame can be a real energy blocker and stops them stepping up to their full potential and doing what they really want to do.

What kind of things do we commonly feel shame about?

  • Shame about how we are somehow less than we should be.
  • Shame that we are not enough.
  • Shame that we SHOULD be able to juggle, but we struggle.
  • Shame that everyone else around us is apparently doing so well, and we aren’t.
  • Shame that we haven’t fulfilled our potential, or done anything meaningful or extraordinary.

The list goes on.

How forgiveness frees you

Self-forgiveness is the antidote to shame.

When I forgive myself for the things I am ashamed of, life somehow becomes lighter, fear of stepping out of my comfort zone evaporates, and I do amazing things.

For years I was deeply, deeply ashamed of the fact that I had succumbed to clinical depression. As a child I had learned from my mother that our family didn’t do that sort of thing: it was a sign of weakness and some kind of attention-seeking. (This from a woman who tried to kill herself when I was 18, but we didn’t talk about that, either, because it was too shameful).

When I finally owned my depression, and forgave myself for it, the shame lifted and, in due time, so did the depression.

I also forgave my mother for her mixed messages, and for the impact that her suicide attempt had on me, which in turn massively improved my relationship with her and allowed me to feel a real compassion for her, which I’d never previously been able to feel.

Forgiveness over generations

Unforgiveness of self and others isn’t just an individual issue. It’s also a generational issue.

A student of mine recently realised that her unforgiveness wasn’t entirely hers. It was also generational, going back several generations in her family, who tended to be of an unforgiving nature. This realisation enabled her to take forgiveness to a whole new level, and she is experiencing it as life-changing.

Forgiveness is also potentially beneficial for pregnant mothers and their babies, particularly if the baby is a girl. In the womb, the ovaries of a female baby develop within the first trimester. In the fifth month of pregnancy the eggs that will become that child’s children also develop.

Maternal stress can have a negative impact on not just the baby in the womb but on that baby’s children.

So forgiveness really is a well-being issue, for ourselves and for our families. I’m not saying it’s easy, and very often it takes a lot of courage to forgive.

Yet forgiveness is incredibly liberating. For most people, the act of forgiving takes a nano-second. It’s the build-up to feeling able and willing to forgive that can take a lifetime, and thankfully there are tools and techniques that can actually make it happen.

About Jane Lewis

Dr Jane Lewis is a One of many in-house coach and ‘shaper of leaders’ with a long career in the corporate world.

She’s also an expert on forgiveness, and on Huna, the secret spiritual, healing and energetic practices of the ancient Hawaiians.

Jane is passionate about sharing her knowledge of self-healing through the release of mental and emotional blocks, including unforgiveness, to enable us women to be the leaders and role-models we were meant to be.

To find out more about Jane’s work, click here.

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How to handle difficult family members

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Every family is different, and when it comes to the person who we find most challenging all of us are unique. Perhaps it’s a parent who can’t help themselves from handing out the unwanted advice at every opportunity; the little brother whose judgments you could do without; or the uncle whose attitude of “someone else will take care of me” feels like the final straw. When it comes to how to handle difficult family members, there’s a simple framework that can be a real life-saver, and that’s what I’m going to to share with you today.

One of the things that makes family stuff so challenging is that we often find it really hard to extract our emotions from what’s happening.

For example, take a snide comment that feels like a pointed attack, and has you storming out of the room, seething with rage. If you were watching a movie of your interaction, it might seem pretty innocuous – your step-brother’s giving you a bit of financial advice, maybe.

What an onlooker wouldn’t see are the years or decades of history leading up to that moment. If you’ve felt belittled or patronised over a long period of time, that one comment can really seem like the final straw. And it’s that kind of build up that can leave your normally resourceful self feeling like you’re fourteen years old again.

Setting boundaries with your family can be hard

We can’t choose our families, and so one of the most effective tools we have at our disposal are boundaries. Boundaries help you set strong limits around what is and isn’t acceptable.

But they often feel complicated because we tend to lump everyone we’re related to together under one label: “family”. Your soulmate sister occupies the same mental territory as your dad, who you can’t stand to be in the same room with once he’s had that first drink. And whereas you’d feel confident letting a colleague know if they’d crossed a line, it doesn’t feel right to put the same boundary in place with your aunt. After all, she’s family, right?

