One of Many

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My partner doesn’t meet my needs

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

When your partner doesn’t meet your needs in a relationship, it’s tough. Even when you’re in a relationship, you can end up feeling isolated and alone. From the hug when you walk in the door to support talking through a family crisis; from sharing the financial load to really listening when you want to open up about your emotions or being willing to go to family functions by your side.

Your needs matter, and when you’re at a point where you feel like they’re being ignored, it can be crunch time.

Here are some tips for navigating the complicated scenario where your partner’s not giving you what you need.

How to know what your needs are

Now, let’s get clear on this first: before you start addressing a partner who doesn’t care about what you need,  you need to know exactly what those needs are.

There is a world of difference between what we need and what we want. If 
we don’t have what we want, it will usually be okay. If we don’t have what we
need, we won’t be okay.

Needs are things which you would rather be single than be without.

So, the way to establish what your needs are is to start by writing down a big list of everything you want from a relationship. In an ideal world, what is it you’d get from your partner?

Next, you’re going to review each want and then you’re going to drop below it to what it is that you actually need.

Here are a few questions to help you through from a want to a need.

  • Why do I want 
that?
  • What does that provide for me?
  • 
What is the need that this quality fulfills?

Be careful not to over complicate. Just drop through really quickly. Try and trust that your unconscious knows what the underlying need is.

For instance, back when I made a list like this when I was single, one of my wants was that “he’s tall”.

When I did this exercise, I asked myself “Would I rather be single than being with a short man?”

No. So, it’s not a need.

What is it about him being tall that is important to me?

That he’s strong… that I feel small compared to him… – was what came to mind.

Is it really about feeling small compared to him? No, it’s not about that.

What is it? I realized that what I really need is to feel feminine.

One of the ways that might get expressed is through him being tall, but if he’s short and I feel feminine we’re okay.

Does that make sense? I dropped down through to what it was that I actually needed.

If I was in a relationship where there wasn’t room for me to feel feminine, I’d rather be single than being in that relationship. That was the need.

Many of those wants that you have on your list are going to end up being expressions of the same need, and you’ll probably find you get down to about five to eight core needs.

What to do when you know what your needs are

Once you’re clear on your needs, they become a really powerful tool.

If you’re in a relationship and your partner’s providing them, brilliant. Acknowledge them and celebrate that!

If you’re in a relationship and they’re not providing one of those needs, tell them why it is a need for you and they can choose to provide it or not.

You might find having done this process that the original need you were frustrated about not being met has shifted. Now, you know that you’re more in need of physical affection than a hug when you walk in the door. Let that be the start of the conversation with your partner.

If you’re not in a relationship, it’s a brilliant conversation to be having if you’re considering it being a long-term relationship. This is what I need. What do you need?

If they can’t provide what you need

There may be a situation where you recognize that someone can’t provide what you need on the list. You might be in a long-term relationship with someone and feel like you’re looking down the barrel of a gun.

“Holy crap, I know there’s something on this list that they actually can’t provide.”

What then? Allow me to introduce you to the paradox of needs.

The paradox of needs

The paradox of needs is this: You actually don’t need anything from anyone else.


Everything that’s on your list, you could actually provide for yourself. Think about that for a minute.

You don’t need anything from yourself even.

Actually, you don’t need anything at all.

There are things which sustain our body and keep us alive. But the thing about relationship needs is, you actually don’t need the other to provide any of that for you. You can have it all even without them.

But when you choose to be in relationship with somebody, then you can choose to have it as one of your frameworks: “Here’s what would really enhance my life. I would rather be single than not enjoy these things together.”

Can you see how that offers a much more empowering framework? If something happens to your partner and they can no longer provide one of those needs, or they’re not willing to change to meet that need, you could choose to end the relationship.  You could choose to go and get that need met somewhere else. You can still choose to be love and keep loving.

Needs are a framework

Needs are a great framework for relationship. But even if you look at them and think, “I’m not getting them met right now!” that doesn’t mean you absolutely have to end the relationship. It means have 
a conversation.

Recognize with your partner that you need it and have conversations about whether they can provide it or not and is it possible for you to get it from somewhere else? If it is, are you still happy to stay in the 
relationship? Can you work on that together?

Now we’re getting into conscious creation of relationship. The kind ofrelationships that our spirits want to be enjoying on the planet. And that’s one of the most interesting conversations of all.

