Power Archives - One of Many

How to deal with negative people

October 1, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

Who’s that person in your life… The one who makes your heart sink when you see their name pop up on your phone – or whose response to your latest idea or project is bound to deflate you? Negative people can be really challenging to handle – so today I want to share 5 quick ways to reframe a relationship that’s bringing you down.

Let’s start with something that you need to get out of the way first.

Every now and again I hear a different version of the same advice I’ve heard a lot over the years. ‘Cut out negative people!’ ‘Don’t allow negative people to colour your life!’ ‘Surround yourself with positive people only!’.

This is all good advice. If we eliminate negative influences chances are that the life we want will unfold in a more positive direction.

But what if you can’t just ‘cut them out’?

What if you have a negative boss but you like your job? What if it’s your neighbour, but you don’t want to move house? What if it’s your mother, and you’re definitely not at a point where you want to be completely estranged?

Yes, we need to create space for positive change but sometimes we have to do that by shifting our own mindset.

And if our only way to handle challenging people is to avoid them completely, we’re cutting ourselves off from interactions that might really have something to teach us.

This a great chance for us to practice compassion, patience and unconditional love!

Here are five ways to get started.

1. Use the Women’s PowerTypes to connect more effectively

If you haven’t come across the Women’s PowerTypes before, you can read more about them here. Often, a quick check in with how you’re showing up in a relationship can help you see what needs to be shifted.

Perhaps you’re taking on a “Mothering” role for a friend, when actually stepping into Queen would help you set boundaries that would empower both of you.
Have you been sharing your intuitive “Sorceress” instincts with a partner, who’s more powerfully engaged with through magnetic Lover?
Or maybe your direct report at work always clashes with you when you’re in “Queenly” strategy modeWhat would be different if you got into action as Warrioress before asking for their input on your project?

You could also use the PowerTypes to help you release any pent up emotion following difficult interactions.

For example, if conversations with your sister often leave you tense, you might want to consciously spend some time in Lover to fill your energy back up afterwards. If you’re stuck, ask for help in the BeOne community. We love to help each other connect to these leadership archetypes more powerfully.

2. Don’t go there.

Some people have a hard time recognising which comments are supportive and which are critical. If there’s a particular area of my life I don’t like discussing with someone I will request that we don’t discuss it at all.

Maybe you could make a mental note that you won’t bring up your career with your hyper-critical Dad, or that work conversations should steer clear of relationships.

It’s OK to have boundaries around topics, and to actively choose not to engage in conversation around subjects that always lead to hurt.

3. Be understanding and compassionate.

Especially in today’s fast-paced, unpredictable world, many of us are carrying a heavy emotional burden that can lead unthinking responses. Everybody has their own struggles. We’re all just one of many humans trying to do the best that we can. The chances are that the people we feel are hurting us have been badly hurt themselves.

This is particularly important to remember on social media, when conversations can flare up and misunderstandings are rife. Often an offline conversation is a kinder way to check in with them and resolve any lingering upset.

4. Accept them.

Sometimes we’re challenged by a desire to “fix” those we care about. When someone you love is in a repeated pattern, and you feel as though the change they need to make is clear, it can be tough to bite your tongue.

In these situations, I tell myself it’s not my job to heal them. I do not have the power to change them. If they are ever going to change they will have to do so of their own accord. The only person I am able to change is me.

Which leads me to point 5…

5. If all else fails… gather the data!

If you really can’t shift the relationship, you can at least change your experience of it. An empowering way to do that is to treat the interactions as data. So get curious. What is is specifically that “triggers” you when it comes to this person? Does that remind you of an experience in childhood, a particularly tender area of your life, or a need that’s not currently being met?

Whenever you feel emotions rising, make a mental note to log away what you’re learning.

Journal on it, use it as the basis for a coaching conversation, or if you’re part of Living the Change bring it to a group call.

Sometimes, it’s the most frustrating people in our lives who are our greatest teachers.

Loving the negative people… it’s possible!

So if you can’t cut negative people out of your life you can approach them from a place of love. It sounds impossible but try it. The toxic relationship will become charged with positive energy.

And along the way you might learn things about yourself you might never have known.

Life is too short to give critical and negative people the power to influence our direction. Cherish your dreams, learn from your relationships, and don’t let anyone stop you or slow you down.

How about you?

How do you deal with negative people? Are there some people in your life you feel you ought to cut out but can’t? Could you try changing your reaction? Let us know in the comments…

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How your vulnerability is your strength

September 24, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

Let’s talk about vulnerability today. If you’ve ever found yourself secretly thinking “everybody seems to be doing better than me!”, read on. I’m going to explain why that’s not true, what stops us from admitting it, and how sharing what’s really going on for you can be a source of radical power and support. Strange as it might seem, your vulnerability is your strength when you find the right space to share it.

But first, let’s start with why this moment in history is wobbly for so many of us. That’s to do with the unique lens through which we’re viewing the rest of the world.

Take a moment to think about how you’re getting your impression of how others are doing.

With the restrictions in place as I write, many of us are increasingly filtering our interactions through the lens of social medias.

We’re not having as many glancing interactions with people – the casual connection at the playground or the pub. Those times you see each other around the water cooler at work, and just feel that someone’s energy is “off”. Tiny moments of compassion for strangers.

