One of Many

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How to lead a team through change

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

In turbulent times, powerful leadership is crucial. Perhaps you’re going through a big organizational restructure; have some near-impossible deadlines looming or are facing big changes in your family life. Today I want to share a slightly different approach to how to lead a team through change – which can prove hugely effective.

The importance of faith and trust

We’ve navigated some big changes in the business over the years, but one of my greatest personal tests as a leader came not at work, but at home. A while back, our family faced a huge and unexpected upheaval. We discovered that the lease on the long-term rental we’d lived in for years was ending – and we’d need to move house.

It was the same feeling you’ve probably experienced if you’ve ever been shaken by a bombshell in the workplace: The sudden loss of a major client; a restructure that puts jobs on the line or even a very positive, but all too fast, expansion. I knew I needed to help us stay focused and manage the inevitable upheaval – so what kind of leadership was called for in that moment?

When it comes to change, there are many options open to us as leaders. The Women’s PowerTypes we use at One of many give us clues to some of them:

  • Mother focuses on taking care of the team, acknowledging their emotions and creating a haven of safety and security amidst the chaos
  • Queen connects to her powerful vision, inspiring others to take bold action
  • Warrioress rolls up her sleeves and brings infectious energy and enthusiasm to making things happen

But today I want to draw your attention to a different form of leadership – that of the Sorceress.

Who is the Sorceress?

If you’re someone who usually pushes their way to their goals with sheer grit and determination, even the name of this PowerType might set your teeth on edge. So let’s take a minute to discover what we mean by the Sorceress.

For a lot of people, the word sorceress conjures up images of the esoteric – witches huddled round a cauldron, that sort of thing. If that’s your bag, that’s totally OK!

And – that’s not exclusively what we mean.

The name for this PowerType comes partly from the shorthand we like to use for divine, or our connection to the divine: Source.

You might refer to this in so many different ways: God, Allah, Goddess, Jesus, the Tao, the Oak Tree, the Universe, Quantum Physics, Nature.

It’s how you conceptualise the force that’s so much bigger than you; that gives you your energy and connects you to something far beyond your own perceived experience and understanding.

Many of the atheist and agnostic people I’ve coached, who might at first claim to have no spiritual connection at all, can immediately think of an environment or experience they find fulfilling in this way. Perhaps it’s staring up at the night sky; walking among breathtaking architecture or looking at the ocean.

The name Sorceress is a nod to this “Source”. And when you strengthen the relationship you have with Sorceress, the results can be incredibly profound – especially if it’s all been grit and determination. Here are some of the resources this PowerType can give you access to as a leader.

How to lead a team through change with Sorceress

1. Learn how to make miracles

Sorceress is the part of us which can manifest. Now, before you start rolling your eyes – I’m not talking about visualising a pile of money, putting your feet up, and letting “The Universe” do its work. (If you’ve figured out how to do that, go for it!).

But for the rest of us, I’m talking about the part of you that’s already manifesting tiny everyday miracles. You might call them luck, coincidence, serendipity, synchronicity.

The appointment that’s cancelled just when you need an extra hour, or the lights that mysteriously tun to green just when you’re running late.

The more you activate your inner sorceress, the more you can bring these small path-easers your way – smoothing your team’s capacity to adapt and roll with the punches.

2. Connect to faith and trust

One of Sorceress’s most powerful capabilities is her ability to maintain faith and trust that everything will work out for the best – whatever the outcome.

In our family’s sudden house move, it was my commitment to trusting that all would be well that allowed the rest of my family to relax, and see the change as a grand adventure rather than a devastating break.

When others see you trusting and letting go, they trust you too.

In a team environment, when the pressure’s on, individuals often start to unravel. Embodying deep faith can allow everyone to calm and ground themselves, so that they can access their talents and get on with their roles, trusting that as leader you’re confident that you’ll collectively achieve your aims.

3. Allow the team to experience your wisdom

It’s all very well tapping into that faith and trust, but why do those around you lean in so strongly when you’re in Sorceress? One quality I love about this PowerType is that she’s “Master of her chosen technologies”. I often think of her as the wiser, “older” part of us, and part of that wisdom is that she’s devoted to learning and mastering the things she’s really good at. 

When others see Sorceress in action, it inspires real awe and wonder. Often, she seems to achieve things effortlessly or “as if by magic”. If your team can’t believe how fast you come up with punchy communication, or are wowed by your “knack” for budget projections or people management, that’s Sorceress at work.

Sorceress comes up with incredible solutions and her team really value that, often deferring to her wisdom and following her advice. When times are tough, it’s the point at which Sorceress can help you to stop holding back and let your true ability to find creative solutions really shine.

How to cultivate your Sorceress leadership

If you’re ready to bring a bit more ease to your leadership, and tap into Sorceress, here are some ways to do so:

  • Spend some time reflecting on what connects you with Source. What is the divine for you? Has it changed, perhaps, from the concept you were brought up with? How conscious are you of maintaining and cultivating that connection?
  • Start thinking and thanking. Make a habit of ending each day thinking back over the coincidences, good fortune and, yes, miracles that have occurred – and feeling grateful for them. (If you’re not already a member of our BeOne community, click here to join for free and get access to our series of Soft PowerCasts – there’s a whole audio on this practice.)
  • Make some alone time. Sorceress is one of the most independent PowerTypes – she craves time by herself in a place where she can really feel that Source energy. How can you carve out some regular time to tune into the energy that’s more powerful than you, and rest into your intuitive side?

Curious about Sorceress and your leadership?

There are many other sides to the Sorceress – her creativity, her ability to facilitate transformation, and her ability to find extraordinary solutions. If you’d like to find out more about the Women’s PowerTypes, and your current relationship to Sorceress, take a look at the Women’s PowerTypes Profile.

Knowing your PowerTypes Profile will give you clear insight into the PowerTypes you currently use most, as well as the ones you could do with a little more support to access. It’s a powerful way to gain a fresh perspective on you strengths and challenges – especially useful if you’re heading into a time of change.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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One of many Voices: Valerie Schlegel Stettler

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

As a former stockbroker and self described “modern witch”, Valerie Schlegel Stettler is a living example of the many different facets women leaders can embody. Today, the One of many Certified Trainer and in-house coach shares her journey to authentic leadership on her own terms, as well giving us a peek into her daily routine…

What do you do?

I’m a leadership coach, facilitator and holistic mentor for women. My focus is helping women take their place in the world for the benefit of all genders. I work with clients on topics like financial knowledge, confidence, inner posture, intuition and joy.

I’ve always been very intuitive and highly sensitive – what I call my “Cassandra Syndrome“. A capacity for “seeing and sensing“ things that I now understand has helped me just as much as it has scared the hell out of me when I was very young! I often had a sense of what was right and (mostly) used it to make my decisions, but struggled to explain it in a logical way.

It felt like a part of me needed to be constantly hidden away, that it was not the “right” way to do it and that I could not be “all of me“.

In my current life, I am delighted to be able to use this talent and to help my clients connect to their feminine intuition and strengths to embrace all of what/who they are and to powerfully and happily BE in the world.

I’m honored to be a One of many Trainer and in-house Coach. Currently based in Germany, I interact in three languages (English, German and French) and I am looking to grow a local One of many community there.

Give us the big “why” you do what you do?

I was born in a feminist family and was told that I could do anything I wanted to… and so I did!

Before I was 35, I was a managing director at a leading investment bank responsible for a global trading and sales business.

I was working crazy hours and eventually nearly burned out. During this time, I had difficulties conceiving which is not so surprising when you experience that amount of stress and I eventually resigned and left the industry.

