relationships Archives

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it)

January 15, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

Right now many of us are isolating ourselves from connection with others more than we ever have before. And I am more present than ever to the effect that’s having on all of us. Because the fact is, we need community.

We overlook the importance of connection at our peril – as I’m going to share with you today.

I know I’m not alone in really, really missing my nearest and dearest. Lately, I’ve found myself looking back over photos of retreats and events. Where we used to come together in a room and dance together and hug each other without even thinking about it twice. We would go to concerts. We would go to bars. We didn’t care how many other people were in a small enclosed space with us.

For many of us, those times feel very, very far away.

The problem with isolation

The isolation and loneliness we’re facing are compounded by the additional stress we’re all under.

Maybe you’ve had a bad night’s sleep, got a looming work deadline, or your kids are being particularly challenging.

Maybe you’re grieving. Or sick.

Many of us are having to navigate redundancies or put people on furlough, or work out whether we should or shouldn’t open for business. All the sorts of things we’re facing at the moment are causing us to be way more stressed than usual.

And yet, for some reason, the more stressed we get, the more we isolate.

I have seen it again and again in our community.

Could our “Superwoman” streak be stopping us from connecting?

Many of us have an unconscious belief that if things get stressful, we have to draw away. We think we can only be in the world when we are positive, or when we’ve all got it all figured out.

Many of us grew up being taught to share happy things and hide sad things. And if that’s what you grew up with, then at a time when stress is magnified, we are tending to isolate even more.

So let’s talk about why we need community and why connection is so critically important.

Here are 6 reasons why connection is critical to all of us.

#1 We need to belong

As the wonderful Brené Brown puts it, we are “hardwired for love and belonging”. It’s in our very DNA, the fabric of our being to love, to be loved and to feel like we belong somewhere.

#2 We need support and belief

I often work with women entrepreneurs, in my one-on-one consultancy. And there’s often this sense of imposter syndrome. We think “I really should believe in myself more”. To a certain extent that’s true, but there is a big part of self-belief that actually comes from others.

I tend to surround myself with people who believe in me more than I believe in myself. And that works beautifully for me. I am surrounded by a team of incredible men and women who believe in me more than I believe in me. They create a leadership space for me to lead them in. And I keep stepping into that.

Having people around us who believe in us is so important, so that when we hit something that’s hard to navigate, whether it be a work thing, a family thing, a relationship thing, we’ve got someone to tell us “I know you’re having a tough time, but I believe in you. I really believe in you. I know you can do this. Let’s see if we can come up with some ideas together.” Sometimes that support looks like troubleshooting and problem solving together. And sometimes that support looks like just being there.

#3 We need collective wisdom

When it comes to solving a problem, a group does better than any individual out there. We can get to a point beyond where any one person could go on their own. And that’s connected to the fourth reason, which is:

#4 We need to push our own limits

We will all stop ourselves at some point. Oftentimes others give us that gentle push that has us grow and expand into an area that we might not have otherwise gone into. We need community for that. It’s something we can’t do for ourselves.

#5 We need accountability

We need other people to declare our intentions to. They can remind us of what we’ve decided and help us stick to our plans, whatever plans they may be.

#6 We need others’ energy

I confess: This is something I don’t quite know how to describe. I know that for myself, some of the biggest breakthroughs I’ve had happen, not in one-on-one coaching sessions, but where I’m part of a collective coming together as a group. It can happen virtually. I’ve seen it in the group who have gathered for the Activate Challenge this week. There’s a motivation in there. We can share energy when we come together in community, and it’s powerful stuff.

Is it time you got connected?

My challenge for you today is to reach out and get connected to somebody.

If you have a good friend you’ve not connected with for a while, reach out, have an evening with them on zoom and talk it through. Send a care package. Send a postcard. Connect!
If you’re friends with someone on social media, why not ask them if they’d like to have a virtual coffee together?
And if you don’t even know where to start with community, please start by joining one of our online groups because they are full of exquisite and extraordinary women who know how to be a fierce, committed stand. They know how to be supportive and gentle and nourishing when they need to, they know how to love and they know how to accept love. That is one of the things that makes our community so deeply rich and profound.

And if you’d like to experience what it’s like to gather virtually with hundreds of women – and discover how to reconnect to your joy and optimism for the future – join us for the Activate Your Vision workshop, happening tomorrow. It would be an absolute pleasure to have you there, as part of our global community of women.

Click here to register for your free place at the training.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Who Is the Most Important Person in Your Life?

October 29, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

So who did you think of first? Your baby? Your partner? Your mother?

The most important relationship you will have in your life is the one you have with yourself.

But let’s get real here. Not many of us have a stack of time these days to spoil ourselves. Right now, heading off to the spa or going away with the girls for a week just isn’t realistic. What’s more, most of us are so busy holding up everyone else in our lives, we barely have a minute to take for ourselves.

When someone tells me to “take care of myself”, I think: “When?”

So if doing more isn’t the answer, what is?

Today I want look a little more deeply at how you connect with yourself. Because actually, when you strip away the external ways we take care of ourselves, we have an opportunity to explore the fundamental beliefs that lie beneath. And when you know how to accept yourself – even love yourself – that’s when things really start to change.

After all, you can have all the massages in the world – but if you fundamentally think of yourself as being useless, inadequate and a failure, they’re not going to make much of a difference to your day to day experience.

Maybe it’s time to start thinking about the relationship with ourselves the same way as we think of our relationship with other people, especially the significant people in our lives. We spend a lot of mental and emotional energy on maintaining and improving those relationships. But how much positive emotional energy do you put back into yourself?

Here are 4 ways to begin to cultivate a healthier relationship with yourself.

They’re simple, free, and you can do them anywhere.

Why not pop them on a post it note, stick them to the fridge, and start reconnecting to yourself today?

4 ways to nurture your relationship with yourself

#1 ATTENTION

Developing a relationship with yourself is not selfish. It doesn’t have to be about spending more time alone. By paying attention to how you really are, you can begin to notice how you react to things, instead of jumping to feel the way you think you “should”. Try simply being mindful of your emotions as you go about your day and tuning into how you really feel. Be heard.

