One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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How to help someone who can’t make a decision

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

We’re all facing information overload these days. Trouble is, that information – whether it comes as emails, texts, tasks or questions – all to often demands action. Is it any wonder so many of us feel like we can't make a decision?

Big or small, profound or banal, our days are a series of choices. All of them take energy and time, and the longer they sit on your list the more they can start to feel that they’re sapping valuable brainpower. Yet sometimes the more pressure there is to take action, the more trapped you feel: as though you just can’t make a decision.

So knowing how to move forward when you can’t make a decision is a godsend. And this simple 4 step process is one you can share with every woman you know.

When it comes to supporting your clients, team or friends, sharing a step-by-step flow to make decisions with ease can be one of the most effective ways to make a difference.

You don’t need any expertise on what it is they’re choosing when you can help them access their inner ability to move forward. And it can make a serious difference to their effectivness.

So, without further ado, here are 4 steps to take for anyone who can’t make a decision:

4 steps to follow if you can’t make a decision

#1 Identify what’s happening

This sounds obvious, but it’s crucial. And surprisingly common to miss.

So many of us don’t recognise we’re lost in “analysis paralysis” until we’re way down the rabbithole of different options – the consequences of choosing X; the possible repercussions of Y; the strategic implications of Z.

If someone else comes to you they’ll often start by presenting you with a whole list of possibilities, or a simple cry for help: I have no idea what to do next!

Taking a moment to frame what’s happening – what decision needs to be made – is really important.

Listen to what’s being said, and clearly reflect back the decision that’s being asked.

Right. I need to decide how to respond to that client’s complaint.

So you have to choose what you’re going to be doing for Christmas, and let your family know.

Sounds to me as though it’s time to make a decision about what you want from the future of your relationship.

#2 Step back – and become the Queen

Just getting that clarity is often enough to get rid of some of the panic, and move towards taking action.

The next step is to put yourself firmly in the best possible mindset to make your choice.

Who's in charge right now? We all have many different sides to us, not all of which are helpful. See if any of these sound familiar:

  • The good girl
  • The people-pleaser
  • The high-achiever
  • The perfectionist

One of the hallmarks of “analysis paralysis” is the sensation of going round in circles, listening to the “chorus” of roles in our minds and trying desperately to make a decision by committee.

But you only need ONE wise, trusted inner voice to make a decision.

How can you connect to that voice?

At One of many we use 5 Women’s PowerTypes when it comes to resourcing our leadership from within. And top of the decision-making tree is the Queen.

Queens by their nature are responsible for making lots of decisions. But they’re also uniquely able to make those choices confidently. They’re infallible, after all – divinely appointed, unquestioned, and respected.

So, when you’re finding it challenging to move forward, take a deep breath and play with the idea of being the “Queen”. Maybe even mime donning your crown or fastening your robe – by all means, have some fun with this!

What if ANY choice you made was guaranteed to be right?

As the Queen, you can’t make a wrong decision when you act wisely and calmly. Take a moment to imagine how things would feel if you believed that to be true.

#3 What do you know in your heart?

This powerful question is the next vital step towards taking action. It might sound fluffy – especially if you’re not used to consulting your “heart” when it comes to big choices – but it’s actually the opposite.

When we try to predict the future, we get tangled up in knots. We think we’re being logical, rational and measured. But the truth is, none of us know exactly what’s going to happen. What we do is tell ourselves stories; and those stories can be incredibly persuasive.

By framing the question in this way, you allow yourself to let go of that “overthinking” brain and tap into a part of yourself that’s centred.

When you ask “what do I know in my heart” you move the focus from outcomes you can’t possible predict, to wisdom you can be sure of having.

Put it on paper, and you’re ready for step 4.

#4 Ask yourself, do I have enough information to make this decision?

The beauty of this process is that, by the time you get to this step, you’re in calm mode.

You’re trusting yourself; you’ve connected to your wise, infallible self, and you’ve noted down all that you know to be true.

The next question is a yes/no one. Do I have enough information to make this decision?

The answer might be yes. When you’ve looked at the situation through fresh eyes, you can see what needs to be done, even if it’s an action you’ve been avoiding. Note down what that action is – and do it

If no, then it’s clear why you haven’t been able to make the decision. But again, the key is to take action. Identify exactly what information you need – could be another person’s opinion, some facts or figures, or more data on the implications of a certain course – and take action straight away to get the information you need.

When you’ve made the decision

Celebrate! The relief of moving into action and no longer feeling the weight of a choice “hanging over you” cannot be underestimated.

Side effects include powering through the rest of your list, suddenly breathing more deeply than you have in weeks, and feeling able to make a whole bunch of other choices with ease. That’s the power of getting your Queen on, baby!

You’ll never know what might have happened if you’ve chosen differently. So don’t waste any time second guessing yourself. A Queen would never doubt the wisdom of her decision in the moment.

But it’s important to remember that any decision will have consequences. So you do need to pay attention to the feedback you get from your decision. If you’re walking someone else through this process, it might be helpful to prepare them for this:

"So you’ve decided what you’re going to do. Now you’ll get to see how they respond/ what happens next / how you feel about this."

And when you have that information, you can take the next appropriate action, knowing you can trust that you made the best possible decision you could to get to this place.

Do you want to help more women trust themselves to make powerful decisions?

If you’d like to practice this decision-making process in person, and learn how you can use the tool with others to create powerful results, join me for Essential Skills for Coaching Women.

It’s just one of the coaching tools I’ll be teaching in person at this live one day workshop, happening in London on 21st November or Manchester on 29th.

I’d love to see you there in person – click here to book your ticket.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Can you be independent and still have a fulfilling relationship?

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Can you be independent, strong – and have a deeply fulfilling relationship? Whether you have a partner or not right now, take a moment to consider your instinctive response to that question. It can reveal an awful lot, not only about our intimate connections but our experience in other areas of life too.

Often, when we have a sense that something’s not quite right in our relationships, we find this deep-rooted belief underlying our disconnection. It's as though at some point, we decided we had to make a choice.

Either be disempowered and meet a lovely partner, or be a single, successful, empowered woman.

It looks crazy, doesn’t it, when you put it in black and white? And yet it’s a surprisingly common and powerful block for so many of us when it comes to bringing more love into our lives.

Today I want to explore where this belief comes from, how it can impact you – and how to use that insight to transform your relationships. But first, a quick note on how this can transform even seemingly unrelated areas of your life.

Using your relationship as a lens

As with so much of our “stuff” around relationships, we can use our intimate relationships as a lens through which to open up all sorts of insight.

For many, maybe even most of us, intimate relationships are the hardest connections for us to cultivate. As we explore how to thrive in them, we can apply the lessons we learn to every type of relationship.

  • Family
  • Work
  • Connections
  • Acquaintances.

If you can sharpen the way that you’re able to communicate, give, receive and thrive in your closest relationships – the ones which often push most of our buttons – frankly, everything else becomes pretty easy.

