One of Many

Woman looking to create change

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Want to find a new relationship dynamic? Read this

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Most of us have at least one relationship in our lives we’d like to change in some way. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about, maybe even deeply love, the other person. But when interactions start to feel like a pattern you’re stuck in, it can be incredibly restrictive. If you want to find a new relationship dynamic but aren’t sure where to start, here’s an approach you can try. 

When roles become restricting

Let’s start by looking at the kinds of situations when you can find yourself getting “stuck” in a certain dynamic.

For example, you might find that you’re constantly the one who’s mothering your group of girlfriends. Sure, you’re happy to be the designated driver once in a while. But lately it seems like you’re forever organizing things, booking cabs, holding coats and keeping an eye on anyone who’s had one too many after-work drinks.

Isn’t it time you were able to let your hair down for once?

For Madeleine, a self-employed writer, it was her relationship with her partner that felt like it needed a shakeup. Since becoming parents, it was starting to feel as though their life had become an endless to-and-fro of childcare, admin, and work.

“We’ve been together for more than a decade and have always had a lot of fun. Suddenly, our interactions felt like they’d become so functional: who’s looking after the toddler, what errands need doing, did you remember to call so-and-so… and yet when we tried to make changes, I found myself becoming defensive – and we’d find ourselves back in the same place.”

For you, it might be a totally different relationship where the dynamic needs to shift: Your boss, your colleagues, even your kids.

What relationship can you think of where you’re treading the same old path, no matter what you try?

Want to change a relationship dynamic? Try this

If you’ve noticed a sense of frustration creeping into one of your relationships, it might be time to try a different tactic when it comes to shifting things up.

Often, we can find ourselves focusing on what we wish the other person would change. If only your friends weren’t so selfish, or your boss so demanding, you’d be golden, right?

Or we focus on what’s not working in our interactions with the other person. And end up talking ourselves round in circles as we dissect our frustrations, and feel as though we’re getting nowhere.

But in any relationship, there are always two people involved – and one of them is you. That’s who you have the greatest power to change. And making that change doesn’t actually need to involve the other person at all.

The great news is, when you begin to think about shifting the way you’re behaving, it takes the pressure off trying to make the other person change who they are. (Which, let’s face it, can be an uphill battle).

Does this mean you have to stop being you?

In a word, no. It’s not about changing who you are – it’s about being a different version of yourself, so that you can start making a stand for a healthier way of interacting. And when you start to behave differently, those around you inevitably respond in a different way.

Perhaps the ever-accommodating big sister starts to say “no” once in a while – your sibling will have to figure out an alternative.

Or the workaholic supermum decides she isn’t going to pile on the pressure by taking responsibility for her team’s results and the school bake sale. Someone you might never have thought of might decide to step into your usual place.

Learning to step into a different version of yourself – to create boundaries, change expectations and start standing up for how you want to be treated – is a life-changing skill.

If you know you could do with being a bit firmer when it comes to setting expectations and drawing boundaries, check out Enough is Enough: our free guide to gracefully setting unshakeable boundaries. Click here to download your free copy.

Using the PowerTypes to find a new relationship dynamic

If you’re not quite sure what dynamic’s playing out with that one difficult person, the Women’s PowerTypes™ are a fast way to get a handle on the different “roles” you’re playing in your life.

Warrioress, Sorceress, Queen, Lover and Mother. None of us are simply one PowerType – we’re all a blend of all 5. You’re at your most powerful when you can navigate smoothly between them all, effortlessly calling on the one that’s most appropriate for any given moment.

Often, when we feel stuck in a relationship dynamic, it’s because we’re using one PowerType more than the others. Rather than having access to all your different “selves”, you’re locked in one way of behaving.

Madeleine knew that, since becoming a mother, her Mother PowerType had really come to the fore. When it came to her romantic relationship, she knew Lover would be important to nurture, but there was a surprising PowerType that she discovered was equally vital.