#2 APPRECIATION

One essential element of a good relationship is appreciation. Think of how much you do in a day! Be thankful you can do these things and appreciate your ability do them. Be grateful for yourself; for your mind, for your body, for your heart. No one else knows all the things you do – the way you take care of your team; the hours you spend worrying about people you care about; the juggle that goes on every day for you to be present for the things you need to do. Take a second to really appreciate yourself for trying, and for everything you do – however imperfectly.

#3 AFFECTION

As your relationship with yourself develops, you have to be willing to both give affection and receive affection. You have to be open to being gentle with yourself. Give yourself time, give yourself patience, give yourself love. Can you introduce some gentle physical affection too? If that feels hard, start with something small, like a lovely hand cream or a soft pair of gloves for walking are a great place to start.

#4 ACCEPTANCE

No relationship is perfect. We’ll all probably do things that make no sense as we go about improving the relationship we have with ourselves. We’ll go to bed mad with ourselves. We’ll be critical and judgmental – we’re only human, after all. But we’ll make up. Accept the relationship will have its ups and downs. Because every relationship does. Learn how to accept yourself – flaws, frustrations and all – and life will get a whole lot easier.

How about you?

How do you feel about yourself today? What small act of kindness could you do for yourself to show how much you care?

Does your most important relationship need a boost?

Love and Intimacy is a free 3-hour workshop to help you nurture the relationships in your life – with yourself, your partner, family and friends. In this warm, practical session we’ll gather to explore what challenges we’re facing in our relationships and how you can learn to overcome them.

Registration is free, and if you can’t make the live session we’ll share a recording.

Click here to sign up for your free place.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

How to Fight Fair

October 22, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

Some people argue more than others. How about you? I’m not talking about little bickers or nags over whose turn it is to change a dirty nappy but the big fights, the ones that can leave you in tears or in tatters.

The kind of fight that you can’t let go.

Whether it’s with an old friend, your mum, sister or partner, knowing how to embrace conflict as a healthy part of any relationship – rather than something to be feared or avoided at all costs – is a vital part of finding mutual fulfilment. And yet, this is something that’s almost never talked about. Today I want to share what I’ve learned about how to fight fair – and give you the 3 golden rules I use to keep conflict on track.

But first, let’s start with what I mean by “fighting fair”.

It’s probably easiest to start by describing what healthy conflict doesn’t look like.

When we don’t know how to fight fair

I must admit I have been part of some terribly unsatisfactory fights. What do I mean by that? The kind of argument that leaves you completely frazzled but with a feeling that despite the horridness you achieved nothing at all.

A pointless fight, in other words.

Too many of these test even the strongest relationship.

The problem is, if you don’t resolve anything despite an emotional confrontation, you are likely to have the exact same fight again down the road. And again. And again. Until you reach the end.

How about you? Are there certain arguments you find yourself having over and over – almost as though you’re following a script? Whatever the initial trigger, your conflict seems to end up back in the same well-worn groove?

This is a warning sign that your style of conflict isn’t working. Read on to find out how you can switch that up – and I’ll tell you about a free workshop coming up that’ll help give you the tools you need to break the cycle.

So is it better not to argue at all?

At the other end of the spectrum, there are the couples who say they never argue. This seems crazy to me!

I love my husband very much but we are different people and as such sometimes we will disagree. Neither one of us is the backing down type, at least not without good reason, so to get from disagreement to compromise can often involve a few strong words.

Or to put it another way, a fight.

If you never argue with your partner, I’m going to guess one of two things are going on:

1. You’re souls twinned in heaven who genuinely agree on everything – and deserve a relationship medal of the highest order. Leave a comment below to tell the rest of us how you achieve this!

2. There is conflict happening in your relationship, but it’s being expressed in some other way. Perhaps you tend to withdraw when you don’t agree, or you’re squashing down your feelings for fear of what might happen if you let them out. If that’s the case, it might be time to consider how to open up about those areas of disagreement without completely losing control… in other words, learning how to fight fair so that you can bring issues out into the open instead of letting them fester.

So is there such a thing as a healthy row?

I think so.

Here are my suggestions for keeping things clean.

3 ways to fight fair

1. Stay on topic.

If you’re arguing about whose turn it is to put the bins out, stick to that. If you’re really cross because their work’s taking up all of their time and you’re constantly accommodating their priorities at the expense of your own – tell them that, and make that the focus of the discussion.

Either way, now is not the time to bring out a list of past wrongs – and start working your way down a laundry list of all the different ways they’ve let you down over the years. It’s not fair to them, and it makes it harder for you to express yourself clearly. If you need to, agree a time to come back to another conversation. But in the moment of conflict, deal with the issue at hand.

2. Refuse to resort to name calling and insults.

It might sound obvious, but it bears restating: The point of any argument is to solve something, not tear the other person to bits or badger them so they’ll quit and you’ll win.

If you need them to understand that you’re feeling hurt or criticised, tell them that in a way that makes your feelings clear without labelling them.

If you don’t respect your partner, or if they feel attacked, they’ll stop listening.

3. Avoid generalizations – and stick to the facts.

“You always” or ” you never” statements don’t reflect reality and will only put your partner on the defensive.

Stick to what actually happened and how it made you feel.

I call these my three golden rules and you know what? By sticking to them a fight can actually bring us closer together instead of tearing us apart.

How about you?

Do you have any “golden rules” for how to fight fair? Are you one of the couples who never argue? Or are you somewhere at the other end of the scale? We love hearing from you, and especially around a topic as diverse as this one – so let us know your thoughts in the comments.

Does conflict cause chaos in your relationships?

How comfortable are you when it comes to navigating conflict? Are you able to stand your ground and hear the other person’s point of view? Do you find yourself bending over backward to accommodate others in order to avoid arguing – or flaring up defensively at the slightest hint of disagreement?

At Love and Intimacy, our upcoming free workshop happening on 1st November, I’ll be sharing ways you can transform areas of tension into opportunities to deepen your connection in any relationship. I’ll also explain why we can often unconsciously bring out the worst in the people we’re closest to, and what you can do about it.