So, even if your priority right now is a connection elsewhere in your life, try reflecting on how this belief could be impacting your situation. You might be surprised at what’s revealed.

Strength, success and the role of the feminine

So where do we get this idea that we can’t “have it all” when it comes to fulfilling relationships and independence?

If you can relate to this underlying belief, it’s not surprising. There are 3 powerful factors which can come into play when we evolve assumptions like this. Do any of them apply to you?

1. Our cultural paradigm

Many cultures treat success, no matter your gender, as a concept requiring more "masculine" values. There’s an intriguing piece of research called the Hofstede model of national culture, which categorises countries as displaying masculine or feminine traits.

The UK, the United States, Australia, Germany, New Zealand, Switzerland, Italy and China all rank highly when it comes to valuing “masculine” values – things like heroism, assertiveness, and material rewards for success. More feminine ones – collaboration, consensus, care – are given lower status.

So, when we achieve highly, it's often by cultivating our strength, independence and achievement around these “masculine” areas... whilst repressing the aspects of ourselves considered to be “weaker”.

In our relationships, by contrast, adopting a competitive, individualistic approach can block us from being able to access true connection.

Regardless of our biology, we need to be able to draw on both masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves to create the conditions for deep intimacy and love.

  • Think about areas of life you’ve achieved success in: perhaps your career, business or leadership.
  • To what extent has this been based on cultivating so-called “masculine” traits?
  • How do these traits show up in your intimate relationships, and what impact do they have?

2. Messaging around relationships

A second factor in our understanding of relationships come from the models we’re given of what relationships look like. Think about the myth of “two halves make a whole”, or that whole “I give my whole self to you” thing.

Whether it’s in movies, commercials, or pop songs, the idea of love as being an all-encompassing experience that swallows the identity of those involved is a very common one.

In archetypal terms, the “fairytale romance” draws heavily on the idea of the Princess. The Princess is subservient. Innocent. She needs rescuing, and rarely has the independence to make her own choices.

But the Princess isn’t one of the 5 Women’s PowerTypes we use as our models for female power. Instead, we talk about the Queen, alongside Lover, Warrioress, Mother and Sorceress. These role models offer us valuable alternatives when it comes to thinking about how we might show up in our relationships, without losing our innate female strength.

What ideas of love and intimacy were you “sold” as you were growing up? When you think of a fulfilling relationship, what cultural images spring to mind – films, books, songs? Looking at them objectively, how healthy are those partnerships, and would you really want to be in them?

3. Our relationship models

In any discussion of relationships, it’s really important to recognise the role your upbringing plays. We all grow up surrounded by relationships that we absorb unconsciously as our “model” of how things are.

Maybe your parents had an unequal partnership, where one made all the big decisions. You probably know these couples in life now, right? She's the Bitch and he's the Victim, or he's the Bully and she's the Victim. They wouldn't know who to be outside of those roles.

That's what happens where one disempowering archetype meets another disempowering archetype.

So how do we begin to unravel this conditioning, and develop a new way of thinking about relationships?

Soft power and relationships

Soft power is at the heart of our methodology at One of many, and it's key to discovering a very different approach to your relationships.

By “soft” we mean agreeable, calm, gentle and yielding.

And I know that you might be reading this thinking, “I don't want to be yielding to anybody!”

But creating fulfilling relationships, just as creating a fulfilling career or becoming a powerful leader, has to involve yielding on some level. Not to another person, but to life.

To the flow of what’s happening.

It’s learning to approach challenges with gentleness; to go with your natural flow and rhythm, instead of against it.

And “power” is, from its root in middle English, simply “to be able”. It’s not having power over someone else.

In this context of relationships, power is about your capacity to love. Your ability to be in a space or connection with others, no matter what, and collaboration.

Soft power isn't weak, co-dependent, or submissive. It's a place of strength and power that comes when you let go of pushing and forcing and trying to compete, and learn instead to flow through life in a gentle and subtle way.

What makes a real relationship work is one whole person taking responsibility for themselves. One whole person coming and being in relationship with one whole other person. Together, they create a third entity: the whole relationship.

Breaking the cycle comes when you step into your soft power and begin to create a new paradigm.

Find your fulfilling connection

If you’re ready to discover some practical ways to shift things in your relationships and discover the power of true connection, join me for Love and Intimacy. It’s a free online workshop happening live on Saturday 26th October at 9am London time.

Click here to get all the details and book your free spot.

I’d love it if you could gather with us live, but if you can’t make it at that time do register anyway and we’ll make sure to send you the recording.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to create change without burning out

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When it comes to creating change, collaboration is Queen. Try to do everything yourself and you’ll burnout faster than you can say “who needs weekends off anyway?” And yet, when working with others has been a painful experience in the past, it’s understandable that it can be tempting to avoid conflict and shoulder the load yourself. Today I want to share how to create change using the power of effective collaboration.

Use these 5 key points, and working together will create change far beyond anything you could achieve with that Superwoman cape on. Guaranteed.

5 Steps to effective collaboration

1. Establish trust

There are two aspects of trust to consider when working with others.

Firstly, what we call the “energetic” aspect of trust. If you’re considering whether or not to collaborate with someone, try checking in with yourself about whether you feel instinctively you can trust them. For example, you might ask:

  • Do they feel like someone you’re able to open up with and share your vision with?
  • Does this feel like the right connection?
  • Do they really care about what you’re doing?

In a situation where you don’t have a choice about who’s in the group, such as in your team at work, this aspect is worth taking time to cultivate.

As a leader, how can you encourage an environment of healthy communication, and make sure everyone is able to trust each other?

The most effective results will always come from collaboration that’s built on genuine trust.

Secondly, there’s the trust that comes from knowing someone’s able to deliver – their competence or skillset. Without this, no matter how much you feel a sense of trust, collaboration can’t be effective.

When you’re looking to build a team, whether it be for a project, in your business or elsewhere, the energetic piece matters. But it’s also important to ask, can this person do what they say they can do?

How we establish that can be by reputation. If you want to make a real difference, gathering and presenting the evidence that allows others to trust you is a really important skill to have. (It’s something we cover in a lot more detail on our BeFulfilled retreat – working out what your skills are, and how you can present them in a way that really builds trust with employers, clients and colleagues.)

Another great way to establish trust is by making a series of small agreements.

Let me give you an example: I’ve got an awesome nanny, who’s absolutely brilliant. But the first time I met her, was I going to leave my children with her overnight for a weekend? No way. Absolutely no way. Was I going to just watch her play with my children? Yes. Let me see that you can play with my children, and gradually I’ll leave them with you for a day.

The same goes for any kind of collaboration. Some of the problems we face as open-hearted woman, is we tend to go straight for a huge agreement – and then someone lets us down. And we think they’re untrustworthy. We can avoid that pitfall by trusting them to make small agreements first, so that we can gradually ease into a bigger relationship.

2. Ensure contribution

Once you have a basic level of trust, in both the energy each person’s bringing and their competency in what they’re doing, it’s time to make sure everyone’s able to contribute. Allowing each person to have their say, and actually listening to what they have to contribute.

