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How to handle difficult family members

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Every family is different, and when it comes to the person who we find most challenging all of us are unique. Perhaps it’s a parent who can’t help themselves from handing out the unwanted advice at every opportunity; the little brother whose judgments you could do without; or the uncle whose attitude of “someone else will take care of me” feels like the final straw. When it comes to how to handle difficult family members, there’s a simple framework that can be a real life-saver, and that’s what I’m going to to share with you today.

One of the things that makes family stuff so challenging is that we often find it really hard to extract our emotions from what’s happening.

For example, take a snide comment that feels like a pointed attack, and has you storming out of the room, seething with rage. If you were watching a movie of your interaction, it might seem pretty innocuous – your step-brother’s giving you a bit of financial advice, maybe.

What an onlooker wouldn’t see are the years or decades of history leading up to that moment. If you’ve felt belittled or patronised over a long period of time, that one comment can really seem like the final straw. And it’s that kind of build up that can leave your normally resourceful self feeling like you’re fourteen years old again.

Setting boundaries with your family can be hard

We can’t choose our families, and so one of the most effective tools we have at our disposal are boundaries. Boundaries help you set strong limits around what is and isn’t acceptable.

But they often feel complicated because we tend to lump everyone we’re related to together under one label: “family”. Your soulmate sister occupies the same mental territory as your dad, who you can’t stand to be in the same room with once he’s had that first drink. And whereas you’d feel confident letting a colleague know if they’d crossed a line, it doesn’t feel right to put the same boundary in place with your aunt. After all, she’s family, right?

Now, I want to talk a little about boundaries. Where we tend to compromise on boundaries a lot is by giving other people energy for things which are not important to us. Why? Well, lots of reasons:

  • We want their approval
  • We worry what they think about us
  • We don’t want to be rejected by them,

Or all sorts of other things you can probably think of when it comes to your family.

So what I’m going to share now is a simple way to start getting clearer about your boundaries.

It’s not complicated, but to get the hang of it you’ll probably find it easiest to grab a piece of paper and a pen. Anything will do – back of an envelope, a post-it note, whatever comes to hand.

The only 3 boundaries you need

Firstly, start by drawing 3 concentric circles – one in the middle, one round that, and another one round the edge of that. This is how you’re going to rethink your boundaries with the different people in your life.

At the center of is you. It’s that simple. The very middle is you, and that’s you and your energy.

Write “Me” in the middle of that first circle.

Around you, then, and closest to you and your energy, is the realm of the Mother. In that second circle, write “Hearth” – this is the first, and closest, circle of people in your life – whether or not you’re related to them. 

The realm of the Mother: The Hearth

The realm of the Mother is called the “Hearth”. In an old house, the hearth or fireplace would quite literally be the warm centre of the home, and this is the image I want you to start with when thinking about whose energy has an impact on your life.

The people who are at your hearth are the people who are very close to you and very special to you, and how they are really impacts how you are. What I mean by that is: if your child is upset, you’re upset. Sure, you might practice mindfulness or use other strategies so that you’re not literally unable to function when your toddler’s having a meltdown, but for the people at your hearth your connection is really strong.

Now, this is the really important part: You get to choose who’s at your hearth. It’s not dictated to by someone else.

The people at your hearth are people like your children. Your spouse would probably be at your hearth.

You might have some of your siblings at your hearth, but maybe not necessarily all of your siblings.

Your parents might be at your hearth or they might not be, right? You get to choose. You might have your mum, but not your dad, or your dad at your hearth, but not your mum.

You might have your neighbor at your hearth if you’re particularly close with them. Your best friend might be at your hearth.

It’s like an intimate group of people, and this is the distinction.

How to work out who’s at your hearth

Figuring out who is at your hearth is the area of the Mother PowerType, and here’s why: This is a group of people for whom you will sacrifice energy on a short-term basis. If your kid is unwell, you’ll get out of bed and drive them to hospital even if the most important thing for your well-being is a good night’s sleep. That’s how you decide if they’re at your hearth.

People that you would dip into and even go negative in your energetic stakes that you are happy to sacrifice for because their well-being is that important to you, so it’s the realm of the Mother PowerType.

Beyond the hearth: The realm

Beyond the hearth then is the “Realm,” and the realm is the area of the Queen PowerType. In that third circle, write realm.

Your realm are people that are not at your hearth, but you do care about them. They’re people beyond that, so siblings who are not at your hearth might be at your realm. (You might have some siblings who are not even in your realm. We’ll talk about that in a moment.)

Your realm are people like your siblings who are not at your hearth, your parents who are not at your hearth, your kids who are not at your hearth, and any of those close connections.

You might have friends who are in your realm but not necessarily at your hearth. I’ve got lots of friends like that. They’re not “drop anything” friends, but they’re great friends. They’re in my realm. Your clients would be in your realm, if you feel a connection to them.

For me, the Hunger Project and everyone that works with the Hunger Project, which is the aid organization that One of many support both with our time and with our money, are in my realm and very important in my realm. In fact, sometimes they cross into my hearth. Sometimes, they ask me to do things, and I go negative because it’s important for me.

That’s the context of realm. If you’re the Queen, these are the people who are in your nation. Not everybody is going to be in your nation. You cannot give your energy to everyone all the time. The Hunger Project is very much in my realm, but there are dozens, hundreds, thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of other amazing aid organizations doing great work, amazing not for profits doing great work who are not in my realm. I can’t have everyone in my realm. As much as sometimes you’d like to, you can’t.

What if someone’s in the wrong place?

Now, you might be looking at the diagram you’ve just jotted down and thinking that there are people in your Hearth who are draining lots of your energy – and actually, they don’t belong there. 

Sometimes, people that are currently at your hearth or in your realm shouldn’t even be in your realm. That’s when it’s time to get into your Queen PowerType and banish them from your realm – with love, but knowing you’re not going to give them any energy anymore.

If you’ve got a brother who is just a total drain, always rings you up at the most inopportune moments, never ever supports you when you need it, is angry all the time, is just abusive when he calls you up, but you’re helping him out of some feeling that you “should” because he’s family, maybe it’s time to banish him from your realm with love.

Now, that idea might feel triggering to you. Everyone’s own perspective on this is different. It’s really important that you choose according to your life values whether to give energy to that person or not. You might feel that while you’re happy to draw a line putting someone in your realm, you’re not ready to get rid of them completely – and that’s OK. But make sure you’re really making that choice from an empowered place.

If it feels hard to set a boundary

There’s a quote from Brené Brown which I love. She says

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated, and that’s why we sometimes attack who they are, which is actually far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

I see this a lot. When we find it hard to set boundaries with our spouses, with our children, with our parents, and then when those boundaries are overstepped, we feel used and mistreated. We start to get resentful, and then we start to come out with the things we really don’t want to find ourselves saying. We say “You are such a pain. You’re so needy. You’re always doing this.” Or whatever it is for you…

As soon as we start saying “always” or “never,” we start attacking. We attack rather than actually reflecting that perhaps we’re teaching them how to treat us, by not having a boundary in place.

