One of Many

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How delegation can be used to empower others

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Delegation is a vital tool for any leader. After all, there’s simply no way we can do every task that crosses our plate. But delegating well requires more than simply firing off an email or setting a task for a colleague. When you know how delegation can be used to empower others it doesn’t just free up your time – it helps you cultivate stronger, more resilient relationships and experience true support from those around you.

First, know what’s yours to delegate

One of the hallmarks of Superwoman – the disempowering archetype of our time for women – is her belief that “Everything is my responsibility”.

Tiffany Dufu is a writer and leader who’s achieved undoubtable professional success: A launch team member to Lean In, she previously served as President of The White House Project and was named in Fast Company’s League of Extraordinary Women. Her book, Drop the Ball, explores how letting go of our need to achieve perfection in every area of our lives.

In an interview with Marianne Schnall for the Huffington post, Dufu explained how hard we can find that to do – and why it matters so much:

“The biggest ball that I needed to drop was just this huge ball around unrealistic expectations and just doing it all, and ultimately that’s the ball I feel like women should drop. And it’s the most insidious one, and it’s the reason why the book is called Drop the Ball and not How to Get Other People to Pick Up the Ball.

Because in my experience, once I dropped the ball, it really did open up a whole new world of possibilities for what I could attain and what I could achieve, in large part from just engaging the people around me.”

Before you begin to delegate, then, ask yourself: Can I simply let go of this?

Can I let myself off the hook, and allow someone else to step in – perhaps by saying no, not speaking up… or simply doing nothing?

Delegating is an action that requires energy.

And there may be things on your list that, when you get realistic about your expectations, don’t even need to be delegated: they can simply be crossed off.

So, first things first: look at what’s on your list. Is there anything you can formally give your permission to let go of – can you experience what it’s like to consciously “Drop the ball?”

In Tiffany’s experience:

“I got so overwhelmed that I eventually did start dropping balls… not that I was necessarily trying to. And I discovered that the world didn’t fall apart, and I had never had that experience before because I had always been someone who cared deeply about not dropping balls and had been paranoid about not dropping them. And so, it kind of kept them up in the air.

…if there’s one thing I feel like we need more practice in, it’s just failing publicly. To know that life can still go on.”

When you do choose to delegate, do so effectively

So you’ve looked at your list, and perhaps been able to cross off a few things that really don’t need to be done by you, if at all.

Inevitably, there will still be some things to delegate.

(Some of them you might not want to – but they simply aren’t priorities, and they still need to happen. You can’t do them yourself, so it’s time to let them go.)

How can you pass them on in a way that creates the best possible chance of them being completed effectively?

Without dumping them on a hapless colleague, or undermining the person you’re asking?

Well, over time, I’ve identified 6 distinct steps to effective delegation that actually empowers those around you.

1. Get their full attention

It might sound obvious, but this is important.

It’s essential if the conversation is to be an empowering one, because it means that you’re also giving them the gift of your attention, should they have queries or concerns.

A face to face conversation is ideal; a phonecall second best. If you need to delegate in writing, say via email, make sure you’re clear about what you’re asking, and invite them to respond as appropriate.

2. Tell them what you want them to do

Make it clear what the task is.

You’re not telling them how to do it – just what the outcome is that you want.

3. Tell them why

There’s nothing more disempowering than simply being told to do something without knowing why it matters.

Even if it seems obvious, it bears repeating. You’ll never know if you have a bigger picture, or a different angle, on why this is important at this particular time. Make sure you share that, so that you’re on the same page.

This really helps foster a sense of trust and collaboration, rather than hierarchy.

Think “Here’s why we need to do this” rather than “This is why I’m telling you…”

4. Agree a time-frame

Note the word “agree” – you’re not imposing it!

Ask them when they can do it, or let them know what your deadline is. This is an opportunity to model good time management, by acknowledging that they have other priorities, and giving them space to consider where this new task fits in.

If you think the task you’re delegating needs to be higher up their list, try asking “What would you need to move to have it done by Monday?”.

Makign sure you’ve clearly shared the “Why” behind the task is a crucial piece here – as it helps contextualise timescales and make clear what’s at stake if it doesn’t happen by a certain date.

5. Ask for understanding

Especially if you’re in a position of seniority, make sure you open up communication.

Think about how you’d like someone to check in with you – maybe ask “have you got that?” or “do you need anything else?”.

In terms of the Women’s PowerTypes, the most effective energy to delegate from is that of Mother. It allows you to remain sensitive to the wellbeing of your team and support them to work at their optimum level.

(To understand more about the PowerTypes and how you can use them to become a more effective leader, click here).

Iron out any concerns and make sure they know where to get the information they need.

6. Schedule follow up

Remember, you’re delegating – not abdicating. So you need to know when you’re going to check in, and have a method for recording that: perhaps a separate section on your to-do list, or a reminder in your calendar.

How do you delegate?

Got a tip on delegating to share – or an example of when you’ve felt empowered when someone delegated to you? Let us know in the comments.

Great leaders lift others up

The leadership we’re cultivating at One of many doesn’t rely on having power over others. Instead, it allows us to empower those around us while standing in our own Soft Power – and feeling confident that we’re taking the actions we need to to have the impact we want.

If you’d like to find out more about this new leadership paradigm, Be Powerful is our 12 week course. It can help you explore a more powerful way of showing up in every area of your life – including setting boundaries, delegating, and discovering what you really want.

Check out the full details here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to handle difficult family members

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Every family is different, and when it comes to the person who we find most challenging all of us are unique. Perhaps it’s a parent who can’t help themselves from handing out the unwanted advice at every opportunity; the little brother whose judgments you could do without; or the uncle whose attitude of “someone else will take care of me” feels like the final straw. When it comes to how to handle difficult family members, there’s a simple framework that can be a real life-saver, and that’s what I’m going to to share with you today.

One of the things that makes family stuff so challenging is that we often find it really hard to extract our emotions from what’s happening.

For example, take a snide comment that feels like a pointed attack, and has you storming out of the room, seething with rage. If you were watching a movie of your interaction, it might seem pretty innocuous – your step-brother’s giving you a bit of financial advice, maybe.

What an onlooker wouldn’t see are the years or decades of history leading up to that moment. If you’ve felt belittled or patronised over a long period of time, that one comment can really seem like the final straw. And it’s that kind of build up that can leave your normally resourceful self feeling like you’re fourteen years old again.

Setting boundaries with your family can be hard

We can’t choose our families, and so one of the most effective tools we have at our disposal are boundaries. Boundaries help you set strong limits around what is and isn’t acceptable.

But they often feel complicated because we tend to lump everyone we’re related to together under one label: “family”. Your soulmate sister occupies the same mental territory as your dad, who you can’t stand to be in the same room with once he’s had that first drink. And whereas you’d feel confident letting a colleague know if they’d crossed a line, it doesn’t feel right to put the same boundary in place with your aunt. After all, she’s family, right?

