One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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When boundaries don’t work

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Boundaries are one of our most essential tools when it comes to staying sane and managing our multiple responsibilities. Whether it’s clarity around work responsibilities, structure around your time or knowing just what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to communication, forget diamonds – boundaries are your very best friend. So when boundaries don’t work, things can really get challenging.

Today I want to share a quick guide to handling boundaries when people in your life ignore them, clash with them or don’t seem to understand them. But first, let’s get clear.

What are boundaries?

I think Brené Brown has the simplest definition I’ve seen:

“Boundaries are simply: what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

It’s a great way to look at boundaries. They’re your way of defining what you need to be at your best. 

You can create boundaries around all sorts of things – your needs, your time, your relationships. But what happens when someone crosses them, or you need to change them?

When boundaries don’t work

There are a few different reasons why boundaries might not work. Sometimes we’re all too aware of the problem; other times, we’re called to pay closer attention to subtle signs. Do any of these feel relevant to you, right now?

When people ignore a boundary

Sometimes it’s really obvious that a boundary just isn’t being respected.

You’ve made it clear that you need to know when your friend’s going to pop round, and yet she keeps rocking up unexpectedly.

You’ve made the boundary clear, and the other person isn’t honouring that. Time for an important conversation – below, I’ll give you a process for exactly how to do it.

When you need to make a new boundary

This one can be a lot more subtle to spot. How do you know when a new boundary is needed?

One of the big giveaways that it’s time to take a closer look at the boundaries in your life is anger.

Perhaps a colleague keeps handing over tasks that you really don’t enjoy doing, or your partner’s expecting you to pick up the slack when they get lost in a new project.

If you’re finding yourself losing your temper, or noticing feelings of resentment or frustration bubbling up, it’s probably time to look at your boundaries again.

When your boundary clashes with someone else’s

One of the trickiest situations we have to deal with is one where our boundaries clash with someone else’s. So you come across a colleague who’s been working on their assertiveness, but it seems as though you’re expected to deal with the fallout of the tasks they’ll no longer tolerate.

Or maybe your Mum has a strict boundary around Christmas being just for family. Your friend’s going through a really rough patch, and you know you don’t want her to spend the day alone.

Could be your boss, your kids, or your parents – realizing that your boundary contradicts or infringes on theirs is always complicated.

So how do we deal with situations when our boundaries just don’t seem to work?

Is it selfish to have boundaries?

Now, for a lot of us – especially when we’re fairly new to setting boundaries – it can be tempting to wonder if the energy it takes to maintain them really worth it.

It could be a big one: You’ve told your partner that you can’t be in a relationship with someone who drinks so much they’re not in control any more.

Or something minor, but still important: You can’t drop everything, yet again, because your sister’s too disorganised to finish work on time.

From awkward conversations to tough decisions like leaving a job or relationship, upholding a boundary can feel like more trouble than it’s worth. After all, you’re a nice person – you hate letting people down – and the last thing you want to do is introduce conflict.

Are boundaries selfish?

Let’s return to Brené Brown, whose groundbreaking work on vulnerability has changed the way many of us relate to boundaries. She says

“One of the most shocking findings of my work was the idea that the most compassionate people I have interviewed over the last 13 years were also the absolutely most boundaried…

What I think that [a lot of us] do is that we don’t set boundaries.

We let people do things that are not okay or get away with behaviours that are not okay and then we are just resentful and hateful.

Me? I’d rather be loving and generous and very straightforward with what’s okay and what’s not okay.”

So, far from being selfish, setting clear boundaries is an act of great compassion. It means the people in our lives know where they stand. And it allows us to cultivate healthy, balanced relationships rather than simmering with suppressed rage at what we’re having to put up with.

And if it feels hard, remind yourself of this: you only need 10 seconds of courage to set the principles that will save you huge amounts of resentment, conflict and energy in the long term. I’ve learned it’s far better to cope with that little bit of awkwardness than the huge heap of resentment that builds up when you agree to things you don’t want to do.

Big decisions around boundaries can be hard. But the truth is, you only have one life. Is it worth spending it locked in a job, relationship or situation that’s causing you huge stress and resentment, simply to make things easier for the other person?

How to handle a boundary that’s not working

Here’s a 3 step process you can use when a boundary isn’t working.

But first, something really important to note: Don’t wait to be at a time when your boundaries are being crossed to have this conversation.

Instead, give some thought to what’s going on. What’s the boundary you want to create, re-instate, or uphold? Find a time to talk about this outside of the situation.

So if your team member’s perpetually late, don’t wait til they’re sidling guiltily into their seat (and you’re boiling with rage). Choose a time when you can be proactive about the situation before it flares up.

1. Acknowledge the past

If this boundary is one that you’ve let slide before – or perhaps not even been aware of – it’s really important to make it clear that this is changing.

So, start by acknowledging how things have been.

“I know I’ve been working later than I’m supposed to these past few months”

Or

“In the past I’ve stepped in to do the school pickup when you’re running late”

Stay factual, rather than using emotive language. This conversation is one that requires you to be in a calm, clear place, and you want the other person to feel receptive and ready to listen – not to be instantly on the defensive.

3. Set your boundary

This is your chance to get really clear – remembering that defining this is ultimately the most compassionate thing you can do.

Most importantly?

Don’t fall into justifying, explaining or rationalizing your decision.

This isn’t a debate or a discussion – it’s you simply stating what’s true for you.

“I’m not going to be able to do that any more.”

“I’m no longer willing to take that responsibility”

3. Collaborate together

If you’re finding your boundary clashes with someone else’s – and that person is someone who’s important to you – then this will be a vital part of finding your new way forward.

How can you find a way that meets the other person’s needs and still respects your boundary?

What do you both need to be in place to feel good about the situation?

This is why it’s so important that this conversation takes place when you’re not feeling triggered or fired up. When you’re calm and collected, you’ll be in a much more resourceful place when it comes to finding a solution that works for everyone.

Are boundaries a challenge?

If boundaries are something you find tricky to navigate, take a look at our free guide, when we explore this and other boundary conversations and principles in a lot more depth.

It’s called Enough is Enough: How to Gracefully Set Unshakeable Boundaries… and it does what it says on the tin!

Click here to download your copy.

How about you?

