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A surprising way to boost your leadership

June 3, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

Sometimes the things which have the biggest impact on your world are the ones you least expect. That’s certainly what I discovered when I stumbled on a surprising way to boost your leadership. It’s something you might be inclined to dismiss as “frivolous” or “unnecessary” but for me, quite the opposite was true. So read on with an open mind!

A couple of years back, our family needed to move house unexpectedly. With two small kids and a business we run from our home, the upheaval was pretty intense. After the move, I found I really wanted to focus on replenishing my energy, making sure our community and clients weren’t impacted by what was going on, and spending lots of time with my family to make sure we were all settled in.

Decorating, arranging the house, sorting out furniture… all of that went way down on the list. I was happy with that, and if you’d asked me I definitely wouldn’t have said it was a problem.

Choosing dining room furniture, prettifying the bedroom?

I had bigger priorities.

Or so I thought…

Do you prioritise beauty?

Now you might not be starting from scratch with an entire house. But I bet there’s an area of your environment – a corner of your living room, your desk, the kitchen – that’s on that “must get round to it at some point” list.

It might function perfectly well – but it’s not beautiful.

That element of beauty is something we almost never think of as part of being a leader. Let alone think of it as a way you might be able to actively boost your leadership.

And yet, to my surprise, my experience proved different.

You see, after a period of time, it started to dawn on me that I was really finding it hard to continue to replenish my energy in a meaningful way. Knowing the possibility that I saw for the spaces in our home, and seeing them not being done was a constant loop running in my mind.

Every time I would walk from my bedroom down the stairs, through the house, to the kitchen and up to the office each day, I’d be walking past places where I had ideas, or I wondered what we could do to make it more beautiful.

It was just adding up as a stress.

And it turns out – science backs me up.

The science behind beauty

You might have heard that having beautiful things around us is supportive to our wellbeing, but it might interest you to know that there’s quite a bit of research to back this up. An interesting study back in 1984 looked at the medical records of people recovering from gallbladder surgery. They discovered that, all things being equal, patients that had bedside windows looking out onto leafy trees healed on average a day faster, needed significantly less pain medication and had fewer post-surgical complications compared to patients who had a view looking out onto a brick wall.

Since then, further research has shown that just three to five minutes spent looking at views dominated by trees, flowers, or water can begin to reduce anger, anxiety, and pain to induce relaxation in healthy people. And can even cause physiological changes on our blood pressure, muscle tension, heart and brain electricity.

Nature is so powerful that even pictures of landscapes can soothe!

And I think it even can go beyond that. There’s some interesting research done on behalf of the commission for architecture and the built environment here in the UK. The research demonstrates that beauty produces a positive, emotional experience in the observer, which enhances feelings of happiness and wellbeing.

Some of us are more or less sensitive to our environments than others. But for many of us, every time we walk through a space which is chaotic, that doesn’t look the way we’d like it to look, or that’s less than beautiful, it contributes to a sense of stress and lack of wellbeing.

Is it frivolous to focus on beauty?

Despite this evidence of its impact, beauty is one of those things that lots of us secretly judge as being a bit frivolous, perhaps a waste of time, a waste of money.

I know in my own experience it’s something which often falls to the bottom of the list. I’d be far more likely to invest in coaching or training than in the space I live and work in.

And yet I know that lack of beauty does stress and impact me.

So, one of the things I committed to doing,was just picking off a room at a time.

One of the things that I noticed, was that simply by opening up to the idea of making a space beautiful, I started to activate a part of me that I hadn’t paid much attention to: I began to feel into what I liked and what I didn’t like

“Yes, I like that”

“No, I don’t like that.”

Because, having had to ignore mess and having to ignore chaos for a period of time, I’d really had to numb myself out to what I did and didn’t like.

Can you relate? When you “tune out” from your own discomfort, it actually takes a while to get used to making choices again!

For me, that muscle of “Yes this… No that” had got a little bit blunted. So going through this process, just by picking off one room at a time, began to open up my own awareness of what I do and don’t like to be around, visually.

And I think for me, the bottom line of what I’ve loved about the process is that it has invoked and reactivated my Lover PowerType.

The Lover PowerType and how it can boost your leadership

The Lover s one of our 5 Women’s PowerTypes. These archetypes are role models of feminine leadership, that each contain qualities we can bring to different situations.

Lover is the part of us that is connected to bringing ambience and beauty and pleasure into our spaces.

She’s also the part of us that is the source of our own creativity.

She is the center of our own self care. She is the center of our sensuality and our sexuality.

And I’ve got to say spending some time with her has enhanced all of those other areas of my life: my creativity, my own sense of wellbeing and my relationship too!

As a leader, Lover is powerful and magnetic. Others are drawn to her presence; she makes everyone around her feel great.

Far from being selfish, when you can bring more Lover to boost your leadership you’ll find you’re able to create powerful connections and achieve new results.

By taking exquisite care of yourself, you open up the potential to create and connect on new levels with those around you, too.

If you’d like to discover your unique Women’s PowerTypes profile, you can do so for free with a ticket to the One Woman Conference happening 12-13 June 2021. Click here to find out more and book your ticket.

How connected are you to Lover?

Many, many of us women find the Lover challenging to connect to.

Here are two things you can do right away to begin to nurture this connection.

#1 Look at your relationship to beauty.

Is it like mine was for a time – a little bit closed down, or even something you don’t really even notice? And it’s just not important or interesting to you?

Is it something which you’re aware of, but you’re frustrated by because you feel for time or money reasons, you’re not able to do anything about it.

Is it something that’s really important to you?

Reflect on it for yourself. What, how do you relate to beauty? Perhaps you’d like to journal on it over the next couple of days.

#2 Consider the space around you.

It might be your home environment and your office space. It might be even in your car, your garden, anywhere you spend a significant amount of time.

How beautiful does it feel to you?

If like me, you look at it and it’s overwhelmingly not beautiful, then, you might want to consider doing something about it.

I’m not suggesting for a second that this has to be something that takes over your life and your budget!

But what I’ve been very pleasantly surprised by is those hidden places that you may or may not know about to bring beauty into a space. Finding hidden gems in secondhand shops, or passed on by friends or family. Maybe something you already use in one part of your home would work brilliantly in your office. Frame some kids drawings, find some plants to brighten your space, get creative yourself.

Be on the lookout for beauty.

And you might find it makes a surprising difference to your wellbeing and your leadership.

How about you?

Where do you find beauty in your life – and is it something you value? Have you ever looked down on creating beautiful spaces as being “frivolous” or “a waste of money” – or are you already conscious of the impact your external environment has on you?

I’d really love to know your thoughts on this – be sure to leave a comment and let me know!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to develop a healthy relationship with anger

May 21, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

Today I want to talk about something that’s often an awkward topic for us women — anger. I know. Just bringing it up can feel uncomfortable. After all, who wants to think about being angry? Much less think about how to develop a healthy relationship with anger!