Get the boundary in place, and then communicate that boundary. It will get respected unless they’re someone who shouldn’t be in the realm – in which case, different rules apply.

How to set boundaries

Setting boundaries is a big topic. If you could do with some help figuring out how to have those conversations, don’t fret! We’ve got you covered with our helpful practical guide: Enough is Enough: How to gracefully set unshakeable boundaries. Click here to grab your copy now.

How about you? Have you been able to navigate challenging family situations with aplomb? Or do you find it hard to remain poised and present when in the company of the people you grew up with? Share your story in the comments – we love to hear from you!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Do you fear getting in trouble?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Written down, it can sound a bit nuts. You’re a fully grown, capable, intelligent woman, after all. And yet, in the back of your mind, it’s there – a fear of getting in trouble of some kind, whether with a boss, client, colleague or even family member.

If you dread the thought of being on the receiving end of criticism, or being told you’ve let people down, here are a few things to help you move forward.

Is a fear of getting in trouble the same as imposter syndrome?

“Imposter syndrome” is the name given to a tendency to feel inadequate or not good enough, despite evidence to the contrary.

It’s often described as a feeling that you’re going to be “found out” – as though despite your glowing appraisals, stellar results and fantastic rapport with your team, one day you’ll somehow be revealed for being a fraud.

Ironically, imposter syndrome tends to be more prevalent in high-achieving individuals. It was first identified in 1985, when Dr Susan Clance identified 6 potential characteristics of what she termed “Imposter phenomenon”

  1. The Impostor Cycle
  2. The need to be special or to be the very best
  3. Superman/Superwoman aspects – setting impossibly high standards in every area of our lives
  4. Fear of failure,
  5. Denial of competence and Discounting praise, and
  6. Fear and guilt about success

So a fear of “getting into trouble” may well be a sign that you’re experiencing “Imposter syndrome” at some level. And that can lead to stress, anxiety and guilt, all of which impact your physical and emotional wellbeing, and that of those around you.

If you’re experiencing intense psychological distress, or finding yourself really struggling with these kinds of emotions, it’s important to reach out and ask for help. Talk to your GP or a trusted friend about getting professional support to help you get back on track.

But if you’re, like so many women, functioning pretty well day-to-day and just want to free yourself from that nagging self-doubt or looming sense of failure, read on.

Here are 3 ways to break free of the fear of getting in trouble, so you can have the impact you’re here to have.

3 ways to overcome a fear of getting in trouble

1. Find your Queen

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are a simple way to connect to different “versions” of yourself, without losing what makes you unique. The Queen is the PowerType whose behaviour is rooted in her knowledge that her power is hers by birthright. She doesn’t need to prove herself or pass a test. And no one would dare to question her wisdom or her decisions.

Ways to get into your “Queen” PowerType might include moving physically as though you’re wearing a crown and robes. It might sound a bit silly, but give it a try – rolling your shoulders back and lifting your neck can have a surprising impact on how you feel about potential criticism.

Music can be another great way to tap into the PowerTypes. What music might you associate with a regal attitude – a beautiful classical piece? Something upbeat and empowering?

The Queen doesn’t abuse her power, so this isn’t about becoming arrogant. Rather, it’s about accepting that criticism or feedback is something you can take wise counsel from, and leave the rest. It’s information that you can use to inform your future actions, without doubting your magnificence or the intention with which you made past decisions. After all, the queen always acts for the good of her realm.

2. Set boundaries

If fear of getting in trouble is something that’s creeping into your downtime or impacting your ability to relax, it might be time to set some boundaries around causes of stress.

If you work in a high-pressured environment where mistakes can be critical, it’s natural for you to want to avoid making them. What’s problematic is if you notice yourself feeling anxious when you’re at home, playing with your kids.

It might be time to set some boundaries around, say, when you’re available for calls or when you’ll check your work email. Deleting your email from your phone might help you to draw clearer lines between when you’re “on” and when you’re unplugged.

Or you might choose to set some boundaries with someone whose feedback can cause you to wobble. Perhaps you want to arrange a weekly meeting with a colleague so they can feed back on your project, instead of receiving emails throughout the week requesting small changes.

If setting boundaries is something you find challenging, we have a free guide that has helped hundreds of other women learn how to do so gracefully and without drama. It’s called Enough is Enough: How to Gracefully Set Unshakeable Boundaries. You can download it for free by clicking here.

3. Be your own mother

A fear of getting into trouble is often something we first feel as children. From a Women’s PowerTypes perspective, it can be wonderfully empowering to connect to the aspect of yourself that has the characteristics of Mother. You don’t have to have children to feel these.

A healthy Mother loves her children unconditionally, cares about their wellbeing, and nurtures and delights in all they do. Even when those she cares about make mistakes, she sweeps them up in her all-encompassing love, reassuring them that she’s there for them even as they learn and grow.

If you find yourself slipping into a fear of getting into trouble, try connecting to your Mother instincts and giving yourself that sense of unconditional approval.

You might want to journal around that; perhaps writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of a kind, loving mother. How can you make yourself feel safe and held?

Many of us rush through our days without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, or thinking about how we can take care of themselves.

Try asking yourself what you need, as though you were caring gently for a toddler. Are you tired, thirsty, or hungry? How is it understandable to be feeling what you’re feeling, and what might help you to feel better?

Your fear can be your strength

It’s not always comfortable to acknowledge our fears, but sharing them is a powerful way to find support and discover that you’re really not alone.

And if you worry that one day you’ll really fall flat on your face, take solace in these words from JK Rowling.

“You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

And you certainly don’t have to navigate this stuff by yourself.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to get over mother guilt

By

Thea Jolly

Thea Jolly

In-house Coach at One of many
Thea is one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea's mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves - because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world.
Thea Jolly

Latest posts by Thea Jolly (see all)

This article is by Thea Jolly, one of our Certified Coaches and part of the coaching team on our the Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

Thea’s mission is to help women feel at peace with themselves – because only then can they make their biggest and boldest contributions to their families, communities and the world. And today she’s sharing 5 simple ways to get over our guilt.

How much time and energy do you waste feeling bad about your parenting? Do you second guess your decisions, worrying about saying no and upsetting your children, or do you try to please everyone, despite it compromising what you believe in? Or perhaps you experience a constant low-level guilt about not being the ‘Perfect Mother’ and being able to Do-It-All.

Welcome to modern motherhood – and indeed, modern womanhood. Even if you’re not a mum, the steps I’m sharing with you today are incredibly powerful when you apply them to any situation you find yourself feeling guilty about.

Often our guilt is in direct proportion to the expectations we have of ourselves, of the bar that we set ourselves. And in some areas it’s just too high.

When we are at our best we are light-hearted and happy, following our intuition, allowing life to flow and opportunities for growth and nurture to unfold. Guilt gets in the way of that.

So how do we stop? And how do we let our softer, natural, more effective Mother out to play?

5 ways to deal with mother guilt

1. Call it out.

The first step towards change is to notice what is going on. As the saying goes, knowledge is power, and self-knowledge is the ultimate power.

