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The difference between goals and dreams

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

What’s the difference between goals and dreams? Are they simply different words for talking about what’s essentially the same thing, or is there a distinction between them when it comes to creating the future you want?

The language you use to describe what you’re doing matters. Knowing what your aim is can give you access to different tools and behaviours that can help you get to where you want to go.

But first, let’s get clear on what we mean when we talk about these two concepts.

The difference between goals and dreams

Goals are commonly used in a work context, or when we’re talking about something specific.

You might have come across the acronym SMART used when talking about goal setting. There are variations on what the different letters stand for, but an often-accepted definition is:

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Achievable
  • Realistic
  • Time-sensitive

Examples of goals might be…

Run 5km by October

Increase business profits by 50% this quarter

Teach my daughter to tie her shoelaces independently by the time she starts school

Dreams, on the other hand, tend to have a more abstract feel to them.

They might not be something you can write down or describe in words – your dream might be an image, a feeling or a very broad idea of something you would like to experience in your future.

Your dream might be…

To have my own business doing work I love

To travel somewhere adventurous

To feel true soul connection to my partner

Why distinguish between goals and dreams?

The difference between these concepts is pretty clear, then. While a goal is something that’s straightforward to describe and plan for, a dream is something less tangible. You’ll know when you get there, but you might not have a clear sense of exactly when that will be or what the steps are for you to achieve it.

Many of us have been brought up in a society where goals are considered to be superior to dreams.

Perhaps you were told by a teacher or a parent that you “daydreamed” too much, or that you needed to make your dreams more concrete.

In the workplace, we’re often encouraged to set realistic, measurable targets – and of course, it makes sense to be able to define when we’ve achieved certain outcomes and to be able to track our progress.

But does that really make dreams inferior?

Dreams vs. goals: The PowerTypes insight

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are powerful role models of female leadership that enable us to access our inner resources and step into our most powerful selves.

When it comes to goals and dreams, we see two PowerTypes come to the fore: The Queen and the Sorceress. Here’s how they can help you get clear on what you’re aiming for.

Setting goals with the Queen

Call to mind an archetypal queen: serene, regal and authoritative, she steers her realm by making decisions for the good of all. Queen is the PowerType we call on when it’s time to set clear goals that will define our activities over a period of time.

Just as the Queen of a kingdom manages her resources, setting clear priorities for her court, her army and her treasury, so you can use your own Queen energy to guide your decisions.

You might choose to set boundaries in service of your goal – for example, agree that your partner will take care of the evening chores three nights a week so you can make progress with your running schedule.

The Queen is a powerful decision maker; she trusts her intuition but she also takes advice from her wise counsellors. So if your boss suggests that your goal of doubling your team’s sales figures isn’t a realistic one, you’ll take their advice into account. And your big vision and sense of clear-eyed certainty will motivate others around you to lend their energy to help your goal.

Dreaming with Sorceress

Sorceress is the PowerType we turn to when it’s time to dream.

It’s important to note that no one PowerType is prioritised over the others, so your connection to your Sorceress is in no way more or less important than your Queen. Instead, we recognise the need to be able to draw on the PowerType that’s most appropriate for what we’re trying to achieve in any given moment.

The ability to dream, to intuit and to feel what might be possible for the future is absolutely as important as your capability for planning and preparing for goals.

The Sorceress “feels” into her visions and is able to see possibilities that might not be open to others, or which might even feel impossible. She’s attuned to nature, and tends to spend time on her own connecting to her inner vision and trusting absolutely in the gifts or insights it brings her.

Your Sorceress might guide you to connect with a certain person, invest in a specific workshop or say “no” to an opportunity that for some reason doesn’t feel “right”.

Learning to trust these visions and stay open to the ways in which they might become a reality can be a challenge for those of us more used to rolling up our sleeves and making things happen – but it’s a skill that the most powerful leaders are often able to use.

Dreaming in action

Jen Le Marinel, a One of many Certified Coach, describes why dreams are so important:

We all have dreams. Some are big, some are small. Some seem impossible, some are forgotten, some are buried deep inside, lost under the pile of stuff that everyday life throws at us. But somewhere, there’s that spark, that every now and then gets fanned, and it flickers. Nurtured, it grows, ignored, it dies down…

Jen’s taken many courageous steps on the path to bringing her dreams to life, and one things she’s learned along the way is that giving appropriate value to your dream allows you to balance your efforts to achieve your goals along the way.

Once you’re on the right path, and living the dream – I mean, living by the VALUES of that dream – you’re actually already there. The achievement of the ultimate dream doesn’t feel so urgent, as you’re already living in alignment with what that dream will give you. And the best bit….when you’re on that path, the ultimate dream even begins to speed up towards you!

It makes sense, doesn’t it – there’s no point putting your energy towards reaching a certain goal if it’s not ultimately leading towards a dream that feels good to be moving towards.

And as Jen has learned, being able to dream – and trust that dream – can lead to a life that you might never have imagined if you had only permitted yourself to stick to those “manageable” or “realistic” goals.

TODAY I’m now considering some steps that could potentially lead me to my “out there” dream in a matter of months. A place I never dreamed I’d reach at all, let alone so soon. It’s not going to be easy and I don’t even know for sure that the time is definitely right, but I do know that if I hadn’t started “living the dream” a couple of years ago I definitely wouldn’t be living the dream today.

Knowing how to balance your Queen and Sorceress – your dreams and your goals – is the key to unlocking your fullest potential – and having the impact you’re ultimately here to make.

Are you more of a goal-setter or a dreamer?

Do you tend to break things down into practical steps, or are you more of a big-picture dreamer? Remember, neither of those is better or worse than the other – and most of us tend to find one comes more naturally, while the other requires more conscious cultivation.

Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to get over mother guilt

By

Thea Jolly

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many
Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.
Thea Jolly

Latest posts by Thea Jolly (see all)

This article is by Thea Jolly, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea’s mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves – because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world. And today she’s sharing 5 simple ways to get over our guilt.

How much time and energy do you waste feeling bad about your parenting? Do you second guess your decisions, worrying about saying no and upsetting your children, or do you try to please everyone, despite it compromising what you believe in? Or perhaps you experience a constant low-level guilt about not being the ‘Perfect Mother’ and being able to Do-It-All.

Welcome to modern motherhood – and indeed, modern womanhood. Even if you’re not a mum, the steps I’m sharing with you today are incredibly powerful when you apply them to any situation you find yourself feeling guilty about.

Often our guilt is in direct proportion to the expectations we have of ourselves, of the bar that we set ourselves. And in some areas it’s just too high.

When we are at our best we are light-hearted and happy, following our intuition, allowing life to flow and opportunities for growth and nurture to unfold. Guilt gets in the way of that.

So how do we stop? And how do we let our softer, natural, more effective Mother out to play?

5 ways to deal with mother guilt

1. Call it out.

The first step towards change is to notice what is going on. As the saying goes, knowledge is power, and self-knowledge is the ultimate power.