But it’s such a hugely important topic. Not just for our psychological wellbeing, but also for our physical wellbeing. I’ve read some studies that suggest having a healthy relationship with anger can lower your risk of certain cancers, high blood pressure, heart disease and poor immunity!

The problem with anger

A lot of women that I talk to feel their anger is a problem. After all, we’re raised with the idea that “nice girls don’t get angry”. Or think we should sit quietly and speak when we’re spoken to. Very few of us are taught how to express our anger in a positive way.

But anger in and of itself isn’t the problem.

It’s actually a great thing, because it acts as an inbuilt warning system. Anger tells you when:

Something or someone’s crossed a boundary
Something’s infringed on your values
Something threatens your safety

And despite what you might think, it’s not something that you can control.

Fight or flight

See, anger is largely a physiological response. As humans, when there’s danger, we have a deep seated, programmed fight or flight response. It’s very primal; it’s controlled by the amygdala, which is the reptilian part of the brain which warns the rest of the nervous system when we’re threatened.

When this happens, the nervous system releases neurotransmitters that flood the entire body. Before we’re even consciously aware of any danger, we’re in the middle of this flood of hormones that’s giving us a huge boost of energy and actually altering our consciousness.

Same system, different response

Everyone’s got the same physical system associated with anger, but the way we respond can be really different, depending on lots of factors. A few include your gender, the power dynamic you’re in (are you the boss? an unhappy customer?), and even how recently you’ve eaten!

Culture has a huge impact on how we deal with anger — men tend to have an easier time expressing their anger, since it’s more culturally accepted for them to be aggressive.

So while men tend to focus their anger outwards, women often focus it internally.

Sometimes we find ourselves “blowing up” on people who are nonthreatening, like children or a spouse, instead of getting clear on what the primary source of our anger is.

And while some men can get angry, express it, and then forget about it, women tend to feel ashamed, guilty, and resentful that they even had the angry outburst in the first place!

There are also a lot of physical factors that can make you more prone to anger. If your testosterone levels are higher than normal, if your blood sugar is off, if you’ve got low serotonin, if you’re going through menopause, or if you’re right before your period then you’ll be naturally be more irritable and likely to flare up.

Finally, and this is really important to realize: You can still be impacted in the present by times that you were angry in the past and weren’t able to express that properly.

(It’s also easy to “inherit” anger if you grew up in an atmosphere where there was a lot of anger or abuse, or if you were taught unhealthy ways to deal with your anger.)

A good way to recognize when you’re being triggered by something in the past is to look at how proportionate your response is to an event. If you’re having a really disproportionate response to an event — like if you fly into a rage when you’re emptying the dishwasher and you break a cup — it’s a good bet that it’s not about the cup.

Developing a healthy relationship with anger

OK, so you know what’s going on when you’re angry and why it happens. But how can you develop a healthy relationship with your anger?

For a lot of women, our go-to response to anger is to repress it, to hide it. But this is really damaging. Hiding your anger might get it off your mental plate for a short time, but it will always come out in another form, like depression, anxiety, chronic pain, or even addiction.

Of course, I’m not saying you should go the other way and just rain explosive rage on those around you whenever you’re upset.

What you need to do instead is to:

(1) Recognize that you’re in this physical state.

When you start to get the symptoms, like your heart beating faster, your palms sweating, your shoulders tensing, and your breath getting short … you’re in that fight or flight state. While there may or may not be an actual threat, your body feels like there is.

If you’re in a conversation with someone else when this happens, just say,

“You know what, I just need to take a break for a moment. Can we continue this in a little while?”

Then go away for 5 – 10 minutes, and once the hormones have passed through your body, you can come back and have a rational conversation about what’s going on.

(2) Let that anger out in a safe but honest way.

None of this thing where you calmly state what you’re angry about while you’re still inwardly seething. Get it out! Some good ways to do this are to punch a pillow, to turn the music up and dance your head off, do a really good workout.

Another thing I like to do sometimes is to give your anger a voice and write a letter about what you’re angry about. Don’t hold back, write it like you’re in grade three: “Dear poo-head, you made me so angry when you did that stupid thing and I hate your stupid piggy ears and your dumb voice…” It sounds silly, but it really works!

(3) Become a detective of your anger.

After you’ve gone through a period of anger and you’ve calmed down, look at things that could have triggered it and see what you can do to keep that from happening again. While there’s nothing wrong with anger, there’s also no point in putting yourself in situations where you’re going to be prone to it.

What’s your relationship with anger like?

OK ladies, let’s spill. How do you deal with anger? I have to admit, I still struggle with it sometimes. What about you?

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Dissecting leadership: Jacinda Ardern’s leadership style

April 29, 2021 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

Today I want to share my thoughts on Jacinda Ardern’s leadership style – and why I see her as such a role model for women who want to create change.

First, let’s think about why there are so few women who display Ardern’s leadership style. When you look at the timeline of human history you observe that it’s only relatively recently that women were allowed access to the spheres of education, commerce and politics. It’s no surprise therefore that our role models for leadership were moulded to distinctly ‘masculine’ characteristics – competition, assertiveness, achievement.

In order to succeed as leaders women have tended to adopt these masculine traits. The successful female leaders we recall – the ones who ‘get stuff done’ – are often the ones with a singular focus, a desire to win, the ones who want to be seen as high achievers. The Superwomen.

Comic female superheroes exude the same masculine energy as their male counterparts. They fight, they are physically strong, they succeed by dominating. They are also drawn with the physical traits of the other female stereotype we associate with power and influence, the woman who uses sex as power.

However, more recently we have seen the emergence of a third example of female power. One that draws on more feminine characteristics – modesty, compassion, empathy – what I call Soft Power and exemplified by the New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.

Finding the right energy

Before we look at the characteristics of Soft Power, I want to be clear that this is not an argument about what type of energy – masculine or feminine – is best for leadership. That is a question for the individual, only you can decide what energy you need to power your leadership, and when. There will be times when you need masculine energy to power through a particular challenge, and there will be times when Soft Power is more appropriate.

I founded One of many® to empower, support and encourage women to step into leadership. And to advocate for a greater understanding and appreciation of Soft Power, because I believe – and the evidence on burnout and stress bear this out – that we are currently missing out on a rich talent pool because the masculine role model of leadership burns a lot of people – particularly women – out.

The 5 C’s of Soft Power

The hallmarks of Soft Power are collaboration and collectivism. Facilitating collaboration requires a leader to be courageous, connected, compassionate, clear and creative.

● A courageous leader leads by example. Dedicated, involved, quick to act, they lead through championing their cause & participation.

● A connected leader looks after their own wellbeing and that of others, they lead through invitation & appreciation.

● A compassionate leader is patient and kind, always looking to bring out the best in others, they lead through love & encouragement.

● A clear leader is comfortable and certain of themselves. With a clear vision of what they want for their colleagues and customers, for their family and friends, they lead through vision & inspiration.

● A creative leader is innovative, curious, able to facilitate transformation, they lead through faith & wisdom.

