One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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One of Many Voices: Veronica Roberts

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

As an Educational Psychologist, Veronica has spent her career working with children and parents. But it wasn’t until she became a mum herself that a moment of total vulnerability and overwhelm sparked an idea for a new movement to help women find connection and support. We asked her to share more of her story…

What do you do?

I am an Educational Psychologist – which includes a wide variety of roles (one of the things I love about it!) A lot of my time is spent working with parents and teachers to explore the needs of a child/young person and consider ways of supporting them so that they can thrive, rather than just survive, their school years. I also deliver training and research with the University of Bath.

I went self-employed after having our son and realizing that working for a local authority was just not going to be flexible enough for our family. Now I work 3 days a week.

More recently, for my Lead The Change project, I have founded the i know… parent collective.

Tell us more about that project.

i know… is about building upon the collective support between parents. It’s about those ‘moments’ we all experience as parents; where we can feel overwhelmed, lost, unsure what to do, and alone. In those moments it can feel like the world is watching, and potentially judging us.

The idea behind i know… is that in those moments, we might look around and see other parents wearing a badge that says ‘i know…’ – a visual symbol that they know what it’s like, they get it, they’re not judging us and they’re willing to help if they can.

The aim is that those moments of vulnerability, instead of becoming feelings of fear and shame, might become moments of connection, empathy and compassion.

Give us the big “why” you do what you do?

Part of my motivation for starting ‘i know…’ stems from my personal experience of becoming a mother and the struggles I experienced.

I very much felt that as a trained child psychologist I should know what I was doing all the time (!) and the perfectionist in me also screamed that I should be doing it perfectly all the time.

I judged myself so harshly for every perceived misstep of motherhood that I made and felt so incredibly vulnerable when I struggled in public. I felt like everyone would not only think I was a terrible mother, but also rubbish at my job as well.

When I returned to work I started really hearing what parents were saying, in a way I never had before and I suddenly realized – I’m not alone in this experience, and actually if we share that vulnerability, then ironically, the vulnerability reduces and a collective strength can take its place.

By reducing parent stress levels in those ‘moments’, parents become more able to support their child and themselves through the stress and distress and/or ask for the help they need.

What’s your daily routine?

Part of our family life is that no two days are the same! Both my work and my husband’s are so variable that what I’ve ended up doing is having different routine ‘templates’ for the top and tails of different types of day: When my husband is at home, when he’s not, when I’m working from home, and when I’m not.

Things I try to build into every morning are:

  • A bowl of porridge (only way I survive until lunch!)
  • Physio and Mutu exercises (whilst my son is having breakfast)
  • Inspiring piece of music either in the shower or in the car
  • I also try to finish work half an hour before I pick up our son from nursery and have 2 songs that I dance to which I call my ‘End of Day Debrief’ – one track to release emotion and one to recap the things I have enjoyed or feel went well. This was an exercise I designed with my LTC coach as I realized I was really good at shelving difficult feelings and never coming back to them (so they just grew). And I was hardly ever able to take real joy in my accomplishments, so having a few minutes just to recap the positives of a day and dance them into my body has really helped.

Things I try to put in at the end of each day:

  • Playing my Tibetan singing bowl
  • recapping the day with gratitude
  • reading a good book for a few minutes before sleep

What demands do you balance every day in conjunction with your work?

I’m mother to a very lively and curious 4-year old and wife to a very lively, vibrant and driven man. My husband also runs his own business consultancy firm. A lot of his work is in London or abroad and he can be away for up to 3 weeks at a time. The need for this can arise with a day or week’s notice. This can make it tricky to plan in advance!

To balance the demands that this can place on me I’ve opted to have more childcare than I actually need for work alone and I schedule my self-care, ‘lifemin’, I know… work, exercise etc all within childcare hours so that even when my husband is away, it is still possible for me to meet my needs and therefore manage whilst he is away.

How do you feel about women’s “lot” these days?

When I became a mother, I’d never felt love quite like it, I remember thinking that if we could bottle that feeling and drip feed it to dictators we would have the answer to world peace! I felt privileged to be a woman and able to experience it.

But one of the other main emotions I experienced as a new mother was frankly, rage. Because all my life I had been told by society that as a woman I was equal…and I felt like I’d been completely duped!

As I sat there breastfeeding our little boy on the sofa I felt anything but equal.

It felt like my freedom had been stripped away, whilst my husband’s remained intact and untouched by the experience of becoming a father (probably a bit of an overstatement in hindsight, but I was hormonal at the time!).

The dwindling of my maternity pay and then its complete disappearance left me financially dependent on a man for the first time in my life and it made me hugely resentful that because we had chosen to have a child, I was suddenly financially penalized. I still believe this sends a really strong message of just how much society devalues the role of caregivers, mainly performed by women. Becoming a mother was the first time in my life that I had so explicitly felt discriminated against as a woman and I hate that that feeling is tied to one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

However, one of my most profound shifts through my Lead The Change journey followed on from the BeLove retreat. I sat down with my husband and shared how uncomfortable, guilty and at times, resentful I felt that I worked and earned less than he did as a man.

The conversation that followed transformed our relationship. He had tears in his eyes as he said to me, “But you get to make a difference to people’s lives! I don’t get to do that! So let me do what I do, so that you can do what you do, because that means I’m making a difference too.”

And I suddenly realized, in my feminist stance I’d created a financial competition between us that was tearing us apart. But if we both did what we were good at then there was a beauty in the contribution we could make together and the life that we could lead.

I still feel that women are financially discriminated against for being biologically designed to have children…which seems a bit crazy when you step back from it, as the survival of the human species kind of depends on that function! But, I’ve realized there are other alternatives to men and women competing to do the same as one another. So, in a nutshell, I think things have improved, but we still have so much further to go!

How do you juggle your relationship and business now?

At my first One Woman Conference in 2017 my husband and I were going through an incredibly difficult time – it felt like we were leading separate lives and were no longer really connected or hearing one another.

After the OWC I came back and told him (using my Queen PowerType!) that I wasn’t happy and couldn’t see how we were going to survive as a couple without both making some significant changes. Lead The Change was one of those things, my husband receiving some coaching was another, but also, we agreed to make time for each other.

As my husband had just entered self-employment too we had the luxury of flexibility, and so we set aside one morning a week whilst our son was at nursery to do things together as a couple.

There are some weeks where this just isn’t possible, but we have it as a general rule and it has made such a difference to our relationship. Prioritising our relationship like this has helped us rekindle our connection and helps keep things in perspective, because if we’re not ‘right’ as a couple, then it has an impact on everything else, and work isn’t worth that.

Do you think you people around you (on social media, and face to face) understand who you authentically are?

The i know… project has totally pushed me out of my comfort zone in terms of displaying my vulnerabilities ‘out loud’ via social media.

