One of Many

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The short temper solution

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It’s different for all of us – that place we slip into when we’re not at our best. Is it the tone in your voice that has your partner shrinking from you when you snap at them after a tough day at work? Or the hopeless, helpless feeling you get when you say “sure” to that one ‘quick thing’ your demanding boss needs you to sort out at 4pm on a Friday afternoon? The truth is, the short temper solution is the same as the “self-pity” or “burning resentment” solution.

Today I’m sharing a powerful tool that can help you manage these kinds of frustrating behaviours, without blocking your (totally valid!) feelings.

Let’s start by getting clear on exactly what we mean when we talk about these kinds of situations. I don’t mean times when you’re just feeling a bit sensitive or you’re in “getting things done” mode. Just because you’re not being over-the top nice and friendly doesn’t mean there’s an underlying issue you need to deal with. As leaders of any kind, there are times when we need to give clear instructions, or convey information, without the added fluff.

What I invite you to consider today are the times when you’re slipping into a version of yourself who’s less in control of how she’s behaving.

The 3 disempowering archetypes

We talk a lot about the 5 Women’s PowerTypes – the 5 powerful female archetypes we use to guide the new version of leadership we’re creating.

But today I want you to think about the dis-empowering archetypes you can find yourself in. The 3 really common ones we find are the Bitch, the Victim and the Martyr. Have a read of these scenarios and see if you recognise yourself in any of them:

The Bitch is that short-tempered you who loses her sense of kindness and compassion, and even lashes out at those around her. Wendy, our Marketing and Events manager, spots this one at times when she’s feeling overloaded and snaps at her husband.

“I literally see him shrink in front of me” she says. “That’s when I know I’ve crossed over into the woman I know I don’t want to be. And it’s not really me either! It’s a sign there’s something else going on.”

Victim comes out when we find ourselves feeling totally helpless. Maybe someone at work says you haven’t completed something when you know you have.

For me it was when my husband made an innocuous comment about how “we weren’t good at implementing things”. Instead of calmly addressing it – “I sent that to you on Tuesday, actually” or “That’s interesting – how do you think we could improve?” – we go into “poor me” mode. It might be shrinking and going silent, or flaring into defensiveness.

For many women, Martyr’s the disempowering role we might actually have been praised for. Staying late at the office, helping out family members on weekends, never taking a moment for ourselves…

If you tend to give too much and find yourself in over-sacrificing mode, it’s likely martyr’s the tendency to watch out for.

So when you know what the pattern you tend to fall into is (you may well rotate through all three, depending on the circumstances!) how do you find a different way of being?

Allow me to introduce one of the most powerful tools we have to combat these disempowering archetypes: Trigger Tracking.

What is Trigger Tracking?

Trigger tracking is a way of moving into a place of awareness and observation – so that you can start to uncover what’s at the root of the behaviour you want to change.

A lot of the time we find ourselves getting frustrated when we’re unable to change our behaviour. That’s because we’re focusing on the symptom of what’s going on, rather than the root cause.

Often, the flash of temper or sink into despondency is actually a defense mechanism we’ve evolved over time – maybe even since childhood – to protect us from a “risk”.

For example, you might be getting angry because underneath, you’re afraid of being rejected.

Trigger tracking helps you identify what your unique patterns are, so that you can start to change them.

How to get started with trigger tracking

The easiest way to start with Trigger Tracking is to set aside a period of time – in our BePowerful program, we use it over the course of one week.

Take a piece of paper and divide it into 6 columns. Now, what you’ll do is notice each time you find yourself slipping into one of these disempowering modes, and note down the following things:

  • What happened?

For example: I felt totally inadequate and paralysed with a big work project – and ended up missing the deadline I’d promised my team.

  • What was your bad behaviour?

I spent an hour complaining to my partner about how unreasonable my boss’s expectations of me were, instead of taking action on the project or letting them know I couldn’t do it.

  • What archetype did you go into?

Victim

  • What was the trigger for that archetype?

Feeling that I wasn’t good enough. A sense that everyone was relying on me, and I had no one to support me.

  • How did you feel?

Frustrated, helpless and small.

  • What was the impact on others?

My team had to work harder because I missed the deadline. My boss was frustrated that I hadn’t spoken up sooner. My partner told me how worried they were about the demands being placed on me. It’s upsetting to them to hear me feeling so down.

As you begin to complete the sheet with each example as it happens, you’ll start to notice certain repeated patterns coming up. Don’t worry if you feel this is happening a lot – the more data you have on what triggers you, the better! At the end of the week, take a look at what you’ve learned.

What to do when you’ve tracked your triggers

When you’ve gathered your examples over the time you’re trigger tracking for, you’ll hopefully start to see some patterns emerging. For example, it might be that on the days when you’re really feeling “not good enough” as a mum that you find yourself taking on more and more tasks at work, and ending up in full on Martyr.

