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Guest blog: Is positive thinking good for you?

By

Annie Stoker

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many
Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.
Annie Stoker

Latest posts by Annie Stoker (see all)

Positive thinking is everywhere! You can’t have a coffee, go on Facebook or buy a journal without seeing messages to “think positively” and “be happy”. In our modern culture of busyness, stress and overwhelm, staying positive has become ever more popular as a way to keep focused on what we want to achieve and how we want to feel. But is positive thinking good for you, or could it have hidden drawbacks? Here’s a take you might not have thought of – and some important aspects to watch out for.

How can positive thinking help?

Many people are familiar with the saying that we ‘create what we think about’, and from this perspective positive thinking makes sense.

  • When we focus on something positive, such as going for a promotion that we want with a constructive outlook, we will create pleasant feelings which will influence how we act in the interview.
  • If we tell ourselves that we will never get the promotion, are not good enough and that nothing good ever happens to us, then we are likely to create a negative mood which will cause us to show up as anything but our best in the interview.

In this way, what we tell ourselves has a very real impact on our experience and results. However, this is not the only effect of positive thinking. Sometimes it can have some downsides too!

3 downsides of positive thinking

1. It can lead us to ignore our instincts

If we constantly need to change our thoughts from negative to positive, we may be ignoring what those so-called negative thoughts are trying to tell us.

I have met quite a few ‘deluded optimists’ in my time, who insist on putting a positive spin on situations that are clearly really unpleasant or upsetting.

There is a wonderful book by the philosopher Voltaire called ‘Candide’ in which the hero is taught that ‘everything is the best in this best of all possible worlds’. He is told to keep seeing life this way even though life is throwing him disaster after disaster.

By not listening to our thoughts that tell us ‘this is not ok’ we can risk ignoring warnings that could actually help us.

2. It gives power to the negative thoughts

If we constantly need to change our thoughts from positive to negative, we don’t learn how to deal with thoughts as a whole. Think of it this way: The mind is a machine that churns out thoughts. Some are useful and many are not.

However, if we don’t learn how to interact with the mind in a more mindful way, then we are always believing the negative thoughts, not liking them and then needing to turn them into positive ones.

Mindfulness gives us the ability to neutrally observe all types of thoughts, so that we are less affected by their content and don’t automatically believe them, just because they are in our head.

Let’s face it, the mind will always churn out thoughts, so having to always change negative thoughts to positive is quite a task! Mindfulness allows us to accept thoughts just as ‘mental events’ rather than the truth. As such we can engage or disengage from individual thoughts at will which allows us a great degree of autonomy from the mind.

3. It drains your energy

As we discussed earlier, negative thoughts create negative emotions. Positive thoughts create positive emotions. So, therefore, I hear you say, we just need to keep thinking positive thoughts so that we will feel happy!

Well, it’s not quite that simple.

If we insist on thinking positively, we run the very real risk of avoiding the negative feelings inside us. These may be from the past, or from current events. You may think that is a good thing! But research shows that when we avoid or suppress any of our emotions, it has a significant effect in lowering our levels of wellbeing.

Emotions are designed to be felt and released. For example, crying releases oxytocin and endorphins in tears which helps you to feel better. Emotions don’t cause us problems, but avoiding them does. If we suppress our emotions, they don’t go away, but just create a backlog inside us.

This can cause us to be overreactive to small triggers, to develop addictions to substances that make us feel better and can eventually negatively impact our health.

It is therefore important to keep releasing our emotions when they arise so that we fully process our reactions to our daily life. Many of us also have a big backlog from past events that we didn’t process completely, often because we didn’t like the feelings we had. These can turn into what I call ‘emotional allergies’ which we will do anything to avoid. That can include avoiding relationships so that we don’t feel hurt, not going for a promotion so that we don’t feel rejected or not taking our business to the next level in case we feel failure. These emotional allergies can run many of our behaviours – and therefore results – without us knowing about them.

What emotional balance looks like

Developing emotional equity, on the other hand, allows us to feel and welcome all emotions equally. There aren’t actually any negative emotions. Only ones that we find comfortable and those that we find uncomfortable.

Mindfulness gives us the skills to allow, welcome and accept all our emotions with kindness and compassion towards ourselves. This can enable us to both clear the backlog from the past effectively and deal with emotions in the present much more easily.

So, in summary, yes – positive thinking helps us feel positive! But it can also sometimes cause us to either avoid reality as it is, or our emotions as they are.

Bringing mindful awareness to your external life and your internal experience can give you a sense of peace no matter what is going on.

About Annie Stoker

Psychotherapist. Author. Property Investor. Dog-Lover. Chilled-Out Friend.

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK’s most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

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What brings fulfilment in life?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If I asked you whether you wanted to feel fulfilled in your life – your work, your relationships, your contribution – you’d probably give a wholehearted YES, right? But if I asked how you could actually create that feeling: what brings fulfilment in life, or how we can know when we’re fully experiencing it, you wouldn’t be alone if you found it a bit harder to articulate.

Fulfilment is the answer to making a positive difference in the world without burning ourselves out. And yet many of us aren’t really clear on exactly what we mean by it, or how we can take practical steps to find fulfilment if it’s missing. Today I’m going to share 4 powerful questions you can ask yourself to discover how much fulfilment you’re currently experiencing in your life – and what you could do to increase it.