Start noticing whenever you feel guilty about something and instead of ruminating, say to yourself:

‘I’m noticing I’m feeling guilty about x, and that’s OK. I’m a human being feeling a human emotion.’

This labelling helps you to distance yourself from the guilty thoughts and emotions – like an observer who’s not so personally involved – which reduces their power over you.

2. Notice your stories.

Every second of the day we are interpreting the world around us, through our bodies and minds. None of those interpretations are true – they are just one of many realities that we create depending on our mood, our beliefs and a million other filters and factors that affect our neural connections.

When guilt strikes, ask yourself what story you are telling yourself.

For example, I’ve noticed that I often feel guilty about feeding my children processed pizzas. If I stop and ask myself what story I’m really telling myself the answer might be:

I’m telling myself that good mums never feed their children pizza, and that because I’m not making time to cook meals from scratch, I’m a bad mum. I’m telling myself the story that all other mums cook healthier meals than I do.

I’m painting a black and white picture where pizza is bad and no-pizza is good. I’m telling myself that my children will get obese, and develop diabetes and die early from cancer because I’m not a good enough mother and it’s all my fault.

I’m also telling myself the story that it’s too hard to do anything else and that I’m stuck here feeling bad about feeding my kids pizza every Friday.

Written down, I’m sure you can see how untrue this story is. There are elements of truth – processed pizza isn’t the healthiest of meals – but the extrapolations and meanings I’ve taken from it are not true.

I won’t kill my children with pizza. There are hundreds of habits and factors that will affect my children’s health. There are thousands of moments that will contribute to my parenting, and most of them will be nurturing and positive.

Start questioning the stories you are telling yourself and make a conscious choice about whether to believe them or not.

After a while you will notice your favourite stories, and will be able to say to yourself: Ah, that’s my ‘I’m a bad mother story’, ‘I can’t cope story’, or ‘pizzas are evil story’ and let it go.

3. Know your values and boundaries

Sometimes guilt is a response to actions that occur because your boundaries are being crossed or your values are being compromised.

For example, I’ve realised that for me personally my pizza story was a sign that I wasn’t living in line with my values. I believe in fresh, wholesome food and while my family generally eats this way, I know in my heart that the balance has slipped more towards convenience and extra treats than I’d like.

And so I have to ask myself: what could I do that will make me feel more in integrity with my values around feeding my family, while also acknowledging that I’m busy and don’t always have the time or inclination to cook?

Then, because I know that I’m working towards a better balance I can reassure myself when the tabloid ‘Bad Pizza Mum’ guilt rears its ugly head.

4. Get into your Queen PowerType.

One of the biggest surprises for me when I started working with the 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ was how effective being in the Queen PowerType is for the difficult moments of parenting.

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are the powerful role models we use at One of many to tap into our strongest feminine leadership, and the Queen is just one of them (the others are Warriroress, Sorceress, Lover and Mother).

A Queen just knows what to do. She leaves all the self-doubt and second guessing to others and calmly and confidently states what is needed in any particular situation.

And she doesn’t do guilt. She looks after her needs, is aligned to what she wants for herself and her family and knows what the right action is.

So when guilt strikes, stepping back and asking ‘What would a Queen do/say?’ is often enough to reassure yourself that what you are doing is the right thing.

When my children complain about not liking certain meals I cook, I can go into Queen, align myself with my values of health and vitality and calmly say ‘This is what is for dinner today.’ No drama. No guilt.

5. Let go of responsibility

This might sound weird for a mum, but honestly, if there is one thing I’ve learnt during my parenting journey it’s that we are not responsible for our children’s happiness.

As harsh as that sounds, it is not our job to manage their emotional well-being.

Obviously we do our best to be compassionate, caring, inclusive, loving, nurturing and all those wonderful qualities of Mother, especially when they are young.

We can encourage them along the way to managing their own emotions – but we only hold the space for their journey, and cannot force it to play out a certain way.

When we try to cajole, influence or control the well-being of others so that we can feel better it can be counter-productive. You can only lead with integrity, not force your family to follow you.

Next time you are feeling guilty ask yourself: ‘Is this my responsibility?’ Quite often the answer is no.

Are you simply feeling bad because, naturally, you don’t want your child to feel bad?

You are responsible to act in accordance to your highest values of behaviour (i.e. respect, love, enthusiasm, integrity etc.) and to the vision you have for your family.

How your children respond is not your responsibility, it’s their opportunity to learn and discover themselves.

My children are now 16, 14 and 11. They are old enough to know what foods are good for them and make their own decisions. I can teach, model and provide a balanced healthy diet but ultimately I have to gift them the responsibility to look after their own bodies and health.

I can also choose to acknowledge with compassion, that this letting go is sometimes scary, extremely annoying, fraught with arguments and mistakes on both sides, but that ultimately it’s what being a mother is all about.

Finally, it’s important to note that sometimes guilt is appropriate.

Maybe you’ve behaved in a way that wasn’t your best self. That’s OK. Guilt is there to prompt a response: to make amends, apologise or change a habit. But when guilt itself is a habit, linked to who you are, not to how you are behaving, it might be slipping into the arena of shame – which is not useful for parenting in any way (but that’s a whole other blog post..).

How about you?

Thea Jolly: How to get over mother guiltDo you experience “mother guilt”, or do you recognise some of what I’ve described here in your life outside of motherhood? We’d love to know your experience of guilt and whether you find these strategies effective when it comes to coming past it – leave a comment and let us know.

Thea is one of our Certified Women’s Coaches, and is an in-house coach on our Lead the Change and Be Powerful Programmes.

To find out more about Thea, click here. Or for a taste of her work, take the free Are You A Perfectionist quiz by clicking here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Can’t make a decision? Try this

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When you can’t make a decision the feeling of mounting pressure can be intense – and the impact of not taking action can be bigger than you think.

A while ago I coached a woman who absolutely hated her job. I mean, really hated it. She described herself as “feeling slowly suffocated” by the time she spent at work… and yet when we talked it through, she told me there were simply too many options.

  • Should she follow her passion for illustration and try to make it as an artist?
  • Should she create a business sharing the work of other illustrators, using her knowledge of the industry to support others?
  • Should she follow her other calling and become a coach?

The choice felt too tricky to make. And meanwhile, she was stuck in the same routine, spending her time in a place that she hated while she put off making the “wrong” decision.

If you can relate to that feeling of being stuck, I want to share a simple process that can help you. But first, let’s get clear about one thing.

Why make decisions faster?

There are some decisions that you clearly don’t want to rush. If you’re considering something like whether to remain in your marriage; uprooting your family to move halfway round the world; or taking on a massive investment in a renovation project, you’ll likely want to spend some time meditating on the best course of action.

But as a rule of thumb, the faster you’re able to make decisions, the more successful you’ll be.

That’s not because you’re necessarily choosing the best course of action every time. But whatever action you do take gives you feedback – even if it’s that “this isn’t working” – and the opportunity to course correct.