It is only because of the i know… vision and this sharing being an attempt to support other parents with their journey and challenges that I have been able to develop the courage to do that and at times it has felt excruciating. The most amazing thing is, the posts where I have felt most vulnerable have had the most positive responses and that has been such an amazing gift of a lesson!

The Lead The Change community has also helped me really understand I can be who I am and still be appreciated, warts and all. So yes, I think people are beginning to see the authentic me.

But more importantly from my perspective, I am becoming comfortable with the idea that when people see me, they may or may not like me, but that doesn’t mean I need to change who I am to ‘fit’.

Who do you look up to as a woman?

Brené Brown – she is just so fricking awesome!!

What are you doing to help elevate the women of developing nations?

For every i know… badge sold, 20p is being collected for Deki – a charity set up by Vashti Seth, another Lead The Change participant, to support entrepreneurs in Africa grow their businesses.

I had always felt so helpless about the situation in developing countries and unable to support in a meaningful way. Then one fateful retreat I ended up giving Vashti a lift home and she totally changed my perspective – and gave me hope that I could make a difference further afield too.

Ready to lead your change?

If you’re inspired by Veronica’s story and would like to find out more about our Lead The Change program, click here to leave your name and details. One of our friendly team will be in touch to arrange a time to chat.

Veronica Roberts

Parapet head popper | Catalyst for compassion | Coffee addict

To find out more about Veronica and her work, reach her online here:

Facebook page: www.facebook.com/iknowcollective
Website: www.drvroberts.co.uk

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What Michelle Obama has to say about the power of community

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

It was as the First Lady of the United States that we first came to know Michelle Obama. But since leaving the White House she’s stepped seemingly effortlessly into a role that arguably eclipses her husband’s in terms of influence and inspiration.

As a mother, a leader and an advocate for women’s power (not to mention a sought-after speaker and best selling author), she’s managed to retain a genuine air of relatability.

I’m sure I’m one of many women who could totally imagine grabbing a coffee (or a cocktail!) with Michelle, instinctively feeling that sense of closeness that only comes from deep authenticity and openness.

It’s a rare quality in a public figure and one that speaks of remarkable inner strength. And as I read back over some of her best-known quotes, it’s easy to see why. So many of the Soft Power principles we live by here at One of many have been powerfully articulated by Michelle over the years. Here’s a roundup of just a few.

On the importance of taking care of yourself

In her interviews and conversations, Michelle’s repeatedly been an advocate for taking care of ourselves as women. Around here, we know it as “Soft Power Principle Number One”: First, replenish yourself.

It might sound obvious – if you’re hungry, you eat. If you’re tired, you sleep… Right? Only, as any woman who’s pushed through overwhelm, exhaustion or fed-up-ness knows – it’s surprising how long you can keep going past your own natural limits, when you feel you have no choice.

As mothers, as leaders and as team members we know that even when we’re mentally and physically depleted, somehow we can keep going. But that doesn’t mean we should. In Michelle’s words,

“Women in particular need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we’re scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don’t have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to do’ list.”

I love how Michelle frames self-care not only as a matter of doing what’s right for ourselves, but as a model for the next generation.

Our actions matter when it comes to the example we set to the women looking up to us.

How can we show them how we expect them to be treated in the world? Leaving the office on time, so that junior colleagues see that holding power responsibly doesn’t entail burning the candle at both ends? Or letting the young people in your life – nieces, baristas, the student intern – see that you’re not afraid to show up as you are, and ask for what you need?

For Michelle, part of her leadership is showing her daughters how important it is to make time for herself.

“When I get up and work out, I’m working out just as much for my girls as I am for me, because I want them to see a mother who loves them dearly, who invests in them, but who also invests in herself.

It’s just as much about letting them know as young women that it is okay to put yourself a little higher on your priority list.”

Whether it’s taking responsibility for our finances; creating equal partnerships with our spouses, or standing up for the causes we believe in, we’re not only doing it for us but also acting as leaders to the women growing up in the world we’re creating. I don’t know about you but for me that’s a real motivator when it comes to prioritizing my needs.

We can’t do it alone

So it’s important to take time for ourselves, and to remember that we’re always modelling choices for those around us to. But what happens when things get hard? When perhaps the thought of being an “example” to others can feel like pressure we just don’t need.

Here’s another thread where I find our work hugely aligned with Michelle’s – connection with other women. In her words,

“Sometimes we can’t do this alone, and we shouldn’t have to.”

Our community of women is one of the most powerful I’ve ever experienced – when it comes to work, life, or relationships, I never fail to be astonished by the depth of the friendships and support I see at our retreats, at the One Woman Conference, and in our online community.

For some of us, it’s the first time we’ve experienced true connection with other women – who we can rely on to tell us the truth, share their highs and their lows, and stand with us as we grow.

On the days when I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water I can hugely relate to how highly Michelle speaks of her own inner circle of women.

“I relied on my girlfriends to get me through one of the hardest eight years of my life. … We have to remember to be that for each other.

We have to be each other’s light. We cannot get into that catty stuff. We have to find a way to continue to lift other women up in our worlds and in our lives as much as possible.”

Lifting other women up. It’s a phrase that sums up so beautifully the power of our community and the truth that we’ll all rise higher when we do it together.

If you’d love to experience it for yourself, click here to join us and find out more. We all need each other if we’re going to create the world we want to live in.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: Why are resolutions so hard to keep?

By

Sara Price

Sara Price

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author.
Sara Price

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As I write this, it’s January. A new year. And a time when many of us are promising ourselves that this year will be different. This year, we will stick to the diet / never smoke again / learn to play the guitar / travel more / be kinder…

Our good intentions are endless and, to paraphrase Mark Twain, the odds are that we will spend the rest of the year paving the road to Hell with them.

A few weeks in, how are you getting on? Is your enthusiasm waning? Are you making little deals with yourself?

I’ll start again on Monday…
I didn’t mean I wouldn’t drink at all, just Monday to Thursday…
One cigarette won’t hurt and then I’m really going to quit…

Let’s be honest, have you ever made a resolution and stuck to it right through to the end of the year?

Why are resolutions so hard to keep?

Maybe the clue is in the word. We define resolute as

“To be admiringly purposeful and determined, unwavering, adamant”

Who can keep that up? It sounds exhausting and just the sort of stage that Superwoman likes to strut about on. Woe betide anyone who can’t keep up… anyone who is less than “admirable”!

It seems to me that we are setting ourselves up to fail. We’ve adopted an approach that may fit with our cultural paradigm of drive, competition and dogged determination but is at odds with how we feel when we’re anticipating change.

Change can be decidedly anxiety-inducing. We often feel uncertain, nervous or ill at ease when we’re planning changes to our habits and our lives because it doesn’t matter whether the change is for the better, we’re used to what we know.