The 5 C’s of Jacinda Ardern’s Leadership

Courage

It takes a certain degree of courage to lock down your country and close its borders. But it is a different type of courage to announce a national lockdown and then go on Facebook Live – fresh from (and still dressed for) bathing your toddler and putting them to bed – to answer questions about the new restrictions.

In that one Facebook Live from her home Ardern did two things. She showed that she was as involved and as affected as everyone else, explaining that she wanted to “check in with everyone as we prepare to hunker down for a few weeks”. Secondly she showed that she was as dedicated to the New Zealand people as she was to her young daughter.

Connected

There’s no surprise that Ardern is as loved as she is by so many. She brings her whole life force energy to everything she does. Fully embodied and fully present, she is connected to herself. Ardern’s leadership feels personal – as though we’re really getting to know her. But more than that, she is interconnected.

I have noted how she uses language to connect others. Approaching the end of lockdown in May 2020, she thanked her “team of five million” for the sacrifices they had made to protect the most vulnerable.

In her election acceptance speech last October, she used ‘We’ 30 times and ‘I’ only six times. Three times to thank people and the other three times to say ‘hope, believe and promise’. There’s no ‘I’ in Ardern’s team, she is a leader that leads from collaboration and connection, not individualism.

Compassion

I remember that feeling of revulsion, grief and huge sympathy when news of the New Zealand mosque shootings first broke. But showing that sympathy, wearing a hijab, and then addressing your Parliament with an Arabic greeting, all while under the lens of a western media arguably tinged with Islamaphobic sentiment, was an incredible demonstration of compassion. Ardern’s leadership exemplifies this compassion-led approach.

‘Be Strong, Be Kind’ is more than an election slogan for Ardern, it’s a way of being. When she hugged first responders after the volcano eruption on White Island killed 21 people, no one suggested it was just for the cameras. Similarly when she announced she would take a 20 per cent pay cut to her salary in recognition of the financial impact the pandemic was having on people’s incomes, no one said it was a publicity stunt. Her concern for the wellbeing of others is obvious and it is earning her widespread appreciation at home and abroad.

Clarity

Prime Minister Ardern has been clear and consistent in her COVID-19 strategy, “go hard and go early”. Border closures and a system of alert levels and associated restrictions were introduced within three weeks of New Zealand’s first COVID case being identified. Just over two months after the Country entered full lockdown, all restrictions were eased and by June 2020 sports fans were back in stadiums.

Throughout, Ardern has not tried to sugar-coat how challenging and difficult the response would be, but when asked early on in the pandemic if she was scared, she replied “No, because we have a plan”. Her resolute clarity was one reason why voters re-elected her by a landslide in last year’s General Election, and gave New Zealand it’s first majority Government in over 25 years.

Creative

Creativity in leaders can be misunderstood. People can think it means endless new ideas and initiatives, when really it’s the ability to facilitate change by questioning, listening and responding. Ardern wasn’t the only international leader who didn’t know how to handle a global pandemic. But unlike some of her peers she didn’t attempt to play down the threat, instead she quickly sought the advice of epidemiologists and then acted on it decisively.
Where other leaders might have focused on the specifics of the attack, Ardern’s response to the mosque shootings was to frame the attack not as an attack on muslims, but as an attack on everyone in New Zealand – (the victims) “are us” and the “perpetrator is not” she said; vowed never to say his name and then legislated to ban assault and military-style weapons.

A powerful example of the strength of Soft Power

As well as admiring her as a role model for Soft Power, I also connect with Ardern’s purpose. I founded One of many® because I want my children to grow up into a better world, and I believe greater diversity in leadership will help unlock that. Ardern says she got into politics because of children and wants to transform her country for the wellbeing of children and young people.

In her first term as Prime Minister she committed to halving child poverty in New Zealand by 2028. Conscious that our degrading environment will have huge consequences for future generations she announced a ban on single-use plastic bags throughout the country. During the early days of the pandemic she held a press conference just for children, saying they needed extra help understanding the pandemic, and followed it up days later announcing that Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were essential workers and were exempt from lockdown.

Jacinda Ardern’s leadership style is a powerful example of the strength of Soft Power.

As she told The New York Times in 2018: “One of the criticisms I’ve faced over the years is that I’m not aggressive enough or assertive enough or maybe somehow, because I’m empathetic, it means I’m weak. I totally rebel against that. I refuse to believe that you cannot be both compassionate and strong”.

I agree.

Here’s to fierce compassion.

Who’s your leadership role model?

Let us know in the comments!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Guest blog: Just use the lotion! (How to put yourself first)

April 1, 2021 By Helen Reynolds

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Latest posts by Helen Reynolds (see all)

Guest blog: Just use the lotion! (How to put yourself first) - April 1, 2021
Guest Post: What to wear to a 2-day event - February 27, 2019
Guest blog: How to build inner confidence - April 25, 2018

If you’re familiar with the 5 Women’s PowerTypes, the 5 archetypes of powerful feminine leadership, you might be one of many women who could do with boosting her Lover PowerType. Lover is the leadership archetype who delights in beauty and pleasure, and knows putting herself first is one of the most important ways she can grow her impact.

The biggest excuse I hear from women who want to increase their access to their Lover PowerType is this…

“I don’t have time to think about myself.”

Are you spending every waking hour making sure everyone else is OK to the detriment of yourself?

How long does it really take to smother your gorgeous body with that delicious body cream you got for Christmas? You know, the one you’ve been saving for a special occasion (when in reality it’ll remain on the bathroom shelf, gathering dust for years and then when you finally open it, it’ll smell a bit fusty..).

I timed myself this morning. It took me less than 20 seconds. I even found time to massage the cream into the soles of my feet.

Message: Use the lotion!

I want you to know that looking after your appearance isn’t frivolous or selfish or a waste of time.

It’s a way to respect yourself and your beautiful body. Remember that when you feel good, you have more to give. So today, let’s talk about how to put yourself first.

What makes you feel good?

Maybe using the lotion doesn’t feel like your way of feeling good, but I wonder what is?

Here are some alternative ideas for you to pick from (but please don’t pick one, pick as many as you can. I dare you!).

1. Choose your underwear deliberately.

Wear your nice knickers (even if nobody else will ever know).

2. Mix it up!

When you pick out your clothes for the day, make yourself choose something you haven’t worn for a while. Something else that you save for best perhaps.

3. Adorn yourself

Choose a piece of jewellery or a scarf from your extensive but neglected collection. Even wearing a ring that catches your eye throughout the day can feel good.

4. Use your lipstick

If a thick layer of bold lipstick feels too conspicuous for you, pop it on then blot it off to almost nothing. This creates a lip stain that can stay around for a surprisingly long time. Some women find a bit of colour on their lips works wonders (I have proof, I’m one of them). Give it a go and notice what a difference it makes to you. Does it make your eyes shine more brightly?

5. Wear your perfume

If you have a few bottles lurking around, decide how you’d like to feel today and choose the one that most reflects that.