Or perhaps you try to pack too much into your day and that’s when you end up snapping into Bitch with your energetic toddler – even though you know it’s not their fault.

Whether you tend to get angry and snap, fall into victim mode or take on way too much when you move into martyr, the solution lies in becoming aware of your behaviour so that you can take steps to address the issue that’s actually causing you to snap.

That might be working with a one-to-one coach, using a meditation process to release emotions (there’s a Soft PowerCast on this for our BeOne Community members), journalling or talking to a therapist or professional.

Want more tools like this?

Trigger tracking is just one of the powerful tools we explore in BePowerful, our 12 week transformational coaching program. If you’re curious, the first step is to find out your PowerTypes profile. Click here to get your personalized report.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Do you fear getting in trouble?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Written down, it can sound a bit nuts. You’re a fully grown, capable, intelligent woman, after all. And yet, in the back of your mind, it’s there – a fear of getting in trouble of some kind, whether with a boss, client, colleague or even family member.

If you dread the thought of being on the receiving end of criticism, or being told you’ve let people down, here are a few things to help you move forward.

Is a fear of getting in trouble the same as imposter syndrome?

“Imposter syndrome” is the name given to a tendency to feel inadequate or not good enough, despite evidence to the contrary.

It’s often described as a feeling that you’re going to be “found out” – as though despite your glowing appraisals, stellar results and fantastic rapport with your team, one day you’ll somehow be revealed for being a fraud.

Ironically, imposter syndrome tends to be more prevalent in high-achieving individuals. It was first identified in 1985, when Dr Susan Clance identified 6 potential characteristics of what she termed “Imposter phenomenon”

  1. The Impostor Cycle
  2. The need to be special or to be the very best
  3. Superman/Superwoman aspects – setting impossibly high standards in every area of our lives
  4. Fear of failure,
  5. Denial of competence and Discounting praise, and
  6. Fear and guilt about success

So a fear of “getting into trouble” may well be a sign that you’re experiencing “Imposter syndrome” at some level. And that can lead to stress, anxiety and guilt, all of which impact your physical and emotional wellbeing, and that of those around you.

If you’re experiencing intense psychological distress, or finding yourself really struggling with these kinds of emotions, it’s important to reach out and ask for help. Talk to your GP or a trusted friend about getting professional support to help you get back on track.

But if you’re, like so many women, functioning pretty well day-to-day and just want to free yourself from that nagging self-doubt or looming sense of failure, read on.

Here are 3 ways to break free of the fear of getting in trouble, so you can have the impact you’re here to have.

3 ways to overcome a fear of getting in trouble

1. Find your Queen

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are a simple way to connect to different “versions” of yourself, without losing what makes you unique. The Queen is the PowerType whose behaviour is rooted in her knowledge that her power is hers by birthright. She doesn’t need to prove herself or pass a test. And no one would dare to question her wisdom or her decisions.

Ways to get into your “Queen” PowerType might include moving physically as though you’re wearing a crown and robes. It might sound a bit silly, but give it a try – rolling your shoulders back and lifting your neck can have a surprising impact on how you feel about potential criticism.

Music can be another great way to tap into the PowerTypes. What music might you associate with a regal attitude – a beautiful classical piece? Something upbeat and empowering?

The Queen doesn’t abuse her power, so this isn’t about becoming arrogant. Rather, it’s about accepting that criticism or feedback is something you can take wise counsel from, and leave the rest. It’s information that you can use to inform your future actions, without doubting your magnificence or the intention with which you made past decisions. After all, the queen always acts for the good of her realm.

2. Set boundaries

If fear of getting in trouble is something that’s creeping into your downtime or impacting your ability to relax, it might be time to set some boundaries around causes of stress.

If you work in a high-pressured environment where mistakes can be critical, it’s natural for you to want to avoid making them. What’s problematic is if you notice yourself feeling anxious when you’re at home, playing with your kids.

It might be time to set some boundaries around, say, when you’re available for calls or when you’ll check your work email. Deleting your email from your phone might help you to draw clearer lines between when you’re “on” and when you’re unplugged.

Or you might choose to set some boundaries with someone whose feedback can cause you to wobble. Perhaps you want to arrange a weekly meeting with a colleague so they can feed back on your project, instead of receiving emails throughout the week requesting small changes.

If setting boundaries is something you find challenging, we have a free guide that has helped hundreds of other women learn how to do so gracefully and without drama. It’s called Enough is Enough: How to Gracefully Set Unshakeable Boundaries. You can download it for free by clicking here.

3. Be your own mother

A fear of getting into trouble is often something we first feel as children. From a Women’s PowerTypes perspective, it can be wonderfully empowering to connect to the aspect of yourself that has the characteristics of Mother. You don’t have to have children to feel these.

A healthy Mother loves her children unconditionally, cares about their wellbeing, and nurtures and delights in all they do. Even when those she cares about make mistakes, she sweeps them up in her all-encompassing love, reassuring them that she’s there for them even as they learn and grow.