Taking a step into a new way of being can feel like a leap into the unknown and it’s unlikely we will be ‘unwavering and adamant’.

So, if resolutions are so hard to keep, is there a better way?

A more effective way to make resolutions

Our resolutions are often defined by society’s or our family’s expectations and determined by what others want or have suggested. There is no surer way to set yourself up to fail than to make a commitment that fits with someone else’s vision of your life.

Step one: get in touch with your own vision.

Stand in your power and dream the next 12 months into being.

Close your eyes and imagine that you are on your way to a party on 31 December 2019. You’re excited to see friends and family and share with them all the joy of the twelve months that have just passed. And as you get ready to leave and look back over the year, what are the highlights? What are the key moments that you want to share?

Now come back to the present.

What do you need to do to bring those moments to life this year?

Step two: Choose joy

Our resolutions are often focussed on things that we ‘should or shouldn’t’ do. These are words I have banned from my vocabulary. You won’t find joy in going through the motions out of a sense of obligation or duty – there is enough of that in life already.

Instead, I suggest you make resolutions that will ‘spark joy’ and act as a wonderful counter-balance to some of life’s inevitable drudgery.

It might be something you’ve always wanted to do but never tried; a place you’ve always wanted to visit; a new skill you’ve always wanted to master.

Here are some of the joy-filled resolutions that I, and my clients, have made over the years to inspire you.

Feel free to borrow any that spark joy in you:

  • To visit Las Vegas
  • To swim in the ocean every month
  • To learn archery
  • To visit a castle every other month
  • To start a book club with my closest friends
  • To learn Italian
  • To drive along the North Coast 500 in Scotland
  • To finally say ‘yes’ and marry my true love
  • To quit my job and retrain as a coach
  • To take a sabbatical of at least three months and rest until I’m well again
  • To have a party every season
  • To make 6 new friends
  • To stop keeping clothes for ‘best’ and wear something sparkly every day

Step three: Ask if now is the right time to make resolutions

And, of course, you could decide not to make any resolutions at all in January. Winter is a time for bedding down and returning to the earth.

Enjoy the feeling of being rooted and settled, take the time to think and to replenish yourself before Spring when the sap is rising and it may feel more natural to make changes.

When you’re ready to start thinking about change, it’s worth considering getting away from your usual haunts and habitat. Despite its modern meaning, the word resolution actually comes from a late Middle English word meaning to loosen or release.

So, release yourself from everyday triggers and learned habits. Loosen your mind to wonder and dream.

In your dreams, you already know what you want.

In your dreams, you already know what intentions to set.

In your dreams, you already know how to get to that wonderful place that you’re going to.

Perhaps it’s time to resolve less and dream more.

About Sara Price

The Knitting, Baby-whispering Karaoke queen!

Sara is a One of Many coach, a mentor and one of the first cohort of certified One of Many trainers. In addition, Sara is Founding Partner of one of London’s leading communications agencies (Pagefield) and is authoring a book entitled ‘How to Actually Change the World’.

Sara has teamed up with physiotherapist/Pilates instructor Jo Turner and nutritionist/hormone specialist Nicki Williams to create a unique women’s retreat experience in Umbria, Italy.

The ‘What’s Next’ retreat will take place from 23–29th June 2019.

For more information and for an exclusive One of Many 10% discount on this retreat, please see our webpage https://www.real-retreats.com/what-s-next-itinerary or email realretreats@gmail.com

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Guest blog: Should I leave my job?

By

Jane Lewis

Dr Jane Lewis has over 20 years’ experience as a coach, including working as a career coach. She’s an ordained Interfaiths Minister and her passion is helping women find their purpose and direction, and then release the mental baggage that stops them achieving it. Twice a year she goes to Hawai’i to teach and study Huna – the spiritual, energetic and shamanistic practices of the ancient Hawai’ians. Find out more at https://secretartofhuna.com.

Latest posts by Jane Lewis (see all)

This is a guest blog by Dr Jane Lewis.

In my role as a Career Coach, I am often asked by clients, ‘Should I Leave My Job?’ It’s one of those questions to which the answer can often feel like ‘How Long Is A Piece Of String’, but in this blog, I’ll be sharing a few pointers to help you consider the question, should it be burning a hole in your brain just now.

Why you might want to leave your job

The first question I always ask clients is: why do you want to leave your job?

  • Because you’re unhappy?
  • You want to start your own business?
  • You aren’t paid enough?
  • The people are OK, and they don’t treat you badly, but it doesn’t really fire you up?
  • You’re not being given the opportunities you want?

Depending on the answer, my advice will change.

However, there are a few cases where the answer is fairly clear.

If you are thinking of leaving your job because you’re planning to set up your own business, my advice generally is to stay in your job until you’ve got your new business running and starting to pay you an income. Of course, that isn’t always possible, but financially it can make the transition so much easier.

If you feel you’re underpaid, or not being given the promotions and opportunities you deserve, then, assuming you are otherwise happy, the first step is to have a conversation with your boss.

At One of many we talk about ‘having a conversation from your Queen’: stepping in to your Queen powertype, and making your point in a drama-free, powerful fashion.

But what if you’re unhappy, or over-stressed or feeling demotivated?

One of the techniques I invite my clients to use is to identify their career values to see how far the job is satisfying those values.

Our values provide motivation at a very deep, unconscious level. If your career values aren’t being satisfied in your current job, then it is highly likely that you will struggle with motivation and with performing at your best.

Values are abstract, and they are the product of our life experience together with our early conditioning. So if your family put a high value on professionalism, you might well find you do the same.

Your values are key to making any big decision

One client of mine worked in an engineering environment where the money and benefits were OK, and the people were pleasant. The work was challenging, although it wasn’t exactly the area that my client enjoyed the most. It was all OK, but something was not quite right and my client couldn’t pin down what that was.

We did a value exercise and time with family came out in the top 5. The job involved a relatively long commute, and as a result of doing the exercise my client realised that this value was not being met, and this was the reason they were not content.

The client used their list of values as criteria for evaluating job adverts, and soon found a job nearer home, with less travel and more money. Within a year they had been promoted to Director, which was an unexpected bonus!

How to find your values

The process is as follows: ask yourself ‘what’s important to me about my career (or job)?’ You are looking for single words or very short phrases that you can’t put in a wheelbarrow. Abstract nouns; words like:

  • job-satisfaction
  • professionalism
  • growth
  • challenge
  • fun

Keep going until you have at least 8, but don’t worry if you end up with 15 or 16.

Once you have your list, put them in order of importance, based on the way things are right now. The most important values will be those on which you spend the most time and energy.

Then, looking at the top 5-8, for each value, ask yourself: ‘how far does my current job satisfy this value?’ You can use a scale of 1-10 or a percentage scale.

If your job doesn’t satisfy any of your values, or only satisfies a few values more or less, it may well be time to move, or at least have a serious conversation with your employers about how things need to change.