Fulfilment isn’t static

Before we start, a quick note on one thing I know to be true: Change is inevitable. As time goes by, what brings you fulfillment will also change. So if you find yourself wondering why something you once found fulfilling seems to have lost its sheen, don’t worry: There’s nothing wrong, and you haven’t made a “mistake”.

The trick to finding fulfillment throughout your life is to choose your activities wholeheartedly accordingly to what brings you fulfilment at each stage of your life… and then when that particular season of your life comes to an end, know that you can transition, and pivot into something new. You don’t have to burn bridges or forgo commitments.

What’s your life’s work right now?

In the following questions, I use the word “work” to describe your day to day activities. At BeFulfilled, the two-day retreat where we explore these themes in more detail, we use the phrase “life’s work” as a nod to the fact that this doesn’t have to refer to paid work or a career. Your life’s work might be:

  • Raising children
  • Making art
  • Being a carer for someone you love
  • Giving back to your community in some way.

How to use these questions

You might want to grab your journal and jot down your thoughts on these 4 points, or simply sit and think about how you’d answer them. Or why not forward this article to a friend and take it in turns to ask each other these questions?

However you choose to explore, it’s worth taking the time to consider which of these ingredients might need a little more attention in your life right now. 

4 ingredients of a fulfilled life

1. Do you find MEANING in your current work?

The first ingredient to fulfilment is meaning.

Finding meaning in what you’re doing doesn’t have to mean you’re engaged in profound or even stimulating activities every moment of every day. Raising children is certainly a meaningful job, but it sure as hell involves plenty of less-than-meaningful activities – most of them involving bodily fluids.

Perhaps your work has you mired in spreadsheets or grappling with awkward clients more often than you’d like, but overall do you feel a sense of meaning behind what you do? Does it fit into a bigger picture you’re invested in – whether for you personally, for your family, or for the planet?

Which leads me to the second ingredient when it comes to feeling fulfilled:

Contribution.

2. Does your work allow you to make a CONTRIBUTION in some way?

Contribution is the feeling that you’re giving something through the work you do. That you’re making a difference to the planet, or your community, or to other people. It will look very different for everyone.

It might be voluntary work that makes a difference to your local community. A position in academia that helps move research forward. Feeling that you’re developing and growing your team into truly outstanding individuals.

To what extent do you feel that your current work allows you to give something back to the world?

3. Does your work bring you JOY?

I’m not suggesting that fulfillment can only arrive when you’re in a state of constant happiness. (For starters, I’m not actually sure that exists). But if we don’t have an enthusiasm for what we’re doing each day, it’s hard to have a sense that we’re really as fulfilled as we could be.

Joy is a feeling that many of us weren’t taught to look for in our work, and yet when we experience it, it can be a catalyst for profound change and impact that’s far easier than if you’re gritting your teeth and “pushing through” each day.

How much joy do you currently experience? How could you find more?

The final ingredient is one that feels great when we get to really experience it:

4. Does your work give you opportunities for EXCELLENCE?

Whether it’s cleaning, coaching or managing million-dollar budgets, when you’re truly excellent at whatever it is you’re doing there’s an unparalleled feeling of satisfaction that arises. Excellence occurs when your gifts, talents and abilities are utilized to the full, so that you’re really aware that you’re doing your very best work.

Excellence is something we often value greatly in others but can sometimes find it hard to acknowledge in ourselves. Try thinking about the moments when you are most “in your flow” – when time seems to pass without you noticing, and you’re fully absorbed in whatever it is you’re doing. Often, they’re the times when you’re working in your most excellent way – and can lead to a sense of intense fulfillment when you look back at what you’ve achieved.

The fulfilment paradox

Of course, while we can identify certain ingredients that can lead to feeling fulfilled, it’s also true that fulfillment is just a feeling. An emotional state. There’s no litmus test anyone can perform to decide whether or not you “should” be feeling fulfilled right now.

If you’d like to explore the idea of fulfillment more deeply, or if you’re at a point where things are shifting and you know you’re being called to adapt what once worked for you, get in touch with our team to find out what tools and programs might make all the difference.

I’d love to know what you found came up for you as you read these questions. Are there any others you’d add? Share in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to replenish yourself in 2 minutes

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’re doing something that requires a lot of your energy – managing a job with big responsibilities, wrangling toddlers, travelling, pouring your heart into fulfilling work – it’s really important to take the time to fill yourself up. And yes, getting a good night’s sleep, taking the weekend to recharge or booking yourself in for an hour-long treatment are all great ways to do that.

But what if you simply don’t have time to give yourself a full rest session. Are there any ways to replenish yourself quickly and effectively – in 2 minutes?

That very question popped up in our Facebook community. It was posed by a mum looking to give herself a quick break from taking care of her energetic children over the holidays – but the responses were too good not to share.

So, in no particular order, here are ten of the best quick ways we know to recharge yourself.

10 ways to recharge in 2 minutes

1. Ground yourself

“Lie down on the grass (weather permitting!) or your floor, and breathe consciously in and out.”