So we don’t recognize the fact that a lot of us are suffering.

Recent months have seen an epidemic of mask wearing.

(I’m not talking about the one you pop on to go to the shops.)

I’m talking about the “everything’s okay” mask.

You know the difference, right?

That, “everything’s fine!” or “I’ve got this handled!” mask.

That particular kind of mask wearing seems to have gone up a lot in recent times.

Our virtual gatherings during the pandemic were the first time in some cases, for weeks, months, or even years where many of us felt safe to go:

“You know what? Maybe I can rest my load down a little bit here and actually say how I really am.”

Early on, I noticed lots of people starting to share words to the effect of… “I’m actually really not managing very well.”

I’m not doing okay.

I’m struggling in my relationship.

I’m feeling like I’m failing as a parent.

We heard from women who were struggling to stop weeping. Dealing with real big emotions. Or experiencing that sense of sleepwalking numbness.

So many very deep and powerful shares.

What was revealed was just how much we are collectively challenged and hurting at this time.

Even those of us who are very well resourced. I’m thinking of our Lead the change graduates and participants in our Mastery program who are really deeply embedded in the tools. Even us as trainers! We’ve been working with these tools for years and years and years, decades in some cases.

And even the most resourced of us are feeling the strain of this time.

We are feeling the pressure, but…

We’re not talking about it in any other spaces. Which is why I think it freaked a few people out! A few people felt alarmed by hearing all this big emotion come up – and maybe even wondered if the event itself was causing an outburst.

But the truth is, those feelings and all of the hurt and challenge were already there.

This year many of us have experienced stress, difficult decisions and emotional strain unlike anything else we’ve gone through.

All that changed was the environment we created where it was safe to say that out loud.

And I’ve been reflecting on just how rare and precious that is ever since.

How vulnerable so many of us are feeling at the moment and just how few safe places we have to say that out loud.

Your vulnerability is your strength – because hiding it saps your energy.

… We’re lacking spaces where we can offload

This is a community of change making women who care. Which means if you’re reading this, you’re very likely to be the person in your space who listens, who’s the “go to” person.

The pillar of strength in the community.

We’re under huge pressure in our home environments, and on top of that we’re often being the strong ones for our family members, our wider family, and in our work spaces for our teams and colleagues.

And we are often the last ones to reach out and say, “I’m not doing okay”.

Because we feel like if we say that out loud, the whole world will fall apart.

But today I want to challenge that assumption. And here’s why.

Our feelings are collective

Part of the power of being open with our vulnerability is the recognition that it is a universal experience. Grief is universal. Fear is universal.

Sometimes we can feel like there’s something wrong with us as individuals – that we are somehow broken or particularly challenged. That our neighbor isn’t feeling this. The other school mums next to us are coping fine. The other women who are out dating or leading teams are not experiencing fear or sadness – that everybody else seems to have it together.

That is absolutely not the case.

Your vulnerability is not a fault or a problem. It’s a normal, healthy, compassionate human response.

In this community, your vulnerability is your strength

When we come together in community and we start talking about our experiences, one of the first and most healing pieces is this realisation that emotions are universal experiences.

“I’m not the only one!”

Why does this surprise us? Well, I’ll tell you why it surprises us… because we don’t bloody well talk about it!

We don’t talk about our innermost feelings. We don’t talk about the fact that we sent an email out to a potential client and they didn’t write back and we feel rejected and alone.

We don’t talk about the fact that we went out on three dates with a girl or a guy, and then we didn’t hear from them afterwards. They disappeared and we feel rejected and alone.

We might talk about what happened, but how often do we actually talk about how we are feeling at a deeper level?

And if I could take that one step forward further, I would say, how many of us actually even take the time to notice how we’re feeling at a deeper level?

What’s missing in our culture and in our society, are safe spaces to be heard, to be the full entirety of who we are.

All of our huge, awesome and rocking magnificence and all of our vulnerable, weepy, uncertain, insecure selves.

We just don’t have those spaces.

At One of many, we’re dedicated to creating safe spaces for women to share

And that for me is one of the things that I’m intensely grateful for.

To see how all of us feel able to come to show up, to share so deeply here, is incredibly moving and empowering for me.

If you’re someone who doesn’t even look at your own emotions, you start hearing from women who are more open.

And you might just start to look for the very first time and start to notice how you feeling.

Or, if you’re very present to how you’re feeling, but not actually telling anybody about it, you might show up on a Living the Change coaching call or in the Be One Global Community on Facebook. And say “this is what’s going on for me right now”.

When it’s said out loud, it becomes a shared experience.

And then what usually happens in this community is hundreds or dozens at least of other women go, “Oh, me too. You know, that’s something similar happened to me. Yeah. Something similar happened to my sister.”

It’s such a powerful thing. And that relief that can follow sharing openly, and not being judged, is so powerful.

Sometimes it’s just the ability to lay down the burden in a safe space, which is a critical piece.

This extraordinary community

So I want to acknowledge and honor you, right now, because whether you found us 5 years or 5 minutes ago, you’re a part of what makes the fabric of this community. You are a part of what makes this a safe space. And I thank you for how you are with each other.

Want more support – along with practical ways to create change?

