Joanna Martin

The truth about manifestation: money, mindset and miracles

December 12, 2019 By Joanna Martin

When it comes to money – making it, managing it and multiplying it – there are an awful lot of myths and misconceptions out there. From the “just roll up your sleeves and make more of it” school of thought to the “visualise and believe and miracles will happen” one, it can be hard to know what to do. Should you be learning about the stock market, or working on your chakras? Today I want to share the truth about manifestation as I see it, and bring a bit of sanity to the sometimes polarizing debate. Ready? Let’s go.

Why mindset matters

As a scientist and a businesswoman, I really understand a lot of the sceptical responses we get when the topic of “manifesting” comes up at the BeWealth retreat.

It can all sound a bit fluffy, a bit woo-woo, a bit “out there” for those of us who are committed to making results through our own intelligence, determination and hard work.

But it’s also true that it’s not only what you do that has an impact. It’s how you do it.

Approach a sales call, a client meeting or a strategy discussion when you’re feeling pissed off, resentful and fed up with the world and the outcome will be very different to what it might have been if you were feeling confident, positive and enthused.

This isn’t anything airy-fairy, it's just being in the right frame of mind to do the right job.

The truth about manifestation

From that perspective, the idea of manifesting, or creating, your reality isn’t something quite so outlandish. And the same thing also applies not only to practical situations you’re in, but things you’d like to see happen in the future.

Ever had a bad dream and woken up sweating, and shaking, and afraid? You're sweating and shaking because of something that's not real. It's in a dream, but your body responds as though it's real. It’s one example of the way your brain doesn’t actually distinguish between fantasy and reality.

Which is weird on one hand, and bloody great on the other. Because it means you can actually harness the power of imagination to create what you want. If you're focusing on the future, and imagining it, you can create results, because your brain goes, "Ah! I know what to do! I've done this before!".

It can work before a big presentation, when you get your energy flowing and your confidence boosted so that you can deliver exactly what your audience wants.

So it follows it can also work for income targets, salary raises and dream clients.

But is it really as simple as visualising what you want to create… and then watching it happen?

The limits of manifestation

Let’s come back to reality for a moment. Because whilst your brain might not be able to distinguish between something you’ve imagined and something that’s real, your bank account certainly can.

(Last time I checked, you couldn’t pay staff, mortgages or bar bills by visualisation alone… more’s the pity!)

Physical manifestation is a combination of the right action at the right time. You do the right things at the right time, having cultivated the right frame of mind, and you’re able to create the outcome. It’s a combination of both.

The truth about manifestation, then, is that its effectiveness lies in balance.

Some people spend a lot of time focusing on their energy. They might devote hours to manifesting, learning about the Law of Attraction and sitting there and just hoping and praying and thinking and visualizing, without actually putting in the work.

And then at the other end of the scale we have the women who are working, working, working really hard, struggling and fretting and stressing out about what they want to happen – and never acknowledging the difference their mindset or energy could be making.

At our BeWealth retreat we talk about “active creating”. One way to think of this concept is as a bridge.

A connection between the physical world - going out and doing your business, talking on the phone to clients, managing your spreadsheets, advertising, and Facebook pages, and all of the things that you need to do... but also having one foot in the energetic world. The area of the Sorceress PowerType, the area of just bringing your energy and your connection with all that is to your manifestation, to making manifest.

Creating and letting go

Women are gifted to be able to create from seed. Whether or not you're a mother of children, as this creator, as this receptive and creative principle, you are that creative aspect.

So, if you can bring that and then bring your intentionality to creation, there's a balance between putting your energy into it and then letting go.

Letting go of the timing and actually also letting go of the outcome.

You might think

"I would love to have my business make X amount of money per year or have this many clients or make this difference, be able to give 10,000 pounds a year to the Hunger Project."

But the approach I've found is the most effective is to say to myself

"Let this be in divine timing. Let it be as life wants it to be and let the outcome be what it's going to be. It's this or something better. "

By focusing your energy on "this or something better", you're not sitting there going, "I have to have this today. Otherwise, I'm going to be a failure." Or, "I have to have this tomorrow because otherwise, I'm going to feel like everyone's rejecting me."

It's harnessing the doing and also harnessing this "Sorceress" energy of manifestation.

Which, when it comes down to it, is simply the fact that we do create things through our emotions and our thoughts and our decisions.

We do it moment by moment, day by day. And if you can find that balance, you can do that in the big picture as well.

That's the place where miracles are made.

Curious about discovering the truth about manifestation for yourself?

There are so many layers to the way we create our individual realities. Your challenges, experiences and talents are unique, and navigating your way through them can be tough.

If you'd like help to find your path and change your financial situation, we have a whole host of trainings and programs that can help. Just click here to book a call with the office and we'll talk you through which one might work for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

3 Lessons for creating success without burnout… from an unlikely role model

December 5, 2019 By Joanna Martin

When you’re used to living life in “Superwoman” mode, it can be hard to stop – even when you know it’s time you learned to create success without burnout. And frankly, it’s frustrating!

Logically, we know that rushing through life, running on fumes, barely making time to deal with our basic bodily functions (gone all day without a wee again?) isn’t good for us. It leads to exhaustion, burnout, and the appearance of the parts of us we’d like to pretend don’t exist.

(The bitch who snaps at her partner when they gently ask us why we’ve taken on yet another project. The martyr who agreed to the extra work while feeling put upon and secretly resentful.)

On the other hand, we’re often able to achieve so much when we push ourselves that it can be really challenging to let go of that way of working!

Why do we stay in “Superwoman"?

Let’s start by thinking about those reasons we often find not to step back from Superwoman.

Take a moment to jot down some reasons, big or small, that stop you from moving to a saner pace.

For example:

Everyone’s relying on me – I can’t leave them in the lurch
People will think I don’t take my work seriously if I block out time for a long lunch
Slowing down’s for people who lack ambition and drive
The only way to get anywhere in life is through hard work and sacrifice
I’ll rest as soon as we’re out of this busy period

These might feel familiar. Or perhaps you have some of your own to add in. What might strike you when you’re looking over your list is that these are actually rooted in quite logical goals.

You want to be effective; you want to help and support those around you; you want to express yourself, make a difference, and achieve your potential.

These are great motivations! But Superwoman mode – pushing yourself, never stopping, and only focusing on maximising your productivity in every second – really isn’t the most effective way to go about reaching those goals.

Which leads me to an unexpected role model for female leaders I recently came across, and the lesson they have for us all about how to achieve success without burnout.

A different style of leadership

Let me describe this leader’s day to you:

They wake at 7:30, enjoying a leisurely few hours to themselves to eat breakfast and read the news. They work from bed until mid-morning, take a walk, and then join family and friends for a multi-course lunch.

In the afternoon they enjoy creative relaxation: painting, reading, listening to music, or perhaps a period of quiet reflection in nature. Around 3pm they return to bed for a long nap. Dinner is another leisurely affair, after which they stay and talk with friends for a few hours.