6. Get painting

Find 20 minutes today or this week to do a mini-mani, heck do a pedi too whilst you are at it. Whether you’re a clear varnish person or a glorious, sexy red, you’ll notice your nails throughout the day, giving you a constant reminder that you looked after yourself – just for a minute.

7. Add an afternoon boost

Some women can get ready in the morning and still look pretty presentable by dinner. Most of us can’t! After your lunch, spend 5 minutes refreshing yourself. Brush your hair, wipe the smudged eye make-up away. Top up the lippy and spritz yourself with your perfume.

Why does this matter?

I’ve long been fascinated with the connection between how we feel and how we behave – which also has an impact on how we are seen but that’s another story…

This past 12 months, many of us have ditched taking care of ourselves as ‘unnecessary’. If no one else is going to see us, why bother?

But think about this. When you’ve had your hair done and your hairdresser has done a particularly good job, how do you feel? When you step outside the salon, how do you walk down the street?

Quietly and slowly with your head down?

Or head held high, longer strides and ready to break into a smile at the first cheery face your eyes meet?

I call this feeling ‘bouncy’. If you haven’t felt bouncy for a while, you really need to start giving your appearance some TLC. Not because you HAVE to look a certain way, but because when you feel good, you bounce. And when you feel bouncy, you are more likely to find the joy in life.

Dress for you and everyone else benefits too

My passion is supporting women to dress in a way that makes them look and feel like the very best version of themselves. This doesn’t mean always being dolled up to the nines, being suited and booted or wearing spanx every day.

I dress a woman for who she is inside and how she wants to be seen. I’ve been through this transformation myself and know that feeling good in your clothes isn’t actually about the clothes.

Of course, I know how to dress a woman in outfits that fit and flatter and are true to their style, but the reason I love this work SO much is because of the unexpected outcome of great style. When my clients undergo their personal style transformation, they feel more confident, they make better and closer connections with their friends, family and colleagues or clients and they want to be more visible. Whether in life or business, they seize opportunities, get out there and lead a bigger more fulfilling life.

How will you put yourself first?

So please use the lotion – or some of my other tips, and notice how it makes you feel. Leave a comment here on the blog and let’s share the joy of helping yourself to feel good (and bouncy!).

About Helen

Helen is a stand for feeling fabulous instead of looking fashionable – because when you feel good, you look good. For female business leaders who dare to express who they really are – and need their wardrobes to catch up and support them in shining bright.

Find out how to up-level your personal style with Helen’s free video series ‘5 style tips to look your most fabulous self.’

www.helenreynoldsstyle.com/tips

Guest blog: How to stop standing on the sidelines

March 25, 2021 By Nadia Finer

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Nadia Finer

Boxer with a legendary left hook | Daughter of an inventor | Shycologist at Shy and Mighty

I’m Nadia Finer, and I’m on a softly-spoken mission to help shy people be more mighty. I know what it’s like to struggle with shyness. You see, all my life I’ve had a little voice. Really little. The kind of voice that makes random people tell me that I should be a cartoon voice-over actress. A voice so little that when strangers ring my house phone, they ask me to put my mum on the phone. It’s no wonder I’m often shy and self-conscious!

I have spent the last 13 years helping people of all ages overcome their fears and insecurities so that they can step out of the shadows and achieve big things, without changing who they really are. I'm writing a new book called Shy and Mighty, (published by Quercus) as well as a book about shyness for kids.

I’ve travelled the world, speaking at international conferences, and have appeared in the Guardian, Radio 4, Entrepreneur.com, The Telegraph, The Independent, HR Magazine and on BBC Radio London.

To find out more about Nadia's work, check out her website and join the shy revolution at www.shyandmighty.com

Do you know what it’s like to be standing on the sidelines?

I do.

As a quiet student in a noisy class of super brains; as the girlfriend of a cute boy in a band; then a football widow, a soccer mum, and most recently, a business owner afraid of putting herself out there… standing on the sidelines is the story of my life!

I’m expert at standing back and watching other people shine.

And it turns out I’m not alone. 57% of us are shy. Half of the population are standing awkwardly on the edge of life, watching the other half get stuck in.

We are capable, smart and intelligent. We have knowledge and skills and experience. We have ideas, hopes, dreams and vision. We’ve got it going on. And yet, we hold ourselves back. We hide.

It’s happening in school, in relationships, in the home, in meetings, in organisations and in society as a whole.

Why shy people don’t get heard

Faced with the powerful force of loud, self-assured voices, we shy people can’t seem to find ours.

We stand back. We put our own opinions and wants and needs to one side. We let other people speak for us. We let other people shine.

We worry about being judged. We shrink away from competition and self-promotion.

We work and work and create and make. We worry about messing up, saying the wrong thing, or being criticised.

We feel like we’re not good enough, like our ideas are not valid and our voice doesn’t matter.

So, we keep our gifts locked away inside us. We don’t put up our hand. We don’t hit publish. Or send. Or unmute. We stand back and watch as other people get the recognition we deserve.

We stay standing on the sidelines — when we could be playing full out.

What happens when we’re shy?

When we stand on the sidelines, we miss out on experiences and fun and success and fulfillment and opportunities and happiness. When we allow our self-consciousness and insecurities to control us, we end up feeling stuck, frustrated and alone.

According to my research, shy people are less likely than outgoing people to get good jobs and earn lots of money. Shy people are half as likely to be happy than outgoing people.

Shy people are not broken. You don’t need to change who you are.

But, if your shyness is causing you to miss out, that is an issue.

And we are not the only ones missing out.

When we are silent, society as a whole misses out too. You have so much to offer.

The world needs your quiet, carefully considered perspectives, your innovative ideas, your intelligent solutions to complex problems, your authentic voice, your empathy, and your kindness.

If everyone was loud and shouty, nobody would be heard and nothing would get done! We’ve seen what happens when the world is dominated by loud people.

And that’s why we shy people need to embrace our shyness, to work with it, and find our voice. Because, we are the shy potential.

4 ways to find your voice and stop standing on the sidelines

#1 Talk about shyness

Shyness is not a shameful secret for people to mask and hide. Let’s start a conversation and make it easier for shy people to express how they’re feeling. If you get a sense that someone you’re close to is shy, start a conversation and invite them to share their experience and fears, so that you can better understand and support them.

#2 Create the conditions

Instead of feeling like a victim of shyness, let’s take control of our lives and create conditions that work for us. For example, if you find it hard to get a word in during remote meetings, suggest to your manager that you submit your ideas after each meeting. It feels good to be in control!

#3 Remember your purpose

Focus on the reason why you’re doing what you do. Your people need you. They need you to speak up and share what’s on your mind. Your purpose is more powerful than the fears holding you back.

#4 Find your voice

Shyness makes us want to hide away. It can make it hard to speak up. So much goes unspoken. Look for different ways to express yourself, privately, without worrying about judgement or perfection. Write a journal, start a book of doodles, learn to crochet, sing in the shower – choose something that feels easy and fun for you.