If you find yourself slipping into a fear of getting into trouble, try connecting to your Mother instincts and giving yourself that sense of unconditional approval.

You might want to journal around that; perhaps writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of a kind, loving mother. How can you make yourself feel safe and held?

Many of us rush through our days without allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, or thinking about how we can take care of themselves.

Try asking yourself what you need, as though you were caring gently for a toddler. Are you tired, thirsty, or hungry? How is it understandable to be feeling what you’re feeling, and what might help you to feel better?

Your fear can be your strength

It’s not always comfortable to acknowledge our fears, but sharing them is a powerful way to find support and discover that you’re really not alone.

And if you worry that one day you’ll really fall flat on your face, take solace in these words from JK Rowling.

“You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

And you certainly don’t have to navigate this stuff by yourself.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to handle Imposter Syndrome

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I was in the boarding lounge at Heathrow Airport, in tears.

(Not one of my proudest moments, I have to say)

I was crying because I was about to do something amazing. It was my first trip to work with Ali Brown, someone who I had followed and looked up to for years and years and years in my industry, and I was getting on a plane to head over to her very first Repower event in Phoenix, Arizona.

So I did what I always do in times like this – I called my sister.

“Sis, I’m freaking out. I feel like a total fraud. I’m heading over to this event and it is going to be full of highly successful women. You have to be doing seven figures even to be in the room.

I don’t even know how I’m going to cope. I’m going to feel like I just don’t fit in. I’m not supposed to be here. I feel like such a fraud.

I’ve just got this baby business that’s a total fluke, and I’m doing this ditzy personal development thing, and what the hell?”

Even thinking about it now I can still feel that feeling. Maybe you can relate? Have you ever found yourself feeling as though, however far you’ve come in life or whatever you’ve achieved, one day you’re going to be “found out” for not having a clue what you’re doing and being a complete fraud?

Welcome to imposter syndrome

For high achieving and successful women, impostor syndrome is incredibly common. And we’re in good company! I was amazed to read what Jodie Foster told one interviewer about her experience of winning an Academy Award for best actor. Now that’s an accolade you’d think would feel like pretty concrete proof you’d arrived, right? Wrong.

“I thought it was a fluke,” she said. “I thought everyone would find out and they’d take the Oscar back. That they’d come to my house knocking on the door, ‘Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else. That was going to Meryl Streep.'”

Or how about Maya Angelou, a writer who I’ve looked up to my entire life as an incredible fount of wisdom and knowledge and extraordinary insight. She’s been quoted as saying,

“I’ve written 11 books but each time I think, uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.”

So if you ever achieve great success and try and write it off as luck or being at the right place at the right time or undeserved, then you’re in really great company.

What is imposter syndrome?

What we’re talking about is that feeling of being a fraud, or being a fake, when actually you’re not. Like sooner or later the whole world is going to find you out. Now that might make sense if you really were ripping people off, or pretending in some way. If you’re an undercover cop, you probably would feel fake from time to time.

But if you are a successful small business owner doing six or seven figures and people love your work… or if you keep getting promoted and praised in your role in an organization, then it’s probably not appropriate to feel like an imposter.

The bottom line is, if you’re really good at whatever you’re doing, then it’s okay for people to believe in you. It doesn’t matter what the thing is – if you’re good at it, it doesn’t make sense to feel like an imposter. So why do we?

The phenomenon was first described by psychologists Suzanne Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s. And they described it as occurring among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept their success.

These high achievers will often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others are eventually going to unmask them as a fraud.

Imposter syndrome holds us back

This feeling that we’re going to be found out stops us stepping into our greatness.

I’ve spoken to successful corporate employees, women who are doing very, very well in high positions inside of their organization who don’t put themselves forward for promotion because they feel like they’re actually not even supposed to be where they already are.

Someone told me she was writing her LinkedIn profile the other day, and she didn’t want to put X, Y and Z into it because she didn’t want to come across like some egomaniac.

We don’t position ourselves powerfully to be able to be of service to the people that we can make a real difference with… because we don’t want to sound like egomaniacs?

That’s imposter syndrome. It stops us from really owning, promoting and putting ourselves forward. Not in a way which says, “Look at how great I am.” But in a way that says, “Look these are my achievements. This is what I have done. And I can help you.”

How to handle imposter syndrome

  1. Reach out

Having someone you can talk to when Imposter Syndrome strikes is something that I highly recommend. I’ve got my sister, who I can always count on. Back in that airport lounge at Heathrow, when I called her in tears before my trip to meet Ali Brown, she gave it to me straight:

“You own your success, woman. You go over there and you’re not just networking for you, you’re networking for our whole business and for all of those women in the developing world that we help out. You get out there, you own your success and you go for it.”

I rely on loads of other people too – my husband, my team, my fellow coaches. These days I’m consciously leaning into collaboration and working with others, because if I’m feeling not good enough then they will remind me.