How about you?

Have you had an experience of your needs not being met in relationship? How did you navigate it? I’d love to know your story – share it in the comments below. 

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: “I’ve lost connection with my partner”

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I feel very blessed to have married the same man twice. At the time we got divorced it certainly didn’t feel like a blessing…more like a disaster. But 8 years apart taught me some incredible things which I want to share with you today, because that elusive thing we thrive on called connection can be tricky to navigate in an intimate relationship.

Just what do we mean by connection?

You know it when you feel it. It’s the spark, that invisible multi-faceted thing that you can’t quite put your finger on that bonds two people together.

Connection happens on all levels…mental, physical, emotional and spiritual.

When we feel it it’s wonderful but when it sometimes disappears, which while very common, can be incredibly challenging.

Going back to the start

It might seem a long time ago if things aren’t how you’ like them to be right now.

But I think we can all learn some important lessons from the budding of intimacy.

In that initial blossoming it seems effortless.

Our attention is fully on the other person, we want to spend lots of time with them and we want to know everything about them. It’s all new and intriguing. If you “click” and that invisible thing we call chemistry is there, it becomes a delicious time of falling in love.

At this time we have our rose coloured spectacles on. We forgive things easily, and we overlook little annoyances because we are always looking for the best. Focusing on what we love instead of what we don’t love.

Have you ever experienced at the decline of a relationship that the things that you loved at the beginning can becomes the very things that you hate? That’s kind of odd really, if you think about it. The behaviour is the same. So what’s changed?

Think about what’s different

In my story what changed was our life circumstances. Life can be challenging enough but sometimes it throws you a huge curveball. Our bubble burst when, 8 weeks before our baby was due, we found ourselves in the intensive care unit with me fighting for my life.

Our baby was born 8 weeks premature by emergency caesarean section and in the days following I contracted necrotising fasciitis, more commonly known as the flesh eating bug.

To cut a long story short I made it. But it was far from an easy ride. I lost my womb and ovaries along with two thirds of the flesh on my torso. I also contracted septicaemia which damaged my feet.

I spent three months in hospital bed bound and underwent numerous surgical procedures to rebuild my body. I also had a near death experience (NDE) where I literally saw the light! But that’s another story.

My whole world had been turned upside down. Mentally, emotionally and physically I was struggling to deal with a severely disfigured body and what that meant for me as a woman. Spiritually I had just had a big wakeup call that challenged my world view.

A BIG mistake we made as a couple was we didn’t talk. This thing seemed way too big and painful to speak about. And so we hid from it and therefore hid from each other.

So #1 learning – Always talk

Let’s face it, life is full of ups and downs, ebbs and flows. I know my example is big here but you also constantly face the challenges of life. And it is all too easy for the demands of life to get in the way, be that work, children, family, hobbies, friends…all of us have limited time and the choice to make of where we spend it.

No matter how painful it seems, honesty and conversation are true blessings. And sometimes you may need to get some support from someone who can help you talk to each other.

Which brings me to learning #2 – Make time for each other

It is one of the most crucial things to do. And again one of the easiest things to let slide. Especially if you have a young family. Everyone else’s needs can seem more important but they are not.

It is super important to put you and your partner high up on your priorities and plan special time together.

Learning #3 – Focus on what IS working instead of what ISN’T

It’s very common and very easy when things are not right in our intimate relationship to focus on what’s wrong and try to fix it. I know I obsessed about it because it was so important to me and I desperately missed that wonderful sense of connection.

After we had separated I met this amazing man. He was in his late 80’s and had studied psychology his whole life. He told me how he would lie in bed at night and silently speak to his wife. He shared with me how what you focus on grows and pointed out that if you focus on what’s wrong in your relationship you will get more of that.

The truth of this hit me like a ton of bricks. I had fought so hard to correct what was wrong in our relationship. I’d pushed, I’d pointed out it was broken and we needed to fix it.

What I didn’t do was focus on what was right with it.

It made me realise that in trying to ‘fix’ it and desperately seeking that connection all I had done was unwittingly pushed it further away.

What was missing was learning #4 – Appreciation

Develop a practice (daily is good) where you regularly think about what’s good about your relationship and your partner. What is it that you appreciate him/her for?

Spend 5-10 minutes thinking about it. This can be things inside and outside of your relationship. What are they good at? What do they do well? What makes you smile about them?