Registration is FREE and we’ll make a recording available if you can’t make it live. Just click the link below and enter your details, and we’ll send you all the info you need to join:

https://oneofmany.co.uk/love-and-intimacy/

And feel free to forward that on to anyone you know whose relationships could do with a reset!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Guest blog: Perfectionist or bitch?

October 15, 2020 By Thea Jolly

About
Latest Posts

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many

Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.

Disempowering Archetypes are Motivated by Fear

Perfectionists need to get things right. It’s not so much about perfection per se but about NOT getting things wrong, NOT making mistakes and ALWAYS being in control (to minimize risk of mistakes). This makes for a rather rigid set of rules and expectations, which children (and partners or colleagues) are not great at sticking to!

Conversely, situations that feel out of control, emotionally messy, or just plain wrong feel deeply threatening at a core level. It’s physiological. Our bodies get triggered by a comment, behaviour or thought and our sympathetic nervous system switches on to help us survive. We have a visceral reaction to the threat and our bodies react accordingly – with flight, fight or freeze.

When the Perfectionist feels completely out of control she often brings in the Bitch to fight. She is only trying to protect you in what she perceives as a threatening situation. She’s seen a danger of some sort (possible conflict, being taken over by negative emotions, uncertainty, chaos, being out of control) , and being unable to run away (as much as she’d love to) and too angry to freeze, she resorts to Bitch Mode.

Trigger Tracking

When you slip into the disempowering Bitch mode, there is a fear of some sort motivating this behaviour and you need to get to the bottom of it.

At One of many we use Trigger Tracking to help us understand what’s going on.

Track what triggered your Bitch to jump into action.

Were you criticised? Did you feel out of control? Are you scared of negative emotions? Did you feel like a rabbit in the headlights not knowing what to say or do next?

Then you can journal and dive deeper into the fear underneath the trigger.

Why is criticism so dangerous? What does it mean about you/life if someone criticises you?

In my personal example above, I realised that my Perfectionist was so attached to the impossible ideal of a happy, loving, smooth-running, conflict-free family life, that anything that threatened this perfect outcome was perceived as dangerous.

Emotions and conflict were on the top of the list of dangers and anything that felt like it could lead in that direction had to be squashed immediately. In these situations I would take on the role of peacemaker, an emotional-smoother-overer, diffusing the situation and trying to make sure everyone was OK. I could create harmony out of impending chaos or collaboration out of potential arguments.

But that didn’t always work. And when it didn’t, the threat level was ramped up very quickly and my Bitch came storming in to regain control.

And the crazy thing is that this fear of conflict and negative emotions actually leads to the very thought processes and behaviour that makes conflict and negative emotions more likely!

How to break the cycle

When you have got to the bottom of what triggers your Bitch, and you understand the fear or limiting belief that motivates her, it’s time to consciously choose a different response.

Firstly you’ve got to notice in the moment that you’ve been triggered, or are soon to be.

Label it: “Ah, I’m noticing my Perfectionist is scared it’s all going wrong, and has the Bitch on standby / fully engaged.”

Learn to ignore the indignation of your ego, your Bitch and your scared Perfectionist. This is only the fear talking. Don’t listen to their incendiary scripts: ‘How dare he?’ or ‘It has to be like this!’ or ‘If you let this happen, everything is doomed and you’ll be the biggest failure ever!’

Walk away & calm down: When we feel the physiological urge to fight, it’s really difficult to walk away from the situation because that’s akin to surrender. The Bitch doesn’t want to lose, let alone surrender; she needs to win the fight. But when you’ve labelled this urge as the Bitch, or the Perfectionist or Ego, you can distance yourself from what it’s saying. It’s not you.

This gives you enough space to choose to walk away and calm yourself down. Even if you don’t know how to solve the situation, you can physically take yourself away from your child, partner or colleague (if appropriate – or keep silent if not) and start soothing your nervous system with breathing exercises or shaking the fear out of your body.

I know, it’s hard! I’ve been there! But if I can gradually learn to do this, so can you.

In the early days of implementing this, some nights I had to walk out of my son’s room 8 or 9 times to calm myself down before I could eventually put him to bed.

Use the Women’s PowerTypes: When you feel calmer you can ask yourself which Powertype to use instead of Bitch.

Will your colleague respond to a boundary setting Queen intervention?

Do you need to tune into your Lover energy to resolve a thorny issue with a partner?

Do you need the energy of the Warrioress to fight for what you know is right at work?

Or do you need to step into your Sorceress and trust your intuition, your colleague, or the Universe to provide solutions?

Can you allow your Mother to feel the compassion and unconditional love for your precious child who is hurting too?

When I was asked to write this blog and saw the title I laughed out loud and said “Hell Yeah!” My inner perfectionist has been a big part of my life and is good friends with my Bitch. I know the nitty gritty and the pain of this human response.

The message I want to share is that it IS possible to change your habitual response, so that your Bitch is no longer your first responder. You can train yourself to react differently to the trigger, to the threat response and to the ‘threat’ of negative emotions and conflict. Do the inner work, experiment, build your self-awareness and mindfulness skills and you can completely transform your relationships.

That’s what I’ve been able to do and it’s made a massive difference to our family, and especially my relationship with my sons. Does Bitch still appear? Of course she does. I’m human and get tired, stressed, and triggered occasionally. But when she does come out she’s not as mean and nasty as she used to be and I’m quick to put her back in her box. I know in my bones now that she doesn’t actually help me get the result I want. And I also know that the threat she was responding to isn’t real.

About Thea

Thea Jolly is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Living the Change Programmes.

To find out more about Thea, click here. Or for a taste of her work, join her Perfectionist Mother HQ Facebook Group or take the free Are You A Perfectionist quiz by clicking here.

2 needs that define 2020

October 9, 2020 By Susie Heath

About
Latest Posts

Susie Heath

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

2 needs that define 2020 - October 9, 2020
How to be present in your relationship - May 28, 2020
Is your relationship draining you? - February 13, 2020

All of us have needs in our lives. And in relationships, we learn to balance our needs with those of someone else – so that we can feel we’re being supported, and be there for others in turn. Two specific needs have been deeply tested this year in particular.

If you’re in a relationship, knowing which one of these matters most to your partner can be hugely insightful when it comes to challenges you might have been facing as a couple.