2. Untwizzle

“With your feet on the floor, cross your ankles. Cross your wrists the opposite way (eg. left over right, then right over left – it doesn’t matter which order, as long as they’re different) and place them on your hips. Put your tongue behind your top teeth, and breathe through your nose.”

3. The scent of change

“I have trained my brain to link the smell of lavender to feeling peaceful. One sniff now and I am good.”

4. Tree gazing

“Standing outside looking at a tree, taking some slow, deep breaths, feeling the ground beneath you and the sky above, really noticing everything about the tree – the shape, the colours, the way it moves in the breeze. If you can’t get outside, even looking at a picture of a tree can be beneficial!”

5. Tappity tap

“You can make quite an impact by using EFT (a.k.a.Tapping) for just 2-3 minutes. It helps calm the limbic system (which is responsible for emotions) bringing about a sense of peace and calm. There are plenty of videos on YouTube you can look at if you’re not familiar with the basics. Only takes a couple of minutes to pick up and you can do it even while you’re with your kids (and teach it to them too!)”

6. Play!

“A technique a play therapist taught me was to look in the mirror and jump up and down for 2 minutes shouting yes yes yes or anything else positive and special to you.”

7. Show some love

“One for boosting your lover energy is moisturising or applying sun cream mindfully – just enjoying smoothing your skin and appreciate your body sending yourself love whilst you do it.”

8. Smell the flowers

“Go into the garden and sniff a flower close up,a big lung full but mind the bees!”

9. Get present

“Stand still and look up to the sky, look at your feet and look left and right. Ground yourself in the present. Whilst doing this breath in for 4 and out for 5. ”

10. Dance it out

“I love to put on music and dance”

We absolutely love these suggestions – what would you add? What are your go-to’s when the world gets too much and you only have a few minutes to collect yourself?

Is it time you had more than 2 minutes to spare?

While mini-rituals like this can be really helpful as stop-gaps, if you’re finding that you never manage to take a proper rest it could be that it’s time to rethink the way you’re approaching everything on your plate.

From Frantic to Fruitful: Time and Energy Secrets of Busy Women is our free training that can help you do just that. In it, I show you how to find an additional 5 hours a week (minimum!) so you can do what you feel called to, kick off that business, start that exercise program… or simply replenish yourself the way you need to.

Click here to sign up for this free training.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The difference between goals and dreams

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

What’s the difference between goals and dreams? Are they simply different words for talking about what’s essentially the same thing, or is there a distinction between them when it comes to creating the future you want?

The language you use to describe what you’re doing matters. Knowing what your aim is can give you access to different tools and behaviours that can help you get to where you want to go.

But first, let’s get clear on what we mean when we talk about these two concepts.

The difference between goals and dreams

Goals are commonly used in a work context, or when we’re talking about something specific.

You might have come across the acronym SMART used when talking about goal setting. There are variations on what the different letters stand for, but an often-accepted definition is:

  • Specific
  • Measurable
  • Achievable
  • Realistic
  • Time-sensitive

Examples of goals might be…

Run 5km by October

Increase business profits by 50% this quarter

Teach my daughter to tie her shoelaces independently by the time she starts school

Dreams, on the other hand, tend to have a more abstract feel to them.

They might not be something you can write down or describe in words – your dream might be an image, a feeling or a very broad idea of something you would like to experience in your future.

Your dream might be…

To have my own business doing work I love

To travel somewhere adventurous

To feel true soul connection to my partner

Why distinguish between goals and dreams?

The difference between these concepts is pretty clear, then. While a goal is something that’s straightforward to describe and plan for, a dream is something less tangible. You’ll know when you get there, but you might not have a clear sense of exactly when that will be or what the steps are for you to achieve it.

Many of us have been brought up in a society where goals are considered to be superior to dreams.

Perhaps you were told by a teacher or a parent that you “daydreamed” too much, or that you needed to make your dreams more concrete.

In the workplace, we’re often encouraged to set realistic, measurable targets – and of course, it makes sense to be able to define when we’ve achieved certain outcomes and to be able to track our progress.

But does that really make dreams inferior?

Dreams vs. goals: The PowerTypes insight

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ are powerful role models of female leadership that enable us to access our inner resources and step into our most powerful selves.

When it comes to goals and dreams, we see two PowerTypes come to the fore: The Queen and the Sorceress. Here’s how they can help you get clear on what you’re aiming for.

Setting goals with the Queen

Call to mind an archetypal queen: serene, regal and authoritative, she steers her realm by making decisions for the good of all. Queen is the PowerType we call on when it’s time to set clear goals that will define our activities over a period of time.

Just as the Queen of a kingdom manages her resources, setting clear priorities for her court, her army and her treasury, so you can use your own Queen energy to guide your decisions.

You might choose to set boundaries in service of your goal – for example, agree that your partner will take care of the evening chores three nights a week so you can make progress with your running schedule.

The Queen is a powerful decision maker; she trusts her intuition but she also takes advice from her wise counsellors. So if your boss suggests that your goal of doubling your team’s sales figures isn’t a realistic one, you’ll take their advice into account. And your big vision and sense of clear-eyed certainty will motivate others around you to lend their energy to help your goal.

Dreaming with Sorceress

Sorceress is the PowerType we turn to when it’s time to dream.

