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Guest blog: How to beat stress: 5 powerful mindset shifts

By

Annie Stoker

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many
Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.
Annie Stoker

Latest posts by Annie Stoker (see all)

The work emergency that only you can fix. The full glass of water splashing across the laptop. “Mum, I need a costume for school TOMORROW!”. Unfortunately, we haven’t yet come across a magic cure for the curveballs life likes to surprise us with from time to time.

What I can share are some simple mindset shifts to help you handle the day to day dramas – and prevent stress from growing from a one-off spike in heart rate to a chronic, and serious, background to your life.

What is stress?

Stress can be characterised as your body’s response to a perceived threat of some kind, whether physical, emotional or mental. It creates a “fight or flight” response that helps us react quickly and effectively when we need to. Think about that burst of mental clarity that helps you meet a tough deadline, or the surge of adrenaline behind your just-in-time sprint to catch your train.

New research has indicated that stress can actually be positive in some instances. In one University of Berkeley study in 2013, rats exposed to moderate stress appeared to demonstrate enhanced neural function and ability to learn. There’s also some evidence that reframing stress as positive – for example, seeing a raised heart rate or faster breathing as a sign of excitement or energy rather than fear – can help mitigate its effects.

But when stress becomes chronic or long term, its detrimental effects are well documented. It’s a key factor in burnout, as well as contributing to insomnia, high blood pressure, lowered immunity, and a whole heap of other conditions.

These 5 mindset shifts to control stress can help prevent day to day stress from becoming chronic. See if any of them feel relevant to you right now.

1. Judgment

Judgment comes from the part of us that makes things right or wrong, good or bad.

For example, you might feel that being landed with an additional project on your plate at work is “wrong” or that the driver holding you up on the way to pick up the kids from school is “bad”.

The trouble is, the way we look at events is subjective – it’s only from our perspective.

What if you discovered that in fact your boss had given you that extra assignment to bolster your chances of a promotion they’re lobbying for on your behalf?

Or that the dithering driver was struggling through a devastating day, just doing their best to stay safe and focused as their world crumbled around them?

Judgment can stop you seeing what’s actually happening, and add a layer of stress that doesn’t need to be there.

Where could you let go of your perceptions and look at the neutral facts, rather than your interpretation of them?

2. Comparison

“Comparison is the thief of joy” goes the saying, and there’s a lot of truth in it. Whether you’re comparing yourself favourably to others, and feeling superior, or feeling inadequate and ordinary next to the shining star on your social media feed, comparing yourself to others is unlikely to be serving you.

Comparison gives us the illusion of separation from one another, and increases our tendency to feel lonely, isolated or misunderstood.

When do you tend to compare yourself to others?

How can you gently remind yourself that everyone has their own challenges and struggles, and that no one of us is more valuable than any other?

3. Issues

When we discover what feels like a real “issue” – perhaps it’s with trust, or commitment, or self-confidence – it can feel like we’ve unlocked a mystery. And to an extent, it really is helpful to get a handle on our deep-rooted motivations and fears.

The problem can arise when self-reflection starts to tip into self-obsession, or we begin to define ourselves by our “issues”. It can be stressful to navigate life feeling as though the issues that trouble us are insurmountable, and it removes our power to change.

How can you acknowledge your amazing resilience, and your capacity to change and let go?

Can you find a balance between honouring and accepting your experience, and moving on from it?

4. Discouragement

Many of us have an “Inner Critic” who can be increasingly loud at times when we’re stressed. And it can really impact our ability to rest and unwind, when it tells us we’re “lazy” or “weak” for taking time out to care for ourselves.

If you notice you tend to slip into a discouraging mindset, try imagining what a really supportive friend would say instead. Perhaps they’d encourage you to take time out, or reassure you that everything will work out.

Or maybe they’d simply tell you how amazing you are just for being you.

Try checking in with their voice instead.

5. Expectations

One of the biggest causes of stress can be our expectations.

You’re picturing a perfect reunion of your laughing family… except your mum’s her usual critical self and your brother still has the emotional maturity of a toothbrush. You daydream of hitting a six figure profit… except your business is just starting up and you’re still ironing out exactly who your ideal clients are.