If you’re single, understanding which is important to you can help you navigate what’s coming with even greater grace.

So today I want to explore what these two important needs are, and how you can find ways to meet them.

Need #1: Certainty

We can define this need as “The ability to feel certain in advance as to what is likely to happen now and in the future.” Hmm… not exactly a defining feature of recent months!

With certainty comes a level of confidence as we learn how life works, are able to express ourselves more easily in the world, and are able to achieve our desires.

If certainty is one of your top needs then safety and security are very important to you. So people whose top priority is certainty will do everything in their power to ensure that very little changes.

For example, they may…

Work to a budget
Stay in the same job even if they hate it
Go on holiday to the same place each year
Repeat the same habits day in day out,
Keep the house the same way (either immaculately tidy or in organised chaos)
Choose the same haircut,
Wear the same style of clothes
Hate surprises,
Get thrown if their routine is disrupted
Seldom step out of their comfort zone.

Are you someone who values certainty above all else?

Or do you know someone in your life who does?

How has 2020 impacted you or your partner when it comes to your need to feel certain? Perhaps periods of strict regulation and even lockdown have felt strangely reassuring, as you repeat the same routines every day – but constantly moving plans around, and ever-changing guidance has really derailed your sense of stability.

How to bring greater certainty into your life

If this describes your partner, then rather than be judgmental about them, think of this as a road map which helps you to understand why they operate in this way. The more you can give them reassurance, the happier and more relaxed they will be. Without it, all their fears come up to the surface.

If you’re the one who values certainty, consider ways you can bring more stability into your life. What small practices could you introduce to bring a feeling of control and steadiness into your world, despite the wider uncertainty? Share your ideas in the comments.

For some of us however, the downside of too much certainty is that we start to become bored, uncomfortable and stuck, because we need the opposite of certainty to provide stimulation to help us grow. Which leads us to the second

Need #2: Uncertainty or Variety.

This is where taking risks comes in, where we dare to challenge the status quo. We actively create more excitement and variety which make life worthwhile, where we open ourselves to new experiences to bring out new qualities in ourselves.

When faced with a challenge, most people run back to the area they are most comfortable in. But a combination of certainty and uncertainty generates growth as we search for answers in as yet unknown territory. This is where we explore who we have the possibility of becoming.

People who love uncertainty and variety are the risk-takers. These tend to be the entrepreneurs, the creative people, artists in different genres.

They may…

Play the stock market
Challenge the elements with sailing, skiing and diving
Change their jobs frequently
Be willing to step right out of their comfort zone
Hate routine
Argue just for the sake of it to see what will happen,
Love surprises
Go away on holiday on a whim without planning, who are spontaneous.
Be untidy and then enjoy blitzing the place and making it look fantastic
Move furniture around in the house to break with conformity.

When they have conquered a challenge, they become certain about it – so they have to stretch their boundaries even more to explore further. This is where extreme sports and outrageous behaviours can come in.

The downside of uncertainty and variety is the inability to be happy with where one is. These people may find “settling down” and commitment somewhat of a challenge unless lots of variety is built in.

Who do you know who is like this?

Is uncertainty or variety a top need for you?

How have the challenges of this year impacted your need for change? Perhaps you’ve found the need to pivot and adapt energising, even exciting – but struggled with a lack of freedom, travel restrictions, or the need to obey rules.

If this is your partner what can you do to help fulfil their need for variety? It doesn’t have to be extreme – you will be surprised what you can do to satisfy this need.

If it’s you, how can you introduce novelty and difference to your life? Perhaps there’s a new form of creativity to explore, a different way to exercise, or a new area near your home you can get to know. Learning new skills or researching a topic can also help you find that edge of learning and growth.

Your needs and your relationships

Most couples inevitably experience conflict and misunderstanding in their intimate relationships. But once you understand your partner’s core needs, you will be able to go some way towards fulfilling them.

And once you understand your own needs, you’re far more able to ask for them to be met with the help of your partner. In turn this will lead to a more conscious and enlightened relationship.

When you realise the importance of this, it also helps you to make a more conscious choice when selecting a partner, and also to realise why a previous relationship may not have been fulfilling.

How about you?

Does looking at your recent experience through this lens help you understand some of the challenges you’ve been facing? How could you support your loved ones, and ask them to support you, when it comes to balancing uncertainty and change?

We’d love to know what you think. Share your experience in the comments – and forward this article to anyone you think might find it helpful.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

How to deal with negative people

October 1, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

Who’s that person in your life… The one who makes your heart sink when you see their name pop up on your phone – or whose response to your latest idea or project is bound to deflate you? Negative people can be really challenging to handle – so today I want to share 5 quick ways to reframe a relationship that’s bringing you down.

Let’s start with something that you need to get out of the way first.

Every now and again I hear a different version of the same advice I’ve heard a lot over the years. ‘Cut out negative people!’ ‘Don’t allow negative people to colour your life!’ ‘Surround yourself with positive people only!’.

This is all good advice. If we eliminate negative influences chances are that the life we want will unfold in a more positive direction.

But what if you can’t just ‘cut them out’?

What if you have a negative boss but you like your job? What if it’s your neighbour, but you don’t want to move house? What if it’s your mother, and you’re definitely not at a point where you want to be completely estranged?

Yes, we need to create space for positive change but sometimes we have to do that by shifting our own mindset.

And if our only way to handle challenging people is to avoid them completely, we’re cutting ourselves off from interactions that might really have something to teach us.

This a great chance for us to practice compassion, patience and unconditional love!

Here are five ways to get started.

1. Use the Women’s PowerTypes to connect more effectively

If you haven’t come across the Women’s PowerTypes before, you can read more about them here. Often, a quick check in with how you’re showing up in a relationship can help you see what needs to be shifted.

Perhaps you’re taking on a “Mothering” role for a friend, when actually stepping into Queen would help you set boundaries that would empower both of you.
Have you been sharing your intuitive “Sorceress” instincts with a partner, who’s more powerfully engaged with through magnetic Lover?
Or maybe your direct report at work always clashes with you when you’re in “Queenly” strategy modeWhat would be different if you got into action as Warrioress before asking for their input on your project?

