Susie Heath, Author at One of Many

2 needs that define 2020

October 9, 2020 By Susie Heath

All of us have needs in our lives. And in relationships, we learn to balance our needs with those of someone else – so that we can feel we’re being supported, and be there for others in turn. Two specific needs have been deeply tested this year in particular.

If you’re in a relationship, knowing which one of these matters most to your partner can be hugely insightful when it comes to challenges you might have been facing as a couple.

If you’re single, understanding which is important to you can help you navigate what’s coming with even greater grace.

So today I want to explore what these two important needs are, and how you can find ways to meet them.

Need #1: Certainty

We can define this need as “The ability to feel certain in advance as to what is likely to happen now and in the future.” Hmm… not exactly a defining feature of recent months!

With certainty comes a level of confidence as we learn how life works, are able to express ourselves more easily in the world, and are able to achieve our desires.

If certainty is one of your top needs then safety and security are very important to you. So people whose top priority is certainty will do everything in their power to ensure that very little changes.

For example, they may…

Work to a budget
Stay in the same job even if they hate it
Go on holiday to the same place each year
Repeat the same habits day in day out,
Keep the house the same way (either immaculately tidy or in organised chaos)
Choose the same haircut,
Wear the same style of clothes
Hate surprises,
Get thrown if their routine is disrupted
Seldom step out of their comfort zone.

Are you someone who values certainty above all else?

Or do you know someone in your life who does?

How has 2020 impacted you or your partner when it comes to your need to feel certain? Perhaps periods of strict regulation and even lockdown have felt strangely reassuring, as you repeat the same routines every day – but constantly moving plans around, and ever-changing guidance has really derailed your sense of stability.

How to bring greater certainty into your life

If this describes your partner, then rather than be judgmental about them, think of this as a road map which helps you to understand why they operate in this way. The more you can give them reassurance, the happier and more relaxed they will be. Without it, all their fears come up to the surface.

If you’re the one who values certainty, consider ways you can bring more stability into your life. What small practices could you introduce to bring a feeling of control and steadiness into your world, despite the wider uncertainty? Share your ideas in the comments.

For some of us however, the downside of too much certainty is that we start to become bored, uncomfortable and stuck, because we need the opposite of certainty to provide stimulation to help us grow. Which leads us to the second

Need #2: Uncertainty or Variety.

This is where taking risks comes in, where we dare to challenge the status quo. We actively create more excitement and variety which make life worthwhile, where we open ourselves to new experiences to bring out new qualities in ourselves.

When faced with a challenge, most people run back to the area they are most comfortable in. But a combination of certainty and uncertainty generates growth as we search for answers in as yet unknown territory. This is where we explore who we have the possibility of becoming.

People who love uncertainty and variety are the risk-takers. These tend to be the entrepreneurs, the creative people, artists in different genres.

They may…

Play the stock market
Challenge the elements with sailing, skiing and diving
Change their jobs frequently
Be willing to step right out of their comfort zone
Hate routine
Argue just for the sake of it to see what will happen,
Love surprises
Go away on holiday on a whim without planning, who are spontaneous.
Be untidy and then enjoy blitzing the place and making it look fantastic
Move furniture around in the house to break with conformity.

When they have conquered a challenge, they become certain about it – so they have to stretch their boundaries even more to explore further. This is where extreme sports and outrageous behaviours can come in.

The downside of uncertainty and variety is the inability to be happy with where one is. These people may find “settling down” and commitment somewhat of a challenge unless lots of variety is built in.

Who do you know who is like this?

Is uncertainty or variety a top need for you?

How have the challenges of this year impacted your need for change? Perhaps you’ve found the need to pivot and adapt energising, even exciting – but struggled with a lack of freedom, travel restrictions, or the need to obey rules.

If this is your partner what can you do to help fulfil their need for variety? It doesn’t have to be extreme – you will be surprised what you can do to satisfy this need.

If it’s you, how can you introduce novelty and difference to your life? Perhaps there’s a new form of creativity to explore, a different way to exercise, or a new area near your home you can get to know. Learning new skills or researching a topic can also help you find that edge of learning and growth.

Your needs and your relationships

Most couples inevitably experience conflict and misunderstanding in their intimate relationships. But once you understand your partner’s core needs, you will be able to go some way towards fulfilling them.