Coming back to reality can help us let go of expectations that just end in disappoinment. Mindfulness is a technique that we can use to bring ourselves back to the present moment. It allows us to be present to what is, instead of being swallowed up by past regrets or future expectations.

Researchers are exploring the impact this can have, with positive outcomes. One study at the University of Surrey reported a 40% reduction in perceived stress after participants completed an online mindfulness course.

How could you be more present in your day to day life, and less fixated on what might happen – whether it’s an outcome you long for, or dread?

If you’d like some support to introduce mindfulness into your life, take a look at Be Happy Now – a video course to help you put mindfulness into action in all areas of your everyday life.

How do you beat stress?

Stress has been described as a modern epidemic. In the largest known study of stress levels in the UK, a 2018 survey of 4619 people, 74% of people reported that in the last year they’d felt “so stressed they have been overwhelmed or unable to cope”.

So it makes sense that ensuring your day-to-day experience is as stress-free as possible will better help you handle the curveballs life likes to lob at you from time to time.

I’d love to know which of these 5 mindset shifts makes a difference in your life. Leave a comment below, let us know.

About Annie Stoker

Psychotherapist. Author. Property Investor. Dog-Lover. Chilled-Out Friend.

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK’s most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Annie is our Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many.

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Mindfulness: where to start

By

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Mindfulness is the practice of bringing awareness to the present moment, or what is actually happening. It can be easier said than done – most of us spend a lot of our time either processing what has happened in the past, or projecting and planning the future. Here are some tips if you’re curious about mindfulness: where to start, how to come back to being mindful if you find yourself caught up in old patterns, and why it can be such a powerful practice.

Why mindfulness?

Mindfulness has been practiced for thousands of years and forms an important part of the Buddhist tradition, where it takes the form of meditation. Other common ways to experience mindfulness include yoga, mindful eating, classes, and online courses and apps. Since the 1970s, it’s been increasingly used within Western medicine as a way to reduce stress, anxiety and depression.

In the UK, mindfulness combined with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is currently recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) for the prevention of relapse in recurrent depression.

Many people have reported that mindfulness has helped reduce stress and anxiety and enabled them to cope better with the demands of their busy lives.

In the words of our Head Coach Annie Stoker, mindfulness is

“A tool to become totally aware in the present moment, feel radically alive and completely open to your own experience. Not only can life become more vivid, enjoyable and interesting, but mindfulness also brings the opportunity for profound healing of unhelpful mental and emotional patterns.”

Mindfulness: Where to start?

If you’re curious about mindfulness, and how it could have an impact on your life, it’s important to remember that mindfulness is most effective when it’s used as a practice: something you do regularly, ideally daily, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time.

If you’re someone who tends to dive into new ideas you might be tempted to sign up for a week-long retreat, or commit to an hour of mindfulness every morning at dawn. Those things can be great, but can be hard to keep up over the long term, which is how you’ll receive the best benefit.

Here are three ways to start introducing mindfulness into your life.

1. Start with a plan

If mindfulness is a practice you’ve been thinking about trying, start by planning how you’re going to incorporate it into your day.

Like exercise, mindfulness isn’t something that will create lasting change overnight, so think about how you could realistically include it in your life.

Are there particular times when you know you’ll be able to create the space to change into a different mindset?

Here are some ideas for how to bring mindfulness into your day:

  • Get up slightly earlier each day and practice mindfulness in the quiet of the morning
  • If you make a regular journey, like a commute or school pickup, commit to spending some time being mindful at the beginning or end
  • Practice mindful eating for a meal, snack or cup of tea each day
  • Give yourself a few moments of mindfulness before you go to bed
  • Instead of listening to music or podcasts, try incorporating mindfulness into your regular exercise routine: walking, running or yoga

2. Be consistent, not perfect

A lot of us have the impression that the “perfect” way to be mindful involves smiling peacefully to yourself as you connect to your inner sense of zen.

Well, sometimes that can be the case – but mindfulness is an invitation to connect to the present moment and really become aware of what you’re experiencing, both in your body and your mind. Which, unless you’re some kind of saint, won’t always be calm and serene! In fact, you might be experiencing anxiety, sadness, anger or frustration.

The point isn’t to “fix” what you’re feeling, but to become aware of it.