When you stop making decisions altogether, you’re losing that forward motion.

So instead of getting new and different feedback from each choice, you’re stuck in a loop of running over the same options, and the same potential outcomes, without getting anywhere.

Analysis paralysis

This is what we call being in “Analysis Paralysis”. It describes those times when you’re not just taking your time over a decision, but putting off making it all together.

When you’re in that place, the inertia and “stuckness” can start to creep into all kinds of other areas of your life.

  • It starts to chip away at your self esteem.
  • You begin to question yourself, and doubt your ability to make a choice.
  • And eventually, it can even spiral into depression or anxiety.

The faster we can make decisions, the faster we get feedback, the faster we know if we’re on the right path.

So how do you make a decision?

Whether you’re choosing between two options that seem equally good, or gritting your teeth to choose between options where nothing feels ideal, here’s a 5 step process to move you out of inertia and into action.

1. Call it what it is

You’ll know when you’ve moved from “weighing up options” and into paralysis – so be honest with yourself. After a certain amount of time, you’ll find you’ve tipped into a place where it’s no longer about making the “right” decision as making any decision.

Maybe you’ve just set up your own coaching business and you’re trying to decide what to launch with.

Should you offer a group program, one-on-one coaching, or host an event? The reality is, after a while, you’ll get to a point where leaving the decision any longer is going to wind up with you broke.

Doing nothing isn’t an option.

You’re stuck in analysis paralysis – and it’s time to move on to step 2.

2. Get into the right state

We use the 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ to inspire the most powerful versions of ourselves, and the PowerType connected to decision making is the Queen.

When you connect to the Queen PowerType you’re accessing a specific set of resources that will enable you to swiftly take action without second-guessing yourself.

The Queen is serene, decisive, and she’s also visionary: she sees the big picture, and she’s clear. She knows that decisions need to be made, and she also knows they can be difficult.

What’s powerful about the Queen when it comes to decisions is that she’s connected to her logic – she wants to gather all the information that she needs – but she also trusts her intuition to steer her right. Above all, she wants the best for everyone she cares about.

How can you connect to Queen energy? Try thinking about the qualities I’ve described here – is there someone you know, in real life or a public figure, who exemplifies them? What would your posture look like if you were the Queen? How would you look at this issue that’s got you foxed?

If you’d like more inspiration for accessing the Queen, click here to download Life’s Little Toolkit. Along with our favourite resources to help you meet life’s challenges, it contains a guide to all 5 Women’s PowerTypes and some playlists to help you connect to their essences.

3. Ask “what do I know in my heart?”

Once you’re in that Queen energy, ask yourself what you know in your heart.

Sometimes, when it feels as though you’re stuck, it’s because although you know what course of action you should take, you just don’t want to. Maybe it’ll make someone angry or upset someone, even though you know it’s the right thing to do.

Listen for the answer and list out everything you do know in your heart.

One of the biggest ways you can get stuck in decision making is when you start to focus on everything you don’t know.

So shift your focus. Write down everything you DO know about the situation, and trust yourself, as the Queen, to be able to use this when you move forward.

4. Ask “Do I have enough information to make this decision?”

The Queen is happy to make decisions; she knows it’s for the good of everyone in her realm. But she won’t make one unless she has all the information she needs.

Maybe you’re missing a key piece of information that would allow you to make a final choice. If that’s the case, work out what’s missing and take steps to get all the details you need.

It’s not about getting tangled in endless research! Work out what you need to know, and commit to taking action once you have it.

5. Now, make a decision

You’ve connected to Queen energy.

You’re clear on what you know in your heart.

And you’ve made sure you have all the information you need to make your choice.

Now is the time to move into action.

But because this is the part you’ve been avoiding, you might experience a bit of resistance here – what if you make the wrong decision?

Here’s the good news: once you’ve got stuck in analysis paralysis, in most cases there is no longer a “right” decision. The impact of being locked in procrastination and not going anywhere means that ANY action you take is going to improve things.

If you discover that the choice you’ve made doesn’t work out, that’s useful feedback that will allow you to course correct and move onto something else. But you won’t get that until you move into action.

So the woman I was coaching didn’t need to waste her time trying to predict exactly what she should do when she left her job. Having gone back and forth about what to do, the right decision was simply to take action and leave the job that was draining her.

Whatever comes next, trust that you’ll be able to handle it. Whilst every option remains hypothetical, it’s impossible to know how it will pan out or what the “best” step is.

What are you in analysis paralysis about? What are your challenges and how are you going to move forward? Let us know in the comments – let’s celebrate moving into action!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When to say no to your boss

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

You know you have to say no if you’re going to make progress on what you’re actually trying to achieve at work. But one of the most challenging times to uphold your boundaries can be when the request you’re declining comes from your boss, a client, or someone else in a position of authority. You respect them, you have a role to respond to the tasks they ask of you, and you probably work with them pretty closely. So when is it appropriate to turn down what’s being asked of you? How do you know when to say no to your boss?

When to say no to your boss

Of course, there are some clear situations when it’s definitely necessary to say no. If you’re being asked to do something illegal, unethical or immoral, for example, most of us would feel pretty confident in taking the right course of action and letting them know that’s not okay.

But what if your “no” is more of a grey area? If you’re saying no to something because you have too many other things on your plate, for example, or because there’s something happening at home that’s impacting your capacity to absorb extra tasks?

Here are 3 times when it’s good to say no

Say no before you’re overwhelmed

If you’re someone who’s motivated by feeling helpful and getting approval from those in senior positions, it can be easy to find yourself saying “yes” to every request that comes your way.

The trouble with that approach is that eventually, it all tends to mount up on top of you. 

The pressure builds until, whether through sickness, burnout or overwhelm, you can find yourself at breaking point. That’s when you have no choice but to say “no” because you’re simply not able to function any more.

If you notice the signs of burnout appearing, or you’re starting to feel overwhelmed, anxious or unwell, it’s time to say no to some of the things on your plate.

“It’s fine for you to ask me to do extra things but I’m going to have to say no to some of them. I’ve been doing a lot lately, and I need some time to recharge right now.”

Say no when you’re replenished

If you’re asked to do something that feels as though it might not be possible, it’s OK not to respond straight away. It sounds obvious but it can make a huge difference to your judgment, and the way you convey your response. Let the person know that you need some time to see if you can accommodate them, and that you’ll get back to them.

“I have a lot on right now – I’ll see if I can fit this in and get back to you.”

Seeing that you’re taking the time to consider a request is reassuring to the person asking. It shows you take your commitments seriously, and that you value completing the tasks you do competently.

Take some time to have a drink, eat if you’re hungry, go to the loo or take a few deep breaths. You’ll find it easier to convey the reasons for your “no” more clearly when you’re filled up rather than running on empty.

Say no when you’re clear on your priorities

When you’re someone who’s competent and capable it’s easy to become the office “go-to” for all kinds of requests. After all, you:

handled that challenging client…

unblocked the photocopier…

formulated the perfect wording… so beautifully before, right?