Are you standing on the sidelines?

Are you a shy person… or perhaps you feel confident in some contexts, and not in others? Do you feel like you’re standing on the sidelines of your life, wishing you could take part? I’d love to invite you to find your voice and say hi in the comments below. Let me know if this article resonates with you, and if you’ve any other helpful tips to share!

Meet Nadia

Boxer with a legendary left hook | Daughter of an inventor | Shycologist

I have spent the last 13 years helping people of all ages overcome their fears and insecurities so that they can step out of the shadows and achieve big things, without changing who they really are. I’m writing a new book called Shy and Mighty, (published by Quercus) as well as a book about shyness for kids.

I’ve travelled the world, speaking at international conferences, and have appeared in the Guardian, Radio 4, Entrepreneur.com, The Telegraph, The Independent, HR Magazine and on BBC Radio London.

To find out more about Nadia’s work, check out her website and join the shy revolution at www.shyandmighty.com

How to deal with negative people

October 1, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

Who’s that person in your life… The one who makes your heart sink when you see their name pop up on your phone – or whose response to your latest idea or project is bound to deflate you? Negative people can be really challenging to handle – so today I want to share 5 quick ways to reframe a relationship that’s bringing you down.

Let’s start with something that you need to get out of the way first.

Every now and again I hear a different version of the same advice I’ve heard a lot over the years. ‘Cut out negative people!’ ‘Don’t allow negative people to colour your life!’ ‘Surround yourself with positive people only!’.

This is all good advice. If we eliminate negative influences chances are that the life we want will unfold in a more positive direction.

But what if you can’t just ‘cut them out’?

What if you have a negative boss but you like your job? What if it’s your neighbour, but you don’t want to move house? What if it’s your mother, and you’re definitely not at a point where you want to be completely estranged?

Yes, we need to create space for positive change but sometimes we have to do that by shifting our own mindset.

And if our only way to handle challenging people is to avoid them completely, we’re cutting ourselves off from interactions that might really have something to teach us.

This a great chance for us to practice compassion, patience and unconditional love!

Here are five ways to get started.

1. Use the Women’s PowerTypes to connect more effectively

If you haven’t come across the Women’s PowerTypes before, you can read more about them here. Often, a quick check in with how you’re showing up in a relationship can help you see what needs to be shifted.

Perhaps you’re taking on a “Mothering” role for a friend, when actually stepping into Queen would help you set boundaries that would empower both of you.
Have you been sharing your intuitive “Sorceress” instincts with a partner, who’s more powerfully engaged with through magnetic Lover?
Or maybe your direct report at work always clashes with you when you’re in “Queenly” strategy modeWhat would be different if you got into action as Warrioress before asking for their input on your project?

You could also use the PowerTypes to help you release any pent up emotion following difficult interactions.

For example, if conversations with your sister often leave you tense, you might want to consciously spend some time in Lover to fill your energy back up afterwards. If you’re stuck, ask for help in the BeOne community. We love to help each other connect to these leadership archetypes more powerfully.

2. Don’t go there.

Some people have a hard time recognising which comments are supportive and which are critical. If there’s a particular area of my life I don’t like discussing with someone I will request that we don’t discuss it at all.

Maybe you could make a mental note that you won’t bring up your career with your hyper-critical Dad, or that work conversations should steer clear of relationships.

It’s OK to have boundaries around topics, and to actively choose not to engage in conversation around subjects that always lead to hurt.

3. Be understanding and compassionate.

Especially in today’s fast-paced, unpredictable world, many of us are carrying a heavy emotional burden that can lead unthinking responses. Everybody has their own struggles. We’re all just one of many humans trying to do the best that we can. The chances are that the people we feel are hurting us have been badly hurt themselves.

This is particularly important to remember on social media, when conversations can flare up and misunderstandings are rife. Often an offline conversation is a kinder way to check in with them and resolve any lingering upset.

4. Accept them.

Sometimes we’re challenged by a desire to “fix” those we care about. When someone you love is in a repeated pattern, and you feel as though the change they need to make is clear, it can be tough to bite your tongue.

In these situations, I tell myself it’s not my job to heal them. I do not have the power to change them. If they are ever going to change they will have to do so of their own accord. The only person I am able to change is me.

Which leads me to point 5…

5. If all else fails… gather the data!

If you really can’t shift the relationship, you can at least change your experience of it. An empowering way to do that is to treat the interactions as data. So get curious. What is is specifically that “triggers” you when it comes to this person? Does that remind you of an experience in childhood, a particularly tender area of your life, or a need that’s not currently being met?

Whenever you feel emotions rising, make a mental note to log away what you’re learning.

Journal on it, use it as the basis for a coaching conversation, or if you’re part of Living the Change bring it to a group call.

Sometimes, it’s the most frustrating people in our lives who are our greatest teachers.

Loving the negative people… it’s possible!

So if you can’t cut negative people out of your life you can approach them from a place of love. It sounds impossible but try it. The toxic relationship will become charged with positive energy.

And along the way you might learn things about yourself you might never have known.

Life is too short to give critical and negative people the power to influence our direction. Cherish your dreams, learn from your relationships, and don’t let anyone stop you or slow you down.

How about you?

How do you deal with negative people? Are there some people in your life you feel you ought to cut out but can’t? Could you try changing your reaction? Let us know in the comments…

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How your vulnerability is your strength

September 24, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

Let’s talk about vulnerability today. If you’ve ever found yourself secretly thinking “everybody seems to be doing better than me!”, read on. I’m going to explain why that’s not true, what stops us from admitting it, and how sharing what’s really going on for you can be a source of radical power and support. Strange as it might seem, your vulnerability is your strength when you find the right space to share it.

But first, let’s start with why this moment in history is wobbly for so many of us. That’s to do with the unique lens through which we’re viewing the rest of the world.

Take a moment to think about how you’re getting your impression of how others are doing.

With the restrictions in place as I write, many of us are increasingly filtering our interactions through the lens of social medias.

We’re not having as many glancing interactions with people – the casual connection at the playground or the pub. Those times you see each other around the water cooler at work, and just feel that someone’s energy is “off”. Tiny moments of compassion for strangers.

So we don’t recognize the fact that a lot of us are suffering.

Recent months have seen an epidemic of mask wearing.

(I’m not talking about the one you pop on to go to the shops.)

I’m talking about the “everything’s okay” mask.

You know the difference, right?

That, “everything’s fine!” or “I’ve got this handled!” mask.

That particular kind of mask wearing seems to have gone up a lot in recent times.

Our virtual gatherings during the pandemic were the first time in some cases, for weeks, months, or even years where many of us felt safe to go:

“You know what? Maybe I can rest my load down a little bit here and actually say how I really am.”

Early on, I noticed lots of people starting to share words to the effect of… “I’m actually really not managing very well.”

I’m not doing okay.

I’m struggling in my relationship.

I’m feeling like I’m failing as a parent.