And once you understand your own needs, you’re far more able to ask for them to be met with the help of your partner. In turn this will lead to a more conscious and enlightened relationship.

When you realise the importance of this, it also helps you to make a more conscious choice when selecting a partner, and also to realise why a previous relationship may not have been fulfilling.

How about you?

Does looking at your recent experience through this lens help you understand some of the challenges you’ve been facing? How could you support your loved ones, and ask them to support you, when it comes to balancing uncertainty and change?

We’d love to know what you think. Share your experience in the comments – and forward this article to anyone you think might find it helpful.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

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How to be present in your relationship

May 28, 2020 By Susie Heath

One of the worst things in a relationship is feeling lonely, despite being with another person. Sadly, it’s a common enough experience for many couples, especially during these times of unexpected strain. It’s often one of those things that creeps up surreptitiously, until it is almost too late. So here are a few ways to be present in your relationship – and why it matters so much.

Why knowing how to be present in your relationship is vital

When we lose presence with our partner, we might experience some of the following things:

Sexual attraction begins to diminish
Your self-esteem falters
You lose passion and enthusiasm for life
You feel taken for granted
You jump to conclusions
You get defensive
You lose the freshness and the desire for being with your partner
You fail to notice when you could turn things around
You get bored… and the rot of stagnation sooner or later sets in.

But many of us are tied up in trying hard in the world.

We’re competing and trying to prove that we are good enough, and worthy of love.

We try to be interesting and interested, to prove how clever we are, and how hard we are trying – instead of just enjoying and appreciating each moment of our precious life.

“Trying” always implies the possibility of “failing”. It can all to easily become effortful, exhausting and stressful.

In this mode, we are always comparing and contrasting, using our thoughts to enhance the worry and stress, focussing on what is wrong (and often embroidering it in glorious Technicolor so that it appears bright and enormous in our eyes!)

Even arguments and fighting create a connection, but when that doesn’t work, we just give in, or even give up. When that happens, there’s no possibility of movement within the relationship, and it slowly dies.

So are you really present in your relationship?

Or are you sitting on the sidelines and thinking about it?

Let me give you an example:

You could be making love or kissing your partner, but what is going on in your head is…

“How long is this going to go on for? Must remember to do that grocery order; it used to be more fun than this; did I reschedule that Zoom call? Wish you wouldn’t do that; this is so boring; got to get that financial report in by Tuesday; wonder what’s happening on Facebook; if we hurry now I can catch the 10 o’clock news; if I hold my tummy in perhaps they won’t notice that I’ve put on weight”

…and on and on and on with internal chatter in the background.

The problem here is we are failing to actually BE with our partner. However well we think we’re hiding that, energetically they will feel it – but not know what is wrong.

Women in particular are able to feel when their partner’s energy is not focussed on them, and it has a knock-on effect on their sexual arousal, together with their self-esteem.

When we lose the art of presence

In your unconscious mind, what is happening is that you are comparing, contrasting, distorting, deleting and generalising information as to what is happening, rather than being fully involved in the experience of being together.

This lack of being fully present is the same whether you are eating a meal, giving a speech, doing your work, or having a conversation. We have learned to distract ourselves so much that we miss out on the experience of living, and wonder how life has passed us by so quickly.

The feeling of being needed, loved and desired by someone is paramount, so when it is not fulfilled, we mentally leave the person we are with to go and do other things to fill the gap. We fantasise, we make ourselves extra busy, we worry and stress, anything to avoid recognising our real need and asking for it. We try to get this need met by thinking – but in fact love and connection with another person can only be experienced outside of thought.

What does it mean to be present in your relationship?

Being present is when you are there in full awareness, with no judgement about yourself, no conditions as to how the other should be and allowing the experience to unfold.

It’s about leaving behind any thoughts that could make you miserable, any emotional baggage from the past, any opinions and limitations, but just using all your senses to be fully where you are, and it’s quite magical.

It’s about getting out of your head and in touch with your body and feelings.

It’s about learning how to appreciate every moment of being in each other’s presence, increasing your sheer pleasure and making life more satisfying and worthwhile.

