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How one hidden number shapes your life

By

Wendy Harrington

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

When it comes to talking about money, lots of us find ourselves switching off – and I’m really curious about why that is. A common excuse is that finances are kind of a “dry” topic. Income, expenditure, numbers… if you’re more of a people-loving, connecting, creative person it can be easy to dismiss money as something that’s quite frankly a bit dull. Well, today I want to share an idea that might just turn that on its head, and it’s how one hidden number shapes your life.

So if you tend to switch off or scroll past when people start talking about money, I’d love to challenge you to take a deep breath, and read on. It might just be the food for thought you need when it comes to changing your relationship with money.

Your financial set point

The idea I want to open up for you today is that each of us has a “financial set point”.

To explain what I mean, here’s how to figure out yours:

  1. Write down a rough guess at how much money you earned in the last twelve months. 
  2. And then, think about how much money you have left.
  3. If you can, repeat this process for the past 5 years – or as far back as you’re able to with ease. How much did you earn, and how much did you have left, roughly, at the end of each year?

Whether you know your exact numbers or not, this is going to give you some clues as to what’s going on.

Because what you’ll often find is that, however much your income has varied, your set point – the amount of money you typically have left – is very likely to be the same.

Your financial set point, although it’s an unconscious thing, reflects itself in your financial results.

When your financial set point is… zero

Before I began to explore this, I had no idea that my financial set point was zero. It wasn’t instantly obvious, because at that time my income was fluctuating quite radically.

I was a student, and then I was a medical intern, and then I set out on my own in business… but whether I earned a lot or a little, what was left at the end of the year was always zero.

What I began to understand was that in my world, there was always “just enough” – and I would get rid of anything that was more than enough.

Another friend of mine had a financial set point of negative ten percent. So when he earned ten thousand dollars in a year, by the end of the year, he was a thousand dollars in debt. When he started to make serious money, as you can imagine, that debt increased proportionally – and became a serious issue.

So your set point might be an amount – like negative two thousand. Perhaps, no matter how much you earn, you’ve ended up with negative two thousand pounds in the bank for the last five years of your life.

Each of us has a financial set point, and it’ll either be slightly positive, zero, or slightly negative. So take a moment, to think about that for yourself, and then spend some time writing down what you think it might be for you.

What your financial set point means

What’s fascinating to me is how your set point can offer you a really clear insight into some of the unconscious principles that can guide our financial behaviour.

After all, many of us are strongly motivated, year on year, to increase our financial pot – perhaps to get a payrise or a promotion, or to change our business practice so that we can increase our profits.

And yet if the net outcome of that is that you’re in exactly the same place financially, you might get a glimpse of a deeper issue that might need some attention.

Perhaps you’re so wedded to saving a certain percentage of your income that you’re not actually enjoying the fruits of it – instead, you’re squirrelling away funds for a “rainy day” and exasperating your family with the grip you keep on the purse strings.

Or maybe for you it’s the other way around. Get a windfall or a payrise and you’re spending the money as fast as it comes in – and then wondering why you’re still feeling insecure when it comes to your nest egg.

An interesting effect of a positive set point can be that you’ve outgrown your financial education. If you’ve been diligently accumulating wealth, but still storing it in the way you used to when you started out in your twenties, it might not be working for you as hard as it could do. Might be a good time to seek out a financial advisor for a look at the best way to help your money multiply.

Was this helpful?

If you’ve not come across this concept before, I’m really interested to hear what you found out. Did you get a feeling of at least a general direction? Did you not? Share what you find out in the comments.

Ready to explore more?

If you’re curious about what unconscious assumptions you might be making around money, and ready to look at how you could change them to create a very different experience, Wealth Insights is the place to find out more.

This half-day in-person training is your chance to get to grips with your unique situation when it comes to money, and discover the next steps you need to take towards financial freedom.