Now, I want to talk a little about boundaries. Where we tend to compromise on boundaries a lot is by giving other people energy for things which are not important to us. Why? Well, lots of reasons:

  • We want their approval
  • We worry what they think about us
  • We don’t want to be rejected by them,

Or all sorts of other things you can probably think of when it comes to your family.

So what I’m going to share now is a simple way to start getting clearer about your boundaries.

It’s not complicated, but to get the hang of it you’ll probably find it easiest to grab a piece of paper and a pen. Anything will do – back of an envelope, a post-it note, whatever comes to hand.

The only 3 boundaries you need

Firstly, start by drawing 3 concentric circles – one in the middle, one round that, and another one round the edge of that. This is how you’re going to rethink your boundaries with the different people in your life.

At the center of is you. It’s that simple. The very middle is you, and that’s you and your energy.

Write “Me” in the middle of that first circle.

Around you, then, and closest to you and your energy, is the realm of the Mother. In that second circle, write “Hearth” – this is the first, and closest, circle of people in your life – whether or not you’re related to them. 

The realm of the Mother: The Hearth

The realm of the Mother is called the “Hearth”. In an old house, the hearth or fireplace would quite literally be the warm centre of the home, and this is the image I want you to start with when thinking about whose energy has an impact on your life.

The people who are at your hearth are the people who are very close to you and very special to you, and how they are really impacts how you are. What I mean by that is: if your child is upset, you’re upset. Sure, you might practice mindfulness or use other strategies so that you’re not literally unable to function when your toddler’s having a meltdown, but for the people at your hearth your connection is really strong.

Now, this is the really important part: You get to choose who’s at your hearth. It’s not dictated to by someone else.

The people at your hearth are people like your children. Your spouse would probably be at your hearth.

You might have some of your siblings at your hearth, but maybe not necessarily all of your siblings.

Your parents might be at your hearth or they might not be, right? You get to choose. You might have your mum, but not your dad, or your dad at your hearth, but not your mum.

You might have your neighbor at your hearth if you’re particularly close with them. Your best friend might be at your hearth.

It’s like an intimate group of people, and this is the distinction.

How to work out who’s at your hearth

Figuring out who is at your hearth is the area of the Mother PowerType, and here’s why: This is a group of people for whom you will sacrifice energy on a short-term basis. If your kid is unwell, you’ll get out of bed and drive them to hospital even if the most important thing for your well-being is a good night’s sleep. That’s how you decide if they’re at your hearth.

People that you would dip into and even go negative in your energetic stakes that you are happy to sacrifice for because their well-being is that important to you, so it’s the realm of the Mother PowerType.

Beyond the hearth: The realm

Beyond the hearth then is the “Realm,” and the realm is the area of the Queen PowerType. In that third circle, write realm.

Your realm are people that are not at your hearth, but you do care about them. They’re people beyond that, so siblings who are not at your hearth might be at your realm. (You might have some siblings who are not even in your realm. We’ll talk about that in a moment.)

Your realm are people like your siblings who are not at your hearth, your parents who are not at your hearth, your kids who are not at your hearth, and any of those close connections.

You might have friends who are in your realm but not necessarily at your hearth. I’ve got lots of friends like that. They’re not “drop anything” friends, but they’re great friends. They’re in my realm. Your clients would be in your realm, if you feel a connection to them.

For me, the Hunger Project and everyone that works with the Hunger Project, which is the aid organization that One of many support both with our time and with our money, are in my realm and very important in my realm. In fact, sometimes they cross into my hearth. Sometimes, they ask me to do things, and I go negative because it’s important for me.

That’s the context of realm. If you’re the Queen, these are the people who are in your nation. Not everybody is going to be in your nation. You cannot give your energy to everyone all the time. The Hunger Project is very much in my realm, but there are dozens, hundreds, thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of other amazing aid organizations doing great work, amazing not for profits doing great work who are not in my realm. I can’t have everyone in my realm. As much as sometimes you’d like to, you can’t.

What if someone’s in the wrong place?