If you need someone in your corner, if you want to lay down the burden, if you want a place where it’s normal to feel things, it’s normal to have challenges, and it doesn’t make you broken or wrong or helpless… I invite you to come and join us in Living the Change.

You’ll get access to all the tools and resources in our membership site, plus The Hearth, our private online coaching space space. Our in-house coaches are there to answer your questions and provide support whenever you need it.

This isn’t about whining or blaming or being victims. It’s a place to find an empowered sharing of what’s truly going on and practical tools and strategies to help you to create the life you want – to get the results you want to get.

Click here to find out more.

Where’s your safe space to share?

What are you going to do next? How are you going to reach out and to whom?

If you’re already in Living the Change and it’s been a while since you came on a coaching call, maybe it’s to join one of the calls, and prioritize getting your hand up and getting coached?
Maybe it’s coming into the BeOne community and sharing how you’re doing. You could say “I’m not looking for advice” or “I just want to know if anyone feels like this” – or maybe you’d like some tips from someone else who’s been in your situation. It’s up to you. Tell us what you need.
Maybe it’s calling up a friend and saying “I haven’t spoken to you for a long time cause I’ve been having a tough time. Can we have a real conversation about the tough times we’re having, and maybe be there for each other?”

There’s many, many ways to create your safe space, but you need one. All of us need one right now. It’s a really tough time. What are you going to do to support you to handle it with even more support? Let me know in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Why we’re so emotional right now

August 27, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

“I can’t feel my legs at all now!” I yelled to James as he shivered on the beach. “Come on in, it’s fabulous!”

August in North Wales and I was channelling my inner Brit, stoically frolicking in the freezing surf despite the overcast clouds and drizzle. The sea really was glorious, even if it was undoubtedly very, very cold. And after the initial shock had worn off I really did stop noticing the cold in my fingers and toes. (For the record, that was not enough to get James into the water!)

And thanks to my medical training, I knew why. My body was responding in the appropriate way to the shock of the cold environment – diverting blood flow from my extremities to preserve my core functioning.

So what does this have to do with the fact that you’re feeling so emotional right now?

Well, as I returned this week, I found myself reflecting on that physiological stress response, and how it relates to what we’ve been experiencing on a psychological level.

Many of us are noticing ourselves responding in unusual ways emotionally, having been plunged into the shock of the global pandemic.

Our responses are normal, but they’re also important to pay attention to. Because, if we don’t take notice of our own needs when it comes to processing our emotions, we can store up even greater problems in the future.

Why we’re so emotional right now: the impact of stress

Every single one of us has come under stress in recent months – on top of the existing strains of our usual day to day juggle. Many of us were already in “Superwoman” mode when the pandemic began.

Somehow, we found reserves in the tank to power through that initial shock. And for each of us the impact has been vastly different. Some of us have lost loved ones, have been in frontline jobs, have seen businesses evaporate overnight. We’ve all been through our own challenges, big and small.

Not sure if you’ve been impacted? Think back. Have you experienced:

Crazy dreams
Flashbacks to particularly stressful moments
Crying inappropriately
Losing your temper with someone you wouldn’t usually
A feeling of numbness or dissociation

These are all symptoms of the stress you’ve been under.

And we’ve adapted. We learned new habits. We learned how to interpret statistics and analyse exponential curves; to carry a mask and wash our hands. We’ve gradually learned to adopt a 17 step process for grocery shopping, and navigate an advanced series of risk management protocols before considering something as previously simple as “visiting grandma”.

Every single one of these adaptations has drawn more on our executive function – requiring energy to make decisions and adjust to change.

And of course, that’s only looking at the Covid pandemic. Everything else in life didn’t stop. If your parent has dementia, your relationship’s breaking up, or your child has additional needs, you’ll have been navigating those things as well. You might have been deeply involved by the Black Lives Matter movement, had your financial foundations rocked, or had another health issue crop up.

Just because many of us have now got through the hard part of full lockdown, doesn’t mean things have got easier.

No wonder we’re feeling so emotional right now!

Now, we’re facing a new and different challenge.

For many of us our energy for change, our drive for stepping up and being creative again, for making change in the world, having an impact through business or leading our family into new ventures – is hugely depleted right now.

We’re frustrated, sad, grieving, procrastinating and confused.

So how does this relate to my tentative steps into those bracing Welsh waves last week?

When we’re faced with extreme stress, just like my shivering limbs in the North sea responded to the physical cold, our psyches react. We tend to shut down our emotional response in order to get through. We go into “functioning” mode, doing what needs to be done – furloughing staff, comforting kids, reassuring partners.

And it’s important to understand that this is a completely normal thing to do.

When we’re facing trauma or stress, we often suppress the emotions that accompany it. It enables us to keep going and preserve ourselves and our loved ones.

But those emotions don’t go away. As time goes on, many of us are starting to feel “full up” with emotion. This is where that “I’m just so emotional right now!” feeling starts to crop up. We’ve experienced fear, panic, anger, rage, division, isolation.

And most of us don’t have an “emotional hygiene” practice for safely letting go of those pent-up feelings.

It’s been a highly emotional time across the planet

Normally when you have a tough time, you can turn to someone who’s not having a tough time. But when everyone’s in the midst of turbulence, we’ve got no one to turn to. We become isolated – and that exacerbates our stress.