So don’t be tempted to skip a session if you’re not in the ‘right’ frame of mind. The purpose of the practice is to become aware of how you are in that moment.

If you’re feeling stressed or worried, give yourself the space to pay attention to exactly how that’s showing up (hunched shoulders? churning tummy?) for the time you’ve allocated to yourself.

It’s the commitment to pausing and paying attention at moments of tension that can be the most powerful way to change our patterns.

3. Notice what changes

When you’ve started a new activity, there are two benefits to noticing how it’s impacting you: it can motivate you to continue, and it can also show you where you might want to change your approach.

If you don’t do it already, journalling first thing in the morning (“morning pages” as taught by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way) is a fantastic tool for tracking your emotions and recording how you’re doing when you make changes in your life.

Notice if after a few weeks or months mindfulness has an impact on how you’re responding to challenges or upsets, or your approach to what’s going on in your life.

Ask yourself if practicing mindfulness has felt challenging at all, and whether it’s time to make any changes.

For example:

  • Could you change the time you’re practicing? Perhaps you’re too tired at night and it would work better for you to get up a bit earlier so you can be mindful before work
  • Could you set up prompts to help you be more consistent? An alarm on your phone, or an app that might support you if you find yourself forgetting or skipping sessions?
  • Could you find support or training? A local class, coach or online group to answer questions and help overcome the feeling of ‘not doing it right’?

When you just don’t have time

If you’re thinking “I’d love to make some time to be mindful – but I barely have five minutes to myself these days” then it might be time to create some time to nourish yourself before things get too much.

BeFruitful is our signature time management program designed by women, for women – and we promise it will help you find an extra 5 hours in your week, at least. Read the full details and book your place on this life-changing training by clicking here.

Not every approach works for every woman. But unless you give it a try, you won’t know if this is a technique that might make all the difference. With the current levels of stress, anxiety and burnout in women it’s vital that we each find the ways that work best for us to maintain our wellbeing and take care of our physical and mental health.

Have you tried mindfulness? How did you get started, and do you have any tips to share with anyone who’s curious about bringing it into their lives? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

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Guest blog: Mindfulness for women

By

Annie Stoker

Annie Stoker

Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of many
Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK's most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.
Annie Stoker

Latest posts by Annie Stoker (see all)

Mindfulness is everywhere. You can buy books on Mindful Cooking, Mindful gardening, Mindful walking. There are mindfulness diaries and even Mindfulness colouring books! So what does mindfulness for women look like?

Mindfulness has become a buzz word and is being rolled out through corporate, health sectors, schools and even in Government. It is an attention training technique known for reducing stress and increasing relaxation.

Mindfulness for women

Mindfulness isn’t just about calming down and observing your thoughts. Mindfulness is actually about waking up! It’s a tool to become totally aware in the present moment, feel radically alive and completely open to your own experience. Not only can life become more vivid, enjoyable and interesting, but mindfulness also brings the opportunity for profound healing of unhelpful mental and emotional patterns.

How? You might well ask.

Well here at One of many we use the Cycle of Creation as a way of describing how we create our reality. Simply put in any moment, we create meaning about that moment based on our beliefs, values, history, health and ideas about Source. This meaning then creates our mood and that feeling then impacts what we move towards.

This all generally happens unconsciously, which means we often get results in life that we don’t really want. However, mindfulness allows us to bring awareness to this process and to interrupt the habitual patterns of reaction that we have.

Mindfulness in practice

For example imagine walking into a restaurant to meet some friends, but as soon as they see you they all stop laughing. What do you make this situation mean? Do you think they were laughing about you, feel really uncomfortable and walk out? Or do you decide that they were planning a fun party for your birthday, feel really excited and try to tickle them into telling you? Either way the rest of your day will be impacted.

With mindfulness you can become aware of the thoughts you are having about your friends laughter and let them pass by. This can allow you to calmly ask them what was really going on without jumping to conclusions.

Bringing non-judgmental awareness to your thoughts can also set you free from habitual patterns such as self-criticism, negativity, discouragement and wallowing.

Emotions and mindfulness

It’s very powerful to bring acceptance to your emotions too. We tend to have a few emotions we like and lots that we don’t. However, if we take the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ labels off what we are feeling, we can bring compassionate acceptance to whatever emotions have turned up.