How to be present in your relationship

Remember a time when you were blissfully happy – it may have been making love, or looking at a rainbow, being by the sea or receiving a massage. Where was thought then?

It was not there, because you had all your senses completely wrapped around the living experience rather than thoughts about the experience. There was no comparing or contrasting, no judgment or limitation, just the sheer bliss of Beingness.

This is what we need to learn to re-create with our partner – when you do it will bring back those feelings of ecstasy and awareness, of vitality and aliveness, of feelingful care and loving attention.

First – stop trying.

Trying causes tension. Tension causes competitiveness with an inbuilt fear of failure and stresses the whole system. So breathe deeply and learn to let go …and relax.

When you really relax, not only your body but also your mind and your thoughts, you can allow your judgement to be suspended, you can stop being defensive, you can go through and out the other side of any limitations, as you learn to love from an enlightened and intelligent space.

There is no peace and harmony where your mind is racing and judging and being emotional. Love is not an emotion – that is where you attach conditions and it cannot last. Love is a state of being, and it is eternal.

Second: This may sound odd, but it generates an amazing and wondrous unconditional freshness.

Every evening say “Everything about my relationship with (insert your partner’s name here) today I now destroy and uncreate.” (This is a technique taken from Gary Douglas’s work from Access Consciousness)

So when you wake up in the morning, you have left behind any negative opinions or conclusions, prejudices and assumptions about them from the previous day. It means you can start again, afresh in the here and now every day with the person in front of you with no resentment or hurt from anything that has gone before.

You will be fully aware of what is really going on, rather than looking through conditioning and programming that stops you from seeing the truth.

It allows you to focus on the other person and get feedback which way to go, and you will get insights and be able to operate from that. You will really start to see the other person and draw out their potential as you’re no longer operating from what you think you know about them.

Third: Connect to your senses

Ideally practice this exercise out in nature somewhere where there is an explosion of colours and sounds in the trees or the water, the sky, the birds, the rain. Once you have mastered the technique, practice doing it with your partner when you are kissing or making love or just holding each other and looking into each other’s eyes.

You will be amazed and delighted how the intensity of love-making increases as you begin to wrap your senses 100% around what is actually happening as you become fully present. Here’s how to do it:

Practice for 15 seconds at a time just using your Sight – look at what is around you with no labelling, no comparing, no judging. Just see the colours, the shapes, the textures.

Listen to all the sounds, the vibration, the tonality, the softness, the harshness, each and every sound with no labelling, no judging as to whether you like it or not.

Feel physically the heat of your body, the breeze and sunlight on your skin, the touch of your lover, the intensity, the gentleness of the caress.

Feel the emotional side, the caring, the loving, the warmth, the safety, the nurturing, the pride in your body, the vitality of your cells, the beat of your heart and of theirs

Smell the air, the scent, the sea, the earthiness, whatever is around you, the perfume of your lover’s skin in different parts of their body

Taste – highly linked with smell, taste the air, taste your lover.

Now go back to Sight and go through this sequence over and over again until you truly have mastered being able to stay out of thought and be in the present moment.

To know how to be present in your relationship you need to be in unconscious attention – in other words not aware that you’re doing anything other than just being. If you apply conscious attention to it, you will start to look through the old programming of limitation again. Once you are fully present, colours will appear more vibrant, your connection with nature and your lover will literally be mind-blowing, and your relationship will go from strength to strength.

And finally, if you find that your partner is not being present with you, if they are always in their head thinking, rationalising and being logical, try gently touching them, bringing them back into reconnecting with their body. Learn to appreciate your partner for the miracle of life that they are, and allow the magic to flow.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

One of many master coach and trainer Susie Heath is an expert in love and intimacy and an internationally acclaimed author and speaker. She has been a buyer for Marks and Spencer, a shoe designer, a horticulturist featured at the Chelsea Flower Show and more.

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Is your relationship draining you?

February 13, 2020 By Susie Heath

Is your relationship draining you? Today I want to explain the importance of energy in relationships – and give you some simple ways you can revitalize a relationship where things are starting to feel draining, frustrating or stale. First, let me explain what I mean by the “energy” of a relationship.