Registration opens soon and you can click here to join the priority notification list, and be first to hear when tickets are available. We’d love to see you in London in June!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to avoid money arguments

By

Wendy Harrington

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

“I just can’t talk to you about this any more!” Never mind going into another room. I was on the other side of the suburb before I’d calmed down, after yet another blow up with my husband about our finances. If you’re wondering how to avoid money arguments, here’s how we learned to get past the conflict and into alignment when it comes to the money stuff.

I can still remember so vividly how it felt, that particular day. I was hurt, frustrated, and confused. I even wondered if this meant the end of our relationship.

What was most maddening was that for the most part we agreed about money. We knew we had aligned long-term goals and our thoughts about money in general were pretty similar. I knew that something had to change.

Finding a way through the financial storms

Years later, my husband and I are working in our third business together, having navigated big financial hurdles like becoming parents, moving countries, and buying property.

These days, I’m pleased to report that our money conversations always end with us both in the same room – even if we’re not always on the same page. So I wanted to share the things I’ve learned that have made all the difference in our interactions on the topic.

Whether it’s your boss, mum, best friend or partner, here’s how to have productive, effective conversations about money.

5 keys to helping you avoid money arguments

1. Be aware and gentle

For many of us, money is an area of emotional or psychological wounding. Questions of how much we earn or what’s left over at the end of the month recall unconscious judgments in our minds about all kinds of things. This is really normal – almost all of us get tripped up by this from time to time.

What that means is that money conversations start to feel really personal. Statements the other person makes can easily feel like criticism, for example, even if they weren’t intended that way.

The first step then, is to be aware that this is likely to be true. If money comes up, know that this might become a tricky conversation and check in with yourself – is now the time to talk about this? Are you already feeling tender or tense?

Put it into action:
  • Understand that money can be a source of tension
  • Prepare for conversations about money ahead of time
  • Recognise that money talk can feel like it’s personal, even when it’s not intended that way

2. Know what’s yours

Aside from the numbers, it’s vital to know what’s yours on an emotional level. What do I mean by that? Well, a lot of the conflict that arises about money can actually come from within us. For example…

They say: “I think we should have a chat about setting up a joint account for shared bills”

You hear: “You’re terrible with money – I can’t trust you to handle your finances on your own”

You say: “Stop trying to control everything!”

Or…

They say: “How much did you say that retreat was going to cost?”

You hear: “You’re spending too much on extravagant things that don’t matter”

You say: “It’s up to me what I spend my money on – I don’t criticise you for the crap you waste your pay on!”

Hmm… it’s not hard to see how arguments flare up, right?

Becoming aware of the stuff money conversations bring up for us can open up awareness of deeper things that need healing, for example an area you feel especially defensive about, or a particular person whose criticism had a big effect on you in the past.

What’s important is that, when you are aware of these issues, you take responsibility for changing them. What’s yours to deal with? What do you need support from a coach or mentor around?

And remember, the other person might not be on this journey with you. It’s not your job to point out their limiting beliefs or identify what they need to work on. Approach the conversation with compassion, and deal with what’s yours – no more.

Put it into action:
  • Discern what issues you need to deal with when it comes to money
  • Seek external support where you need to – from a coach, financial expert, or trusted friend
  • Recognise what’s not your responsibility, and let it go

3. Choose your timing

Remember, our first step was being aware that conversations about money can be tender. Knowing that, it’s smart to have them at the right time.

That could include being aware of your cycle, for example. Now, before you think I’m some monster who thinks women are incapable of rational thought, hear me out.

In my own life I know that 7 days before my period comes, I could swear that the world is ending and there’s nothing you, I, or anyone else can do about it. That can actually be an incredibly powerful day for me – I sure as hell get clear on the change I want to make in the world – but it’s also a terrible day for me to have a conversation with anyone.

Knowing that, if I’m aware I need to have an important conversation about something like money I’ll do my best to shift it to a day when I’m likely to be feeling much clearer.