Are you the Queen of unshakeable boundaries? Have you got a particularly sticky boundaries conundrum going on right now, that you’d love to get someone else’s take on? Share in the comments below – someone else might have just the words of wisdom you need.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Too much to do, too little time?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Too much to do, too little time? Welcome to the somewhat knackered club! Research this year from the Mental Health Foundation Thinktank in the UK showed that 81% of women felt overwhelmed or unable to cope in the past year (and we’re not being swamped with spa days or lie-ins). Having too much to do and too little time is a challenge we face time and again within our community and even our own team.

So today I want to share not only a few ways that we’ve found of coping with the times that you’re overwhelmed, but the missing piece when it comes to really getting to the bottom of what’s going on. So you can get off the “hamster wheel” for good.

Why do you have too much to do?

Let’s start by thinking about the first part of the problem: all those things that you have on your to-do list.

No doubt you’ve got some combination of the following swallowing up your time faster than you can glug that coffee going cold on your desk right now.

  1. Things which might come under the heading of life admin (renewing the car insurance, booking those flights, taking the dog to the vet…)
  2. Work responsibilities: the full spectrum of tasks from emails and fiddly tasks to people managing, troubleshooting, big picture strategising and planning.
  3. Friends and family: helping your parents, your kids, your siblings and your friends with the challenges they’re facing
  4. Your relationship (if you’re in one!): spending time with your partner, nurturing a fulfilling physical relationship, and making space for connection
  5. And (although this one might feel like wishful thinking…) your own spiritual and emotional well-being. Going to concerts or exhibitions, being creative, travelling, exploring, getting still, connecting to your spiritual side

Now, I’m sure there’s absolutely no need to convince you just how much there is on your plate. You know all of this already.

But if you’re experiencing the feeling that there’s too much to do and not enough time the first half of that equation is one that is worth paying attention to.

How can you give yourself less to do?

In a nutshell there are 3 ways you can get through your list: Ditch it, delegate it, or do it yourself in the most effective way.

Saying “no” and strengthening your boundaries around what’s yours is a skill that takes practice, but it’s the only way to start reducing the load that’s piled on. Ever heard the saying “if you want something done, ask a busy person”? Once you’re known as someone who always dives in and makes things happen, it’s more and more common to be asked to do more.

Say no, say it’s not a priority, say you’d love to help but it’s simply not possible right now.

However you do it, getting used to gently but firmly upholding your boundaries is such an important part of staying on top of the endless tide of requests.

Sure there’s nothing on your plate you can let go of? Then let’s look at the next part of the challenge: not having enough time.

Why don’t you have enough time to do it?

We all have the same number of hours a day. Those rockstar women who change the world, raise 10 kids, make millions of pounds a year and travel to amazing places (which they then plaster all over Facebook…) have exactly the same amount of time as you do.

Unlike our to-do lists, time is equal. And it’s also finite. We can’t create more of it and we definitely can’t get it back once it’s gone.

What we can do is learn to use it in a way that gives us more space and allows the possibility of flowing with the hours we have at our disposal instead of against them.

I want to take a second to address the issue of equality here, because although we have the same number of hours in a day, depending on the hand that life has dealt us we all have very different things to do with them.

You might be able to afford to invest in more or less help with the things that are on your plate, for example.

Some of us have responsibilities, such as being a carer, or a parent, which others don’t. We all have different abilities, different opportunities and different commitments. And I don’t want to diminish that or suggest that each of us has exactly the same amount of control over the time that we have in our days.

What I do want to do is to draw your attention to the power you do have because – because no matter the circumstances, at some level you always have a choice in how you spend those hours and minutes.

And just as you have a say over things on your list you have a say in how you spend the time you have available to you. But here’s the thing – not every hour of the day is the same when it comes to getting things done. Approach the same task at 8 in the morning, or 4 in the afternoon, and you’ll see very different results.

Which leads me to the part that most of us were never taught to take into account when planning our days.

The missing piece of the puzzle: Energy

When you have too much to do and too little time it’s easy to get caught up in that simple dichotomy: hours in the day versus items on your to-do list.

And there are absolutely times when those two things are what you need to focus on.

When you’re overwhelmed, when you’re in the thick of things, when you’re fighting what feel like urgent fires – by all means use the tools you have available to get the most important things done in the time you have available to you.

What makes our approach is slightly different to others you might have seen is that in our training and philosophy we bring in a third focus – and that’s your energy.

When you start paying attention to the different amounts and kinds of energy you have and on how that can fluctuate, it’s like unlocking a whole new area of awareness.

That’s when you can start to experience having more time than you thought. Or creating times when you can achieve more than ever seemed possible. When even though you’ve made huge strides towards your goals, you can end your day not only at a reasonable hour but with a reasonable amount of energy left to do the things that you want to do.

Maybe even the things that no one else will know if you do – like taking really good care of yourself before you go to bed; processing some of your emotions in your journal; or just taking a few moments to be grateful for everything has come your way over the course of that day.

Need a hand?

We have lots of resources to share around this because we know how big an issue overwhelm is for capable intelligent women navigating today’s world.

If the very idea of having more free hours in your week feels like an impossibility, and overwhelm is starting to take over, maybe it’s time to take a deeper look at what’s going on.

Our free training: From Frantic to Fruitful is the best way to get started when it comes to implementing this missing piece of the time management puzzle and creating more time in your week – even if your diary’s full.

Click here to signup for the session.

In it you’ll start to understand the underlying causes of that frantic feeling and explore a very different way of approaching what you’re able to get done in the day.

How about you?

If you have too much to do and too little time I’m curious. Does it feel like you have way too many responsibilities you’re finding it hard to say no to? Or is it that the hours you do have seem to slip by without you getting done what you wanted to? And I’d love to know if energy plays a part in your awareness right now. Take a minute to check in the comments below.

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How to manage women

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Irene Rosenfeld is the CEO of Mondelez International, one of the largest snack companies in the world. With $26 billion in annual sales, they count Oreos and Ritz crackers among their products, so it’s probably safe to say she knows a thing or two about managing people to have an incredible impact.

When asked for her best piece of advice, she shared this:

“I think my very best piece of advice is be yourself.

You know, I grew up in business at a time where there weren’t very many female role models, and so in the early days we wore little bow ties like the guys, and we talked about the Army even though we weren’t in the Army. And the reality was that wasn’t the right way to approach the business world.

Over time, there is more understanding of the value of diversity… [more opportunities] to be able to express ourselves and approach business in a way that makes the most sense for us.”

Interview with Sara Silverstein for Business Insider, 2017

A different style of leadership?