Start noticing whenever you feel guilty about something and instead of ruminating, say to yourself:

‘I’m noticing I’m feeling guilty about x, and that’s OK. I’m a human being feeling a human emotion.’

This labelling helps you to distance yourself from the guilty thoughts and emotions – like an observer who’s not so personally involved – which reduces their power over you.

2. Notice your stories.

Every second of the day we are interpreting the world around us, through our bodies and minds. None of those interpretations are true – they are just one of many realities that we create depending on our mood, our beliefs and a million other filters and factors that affect our neural connections.

When guilt strikes, ask yourself what story you are telling yourself.

For example, I’ve noticed that I often feel guilty about feeding my children processed pizzas. If I stop and ask myself what story I’m really telling myself the answer might be:

I’m telling myself that good mums never feed their children pizza, and that because I’m not making time to cook meals from scratch, I’m a bad mum. I’m telling myself the story that all other mums cook healthier meals than I do.

I’m painting a black and white picture where pizza is bad and no-pizza is good. I’m telling myself that my children will get obese, and develop diabetes and die early from cancer because I’m not a good enough mother and it’s all my fault.

I’m also telling myself the story that it’s too hard to do anything else and that I’m stuck here feeling bad about feeding my kids pizza every Friday.

Written down, I’m sure you can see how untrue this story is. There are elements of truth – processed pizza isn’t the healthiest of meals – but the extrapolations and meanings I’ve taken from it are not true.

I won’t kill my children with pizza. There are hundreds of habits and factors that will affect my children’s health. There are thousands of moments that will contribute to my parenting, and most of them will be nurturing and positive.

Start questioning the stories you are telling yourself and make a conscious choice about whether to believe them or not.

After a while you will notice your favourite stories, and will be able to say to yourself: Ah, that’s my ‘I’m a bad mother story’, ‘I can’t cope story’, or ‘pizzas are evil story’ and let it go.

3. Know your values and boundaries

Sometimes guilt is a response to actions that occur because your boundaries are being crossed or your values are being compromised.

For example, I’ve realised that for me personally my pizza story was a sign that I wasn’t living in line with my values. I believe in fresh, wholesome food and while my family generally eats this way, I know in my heart that the balance has slipped more towards convenience and extra treats than I’d like.

And so I have to ask myself: what could I do that will make me feel more in integrity with my values around feeding my family, while also acknowledging that I’m busy and don’t always have the time or inclination to cook?

Then, because I know that I’m working towards a better balance I can reassure myself when the tabloid ‘Bad Pizza Mum’ guilt rears its ugly head.

4. Get into your Queen PowerType.

One of the biggest surprises for me when I started working with the 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ was how effective being in the Queen PowerType is for the difficult moments of parenting.

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are the powerful role models we use at One of many to tap into our strongest feminine leadership, and the Queen is just one of them (the others are Warriroress, Sorceress, Lover and Mother).

A Queen just knows what to do. She leaves all the self-doubt and second guessing to others and calmly and confidently states what is needed in any particular situation.

And she doesn’t do guilt. She looks after her needs, is aligned to what she wants for herself and her family and knows what the right action is.

So when guilt strikes, stepping back and asking ‘What would a Queen do/say?’ is often enough to reassure yourself that what you are doing is the right thing.

When my children complain about not liking certain meals I cook, I can go into Queen, align myself with my values of health and vitality and calmly say ‘This is what is for dinner today.’ No drama. No guilt.

5. Let go of responsibility

This might sound weird for a mum, but honestly, if there is one thing I’ve learnt during my parenting journey it’s that we are not responsible for our children’s happiness.

As harsh as that sounds, it is not our job to manage their emotional well-being.

Obviously we do our best to be compassionate, caring, inclusive, loving, nurturing and all those wonderful qualities of Mother, especially when they are young.

We can encourage them along the way to managing their own emotions – but we only hold the space for their journey, and cannot force it to play out a certain way.

When we try to cajole, influence or control the well-being of others so that we can feel better it can be counter-productive. You can only lead with integrity, not force your family to follow you.

Next time you are feeling guilty ask yourself: ‘Is this my responsibility?’ Quite often the answer is no.

Are you simply feeling bad because, naturally, you don’t want your child to feel bad?

You are responsible to act in accordance to your highest values of behaviour (i.e. respect, love, enthusiasm, integrity etc.) and to the vision you have for your family.

How your children respond is not your responsibility, it’s their opportunity to learn and discover themselves.

My children are now 16, 14 and 11. They are old enough to know what foods are good for them and make their own decisions. I can teach, model and provide a balanced healthy diet but ultimately I have to gift them the responsibility to look after their own bodies and health.

I can also choose to acknowledge with compassion, that this letting go is sometimes scary, extremely annoying, fraught with arguments and mistakes on both sides, but that ultimately it’s what being a mother is all about.

Finally, it’s important to note that sometimes guilt is appropriate.

Maybe you’ve behaved in a way that wasn’t your best self. That’s OK. Guilt is there to prompt a response: to make amends, apologise or change a habit. But when guilt itself is a habit, linked to who you are, not to how you are behaving, it might be slipping into the arena of shame – which is not useful for parenting in any way (but that’s a whole other blog post..).

How about you?

Thea Jolly: How to get over mother guiltDo you experience “mother guilt”, or do you recognise some of what I’ve described here in your life outside of motherhood? We’d love to know your experience of guilt and whether you find these strategies effective when it comes to coming past it – leave a comment and let us know.

Thea is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Thea, and how you can work with her, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When boundaries don’t work

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Boundaries are one of our most essential tools when it comes to staying sane and managing our multiple responsibilities. Whether it’s clarity around work responsibilities, structure around your time or knowing just what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to communication, forget diamonds – boundaries are your very best friend. So when boundaries don’t work, things can really get challenging.

Today I want to share a quick guide to handling boundaries when people in your life ignore them, clash with them or don’t seem to understand them. But first, let’s get clear.

What are boundaries?

I think Brené Brown has the simplest definition I’ve seen:

“Boundaries are simply: what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

It’s a great way to look at boundaries. They’re your way of defining what you need to be at your best. 

You can create boundaries around all sorts of things – your needs, your time, your relationships. But what happens when someone crosses them, or you need to change them?

When boundaries don’t work

There are a few different reasons why boundaries might not work. Sometimes we’re all too aware of the problem; other times, we’re called to pay closer attention to subtle signs. Do any of these feel relevant to you, right now?

When people ignore a boundary

Sometimes it’s really obvious that a boundary just isn’t being respected.

You’ve made it clear that you need to know when your friend’s going to pop round, and yet she keeps rocking up unexpectedly.

You’ve made the boundary clear, and the other person isn’t honouring that. Time for an important conversation – below, I’ll give you a process for exactly how to do it.

When you need to make a new boundary

This one can be a lot more subtle to spot. How do you know when a new boundary is needed?

