One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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What a toddler can teach you about how to manage anger

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If you’ve spent any time with a strong-willed young lady lately, you’ll know how utterly uninhibited toddlers can be when it comes to managing anger. My two year old daughter has no qualms when it comes to letting me know EXACTLY what she wants – and doesn’t want! – right now, with no holds barred. How many of us can say the same? Today it’s got me thinking about what a toddler can teach us about how to manage anger.

It’s rare that we see a grown woman really let rip, and in this video I’m unpacking some of the reasons behind that.

As well as sharing my own experience observing my little girl’s emerging leadership, I’m exploring:

  • Why our cultural conditioning plays such a big part in how we learn to express our emotions.
  • The unhelpful archetype you might find yourself slipping into – and why.
  • A graceful way to strongly express your needs and desires, whilst maintaining good relationships with those around you.

Why little girls never seem to listen

 

As leaders, we need to know how to manage anger – without losing our passion

Historically speaking, many of our global societies are only relatively recently emerging from a time when women had no voice at all. So speaking up, commanding respect and expressing our views is a challenge almost every female leader will have to navigate at some point.

I’d love to know your thoughts – have you ever found yourself repressing your emotions, only to have them burst out at a far less appropriate time? Have you noticed women in your workplace being treated differently from men when they spoke passionately about a subject?

Let us know in the comments below. This is such an important discussion, and I’d love to hear your voice in it.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Can I learn to be a coach if I’ve had a difficult past?

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You know a certain path is calling you. Maybe it’s becoming a coach, or perhaps it’s writing a book, taking a promotion, or starting an initiative. Whatever your big leap is, the doubts often surface when you start to dream big. Will the challenges you’ve faced in the past block you from stepping up to this new challenge? Some of the really common questions we hear from women thinking about becoming a coach start with “Can I learn to be a coach if…”

… I’ve experienced mental health challenges?

… I’ve been through a relationship breakdown – and things are still messy?

… I still don’t feel like I’ve got my sh*t together?

It’s a version of that old familiar phenomenon we know as “imposter syndrome”, and it often boils down to a deep-rooted doubt: “Who am I to think I can do this?”

Here are 4 questions to ask yourself if you’ve found yourself here.

1. Do you need to put your own oxygen mask on first?

First things first, it’s important to make sure you’ve accessed the care and support you need before thinking about being of service to others.

Many of us are well practiced at putting everyone else’s needs before our own. It’s why at One of many, our Soft Power principle number one is “First, replenish your energy”.

That applies to big picture stuff – like seeking help from your GP to manage your depression – as well as the little things (drink that glass of water, lady!).

Just as you wouldn’t show up for a new role if you were so physically unwell you couldn’t function, if you’re currently experiencing mental or emotional challenges that need taking care of, pause.

Get the support you need from an appropriate professional before stepping into a new challenge that will require your energy, creativity and focus.

Stepping back to look after yourself doesn’t mean you can’t go on to become a coach, enjoy a fulfilling new career, or shine as the leader you’re meant to be (any more than taking time off for a broken arm would). But trying to “push through” could do more harm than good, so make sure you listen to your instincts, and ask for help when you need to.

2. Can you reframe your pain?

The archetype of the “wounded healer” refers to someone who takes on the role of healing others by drawing on the pain they have themselves experienced.

When you’ve been through tough times and managed to come out the other side, you’re often able to access a profound empathy and depth of understanding.

We often give ourselves a hard time for times when life hasn’t gone well, or feel shame about things we wish we’d handled differently.

But as our own coaching graduates come to recognise, it can actually be those hardest experiences that enable us to help others through their own pain.

In the words of One of many in-house coach Jane Lewis,

“Most of the greatest coaches I have come across have gone through a journey and done a lot of work on themselves. I have been coaching over 20 years, but going into it I was coming out of clinical depression and burnout.” – Jane Lewis

3. Have you got the training and support you need?

Just having been through a challenging experience doesn’t on its own qualify you to help someone else through it. To know you’re going to do a great job in any new role, you also need to have the right support in place.

For coaches, that means ensuring you’ve undertaken rigorous training that means you’re clear about how you’re able to deal with your own “stuff” and have the tools you need to support clients. Are you clear about the support you need, and how you’re going to manage if a client shares an experience that might be triggering for you?

In a new role, it could be finding a mentor or asking an employer to invest in leadership coaching to support you to meet any challenges and make the most of the development opportunity.

Setting yourself up for success means making sure the support is there before you need it – especially if you’ve found yourself in burnout or overwhelm in the past.

4. Does your experience give you a key to your own specialism?

For many coaches, deeply experiencing a difficulty gives them a clue as to where they are able to best be of service in the world. Thea is a “recovering perfectionist” who now works with other women struggling with self-doubt, negative chatter, or constant striving for perfection. She says:

“The best thing about the ups and downs that I’ve been through is that now I know all the nitty gritty details of the journey from self-doubt to self-confidence, from depression to happiness. Being able to see the same patterns in my clients and help them let them go is incredibly rewarding for me.” – Thea Jolly

With time, your challenges can become your biggest strengths as you begin to understand how they’ve shaped you into the unique, powerful and perfectly imperfect leader you are today.

And in the words of Anna, one of our recent coaching graduates:

“I see the things I have gone through as one of my greatest strengths – they made me into who I am today. It shapes my coaching practice and how I show up in the world” – Anna Louise

How about you?

What experiences have shaped and guided you – and how have you been able to turn your biggest challenges into sources of strength? If you can relate to this, we’d love to know your story – celebrate and share in the comments!

Curious about coaching?

If you’re interested in finding out more about One of many Coaching Certification, take a look at our free online training: The Secret to Coaching Women.

In it I share some really valuable tools you can use straight away if you coach, manage or lead women – and introduce you to someof the key distinctions that make our certification differet from any other.