As Irene points out, it’s only relatively recently that women have played an active role in the workforce and been able to show up as ourselves in business.

As more and more of us begin to take leadership roles, and to nurture and support those rising up beneath us, the question of how to manage women is vital for us to consider.

Of course, Not all women are the same. There’s no “one way” to manage women any more than there’s “one way” to manage men.

But the growth of a more diverse and balanced workforce has triggered a healthy evolution of what was once a very uniformly patriarchal, masculine model of doing business.

As more and more women have risen to positions of leadership, we’ve all gained a greater understanding of the unique role women can play in helping businesses reach their goals.

This can help all of us, both women and men, approach business in a more nuanced way than before.

As Irene reflects,

“Our emerging workforce is not interested in command-and-control leadership. They don’t want to do things because I said so; they want to do things because they want to do them.”

Being a manager requires flexibility

Managing people works best when we understand that flexibility and openness to different ideas allows us to tap into the techniques which are most effective at any given time.

After all, all sorts of factors influence the best choices to make when it comes to managing our teams.

  • The current business environment
  • The length of time the individuals have been in post
  • Previous management styles
  • Company culture
  • Current priorities and goals for the business

And if you’re not in the corporate world, you can probably apply these to your own situation, or even your family (Teething toddler + family goal to get a solid night’s sleep? That’s a leadership challenge if ever I heard one!)

Managing women tends to flow best when we add into that context an awareness that most women experience regular cycles (whether or not they’re menstruating). Our mood, motivation and talents fluctuate, and will respond best to leadership that’s able to flex and adapt to that.

I’m not suggesting for one minute that you ask your team personal questions about their cycles, or ascribe poor performance to “hormones” or “women’s troubles.” After all, that would simply be perpetuating the idea that there’s one linear “norm” that anything else diverts from.

But try noticing how your team, whether they be men or women, are feeling at any given time.

Do they feel fired up, energetic, bursting with ideas? It could be a great time to harness that exciting energy to come up with new strategies…

Are they fed up and complaining? Maybe that decisiveness and awareness of what’s not working could allow you to trim unnecessary processes and get clarity on any areas that have felt fuzzy.

Women managing women

As women managing women, we also have our own cycles and flows to pay attention to. We have access to powerful styles of leadership that allow us to draw on our natural strengths and embrace the flow of our energy to maximise how effective and fruitful we can be.

When it comes to enhancing your strength as a leader and giving your team the best chance of getting on board with your plans, knowing your strengths and weaknesses is invaluable. It’s also helpful to know how your energy flows throughout the day, week or month, and which tasks and activities are optimum for you to undertake at each time.

Bringing this level of nuance to your own workflow will bring a fresh momentum that can completely revitalise your ability to reach and surpass your goals.

There’s no one size fits all

So, how to manage women? There’s no simple answer to that question. We’re creating a new paradigm of leadership, that involves paying attention to the people we work with and ourselves, and using that connection to find what works for us.

There’s no need to follow tired ways of doing things, just as there’s no need to reinvent the wheel without good reason. Staying open, following your instincts and never being afraid to shift things up or experiment is what will create the future we all want to see.

Do you want to transform the results you get with your team, your clients or yourself? Register for our complimentary training to explore this topic further and discover how the 5 Women’s PowerTypes ™ can be used in your coaching, consulting and management to bring the best out in the women you work with (and yourself). Click here to access The Secret To Coaching Women.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: Why don’t we (actually) change the world?

By

Sara Price

Sara Price

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author.
Sara Price

Latest posts by Sara Price (see all)

My vision is a world in which everyone who wants to change the world for the better is inspired and empowered to do so.

It’s a big vision. Making this vision a reality is like eating the proverbial elephant – I’ll be doing it one bite at a time and in collaboration with many others – including the amazing Founder of One of Many, Joanna Martin. The current ‘bite’ is to write a book – catchily entitled ‘How to (Actually) Change the World’. That’s a lot to deliver in 55,000 words but I’m going to give it my best shot!

As part of my research, I’ve spoken to hundreds of people all over the world about the kind of changes they want to create, and what gets in the way of them actually doing it. So if you’re on a mission to change the world right now and you’re feeling blocked; or if you are feeling increasingly called to make a difference, to make an impact on this beautiful planet of ours, but you’re not sure how to go about it – please read on, because you are not alone.

Here’s what I’ve found so far…

So…Who Wants to Change the World?

An awful lot of us want to change the world. . If you’re an active member of the BeOne Global Community on Facebook, you may have seen and perhaps completed my survey for actual and aspiring changemakers. Of the people who have filled in the survey thus far, EVERYONE wants to change the world in some way.

When asked if there was something they would like to change to make the world a better place, 47% said that there were so many things they didn’t know where to start! Another 24% had one big issue that they were truly passionate about. Everyone else felt passionate about 2 or 3 main subjects and couldn’t pick one.

How Do We Want to Change the World?

We want to change the world for other women. My survey may be slightly skewed because of where it was posted and the kinds of women who’ve completed it, but of all the issues that we are passionate about, the top three categories are:

  • Women’s issues
  • Environment
  • Education & training

In other words, the issues which matter most to us are: other women; the planet and the next generation.

Some of us are dedicating our working lives to these issues. About 12% of respondents have already set up / run or work for a social enterprise dealing with the specific issue that they are most passionate about. Another 12% are operating in the charitable sphere on their number one issue.

Many respondents wrote in comments that tackling their number one issue was the mission of their business. That’s a lot of women dedicating their working lives to making the world a better place!

Many of those who work in other fields are taking action in their personal time. Nearly 95% of us are talking to friends and family – trying to persuade them of the importance of our cause. 85% have taken to social media to make our point and demonstrate our passion. Over 80% have signed online petitions.

Are We Making Progress?

Most of us feel that we’re not making enough progress. Amongst the social entrepreneurs, charity leaders and those whose professional mission is to change the world, only 30% were satisfied with the progress they are making.

Most of us want to do more: Of those who are taking action in their personal time, a whopping 97% want to do more but are hampered by a perceived lack of time and a feeling of not knowing where to start. The same feeling that stops about 20% of us from taking any action at all.

And that is where I hope that my book will help.

It’s Not Complicated…

I understand that changing the world can seem overwhelming but here is what I believe: changing the world may be hard work but it is not actually that complicated.

I can already feel the waves of disagreement and disbelief heading my way but, I’m sticking to my guns here because I genuinely believe that in principle changing the world is not complicated. It requires only one thing: you have to make people care.