Now, I want to talk a little about boundaries. Where we tend to compromise on boundaries a lot is by giving other people energy for things which are not important to us. Why? Well, lots of reasons:

  • We want their approval
  • We worry what they think about us
  • We don’t want to be rejected by them,

Or all sorts of other things you can probably think of when it comes to your family.

So what I’m going to share now is a simple way to start getting clearer about your boundaries.

It’s not complicated, but to get the hang of it you’ll probably find it easiest to grab a piece of paper and a pen. Anything will do – back of an envelope, a post-it note, whatever comes to hand.

The only 3 boundaries you need

Firstly, start by drawing 3 concentric circles – one in the middle, one round that, and another one round the edge of that. This is how you’re going to rethink your boundaries with the different people in your life.

At the center of is you. It’s that simple. The very middle is you, and that’s you and your energy.

Write “Me” in the middle of that first circle.

Around you, then, and closest to you and your energy, is the realm of the Mother. In that second circle, write “Hearth” – this is the first, and closest, circle of people in your life – whether or not you’re related to them. 

The realm of the Mother: The Hearth

The realm of the Mother is called the “Hearth”. In an old house, the hearth or fireplace would quite literally be the warm centre of the home, and this is the image I want you to start with when thinking about whose energy has an impact on your life.

The people who are at your hearth are the people who are very close to you and very special to you, and how they are really impacts how you are. What I mean by that is: if your child is upset, you’re upset. Sure, you might practice mindfulness or use other strategies so that you’re not literally unable to function when your toddler’s having a meltdown, but for the people at your hearth your connection is really strong.

Now, this is the really important part: You get to choose who’s at your hearth. It’s not dictated to by someone else.

The people at your hearth are people like your children. Your spouse would probably be at your hearth.

You might have some of your siblings at your hearth, but maybe not necessarily all of your siblings.

Your parents might be at your hearth or they might not be, right? You get to choose. You might have your mum, but not your dad, or your dad at your hearth, but not your mum.

You might have your neighbor at your hearth if you’re particularly close with them. Your best friend might be at your hearth.

It’s like an intimate group of people, and this is the distinction.

How to work out who’s at your hearth

Figuring out who is at your hearth is the area of the Mother PowerType, and here’s why: This is a group of people for whom you will sacrifice energy on a short-term basis. If your kid is unwell, you’ll get out of bed and drive them to hospital even if the most important thing for your well-being is a good night’s sleep. That’s how you decide if they’re at your hearth.

People that you would dip into and even go negative in your energetic stakes that you are happy to sacrifice for because their well-being is that important to you, so it’s the realm of the Mother PowerType.

Beyond the hearth: The realm

Beyond the hearth then is the “Realm,” and the realm is the area of the Queen PowerType. In that third circle, write realm.

Your realm are people that are not at your hearth, but you do care about them. They’re people beyond that, so siblings who are not at your hearth might be at your realm. (You might have some siblings who are not even in your realm. We’ll talk about that in a moment.)

Your realm are people like your siblings who are not at your hearth, your parents who are not at your hearth, your kids who are not at your hearth, and any of those close connections.

You might have friends who are in your realm but not necessarily at your hearth. I’ve got lots of friends like that. They’re not “drop anything” friends, but they’re great friends. They’re in my realm. Your clients would be in your realm, if you feel a connection to them.

For me, the Hunger Project and everyone that works with the Hunger Project, which is the aid organization that One of many support both with our time and with our money, are in my realm and very important in my realm. In fact, sometimes they cross into my hearth. Sometimes, they ask me to do things, and I go negative because it’s important for me.

That’s the context of realm. If you’re the Queen, these are the people who are in your nation. Not everybody is going to be in your nation. You cannot give your energy to everyone all the time. The Hunger Project is very much in my realm, but there are dozens, hundreds, thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of other amazing aid organizations doing great work, amazing not for profits doing great work who are not in my realm. I can’t have everyone in my realm. As much as sometimes you’d like to, you can’t.

What if someone’s in the wrong place?

Now, you might be looking at the diagram you’ve just jotted down and thinking that there are people in your Hearth who are draining lots of your energy – and actually, they don’t belong there. 

Sometimes, people that are currently at your hearth or in your realm shouldn’t even be in your realm. That’s when it’s time to get into your Queen PowerType and banish them from your realm – with love, but knowing you’re not going to give them any energy anymore.

If you’ve got a brother who is just a total drain, always rings you up at the most inopportune moments, never ever supports you when you need it, is angry all the time, is just abusive when he calls you up, but you’re helping him out of some feeling that you “should” because he’s family, maybe it’s time to banish him from your realm with love.

Now, that idea might feel triggering to you. Everyone’s own perspective on this is different. It’s really important that you choose according to your life values whether to give energy to that person or not. You might feel that while you’re happy to draw a line putting someone in your realm, you’re not ready to get rid of them completely – and that’s OK. But make sure you’re really making that choice from an empowered place.

If it feels hard to set a boundary

There’s a quote from Brené Brown which I love. She says

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated, and that’s why we sometimes attack who they are, which is actually far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”

I see this a lot. When we find it hard to set boundaries with our spouses, with our children, with our parents, and then when those boundaries are overstepped, we feel used and mistreated. We start to get resentful, and then we start to come out with the things we really don’t want to find ourselves saying. We say “You are such a pain. You’re so needy. You’re always doing this.” Or whatever it is for you…

As soon as we start saying “always” or “never,” we start attacking. We attack rather than actually reflecting that perhaps we’re teaching them how to treat us, by not having a boundary in place.

Get the boundary in place, and then communicate that boundary. It will get respected unless they’re someone who shouldn’t be in the realm – in which case, different rules apply.

How to set boundaries

Setting boundaries is a big topic. If you could do with some help figuring out how to have those conversations, don’t fret! We’ve got you covered with our helpful practical guide: Enough is Enough: How to gracefully set unshakeable boundaries. Click here to grab your copy now.

How about you? Have you been able to navigate challenging family situations with aplomb? Or do you find it hard to remain poised and present when in the company of the people you grew up with? Share your story in the comments – we love to hear from you!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The short temper solution

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It’s different for all of us – that place we slip into when we’re not at our best. Is it the tone in your voice that has your partner shrinking from you when you snap at them after a tough day at work? Or the hopeless, helpless feeling you get when you say “sure” to that one ‘quick thing’ your demanding boss needs you to sort out at 4pm on a Friday afternoon? The truth is, the short temper solution is the same as the “self-pity” or “burning resentment” solution.

Today I’m sharing a powerful tool that can help you manage these kinds of frustrating behaviours, without blocking your (totally valid!) feelings.

Let’s start by getting clear on exactly what we mean when we talk about these kinds of situations. I don’t mean times when you’re just feeling a bit sensitive or you’re in “getting things done” mode. Just because you’re not being over-the top nice and friendly doesn’t mean there’s an underlying issue you need to deal with. As leaders of any kind, there are times when we need to give clear instructions, or convey information, without the added fluff.