Judging and therefore avoiding emotions is at the core of most people’s challenges. If you are worried about your performance at work, you’re probably trying to avoid the feelings of failure. If you’re feeling jealous and trying to control who your partner is seeing, you are probably trying to avoid rejection. If you don’t want to ask questions at a seminar, you may be trying to avoid the feelings of humiliation you’d have if you get it wrong.

By bringing heartful awareness to your feelings you can learn to tolerate all of them. Emotions aren’t actually good or bad. They are just sensations. Some are pleasant and some are uncomfortable. With emotional equity you can welcome all of them, even the painful ones. This allows you to have an empowering conversation with your boss, shine the light of honest exploration with your partner or get a helpful answer to a burning question at a seminar.

This gives you the freedom to act from your heart, rather than from the old fears and patterns in your mind. I actually think heartfulness is a much better term than mindfulness! Bringing full hearted acceptance to your feelings is at the core of self love. And self love, as I’m sure you know, is the key for connecting with your yummy Lover powertype!

How to bring more mindfulness into your life

Here are some tips for cultivating Mindfulness:

  • Mindful Moments
    Set an hourly alarm on your phone and for one minute each hour close your eyes, feel your feet on the floor, notice your breathing and bring all of your attention inside your body to what you are experiencing
  • Practicing Pauses
    Instead of arriving somewhere and jumping straight out of the car onto the next appointment, turn off the engine, pause and fully arrive. Give yourself a minute to breathe, feel this moment before shifting to the next scene change in the movie of life.
  • Body Awareness
    Bring your focus to your right big toe. Take your awareness right inside your big toe and notice the sensations of your sock, shoe or the other toes against your big toe. Next move to your left thigh and feel the clothes on your leg or any pressure or tightness. Pick random parts of your body to pay attention to during your day.
  • Mindful Movement
    Instead of planning tomorrow’s supper when you are brushing your teeth, bring your full awareness to the feelings of the brush against your teeth, the toothpaste tingling on your tongue, the muscles in your arm holding your toothbush. Try paying full attention to every footfall while you are walking, feeling the wind flow past your face and the swing of your arms. Bring fresh awareness to drinking water so that you can feel the weight of the glass, the coolness of the water in your mouth and follow it all the way down your throat as you swallow.
  • Cultivating Compassion
    Send a warm smile of acceptance to all your emotions. Welcome them as a valid part of your experience. Without judgment or labels, gently investigate the sensations of each emotion. Where are they in your body, what shape, what colour, how do they move? Notice what actually happens when you let yourself feel even a bit of them. Does the world really end?!

Mindfulness isn’t just a practice, it’s a way of life. Practice regularly and it becomes a new way of finding peace with what happens in life, joy in the simplest things and a freedom to bring all your gifts to the world. Enjoy!

About Annie Stoker

Psychotherapist. Author. Property Investor. Dog-Lover. Chilled-Out Friend.

Annie Stoker is perhaps the UK’s most educated coach and trainer in what it takes to be happy. She has distilled 27 years experience in diverse psychological and spiritual perspectives into a simple but profound manual for the mind: The Personal Development Handbook.” She has coached influential figures, and been featured widely on TV, radio and in print.

Having experienced not just health and sickness, but also success and failure, marriage and divorce, wealth and poverty, Annie now knows that real growth is not another ‘let’s make it all ok’ campaign. It’s about finding the truth at the core of ourselves so that we have the inner freedom to deal with whatever life throws at us.

Annie is our Master Trainer and Head of Coaching at One of Many.

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Instinct or intuition… can you tell the difference?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

If you’d love to enhance your ability to make the right decisions for your path in life then you’re going to love today’s blog. We’re going to look at where intuition comes from, what it is, what it’s not and how to enhance it.

Intuition is one of our gifts as women. I don’t think it’s exclusively the domain of women but we certainly have natural strengths and talents in this area and I believe the more we step into it the more fruitful, powerful and effective we can become.

Here at One of many™ we have a slightly different definition for intuition than the dictionary. We choose to distinguish between instinct and intuition because we believe it gives us access to a more profound wisdom and our ability to use our faculties as women.