You have to make companies care enough to change their policies; or make politicians care enough to change legislation; or make individuals care enough to change their behaviour and / or their minds. You have to know who holds the power to make the change, and you have to make them care enough to do it.

In Fact, It’s Really Quite Simple…

To make people care, you need to harness the power of great communications. It’s about communicating your message to the right people at the right time in a way that feels compelling to them. That’s it.

Now, there are a lot of experts out there with a vested interest in making you think that this is difficult. The more jargon they use, the more complex they make it seem – the more valuable their expertise appears and the more you are made to feel disempowered and dependent on their expertise.

This is where I hope my book will help. I plan to show you exactly how simple great communications can be. I will walk you through how to develop a comprehensive campaign plan for your vision that makes people care enough to create change.

So at the end of the process, you’ll be equipped to make a difference. You can make people care.

You can ACTUALLY change the world.

So…How Do You Want to Change the World?

This is a community full of changemakers and women with huge visions for how to change the world for the better.

So tell me, what ONE thing would you change about the world if you could wave a magic wand? What causes are you passionate about, and what change are you already creating through your life and work?

Share in the comments below, and let’s support each other to create the change we want to see.

And, if you have a moment, I’d be grateful if you would take part in my survey. Tell me how you want to change the world and how I can help you.

And as a great big thank you for doing so, I’m offering one participant the chance to win a 2-hour PR and communications brainstorm with a leading London PR agency, Pagefield (the one I co-founded!). Just click the link below to take the survey and be in with a chance of winning:

https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/HowToActuallyChangetheWorld

About Sara Price

The Knitting, Baby-whispering Karaoke queen!

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author!

Sara began her career in Parliament developing an in-depth understanding of the corridors of power. She then moved on to work as a political advisor to UNICEF where she witnessed the power of individuals and organisations to effect change on a global scale. She sat on the UK Board of one of the world’s largest PR agencies, H&K Strategies, and in 2010 she co-founded Pagefield.

Over the course of her career, she has developed communications programmes for some of the biggest brands in the world from Kelloggs to EDF Energy; advised organisations as diverse as Allied Bakeries and Variety, the Children’s Charity; and co-created multi-national campaigns for Global Peace Ambassador Prem Rawat.

Sara’s newest venture – How to Actually Change the World – is in development right now. If you’d like to help to shape the whole programme and be on the list to hear more, please sign up by emailing sara@renaissance-life.co

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What marriage is really like

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Want to know what marriage is really like? Let me paint you a picture.

We’re in the kitchen, when Greg opens the fridge and does a double take.

“Why is there so much food in the fridge? Do we have people coming round, or something?”

He knows the answer already. I’ve mentioned it at least twice, once when we were talking business last weekend and again as we played with the kids at the park.

“Yup. Annie and Susie are coming to stay at the weekend”

His response, let’s say, is not what I expect.

“Well. That’s the first I’ve heard of it.”

Ever experienced something similar with your other half? A time when it felt like they’d totally ignored something you’d clearly told them at least once?

Did you fly off the handle, accuse them of ignoring you, or seethe inwardly at the fact that for the hundredth time the thing you’ve told them has taken second place to sports fixtures, historical trivia, or whatever else they deem to matter more than your words?

Marriage, or indeed any loving partnership, is a wonderful and deeply beautiful thing. But beyond the wedding photos, special dinners and mushy moments (I’m not knocking them for a second) are the thousands, millions perhaps, of interactions just like the one Greg and I had in our kitchen that day.

Opportunities to connect – or withdraw.

To confront – or surrender.

How about you? When was the last time you had a communication breakdown with your partner? Think back to it now, because today I want to share a really helpful reframe that helped give me a different perspective on these kinds of interactions, and what they mean to me.

The difference in how we think

I am a big fan of anything that brings us a greater understanding of what makes us tick, and more capacity to empathise with other people’s behaviour.

That’s why I’ve found it so helpful to learn about the science of how our brains can work in vastly different ways.

So, let’s dig into what’s really going on in the interaction I described.

Ignoring… or interruption?

So in the example above, the scenario was pretty clear from my perspective. I’d told Greg numerous times about the plans for the weekend, and he’d chosen to ignore me, right?

Previously, I would certainly have taken it personally. After all, I know that when it comes to certain other facts – historical dates, the price of gold, all kinds of random (and from my perspective pretty irrelevant) trivia – are lodged in his brain indelibly. And yet when it comes to important information about guests in our house, apparently it just wasn’t important enough to hold on to.

What changed that tendency to take things personally was when I learned about the modal tendency some people – including Greg – have wired right into their brains.

No idea what I’m talking about? Read on.

The ‘modal’ model

What I learned after looking at some really fascinating research is that some people’s brains, especially when they’re in instinctive or ‘animal’ states tend to be much more “modal” than others.

That is to say, they tend to be focused on one task or problem, with anything not directly related to solving that problem being filtered out as having less significance.

In other words, when I mentioned our upcoming guests in the context of a business meeting, Greg was focused on the specific challenge we were discussing in that moment. He wasn’t ignoring me – he simply wasn’t registering its relevance outside of that context.

The same thing happened when we were having family time with the kids. Playground time meant playground time for Greg – not time to plan ahead, think about guests, or wonder what the fridge would look like when he opened it on Friday morning.

The strengths of modal thinking

Now, when I discovered my husband hadn’t heard a word I’d said I could have easily jumped straight into anger. But the more I learn about the way other people’s brains work, the more I appreciate the strengths that way of thinking can bring.

Narrow, deep focus allows problems to be solved all the way through to completion. The focus is on finding the solution to that one priority – which makes for incredibly efficient, focused resolution to even complex problems.

It’s a fantastic way to combat stress, because wider worries and awareness of things which aren’t directly relevant is swiftly filtered out by the modal brain. Greg definitely hadn’t been worrying about how we’d be taking care of our guests when they arrived, after all.

When we start to recognize that the ability to think modally is a distinctive thing, we can not only have compassion. We can start to admire it. That way of thinking is a real gift – it allows them to be completely present, immersed and ‘in flow’ in what they’re doing.

What’s more, it gives us clues as to how to make future interactions more positive.

How to interact with a modal thinker

Male or female, partner or boss, when you’re interacting with someone whose brain works in this modal way there are 3 key things to bear in mind.