You might have gone through periods of numbness, and now find that your emotions are starting to spill over in inappropriate ways.

Or perhaps you experienced a snappy stage a while back, but now you’re starting to feel increasingly withdrawn – and you know you’re comfort eating at night in an attempt to keep those uncomfortable feelings at bay.

There’s no rule book for this stuff, and the science surrounding stress and trauma is still evolving. If you’re feeling so emotional right now, that’s OK.

What’s clear is that almost all of us are experiencing some kind of emotional reaction to stress – and we need to make sure we prioritise addressing that as soon as we can.

What can you do if you’re feeling extra emotional right now?

Dealing with our emotions depends to some extent on the scope of the trauma. If you’ve experienced massive trauma and it’s seriously impacting your life, I suggest you find a professional counsellor or therapist to help guide you through your experience.

Otherwise, there are 4 things you need to allow yourself to safely and powerfully process your emotions. And one simple way you can access them, absolutely free.

1. Safe space

To really allow yourself to process emotions, you need to be in a “safe space”. Physically, you need to be able to relax and know that you’re not under threat, and won’t be disturbed, so that your body can fully relax. And it’s also important to have enough time to get into the process, without being called away to work, parent, or otherwise be a “grown up”. Switch off notifications, close the door, and let others know not to disturb you.

2. Time away from the everyday

Time to delve into your emotions needs a distinct space from all the other demands of your life. Giving yourself the space to hold your feelings acknowledges how important this is. Just as a massage or exercise class might tend to your body, this is an important aspect of supporting your emotional health. Prioritise it, make space for it, and allow yourself to acknowledge everything you’ve been through.

3. Tools to help you work through emotions

There are many different tools you can use for feeling and processing emotion – and a skilled professional will be able to share the ones which will be most effective for you. At One of many we have a host of resources to help women process their emotions healthily – and I’ll share more about our upcoming workshop, which is free to join, in a moment.

4. Support from a competent guide

This might be a coach, counsellor, healer or trainer – you might do this as part of a group or 1:1. Emotional work can be really challenging to do by yourself, and if you have an experienced guide to lead you through the process you’ll be able to more fully release the stress you’ve experienced and trust that you’ll feel freer at the end.

You’re invited to start the healing process together

We’re acutely aware that thousands of women in our community and beyond have been shouldering a huge amount during this extraordinary year. Our submission to the Parliamentary Women and Equalities Committee here in the UK revealed how disproportionately women had been impacted by Covid-19.

And now, as time passes and our challenges and experiences morph and change, we’re hearing the need for support to heal, grow, and reconnect to our energy to be a force for change in the world.

Momentum for Change is a 2-day interactive virtual experience happening on 19–20 September.

We’ll be gathering as a global community of women to create a safe space where we can start this healing work together.

It’s going to be an incredible space for transformation, with amazing guest speakers, interactive workshops, and sessions to address the many and varied challenges we’re facing – from our careers to our wellbeing.

Registration is FREE and we’re committed to inviting as many women as we can to this very special gathering. Please forward this article to anyone you know who’s been experiencing the stresses of the past year, and would love to join us.

Click here to book your place now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to deal with your emotions

August 13, 2020 By Annie Stoker

About
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Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Why do we find emotions so difficult to handle?

If we try to avoid some emotions that we don’t like, they are bound to come back to us later, because all emotions simply want to be expressed. After all they are just energy in motion and emotions naturally bubble up inside us, get expressed and then leave. However, if we try to interrupt this process we can bring all sorts of problems upon ourselves.

When you don’t know how to deal with your emotions it’s often the avoidance strategies that cause you most problems – not the emotions themselves.

Here’s what I mean.

Every feeling that gets generated has five parts as follows:

The thought about the situation
The resulting emotion
The way we perceive the emotion and the meaning we ascribe to it
The way we feel about that meaning
The way we respond to the emotion

Our response to an emotion often has a greater impact than the feeling itself.

No-one has ever died of an emotion!

Many people have died as a result of not managing their emotions but instead turning to substance abuse, addictions and dangerous behaviour.

If emotions are suppressed for long enough they can also cause havoc on a physical level by contributing to diseases and physical symptoms. As long as we do not want to experience a set of emotions and want to avoid them at any cost, the fact remains that someday, we will find ourselves facing those emotions at such an intensity that all our energy, willpower and control will be washed away trying to overcome them.

Here’s how to discover your emotional preferences

Try the following exercise:

Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.

On one side of the line, list out the emotions that you like and want to continue to experience in life:

Now, on the other side, list out the emotions that you dislike and want to avoid.

Once you complete the above two lists, you will see that there are a few emotions that you like (for instance: happiness, love, joy, excitement, etc) and probably a lot more other emotions that you don’t like (for example: sadness, anger, fear, hurt, disappointment, hate, jealousy, inadequacy, shame, confusion, doubt, rejection etc).

It is very common for people to have fewer emotions that they like and a large number of emotions that they don’t like.

What this means is that when we think about how to deal with our emotions, we often focus on trying to manipulate life in order to avoid the ones we don’t like.

For example if you’re afraid of rejection, you may then avoid speaking in public, getting into relationships, being noticed at work, making mistakes, speaking your mind etc.

We can run our whole lives trying to avoid emotions we dislike.

Introducing… Emotional Allergies!