An important part of this is recognizing that some people are more extroverted, and some people are more introverted. So it’s not just listening when someone does speak up, it’s noticing when someone isn’t speaking up.

“There’s gold in the quiet ones” is something I’ve heard said, and it’s true!

So if someone doesn’t seem to be offering much, take a second to check in with them and make sure you don’t miss out on an important contribution.

3. Track progress, and agree on process

Needless to say, creating change requires action. Some kind of momentum. Having an agreed focus or intention is really important, as is introducing accountability.

As a group, think about what tools you can use to keep track of your progress and adjust your course when you need to. Talk about what you’ll do if there’s a disagreement, or if someone makes a mistake, before that situation arises.

It’s really important to agree on your process right from the start.

That includes how you’re going to remain flexible for the realities that tend to pop up when bringing a vision to life. Not just pushing blindly on to meet a goal, but also taking shared responsibility for how you’re getting there.

  • Do you have regular times to check in with each other, and a structure for how that will work?
  • Do you have a system for recording what’s being done, and changing your focus if you need to?
  • Are different people responsible for different aspects, and do they have the capacity to manage them?

Keeping focus is vital, but it’s not the only thing to bear in mind. Which leads me onto my next point…

4. Allow space

So much of collaboration, as you’ve probably already gathered, comes down to balance. And one of the most important aspects to balance is maintaining your focus on progress, whilst making the space to allow whatever else needs to arise.

If you’ve ever been involved with a team on a high pressure project, you’ll probably remember times when something that seemed way off-topic has sparked a huge insight into where you’re at, or where you’re heading.

Sometimes it’s in moments of someone cracking a joke, that you discover this person’s really afraid right now – and it turns out, they’re not the only one having a crisis of confidence.

Or it’s when someone feels like they are allowed to speak up and get it wrong, that an offhand comment triggers something else that gets you where you need to go.

Of course there are time perspectives. There’s focus and intention. But if we plow through without the ability to let the human be there in our collaborating, we can miss so much. We don’t get to read those really important signals – how is the team coping with this situation? What are we missing? What did we not take into account at the planning stage that is asking us to take a look at now?

5. Create consensus

If you’ve ever worked in a committee-heavy environment you might be groaning when you see that word. But bear with me. When it’s approached thoughtfully, consensus can be a truly beautiful process.

Consensus isn’t the same as just going with the majority vote. If someone just gets outvoted and they’re seething about it, and they think that they’re actually really right about something– if there’s dissension – we can’t achieve true collaboration.

But, where we can get to, perhaps, is that most people think this is right… and one person’s not sure, or thinks no, but they’re okay to go with it.

In this model, where we’re coming from a place of deep trust and respect, we don’t have enemies but we have adversaries. We can still disagree, but we can be allowed.

This is important. Because otherwise it doesn’t feel good, and a hallmark of true collaboration is that it usually feels great – even when it leads you down a different path to the one you would have taken on your own.

Want to learn to lead effectively?

Our leadership programs and retreats are designed to help you ditch the “go it alone” mentality and balance powerful connection with rock solid boundaries, so you can make a real impact.

To find out more about BeFulfilled, Lead the Change or any of our other trainings or events, click here to book a call with the team.

How about you?

What’s your experience of collaborating? Have you been blown away by the power of a dream team, or hit hurdles that still make you shudder? Share your experiences, good and bad – and any tips you’ve picked up along the way – below!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to use stories to create change

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’ve ever gone to the movies and found yourself so involved with a character that it feels as though watching their journey has actually shifted something in your own life, you’ll know what I mean by the power of story. We learn, we get inspired, we transform… all from the stories we’re told, or the ones we tell ourselves. Today I want to share some of what I’ve learned about how to use stories to create change, so that you can begin to apply it in your own life and work.

Story is an extraordinarily powerful tool. We remember stories far longer than we remember any points that have ever been taught to us. So storytelling is something that I have spent a lot of time studying and learning and practicing over the years.

If you have a vision to create real change in the world, today I invite you to think about how story could play a part in that.

Why stories work

If you’ve been to one of our live events you’ll know that we always start with stories – often opening with the start of a tale, and closing it at the end. It’s one way we weave a little bit of magic into the experience, and it’s a key focus for our One of many Certified Trainers when they learn how to create extraordinary experiences for groups.

As human beings, we naturally create stories to explain our experiences. When you think about it your life is really just a series of moments. Our perception of our lives as being journeys connected by meaning – I did X, so I learned Y, and became Z – is in the narrative our minds create.

We weave a story to make meaning of what this series of events could tell us, about us and about the world and about others.

Sometimes they’re empowering stories and sometimes they’re disempowering stories.

You could be telling yourself a story right now, reading this article.

You could be telling yourself that you’re connecting with me, a woman called Jo who has something that she wanted to share with you. Maybe this is a story about sharing and sisterhood.

You might tell yourself that you’re taking a few minutes to read these ideas and to absorb some wisdom that’s going to help you grow, perhaps in ways you don’t yet know, or won’t know until you need it.

Or you could tell a remarkably different story about this moment – maybe you’re berating yourself for “wasting time”, telling yourself a story about how easily distracted you are.

It’s really just a choice you make of how you want to link these pieces of your experience together.

Using storytelling as a leader

So the first part of discovering the power of story is to be conscious that you’re always making stories and that those in your team are always making stories too.

From a leadership perspective, there’s a part of us that takes responsibility for the stories that her team are making from the events that occur.

It’s the Women’s PowerType we call Sorceress. When she’s in leadership she knows that she is accountable for the stories that her team are making. And that it is her job to make sure that whenever events happen, that she takes charge of the stories that are made.

A couple of years ago we ran a retreat where the place we were staying was completely snowed in. Actually, it was one of 3 retreats that year where we found ourselves in the midst of epic snowfalls. I’m sure there are some stories I could make about that!

By the time we came to our closing session for our Lead the Change participants on Sunday, the outlook was pretty grim. We were hearing one by one that the roads were closed, taxis weren’t running, trains had been cancelled, airports were closed…

As you can imagine, our team were faced with a big challenge.

We had lots of material to cover, for which we needed the participants to be present and receptive. But the fact is, for most of our community just taking a couple of days away from home and work is a big thing. It takes a lot of rearranging. So the prospect of being stranded for an extra night, even if it was at a perfectly comfortable hotel and spa, was a pretty distracting one.

One of my first jobs, then, was to find the narrative. Not to ignore what was happening, not to let things sink into panic, but find the possible narratives there could be and reframe them in a way that enabled us to be present and feel safe and supported.

That’s what the sorceress leader knows. She thinks “There’s a narrative here. Let’s take charge of what it is.” She’ll think through the possible stories, and take charge of the narrative that her team agree to tell themselves. From there, we can find unexpected possibility.

How do you use story?

Have you come to one of our events and experienced the power of story? Or perhaps you’ve shared your own story, and seen the effect it can have to inspire and empower others. Share your story in the comments below.