1. Firstly, be aware of this tendency.

If your partner is a one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, it might be worth doing what Greg and I do and allocating specific slots in the week to talk about things you need to. We have 3 meetings: one for business, one for life admin, and one for finances. If you’re not running a business you probably need less, but the principle is the same: by allocating a time to talk about the topics you need to cover, you’ll avoid the spontaneous interruptions that modal thinkers find so challenging.

2. If you need to interrupt, do so thoughtfully.

Just as with my toddler, if it’s appropriate then touch can be a great way to signal that a change in topic is needed. Ask permission: is it OK if I interrupt you for a minute? And wait until you get a clear “yes” before launching into what you’re saying. A non-committal “uh-huh” or silence probably indicates you don’t yet have their full attention.

3. Ask them what they need

You might suspect your partner is a modal thinker, but nothing beats having a conversation to find out their perspective. I don’t mean launching into a “I’ve diagnosed you with this problem I read about on the internet” next time you have a disagreement, tempting as that might sound. But you could try asking your partner “How does it feel when you’re interrupted from something you’re doing?” or suggesting you agree a way to deal with logistics when it comes to your home.

What marriage is really like

So, to return to my original question – what’s marriage really like? For us at least, it’s a journey of learning.

Of noticing what causes emotions to run high, and getting curious about why that might be.

It might be to do with brain chemistry, personal triggers, or something that’s totally unique to you. Either way, it’s worth exploring what you can learn about each other and instead of taking the patterns personally, asking what they can teach you to appreciate in your partner. Choosing to understand, admire and celebrate our differences only deepens our connection with each other.

How about you? Have you found a niggle or source of friction that you were able to investigate and turn into a strength? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you’d like to get more tools and strategies to strengthen your relationship and bring more love into your world, join us for our BeLove Retreat. Click here to book in a no-obligation chat with one of our team and find out the full details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to handle Imposter Syndrome

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I was in the boarding lounge at Heathrow Airport, in tears.

(Not one of my proudest moments, I have to say)

I was crying because I was about to do something amazing. It was my first trip to work with Ali Brown, someone who I had followed and looked up to for years and years and years in my industry, and I was getting on a plane to head over to her very first Repower event in Phoenix, Arizona.

So I did what I always do in times like this – I called my sister.

“Sis, I’m freaking out. I feel like a total fraud. I’m heading over to this event and it is going to be full of highly successful women. You have to be doing seven figures even to be in the room.

I don’t even know how I’m going to cope. I’m going to feel like I just don’t fit in. I’m not supposed to be here. I feel like such a fraud.

I’ve just got this baby business that’s a total fluke, and I’m doing this ditzy personal development thing, and what the hell?”

Even thinking about it now I can still feel that feeling. Maybe you can relate? Have you ever found yourself feeling as though, however far you’ve come in life or whatever you’ve achieved, one day you’re going to be “found out” for not having a clue what you’re doing and being a complete fraud?

Welcome to imposter syndrome

For high achieving and successful women, impostor syndrome is incredibly common. And we’re in good company! I was amazed to read what Jodie Foster told one interviewer about her experience of winning an Academy Award for best actor. Now that’s an accolade you’d think would feel like pretty concrete proof you’d arrived, right? Wrong.

“I thought it was a fluke,” she said. “I thought everyone would find out and they’d take the Oscar back. That they’d come to my house knocking on the door, ‘Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else. That was going to Meryl Streep.'”

Or how about Maya Angelou, a writer who I’ve looked up to my entire life as an incredible fount of wisdom and knowledge and extraordinary insight. She’s been quoted as saying,

“I’ve written 11 books but each time I think, uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.”

So if you ever achieve great success and try and write it off as luck or being at the right place at the right time or undeserved, then you’re in really great company.

What is imposter syndrome?

What we’re talking about is that feeling of being a fraud, or being a fake, when actually you’re not. Like sooner or later the whole world is going to find you out. Now that might make sense if you really were ripping people off, or pretending in some way. If you’re an undercover cop, you probably would feel fake from time to time.

But if you are a successful small business owner doing six or seven figures and people love your work… or if you keep getting promoted and praised in your role in an organization, then it’s probably not appropriate to feel like an imposter.

The bottom line is, if you’re really good at whatever you’re doing, then it’s okay for people to believe in you. It doesn’t matter what the thing is – if you’re good at it, it doesn’t make sense to feel like an imposter. So why do we?

The phenomenon was first described by psychologists Suzanne Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s. And they described it as occurring among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept their success.

These high achievers will often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others are eventually going to unmask them as a fraud.

Imposter syndrome holds us back

This feeling that we’re going to be found out stops us stepping into our greatness.

I’ve spoken to successful corporate employees, women who are doing very, very well in high positions inside of their organization who don’t put themselves forward for promotion because they feel like they’re actually not even supposed to be where they already are.

Someone told me she was writing her LinkedIn profile the other day, and she didn’t want to put X, Y and Z into it because she didn’t want to come across like some egomaniac.

We don’t position ourselves powerfully to be able to be of service to the people that we can make a real difference with… because we don’t want to sound like egomaniacs?

That’s imposter syndrome. It stops us from really owning, promoting and putting ourselves forward. Not in a way which says, “Look at how great I am.” But in a way that says, “Look these are my achievements. This is what I have done. And I can help you.”

How to handle imposter syndrome

  1. Reach out

Having someone you can talk to when Imposter Syndrome strikes is something that I highly recommend. I’ve got my sister, who I can always count on. Back in that airport lounge at Heathrow, when I called her in tears before my trip to meet Ali Brown, she gave it to me straight:

“You own your success, woman. You go over there and you’re not just networking for you, you’re networking for our whole business and for all of those women in the developing world that we help out. You get out there, you own your success and you go for it.”

I rely on loads of other people too – my husband, my team, my fellow coaches. These days I’m consciously leaning into collaboration and working with others, because if I’m feeling not good enough then they will remind me.

Who could you turn to when you need an outside perspective on how you’re doing?

  1.  Read over your bio

If you’re an entrepreneur you might have a bio you share; if you’re employed, it might be a CV. Either way, looking at how you present the facts of what you’ve achieved to others is a great way to remind yourself of just how great you really are. (If you’re a mum, there’s always asking your kids – it might not be the specific insight you’re looking for, but they definitely think you’re pretty awesome!).

  1. Keep an “I rock” file

My friend Kim taught me this – she keeps a file of all of the clippings and little thank you cards and everything that anyone’s ever given her that has her feel really great. You could keep a special folder in your emails for the notes that really make your day, or pin thank you cards above your desk so you can see them whenever self-doubt kicks in.