If it’s a task you love, you might be happy to say yes. (If you’re thinking of shifting your career, for example, it can be great development to have the opportunity to experiment with tasks outside your normal role).

But if it’s something that’s way outside your remit, and you know the person is asking because they think you’ll say yes rather than because it’s your job, then ask yourself if what they’re asking really fits with your priorities. Is this part of the difference you’re here to make to the team or the business?

“I’m focusing on [Big Goal] right now, and that’s my main priority. So I can’t help with  [request] today.”

Framing your no with reference to your shared goals is a powerful way to remind others that your time is just as important as theirs. If they’re persistent, let them know what you’ll need to re-prioritise in order to help them out: so they’re absolutely clear on the impact their request will have.

Say no whenever you want

You’re a grown woman, and it goes without saying that you can absolutely say no to whoever you want, whenever you want. You don’t need my, or anyone else’s permission for that.

But if you want your “no” to be powerful, effective and impactful – and not to burn bridges or hurt feelings – then it’s worth thinking about how you express it.

When did you last say “no”, and how was it received? Did you learn anything from the experience: either strategies you’d use in future, or something you’d definitely avoid? Share your experience in the comments.

Want to say no with confidence and be respected every time?

Enough is Enough is our free guide to creating unshakeable boundaries and reclaiming your space. Click here to download your free copy.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to ask for help without being needy

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever got to the point of total overwhelm and exhaustion… not because you didn’t have the support around you, but because you just didn’t know how to ask for help?

I had one particularly memorable meltdown after spending the day with a new team member. Ironically, this amazing woman was someone I’d hired to take the pressure off me!

But I’d probably left it a little late to start to delegate… and by the end of a full day of training and induction, I was experiencing that “frog in boiling water” thing. You know – where you don’t realize how much the stress is building up because it increases little by little, incrementally, until you’re at breaking point.

Once I’d calmed down and looked back at all the triggers that had finally got on top of me, I realized that I’d been doing a whole lot of supporting of the others all around me, and not getting the support I needed. And I had only myself to blame.

Sound familiar?

I had a whole crew of super competent people ready to help me. But I’d fallen into the habit of thinking that I didn’t want to bother my incredibly supportive – but also incredibly busy – team with things. So I ended up doing more and more, and eventually something had to give – and that something was me.

Maybe you can relate. You might also be someone who finds it really, really hard to ask for help – even when there are plenty of people who’d be happy to give you a boost when you need it.

Why it’s hard to ask for help

Strong, independent women often share a huge fear – that of being “needy”. After all, we make things happen for ourselves.

Even if you’re not a business owner you probably do have a team, by which I simply mean people who are willing to help you out: it could be an assistant, a childminder, or even just someone who gives you a hand with the ironing once a week. It might be your best friend, your partner or your mum.

But actually asking for that help brings us into conflict with the ‘superwoman’ part of us that sees receiving help as a sign of weakness.

There’s a vulnerability that comes with asking for help that seems deep-wired into our psychology, and that can stop us from reaching out to let other people know what we need.

Perhaps you resist delegating because, deep down, you don’t trust other people to do as good a job as you do.

Or you think it’ll take just as long to teach someone else to do it… so even relatively unimportant jobs linger on your ever-growing list of things to do.

Whatever your reasons for going it alone, the bottom line is all of us have a finite amount of time. Asking for help is essential if you’re going to make the difference you want to – and avoid burnout.

Help is closer than you think

Most successful women know we need to get help. “I know I need a new PA” we tell our partners for the fourteenth time. “I should ask Helen to help me update my resume…” we muse over after work drinks.

And yet, our fear of being seen as needy and our discomfort with receiving help gets in our way. Plus, what if someone says no? In fact, you’re actually much more likely to receive the help you want than you think.

One study by Cornell University found that we underestimate the likelihood of people helping us by a whopping 48% – in other words, people are almost twice as likely to help you than you imagine.

So, deep down you’re pretty sure you need support, and you’re much more likely to get it than you imagine when you do ask. How can you get over the hump and access the help you need?

The PowerTypes answer

Here at One of many we use 5 Womens PowerTypes™ to guide us to our most powerful form of leadership. These powerful models of feminine power each have specific strengths we can draw on when we need to – and it’s the PowerType of Queen we connect to when we want to practice the art of receiving.

Think about Queen Elizabeth, receiving a brave explorer who brought her a treasure from a far off land. Did she tell him “Oh no, you shouldn’t have bothered… I couldn’t possibly accept that?”

No. She receives his gift graciously. Fully in her power, she thanks him for the trouble he has gone to – and he receives that thanks as his reward. A cycle is created, where both parties benefit.

The act of receiving help graciously is, also, a gift.

When we don’t know how to receive help gracefully, our discomfort can sabotage the arrangement we’ve made. We find some way to unravel it: we don’t say thank you to our friend for the favour they’ve done and they get upset… we hire a PA and after 3 months we stop wanting to bother them. The work piles up, and you might even doubt their competence, when in reality what’s happened is your inner superwoman has kicked in.

(Unlike the Queen, Superwoman hates asking for help, which means she’s terrible at receiving.)

If you’ve been wearing your Superwoman cape more than your crown lately, here are 4 steps to asking for help without being needy

1. Start by recognizing that help is fundamental to the success of your business, family and community

There’s a lot at stake here. Consider what you provide for your children, your relationship, your team members, your community.

The work you provide for other subcontractors and service providers.

Given all that, can you see that taking care of your wellbeing is an absolute MUST? If you are not being energetically supported, and opening it up to others, then your wellbeing diminishes, and eventually it stops. So being fully supported wherever you need is a vital part of your work in the world.

2. Be specific about how you ask

What would be most useful to you? Rather than “I need help with this presentation”, think about what would make the most difference.

Do you want someone to read through your slides, to spend an hour as you run through what you want to say, or to give you feedback on the overall message?

Do you need your PA to block out time in your diary for you to get stuck into writing, send a quick “got your message” response to someone who’s waiting for an email, or take ownership of the sales spreadsheet you’re forever behind with updating?

It’s much easier for people to give you a clear answer to a specific offer – or to refer you to someone who they know will be able to help.

And when you do ask, don’t pre-empt a no

The data is clear – we’re much more likely to get a “yes” to a request than we imagine. So don’t fall into the trap of assuming it’ll be a no, or weighing down the request by saying things like “I know this is a total pain” or “You’re probably way too busy for this…”

Try thinking about how you feel when someone asks you for a hand. Most likely, you’re happy to help out – or, if you can’t, to say a polite “no”. The same probably goes for your friends, family and colleagues.

Focus on the difference it would make in a positive way – “This would save me loads of time” or “It would really make me feel less anxious to know you were there” and you’ll help the person you’re asking feel great about saying yes too.

3. Step into your Queen – and receive graciously

When you’re in the mindset of the Queen, the help you receive is a gift. It might be a great piece of advice from your accountant, a loving hug from your partner, or the person delivering your groceries.… whenever anyone is doing something to help you out, don’t push them away. Be gracious, be serene, be open to receiving. The way you graciously receive is, in turn, a gift to the giver.