In fact, we will remember stories far longer than we remember any points that have ever been taught to us.

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Your personality type and leadership: a new perspective

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’re curious about what makes you tick there are a whole host of different tests and profiles out there, each of which can bring their own insight. The Women’s PowerTypes offer a fresh perspective, that’s designed specifically to enhance and enlighten women in leadership roles of any kind. If you’re a woman who’s interested in your personality type and leadership, then I’d love to introduce you to the 5 Women’s PowerTypes, and explain a bit more about how you can use them to guide your growth.

Personality type and leadership

We don’t believe that your personality or leadership can be reduced to a single “type”. As I explain in the video, the 5 Women’s PowerTypes are different ways of being that all of us have access to.

But you will probably find that certain PowerTypes come more naturally to you than others.

And that can have crucial implications for how you can expand and broaden your leadership capacity, without losing sight of who you are.

In this 4 minute video, I share:

  • The 5 Women’s PowerTypes, their different characteristics and typical expressions.
  • Common misconceptions about the PowerTypes, and what to bear in mind.
  • A personal example of how I’ve applied the PowerTypes to better understand my challenges as a leader – and what I do now to overcome them.

Would you like to find out more?

For many of us, one of the best places to start when it comes to understanding the PowerTypes is by getting in touch with Queen. She’s the part of you that sets clear boundaries, is clear about what she wants, and gracefully accepts the support and help she needs to bring her vision to life.

To learn how you can start to embrace your Queen PowerType, click the link below to download our free guide:

Enough is Enough: How to gracefully set unshakeable boundaries.

In it, I’ll explain how you can get in touch with Queen and start to bring more of her energy into your life. It’s a great way to begin to get to know this powerful PowerType, and pave the way for more space to discover the other ways you can lead.

How about you?

Which of the 5 PowerTypes in the video resonate most with you? Is there one you feel instinctively drawn to – or one that you find yourself judging or rejecting? I’m so curious to know your response, especially if you haven’t come across them before.

Share your reaction in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest post: 7 daily strategies to reduce overwhelm

By

Thea Jolly

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many
Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.
Thea Jolly

Latest posts by Thea Jolly (see all)

This article is by Thea Jolly, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our Lead the Change and BePowerful Programmes.

Modern life is often busy, chaotic and overwhelming. If you struggle with a tendency to take on too much or hold yourself to impossibly high standards, you might well feel overwhelmed from time to time. Many of us live in our heads too much, doubting ourselves and ruminating on the bad stuff – what we’ve got to do, what we should have done, and how we wish things were different.

How to reduce overwhelm – day by day

In my Daily Drops of Calm video series I offer simple techniques that can bring some peace, calm and perspective to our daily lives at work and at home.

Here are seven simple practices that can quickly take you from frantic and frazzled to calm and centred.

1. Start your day in Peace

When my kids were very young, mornings could be difficult. It got to the point where I’d had enough of being woken up by a loud ‘Mum!’ in my ear, or worse, being hit on the head, and starting the day off in pain, engulfed by the fear reflex or just plain grouchy.

Toddlers get up very early – but I had to come up with a better way to start my day. I made a conscious choice to change my daily routine so that I could start my day in peace.

Sometimes, I’d set the alarm for 5.30 but mostly I was able to wake at 6 and have at least a few minutes to myself before one of them came padding in. And as my husband was commuting into London everyday he made me a cup of tea before he left at 6am. I could sit in bed, sip my tea and wake up in peace.

Some days I would only have a couple of minutes, but on other blissful mornings I would get to enjoy a whole hour to myself before I had to get up. It made a massive difference to how calm and in control I felt throughout the rest of the day.

Even now, when my kids are teenagers who sleep in for hours, I love that feeling of waking early and reading, meditating or journaling, and it seems to set the tone for the coming day.

Is there room in your schedule to allow yourself to wake up more gently, and do something just for you before the rest of the day’s activities begin?

2. Press the Pause Button

Do you have days when from the moment you get up to the moment you go to bed you feel busy, busy, busy and you don’t have a moment to yourself? What often happens is you go through the day on automatic pilot, responding and reacting to what’s happening to you in unconscious, and often reactive and unhelpful ways.

It doesn’t feel good does it?

I’ve found that getting into the habit of taking just five minutes from a busy day to stop and pause really helps me.

Try this by giving yourself a few minutes with a cup of tea – preferably outside, or by a window – to press the pause button and be still.

Let your thoughts wonder lightly without getting caught up in any particular train of thought.

Let the worries go and be still in that moment.

Notice what you see and what you hear and allow yourself to step back into the present, in your senses, into yourself.

It’s like a drop of calm in a busy day and instead of taking a precious five minutes away from you, it gives you the sense of having more time, energy and control than beforehand.

3. Your thoughts are not true!

Do you go about your day believing everything you think? Do you take everything you say as the gospel truth? I used to – before I realised that thoughts are often automatic and just because they are in my head doesn’t mean they are true.

Learning to notice and label your thoughts is extremely powerful. For example, when you next notice that you are feeling stressed or upset, stop and pause. Tell yourself that what you are thinking is just a thought and it’s not true. Start questioning and standing back from your thoughts instead of taking them to be the gilt-edged truth.

When my children were younger I used to get irritated when they messed around at the table because I thought that it would inevitably lead to an argument or get out of control. When I realised that this thought was not true, it was just one of many possible interpretations, I could choose whether to listen to it or not. OK, I’m not saying it’s always easy, and it’s a practice that builds into a habit over time.

In this case, I decided to label it as my ‘messing-around-always-leads-to-arguments’ story and when it triggered me I took responsibility for that triggering.

I could choose to walk away, soothe myself with deep breathing, and sometimes even join in the silliness!

I know that when these thoughts are attached to strong emotions, they feel completely true and it’s hard to disbelieve them, but they are only one interpretation of what’s going on.

You can decide whether they are helpful or not and whether you are going to heed them.

4. Stop “Shoulding” yourself.

It’s time to eliminate the word should from your vocabulary. Many of us use it all the time, piling unhelpful pressure and guilt upon our shoulders. How often do you say: I should, I must, I have to, I need to as you go about your day?

And how does that make you feel? Do you spring into action joyfully? Probably not.

What if you used the word ‘could’ instead?

I could make those phone calls now. I could visit my mother. I could finish this document today.

Notice how much lighter this feels, and how much more likely you are to do The Thing when you are using could instead of should.

So, next time you are feeling stressed or fearful notice the words you are using. Stop shoulding yourself and start coulding yourself instead.

5. What do you need right now?

When you are rushing around, dealing with the demands of life, do you put other people’s needs before your own? At work, at home, or with your family and friends?

This drop of calm is to stop and ask the question, what does my body need right now?

Do you need more sleep, a glass of water, do you need to get outside in the fresh air?

Do you need to stand up and move away from your desk for a few minutes before getting back to work? Do you need to get an eye test? Do you need an evening on the sofa with your partner or kids to watch your favourite box set? Or do you need some alone time?