It’s important to note that no one PowerType is prioritised over the others, so your connection to your Sorceress is in no way more or less important than your Queen. Instead, we recognise the need to be able to draw on the PowerType that’s most appropriate for what we’re trying to achieve in any given moment.

The ability to dream, to intuit and to feel what might be possible for the future is absolutely as important as your capability for planning and preparing for goals.

The Sorceress “feels” into her visions and is able to see possibilities that might not be open to others, or which might even feel impossible. She’s attuned to nature, and tends to spend time on her own connecting to her inner vision and trusting absolutely in the gifts or insights it brings her.

Your Sorceress might guide you to connect with a certain person, invest in a specific workshop or say “no” to an opportunity that for some reason doesn’t feel “right”.

Learning to trust these visions and stay open to the ways in which they might become a reality can be a challenge for those of us more used to rolling up our sleeves and making things happen – but it’s a skill that the most powerful leaders are often able to use.

Dreaming in action

Jen Le Marinel, a One of many Certified Coach, describes why dreams are so important:

We all have dreams. Some are big, some are small. Some seem impossible, some are forgotten, some are buried deep inside, lost under the pile of stuff that everyday life throws at us. But somewhere, there’s that spark, that every now and then gets fanned, and it flickers. Nurtured, it grows, ignored, it dies down…

Jen’s taken many courageous steps on the path to bringing her dreams to life, and one things she’s learned along the way is that giving appropriate value to your dream allows you to balance your efforts to achieve your goals along the way.

Once you’re on the right path, and living the dream – I mean, living by the VALUES of that dream – you’re actually already there. The achievement of the ultimate dream doesn’t feel so urgent, as you’re already living in alignment with what that dream will give you. And the best bit….when you’re on that path, the ultimate dream even begins to speed up towards you!

It makes sense, doesn’t it – there’s no point putting your energy towards reaching a certain goal if it’s not ultimately leading towards a dream that feels good to be moving towards.

And as Jen has learned, being able to dream – and trust that dream – can lead to a life that you might never have imagined if you had only permitted yourself to stick to those “manageable” or “realistic” goals.

TODAY I’m now considering some steps that could potentially lead me to my “out there” dream in a matter of months. A place I never dreamed I’d reach at all, let alone so soon. It’s not going to be easy and I don’t even know for sure that the time is definitely right, but I do know that if I hadn’t started “living the dream” a couple of years ago I definitely wouldn’t be living the dream today.

Knowing how to balance your Queen and Sorceress – your dreams and your goals – is the key to unlocking your fullest potential – and having the impact you’re ultimately here to make.

Are you more of a goal-setter or a dreamer?

Do you tend to break things down into practical steps, or are you more of a big-picture dreamer? Remember, neither of those is better or worse than the other – and most of us tend to find one comes more naturally, while the other requires more conscious cultivation.

Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Mindfulness: where to start

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Mindfulness is the practice of bringing awareness to the present moment, or what is actually happening. It can be easier said than done – most of us spend a lot of our time either processing what has happened in the past, or projecting and planning the future. Here are some tips if you’re curious about mindfulness: where to start, how to come back to being mindful if you find yourself caught up in old patterns, and why it can be such a powerful practice.

Why mindfulness?

Mindfulness has been practiced for thousands of years and forms an important part of the Buddhist tradition, where it takes the form of meditation. Other common ways to experience mindfulness include yoga, mindful eating, classes, and online courses and apps. Since the 1970s, it’s been increasingly used within Western medicine as a way to reduce stress, anxiety and depression.

In the UK, mindfulness combined with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is currently recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) for the prevention of relapse in recurrent depression.

Many people have reported that mindfulness has helped reduce stress and anxiety and enabled them to cope better with the demands of their busy lives.

In the words of our Head Coach Annie Stoker, mindfulness is

“A tool to become totally aware in the present moment, feel radically alive and completely open to your own experience. Not only can life become more vivid, enjoyable and interesting, but mindfulness also brings the opportunity for profound healing of unhelpful mental and emotional patterns.”

Mindfulness: Where to start?

If you’re curious about mindfulness, and how it could have an impact on your life, it’s important to remember that mindfulness is most effective when it’s used as a practice: something you do regularly, ideally daily, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time.

If you’re someone who tends to dive into new ideas you might be tempted to sign up for a week-long retreat, or commit to an hour of mindfulness every morning at dawn. Those things can be great, but can be hard to keep up over the long term, which is how you’ll receive the best benefit.

Here are three ways to start introducing mindfulness into your life.

1. Start with a plan

If mindfulness is a practice you’ve been thinking about trying, start by planning how you’re going to incorporate it into your day.

Like exercise, mindfulness isn’t something that will create lasting change overnight, so think about how you could realistically include it in your life.

Are there particular times when you know you’ll be able to create the space to change into a different mindset?

Here are some ideas for how to bring mindfulness into your day:

  • Get up slightly earlier each day and practice mindfulness in the quiet of the morning
  • If you make a regular journey, like a commute or school pickup, commit to spending some time being mindful at the beginning or end
  • Practice mindful eating for a meal, snack or cup of tea each day
  • Give yourself a few moments of mindfulness before you go to bed
  • Instead of listening to music or podcasts, try incorporating mindfulness into your regular exercise routine: walking, running or yoga

2. Be consistent, not perfect

A lot of us have the impression that the “perfect” way to be mindful involves smiling peacefully to yourself as you connect to your inner sense of zen.