A door being opened, being helped with your luggage, some hand-me-down toys from the neighbours, a smile from a stranger – every little gift you receive activates the archetype of the queen. And the more you receive, the more you will attract gifts into your life – it’s a deeply powerful practice.

It sounds obvious, but turning around the paradigm of doing everything ourselves takes all of us to play our part. Be open about the help you need, and generous with the ways you can help other people. By modelling what it’s like to give and receive help generously, you’ll help those around you break free from superwoman too.

Want to explore the Queen further?

If you’d like to learn more about the Women’s PowerTypes™, including a full description and a playlist of music that can help you tap into the energy of the Queen, download the “Life’s Little Toolkit”. As well as our favourite resources to stop worrying and beat overwhelm, it contains a guide to the Womens PowerTypes™ and suggestions for music to help you embody each one. Click here to access your FREE Toolkit now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: How to build inner confidence

By

Helen Reynolds
Follow Helen

Helen Reynolds

Image Consultant | Professional Shopper | Blogger | Mum of two boys | Sock Washer |Confidence Booster
Helen Reynolds
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Latest posts by Helen Reynolds (see all)

Equipping you with the tools you need to go out and make positive change happen is our number one goal. And one vital tool that we could all do with a bit more of is confidence – the kind that lights us up from the inside.

As a gender, on average, we are far less confident than the average man. Lower confidence levels mean that we are far less likely to take the brave, crucial, and damn difficult, first steps needed to make the progress that our world needs.

How to build inner confidence

Why is this? Well, there is lots in the mixing pot, from our likelihood of suffering from imposter syndrome, to the effect of the media and the way we beat ourselves up about not being ‘perfect’ enough.

Sadly, it’s a fact that the way we feel about how we look impacts the level of confidence we have. If you aren’t happy with how you look on the outside, especially if you don’t feel that the clothes you wear truly represents the you on the inside, it can monkey with your confidence.

If you’ve ever had that horrible sensation of not ‘looking the part’ you know that it can prevent you from having the courage to ask for a promotion, get out and meet people, or take on a job that involves regular board meetings or speaking engagements. This is wrong, but it’s also fact.

Having ‘What the heck am I going to wear today?’ squared away FOR LIFE means having one less thing to worry about, and brings with it the confidence of knowing that you always look authentically yourself.

So, how to get this sorted?

Well, when Jo wanted to deal with this herself she asked me for my help. And today I want to share the advice I gave her – and my other clients – when it came to creating a signature style that would really help her to have the biggest impact.

I’ve created this video to help you learn how to develop a ‘personal style’ that reflects your personality and makes choosing the right outfit for the right occasion effortless.

You’ll discover:

• Why some clothes, no matter how nice or expensive they are, make you feel terrible.
• The 3 steps you can take today to figure out your personal style.
• How to get your image sorted for life, so that you can get on with everything else!

Here it is….

 

There’s something truly empowering about knowing that you look the best version of yourself, without having to resort to spending a fortune, or slavishly following fashion.

So you can carry on being the leader you are here to be.

 

About Helen Reynolds

Helen Reynolds: How to build inner confidenceHelen Reynolds is one of our BeFruitful mentors, and works personally with Jo to put together her powerful outfits for the stage.

As an image consultant she’s helped hundreds of women to turbo-boost their personal style and develop killer confidence. Her speciality is in helping women who have lost their way with style and need a boost find clothes they love – and which love them back.

Time to get your style sorted?

If you’d like an easy way to get this stuff sorted out, and learn more, why not join Helen at her ‘Get Your Style Sorted!’ Masterclass in London on 12th of May. Helen has been running this annual event for the past five years and plenty of women in our community have attended.

Not only is it a great day out, but you’ll come away knowing the fundamental lessons that you need to create a personal style for yourself. Having this stuff nailed takes the stress out of shopping and ends wondering what to wear FOR LIFE.

To get £27 off the usual ticket price (and bring a friend for half price!) click here to book your ticket.

This will be an awesome day out, and a fantastic opportunity to spend some time on yourself in the company of great women, so, don’t miss out on the opportunity to get your style sorted!

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What are good money habits?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

In my work I’ve met many women who have made and grown wealth for themselves and their families. And as I’ve talked to them about how they created and sustained that wealth, I’ve noticed certain patterns. So many of us many of us didn’t grow up with strong role models of how to create wealth. Maybe you’d like to make more money, but you’re unsure: What are good money habits?

Very few of the wealthy women I spend time with didn’t wake up one morning with a huge number in their bank accounts, and then learn how to manage that money. Instead, they developed strong financial skills which led to the wealth they enjoy. Financial skills spring out of good money habits. As part of our 10-Week Wealth Turnaround we focus on 10 good money habits. I’ve picked off 5 of these that can implement no matter what the balance in your account right now. So, as you read this today, think: which of these will you implement first? Let us know how you go in the comments!

What are good money habits? 5 starting points to get your money working for you

1. Millionaire women know why

The really wealthy women I know are always clear on one key thing: the answer to the question WHY?

And the answer has a couple of parts.

First they understand WHY they are in the financial position they are in. They take ownership of the good decisions and bad decisions they have made. They bring consciousness to every spending, saving and investing decision.

The second part of the answer to “Why?” is the WHY they’re BUILDING that wealth. When it comes to earning, managing and multiplying their money, they have a clear vision for their money. They know what’s important to them, perhaps their family, their business or their desire to give to the causes that really matter to them. No matter what they have something fuelling and driving their desire to grow wealth, beyond “I just want more money.”

Action: Set aside twenty minutes to journal your WHY when it comes to money. Answer the following questions:

  1. Why are you in the financial position you are in. What good choices have you made, and what not good choices have you made?
  2. What do you want money for?
  3. What would life be like if you were receiving the kind of income you want?
  4. Why is money important to you – does it represent approval, stability, security, power or freedom, for example?
2. Millionaire women are accountable

We’re talking about money habits, but accountability starts with taking responsibility for our own power. The millionaire women I know are really clear about where they put their energy. They don’t lay blame, justify, or make excuses when it comes to their results. If they want things to be different, they take responsibility for making the changes that are needed.

They’re also accountable to others around them, answerable to any promises they’re making.

Finally, they’re accountable in the more usual sense of their financial accounts. They know what’s going in and what’s coming out when it comes to their money.

When we look at the stages of wealth, accountability is one of the key ways we move from financial instability to a place of financial stability. So if right now you’re not sure whether you’ll be up or down financially from month to month- the first and most important habit you need to implement is the habit of accountability.

Action: It can take a few hours to get a clear picture of your finances, so make time for it. Schedule a coffee date with yourself to get really clear on where things are: your debts, savings, and what’s coming in and out for the month. Getting a clear picture of where you are is essential if you’re to start steering your financial ship in the direction you want to be going.

3. Millionaire women manage their money effectively

This habit probably doesn’t come as a surprise – after all, we’re talking about women who are millionaires. They know how to manage their money effectively to make sure that they’re creating the financial future they want.