The majority of dictionary definitions describe it as; The ability to understand something instinctively without the need for conscious reasoning. So they collapse instinct into the definition of intuition. Our experience at One of many is that our intuition comes from a different place to our instinct, let me tell you why.

Instinct for me is the body, it’s our heightened senses, the animalistic part of our nature. Our instincts can tell us when something is wrong, so it’s more of a survival drive and is often linked to fear.

However, if you are intuiting something, you can’t do it from a place of fear. You can’t intuit from anything less than a very open place. Intuition for us comes from source, from our connection to all that there is. It’s a very open state and deep knowing, which is usually accompanied by a real sense of okay-ness.

This definition is important because it helps us to utilise our intuition better. One of the most challenging things for us to do is to separate true intuition (which I believe is great for messaging as to whether we are on purpose for our destiny) from wishful thinking (which is what we hope will happen) or projection (which is where we interpret ideas or images through the lens of our own experiences or what’s happened to us in the past).

You want to be able to distinguish wishful thinking, projection and instinct from intuition so that you can actually start to use intuition as a real faculty.

Your higher self knows things that you cannot even conceive of and in those momentary flashes of insight, which we call intuition we can shape whole new directions for our future. It’s such a profound state.

What it’s not!

Let’s look first at wishful thinking. I remember when I was looking for an intimate partner I’d meet someone and think I had an intuition that this was the one. He ticked all the right boxes but then I’d be disappointed when it didn’t go anywhere. What I realised was this was a deep wishful thinking for a lifelong desire to be partnered with somebody which is easy to mistakenly misinterpret as intuition. It was never accompanied by a deep sense of knowing and was more of a frantic thing.

Whereas my experience of intuition is it is actually a very calm place. Not an agitated place, and wishful thinking can sometimes be an agitated place.

Now let’s look at projection. Projection is where we think our intuition is telling us something but we are actually projecting our past experiences onto a situation. I remember working with a lady who was convinced that her intuition was telling her that her husband was going to cheat on her. When he did she was not surprised but when we looked at it what we could see was because she was so convinced it had really altered her behaviour. And because she was behaving jealously and weirdly towards him the intimacy wasn’t there and so no surprises when it did go awry. I’m not saying that it’s right, but it is understandable. This is projection.

And finally your instinct, your animal body telling you something. Often it’s input from a survival standpoint. I remember once being London in a not so nice area and we were out for a walk when we turned into a street and I just stopped and said “We can’t go down here. It just doesn’t feel right.” It felt very fearful. This is instinct. And I will never know whether that was a right or wrong choice. But my instinct told me and so I listened.

Why you need to know the difference.

The problem is instinct, wishful thinking and projection are not helping to guide us towards our destiny. They are either keeping us safe or deluding us. So the only way for us to really be able to use this great tool of intuition is for us to be able to distinguish what it is.

How do you tell the difference?

All of the women who I have spoken to describe intuition as coming with a real sense of calm, openness, knowingness, joy and a sense of connection. There is no doubt, no questioning of it, simply real clarity.

I’m always a little bit wary of intuition if it comes with excitement because it could be a little bit of instinct in there. It is a heightened sense, with no fear, concern or worry around it.

There are many great stories about the power of intuition. It’s said that Einstein had clear intuition around his theory of relativity. And the great scientist James Watson who discovered DNA and the intertwined helix had a symbolic dream of two intertwined snakes.

Each of us has a different way that we relate with intuition. Some people have intuitive seeing; they might see a vision of something or get a picture. Some people are more clairaudient, they hear things; maybe voices or people come and tell them things in dreams.

Dreams and meditation are those times when your intuition can speak to you most strongly. So for that reason they’re the best places to start working on developing your intuition.

I’ve got a really simple 4 step process for helping to develop your intuition.

Step 1 – Get in flow.

There are many different strategies you can use to get in flow. One of the tools I really rely on is the morning journaling that I do. I write 3 pages of A4 each morning, it’s a general brain dump and works wonders. I also love going on soft play dates, these are quiet moments alone with myself. I get a lot of downloads and intuition at those times.

Step 2 – Really listen.

I say listen and that sounds like it’s auditory but what I mean is being really aware and open for the messages. Be tuned in and work through all of your senses. A good acronym to help you remember is VAKOG –visual, auditory, kinaesthetic, olfactory and gustatory.