Then, around midnight, they return to their study when they connect to their “night owl” energy. They might work until 2am – or at busy times 3 or 4 – to write and work.

Now, how does that sound? Be honest – are you finding yourself inwardly judging the person I’m describing?

“She sounds like she doesn’t take her work that seriously” you might be thinking. Or “It’s alright for some – clearly this is a person who’s happy to be a lady of leisure, and doesn’t have much ambition in her life.”

If either of those thoughts have crossed your mind, you might be surprised to know that I’m not talking about a woman at all. In fact, this is the reported daily schedule of none other than Sir Winston Churchill.

Churchill is one of the most well known leaders and statesmen, best known as the prime minister who led Britain during World War Two. He was also a prolific writer. And yet, when we compare his leisurely daily schedule to many of our own, there are some fundamental differences at play.

Let's look at three of the most striking:

1. Rest comes first and foremost

When you might stay up until 2am working, it's understandable that getting enough sleep requires an afternoon nap.

But there are other moments of rest in Churchill's schedule too; like working from bed in the morning, or taking time for reflection and meditation in the afternoon. Rest isn’t something that gets squeezed in after the work is done.

With that long, late session ahead of him he’s evidently confident that devoting his day to leisure and replenishment will pay off. And Churchill’s quoted as sharing this message of prioritising replenishment with others, too:

"We were not made by Nature to work, or even to play, from eight o’clock in the morning till midnight. We throw a strain upon our system which is unfair and improvident." – Winston Churchill

2. Soft play is a priority

Notice that afternoon of reading, painting, or spending time in nature? It’s what we know at One of many as "soft play". Time spent doing things you love to do, not because they’re something you’re paid or rewarded for but simply because they fill your soul.

Many of us really struggle to make time that’s just for us. But Churchill’s a great example of a leader who knew that his “hobbies” helped free his mind and allowed him to access the prolific fluency with which he dictated his books, articles and leadership decisions.

What do you regularly make time for to bring you delight, distraction and enjoyment – just for you?

3. Understand your cycles – and work with them

You might look at that morning in bed, or the restful afternoon, and assume that this is a person who doesn’t get much done. But when we consider that Churchill sometimes worked until 3 or 4 in the morning, it becomes clear that this is someone deeply in tune with their natural rhythms.

You might not be someone who could write thousands of words until the small hours of the morning, especially after a long dinner. But there will be times of the day when you’re naturally in flow, and really able to hit your stride. How confident do you feel to put things on hold when you’re not at your best, so that you’re raring to go when it’s time to get going?

Soft power in action

The quintessential image of Churchill is the “British Bulldog” – a portly, dogged statesman with cigar clamped between his teeth. He's often seen as the epitome of masculinity – the great leader who steered his country to victory in a world war.

And yet these characteristics demonstrate a far more feminine model of leadership. Not female, note. Men can access this “soft power” too, just as women can be guided by a more linear, masculine way of working.

What’s fascinating to note is just how effective, impactful and successful Churchill was able to be with this style of leadership. If you’ve worried that doing things a different way might reduce your impact or curtail your chances of leaving a meaningful legacy, perhaps this might help you think again.

A note on privilege

Winston Churchill was an aristocrat, born into the elite governing class. He enjoyed immense inherited wealth, and lived on a country estate well served by dedicated staff. Although he had 5 children, I doubt that he was the one arranging doctor’s appointments, chasing missing shoes, or soothing chicken pox. And his desire to serve his country was aided by his world class education, stellar network and unshakeable self confidence.

As a white, upper class man it’s important not to overlook the systemic support Churchill enjoyed from birth. But it’s also true that, compared to millions of people in the world, most of us enjoy lives of great privilege too. If you’ve had access to food and clean water; been educated, and have the freedom to earn money and make decisions about your own life, you’re also enjoying great fortune.

How are you choosing to use it?

Soft power – where to start

If you like the thought of doing thing a different way, but aren’t sure where you’d start, why not have a look at Taking Charge?

It’s a free online workshop that will help you discover why Superwoman isn’t working for so many of us, and how you can start to do things differently.

Click here to get access to this virtual training now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

5 ways you’re sabotaging women (and how to stop)

November 14, 2019 By Joanna Martin

The burnout epidemic. A chronic lack of diversity in senior roles. The rise in stress, anxiety and depression. Together, they paint a clear picture. Our current ways of working are failing women. But if we want to be part of turning things around, it’s not enough to point fingers at "The System". Creating meaningful change requires us to look honestly at the part we play – and when we recognise that, we've taken the first step towards changing it. If you want to support women to create results without falling into burnout, read on.

Before we dig into the ways we can unconsciously block women from reaching their full potential, I want to make one thing clear: It’s important that you don’t slip into blame when you consider the ways these patterns might show up.

After all, it’s only in relatively recent history that women were even allowed access to the spheres of education, commerce and politics. So it’s no surprise that much of our culture is built on distinctly "masculine" foundations – assumptions and habits that aren't always a great fit for our strengths. These hidden structures can lead to our biggest challenges – but because we don't tend to see them, we're blind to the way they can show up.

So the way we sabotage other women is the very same way we often sabotage ourselves – without even realising we're doing it. It’s not your fault. Most of us are only applying the things we’ve been taught will lead to “success”.

But it is time we changed that – and today I want to explore 5 ways you might inadvertently be sabotaging the women around you – and how to stop.

#1 Focusing on the outcome, above all else

Goals are important. In life and work, it can often seem that results are what matter – and it’s easy to make them the focus of our energy, whether we're supporting a client or prioritising our own day.

The trouble with taking those outcomes as our only focus is that it tends to lead to a very linear way of thinking. We’re here at point A, and we want to get to our goal in point B.

Best rush as fast and as hard as we can to the finish line... right?

Trouble is, whether or not we reach a specific goal, there will always be more to do. The next target to hit, a new priority, a fresh challenge.

Rather than focusing entirely on the outcome, what might happen if we paid greater attention to to the process? Our day to day habits and activities – how we maintain our energy, build sustainable systems, embed and integrate our learning along the way?

If you lead a team, you might think about the rhythms and structure you have for communicating and supporting one another, or the environment in which your work is taking place. If you work with clients, try asking them to reflect not only on what they’re doing but how they’re doing it.

Reaching our goals at the expense of our health and sanity is a trap many, many of us fall into. What else might be possible if we tried doing things a different way?

#2 Only celebrating "wins"

A side effect of focusing entirely on goals is that we have a tendency to celebrate our achievements, and try to forget the failures.

Of course, it feels good to reach an income target or nail a deadline. But that’s often not where our biggest growth lies. It can be in the mistakes we make or the lessons we learn that the real gold is to be found.

And if we’re only celebrating when we achieve things, it’s a small step from feeling a sense of blame, shame or failure when we miss the mark. Those emotions are understandable. It’s important to make space for your feelings.