Click here to register for the free workshop now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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One of many Voices: Valerie Schlegel Stettler

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As a former stockbroker and self described “modern witch”, Valerie Schlegel Stettler is a living example of the many different facets women leaders can embody. Today, the One of many Certified Trainer and in-house coach shares her journey to authentic leadership on her own terms, as well giving us a peek into her daily routine…

What do you do?

I’m a leadership coach, facilitator and holistic mentor for women. My focus is helping women take their place in the world for the benefit of all genders. I work with clients on topics like financial knowledge, confidence, inner posture, intuition and joy.

I’ve always been very intuitive and highly sensitive – what I call my “Cassandra Syndrome“. A capacity for “seeing and sensing“ things that I now understand has helped me just as much as it has scared the hell out of me when I was very young! I often had a sense of what was right and (mostly) used it to make my decisions, but struggled to explain it in a logical way.

It felt like a part of me needed to be constantly hidden away, that it was not the “right” way to do it and that I could not be “all of me“.

In my current life, I am delighted to be able to use this talent and to help my clients connect to their feminine intuition and strengths to embrace all of what/who they are and to powerfully and happily BE in the world.

I’m honored to be a One of many Trainer and in-house Coach. Currently based in Germany, I interact in three languages (English, German and French) and I am looking to grow a local One of many community there.

Give us the big “why” you do what you do?

I was born in a feminist family and was told that I could do anything I wanted to… and so I did!

Before I was 35, I was a managing director at a leading investment bank responsible for a global trading and sales business.

I was working crazy hours and eventually nearly burned out. During this time, I had difficulties conceiving which is not so surprising when you experience that amount of stress and I eventually resigned and left the industry.

I was rewarded with two beautiful children AND this still left a bittersweet taste, as I would have liked to truly have the choice. It also left long-lasting “impressions” on me, at soul and body level. Even after becoming a coach, I would not intervene in financial services, “fearing” what I was projecting as a destructive energy there.

It took release work to lose that fear, and to see the advantages that I was bringing when I allowed myself to facilitate in these environments that I know so well.

This is why I accompany women and also pass on the message to men and companies that it is important to allow for a change in the way women do what they do.

It’s also why I was so happy when I discovered One of many. One of many has created such useful tools along with an amazing community of like-minded women. Through the training and deep work, I am living my life at a higher intensity without needing to make up some drama to feel alive. Today, I am truly playing with many keys on the piano and it is fun, powerful, full of love and sustainable!

What’s your daily routine?

Each day is a bit different depending on whether I’m facilitating at a company, speaking, delivering a workshop or coaching virtually from home.

My children are almost grown up now, so the morning routine has become pretty simple. On my part, I get up and do my morning pages. This is part of my daily routine and I miss it if I skip it for a couple of days. I observe my brain getting too full and I become unsettled.

I then take my dog for a long walk, shower, and make a point of being at my desk (I work from home) by 9:00 am. I take a break at lunchtime to eat and nap and often go for a shorter walk before getting back to work. I coach 2-3 times a week in the evenings as this is my clients’ preferred time – so I make sure to have replenishing time during the day.

What demands do you balance every day in conjunction with your work?

My main “balancing act” is with myself! As I work from home, I have to be very conscious to separate working hours from family hours. I have to develop all sorts of strategies to preserve my working energy mode. It starts when I go to the bathroom and the cat comes purring because he would love a cuddle or some food 🙂 I am now planning on renting an office space, just to increase my concentration and productivity.

How do you juggle all the demands on you?

I have a husband who is absolutely pro-woman, and we share all life admin chores. That was an essential quality for me in a partner, so I probably scared away those who would have wanted it a different way 😀

What I’ve found to be rare unfortunately, but so important, is that beyond loving me, he has always been very supportive and proud of my professional accomplishments. It is probably our secret: we truly admire each other’s successes as much as we support each other when the going gets tough.

How do femininity and Soft Power feature in your business/career?

In my corporate time, I forbid myself to show my feminine side because I wanted to be taken seriously for my work and not for my boobs. That was as exhausting as reductive.

Now, the more I practice being in the PowerType energies the more I feel femininely strong and beautiful.

It gives me a lot of confidence, in a cheeky way and this is important at all ages of course but going now through menopause, becoming a crone, it helps me own it.

I decided to let my hair grow grey naturally a couple of months ago, and not cut it short. It is going to take about three years until the color is grown out. I’m embracing that period as a time of metamorphosis. Just as puberty, you don’t fall into it within weeks. It is a long process and if you let it, a beautiful one.

For me, it is more than just appearance, it is taking a stand to encourage others. A twinkle of the eye: “I see you sister!”.

Do you think people around you (on social media, and face to face) understand who you authentically are?

I love encouraging my clients to see and embrace “all of them“. You are much more than just a mum, or just a lawyer or a banker, or just a woman loving woman or just… the list goes on. We are so many things and this is what makes us so unique. It actually feels so good to be able to show all of oneself, to love all of oneself, to leverage all of oneself…

That can be hard to do “on paper” such as when writing a website, (as I am at the moment!) or on social media.

On the other hand, I also believe people see a lot more of you than you think. I once experienced a training exercise in which people were asked to describe what they saw in you after just a day and a half spent together (we were strangers before). I was amazed by how accurately they described me and how clearly I could describe them!

And this is why it is good and important to be authentic and to allow oneself to be vulnerable – because people see it anyway 😉 Vulnerability is like a little door to our true self, to our heart, where we are good by essence. When we do open that door to others, we allow them to do the same to us.

Do you exercise your #righttobesoft in your workplace? If so, how?

Yes, all the time. I am in soft power when I coach, interact or speak. I do a lot of embodiment which requires me to be in the energy of the PowerTypes, and I love doing this. My clients get so much out of this exercise.

With time, I am more and more consciously connect with the PowerType I want to be in. A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a person I wanted to get to know “beyond the surface“ because she is responsible for a business that might potentially impact mine. I consciously deeply connected to my Lover energy and within minutes she was relaxing and opening up and that allowed me to better judge whether or not I wanted to be involved.