Who could you turn to when you need an outside perspective on how you’re doing?

  1.  Read over your bio

If you’re an entrepreneur you might have a bio you share; if you’re employed, it might be a CV. Either way, looking at how you present the facts of what you’ve achieved to others is a great way to remind yourself of just how great you really are. (If you’re a mum, there’s always asking your kids – it might not be the specific insight you’re looking for, but they definitely think you’re pretty awesome!).

  1. Keep an “I rock” file

My friend Kim taught me this – she keeps a file of all of the clippings and little thank you cards and everything that anyone’s ever given her that has her feel really great. You could keep a special folder in your emails for the notes that really make your day, or pin thank you cards above your desk so you can see them whenever self-doubt kicks in.

  1. Go deeper

At a deeper level you do have to accept that you have had some role in your success. You may well have had an opportunity that others weren’t given but you need to accept that you were instrumental in being ready for that opportunity.

It’s not fair, if you had an advantage over others, sure. Life isn’t fair. But you had to do something to get where you are, and you need to own that. So spend some time accepting that success that you’ve had.

  1. It’s not about you

The final thing that really helps me is shifting from “me” focus to “other” focus. When my sister asks me to refocus on the women in the developing world that we’ve supported through the Hunger Project, it’s much easier for me to recognise, “Yeah, I did help those women to create something they would not have otherwise been able to create. I do make a difference.”

So focusing on the value that you provide and the difference you make to others really, really helps.

Time to get real

What opportunities are you not stepping into because of the fear of being found out?

It might be in your relationship. It might be as a mother. It might be in your business. It might be in your job. Whatever it is, identify it, and reframe it for yourself.

How are you stopping being of service for others by holding yourself back in this way?

Share in the comments below!

And remember – Kate Winslet feels it every time she goes on set. Jodie Foster feels it when she receives her awards. Maya Angelou feels it every time she writes a new book. You’re in great company. You’re one of many women who feels this impostor syndrome and hey, that’s a great club to be a part of, but it doesn’t stop them – so don’t let it stop you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: How to build inner confidence

By

Helen Reynolds
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Helen Reynolds

Image Consultant | Professional Shopper | Blogger | Mum of two boys | Sock Washer |Confidence Booster
Helen Reynolds
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Latest posts by Helen Reynolds (see all)

Equipping you with the tools you need to go out and make positive change happen is our number one goal. And one vital tool that we could all do with a bit more of is confidence – the kind that lights us up from the inside.

As a gender, on average, we are far less confident than the average man. Lower confidence levels mean that we are far less likely to take the brave, crucial, and damn difficult, first steps needed to make the progress that our world needs.

How to build inner confidence

Why is this? Well, there is lots in the mixing pot, from our likelihood of suffering from imposter syndrome, to the effect of the media and the way we beat ourselves up about not being ‘perfect’ enough.

Sadly, it’s a fact that the way we feel about how we look impacts the level of confidence we have. If you aren’t happy with how you look on the outside, especially if you don’t feel that the clothes you wear truly represents the you on the inside, it can monkey with your confidence.

If you’ve ever had that horrible sensation of not ‘looking the part’ you know that it can prevent you from having the courage to ask for a promotion, get out and meet people, or take on a job that involves regular board meetings or speaking engagements. This is wrong, but it’s also fact.

Having ‘What the heck am I going to wear today?’ squared away FOR LIFE means having one less thing to worry about, and brings with it the confidence of knowing that you always look authentically yourself.

So, how to get this sorted?

Well, when Jo wanted to deal with this herself she asked me for my help. And today I want to share the advice I gave her – and my other clients – when it came to creating a signature style that would really help her to have the biggest impact.

I’ve created this video to help you learn how to develop a ‘personal style’ that reflects your personality and makes choosing the right outfit for the right occasion effortless.

You’ll discover:

• Why some clothes, no matter how nice or expensive they are, make you feel terrible.
• The 3 steps you can take today to figure out your personal style.
• How to get your image sorted for life, so that you can get on with everything else!

Here it is….

 

There’s something truly empowering about knowing that you look the best version of yourself, without having to resort to spending a fortune, or slavishly following fashion.

So you can carry on being the leader you are here to be.

 

About Helen Reynolds

Helen Reynolds: How to build inner confidenceHelen Reynolds is one of our BeFruitful mentors, and works personally with Jo to put together her powerful outfits for the stage.

As an image consultant she’s helped hundreds of women to turbo-boost their personal style and develop killer confidence. Her speciality is in helping women who have lost their way with style and need a boost find clothes they love – and which love them back.

Time to get your style sorted?

If you’d like an easy way to get this stuff sorted out, and learn more, why not join Helen at her ‘Get Your Style Sorted!’ Masterclass in London on 12th of May. Helen has been running this annual event for the past five years and plenty of women in our community have attended.