That won’t be the same for everyone, of course, but I wonder if any of that applies to you? Do you know you’re better able to be open, compassionate or empathetic at certain times of the month? Bear that in mind when you make an appointment to discuss your finances.

And make sure you take the other person’s needs into account too – allow them to tell you when would suit them, instead of springing it on them at a time when they’re not really ready.

Put it into action:
  • Choose a time when you’re both fed, rested and hydrated
  • Find a space where you won’t be disturbed or interrupted
  • Take into account your own rhythm and emotional needs

4. Be respectful in your communication

Sticking to some basic principles of clear and respectful communication is so important when the topic is an emotional one. Always seek to hear the other person out without interruption. You don’t want to be nagged, so don’t nag either.

And make an effort to find things to celebrate together – focus on what’s working, as well as what you want to change.

Put it into action:
  • Be respectful – don’t interrupt or nag
  • Notice when it’s time to take a break
  • Listen curiously and give space for the other person to say what they need to

5. Be clear about what you’re looking for

Now that you’ve chosen the best possible time and place, and you’re aware of what’s your responsibility, it’s time to communicate as clearly as possible what you want to share.

For the best possible outcome, try and recognise what’s driving both of you in the conversation. One of you might be more interested in feeling connected and loved, or seeking reassurance, and one of you might be looking for problems and tasks to solve.

What’s vital is that you’re clear about what it is you’re both looking for.

Put it into action:
  • Start by giving the point of the conversation for you – not the big long story that precedes it
  • Ask for what you need; leave them to decide the “how” of solving it, if that’s something they’re keen to do
  • Allow yourself to be receptive – if they agree with what you’re saying, there’s no need to keep on convincing them

Not being able to talk about money holds us back

It’s really important that we are able to move into more powerful conversations. In all the women I’ve coached and connected with over the years, I’ve noticed that the people who are most comfortable talking about finances tend to be the ones with the highest level of wealth.

In fact, I’d go as far as to say that your net worth increases in direct relation to your ability to talk to key people in your life about money.

How about you?

These steps have played a huge part in Greg and I sorting out our differences and getting to a stage where we can actually enjoy money conversations. Has money been a source of tension for you, and do you have an experience to share? Let us know in the comments.

If money is a problem for you – not just in conversations but also in terms of what you have or haven’t got – and you’re ready to get sorted so you can talk about it confidently, get in touch to find out about our financial training. If money feels like a challenge,we’ll help you turn it into an ally – so that you can feel truly powerful about where you are and what your next steps are.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What is your money mindset?

By

Wendy Harrington

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

What is your money mindset? Do you have a sense of your overall approach to money? Are you aware that how you think about money impacts the decisions you make day to day and month to month?

Today I want to share a different perspective on your relationship to your finances – one you might not have come across before.  It can be a powerful frame through which to understand the part you play, consciously or unconsciously, in your financial experience.

Becoming more powerful in the way we create and use our wealth is a vital part of our mission here at One of Many, and is a priority for women globally.

  • Globally, women control a staggering $36 trillion, and that number is growing.
  • According to the National Association of Women Business Owners, one in five firms in the US with a revenue of $1 million or more is woman-owned.
  • Across the pond in the UK, the Office of National Statistics reports that “women accounted for an unprecedented 80% of the new self-employed between 2008 and 2011”, and that number has continued to rise.

As more and more women become active participants in the global economy, whether through managing our own business or playing a part in leading others’ organizations, our relationship to our finances matters.

When it comes to money, what’s your motivation?

Money is a subject that often involves a lot of unspoken assumptions and judgments, going right back to childhood.

Perhaps when you were growing up you were told “we can’t afford it” as a way of saying no to things you wanted.

You might have been raised hearing sayings like “A fool and his money are soon parted”.

Money might have been used to confer approval or value – like being given an extra allowance if you did well in exams, or extravagant presents to cheer you up.