You could also use the PowerTypes to help you release any pent up emotion following difficult interactions.

For example, if conversations with your sister often leave you tense, you might want to consciously spend some time in Lover to fill your energy back up afterwards. If you’re stuck, ask for help in the BeOne community. We love to help each other connect to these leadership archetypes more powerfully.

2. Don’t go there.

Some people have a hard time recognising which comments are supportive and which are critical. If there’s a particular area of my life I don’t like discussing with someone I will request that we don’t discuss it at all.

Maybe you could make a mental note that you won’t bring up your career with your hyper-critical Dad, or that work conversations should steer clear of relationships.

It’s OK to have boundaries around topics, and to actively choose not to engage in conversation around subjects that always lead to hurt.

3. Be understanding and compassionate.

Especially in today’s fast-paced, unpredictable world, many of us are carrying a heavy emotional burden that can lead unthinking responses. Everybody has their own struggles. We’re all just one of many humans trying to do the best that we can. The chances are that the people we feel are hurting us have been badly hurt themselves.

This is particularly important to remember on social media, when conversations can flare up and misunderstandings are rife. Often an offline conversation is a kinder way to check in with them and resolve any lingering upset.

4. Accept them.

Sometimes we’re challenged by a desire to “fix” those we care about. When someone you love is in a repeated pattern, and you feel as though the change they need to make is clear, it can be tough to bite your tongue.

In these situations, I tell myself it’s not my job to heal them. I do not have the power to change them. If they are ever going to change they will have to do so of their own accord. The only person I am able to change is me.

Which leads me to point 5…

5. If all else fails… gather the data!

If you really can’t shift the relationship, you can at least change your experience of it. An empowering way to do that is to treat the interactions as data. So get curious. What is is specifically that “triggers” you when it comes to this person? Does that remind you of an experience in childhood, a particularly tender area of your life, or a need that’s not currently being met?

Whenever you feel emotions rising, make a mental note to log away what you’re learning.

Journal on it, use it as the basis for a coaching conversation, or if you’re part of Living the Change bring it to a group call.

Sometimes, it’s the most frustrating people in our lives who are our greatest teachers.

Loving the negative people… it’s possible!

So if you can’t cut negative people out of your life you can approach them from a place of love. It sounds impossible but try it. The toxic relationship will become charged with positive energy.

And along the way you might learn things about yourself you might never have known.

Life is too short to give critical and negative people the power to influence our direction. Cherish your dreams, learn from your relationships, and don’t let anyone stop you or slow you down.

How about you?

How do you deal with negative people? Are there some people in your life you feel you ought to cut out but can’t? Could you try changing your reaction? Let us know in the comments…

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to stay engaged without losing your compassion

July 16, 2020 By Sam McNeil

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Sam McNeil

Samantha McNeill is One of many’s resident digital support queen, helping us share our programs, trainings and free resources effectively, efficiently and with ease. She’s a devoted pet mom to a small menagerie of rescue dogs and cats, loves geeking out on statistics and analytics, and makes a mean veggie curry. She’s a transplant from the US currently living in Hampshire, where she dreams of one day creating a sustainable farm.

These are challenging times

Since the start of this year things have felt like a never-ending chain of escalation. Every time you see the news there is some new horrific or shocking event happening.

The stressors seem to keep piling on and we are left feeling we’re an overflowing dam that is cracking and about to burst. The world is pulsing with humanity’s feelings of isolation, fear, anger, desperation, frustration, and depression. Social media and the internet mean we’re more connected and able to share those feelings than ever. And with every negative event and emotion, that feeling grows and starts to creep out.

For many of us, recent events have hit all too close to home

When this happens, empathy, which is one of our most distinguishing traits as humans, can sometimes become a double-edged sword. Not a single one of us wants to idle by while those around us suffer. So now, more than ever, we find ourselves manically inspired and ready to take on the world so that we can protect what is most important to us.

But have you ever heard the saying “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”?

In other words, when we lose sight of our values through a feeling of self-righteousness, we sometimes can find ourselves doing or saying things we’d never normally do.

Sometimes our emotions get the best of us. Even if we go into something with the best of intentions, we may find that after an assortment of twists and turns, we lost sight of ourselves or our original goal.

When this happens, it is important to take a step back and re-evaluate ourselves and the situation.

Finding perspective amidst the storm

So, with that all being said, I invite you right now to take a second. Take a deep sigh of relief, relax your shoulders, unclench your fist, straighten your back, centre yourself and give yourself a moment.

As humans we naturally have reactive and proactive natures, so when we spot something that bothers us, it triggers an emotional response and from there we tend to decide our plan of action.

Very rarely is something as simple as going from point A to point B.

We may read A and respond instinctively with B, but then we are triggered by something else to say C and then D, and maybe even go back later to add an E… and so on.

How to stay engaged without losing compassion

A visual exercise I like to use while self-reflecting, is imagining your inner thought process as a tree. Tall, proud, forever growing, ageing, and changing with the seasons. Every branch, leaf, flower, and root of your tree is its own independent thought and the collective information they provide feeds into the trunk and becomes your base.

Instead of trying to focus on every single bit of information each of your branches, leaves, flowers, or roots may be feeding back to you, try focusing on your trunk/core. Whether you focus on them or not does not change the fact that they are a part of you.

For example – how often have you found yourself in conflict with someone, when you realise you’re being distracted by the nitty-gritty of what you’re talking about?

Maybe you catch yourself arguing the finer points of your cohabiting arrangements with your partner, over exactly who said they’d put the bins out. The issue isn’t the missed chore – it’s your need to be recognised for the responsibility you take in your partnership.

Or you’re deep in debate with a team member, dissecting the semantics of the word “regards” in a discussion about whether or not their email overstepped the mark. It’s not really the passive aggressive tone you’re discussing – it’s your worry that your colleague’s commitment to the team is faltering, and that’s seeping into external communications.

For me and my mom, our shared goal is to end oppression and find a true sense of equality in the world. The real issue was whether we both want the world to change – and we do.

With that in mind, I realise that becoming defensive about how she expresses that is a tangent. A rattling leaf that misses the trunk of our common values.