Inside every human being is a life source from which comes life-force in the form of an energy. This is the energy that grows your hair, that heals your body, that sends the blood coursing through your veins. It is the pulsation you feel when you are resting quietly, like a stream of electricity tingling through your body, without you having to do anything to make it happen. It is this energy which when it is harmony with another person can rocket you to the stars, or when at odds with them, will sink you like a stone.

We are like radio transmitters with our energy – we affect everything around us with our thoughts, feelings and actions and it emanates from us like radio signals to be picked up by those on a similar wave-length to us. People who are particularly sensitive can even see our energy around our heads and body in our aura, sometimes in colour but certainly as a fuzzy pattern around the body.

It is this energy that we pick up on when we meet someone and when we are in connection with them, in our communications and in our interaction with them.

Is your relationship draining you?

So does your relationship rocket you to the stars, enabling you to express who you truly are with joy and inspiration? Or is your relationship draining you?

Does it make you feel good about yourself, good about the future and positive about life?
Does it bring out the best in you?
Do you feel healthier and rejuvenated, whole and nourished, loved and loving towards your partner?
Do you feel connected and at one with your partner?

This is how a good relationship will make you feel.

If that sounds idealistic, it is because it is rather rare in this throwaway society, because love is in your actions and in the way you speak, move and touch those you love and care about – just in the way you turn up.

Does that mean you will never have moments of feeling that you don’t like your partner or that they irritate you or that you want to get away? No, it just means that like the foundations of a house, it is deep and broad and will withstand the storms and raging that go in life. Love is a gifting and a receiving – it is a generosity of spirit and when you have the desire to sustain and nurture it, like a beautiful plant it can bloom to reveal something truly inspirational.

What you bring to the relationship makes a tremendous difference.

If you are bringing positivity, a healthy way of thinking, an enjoyment of life no matter what it throws at you, and a willingness to be flexible and generous, the energy will be high.

If on the other hand you are bringing old negative memories, hurt, resentment, guilt and shame, you will lower the energy dramatically.

So what are you bringing with you? What are you transmitting? What are you receiving?

How do we create energy?

Much of it is by our thought patterns which influence the way our energy flows. Our temperament allows flow or blocks it. What we put into our body, our food, drink, chemicals, exposure to technology, the way we move and our environment have strong influences on our energy. But what drains our energy mostly is anger, depression, misery and negative thoughts, particularly blame, resentment and shame – these are the most damaging both health-wise and for any relationship.

Here are some ways to help the energy of your relationship thrive.

10 simple energy boosters to revitalise your relationships

Let go of stress by doing things you love to do. Learn to relax!
Take full responsibility for your emotional state and become more conscious of your moods; move your body and change your energy; empower yourself with new positive beliefs.
Be in allowance of who you are and stop trying to be perfect.
Enjoy yourself. Laugh.
Plan time out for fun, rest time and holidays; for romance and meaningful conversation.
Touch, cuddle, make time for romance and make love.
Think about how you’re nourishing yourself. Drink plenty of water; eat low GI (slow sugar release foods), avoid processed meals and refined foods;
Commit to paying it forward and contributing to others.
Give yourself the gift of regular pampering such as massage, reflexology; regular daily deep breathing; exercise which you enjoy, with proper recovery/stretching; or daily walks outside in sunlight.
Meet up regularly with positive like-minded people.

You might notice that none of these requires any shift in your partner! Revitalising your energy isn’t about trying to shape, change or confront anyone else. To become aware of and harness this energy and ultimately gain access to its source is to cease mental effort – tune into your energy and find out what it wants of you. It is the still, small voice within that often gets drowned by our self-talk.

We need to learn to relax and listen, mentally as well as physically. It’s not easy in our often hectic life, but it is possible particularly as you just wake up in the morning and as going to sleep at night.

What if you had all that kind of wonderful energy continually running through your body? The magic of it is that when you feel it flowing, it will direct you. You can put hopes and dreams onto the energy and watch them materialise. Go with the flow trusting that Life is indeed looking after you.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Guest post: How to keep a relationship alive

December 19, 2019 By Susie Heath

Love at first sight? Yes, it can happen. But when we buy into the idea that love can only happen in a spontaneous, earth-shaking fireworks display, we can close the door to allowing love to bloom and blossom in its own time. Knowing how to keep a relationship alive can open doors to deeper and more meaningful connection – but to get there, we need to know what to do.