That’s the exact process I used with my client. It’s such a great tool for clarifying your thinking around your job options.

Need help making a big decision?

If you’d like some support to work through the system yourself, you can find a One of many certified coach trained in helping women explore their values using the online coach directory. Click here to find the right coach for you.

About Jane Lewis

Coach, Minister, Huna practitioner

Dr Jane Lewis has over 20 years’ experience as a coach, including working as a career coach. She’s an ordained Interfaiths Minister and her passion is helping women find their purpose and direction, and then release the mental baggage that stops them achieving it. Twice a year she goes to Hawai’i to teach and study Huna – the spiritual, energetic and shamanistic practices of the ancient Hawai’ians. Find out more at https://secretartofhuna.com.

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Guest blog: Behind the mask of perfect motherhood

By

Danusia Malina-Derben

Danusia Malina-Derben is a serial entrepreneur and straight-talking consultant advising Boards and C suite clients on their Strategic leadership.

She is also founder of School For Mothers – an inspirational movement modernising motherhood one ambitious mother at a time.

She is mother of ten children including ‘her last baby’, triplets of five years old. Find out more at www.schoolformothers.com.

Latest posts by Danusia Malina-Derben (see all)

This is a guest blog by Danusia Malina-Derben.

“How DO you do it?”

This question requires an answer. It’s the missing piece of a puzzle that strikes the mind of many women I meet, especially when they learn I’m a mother of ten as well as an entrepreneur. I meet hundreds, possibly thousands as I speak all over.

The answers I could give identify my choices, how I see myself and therefore how the world might see me. And I don’t know how often I am asked this question, but I do know if I had a £1 for every time I’d be a wealthy woman, for sure.

The One Woman Conference: Taking off the mask

At the One of many One Woman Conference I was asked that question maybe 30 times in one music pumping, celebratory wisdom-fuelled, central London half-day. I didn’t attend the whole two day affair but I suspect those who did walked on air because of the high octane input.

The One of many panel discussion I took part in moved all of us in the room that day. Tears were shed as Meenal Sachdev shared about sickening child trafficking and slavery.

We were stirred by Dr Eve Hepburn and Elaine Wilkin’s mental health struggles that birthed incredible projects to support young women and those suffering with ME and Fibromyalgia. So when it came to me, in a way, all I felt I could offer was myself.

My voice, fully human, with frailties, brimming with belief for us all as we forge forward.

That’s not to suggest I don’t acknowledge the impact of my consulting work at C-suite level. It also doesn’t mean that I’m somehow shying from visibility or self-appreciation. It’s the very opposite.

It’s because I know my worth that I’m willing to be myself and show up as a remarkable-ordinary-accomplished-messy woman. It’s crucial for those of us invited onto panels and keynote giving sessions, to crack the myth of seamless life: That we wake up glossed and groomed, embodying serenity.

Breaking the myth of perfection

Let me give you a live example of my route to the conference to demonstrate this.

Having driven from the Brighton coast more than half an hour away to avoid the weekend replacement bus system I discovered the train station car park was closed. The guy at the car park was disinterested in sharing where cars could park. I mentioned I hadn’t a clue about the area and couldn’t miss my train. Gesticulating across a maddeningly complex road system he smiled and said, “Good luck, love”.

I called my eldest daughter and had what can only be described as a mini meltdown. Drama isn’t one of my life’s side dishes, yet somehow I leant full into histrionics. Did I mention the torrential rain?

As I made my way back to the station, my carefully chosen conference outfit – ankle boots, bare legs, backpack and flashy dress – proved quite the combo, as it garnered white van driver beeps. I was not amused. The trek to the train left my dress sodden, and composure deserted me.

From Victoria I had one last mission to accomplish before taking my place on the One of many stage. It was allegedly an easy task but one I managed to make an almighty ‘cock-up’ of. My assignment was to locate House of Fraser and present myself to a make-up whizz at the Mac counter. I’ve forgotten to mention my face was cleansed bare.

Being a navi-guesser rather than a navigator (despite using my iPhone with map) I circled around the station in several directions. Cue another meltdown and accompanying wobbly lower lip.

The superb assistant at Mac declared me a woman of great joie-de-vivre energetically, while slapping on far more product than I ever would have chosen. Internally I was almost beside myself as she slowly tried out strobe creams, blushers and the like. I all but ran from the shop, accosted a postman for directions and made the hotel with about 3 minutes to spare. A swift throw on of tights in a cramped loo by reception left me stage ready. Just.

The minor tribulations of my morning served to test me. They also allowed me to sit before an audience of 500 amazing women with humility uppermost in my soul. I can take my mission and purpose in life seriously, but certainly not myself.

How do I do it? 3 tips

When women ask me how I do it, truthfully I can tell them. Along the way, I’ve learned a thing or two about how I can make the difference I am here to make without finding myself swallowed up in logistics, doubts or trying to do it all.

Three of my most treasured tried-and-tested tactics are:

1. Ask for help.

I’m never too proud to admit when I need extra support so I can direct my energy where it’s most needed. From childcare to helpful postmen, I wouldn’t have been made it to the One of many stage were it not for the people I asked to support me along the way. We can do anything we want to – but we can’t do it all ourselves.

2. Let go of perfection

My face might not have been how I wanted it. I could have done with catching an earlier train. There are countless things, every day, I could do differently. But none of the women in the audience were there to judge my makeup skills, and showing up matters more to me than conforming to a timetable. I choose to focus on what matters, forgive myself for the mistakes I make along the way, and let go of the rest.

3. Go with the flow

Life’s too short to spend time wishing reality was different. “If only…” is a dangerous phrase – and it can stop women in their tracks, who tell themselves they’d love to make a real impact… but they have kids, or they’ve been out of the workplace too long, or a myriad of other reasons. I’ve longed for a simple life as much as the next woman, but the truth is I wouldn’t really exchange the glorious complexity of balancing family life – while trusting I can still have an impact – for the world.

In part that’s why I’ve founded School for Mothers (SFM). Because I DO know how mothers can retain and grow themselves as women of great talent and impact, while at the same time raising happy families.

Sadly though we’ve a global epidemic of exhausted overwhelmed mothers with many (often secret) wishes and ambitions for themselves. These same women are struggling to navigate selfhood and motherhood without monumental tension. We’ve all been fed lies that it’s either our children, or ourselves that can flourish.

So I’m calling time on archaic outgrown models of motherhood and instead heading a movement to modernise this. It’s exciting, it’s needed, and mothers are joining together for ourselves, and future generations.

Go ahead, ask me again how I do it because I’ll tell you it’s messy. I’ll tell you it’s only make-up deep and always about a daily emotional surf ride. And I’ll also tell you things are on the change for Mothers.