What I invite you to consider today are the times when you’re slipping into a version of yourself who’s less in control of how she’s behaving.

The 3 disempowering archetypes

We talk a lot about the 5 Women’s PowerTypes – the 5 powerful female archetypes we use to guide the new version of leadership we’re creating.

But today I want you to think about the dis-empowering archetypes you can find yourself in. The 3 really common ones we find are the Bitch, the Victim and the Martyr. Have a read of these scenarios and see if you recognise yourself in any of them:

The Bitch is that short-tempered you who loses her sense of kindness and compassion, and even lashes out at those around her. Wendy, our Marketing and Events manager, spots this one at times when she’s feeling overloaded and snaps at her husband.

“I literally see him shrink in front of me” she says. “That’s when I know I’ve crossed over into the woman I know I don’t want to be. And it’s not really me either! It’s a sign there’s something else going on.”

Victim comes out when we find ourselves feeling totally helpless. Maybe someone at work says you haven’t completed something when you know you have.

For me it was when my husband made an innocuous comment about how “we weren’t good at implementing things”. Instead of calmly addressing it – “I sent that to you on Tuesday, actually” or “That’s interesting – how do you think we could improve?” – we go into “poor me” mode. It might be shrinking and going silent, or flaring into defensiveness.

For many women, Martyr’s the disempowering role we might actually have been praised for. Staying late at the office, helping out family members on weekends, never taking a moment for ourselves…

If you tend to give too much and find yourself in over-sacrificing mode, it’s likely martyr’s the tendency to watch out for.

So when you know what the pattern you tend to fall into is (you may well rotate through all three, depending on the circumstances!) how do you find a different way of being?

Allow me to introduce one of the most powerful tools we have to combat these disempowering archetypes: Trigger Tracking.

What is Trigger Tracking?

Trigger tracking is a way of moving into a place of awareness and observation – so that you can start to uncover what’s at the root of the behaviour you want to change.

A lot of the time we find ourselves getting frustrated when we’re unable to change our behaviour. That’s because we’re focusing on the symptom of what’s going on, rather than the root cause.

Often, the flash of temper or sink into despondency is actually a defense mechanism we’ve evolved over time – maybe even since childhood – to protect us from a “risk”.

For example, you might be getting angry because underneath, you’re afraid of being rejected.

Trigger tracking helps you identify what your unique patterns are, so that you can start to change them.

How to get started with trigger tracking

The easiest way to start with Trigger Tracking is to set aside a period of time – in our BePowerful program, we use it over the course of one week.

Take a piece of paper and divide it into 6 columns. Now, what you’ll do is notice each time you find yourself slipping into one of these disempowering modes, and note down the following things:

  • What happened?

For example: I felt totally inadequate and paralysed with a big work project – and ended up missing the deadline I’d promised my team.

  • What was your bad behaviour?

I spent an hour complaining to my partner about how unreasonable my boss’s expectations of me were, instead of taking action on the project or letting them know I couldn’t do it.

  • What archetype did you go into?

Victim

  • What was the trigger for that archetype?

Feeling that I wasn’t good enough. A sense that everyone was relying on me, and I had no one to support me.

  • How did you feel?

Frustrated, helpless and small.

  • What was the impact on others?

My team had to work harder because I missed the deadline. My boss was frustrated that I hadn’t spoken up sooner. My partner told me how worried they were about the demands being placed on me. It’s upsetting to them to hear me feeling so down.

As you begin to complete the sheet with each example as it happens, you’ll start to notice certain repeated patterns coming up. Don’t worry if you feel this is happening a lot – the more data you have on what triggers you, the better! At the end of the week, take a look at what you’ve learned.

What to do when you’ve tracked your triggers

When you’ve gathered your examples over the time you’re trigger tracking for, you’ll hopefully start to see some patterns emerging. For example, it might be that on the days when you’re really feeling “not good enough” as a mum that you find yourself taking on more and more tasks at work, and ending up in full on Martyr.

Or perhaps you try to pack too much into your day and that’s when you end up snapping into Bitch with your energetic toddler – even though you know it’s not their fault.

Whether you tend to get angry and snap, fall into victim mode or take on way too much when you move into martyr, the solution lies in becoming aware of your behaviour so that you can take steps to address the issue that’s actually causing you to snap.

That might be working with a one-to-one coach, using a meditation process to release emotions (there’s a Soft PowerCast on this for our BeOne Community members), journalling or talking to a therapist or professional.

Want more tools like this?

Trigger tracking is just one of the powerful tools we explore in BePowerful, our 12 week transformational coaching program. If you’re curious, the first step is to find out your PowerTypes profile. Click here to get your personalized report.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to replenish yourself in 2 minutes

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’re doing something that requires a lot of your energy – managing a job with big responsibilities, wrangling toddlers, travelling, pouring your heart into fulfilling work – it’s really important to take the time to fill yourself up. And yes, getting a good night’s sleep, taking the weekend to recharge or booking yourself in for an hour-long treatment are all great ways to do that.

But what if you simply don’t have time to give yourself a full rest session. Are there any ways to replenish yourself quickly and effectively – in 2 minutes?

That very question popped up in our Facebook community. It was posed by a mum looking to give herself a quick break from taking care of her energetic children over the holidays – but the responses were too good not to share.

So, in no particular order, here are ten of the best quick ways we know to recharge yourself.

10 ways to recharge in 2 minutes

1. Ground yourself

“Lie down on the grass (weather permitting!) or your floor, and breathe consciously in and out.”

2. Untwizzle

“With your feet on the floor, cross your ankles. Cross your wrists the opposite way (eg. left over right, then right over left – it doesn’t matter which order, as long as they’re different) and place them on your hips. Put your tongue behind your top teeth, and breathe through your nose.”

3. The scent of change

“I have trained my brain to link the smell of lavender to feeling peaceful. One sniff now and I am good.”

4. Tree gazing

“Standing outside looking at a tree, taking some slow, deep breaths, feeling the ground beneath you and the sky above, really noticing everything about the tree – the shape, the colours, the way it moves in the breeze. If you can’t get outside, even looking at a picture of a tree can be beneficial!”

5. Tappity tap

“You can make quite an impact by using EFT (a.k.a.Tapping) for just 2-3 minutes. It helps calm the limbic system (which is responsible for emotions) bringing about a sense of peace and calm. There are plenty of videos on YouTube you can look at if you’re not familiar with the basics. Only takes a couple of minutes to pick up and you can do it even while you’re with your kids (and teach it to them too!)”

6. Play!

“A technique a play therapist taught me was to look in the mirror and jump up and down for 2 minutes shouting yes yes yes or anything else positive and special to you.”

7. Show some love

“One for boosting your lover energy is moisturising or applying sun cream mindfully – just enjoying smoothing your skin and appreciate your body sending yourself love whilst you do it.”