Now, you might be looking at the diagram you’ve just jotted down and thinking that there are people in your Hearth who are draining lots of your energy – and actually, they don’t belong there. 

Sometimes, people that are currently at your hearth or in your realm shouldn’t even be in your realm. That’s when it’s time to get into your Queen PowerType and banish them from your realm – with love, but knowing you’re not going to give them any energy anymore.

If you’ve got a brother who is just a total drain, always rings you up at the most inopportune moments, never ever supports you when you need it, is angry all the time, is just abusive when he calls you up, but you’re helping him out of some feeling that you “should” because he’s family, maybe it’s time to banish him from your realm with love.

Now, that idea might feel triggering to you. Everyone’s own perspective on this is different. It’s really important that you choose according to your life values whether to give energy to that person or not. You might feel that while you’re happy to draw a line putting someone in your realm, you’re not ready to get rid of them completely – and that’s OK. But make sure you’re really making that choice from an empowered place.

If it feels hard to set a boundary

There’s a quote from Brené Brown which I love. She says

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated, and that’s why we sometimes attack who they are, which is actually far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

I see this a lot. When we find it hard to set boundaries with our spouses, with our children, with our parents, and then when those boundaries are overstepped, we feel used and mistreated. We start to get resentful, and then we start to come out with the things we really don’t want to find ourselves saying. We say “You are such a pain. You’re so needy. You’re always doing this.” Or whatever it is for you…

As soon as we start saying “always” or “never,” we start attacking. We attack rather than actually reflecting that perhaps we’re teaching them how to treat us, by not having a boundary in place.

Get the boundary in place, and then communicate that boundary. It will get respected unless they’re someone who shouldn’t be in the realm – in which case, different rules apply.

How to set boundaries

Setting boundaries is a big topic. If you could do with some help figuring out how to have those conversations, don’t fret! We’ve got you covered with our helpful practical guide: Enough is Enough: How to gracefully set unshakeable boundaries. Click here to grab your copy now.

How about you? Have you been able to navigate challenging family situations with aplomb? Or do you find it hard to remain poised and present when in the company of the people you grew up with? Share your story in the comments – we love to hear from you!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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My partner doesn’t meet my needs

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When your partner doesn’t meet your needs in a relationship, it’s tough. Even when you’re in a relationship, you can end up feeling isolated and alone. From the hug when you walk in the door to support talking through a family crisis; from sharing the financial load to really listening when you want to open up about your emotions or being willing to go to family functions by your side.

Your needs matter, and when you’re at a point where you feel like they’re being ignored, it can be crunch time.

Here are some tips for navigating the complicated scenario where your partner’s not giving you what you need.

How to know what your needs are

Now, let’s get clear on this first: before you start addressing a partner who doesn’t care about what you need,  you need to know exactly what those needs are.

There is a world of difference between what we need and what we want. If 
we don’t have what we want, it will usually be okay. If we don’t have what we
need, we won’t be okay.

Needs are things which you would rather be single than be without.

So, the way to establish what your needs are is to start by writing down a big list of everything you want from a relationship. In an ideal world, what is it you’d get from your partner?

Next, you’re going to review each want and then you’re going to drop below it to what it is that you actually need.

Here are a few questions to help you through from a want to a need.

  • Why do I want 
that?
  • What does that provide for me?
  • 
What is the need that this quality fulfills?

Be careful not to over complicate. Just drop through really quickly. Try and trust that your unconscious knows what the underlying need is.

For instance, back when I made a list like this when I was single, one of my wants was that “he’s tall”.

When I did this exercise, I asked myself “Would I rather be single than being with a short man?”

No. So, it’s not a need.

What is it about him being tall that is important to me?

That he’s strong… that I feel small compared to him… – was what came to mind.

Is it really about feeling small compared to him? No, it’s not about that.

What is it? I realized that what I really need is to feel feminine.

One of the ways that might get expressed is through him being tall, but if he’s short and I feel feminine we’re okay.

Does that make sense? I dropped down through to what it was that I actually needed.

If I was in a relationship where there wasn’t room for me to feel feminine, I’d rather be single than being in that relationship. That was the need.