More interesting to explore might be: What have I learned from this? What would I do differently next time? What new possibilities have opened up?

How might you support others to embrace the opportunities for learning that “failure” brings?

#3 Demanding more… and more.. and more...

Superwoman is the archetype of our times – she never stops, she achieves everything she sets out to (and more), and she holds herself to the highest standards in everything she does.

When you’re in “Superwomen” mode, it’s astonishing what you can achieve.

Maybe you’ve witnessed a client or colleague dealing with a devastating personal situation, and yet simultaneously pulling off a intensely challenging professional coup. (Maybe you’ve done it yourself).

But when we run on the adrenaline Superwoman requires for long periods, the effect on our physical and mental wellbeing is unavoidable.

Once we’ve put on that cape we tend to get locked into achieving mode: setting the bar ever higher, rising earlier and finishing later, constantly adding things to our plate. If you're a leader or manager, that "push" energy quickly filters down to your team.

But that level of busyness can become an addiction, and a destructive one at that.

If you notice a client or colleague “burning the candle at both ends”, it can be easy to praise all she’s doing. If she’s talented, competent and prolific, it’s tough to suggest she slow down. And if you're working in that mode yourself, you might be modelling the behaviour your team are adopting.

But at some point, that energy needs to be replenished.

How can you help create space for the women who are doing the most? Encourage them to take something off their plate, instead of adding to it? Model a different way of doing things?

#4 Fixing problems

Mate needs a new job? You agree to review her CV, give feedback and make a few introductions. (While you're at it, you may as well create a LinkedIn profile and draft a cover letter).

Issue with a spreadsheet at work? Hell, you’ll stay late and get it sorted. It’s not technically part of your role but you’ve always had a knack for numbers, and it bugs you that it’s taking so long.

By nature, women are often problem solvers. We hate leaving people in the lurch and we thrive on the buzz that comes from swooping to the rescue.

Trouble is, when we’re perpetually fixing problems for everyone from our team to our friends, we can inadvertently find ourselves doing more harm than good. After all, taking a challenge off someone’s plate deprives them of the learning they might have gone through to arrive at a solution themselves.

And when you’re constantly “coming to the rescue”, you’re ensuring that the decisions made around those problems are handled the way you want them to be. It might be one way to do it, but there are probably also other ways to approach them.

A more effective approach might be supporting others to solve problems. You could offer advice, support, or practical action – but let them continue to stay in the driver's seat.

How can you help the women in your world to create their own solutions – even if that means making mistakes or learning lessons along the way?

#5 Taking sole responsibility

Being responsible is a high value for many of us. We take our roles seriously and we value integrity and performance.

But when we insist on taking sole responsibility for the impact we want to have in the world, we’re blocking ourselves from accessing the holistic support our communities can offer.

If things don’t go to plan, it might be tempting to shoulder the accountability. “I messed up. I failed.” might seem as though you’re saving those around you from challenging feelings.

But it also cuts them off from being part of the solution.

How could you shift that story to “What can we do differently?” or “How could we turn this around?”

Creating that sense of shared ownership, and of trusting and valuing the input of those around you, is a very different way of working than we often see modelled.

What new results could you create if you were able to foster a spirit of true collaboration?

Would you like more tools to support women better?

If you’re curious about the tools we’ve developed to allow you to powerfully coach and connect with the women around you, come and join us for Essential Skills for Coaching Women. These live workshops are practical opportunities to gain new skills that will allow you to create extraordinary results with your team, clients or colleagues.

Click here for full details and to book your ticket.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to help someone who can’t make a decision

November 7, 2019 By Joanna Martin

We’re all facing information overload these days. Trouble is, that information – whether it comes as emails, texts, tasks or questions – all to often demands action. Is it any wonder so many of us feel like we can't make a decision?

Big or small, profound or banal, our days are a series of choices. All of them take energy and time, and the longer they sit on your list the more they can start to feel that they’re sapping valuable brainpower. Yet sometimes the more pressure there is to take action, the more trapped you feel: as though you just can’t make a decision.

So knowing how to move forward when you can’t make a decision is a godsend. And this simple 4 step process is one you can share with every woman you know.

When it comes to supporting your clients, team or friends, sharing a step-by-step flow to make decisions with ease can be one of the most effective ways to make a difference.

You don’t need any expertise on what it is they’re choosing when you can help them access their inner ability to move forward. And it can make a serious difference to their effectivness.

So, without further ado, here are 4 steps to take for anyone who can’t make a decision:

4 steps to follow if you can’t make a decision

#1 Identify what’s happening

This sounds obvious, but it’s crucial. And surprisingly common to miss.

So many of us don’t recognise we’re lost in “analysis paralysis” until we’re way down the rabbithole of different options – the consequences of choosing X; the possible repercussions of Y; the strategic implications of Z.

If someone else comes to you they’ll often start by presenting you with a whole list of possibilities, or a simple cry for help: I have no idea what to do next!

Taking a moment to frame what’s happening – what decision needs to be made – is really important.

Listen to what’s being said, and clearly reflect back the decision that’s being asked.

Right. I need to decide how to respond to that client’s complaint.

So you have to choose what you’re going to be doing for Christmas, and let your family know.

Sounds to me as though it’s time to make a decision about what you want from the future of your relationship.

#2 Step back – and become the Queen

Just getting that clarity is often enough to get rid of some of the panic, and move towards taking action.

The next step is to put yourself firmly in the best possible mindset to make your choice.

Who's in charge right now? We all have many different sides to us, not all of which are helpful. See if any of these sound familiar:

The good girl
The people-pleaser
The high-achiever
The perfectionist

One of the hallmarks of “analysis paralysis” is the sensation of going round in circles, listening to the “chorus” of roles in our minds and trying desperately to make a decision by committee.

But you only need ONE wise, trusted inner voice to make a decision.

How can you connect to that voice?

At One of many we use 5 Women’s PowerTypes when it comes to resourcing our leadership from within. And top of the decision-making tree is the Queen.

Queens by their nature are responsible for making lots of decisions. But they’re also uniquely able to make those choices confidently. They’re infallible, after all – divinely appointed, unquestioned, and respected.

So, when you’re finding it challenging to move forward, take a deep breath and play with the idea of being the “Queen”. Maybe even mime donning your crown or fastening your robe – by all means, have some fun with this!

What if ANY choice you made was guaranteed to be right?

As the Queen, you can’t make a wrong decision when you act wisely and calmly. Take a moment to imagine how things would feel if you believed that to be true.

#3 What do you know in your heart?

This powerful question is the next vital step towards taking action. It might sound fluffy – especially if you’re not used to consulting your “heart” when it comes to big choices – but it’s actually the opposite.

When we try to predict the future, we get tangled up in knots. We think we’re being logical, rational and measured. But the truth is, none of us know exactly what’s going to happen. What we do is tell ourselves stories; and those stories can be incredibly persuasive.