  1. Go deeper

At a deeper level you do have to accept that you have had some role in your success. You may well have had an opportunity that others weren’t given but you need to accept that you were instrumental in being ready for that opportunity.

It’s not fair, if you had an advantage over others, sure. Life isn’t fair. But you had to do something to get where you are, and you need to own that. So spend some time accepting that success that you’ve had.

  1. It’s not about you

The final thing that really helps me is shifting from “me” focus to “other” focus. When my sister asks me to refocus on the women in the developing world that we’ve supported through the Hunger Project, it’s much easier for me to recognise, “Yeah, I did help those women to create something they would not have otherwise been able to create. I do make a difference.”

So focusing on the value that you provide and the difference you make to others really, really helps.

Time to get real

What opportunities are you not stepping into because of the fear of being found out?

It might be in your relationship. It might be as a mother. It might be in your business. It might be in your job. Whatever it is, identify it, and reframe it for yourself.

How are you stopping being of service for others by holding yourself back in this way?

Share in the comments below!

And remember – Kate Winslet feels it every time she goes on set. Jodie Foster feels it when she receives her awards. Maya Angelou feels it every time she writes a new book. You’re in great company. You’re one of many women who feels this impostor syndrome and hey, that’s a great club to be a part of, but it doesn’t stop them – so don’t let it stop you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What’s my leadership style?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Where are you a leader in your life? At work? Running a business? Or within your family, community, or voluntary organization?

Here at One of many our mission is to create a movement of women ready to become the leaders the world needs. After all, as a planet, the model of power that’s been dominant so far just isn’t going to cut it to get us where we want to be. But what does a new way of leading look like in practice?

Our Soft Power framework is the tool we’ve developed to radically shift our approach in an incredibly effective way. It’s a new kind of leadership for the new world we want to create, and it’s so exciting to see it in action.

Today I want to share one of our Lead the Change participants, Carol’s inspiring story with you.

Stepping into Lover at NATO

One area which you might not associate with innovative feminine models of leadership is the military. But as part of NATO, Carol’s role is all about inviting different ways of thinking to this very hierarchical environment.

Last year, she had an opportunity to put it into practice.

“I was co-facilitating a set of 5 workshops at the NATO Allied Command Transformation “Chiefs of Transformation” conference.

The Chiefs of Transformation are the second most senior level in our militaries, reporting directly to the top tier Generals and Admirals who provide strategic leadership and advice to Presidents and Prime Ministers.

At the conference there were 70 senior officers representing almost 50 nations and around 300 other attendees, including lower ranking military officers, industry representatives and a few post-graduate students from Washington universities.”

Straight away, Carol saw a possibility.

“The opportunity I had was to get these very senior military commanders thinking about the value of becoming more collaborative, and ideally agreeing to develop collaborative opportunities as a result.”

The conference happened to come the week after our BeLove retreat, when our Lead the Change cohort had explored the Women’s PowerType™ of Lover in some depth. So Carol was ready to discover what a new kind of leadership could achieve.

5 PowerTypes – what’s my leadership style?

Lover is one of the 5 PowerTypes™– along with Sorceress, Warrioress, Queen and Mother – we use to model new ways of women’s leadership.

All of us are naturally drawn more to some of these PowerTypes than others. For example, you might naturally step into “Warrioress” energy when you’re in charge. As a leader, you roll up your sleeves and work alongside your team, never asking anyone to do anything you wouldn’t do yourself. Full of energy and ever-resilient, your commitment to fighting for justice and what’s right is formidable.

Or perhaps you connect more to Lover as a leader. Your team are drawn to you because of how you make them feel: special, lavished with attention, and magnetic through your innate persona.

In Carol’s words,

“My story is mainly about using Lover, alongside Queen archetype in order to achieve buy-in and collaboration among senior military leaders across NATO, and other allied nations, to become more diverse in their thinking and collaborative in their style of command.”

Carol’s story

“During the conference set-up, it was immediately noticeable how radically different our workshop set-up was to that of the other 4 nations leading workshops.

We had no top table for the senior commanders, instead spreading them out around our large circle (we had about 70 attendees in each workshop, differing on each occasion).

On the first day of the conference I took conscious steps to step into both Queen and Lover PowerTypes, listening to key songs that really help me embody them.

At the start of each session I had a 5-minute introductory brief, which I delivered using every ounce of Queen PowerType I could muster – serenely and at what felt like an incredibly slow pace to allow for the majority of participants who would be working with English as a second language.

Then I joined my colleague who was leading the facilitation at the central table; at which point I would switch to Lover.

In “fishbowl facilitation”, the style we had chosen to use, anyone who wishes to speak has to step up from the outer circle to join one of the couple of chairs where the conversation happens in the centre of the room.

In a military hierarchy it is a massive challenge for officers to speak their opinion in front of those many ranks senior to them.

My role was to invite people to feel confident enough to come up and speak, then ensure they felt heard and valued when they did.

Although the first workshop worked, and many thanked us afterwards – we learned a few lessons: in particular to wait out silences, and at times to use the two officers we had supporting us to step up and speak.

After that we got people stepping up and joining the discussion much more smoothly: students in their mid-twenties providing responses to questions put forward by senior military commanders; having a non-commissioned officer speaking up for the experience of other ranks; and eventually getting some female voices (other than mine) heard. Women were outnumbered about 15 to 1!

The point I knew I was definitely leading from Lover was when a French General walked past an empty chair at the table saying, “I am Frrrench, I vill sit next to ze lady.”

I had already noticed a tendency for people to sit next to me, walking past the other chair when it was empty.

Prior to my One of many trainings I would have felt nervous getting that attention, but with the balance of Queen and Lover I felt totally safe, and understood I was achieving the leadership that was required in that moment.

After each session my co-facilitator and I had a lot of people (including those who hadn’t spoken) thanking us for a good workshop, sharing ideas and giving us their business cards. I became very good at gracefully excusing myself so I got a few minutes downtime between each session!”

The outcomes:

  • 17 Nations, 3 different organisations within NATO and an international research alliance all expressed interest in collaborating to develop capabilities to make military command more collaborative.
  • The buzz around the conference was that the UK workshops were the best. The report from the UK’s Chief of Transformation to three of the most senior officers in the UK military was glowing. This and the level of interest from other nations is being used to try and secure significant additional funding to enhance our capability in this area.
  • Our team learned a lot about overcoming this discomfort of leading in such an unusual and unfamiliar way – I’m pulling this experience back in to enhance my research and exploitation of the challenging ideas it presents to UK military.