I was rewarded with two beautiful children AND this still left a bittersweet taste, as I would have liked to truly have the choice. It also left long-lasting “impressions” on me, at soul and body level. Even after becoming a coach, I would not intervene in financial services, “fearing” what I was projecting as a destructive energy there.

It took release work to lose that fear, and to see the advantages that I was bringing when I allowed myself to facilitate in these environments that I know so well.

This is why I accompany women and also pass on the message to men and companies that it is important to allow for a change in the way women do what they do.

It’s also why I was so happy when I discovered One of many. One of many has created such useful tools along with an amazing community of like-minded women. Through the training and deep work, I am living my life at a higher intensity without needing to make up some drama to feel alive. Today, I am truly playing with many keys on the piano and it is fun, powerful, full of love and sustainable!

What’s your daily routine?

Each day is a bit different depending on whether I’m facilitating at a company, speaking, delivering a workshop or coaching virtually from home.

My children are almost grown up now, so the morning routine has become pretty simple. On my part, I get up and do my morning pages. This is part of my daily routine and I miss it if I skip it for a couple of days. I observe my brain getting too full and I become unsettled.

I then take my dog for a long walk, shower, and make a point of being at my desk (I work from home) by 9:00 am. I take a break at lunchtime to eat and nap and often go for a shorter walk before getting back to work. I coach 2-3 times a week in the evenings as this is my clients’ preferred time – so I make sure to have replenishing time during the day.

What demands do you balance every day in conjunction with your work?

My main “balancing act” is with myself! As I work from home, I have to be very conscious to separate working hours from family hours. I have to develop all sorts of strategies to preserve my working energy mode. It starts when I go to the bathroom and the cat comes purring because he would love a cuddle or some food 🙂 I am now planning on renting an office space, just to increase my concentration and productivity.

How do you juggle all the demands on you?

I have a husband who is absolutely pro-woman, and we share all life admin chores. That was an essential quality for me in a partner, so I probably scared away those who would have wanted it a different way 😀

What I’ve found to be rare unfortunately, but so important, is that beyond loving me, he has always been very supportive and proud of my professional accomplishments. It is probably our secret: we truly admire each other’s successes as much as we support each other when the going gets tough.

How do femininity and Soft Power feature in your business/career?

In my corporate time, I forbid myself to show my feminine side because I wanted to be taken seriously for my work and not for my boobs. That was as exhausting as reductive.

Now, the more I practice being in the PowerType energies the more I feel femininely strong and beautiful.

It gives me a lot of confidence, in a cheeky way and this is important at all ages of course but going now through menopause, becoming a crone, it helps me own it.

I decided to let my hair grow grey naturally a couple of months ago, and not cut it short. It is going to take about three years until the color is grown out. I’m embracing that period as a time of metamorphosis. Just as puberty, you don’t fall into it within weeks. It is a long process and if you let it, a beautiful one.

For me, it is more than just appearance, it is taking a stand to encourage others. A twinkle of the eye: “I see you sister!”.

Do you think people around you (on social media, and face to face) understand who you authentically are?

I love encouraging my clients to see and embrace “all of them“. You are much more than just a mum, or just a lawyer or a banker, or just a woman loving woman or just… the list goes on. We are so many things and this is what makes us so unique. It actually feels so good to be able to show all of oneself, to love all of oneself, to leverage all of oneself…

That can be hard to do “on paper” such as when writing a website, (as I am at the moment!) or on social media.

On the other hand, I also believe people see a lot more of you than you think. I once experienced a training exercise in which people were asked to describe what they saw in you after just a day and a half spent together (we were strangers before). I was amazed by how accurately they described me and how clearly I could describe them!

And this is why it is good and important to be authentic and to allow oneself to be vulnerable – because people see it anyway 😉 Vulnerability is like a little door to our true self, to our heart, where we are good by essence. When we do open that door to others, we allow them to do the same to us.

Do you exercise your #righttobesoft in your workplace? If so, how?

Yes, all the time. I am in soft power when I coach, interact or speak. I do a lot of embodiment which requires me to be in the energy of the PowerTypes, and I love doing this. My clients get so much out of this exercise.

With time, I am more and more consciously connect with the PowerType I want to be in. A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a person I wanted to get to know “beyond the surface“ because she is responsible for a business that might potentially impact mine. I consciously deeply connected to my Lover energy and within minutes she was relaxing and opening up and that allowed me to better judge whether or not I wanted to be involved.

What’s one “breakthrough” you have had in your life, that shifted the way you saw things – how did it impact those around you?

A big breakthrough for me was to become a coach. It finally gave me the tools to do what I was doing naturally for years already. It showed me that I could work WITH people and not AGAINST them. In investment banking, it feels like it is always “you against the rest of the world” (the benchmark, your fellow traders, the market, the competition,…). AND it allowed me to use that so important part of me, my intuitive sensitive part.

 

Thanks so much, Valerie!

About Valerie

Modern witch | Numbers whisperer | Hippo collector

To find out more about Valerie and connect, click the links below:

Facebook page: Full You With Joy

Website: www.valerieschlegel.com

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Liz Gilbert, Mother and the Alpha Wolf

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

You love certain people in your life deeply. Your family, dear friends, partner or team. They’re so precious to you that when something goes wrong in their lives, it affects you too. And for those you care most strongly for, you’d do anything to help them be the happiest version of themselves.

Only… what happens when that care starts to feel like being squashed, controlled or criticized?

Today I want to share an incredibly vulnerable and moving example of this kind of support in action. It’s a story of love through one of the most painful possible times. And it’s also filled with hope, and the wisdom which came from it.

Here’s what Liz Gilbert taught me about balancing our desire to help with respecting the freedom of those you love.

Liz Gilbert, Mother, and the Alpha Wolf

Before we dive in, let me give a bit of background – just in case you’re not as much of a fan of this writer as I am.

Liz Gilbert’s a globally renowned author, speaker and teacher. She’s one of my favourite writers, both for her incredible fiction and her teachings around love, fulfilment and creativity. As well a being the bestselling author of Eat, Pray Love and Big Magic and her latest novel, City of Girls, she’s a passionate advocate for social justice.

In 2016, she celebrated publically the news that a new relationship had blossomed in her life – with her best friend of 15 years, Rayya Elias. Tragically, the trigger for this awakening was Rayya’s diagnosis with terminal cancer. And in January 2018, Rayya died.

The time up to and following Rayya’s death is one about which Liz has been astonishingly lucid, vulnerable and raw about sharing in many of her public posts, talks and appearances.

Caring for a terminally ill partner is a devastating process. And I’m awed by how open Liz has been in sharing what she learned.

First, as a tribute to her fierce and beautiful partner. And secondly, as a profound lesson in the ways we can support and care for those we love, whilst honouring their independence and individuality.

The Mother in relationships

When we’re in a mode of caring and nurturing, the Women’s PowerType we tend to draw on is Mother.

She’s the archetypal version of the strongest Mothering instinct – unconditionally loving, gentle, and powerfully protective of  those in her care.

When does Mother help?

There are 5 Women’s PowerTypes™, and Mother might not be the first to spring to mind when it comes to your partner.

But the PowerTypes are archetypes – embodiments of certain ways of being – not literal descriptions. And there are times, in any relationship, that Mother energy is what’s needed.

  • When you or your partner are feeling hopeless, uncared for and small. We all need unconditional love from time to time, no matter what’s been going on.
  • When you or your partner are feeling vulnerable or unsafe – craving a sense of home, safety, being nurtured and nourished.
  • In times of sickness or exhaustion. Mother is the perfect energy in which to rest and feel cared for.