“Warrioress was one of the lowest scores on my PowerTypes profile. She’s all about playful, youthful energy – and I realized that I’d really been missing that in my relationship too. We’d always loved going dancing, so reconnecting to music I love to move to, and channelling some of the playful energy I’m enjoying with my son into my relationship with my husband, really turned things around.”

Change the part you’re playing, and the script will shift

If you want to find a new relationship dynamic, start by thinking about the role you might be playing, and what might feel like a more fulfilling alternative.

Making small commitments to bring out a different side to you – listening to a particular track, moving in a different way physically – might have a bigger effect than you think.

Have you found yourself stuck in a relationship rut? What helped you to change the dynamic? Let us know in the comments below.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The power of connection

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

In a world that’s increasingly connected digitally, and yet more and more isolated in real terms, we’re understanding more and more the power of connection.

Connecting with others has a huge impact on our wellbeing – physically, emotionally, and economically. But why exactly is that – and what’s the impact those connections have on our lives?

Without connection, we’re lost

It’s a sad symptom of many of the challenges we’re currently facing as a globe that much of what we know about connection comes from observing what happens when we lack it.

Notwithstanding the impact on quality of life and life satisfaction, a Harvard study found that loneliness has an equivalent risk factor to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, shortening one’s lifespan by eight years.

In the UK, loneliness is considered such a serious problem that an organization has been set up to combat it: The Campaign to end Loneliness. They point to figures from a study by The Co-op and the British Red Cross which reveal over 9 million people in the UK across all adult ages – more than the population of London – are either always or often lonely.

Research commissioned by Eden Project initiative The Big Lunch found that disconnected communities could be costing the UK economy £32 billion every year.

That’s a huge amount of money, energy and wellbeing being lost because we’re missing simple connections in our lives.

The power of connection for women

And for women, these connections are especially important. A 2006 breast cancer study found that women without close friends were four times as likely to die from the disease as women with 10 or more friends. (That wasn’t dependent on the amount of time spent with them, or how close they lived. Just having friends had a beneficial effect.)

When it comes to our careers, connecting with other women has a similarly profound impact. I was blown away by an article in the Harvard Business Review all about the power of attending women’s conferences. Here at One of Many we know all about the transformation, connection and joy that comes from conferences. Our One Woman Conference is the biggest event in our year.

But before this I hadn’t seen any research attempting to really quantify the impact events like this have.

The HBR study followed women who’d attended a women’s conference, and found that they were three times as likely to receive a pay increase of more than 10% in the year after the conference – and their likelihood of receiving a promotion doubled.

The evidence is clear: when women come together, we lift each other up.

Time for change

It’s only relatively recently that women have had the same rights as men to work, earn money, and make our own decisions about our lives. Our voices are relatively new in the political and economic spheres, making this a time of incredible opportunity.

“The future is about women. Women leading the way for a better world where they can live fulfilling lives, pursuing their individual dreams and those of their families. The tools of the 21st century — connectivity, access to knowledge, access to each other — are tools that women can and do put to powerful uses.” Kathy Brown

And making the most of that opportunity needs us to come together and collaborate. To support each other in every area of our lives; to allow each other to take off the masks we hide behind and be our true, powerful, vulnerable selves.

In the words of the poet Adrienne Rich

“The connections between and among women are the most feared, the most problematic, and the most potentially transforming force on the planet.”

If you’d like to experience the power of connecting with likeminded women, we’d love you to join us for the One Woman Conference. Click here to find out all about it and join the Priority Notification List to be the first to find out when doors open.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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What marriage is really like

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Want to know what marriage is really like? Let me paint you a picture.

We’re in the kitchen, when Greg opens the fridge and does a double take.

“Why is there so much food in the fridge? Do we have people coming round, or something?”

He knows the answer already. I’ve mentioned it at least twice, once when we were talking business last weekend and again as we played with the kids at the park.

“Yup. Annie and Susie are coming to stay at the weekend”

His response, let’s say, is not what I expect.

“Well. That’s the first I’ve heard of it.”

Ever experienced something similar with your other half? A time when it felt like they’d totally ignored something you’d clearly told them at least once?