Get into the habit of asking yourself: What do I need right now? What does my body, my soul, my mind need right now? And if you listen carefully, you might be surprised by the answer.

Learning to tune into yourself and your body like this means you are able to manage your energy far more effectively. Managing our energy helps us deal with all the day to day activities and demands with more patience, resilience and balance. What’s not to like about that?

6. Experiment with Trust

Many women grow up deciding that to be safe, get stuff done and be approved of, they need to be in control of themselves, the world around them, and even other people. We become control freaks, needing to micro-manage everything to make sure that things run smoothly. This awareness of what’s going on around us, this hypervigilance to what needs doing, what we need to control is a big drain on our energy. Can you relate to this?

Furthermore, when things don’t go the way we wanted or planned, we get anxious, stressed and sometimes downright stroppy. We end up acting in reactive ways that we later regret.

Instead we could start believing that everything is going to be OK. I know this is a massive change for many of us, because our whole belief system that needs to shift. But we can start with five minutes at a time and slowly bring back a sense of trust and faith in ourselves. And ironically, this very letting go of control, gives us a different, but I would argue, more powerful sense of being in control. (You’ll have to believe me until you’ve tried it a few times!)

To experiment with trust, take a deep breath and let go of your need to be in control. Ask yourself: “What if, in the next five minutes I could trust that everything is going to be OK?”

Breathe and trust that you have the competencies, skills, courage and resources to deal with whatever comes up.

You are just one person with one of many interpretations of the best way to do something, and in reality you don’t always know best.

  • Sometimes the chaotic way children do things, brings about a more positive result (if we let them).
  • Sometimes trusting that a lastminute.com colleague really can get that task done on time without your direction will bring positive results that you hadn’t even considered.
  • Sometimes, letting go of the responsibility for everything means you can focus on what’s most important. It could be life-changing.

Go on, give it a try, and start with just five minutes a day.

7. What did you do well today?

As humans we tend to focus on the negative. It’s what has kept us safe for so long; scientists call it the negativity bias. To counter this, a good habit to get into is to take a couple of moments to really appreciate what you did well today.

Alongside all the ‘shitty stuff’ that you want to change, there are many little things, and a few very big things that you’ve done well today.

  • Have you kept your children alive?
  • Did you take time to speak to a colleague when he was upset?
  • Did you pay that bill on time?
  • Did you smile at a stranger?
  • Did you drive your children to school, or ask about their day?
  • Did you move over when you heard the police car siren?

I know life is not all gold stars and awards, but we have stopped noticing all the important daily things that we do well.

Next time you tie your shoelaces notice how fast, nimble and amazing your fingers are.

Next time you go to bed feeling like you’ve failed your children go through the day and count all the ways you’ve loved and supported them. Yes, you may have done some things or not done some things which make you feel bad, but that number will be far less than all the good stuff.

Trust me on this.

If I could visit you in your head I would be able list over 100 things you’ve done well today and there will only be about five that we could call ‘negative’. Stop focusing on the five negative ones and savour all the other things you are doing.

All these ideas take less than five minutes a day, and by experimenting with them you can find out which work best for you. With practice they could become powerful tools for a calmer, happier and more fruitful life.

Want more daily drops of calm?

Thea Jolly is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

For more daily drops of calm, and to find out when Thea releases her weekly video, click here to visit and like her Perfectionism Coach page on Facebook.

Subscribe directly to her You Tube channel by clicking here.

Or to find out more about Thea, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

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One of many Voices: Sarah-Jane Volkers

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

How do the women in our community show up as leaders in their lives, and make bold choices without losing sight of their own needs?

Today we’re settling down for a chat with Sarah-Jane Volkers, who’s opening up about her exciting career transition after 18 years as creative director of the company she co-founded.

She’s sharing the “big why” behind her new business, her non-negotiables when it comes to taking care of herself and the 20-minute activity that always starts her day off right.

What do you do?

I’m currently very happily in career transition! I’m still working a busy full-time creative director role for a company I help set up 18 years ago. We have three catalogue and online brands producing over 40 catalogues a year, which involves a huge amount of product selection, design, photography, production – and an absolute need for good humour and sensitive chivvying.

And the transition? I’m also a trained image consultant and am now combining this with my styling and design experience to help female business owners feel confident in their own style and personal brand, paying particular attention to how that sits alongside and supports their business brand.

So often I see women working hard, building brilliant businesses, confident in their ability to deliver exceptional skills and services yet faltering when they get that hard won opportunity to make that big presentation, or accept that amazing speaking gig – all because they are unsure about what to wear to ‘do the business’.

Developing a signature look can do more than liberate you from wardrobe meltdowns – it can support your business and reinforce your values. You need it to be easy and, most importantly, you want to feel confident that you are still showing up as you. That’s when we can relax, be in flow, do our best work and represent our businesses in the best way possible.

When you head up your own company, it’s important to get the balance right between your business brand and your own unique personal brand. Ideally you want each to reflect and enhance the other, because although you may be your business – your business is not all of you!

Give us the big “why” you do what you do?

I spent quite a bit of my early life feeling awkward and out on the side – with my confidence held back by a slightly eccentric childhood I had a lot of anxiety around fitting in and being seen to be likeable. Through personal and professional experience I understand how successful first impressions can impact confidence, credibility, and sales – both for people and products. Switching the focus of my skills to help others is one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done.

What’s your daily routine?

I’m such an early bird it’s crazy! Mornings are my best time, so I’ve perfected my routine to squeeze as much time out for me before I have to give to the day job.

I’m always up before 5 am and, after rehydration and writing my three “morning pages”, I’m heading out for fresh air. I walk just 20 minutes a day, first thing – before my mind can find an excuse not to! It’s the only way I manage to get out for a walk at least once a day – it’s not perfect, but it’s something. It keeps my mind sharp and my migraines at bay.

Whether in the office, studio or on set I tend to now work standard office hours plus travel either end – a great improvement on my pre-Lead The Change days when life was just work!

I’m truly lucky in that I don’t have to be in the office everyday; I can escape and become completely absorbed in the creative process.

I always take time to prepare good food – I need to eat carefully to manage headaches and hormones – but I make sure I enjoy every morsel.

My major need is a minimum of 7.5 hours sleep – more if I can get it. So with an early start, I’m always in bed by 9pm and if I can sneak away earlier I will!

How do you feel about women’s “lot” these days?

I started my career in print production – hence I’m an organiser and a ferocious scheduler. Juggling is my life-blood, and in a weird way, it gives me energy.

I’ve also spent the majority of my adult life as a single parent of one, or living by myself and therefore my ‘lot’ is MY life – I haven’t had to deal with the detritus of family living for a long time. I do though have to be careful not to become too mechanical about life when things do get busy – my inner scheduler can get a bit carried away sometimes!

How does femininity and Soft Power feature in your life? What does it look like?

Lead The Change completely changed the way I work. I had spent years pushing myself to continually single-handedly achieve the standards I believed were expected of me, even though the business and workload was near doubling year-on-year.