What’s one “breakthrough” you have had in your life, that shifted the way you saw things – how did it impact those around you?

A big breakthrough for me was to become a coach. It finally gave me the tools to do what I was doing naturally for years already. It showed me that I could work WITH people and not AGAINST them. In investment banking, it feels like it is always “you against the rest of the world” (the benchmark, your fellow traders, the market, the competition,…). AND it allowed me to use that so important part of me, my intuitive sensitive part.

 

Thanks so much, Valerie!

About Valerie

Modern witch | Numbers whisperer | Hippo collector

To find out more about Valerie and connect, click the links below:

Facebook page: Full You With Joy

Website: www.valerieschlegel.com

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How to get back on track

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Is it time to reconnect with yourself and what motivates you? Maybe you’re returning from a gorgeous unplugged holiday, passing a milestone like a birthday or preparing for a new phase after retirement, redundancy or maternity leave. Or it might be a more subtle nudge – a sense that life’s starting to feel a little stale, or the path you’re on doesn’t feel as exciting as it once did. Today I want to share what I’ve learned about how to get back on track, and share a simple 4-step process you can use whenever you need to plug back into your motivation.

Often, when you feel like you need a “fresh start”, the temptation is to launch into action. You know the drill: You set some outlandish goals (rising at 4am! 1 hour’s meditation every morning!), write yourself an impossible to-do list, and attack your priorities like a woman possessed.

There are two problems with this.

Firstly, driving yourself to do more and more as a way of avoiding the sense that you’re fundamentally dissatisfied is a bit like turning the treadmill up to a faster speed, instead of asking yourself if you want to be on it in the first place.

It exhausts you, setting you on course to end up frazzled and even burnt out. Paying attention to that little “I could do with a boost” niggle now can save you a whole stack of problems in the long run, when your body ends up forcing you to take a break.

Secondly, it’s not actually very effective. There’s a reason why New Year’s Resolutions are so notorious for barely lasting beyond the average New Year’s Day hangover. When we focus on what we’re doing, instead of why we’re doing it, it’s exponentially harder to maintain motivation and keep going.

So although the “superwoman” within might balk at the idea of taking time out to dig into what really matters instead of just blindly getting on with things, this might actually be the most productive thing you can do with your time. It’s the process I use at the start of every year and whenever I need to reconnect to a fresh energy. Quite simply, it’s how to get back on track.

How to get back on track – the 4 step process

#1 Write down your values

If you’ve been in our community a little while, or you’ve been on a One of many retreat, you’ll already be familiar with your values. But it’s still worth checking back in and asking yourself the simple question: “What’s most important to me?”

If you’re not familiar with your values, they’re one word or short phrases which describe the things which matter most to you in life. What’s important to remember is they’re abstract, intangible concepts: things like love, connection, mastery, influence or service. (The shorthand we often use to check whether something’s a value is “you can’t put it in a wheelbarrow!”)

Your values provide your upfront motivation in life – if you do something, it’s because consciously or unconsciously you believe it’s of value.

So take 15 minutes or so to write your list of the things which matter most.

Next, go through your list and do a quick edit. Group together any which feel really similar so that you have a slightly shorter list, of up to 10 key values.

When you have your most important values, it’s time to number them in order of importance.

If you could only express one value in your life, what would that be? That’s your number one. And so on, until you’ve given each value a number.

A note if you’re a perfectionist: It goes without saying that this is an exercise that’s just for you. There’s no magic formula which will give you the “right” answer, so try not to overthink it too much!

#2 Where’d all the time go?

OK, so you’ve spent some time looking at your values and you’ve figured out how you’d like them to look in an ideal world. Hopefully, you’ve created a vision that makes you feel GOOD. If you spent each day with those values guiding you, you’d be fulfilled, happy and feel on track.

So what’s happening right now that means you don’t feel that way?

Time to play detective.

And here’s the thing – we’re actually, most of us, pretty bad at guessing how we spend our time. So I recommend a forensic approach. For as long as you can – a week is ideal – set a timer on your phone for 15 minutes and when it goes off, jot down what you’re doing.

That might sound like a lot, but the insight you’ll gain from tracking a week of how you spend your time is absolute gold when it comes to working out why you’re feeling a little “meh” about life.

Because the second part of this time-tracking phase is to note down the value that’s behind each activity.

The beauty of tracking your time in such detail is that you really get to figure out what drives you for even the smallest detail of your day.

A quick example: when I last did this exercise, I found myself wondering what need my daily showers met. Was it cleanliness? Professionalism? Approval?

No, actually, I realised that the value that lay behind my morning shower was vitality. Those precious minutes wake me up and leave me feeling energised and alert for the day ahead.

So get stuck in, and be honest! Some of your answers might surprise you. 

#3 Journal about what you discover

This step is one which you’ll probably be itching to get to after you’ve completed your values list and your time audit. You can really discover some fascinating insights when you compare and contrast your two lists.

Perhaps – like me and my showers – you’ll be surprised to find the elements of your day which do align with your values, and feel grateful for those pockets of real fulfilment.

This is a great opportunity to practice conscious gratitude, whether it’s the love you’re expressing as you scrape your kid’s porridge off their bib or the service you show to your team when you respond promptly to their questions.

You’ll also find activities where there’s a gap between your values and how you spend your time.

Are you wasting your days at a job you’re really only at for the approval it’s winning you, or showing up for an exercise class you don’t enjoy because you’re “committed”? Then it’s time for step 4…

#4 Work out what needs to change

When you spot a gap between your “ideal world” list of values, and how you’re spending your time, it’s time to start thinking about what changes you need to make.

Sometimes just getting that awareness is enough to make changes.

You can start to make choices about activities you want to let go of, and things you want to get more of – in a far more powerful way than selecting activities on an arbitrary basis.