One of the big giveaways that it’s time to take a closer look at the boundaries in your life is anger.

Perhaps a colleague keeps handing over tasks that you really don’t enjoy doing, or your partner’s expecting you to pick up the slack when they get lost in a new project.

If you’re finding yourself losing your temper, or noticing feelings of resentment or frustration bubbling up, it’s probably time to look at your boundaries again.

When your boundary clashes with someone else’s

One of the trickiest situations we have to deal with is one where our boundaries clash with someone else’s. So you come across a colleague who’s been working on their assertiveness, but it seems as though you’re expected to deal with the fallout of the tasks they’ll no longer tolerate.

Or maybe your Mum has a strict boundary around Christmas being just for family. Your friend’s going through a really rough patch, and you know you don’t want her to spend the day alone.

Could be your boss, your kids, or your parents – realizing that your boundary contradicts or infringes on theirs is always complicated.

So how do we deal with situations when our boundaries just don’t seem to work?

Is it selfish to have boundaries?

Now, for a lot of us – especially when we’re fairly new to setting boundaries – it can be tempting to wonder if the energy it takes to maintain them really worth it.

It could be a big one: You’ve told your partner that you can’t be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much they’re not in control any more.

Or something minor, but still important: You can’t drop everything, yet again, because your sister’s too disorganised to finish work on time.

From awkward conversations to tough decisions like leaving a job or relationship, upholding a boundary can feel like more trouble than it’s worth. After all, you’re a nice person – you hate letting people down – and the last thing you want to do is introduce conflict.

Are boundaries selfish?

Let’s return to Brené Brown, whose groundbreaking work on vulnerability has changed the way many of us relate to boundaries. She says

“One of the most shocking findings of my work was the idea that the most compassionate people I have interviewed over the last 13 years were also the absolutely most boundaried…

What I think that [a lot of us] do is that we don’t set boundaries.

We let people do things that are not okay or get away with behaviours that are not okay and then we are just resentful and hateful.

Me? I’d rather be loving and generous and very straightforward with what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

So, far from being selfish, setting clear boundaries is an act of great compassion. It means the people in our lives know where they stand. And it allows us to cultivate healthy, balanced relationships rather than simmering with suppressed rage at what we’re having to put up with.

And if it feels hard, remind yourself of this: you only need 10 seconds of courage to set the principles that will save you huge amounts of resentment, conflict and energy in the long term. I’ve learned it’s far better to cope with that little bit of awkwardness than the huge heap of resentment that builds up when you agree to things you don’t want to do.

Big decisions around boundaries can be hard. But the truth is, you only have one life. Is it worth spending it locked in a job, relationship or situation that’s causing you huge stress and resentment, simply to make things easier for the other person?

How to handle a boundary that’s not working

Here’s a 3 step process you can use when a boundary isn’t working.

But first, something really important to note: Don’t wait to be at a time when your boundaries are being crossed to have this conversation.

Instead, give some thought to what’s going on. What’s the boundary you want to create, re-instate, or uphold? Find a time to talk about this outside of the situation.

So if your team member’s perpetually late, don’t wait til they’re sidling guiltily into their seat (and you’re boiling with rage). Choose a time when you can be proactive about the situation before it flares up.

1. Acknowledge the past

If this boundary is one that you’ve let slide before – or perhaps not even been aware of – it’s really important to make it clear that this is changing.

So, start by acknowledging how things have been.

“I know I’ve been working later than I’m supposed to these past few months”

Or

“In the past I’ve stepped in to do the school pickup when you’re running late”

Stay factual, rather than using emotive language. This conversation is one that requires you to be in a calm, clear place, and you want the other person to feel receptive and ready to listen – not to be instantly on the defensive.

3. Set your boundary

This is your chance to get really clear – remembering that defining this is ultimately the most compassionate thing you can do.

Most importantly?

Don’t fall into justifying, explaining or rationalizing your decision.

This isn’t a debate or a discussion – it’s you simply stating what’s true for you.

“I’m not going to be able to do that any more.”

“I’m no longer willing to take that responsibility”

3. Collaborate together

If you’re finding your boundary clashes with someone else’s – and that person is someone who’s important to you – then this will be a vital part of finding your new way forward.

How can you find a way that meets the other person’s needs and still respects your boundary?

What do you both need to be in place to feel good about the situation?

This is why it’s so important that this conversation takes place when you’re not feeling triggered or fired up. When you’re calm and collected, you’ll be in a much more resourceful place when it comes to finding a solution that works for everyone.

Are boundaries a challenge?

If boundaries are something you find tricky to navigate, take a look at our free guide, when we explore this and other boundary conversations and principles in a lot more depth.

It’s called Enough is Enough: How to Gracefully Set Unshakeable Boundaries… and it does what it says on the tin!

Click here to download your copy.

How about you?

Are you the Queen of unshakeable boundaries? Have you got a particularly sticky boundaries conundrum going on right now, that you’d love to get someone else’s take on? Share in the comments below – someone else might have just the words of wisdom you need.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to handle Imposter Syndrome

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I was in the boarding lounge at Heathrow Airport, in tears.

(Not one of my proudest moments, I have to say)

I was crying because I was about to do something amazing. It was my first trip to work with Ali Brown, someone who I had followed and looked up to for years and years and years in my industry, and I was getting on a plane to head over to her very first Repower event in Phoenix, Arizona.

So I did what I always do in times like this – I called my sister.

“Sis, I’m freaking out. I feel like a total fraud. I’m heading over to this event and it is going to be full of highly successful women. You have to be doing seven figures even to be in the room.

I don’t even know how I’m going to cope. I’m going to feel like I just don’t fit in. I’m not supposed to be here. I feel like such a fraud.

I’ve just got this baby business that’s a total fluke, and I’m doing this ditzy personal development thing, and what the hell?”

Even thinking about it now I can still feel that feeling. Maybe you can relate? Have you ever found yourself feeling as though, however far you’ve come in life or whatever you’ve achieved, one day you’re going to be “found out” for not having a clue what you’re doing and being a complete fraud?

Welcome to imposter syndrome

For high achieving and successful women, impostor syndrome is incredibly common. And we’re in good company! I was amazed to read what Jodie Foster told one interviewer about her experience of winning an Academy Award for best actor. Now that’s an accolade you’d think would feel like pretty concrete proof you’d arrived, right? Wrong.

“I thought it was a fluke,” she said. “I thought everyone would find out and they’d take the Oscar back. That they’d come to my house knocking on the door, ‘Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else. That was going to Meryl Streep.'”

Or how about Maya Angelou, a writer who I’ve looked up to my entire life as an incredible fount of wisdom and knowledge and extraordinary insight. She’s been quoted as saying,

“I’ve written 11 books but each time I think, uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.”

So if you ever achieve great success and try and write it off as luck or being at the right place at the right time or undeserved, then you’re in really great company.

What is imposter syndrome?