By framing the question in this way, you allow yourself to let go of that “overthinking” brain and tap into a part of yourself that’s centred.

When you ask “what do I know in my heart” you move the focus from outcomes you can’t possible predict, to wisdom you can be sure of having.

Put it on paper, and you’re ready for step 4.

#4 Ask yourself, do I have enough information to make this decision?

The beauty of this process is that, by the time you get to this step, you’re in calm mode.

You’re trusting yourself; you’ve connected to your wise, infallible self, and you’ve noted down all that you know to be true.

The next question is a yes/no one. Do I have enough information to make this decision?

The answer might be yes. When you’ve looked at the situation through fresh eyes, you can see what needs to be done, even if it’s an action you’ve been avoiding. Note down what that action is – and do it

If no, then it’s clear why you haven’t been able to make the decision. But again, the key is to take action. Identify exactly what information you need – could be another person’s opinion, some facts or figures, or more data on the implications of a certain course – and take action straight away to get the information you need.

When you’ve made the decision

Celebrate! The relief of moving into action and no longer feeling the weight of a choice “hanging over you” cannot be underestimated.

Side effects include powering through the rest of your list, suddenly breathing more deeply than you have in weeks, and feeling able to make a whole bunch of other choices with ease. That’s the power of getting your Queen on, baby!

You’ll never know what might have happened if you’ve chosen differently. So don’t waste any time second guessing yourself. A Queen would never doubt the wisdom of her decision in the moment.

But it’s important to remember that any decision will have consequences. So you do need to pay attention to the feedback you get from your decision. If you’re walking someone else through this process, it might be helpful to prepare them for this:

"So you’ve decided what you’re going to do. Now you’ll get to see how they respond/ what happens next / how you feel about this."

And when you have that information, you can take the next appropriate action, knowing you can trust that you made the best possible decision you could to get to this place.

Do you want to help more women trust themselves to make powerful decisions?

If you’d like to practice this decision-making process in person, and learn how you can use the tool with others to create powerful results, join me for Essential Skills for Coaching Women.

It’s just one of the coaching tools I’ll be teaching in person at this live one day workshop, happening in London on 21st November or Manchester on 29th.

I’d love to see you there in person – click here to book your ticket.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to turn criticism into confidence

October 31, 2019 By Joanna Martin

When you’re on the receiving end of criticism, it’s easy to slip into reactive mode. Often, the words which hurt most have deep roots. Perhaps when you were growing up being “selfish” was the worst possible insult in your family. Or a teacher describing your work as “sloppy” has left you with a tendency to bristle at anyone who questions your attention to detail. But when you know how to turn criticism into confidence, they don’t just lose their power – they can become tools to help you empower other women too.

Today’s article is inspired by a recent conversation in our coaches forum. One of our Certified Coaches shared a recent experience she’d had of being described as a “strong character” by an acquaintance, and feeling hurt by what felt like an implied criticism.

It got her reflecting on the way this often showed up in her work with clients – and how navigating the tension between being perceived as “strong” with all its positive connotations, and “domineering” with perhaps some negative ones, was something many women face.

It prompted me to think about the process our coaches have for responding to criticism, and how you could use it too.

There are 3 distinct steps we can see happening here.

And I’d invite you to reflect on them next time you receive some criticism that really lands. It might just transform the way you feel about a wounding comment – and turn it into an unexpected source of confidence, and even inspiration, to support others in turn.

How to turn criticism into confidence

Step #1 Observe your reaction

As our coach demonstrated so beautifully in this example, the first step in transforming criticism is to start to become conscious of your emotional responses.

Simply labelling how you’re feeling is a great place to begin. Perhaps you find yourself bubbling up with anger or frustration, or feeling the urge to cry or walk away from a conversation.

Those emotions don’t come out of nowhere. And they often follow distinct patterns. At One of many we refer to the 3 “disempowering archetypes” which often form the basis of our response to triggers.

Bitch, victim or martyr – which do you tend to slip into?

Or is your reaction something else entirely? Make a note of it next time you’re riled by a piece of criticism.

Step #2 Identify the trigger

Once you’ve started to become conscious of your emotional responses, you can dig a little deeper.

What’s the “trigger” for that reaction? Was it a particular word – in this case, “strong” – or was it more about how it was delivered?

Did you feel scolded, undermined, belittled or abandoned?

You might find, with some journaling perhaps, that the underlying emotion is one you recognise. If you can recall the first time you felt this way, you might be able to draw a connection between that early experience and the emotions that arise for you now.

How can you release those feelings and break that cycle?

Our coaches use the “PowerType Release” process which you might have encountered if you’ve ever been to a One Woman Conference. But journalling, sharing with a trusted partner or consciously telling yourself “it’s safe for me to let this go” can also be effective ways to move on.

Step #3 See the wider pattern

When we’ve noticed the root of the criticism in our own lives, we can start to see a wider pattern at work. Often, we begin to notice this theme in the experiences of people around us.

If you’ve ever confessed a vulnerability to a girlfriend and had her respond “Oh my god! That’s exactly how I feel!” you’ll know what I mean.

When you listen carefully to the conversations you hear around you, or to the challenges other women in your life face, you might start to see the criticism that felt so personal to you occurring in its wider context.

And that can be a powerful clue for a way to shift those patterns to ones that are healthier and more supportive.

Let’s look at an example of this in action

Perhaps you notice yourself slipping into “bitch” mode when someone implies you’re behaving selfishly for leaving work early on a day when there’s lots going on.

“Sod you!” your inner voice sulks, “at least I’m organised enough not to be doing all my tasks at the very last minute, unlike you”.

Wow. Where did that come from? Your colleague didn’t deserve that scorn.

So you dig in. Your reaction was definitely triggered by the implication that you were putting yourself before others. Maybe that feeling that you should always be giving, not taking, is a pattern you inherited as a child, when your mum was vocally critical of the “selfish” choices of a family member she disapproved of.

But rationally, you know there was nothing wrong with your decision. And when you take a step back, you start to notice how many women struggle with putting themselves first.

Is taking time to look after your own needs something that you see your peers and colleagues struggle with? How can you begin to discuss that more openly, and help each other model a different way of being?

When you’re able to consider why criticism stings, and find ways to release what’s at the bottom of it, you begin to tap into an extraordinary confidence. You start to become curious about your responses, rather than squashing them down or ignoring them.

And when you know how to transform criticism into confidence, it can be a vital clue to the impact that’s uniquely yours to have on the women around you.

Want to help create more confident women?

Our coaching methodology at One of many contains a wealth of tools to help you, and the women you work with, identify challenges and move past them – from learning how to listen effectively, to identifying your biggest personal and professional challenges, and releasing emotions with ease.

If you’re curious about how they work in practice, and would like the chance to experience them for yourself so that you can apply them in your own world, join us for Essential Skills for Coaching Women.