Sometimes, we become so allergic to particular feelings, due to intense experiences of them in the past, that we will do anything to avoid them.

Even if it means missing out on things we actually want.

But being aware of what emotions you like and what emotions make you cringe is important for ensuring emotional freedom.

After all, what do you think is more logical: running away from something that is bound to occur, or trying to find a way to accept something that may be uncomfortable but is going to happen anyway?

Once you know this then you can challenge yourself to remain open even to the ones you like least. After all, they are part of being human and are guaranteed to turn up at some point in your life.

How to deal with your emotions

Instead of trying to run away from them and avoid all the situations that you think could possibly cause them, why not ask the more intelligent question of “How can I accept them?” instead?

Eventually, with practice, you’ll find emotions are no longer your enemy. They become part of your life, and your emotional landscape gets more colorful and interesting.

Learning how to deal with your emotions is not about liking or disliking a particular emotion, it is about just being open to all kinds of emotions. In the end you don’t mind what you are feeling – it is all welcome.

As long as we are willing to experience all kinds of emotion for whatever duration, the more easily they can flow through us. You’ll find they actually disappear pretty quickly when you let go!

So choose to be willing, don’t make emotions mean anything (they don’t – they are just sensations) and just let them flow through you without resistance.

Developing emotional intelligence

We develop emotional intelligence when we are able to feel all our emotions and accept them for however long they hang around. A conscious effort to face all kinds of emotion without using any strategy to avoid them plus the willingness to experience all the sensations of every emotion, will ultimately lead to freedom.

If you are open to experiencing any and all feelings, then there is actually nothing in life you need to be afraid of anymore.

You are just open, present and accepting of whatever happens outside and whatever you feel inside.

Over to you

How about you? What emotions do you feel habitually, and which ones do you try and avoid at all costs? “Mapping” your emotional landscape like this can be a really fascinating exercise – we’d love to know what comes up for you. Leave us a comment and let us know!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Guest post: 5 ways to feel empowered about politics

August 6, 2020 By Sara Price

About
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Sara Price

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author.

#1 Understand the system

Politics can often feel like a private members club that you are paying for but are excluded from. It is a club populated by cliques, speaking a language filled with confusing jargon and running processes and procedures that seem convoluted at best and downright diabolical at worst!

To wield influence, to hold politicians to account, to create opportunities to have your say, you need to clear away the confusion and develop a solid understanding of how the system functions.

One of the fastest routes to failure is to take action inside a system that you do not understand. So get informed: do a course, read a book, speak to experts – make sure you know enough about your political system to know where the entry points are and how you might be able to influence it.

#2 Learn the language

Visiting a country where you don’t speak the language can sap your confidence and make you feel vulnerable and excluded. But often, it’s just a question of learning a few key phrases: being able to say please and thank you and ‘do you speak English?’

You don’t necessarily need to be fluent but if you know enough to get by you will feel more comfortable and more confident when travelling.

The same applies to politics. The language of politics is full of jargon and I know many people who avoid talking to politicians or about politics because they don’t understand the ‘lingo’. My advice: just treat it like any other language and spend some time learning a few key phrases.

But also, don’t be afraid to ask people to explain what they mean ‘in plain English’. If you are talking to a politician or official and you don’t understand what they are saying, there is a responsibility on them to explain more clearly. Remember, they work for you.

#3 Understand how policy is made

All political systems have – sometimes arcane – procedures for initiating, discussing and deciding on policy and legislation and it helps to have at least a superficial understanding of how this works.

Here’s a rule of thumb: by the time a draft law is being voted on in the legislature, the Government has already put a huge amount of time and effort into it and is unlikely to want to change it a great deal. So, if there’s a policy you are passionate about, you need to get involved way before it gets to that point. And that means understanding the processes used to develop policy BEFORE it becomes legislation.

#4 Stay informed

If you want to engage and influence the policies that interest you or you want to hold your representatives to account for the decisions that are making, it stands to reason that you need to stay informed.

Every country and every institution has its own way of sharing news and updates and so it’s not possible to provide an exhaustive list here but here are 3 pointers:

Watch or listen to the news or read a quality daily newspaper

I know the news can be depressing but if you want to know what is going on in the world then the news is a much better and more reliable source than Facebook.

Subscribe to a podcast

There are some brilliant podcasts that will keep you up to date with what’s going on in the world of politics generally. In the UK, the BBC has several:
a. The Week in Westminster
b. Today in Parliament
c. Pienaar’s Politics
d. Westminster Hour
e. Political Thinking with Nick Robinson

Follow your representative

If you want to hold your representative to account then you need to know what they are up to. Follow them on Twitter. Sign up for their newsletter (most of them now issue one)

#5 Take regular small steps

Don’t try and do it all at once. When you first decide to get informed and to engage more in politics it can seem overwhelming. Don’t try to eat the elephant in one sitting. Take small, regular bites. Focus on understanding first; ask questions; find people who are prepared to teach you.

You don’t have to go from vaguely interested to being a prospective candidate overnight. You don’t ever have to be a candidate at all!

But wouldn’t it be empowering just to have a deeper understanding of what the people you have elected are actually up to? Wouldn’t it feel energising to know how to get hold of your representative and how to enlist their help or hold them accountable?