Not only is it a great day out, but you’ll come away knowing the fundamental lessons that you need to create a personal style for yourself. Having this stuff nailed takes the stress out of shopping and ends wondering what to wear FOR LIFE.

To get £27 off the usual ticket price (and bring a friend for half price!) click here to book your ticket.

This will be an awesome day out, and a fantastic opportunity to spend some time on yourself in the company of great women, so, don’t miss out on the opportunity to get your style sorted!

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How to be confident

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

How can I be more confident?

It’s a question I’ve been asked more times than I can count. So let me try and answer it definitively. But first, let’s dispel a few myths.

I personally believe there is a lot of rubbish being talked about confidence.

The Problem with Aiming for “Being More Confident”

I feel that we have the focus in the wrong place. When it comes to confidence the focus seems to be very much about getting us to a destination, a place where we are invincible and fearless, ready to take on any task that we are faced with. Like a Superwoman, she’s unshakeable- you can throw her into a foreign country, with strangers, having jumped out of an aeroplane to deliver a challenging business presentation and a vocal solo and she’ll handle it all with aplomb because she oozes confidence.

Come on!

Do you actually know ANYONE who fits this definition of confidence? I only know one or two, and to be perfectly honest I think they may have a bit of a personality disorder… so let’s redefine it!

Having confidence is not about being a confident person ALL THE TIME.

Let’s face it: we are all different. We are introverts and extroverts. We’re bubbly or serene. We all have totally different personalities so this idea that a “confident person” is one type, one size fits all, flies in the face of our individuality.

We don’t all need to become some sort of bubbly social butterfly who is always chatting up strangers and singing karaoke. Of course, that’s great if you want it, but our focus at One of many is to develop a confidence that fits with who you truly are.

So if confidence isn’t being a fearless daredevil who’s ready to leap into the unknown without so much as a backwards glance, what is it?

You feel confident in relationship to something

Confidence is how you feel when you’re asked about the everyday tasks you carry out without a thought.

Let me ask you something: “Can you tie your shoelaces?”

Did you answer yes?

Notice that feeling you have about the answer to that question? Unless you never progressed past velcro straps on your trainers, that feeling– that is confidence.

You see, confidence is something that comes in relation to a certain task we want to be doing.

It’s not a permanent state of being. It’s how you feel about your ability to do something.

How much confidence is enough?

When talking about confidence we also have a tendency to think about it in terms of something we are lacking. But I believe that most of us have enough confidence to do most things we desire, it’s just that we are looking for it in the wrong places.

Let me ask you this: can you walk into a shop and ask where they keep the milk?

If you have enough self-esteem for this- you have the makings of all the confidence you need. Some people can’t do that. They may have debilitating social issues, like huge anxiety or agoraphobia. But if you have enough self-esteem for this, you have the makings to be able to do most things.

If I have the confidence where do I find it?

For most of us, the reason we don’t feel confident to do stuff is because of Imposter Syndrome. It’s that icky feeling that we’re going to get found out, that we’re not qualified or good enough for the task at hand. This is something that I have suffered from massively in the past and my remedy for this is simple and here it is:

Surround yourself with people who believe in you more than you believe in yourself.

For me, it’s my Mum, my sisters, friends and my team here at One of many™. These people all encourage me to push myself to do things, they are my cheerleaders.

The Three Steps to Confidence

  1. Surround yourself with people who believe in you.

Now, this is a probably a little controversial because most personal development coaches will tell you confidence comes from within but I believe that it really can come from outside of you. When you surround yourself with people who have high expectations of what you’re capable of, you just sort of get on with doing things! If you allow yourself to, you learn to live into that space that they are holding for you.

  1. Ask “Do I have the skills and knowledge I need?”

So what happens when everyone around you believes in you but you still think “there’s no way I can do this thing!” Because let’s face it- that still happens!!

The next step to accessing confidence for a situation is to do check to see if you actually KNOW how to handle a situation. Ask yourself:

  • Do I know how to do this?
  • Do I have the knowledge and skills?
  • Have I got what it takes?

Because I know way too many people who expect themselves to be confident at something with no education. I teach public speaking a lot. And so many people say “I could never do that”. But they’ve never been taught how! They don’t know what they would say, how to structure a talk that gives them confidence, how to deliver a talk etc. So of course they’ll think they can’t do it. If no-one taught you to tie a shoelace you’d have no confidence for that either!

When trying to feel more confident gaining education around what it is you’re trying to achieve can be a really great place to start.

  1. Choose the right Women’s PowerType for the job

Once you have educated yourself on what it takes the next step is to decide who will take on this task. Now, I know you’re probably thinking well it’s me of course and you’re absolutely right but what we’re talking about here is deciding which part of you is the best woman for the job.

At One of many™, we talk about the five Women’s PowerTypes™; The Lover, The Mother, The Queen, The Warrioress and The Sorceress. Our PowerTypes are the parts of us that we call upon to help us at different times.