Many of those wants that you have on your list are going to end up being expressions of the same need, and you’ll probably find you get down to about five to eight core needs.

What to do when you know what your needs are

Once you’re clear on your needs, they become a really powerful tool.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner’s providing them, brilliant. Acknowledge them and celebrate that!

If you’re in a relationship and they’re not providing one of those needs, tell them why it is a need for you and they can choose to provide it or not.

You might find having done this process that the original need you were frustrated about not being met has shifted. Now, you know that you’re more in need of physical affection than a hug when you walk in the door. Let that be the start of the conversation with your partner.

If you’re not in a relationship, it’s a brilliant conversation to be having if you’re considering it being a long-term relationship. This is what I need. What do you need?

If they can’t provide what you need

There may be a situation where you recognize that someone can’t provide what you need on the list. You might be in a long-term relationship with someone and feel like you’re looking down the barrel of a gun.

“Holy crap, I know there’s something on this list that they actually can’t provide.”

What then? Allow me to introduce you to the paradox of needs.

The paradox of needs

The paradox of needs is this: You actually don’t need anything from anyone else.


Everything that’s on your list, you could actually provide for yourself. Think about that for a minute.

You don’t need anything from yourself even.

Actually, you don’t need anything at all.

There are things which sustain our body and keep us alive. But the thing about relationship needs is, you actually don’t need the other to provide any of that for you. You can have it all even without them.

But when you choose to be in relationship with somebody, then you can choose to have it as one of your frameworks: “Here’s what would really enhance my life. I would rather be single than not enjoy these things together.”

Can you see how that offers a much more empowering framework? If something happens to your partner and they can no longer provide one of those needs, or they’re not willing to change to meet that need, you could choose to end the relationship.  You could choose to go and get that need met somewhere else. You can still choose to be love and keep loving.

Needs are a framework

Needs are a great framework for relationship. But even if you look at them and think, “I’m not getting them met right now!” that doesn’t mean you absolutely have to end the relationship. It means have 
a conversation.

Recognize with your partner that you need it and have conversations about whether they can provide it or not and is it possible for you to get it from somewhere else? If it is, are you still happy to stay in the 
relationship? Can you work on that together?

Now we’re getting into conscious creation of relationship. The kind ofrelationships that our spirits want to be enjoying on the planet. And that’s one of the most interesting conversations of all.

How about you?

Have you had an experience of your needs not being met in relationship? How did you navigate it? I’d love to know your story – share it in the comments below. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: “I’ve lost connection with my partner”

By

Wendy Harrington

Wendy is passionate about peace and harmony. Her near death experience opened her life up to increased love and happiness (after a battle with herself). She is the author of 2 books, mother of 3 daughters and wife of the love of her life.

She’s also one of the One of many team.

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

I feel very blessed to have married the same man twice. At the time we got divorced it certainly didn’t feel like a blessing…more like a disaster. But 8 years apart taught me some incredible things which I want to share with you today, because that elusive thing we thrive on called connection can be tricky to navigate in an intimate relationship.

Just what do we mean by connection?

You know it when you feel it. It’s the spark, that invisible multi-faceted thing that you can’t quite put your finger on that bonds two people together.

Connection happens on all levels…mental, physical, emotional and spiritual.

When we feel it it’s wonderful but when it sometimes disappears, which while very common, can be incredibly challenging.

Going back to the start

It might seem a long time ago if things aren’t how you’ like them to be right now.

But I think we can all learn some important lessons from the budding of intimacy.

In that initial blossoming it seems effortless.

Our attention is fully on the other person, we want to spend lots of time with them and we want to know everything about them. It’s all new and intriguing. If you “click” and that invisible thing we call chemistry is there, it becomes a delicious time of falling in love.

At this time we have our rose coloured spectacles on. We forgive things easily, and we overlook little annoyances because we are always looking for the best. Focusing on what we love instead of what we don’t love.

Have you ever experienced at the decline of a relationship that the things that you loved at the beginning can becomes the very things that you hate? That’s kind of odd really, if you think about it. The behaviour is the same. So what’s changed?