Well, sometimes that can be the case – but mindfulness is an invitation to connect to the present moment and really become aware of what you’re experiencing, both in your body and your mind. Which, unless you’re some kind of saint, won’t always be calm and serene! In fact, you might be experiencing anxiety, sadness, anger or frustration.

The point isn’t to “fix” what you’re feeling, but to become aware of it.

So don’t be tempted to skip a session if you’re not in the ‘right’ frame of mind. The purpose of the practice is to become aware of how you are in that moment.

If you’re feeling stressed or worried, give yourself the space to pay attention to exactly how that’s showing up (hunched shoulders? churning tummy?) for the time you’ve allocated to yourself.

It’s the commitment to pausing and paying attention at moments of tension that can be the most powerful way to change our patterns.

3. Notice what changes

When you’ve started a new activity, there are two benefits to noticing how it’s impacting you: it can motivate you to continue, and it can also show you where you might want to change your approach.

If you don’t do it already, journalling first thing in the morning (“morning pages” as taught by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way) is a fantastic tool for tracking your emotions and recording how you’re doing when you make changes in your life.

Notice if after a few weeks or months mindfulness has an impact on how you’re responding to challenges or upsets, or your approach to what’s going on in your life.

Ask yourself if practicing mindfulness has felt challenging at all, and whether it’s time to make any changes.

For example:

  • Could you change the time you’re practicing? Perhaps you’re too tired at night and it would work better for you to get up a bit earlier so you can be mindful before work
  • Could you set up prompts to help you be more consistent? An alarm on your phone, or an app that might support you if you find yourself forgetting or skipping sessions?
  • Could you find support or training? A local class, coach or online group to answer questions and help overcome the feeling of ‘not doing it right’?

When you just don’t have time

If you’re thinking “I’d love to make some time to be mindful – but I barely have five minutes to myself these days” then it might be time to create some time to nourish yourself before things get too much.

BeFruitful is our signature time management program designed by women, for women – and we promise it will help you find an extra 5 hours in your week, at least. Read the full details and book your place on this life-changing training by clicking here.

Not every approach works for every woman. But unless you give it a try, you won’t know if this is a technique that might make all the difference. With the current levels of stress, anxiety and burnout in women it’s vital that we each find the ways that work best for us to maintain our wellbeing and take care of our physical and mental health.

Have you tried mindfulness? How did you get started, and do you have any tips to share with anyone who’s curious about bringing it into their lives? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: Mindfulness for women

By

Annie Stoker

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many
Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.
Annie Stoker

Latest posts by Annie Stoker (see all)

Mindfulness is everywhere. You can buy books on Mindful Cooking, Mindful gardening, Mindful walking. There are mindfulness diaries and even Mindfulness colouring books! So what does mindfulness for women look like?

Mindfulness has become a buzz word and is being rolled out through corporate, health sectors, schools and even in Government. It is an attention training technique known for reducing stress and increasing relaxation.

Mindfulness for women

Mindfulness isn’t just about calming down and observing your thoughts. Mindfulness is actually about waking up! It’s a tool to become totally aware in the present moment, feel radically alive and completely open to your own experience. Not only can life become more vivid, enjoyable and interesting, but mindfulness also brings the opportunity for profound healing of unhelpful mental and emotional patterns.

How? You might well ask.

Well here at One of many we use the Cycle of Creation as a way of describing how we create our reality. Simply put in any moment, we create meaning about that moment based on our beliefs, values, history, health and ideas about Source. This meaning then creates our mood and that feeling then impacts what we move towards.

This all generally happens unconsciously, which means we often get results in life that we don’t really want. However, mindfulness allows us to bring awareness to this process and to interrupt the habitual patterns of reaction that we have.

Mindfulness in practice

For example imagine walking into a restaurant to meet some friends, but as soon as they see you they all stop laughing. What do you make this situation mean? Do you think they were laughing about you, feel really uncomfortable and walk out? Or do you decide that they were planning a fun party for your birthday, feel really excited and try to tickle them into telling you? Either way the rest of your day will be impacted.

With mindfulness you can become aware of the thoughts you are having about your friends laughter and let them pass by. This can allow you to calmly ask them what was really going on without jumping to conclusions.

Bringing non-judgmental awareness to your thoughts can also set you free from habitual patterns such as self-criticism, negativity, discouragement and wallowing.

Emotions and mindfulness

It’s very powerful to bring acceptance to your emotions too. We tend to have a few emotions we like and lots that we don’t. However, if we take the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ labels off what we are feeling, we can bring compassionate acceptance to whatever emotions have turned up.

Judging and therefore avoiding emotions is at the core of most people’s challenges. If you are worried about your performance at work, you’re probably trying to avoid the feelings of failure. If you’re feeling jealous and trying to control who your partner is seeing, you are probably trying to avoid rejection. If you don’t want to ask questions at a seminar, you may be trying to avoid the feelings of humiliation you’d have if you get it wrong.