We can all play the clown in the right situation, we can be the caregiver or nurturing mother, depending on the situation. So what I’m suggesting here is we can consciously draw upon any one of our PowerTypes for confidence.

Imagine this …

You have just started a new job and you’ve been invited to the office party and you’re feeling nervous about stepping into a room of unfamiliar people, wondering if you’ll have the confidence to talk to new people.

This would be the perfect time to bring in your Queen PowerType. The Queen is serene and graceful, she is the type that walks into to a room and owns it, she doesn’t do guilt and is totally assured of her place in her realm.

Well, we all have the Queen within us, it’s just a question of accessing that power in your body and consciously using it as a tool to gain more confidence in a situation, in this case bringing her to the party!

The same goes for all of the five PowerTypes, you just need to know what part to access and when is the best time to do it.

If you’d like to learn more about using your Women’s PowerTypes, do check out our free Soft PowerCasts here.

So to summarise:

  • Redefine confidence to something you have in relationship to a task, not as a permanent state of being.
  • Seek out people who believe in you more than you believe in yourself and find your confidence there.
  • Make sure you have the education you need for what you’re trying to do
  • Access the relevant Women’s PowerType to pull off the task!

And let me know – what do you do to make yourself feel more confident?

 

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When you feel like you have nothing left to give, do this…

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

We all know that woman who is everyone’s saviour… or everyone’s doormat… depending on how you look at it.

Maybe she’s you.

She’s the one who is always there to listen to anyone with a problem. The one that you call at the last minute to babysit, the one who’s always there to co-host the webinar, the one that will whip up two dozen cupcakes for every school bake sale.

Sometimes she’s the one that stays in a situation that even she admits is no good for her, or the one that is waiting for that magical ‘one day’ when other people are going to realise everything she’s done for them and finally start paying her back. Most often, she’s the one that’s gradually sinking under a tide of over commitment, time poverty, exhaustion, and simmering resentment.

 Maybe she’s you.

I think a lot of women go through at least one phase of trying to be everything to everyone at some point in their lives. Perhaps it’s being supermum, a die-hard activist, or the career woman who runs herself ragged at work during the week and then beats herself up for not doing more on the weekends. As women, we sometimes use sacrifice as a way of showing love. But the problem comes when we start sacrificing ourselves and letting people take advantage of us.

If you read nothing past this point, then I really hope you’ll at least take this away:

  • There are no prizes in life for exhaustion and self-sacrifice.
  • You’re not going to be able to help anyone if you don’t learn how to take care of yourself first.
  • And it really, truly doesn’t have to be this way.

We all come to this edge every now and again. As a recovering perfectionist with a side order of Imposter Syndrome I really get it. I want you to know that it’s not uncommon for women to reach this place no matter how wise you are. I think it’s our big hearts that do it to us. But it’s imperative that we put ourselves first and find the solution to this problem.

The answer lies in boundaries.

Boundaries are so important, and yet for so many of us women, talking about them feels uncomfortable. If you want to have strong boundaries, it feels like you either have to run people over and generally be very masculine, or if you want to care for people it feels like you have to be a pushover. But this is absolutely not the case!

You don’t have to choose between being a bitch and being a pushover — what you need to be is a Queen.

Every Queen has a realm; what’s yours going to be? Your realm is those people you care about and choose to impact or have some kind of personal connection with. This could be your clients, your family, your friends, a charity you support, your colleagues … whomever you choose.

But the key is that you have to choose. You can’t be responsible for the whole world, and you can’t take everything to heart. You have a finite amount of time and energy, and it’s incredibly important that you spend these resources carefully! So before you do anything else, ask yourself who’s in your realm.

How to figure out your boundaries

When figuring out your boundaries, you need to have some sense of what you’re OK with. This will intersect strongly with your personality and your needs. For instance, an introvert will likely have a boundary of needing a specific amount of alone time, and would feel infringed upon if they were constantly required to be out and about. Someone else might have a boundary around the amount of chores they do around the house, while another might have a boundary about how they get feedback. And of course, everyone has boundaries around their basic rights and treatment as humans.

What you really need to remember as you’re setting your boundaries is to set them at the level where your needs are met. You don’t set a boundary below where your
needs are met, or at the point where you put up with it and put up with it until you suddenly explode. You set it at the point where you’re doing fine. But any further
infringement would cause you to feel anger, disrespect or upset.

So when you’re thinking about the different areas of your life, ask yourself, “What is it that I need to be fine in this situation? What boundaries or rules do I need?”

Action Step:  Take some time to think about some boundaries which are important to you right now. You don’t have to have them all, just a few to get started with!
If you’re having trouble, think about things that make you angry. Anger is often a sign that someone is crossing one of your boundaries, so it makes a good indicator.