8. Smell the flowers

“Go into the garden and sniff a flower close up,a big lung full but mind the bees!”

9. Get present

“Stand still and look up to the sky, look at your feet and look left and right. Ground yourself in the present. Whilst doing this breath in for 4 and out for 5. ”

10. Dance it out

“I love to put on music and dance”

We absolutely love these suggestions – what would you add? What are your go-to’s when the world gets too much and you only have a few minutes to collect yourself?

Is it time you had more than 2 minutes to spare?

While mini-rituals like this can be really helpful as stop-gaps, if you’re finding that you never manage to take a proper rest it could be that it’s time to rethink the way you’re approaching everything on your plate.

From Frantic to Fruitful: Time and Energy Secrets of Busy Women is our free training that can help you do just that. In it, I show you how to find an additional 5 hours a week (minimum!) so you can do what you feel called to, kick off that business, start that exercise program… or simply replenish yourself the way you need to.

Click here to sign up for this free training.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When boundaries don’t work

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Boundaries are one of our most essential tools when it comes to staying sane and managing our multiple responsibilities. Whether it’s clarity around work responsibilities, structure around your time or knowing just what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to communication, forget diamonds – boundaries are your very best friend. So when boundaries don’t work, things can really get challenging.

Today I want to share a quick guide to handling boundaries when people in your life ignore them, clash with them or don’t seem to understand them. But first, let’s get clear.

What are boundaries?

I think Brené Brown has the simplest definition I’ve seen:

“Boundaries are simply: what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

It’s a great way to look at boundaries. They’re your way of defining what you need to be at your best. 

You can create boundaries around all sorts of things – your needs, your time, your relationships. But what happens when someone crosses them, or you need to change them?

When boundaries don’t work

There are a few different reasons why boundaries might not work. Sometimes we’re all too aware of the problem; other times, we’re called to pay closer attention to subtle signs. Do any of these feel relevant to you, right now?

When people ignore a boundary

Sometimes it’s really obvious that a boundary just isn’t being respected.

You’ve made it clear that you need to know when your friend’s going to pop round, and yet she keeps rocking up unexpectedly.

You’ve made the boundary clear, and the other person isn’t honouring that. Time for an important conversation – below, I’ll give you a process for exactly how to do it.

When you need to make a new boundary

This one can be a lot more subtle to spot. How do you know when a new boundary is needed?

One of the big giveaways that it’s time to take a closer look at the boundaries in your life is anger.

Perhaps a colleague keeps handing over tasks that you really don’t enjoy doing, or your partner’s expecting you to pick up the slack when they get lost in a new project.

If you’re finding yourself losing your temper, or noticing feelings of resentment or frustration bubbling up, it’s probably time to look at your boundaries again.

When your boundary clashes with someone else’s

One of the trickiest situations we have to deal with is one where our boundaries clash with someone else’s. So you come across a colleague who’s been working on their assertiveness, but it seems as though you’re expected to deal with the fallout of the tasks they’ll no longer tolerate.

Or maybe your Mum has a strict boundary around Christmas being just for family. Your friend’s going through a really rough patch, and you know you don’t want her to spend the day alone.

Could be your boss, your kids, or your parents – realizing that your boundary contradicts or infringes on theirs is always complicated.

So how do we deal with situations when our boundaries just don’t seem to work?

Is it selfish to have boundaries?

Now, for a lot of us – especially when we’re fairly new to setting boundaries – it can be tempting to wonder if the energy it takes to maintain them really worth it.

It could be a big one: You’ve told your partner that you can’t be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much they’re not in control any more.

Or something minor, but still important: You can’t drop everything, yet again, because your sister’s too disorganised to finish work on time.

From awkward conversations to tough decisions like leaving a job or relationship, upholding a boundary can feel like more trouble than it’s worth. After all, you’re a nice person – you hate letting people down – and the last thing you want to do is introduce conflict.

Are boundaries selfish?

Let’s return to Brené Brown, whose groundbreaking work on vulnerability has changed the way many of us relate to boundaries. She says

“One of the most shocking findings of my work was the idea that the most compassionate people I have interviewed over the last 13 years were also the absolutely most boundaried…

What I think that [a lot of us] do is that we don’t set boundaries.

We let people do things that are not okay or get away with behaviours that are not okay and then we are just resentful and hateful.

Me? I’d rather be loving and generous and very straightforward with what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

So, far from being selfish, setting clear boundaries is an act of great compassion. It means the people in our lives know where they stand. And it allows us to cultivate healthy, balanced relationships rather than simmering with suppressed rage at what we’re having to put up with.

And if it feels hard, remind yourself of this: you only need 10 seconds of courage to set the principles that will save you huge amounts of resentment, conflict and energy in the long term. I’ve learned it’s far better to cope with that little bit of awkwardness than the huge heap of resentment that builds up when you agree to things you don’t want to do.

Big decisions around boundaries can be hard. But the truth is, you only have one life. Is it worth spending it locked in a job, relationship or situation that’s causing you huge stress and resentment, simply to make things easier for the other person?

How to handle a boundary that’s not working

Here’s a 3 step process you can use when a boundary isn’t working.

But first, something really important to note: Don’t wait to be at a time when your boundaries are being crossed to have this conversation.

Instead, give some thought to what’s going on. What’s the boundary you want to create, re-instate, or uphold? Find a time to talk about this outside of the situation.

So if your team member’s perpetually late, don’t wait til they’re sidling guiltily into their seat (and you’re boiling with rage). Choose a time when you can be proactive about the situation before it flares up.

1. Acknowledge the past

If this boundary is one that you’ve let slide before – or perhaps not even been aware of – it’s really important to make it clear that this is changing.

So, start by acknowledging how things have been.

“I know I’ve been working later than I’m supposed to these past few months”

Or

“In the past I’ve stepped in to do the school pickup when you’re running late”

Stay factual, rather than using emotive language. This conversation is one that requires you to be in a calm, clear place, and you want the other person to feel receptive and ready to listen – not to be instantly on the defensive.

2. Set your boundary

This is your chance to get really clear – remembering that defining this is ultimately the most compassionate thing you can do.

Most importantly?

Don’t fall into justifying, explaining or rationalizing your decision.

This isn’t a debate or a discussion – it’s you simply stating what’s true for you.

“I’m not going to be able to do that any more.”

“I’m no longer willing to take that responsibility”

3. Collaborate together

If you’re finding your boundary clashes with someone else’s – and that person is someone who’s important to you – then this will be a vital part of finding your new way forward.

How can you find a way that meets the other person’s needs and still respects your boundary?

What do you both need to be in place to feel good about the situation?

This is why it’s so important that this conversation takes place when you’re not feeling triggered or fired up. When you’re calm and collected, you’ll be in a much more resourceful place when it comes to finding a solution that works for everyone.

Are boundaries a challenge?