Connection is an inside job, it’s a feeling. Focusing on what you appreciate about someone else starts to create a warm feeling inside. It also naturally spills out of you towards them. When someone else is genuinely appreciating you it feels really good to be on the receiving end of that.

Appreciation is so powerful in any relationship. With my husband I see him energetically grow as I appreciate him, it goes both ways, and feels so good. Look for things to be thankful and grateful for rather than focusing on the things which are missing. Remember what you focus on grows.

And finally for today learning #5 – What state are you in?

When it comes to the Women’s PowerTypes – the 5 powerful models of women’s leadership that make up your unique PowerTypes Profile – they can be immensely helpful in your intimate relationship.

The Lover is definitely your chief ally on so many levels. Firstly you need to be filled up. I see so many women running on empty and then wondering why their intimate relationship is lacking. I say this with zero judgement because that was me too! I was always so busy doing everything and putting myself last. This meant I was running on empty and had nothing to give.

It is still me occasionally but the difference is now I see it and immediately switch to Lover PowerType.

Let’s face it…Superwoman and intimacy are not a good match!

Enhancing your Lover energy helps you fill yourself up. Then as the over-flowing cup you become highly attractive to your mate. When your needs are met you have extra to share. This is a highly magnetic quality and so important for us to embrace.

I see this so clearly with my husband. Having married the same man twice makes it all the more clear. I appreciate him every day – and interestingly, I watch him wanting to do more and more for me.

I hope my lessons help you to rediscover the connection in your relationship if it’s gone into hiding. It’s most likely still there just buried underneath life.

How about you? Please share in the comments anything you have found helpful to re-connect with your partner.

If you’d like to read my full story of near death, recovery and navigating being more loving (I messed it right up at first) you can read all about it in my book “From Vegas to the Pearly Gates: A gritty, true-life account of love at its best and absolute worst.”

 

About Wendy Harrington

Writer, Wife, Mother

Wendy is passionate about peace and harmony. Her near death experience opened her life up to increased love and happiness (after a battle with herself). She is the author of 2 books, mother of 3 daughters and wife of the love of her life.

She’s also one of the One of many team.

Connect with Wendy on YouTube or Facebook to discover tips for greater peace and harmony in your life and mind.

You’ll find a reading from the book sharing when she saw her body for the first time after the illness, and her sharing the bliss of her near-death experience.

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Are relationships about compromise?

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Are relationships about compromise? In 2011, Madonna was quoted as saying:

“The older I get, the more I understand about the nature of relationships and how to have a successful one. The more I realize that it has to do with compromise and sacrifice and that’s just the way it goes. And unless you want to be alone for the rest of your life, you have to realize that.”

Put like that, it sounds pretty black and white, doesn’t it? And yet, you probably know other people who are equally adamant that the right relationships are ones where you don’t have to sacrifice any part of yourself, or compromise who you are. So what’s the answer?

Here’s a quick guide to getting clear on when it’s a good idea to compromise.

What are you compromising on?

First things first, it’s important to get clear on your values when it comes to relationships. Values are the things which matter most to us – they’re our fundamental motivations in life. To explore your relationship values, start by asking yourself the following questions:

  • What’s most important to you?
  • What won’t you tolerate?
  • What motivates you?

When you have a list, try grouping similar values together so you can come up with a list of around 5 that feel most important to you.

Knowing your values is a really helpful sign post when it comes to considering a compromise. (If trust is on that list, for example, you’re unlikely to want to compromise when it comes to a partner who isn’t honest with you.)

But it’s not the only thing to bear in mind. Some things aren’t values, but are vital to you being able to live your life. These are your needs, and they’re the second aspect to consider when a compromise comes up.

What are your needs?

Needs are the basic requirements for us to be able to function. Not luxuries or desires, they’re the minimum things we need in place to be ourselves. Maybe you need 8 hours’ sleep at night, time to walk in nature, or plenty of water. In relationship, you might need to have a certain amount of physical contact, or time to be alone.

That’s not to say that you’ll never compromise on your needs. If your adventure-loving partner wants to get up at dawn to go on the holiday of their dreams, you might agree to compromise as a one-off.

But if your friend won’t stand for anything other than a night of cocktails, when you know your body needs to steer clear of alcohol, it could be time to decide you’re not going to compromise.