If you’d like to hear more about this, our first one-day event, SFM Live, lands in London on 17th November. Click here to find out more. Because one thing’s for sure, we’re in this together. It would be so good to share this day with you.

About Danusia Malina-Derben

The Straight-talking Consultant and Mother Of Ten!

Danusia Malina-Derben is a serial entrepreneur and straight-talking consultant advising Boards and C suite clients on their Strategic leadership.

She is also founder of School For Mothers – an inspirational movement modernising motherhood one ambitious mother at a time.

She is mother of ten children including ‘her last baby’, triplets of five years old. Find out more at www.schoolformothers.com.

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When you feel like you’re failing

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Do you ever feel like a total failure? Whether it’s messing up as a mum or dropping the ball on a key work target, when you feel like you’re failing it can be tough to pick yourself up and keep going.

And yet failure can actually be an incredibly powerful tool for growth. What makes the difference is how you look at it – and what you allow the experience to teach you.

Here are 5 ways to rethink failure

1. Are you really failing at all?

Successful women have a tendency to be really hard on ourselves. We have high standards, sure, but sometimes wanting to do things well can tip into “Superwoman” mode.

Superwoman doesn’t just set the bar high, she demands nothing less than perfection – even when it’s impossible.

If you’ve just got back from a fraught day at work, supported a team member who’s going through a really difficult divorce, met some vital deadlines, and cooked yourself a healthy meal – are you really a failure because you didn’t make it to the gym?

If your failure stems from being worn out, depleted or burnt out, it’s time to take care of yourself.

Delegate. Order a takeway. Get an early night. The world won’t end, I promise. And once you’re in a better place, get realistic about everything you’ve been doing. Perhaps it’s a case of managing your own expectations, rather than writing yourself off as a hopeless case.

But let’s say you’ve rested, nourished yourself, and it’s still there in black and white: you’ve failed at something you set out to do. What then? Time for step two…

2. What have you learned about what you CAN do?

Arianna Huffington is a roaring success by most people’s standards, and she’s been really open about the mistakes and missteps she’s made along the way. In a 2013 interview she explained how she consciously frames failure in a way that allows her to grow and take risks.

“In own life, a key component of whatever successes I’ve had has been what I’ve learned from my failures. When I ran for governor of California in 2003, it was a failure—but I learned a tremendous amount about the power of the internet.

I also learned a lot about myself, about communicating, being able to touch people’s hearts and minds, and listening. All the things that were ingrained in me during the campaign definitely had an impact in forming Huffington Post.”—Inc, 2013

Almost every failure contains some lessons about what you can do well. Maybe your first foray into event planning was a total bust. Turned out you’d forgotten some key details, totally underestimated the catering, and felt super stressed all day.

On the other hand, you might have loved the process of spreading the word about the meetup, sharing on social media, and planning the overall theme of the event.

What does that tell you about where your strengths are? What can you choose to focus on as you move forward?

3. What have you learned about what you can let go of?

The other big lesson “failures” can teach us is that we’re on the wrong path. It’s easy to get sucked into an idealistic version of what a new thing might be like.

Take starting a business – if you’re in the corporate world it might seem like a dream come true to be able to set your own hours, choose your clients and have full control over your income.

And yet when you do set out on your own, there are all sorts of other realities. The loneliness of working from home when you’re used to being surrounded by colleagues. The responsibility of setting your own strategy and targets, and then having to make sure everything gets done – from accounts to tech support. The lack of boundaries between work and the rest of your life.

Failure is a wonderful opportunity to find out if it’s time to adjust and find a different course. And the relief of deciding “that’s not for me”, instead of beating yourself up for not being instantly great at something, really is priceless.

4. What’s this failure making space for?

This mindset shift is a really powerful one.

One thing I’ve learned about failure is this: you can trust in life that if the thing you hoped hasn’t worked out like you planned, it’s usually because life has something much bigger and better in store.

When you take action, you begin to build connections and flow in an infinite number of ways. You become visible, you connect to new and different opportunities, and you strengthen your ability to take action, try things out, and make changes.

To take that last example, maybe you decide that self-employment isn’t for you. But when you started your business, you went to a bunch of networking events and met some really interesting people. One of them reaches out to you via LinkedIn because they’ve got the perfect opportunity for you in an organization you’d never heard of before then.

Failure isn’t an end point. It’s a door to something different – and you have to move through it if you’re going to get there. Which leads me to a question you might not have thought about before.

5. How can you celebrate this failure?

When you’re stinging from criticism, or churning over a mistake again and again in your mind, celebrating what’s gone wrong might be the furthest thing from your mind.

But overcoming failure is often a major precursor to our greatest successes. The only way to avoid failure is never to try anything new; never to step outside what’s comfortable and easy. And that’s never going to allow you to make the difference you’re here to make in the world.

“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. Doing what you’re afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that – that’s what life is. You might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that’s really special and if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. Now you know something about yourself”

― Amy Poehler

Whether you’ve learned something about what you love to do, or just gained some incredible clarity about what you’ll never attempt again, celebrate the fact that you tried. You’ve learned. And instead of saying safe, you’ve put yourself out there into the world. If that’s not worth celebrating, I don’t know what is.

What’s your relationship with failure?

How do you feel about failure? Are you pretty comfortable picking yourself up and getting back on track, or does the prospect of failure leave you paralysed? Let us know in the comments below – I have a hunch this is a bigger fear than a lot of us admit, and I’d love to know your take.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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How to manage women

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Irene Rosenfeld is the CEO of Mondelez International, one of the largest snack companies in the world. With $26 billion in annual sales, they count Oreos and Ritz crackers among their products, so it’s probably safe to say she knows a thing or two about managing people to have an incredible impact.

When asked for her best piece of advice, she shared this:

“I think my very best piece of advice is be yourself.

You know, I grew up in business at a time where there weren’t very many female role models, and so in the early days we wore little bow ties like the guys, and we talked about the Army even though we weren’t in the Army. And the reality was that wasn’t the right way to approach the business world.

Over time, there is more understanding of the value of diversity… [more opportunities] to be able to express ourselves and approach business in a way that makes the most sense for us.”

Interview with Sara Silverstein for Business Insider, 2017

A different style of leadership?

As Irene points out, it’s only relatively recently that women have played an active role in the workforce and been able to show up as ourselves in business.

As more and more of us begin to take leadership roles, and to nurture and support those rising up beneath us, the question of how to manage women is vital for us to consider.

Of course, Not all women are the same. There’s no “one way” to manage women any more than there’s “one way” to manage men.

But the growth of a more diverse and balanced workforce has triggered a healthy evolution of what was once a very uniformly patriarchal, masculine model of doing business.

As more and more women have risen to positions of leadership, we’ve all gained a greater understanding of the unique role women can play in helping businesses reach their goals.

This can help all of us, both women and men, approach business in a more nuanced way than before.