For more on setting and enforcing your boundaries, Grab your free Enough is Enough report now. In it you’ll learn how to gracefully set unbreakable boundaries and how to say no with ease, in a way that works for everyone. There are specific action steps for you to take to guide you on a gentle journey of reclaiming your space.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

After all stuff happens no matter how intelligent or important we are. It’s how we handle it that determines our impact.

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My Friend the Imposter Syndrome!

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I have a confession to make. I was on a coaching call with my mentor, Ali Brown last night. And I realised once more how my crazy li’l mind holds me back. Well- she pointed it out to me, actually.

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a terrible networker. Give me a stage in front of 3000 people and I’m fine. Make me introduce myself to 1 person I admire- doesn’t happen!

Do you recognise IMPOSTER SYNDROME?!

Our conversation went a bit like this:

Ali: Would it be fair to say you run one of the largest and fastest growing women’s communities in the UK?

Jo: Yes.

Ali: I’ve never spoken to anyone who doesn’t LOVE you and your content. Is there anyone?

Jo: Maybe, but not many probably.

Ali: Why would anyone NOT want to hear from you?

Jo thinks: Because I’m just little ol’ me and they might not like me.

Jo says: Um… um… um….

Tell me I’m not alone?! I’m pretty sure I’m not the only successful woman out there who thinks one day someone is going to find out I’m only me and my successes have all been a giant fluke.

Does this sound familiar?

Imposter syndrome is really debilitating.

Even when we do succeed, many of us don’t feel we’ve earned it.

We worry that any moment we’ll be found out as the imposters we know ourselves to be.

We feel the need to work harder, we won’t put ourselves forward, and we hide behind charm or false humility.

Yet, the world that needs us is missing our talents because we don’t feel good enough.

We need to “own” our talents, and really claim our leadership potential.

So- I made a commitment to Ali to reach out to three new contacts a week.

I invite you to make a commitment too.

Rather than 3, can I suggest 300 though?

How about joining me and over 300 successful women at the One Woman Conference in November?

It’s a 2-day gathering of extraordinary speakers, leaders and grassroots change makers. Many of us, like me, like you perhaps, suffering from Imposter Syndrome, but are committed to staying connected in spite of it!

A lovely lady commented on a recent blog I wrote about Overcoming Imposter Syndrome that she had lived with it all her life but was finally taking steps to conquer it. Imposter Syndrome is something that hangs around but it doesn’t need to stop you when you have the right strategies.

In the blog I shared these 8 strategies
1. Reach out to someone.
2. Remind yourself what you have achieved.
3. Create an ‘I rock’ file
4. Own your success
5. Shift from ‘me’ focus to ‘other’ focus
6. Stop comparing yourself to little miss perfect
7. Be unafraid to feel it
8. Name it

Step 1 Reach out to someone is crucial.

Find sources of support that you can turn to in those moments of fear. The people who will champion you, encourage you and remind you how great you are. I feel truly blessed to be surrounded by the most amazing supportive people in my life.

Do you have a good support network?

We all need support and encouragement and the people I surround myself with really help me to keep going when that little voice of doubt creeps in. Our ever growing One of many community is a powerfully supportive place for women. I witness time and again women really stepping up to what they feel called to do with this level of support. It’s remarkable and definitely what we women need because we were not designed to do things in isolation. We thrive in community and collaboration.

The One Woman Conference delegates are business owners, and corporate leaders; managers and mums; activists and action takers. What brings us together? A shared sense that when women find the courage to step up to the level they feel called to, the whole world benefits.

Are you looking for a community like this? Do you feel ready for the most transformational 2 days of your life and career, guaranteed?

If you do then come and join us.

We’ll give that Imposter Syndrome a firm kick up the arse, and get you connected with incredible women who see your potential.

We are now over 79% sold out and only have 15 Premiere tickets left. You deserve to be there. Don’t let the little imposter brain not let you get your ticket today.

http://onewomanconference.co.uk

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8 strategies to overcome Imposter Sydrome

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you ever have that feeling that sooner or later someone is going to find out that you’re actually no good at whatever it is you’re doing, that you’re a total fraud…. or indeed you’ve not taken opportunities IN CASE someone finds out you’re a fraud… then chances are you’re suffering from Imposter Syndrome. In this blog we take a look at why we feel it (or avoid it), and what to do about it.

Imposter Syndrome was first described by Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes as ‘Occuring among high achievers who are unable to internalise and accept their success. These high achievers will often contribute their success to luck rather than accomplishment and fear that others are going to unmask them.’

It is very common in high achievers, and more common in women than in men.

Jodie Foster, feared she’d have to give her Oscar back after winning it for ‘The Accused’. “I thought it was a fluke,” she said in an interview. Another extraordinary actress Kate Winslet, said “fame doesn’t give you confidence.” And Maya Angelou, an incredible woman who was a fount of wisdom, knowledge and extraordinary insight, suffered with it as well. Even though she wrote 11 books, she still feared she would be ‘found out.’

If you ever feel like you’re a bit of a fraud, if you ever achieve great success but try and write it off as luck or being in the right place at the right time, you’re in really great company.