Think about what’s different

In my story what changed was our life circumstances. Life can be challenging enough but sometimes it throws you a huge curveball. Our bubble burst when, 8 weeks before our baby was due, we found ourselves in the intensive care unit with me fighting for my life.

Our baby was born 8 weeks premature by emergency caesarean section and in the days following I contracted necrotising fasciitis, more commonly known as the flesh eating bug.

To cut a long story short I made it. But it was far from an easy ride. I lost my womb and ovaries along with two thirds of the flesh on my torso. I also contracted septicaemia which damaged my feet.

I spent three months in hospital bed bound and underwent numerous surgical procedures to rebuild my body. I also had a near death experience (NDE) where I literally saw the light! But that’s another story.

My whole world had been turned upside down. Mentally, emotionally and physically I was struggling to deal with a severely disfigured body and what that meant for me as a woman. Spiritually I had just had a big wakeup call that challenged my world view.

A BIG mistake we made as a couple was we didn’t talk. This thing seemed way too big and painful to speak about. And so we hid from it and therefore hid from each other.

So #1 learning – Always talk

Let’s face it, life is full of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. I know my example is big here but you also constantly face the challenges of life. And it is all too easy for the demands of life to get in the way, be that work, children, family, hobbies, friends…all of us have limited time and the choice to make of where we spend it.

No matter how painful it seems, honesty and conversation are true blessings. And sometimes you may need to get some support from someone who can help you talk to each other.

Which brings me to learning #2 – Make time for each other

It is one of the most crucial things to do. And again one of the easiest things to let slide. Especially if you have a young family. Everyone else’s needs can seem more important but they are not.

It is super important to put you and your partner high up on your priorities and plan special time together.

Learning #3 – Focus on what IS working instead of what ISN’T

It’s very common and very easy when things are not right in our intimate relationship to focus on what’s wrong and try to fix it. I know I obsessed about it because it was so important to me and I desperately missed that wonderful sense of connection.

After we had separated I met this amazing man. He was in his late 80’s and had studied psychology his whole life. He told me how he would lie in bed at night and silently speak to his wife. He shared with me how what you focus on grows and pointed out that if you focus on what’s wrong in your relationship you will get more of that.

The truth of this hit me like a ton of bricks. I had fought so hard to correct what was wrong in our relationship. I’d pushed, I’d pointed out it was broken and we needed to fix it.

What I didn’t do was focus on what was right with it.

It made me realise that in trying to ‘fix’ it and desperately seeking that connection all I had done was unwittingly pushed it further away.

What was missing was learning #4 – Appreciation

Develop a practice (daily is good) where you regularly think about what’s good about your relationship and your partner. What is it that you appreciate him/her for?

Spend 5-10 minutes thinking about it. This can be things inside and outside of your relationship. What are they good at? What do they do well? What makes you smile about them?

Connection is an inside job, it’s a feeling. Focusing on what you appreciate about someone else starts to create a warm feeling inside. It also naturally spills out of you towards them. When someone else is genuinely appreciating you it feels really good to be on the receiving end of that.

Appreciation is so powerful in any relationship. With my husband I see him energetically grow as I appreciate him, it goes both ways, and feels so good. Look for things to be thankful and grateful for rather than focusing on the things which are missing. Remember what you focus on grows.

And finally for today learning #5 – What state are you in?

When it comes to the Women’s PowerTypes – the 5 powerful models of women’s leadership that make up your unique PowerTypes Profile – they can be immensely helpful in your intimate relationship.

The Lover is definitely your chief ally on so many levels. Firstly you need to be filled up. I see so many women running on empty and then wondering why their intimate relationship is lacking. I say this with zero judgement because that was me too! I was always so busy doing everything and putting myself last. This meant I was running on empty and had nothing to give.

It is still me occasionally but the difference is now I see it and immediately switch to Lover PowerType.

Let’s face it…Superwoman and intimacy are not a good match!

Enhancing your Lover energy helps you fill yourself up. Then as the over-flowing cup you become highly attractive to your mate. When your needs are met you have extra to share. This is a highly magnetic quality and so important for us to embrace.

I see this so clearly with my husband. Having married the same man twice makes it all the more clear. I appreciate him every day – and interestingly, I watch him wanting to do more and more for me.