You can do it – it just takes that first commitment to action.

About Sara

The Knitting, Baby-whispering Karaoke queen!

Sara is the Founder of Actually which she set up to empower those who want to make a difference in the world to grow their businesses and their impact by developing great communication skills; overcoming mindset blocks and getting the right support. Sara’s specialises in communications, campaigning and PR – and her flagship training programme, How to Actually Spread the Word, helps purpose-led entrepreneurs, coaches and consultants to step up, speak up and make a difference. She is also a One of many coach and trainer; a mentor with the social enterprise support group Unltd and the co-Founder of one of London’s leading independent communications agencies.

Please visit www.actually.world or email sara@actually.world for more information.

YOUR voices have been heard

June 18, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

When I first discovered that the Parliamentary Women and Equalities Committee here in the UK was calling for evidence about the unequal impact of Covid19 on different groups of people (eg: women; Black and Minority Ethnic groups; people living with disabilities or long term illnesses; people undergoing gender reassignment; members of the LGBTQ community) I knew our community would have a lot to say.

And you did.

We heard from women from all walks of life, across the UK – and beyond.

Telling our shared story: One of many ways we give back

In just six short days, with characteristic generosity, you shared your experiences of the pandemic; your observations on the Government’s response and your recommendations for future action.

You shared your fears, your anger, your frustrations, your hopes and your dreams.

We read and listened to every word of every submission we received.

Your words and your experiences, combined with our own research into the unique position of women in the midst of this crisis, formed One of many’s first ever submission to a Parliamentary inquiry.

This marks a milestone for us as a community. Not only are we supporting each other to learn, grow, and make a difference in the world. We’re using our collective voices to guide our political leaders to the change we want to see – and I am so grateful to everyone who contributed.

The final 33 page submission, including all of our recommendations can be read by clicking here.

I warn you now you may need a tissue. I cried when I first read it. I still do.

The power of our collective voice

Our submission doesn’t just represent the voices of the women who responded with their experiences and their recommendations. It is a vivid portrayal of the lived experiences of thousands of women across the UK.

And your voices have been heard.

Last week the chair of the Committee Caroline Nokes MP announced that they had been overwhelmed with responses to their inquiry. She spoke in particular about the impact on women:

“Evidence shows that the economic impact has been experienced differentially by women – and in many respects, more severely”.

Caroline Nokes, Chair, Women and Equalities Committee

As a result of the evidence they received, Caroline Nokes announced that the Committee would be conducting three additional “sub inquiries” looking at:

– Coronavirus and BAME (Black And Minority Ethnic groups) people
– Coronavirus, disability and access to services; and
– Coronavirus and the economic impact on women.

You can find out more about these inquiries here.

Raising each other up

At the end of April, at the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic in the UK, I asked each of you to imagine the voices of thousands of women speaking up and making a difference, and to join me in making that dream a reality.

I know that the past few months have been incredibly challenging for every one of us. We’ve all had to face unprecedented uncertainty in every area of our lives. Even before this global pandemic, time was our most precious resource.

So I am so moved, and so grateful, to each and every one of you who heeded that call.

And of course, the Covid-19 situation continues to evolve. It’s not the only shift the world is undergoing. New movements for change are springing up, some of them led by women in our community. Maybe led by you. The global uprisings for social justice are making their voices heard.

We’re all making daily decisions, small and big, about how each of us can look after our needs, be a stand for our values, and continue to support those around us. And I know we can continue to support each other through the BeOne community. Because we’re stronger together.

What’s next, now your voices have been heard?

No-one knows what’s coming, of course. If recent weeks have taught us anything, it’s that change is the only constant.

But I can tell you this.

We will continue to raise up your voices. Here in the UK, we will continue to call for a response from Government that reflects your experience during this pandemic. And we will continue to do whatever we can to lead the change.

If you want to join us in informing this important inquiry, you can still make your voice heard by making an individual submission to one or all of the sub inquiries.

You can be the change you want to see.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

One of many women actively standing against racism

June 4, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

“As part of my commitment to get uncomfortable in the fight against racism, I want to start right here.”

These were the words I typed into our community Facebook group this week, knowing that what I was about to write would fail. That in opening this conversation I would inevitably make ignorant, inexcusable mistakes.

But I’m serious in this commitment: I really want to know how to become anti-racist. And, even though I know I’ll get it wrong, my feelings aren’t what’s important here. It’s time to get uncomfortable and open up this discussion – so that we can make our community a truly diverse one.

The power of community – and the conversation we’re missing

Our Facebook group contains almost seven thousand women. And as we train, connect and inspire sisters around the globe I’m endlessly inspired by what we can achieve when women come together. With the impact so many of our grassroots leaders are having in their communities, organisations and families.

But the elephant in our room is race. And white privilege.

We talk about change a lot here at One of many. But we hardly ever talk about race.

And it’s not hard to know why.

Because it’s damn uncomfortable.

We have a huge community of women from many walks of life and from many ethnic backgrounds.

We also have a strong commitment to solidarity.

And yet, for so many white women, our privilege is such a tender, painful and awkward topic to address that we hardly know where to begin. It’s far easier just to stay silent.

Meaning that those who are left to think, talk and take action when it comes to discrimination and oppression, are all too often the women are the victims of it.