Life is a journey, not a battle

So, when you find yourself overwhelmed with emotion, try asking yourself this:

What is the core of what you are looking for?

If you had to choose 1 thought out of a 1000 to sum up your vision or goal within that moment, what would that 1 thought be?

Keep it simple – restrict it to a sentence or two.

Once you have that thought write it down. In my experience, the hardest part of a personal journey is finding your path again when you feel like you have lost your way.

With that practice in mind, when you are approaching someone about something, what is the end goal that you have in mind?

And are you conveying your thoughts from your core or are you getting lost amongst your own branches?

We’re trees in a forest

It’s near impossible for us to understand every single branch, root, leaf and flower that make up each other’s trees. Especially on social media, we rarely have the full picture behind someone’s comment. Perhaps they’ve just received devastating news; had a terrible day; or spent long hours debating this issue with someone in another group.

Maybe, like my mom, they’re processing more personal experiences with inequality and suddenly feeling acutely aware of the differences between them and even their closest loved ones.

When a comment or response stings, it can be helpful to step away and take a few breaths. To come back to your “trunk”.

Regardless of who we are, or what we believe in, it is important to remember that our end goal is still to harmonise and synchronise with one another. If we did not care we would not be talking at all, and things would never have escalated in the first place.

Going into any conversation, especially around sensitive topics, it’s really important that you understand the core of your opinion or decision.

Our challenge is to stay informed and to keep engaging with the topics that we are passionate about, without losing sight of the big change we want to see.

How about you? How do you find calm and purpose when events fire up your emotions? Let us know in the comments.

About Samantha

Animal lover | Food grower | Self taught chef

Samantha McNeill is One of many’s resident digital support queen, helping us share our programs, trainings and free resources effectively, efficiently and with ease. She’s a devoted pet mom to a small menagerie of rescue dogs and cats, loves geeking out on statistics and analytics, and makes a mean veggie curry. She’s a transplant from the US currently living in Hampshire, where she dreams of one day creating a sustainable farm.

How to be present in your relationship

May 28, 2020 By Susie Heath

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Susie Heath

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

2 needs that define 2020 - October 9, 2020
How to be present in your relationship - May 28, 2020
Is your relationship draining you? - February 13, 2020

One of the worst things in a relationship is feeling lonely, despite being with another person. Sadly, it’s a common enough experience for many couples, especially during these times of unexpected strain. It’s often one of those things that creeps up surreptitiously, until it is almost too late. So here are a few ways to be present in your relationship – and why it matters so much.

Why knowing how to be present in your relationship is vital

When we lose presence with our partner, we might experience some of the following things:

Sexual attraction begins to diminish
Your self-esteem falters
You lose passion and enthusiasm for life
You feel taken for granted
You jump to conclusions
You get defensive
You lose the freshness and the desire for being with your partner
You fail to notice when you could turn things around
You get bored… and the rot of stagnation sooner or later sets in.

But many of us are tied up in trying hard in the world.

We’re competing and trying to prove that we are good enough, and worthy of love.

We try to be interesting and interested, to prove how clever we are, and how hard we are trying – instead of just enjoying and appreciating each moment of our precious life.

“Trying” always implies the possibility of “failing”. It can all to easily become effortful, exhausting and stressful.

In this mode, we are always comparing and contrasting, using our thoughts to enhance the worry and stress, focussing on what is wrong (and often embroidering it in glorious Technicolor so that it appears bright and enormous in our eyes!)

Even arguments and fighting create a connection, but when that doesn’t work, we just give in, or even give up. When that happens, there’s no possibility of movement within the relationship, and it slowly dies.

So are you really present in your relationship?

Or are you sitting on the sidelines and thinking about it?

Let me give you an example:

You could be making love or kissing your partner, but what is going on in your head is…

“How long is this going to go on for? Must remember to do that grocery order; it used to be more fun than this; did I reschedule that Zoom call? Wish you wouldn’t do that; this is so boring; got to get that financial report in by Tuesday; wonder what’s happening on Facebook; if we hurry now I can catch the 10 o’clock news; if I hold my tummy in perhaps they won’t notice that I’ve put on weight”

…and on and on and on with internal chatter in the background.

The problem here is we are failing to actually BE with our partner. However well we think we’re hiding that, energetically they will feel it – but not know what is wrong.

Women in particular are able to feel when their partner’s energy is not focussed on them, and it has a knock-on effect on their sexual arousal, together with their self-esteem.

When we lose the art of presence

In your unconscious mind, what is happening is that you are comparing, contrasting, distorting, deleting and generalising information as to what is happening, rather than being fully involved in the experience of being together.

This lack of being fully present is the same whether you are eating a meal, giving a speech, doing your work, or having a conversation. We have learned to distract ourselves so much that we miss out on the experience of living, and wonder how life has passed us by so quickly.

The feeling of being needed, loved and desired by someone is paramount, so when it is not fulfilled, we mentally leave the person we are with to go and do other things to fill the gap. We fantasise, we make ourselves extra busy, we worry and stress, anything to avoid recognising our real need and asking for it. We try to get this need met by thinking – but in fact love and connection with another person can only be experienced outside of thought.

What does it mean to be present in your relationship?

Being present is when you are there in full awareness, with no judgement about yourself, no conditions as to how the other should be and allowing the experience to unfold.

It’s about leaving behind any thoughts that could make you miserable, any emotional baggage from the past, any opinions and limitations, but just using all your senses to be fully where you are, and it’s quite magical.

It’s about getting out of your head and in touch with your body and feelings.

It’s about learning how to appreciate every moment of being in each other’s presence, increasing your sheer pleasure and making life more satisfying and worthwhile.

How to be present in your relationship

Remember a time when you were blissfully happy – it may have been making love, or looking at a rainbow, being by the sea or receiving a massage. Where was thought then?

It was not there, because you had all your senses completely wrapped around the living experience rather than thoughts about the experience. There was no comparing or contrasting, no judgment or limitation, just the sheer bliss of Beingness.

This is what we need to learn to re-create with our partner – when you do it will bring back those feelings of ecstasy and awareness, of vitality and aliveness, of feelingful care and loving attention.

First – stop trying.