How to keep a relationship alive

A relationship is like a tender sapling.

It needs nourishing and feeding, light, warmth and cherishing; it needs stamina and commitment to strengthen it so it becomes resilient in the path of outer circumstances which could blow it off course. It needs space and air and tender care, it needs understanding, and good and fertile ground in which to put its root down. And as it grows, we need to prune away the dead wood and keep the live wood where the buds are forming and developing.

Today I want to explore how love can grow and evolve over time – even in relationships that have faced challenges, rocky patches, or resentment.

What has to happen to keep love alive?
How do you turn a relationship into an adventure and a delight rather than a downward spiral, set in its ways?
How do you nurture and expand the potential so it becomes a fully passionate and joyful journey of discovery, intimacy and truth?

When love feels easy

All of us at some time or another have been in that special relationship – we are in love, it’s like the sparkling river of life, there’s joy, there’s laughter, there’s passion and desire, everything seems brighter, clearer and more vital.

Above all there’s a feeling of being connected, a oneness with your beloved, a connection from heart to heart rather than from head to head.

You look at that person and you see their true nature. You see all the good in them. There’s an openness, a trust, an honesty, a goodness – almost childlike – with nothing in the way. The world around you looks wonderful, you want to love everyone, and you feel that this could last forever.

And then…

Over time, however, it can be as if you lose sight of the person and the life force within them which so attracted you in the first place.

You no longer just see their good points; you begin to see bad points that you didn’t notice before.
You begin to focus on your differences; your analytical mind comes in now.
You focus even more on what’s wrong with the relationship – they have such annoying habits!
You begin to hold things against them; resentments, grudges, even hostility can arise.

The barriers go up between the two of you and you begin to live once again in your individual world of separate realities. Once again you feel lonely, alienated, hurt, disappointed, misunderstood; your barriers of self-protection go up even more as you are constantly on guard against the possible onslaught, and you are defensive from the moment you wake up in the morning.

Now you begin to spend a lot of time thinking about what’s wrong with the relationship, what’s wrong with the other person, and how you can fix it.

You have these head to head discussions that end in emotional upsets and everyone feeling even worse, until finally you’re left with only one solution.

So what’s really going on?

Let’s slow down and really see what’s happening.

The truth is you have stopped having a relationship with the miracle of life that is in the person in front of you. Whether it’s right or wrong, it has become a relationship with your thoughts.

We get triggered by things happening which remind us of problems in our previous relationships – but actually have nothing to do with the person you are with right this moment.

When you first saw that person, you saw them without the contamination of your analytical mind – you probably saw them as they really are, with their true nature. Spending time with our thoughts rather than our partner even when we are supposed to be with them, never allows for potential to emerge.

We don’t wait to see the person grow before we jump in with our judgments.

So ask yourself: “Do I want to have a relationship with my negative thoughts, or do I want to have a relationship with the Life in that person so that we can evolve together?”

That doesn’t mean changing who you really are, but evolving and growing in the presence of the other, and with their energy, to help you grow and expand your life.

When you stop making assumptions about the other and just allow the other person to unfold in all their magnificence, it is like witnessing a rose opening petal by petal as you encourage its vitality and beauty.

Explore this miraculous being by asking inquisitive questions that are positive to draw out the best qualities in them and find out what lights them up.

Our tendency is always to focus on the negative and talk about the darkest moments in life as if that will create a connection – it will of course, but not one that brings joy to the relationship.

8 questions to help you reconnect to your partner

Try asking these questions and listening openly to the answers. You might be surprised what emerges when you give your partner the space to respond.

What did you like doing when you were a child?
What are your happiest memories?
What did you want to be when you grew up?
What are your needs as a man/woman?
What are your individual needs?
If I were to give you a magic wand, what would you really like?
What little things make you feel good?
What makes you feel loved – is it by being told, being bought gifts, being given surprises, being held and made love to? Being left little notes? Find their needs and make them your needs, not by becoming a pleaser but by the sheer joy of lighting up someone else’s life – if they are doing it for you too, what a magnificent journey you can have together.