Just as Mother can be the most effective guide to caring for ourselves, bringing out the best in our team members or helping friends through tough times, so she can be a powerful support in relationships.

And for Liz, navigating the unthinkable – Rayya’s terminal illness and loss of independence – it was naturally an energy which came to the fore.

In a moving podcast for The Moth, called The Alpha Wolf, she shared some of the ways she moved into that caring role.

“I made plans to take care of her… and my whole planning was based on this idea that I was powerless to stop her from dying but by God, I was going to make sure that she had the gentlest, the safest and the most enlightened, the most cushioned death that a human being could possibly have.”

And yet, Rayya – the recipient of her care – was a reluctant – in fact a defiantly resistant patient. She didn’t want to be cosseted and cushioned; she insisted on continuing to live as she always had, right up until the end.

Here’s the beautiful, and even funny way Liz observes and pays tribute to that rebellion.

“She didn’t want to talk to the bereavement counselor that I brought to her house. She wanted to watch football afternoon with her nephews. I made her all this beautiful organic food to keep her as healthy as we could keep her, and she didn’t want it. She wanted to live on Oreos and cigarettes and did live almost exclusively on Oreos and cigarettes for a solid year past her original expiration date. And of course I got her to sign up with hospice, because I wanted to make sure that she had the best and safest quality homecare… and then Rayya got kicked out of hospice.”

There’s such humour, in that description of what must have included some really painful moments.

Overexpressed Mother in action

What Liz has picked up on is the way that Mother energy can sometimes run the risk of going into overdrive. “Overexpressed” Mother energy begins to show up as possessive, controlling or inappropriately ”fussy”.

It also starts to swallow your own resources.

And the situation doesn’t have to be extreme as Liz’s for this to be true.

Maybe you care so deeply about your team that you find yourself losing sleep over their personal lives.

Or you’re so concerned about your friend’s finances that unasked, you draw up a spending plan to help them get unstuck. (Never mind everything else that’s on your plate right now… or the fact that they’ve never stuck to a budget in their lives.)

What feels like care to the overexpressed Mother can feel a lot like being controlled or bossed about by the person in the “child” role.

And in the end, that can be a less effective way of supporting them on their path.

Finding balance with Mother

In Liz’s telling of the story, it was at the end of Rayya’s life that she finally understood the kind of care her lover wanted.

“Rayya didn’t want my help. She didn’t want my pity. She didn’t want my planning. She certainly didn’t want my story. The only thing that really wanted from me was that thing which I had always so effortlessly and naturally given her which was my devotion and my all. She just wanted me there in the room, in love with her and bearing witness.”

That pure, unwavering devotion – that honouring of the wholeness of the other person, and commitment to being there for them without trying to fix or change them – is a wonderful description of the Mother at her most powerful.

And Liz’s courage in sharing this lesson, continuing the legacy of she and Rayya’s love story and her own journey towards greater understanding, is something I find incredibly inspiring.

Taking charge of your Mother energy

If you know Mother’s a PowerType you tend to overexpress, here are some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself slipping into a caring mode.

1. Has this person asked for my help in this way?

You might be powerfully attuned to the challenges someone’s facing. But have you asked them what would help the most?

Checking in with them to see what they’d like you to do, or asking “would you be willing for me to…” gives them the autonomy to tell you what would be of most help to them. The answer might be “nothing right now” or “just being here to talk to” – if that’s the case, resist the urge to solve or fix things further.

2. Am I being depleted by my actions?

There are some people in our lives we’d willingly sacrifice energy for. Most mums have probably sacrificed their sleep and at times their sanity to support a sick kid; you might have a handful of drop-everything friends or family members who you’d turn your life upside down to be at their side.

But if you’re regularly being drained or exhausted in service of others, it might be time to take a look at how many people you’re committed to supporting.

Enough is Enough is our free how-to guide to setting boundaries and getting clear on what is and isn’t yours to take on. Click here to download your free copy now.

3. Do I have access to other leadership modes?

As a leader, Mother inspires independence, gratitude and courage in those around her.

But there are times when leaders need to call on other PowerTypes – decisive Queen, visionary Sorceress, energetic Warrioress or magnetic Lover.

If you’d like to find out how you can gain greater access to the full range of PowerTypes, book a call with one of the team today and find out if one of our programs or retreats might be a good fit for you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How the Women’s PowerTypes can be useful in daily life

By

Joanna Martin

Joanna Martin

Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

The Women’s PowerTypes™ are 5 archetypes that guide us to access our power as female leaders. You might have read inspiring stories of women like Carol, who used them to manage an international NATO workshop. Or seen other women in our community sharing big projects and impressive wins. But what about the day to day stresses and struggles? Today we’re celebrating how the Women’s PowerTypes can be useful in daily life. Because sometimes, it’s handling the smallest tasks that can allow you to shine when it comes to the big stuff.

Leadership comes in all forms. At One of many our mission is to empower one million grassroots women leaders. In other words, you don’t have to be a corporate executive, a politician, or a business owner to be able to step up and have an impact, without burning out.

Perhaps you’re a leader in your family, community, or within a team of equally dedicated, sometimes-a-bit-frazzled women.

Grassroots leaders are powerful change agents

That kind of leadership still means you can make a difference.

It still means having great leadership skills up your sleeve can have an impact on what you’re able to achieve.

And sometimes, quite frankly, the biggest leadership battle we all face is with ourselves. Staying motivated; adapting and going with the flow whatever it is we’re doing; and allowing ourselves to have a bit of fun while we do it. 

So today I want to share a fun example of how the Women’s PowerTypes can help you be happier, more effective and more fulfilled at every end of the spectrum.

From world changing events to the most mundane of tasks – knowing that you have these different ways of being at your fingertips can transform every day of your life.

How the Women’s PowerTypes can be useful in daily life

A while back Sara popped into the Facebook group to celebrate the way the PowerTypes supported her during a mammoth day of cleaning and decluttering at home.

Sounds like it could be a recipe for boredom and exhaustion, right?

Well, here’s how the PowerTypes helped her out:

Sara wrote:

“Changing seasons always gives me a spurt of ‘tidying’ energy. So as we head into autumn, I’m having a cleaning and clearing kind of day in full blown Mother PowerType.

Clearing out handbags of all the ticket stubs, old pens and half empty packets of painkillers that collect in the bottoms. Clearing kitchen cupboards of food past its use by date and emptying my wardrobe of clothes and shoes that I’ll never wear again. Emptying the last of the boxes from my storage unit. Tidying and sorting the ‘odds and sods’ drawers.

Marigolds and bin bags and polish. Oh my!”

The Mother

The Mother, as you might imagine, has a powerful nurturing quality. When we connect to our Mother PowerType we’re not thinking of our own children (you might not have them – you can still access Mother).

What we’re connecting to are those wonderfully accepting, nurturing qualities that typify a truly caring, warm and devoted Mother.

And Mother cares deeply about the wellbeing of those in her care. So it’s natural that Sara’s urge to clear and sort might come from that place of deep nurture – for herself, for her home, and for the possessions and objects that fill it.

In the workplace, Mother energy supports those around you to feel safe and secure. She’s a wonderful PowerType to help bring out the unique contributions of everyone and to make sure they feel able to express themselves.

But Mother alone, when over-expressed, can sometimes become less than helpful.

At worst she can tip into “Martyr” – sacrificing herself for the needs of others.

So Sara wisely decided to introduce the beautiful balancing energy of The Warrioress.