If you’ve noticed that there seems to be a lot of unconscious patterns at play, or drivers like fear or approval that are pushing you towards activities which don’t feel fulfilling, we’d love to help.

Click here to book in a call with one of the team and we can explore what mightbe going on, and whether one of our retreats or programs could help.

Enjoy the journey

If you’ve heard the old adage “it’s about the journey, not the destination” you might have found yourself wondering how that’s possible, when times are tough. Connecting to your values is the answer. If you understand your life values, you can start to feel more fulfilled in your every day, no matter what’s going on around you.

I’d love to know your values, and how much you feel your daily life is currently aligned with them. Share your top 5 in the comments!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to find more energy

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Ask me how to find more energy so you can focus on the things that really matter to you, and the answer I give might surprise you.

At One of many our Soft Power principle number one is “First, replenish your energy” – and as a doctor, you might expect me to advocate eight hours sleep a night, regular exercise, or an energy-boosting diet.

Those things are all great. But most of us are already doing our best with them. There’s a more powerful question to dig into if you really want to shift the way we’re able to show up for the causes we love.

Where are you losing your energy?

For most of us, there are two big areas where we find ourselves “leaking” energy:

Saying “yes”, and saying “no”.

Let me explain.

Energy leak #1: Saying NO

For some of us, saying NO is costing us a huge amount of energy.

I remember this most vividly from drama school. The school I attended had this amazing motto: “Good humans make good actors”. So as you might expect, as well as the skills training to learn to act there was a lot of personal development type stuff going on.

Initially, I found myself resisting it. Even though I’d made the bold choice to quit my medical career and attend, there was still a part of me that felt really out of my comfort zone. Eventually, I realized that it was actually taking me more energy to say no, explain why I wasn’t going to do something or why I didn’t do it, and to try and hold myself back from the experience than it would to actually just say yes and have a go.

Can you relate?

There’s often a part of us that works really, really hard to protect us from making a mistake, or failing, or looking stupid, or whatever our biggest fear is.

So you might say no to new experiences because you’re worried about failure.

Or about what other people might think – your colleagues, or your partner, or your parents, or your kids. Maybe you’re even worried about what you might think about yourself.

If that’s the case for you, I invite you to ponder this:

How much energy is it taking you to say “no” to opportunities that involve some perceived risk, as opposed to just letting rip and getting it “wrong”?

(The wonderful thing is – you can get it wrong. You’ll learn, and grow, and try again.)

You might be bringing so much energy to saying “no” to things, you’ve lost sight of the fact that it’s actually easier to be a yes. Especially at the beginning of something, when you’re not yet in momentum, yes can be everything.

So if you’ve been saying that you want to start writing your novel, or learn a new skill, or get back into yoga, it might be that one tiny yes is all it needs.

Don’t wait for things to be perfect.

Write for half an hour after the kids are in bed, or stretch for 10 minutes before your morning coffee. Just do what it takes to bring that “yes” energy in and see what gets freed up when you’re no longer resisting.

Energy leak #2: Saying YES

Now, once we start saying yes, then comes the next problem. Because for many of us, when we start saying yes to things we find ourselves expending way too much energy on all the things we’re agreeing to.

Someone says, “Can we have coffee?” You say yes before you even thought about it.

Can you handle this extra project?

Can you take the minutes at this meeting… can you drop everything and pick up the kids from school… can you sort out the car’s MOT

… it never ends, right?

If you find yourself saying yes to everything and ending up completely overwhelmed, it’s time to bring some no in.

You’re showering energy everywhere rather than your vision – no wonder you’re struggling to find the mojo you need to make a difference. 

The simplest question in the world

So here’s what we’ve discovered.

Some of us, in some contexts, need to bring more “yes” into our lives.

Some of us, in some contexts, need to bring a lot more no.

Knowing which is where your discernment comes in.

So here’s a super simple exercise to start off with – this only needs to take 5 minutes, but it can bring you a huge level of insight into where you can tweak things to free up your energy.

Grab a paper and a pen, and think about the different areas of your life which are not currently satisfying you.

You can have a look across a few different areas, but start off with one.

The question to ask is this: Do you need more yes energy or more no energy?

Write for 5 minutes, just freeflow without censoring, and see what comes up.

What would the Queen do?

The Queen is the Women’s PowerType we use to delve into questions like this. The Queen’s always mindful of how she spends her energy, and since she trusts herself implicitly, and knows in her bones how irreplaceably valuable her time and energy are, she doesn’t second guess decisions.

So if you’re finding answering the question challenging, you might want to try stepping into your “Queen” energy.

You could literally imagine placing a crown on your head, try walking a little taller or listen to a piece of music that helps you feel confident and in charge.

Turning insight into action

Once you’ve established the direction your pendulum needs to swing in, it’s time to take action.

If you could do with an extra hand, we have a free guide to making powerful decisions around boundaries that are depleting your energy.

Click here to download your free Enough is Enough PDF guide to creating unshakeable boundaries.

How about you?

Are you the Queen of powerful boundaries, or more of a “say yes first, ask questions later” kind of gal? Share in the comments below – between us all, we’ve got all the bases covered!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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When self care feels like a chore

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When you’re working flat out just to stay on top of your responsibilities, self-care can feel like one more thing you don’t have time for. If your idea of self-love is crossing the final item off your to-do list – and maybe getting 8 hours sleep to celebrate – today I’m sharing 5 simple steps to try. When self-care feels like a chore, it’s a sign that it’s time to go back to basics, and these simple actions won’t take more than a few minutes out of your day.

If self-care feels like a chore, you’re not alone

Given the media clichés of women lounging in fluffy towels, stopping to grab a coffee with girlfriends, or getting ready for “date night”, you might be surprised how many of us struggle to connect with the idea of taking even a few minutes of time out just for us.

In our recent interview with Sarah Jane Volkers, a graduate of our Lead the Change program, she shared that before finding One of many “I was shocked (can you believe this?) at the idea that you might buy yourself a cup of coffee when you were out shopping – you know, just rock up and take 5 minutes to yourself without anyone else to treat or talk to!”