As Irene reflects,

“Our emerging workforce is not interested in command-and-control leadership. They don’t want to do things because I said so; they want to do things because they want to do them.”

Being a manager requires flexibility

Managing people works best when we understand that flexibility and openness to different ideas allows us to tap into the techniques which are most effective at any given time.

After all, all sorts of factors influence the best choices to make when it comes to managing our teams.

  • The current business environment
  • The length of time the individuals have been in post
  • Previous management styles
  • Company culture
  • Current priorities and goals for the business

And if you’re not in the corporate world, you can probably apply these to your own situation, or even your family (Teething toddler + family goal to get a solid night’s sleep? That’s a leadership challenge if ever I heard one!)

Managing women tends to flow best when we add into that context an awareness that most women experience regular cycles (whether or not they’re menstruating). Our mood, motivation and talents fluctuate, and will respond best to leadership that’s able to flex and adapt to that.

I’m not suggesting for one minute that you ask your team personal questions about their cycles, or ascribe poor performance to “hormones” or “women’s troubles.” After all, that would simply be perpetuating the idea that there’s one linear “norm” that anything else diverts from.

But try noticing how your team, whether they be men or women, are feeling at any given time.

Do they feel fired up, energetic, bursting with ideas? It could be a great time to harness that exciting energy to come up with new strategies…

Are they fed up and complaining? Maybe that decisiveness and awareness of what’s not working could allow you to trim unnecessary processes and get clarity on any areas that have felt fuzzy.

Women managing women

As women managing women, we also have our own cycles and flows to pay attention to. We have access to powerful styles of leadership that allow us to draw on our natural strengths and embrace the flow of our energy to maximise how effective and fruitful we can be.

When it comes to enhancing your strength as a leader and giving your team the best chance of getting on board with your plans, knowing your strengths and weaknesses is invaluable. It’s also helpful to know how your energy flows throughout the day, week or month, and which tasks and activities are optimum for you to undertake at each time.

Bringing this level of nuance to your own workflow will bring a fresh momentum that can completely revitalise your ability to reach and surpass your goals.

There’s no one size fits all

So, how to manage women? There’s no simple answer to that question. We’re creating a new paradigm of leadership, that involves paying attention to the people we work with and ourselves, and using that connection to find what works for us.

There’s no need to follow tired ways of doing things, just as there’s no need to reinvent the wheel without good reason. Staying open, following your instincts and never being afraid to shift things up or experiment is what will create the future we all want to see.

Do you want to transform the results you get with your team, your clients or yourself? Register for our complimentary training to explore this topic further and discover how the 5 Women’s PowerTypes ™ can be used in your coaching, consulting and management to bring the best out in the women you work with (and yourself). Click here to access The Secret To Coaching Women.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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Guest blog: Why don’t we (actually) change the world?

By

Sara Price

Sara Price

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author.
Sara Price

Latest posts by Sara Price (see all)

My vision is a world in which everyone who wants to change the world for the better is inspired and empowered to do so.

It’s a big vision. Making this vision a reality is like eating the proverbial elephant – I’ll be doing it one bite at a time and in collaboration with many others – including the amazing Founder of One of Many, Joanna Martin. The current ‘bite’ is to write a book – catchily entitled ‘How to (Actually) Change the World’. That’s a lot to deliver in 55,000 words but I’m going to give it my best shot!

As part of my research, I’ve spoken to hundreds of people all over the world about the kind of changes they want to create, and what gets in the way of them actually doing it. So if you’re on a mission to change the world right now and you’re feeling blocked; or if you are feeling increasingly called to make a difference, to make an impact on this beautiful planet of ours, but you’re not sure how to go about it – please read on, because you are not alone.

Here’s what I’ve found so far…

So…Who Wants to Change the World?

An awful lot of us want to change the world. . If you’re an active member of the BeOne Global Community on Facebook, you may have seen and perhaps completed my survey for actual and aspiring changemakers. Of the people who have filled in the survey thus far, EVERYONE wants to change the world in some way.

When asked if there was something they would like to change to make the world a better place, 47% said that there were so many things they didn’t know where to start! Another 24% had one big issue that they were truly passionate about. Everyone else felt passionate about 2 or 3 main subjects and couldn’t pick one.

How Do We Want to Change the World?

We want to change the world for other women. My survey may be slightly skewed because of where it was posted and the kinds of women who’ve completed it, but of all the issues that we are passionate about, the top three categories are:

  • Women’s issues
  • Environment
  • Education & training

In other words, the issues which matter most to us are: other women; the planet and the next generation.

Some of us are dedicating our working lives to these issues. About 12% of respondents have already set up / run or work for a social enterprise dealing with the specific issue that they are most passionate about. Another 12% are operating in the charitable sphere on their number one issue.

Many respondents wrote in comments that tackling their number one issue was the mission of their business. That’s a lot of women dedicating their working lives to making the world a better place!

Many of those who work in other fields are taking action in their personal time. Nearly 95% of us are talking to friends and family – trying to persuade them of the importance of our cause. 85% have taken to social media to make our point and demonstrate our passion. Over 80% have signed online petitions.

Are We Making Progress?

Most of us feel that we’re not making enough progress. Amongst the social entrepreneurs, charity leaders and those whose professional mission is to change the world, only 30% were satisfied with the progress they are making.

Most of us want to do more: Of those who are taking action in their personal time, a whopping 97% want to do more but are hampered by a perceived lack of time and a feeling of not knowing where to start. The same feeling that stops about 20% of us from taking any action at all.

And that is where I hope that my book will help.

It’s Not Complicated…

I understand that changing the world can seem overwhelming but here is what I believe: changing the world may be hard work but it is not actually that complicated.

I can already feel the waves of disagreement and disbelief heading my way but, I’m sticking to my guns here because I genuinely believe that in principle changing the world is not complicated. It requires only one thing: you have to make people care.

You have to make companies care enough to change their policies; or make politicians care enough to change legislation; or make individuals care enough to change their behaviour and / or their minds. You have to know who holds the power to make the change, and you have to make them care enough to do it.

In Fact, It’s Really Quite Simple…

To make people care, you need to harness the power of great communications. It’s about communicating your message to the right people at the right time in a way that feels compelling to them. That’s it.

Now, there are a lot of experts out there with a vested interest in making you think that this is difficult. The more jargon they use, the more complex they make it seem – the more valuable their expertise appears and the more you are made to feel disempowered and dependent on their expertise.

This is where I hope my book will help. I plan to show you exactly how simple great communications can be. I will walk you through how to develop a comprehensive campaign plan for your vision that makes people care enough to create change.

So at the end of the process, you’ll be equipped to make a difference. You can make people care.

You can ACTUALLY change the world.

So…How Do You Want to Change the World?

This is a community full of changemakers and women with huge visions for how to change the world for the better.