While those of us who benefit from that inequality – not by choice, but by the societies in which we live – are the ones who have the luxury of choosing to switch off from it.

Because it’s “too much”.

Can you see how messed up that is?

Soft Power and the fight for justice

Here at One of many we’re guided by the 5 women’s PowerTypes. The archetypes who can help us embrace and learn from even the hardest challenges.

Mother who can listen and love unconditionally… seeking to understand.

Warrioress who can fight for injustice and harness her anger as a rallying cry.

Queen who can see the horizon beyond it all and will do what’s right even if it’s unpopular.

Lover who can take care of herself in the face of it all.

And Sorceress who can work with faith in Source, life, the universe… that knows we are all interconnected.

So what can we do?

With that in mind… and from that place of Soft Power I want to explore racism. And white privilege.

In the past I had thought myself an ally, but the more I hear in recent days the less I feel that I do enough. I have started. I have conversations. I take some action. We’re actively working to make our coaching team and our office staff more diverse, for instance.

But it’s not enough.

Personally, I am becoming vividly aware that I don’t do enough. I don’t do enough to stop racism and bigotry in my wider family. I don’t do enough in our community of caring women where we could really learn and change things. It’s really, really hard for me to admit that. It feels really horrible.

But it’s not about my feelings, as a white woman. And these are things I intend to change.

If you are a white woman: listen, and take action.

Many women have shared some excellent resources in the community over the past days. If you haven’t already, read the posts, absorb the discussions, and be ready to approach our collective unlearning with humility.

And remember this, as we move forward: We won’t get this right.

None of us is perfect. We all are capable of deep care, love and understanding. And all of us capable of grief, anger and fury.

Racism cannot end with conversation alone.

But it must start here…

If you have have experienced racism and racial oppression – you don’t owe us anything.

I am immensely grateful to every one of you who stepped in to express your anger, heartbreak and frustration in our conversations this week. For your patience in educating those of us who are just starting out on this journey. I learned a lot, and I know I’m not alone. We owe you our respect, our attention, and our apologies. And I am sorry for the inevitable harm we will cause as we learn to do better.

Please, take care of yourselves, stay resourced, and step away from discussions when you need to preserve your energy.

Ultimately, this isn’t about me. There are courageous leaders in the anti-racism movement who have been fighting this fight for decades.

The last thing that movement needs is a white woman like me putting herself at the centre.

So I want to end this article with the words of just one of the women who showed up as leaders in our own community this week.

“You can choose to lead either by your active work to dismantle the paradigm or your complicit upholding of it. I would love you to lead with courage and vulnerability and the very possibility that you might do it wrong, that people might call you out, that you may have to feel emotions and reactions that you don’t want to feel.

Do this and it will embolden other white women in positions of power to do the same and perhaps even white men. This is your time to lead with full awareness as a woman with power and privilege.

Lead inclusively, learn, grow and don’t expect black women and people of colour to take on the burden of teaching, increasing your awareness and educating you for free. We and our ancestors have done enough free emotional and physical labour.

We can truly walk together when you show through your actions that you are really committed to change, when you have demonstrated that we are safe and valued as equals in your presence. Beyond tokenism and platitudes. There has been enough of that already particularly in the field of personal development. “ –Monica Douglas

I encourage you to go over to the BeOne group and read through the conversation happening there in response to my post – paying particular attention to the voices of the women who responded so passionately from their own lived experience. Let their words inform and inspire your action.

We all have our spheres of influence. It’s time for all of us to do as much as we can.

More than a social media post; more than reading a book.

My deep hope is that by using the principles of Soft Power, we can create the change the world needs to build a world that’s truly equal for all of us.

How can you be part of that change today?

Here are some resources to help get you started.

Emerging Leadership: How to support the NHS without burning out

April 30, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

Burnout effects those in the caring professions more than any other. Is it possible for doctors, nurses and healthcare workers to support the NHS without burning out? And what lessons might they have for all of us juggling the competing demands of roles we’re passionate about, in high-pressured environments?

During this time of unprecedented change, we’ve been humbled and inspired to see how graduates of the One of many programs are applying the tools they’ve gained. That’s why we’re sharing some truly inspiring interviews with women leaders. Their leadership is helping steer their families, teams and communities towards an emerging future that brings us great hope.

These empowered women are living demonstrations of the opportunity we have to step up and define what comes next. We may be living through lockdown. But though the current crisis brings great challenges, it is also a time ripe with opportunity. In other words, it offers us a choice: To let go of what no longer serves us. To embrace new ways of looking at the world. And to fight for what really matters.

And we hope they inspire you too…

How a nurse has been able to support the NHS during the COVID-19 crisis without burning out

Today, we’re delighted to introduce Anne Jeffrey, a nurse and coach. Since discovering One of many and qualifying as a coach, Anne has finally been able to have the powerful impact on the world she’d been craving throughout her career.

In this conversation, Anne’s shares her journey to the empowered leadership that’s allowed her to respond to the current crisis in a way that not only supports her, but allows her colleagues and the patients they care for to thrive.

Click the image below to watch.

Sharing our stories as women leaders is a powerful way to inspire, connect and motivate each other.