We’re hosting two one-day workshops in London and Manchester, and I’d love to get to meet you in person at this interactive and experiential training.

Tickets start at just £67, and seats are strictly limited. To reserve yours, click here to book now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

When there’s too much to do, dance!

October 24, 2019 By Joanna Martin

It’s the end of a tough day. Things are always busy – but right now, it feels as though I’m in the centre of a tornado. The team’s almost doubled in size over the past months; we’re launching new events, fine-tuning (OK, creating…) systems and building projects. And the rest of life doesn’t stop, right? Friends need support, kids need time with mum, partners have their own challenges to work through. My go-to remedy is a simple one. When there’s too much to do, dance.

When there’s too much to do, dance

If you’ve ever been to one of our live events, you know we like to start (and end… and break up the day…) with dance parties. It’s one of our secret weapons when it comes to creating the warm, relaxed, focused atmosphere we’re renowned for. But dancing isn’t something we only do when we’re together.

At the end of that tough day, I love to close the door of the office, turn the music up loud, and let loose. Often with the kids involved as well – they instinctively understand the freedom and joy that comes with letting go to music. And they’re the masters of unselfconsciousness!

If you find it hard to imagine letting go and shaking your thing – or if you’re like me, a devotee of the one-woman dance party – read on. I want to share 5 serious benefits to shaking it out when things get tough.

5 reasons dancing is your secret leadership weapon

1. Dance gets you moving.

Moving your body, even slowly, is good for you. It:

Raises your cardiovascular activity
Stretches your muscles
Gets your blood pumping
Makes your parasympathetic system work to balance you

… and generally gets your energy flowing again.

On days you “don’t have time for” exercise, if it involved travelling to a class or getting changed to go for a run, dancing can give you the boost of a mini-workout in just a few minutes. And it makes a difference! Moving your body gets oxygen flowing to your brain and has a powerful impact on your performance, even if your job’s a sedentary one.

In a 2018 study, researchers found that dancing is a way to promote the connectivity between the brain’s two hemispheres. They concluded that long-term dance practice positively affects brain activity, and is linked to our “neuroplasticity” – our capacity to adapt and change by forming new neural connections. Pretty useful if your role’s a demanding one, no?

2. Dance shifts your emotional state.

At One of many we work with the Women’s PowerTypes; 5 distinct archetypes that help us access different kinds of female power. When it feels as though there’s too much to do, these become even more important.

At busy times it’s essential to be able to change the way you’re leading, to allow yourself to be most effective in the new context.

So if you need to shift out of decision-making “work mode” to connect with your partner; or you’ve been flat out getting things done and now need to show up for a really sensitive meeting with a staff member; or you’ve come out of a fast-paced creative brainstorm and need to look in close detail at a budget spreadsheet… how do you change your state?

There are lots of ways to tap into the different PowerTypes, but the fastest and most effective one I know is to have a quick dance.

Even in the office, it’s possible if you get creative. Plug in your headphones, find an empty meeting room, and dance it out. This really works at the end of the day, if you’ve been handling a lot. Give it a try next time you’ve not stopped since breakfast.

And if you need some inspiration about working this practice into your day, come into the BeOne group where you’ll find a friendly community with great suggestions on integrating this tool into your life.

3. Dancing isn’t an achievement

OK, sometimes stepping away from the screen for 5 minutes feels like an achievement. (While you’re at it, Superwoman, have a glass of water and pop to the loo. Your body will thank you…)

But “dance really badly to an embarrassingly bad pop tune” probably isn’t on your list of quarterly priorities, your daily to-do list, or your life goals. It’s play, pure and simple — something you’re doing just for the joy of it. Because it feels good.

Sticking on a song and throwing some shapes isn’t something that will result in any income, kudos or approval from others. It’s not productive, there’s no value tied to it. And that’s why it’s important. It reminds us of our gift to the world simply by being – of the value of experiencing our lives.

The same goes for any creative activity. We can use it as a way to practice letting go of our competent, high achieving, successful selves and unlock that creative side. In the words of Glennon Doyle,

“If you feel something calling you to dance or write or paint or sing, please refuse to worry about whether you’re good enough. Just do it. Be generous. Offer a gift to the world that no one else can offer: yourself.”

4. Dance gets you out of your head

When we put on music and move our bodies at the same time, we gain distinct benefits that add up to more than the sum of both activities. John Krakauer, a neuroscientist at Columbia University, suggested why that might be:

“Maybe synchronizing music, which many studies have shown is pleasing to both the ear and brain, and movement—in essence, dance—may constitute a pleasure double play.

Music is known to stimulate pleasure and reward areas like the orbitofrontal cortex, located directly behind one’s eyes, as well as a midbrain region called the ventral striatum. In particular, the amount of activation in these areas matches up with how much we enjoy the tunes. In addition, music activates the cerebellum, at the base of the brain, which is involved in the coordination and timing of movement.”

In other words, when we “lose ourselves” in music we’re allowing different areas of our brain to take over, giving our thinking, strategizing, and let’s face it worrying brain a break. It’s one reason I think just a few minutes of dancing can feel like such a powerful break from routine – and really “reset” you for the next mountain you’ve got to tackle. If you have too much to do, giving your brain a chance to rest is a powerful way to find the extra energy you need.

5. It sets a powerful example.

As leaders, we don’t just need to be driving forward, creating results. If you’ve ever faced burnout personally, or led a team who were at the point of exhaustion, you’ll know how unsustainable the “keep going at all costs” philosophy is.

When things get busy, I’ve been known to start a virtual team meeting with some desk dancing. It lightens the mood, gets us connected and replaces those purposeful frowns with bright smiles. It keeps my mood up and replenishes my energy, ready to handle whatever throws at me. And it reminds us all that we exist beyond our targets and priorities, and can support and connect with each other beyond our usual communication.

How about you?

Do you love to dance, or does the thought make you squirm a little? Do you have any other practices that have similar effects, or ways to quickly shift your mood? I’d love to know – share your experience with others in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Can you be independent and still have a fulfilling relationship?

October 17, 2019 By Joanna Martin

Can you be independent, strong – and have a deeply fulfilling relationship? Whether you have a partner or not right now, take a moment to consider your instinctive response to that question. It can reveal an awful lot, not only about our intimate connections but our experience in other areas of life too.

Often, when we have a sense that something’s not quite right in our relationships, we find this deep-rooted belief underlying our disconnection. It's as though at some point, we decided we had to make a choice.

Either be disempowered and meet a lovely partner, or be a single, successful, empowered woman.

It looks crazy, doesn’t it, when you put it in black and white? And yet it’s a surprisingly common and powerful block for so many of us when it comes to bringing more love into our lives.

Today I want to explore where this belief comes from, how it can impact you – and how to use that insight to transform your relationships. But first, a quick note on how this can transform even seemingly unrelated areas of your life.