So tell me, what ONE thing would you change about the world if you could wave a magic wand? What causes are you passionate about, and what change are you already creating through your life and work?

Share in the comments below, and let’s support each other to create the change we want to see.

And, if you have a moment, I’d be grateful if you would take part in my survey. Tell me how you want to change the world and how I can help you.

And as a great big thank you for doing so, I’m offering one participant the chance to win a 2-hour PR and communications brainstorm with a leading London PR agency, Pagefield (the one I co-founded!). Just click the link below to take the survey and be in with a chance of winning:

https://www.surveymonkey.co.uk/r/HowToActuallyChangetheWorld

About Sara Price

The Knitting, Baby-whispering Karaoke queen!

Sara is a coach and mentor with over 25 years of experience in campaigning and communications. As well as her ongoing work with Pagefield, the leading independent communications agency that she co-founded in 2010, Sara is a One of Many Certified Coach, a Mastercoach and soon to be author!

Sara began her career in Parliament developing an in-depth understanding of the corridors of power. She then moved on to work as a political advisor to UNICEF where she witnessed the power of individuals and organisations to effect change on a global scale. She sat on the UK Board of one of the world’s largest PR agencies, H&K Strategies, and in 2010 she co-founded Pagefield.

Over the course of her career, she has developed communications programmes for some of the biggest brands in the world from Kelloggs to EDF Energy; advised organisations as diverse as Allied Bakeries and Variety, the Children’s Charity; and co-created multi-national campaigns for Global Peace Ambassador Prem Rawat.

Sara’s newest venture – How to Actually Change the World – is in development right now. If you’d like to help to shape the whole programme and be on the list to hear more, please sign up by emailing sara@renaissance-life.co

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How to handle Imposter Syndrome

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

I was in the boarding lounge at Heathrow Airport, in tears.

(Not one of my proudest moments, I have to say)

I was crying because I was about to do something amazing. It was my first trip to work with Ali Brown, someone who I had followed and looked up to for years and years and years in my industry, and I was getting on a plane to head over to her very first Repower event in Phoenix, Arizona.

So I did what I always do in times like this – I called my sister.

“Sis, I’m freaking out. I feel like a total fraud. I’m heading over to this event and it is going to be full of highly successful women. You have to be doing seven figures even to be in the room.

I don’t even know how I’m going to cope. I’m going to feel like I just don’t fit in. I’m not supposed to be here. I feel like such a fraud.

I’ve just got this baby business that’s a total fluke, and I’m doing this ditzy personal development thing, and what the hell?”

Even thinking about it now I can still feel that feeling. Maybe you can relate? Have you ever found yourself feeling as though, however far you’ve come in life or whatever you’ve achieved, one day you’re going to be “found out” for not having a clue what you’re doing and being a complete fraud?

Welcome to imposter syndrome

For high achieving and successful women, impostor syndrome is incredibly common. And we’re in good company! I was amazed to read what Jodie Foster told one interviewer about her experience of winning an Academy Award for best actor. Now that’s an accolade you’d think would feel like pretty concrete proof you’d arrived, right? Wrong.

“I thought it was a fluke,” she said. “I thought everyone would find out and they’d take the Oscar back. That they’d come to my house knocking on the door, ‘Excuse me, we meant to give that to someone else. That was going to Meryl Streep.'”

Or how about Maya Angelou, a writer who I’ve looked up to my entire life as an incredible fount of wisdom and knowledge and extraordinary insight. She’s been quoted as saying,

“I’ve written 11 books but each time I think, uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.”

So if you ever achieve great success and try and write it off as luck or being at the right place at the right time or undeserved, then you’re in really great company.

What is imposter syndrome?

What we’re talking about is that feeling of being a fraud, or being a fake, when actually you’re not. Like sooner or later the whole world is going to find you out. Now that might make sense if you really were ripping people off, or pretending in some way. If you’re an undercover cop, you probably would feel fake from time to time.

But if you are a successful small business owner doing six or seven figures and people love your work… or if you keep getting promoted and praised in your role in an organization, then it’s probably not appropriate to feel like an imposter.

The bottom line is, if you’re really good at whatever you’re doing, then it’s okay for people to believe in you. It doesn’t matter what the thing is – if you’re good at it, it doesn’t make sense to feel like an imposter. So why do we?

The phenomenon was first described by psychologists Suzanne Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s. And they described it as occurring among high achievers who are unable to internalize and accept their success.

These high achievers will often attribute their accomplishments to luck rather than to ability, and fear that others are eventually going to unmask them as a fraud.

Imposter syndrome holds us back

This feeling that we’re going to be found out stops us stepping into our greatness.

I’ve spoken to successful corporate employees, women who are doing very, very well in high positions inside of their organization who don’t put themselves forward for promotion because they feel like they’re actually not even supposed to be where they already are.

Someone told me she was writing her LinkedIn profile the other day, and she didn’t want to put X, Y and Z into it because she didn’t want to come across like some egomaniac.

We don’t position ourselves powerfully to be able to be of service to the people that we can make a real difference with… because we don’t want to sound like egomaniacs?

That’s imposter syndrome. It stops us from really owning, promoting and putting ourselves forward. Not in a way which says, “Look at how great I am.” But in a way that says, “Look these are my achievements. This is what I have done. And I can help you.”

How to handle imposter syndrome

  1. Reach out

Having someone you can talk to when Imposter Syndrome strikes is something that I highly recommend. I’ve got my sister, who I can always count on. Back in that airport lounge at Heathrow, when I called her in tears before my trip to meet Ali Brown, she gave it to me straight:

“You own your success, woman. You go over there and you’re not just networking for you, you’re networking for our whole business and for all of those women in the developing world that we help out. You get out there, you own your success and you go for it.”

I rely on loads of other people too – my husband, my team, my fellow coaches. These days I’m consciously leaning into collaboration and working with others, because if I’m feeling not good enough then they will remind me.

Who could you turn to when you need an outside perspective on how you’re doing?

  1.  Read over your bio

If you’re an entrepreneur you might have a bio you share; if you’re employed, it might be a CV. Either way, looking at how you present the facts of what you’ve achieved to others is a great way to remind yourself of just how great you really are. (If you’re a mum, there’s always asking your kids – it might not be the specific insight you’re looking for, but they definitely think you’re pretty awesome!).

  1. Keep an “I rock” file

My friend Kim taught me this – she keeps a file of all of the clippings and little thank you cards and everything that anyone’s ever given her that has her feel really great. You could keep a special folder in your emails for the notes that really make your day, or pin thank you cards above your desk so you can see them whenever self-doubt kicks in.

  1. Go deeper

At a deeper level you do have to accept that you have had some role in your success. You may well have had an opportunity that others weren’t given but you need to accept that you were instrumental in being ready for that opportunity.