What we’re talking about is that feeling of being a fraud, or being a fake, when actually you’re not. Like sooner or later the whole world is going to find you out. Now that might make sense if you really were ripping people off, or pretending in some way. If you’re an undercover cop, you probably would feel fake from time to time.

But if you are a successful small business owner doing six or seven figures and people love your work… or if you keep getting promoted and praised in your role in an organization, then it’s probably not appropriate to feel like an imposter.

The bottom line is, if you’re really good at whatever you’re doing, then it’s okay for people to believe in you. It doesn’t matter what the thing is – if you’re good at it, it doesn’t make sense to feel like an imposter. So why do we?

The phenomenon was first described by psychologists Suzanne Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s. And they described it as occurring among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept their success.

These high achievers will often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others are eventually going to unmask them as a fraud.

Imposter syndrome holds us back

This feeling that we’re going to be found out stops us stepping into our greatness.

I’ve spoken to successful corporate employees, women who are doing very, very well in high positions inside of their organization who don’t put themselves forward for promotion because they feel like they’re actually not even supposed to be where they already are.

Someone told me she was writing her LinkedIn profile the other day, and she didn’t want to put X, Y and Z into it because she didn’t want to come across like some egomaniac.

We don’t position ourselves powerfully to be able to be of service to the people that we can make a real difference with… because we don’t want to sound like egomaniacs?

That’s imposter syndrome. It stops us from really owning, promoting and putting ourselves forward. Not in a way which says, “Look at how great I am.” But in a way that says, “Look these are my achievements. This is what I have done. And I can help you.”

How to handle imposter syndrome

  1. Reach out

Having someone you can talk to when Imposter Syndrome strikes is something that I highly recommend. I’ve got my sister, who I can always count on. Back in that airport lounge at Heathrow, when I called her in tears before my trip to meet Ali Brown, she gave it to me straight:

“You own your success, woman. You go over there and you’re not just networking for you, you’re networking for our whole business and for all of those women in the developing world that we help out. You get out there, you own your success and you go for it.”

I rely on loads of other people too – my husband, my team, my fellow coaches. These days I’m consciously leaning into collaboration and working with others, because if I’m feeling not good enough then they will remind me.

Who could you turn to when you need an outside perspective on how you’re doing?

  1.  Read over your bio

If you’re an entrepreneur you might have a bio you share; if you’re employed, it might be a CV. Either way, looking at how you present the facts of what you’ve achieved to others is a great way to remind yourself of just how great you really are. (If you’re a mum, there’s always asking your kids – it might not be the specific insight you’re looking for, but they definitely think you’re pretty awesome!).

  1. Keep an “I rock” file

My friend Kim taught me this – she keeps a file of all of the clippings and little thank you cards and everything that anyone’s ever given her that has her feel really great. You could keep a special folder in your emails for the notes that really make your day, or pin thank you cards above your desk so you can see them whenever self-doubt kicks in.

  1. Go deeper

At a deeper level you do have to accept that you have had some role in your success. You may well have had an opportunity that others weren’t given but you need to accept that you were instrumental in being ready for that opportunity.

It’s not fair, if you had an advantage over others, sure. Life isn’t fair. But you had to do something to get where you are, and you need to own that. So spend some time accepting that success that you’ve had.

  1. It’s not about you

The final thing that really helps me is shifting from “me” focus to “other” focus. When my sister asks me to refocus on the women in the developing world that we’ve supported through the Hunger Project, it’s much easier for me to recognise, “Yeah, I did help those women to create something they would not have otherwise been able to create. I do make a difference.”

So focusing on the value that you provide and the difference you make to others really, really helps.

Time to get real

What opportunities are you not stepping into because of the fear of being found out?

It might be in your relationship. It might be as a mother. It might be in your business. It might be in your job. Whatever it is, identify it, and reframe it for yourself.

How are you stopping being of service for others by holding yourself back in this way?

Share in the comments below!

And remember – Kate Winslet feels it every time she goes on set. Jodie Foster feels it when she receives her awards. Maya Angelou feels it every time she writes a new book. You’re in great company. You’re one of many women who feels this impostor syndrome and hey, that’s a great club to be a part of, but it doesn’t stop them – so don’t let it stop you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Criticism or judgement? What to do when feedback hurts

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

As women leaders, we can’t control all the criticism or judgment that we’re going to receive from others.

It doesn’t matter how big or small your vision is. The very nature of declaring that you stand for something, or that you’re making any kind of change, opens us up to feedback from others.

Whether you’re changing the world, your family life, or your personal health habits, there’ll be someone who wants to give you their opinion on exactly what you’re doing and why it’s time to rethink it. Sometimes we can laugh it off – some random person on Twitter thinks I need to take a different vitamin supplement? Fine.

But sometimes, it hurts. When you tell your kids you’re thinking of signing up for a new course and they laugh at you: “Mum! You’re too old!”

When you share your brilliant new strategy with a colleague you love and straight away they pick holes in it.

Or when you tell your mum about the bold decision you’re taking to become a coach, and she refers to it snidely as “your new phase for the next five years”.

The truth is, we can’t stop it. We can’t make people in the world nicer. (At least, not all of the time.)

And the bigger your vision, and the more people find out about it, the more likely all sorts of otherpeople are going to find out about it. Guess how many of them will have an opinion to share?

But if we can’t change them, or make them nicer, or more loving, or tell them that they have to give us feedback sandwiches, there is one thing we can do.

We can learn to comfort our inner selves

We can learn to parent ourselves, so that when we receive negative feedback, we are more resilient, and we are more loving.

And ultimately, we can learn to make sure that criticism doesn’t stop us from moving on our vision. To use it as an opportunity to learn, and to implement a better or more useful way for achieving the vision, that doesn’t stop us in our tracks.

Know where criticism or judgment comes from

I know firsthand how important it is to find ways of dealing with criticism. In the past I’ve had a lot of ideas for projects. But one word from my husband – which he might not even have meant as a criticism – and I would take it very personally, and shut down the whole idea before it got started.

Eventually, I really tuned into the fact that I was letting this happen. And at that point, I thought about who Greg is. Now I know that his particular energy involves saying “no”. (If you’re aware of the wealth dynamics profile, he’s a Lord). It’s just how he tests and gives input to ideas. He’s a hole-picker by nature. But the thing about that “no” is, it’s not personal. It doesn’t mean “no” to the entire vision. It’s just a challenge, and if he’s challenging my vision it actually means that he’s interested in it and making it the best it can be.

Once I got that, I quickly realized: okay, this is good, but I can’t change him. I can’t change how he is going to respond when I bring an idea. All I can change is my own resilience level.

I can shift things so that I’m more robust, and resilient when I go in with an idea, knowing that he will probably respond with the “no” initially because he filters every new thing through “how can this be better?”

So how do I do that? And how can you do it too?

Start with self love

At the baseline of all of our resilience and strength is self-love. So, start by considering your ongoing habits of self-love; recognition of your body, mind, and spirit, and the beautiful being that you are, and nurturing and nourishing that.