Does this mean that you will end up forever with this person? There is nothing guaranteed in love and life and it may just run its course, but at least you will enjoy the journey far more.

You see, we can never learn love. We can only remove the barriers that block love from coming in, and from us expressing it.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Guest post: How to stop judgmental thoughts

May 23, 2019 By Susie Heath

Competent women all too often feel we have to supervise everything; that it’s up to us to decide if something or someone is up to scratch or not. This urge to control is often born from a deeper fear of getting things wrong. And very often it doesn’t help us – which is why knowing how to stop judgmental thoughts is such an important skill to learn.

Where judgment comes from

Did you know that most of our thoughts, feelings, and choices don’t actually belong to us? They are “borrowed” from other people, taught to us and conditioned, mostly before the age of 2. We grow up looking at the world and our relationships through these conditioned reactions.

Judgment, tolerance and acceptance put massive limitations around the possibilities in our own lives and in our relationships. Because they are all ways of closing down potential.

Judgment in relationships

We judge our own sex as well as the opposite sex, and we carry with us deep-rooted cultural judgments of each other.

For women, there is the unspoken historical accusation of tempting man away from his connection with God. Laughable though this may seem in our modern age, it is deeply imprinted in our cellular memory. And of course there are all the other damaging stereotypes and assumptions that have been used to oppress and stifle women’s freedom and power.

Men carry deep guilt too. They have been taught that nothing good came from man, only from woman; that they are bad not only for having suppressed women, but also for putting them through the pain and suffering of childbirth. At an unconscious level, men often feel they have to heal and make up for all the damage done. That can show up as trying to solve problems – but also as resentment.

We each hold assumptions about the other sex which come out in our behaviour and verbally towards each other, as you will hear in many conversations.

So imagine how it would be to stop invalidating each other.

It’s time to stop devaluing yourself and let go of all these judgments – to look for the greatness in the other and in yourself, rather than the limitations.

How we judge ourselves

You will be amazed how many of us judge ourselves to be wrong much of the time, because we hide it so well.

For instance,

Some religions have taught us that we are born in sin, live in sin and that sex is sinful. When you judge this, you make your very existence wrong, and limit who you are.
We judge our body and our talents for not being enough
If someone else rejects us we make ourselves wrong, rather than acknowledging that it’s just their point of view.

Thus we walk around with the “wrongness” of us locked into every cell. Our sensuality feels like wrongness, and even our joy feels like wrongness as if we are supposed to be as sad as everyone else.

When we judge ourselves we have no option but to judge others. That’s because in order to judge anything, whether good or bad, we have to have been there and done it ourselves at some level, even if only in our imagination.

It’s the difference between “What’s that?” (excitement and curiosity) or “Ooh, gross” (judgment).

The habit here is to look for the wrongness of you – it’s one we’ve all been indoctrinated in from day 1. If you’ve not conformed, you are told you are wrong, and so in order to protect yourself, you automatically look for the wrongness in others.

Judgments and limitations stop us seeing the real person in front of us and create barriers between us; they are solid and unmoving. In judging, we buy into points of view that keep us trapped.

We lock definitions of ourselves into our body that we are too young, too old, too stupid, too pink, too blue, too different, but it’s all programming. We can’t receive goodness and kindness when we create these barriers.

The more you eliminate barriers, the more information falls into your consciousness, and awareness of everything increases, which makes life so much more interesting and exciting.

How many definitions have you locked into your body? Be willing to be the inspiration and start to see the beauty that you truly are.

So what’s the solution – more tolerance and acceptance?

A word on tolerance and acceptance: To tolerate someone’s behaviour is in itself judgmental and has an element of superiority about it, as if you are better than them. It is seeing the wrongness of someone and despite that, agreeing to put up with it.

Acceptance is a begrudging of someone and who they are, and neither of these have any heart in them.

So what can you do to turn this round? Are you willing to take a risk of being open to creating something far more dynamic, where you can choose with far greater awareness?

The risk of non-judgment

Choosing to question your judgmental thoughts can feel risky at first. In asking yourself whether your judgment of someone is necessary, you’re calling into question what you believe to be true.

But a risk is a very special opportunity to transform.

We can hold on so tightly to our own beliefs and “stuff” that there is no room for anything else; we get weak if we avoid taking risks and we lose energy.