If boundaries are something you find tricky to navigate, take a look at our free guide, when we explore this and other boundary conversations and principles in a lot more depth.

It’s called Enough is Enough: How to Gracefully Set Unshakeable Boundaries… and it does what it says on the tin!

Click here to download your copy.

How about you?

Are you the Queen of unshakeable boundaries? Have you got a particularly sticky boundaries conundrum going on right now, that you’d love to get someone else’s take on? Share in the comments below – someone else might have just the words of wisdom you need.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Too much to do, too little time?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Too much to do, too little time? Welcome to the somewhat knackered club! Research this year from the Mental Health Foundation Thinktank in the UK showed that 81% of women felt overwhelmed or unable to cope in the past year (and we’re not being swamped with spa days or lie-ins). Having too much to do and too little time is a challenge we face time and again within our community and even our own team.

So today I want to share not only a few ways that we’ve found of coping with the times that you’re overwhelmed, but the missing piece when it comes to really getting to the bottom of what’s going on. So you can get off the “hamster wheel” for good.

Why do you have too much to do?

Let’s start by thinking about the first part of the problem: all those things that you have on your to-do list.

No doubt you’ve got some combination of the following swallowing up your time faster than you can glug that coffee going cold on your desk right now.

  1. Things which might come under the heading of life admin (renewing the car insurance, booking those flights, taking the dog to the vet…)
  2. Work responsibilities: the full spectrum of tasks from emails and fiddly tasks to people managing, troubleshooting, big picture strategising and planning.
  3. Friends and family: helping your parents, your kids, your siblings and your friends with the challenges they’re facing
  4. Your relationship (if you’re in one!): spending time with your partner, nurturing a fulfilling physical relationship, and making space for connection
  5. And (although this one might feel like wishful thinking…) your own spiritual and emotional well-being. Going to concerts or exhibitions, being creative, travelling, exploring, getting still, connecting to your spiritual side

Now, I’m sure there’s absolutely no need to convince you just how much there is on your plate. You know all of this already.

But if you’re experiencing the feeling that there’s too much to do and not enough time the first half of that equation is one that is worth paying attention to.

How can you give yourself less to do?

In a nutshell there are 3 ways you can get through your list: Ditch it, delegate it, or do it yourself in the most effective way.

Saying “no” and strengthening your boundaries around what’s yours is a skill that takes practice, but it’s the only way to start reducing the load that’s piled on. Ever heard the saying “if you want something done, ask a busy person”? Once you’re known as someone who always dives in and makes things happen, it’s more and more common to be asked to do more.

Say no, say it’s not a priority, say you’d love to help but it’s simply not possible right now.

However you do it, getting used to gently but firmly upholding your boundaries is such an important part of staying on top of the endless tide of requests.

Sure there’s nothing on your plate you can let go of? Then let’s look at the next part of the challenge: not having enough time.

Why don’t you have enough time to do it?

We all have the same number of hours a day. Those rockstar women who change the world, raise 10 kids, make millions of pounds a year and travel to amazing places (which they then plaster all over Facebook…) have exactly the same amount of time as you do.

Unlike our to-do lists, time is equal. And it’s also finite. We can’t create more of it and we definitely can’t get it back once it’s gone.

What we can do is learn to use it in a way that gives us more space and allows the possibility of flowing with the hours we have at our disposal instead of against them.

I want to take a second to address the issue of equality here, because although we have the same number of hours in a day, depending on the hand that life has dealt us we all have very different things to do with them.

You might be able to afford to invest in more or less help with the things that are on your plate, for example.

Some of us have responsibilities, such as being a carer, or a parent, which others don’t. We all have different abilities, different opportunities and different commitments. And I don’t want to diminish that or suggest that each of us has exactly the same amount of control over the time that we have in our days.

What I do want to do is to draw your attention to the power you do have because – because no matter the circumstances, at some level you always have a choice in how you spend those hours and minutes.

And just as you have a say over things on your list you have a say in how you spend the time you have available to you. But here’s the thing – not every hour of the day is the same when it comes to getting things done. Approach the same task at 8 in the morning, or 4 in the afternoon, and you’ll see very different results.

Which leads me to the part that most of us were never taught to take into account when planning our days.

The missing piece of the puzzle: Energy

When you have too much to do and too little time it’s easy to get caught up in that simple dichotomy: hours in the day versus items on your to-do list.

And there are absolutely times when those two things are what you need to focus on.

When you’re overwhelmed, when you’re in the thick of things, when you’re fighting what feel like urgent fires – by all means use the tools you have available to get the most important things done in the time you have available to you.

What makes our approach is slightly different to others you might have seen is that in our training and philosophy we bring in a third focus – and that’s your energy.

When you start paying attention to the different amounts and kinds of energy you have and on how that can fluctuate, it’s like unlocking a whole new area of awareness.

That’s when you can start to experience having more time than you thought. Or creating times when you can achieve more than ever seemed possible. When even though you’ve made huge strides towards your goals, you can end your day not only at a reasonable hour but with a reasonable amount of energy left to do the things that you want to do.

Maybe even the things that no one else will know if you do – like taking really good care of yourself before you go to bed; processing some of your emotions in your journal; or just taking a few moments to be grateful for everything has come your way over the course of that day.

Need a hand?

We have lots of resources to share around this because we know how big an issue overwhelm is for capable intelligent women navigating today’s world.

If the very idea of having more free hours in your week feels like an impossibility, and overwhelm is starting to take over, maybe it’s time to take a deeper look at what’s going on.

Our free training: From Frantic to Fruitful is the best way to get started when it comes to implementing this missing piece of the time management puzzle and creating more time in your week – even if your diary’s full.

Click here to signup for the session.

In it you’ll start to understand the underlying causes of that frantic feeling and explore a very different way of approaching what you’re able to get done in the day.

How about you?

If you have too much to do and too little time I’m curious. Does it feel like you have way too many responsibilities you’re finding it hard to say no to? Or is it that the hours you do have seem to slip by without you getting done what you wanted to? And I’d love to know if energy plays a part in your awareness right now. Take a minute to check in the comments below.

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How to manage women

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Irene Rosenfeld is the CEO of Mondelez International, one of the largest snack companies in the world. With $26 billion in annual sales, they count Oreos and Ritz crackers among their products, so it’s probably safe to say she knows a thing or two about managing people to have an incredible impact.

When asked for her best piece of advice, she shared this:

“I think my very best piece of advice is be yourself.

You know, I grew up in business at a time where there weren’t very many female role models, and so in the early days we wore little bow ties like the guys, and we talked about the Army even though we weren’t in the Army. And the reality was that wasn’t the right way to approach the business world.

Over time, there is more understanding of the value of diversity… [more opportunities] to be able to express ourselves and approach business in a way that makes the most sense for us.”

Interview with Sara Silverstein for Business Insider, 2017

A different style of leadership?