I was acting like a madwoman – think art directing all day in London and then getting the later afternoon flight to Germany to do an overnight press pass, flying back to London in the morning.

Now we have a great creative team, small but perfectly matched skill for skill. Instead of top-down management we very much come from a collaborative stance, and I hope set an example for other teams within the business. Ironically, although the majority of the company is female, we are the only team to now employ two men!

What is the most common emotion you feel on a day-to-day basis?

Empathy. I see so many people struggling with day-to-day issues and I see where I have been and where I could and can still be. We all need to try and be more understanding.

What do you do for SoftPlay? How do you look after yourself?

Soft Play has always been difficult for me – but I do work at it.

When I first did Lead The Change I was shocked (can you believe this?) at the idea that you might buy yourself a cup of coffee when you were out shopping – you know, just rock up and take 5 minutes to yourself without anyone else to treat or talk to!

One of the first tasks I was set by my coach was to go out and buy myself a lipstick… I found that so tough.

So it’s remarkable to think I took a rare shopping day on my own two weeks ago, buying myself a lovely lunch after spending a happy half hour at the make-up counter. It’s not about spending money – it’s about playing, be that time out or learning or engaging or just being. For me sometimes it’s about being messy – I’ve spent a lifetime being neat, tidy and on time – sometimes you have to cause a ruckus.

And yes sometimes I forget – but I try and notice the signs, be kind to myself and get back on track.

Do you exercise your #righttobesoft in your workplace? If so, how?

I believe I’m now confident enough in myself to know I don’t have to act hard to do my job. If I find myself slipping into old defensive ways I always end up apologising.

I’m still learning to deal with the shame I feel about some of my interactions in the past. Knowledge can bring pain, as well as understanding.

What’s one “breakthrough” you have had in your life, that shifted the way you saw things?

Realising that I was good enough as I am and that I didn’t need to drive myself to prove it to anyone. I truly believe it’s made me whole. I’d like to believe it’s had a positive effect on my daughter.

Who do you look up to as a woman?

There are many women I admire, but the one who had a major impact on my life and influenced the way I understood womanhood is Chrissie Hynde – the musician and songwriter.

I worked for her both on the road and at home for 5 years when I was putting myself through university, and she revolutionised my thinking about how you should be in the world. After a sheltered upbringing in the home counties I learned so much from her about being true to yourself, sticking to your values and trusting your instincts. She was incredibly patient and kind to me, then a very shy teenager, and I’m forever in awe of her strength and courage.

Where do you look for hope?

My daughter, her contemporaries and their deliciously positive outlook on the future.

Thanks so much, Sarah-Jane!

Ready to start your journey?

If you’re curious about Lead the Change and would like to find out more about this life-changing women’s leadership program, book a call with the office by clicking here. We’d love to answer your questions and share more about the program.

About Sarah-Jane

Style coach | Obsessive note-taker | Courage catalyst

After over 25 years as a successful Creative Director designing and styling brands, Sarah-Jane is now sharing her expertise to help busy, independent businesswomen define and develop their own personal style so they can confidently represent their brand, without compromising their individuality. 

You can find Sarah-Jane at the following links:

Instagram: @sarahjanevolkers
Facebook page: Sarah-Jane Volkers
Website: sarahjanevolkers.co.uk

 

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One of many Voices: Felicity Wingrove

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

With three businesses, a busy household and a passion for living life on her own terms, Felicity Wingrove is a force to be reckoned with. In her words “I get shit done better than almost anyone else I know”

A self-confessed linguistics geek, she’s also a One of many Certified Trainer and powerful advocate for women’s empowerment at work and home. We asked Felicity to give us a candid look at what life’s really like behind the scenes, and her secrets to finding balance.

What do you do?

I run my own PR and content creation agency; speak, train and coach C-suite executives to discover their own personal power and to take control of how they’re perceived in all areas of their lives; I’m mum to two delicious little ones (Arabella is 15 months and Alexander is four); and I act as an Associate in my partner’s business, coaching SME business owners and running a Mastermind group.

Give us a daily routine (or a normal day in the life of you)…

I genuinely co-parent with my partner so I’m up by 6am all week (and usually weekends too). Half the week I’m straight off to work and at my desk by 7am, the other half I’m corralling a toddler and a pre-schooler into clothes, feeding brekkie and trying to blank out the strains of Peppa Pig.

Four days a week I work from my agency. A working day usually lasts until 6pm, and I can be anywhere in the country – taking briefings, crafting strategy, or working with my team.

Friday (or ‘mummy day’ as clients, team and everyone else knows it) I’m with my little ones, and usually covered in mud, paint or water. We have a *lot* of fun and I’m careful to be really present with them. And weekends are sacred family time. Walks, adventures, trips out, meals together, snuggles on the sofa, that sort of thing.

How do you feel about women’s “lot” these days?

I feel frustrated by this. I ‘get’ that many women have to carry the emotional load of the family. One of my team, for example, has a husband who will do whatever she wants. Need the kids taking to school? He’ll do it with a smile. But she’s the one who has to remember that it’s dress-up day, or that they need £2 for a charity something, or whatever it might be. I’m not doing that down, as I know that lots of women have the same experience, but I chose not to and that required some really honest conversations with my partner before we had kids.

After all, I’m really good at what I do, and I’ve worked really hard to get really good. But I also desperately wanted kids and didn’t want to miss out on that side of life too. To ‘have it all’ I needed someone who would be happy to pick up the other side for me. And my other half did (and does).

On a Friday when I’m mummy, he’s running his business and doing what he needs to do, but mid-week mornings when I need to be suited and booted and off kicking arse somewhere, he’s on the nursery run. And I don’t pack the kids’ bags for him – he’s an intelligent guy and perfectly capable of working out that it’s sunny so they may need sunglasses…

My – controversial I know – opinion, is that we as women have created our own significance from being so essential to the running of our homes and families. ‘I go away for a day and the whole thing falls apart’ is a martyr-esque cry in my mind, and a badge of honour.

Maybe it’s because I’m from a business background (I’m ex-corporate) but a business that can’t run without me is a sign of abject failure on my part. Hell, my entire goal with my own business is to make myself completely dispensable and for my team to be empowered to thrive without me. And while I’m not advocating that for women at home, I love the fact that my home works without me, albeit that it can still bring out vulnerability sometimes.

Let’s face it, it’s tough to be ‘managed without’ but I look to the example that I’m setting my son and my daughter and it’s worth the odd wobble, the odd tears en route to a meeting, or the odd tummy lurch when my daughter reaches for Daddy first. Tomorrow it’s just as likely to be me first and isn’t it great that he’s so important in her life too. And when it all gets a bit much, well then we have the PowerType Release Process 😉

How does femininity and Soft Power feature in your business/ career? What does it look like?

I used to be tough, and hard and even a bit brittle. I was the ex cage fighter that Jo talks about at conference… Soft was weak, and yielding made me feel a bit sick. Discovering One of many changed all that. I stopped pushing so hard at everything and chilled the **** out!