We heard from women who were struggling to stop weeping. Dealing with real big emotions. Or experiencing that sense of sleepwalking numbness.

So many very deep and powerful shares.

What was revealed was just how much we are collectively challenged and hurting at this time.

Even those of us who are very well resourced. I’m thinking of our Lead the change graduates and participants in our Mastery program who are really deeply embedded in the tools. Even us as trainers! We’ve been working with these tools for years and years and years, decades in some cases.

And even the most resourced of us are feeling the strain of this time.

We are feeling the pressure, but…

We’re not talking about it in any other spaces. Which is why I think it freaked a few people out! A few people felt alarmed by hearing all this big emotion come up – and maybe even wondered if the event itself was causing an outburst.

But the truth is, those feelings and all of the hurt and challenge were already there.

This year many of us have experienced stress, difficult decisions and emotional strain unlike anything else we’ve gone through.

All that changed was the environment we created where it was safe to say that out loud.

And I’ve been reflecting on just how rare and precious that is ever since.

How vulnerable so many of us are feeling at the moment and just how few safe places we have to say that out loud.

Your vulnerability is your strength – because hiding it saps your energy.

… We’re lacking spaces where we can offload

This is a community of change making women who care. Which means if you’re reading this, you’re very likely to be the person in your space who listens, who’s the “go to” person.

The pillar of strength in the community.

We’re under huge pressure in our home environments, and on top of that we’re often being the strong ones for our family members, our wider family, and in our work spaces for our teams and colleagues.

And we are often the last ones to reach out and say, “I’m not doing okay”.

Because we feel like if we say that out loud, the whole world will fall apart.

But today I want to challenge that assumption. And here’s why.

Our feelings are collective

Part of the power of being open with our vulnerability is the recognition that it is a universal experience. Grief is universal. Fear is universal.

Sometimes we can feel like there’s something wrong with us as individuals – that we are somehow broken or particularly challenged. That our neighbor isn’t feeling this. The other school mums next to us are coping fine. The other women who are out dating or leading teams are not experiencing fear or sadness – that everybody else seems to have it together.

That is absolutely not the case.

Your vulnerability is not a fault or a problem. It’s a normal, healthy, compassionate human response.

In this community, your vulnerability is your strength

When we come together in community and we start talking about our experiences, one of the first and most healing pieces is this realisation that emotions are universal experiences.

“I’m not the only one!”

Why does this surprise us? Well, I’ll tell you why it surprises us… because we don’t bloody well talk about it!

We don’t talk about our innermost feelings. We don’t talk about the fact that we sent an email out to a potential client and they didn’t write back and we feel rejected and alone.

We don’t talk about the fact that we went out on three dates with a girl or a guy, and then we didn’t hear from them afterwards. They disappeared and we feel rejected and alone.

We might talk about what happened, but how often do we actually talk about how we are feeling at a deeper level?

And if I could take that one step forward further, I would say, how many of us actually even take the time to notice how we’re feeling at a deeper level?

What’s missing in our culture and in our society, are safe spaces to be heard, to be the full entirety of who we are.

All of our huge, awesome and rocking magnificence and all of our vulnerable, weepy, uncertain, insecure selves.

We just don’t have those spaces.

At One of many, we’re dedicated to creating safe spaces for women to share

And that for me is one of the things that I’m intensely grateful for.

To see how all of us feel able to come to show up, to share so deeply here, is incredibly moving and empowering for me.

If you’re someone who doesn’t even look at your own emotions, you start hearing from women who are more open.

And you might just start to look for the very first time and start to notice how you feeling.

Or, if you’re very present to how you’re feeling, but not actually telling anybody about it, you might show up on a Living the Change coaching call or in the Be One Global Community on Facebook. And say “this is what’s going on for me right now”.

When it’s said out loud, it becomes a shared experience.

And then what usually happens in this community is hundreds or dozens at least of other women go, “Oh, me too. You know, that’s something similar happened to me. Yeah. Something similar happened to my sister.”

It’s such a powerful thing. And that relief that can follow sharing openly, and not being judged, is so powerful.

Sometimes it’s just the ability to lay down the burden in a safe space, which is a critical piece.

This extraordinary community

So I want to acknowledge and honor you, right now, because whether you found us 5 years or 5 minutes ago, you’re a part of what makes the fabric of this community. You are a part of what makes this a safe space. And I thank you for how you are with each other.

Want more support – along with practical ways to create change?

If you need someone in your corner, if you want to lay down the burden, if you want a place where it’s normal to feel things, it’s normal to have challenges, and it doesn’t make you broken or wrong or helpless… I invite you to come and join us in Living the Change.

You’ll get access to all the tools and resources in our membership site, plus The Hearth, our private online coaching space space. Our in-house coaches are there to answer your questions and provide support whenever you need it.

This isn’t about whining or blaming or being victims. It’s a place to find an empowered sharing of what’s truly going on and practical tools and strategies to help you to create the life you want – to get the results you want to get.

Click here to find out more.

Where’s your safe space to share?

What are you going to do next? How are you going to reach out and to whom?

If you’re already in Living the Change and it’s been a while since you came on a coaching call, maybe it’s to join one of the calls, and prioritize getting your hand up and getting coached?
Maybe it’s coming into the BeOne community and sharing how you’re doing. You could say “I’m not looking for advice” or “I just want to know if anyone feels like this” – or maybe you’d like some tips from someone else who’s been in your situation. It’s up to you. Tell us what you need.
Maybe it’s calling up a friend and saying “I haven’t spoken to you for a long time cause I’ve been having a tough time. Can we have a real conversation about the tough times we’re having, and maybe be there for each other?”

There’s many, many ways to create your safe space, but you need one. All of us need one right now. It’s a really tough time. What are you going to do to support you to handle it with even more support? Let me know in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Why we’re so emotional right now

August 27, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Stress: 6 warning signs that something’s got to change - June 17, 2021
How to shift your energy - June 9, 2021
A surprising way to boost your leadership - June 3, 2021

“I can’t feel my legs at all now!” I yelled to James as he shivered on the beach. “Come on in, it’s fabulous!”

August in North Wales and I was channelling my inner Brit, stoically frolicking in the freezing surf despite the overcast clouds and drizzle. The sea really was glorious, even if it was undoubtedly very, very cold. And after the initial shock had worn off I really did stop noticing the cold in my fingers and toes. (For the record, that was not enough to get James into the water!)

And thanks to my medical training, I knew why. My body was responding in the appropriate way to the shock of the cold environment – diverting blood flow from my extremities to preserve my core functioning.

So what does this have to do with the fact that you’re feeling so emotional right now?

Well, as I returned this week, I found myself reflecting on that physiological stress response, and how it relates to what we’ve been experiencing on a psychological level.

Many of us are noticing ourselves responding in unusual ways emotionally, having been plunged into the shock of the global pandemic.

Our responses are normal, but they’re also important to pay attention to. Because, if we don’t take notice of our own needs when it comes to processing our emotions, we can store up even greater problems in the future.