The Warrioress

“Still in my PJs – Warrioress and I decided that was much more fun than getting dressed. She’s also selected the accompanying music. Everything is easier with the One of many dynamic dance playlist blaring out!”

Warrioress is the perfect PowerType for tackling a big physical job like cleaning. High-energy and focused, she brings enthusiasm, bags of energy and the will to make even the seemingly impossible happen. She also knows how to have a good time while she does it!

If you’ve got kids, Warrioress is often the part of you who thrives on rough and tumble play – getting a bit silly and letting your hair down. (She can be a lot of fun in the bedroom, too… ;-))

Blasting through house cleaning with music sounds like a lot of fun. And it’s pretty much an open secret that getting rid of things you don’t need and creating a bit more space for living can have a pretty great impact on our mental and emotional state too.

(Does you also like to have a really good clear out when you’re stuck on a project or needing to shift some “mental furniture?”)

So I love that Sara also allowed herself to use Sorceress in her day.

The Sorceress

Sorceress is the PowerType we use to connect to our intuition. The Universe, God, Goddess, Allah, Source… whatever your name is for the “bigger picture” beyond our thinking comprehension, she is it.

In leadership terms, cultivating your connection to Sorceress can allow you to access that hard-to-define quality that helps you navigate the toughest challenges. She can fuel your inner calm and certainty when things get rocky or find inexplicable ways to solve what seem like insurmountable challenges.

Even just 5 minutes in a hectic day can help connect you to Sorceress and open up space for some of the unplannable to come in. So Sara decided to consciously make some space later in the day to access that PowerType and see what might come up.

“Sorceress feels more able to manifest and is planning a smudging and blessing ritual for later.”

And as my house is getting tidier and the energy is getting clearer – I am getting muckier so Lover is looking forward to a long soak in the bath when I’m done.”

The Lover

The Lover, it probably goes without saying, is the part of you that enjoys sensual, beautiful experiences. When it comes to making your space great, connecting and delighting in good company, she’s a great one to invite in.

She’s definitely one to access at bathtime – where she’ll encourage you to go all out with candles and the posh bubble bath you’ve been “saving”.

She also plays an important role in preventing you from overwhelm and burnout. Many of us struggle to prioritise self-care and rest, so having access to The Lover ensures you don’t skip the vital work of taking care of yourself. And actually enjoying all of your achievements, along with those you care most about.

The Queen

The last of the 5 PowerTypes is The Queen. For many women, she’s one of the most compelling PowerTypes because of the ability she has to wield power, make decisions and set boundaries – without losing any of her grace or femininity. For Sara, Queen is

“Holding the vision of what my home could and should be. A place of welcome, comfort and sanctuary for me and for those within my realm that I choose to invite into this space.”

The Women’s PowerTypes help you lead powerfully in any situation

Needless to say, the PowerTypes can be used to achieve an awful lot more than cleaning your house. Sara’s a One of many Certified Trainer, a Mastercoach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. She co-founded Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency and is founder of Actually, empowering changemakers to use the power of great communications and campaigns to inspire action.

But having a big impact starts when you get really fluent in making the everyday shifts in your state. To keep you focused, flexible and supremely well resourced when it comes to the task at hand.

Want to get to know the PowerTypes better?

Whether you’re ready to change the world or would just love to be able to sail through day to day tasks without losing your marbles, we’ve got all the tools you need.

BePowerful is our 12 week online training that allows you to get in touch with each of the PowerTypes and apply them in your life. Using a blend of audios and meditations, video lessons and downloadable worksheets – as well as our incredibly supportive private Facebook Group – you’ll discover how the PowerTypes can help you have a bigger impact in your world.

Find out all the details here.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The short temper solution

By

Wendy Harrington

Founder at One of many

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

It’s different for all of us – that place we slip into when we’re not at our best. Is it the tone in your voice that has your partner shrinking from you when you snap at them after a tough day at work? Or the hopeless, helpless feeling you get when you say “sure” to that one ‘quick thing’ your demanding boss needs you to sort out at 4pm on a Friday afternoon? The truth is, the short temper solution is the same as the “self-pity” or “burning resentment” solution.

Today I’m sharing a powerful tool that can help you manage these kinds of frustrating behaviours, without blocking your (totally valid!) feelings.

Let’s start by getting clear on exactly what we mean when we talk about these kinds of situations. I don’t mean times when you’re just feeling a bit sensitive or you’re in “getting things done” mode. Just because you’re not being over-the top nice and friendly doesn’t mean there’s an underlying issue you need to deal with. As leaders of any kind, there are times when we need to give clear instructions, or convey information, without the added fluff.

What I invite you to consider today are the times when you’re slipping into a version of yourself who’s less in control of how she’s behaving.

The 3 disempowering archetypes

We talk a lot about the 5 Women’s PowerTypes – the 5 powerful female archetypes we use to guide the new version of leadership we’re creating.

But today I want you to think about the dis-empowering archetypes you can find yourself in. The 3 really common ones we find are the Bitch, the Victim and the Martyr. Have a read of these scenarios and see if you recognise yourself in any of them:

The Bitch is that short-tempered you who loses her sense of kindness and compassion, and even lashes out at those around her. Wendy, our Marketing and Events manager, spots this one at times when she’s feeling overloaded and snaps at her husband.

“I literally see him shrink in front of me” she says. “That’s when I know I’ve crossed over into the woman I know I don’t want to be. And it’s not really me either! It’s a sign there’s something else going on.”

Victim comes out when we find ourselves feeling totally helpless. Maybe someone at work says you haven’t completed something when you know you have.

For me it was when my husband made an innocuous comment about how “we weren’t good at implementing things”. Instead of calmly addressing it – “I sent that to you on Tuesday, actually” or “That’s interesting – how do you think we could improve?” – we go into “poor me” mode. It might be shrinking and going silent, or flaring into defensiveness.

For many women, Martyr’s the disempowering role we might actually have been praised for. Staying late at the office, helping out family members on weekends, never taking a moment for ourselves…

If you tend to give too much and find yourself in over-sacrificing mode, it’s likely martyr’s the tendency to watch out for.

So when you know what the pattern you tend to fall into is (you may well rotate through all three, depending on the circumstances!) how do you find a different way of being?

Allow me to introduce one of the most powerful tools we have to combat these disempowering archetypes: Trigger Tracking.

What is Trigger Tracking?

Trigger tracking is a way of moving into a place of awareness and observation – so that you can start to uncover what’s at the root of the behaviour you want to change.

A lot of the time we find ourselves getting frustrated when we’re unable to change our behaviour. That’s because we’re focusing on the symptom of what’s going on, rather than the root cause.

Often, the flash of temper or sink into despondency is actually a defense mechanism we’ve evolved over time – maybe even since childhood – to protect us from a “risk”.

For example, you might be getting angry because underneath, you’re afraid of being rejected.

Trigger tracking helps you identify what your unique patterns are, so that you can start to change them.

How to get started with trigger tracking

The easiest way to start with Trigger Tracking is to set aside a period of time – in our BePowerful program, we use it over the course of one week.

Take a piece of paper and divide it into 6 columns. Now, what you’ll do is notice each time you find yourself slipping into one of these disempowering modes, and note down the following things:

  • What happened?

For example: I felt totally inadequate and paralysed with a big work project – and ended up missing the deadline I’d promised my team.

  • What was your bad behaviour?

I spent an hour complaining to my partner about how unreasonable my boss’s expectations of me were, instead of taking action on the project or letting them know I couldn’t do it.

  • What archetype did you go into?

Victim

  • What was the trigger for that archetype?

Feeling that I wasn’t good enough. A sense that everyone was relying on me, and I had no one to support me.