By bringing heartful awareness to your feelings you can learn to tolerate all of them. Emotions aren’t actually good or bad. They are just sensations. Some are pleasant and some are uncomfortable. With emotional equity you can welcome all of them, even the painful ones. This allows you to have an empowering conversation with your boss, shine the light of honest exploration with your partner or get a helpful answer to a burning question at a seminar.

This gives you the freedom to act from your heart, rather than from the old fears and patterns in your mind. I actually think heartfulness is a much better term than mindfulness! Bringing full hearted acceptance to your feelings is at the core of self love. And self love, as I’m sure you know, is the key for connecting with your yummy Lover powertype!

How to bring more mindfulness into your life

Here are some tips for cultivating Mindfulness:

  • Mindful Moments
    Set an hourly alarm on your phone and for one minute each hour close your eyes, feel your feet on the floor, notice your breathing and bring all of your attention inside your body to what you are experiencing
  • Practicing Pauses
    Instead of arriving somewhere and jumping straight out of the car onto the next appointment, turn off the engine, pause and fully arrive. Give yourself a minute to breathe, feel this moment before shifting to the next scene change in the movie of life.
  • Body Awareness
    Bring your focus to your right big toe. Take your awareness right inside your big toe and notice the sensations of your sock, shoe or the other toes against your big toe. Next move to your left thigh and feel the clothes on your leg or any pressure or tightness. Pick random parts of your body to pay attention to during your day.
  • Mindful Movement
    Instead of planning tomorrow’s supper when you are brushing your teeth, bring your full awareness to the feelings of the brush against your teeth, the toothpaste tingling on your tongue, the muscles in your arm holding your toothbush. Try paying full attention to every footfall while you are walking, feeling the wind flow past your face and the swing of your arms. Bring fresh awareness to drinking water so that you can feel the weight of the glass, the coolness of the water in your mouth and follow it all the way down your throat as you swallow.
  • Cultivating Compassion
    Send a warm smile of acceptance to all your emotions. Welcome them as a valid part of your experience. Without judgment or labels, gently investigate the sensations of each emotion. Where are they in your body, what shape, what colour, how do they move? Notice what actually happens when you let yourself feel even a bit of them. Does the world really end?!

Mindfulness isn’t just a practice, it’s a way of life. Practice regularly and it becomes a new way of finding peace with what happens in life, joy in the simplest things and a freedom to bring all your gifts to the world. Enjoy!

About Annie Stoker

Psychotherapist. Author. Property Investor. Dog-Lover. Chilled-Out Friend.

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK’s most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Annie is our Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of Many.

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What burnout feels like

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The statistics about burnout are pretty sobering – here in the UK, women are 60% more likely to suffer from it than men. If we’re going to change those stats, the first stage is knowing exactly what we’re talking about: what does burnout feel like, and what can we do about it before, or if, it sets in?

We had an amazing discussion over in the Facebook group recently all about what burnout feels like. I’m talking the specifics: physically, mentally and emotionally. It sparked some incredible shares from so many courageous and capable women, all of whom knew straight away what burnout out felt like. (If you’ve been there, take a second to think – how would you put it into words?)

What blows me away is how many common threads there are in our experience. If you’ve felt like this before (heck, maybe you’re feeling like this right now) the most important thing to take away from this is: you’re not alone.

Here’s what you need to watch out for:

What burnout feels like: 6 signs it’s time to press pause

1. Burnout is exhausting

“Burnout is waking up in the morning feeling pinned to the bed wondering how you will possibly move your limbs to get out”

Yes, we’re all tired from time to time. But when you’re struggling to get up in the morning, every morning, don’t give yourself a hard time.

It may well be a sign that it’s time to ask for some extra support. If exhaustion’s a recurring issue, ask yourself if you might be heading towards burnout.

2. Burnout is confusing

When capable, intelligent women find their brains just aren’t working, burnout’s likely to be the cause.

“A grey cloud fogging my brain”
“It stops me from making clear decisions and fuels self-doubt and inertia”

When we can’t think straight, more often than not, burnout’s the culprit.

3. Burnout is lonely

Burnout sneaks in to make us feel as though we’re all on our own. Words like “isolated”, “alone” and “cut off” came up again and again when women reflected on their experiences.

The truth is, you’re not alone – this is a really common experience, and one that there are so many people willing to help you through. It’s with the support of those around you, and communities like ours at One of many that you’ll find your way back out again.

4. Burnout is constricting.

“It feels like being behind bars”
“Like being stuck in the middle of a whirlwind of panic and impossibility”

We can be so quick to blame ourselves when we’re stuck, but the truth is real possibilities open up once we’re back on track and feeling taken care of.
Are you really out of options, or is overwhelm to blame?

5. Burnout is physical

It might not have a medical diagnosis, but our bodies are often the first to give us powerful indications that something’s up.

“It feels like a metallic ‘taste’ in my whole body”
“Thinking causes physical pain in my head and I can’t get my face to smile”

For you it might be a sensation in your throat, tummy or shoulders. Learn to spot it early, and you’ll be able to get the support you need before it gets too much.

6. Burnout isn’t you

“It feels like I am not me”
“Like being an imposter in your own life”
“As though I have lost the essence of me”

When things get too much, it can feel as though we’ve failed somehow. When the truth is, these are all signs that it’s time for a break. You’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and it’s time to stop and replenish yourself to get back to who you really are.