Soft power has allowed me to be softer but still unapologetic. Not aggressive by any stretch but I know my worth, my value and also my boundaries, and they’re non-negotiable. I lead from soft power and while I’ll always enjoy my Warrioress yang energy, I also see the real benefit of bringing yin to the boardroom. I work almost exclusively with men, and in masculine sectors such as manufacturing, engineering and tech. Tapping into my genuine femininity allows me to communicate authentically with them. I’m more compelling and inspiring as a result.

What is the most common emotion you feel as a woman on a day-to day basis?

Excitement. We have never had so much opportunity – to see, feel, hear, taste, touch and experience. To lead and to be led into new adventures. To inspire. To shape the world exactly as we wish and need. To bring up the next generation and to learn from those before us. We’re connected like never before.

What’s the soundtrack of inspiration for you?

Oh my gosh, I *love* music. This Is Me reminds me of the Trainers’ Certification and the gorgeous ladies I shared that journey with. Thunder by Imagine Dragons makes me want to conquer the world. Havana by Camila Cabello makes me want to get up and dance. My theme tune though would probably be something like Best Day of My Life, or Reach by S Club 7!

Thanks, Felicity!

Ready to start your journey?

If you’re curious about Lead the Change and would like to find out more about this life-changing women’s leadership program, book a call with the office by clicking here. We’d love to answer your questions and share more about the program.

About Felicity

Psycholinguist | Corporate survivor | Ex-cage fighter

Felicity Wingrove is a coach, speaker and trainer as well as the founder of Zen Communications. Her work centers around giving others a voice, whether that’s helping professionals who are struggling to find theirs; working with awesome businesses who need to authentically position and market themselves; or supporting business owners who have a dream and just need the marketing (and sales) know-how to deliver it to those that matter.

She previously worked in a variety of senior communications positions, applying her language skills on behalf of some of the nation’s leading brands, organisations and associations. After time as Senior Communications Adviser for FTSE100 BAE Systems’ Air Systems, and Account Director at national PR agency Golley Slater, she launched her own consultancy in 2007. Now, she helps clients take positive control of how they’re perceived, truly own their space, and powerfully and ethically influence the people who matter the most to them.

Connect with her at the following links:

Twitter: @Felicity_ZenPR
Facebook page: Zen PR
Website: www.zen-communications.co.uk
Linked In: Felicity Wingrove

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Can women leaders be true to themselves?

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The trouble with deciding to be “true to yourself” as a leader, is that first you have to know which self to choose. You in the car doing a one-woman karaoke version of a song you don’t actually know all the words to? Might not wash with the senior leaders who need to really respect your authority. You having a meltdown as you wrangle your kid back to bed fourteen hundredth time? Probably not the most diplomatic persona to bring to a tense meeting with a team member. And yet the version of ourselves we do often choose to show up as can feel just as narrow a way to contain all of who you are. So how can women leaders be true to themselves?

You contain many selves

We all contain a blend of personalities, whether or not we’re conscious of them. Some of them might be “inherited” from people in your life, maybe from when you were growing up. A strict teacher’s phrases might ring in your ears when you write important documents. Or your granny’s no-nonsense words might fortify you when you’re overthinking a decision.

Some of them have arisen from your own experiences, or just evolved with you over time. And they’re not always incredibly helpful.

For example, you might recognise some of these common personalities:

  • The people pleaser, who’s always trying to keep everyone happy
  • The worrier, expert in foreseeing the absolute worst-case scenario
  • The inner critic, never happy with the standard round here
  • The rebel, who thinks you can stick your spreadsheets where the sun doesn’t shine
  • The dreamer, who…. sorry, what were you saying? I’d drifted off

From a psychological perspective, then, deciding to simply be “true to yourself” doesn’t quite wash. And there’s something else to bear in mind.

Society shapes (some of) who you are

The second thing to think about when it comes to being “true to yourself” is the impact society has on our actions and identities.

For example, research shows that, in the workplace, women are far more likely to offer to do non-promotable tasks. These are defined as tasks which “benefit the organization but likely don’t contribute to someone’s performance evaluation and career advancement.” (Think: organizing the office party, or taking minutes at a meeting).

In a Harvard Business Review study, researchers found that

“Although neither men nor women really want to volunteer for thankless tasks, women volunteer more, are asked to volunteer more, and accept requests to volunteer more than men. These differences do not appear to result from gender differences in preferences, but rather from a shared understanding that women will volunteer more than men.”

When a job’s identified, the group are asked to volunteer to do it, and that slightly awkward silence descends on the meeting? Women are far more likely to be the ones to sigh and raise our hands.

This kind of cultural conditioning is a tricky thing to navigate. After all, if we’ve been raised to be helpful, and the expectation is that we’re going to offer a hand if one’s needed, you could say it’s being “true to yourself” to volunteer.

But unconscious gender stereotyping like this is harmful. It plays a big part in the gender pay gap and the lack of women in senior leadership positions. And it relies on our tendency to have absorbed stereotypes like being helpful, pleasing people, and being “good” – which can be to our detriment.

Superwoman to the rescue!

So we’re more likely to volunteer to help out with “thankless” tasks at work. And we’re also more likely to be doing more of the day to day household tasks at home.

A Goldman Sachs report reported statistics from the US Bureau of Labor Statistics showing that

“over the past 15 years, significantly more women than men have spent time on household activities on a daily basis (84% of women vs 65% of men). And the women who engaged in these activities each day spent about 25% more time doing so than the men who engaged in them.”

The solution? Enter, Superwoman.

Superwoman is the archetype of our times. She doesn’t bat an eyelid at all these extra responsibilities. In fact, she also has several productive hobbies, eight children, a regular Pilates practice, a sex life that would make you blush and still finds time to let her hair down with the girls at the weekend.

Sleep? Who needs it!

It’s easy to laugh but when it comes to piling on the commitments, you’ve probably been guilty of going a bit too heavy on the multitasking yourself from time to time.

Conference calls while cooking dinner… business books on holiday… emails on the phone while you’re at the playground.

Ring any bells?

When we’re in Superwoman mode we can often feel like we’re being “true to ourselves”, or at least trying to be.

We’re endeavouring to live up to the idea we have of the perfect wife… mother… manager… friend.

But Superwoman only lasts for so long, before the cracks begin to show.

Burnout is the price we pay for ignoring the need to bring more of ourselves to the table. And when we burn out, we really do get to be ourselves. Just not as the leaders we’d imagined we’d be.

It’s tough. It’s avoidable. And for many of us it’s the wake up call we need to do things differently.

Is there another way?

Being true to yourself requires honesty.

So showing up as yourself isn’t as simple as just letting it all hang out, uncensored. There’s a bit more work involved.

Find out who you are

Beneath all the different roles you play in your life, what makes you tick? What gets you excited? What do you love to do, and what would you like to never do again?

A daily journaling practice is a great way to start when it comes to discovering who you are.