Using your relationship as a lens

As with so much of our “stuff” around relationships, we can use our intimate relationships as a lens through which to open up all sorts of insight.

For many, maybe even most of us, intimate relationships are the hardest connections for us to cultivate. As we explore how to thrive in them, we can apply the lessons we learn to every type of relationship.

Family
Work
Connections
Acquaintances.

If you can sharpen the way that you’re able to communicate, give, receive and thrive in your closest relationships – the ones which often push most of our buttons – frankly, everything else becomes pretty easy.

So, even if your priority right now is a connection elsewhere in your life, try reflecting on how this belief could be impacting your situation. You might be surprised at what’s revealed.

Strength, success and the role of the feminine

So where do we get this idea that we can’t “have it all” when it comes to fulfilling relationships and independence?

If you can relate to this underlying belief, it’s not surprising. There are 3 powerful factors which can come into play when we evolve assumptions like this. Do any of them apply to you?

1. Our cultural paradigm

Many cultures treat success, no matter your gender, as a concept requiring more "masculine" values. There’s an intriguing piece of research called the Hofstede model of national culture, which categorises countries as displaying masculine or feminine traits.

The UK, the United States, Australia, Germany, New Zealand, Switzerland, Italy and China all rank highly when it comes to valuing “masculine” values – things like heroism, assertiveness, and material rewards for success. More feminine ones – collaboration, consensus, care – are given lower status.

So, when we achieve highly, it's often by cultivating our strength, independence and achievement around these “masculine” areas... whilst repressing the aspects of ourselves considered to be “weaker”.

In our relationships, by contrast, adopting a competitive, individualistic approach can block us from being able to access true connection.

Regardless of our biology, we need to be able to draw on both masculine and feminine aspects of ourselves to create the conditions for deep intimacy and love.

Think about areas of life you’ve achieved success in: perhaps your career, business or leadership.
To what extent has this been based on cultivating so-called “masculine” traits?
How do these traits show up in your intimate relationships, and what impact do they have?

2. Messaging around relationships

A second factor in our understanding of relationships come from the models we’re given of what relationships look like. Think about the myth of “two halves make a whole”, or that whole “I give my whole self to you” thing.

Whether it’s in movies, commercials, or pop songs, the idea of love as being an all-encompassing experience that swallows the identity of those involved is a very common one.

In archetypal terms, the “fairytale romance” draws heavily on the idea of the Princess. The Princess is subservient. Innocent. She needs rescuing, and rarely has the independence to make her own choices.

But the Princess isn’t one of the 5 Women’s PowerTypes we use as our models for female power. Instead, we talk about the Queen, alongside Lover, Warrioress, Mother and Sorceress. These role models offer us valuable alternatives when it comes to thinking about how we might show up in our relationships, without losing our innate female strength.

What ideas of love and intimacy were you “sold” as you were growing up? When you think of a fulfilling relationship, what cultural images spring to mind – films, books, songs? Looking at them objectively, how healthy are those partnerships, and would you really want to be in them?

3. Our relationship models

In any discussion of relationships, it’s really important to recognise the role your upbringing plays. We all grow up surrounded by relationships that we absorb unconsciously as our “model” of how things are.

Maybe your parents had an unequal partnership, where one made all the big decisions. You probably know these couples in life now, right? She's the Bitch and he's the Victim, or he's the Bully and she's the Victim. They wouldn't know who to be outside of those roles.

That's what happens where one disempowering archetype meets another disempowering archetype.

So how do we begin to unravel this conditioning, and develop a new way of thinking about relationships?

Soft power and relationships

Soft power is at the heart of our methodology at One of many, and it's key to discovering a very different approach to your relationships.

By “soft” we mean agreeable, calm, gentle and yielding.

And I know that you might be reading this thinking, “I don't want to be yielding to anybody!”

But creating fulfilling relationships, just as creating a fulfilling career or becoming a powerful leader, has to involve yielding on some level. Not to another person, but to life.

To the flow of what’s happening.

It’s learning to approach challenges with gentleness; to go with your natural flow and rhythm, instead of against it.

And “power” is, from its root in middle English, simply “to be able”. It’s not having power over someone else.

In this context of relationships, power is about your capacity to love. Your ability to be in a space or connection with others, no matter what, and collaboration.

Soft power isn't weak, co-dependent, or submissive. It's a place of strength and power that comes when you let go of pushing and forcing and trying to compete, and learn instead to flow through life in a gentle and subtle way.

What makes a real relationship work is one whole person taking responsibility for themselves. One whole person coming and being in relationship with one whole other person. Together, they create a third entity: the whole relationship.

Breaking the cycle comes when you step into your soft power and begin to create a new paradigm.

Find your fulfilling connection

If you’re ready to discover some practical ways to shift things in your relationships and discover the power of true connection, join me for Love and Intimacy. It’s a free online workshop happening live on Saturday 26th October at 9am London time.

Click here to get all the details and book your free spot.

I’d love it if you could gather with us live, but if you can’t make it at that time do register anyway and we’ll make sure to send you the recording.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

Guest post: How to cope with bereavement

October 15, 2019 By Joanna Martin

This is a guest post by Debbie Neiteler, One of many coach and Certified Grief Guide.

If you’ve lost someone close to you, however long ago it was, you’ll know the indescribably impact bereavement has on your life. Two of the strongest threads that bind us together as human beings are the fear of dying and the unutterable heartbreak that shakes the foundations of our identity when we lose someone we love. Grief and the experience of death affects our sense of belonging, it reminds us that we are not immortal.

Loss of loved ones is an anticipated natural part of life. And yet it is devastating – so how do we get through it?

Here are five things I’ve learned about how we cope with grief, whether you’ve lost someone recently or many years ago.

1. Accept grief does not have an expiry date – and let go of expectations

You might have read about the seven stages of grief, and many speak of the first year after your loved one has passed as being especially hard. In my experience, any of the seven stages of grief can come at any time.

Six years after losing my loved one I went through a period of immense sadness when it hit home that they would never meet my daughter, that they were not here with me through the terminal illness of my mother – these feelings of loss and sadness could never have been anticipated in the first year after their death..

While it may seem depressing to think one can grieve forever, there are positive ways to embrace grief. Ask yourself how you can honour those who have passed, making that practice a regular part of your life.

It may be fish and chips on their birthday or changing photographs of them regularly.
It can be looking up when walking amongst the trees and simply inviting the memories back in.
It may be writing a letter to them – updating them of all that you have in your life and letting them know what you miss about them.
Speaking of them. Telling your family and friends about them regularly.

Your loss and your journey through it will never be like anyone else’s.

So stop questioning whether you are doing things “right”. You know what you need. Ask your heart, and ask your body – they will tell you if you listen – not the voices in your head of external expectations.

2. Forgiveness matters

It is difficult to start looking at what forgiveness needs to take place, when you know you’re never going to be able to have another conversation with the person you’ve lost.

But it’s an important part of the grieving process.