Slowing down is key to you tuning into your wisdom. It’s really important to develop meditation techniques or whatever works for you to harness the ability to listen with every faculty of your being.

Step 3 – Ask for more.

Every time it happens be grateful for it and ask for more. This is thinking and thanking. At the end of every day if I’ve had an intuitive insight into something I make sure I stop and take time to express deep gratitude for intuition and the solution to my problem or whatever it is.

Step 4 – Get really familiar with your intuition.

Every time something happens take a moment to reflect and really look at whether it is your projection, wishful thinking, instinct or actually your intuition at work because the more familiar become with it the more it will happen in your life. If you slow down and spend time with it, your body will tell you.

Ask yourself…

  • Is it associated with an open state, feeling of connection and calm or not?
  • Is this wishful thinking?
  • Am I projecting or is this an instinctive thing?
  • Is it an image or sensation from my past?
  • Have I seen this somewhere in a book or on TV?
  • Does it have anything to do with my fears or worries?
  • How much do I wish that this was the case?

Remember if any of those things are triggered then it might not be intuition. If you feel conflicted at all as to which it is, then don’t act on it. Simply don’t do anything and the universe will give it to you again if you remain aware. She’ll keep tapping you on the shoulder until you step into it. So if you’re not sure where it’s coming from then it’s best to do nothing and ask for further clarity.

What things do you do to get in flow? Be sure to let me know by leaving a comment below.

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How to Banish Confusion: Let Your Body Be Your Guide

By

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

How many times has this happened to you? You have a decision that you know you have to make, but for some reason you just … can’t … do it. You feel paralysed by “what ifs” and “maybes” to the point that you may not even end up making a decision at all.

But what if I told you that actually, you have an incredibly powerful inbuilt compass that you’re probably not even using — your body!

Your body is your best compass

I believe that our bodies, these uniquely human instruments, are compasses to help us find our True North, that ultimate destiny or highest path. But because so many of us are so disconnected from our bodies and intuition, it can be hard to recognise it when it’s talking to us and guiding us.

Often, our body speaks to us in the form of hunches and little fleeting insights. You know, that feeling of “Yes, go for it!” or that little nudge of “Better not…” And by listening to your body and using it as your compass, you can get a really clear indication of whether you’re walking your highest path or not. This is not to say that it will always feel super secure or even seem like you’re on the right path — but it always makes sense in retrospect.

Ignore it at your peril

But if you continue to ignore your body and what it’s saying, it doesn’t get quieter. In fact, it’s just the opposite: it will start talking to you louder and louder until eventually you start to listen! Take me for example. A few years ago I was doing loads of speaker training events, and I was starting to have this sneaking feeling that I needed to have a break from it. But I ignored that and pushed through … until out of nowhere I started getting heart palpitations. The craziest part was, as soon as I decided to stop doing the speaker training events, the palpitations stopped, and they haven’t shown up since.

Sometimes the fastest way forward is back

Now, one thing you’ll often notice when you start listening to your body compass is that sometimes it will be telling you to do things that seem totally crazy. Sticking with the compass metaphor, it’s like you’re trying to go North but your body compass is saying to go South-East. But what I’ve found over and over again is that a lot of times these apparent “diversions” are actually exactly what you need so you can go forward with the best resources, energy, or timing. So don’t discount your body compass just because something seems a little strange; it might be just what you need.

Four steps

OK, so let’s get into this a little more practically. How do you actually listen to your body clock? The first step is to simply slow down. We’re all so disconnected, running around in headless chicken mode, that we often don’t take the time to listen to our bodies. So the first thing you need to do is to slow down and become aware of your natural yearly, monthly, and daily energy cycles.

Once you’ve done that, you can start looking for blips in the system. These are times when you normally are really high energy, but for some reason you’re just not feeling it. A lot of times this is a sign that there’s something off about what you’re doing, or something that needs to change for you to be OK.