Let us know if Anne’s story resonates with you in the comments…

Emerging Leadership: Starting a business during quarantine

April 29, 2020 By Joanna Martin

About
Latest Posts

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

6 reasons we need community (and how to find it) - January 15, 2021
The secret to rest: Dealing with a “Superwoman hangover” - January 1, 2021
Coaching and burnout: The trap for women who care - November 12, 2020

During this time of unprecedented change, we’ve been humbled and inspired to see how graduates of the One of Many programs are applying their tools to navigate the difficulties we’re all facing. So, over the next week or so, we’ll be sharing some truly inspiring interviews with women whose leadership is helping steer their families, teams and communities towards an emerging future that brings us great hope.

These empowered women are living demonstrations of the opportunity we have to step up and define what comes next. We may be living through lockdown, but even as the current crisis brings great challenges it is also a time ripe with opportunity. To let go of what no longer serves us, to embrace new ways of looking at the world, and to fight for what really matters.

And we hope they inspire you too…

Today, we’d like to introduce you to Wendy McCristal, Founder of The Mental Wealth Company. A graduate of Lead the Change, Wendy has transitioned from working in the rail industry, burning out, and crafting a career that works for her and her clients powerfully. She’s a great role model of compassion and prioritisation.

Please let us know in the comments what lessons you hear in Wendy’s story…

How to stop worrying what people think

March 26, 2020 By Annie Stoker

About
Latest Posts

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many

Why it’s important to stop worrying what other people think

Happiness comes from learning to accept yourself as you are. However, we still have a tendency to base our opinions of ourselves on what others think of us. Many people worry about what people think of them, and suffer a lot because of it.

Can you really stop others from thinking about you the way they do, and does it really matter what they think? Is it going to change who you are or how you act, think, feel and behave?

To get started on the process of letting go of what others think, start by taking a fresh sheet of paper and a pen.

Write down various things that you think others think about you. They might be positive (she’s so helpful!) or negative (she always takes over the conversation). Just be honest – no one else is going to read this.

Here are some examples to help you get started, but you might be able to come up with more of your own:

What do others think about your physical appearance?

What do others think about your talkativeness and your ability to communicate?

What do others think about your intelligence and qualifications?

What do others think of your interpersonal skills, your ability to be friendly and pleasant?

Keep going until you’ve captured the main judgments you imagine others might make about you.

Time to reflect

You have now listed out various things that others think about you. Now, read back through the list.

Spend some time reflecting or journalling on the following questions as you think about the impact this might be having on your life.

How many of them do you find difficult to accept and how many of them do you find easy and encouraging to know?

Does it change who you are in either case?

For example, if someone thinks that you are really intelligent, is it really going to make you more intelligent? Likewise, if someone thinks that you are dull and stupid, does it really make it dull or stupid?

Will what others think of you change who you are or what you are?

Beginning to dig into why these opinions matter is the first step if you’d like to stop worrying what other people think.

The truth about what other people think

What you’ll probably find yourself beginning to realise is that nothing about you can change just based on what others think of you. Of course, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an impact! You might experience an emotional response to what others say or do. But even those emotions are not going to change who you are!

So how can you re-frame what others think of you so that it has less of an impact on how you’re feeling? And can this really allow you to stop worrying what other people think for good?

Here are two key techniques to address judgments that feel challenging:

#1 Realise it’s not all about you

One important thing you have to understand about what others think of you is that their thoughts or what they say is not related to you at all. In fact, what others think or say about you reflects primarily their own tastes and preferences.

For example, if someone tells you that they dislike you because you wear casual clothes, what does it tell about you? Absolutely nothing!

On the other hand, it indicates their dislike of casual clothes, and that cannot impact and change you in any way – you are what you are! If they can’t like you because of your attire, it is their problem and reflects their limitations and judgments; it has got nothing to do with you!!

#2 Ask yourself “is there truth in this?”

Another way to address any anxiety you might have about what others think is to assess whether there is any truth in what they think and say about you, and whether you are okay or not okay with it. Think of yourself as the product and their opinions as your customer feedback, giving you information about yourself. Your job then is to assess whether it is accurate.

If someone says that you are not very friendly to be with, first check for yourself whether it is a valid statement. If it is valid, then see whether you are okay with them having such an opinion about you. If you are okay with it, there is absolutely nothing that you need to do.

However, if that upsets you and you want to change their opinion, you can just walk up to them, and tell them, “Yes, I am not very friendly to be with, and I want to change that. Can you help me with it?”

On the other hand, if you find that their statement is not true, you can go up to them and say, “Look, I disagree with your opinion of me. What behavior of mine leads you to think that I am not friendly to be with?” By asking like this, you are actually helping them assess themselves and their own thoughts, actions and behavior!

So, stop worrying about what others are thinking of you; whatever they think is not going to change you – you are who you are.

Remember that their opinions of you are nothing to do with you…..and everything to do with them!

Would you like some support to embrace who you are?

If stopping worrying what other people think feels like a leap too far, you might be interested in the support we offer to help you find your confidence.

BePowerful is our online coaching program that helps you embrace your strengths and talents, and discover just how powerful you are. The training includes tools, resources, and a supportive community to support you as you release what’s holding you back and find out how you can have more of an impact, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

To find out more, click here.

About Annie Stoker

Psychotherapist. Author. Property Investor. Dog-Lover. Chilled-Out Friend.

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK’s most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.