In our BeLove retreat we delve into habits to support you with that self-love in much greater detail. You could think about things like journaling, spontaneous moments of luxury, and gratitude. Feeling thankful for what is, and what you have, and who you are. All of these self-loving actions that you do, that have you feeling better and better about yourself over time are really, really crucial when it comes to handling criticism.

It’s that self-love that builds up your resilience, your confidence, and your self-esteem, so that you feel you can open up, and be vulnerable, and stand behind your vision. It’s like a muscle that you build over time – an exercise.

Self-love is the foundation that allows you to deal with criticism from a place of strength. And with that in place, here’s how to handle it when it arrives.

How to deal with criticism

So from time to time you’re going to receive some criticism. It might be out of the blue, or it might be that you have a great idea, and you share it with someone else and they tell you “It’s a terrible idea. It would never work because of this,” or “No. We can’t do that,” or “Who on earth are you to think that you could change the world like that?” Or “You idiot, you think having a green smoothie is going to help you lose weight. What a stupid idea!”

Whatever it might be, you will get criticized.

Here are 6 steps to take when you receive it

  1. Be prepared to listen

If you’re actively going into a situation where you’re declaring a vision to someone, whether it be at your team, your spouse, to the world, on Facebook… Know that you are about to become vulnerable, and don’t let your shame stop you from sharing something you feel called to share. Just go there and do it. And if you receive criticism, be ready to hear it the whole way through. You might read something on Facebook, or Twitter, or it might come straight back to you from your spouse. Be clear that you will hear it the whole way through.

  1. Take time out

Once you’ve heard the criticism all the way through, it’s time for you privately. If you’re in a conversation, don’t get into an argument or start justifying or disputing their points. Just say, “Thank You.” Take yourself away, and it’s time to enter your processing time.

Grab your journal, your pen and paper, and write down what bothered you about the feedback you’ve received. What’s activating you? Which are the parts that really made a big difference? Or were really yucky? What triggered you?

And then ask yourself the next question, which is: what could be helpful? Is there anything useful in this criticism?

If the answer is no – just let it go.  Sometimes it’s just so obvious it’s someone else’s stuff, or is irrelevant to you. Social media “brain farts”, as my husband calls them, don’t really need much more processing than that.

But if you sense there is something more for you there…

  1. Activate self love

At this stage, it’s really important to implement the criticism antidote – and that is self-love.

Straight away, go draw a bath with lots of essential oils, and enjoy it. Or go out for a walk, or give yourself a delicious little hand massage, or read some lovely success stories or testimonials that clients have sent you, or something that makes you feel good about you. Do something that nurtures you, and is very self-loving.

  1. Dig deeper

Then with that self-love in place you can come back to the criticism, and ask yourself: is this reminding me of anything from the past? Is this actually not about this criticism? Is it triggering something from the past? And if it is, then think about how you can release it. (We have a great audio recording to help you release limiting emotions available to all our BeOne community members – you can sign up here to receive yours).

  1. Write the letter

This is my favorite antidote to criticism, which I use quite a bit – I learnt this from Julia Cameron, in her great book the Artist’s Way. She says: write the letter. Now this is not a letter you’re ever going to send! It’s a letter to the person who is putting you down, or said the thing that hurt, and what’s important is to write it as if you were six years old. Use six year old language.

You’re just so mean. I can’t believe you said that. Didn’t you have your weetabix for breakfast? You’re a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Lalalala.

Whatever it is, right? Just get it all out, in a vindicating letter from your younger self. I really, really love doing this one, and I think you might find it helpful too. Because it allows your young self to be heard, and to be voiced.

(And for the love of God, don’t ever send the letter, right? Don’t ever, ever send that letter!)

  1. Get back in the ring

Once you’ve done that, you put it to the side, and get right back out there and into the vulnerability again.

Because you’ve got to get out there. You’ve got to keep stepping up. Go back, and finish the conversation. If it was with your spouse, share what you learned about yourself from their feedback. If it was on Twitter or Facebook, you don’t need to respond to the negative criticism at all. You can just get back out there, and put another post out about what you’re up to in the world, and your vision, whatever it is.

Commit to getting out there, and doing something more. Commit to doing something. Committing to your vision, and doing something in alignment with your vision, and saying “I don’t care what you say. My commitment to myself, and to my vision, and to my purpose on this planet is greater than anything you could ever say to me.”

The only real cure for shame and criticism is to keep stepping into vulnerability. Because on the other side of it, as Brené Brown says, is all the good stuff: The incredible joy, love, and self-expression, which is what life is all about. And that’s really all we want of you – is just all that you are.

How about you? Do you find it hard to take criticism? I’d love to know if this process works for you – let us know in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What’s my leadership style?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Where are you a leader in your life? At work? Running a business? Or within your family, community, or voluntary organization?

Here at One of many our mission is to create a movement of women ready to become the leaders the world needs. After all, as a planet, the model of power that’s been dominant so far just isn’t going to cut it to get us where we want to be. But what does a new way of leading look like in practice?

Our Soft Power framework is the tool we’ve developed to radically shift our approach in an incredibly effective way. It’s a new kind of leadership for the new world we want to create, and it’s so exciting to see it in action.

Today I want to share one of our Lead the Change participants, Carol’s inspiring story with you.

Stepping into Lover at NATO

One area which you might not associate with innovative feminine models of leadership is the military. But as part of NATO, Carol’s role is all about inviting different ways of thinking to this very hierarchical environment.

Last year, she had an opportunity to put it into practice.

“I was co-facilitating a set of 5 workshops at the NATO Allied Command Transformation “Chiefs of Transformation” conference.

The Chiefs of Transformation are the second most senior level in our militaries, reporting directly to the top tier Generals and Admirals who provide strategic leadership and advice to Presidents and Prime Ministers.

At the conference there were 70 senior officers representing almost 50 nations and around 300 other attendees, including lower ranking military officers, industry representatives and a few post-graduate students from Washington universities.”

Straight away, Carol saw a possibility.

“The opportunity I had was to get these very senior military commanders thinking about the value of becoming more collaborative, and ideally agreeing to develop collaborative opportunities as a result.”

The conference happened to come the week after our BeLove retreat, when our Lead the Change cohort had explored the Women’s PowerType™ of Lover in some depth. So Carol was ready to discover what a new kind of leadership could achieve.

5 PowerTypes – what’s my leadership style?

Lover is one of the 5 PowerTypes™– along with Sorceress, Warrioress, Queen and Mother – we use to model new ways of women’s leadership.

All of us are naturally drawn more to some of these PowerTypes than others. For example, you might naturally step into “Warrioress” energy when you’re in charge. As a leader, you roll up your sleeves and work alongside your team, never asking anyone to do anything you wouldn’t do yourself. Full of energy and ever-resilient, your commitment to fighting for justice and what’s right is formidable.