When you know your values and needs, you can set clear boundaries

Your boundaries are the agreements you make with yourself and others about what you will and won’t tolerate. You can have boundaries with others, for example about how your kids behave or when you’re available for work requests from your boss. And you can also have boundaries with yourself, for example about what you will or won’t tolerate.

At our BeLove retreat, we create a relationship manifesto. This isn’t just for intimate relationship, but for how you’re going to behave in all relationships. If you have a partner, this can be an incredibly helpful thing to share, so you know the common agreements you want to put in place.

Perhaps you commit to discussing disagreements over a cup of tea, instead of having a screaming match in the car on the way to your mum’s. Knowing that in advance can help you figure out compromises before tensions rise and things get heated.

So when could you think about compromising?

Outside of your values, boundaries and needs there are many cases when compromising your personal preference is something you’re happy to do. For example, you might decide to compromise when it comes to expressing appreciation for people you’re in relationship with.

The Five Love Languages are a system of distinguishing the ways we express and receive love. They are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch

Maybe you’re a hugger – you love physical touch and it’s the way you’d naturally show your partner you love them. But what your Dad would most appreciate is having your help with things he’s trying to do – he’s all about the quality time.

Or you really want to show your colleague how much you appreciate them. You’ve noticed how words of praise really light them up, and so you take the time to compose a thoughtful email detailing exactly the impact they’re having on you.

We’re all different, and the Love languages are a great example of how we can compromise in a way that feels good, because it allows us to deepen our connection with others.

The same thing goes for many other areas of compromise. Often, it’s those differences from other people that attract us to be in relationship with them in the first place.

So whether it’s expressing love, choosing what to have for dinner, or where to live, there are all kinds of opportunities for compromise. What’s key is understanding the motivation behind your decision, from an understanding of where your own boundaries lie.

What’s at the root of the compromise?

Perhaps the most important thing to consider when it comes to compromise is what the motivation is behind it. If you’re compromising in an effort to please the other person, or make them like you, it might be that the root cause is a fear of not being good enough. Eventually, that kind of pattern can lead to you feeling resentful, put-upon or drained.

On the other hand, compromise can come from a place of wanting to make the other person feel good, and brighten their day. Maybe you don’t love that one band your partner’s been obsessed with since university – but you’ll book them tickets and go along to the concert because you know what deep joy it will bring to their lives.

When you know your needs and your boundaries, and you’re clear on your values, you know you’re staying true to the things which matter most to you. Compromise can be a place you choose to visit to express love to those around you, without feeling like you’re betraying yourself.

How about you?

What’s your experience of compromise? Do you make conscious decisions to compromise for your partner – and do they make compromises for you? Share your experiences, positive or negative, in the comments.

If you’re ready to transform your personal relationships, and discover profound self-love, our BeLove retreat could be just for you. For a no obligation consultation with one of our team members to find out if this is the right step for you, click here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What marriage is really like

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Want to know what marriage is really like? Let me paint you a picture.

We’re in the kitchen, when Greg opens the fridge and does a double take.

“Why is there so much food in the fridge? Do we have people coming round, or something?”

He knows the answer already. I’ve mentioned it at least twice, once when we were talking business last weekend and again as we played with the kids at the park.

“Yup. Annie and Susie are coming to stay at the weekend”

His response, let’s say, is not what I expect.

“Well. That’s the first I’ve heard of it.”

Ever experienced something similar with your other half? A time when it felt like they’d totally ignored something you’d clearly told them at least once?

Did you fly off the handle, accuse them of ignoring you, or seethe inwardly at the fact that for the hundredth time the thing you’ve told them has taken second place to sports fixtures, historical trivia, or whatever else they deem to matter more than your words?

Marriage, or indeed any loving partnership, is a wonderful and deeply beautiful thing. But beyond the wedding photos, special dinners and mushy moments (I’m not knocking them for a second) are the thousands, millions perhaps, of interactions just like the one Greg and I had in our kitchen that day.

Opportunities to connect – or withdraw.

To confront – or surrender.

How about you? When was the last time you had a communication breakdown with your partner? Think back to it now, because today I want to share a really helpful reframe that helped give me a different perspective on these kinds of interactions, and what they mean to me.

The difference in how we think

I am a big fan of anything that brings us a greater understanding of what makes us tick, and more capacity to empathise with other people’s behaviour.