  • How did you feel?

Frustrated, helpless and small.

  • What was the impact on others?

My team had to work harder because I missed the deadline. My boss was frustrated that I hadn’t spoken up sooner. My partner told me how worried they were about the demands being placed on me. It’s upsetting to them to hear me feeling so down.

As you begin to complete the sheet with each example as it happens, you’ll start to notice certain repeated patterns coming up. Don’t worry if you feel this is happening a lot – the more data you have on what triggers you, the better! At the end of the week, take a look at what you’ve learned.

What to do when you’ve tracked your triggers

When you’ve gathered your examples over the time you’re trigger tracking for, you’ll hopefully start to see some patterns emerging. For example, it might be that on the days when you’re really feeling “not good enough” as a mum that you find yourself taking on more and more tasks at work, and ending up in full on Martyr.

Or perhaps you try to pack too much into your day and that’s when you end up snapping into Bitch with your energetic toddler – even though you know it’s not their fault.

Whether you tend to get angry and snap, fall into victim mode or take on way too much when you move into martyr, the solution lies in becoming aware of your behaviour so that you can take steps to address the issue that’s actually causing you to snap.

That might be working with a one-to-one coach, using a meditation process to release emotions (there’s a Soft PowerCast on this for our BeOne Community members), journalling or talking to a therapist or professional.

Want more tools like this?

Trigger tracking is just one of the powerful tools we explore in BePowerful, our 12 week transformational coaching program. If you’re curious, the first step is to find out your PowerTypes profile. Click here to get your personalized report.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What’s my leadership style?

By

Wendy Harrington

Founder at One of many

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

Where are you a leader in your life? At work? Running a business? Or within your family, community, or voluntary organization?

Here at One of many our mission is to create a movement of women ready to become the leaders the world needs. After all, as a planet, the model of power that’s been dominant so far just isn’t going to cut it to get us where we want to be. But what does a new way of leading look like in practice?

Our Soft Power framework is the tool we’ve developed to radically shift our approach in an incredibly effective way. It’s a new kind of leadership for the new world we want to create, and it’s so exciting to see it in action.

Today I want to share one of our Lead the Change participants, Carol’s inspiring story with you.

Stepping into Lover at NATO

One area which you might not associate with innovative feminine models of leadership is the military. But as part of NATO, Carol’s role is all about inviting different ways of thinking to this very hierarchical environment.

Last year, she had an opportunity to put it into practice.

“I was co-facilitating a set of 5 workshops at the NATO Allied Command Transformation “Chiefs of Transformation” conference.

The Chiefs of Transformation are the second most senior level in our militaries, reporting directly to the top tier Generals and Admirals who provide strategic leadership and advice to Presidents and Prime Ministers.

At the conference there were 70 senior officers representing almost 50 nations and around 300 other attendees, including lower ranking military officers, industry representatives and a few post-graduate students from Washington universities.”

Straight away, Carol saw a possibility.

“The opportunity I had was to get these very senior military commanders thinking about the value of becoming more collaborative, and ideally agreeing to develop collaborative opportunities as a result.”

The conference happened to come the week after our BeLove retreat, when our Lead the Change cohort had explored the Women’s PowerType™ of Lover in some depth. So Carol was ready to discover what a new kind of leadership could achieve.

5 PowerTypes – what’s my leadership style?

Lover is one of the 5 PowerTypes™– along with Sorceress, Warrioress, Queen and Mother – we use to model new ways of women’s leadership.

All of us are naturally drawn more to some of these PowerTypes than others. For example, you might naturally step into “Warrioress” energy when you’re in charge. As a leader, you roll up your sleeves and work alongside your team, never asking anyone to do anything you wouldn’t do yourself. Full of energy and ever-resilient, your commitment to fighting for justice and what’s right is formidable.

Or perhaps you connect more to Lover as a leader. Your team are drawn to you because of how you make them feel: special, lavished with attention, and magnetic through your innate persona.

In Carol’s words,

“My story is mainly about using Lover, alongside Queen archetype in order to achieve buy-in and collaboration among senior military leaders across NATO, and other allied nations, to become more diverse in their thinking and collaborative in their style of command.”

Carol’s story

“During the conference set-up, it was immediately noticeable how radically different our workshop set-up was to that of the other 4 nations leading workshops.

We had no top table for the senior commanders, instead spreading them out around our large circle (we had about 70 attendees in each workshop, differing on each occasion).

On the first day of the conference I took conscious steps to step into both Queen and Lover PowerTypes, listening to key songs that really help me embody them.

At the start of each session I had a 5-minute introductory brief, which I delivered using every ounce of Queen PowerType I could muster – serenely and at what felt like an incredibly slow pace to allow for the majority of participants who would be working with English as a second language.

Then I joined my colleague who was leading the facilitation at the central table; at which point I would switch to Lover.

In “fishbowl facilitation”, the style we had chosen to use, anyone who wishes to speak has to step up from the outer circle to join one of the couple of chairs where the conversation happens in the centre of the room.

In a military hierarchy it is a massive challenge for officers to speak their opinion in front of those many ranks senior to them.

My role was to invite people to feel confident enough to come up and speak, then ensure they felt heard and valued when they did.

Although the first workshop worked, and many thanked us afterwards – we learned a few lessons: in particular to wait out silences, and at times to use the two officers we had supporting us to step up and speak.

After that we got people stepping up and joining the discussion much more smoothly: students in their mid-twenties providing responses to questions put forward by senior military commanders; having a non-commissioned officer speaking up for the experience of other ranks; and eventually getting some female voices (other than mine) heard. Women were outnumbered about 15 to 1!

The point I knew I was definitely leading from Lover was when a French General walked past an empty chair at the table saying, “I am Frrrench, I vill sit next to ze lady.”

I had already noticed a tendency for people to sit next to me, walking past the other chair when it was empty.

Prior to my One of many trainings I would have felt nervous getting that attention, but with the balance of Queen and Lover I felt totally safe, and understood I was achieving the leadership that was required in that moment.

After each session my co-facilitator and I had a lot of people (including those who hadn’t spoken) thanking us for a good workshop, sharing ideas and giving us their business cards. I became very good at gracefully excusing myself so I got a few minutes downtime between each session!”

The outcomes:

  • 17 Nations, 3 different organisations within NATO and an international research alliance all expressed interest in collaborating to develop capabilities to make military command more collaborative.
  • The buzz around the conference was that the UK workshops were the best. The report from the UK’s Chief of Transformation to three of the most senior officers in the UK military was glowing. This and the level of interest from other nations is being used to try and secure significant additional funding to enhance our capability in this area.
  • Our team learned a lot about overcoming this discomfort of leading in such an unusual and unfamiliar way – I’m pulling this experience back in to enhance my research and exploitation of the challenging ideas it presents to UK military.

Bringing different leadership styles into your life

Carol’s story shows just how powerful this work can be. We really are changing the world, and having an impact that will ripple out into all kinds of realms.

But you don’t have to be a leader at NATO to use these tools.

If you’re curious about your leadership style, and how to bring more of the different PowerTypes into your life, you might want to take a look at our free bundle of resources.

As part of Life’s Little Toolkit you can download a guide exploring each of the PowerTypes, along with a playlist of music that can help you bring them to life. Click here to access your Toolkit now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What self love is not

By

Wendy Harrington

Founder at One of many

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

The concepts of “self love” and “self care” get talked about a lot in personal development circles. You might catch yourself thinking that you really should be doing more to take care of yourself, or show yourself love. (Feeling like a failure about your lack of kindness to yourself kind of defeats the point, don’t you think?). At One of many we have a very clear take on self love, and how it fits into our lives, so today I thought I’d break down 3 important distinctions to make when we talk about self love – and what self love is not.