Or perhaps you connect more to Lover as a leader. Your team are drawn to you because of how you make them feel: special, lavished with attention, and magnetic through your innate persona.

In Carol’s words,

“My story is mainly about using Lover, alongside Queen archetype in order to achieve buy-in and collaboration among senior military leaders across NATO, and other allied nations, to become more diverse in their thinking and collaborative in their style of command.”

Carol’s story

“During the conference set-up, it was immediately noticeable how radically different our workshop set-up was to that of the other 4 nations leading workshops.

We had no top table for the senior commanders, instead spreading them out around our large circle (we had about 70 attendees in each workshop, differing on each occasion).

On the first day of the conference I took conscious steps to step into both Queen and Lover PowerTypes, listening to key songs that really help me embody them.

At the start of each session I had a 5-minute introductory brief, which I delivered using every ounce of Queen PowerType I could muster – serenely and at what felt like an incredibly slow pace to allow for the majority of participants who would be working with English as a second language.

Then I joined my colleague who was leading the facilitation at the central table; at which point I would switch to Lover.

In “fishbowl facilitation”, the style we had chosen to use, anyone who wishes to speak has to step up from the outer circle to join one of the couple of chairs where the conversation happens in the centre of the room.

In a military hierarchy it is a massive challenge for officers to speak their opinion in front of those many ranks senior to them.

My role was to invite people to feel confident enough to come up and speak, then ensure they felt heard and valued when they did.

Although the first workshop worked, and many thanked us afterwards – we learned a few lessons: in particular to wait out silences, and at times to use the two officers we had supporting us to step up and speak.

After that we got people stepping up and joining the discussion much more smoothly: students in their mid-twenties providing responses to questions put forward by senior military commanders; having a non-commissioned officer speaking up for the experience of other ranks; and eventually getting some female voices (other than mine) heard. Women were outnumbered about 15 to 1!

The point I knew I was definitely leading from Lover was when a French General walked past an empty chair at the table saying, “I am Frrrench, I vill sit next to ze lady.”

I had already noticed a tendency for people to sit next to me, walking past the other chair when it was empty.

Prior to my One of many trainings I would have felt nervous getting that attention, but with the balance of Queen and Lover I felt totally safe, and understood I was achieving the leadership that was required in that moment.

After each session my co-facilitator and I had a lot of people (including those who hadn’t spoken) thanking us for a good workshop, sharing ideas and giving us their business cards. I became very good at gracefully excusing myself so I got a few minutes downtime between each session!”

The outcomes:

  • 17 Nations, 3 different organisations within NATO and an international research alliance all expressed interest in collaborating to develop capabilities to make military command more collaborative.
  • The buzz around the conference was that the UK workshops were the best. The report from the UK’s Chief of Transformation to three of the most senior officers in the UK military was glowing. This and the level of interest from other nations is being used to try and secure significant additional funding to enhance our capability in this area.
  • Our team learned a lot about overcoming this discomfort of leading in such an unusual and unfamiliar way – I’m pulling this experience back in to enhance my research and exploitation of the challenging ideas it presents to UK military.

Bringing different leadership styles into your life

Carol’s story shows just how powerful this work can be. We really are changing the world, and having an impact that will ripple out into all kinds of realms.

But you don’t have to be a leader at NATO to use these tools.

If you’re curious about your leadership style, and how to bring more of the different PowerTypes into your life, you might want to take a look at our free bundle of resources.

As part of Life’s Little Toolkit you can download a guide exploring each of the PowerTypes, along with a playlist of music that can help you bring them to life. Click here to access your Toolkit now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What self love is not

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The concepts of “self love” and “self care” get talked about a lot in personal development circles. You might catch yourself thinking that you really should be doing more to take care of yourself, or show yourself love. (Feeling like a failure about your lack of kindness to yourself kind of defeats the point, don’t you think?). At One of many we have a very clear take on self love, and how it fits into our lives, so today I thought I’d break down 3 important distinctions to make when we talk about self love – and what self love is not.

Self love is not selfish

It’s a common assumption that loving yourself is a selfish or narcissistic tendency, when the opposite is true. Being able to accept yourself for who you are – imperfections included – is a really important step in becoming someone who’s able to be generous and forgiving of others.

The fact is, constantly feeling inadequate, or experiencing feelings of shame, doesn’t just affect you. Getting caught up in insecurity takes your energy and focus away from the things you’re here to do – whether it’s making a difference with your career, your family or your community.

Learning how to love yourself might in fact be one of the most generous things you can do.

Self love is not something you have to do alone

A bubble bath, a good book… our stereotypical images of self love often involve us being alone, and for good reason. Time to ourselves is a precious commodity in this hyper-connected world.

But learning to love yourself can be something that’s far easier to do in a group of likeminded others – people who can really appreciate your special qualities, and reflect them back to you.

On our retreats, and in the training we lead for coaches, many women experience for the first time what it’s like to be seen and truly appreciated. Even within the lively community of our Facebook Group it’s remarkable how much lifting up there is of one another; how much appreciation for all the hundreds of tiny unseen acts of courage we show in our daily lives.

If you’ve been trying to find a way to love yourself in isolation, maybe it’s time to connect with a safe community of women who can help show you what you’re missing – the things others notice that you might never have stopped to appreciate.

Self love is not a luxury

When you need comfort, reassurance, or just some time to rest up after a setback or a blow to your confidence, it’s really important to be aware of how you can best take care of yourself. That doesn’t have to mean having a full-on spa experience when things are going well and you’re feeling sky high. (Though that sounds lovely – sign me up!)

It’s also about noticing when you could do with a bit more rest, and choosing to have an early night. It might mean standing up for yourself when it comes to your demanding boss or needy friend, setting clear boundaries, and claiming some space for yourself.

Self love can be choosing to get up and have a glass of water when you need a break; making sure your kitchen’s stocked with nourishing food when you know you’ve got a busy few weeks coming up, or spending time with a friend who lights you up.

The Women’s PowerTypes™ perspective

At One of many, we use the Women’s PowerTypes™ as a tool to help us understand where we need to grow, and as tools to help guide our expansion. We each have a unique “profile” reflecting the PowerTypes we most easily embody, as well as those we find more challenging to step into.

These 5 powerful PowerTypes help us to show up fully as ourselves, whatever the situation, as well as showing us where we might want to focus our attention to see the biggest results when it comes to making change.

Each of the PowerTypes™: Warrioress, Sorceress, Mother, Lover and Queen – contains aspects of self love. Whether it’s honouring our playful nature, trusting in the mystery of the universe, or knowing we have the capacity to make great decisions, loving yourself starts by knowing that you are able to step into your power whatever the circumstances.

The two PowerTypes™ most relevant to self love are Lover and Mother.

When we’re in Mother, we are infinitely empathetic and compassionate. At our best, these qualities allow us to nurture ourselves as we do everyone else in our orbit. But when this aspect of our personalities is over-expressed, we can tip into the martyr, neglecting our own wellbeing to support others.