But self-care isn’t necessarily what you think. To understand why, it’s time to introduce an important Women’s PowerType™ – The Lover.

The Lover and self-care

At One of many we use 5 powerful female archetypes to support our holistic approach to leadership. One that many successful women struggle to connect with is The Lover.

If your Lover PowerType is under-expressed, you might find that life feels like an endless round of rules, discipline and obligations. It might even seem as though your days are “grey” or “monotone”, made up of tasks to be achieved and crises to be dealt with. Relationships, especially intimate ones, can feel stagnant or stuck and taking care of yourself or experiencing pleasure probably falls even lower on the priority list.

We often assume that stepping into our “Lover” means reconnecting to our partners, but the foundation of Lover is in your own experience.

It’s the PowerType that allows you to take care of yourself, and experience the fullest joys of life. The Lover finds pleasure in every sense, whether it’s a delicious scent, an exquisite meal or a piece of music that transports her to a different time.

So learning to embrace The Lover is the perfect way to discover your unique path to self-care. It might have nothing to do with the clichés you’ve seen… or you might find that, as you learn to connect to yourself, you surprise yourself with activities you’ve previously sneered at.

Remember, keeping an open mind is vital. When we’re running in “Superwoman” mode we often switch off from the parts of ourselves that aren’t harnessed to our productivity. So even if it feels silly at first, try building some of these suggestions into your daily or weekly routine, and what subtle differences you start to notice.

5 ways to love yourself when self care feels like a chore

1. Find the music that lifts your heart

Music is an incredibly powerful tool to change your emotional state and allow you to connect to different feelings. In just a few minutes, you can start to connect to parts of yourself you might have long forgotten.

Think about pieces of music that spark emotion in you (or ask the One of many community for their recommendations!). They might be songs with moving lyrics, reminders of a different time in your life (maybe when you first met your partner?) or just pieces of music that are meaningful to you in some way.

Dancing is a wonderful way to take the experience to the next level. If you’re not used to moving physically, just swaying from side to side can be a profound thing to try.

Could you find five minutes to play some music, each day? While cooking dinner, on your way home from work, or alone in your bedroom?

Try it: Cue up a song, close your eyes, and see what comes up for you. 

2. Connect to your senses

What do you see, smell, hear, touch or taste during the course of a typical day? If you find that life passes by in a blur, try just simply slowing down.

Maybe you have an opportunity to walk through a park on your commute, take ten minutes to savour a morning cup of tea or snuggle into a soft blanket when it’s time for bed.

Taking care of yourself means finding opportunities to make yourself feel special in some way, whatever that looks like for you. It doesn’t have to mean extravagant shopping sprees or days at the spa.

Here are some ideas to bring your world alive:

  • Choose stationery that makes you smile. Next time you need a new notebook, could you choose one that really speaks to you with a beautiful cover, or textured pages? Or choose a pen that feels really delicious to write with?
  • Rearrange your space: move a favourite piece of artwork or furniture so it’s the first thing you see when you wake up; or display photos of your loved ones to greet you when you walk in the door.
  • Buy fresh flowers for your workspace, every week. Make it a ritual, just for you.
  • Explore essential oils, or find a new perfume, that makes you feel special.
  • Stop saving your nicest things for a “special occasion” – whether it’s your fancy underwear, special mug or a beloved piece of jewellery. Let yourself enjoy the “best” every day, and see how that changes your perception of yourself.

3. Enjoy touch — without pressure

Touch is often the sense we pay least attention to, especially when we’re living “in our heads” as a leader. If you’re in a partnership which feels like it’s lost its spark; spend most of your time being grabbed and mauled by small children or hate the idea of a full body massage, take baby steps.

Are there parts of your daily routine involving touch, that you could stop and enjoy?

  • Brushing your hair
  • Moisturizing after a shower
  • Stretching and yawning first thing in the morning?

Taking a few seconds to enjoy using a gorgeous hand cream, noticing the way the sun feels on your face or giving your feet a massage when you take off your shoes can be gentle ways to begin to reconnect with your body.

4. Be thankful

Gratitude is a practice that’s becoming increasingly popular – it’s the foundation of our “thinking and thanking” ritual, which you can find in your audio library of Soft PowerCasts when you join our community (it’s free!).

But how often, even when you think about all you’re grateful for, do you remember to thank yourself?

One of the simplest ways to begin is by appreciating your body for everything it does.

No matter what physical challenges you face, there’s so much to be grateful for – from your incredible organs, to your trusty hands and of course your amazing brain.

Try whispering a “thank you” to your body last thing at night, or when you glance in the mirror.

You’re amazing!

5. Connect to others

It might sound like a strange way to practice self-care. But one of the ways you can begin to experience life more fully, and understand that your own struggles are shared by those around you, is to learn to listen to the other people in your life in a new way.

“Devoted listening” is a simple practice of staying quiet and really tuning in to what another person is telling us.

You can try it with colleagues, clients, friends or family. Even your partner – someone you see every day – might be someone you’ve not recently taken the time to really listen to.

Here are a few prompts to try:

  • Pay attention to what the other person is saying – don’t be tempted to start formulating your response, or assuming you know what they’re expressing.
  • What’s their body language telling you? What do they really look like – if they’re familiar to you, when did you last see them for who they really are?
  • What emotions do you detect they’re feeling? Are they tired, frustrated, enthusiastic? Without judging them, can you observe as closely as possible?

Notice how many people you connect with each day, and how rich and unique their lives, personalities and experiences are.

Without judging, fixing or envying them, how can you begin to cultivate a genuine appreciation for everything they bring to the world?

Deepening your connection with others can begin to awaken your own feelings, thoughts and emotions. And this element of meaningful connection means The Lover is a powerful energy to draw on as a leader, especially when building a network or inspiring others to join a fledgling movement.