I hope my lessons help you to rediscover the connection in your relationship if it’s gone into hiding. It’s most likely still there just buried underneath life.

How about you? Please share in the comments anything you have found helpful to re-connect with your partner.

If you’d like to read my full story of near death, recovery and navigating being more loving (I messed it right up at first) you can read all about it in my book “From Vegas to the Pearly Gates: A gritty, true-life account of love at its best and absolute worst.”

 

About Wendy Harrington

Writer, Wife, Mother

Wendy is passionate about peace and harmony. Her near death experience opened her life up to increased love and happiness (after a battle with herself). She is the author of 2 books, mother of 3 daughters and wife of the love of her life.

She’s also one of the One of many team.

Connect with Wendy on YouTube or Facebook to discover tips for greater peace and harmony in your life and mind.

You’ll find a reading from the book sharing when she saw her body for the first time after the illness, and her sharing the bliss of her near-death experience.

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How to get rid of self-critical thoughts for good

By

Thea Jolly

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many
Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.
Thea Jolly

Latest posts by Thea Jolly (see all)

This article is by Thea Jolly, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea’s mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves – because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world. 

Wouldn’t it be amazing if you knew how to get rid of self-critical thoughts for good? Can you imagine how serenely you could float through your day without the self-doubt, self-criticism and rumination that normally goes on inside your head?

No stressing over meeting your work deadlines, no beating yourself up for saying the wrong thing, no recriminations for that parenting fail – again! And no sick feeling of shame as you reach for the bottle of wine, the chocolate or Netflix boxset at the end of a hard day when you promised yourself you wouldn’t.

And no wondering why you can’t pull it all together like other women can.

Let’s get real here: all of the women I know, including me, and including all the wildly successful ones we see on social media, have a head full of doubts, shoulds, oughts, disappointments and feelings of failure. Not all the time – but pretty much every day.

All humans have self-critical thoughts – they have been fundamental to our survival as a species. To ensure we stayed within the security of our tribe our brains evolved to prioritise social connections, fitting in and working together.

That is why our brains spend so much time and energy analysing and prioritising fitting in – it’s how we measure our safety. Which explains why how many likes you get on Facebook feels so important!

So the first thing for you to do is to acknowledge this. There is nothing wrong with you because you have self-critical thoughts. It’s perfectly normal and human. In fact, it would be more worrying if you didn’t have these thoughts: sociopaths and psychopaths spring to mind.

So our task is to manage these thoughts so that they stop affecting us so much. It’s all a matter of awareness, attitude and attention. Training your mind in these areas will lead to a more confident, emotionally resilient and happier life.

1. Awareness

One of my favourite sayings is: ‘Knowledge is Power’. The more we know and understand about ourselves, the more control we have over how we think and behave.

To reduce the frequency and power of self-critical thoughts we need to get curious about them. It’s time to get up close and personal, get dirty and involved in what’s going on in your head. Be a detective, take notes and ask questions. Like Hercule Poirot or Miss Marple notice, notice, notice. If you have to wear a fake moustache or pastel cardigan to get into the part then do so!

The questions to ask include:

  • What are you actually saying to yourself?
  • When do these thoughts come up?
  • What is the story you are telling yourself about your situation, other people and yourself?
  • What are you making assumptions about?
  • What emotions are you feeling?
  • Where do these emotions come from?
  • What fears or beliefs are underneath your self-critical thoughts and feelings?
  • How are these self-critical thoughts affecting your behaviour, and your relationships?
  • Can you notice any patterns?

The more you find out and understand about yourself, the more power you take back.

2. Attitude

Your attitude while you are noticing what’s going on is crucial. Self-critical thoughts are judgemental and harsh. You have to step aside and be the observer of these thoughts from a non-judgemental, compassionate and accepting place. Don’t get sucked into them.

We wear judgement like a pair of sunglasses that we’ve forgotten to take off. Everywhere we look is tainted by our fears, hopes, preoccupations, likes, dislikes and unconscious beliefs. Again, this is normal; it’s what our brains do, but it’s not conducive to a meaningful and happy life.