This is where the PowerTypes of the Lover comes in. Sensual and pleasure-seeking, she reminds us to honour our physical needs and delight in the world of the senses.

To find out more about the PowerTypes™, download our free guide to the Women’s PowerTypes™ – it’s part of Life’s Little Toolkit, our secret weapon of 5 free resources to help you through whatever life throws at you.

Click here to download it now.

And share your take on self love in the comments – how do you take good care of yourself in your day to day, and what tips would you give any woman who’s finding it a challenge?

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to say no politely

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you wear lots of different hats in the course of your life, you know how valuable it is to know how to say no politely.

It’s one thing to say no to things you don’t want to do. But finite time and energy also means turning down requests for things we’d love to do from people we’d love to help.

So, how to say no politely without sacrificing our relationships or letting people down?

In this episode of Jo & Co, I’m breaking down the really simple template I use when I need to turn down an opportunity that doesn’t fit in with my priorities.

I deliberately designed this to be really simple because these kinds of challenges come around so often, and when you want to be helpful it’s incredibly tempting to say yes. I wanted a quick little framework I could whip out every time, and I hope you find it helpful when it comes to honouring your time without letting other people down.

3 steps to a healthy “no”

In the video I share:

  • What you need to be clear about BEFORE you get the ask
  • The crucial distinction that allows you to say no without offending, letting people down, or hurting their feelings
  • My 3-step process that leaves the other person feeling you’ve helped them without compromising your priorities

The most effective people in life are the ones who are able to gracefully say no to everything that takes them away from their values.

Saying “I’m just too busy” won’t cut it – it implies that we’re frantic, stressed and short on time. It also suggests we’re so bad at prioritising we can’t actually make space for something we’d be interested in – what a mixed message! It can really leave the other person confused about where they stand.

Using this framework allows us to say no at the same time as building relationships and supporting those around us. That’s crucial if we’re to have our biggest impact, and it’s something we can absolutely help each other learn and practice. So, when you’ve watched the video, I’d love to know what you’re going to say no to! Let’s encourage and support each other in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The Soft Power Revolution

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Last week saw us hosting our inaugural One of many™ Women’s Coach Training. It was truly a phenomenal week of transformation.

I have to say I am both thrilled and relieved to have accomplished this training at 37 weeks pregnant! And it struck me as a time of giving birth to two babies at the moment. Our own little Pumpkin, who has been upgraded from Peanut in the last month (can you see why from the picture?) and our One of many baby is also ready to be taken out further into the world.

This first coaching cohort are really fired up to share what they’ve been learning about Soft Power with other women and the world. But what is this thing called Soft Power? Where does it come from? Why do we use the term and what does it mean?

The state of women: bad news

According to UK statistics:

  • 29% of us are going to be treated for a mental health condition in our life compared to 17% of men
  • One in four of us are going to be diagnosed with depression compared with one in ten men1
  • We’re twice as likely to suffer with anxiety2
  • We’re 60% more likely to suffer job stress and burnout than men
  • 42% of our marriages are ending in divorce3
  • 40% of us are going to have cancer at some time in our life4
  • A sixth of couples have difficulty conceiving
  • The gender pay gap, at time of writing, is the highest that it’s been in 20 years5
  • We are less happy as a gender than we were 40 years ago6

Indeed, since 1972 more than 6 different studies of millions of people around the world have shown that women’s overall level of happiness has dropped both relative to where they were 40 years ago, and relative to men. Now, this is regardless of whether they have kids, how many kids they have, how much money they make, how healthy they are, what job they hold, whether they’re married, single, divorced, how old they are or what race they are. With the slight exception of African-American women who are slightly happier than they were 40 years ago, but still less happy than their men.

So, we’re getting less happy, even though we find ourselves at a time when we have more access to opportunity and more access to power than we’ve ever had.

So, how does a woman who wants to step up and make her highest contribution in the world and step up to leadership do that in a way which still allows her to be happy and healthy?

The state of women: good news

The good news for we women is that we’ve got amazing opportunities right now.

  • 80% of the newly self-employed since 2008 are women7
  • According to CNN women are the largest economic force in the world – not China or India
  • There’s a huge calling for more women on boards, in parliament, in leadership8
  • The Dalai Lama even said “the world will be saved by the Western woman”9

So, on one hand there’s a calling for us to step up and lead.  Many of us feel in our hearts that that’s the path and our contribution that we need to make. But on the other hand, we’re burning out, we’re sick, we’re infertile and we’re unhappy. What’s the problem here?

The One of many™ hypothesis

We propose that the power that it took to get us where we are, to create amazing opportunities, to compete and be taken seriously as a force in the world; is not the kind of power that is going to be able to sustain us here.

We need a new kind of power to be the woman that the world needs us to be.

Understanding Women’s Power

Stereotypically, there’s two kind of types of power that we’re most aware of right now.

One is, the bossy woman; she wears the trousers, the dominating, effectively very masculine Superwoman. But, she gets some stuff done.

The other powerful kind of woman that we recognise with is the woman who use sex as power. Think of our pop stars and our movie stars using that kind of sexy power.

They’re the two types of power that we tend to see most commonly in women trying to be “powerful”. And that’s because of the cultural paradigm that we live in. They’re the only two types of power that we’ve really given any credit to and, unfortunately, we’re playing with two keys on the piano, neither of which are particularly useful. But we’re in a masculine paradigm.

There is enlightening research by Hofstede’s into the relative masculinity of different cultures.  Highly masculine cultures display a preference in society for achievement, heroism, assertiveness and material rewards for success. Society at large is more competitive. Its opposite, femininity, stands for a preference for cooperation, modesty, caring for the weak and quality of life. Society at large is more consensus-oriented. In the business context Masculinity versus Femininity is sometimes also related to as “tough versus tender” cultures.10 This can lead to women acting like Superwomen to juggle all they have to do. Sound familiar?

What paradigm did you grow up in? Has it been more masculine or has it been more feminine?

Note also that the workplace itself though, is also another masculine paradigm. The domain of commerce and economics, since its inception many thousands of years ago, has been predominately dominated by men. It’s only really been very recently that we’ve seen anywhere near equality in representation inside of commerce. And there are some industries where it is still nowhere near equal. Especially in upper level management and board level, where we’re seeing still nowhere near equality of representation.

So, many of us live in countries that are embedded in a masculine paradigm. Then, we’re operating, as professional women in workplaces with unconscious bias towards the masculine. And then, many of us have individual experiences growing up that program us even further, to take on the masculine Superwoman archetype.

What’s the solution?

Our suggestion here at One of many™ is that instead of operating, always, in this masculine way we need to step into a different kind of power.

And we call that Soft Power. It’s no less powerful than masculine power. It’s just different.

Let’s define soft: “agreeable, calm, gentle, yielding”.