As Irene points out, it’s only relatively recently that women have played an active role in the workforce and been able to show up as ourselves in business.

As more and more of us begin to take leadership roles, and to nurture and support those rising up beneath us, the question of how to manage women is vital for us to consider.

Of course, Not all women are the same. There’s no “one way” to manage women any more than there’s “one way” to manage men.

But the growth of a more diverse and balanced workforce has triggered a healthy evolution of what was once a very uniformly patriarchal, masculine model of doing business.

As more and more women have risen to positions of leadership, we’ve all gained a greater understanding of the unique role women can play in helping businesses reach their goals.

This can help all of us, both women and men, approach business in a more nuanced way than before.

As Irene reflects,

“Our emerging workforce is not interested in command-and-control leadership. They don’t want to do things because I said so; they want to do things because they want to do them.”

Being a manager requires flexibility

Managing people works best when we understand that flexibility and openness to different ideas allows us to tap into the techniques which are most effective at any given time.

After all, all sorts of factors influence the best choices to make when it comes to managing our teams.

  • The current business environment
  • The length of time the individuals have been in post
  • Previous management styles
  • Company culture
  • Current priorities and goals for the business

And if you’re not in the corporate world, you can probably apply these to your own situation, or even your family (Teething toddler + family goal to get a solid night’s sleep? That’s a leadership challenge if ever I heard one!)

Managing women tends to flow best when we add into that context an awareness that most women experience regular cycles (whether or not they’re menstruating). Our mood, motivation and talents fluctuate, and will respond best to leadership that’s able to flex and adapt to that.

I’m not suggesting for one minute that you ask your team personal questions about their cycles, or ascribe poor performance to “hormones” or “women’s troubles.” After all, that would simply be perpetuating the idea that there’s one linear “norm” that anything else diverts from.

But try noticing how your team, whether they be men or women, are feeling at any given time.

Do they feel fired up, energetic, bursting with ideas? It could be a great time to harness that exciting energy to come up with new strategies…

Are they fed up and complaining? Maybe that decisiveness and awareness of what’s not working could allow you to trim unnecessary processes and get clarity on any areas that have felt fuzzy.

Women managing women

As women managing women, we also have our own cycles and flows to pay attention to. We have access to powerful styles of leadership that allow us to draw on our natural strengths and embrace the flow of our energy to maximise how effective and fruitful we can be.

When it comes to enhancing your strength as a leader and giving your team the best chance of getting on board with your plans, knowing your strengths and weaknesses is invaluable. It’s also helpful to know how your energy flows throughout the day, week or month, and which tasks and activities are optimum for you to undertake at each time.

Bringing this level of nuance to your own workflow will bring a fresh momentum that can completely revitalise your ability to reach and surpass your goals.

There’s no one size fits all

So, how to manage women? There’s no simple answer to that question. We’re creating a new paradigm of leadership, that involves paying attention to the people we work with and ourselves, and using that connection to find what works for us.

There’s no need to follow tired ways of doing things, just as there’s no need to reinvent the wheel without good reason. Staying open, following your instincts and never being afraid to shift things up or experiment is what will create the future we all want to see.

Do you want to transform the results you get with your team, your clients or yourself? Register for our complimentary training to explore this topic further and discover how the 5 Women’s PowerTypes ™ can be used in your coaching, consulting and management to bring the best out in the women you work with (and yourself). Click here to access The Secret To Coaching Women.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: Why don’t we (actually) change the world?

By

Sara Price

Sara Price

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author.
Sara Price

Latest posts by Sara Price (see all)

My vision is a world in which everyone who wants to change the world for the better is inspired and empowered to do so.

It’s a big vision. Making this vision a reality is like eating the proverbial elephant – I’ll be doing it one bite at a time and in collaboration with many others – including the amazing Founder of One of Many, Joanna Martin. The current ‘bite’ is to write a book – catchily entitled ‘How to (Actually) Change the World’. That’s a lot to deliver in 55,000 words but I’m going to give it my best shot!

As part of my research, I’ve spoken to hundreds of people all over the world about the kind of changes they want to create, and what gets in the way of them actually doing it. So if you’re on a mission to change the world right now and you’re feeling blocked; or if you are feeling increasingly called to make a difference, to make an impact on this beautiful planet of ours, but you’re not sure how to go about it – please read on, because you are not alone.

Here’s what I’ve found so far…

So…Who Wants to Change the World?

An awful lot of us want to change the world. . If you’re an active member of the BeOne Global Community on Facebook, you may have seen and perhaps completed my survey for actual and aspiring changemakers. Of the people who have filled in the survey thus far, EVERYONE wants to change the world in some way.

When asked if there was something they would like to change to make the world a better place, 47% said that there were so many things they didn’t know where to start! Another 24% had one big issue that they were truly passionate about. Everyone else felt passionate about 2 or 3 main subjects and couldn’t pick one.

How Do We Want to Change the World?

We want to change the world for other women. My survey may be slightly skewed because of where it was posted and the kinds of women who’ve completed it, but of all the issues that we are passionate about, the top three categories are:

  • Women’s issues
  • Environment
  • Education & training

In other words, the issues which matter most to us are: other women; the planet and the next generation.

Some of us are dedicating our working lives to these issues. About 12% of respondents have already set up / run or work for a social enterprise dealing with the specific issue that they are most passionate about. Another 12% are operating in the charitable sphere on their number one issue.

Many respondents wrote in comments that tackling their number one issue was the mission of their business. That’s a lot of women dedicating their working lives to making the world a better place!

Many of those who work in other fields are taking action in their personal time. Nearly 95% of us are talking to friends and family – trying to persuade them of the importance of our cause. 85% have taken to social media to make our point and demonstrate our passion. Over 80% have signed online petitions.

Are We Making Progress?

Most of us feel that we’re not making enough progress. Amongst the social entrepreneurs, charity leaders and those whose professional mission is to change the world, only 30% were satisfied with the progress they are making.

Most of us want to do more: Of those who are taking action in their personal time, a whopping 97% want to do more but are hampered by a perceived lack of time and a feeling of not knowing where to start. The same feeling that stops about 20% of us from taking any action at all.

And that is where I hope that my book will help.

It’s Not Complicated…

I understand that changing the world can seem overwhelming but here is what I believe: changing the world may be hard work but it is not actually that complicated.

I can already feel the waves of disagreement and disbelief heading my way but, I’m sticking to my guns here because I genuinely believe that in principle changing the world is not complicated. It requires only one thing: you have to make people care.

You have to make companies care enough to change their policies; or make politicians care enough to change legislation; or make individuals care enough to change their behaviour and / or their minds. You have to know who holds the power to make the change, and you have to make them care enough to do it.

In Fact, It’s Really Quite Simple…

To make people care, you need to harness the power of great communications. It’s about communicating your message to the right people at the right time in a way that feels compelling to them. That’s it.