Self-care is a practice

If self-care feels like a chore, rather than a reminder to find and appreciate enjoyment in your everyday life, it’s a sign that something needs to change.

When you’ve been locked in “Superwoman” mode, just taking a few minutes just for you can feel like an alien concept, let alone actively seeking pleasure, joy or a connection to your physical body.

Stick with it.

The rewards – from helping you rediscover the pleasure of relationships, to cultivating appreciation for yourself and becoming a more powerful and magnetic leader – are immense.

How about you?

Have you struggled to make time for yourself, or do you have unorthodox ways to practice self-care that work for you? I’d love to know. Share in the comments below, and let’s help each other to take baby steps towards putting our own needs first.

If you’d like to find out about how we support successful, sometimes a little too-busy women like you to discover a different way of leading, click here to book a call with the office. We’d love to walk you through our different programs and see if we have a training that’s the perfect fit for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to achieve financial stability

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Financial stability is the foundation for so much of life. When your income and outgoings are roughly equal, and you know exactly what your money situation is, you have choices: where to focus your energy; what your next career move is; what your priorities are based on your values. And yet most of us aren’t ever taught how to achieve financial stability.

So let’s go back to basics, and explore exactly what it looks like – and how you can get there.

How to achieve financial stability

If you’re feeling unstable financially it can be tempting to throw all sorts of tactics at the problem. We rush to trim our budgets, fret about how to earn “more” with only the vaguest idea of what our goals need to be, or find ourselves overwhelmed with complicated investment and asset management plans – when in reality, we’d find ourselves derailed by an unexpected gas bill.

Distracting yourself with that stuff keeps you from the real challenge: getting a clear, unbiased picture of where you are right now, and taking responsibility for changing it.

So if the mere thought of looking at your bank statement sends you into a cold sweat, or you’ve ever found yourself saying “I’m just hopeless with money”, I invite you to stop, and take a deep breath.

Getting to grips with this doesn’t have to be a struggle. It can actually be an easy, gentle process and today I’m going to walk you through exactly what it looks like.

The first thing you need to know is this simple principle:

The key to financial stability is ACCOUNTABILITY

That’s it. That’s what you need to embrace. And if that seems too simple, or too easy (Where’s the 25-step plan? The percentages and spreadsheets?), then let’s walk through exactly what’s involved.

Step one: Take responsibility

Becoming fully responsible in this context means acknowledging that you are the one who’s responsible for your thoughts, actions, and behaviours.

If your outgoings are more than you have coming in, it’s your responsibility to make the shifts you need to.

If you don’t know your financial situation, or it fluctuates so wildly you can’t keep track of it, you’re the one who needs to take action to address that.

It’s a principle that the richest women I know follow. But it’s also a mindset you can adopt today – no matter what your circumstances.

Taking responsibility means being fully committed to “owning” what’s happening in your life, instead of placing the cause outside of your control.

A simple way to track this is to begin to notice any time you find yourself doing any of the following:

  • Placing blame on others (If my boss wasn’t so stingy about pay rises… if my partner didn’t have such expensive hobbies…)
  • Justifying your circumstances (It’s the economy… it’s my lack of qualifications… it’s the competition)
  • Shaming yourself (I’m just no good with figures… As soon as I get money I spend it… I’m never going to be rich)

This week, become aware of any time you find yourself blaming, shaming or justifying your current financial situation. That might be in conversation with others, or just as part of your internal dialogue.

How can you reframe those thoughts, so that you can begin to be someone who takes responsibility for how things are?

2. Be accountable to others

When we look at financially successful women, we generally find they’re not only committed to taking personal responsibility. They have someone in their life who they report to when it comes to their finances. It might be a coach, business partner or accountant.

For you, it might be a close friend, your partner, sister or perhaps another woman in our community.

When we lead women through the 10 Week Wealth Turnaround, our comprehensive financial training for busy women, we invite them to be accountable within our online forum and to “buddy up” with someone else on the program. We know that this makes a huge difference in how effective the techniques and tools we teach are.

Showing up and being answerable for the promises you’re making can make the difference between setting good intentions (that quickly fall by the wayside) and starting to truly get honest about what’s going on.

Who could you be accountable to? Your partner, or someone else?

Reach out to them and ask them if they’d be willing to check in with you once a week on how things are going.

3. Get clear on your numbers

The final step when it comes to reaching financial stability is being accountable in the more familiar way we think of when it comes to money.

For most successful, capable women, the biggest challenge isn’t actually earning or budgeting. Those are important pieces, but they’ll come later.

First you need to know where you are: what’s coming in, what’s going out, and what needs to change in order for things to be different.

You’ll need to know:

  1. Your expenses – How much is going out each month. This will include your obvious monthly expenditure like housing, bills and groceries as well as less frequent expenses, from annual holidays to sporadic plumbing bills or house maintenance.
  2. Your income – Not just your salary, but other income like benefits, dividends, interest payments and income from things like rental properties.
  3. Your liabilities – A fancy word for any debts you have. This might be so called “good” debt, like your mortgage, or that high interest credit card you’re trying to forget. Having it all in one place means you can begin to get to grips with what’s going on.

This is an absolutely vital step, so don’t rush or skip it. I know it might sound counter-intuitive. When you’re slowly turning crimson as your card’s declined by the supermarket cashier, or guiltily trying to hide the evidence of that late-night online shopping spree when the credit card statement arrives, it can certainly feel like getting to financial stability just means finding more money – fast.

But without a clear picture of exactly where your money’s going, you won’t be able to make the empowered, intelligent decisions you need to.

A note on fear

For many of us, this third step is the hardest.

Why?

Often, especially if we’re capable and successful in other areas of our lives, we find ourselves paralysed by fear when it comes to looking at data which relates to our personal finances. This can be true even if handling budgets is something you breeze through as part of your business or job.  

If you’re feeling uncomfortable at the thought of gathering your financials in one place, take a moment now and gently ask yourself why.