Now watch your response to this.  Note that any master of martial arts, will know that the greatest way to get power from your opponent is to absorb the impact of their attack and turn that energy back against them. So, being yielding is sometimes a really powerful thing to do; not always fight, fight, fight.

Power: etymology: the middle English, which is “to be able.”

It’s not about dominion over, it’s just about an ability to do anything.

How do we, as women, start to be more able using a different kind of power?

We find central to it is the collaboration of many and not just the pursuit of one.

Let’s look at another example so that you understand this.  If you were to buy a hairdryer in the USA, it is designed to use the voltage 110 volts. Your US hairdryer works perfectly efficiently on 110V.

If you were to take that hair dryer to the UK where the voltage coming out of the wall is 230 volts and plug it in you would short it out. However, if you were to plug in a British hair dryer into the sockets in the UK, it works with perfect efficiency.

What’s the difference? Is 230 V better than 110 V?

Is 110 V better than 230 V?

I don’t know and frankly it doesn’t really matter.

In just the same way, masculine energy isn’t better than feminine energy, what we would call Soft Power. And feminine is not better than masculine. It’s simply a question of what’s the right energy, the right voltage for your machinery.

Our bodies are designed to utilise more feminine energy than the average Western woman runs through her. We have breasts, a uterus, a different hormonal make up.  Our biology is different to men. Men look different to women, they have a different biological make up.

Does biology impact psychology?  Probably, but that’s not the point. What is relevant is that there are very many women burning out because we’re plugged into the wrong voltage.

If you’re living in masculine energy, with aggression, drive, that adrenaline fueled way of being will soon burn you out. Your marriage isn’t going to last long, your relationships are not going to last long and your health is not going to last long because your machinery is not designed to operate on that voltage.

So, what we invite you to explore- and that’s all we ask- is the possibility that there is a power that is more suited for you.

And it’s not about one or the other. Masculine or feminine all the time.

It’s about harmony.

Most of us ignore the feminine though because we think it is weak.

What are your thoughts when I use the word “feminine”? Let me know in the comments below.

At One of many™ we work with 5 Women’s PowerTypes™, all feminine, all strong:

  • Warrioress
  • Lover
  • Mother
  • Queen
  • Sorceress

What if we were to come from this place of Soft Power? What if we were able flow between masculine and feminine energy as required?

Sometimes you need nothing but a good bit of masculine energy to push through and churn out that project that needs completing by Friday afternoon. But, then you want to be able to go into your Soft Power when you get home to be with your family and your spouse because they’re not going to want to hang out with somebody who’s still pushing through and in overdrive.

It’s about harmony.

So, for many of us, we need to swing the pendulum back the other way. We need to learn to trust what we call our Soft Power. We need to re-discover the power in our softness and that is the journey that we’re all on here together.

If this blog resonates with you and you’d like to discover how you can use cutting edge, proven tools and techniques designed for the unique personal and professional growth of women then click here to find out more about our Coaching Certification.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

References:

  1. National Institute For Clinical Excellence, 2003
  2. The Office for National Statistics Psychiatric Morbidity report, 2001
  3. http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20160105160709/http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/vsob1/divorces-in-england-and-wales/2011/sty-what-percentage-of-marriages-end-in-divorce.html
  4. http://www.cancerresearchuk.org
  5. Research by the Institute for Fiscal Studies. https://www.ft.com/content/94e2e7b8-6874-11e6-ae5b-a7cc5dd5a28c
  6. The Paradox of declining female happiness by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers 2009 http://www.nber.org/papers/w14969.pdf
  7. http://www.prowess.org.uk/facts
  8. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/mar/05/not-enough-women-highest-levels-leadership
  9. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suojNzKZ8ew
  10. https://geert-hofstede.com/national-culture.html
post

How to change the world without sacrificing your happiness

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I’m sure you’ve come across or known at least one person who had great intentions to change the world for the better … but they were so caught up in their principles that they came across as off-putting.

And as someone who also wants to change the world, even if you’d never admit it, it kind of makes you think,

“I want to change the world … but I don’t want to become someone like that!”

Let’s get this clear right from the start: you do not have to become a raging fanatic to change the world. (In fact, you probably won’t get very far if you do).

But you won’t be “normal”.

What’s normal anyway?

Larry Smith, an economist, has a fantastic TED talk in which he tells an auditorium of students why they will fail to have a great career. There are lots of reasons, but a large part of it comes down to choosing to be “normal”.

“Normal” is to work your job, take your wage, love your family, enjoying a hobby or two, and do pretty much nothing else. And if you’re reading this blog and thinking about changing the world, I can guess that “normal” isn’t enough for you.

But equally, you don’t have to take a vow of poverty, become obsessive, or go around badgering everyone who isn’t working as hard as you to change the world.

It is completely possible to change the world and live a good, happy life yourself.

I think a lot of us have been taught this idea that if we really want to change the world, we need to make a huge sacrifice, do something we “should” do but actually really hate, or that we have to become consumed by it, to the exclusion of living the rest of our lives.

Don’t get me wrong — if you want to pack up, move across the world, and work for a charity then by all means do it! That’s fantastic if that’s what your calling is. But don’t feel like you can’t make an impact on the world if you don’t do that.

My two biggest pieces of advice for doing this:

1. Define your realm

OK, so what do I mean by this? By defining your realm, I mean choosing the areas that you want to make a difference in. This is key, because if you try to make an impact on everything, you’re not going to make much of an impact on anything.

Deliberately limiting your realm also keeps you from becoming burned out. I know this can be hard for a lot of people (especially women, who tend to feel like we want to take care of everything), but you’ve got to preserve your energy so that you can make the most impact on those areas you do choose to work in.

2. Focus your energy on your actions, not others.

It’s also critical that you focus your energy on yourself first! By this, I mean that you’ve got to take care of yourself (because after all, you can’t help anyone if you don’t have the energy, money, or time to live). Ultimately, the only person’s actions that you can change are your own.

So start by getting your little energy ecosystem sustainable.  Are you nurturing and nourishing yourself, as you pour your energy into your businesses or causes?

If you are super passionate but find yourself struggling with your energy levels and feeling over stretched then join me for this webinar which will show you how to find an additional 5 hours a week (minimum!) so you can do what you feel called to do.

The second element of this piece is how you go about your “world-changing”.

A lot of people tend to focus on getting other people to change, and when that doesn’t happen the way they hope it would, they either get resentful, or they get aggressive.  That’s where you get the people who go around making other people feel guilty or badgering them about their beliefs — which often leads to the exact opposite result they were hoping for!

It’s about living knowing that every tiny action you take, or inspire, could be the one that makes THE difference… and simultaneously laughing at yourself for thinking anything tiny little you could do could make ANY difference.  It’s about big ambitions, and taking yourself and others lightly.

So focus on yourself and your actions first, and set an example that’s so attractive that people want to step up.

And now for the fun bit: since you’re reading this post, it’s a good bet that you actually do want to change the world. So tell me, what are you going to do? Let’s share and support each other in the comments below!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.