You might have read things like this before and thought: “Fine, I need to be ‘effective’ – but what does that actually MEAN?”. Well, at the very least, it’s about allocating something towards your financial future every single month – making that a part of the work your money does however much you earn right now.

In the great book The Millionaire Woman Next Door Thomas Stanley shares that 68% of millionaire women know exactly how much they spend every month on living: mortgage, fuel, food etc. They are brilliant budgeters. Of the other 32%, the “non-budgeters”, they make a commitment to INVEST money first each month and then only spend what is left over.

Either way millionaire women organise the money they have, and routinely put some aside to invest (not save) for the future.

One of the biggest mistakes I see women making is thinking that they’ll start to invest their money when they’re making “enough”. Most of us will never grow the kind of wealth we want without a commitment to investment right from the start. Just telling ourselves we’ll invest what’s left over isn’t sufficient. We must start the investing habit first. Creating your financial future means becoming conscious of the flow of money through your accounts. When we start to plan for the future immediately, we open up the amount of focus we give our financial future. So even if its $1 a month, starting the habit of investing in the future is the crucial step.

This is how we start to become truly conscious of our finances.

Action: Are you confident you understand the flow of money in your life? If you’re not really clear on how much you’re earning or spending, go back to the previous step – getting a clear picture of your finances is essential before you move into actively managing your money. Once you understand what’s coming in and out, you can start looking at what you want to invest in your future. Even if it’s only a small amount at first, this habit is one that will pay off in the long term. How much will you commit to investing monthly?

4. Millionaire women get their money working for them

In a culture which encourages us to continually spend, spend, spend, the millionaire women I know don’t only play the role of consumers in the marketplace. They’re in the habit of seeing themselves as creators of opportunity.

That means thinking of money as a way that we can make things happen for ourselves and for others, not just through our spending but through our investments. Investors see their money as a way of creating opportunities, whether that’s through property, the stock market, becoming a partner in a business, or something else.

Action: What would you like your money to do if it was working for you, instead of the other way round? Brainstorm a few priorities to investigate further, if this isn’t a part of your current finances.

Not sure where to start? Move on to habit 5 – it might be time to make some financial education your first investment.

5. Millionaire women educate themselves

If we start early enough in life, and have the right level of income, simply saving part of what we earn could possibly lead to wealth. But for most of us, creating the wealth we want to requires a little more. Usually our money needs to work a little harder than your average savings plan allows, to really provide for a financial future.

Most of us aren’t born knowing this stuff, so the first step is education to learn how to get our money working harder than a 0.5% annual interest rate in a bank!

Action: When it comes to finances, what do you wish you knew more about? Real estate investing? Stocks? Precious metals? What interests you to learn more about? Do a quick bit of reading today. Great authors on the subject are:

Rebecca Robertson of Evolution Financial Planning.

Gill Fielding of Fielding Financial.

Barbara Huson of Barbara-Huson.com, Author of one of my favourite books on financial power for women “Sacred Success”

Wealth Insights is our own half-day foray into reclaiming your power when it comes to money, and really increasing your wealth. Click here for upcoming events.

The bottom line when it comes to creating good money habits

At One of many we believe wealth is one of the most important areas of women’s power, and we’re on a mission to empower every woman in our community to create and manage the wealth she wants.

Do you recognise these habits in yourself? Is one of them a particular challenge for you, or an area where you have a tip to share for someone else? Let us know in the comments – your experience might be just what another woman needs to read today.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What the hell is empowerment?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Empowerment – What the hell is empowerment? We hear this word so often in today’s world, in the workplace, in all the self-development talk but can we really relate to it? Do we know what it actually means to us?

Ask yourself this:
What does it mean to be empowered? Or

What does being an empowered woman feel like?

For that matter- have I ever felt it?!

What the hell is this empowerment thing?

Sometimes the problem is in the definition. How we define things will either make them easy for us to experience, or difficult to experience.

So first, let’s take a moment to explore what empowerment is not.

Let me introduce you to her sister DISEMPOWERMENT – She’s the complete opposite of her stronger, cheerleader of a sister. Disempowerment can be characterised by the space you find yourself in when you’re not feeling your best.

We define it as “when you want or need to take a certain path of action but don’t because of internal stop signs”

Disempowerment can be a great big brick wall standing between you and your natural power.

What do I mean by internal stop signs?

These are reasons, the justifications and yes as uncomfortable as it is, the excuses that we tell ourselves which lead to inaction. It might result in procrastination or that feeling of just not being able to make that breakthrough.

Stop signs are the little voices that say icky stuff like:

  • I can’t do that.
  • I don’t have the time.
  • I can’t afford it.
  • I don’t have the right skills.

Now, please don’t get me wrong we all have these thoughts from time to time especially when we’re not at our best.

They are often absolutely 100% valid reasons and objections. “Look at my bank account” you might say, “I don’t have any money! Its not an excuse, it’s the truth.”

And while I get it. I also don’t buy it.

Stick with me on this – I promise I’ll explain without you stamping your feet and saying “She has no idea!!”

Let’s take a look at an example of what disempowerment can look like in action or should I say inaction!

Say hello to Suzie…

Suzie has been a stay at home mum for some time but her children are growing up fast and she feels that now is HER time to do something for herself, to get back in touch with the workplace and start up her own bookkeeping business.

She’s excited about this next chapter in her life. She knows what she needs to do – there’s a night class bookkeeping course running at a local college and YET she’s made no move to enrol – What’s holding her back? You got it, those darn stop signs!

Suzie is feeling disempowered because every time she thinks she’ll enrol she comes up with

  • “We can’t afford it“
  • “I don’t have child-care“
  • “I don’t have the car Tuesdays“
  • “I’m the one that does everything“
  • “I won’t have the time, no-one ever helps me!“
  • “Who’ll cook the dinner?“

This kind of thinking is never going to empower Suzie into action.

All these reasons are driving her lack of empowerment.

They are keeping her stuck in a rut and holding her back from unleashing her creativity, her innovation, her effectiveness.

You see, there’s way too many examples out there of women who may have not had the money, the upbringing, the privilege, the opportunity to do something they wanted to do. But because they had a vision- they still found a way to MAKE it happen.

That’s empowerment.

Let’s look at it another way…

Here at One of many™, we work with archetypes to understand empowerment.

  1. The empowering 5 Women’s PowerTypes™:
    • the Warrioress,
    • the Lover,
    • the Mother,
    • the Queen
    • and the Sorceress
  2. And the disempowering ones of
    • the Bitch,
    • the Martyr
    • and the Victim.

It’s these latter three archetypes that are responsible for those stop signs. They can often be found blaming others, feeling like it’s them against the whole world or the whole world is against them!

They are unhelpful, unsupportive and totally disempowering.

So, how can we be empowered?

Step 1: Ditch the bitch! or whatever disempowering archetype is your poison of choice. Take notice of the part of you that surfaces when you’re feeling less than your best, lacking in confidence or fearful.

Step 2: Tap into the supportive and resilient energy one of your PowerTypes™ – there’s one for every situation!