Why we’re so emotional right now: the impact of stress

Every single one of us has come under stress in recent months – on top of the existing strains of our usual day to day juggle. Many of us were already in “Superwoman” mode when the pandemic began.

Somehow, we found reserves in the tank to power through that initial shock. And for each of us the impact has been vastly different. Some of us have lost loved ones, have been in frontline jobs, have seen businesses evaporate overnight. We’ve all been through our own challenges, big and small.

Not sure if you’ve been impacted? Think back. Have you experienced:

Crazy dreams
Flashbacks to particularly stressful moments
Crying inappropriately
Losing your temper with someone you wouldn’t usually
A feeling of numbness or dissociation

These are all symptoms of the stress you’ve been under.

And we’ve adapted. We learned new habits. We learned how to interpret statistics and analyse exponential curves; to carry a mask and wash our hands. We’ve gradually learned to adopt a 17 step process for grocery shopping, and navigate an advanced series of risk management protocols before considering something as previously simple as “visiting grandma”.

Every single one of these adaptations has drawn more on our executive function – requiring energy to make decisions and adjust to change.

And of course, that’s only looking at the Covid pandemic. Everything else in life didn’t stop. If your parent has dementia, your relationship’s breaking up, or your child has additional needs, you’ll have been navigating those things as well. You might have been deeply involved by the Black Lives Matter movement, had your financial foundations rocked, or had another health issue crop up.

Just because many of us have now got through the hard part of full lockdown, doesn’t mean things have got easier.

No wonder we’re feeling so emotional right now!

Now, we’re facing a new and different challenge.

For many of us our energy for change, our drive for stepping up and being creative again, for making change in the world, having an impact through business or leading our family into new ventures – is hugely depleted right now.

We’re frustrated, sad, grieving, procrastinating and confused.

So how does this relate to my tentative steps into those bracing Welsh waves last week?

When we’re faced with extreme stress, just like my shivering limbs in the North sea responded to the physical cold, our psyches react. We tend to shut down our emotional response in order to get through. We go into “functioning” mode, doing what needs to be done – furloughing staff, comforting kids, reassuring partners.

And it’s important to understand that this is a completely normal thing to do.

When we’re facing trauma or stress, we often suppress the emotions that accompany it. It enables us to keep going and preserve ourselves and our loved ones.

But those emotions don’t go away. As time goes on, many of us are starting to feel “full up” with emotion. This is where that “I’m just so emotional right now!” feeling starts to crop up. We’ve experienced fear, panic, anger, rage, division, isolation.

And most of us don’t have an “emotional hygiene” practice for safely letting go of those pent-up feelings.

It’s been a highly emotional time across the planet

Normally when you have a tough time, you can turn to someone who’s not having a tough time. But when everyone’s in the midst of turbulence, we’ve got no one to turn to. We become isolated – and that exacerbates our stress.

You might have gone through periods of numbness, and now find that your emotions are starting to spill over in inappropriate ways.

Or perhaps you experienced a snappy stage a while back, but now you’re starting to feel increasingly withdrawn – and you know you’re comfort eating at night in an attempt to keep those uncomfortable feelings at bay.

There’s no rule book for this stuff, and the science surrounding stress and trauma is still evolving. If you’re feeling so emotional right now, that’s OK.

What’s clear is that almost all of us are experiencing some kind of emotional reaction to stress – and we need to make sure we prioritise addressing that as soon as we can.

What can you do if you’re feeling extra emotional right now?

Dealing with our emotions depends to some extent on the scope of the trauma. If you’ve experienced massive trauma and it’s seriously impacting your life, I suggest you find a professional counsellor or therapist to help guide you through your experience.

Otherwise, there are 4 things you need to allow yourself to safely and powerfully process your emotions. And one simple way you can access them, absolutely free.

1. Safe space

To really allow yourself to process emotions, you need to be in a “safe space”. Physically, you need to be able to relax and know that you’re not under threat, and won’t be disturbed, so that your body can fully relax. And it’s also important to have enough time to get into the process, without being called away to work, parent, or otherwise be a “grown up”. Switch off notifications, close the door, and let others know not to disturb you.

2. Time away from the everyday

Time to delve into your emotions needs a distinct space from all the other demands of your life. Giving yourself the space to hold your feelings acknowledges how important this is. Just as a massage or exercise class might tend to your body, this is an important aspect of supporting your emotional health. Prioritise it, make space for it, and allow yourself to acknowledge everything you’ve been through.

3. Tools to help you work through emotions

There are many different tools you can use for feeling and processing emotion – and a skilled professional will be able to share the ones which will be most effective for you. At One of many we have a host of resources to help women process their emotions healthily – and I’ll share more about our upcoming workshop, which is free to join, in a moment.

4. Support from a competent guide

This might be a coach, counsellor, healer or trainer – you might do this as part of a group or 1:1. Emotional work can be really challenging to do by yourself, and if you have an experienced guide to lead you through the process you’ll be able to more fully release the stress you’ve experienced and trust that you’ll feel freer at the end.

You’re invited to start the healing process together

We’re acutely aware that thousands of women in our community and beyond have been shouldering a huge amount during this extraordinary year. Our submission to the Parliamentary Women and Equalities Committee here in the UK revealed how disproportionately women had been impacted by Covid-19.

And now, as time passes and our challenges and experiences morph and change, we’re hearing the need for support to heal, grow, and reconnect to our energy to be a force for change in the world.

Momentum for Change is a 2-day interactive virtual experience happening on 19–20 September.

We’ll be gathering as a global community of women to create a safe space where we can start this healing work together.

It’s going to be an incredible space for transformation, with amazing guest speakers, interactive workshops, and sessions to address the many and varied challenges we’re facing – from our careers to our wellbeing.

Registration is FREE and we’re committed to inviting as many women as we can to this very special gathering. Please forward this article to anyone you know who’s been experiencing the stresses of the past year, and would love to join us.

Click here to book your place now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to deal with your emotions

August 13, 2020 By Annie Stoker

About
Latest Posts

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Why do we find emotions so difficult to handle?

If we try to avoid some emotions that we don’t like, they are bound to come back to us later, because all emotions simply want to be expressed. After all they are just energy in motion and emotions naturally bubble up inside us, get expressed and then leave. However, if we try to interrupt this process we can bring all sorts of problems upon ourselves.

When you don’t know how to deal with your emotions it’s often the avoidance strategies that cause you most problems – not the emotions themselves.

Here’s what I mean.

Every feeling that gets generated has five parts as follows:

The thought about the situation
The resulting emotion
The way we perceive the emotion and the meaning we ascribe to it
The way we feel about that meaning
The way we respond to the emotion

Our response to an emotion often has a greater impact than the feeling itself.

No-one has ever died of an emotion!

Many people have died as a result of not managing their emotions but instead turning to substance abuse, addictions and dangerous behaviour.