Self love is not selfish

It’s a common assumption that loving yourself is a selfish or narcissistic tendency, when the opposite is true. Being able to accept yourself for who you are – imperfections included – is a really important step in becoming someone who’s able to be generous and forgiving of others.

The fact is, constantly feeling inadequate, or experiencing feelings of shame, doesn’t just affect you. Getting caught up in insecurity takes your energy and focus away from the things you’re here to do – whether it’s making a difference with your career, your family or your community.

Learning how to love yourself might in fact be one of the most generous things you can do.

Self love is not something you have to do alone

A bubble bath, a good book… our stereotypical images of self love often involve us being alone, and for good reason. Time to ourselves is a precious commodity in this hyper-connected world.

But learning to love yourself can be something that’s far easier to do in a group of likeminded others – people who can really appreciate your special qualities, and reflect them back to you.

On our retreats, and in the training we lead for coaches, many women experience for the first time what it’s like to be seen and truly appreciated. Even within the lively community of our Facebook Group it’s remarkable how much lifting up there is of one another; how much appreciation for all the hundreds of tiny unseen acts of courage we show in our daily lives.

If you’ve been trying to find a way to love yourself in isolation, maybe it’s time to connect with a safe community of women who can help show you what you’re missing – the things others notice that you might never have stopped to appreciate.

Self love is not a luxury

When you need comfort, reassurance, or just some time to rest up after a setback or a blow to your confidence, it’s really important to be aware of how you can best take care of yourself. That doesn’t have to mean having a full-on spa experience when things are going well and you’re feeling sky high. (Though that sounds lovely – sign me up!)

It’s also about noticing when you could do with a bit more rest, and choosing to have an early night. It might mean standing up for yourself when it comes to your demanding boss or needy friend, setting clear boundaries, and claiming some space for yourself.

Self love can be choosing to get up and have a glass of water when you need a break; making sure your kitchen’s stocked with nourishing food when you know you’ve got a busy few weeks coming up, or spending time with a friend who lights you up.

The Women’s PowerTypes™ perspective

At One of many, we use the Women’s PowerTypes™ as a tool to help us understand where we need to grow, and as tools to help guide our expansion. We each have a unique “profile” reflecting the PowerTypes we most easily embody, as well as those we find more challenging to step into.

These 5 powerful PowerTypes help us to show up fully as ourselves, whatever the situation, as well as showing us where we might want to focus our attention to see the biggest results when it comes to making change.

Each of the PowerTypes™: Warrioress, Sorceress, Mother, Lover and Queen – contains aspects of self love. Whether it’s honouring our playful nature, trusting in the mystery of the universe, or knowing we have the capacity to make great decisions, loving yourself starts by knowing that you are able to step into your power whatever the circumstances.

The two PowerTypes™ most relevant to self love are Lover and Mother.

When we’re in Mother, we are infinitely empathetic and compassionate. At our best, these qualities allow us to nurture ourselves as we do everyone else in our orbit. But when this aspect of our personalities is over-expressed, we can tip into the martyr, neglecting our own wellbeing to support others.

This is where the PowerTypes of the Lover comes in. Sensual and pleasure-seeking, she reminds us to honour our physical needs and delight in the world of the senses.

To find out more about the PowerTypes™, download our free guide to the Women’s PowerTypes™ – it’s part of Life’s Little Toolkit, our secret weapon of 5 free resources to help you through whatever life throws at you.

Click here to download it now.

And share your take on self love in the comments – how do you take good care of yourself in your day to day, and what tips would you give any woman who’s finding it a challenge?

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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I love my kids, so why do I shout at them?

By

Wendy Harrington

Founder at One of many

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

It’s something every parent has surely found themselves wondering from time to time: I love my kids, so why do I shout at them?

If you don’t have children, there’s probably another example you can think of.

You adore your partner – so what was with those sarcastic words that came out of your mouth when they asked an innocent question about your plans a few weeks ago?

Or maybe you find yourself responding with surly monosyllables in conversation with your Dad one Sunday afternoon. Are you forty, or fourteen right now?

I’m sure you can think of an example from your own life where you found yourself lashing out at someone you know you care very deeply about. It can be so frustrating. You know you’re a capable, confident woman deep down. So where on earth does she disappear to at these times, and what can you do to get her to return?

You’re not alone

First things first, you are most definitely not alone. Sit down for a glass of wine with any mother and she’ll probably confess to moments when she really wasn’t proud of the example she was setting to her kids.

Sit down with a glass of wine with me, and I’ll confess to moments of the same.

We all have times when we slip into a mode that’s not really who we are, or who we want to be…

One client I talked to at one of our retreats told me abut a recent time when she’d totally lost it with her husband. “I was cruel and mean,” she told me, thinking back to the way she’d lashed out at him. “And it wasn’t even over anything big.”

At One of manywe refer to these unhelpful responses as coming from disempowering archetypes, and there’s three that most of us identify with at one time or another.

3 ways we lose it with our loved ones

1. There’s the Bitch – cutting, maybe even sarcastic, and always unkind, she’s the sharp tongue that snaps at your kids when they’re taking far too long to get ready; the tone that has your partner running for cover, or the look that makes your colleagues wish the floor would swallow them up.

2. The Victim is that stroppy teenager part of you – the girl who just thinks life is so unfair, but that there’s absolutely nothing she can do about it. In victim mode, we throw up our hands and declare that everything’s out of our control. It’s all other people’s fault, and you might as well just curl up in a ball and give up. Nothing you can do could possibly make a difference anyway, right?

3. The final sister in our trio of despondency is the Martyr. Her signature is to pile up her plate with task after task, responsibility after responsibility, sacrificing her own wellbeing for everyone else – and simmering with resentment about it. She’s the last one to leave the office and the first to volunteer for an extra duty, with a big sigh to make sure everyone knows how hard she’s working.

Breaking free of the disempowering archetypes

Crowning all 3 of these is the archetype we call Superwoman. She’s the woman trying to juggle everything: her home, her relationship, her work, her self-expression… doing it all, by herself, with no one else’s help. She simply doesn’t have a stop button.

Superwoman runs on pure adrenaline, most of the time, and it’s no surprise that when we push ourselves to be in superwoman mode for most (or all!) of the time, we can find ourselves heading for exhaustion, sickness or burnout.

What’s going on?

Knowing these archetypes is a really great way of starting to be able to get to a more resourceful place – one where you can actually begin to anticipate times when things are going to get tough, and maybe even change your behavior ahead of time.

In our BePowerful program we use an exercise called “trigger tracking” to begin to notice exactly when we tend to move into the archetypes that least serve us.

For my client who’d shouted at her husband, she identified quickly that she was moving into”bitch” mode. And the trigger was nothing to do with her husband – it was a looming work deadline that sent her into a tailspin of stress that was directed at her nearest and dearest.

What you can do

So if you find yourself yelling at your kids, it’s likely that you’re moving into one of these disempowering archetypes – and that might well be because Superwoman is showing up in your life.

Here’s how to gently retire these ladies from your day-to-day life.

1. Forgive yourself

When you’ve shouted at your children or said something unkind, it’s easy to let that drag you into self-recrimination: “I shouldn’t have said that”… “I’m a horrible person”.

Start by forgiving yourself. We all have off days; we’ve all said things we wished we could take back from time to time. Apologise to the person you snapped at, if that’s appropriate, and then move on. This is a prompt for you to take a closer look at yourself and see if you can change the pattern.