It might feel a little awkward at first – like hanging out with an acquaintance you’ve only just met. Keep going. Even if at first, you’re just writing “I don’t know what to write” or “I don’t know who I am” over and over again.

At some point, you’ll find your voice and the words will begin to flow.

Work through what’s holding you back

When you’re starting to show up as a leader without putting on a “mask”, it also requires that you deal, at least to some extent, with what’s going on in the rest of your life.

If you’re a raging ball of fury at home, snapping at your partner and roaring at your kids, it’s probably safe to say your team might not want to see you let your guard down.

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Guest post: How to stop judgmental thoughts

By

Susie Heath

Susie Heath

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.
Susie Heath

Latest posts by Susie Heath (see all)

Competent women all too often feel we have to supervise everything; that it’s up to us to decide if something or someone is up to scratch or not. This urge to control is often born from a deeper fear of getting things wrong. And very often it doesn’t help us – which is why knowing how to stop judgmental thoughts is such an important skill to learn.

Where judgment comes from

Did you know that most of our thoughts, feelings, and choices don’t actually belong to us? They are “borrowed” from other people, taught to us and conditioned, mostly before the age of 2. We grow up looking at the world and our relationships through these conditioned reactions.

Judgment, tolerance and acceptance put massive limitations around the possibilities in our own lives and in our relationships. Because they are all ways of closing down potential.

Judgment in relationships

We judge our own sex as well as the opposite sex, and we carry with us deep-rooted cultural judgments of each other.

For women, there is the unspoken historical accusation of tempting man away from his connection with God. Laughable though this may seem in our modern age, it is deeply imprinted in our cellular memory. And of course there are all the other damaging stereotypes and assumptions that have been used to oppress and stifle women’s freedom and power.

Men carry deep guilt too. They have been taught that nothing good came from man, only from woman; that they are bad not only for having suppressed women, but also for putting them through the pain and suffering of childbirth. At an unconscious level, men often feel they have to heal and make up for all the damage done. That can show up as trying to solve problems – but also as resentment.

We each hold assumptions about the other sex which come out in our behaviour and verbally towards each other, as you will hear in many conversations.

So imagine how it would be to stop invalidating each other.

It’s time to stop devaluing yourself and let go of all these judgments – to look for the greatness in the other and in yourself, rather than the limitations.

How we judge ourselves

You will be amazed how many of us judge ourselves to be wrong much of the time, because we hide it so well.

For instance,

  • Some religions have taught us that we are born in sin, live in sin and that sex is sinful. When you judge this, you make your very existence wrong, and limit who you are.
  • We judge our body and our talents for not being enough
  • If someone else rejects us we make ourselves wrong, rather than acknowledging that it’s just their point of view.

Thus we walk around with the “wrongness” of us locked into every cell. Our sensuality feels like wrongness, and even our joy feels like wrongness as if we are supposed to be as sad as everyone else.

When we judge ourselves we have no option but to judge others. That’s because in order to judge anything, whether good or bad, we have to have been there and done it ourselves at some level, even if only in our imagination.

It’s the difference between “What’s that?” (excitement and curiosity) or “Ooh, gross” (judgment).

The habit here is to look for the wrongness of you – it’s one we’ve all been indoctrinated in from day 1. If you’ve not conformed, you are told you are wrong, and so in order to protect yourself, you automatically look for the wrongness in others.

Judgments and limitations stop us seeing the real person in front of us and create barriers between us; they are solid and unmoving. In judging, we buy into points of view that keep us trapped.

We lock definitions of ourselves into our body that we are too young, too old, too stupid, too pink, too blue, too different, but it’s all programming. We can’t receive goodness and kindness when we create these barriers.

The more you eliminate barriers, the more information falls into your consciousness, and awareness of everything increases, which makes life so much more interesting and exciting.

How many definitions have you locked into your body? Be willing to be the inspiration and start to see the beauty that you truly are.

So what’s the solution – more tolerance and acceptance?

A word on tolerance and acceptance: To tolerate someone’s behaviour is in itself judgmental and has an element of superiority about it, as if you are better than them. It is seeing the wrongness of someone and despite that, agreeing to put up with it.

Acceptance is a begrudging of someone and who they are, and neither of these have any heart in them.

So what can you do to turn this round? Are you willing to take a risk of being open to creating something far more dynamic, where you can choose with far greater awareness?

The risk of non-judgment

Choosing to question your judgmental thoughts can feel risky at first. In asking yourself whether your judgment of someone is necessary, you’re calling into question what you believe to be true.

But a risk is a very special opportunity to transform.

We can hold on so tightly to our own beliefs and “stuff” that there is no room for anything else; we get weak if we avoid taking risks and we lose energy.

Trusting someone is a risk, and there may be some disappointment. But you don’t have to give so much importance to disappointment.

The fact that you are alive and reading this means that you are far stronger than you think, and that you can support your mistakes in life.

So when would now be a good time to let go of all these limitations and jump out? It is far better to have 1000 disappointments than not take enough risks.

It’s time to stop creating yourself as the limited being you pretend to be and claim and own the magnificence of who you are.

How to stop judgmental thoughts

So let’s get practical here. Where can you start when it comes to stopping judgmental thoughts for good?

Just saying “I won’t think that any more” probably won’t help. Instead, the trick is to begin to change the script you’re habitually using.

Start by asking yourself more powerful questions. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you ask yourself.

When you ask questions such as “What has to happen to…?” or “Who do I need to become in order to change …?” your life will expand.

Life-contracting questions such as “Why?” produce life-contracting answers.

“Why can’t I find the right person to be with?” will bring out all sorts of negative answers – because you’re too old/too fat/too thin/too young/too intelligent/too stupid/ green/bald/short/tall.

In the same way, asking “Why can’t my boss make a sensible decision?” probably won’t be a fruitful line of questioning for you.

Using “What/ when/where/ who questions instead, encourage the unconscious mind to expand and awaken, to come up with new experiences to guide you into a new way of enjoying your life.

Living in the question is the only way to break free and allows the expression of who you really are and who the other person is.

In turn this creates depth, harmony, excitement, newness, a sense of wonder and awe.

“What has to happen for me to…?”
“How can I help create…”
“Where do I need to focus my attention right now?”
“How can I honor and nurture my body today?

Start looking for the greatness and the possibility, rather than the limitations, in yourself and others.

Living free from judgment

When we’re afraid of being judged, we try and stay invisible and not let others see how amazing we are. Of course, they then do the same.

Take the lid off the box and let yourself out. Give up the sadness and embody the joy.

Dare to let go of all the things you’ve pretended to be – it’s such a relief.

When you are in allowance of who the other person is, it takes away such a large amount of effort. It’s just a point of view – neither right nor wrong.

So if you take away judgment and decision, what is left? There is choice. You can choose moment by moment how you want to live and love.

Be at choice instead of decision.
Be in allowance instead of tolerance and acceptance.
Be in awareness rather than judgment.

It will change your life.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.