Now, there are a lot of experts out there with a vested interest in making you think that this is difficult. The more jargon they use, the more complex they make it seem – the more valuable their expertise appears and the more you are made to feel disempowered and dependent on their expertise.

This is where I hope my book will help. I plan to show you exactly how simple great communications can be. I will walk you through how to develop a comprehensive campaign plan for your vision that makes people care enough to create change.

So at the end of the process, you’ll be equipped to make a difference. You can make people care.

You can ACTUALLY change the world.

So…How Do You Want to Change the World?

This is a community full of changemakers and women with huge visions for how to change the world for the better.

So tell me, what ONE thing would you change about the world if you could wave a magic wand? What causes are you passionate about, and what change are you already creating through your life and work?

Share in the comments below, and let’s support each other to create the change we want to see.

And, if you have a moment, I’d be grateful if you would take part in my survey. Tell me how you want to change the world and how I can help you.

And as a great big thank you for doing so, I’m offering one participant the chance to win a 2-hour PR and communications brainstorm with a leading London PR agency, Pagefield (the one I co-founded!). Just click the link below to take the survey and be in with a chance of winning:

https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/HowToActuallyChangetheWorld

About Sara Price

The Knitting, Baby-whispering Karaoke queen!

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author!

Sara began her career in Parliament developing an in-depth understanding of the corridors of power. She then moved on to work as a political advisor to UNICEF where she witnessed the power of individuals and organisations to effect change on a global scale. She sat on the UK Board of one of the world’s largest PR agencies, H&K Strategies, and in 2010 she co-founded Pagefield.

Over the course of her career, she has developed communications programmes for some of the biggest brands in the world from Kelloggs to EDF Energy; advised organisations as diverse as Allied Bakeries and Variety, the Children’s Charity; and co-created multi-national campaigns for Global Peace Ambassador Prem Rawat.

Sara’s newest venture – How to Actually Change the World – is in development right now. If you’d like to help to shape the whole programme and be on the list to hear more, please sign up by emailing sara@renaissance-life.co

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What marriage is really like

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Want to know what marriage is really like? Let me paint you a picture.

We’re in the kitchen, when Greg opens the fridge and does a double take.

“Why is there so much food in the fridge? Do we have people coming round, or something?”

He knows the answer already. I’ve mentioned it at least twice, once when we were talking business last weekend and again as we played with the kids at the park.

“Yup. Annie and Susie are coming to stay at the weekend”

His response, let’s say, is not what I expect.

“Well. That’s the first I’ve heard of it.”

Ever experienced something similar with your other half? A time when it felt like they’d totally ignored something you’d clearly told them at least once?

Did you fly off the handle, accuse them of ignoring you, or seethe inwardly at the fact that for the hundredth time the thing you’ve told them has taken second place to sports fixtures, historical trivia, or whatever else they deem to matter more than your words?

Marriage, or indeed any loving partnership, is a wonderful and deeply beautiful thing. But beyond the wedding photos, special dinners and mushy moments (I’m not knocking them for a second) are the thousands, millions perhaps, of interactions just like the one Greg and I had in our kitchen that day.

Opportunities to connect – or withdraw.

To confront – or surrender.

How about you? When was the last time you had a communication breakdown with your partner? Think back to it now, because today I want to share a really helpful reframe that helped give me a different perspective on these kinds of interactions, and what they mean to me.

The difference in how we think

I am a big fan of anything that brings us a greater understanding of what makes us tick, and more capacity to empathise with other people’s behaviour.

That’s why I’ve found it so helpful to learn about the science of how our brains can work in vastly different ways.

So, let’s dig into what’s really going on in the interaction I described.

Ignoring… or interruption?

So in the example above, the scenario was pretty clear from my perspective. I’d told Greg numerous times about the plans for the weekend, and he’d chosen to ignore me, right?

Previously, I would certainly have taken it personally. After all, I know that when it comes to certain other facts – historical dates, the price of gold, all kinds of random (and from my perspective pretty irrelevant) trivia – are lodged in his brain indelibly. And yet when it comes to important information about guests in our house, apparently it just wasn’t important enough to hold on to.

What changed that tendency to take things personally was when I learned about the modal tendency some people – including Greg – have wired right into their brains.

No idea what I’m talking about? Read on.

The ‘modal’ model

What I learned after looking at some really fascinating research is that some people’s brains, especially when they’re in instinctive or ‘animal’ states tend to be much more “modal” than others.

That is to say, they tend to be focused on one task or problem, with anything not directly related to solving that problem being filtered out as having less significance.

In other words, when I mentioned our upcoming guests in the context of a business meeting, Greg was focused on the specific challenge we were discussing in that moment. He wasn’t ignoring me – he simply wasn’t registering its relevance outside of that context.

The same thing happened when we were having family time with the kids. Playground time meant playground time for Greg – not time to plan ahead, think about guests, or wonder what the fridge would look like when he opened it on Friday morning.

The strengths of modal thinking

Now, when I discovered my husband hadn’t heard a word I’d said I could have easily jumped straight into anger. But the more I learn about the way other people’s brains work, the more I appreciate the strengths that way of thinking can bring.

Narrow, deep focus allows problems to be solved all the way through to completion. The focus is on finding the solution to that one priority – which makes for incredibly efficient, focused resolution to even complex problems.

It’s a fantastic way to combat stress, because wider worries and awareness of things which aren’t directly relevant is swiftly filtered out by the modal brain. Greg definitely hadn’t been worrying about how we’d be taking care of our guests when they arrived, after all.

When we start to recognize that the ability to think modally is a distinctive thing, we can not only have compassion. We can start to admire it. That way of thinking is a real gift – it allows them to be completely present, immersed and ‘in flow’ in what they’re doing.

What’s more, it gives us clues as to how to make future interactions more positive.

How to interact with a modal thinker

Male or female, partner or boss, when you’re interacting with someone whose brain works in this modal way there are 3 key things to bear in mind.

1. Firstly, be aware of this tendency.

If your partner is a one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, it might be worth doing what Greg and I do and allocating specific slots in the week to talk about things you need to. We have 3 meetings: one for business, one for life admin, and one for finances. If you’re not running a business you probably need less, but the principle is the same: by allocating a time to talk about the topics you need to cover, you’ll avoid the spontaneous interruptions that modal thinkers find so challenging.

2. If you need to interrupt, do so thoughtfully.

Just as with my toddler, if it’s appropriate then touch can be a great way to signal that a change in topic is needed. Ask permission: is it OK if I interrupt you for a minute? And wait until you get a clear “yes” before launching into what you’re saying. A non-committal “uh-huh” or silence probably indicates you don’t yet have their full attention.

3. Ask them what they need

You might suspect your partner is a modal thinker, but nothing beats having a conversation to find out their perspective. I don’t mean launching into a “I’ve diagnosed you with this problem I read about on the internet” next time you have a disagreement, tempting as that might sound. But you could try asking your partner “How does it feel when you’re interrupted from something you’re doing?” or suggesting you agree a way to deal with logistics when it comes to your home.