It’s not fair, if you had an advantage over others, sure. Life isn’t fair. But you had to do something to get where you are, and you need to own that. So spend some time accepting that success that you’ve had.

  1. It’s not about you

The final thing that really helps me is shifting from “me” focus to “other” focus. When my sister asks me to refocus on the women in the developing world that we’ve supported through the Hunger Project, it’s much easier for me to recognise, “Yeah, I did help those women to create something they would not have otherwise been able to create. I do make a difference.”

So focusing on the value that you provide and the difference you make to others really, really helps.

Time to get real

What opportunities are you not stepping into because of the fear of being found out?

It might be in your relationship. It might be as a mother. It might be in your business. It might be in your job. Whatever it is, identify it, and reframe it for yourself.

How are you stopping being of service for others by holding yourself back in this way?

Share in the comments below!

And remember – Kate Winslet feels it every time she goes on set. Jodie Foster feels it when she receives her awards. Maya Angelou feels it every time she writes a new book. You’re in great company. You’re one of many women who feels this impostor syndrome and hey, that’s a great club to be a part of, but it doesn’t stop them – so don’t let it stop you.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What’s my leadership style?

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Where are you a leader in your life? At work? Running a business? Or within your family, community, or voluntary organization?

Here at One of many our mission is to create a movement of women ready to become the leaders the world needs. After all, as a planet, the model of power that’s been dominant so far just isn’t going to cut it to get us where we want to be. But what does a new way of leading look like in practice?

Our Soft Power framework is the tool we’ve developed to radically shift our approach in an incredibly effective way. It’s a new kind of leadership for the new world we want to create, and it’s so exciting to see it in action.

Today I want to share one of our Lead the Change participants, Carol’s inspiring story with you.

Stepping into Lover at NATO

One area which you might not associate with innovative feminine models of leadership is the military. But as part of NATO, Carol’s role is all about inviting different ways of thinking to this very hierarchical environment.

Last year, she had an opportunity to put it into practice.

“I was co-facilitating a set of 5 workshops at the NATO Allied Command Transformation “Chiefs of Transformation” conference.

The Chiefs of Transformation are the second most senior level in our militaries, reporting directly to the top tier Generals and Admirals who provide strategic leadership and advice to Presidents and Prime Ministers.

At the conference there were 70 senior officers representing almost 50 nations and around 300 other attendees, including lower ranking military officers, industry representatives and a few post-graduate students from Washington universities.”

Straight away, Carol saw a possibility.

“The opportunity I had was to get these very senior military commanders thinking about the value of becoming more collaborative, and ideally agreeing to develop collaborative opportunities as a result.”

The conference happened to come the week after our BeLove retreat, when our Lead the Change cohort had explored the Women’s PowerType™ of Lover in some depth. So Carol was ready to discover what a new kind of leadership could achieve.

5 PowerTypes – what’s my leadership style?

Lover is one of the 5 PowerTypes™– along with Sorceress, Warrioress, Queen and Mother – we use to model new ways of women’s leadership.

All of us are naturally drawn more to some of these PowerTypes than others. For example, you might naturally step into “Warrioress” energy when you’re in charge. As a leader, you roll up your sleeves and work alongside your team, never asking anyone to do anything you wouldn’t do yourself. Full of energy and ever-resilient, your commitment to fighting for justice and what’s right is formidable.

Or perhaps you connect more to Lover as a leader. Your team are drawn to you because of how you make them feel: special, lavished with attention, and magnetic through your innate persona.

In Carol’s words,

“My story is mainly about using Lover, alongside Queen archetype in order to achieve buy-in and collaboration among senior military leaders across NATO, and other allied nations, to become more diverse in their thinking and collaborative in their style of command.”

Carol’s story

“During the conference set-up, it was immediately noticeable how radically different our workshop set-up was to that of the other 4 nations leading workshops.

We had no top table for the senior commanders, instead spreading them out around our large circle (we had about 70 attendees in each workshop, differing on each occasion).

On the first day of the conference I took conscious steps to step into both Queen and Lover PowerTypes, listening to key songs that really help me embody them.

At the start of each session I had a 5-minute introductory brief, which I delivered using every ounce of Queen PowerType I could muster – serenely and at what felt like an incredibly slow pace to allow for the majority of participants who would be working with English as a second language.

Then I joined my colleague who was leading the facilitation at the central table; at which point I would switch to Lover.

In “fishbowl facilitation”, the style we had chosen to use, anyone who wishes to speak has to step up from the outer circle to join one of the couple of chairs where the conversation happens in the centre of the room.

In a military hierarchy it is a massive challenge for officers to speak their opinion in front of those many ranks senior to them.

My role was to invite people to feel confident enough to come up and speak, then ensure they felt heard and valued when they did.

Although the first workshop worked, and many thanked us afterwards – we learned a few lessons: in particular to wait out silences, and at times to use the two officers we had supporting us to step up and speak.

After that we got people stepping up and joining the discussion much more smoothly: students in their mid-twenties providing responses to questions put forward by senior military commanders; having a non-commissioned officer speaking up for the experience of other ranks; and eventually getting some female voices (other than mine) heard. Women were outnumbered about 15 to 1!

The point I knew I was definitely leading from Lover was when a French General walked past an empty chair at the table saying, “I am Frrrench, I vill sit next to ze lady.”

I had already noticed a tendency for people to sit next to me, walking past the other chair when it was empty.

Prior to my One of many trainings I would have felt nervous getting that attention, but with the balance of Queen and Lover I felt totally safe, and understood I was achieving the leadership that was required in that moment.

After each session my co-facilitator and I had a lot of people (including those who hadn’t spoken) thanking us for a good workshop, sharing ideas and giving us their business cards. I became very good at gracefully excusing myself so I got a few minutes downtime between each session!”

The outcomes:

  • 17 Nations, 3 different organisations within NATO and an international research alliance all expressed interest in collaborating to develop capabilities to make military command more collaborative.
  • The buzz around the conference was that the UK workshops were the best. The report from the UK’s Chief of Transformation to three of the most senior officers in the UK military was glowing. This and the level of interest from other nations is being used to try and secure significant additional funding to enhance our capability in this area.
  • Our team learned a lot about overcoming this discomfort of leading in such an unusual and unfamiliar way – I’m pulling this experience back in to enhance my research and exploitation of the challenging ideas it presents to UK military.

Bringing different leadership styles into your life

Carol’s story shows just how powerful this work can be. We really are changing the world, and having an impact that will ripple out into all kinds of realms.

But you don’t have to be a leader at NATO to use these tools.

If you’re curious about your leadership style, and how to bring more of the different PowerTypes into your life, you might want to take a look at our free bundle of resources.

As part of Life’s Little Toolkit you can download a guide exploring each of the PowerTypes, along with a playlist of music that can help you bring them to life. Click here to access your Toolkit now.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

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