Getting out of overwhelm

If you’re starting to notice some of the signs of burnout right now, there are some simple things you can do straight away to start to turn things around.

From frantic to fruitful is a free online training I run to help get you off the treadmill and back to a space where you feel calm and in control of everything that’s on your plate. Click here to book your spot on this powerful webinar and discover a simple but counter-intuitive step-by-step approach to overwhelm.

Another exercise I’ve found really helpful to get you out of that emotional fear-based “I’ve fallen short” feeling is to consciously tap into a “celebrating and acknowledgement” phase. Start to get present to what you have achieved, instead of focusing on everything you haven’t done.

Grab a pen and paper and reflect on what you have achieved over the past six months or year. Take some time to look back and recognize what outcomes and intentions you did bring to fruition.

Even if they are smaller in number or magnitude to what you had hoped, look at the less-obvious intentions you’ve achieved

Having done that, you’ll see that, you know what? Often what’s wearing you out, more than the actual pace, more than what’s on your plate is a conflict between perhaps what you intend for yourself – your big goals and high expectations – and where you are on your journey.

Recognizing that, you may find that you can discover a new perspective that takes the pressure off and gives you space to be able take better care of yourself and be grateful for how far you’ve come.

For me, going through this process gives me access to an energy which is forgiving, nurturing and nourishing. And I hope that you’ll be able to do the same, if you recognise some of the signs of burnout starting to creep up. Challenge yourself to be gentler. Challenge yourself to pull your goals back.

If you’re nice to yourself, you might just discover that you can be more, do more, and give more than you ever thought possible.

Feeling particularly stuck?

Sometimes we are so burned out that no amount of positive reflection on our own is going to help. You may well need professional support- medical or otherwise.

Don’t be embarrassed. This is all too common in women, and very frequent symptom of what we affectionately call “Superwoman Syndrome”.

If this feels like the situation for you and you’re not sure which way to head, please reach out to one of our team by booking a call here. We are more than happy to help you determine whether this is something that can be handled with some gentle slowing down and coaching, or whether you need to seek other professional help.

Burnout is a biggie. Let’s help each other recognise it, heal it, and shift the culture to prevent it.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to not burnout: A 4-step response

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

These days, pushing ourselves past capacity is something of an epidemic among women. Beyond the hype about “having it all” are some pretty sobering statistics – like the fact that right now, we’re 60% more likely to suffer job stress and burnout than men. So when it comes to reaching our potential, learning how to not burn out needs to be a priority. Trying to be “superwoman” really does come at an insidious cost.

One of our BePowerful participants, Mary, saw that play out vividly in her life: “In the past I did Superwoman spectacularly and burned out” she reflected.

That kind of experience can be a huge motivator in seeking support to change the pattern. Of course, we can’t stop life from gathering momentum but we can choose how we respond to when it does.

How to not burnout – the 4-step response

1. Look after yourself

Especially when there’s a lot on your plate, taking care of your needs and asking for the support you need is vital. It can be easy to lose perspective when we’re not at our best, but there’s usually an inner whisper that tells us when things are getting too much.

So listen to it and get honest with yourself: how well are you really coping? Is it time for a break? What’s going on physically for you? Gentle awareness of your own needs and acknowledgment of all you’re doing (rather than focusing on what you’re not getting to) is the first step to making a change.

2. Replenish your energy

Did you know that cortisol, the hormone released when we’re stressed, prepares the body for a fight-or-flight response by releasing glucose? Even if we’re not resorting to sweet treats to get us through the day, feeling constantly stressed or anxious effectively floods our body with sugar.

Replenishing ourselves and reducing cortisol takes more than just stopping. It also means finding a way to release that fight-or-flight reflex by taking exercise (a walk in the fresh air is a great start), meditating, or making active choices to address our workload.

3. Stop over committing

Sometimes we don’t realise how over committed we are until looking at the diary makes us want to crawl back under the duvet. And yet we keep saying “yes” to more and more things, because we don’t want to offend people or feel as though we’re letting anyone else down.

Burnout thrives when we put our need to feel helpful above our own capacity. Get real about what you can commit to – and practice saying “no” politely until it’s second nature.

4. Prioritise

The fact is, we can’t do everything, and telling ourselves we could if we only pushed ourselves harder is what results in overwhelm. Our culture tends to reward “busy-ness”, and it’s easy to find ourselves taking on more and more without stopping to consider the bigger picture.

Prioritising means we need to get really clear on our values and the bigger impact we want to make. Beyond being “busy”, how are the activities that fill our day actually making a difference to our families, our communities, and the world?

Learning to let go anything that doesn’t contribute to that is a challenge for all of us, but to avoid burnout, we have to learn to change our expectations. Make sure you do only what really matters.

Banishing Superwoman

These steps might be straightforward, but they’re definitely not easy. Putting our own needs first, saying no, and getting clear on how we really want to spend our time and energy is a challenge for all women. After all, most of us have been raised in cultures which expect us to be the cheerful, capable high-achievers in everything we do.

But those statistics about overwhelm and burnout speak for themselves. “Superwoman” is a role that comes at the expense of our health, our wellbeing and ultimately our impact on the world.

Don’t let her take over your life.