Trusting someone is a risk, and there may be some disappointment. But you don’t have to give so much importance to disappointment.

The fact that you are alive and reading this means that you are far stronger than you think, and that you can support your mistakes in life.

So when would now be a good time to let go of all these limitations and jump out? It is far better to have 1000 disappointments than not take enough risks.

It’s time to stop creating yourself as the limited being you pretend to be and claim and own the magnificence of who you are.

How to stop judgmental thoughts

So let’s get practical here. Where can you start when it comes to stopping judgmental thoughts for good?

Just saying “I won’t think that any more” probably won’t help. Instead, the trick is to begin to change the script you’re habitually using.

Start by asking yourself more powerful questions. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions you ask yourself.

When you ask questions such as “What has to happen to…?” or “Who do I need to become in order to change …?” your life will expand.

Life-contracting questions such as “Why?” produce life-contracting answers.

“Why can’t I find the right person to be with?” will bring out all sorts of negative answers – because you’re too old/too fat/too thin/too young/too intelligent/too stupid/ green/bald/short/tall.

In the same way, asking “Why can’t my boss make a sensible decision?” probably won’t be a fruitful line of questioning for you.

Using “What/ when/where/ who questions instead, encourage the unconscious mind to expand and awaken, to come up with new experiences to guide you into a new way of enjoying your life.

Living in the question is the only way to break free and allows the expression of who you really are and who the other person is.

In turn this creates depth, harmony, excitement, newness, a sense of wonder and awe.

“What has to happen for me to…?”
“How can I help create…”
“Where do I need to focus my attention right now?”
“How can I honor and nurture my body today?

Start looking for the greatness and the possibility, rather than the limitations, in yourself and others.

Living free from judgment

When we’re afraid of being judged, we try and stay invisible and not let others see how amazing we are. Of course, they then do the same.

Take the lid off the box and let yourself out. Give up the sadness and embody the joy.

Dare to let go of all the things you’ve pretended to be – it’s such a relief.

When you are in allowance of who the other person is, it takes away such a large amount of effort. It’s just a point of view – neither right nor wrong.

So if you take away judgment and decision, what is left? There is choice. You can choose moment by moment how you want to live and love.

Be at choice instead of decision.
Be in allowance instead of tolerance and acceptance.
Be in awareness rather than judgment.

It will change your life.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.

Guest post: How to love yourself first

March 7, 2019 By Susie Heath

I know you will have heard this before, but the most important relationship you have is with yourself. You are the first person you need to fall in love with – otherwise you are expecting someone else to fulfil you, putting a massive burden on them. Today I’m going to share some simple exercises so that you can discover how to love yourself first and foremost.

What’s your self-love score?

Let’s start by establishing where you are right now in terms of your love for yourself.

On a score of 0 – 100 – where 0 means you loathe yourself, feel you are a worthless pile of junk, and 100 means recognising that you are the most magnificent being and there is still more to come – where do you rate yourself right now?

Take a second and jot it down.

This will become the benchmark from which you will see yourself unfold.Whatever it is now, by the time you have finished this article, your score will have dramatically increased.

(If your score is low, do not fret because that means there is lots of lovely untapped potential to play with!)

Now take your score away from 100. So if you score yourself at 35, your new total will be 65.

The fantastic news is that there is 65% of you that you haven’t even begun to uncover yet!

Why does self-love feel hard?

In this society we are often taught to be self-critical, to weigh ourselves against others, and we are always found wanting. We never deem ourselves good enough. But until we can break down the barriers to our own heart, we have insufficient love to be able to share with another.

Unfair though it may sound, you are responsible for your own happiness. Nobody makes you happy or sad – that’s down to how you choose to respond to the circumstances around you.

No doubt you will have heard stories of incredible courage and even joy of people in the depths of human misery, yet deep from within emerges their limitless spirit.

That spirit is in you too.

What relationships with others can teach you about self-love

Intimate relationships present our greatest challenge because it is here that our reactive patterns of behaviour tend to be triggered by the close proximity and interaction with another person.

All our insecurities, self doubts and fears come up to be addressed. Your beliefs, your values, your rules, and your behaviour get challenged by someone else’s ideas about life and come up to conscious awareness, ready to be healed if you allow them to be.