Thirdly, listen to your emotions. They are one of the most critical ways that your body communicates with you about your relationship to your  mission, your True North. Look for the message behind each emotion. For instance, anger is usually a sign that someone has crossed a boundary. Hurt is a sign that you’ve lost something, and it often means that you should look to your expectations. Fear is a great emotion for preparation — it’s that reptilian part of the brain that says, “Are you prepared? Is everything ready?” And so on…

Finally, pay attention to your health. Ill health could be a manifestation of unlistened-to messages over a long period of time, and it’s a good reminder to think about anyone you need to forgive, something you need to let go of, or simply that you need to slow down.

Your turn:

Over the next two weeks, I want you to get into living in your body. Just spend five minutes, every day, feeling into your body. Feel the aches and pains, the energy level, your emotions, your health, and just take note of it. Start to look for cycles, and from there, for blips.

Why not try it right now? Take five seconds to think about how you’re feeling, and tell me below in the comments!

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The Antidote for Shame

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Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever tried to make a big change in your life (maybe repeatedly), only to find that for some reason, it just won’t take? It might be a problem with the method … but more than likely, it’s because you’re struggling with shame.

Sound crazy? Consider…

In the path to become more of our authentic selves, we necessarily have to become vulnerable. Just think about it: if you’re declaring that you’re going to make a change, the next thing that comes into your head is “But what are people going to think of me?”

You become exposed at a deeper level, which is how you grow into your most authentic self, but which also leaves you open to criticism and shame in the process. Stepping into vulnerability and working through shame go hand in hand.

Shame = control

When you see it that way, it’s no wonder that so many of us have such n intense “allergy” to vulnerability. As Brene Brown talks about in her great TED talk on vulnerability, we’ll do anything we can to avoid feeling vulnerable, usually by numbing out, whether that’s with alcohol, drugs, overwork, too much sex, or anything else.

See, shame is a powerful mechanism for control. When we shame someone, that’s an attempt for us to control behaviour in another person that makes us feel uncomfortable, whether that’s your toddler son playing with his penis in the bath or your dad being rude to waiters.

And so many of us are deeply, deeply shamed as children: although you may not consciously remember it now, chances are that you experienced an incident that was shaming as a child. And because of the way our bodies, minds, and souls experience shame, that incident can still have a huge impact on your behaviour as an adult!

So what’s the antidote?

If we’re going to stand up as women leaders, we have to be able to go into shame and vulnerability. Easier said than done, I know. But there are processes you can use to help yourself do this, all of which are grounded in self love.

The first thing step is simply awareness.

If you can become aware of the shame that you’re carrying around from the past, you can let it go, which can have huge ramifications for your life. The way I normally do this with people is by using a Limitation Release meditation, where you can really go back to the original incident (which is often nothing that you could have expected!)

The second step is to recognise that there’s nothing you can do to control the criticism you receive.

But what you can do is to comfort yourself and develop a level of resilience in yourself that keeps you from getting knocked down by every little bit of criticism. The way you do this? Keeping up a good regimen of self love, which often looks like doing morning writing, doing at least an hour of soft play each week, incorporating spontaneous moments of luxury into your life, and doing your thinking and thanking every day.

Finally, you need to be able to separate out helpful criticism from just plain meanness.

So whenever you’re declaring something to someone else, you need to recognise that you’re about to become vulnerable, which means that you’re probably going to have some shame coming up. Don’t let it stop you from making your declaration, just be aware of what may happen.

If you do get criticism back, then be prepared to hear it all the way through. Don’t get triggered, don’t even think of responding yet, just listen, and then go away so you can have some processing time.

During your processing time, take out your journal and ask yourself two questions: what’s triggering you, and what could possibly be helpful in that criticism?

And since you may be feeling a little raw by now, make sure that you lean very heavily on your self love practices. Draw yourself a lovely long bath with loads of essential oils, take a walk, give yourself a nice hand massage, read over some old testimonials from clients, etc.

Then and only then, come back to the criticism and ask yourself whether it reminds you of anything in the past. Can you see a connection to another shaming incident? Maybe something that came up in your limitation release?

As part of this, write a letter to the person who gave you the criticism in the voice of your younger self. Really let them have it, don’t hold back! This allows your younger self to be heard in a safe way, and you can then burn or trash the letter.

Finally, to round it off, go back and finish the conversation with the person, or, if your shaming incident came from something like a blog comment or social media, just go out there and put out another post. Show the world again that you’re committed to this change and this dream, even though it means you have to be vulnerable, because you know that’s how you can get to the greatest parts of life.