Bringing different leadership styles into your life

Carol’s story shows just how powerful this work can be. We really are changing the world, and having an impact that will ripple out into all kinds of realms.

But you don’t have to be a leader at NATO to use these tools.

If you’re curious about your leadership style, and how to bring more of the different PowerTypes into your life, you might want to take a look at our free bundle of resources.

As part of Life’s Little Toolkit you can download a guide exploring each of the PowerTypes, along with a playlist of music that can help you bring them to life. Click here to access your Toolkit now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to say no politely

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you wear lots of different hats in the course of your life, you know how valuable it is to know how to say no politely.

It’s one thing to say no to things you don’t want to do. But finite time and energy also means turning down requests for things we’d love to do from people we’d love to help.

So, how to say no politely without sacrificing our relationships or letting people down?

In this episode of Jo & Co, I’m breaking down the really simple template I use when I need to turn down an opportunity that doesn’t fit in with my priorities.

I deliberately designed this to be really simple because these kinds of challenges come around so often, and when you want to be helpful it’s incredibly tempting to say yes. I wanted a quick little framework I could whip out every time, and I hope you find it helpful when it comes to honouring your time without letting other people down.

3 steps to a healthy “no”

In the video I share:

  • What you need to be clear about BEFORE you get the ask
  • The crucial distinction that allows you to say no without offending, letting people down, or hurting their feelings
  • My 3-step process that leaves the other person feeling you’ve helped them without compromising your priorities

The most effective people in life are the ones who are able to gracefully say no to everything that takes them away from their values.

Saying “I’m just too busy” won’t cut it – it implies that we’re frantic, stressed and short on time. It also suggests we’re so bad at prioritising we can’t actually make space for something we’d be interested in – what a mixed message! It can really leave the other person confused about where they stand.

Using this framework allows us to say no at the same time as building relationships and supporting those around us. That’s crucial if we’re to have our biggest impact, and it’s something we can absolutely help each other learn and practice. So, when you’ve watched the video, I’d love to know what you’re going to say no to! Let’s encourage and support each other in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What the hell is empowerment?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Empowerment – What the hell is empowerment? We hear this word so often in today’s world, in the workplace, in all the self-development talk but can we really relate to it? Do we know what it actually means to us?

Ask yourself this:
What does it mean to be empowered? Or

What does being an empowered woman feel like?

For that matter- have I ever felt it?!

What the hell is this empowerment thing?

Sometimes the problem is in the definition. How we define things will either make them easy for us to experience, or difficult to experience.

So first, let’s take a moment to explore what empowerment is not.

Let me introduce you to her sister DISEMPOWERMENT – She’s the complete opposite of her stronger, cheerleader of a sister. Disempowerment can be characterised by the space you find yourself in when you’re not feeling your best.

We define it as “when you want or need to take a certain path of action but don’t because of internal stop signs”

Disempowerment can be a great big brick wall standing between you and your natural power.

What do I mean by internal stop signs?

These are reasons, the justifications and yes as uncomfortable as it is, the excuses that we tell ourselves which lead to inaction. It might result in procrastination or that feeling of just not being able to make that breakthrough.

Stop signs are the little voices that say icky stuff like:

  • I can’t do that.
  • I don’t have the time.
  • I can’t afford it.
  • I don’t have the right skills.

Now, please don’t get me wrong we all have these thoughts from time to time especially when we’re not at our best.

They are often absolutely 100% valid reasons and objections. “Look at my bank account” you might say, “I don’t have any money! Its not an excuse, it’s the truth.”

And while I get it. I also don’t buy it.

Stick with me on this – I promise I’ll explain without you stamping your feet and saying “She has no idea!!”

Let’s take a look at an example of what disempowerment can look like in action or should I say inaction!

Say hello to Suzie…

Suzie has been a stay at home mum for some time but her children are growing up fast and she feels that now is HER time to do something for herself, to get back in touch with the workplace and start up her own bookkeeping business.

She’s excited about this next chapter in her life. She knows what she needs to do – there’s a night class bookkeeping course running at a local college and YET she’s made no move to enrol – What’s holding her back? You got it, those darn stop signs!

Suzie is feeling disempowered because every time she thinks she’ll enrol she comes up with

  • “We can’t afford it“
  • “I don’t have child-care“
  • “I don’t have the car Tuesdays“
  • “I’m the one that does everything“
  • “I won’t have the time, no-one ever helps me!“
  • “Who’ll cook the dinner?“

This kind of thinking is never going to empower Suzie into action.

All these reasons are driving her lack of empowerment.

They are keeping her stuck in a rut and holding her back from unleashing her creativity, her innovation, her effectiveness.

You see, there’s way too many examples out there of women who may have not had the money, the upbringing, the privilege, the opportunity to do something they wanted to do. But because they had a vision- they still found a way to MAKE it happen.

That’s empowerment.

Let’s look at it another way…

Here at One of many™, we work with archetypes to understand empowerment.

  1. The empowering 5 Women’s PowerTypes™:
    • the Warrioress,
    • the Lover,
    • the Mother,
    • the Queen
    • and the Sorceress
  2. And the disempowering ones of
    • the Bitch,
    • the Martyr
    • and the Victim.

It’s these latter three archetypes that are responsible for those stop signs. They can often be found blaming others, feeling like it’s them against the whole world or the whole world is against them!

They are unhelpful, unsupportive and totally disempowering.

So, how can we be empowered?

Step 1: Ditch the bitch! or whatever disempowering archetype is your poison of choice. Take notice of the part of you that surfaces when you’re feeling less than your best, lacking in confidence or fearful.

Step 2: Tap into the supportive and resilient energy one of your PowerTypes™ – there’s one for every situation!

You don’t have to choose between being a bitch or a martyr – choose to be a Queen.

The Queen PowerType™ is the perfect choice for empowerment. She holds a powerful vision for her future, she is decisive, resilient and not afraid to delegate or ask for support.

Let’s go back to Suzie for a moment – What would it look like if she chose to access to her Queen PowerType™, and ask “What would my Queen do?”