Did you fly off the handle, accuse them of ignoring you, or seethe inwardly at the fact that for the hundredth time the thing you’ve told them has taken second place to sports fixtures, historical trivia, or whatever else they deem to matter more than your words?

Marriage, or indeed any loving partnership, is a wonderful and deeply beautiful thing. But beyond the wedding photos, special dinners and mushy moments (I’m not knocking them for a second) are the thousands, millions perhaps, of interactions just like the one Greg and I had in our kitchen that day.

Opportunities to connect – or withdraw.

To confront – or surrender.

How about you? When was the last time you had a communication breakdown with your partner? Think back to it now, because today I want to share a really helpful reframe that helped give me a different perspective on these kinds of interactions, and what they mean to me.

The difference in how we think

I am a big fan of anything that brings us a greater understanding of what makes us tick, and more capacity to empathise with other people’s behaviour.

That’s why I’ve found it so helpful to learn about the science of how our brains can work in vastly different ways.

So, let’s dig into what’s really going on in the interaction I described.

Ignoring… or interruption?

So in the example above, the scenario was pretty clear from my perspective. I’d told Greg numerous times about the plans for the weekend, and he’d chosen to ignore me, right?

Previously, I would certainly have taken it personally. After all, I know that when it comes to certain other facts – historical dates, the price of gold, all kinds of random (and from my perspective pretty irrelevant) trivia – are lodged in his brain indelibly. And yet when it comes to important information about guests in our house, apparently it just wasn’t important enough to hold on to.

What changed that tendency to take things personally was when I learned about the modal tendency some people – including Greg – have wired right into their brains.

No idea what I’m talking about? Read on.

The ‘modal’ model

What I learned after looking at some really fascinating research is that some people’s brains, especially when they’re in instinctive or ‘animal’ states tend to be much more “modal” than others.

That is to say, they tend to be focused on one task or problem, with anything not directly related to solving that problem being filtered out as having less significance.

In other words, when I mentioned our upcoming guests in the context of a business meeting, Greg was focused on the specific challenge we were discussing in that moment. He wasn’t ignoring me – he simply wasn’t registering its relevance outside of that context.

The same thing happened when we were having family time with the kids. Playground time meant playground time for Greg – not time to plan ahead, think about guests, or wonder what the fridge would look like when he opened it on Friday morning.

The strengths of modal thinking

Now, when I discovered my husband hadn’t heard a word I’d said I could have easily jumped straight into anger. But the more I learn about the way other people’s brains work, the more I appreciate the strengths that way of thinking can bring.

Narrow, deep focus allows problems to be solved all the way through to completion. The focus is on finding the solution to that one priority – which makes for incredibly efficient, focused resolution to even complex problems.

It’s a fantastic way to combat stress, because wider worries and awareness of things which aren’t directly relevant is swiftly filtered out by the modal brain. Greg definitely hadn’t been worrying about how we’d be taking care of our guests when they arrived, after all.

When we start to recognize that the ability to think modally is a distinctive thing, we can not only have compassion. We can start to admire it. That way of thinking is a real gift – it allows them to be completely present, immersed and ‘in flow’ in what they’re doing.

What’s more, it gives us clues as to how to make future interactions more positive.

How to interact with a modal thinker

Male or female, partner or boss, when you’re interacting with someone whose brain works in this modal way there are 3 key things to bear in mind.

1. Firstly, be aware of this tendency.

If your partner is a one-task-at-a-time kind of guy, it might be worth doing what Greg and I do and allocating specific slots in the week to talk about things you need to. We have 3 meetings: one for business, one for life admin, and one for finances. If you’re not running a business you probably need less, but the principle is the same: by allocating a time to talk about the topics you need to cover, you’ll avoid the spontaneous interruptions that modal thinkers find so challenging.

2. If you need to interrupt, do so thoughtfully.

Just as with my toddler, if it’s appropriate then touch can be a great way to signal that a change in topic is needed. Ask permission: is it OK if I interrupt you for a minute? And wait until you get a clear “yes” before launching into what you’re saying. A non-committal “uh-huh” or silence probably indicates you don’t yet have their full attention.