Trying causes tension. Tension causes competitiveness with an inbuilt fear of failure and stresses the whole system. So breathe deeply and learn to let go …and relax.

When you really relax, not only your body but also your mind and your thoughts, you can allow your judgement to be suspended, you can stop being defensive, you can go through and out the other side of any limitations, as you learn to love from an enlightened and intelligent space.

There is no peace and harmony where your mind is racing and judging and being emotional. Love is not an emotion – that is where you attach conditions and it cannot last. Love is a state of being, and it is eternal.

Second: This may sound odd, but it generates an amazing and wondrous unconditional freshness.

Every evening say “Everything about my relationship with (insert your partner’s name here) today I now destroy and uncreate.” (This is a technique taken from Gary Douglas’s work from Access Consciousness)

So when you wake up in the morning, you have left behind any negative opinions or conclusions, prejudices and assumptions about them from the previous day. It means you can start again, afresh in the here and now every day with the person in front of you with no resentment or hurt from anything that has gone before.

You will be fully aware of what is really going on, rather than looking through conditioning and programming that stops you from seeing the truth.

It allows you to focus on the other person and get feedback which way to go, and you will get insights and be able to operate from that. You will really start to see the other person and draw out their potential as you’re no longer operating from what you think you know about them.

Third: Connect to your senses

Ideally practice this exercise out in nature somewhere where there is an explosion of colours and sounds in the trees or the water, the sky, the birds, the rain. Once you have mastered the technique, practice doing it with your partner when you are kissing or making love or just holding each other and looking into each other’s eyes.

You will be amazed and delighted how the intensity of love-making increases as you begin to wrap your senses 100% around what is actually happening as you become fully present. Here’s how to do it:

Practice for 15 seconds at a time just using your Sight – look at what is around you with no labelling, no comparing, no judging. Just see the colours, the shapes, the textures.

Listen to all the sounds, the vibration, the tonality, the softness, the harshness, each and every sound with no labelling, no judging as to whether you like it or not.

Feel physically the heat of your body, the breeze and sunlight on your skin, the touch of your lover, the intensity, the gentleness of the caress.

Feel the emotional side, the caring, the loving, the warmth, the safety, the nurturing, the pride in your body, the vitality of your cells, the beat of your heart and of theirs

Smell the air, the scent, the sea, the earthiness, whatever is around you, the perfume of your lover’s skin in different parts of their body

Taste – highly linked with smell, taste the air, taste your lover.

Now go back to Sight and go through this sequence over and over again until you truly have mastered being able to stay out of thought and be in the present moment.

To know how to be present in your relationship you need to be in unconscious attention – in other words not aware that you’re doing anything other than just being. If you apply conscious attention to it, you will start to look through the old programming of limitation again. Once you are fully present, colours will appear more vibrant, your connection with nature and your lover will literally be mind-blowing, and your relationship will go from strength to strength.

And finally, if you find that your partner is not being present with you, if they are always in their head thinking, rationalising and being logical, try gently touching them, bringing them back into reconnecting with their body. Learn to appreciate your partner for the miracle of life that they are, and allow the magic to flow.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Is your relationship draining you?

February 13, 2020 By Susie Heath

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Susie Heath

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

2 needs that define 2020 - October 9, 2020
How to be present in your relationship - May 28, 2020
Is your relationship draining you? - February 13, 2020

Is your relationship draining you? Today I want to explain the importance of energy in relationships – and give you some simple ways you can revitalize a relationship where things are starting to feel draining, frustrating or stale. First, let me explain what I mean by the “energy” of a relationship.

Inside every human being is a life source from which comes life-force in the form of an energy. This is the energy that grows your hair, that heals your body, that sends the blood coursing through your veins. It is the pulsation you feel when you are resting quietly, like a stream of electricity tingling through your body, without you having to do anything to make it happen. It is this energy which when it is harmony with another person can rocket you to the stars, or when at odds with them, will sink you like a stone.

We are like radio transmitters with our energy – we affect everything around us with our thoughts, feelings and actions and it emanates from us like radio signals to be picked up by those on a similar wave-length to us. People who are particularly sensitive can even see our energy around our heads and body in our aura, sometimes in colour but certainly as a fuzzy pattern around the body.

It is this energy that we pick up on when we meet someone and when we are in connection with them, in our communications and in our interaction with them.

Is your relationship draining you?

So does your relationship rocket you to the stars, enabling you to express who you truly are with joy and inspiration? Or is your relationship draining you?

Does it make you feel good about yourself, good about the future and positive about life?
Does it bring out the best in you?
Do you feel healthier and rejuvenated, whole and nourished, loved and loving towards your partner?
Do you feel connected and at one with your partner?

This is how a good relationship will make you feel.

If that sounds idealistic, it is because it is rather rare in this throwaway society, because love is in your actions and in the way you speak, move and touch those you love and care about – just in the way you turn up.

Does that mean you will never have moments of feeling that you don’t like your partner or that they irritate you or that you want to get away? No, it just means that like the foundations of a house, it is deep and broad and will withstand the storms and raging that go in life. Love is a gifting and a receiving – it is a generosity of spirit and when you have the desire to sustain and nurture it, like a beautiful plant it can bloom to reveal something truly inspirational.

What you bring to the relationship makes a tremendous difference.

If you are bringing positivity, a healthy way of thinking, an enjoyment of life no matter what it throws at you, and a willingness to be flexible and generous, the energy will be high.

If on the other hand you are bringing old negative memories, hurt, resentment, guilt and shame, you will lower the energy dramatically.

So what are you bringing with you? What are you transmitting? What are you receiving?

How do we create energy?

Much of it is by our thought patterns which influence the way our energy flows. Our temperament allows flow or blocks it. What we put into our body, our food, drink, chemicals, exposure to technology, the way we move and our environment have strong influences on our energy. But what drains our energy mostly is anger, depression, misery and negative thoughts, particularly blame, resentment and shame – these are the most damaging both health-wise and for any relationship.

Here are some ways to help the energy of your relationship thrive.