You don’t have to choose between being a bitch or a martyr – choose to be a Queen.

The Queen PowerType™ is the perfect choice for empowerment. She holds a powerful vision for her future, she is decisive, resilient and not afraid to delegate or ask for support.

Let’s go back to Suzie for a moment – What would it look like if she chose to access to her Queen PowerType™, and ask “What would my Queen do?”

Well, it would probably go something like this…

  • “We can’t afford it“: She’d see the course as an investment in her future. She’d apply for an increase to the credit limit on her card, or draw down on the mortgage, or borrow from her mum, or sell all the old baby furniture cluttering up the garage. She’d get creative about where the money IS and how she can access it to provide a better future for herself and her family.
  • “I don’t have child-care“: She’d get creative in conversations with her husband, her neighbour, the 13 yo next door, she’d look at online courses she can do from home…
  • “I don’t have the car Tuesdays“: She’d look up buses, borrow a bike,
  • “I’m the one that does everything“: She’d ignore this little commentary from the Martyr, and set up a rota so everyone helps out.
  • “I won’t have the time, no-one ever helps me!“: She’ll get her diary out and take control of her time, she’ll ask for the help she needs.
  • “Who’ll cook the dinner?“: She’ll realise that no-one ever died from one microwave meal a week!

How different does that look? – How empowering!

You can almost feel the uprush of “make sh!t happen” energy that comes on the tail of being her Queen.

So just how can we recognise empowerment?

An empowered individual is someone who can access their internal resources to empower themselves.

They are resilient and can easily switch into problem-solving mode when faced with a challenge.

They are able to seek out or build a supportive network to help them to achieve goals and overcome setbacks.

Have you ever been “disempowered” in relationship to a challenge you’ve had, and then shifted your thinking to come up with creative solutions? Share in the comments. Let’s all inspire one another with stories of our own empowerment.

Who knows – your share here could change someone’s life!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What are the Women’s PowerTypes™?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Depending on how long you’ve been with us you may or may not be aware of one of the central tools in our work – the Women’s PowerTypes™.

Allow me to explain a little…

For far too long the only way we have thought we can be taken seriously and get results in the world is to behave like Superwoman. Strong, capable, dominating, often frantic, inefficient, scary…

She is the one responsible for our burn out, our relationship issues, and our lack of joy.

So if being Superwoman isn’t the answer, what is?

Allow me to introduce The Women’s Powertypes™

We believe we need a new kind of power to be the leaders the world needs us to be.

We need a new kind of power to lead the fulfilling lives we want to lead.

A power grounded in collaboration, not competition. A power of co-operation not coercion. A power centred in replenishment not depletion.

At One of many™ we call this new power, “soft power”.

And because so few of us have role models of this way of being, we use the Women’s PowerTypes™ to serve as our inspiration and guides.

Work with the PowerTypes™ and you will not only be strong and effective, but also true to the softer aspects of your nature.

You’ll be taken seriously, without having to take yourself so seriously.

You’ll achieve more, without burning yourself out.

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ we work with are: the Warrioress, the Lover, the Mother, the Queen and the Sorceress.

Let me explain each of them a little for you, and perhaps you can start to hear which may be your Primary PowerType™.

The Warrioress

Energetic and youthful, the Warrioress is characterized by her commitment to fighting for justice. Like the mythical Amazonian woman, she’s courageous, independent and quick to act. With the strength of a tigress she looks after her own. Others admire her raw energy, but she can be hard to keep up with.

She leads through cause & participation

As a leader you will find her standing alongside her fellow teammates, with her sleeves rolled up, getting involved. She leads by example, often by being the best, or most dedicated and others run to keep up with her.

The Lover

The Lover is characterised not just by her sensuality and sexuality, but by her enjoyment of emotion, feeling and a love of life itself. She’s the source of life, of creativity. She relishes in the exploration of the world through her five senses, and delights in giving and receiving pleasure in all domains. She is the centre of our own self-care and knows how to take care of herself, and not burn out.

She leads through invitation & appreciation.

Rarely denied, as a leader the Lover is captivating and magnetic. Her invitations hold the promise of a rich experience and she is thus able to tempt others to coming on board with her. She showers her team with gifts, appreciation and experiences that delight the senses. People follow her because they love her.

The Mother

A woman does not need to have children to have a robust Mother PowerType. Always available to provide a space of safety, warmth and solace, the Mother is where we all go for nurture and nourishment. She is patient and kind, mothering not just her children, but all children and the planet. She is always looking to bring out the best in others. She will sometimes sacrifice her own needs for those she identifies as her family. She is centred in the earth energy of late summer.

She leads through love & encouragement

As a leader the mother uses gentle encouragement, teaching and coaching as her tools of choice. She patiently works to bring out the best in every member of her team, certain in the knowledge that everyone’s contribution is valuable and important. She looks to the wellbeing of her team, and supports them to take care of themselves.

The Queen

Comfortable in leadership and certain of her place in the world, the Queen epitomises grace and dignity. She is deeply committed to her realm, and holds a clear vision for what she desires for those in it. People are fiercely dedicated to her vision, and will often lay down their lives in the service of her ideals.

She leads through vision & inspiration

Perhaps the most obvious “leader” PowerType the Queen is happy to be in charge and have the final say. She inspires loyalty, service and dedication not because of who she is, but because of the powerful vision she holds for the team. People are driven to provide for her needs, as she holds the space for greatness for all. She provides unbiased guidance and sanction, order and structure. Her team members will often work beyond their own limits to provide for the vision, and exhaustion and burnout can ensue.

The Sorceress

Connected to a higher power, the Sorceress knows that magic and miracles happen in the every day. She understands and works with the bridge between the seen and unseen. She’s highly innovative, and facilitates transformation. She is naturally curious, searching for information, wisdom and knowledge. She is a master of her chosen technologies. She enjoys her own company and her daily life abounds with ritual.

She leads through faith & wisdom.

With her belief that “everything is possible”, her team admire her magical abilities to see solutions, or come up with new ideas. She always has the right piece of knowledge and knows just how to apply it. Because of her deep understanding and connection, her team will follow her advice and defer to her wisdom. She works powerfully with the energies between team members knowing that the energy of the group ultimately impacts the outcome.

Which Women’s PowerType Are You?

Ever since we started teaching these Women’s PowerTypes™, women have been asking “which one am I?” Well- the good news is you can now find out!

We have developed a comprehensive profiling tool so that you can discover which PowerTypes™ you’re great at, and which you’re, well, not so great at (and why that’s important…)

What’s more, we’ve created a three-part mini-training to help you debrief your profile and understand the significance of your personal PowerType™ makeup to your work, your relationships, your health and vitality.

Discover your unique personal and leadership strengths with our brand new Women’s PowerTypes™ Profile.

The Women’s PowerType™ Profile is just One of many tools we have created to help unleash your bold and courageous leadership.

And that all starts with understanding your potential.

 

Discover your true path to bold and effective leadership by taking the Women’s PowerType™ Profile test today.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.