Forgive yourself, for all those thoughts you may have:

I didn’t do enough with them…
I wasn’t enough …
I shouldn’t have said…
I should have said….

Forgive them for the moments that sting, let go of the negative memories and replace them with happier ones… it feels better.

I held on to a memory for a long time of the last time I saw my brother before he died unexpectedly. We had a terrible argument. I clung on to this memory for years, until one day my coach asked me if I could let this go and replace it with a happier one.
I tried it, and I felt so much lighter. It was so simple. And it enabled me to really honour our relationship and his memory, instead of dwelling on a painful interaction.

3. Some people help, and others don’t. That’s OK.

When I was in the midst of grief, I found that some people’s energy was loving and holding whilst others didn’t know what to do.

Our cultural paradigm doesn’t like to see the messy side of grief. We tend to cover this up or keep it behind closed doors. Yet I found it was the people I least expected, often ones who had experienced loss themselves, who were able to cope with my snotty red nose and smudged mascara eyes.

Hang out with those who can, not those who require you to suppress your feelings.

Don’t be afraid to look inward and towards the loss. It is only through embracing it and the acceptance of death that we can truly live our fullest life.

I believe that our loved ones still teach us, even when they have passed. Listen for it. Ask yourself – what would they have said? How can they comfort you, even now?

4. Love conquers all

Love yourself enough to be patient:

A grieving brain can be a thick fog. Expect forgetfulness, expect lack of enthusiasm for most things.. be compassionate to you.
Wrap yourself in cotton wool at least for a little while. Know that your loved one would want you to be eating well and hydrating.
Grief is draining, and I constantly felt tired. Allow yourself enough sleep.

Allow others to love you:

When they say “let me know if you need anything”… Let them know.

Maybe you need some cheering up today.
A hearty meal because you are exhausted.
Some time to do something completely different, or space to talk about your memories.

Whatever it is, let them know.

5. Plant your roots again

The gales of grief can knock you to the floor. Uproot you, leave you blowing aimlessly for what can seem like an eternity.

It is therefore vital that you grab the ground in whatever way you can.

Start with a small, simple morning ritual like making a heart-hugging cup of tea. Do this one thing every day to ground you.

When you start feeling able, add another little ritual that will help you.

Plant some seeds to reconnect and embrace cycles of our great mother earth.

Look around you and embrace the seasons. Nest, make your home a beautiful space so that it can hold you.

Know that you are now part of a sacred group – you too are now a grief guide.

Are you a grief guide?

Have you experienced grief – and do you have any comfort to share with others who might be going through this tender time? We’d love to gently open up this conversation with you. Leave a comment below, and share your thoughts.

Want more support?

If you’ve lost a loved one, are feeling alone and could do with some support, join Debbie at the Dragonflies Club to be supported as you rediscover your purpose and joy. Click here to find out more.

About Debbie

Sailor of the Seven Seas | Adventure seeker | Sloe gin champion

Debbie is a partner at Austin & Carnley Solicitors and specialises in Wills and Probate. Her work and personal experience of loss led her to create The Lost & Found Dragonflies Club, a community for those who are grieving.

She is also a Grief Guide and One of many Certified Coach.

Why self care is a priority for leaders

October 10, 2019 By Joanna Martin

For leaders who are serious about having the impact they want to on the world, self care is a priority that’s not to be ignored. I don’t just mean leaders in the ‘traditional’ sense – CEOs, politicians, founders. If you want to set a great example to your kids; be a force for change in your team, organization or small business or simply feel proud to set your own course in life, this needs to be at the top of the list.

Self care and soft power

Soft Power is the term we use at One of many to encompass a whole range of principles and behaviours, which together form a new paradigm of female leadership.

Top of the list?

Soft Power principle #1: First, replenish yourself.

It’s the mantra our team repeat to ourselves when things get hectic; it’s what our coaches teach their clients; it’s what the leaders in our programs support each other to do, time and again.

And yet, something funny happens when we start to understand the importance of taking good care of ourselves. If you’re not careful, you can begin to notice some unhelpful behaviours creeping in…

3 reasons self care can slip down the list

1. Perfectionism creeps in

You don’t have the full hour you wanted to go to that yoga class… so instead you stay slumped on the sofa, scrolling through your phone.

The heavens open right before your grand hike in the countryside – may as well catch up on some work emails instead, right?

Or you commit to sessions at the local pool, since swimming’s the one place you can clear your head, only you need a new costume. And nothing fits. So that time to yourself slips quietly off the calendar, never to return…

Part of our challenges around self care can often come when we imagine a “perfect” scenario for what that self care will look like. Uninterrupted quiet, a partner who’s thrilled to give us time to ourselves, a world that runs smoothly and on time. It doesn’t exist, right?

Are you letting perfectionism get in the way of doing any kind of self care at all?
How could you consciously choose to lower the bar and make “good enough” self care better than none at all?

2. Superwoman takes over

Superwoman is the archetype of our times. She’s the high achieving, always-on, success-at-all-costs woman who to put it bluntly, is on a fast track to burnout.

Sometimes, she shows up in our self care with a focus on competition and “success”.

Never mind going for a walk – she wants to sign up for a marathon, and set a ridiculous sponsorship goal while she’s at it. If you’re thinking of eating a bit more healthily, she’ll be the voice in your head telling you nothing but a 3-month juice fast will do. And so on…

Take a moment to think about how you’re taking care of yourself. Is it in ways that feel delicious, restorative and precious to you? Or has Superwoman snuck in and slipped on your cape?

Try brainstorming a quick list of 5 minute ways to practice self care. Deep breathing, a mindful cup of tea, a stretch, a silly text to a friend… what would fill you up?
Set three alarms throughout the day, and pick one from the list. Setting micro-goals like this can help disrupt Superwoman, and start building the habit you need.

3. Life takes over

Probably the most common reason we find ourselves in bad habits when it comes to self care is a very prosaic one. Life just… happens. We make good resolutions, create time, feel great. Then there’s a work crisis, a family drama, or you get super excited about a new project – and before you know it, the calendar fills up.

We all move through cycles and seasons of busyness and activity in our lives.

Don’t beat yourself up, if you’re noticing that things have slipped slightly.

Do take the opportunity to check in with yourself, and take action if you need to.

Hold yourself accountable, and schedule in self care like the priority it is.

Use those around you to support you: Tell a colleague you’re going out at lunch; join a class or book in for a massage.

The overlooked side of self care

One thing it’s important to remember is that self care doesn’t always look like those stereotypical images of long baths or massages.

Sometimes, self care might mean getting training in an area of life that’s making you anxious, whether it’s your relationship or your finances.
It’s asking for help from your boss when you’re sinking under your schedule; not checking email when you’ve finished work.
Saying no, even when it’s met with resistance.

Self care is fundamentally taking care of you – and other people won’t always be happy with that. Managing their reactions, and holding fast to your own priorities, is an art that leaders must cultivate.