Compassion and acceptance are equally important here. Without self-compassion and an acceptance of how things are now, we can’t bring sustainable change into our lives. Being motivated by fear and judgement only gets us so far. Our creative problem-solving abilities are shut off when we are in threat mode, so we have to use compassion to bring those parts of our brain back online. Without compassion our ancient emotional impulses run the show – which is why we end up behaving in ways we know aren’t who we truly are.

One word on acceptance: many women don’t want to accept themselves as they are. They think that acceptance means never changing or growing. The paradoxical result of accepting yourself, is that you can change more effectively than when you are beating yourself up.

3. Attention

When we are conscious with our attention – what we are focussing on in any particular moment – life seems to slow down enough to allow us to make more mindful choices.

When you are aware of what is going on – with yourself, with your children, with your co-workers – without judgement, you can act with so much more integrity and compassion.

Furthermore, if you are aware of situations that challenge you, you can intentionally put your focus on your thoughts and choose to talk to yourself in a more helpful, compassionate and empowering way in those situations.

Putting it into Practice

The critical thoughts you are noticing are just thoughts. Nothing more.

The emotions you are noticing are only emotions, nothing more.

You can notice them without attaching judgement to them, without adding a further emotional reaction to them (as much as possible) and without needing to act to change them.

You are simply there to notice what is going on, like watching a scene in a drama.

Things you could say to yourself are:

  • ‘Ohh, that’s interesting…’
  • ‘Mmmm, I’m feeling …… And that’s OK.’
  • ‘I’m noticing I wish I wasn’t so impatient/angry/annoyed/tired. I can feel the judgement here and the desire for it to be different, and that’s OK. I’m human. I wonder why it means so much to me to be more patient/calm etc?’
  • ‘I am noticing that this feels awful and I want to cry/shout/run away. And that’s OK.’
  • ‘I’m noticing that I’m calling myself a bad mum/fat/useless again. Why did that come up now?’
  • ‘What’s the story I’m telling myself here? Oh, yes, I’m worried about my work deadline and am taking it out on my children. Deep breath, it will get done. I want to focus on being connected to my children instead.’

Nothing will change if you don’t extend some compassion to yourself here.

Yes, you may have shouted at your 4 year old when he was pushing boundaries like every four year old does. But you also did a full day’s work, had to deal with a grumpy husband, fielded 500 ‘why’ questions from your 7 year old, and your period started. Is it any wonder that your patience ran out?

This is where you need to take a deep breath, and instead of listening to those critical thoughts, tell yourself it’s all OK. This is a human reaction to a demanding situation. Then you can enquire gently about what’s underneath, what’s the story you are telling yourself here, what do you and your child need to feel better, and how can you set intentions and practice reacting a different way in future?

Exploring this with non-judgemental curiosity might reveal that you feel guilty about going back to work fulltime, even if you know it’s the right thing for you. Or maybe you’re just exhausted and need a good sleep, a night out with the girls or weekend away on your own (bliss).

Maybe you are blaming your husband for not helping more, and realise you actually need to ask him for help rather than alternating between Superwoman and Martyr without actually talking to him about what you need.

Self-critical thoughts are trying to help

Our self-critical thoughts are trying to keep us safe and beyond judgement from others. This is impossible, because we can’t control what other people think of us. Knowing that it is our hard-wiring that is motivating those critical thoughts is incredibly liberating. It means we can stop taking them so seriously.

When we don’t take our thoughts, emotions and ourselves so seriously we don’t get so triggered and injured by them. When we are not so affected by them we keep our emotional equilibrium more easily, have a more positive outlook on life, and can focus on the good stuff instead.

Making the world a better place – which is the vision of One of many – starts with changing your internal world. Every person who learns to manage their automatic, fear-based critical thoughts and behaviours creates a positive ripple effect within their families and communities, workplaces and society. Self-awareness, a compassionate attitude and mindful attention are the foundations for this.

How about you?

Thea Jolly: How to get over mother guiltDo you experience self-critical thoughts? Do you have any other tips or advice to share with others, or questions to ask about Thea’s process?

Leave a comment and let us know.

Thea is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Thea, click here. Or for a taste of her work, take the free Are You A Perfectionist quiz by clicking here.

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