10 simple energy boosters to revitalise your relationships

Let go of stress by doing things you love to do. Learn to relax!
Take full responsibility for your emotional state and become more conscious of your moods; move your body and change your energy; empower yourself with new positive beliefs.
Be in allowance of who you are and stop trying to be perfect.
Enjoy yourself. Laugh.
Plan time out for fun, rest time and holidays; for romance and meaningful conversation.
Touch, cuddle, make time for romance and make love.
Think about how you’re nourishing yourself. Drink plenty of water; eat low GI (slow sugar release foods), avoid processed meals and refined foods;
Commit to paying it forward and contributing to others.
Give yourself the gift of regular pampering such as massage, reflexology; regular daily deep breathing; exercise which you enjoy, with proper recovery/stretching; or daily walks outside in sunlight.
Meet up regularly with positive like-minded people.

You might notice that none of these requires any shift in your partner! Revitalising your energy isn’t about trying to shape, change or confront anyone else. To become aware of and harness this energy and ultimately gain access to its source is to cease mental effort – tune into your energy and find out what it wants of you. It is the still, small voice within that often gets drowned by our self-talk.

We need to learn to relax and listen, mentally as well as physically. It’s not easy in our often hectic life, but it is possible particularly as you just wake up in the morning and as going to sleep at night.

What if you had all that kind of wonderful energy continually running through your body? The magic of it is that when you feel it flowing, it will direct you. You can put hopes and dreams onto the energy and watch them materialise. Go with the flow trusting that Life is indeed looking after you.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Guest post: How to keep a relationship alive

December 19, 2019 By Susie Heath

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Susie Heath

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

2 needs that define 2020 - October 9, 2020
How to be present in your relationship - May 28, 2020
Is your relationship draining you? - February 13, 2020

Love at first sight? Yes, it can happen. But when we buy into the idea that love can only happen in a spontaneous, earth-shaking fireworks display, we can close the door to allowing love to bloom and blossom in its own time. Knowing how to keep a relationship alive can open doors to deeper and more meaningful connection – but to get there, we need to know what to do.

How to keep a relationship alive

A relationship is like a tender sapling.

It needs nourishing and feeding, light, warmth and cherishing; it needs stamina and commitment to strengthen it so it becomes resilient in the path of outer circumstances which could blow it off course. It needs space and air and tender care, it needs understanding, and good and fertile ground in which to put its root down. And as it grows, we need to prune away the dead wood and keep the live wood where the buds are forming and developing.

Today I want to explore how love can grow and evolve over time – even in relationships that have faced challenges, rocky patches, or resentment.

What has to happen to keep love alive?
How do you turn a relationship into an adventure and a delight rather than a downward spiral, set in its ways?
How do you nurture and expand the potential so it becomes a fully passionate and joyful journey of discovery, intimacy and truth?

When love feels easy

All of us at some time or another have been in that special relationship – we are in love, it’s like the sparkling river of life, there’s joy, there’s laughter, there’s passion and desire, everything seems brighter, clearer and more vital.

Above all there’s a feeling of being connected, a oneness with your beloved, a connection from heart to heart rather than from head to head.

You look at that person and you see their true nature. You see all the good in them. There’s an openness, a trust, an honesty, a goodness – almost childlike – with nothing in the way. The world around you looks wonderful, you want to love everyone, and you feel that this could last forever.

And then…

Over time, however, it can be as if you lose sight of the person and the life force within them which so attracted you in the first place.

You no longer just see their good points; you begin to see bad points that you didn’t notice before.
You begin to focus on your differences; your analytical mind comes in now.
You focus even more on what’s wrong with the relationship – they have such annoying habits!
You begin to hold things against them; resentments, grudges, even hostility can arise.

The barriers go up between the two of you and you begin to live once again in your individual world of separate realities. Once again you feel lonely, alienated, hurt, disappointed, misunderstood; your barriers of self-protection go up even more as you are constantly on guard against the possible onslaught, and you are defensive from the moment you wake up in the morning.

Now you begin to spend a lot of time thinking about what’s wrong with the relationship, what’s wrong with the other person, and how you can fix it.

You have these head to head discussions that end in emotional upsets and everyone feeling even worse, until finally you’re left with only one solution.

So what’s really going on?

Let’s slow down and really see what’s happening.

The truth is you have stopped having a relationship with the miracle of life that is in the person in front of you. Whether it’s right or wrong, it has become a relationship with your thoughts.

We get triggered by things happening which remind us of problems in our previous relationships – but actually have nothing to do with the person you are with right this moment.

When you first saw that person, you saw them without the contamination of your analytical mind – you probably saw them as they really are, with their true nature. Spending time with our thoughts rather than our partner even when we are supposed to be with them, never allows for potential to emerge.

We don’t wait to see the person grow before we jump in with our judgments.

So ask yourself: “Do I want to have a relationship with my negative thoughts, or do I want to have a relationship with the Life in that person so that we can evolve together?”

That doesn’t mean changing who you really are, but evolving and growing in the presence of the other, and with their energy, to help you grow and expand your life.

When you stop making assumptions about the other and just allow the other person to unfold in all their magnificence, it is like witnessing a rose opening petal by petal as you encourage its vitality and beauty.

Explore this miraculous being by asking inquisitive questions that are positive to draw out the best qualities in them and find out what lights them up.

Our tendency is always to focus on the negative and talk about the darkest moments in life as if that will create a connection – it will of course, but not one that brings joy to the relationship.

8 questions to help you reconnect to your partner

Try asking these questions and listening openly to the answers. You might be surprised what emerges when you give your partner the space to respond.

What did you like doing when you were a child?
What are your happiest memories?
What did you want to be when you grew up?
What are your needs as a man/woman?
What are your individual needs?
If I were to give you a magic wand, what would you really like?
What little things make you feel good?
What makes you feel loved – is it by being told, being bought gifts, being given surprises, being held and made love to? Being left little notes? Find their needs and make them your needs, not by becoming a pleaser but by the sheer joy of lighting up someone else’s life – if they are doing it for you too, what a magnificent journey you can have together.

Does this mean that you will end up forever with this person? There is nothing guaranteed in love and life and it may just run its course, but at least you will enjoy the journey far more.

You see, we can never learn love. We can only remove the barriers that block love from coming in, and from us expressing it.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.