If emotions are suppressed for long enough they can also cause havoc on a physical level by contributing to diseases and physical symptoms. As long as we do not want to experience a set of emotions and want to avoid them at any cost, the fact remains that someday, we will find ourselves facing those emotions at such an intensity that all our energy, willpower and control will be washed away trying to overcome them.

Here’s how to discover your emotional preferences

Try the following exercise:

Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.

On one side of the line, list out the emotions that you like and want to continue to experience in life:

Now, on the other side, list out the emotions that you dislike and want to avoid.

Once you complete the above two lists, you will see that there are a few emotions that you like (for instance: happiness, love, joy, excitement, etc) and probably a lot more other emotions that you don’t like (for example: sadness, anger, fear, hurt, disappointment, hate, jealousy, inadequacy, shame, confusion, doubt, rejection etc).

It is very common for people to have fewer emotions that they like and a large number of emotions that they don’t like.

What this means is that when we think about how to deal with our emotions, we often focus on trying to manipulate life in order to avoid the ones we don’t like.

For example if you’re afraid of rejection, you may then avoid speaking in public, getting into relationships, being noticed at work, making mistakes, speaking your mind etc.

We can run our whole lives trying to avoid emotions we dislike.

Introducing… Emotional Allergies!

Sometimes, we become so allergic to particular feelings, due to intense experiences of them in the past, that we will do anything to avoid them.

Even if it means missing out on things we actually want.

But being aware of what emotions you like and what emotions make you cringe is important for ensuring emotional freedom.

After all, what do you think is more logical: running away from something that is bound to occur, or trying to find a way to accept something that may be uncomfortable but is going to happen anyway?

Once you know this then you can challenge yourself to remain open even to the ones you like least. After all, they are part of being human and are guaranteed to turn up at some point in your life.

How to deal with your emotions

Instead of trying to run away from them and avoid all the situations that you think could possibly cause them, why not ask the more intelligent question of “How can I accept them?” instead?

Eventually, with practice, you’ll find emotions are no longer your enemy. They become part of your life, and your emotional landscape gets more colorful and interesting.

Learning how to deal with your emotions is not about liking or disliking a particular emotion, it is about just being open to all kinds of emotions. In the end you don’t mind what you are feeling – it is all welcome.

As long as we are willing to experience all kinds of emotion for whatever duration, the more easily they can flow through us. You’ll find they actually disappear pretty quickly when you let go!

So choose to be willing, don’t make emotions mean anything (they don’t – they are just sensations) and just let them flow through you without resistance.

Developing emotional intelligence

We develop emotional intelligence when we are able to feel all our emotions and accept them for however long they hang around. A conscious effort to face all kinds of emotion without using any strategy to avoid them plus the willingness to experience all the sensations of every emotion, will ultimately lead to freedom.

If you are open to experiencing any and all feelings, then there is actually nothing in life you need to be afraid of anymore.

You are just open, present and accepting of whatever happens outside and whatever you feel inside.

Over to you

How about you? What emotions do you feel habitually, and which ones do you try and avoid at all costs? “Mapping” your emotional landscape like this can be a really fascinating exercise – we’d love to know what comes up for you. Leave us a comment and let us know!

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Guest post: 5 ways to feel empowered about politics

August 6, 2020 By Sara Price

About
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Sara Price

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author.

#1 Understand the system

Politics can often feel like a private members club that you are paying for but are excluded from. It is a club populated by cliques, speaking a language filled with confusing jargon and running processes and procedures that seem convoluted at best and downright diabolical at worst!

To wield influence, to hold politicians to account, to create opportunities to have your say, you need to clear away the confusion and develop a solid understanding of how the system functions.

One of the fastest routes to failure is to take action inside a system that you do not understand. So get informed: do a course, read a book, speak to experts – make sure you know enough about your political system to know where the entry points are and how you might be able to influence it.

#2 Learn the language

Visiting a country where you don’t speak the language can sap your confidence and make you feel vulnerable and excluded. But often, it’s just a question of learning a few key phrases: being able to say please and thank you and ‘do you speak English?’

You don’t necessarily need to be fluent but if you know enough to get by you will feel more comfortable and more confident when travelling.

The same applies to politics. The language of politics is full of jargon and I know many people who avoid talking to politicians or about politics because they don’t understand the ‘lingo’. My advice: just treat it like any other language and spend some time learning a few key phrases.

But also, don’t be afraid to ask people to explain what they mean ‘in plain English’. If you are talking to a politician or official and you don’t understand what they are saying, there is a responsibility on them to explain more clearly. Remember, they work for you.

#3 Understand how policy is made

All political systems have – sometimes arcane – procedures for initiating, discussing and deciding on policy and legislation and it helps to have at least a superficial understanding of how this works.

Here’s a rule of thumb: by the time a draft law is being voted on in the legislature, the Government has already put a huge amount of time and effort into it and is unlikely to want to change it a great deal. So, if there’s a policy you are passionate about, you need to get involved way before it gets to that point. And that means understanding the processes used to develop policy BEFORE it becomes legislation.

#4 Stay informed

If you want to engage and influence the policies that interest you or you want to hold your representatives to account for the decisions that are making, it stands to reason that you need to stay informed.

Every country and every institution has its own way of sharing news and updates and so it’s not possible to provide an exhaustive list here but here are 3 pointers:

Watch or listen to the news or read a quality daily newspaper

I know the news can be depressing but if you want to know what is going on in the world then the news is a much better and more reliable source than Facebook.

Subscribe to a podcast

There are some brilliant podcasts that will keep you up to date with what’s going on in the world of politics generally. In the UK, the BBC has several:
a. The Week in Westminster
b. Today in Parliament
c. Pienaar’s Politics
d. Westminster Hour
e. Political Thinking with Nick Robinson

Follow your representative

If you want to hold your representative to account then you need to know what they are up to. Follow them on Twitter. Sign up for their newsletter (most of them now issue one)

#5 Take regular small steps

Don’t try and do it all at once. When you first decide to get informed and to engage more in politics it can seem overwhelming. Don’t try to eat the elephant in one sitting. Take small, regular bites. Focus on understanding first; ask questions; find people who are prepared to teach you.

You don’t have to go from vaguely interested to being a prospective candidate overnight. You don’t ever have to be a candidate at all!

But wouldn’t it be empowering just to have a deeper understanding of what the people you have elected are actually up to? Wouldn’t it feel energising to know how to get hold of your representative and how to enlist their help or hold them accountable?

You can do it – it just takes that first commitment to action.

About Sara

The Knitting, Baby-whispering Karaoke queen!

Sara is the Founder of Actually which she set up to empower those who want to make a difference in the world to grow their businesses and their impact by developing great communication skills; overcoming mindset blocks and getting the right support. Sara’s specialises in communications, campaigning and PR – and her flagship training programme, How to Actually Spread the Word, helps purpose-led entrepreneurs, coaches and consultants to step up, speak up and make a difference. She is also a One of many coach and trainer; a mentor with the social enterprise support group Unltd and the co-Founder of one of London’s leading independent communications agencies.

Please visit www.actually.world or email sara@actually.world for more information.