2. Notice what happened

Get curious about what it is that flared up, and what happened just before it to prompt it. Was it, like my client, a reminder of a pressing work deadline that had you worrying you might fail – a touch of “imposter syndrome”? Or did your partner inadvertently remind you of an insecurity about feeling accepted?

Kids can be great at pushing our buttons, completely without meaning to – and with no idea of the reaction they’re going to get.

Identifying your “triggers” isn’t about going into victim mode or blaming others for setting us off. But it can help you give those closest to you clues about times you’re likely to feel tense, and give you a heads up that it might be time to prepare for stress to come up.

3. Take care of yourself first

The bottom line when temper flares is that your needs aren’t being met in some way. Perhaps you’re run down and exhausted, and you just need a rest. (If you’re completely overwhelmed, our overwhelm first aid kit might be just the thing).

Or there might be some historical emotional patterns that are asking for your attention. Working with a coach or through a program like BePowerful is a really gentle, supportive way to take a look at any area where you know you’re not feeling at your best, and learn new strategies to make changes.

How about you?

Do you know you have a tendency to flare up at certain points? What are the triggers for you, and how do you work through them – letting the people in your life know when you have a pressing deadline, perhaps, or giving yourself an extra time buffer in between appointments so you (and the kids) can decompress? Share what works for you in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

 

 

 

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How to stop feeling guilty

By

Wendy Harrington

Founder at One of many

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

All of us feel guilt at some time or another. But if you think that guilt’s a purely negative thing that you ought to be avoiding at all costs, pause. I believe that guilt can actually be an incredibly useful emotion, and if we learn what it’s trying to tell us we can absolutely learn how to stop feeling guilty, as well.

As a mother, it feels that guilt is almost something that’s inbuilt into my life – so you’ll have to excuse me if this blog is a bit mum-centric as I share my personal experience. Because guilt’s absolutely not a feeling that’s limited to mothers.

Whether it’s an awareness of our impact on the environment, the amount of time we spend with our partners, our choices about what we eat or how we behave, there are plenty of things to potentially feel guilty about in the modern world.

So how on earth can this actually be something that’s helpful to us?

Guilt: a personal story

When my first child, James, was born, I was fortunate to be able to take a big chunk of time off. So the classic “Mum guilt” didn’t have such an impact on me. But when our second child, Rosie, came along, that all changed.

As our vision has evolved over the past few years, I’ve fallen more and more deeply in love with this work and our amazing community. More than just a job, this is my soul calling – my true purpose in the world. So when Rosie was born I knew one thing to be true: I didn’t want to stop working with One of many just at the point where it felt our mission was really gathering momentum.

That means my work has grown alongside my family. Rosie’s been coming along with me to events since she was 5 weeks old. Of course, I made some changes to accommodate my needs as a new mum, but halting my contribution to the team completely just wouldn’t have felt right.

And there you have it, the perfect recipe for guilt: two children for whom I am the sun, moon and stars, and a business that I’m absolutely clear is my soul purpose.

James is old enough now to be able to ask me outright: “Why do you have to go to work today – why can’t you pick me up from school?” Cue the guilt!

Don’t get me wrong, I know how lucky I am. For so many mums, doing the school pickup is never an option, let alone being able to work from home and spend time together during holidays and breaks.

And then there are mums like our team’s amazing Wendy, who almost lost her life after the birth of her third child. Seriously ill, it just wasn’t possible for her to be there in the way she wanted to for her newborn baby – and yet the guilt was still there!

Whether you’re a mum or not, I don’t think guilt is something any of us can escape from experiencing, but it’s really important we pay attention to it: and here’s why.

Why guilt can be so destructive

If we find ourselves doing guilt a lot, it’s often because we’ve slipped into the disempowering archetype of the Martyr. This is often associated with the role of mother, whether or not or you have children. If that sounds confusing – being a Mother when you don’t have kids? – let me explain.

In our Women’s PowerTypes™ tool, Mother is one of the powerful roles that all of us women can choose to step into. Along with Warrioress, Queen, Sorceress and Lover, it’s a PowerType we can draw on from time to time.

Regardless of whether or not you have children of your own, Mother is our nurturing, compassionate, deeply loving side that sees the best in everyone and is always there to offer comfort and support.

It’s also an aspect that, when over-expressed, can slip into feeling guilty, and ultimately become the Martyr, endlessly exhausting herself in the service of others.

When guilt become destructive

It can be tempting to try and fight feelings of guilt with more action. To take another example, perhaps you feel guilty about not spending enough time with your friends – and book in drinks on an evening when you’ve already done a full day of work, made dinner and done all the evening chores at home. You meet your friend feeling tired, ratty, and utterly uninterested in hearing the latest saga in her ongoing feud with a colleague.

That’s when guilt can lead to resentment, and start to become really destructive in our relationships. We start telling ourselves that everyone else gets attention before we do, and forget the importance of really giving to ourselves.

So why do we feel guilt?

If we can’t get rid of guilt by doing more, what’s the solution?

The whole issue of guilt starts to make a lot more sense when we get to the bottom of the real reason we feel guilty.

Guilt is an emotion that prompts us to take a look at whether we’re really living according to our values.

So, when you feel it, the important thing to do is to stop. If you know what your values are, you can do a quick check in – are you living in alignment with them right now? If the answer’s yes, you know you can let go of that guilt.

For me, I know that self-expression is a really high value for me. Contributing through my work is the impact I am here on this planet to make, and so I’m able to recognize that, although my instincts as a mother create feelings of guilt from time to time, they’re not something I need to hold on to.

How to let go of guilt

If you’re clear you’re living up to your values, and yet you’re still finding it really hard to release any guilty feelings that come up, it might be a sign that you’re hanging on to an emotion from the past that it’s time to let go of.

That might even include guilt you’ve inherited from someone else. If your own mother felt a lot of guilt, you might have been brought up hearing things like “it’s selfish to think about yourself”.

In our members area we have free resources to help you release emotions, including guilt, which might be holding you back. You can click here to join our community and get access to all of them, including a free audio recording all about emotions and how to manage them.

Guilt and you

Guilt’s such a common emotion that it’s really important we gain the understanding we need of why it occurs and what we can do to shift it.

Whether it’s taking the time to look after yourself – so your Mother doesn’t slip into Martyr – or dealing with residual emotions that are no longer serving you, addressing guilt is a powerful way to create change in your life.

And the effect on those around you, if guilt is something that’s been a big presence in your life, can be immense.

How about you? Does guilt play a big part in your life, or is it something you’re pretty confident you know how to handle? Share your experience in the comments.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The Soft Power Revolution

By

Wendy Harrington

Founder at One of many

Latest posts by Wendy Harrington (see all)

Last week saw us hosting our inaugural One of many™ Women’s Coach Training. It was truly a phenomenal week of transformation.

I have to say I am both thrilled and relieved to have accomplished this training at 37 weeks pregnant! And it struck me as a time of giving birth to two babies at the moment. Our own little Pumpkin, who has been upgraded from Peanut in the last month (can you see why from the picture?) and our One of many baby is also ready to be taken out further into the world.

This first coaching cohort are really fired up to share what they’ve been learning about Soft Power with other women and the world. But what is this thing called Soft Power? Where does it come from? Why do we use the term and what does it mean?