Now, what I’d love you to do is to try a limitation release exercise, recommit to your self love habits, and try the final exercise of separating helpful criticism from meanness with at least one thing in the next week.

Know that I’m cheering you on all the way!

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8 tips how to get in touch with your unique self

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Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

shutterstock_194757584We are at our most powerful when we are able to uncover and fully embrace our uniqueness.

Those of us who have experienced a perfect moment of self awareness know that this is when things flow.  The answers to our life’s questions  suddenly become self-explanatory, and opportunities appear seemingly out of nowhere.

Yet life has a habit of boxing in our unique self.  When we are switching between the many hats wear; business women, wives, mums, carers, peace makers or campaigners, we can lose ourselves. Who we are as unique human beings, in our heart of hearts, is all too often left unrealised.

I invite you to come on a little journey with me today, in search of the most precious part of you. Even if neglected or forgotten, it’s there, patiently waiting for you to reach out to it. So let me share with you the 8 tips I draw upon every time  I feel like I’m losing my unique self in the mayhem of everyday life.

  1. Go back to basics. Focus on what always gets you going. Make a list of activities that liberate the real you. What can you do to tap into that energy more often?
  2. Think of three unconventional events in your life that happened as a result of your own action(s). Remember how you felt at the time of taking that action: exhilarated? scared? determined? rebellious? playful? Bring those feelings back and experience them again. Also, look at the three adventures from the perspective of what came after. Consider how those events changed you, how you grew as a result. Would you be somebody else today if they didn’t happen?
  3. Make a list of five of your favourite books, pieces of music, films and paintings. What do they tell you about your artistic tastes, your dreams and longings? Think of ways you could tap into this creative energy and express your inner world more fully.  Can you do that through a different medium than perhaps you are naturally used to.
  4. Think of five people who inspire you the most. How could you spend more time around them (if alive and within your network), or with their ideas? This may seem counter intuitive at first: how the hell is following someone’s steps or getting immersed in their ideas supposed to help unleash your uniqueness?! From experience, getting closer to your Unique Self is often a consequence of “falling in love” with someone else’s authenticity and using this energy to explore your own values, beliefs and qualities that make you stand out.
  5. Give your Unique Self a name which means something special to you. Mine is Moorita, a Spanish sounding word I’d never heard before (apparently can be translated as “little Arabic girl” that came to me very unexpectedly during a guided meditation session.) It has since become the name of my burlesque persona and, later, a name of my inner goddess of wisdom. Give it a symbol or anchor – mine is a rose quartz heart given to me by a close friend on a beautiful evening. It reminds me to “honour my Divinity”. Make this second identity an exciting secret, and take time to connect with her on a regular basis. Don’t be surprised if the name itself, or the meaning of it changes as your life takes new turns.
  6. Create a mantra/mission statement about your Unique Self to read every morning, e.g. “I respect and honour my originality, it puts me in a place where I can accomplish anything I set out to and make the kind of dent in the world no one else is capable of”. You can also carry it around on a piece of paper in your wallet or in a secret pocket of your handbag to take out and check in with throughout the day.
  7. Think of simple ways of expressing your taste and uniqueness in everyday life: take more notice of accessories you wear, the way your home, and particularly your workspace, should look and feel like to be more “you”. Don’t compromise. You’ll be surprised how little things that reflect the real you can make an unexpected difference in how grounded and happy you feel on a daily basis.
  8. Seek places, environments and groups of people that empower and encourage your uniqueness. If you’ve been to the One Woman Conference, you know exactly what I’m talking about (if you haven’t, book your ticket now!). Seeking to express my own uniqueness, and wanting to help others find their own, was one of the key reasons why I started Unconventional Convention. I created a night out combining excellent content (think TED) with edgy entertainment (think Burning Man). I’m uplifted by the number of initiatives and tribes getting together in the name of supporting one another to stay true to who we really are. Perhaps it’s time to start your own?

 


Paulina Sygulska TennerThis blog was contributed by: Paulina Sygulska Tenner

Founder, GrantTree.co.uk,UnconventionalConvention.com| Speaker| Authenticity junkie| Dirty joke specialist| Burlesque diva| Tango dancer| Who Knows What Next 🙂