That’s why I’ve found it so helpful to learn about the science of how our brains can work in vastly different ways.

So, let’s dig into what’s really going on in the interaction I described.

Ignoring… or interruption?

So in the example above, the scenario was pretty clear from my perspective. I’d told Greg numerous times about the plans for the weekend, and he’d chosen to ignore me, right?

Previously, I would certainly have taken it personally. After all, I know that when it comes to certain other facts – historical dates, the price of gold, all kinds of random (and from my perspective pretty irrelevant) trivia – are lodged in his brain indelibly. And yet when it comes to important information about guests in our house, apparently it just wasn’t important enough to hold on to.

What changed that tendency to take things personally was when I learned about the modal tendency some people – including Greg – have wired right into their brains.

No idea what I’m talking about? Read on.

The ‘modal’ model

What I learned after looking at some really fascinating research is that some people’s brains, especially when they’re in instinctive or ‘animal’ states tend to be much more “modal” than others.

That is to say, they tend to be focused on one task or problem, with anything not directly related to solving that problem being filtered out as having less significance.

In other words, when I mentioned our upcoming guests in the context of a business meeting, Greg was focused on the specific challenge we were discussing in that moment. He wasn’t ignoring me – he simply wasn’t registering its relevance outside of that context.

The same thing happened when we were having family time with the kids. Playground time meant playground time for Greg – not time to plan ahead, think about guests, or wonder what the fridge would look like when he opened it on Friday morning.

The strengths of modal thinking

Now, when I discovered my husband hadn’t heard a word I’d said I could have easily jumped straight into anger. But the more I learn about the way other people’s brains work, the more I appreciate the strengths that way of thinking can bring.

Narrow, deep focus allows problems to be solved all the way through to completion. The focus is on finding the solution to that one priority – which makes for incredibly efficient, focused resolution to even complex problems.

It’s a fantastic way to combat stress, because wider worries and awareness of things which aren’t directly relevant is swiftly filtered out by the modal brain. Greg definitely hadn’t been worrying about how we’d be taking care of our guests when they arrived, after all.

When we start to recognize that the ability to think modally is a distinctive thing, we can not only have compassion. We can start to admire it. That way of thinking is a real gift – it allows them to be completely present, immersed and ‘in flow’ in what they’re doing.

What’s more, it gives us clues as to how to make future interactions more positive.

How to interact with a modal thinker

Male or female, partner or boss, when you’re interacting with someone whose brain works in this modal way there are 3 key things to bear in mind.

1. Firstly, be aware of this tendency.

If your partner is a one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, it might be worth doing what Greg and I do and allocating specific slots in the week to talk about things you need to. We have 3 meetings: one for business, one for life admin, and one for finances. If you’re not running a business you probably need less, but the principle is the same: by allocating a time to talk about the topics you need to cover, you’ll avoid the spontaneous interruptions that modal thinkers find so challenging.

2. If you need to interrupt, do so thoughtfully.

Just as with my toddler, if it’s appropriate then touch can be a great way to signal that a change in topic is needed. Ask permission: is it OK if I interrupt you for a minute? And wait until you get a clear “yes” before launching into what you’re saying. A non-committal “uh-huh” or silence probably indicates you don’t yet have their full attention.

3. Ask them what they need

You might suspect your partner is a modal thinker, but nothing beats having a conversation to find out their perspective. I don’t mean launching into a “I’ve diagnosed you with this problem I read about on the internet” next time you have a disagreement, tempting as that might sound. But you could try asking your partner “How does it feel when you’re interrupted from something you’re doing?” or suggesting you agree a way to deal with logistics when it comes to your home.

What marriage is really like

So, to return to my original question – what’s marriage really like? For us at least, it’s a journey of learning.

Of noticing what causes emotions to run high, and getting curious about why that might be.

It might be to do with brain chemistry, personal triggers, or something that’s totally unique to you. Either way, it’s worth exploring what you can learn about each other and instead of taking the patterns personally, asking what they can teach you to appreciate in your partner. Choosing to understand, admire and celebrate our differences only deepens our connection with each other.

How about you? Have you found a niggle or source of friction that you were able to investigate and turn into a strength? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you’d like to get more tools and strategies to strengthen your relationship and bring more love into your world, join us for our BeLove Retreat. Click here to book in a no-obligation chat with one of our team and find out the full details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.