You might be afraid of what you’re going to find, when it’s all laid out in black and white. You might be worried that you can’t work out a spreadsheet, or that the maths is too complicated, or even that you’re going to be far more successful than you think. (Remember, our fears aren’t always rational!)

If that fear is enough to stop you moving forward, here’s my simple suggestion: Find someone who can do this with you. There will be someone out there who can help you. A friend, neighbour, brother, mum, or your partner. If your fear is going to cloud your ability to do this, reach out and ask someone else to help you through it.

And keep it simple! You don’t have to use a spreadsheet or fancy app. A simple sheet of paper and a pen is all the technology you need to get the clarity that will make the difference. 

From awareness to action

When you’ve got clarity on where you are, you’re able to take action based on reality.

You might be pleasantly surprised, and find that you’re actually far more flush than you think. Your income is greater than your outgoings, and you’re ready to look at the next stage of wealth.

You might realize that things need to change if you’re going to “break-even” at the end of the month. Now you know by how much, and you can probably see whether your expenses have room to be trimmed or it’s time to think about raising your earnings.

Perhaps you’re almost there. Your incomings and outgoings are roughly the same. Getting this powerful habit of accountability in place will be the final piece when it comes to reaching stability. After a few tweaks, you’ll be ready to think about your next area of focus.

Need a helping hand with your money?

At One of many, we use a model called the 4 Stages of Wealth to map financial priorities. Financial stability is just the first stage – and we help busy, capable women navigate every step of the journey.

Whether you’re wondering how to set up a budget that works to starting to think bigger about your legacy once you’ve reached financial freedom, we’d love to have a chat about supporting you to take action.

Click here to book a call with the office and find out more.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Why the climate crisis needs female leaders

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Climate change is perhaps the biggest challenge we’re currently facing as a planet. The scientists have spoken; the technology to turn things around is there.

What we need now are leaders who are ready to make the bold, and perhaps unpopular decisions that will create the change we need.

Whether or not you “believe” the evidence, the level of risk alone should be enough to compel us all to take action.

In my latest blog on joannamartin.com I explain why I think it’s now on our shoulders as leaders, big or small, to turn our knowledge into action.

“Nature gives so much to us. Not just beauty – but life.

The science is clear – our current lifestyle and treatment of her is unsustainable.

And it’s up to all of us: politicians, grassroots leaders, people who care of every ilk – to take personal steps to change our own actions and other’s minds.

We will not get there with only those who are already aware making changes. I believe we have a duty to change the hearts and minds of others too.”

Click here to read the full article – and please, share this with as many people as you can.

It’s up to each of us to do our part.

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How to avoid spreading yourself too thin

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You know when, mid-shower, you realize you left shampoo off the shopping list again – so you try to convince yourself a mouse-sized amount of over-diluted product is going to get you through another wash? So many women find ourselves doing exactly that with our time and energy. We water ourselves down until there’s barely anything left to go around, whilst pretending we’re totally on top of it all. It’s exhausting. So today I want to invite you to join me at my kitchen table, so I can share a nifty distinction I’ve found when it comes to knowing how to avoid spreading yourself too thin.

Why knowing how to avoid spreading yourself too thin matters

The shampoo thing is actually a pretty apt example here. Because when you’re trying to take care of everyone else’s needs – your boss, your neighbour, your mum, your best friend, the friend you’re not actually that close to but who always seems to be popping up on messenger with an urgent request for your take on her latest drama… it’s often your own that suffer most.

It might be that you just don’t have a spare minute to sort out your basic needs: making sure your groceries are stocked up, and your space is organised, rather than being a dumping ground for tasks you haven’t got around to.

Maybe you find yourself skipping your lunch break to help a colleague with the deadline they’re about to miss. Sacrificing a gym session because you’re being “mum taxi” at the last minute. Or staying up past midnight organizing finances for the community association, because they just “don’t know what they’d do without you”.

The cost of “I’m too busy”

When you’re spread too thin, lots of little sacrifices made over time can gradually end up. You might find yourself feeling frazzled, forgetful and exhausted. Your executive function starts to suffer, as you juggle multiple deadlines and demands. And eventually, that stress can take a more serious toll – burnout, exhaustion, and a feeling of chronic overwhelm.

So whether you can’t remember what life was like when you weren’t overcommitted, or could just do with a refresher on how to set clear boundaries, take 5 minutes now to watch this:

Need a little more support?

If you know that taking on too much is a real challenge right now, you might want to take a look at BeFruitful. It’s our much-loved online time and energy management program designed specifically for busy women. It’ll show you how to free up 5 hours a week, minimum, whilst actually making you more effective. And setting clear boundaries is just one of the topics we cover in the easy bite-sized modules, to help you get to the root of your busy-ness as well as learning the practical tools to handle it.

Click here to find out more about the course, and enrol.

Who’s at your table?

If today’s video was helpful, I’d love to know how you’ve created better boundaries in your life. Share your tips below so we can help each other take care of our needs as well as those of everyone else.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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One of many Voices: Sarah-Jane Volkers

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How do the women in our community show up as leaders in their lives, and make bold choices without losing sight of their own needs?

Today we’re settling down for a chat with Sarah-Jane Volkers, who’s opening up about her exciting career transition after 18 years as creative director of the company she co-founded.

She’s sharing the “big why” behind her new business, her non-negotiables when it comes to taking care of herself and the 20-minute activity that always starts her day off right.

What do you do?

I’m currently very happily in career transition! I’m still working a busy full-time creative director role for a company I help set up 18 years ago. We have three catalogue and online brands producing over 40 catalogues a year, which involves a huge amount of product selection, design, photography, production – and an absolute need for good humour and sensitive chivvying.

And the transition? I’m also a trained image consultant and am now combining this with my styling and design experience to help female business owners feel confident in their own style and personal brand, paying particular attention to how that sits alongside and supports their business brand.