The state of women: bad news

According to UK statistics:

  • 29% of us are going to be treated for a mental health condition in our life compared to 17% of men
  • One in four of us are going to be diagnosed with depression compared with one in ten men1
  • We’re twice as likely to suffer with anxiety2
  • We’re 60% more likely to suffer job stress and burnout than men
  • 42% of our marriages are ending in divorce3
  • 40% of us are going to have cancer at some time in our life4
  • A sixth of couples have difficulty conceiving
  • The gender pay gap, at time of writing, is the highest that it’s been in 20 years5
  • We are less happy as a gender than we were 40 years ago6

Indeed, since 1972 more than 6 different studies of millions of people around the world have shown that women’s overall level of happiness has dropped both relative to where they were 40 years ago, and relative to men. Now, this is regardless of whether they have kids, how many kids they have, how much money they make, how healthy they are, what job they hold, whether they’re married, single, divorced, how old they are or what race they are. With the slight exception of African-American women who are slightly happier than they were 40 years ago, but still less happy than their men.

So, we’re getting less happy, even though we find ourselves at a time when we have more access to opportunity and more access to power than we’ve ever had.

So, how does a woman who wants to step up and make her highest contribution in the world and step up to leadership do that in a way which still allows her to be happy and healthy?

The state of women: good news

The good news for we women is that we’ve got amazing opportunities right now.

  • 80% of the newly self-employed since 2008 are women7
  • According to CNN women are the largest economic force in the world – not China or India
  • There’s a huge calling for more women on boards, in parliament, in leadership8
  • The Dalai Lama even said “the world will be saved by the Western woman”9

So, on one hand there’s a calling for us to step up and lead.  Many of us feel in our hearts that that’s the path and our contribution that we need to make. But on the other hand, we’re burning out, we’re sick, we’re infertile and we’re unhappy. What’s the problem here?

The One of many™ hypothesis

We propose that the power that it took to get us where we are, to create amazing opportunities, to compete and be taken seriously as a force in the world; is not the kind of power that is going to be able to sustain us here.

We need a new kind of power to be the woman that the world needs us to be.

Understanding Women’s Power

Stereotypically, there’s two kind of types of power that we’re most aware of right now.

One is, the bossy woman; she wears the trousers, the dominating, effectively very masculine Superwoman. But, she gets some stuff done.

The other powerful kind of woman that we recognise with is the woman who use sex as power. Think of our pop stars and our movie stars using that kind of sexy power.

They’re the two types of power that we tend to see most commonly in women trying to be “powerful”. And that’s because of the cultural paradigm that we live in. They’re the only two types of power that we’ve really given any credit to and, unfortunately, we’re playing with two keys on the piano, neither of which are particularly useful. But we’re in a masculine paradigm.

There is enlightening research by Hofstede’s into the relative masculinity of different cultures.  Highly masculine cultures display a preference in society for achievement, heroism, assertiveness and material rewards for success. Society at large is more competitive. Its opposite, femininity, stands for a preference for cooperation, modesty, caring for the weak and quality of life. Society at large is more consensus-oriented. In the business context Masculinity versus Femininity is sometimes also related to as “tough versus tender” cultures.10 This can lead to women acting like Superwomen to juggle all they have to do. Sound familiar?

What paradigm did you grow up in? Has it been more masculine or has it been more feminine?

Note also that the workplace itself though, is also another masculine paradigm. The domain of commerce and economics, since its inception many thousands of years ago, has been predominately dominated by men. It’s only really been very recently that we’ve seen anywhere near equality in representation inside of commerce. And there are some industries where it is still nowhere near equal. Especially in upper level management and board level, where we’re seeing still nowhere near equality of representation.

So, many of us live in countries that are embedded in a masculine paradigm. Then, we’re operating, as professional women in workplaces with unconscious bias towards the masculine. And then, many of us have individual experiences growing up that program us even further, to take on the masculine Superwoman archetype.

What’s the solution?

Our suggestion here at One of many™ is that instead of operating, always, in this masculine way we need to step into a different kind of power.

And we call that Soft Power. It’s no less powerful than masculine power. It’s just different.

Let’s define soft: “agreeable, calm, gentle, yielding”.

Now watch your response to this.  Note that any master of martial arts, will know that the greatest way to get power from your opponent is to absorb the impact of their attack and turn that energy back against them. So, being yielding is sometimes a really powerful thing to do; not always fight, fight, fight.

Power: etymology: the middle English, which is “to be able.”

It’s not about dominion over, it’s just about an ability to do anything.

How do we, as women, start to be more able using a different kind of power?

We find central to it is the collaboration of many and not just the pursuit of one.

Let’s look at another example so that you understand this.  If you were to buy a hairdryer in the USA, it is designed to use the voltage 110 volts. Your US hairdryer works perfectly efficiently on 110V.

If you were to take that hair dryer to the UK where the voltage coming out of the wall is 230 volts and plug it in you would short it out. However, if you were to plug in a British hair dryer into the sockets in the UK, it works with perfect efficiency.

What’s the difference? Is 230 V better than 110 V?

Is 110 V better than 230 V?

I don’t know and frankly it doesn’t really matter.

In just the same way, masculine energy isn’t better than feminine energy, what we would call Soft Power. And feminine is not better than masculine. It’s simply a question of what’s the right energy, the right voltage for your machinery.

Our bodies are designed to utilise more feminine energy than the average Western woman runs through her. We have breasts, a uterus, a different hormonal make up.  Our biology is different to men. Men look different to women, they have a different biological make up.

Does biology impact psychology?  Probably, but that’s not the point. What is relevant is that there are very many women burning out because we’re plugged into the wrong voltage.

If you’re living in masculine energy, with aggression, drive, that adrenaline fueled way of being will soon burn you out. Your marriage isn’t going to last long, your relationships are not going to last long and your health is not going to last long because your machinery is not designed to operate on that voltage.

So, what we invite you to explore- and that’s all we ask- is the possibility that there is a power that is more suited for you.

And it’s not about one or the other. Masculine or feminine all the time.

It’s about harmony.

Most of us ignore the feminine though because we think it is weak.

What are your thoughts when I use the word “feminine”? Let me know in the comments below.

At One of many™ we work with 5 Women’s PowerTypes™, all feminine, all strong:

  • Warrioress
  • Lover
  • Mother
  • Queen
  • Sorceress

What if we were to come from this place of Soft Power? What if we were able flow between masculine and feminine energy as required?

Sometimes you need nothing but a good bit of masculine energy to push through and churn out that project that needs completing by Friday afternoon. But, then you want to be able to go into your Soft Power when you get home to be with your family and your spouse because they’re not going to want to hang out with somebody who’s still pushing through and in overdrive.

It’s about harmony.

So, for many of us, we need to swing the pendulum back the other way. We need to learn to trust what we call our Soft Power. We need to re-discover the power in our softness and that is the journey that we’re all on here together.

If this blog resonates with you and you’d like to discover how you can use cutting edge, proven tools and techniques designed for the unique personal and professional growth of women then click here to find out more about our Coaching Certification.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

References:

  1. National Institute For Clinical Excellence, 2003
  2. The Office for National Statistics Psychiatric Morbidity report, 2001
  3. http://webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk/20160105160709/http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/vsob1/divorces-in-england-and-wales/2011/sty-what-percentage-of-marriages-end-in-divorce.html
  4. http://www.cancerresearchuk.org
  5. Research by the Institute for Fiscal Studies. https://www.ft.com/content/94e2e7b8-6874-11e6-ae5b-a7cc5dd5a28c
  6. The Paradox of declining female happiness by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers 2009 http://www.nber.org/papers/w14969.pdf
  7. http://www.prowess.org.uk/facts
  8. https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/mar/05/not-enough-women-highest-levels-leadership
  9. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suojNzKZ8ew
  10. https://geert-hofstede.com/national-culture.html