As an adult, some of these inherited beliefs will continue to inform your feelings towards money. Contrary to a common misconception, money certainly isn’t a “dry” or “emotionless” topic (and the best accountants aren’t people devoid of feelings!). The numbers we see when we look (or don’t look, as the case may be) at our bank statements can evoke powerful emotions.

And it’s those feelings about money, both what we have and what we haven’t got, that contribute to our money mindset.

Action: Take a few moments to jot down a few ideas about how you relate to money, using these prompts as your starting point.

When I was a child, money was…

When it comes to making money, I believe it’s…

People with money are…

When I think about my future finances, my biggest wish is…

The answer to the final question is what we’re going to take a look at in a bit more detail now.

What is your money mindset? The quick test

Take a look at your goals for your finances and ask yourself this question: do they mainly reflect a “towards” or “away from” mentality?

Here’s what I mean by that: A “towards” mentality means that you’re motivated by something you’re working to.

This can apply to any area of your life, but in financial terms it might be a goal like:

  • Going on holiday
  • Having 3 months of living expenses in savings

It could also be something more general:

  • Understanding investments
  • Feeling confident talking about my finances

The key thing is that the motivation is all coming from that inspiring vision of the future and all the good it brings.

An “away from” mentality is the opposite: this is the motivation that drives you away from a place you don’t want to be.

Perhaps your goal is more like:

  • Stop having arguments about money
  • Never having to think twice before spending
  • Getting out of debt

Can you see the difference in those statements?

Why your motivation matters

You can’t think about “stopping money arguments”, without focussing on the arguments and the pain they bring.

If your drive is “to get out of debt”, you’ll only have enough motivation to get you out of debt… and then no further.

This “away from” mentality is one I often see in entrepreneurs I work with. Business owners can find they’re really fired up by hitting rock bottom, or by starting out with very few funds in place. Lots of small businesses go into overdrive when the cashflow dries up – suddenly, we’re out there meeting clients, making sales, and getting creative with new marketing ideas.

The trouble with this kind of motivation is that when you do reach a place of stability, your momentum flags.

Suddenly, you no longer have the “wolf at the door” to drive you forward. The business loses energy, things start to slip, and before you know it the bottom line’s taking a downward turn… until you get to the next crisis point.

Even if you’re not a business owner, you might relate to this mindset. Perhaps you’re highly aware of your family’s finances when you’re watching every penny you spend. But when a payrise gives you a boost and you’re no longer worried about money you find yourself making purchases and financial decisions without a second thought. And then, whoops – overspending.

Changing our relationship with money

Financial freedom doesn’t mean freedom from thinking about money. It means beginning to think about money in a different way. One of the most fundamental shifts we can use is to shift our motivation to a “towards” approach.

What are you working towards? You might have some quick material ideas in mind:

  • Paying off the mortgage
  • Going on holiday
  • nvesting in something that will make a real difference to your day to day life.

But beyond that, there’s a future which involves a relationship with money. When you think about your goals, start to make that a part of the picture, and to reframe it using a “towards” mindset.

“Never having to worry about money” might become “Feeling confident about the decisions I’m making for my money” or “Being supported by experts who can give me good advice about my money”.

When you think about your future, can you imagine “Knowing that my money is working hard to create opportunities for my family”?

Going deeper when it comes to money mindset

It might sound like simple linguistics.  And on one level it is.

The deeper level to take this to, is when you can release the feelings underneath the away from motivation.

In our example again –

  • When you transform the hurt under the money arguments, you will automatically experience freedom in your communications
  • When you heal the pain of having nothing as a child, you won’t constantly find yourself thinking twice about whether you can now “afford” every purchase
  • When you let go of the guilt you feel because of the debt you’ve accumulated, you’ll find a freedom to get creative and build your wealth.

I’m really curious about which of these mindsets you currently identify with most when it comes to your finances. Share your reflections in the comments below, and let us know what your “away from” drivers are, and perhaps what your “towards” motivation might look like. Let’s inspire each other!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.