What marriage is really like

So, to return to my original question – what’s marriage really like? For us at least, it’s a journey of learning.

Of noticing what causes emotions to run high, and getting curious about why that might be.

It might be to do with brain chemistry, personal triggers, or something that’s totally unique to you. Either way, it’s worth exploring what you can learn about each other and instead of taking the patterns personally, asking what they can teach you to appreciate in your partner. Choosing to understand, admire and celebrate our differences only deepens our connection with each other.

How about you? Have you found a niggle or source of friction that you were able to investigate and turn into a strength? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you’d like to get more tools and strategies to strengthen your relationship and bring more love into your world, join us for our BeLove Retreat. Click here to book in a no-obligation chat with one of our team and find out the full details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

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How to handle Imposter Syndrome

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I was in the boarding lounge at Heathrow Airport, in tears.

(Not one of my proudest moments, I have to say)

I was crying because I was about to do something amazing. It was my first trip to work with Ali Brown, someone who I had followed and looked up to for years and years and years in my industry, and I was getting on a plane to head over to her very first Repower event in Phoenix, Arizona.

So I did what I always do in times like this – I called my sister.

“Sis, I’m freaking out. I feel like a total fraud. I’m heading over to this event and it is going to be full of highly successful women. You have to be doing seven figures even to be in the room.

I don’t even know how I’m going to cope. I’m going to feel like I just don’t fit in. I’m not supposed to be here. I feel like such a fraud.

I’ve just got this baby business that’s a total fluke, and I’m doing this ditzy personal development thing, and what the hell?”

Even thinking about it now I can still feel that feeling. Maybe you can relate? Have you ever found yourself feeling as though, however far you’ve come in life or whatever you’ve achieved, one day you’re going to be “found out” for not having a clue what you’re doing and being a complete fraud?

Welcome to imposter syndrome

For high achieving and successful women, impostor syndrome is incredibly common. And we’re in good company! I was amazed to read what Jodie Foster told one interviewer about her experience of winning an Academy Award for best actor. Now that’s an accolade you’d think would feel like pretty concrete proof you’d arrived, right? Wrong.

“I thought it was a fluke,” she said. “I thought everyone would find out and they’d take the Oscar back. That they’d come to my house knocking on the door, ‘Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else. That was going to Meryl Streep.'”

Or how about Maya Angelou, a writer who I’ve looked up to my entire life as an incredible fount of wisdom and knowledge and extraordinary insight. She’s been quoted as saying,

“I’ve written 11 books but each time I think, uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.”

So if you ever achieve great success and try and write it off as luck or being at the right place at the right time or undeserved, then you’re in really great company.

What is imposter syndrome?

What we’re talking about is that feeling of being a fraud, or being a fake, when actually you’re not. Like sooner or later the whole world is going to find you out. Now that might make sense if you really were ripping people off, or pretending in some way. If you’re an undercover cop, you probably would feel fake from time to time.

But if you are a successful small business owner doing six or seven figures and people love your work… or if you keep getting promoted and praised in your role in an organization, then it’s probably not appropriate to feel like an imposter.

The bottom line is, if you’re really good at whatever you’re doing, then it’s okay for people to believe in you. It doesn’t matter what the thing is – if you’re good at it, it doesn’t make sense to feel like an imposter. So why do we?

The phenomenon was first described by psychologists Suzanne Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s. And they described it as occurring among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept their success.

These high achievers will often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others are eventually going to unmask them as a fraud.

Imposter syndrome holds us back

This feeling that we’re going to be found out stops us stepping into our greatness.

I’ve spoken to successful corporate employees, women who are doing very, very well in high positions inside of their organization who don’t put themselves forward for promotion because they feel like they’re actually not even supposed to be where they already are.

Someone told me she was writing her LinkedIn profile the other day, and she didn’t want to put X, Y and Z into it because she didn’t want to come across like some egomaniac.

We don’t position ourselves powerfully to be able to be of service to the people that we can make a real difference with… because we don’t want to sound like egomaniacs?

That’s imposter syndrome. It stops us from really owning, promoting and putting ourselves forward. Not in a way which says, “Look at how great I am.” But in a way that says, “Look these are my achievements. This is what I have done. And I can help you.”

How to handle imposter syndrome

  1. Reach out

Having someone you can talk to when Imposter Syndrome strikes is something that I highly recommend. I’ve got my sister, who I can always count on. Back in that airport lounge at Heathrow, when I called her in tears before my trip to meet Ali Brown, she gave it to me straight:

“You own your success, woman. You go over there and you’re not just networking for you, you’re networking for our whole business and for all of those women in the developing world that we help out. You get out there, you own your success and you go for it.”

I rely on loads of other people too – my husband, my team, my fellow coaches. These days I’m consciously leaning into collaboration and working with others, because if I’m feeling not good enough then they will remind me.

Who could you turn to when you need an outside perspective on how you’re doing?

  1.  Read over your bio

If you’re an entrepreneur you might have a bio you share; if you’re employed, it might be a CV. Either way, looking at how you present the facts of what you’ve achieved to others is a great way to remind yourself of just how great you really are. (If you’re a mum, there’s always asking your kids – it might not be the specific insight you’re looking for, but they definitely think you’re pretty awesome!).

  1. Keep an “I rock” file

My friend Kim taught me this – she keeps a file of all of the clippings and little thank you cards and everything that anyone’s ever given her that has her feel really great. You could keep a special folder in your emails for the notes that really make your day, or pin thank you cards above your desk so you can see them whenever self-doubt kicks in.

  1. Go deeper

At a deeper level you do have to accept that you have had some role in your success. You may well have had an opportunity that others weren’t given but you need to accept that you were instrumental in being ready for that opportunity.

It’s not fair, if you had an advantage over others, sure. Life isn’t fair. But you had to do something to get where you are, and you need to own that. So spend some time accepting that success that you’ve had.

  1. It’s not about you

The final thing that really helps me is shifting from “me” focus to “other” focus. When my sister asks me to refocus on the women in the developing world that we’ve supported through the Hunger Project, it’s much easier for me to recognise, “Yeah, I did help those women to create something they would not have otherwise been able to create. I do make a difference.”

So focusing on the value that you provide and the difference you make to others really, really helps.

Time to get real

What opportunities are you not stepping into because of the fear of being found out?

It might be in your relationship. It might be as a mother. It might be in your business. It might be in your job. Whatever it is, identify it, and reframe it for yourself.

How are you stopping being of service for others by holding yourself back in this way?

Share in the comments below!

And remember – Kate Winslet feels it every time she goes on set. Jodie Foster feels it when she receives her awards. Maya Angelou feels it every time she writes a new book. You’re in great company. You’re one of many women who feels this impostor syndrome and hey, that’s a great club to be a part of, but it doesn’t stop them – so don’t let it stop you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.