Well, it would probably go something like this…

  • “We can’t afford it“: She’d see the course as an investment in her future. She’d apply for an increase to the credit limit on her card, or draw down on the mortgage, or borrow from her mum, or sell all the old baby furniture cluttering up the garage. She’d get creative about where the money IS and how she can access it to provide a better future for herself and her family.
  • “I don’t have child-care“: She’d get creative in conversations with her husband, her neighbour, the 13 yo next door, she’d look at online courses she can do from home…
  • “I don’t have the car Tuesdays“: She’d look up buses, borrow a bike,
  • “I’m the one that does everything“: She’d ignore this little commentary from the Martyr, and set up a rota so everyone helps out.
  • “I won’t have the time, no-one ever helps me!“: She’ll get her diary out and take control of her time, she’ll ask for the help she needs.
  • “Who’ll cook the dinner?“: She’ll realise that no-one ever died from one microwave meal a week!

How different does that look? – How empowering!

You can almost feel the uprush of “make sh!t happen” energy that comes on the tail of being her Queen.

So just how can we recognise empowerment?

An empowered individual is someone who can access their internal resources to empower themselves.

They are resilient and can easily switch into problem-solving mode when faced with a challenge.

They are able to seek out or build a supportive network to help them to achieve goals and overcome setbacks.

Have you ever been “disempowered” in relationship to a challenge you’ve had, and then shifted your thinking to come up with creative solutions? Share in the comments. Let’s all inspire one another with stories of our own empowerment.

Who knows – your share here could change someone’s life!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What are the Women’s PowerTypes™?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Depending on how long you’ve been with us you may or may not be aware of one of the central tools in our work – the Women’s PowerTypes™.

Allow me to explain a little…

For far too long the only way we have thought we can be taken seriously and get results in the world is to behave like Superwoman. Strong, capable, dominating, often frantic, inefficient, scary…

She is the one responsible for our burn out, our relationship issues, and our lack of joy.

So if being Superwoman isn’t the answer, what is?

Allow me to introduce The Women’s Powertypes™

We believe we need a new kind of power to be the leaders the world needs us to be.

We need a new kind of power to lead the fulfilling lives we want to lead.

A power grounded in collaboration, not competition. A power of co-operation not coercion. A power centred in replenishment not depletion.

At One of many™ we call this new power, “soft power”.

And because so few of us have role models of this way of being, we use the Women’s PowerTypes™ to serve as our inspiration and guides.

Work with the PowerTypes™ and you will not only be strong and effective, but also true to the softer aspects of your nature.

You’ll be taken seriously, without having to take yourself so seriously.

You’ll achieve more, without burning yourself out.

The 5 Women’s PowerTypes™ we work with are: the Warrioress, the Lover, the Mother, the Queen and the Sorceress.

Let me explain each of them a little for you, and perhaps you can start to hear which may be your Primary PowerType™.

The Warrioress

Energetic and youthful, the Warrioress is characterized by her commitment to fighting for justice. Like the mythical Amazonian woman, she’s courageous, independent and quick to act. With the strength of a tigress she looks after her own. Others admire her raw energy, but she can be hard to keep up with.

She leads through cause & participation

As a leader you will find her standing alongside her fellow teammates, with her sleeves rolled up, getting involved. She leads by example, often by being the best, or most dedicated and others run to keep up with her.

The Lover

The Lover is characterised not just by her sensuality and sexuality, but by her enjoyment of emotion, feeling and a love of life itself. She’s the source of life, of creativity. She relishes in the exploration of the world through her five senses, and delights in giving and receiving pleasure in all domains. She is the centre of our own self-care and knows how to take care of herself, and not burn out.

She leads through invitation & appreciation.

Rarely denied, as a leader the Lover is captivating and magnetic. Her invitations hold the promise of a rich experience and she is thus able to tempt others to coming on board with her. She showers her team with gifts, appreciation and experiences that delight the senses. People follow her because they love her.

The Mother

A woman does not need to have children to have a robust Mother PowerType. Always available to provide a space of safety, warmth and solace, the Mother is where we all go for nurture and nourishment. She is patient and kind, mothering not just her children, but all children and the planet. She is always looking to bring out the best in others. She will sometimes sacrifice her own needs for those she identifies as her family. She is centred in the earth energy of late summer.

She leads through love & encouragement

As a leader the mother uses gentle encouragement, teaching and coaching as her tools of choice. She patiently works to bring out the best in every member of her team, certain in the knowledge that everyone’s contribution is valuable and important. She looks to the wellbeing of her team, and supports them to take care of themselves.

The Queen

Comfortable in leadership and certain of her place in the world, the Queen epitomises grace and dignity. She is deeply committed to her realm, and holds a clear vision for what she desires for those in it. People are fiercely dedicated to her vision, and will often lay down their lives in the service of her ideals.

She leads through vision & inspiration

Perhaps the most obvious “leader” PowerType the Queen is happy to be in charge and have the final say. She inspires loyalty, service and dedication not because of who she is, but because of the powerful vision she holds for the team. People are driven to provide for her needs, as she holds the space for greatness for all. She provides unbiased guidance and sanction, order and structure. Her team members will often work beyond their own limits to provide for the vision, and exhaustion and burnout can ensue.

The Sorceress

Connected to a higher power, the Sorceress knows that magic and miracles happen in the every day. She understands and works with the bridge between the seen and unseen. She’s highly innovative, and facilitates transformation. She is naturally curious, searching for information, wisdom and knowledge. She is a master of her chosen technologies. She enjoys her own company and her daily life abounds with ritual.

She leads through faith & wisdom.

With her belief that “everything is possible”, her team admire her magical abilities to see solutions, or come up with new ideas. She always has the right piece of knowledge and knows just how to apply it. Because of her deep understanding and connection, her team will follow her advice and defer to her wisdom. She works powerfully with the energies between team members knowing that the energy of the group ultimately impacts the outcome.

Which Women’s PowerType Are You?

Ever since we started teaching these Women’s PowerTypes™, women have been asking “which one am I?” Well- the good news is you can now find out!

We have developed a comprehensive profiling tool so that you can discover which PowerTypes™ you’re great at, and which you’re, well, not so great at (and why that’s important…)

What’s more, we’ve created a three-part mini-training to help you debrief your profile and understand the significance of your personal PowerType™ makeup to your work, your relationships, your health and vitality.

Discover your unique personal and leadership strengths with our brand new Women’s PowerTypes™ Profile.

The Women’s PowerType™ Profile is just One of many tools we have created to help unleash your bold and courageous leadership.

And that all starts with understanding your potential.

 

Discover your true path to bold and effective leadership by taking the Women’s PowerType™ Profile test today.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

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