Imposter Syndrome is a horrible feeling. A strong sense that you’re a fake, or an imposter. That one day you’re going to be found out.

This feeling stops us stepping into our greatness. Every time I up-level I get this feeling. It’s so powerfully uncomfortable that sometimes we avoid taking the steps or embracing the opportunities that may come our way in an attempt to avoid it.

It has us play small. It has us not be bold for fear of being found out.

It affects many of us – small business owners, big business owners, celebrities and also successful corporate employees. As entrepreneurs it stops you owning your talents and promoting yourself. As a corporate it stops you putting yourself forward for promotion because you don’t even feel like you should even be where you are.

I truly believe that your hearts’ desire and the will of source are one and the same.

The etymology of desire is de sidere which means of the stars.

If you long for something, wish for something or even just hope for something. It’s because it’s destined. It’s supposed to be. I call them your marching orders.

Many of us don’t go after our desires because we feel like we’re not big enough or bold enough for it. We feel like an imposter. The fear of being found out, and the shame that would result in stops us.

Brené Brown has made an amazing contribution in the psychological field in relation to shame and guilt. She suggests that vulnerability is the key to getting past these limiting feelings and that we have to go through shame, through the vulnerability to get to whole- hearted, to get to the feeling of joy and living on purpose.

This is reflected in the common call for women who are further along in their careers to share their vulnerabilities, in order to help those below them to be bold enough to step up. It’s common to look at those ahead of us and think they have everything sorted, or that is was easy for them, which is usually not the case at all.

Personally, I go through cycles. I’ve been up-levelling lately and it always raises the familiar old feelings of discomfort. Increasingly I become bolder as I am prepared to be vulnerable and step into the discomfort that arises as I embrace what I am inspired to do in the world.

Recently two of the women in my mastermind were on Necker Island with George and Amal Clooney, some other extraordinary people, and of course Richard Branson.

I got an invite for that trip and I didn’t go. The topic was interesting but wasn’t particularly my bag, they were discussing politics and criminal justice. But was that the only reason I didn’t go? It did make me have a look at my imposter syndrome. I found underlying was a fear of going and being the dumbest and least successful person in the room.

My fellow master-minders shared that they went exactly for this, knowing they would be the dumbest and poorest people in the room, but in doing so they would be able to be the greatest students.

How can you overcome Imposter Syndrome?

  1. Reach out to someone.

Find sources of support that you can turn to in those moments of fear. The people who will champion you, encourage you and remind you how great you are. I feel truly blessed to be surrounded by the most amazing supportive people in my life. We all need support and encouragement.

  1. Remind yourself what you have achieved.

Read over your bio. I often do this when I have Imposter Syndrome moments. It’s really great to remind yourself of all the things you have done and achieved in your life. Don’t forget the small things either.

  1. Create an ‘I rock’ file

Create an ‘I rock’ file by collecting clippings, thank you cards, notes, messages on facebook or emails of congratulations or thanks. Have a look through your I rock file when you need reminding of the positive difference you’ve made to other people and the things you’ve achieved.

  1. Own your success

Accept that you have had some role in your success. Yes you may have had an opportunity that others didn’t have but there are plenty of people born with a silver spoon who mess it up. Life’s not fair but you did do something to get where you are.

  1. Shift from ‘me’ focus to ‘other’ focus

There’s nothing like shifting your focus from yourself to others to overcome Imposter Syndrome and discover the impetus to go for it.

I’m passionate about The hunger project (an organisation committed to the sustainable end of world hunger). When Imposter Syndrome rears its head I think of all the women, their families and communities that we have helped so far.

  1. Stop comparing yourself to little miss perfect

Drop the idea of how you think you should be and stop looking at other women from the outside. I was really surprised to discover my coach Ali Brown also has Imposter Syndrome, she’s achieved some remarkable things and is an extraordinary woman. Yet every single human being is vulnerable is some way, it’s good to remember that.

  1. Be unafraid to feel it

Get out there and be vulnerable. Claim it, be bold, get out there and do the thing that makes you feel vulnerable. Remember Brené Brown’s research that in order to get past shame you need to feel it.

  1. Name it

When you next feel like a fraud remind yourself that it is just a feeling. You are not a not a fraud, you are just feeling like a fraud. Phone one of your support buddies and say “I’m having a moment of Imposter Syndrome.”

 

I hope you find those strategies helpful. Take a moment right now to consider what opportunities are you not stepping into because of the fear of being found out?

I’ve got 2 challenges for you this week, firstly I invite you to find the support that helps you to move forward when Imposter Syndrome sneaks up on you.

Second ask yourself what could I be doing if imposter syndrome wasn’t holding me back?

Remember Jodie Foster and Kate Winslet feel it too and it doesn’t stop them, so don’t let it stop you.

I look forward to hearing about your breakthroughs. Share them in the comments here or in our BeOne community.