So often I see women working hard, building brilliant businesses, confident in their ability to deliver exceptional skills and services yet faltering when they get that hard won opportunity to make that big presentation, or accept that amazing speaking gig – all because they are unsure about what to wear to ‘do the business’.

Developing a signature look can do more than liberate you from wardrobe meltdowns – it can support your business and reinforce your values. You need it to be easy and, most importantly, you want to feel confident that you are still showing up as you. That’s when we can relax, be in flow, do our best work and represent our businesses in the best way possible.

When you head up your own company, it’s important to get the balance right between your business brand and your own unique personal brand. Ideally you want each to reflect and enhance the other, because although you may be your business – your business is not all of you!

Give us the big “why” you do what you do?

I spent quite a bit of my early life feeling awkward and out on the side – with my confidence held back by a slightly eccentric childhood I had a lot of anxiety around fitting in and being seen to be likeable. Through personal and professional experience I understand how successful first impressions can impact confidence, credibility, and sales – both for people and products. Switching the focus of my skills to help others is one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done.

What’s your daily routine?

I’m such an early bird it’s crazy! Mornings are my best time, so I’ve perfected my routine to squeeze as much time out for me before I have to give to the day job.

I’m always up before 5 am and, after rehydration and writing my three “morning pages”, I’m heading out for fresh air. I walk just 20 minutes a day, first thing – before my mind can find an excuse not to! It’s the only way I manage to get out for a walk at least once a day – it’s not perfect, but it’s something. It keeps my mind sharp and my migraines at bay.

Whether in the office, studio or on set I tend to now work standard office hours plus travel either end – a great improvement on my pre-Lead The Change days when life was just work!

I’m truly lucky in that I don’t have to be in the office everyday; I can escape and become completely absorbed in the creative process.

I always take time to prepare good food – I need to eat carefully to manage headaches and hormones – but I make sure I enjoy every morsel.

My major need is a minimum of 7.5 hours sleep – more if I can get it. So with an early start, I’m always in bed by 9pm and if I can sneak away earlier I will!

How do you feel about women’s “lot” these days?

I started my career in print production – hence I’m an organiser and a ferocious scheduler. Juggling is my life-blood, and in a weird way, it gives me energy.

I’ve also spent the majority of my adult life as a single parent of one, or living by myself and therefore my ‘lot’ is MY life – I haven’t had to deal with the detritus of family living for a long time. I do though have to be careful not to become too mechanical about life when things do get busy – my inner scheduler can get a bit carried away sometimes!

How does femininity and Soft Power feature in your life? What does it look like?

Lead The Change completely changed the way I work. I had spent years pushing myself to continually single-handedly achieve the standards I believed were expected of me, even though the business and workload was near doubling year-on-year.

I was acting like a madwoman – think art directing all day in London and then getting the later afternoon flight to Germany to do an overnight press pass, flying back to London in the morning.

Now we have a great creative team, small but perfectly matched skill for skill. Instead of top-down management we very much come from a collaborative stance, and I hope set an example for other teams within the business. Ironically, although the majority of the company is female, we are the only team to now employ two men!

What is the most common emotion you feel on a day-to-day basis?

Empathy. I see so many people struggling with day-to-day issues and I see where I have been and where I could and can still be. We all need to try and be more understanding.

What do you do for SoftPlay? How do you look after yourself?

Soft Play has always been difficult for me – but I do work at it.

When I first did Lead The Change I was shocked (can you believe this?) at the idea that you might buy yourself a cup of coffee when you were out shopping – you know, just rock up and take 5 minutes to yourself without anyone else to treat or talk to!

One of the first tasks I was set by my coach was to go out and buy myself a lipstick… I found that so tough.

So it’s remarkable to think I took a rare shopping day on my own two weeks ago, buying myself a lovely lunch after spending a happy half hour at the make-up counter. It’s not about spending money – it’s about playing, be that time out or learning or engaging or just being. For me sometimes it’s about being messy – I’ve spent a lifetime being neat, tidy and on time – sometimes you have to cause a ruckus.

And yes sometimes I forget – but I try and notice the signs, be kind to myself and get back on track.

Do you exercise your #righttobesoft in your workplace? If so, how?

I believe I’m now confident enough in myself to know I don’t have to act hard to do my job. If I find myself slipping into old defensive ways I always end up apologising.

I’m still learning to deal with the shame I feel about some of my interactions in the past. Knowledge can bring pain, as well as understanding.

What’s one “breakthrough” you have had in your life, that shifted the way you saw things?

Realising that I was good enough as I am and that I didn’t need to drive myself to prove it to anyone. I truly believe it’s made me whole. I’d like to believe it’s had a positive effect on my daughter.

Who do you look up to as a woman?

There are many women I admire, but the one who had a major impact on my life and influenced the way I understood womanhood is Chrissie Hynde – the musician and songwriter.

I worked for her both on the road and at home for 5 years when I was putting myself through university, and she revolutionised my thinking about how you should be in the world. After a sheltered upbringing in the home counties I learned so much from her about being true to yourself, sticking to your values and trusting your instincts. She was incredibly patient and kind to me, then a very shy teenager, and I’m forever in awe of her strength and courage.

Where do you look for hope?

My daughter, her contemporaries and their deliciously positive outlook on the future.

Thanks so much, Sarah-Jane!

Ready to start your journey?

If you’re curious about Lead the Change and would like to find out more about this life-changing women’s leadership program, book a call with the office by clicking here. We’d love to answer your questions and share more about the program.

About Sarah-Jane

Style coach | Obsessive note-taker | Courage catalyst

After over 25 years as a successful Creative Director designing and styling brands, Sarah-Jane is now sharing her expertise to help busy, independent businesswomen define and develop their own personal style so they can confidently represent their brand, without compromising their individuality. 

You can find Sarah-Jane at the following links:

Instagram: @sarahjanevolkers
Facebook page: Sarah-Jane Volkers
Website: sarahjanevolkers.co.uk