This is often our greatest opportunity to make changes in our life, and causes us to look deep inside ourselves to find out what it is we really think, feel, believe and desire.

It is also our greatest opportunity to go beyond what we know, beyond what we feel we can give and beyond how we feel we can love. It stretches our limits and gives us the chance to expand and become more.

It is where our vulnerabilities are on display, where we can make the decision to let go of control and learn to trust, and be open to receiving the love of another.

How to learn to love yourself

So how can we learn to love ourselves first when we’ve been taught since childhood to put ourselves last, to view others as being better than ourselves? When we continually find fault with ourselves, why would anyone else not find those faults in us too?

Understand that you are a limitless being with the whole of the history of the Universe inside you. You are unique. We are all unique. You are an amazing creation – the chances of you being born are zillions to one – and the chances of being on this planet are zillions to one.

You are an extraordinary creature – a miracle of life, and when you start to see yourself and view your life as a miracle you will start to appreciate others as a miracle too, so you won’t get so caught up with the humdrum and the nastiness which is so prevalent in society these days.

When we let go of feeling inferior, we are amazing.

Grab a piece of paper and jot down the answers to the following questions as they come to you – you don’t have to share this with anyone else.

1. What do you love about yourself?

There are always things to love about yourself, even if it’s your nose or your feet, the way you tenderly care for animals, your smile, your touch, your ability to sing, your talents.

Come up with at least 10 things, and preferably 100, and please write them down so you can look at them on those occasional days when things may not be going according to plan.

2. What is your most valuable treasure?

Is it your vision?
Your talents?
Your love?
Your sense of humor?
Your ability to be flexible?
Compassion, creativity?

What would you be prepared to let go of – old limitations, old behaviours, limiting beliefs, continually telling your bad experiences to anyone who will listen…

You see, there’s part of you that you don’t know yet.

To find the amazingness of you, you have to go to places you’ve not yet been. Give yourself permission to be open, trusting and allow the process to happen. Allow love to pour through you as you uncover more of who you are – love is unlimited and boundless.

What we are still searching for is that feeling of being unconditionally loved, and being held and caressed and touched. This is why it is so important that we create that feeling for ourselves first by being kind to ourselves, loving our body and treating ourselves well.

Treat yourself well by understanding that who you choose to spend time with will affect your values, your language, your happiness, your health and even your earnings. Learn to love yourself by enjoying and appreciating your body – notice how you talk to yourself and what you put in your body.

Do you feed yourself with nourishing foods and drinks, and do you give it the exercise it enjoys?

When you learn to treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend, your body will respond beautifully.

4. What can you do for you that makes you feel really good inside?

Write down 3 ideas you could do this week – it might be as simple as wearing a favourite outfit, or taking 5 minutes to go for a walk somewhere beautiful.

5. Now write a vision of how you would like life to be as if it has already happened.

When you read this every day, your unconscious mind will take it on as a new program, so the new way of enjoying your life will be installed and overwrite old unhelpful beliefs. This works, it really works!

What’s changed?

Having completed those exercises, score yourself again as to how you feel about yourself, and see how much you’ve grown from how you scored at the beginning of this exercise.

When we accept ourselves fully, we stop being needy – it doesn’t mean we don’t need someone else in our life, just that we don’t expect them to do it all for us, as we don’t base our self-esteem on other peoples’ opinions.

If you learn to admire and honor and respect who you are, (the good, the bad and the ugly) it doesn’t mean you’re big-headed but that you honor and appreciate yourself and desire to be the best you can be.

When you continually enhance this special relationship with yourself, you will find your levels of happiness increasing more and more, and then you have more to bring to the world.

Would you like some extra support to reconnect to yourself?

If you’d like to talk about some extra support when it comes to relationships – with yourself or others – or find out details of our BeLove retreat where we look at these topics in more detail, we’d be happy to chat. Click here to book in a free, no-strings call with one of our friendly team and find out how we can help you find fulfillment in your relationships.

About Susie

Fashion Designer | Grandmother | Dancer

Now, as a coach and trainer she has has worked personally with hundreds of men and women, helping them reawaken their authentic selves with her profound coaching and movement workshops.