If you’ve experienced your own brush with burnout in whatever form, do share what you’ve learned in the comments below. Your experience might be just what another woman needs to read today.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Why Nourishing Yourself is the Least Selfish Thing You Can Do

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

In my work, I’m privileged to connect with so many truly amazing women — and I’m always amazed by how naturally caring and giving they are. Whether it’s in the form of making life better for whole communities or just making sure that family dinner is a time of special connection, these women are on top of it when it comes to caring, with one exception … caring for themselves.

It’s one of those things that we all know we need to do — intellectually, it’s really easy to understand that unless you’re meeting your needs first, it’s going to be impossible to really meet anybody else’s. But when that emergency phone call comes through, when the school needs a last minute chaperone, when your friend calls you up with a problem, then self care tends to take a back seat.

This impulse comes from a great place — but it can be destructive if it’s not channeled properly.

As women, whether we’re mothers or not, we naturally have an impulse to nurture and nourish. This Mother archetype is what sees us through actual motherhood as well as creative projects, building communities, and, importantly, self-care, and it’s a really beautiful thing.

But one of the shadow sides of this impulse is the Martyr archetype. The Martyr comes out when you get into that mode of giving, giving, giving, giving, and while it can feel very caring and loving sometimes, it actually tends to stem from that Superwoman, masculine energy archetype, which leads you into this unsustainable cycle of expectations, performance, and resentment.

The secret to breaking the martyr cycle? Understanding your needs.

If you’re not meeting your needs, you’re automatically going to go into survival mode, back to that reptile brain, which is definitely not the place you want to be operating from day to day.

So what counts as a need? It’s something which, if you don’t have it, means that you’re not OK — you’re cranky, upset, off-kilter, unbalanced, or unwell. So for instance, sleep is definitely a need, even though we often treat it like a want. Your needs are what get you to your baseline of being OK. If they’re met, you’re just fine. You’re not bouncing off the walls, you don’t have the capacity for sustainable generosity, but you’re OK.

Now, when your needs are more than met, when you’re really making it a point to constantly take care of your needs, then you can give to others. You can give energy to others and still be OK, and you can be generous, because you know that when you do deplete, you can regenerate. Your wellbeing isn’t an issue anymore.

A really important note here: meeting your needs is 100% your responsibility. It’s not your husband’s or your children’s or your sister’s or anybody else’s responsibility; this is on you.

OK, but how do you know the difference between a need and a want?

Wants are those bonus things that build on top of your needs. And they’re different for everybody. In my case, while sleep, food, retreat time, and exercise are needs, chocolate is a want. I love eating it — but I know that if my needs aren’t being met, then no amount of chocolate I eat will fill that hole. When your needs are being met and you have your wants, then they’re fantastic, but when you try to use wants to substitute needs, then you get into the realm of bad habits.

So my invitation to you: create a list of your needs.

Really sit down and think about what you need to be OK in the different areas of your life. What needs do you have as a businesswoman, a partner, a mother, a creator? What about the needs that you have when you’re in your different archetypes? What does your Warrioress need, your Sorceress, your Mother? Sometime over the next week, take the time to work this out for yourself, and think of ways that you can meet those needs.

Why not start right now? Tell me one of your core needs … and one of your favourite wants in the comments below!

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The Secret Soft Power of Being Lazy

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

We know all kinds of people here at One of many. We know female entrepreneurs and business owners, we know stay-at-home mothers and full-time workers. We also attract a lot of creative types, writers and artists of all sorts.

I thought I’d mention this because I was speaking with one of our writers the other day and she was telling me how she transformed her rate of productivity. She did it by giving herself a break, a real break, every now and again.

We are so busy these days that if we stop we worry that all the plates will stop spinning. We are pulled in so many different directions that when we do have time to ourselves we get anxious about not wasting time.

What do I mean by a real break? I’ll tell you what I don’t mean! Checking Facebook while you wait for the kettle to boil is not a real break. Eating your lunch is not a real break. Zoning out in front of the television for a couple of hours at the end of the day is not a real break either.

If you don’t stop every once in a while, really stop, eventually you will burn out. This writer told me that some time back she felt as if her well of inspiration had dried out. She kept trying and trying, getting more panicked, coming up with nothing. Then she realised that she had to stop for a while, really stop, to let the well of inspiration fill up again. And that’s exactly what she did.

The truth is that rest is productive. Slowing down actually seems to speed up the visioning process.

Perhaps it’s a paradox. Maybe the more rested and centred you are, the more you feel the urge to create, to produce.

So when you don’t feel like doing anything, and you’re worried about wasting a day, ask yourself what you feel like doing, and just once in a while, honour your desire. Doze, read, eat, shower, don’t shower, stand up, sit down, stand on your head, etc. according to your preference.

Sooner or later your productive, expressive nature will kick in again. Your soft power. It might take hours, days or even weeks. But once you’re good and rested, you’ll be meaningfully productive.

Do you take regular breaks? How long does it take for you to feel truly rested. Have you ever given yourself the day off? Let us know your stories in the comments we love to hear from you.

Dr Joanna Martin: Founder, oneofmany.co.uk.| Author| Women’s Speaker| Entrepreneur| Ex-doctor| Loud Sister| Baby Wrangler = No professional training but do a fine job nonetheless!