You might have heard me talk about self care from the perspective of the Lover PowerType – this beautiful, magnetic, sensual aspect of female leadership.

And it’s true; self care can mean gorgeous robes, spa days and walks in nature; it arises spontaneously when we’re deeply connected to our love for ourselves and our own needs.

But self care is just as applicable when we’re accessing our “Queen” PowerType – decisive, strategic and making the best decisions for her “realm”.

After all, for a Queen to be Queen and leading her realm, she has to prioritize self care.

You can’t have a burnt out, overwhelmed, knackered Queen.

So what does she require her realm to do? Get her the best doctors, chiropractors, nurses and dentists – the best possible care in the realm – to look after her.

She has to accept that as part of her duty, if she’s going to be able to be the figurehead she needs to be.

Every leader needs to take self care seriously

Need a hand setting boundaries?

If you could do with some support to create effective boundaries without feeling like you’re letting people down, take a look at Enough is Enough.

It’s our free guide to creating unshakeable boundaries with grace, and you can download it right now by clicking here.

How are you doing… really?

Let’s have a quick check in, ladies – how are things with you right now? Flat out and flailing, achieving what you need to with grace, or somewhere in between?

Share in the comments, and leave a message of support for anyone who could do with a hand. We’re all in this together!

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

How to create change without burning out

October 3, 2019 By Joanna Martin

When it comes to creating change, collaboration is Queen. Try to do everything yourself and you’ll burnout faster than you can say “who needs weekends off anyway?” And yet, when working with others has been a painful experience in the past, it’s understandable that it can be tempting to avoid conflict and shoulder the load yourself. Today I want to share how to create change using the power of effective collaboration.

Use these 5 key points, and working together will create change far beyond anything you could achieve with that Superwoman cape on. Guaranteed.

5 Steps to effective collaboration

1. Establish trust

There are two aspects of trust to consider when working with others.

Firstly, what we call the “energetic” aspect of trust. If you're considering whether or not to collaborate with someone, try checking in with yourself about whether you feel instinctively you can trust them. For example, you might ask:

Do they feel like someone you’re able to open up with and share your vision with?
Does this feel like the right connection?
Do they really care about what you're doing?

In a situation where you don’t have a choice about who’s in the group, such as in your team at work, this aspect is worth taking time to cultivate.

As a leader, how can you encourage an environment of healthy communication, and make sure everyone is able to trust each other?

The most effective results will always come from collaboration that's built on genuine trust.

Secondly, there’s the trust that comes from knowing someone’s able to deliver – their competence or skill set. Without this, no matter how much you feel a sense of trust, collaboration can't be effective.

When you're looking to build a team, whether it be for a project, in your business or elsewhere, the energetic piece matters. But it's also important to ask, can this person do what they say they can do?

How we establish that can be by reputation. If you want to make a real difference, gathering and presenting the evidence that allows others to trust you is a really important skill to have. (It’s something we cover in a lot more detail on our BeFulfilled retreat – working out what your skills are, and how you can present them in a way that really builds trust with employers, clients and colleagues.)

Another great way to establish trust is by making a series of small agreements.

Let me give you an example: I've got an awesome nanny, who’s absolutely brilliant. But the first time I met her, was I going to leave my children with her overnight for a weekend? No way. Absolutely no way. Was I going to just watch her play with my children? Yes. Let me see that you can play with my children, and gradually I'll leave them with you for a day.

The same goes for any kind of collaboration. Some of the problems we face as open-hearted woman, is we tend to go straight for a huge agreement – and then someone lets us down. And we think they're untrustworthy. We can avoid that pitfall by trusting them to make small agreements first, so that we can gradually ease into a bigger relationship.

2. Ensure contribution

Once you have a basic level of trust, in both the energy each person’s bringing and their competency in what they’re doing, it’s time to make sure everyone’s able to contribute. Allowing each person to have their say, and actually listening to what they have to contribute.

An important part of this is recognizing that some people are more extroverted, and some people are more introverted. So it's not just listening when someone does speak up, it's noticing when someone isn't speaking up.

“There's gold in the quiet ones” is something I’ve heard said, and it’s true!

So if someone doesn’t seem to be offering much, take a second to check in with them and make sure you don’t miss out on an important contribution.

3. Track progress, and agree on process

Needless to say, creating change requires action. Some kind of momentum. Having an agreed focus or intention is really important, as is introducing accountability.

As a group, think about what tools you can use to keep track of your progress and adjust your course when you need to. Talk about what you'll do if there's a disagreement, or if someone makes a mistake, before that situation arises.

It’s really important to agree on your process right from the start.

That includes how you’re going to remain flexible for the realities that tend to pop up when bringing a vision to life. Not just pushing blindly on to meet a goal, but also taking shared responsibility for how you’re getting there.

Do you have regular times to check in with each other, and a structure for how that will work?
Do you have a system for recording what’s being done, and changing your focus if you need to?
Are different people responsible for different aspects, and do they have the capacity to manage them?

Keeping focus is vital, but it's not the only thing to bear in mind. Which leads me onto my next point...

4. Allow space

So much of collaboration, as you’ve probably already gathered, comes down to balance. And one of the most important aspects to balance is maintaining your focus on progress, whilst making the space to allow whatever else needs to arise.

If you’ve ever been involved with a team on a high pressure project, you’ll probably remember times when something that seemed way off-topic has sparked a huge insight into where you’re at, or where you’re heading.

Sometimes it's in moments of someone cracking a joke, that you discover this person’s really afraid right now – and it turns out, they're not the only one having a crisis of confidence.

Or it's when someone feels like they are allowed to speak up and get it wrong, that an offhand comment triggers something else that gets you where you need to go.

Of course there are time perspectives. There's focus and intention. But if we plow through without the ability to let the human be there in our collaborating, we can miss so much. We don't get to read those really important signals – how is the team coping with this situation? What are we missing? What did we not take into account at the planning stage that is asking us to take a look at now?

5. Create consensus

If you’ve ever worked in a committee-heavy environment you might be groaning when you see that word. But bear with me. When it’s approached thoughtfully, consensus can be a truly beautiful process.

Consensus isn’t the same as just going with the majority vote. If someone just gets outvoted and they're seething about it, and they think that they're actually really right about something– if there's dissension – we can't achieve true collaboration.

But, where we can get to, perhaps, is that most people think this is right... and one person's not sure, or thinks no, but they're okay to go with it.

In this model, where we’re coming from a place of deep trust and respect, we don't have enemies but we have adversaries. We can still disagree, but we can be allowed.

This is important. Because otherwise it doesn't feel good, and a hallmark of true collaboration is that it usually feels great – even when it leads you down a different path to the one you would have taken on your own.

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What's your experience of collaborating? Have you been blown away by the power of a dream team, or hit hurdles that still make you shudder? Share your experiences, good and bad – and any tips you've picked up along the way – below!

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