3. Ask them what they need

You might suspect your partner is a modal thinker, but nothing beats having a conversation to find out their perspective. I don’t mean launching into a “I’ve diagnosed you with this problem I read about on the internet” next time you have a disagreement, tempting as that might sound. But you could try asking your partner “How does it feel when you’re interrupted from something you’re doing?” or suggesting you agree a way to deal with logistics when it comes to your home.

What marriage is really like

So, to return to my original question – what’s marriage really like? For us at least, it’s a journey of learning.

Of noticing what causes emotions to run high, and getting curious about why that might be.

It might be to do with brain chemistry, personal triggers, or something that’s totally unique to you. Either way, it’s worth exploring what you can learn about each other and instead of taking the patterns personally, asking what they can teach you to appreciate in your partner. Choosing to understand, admire and celebrate our differences only deepens our connection with each other.

How about you? Have you found a niggle or source of friction that you were able to investigate and turn into a strength? Let us know in the comments below.

And if you’d like to get more tools and strategies to strengthen your relationship and bring more love into your world, join us for our BeLove Retreat. Click here to book in a no-obligation chat with one of our team and find out the full details.

Our intention is simple. To support professional women to handle the day-to-day so they can unleash the bigger impact they feel called to make in the world.

We believe real leadership is less about skill, and more about having a well of physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual strength to draw on. Every week we support thousands of grassroots leaders globally with our free articles, videos and online trainings with powerful tools and methodologies created BY women FOR women.

Become One of many™ women creating strong, meaningful connections in our community.

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The power of the collective

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

You may already know this, but things have been difficult for me recently. From logistics and planning issues to deep personal grief, it’s safe to say that the past few months have been some of the most challenging of my life.

But as tough as the last few months have been, they’ve also been some of the most blessed.

For the first time in my life, I’ve been truly, viscerally able to experience the power of the collective, that fabric of support that keeps us going through … well, everything. In case you’re not familiar with the idea, here’s how I see it.

Every one of us — you included — is a thread in this global, universal cosmos. There are threads that are aligned with you on either side of you and threads that cross your path, and the more threads you’re connected to, the more support you have.

More than a network

While I’ve talked a lot about the importance of having people around you before, this isn’t your typical “network”. I’ve always had loads of people supporting me, from my mentors to my sisters to health professionals and more, but when I’m talking about the fabric, I’m talking about something even deeper and more robust.

It took me 35 years to get it.

As a reforming masculine woman, I’ve spent over three decades doing my best to be independent. I wanted to do everything myself; I could do everything myself; I was happy to do everything myself.

While the concept of asking for help with something wasn’t beyond me, it was always just that: asking for help with something. The concept of asking for emotional or spiritual support never crossed my mind.

Now, as one of many women living in soft power, I’m having to walk this deeply spiritual path in which I do surrender and allow people to hold space for me. Because after all, what kind of person would I be if I told you to do one thing and then did something else myself? And I’ve understood that intellectually for a long time. But what these months of crisis have brought home for me is this:

I’ve had to actually surrender. To collaborate. To be held.

I’ve been so touched and amazed by the amount of support and space that people have held for me, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, from my professional mentors to my family to you in the One of Many community. So I’ve actually had an incredibly powerful couple of months, although they’ve been very difficult.

And now I want you to join me.

I know that you want to make a bigger difference in the world. But I also know that no single one of us can do it alone. The universe doesn’t need an individual difference to be made; it needs a huge, giant, collective difference to be made, and we can only do that together.

So my invitation to you is to ask yourself, how can you deepen your understanding of the collective?

How can you allow the universe, the fabric to support you when you most need it? The next time something happens when your normal response would be the masculine “push, push, push, solve it, get it done”, how can you let go? What would happen if you surrendered instead and let people help you for a change?

I truly hope that you’ll join me in leaning into the power of the collective — because when you do have that fabric of support, then you can truly fulfil the deepest callings of your heart.

Let’s start now. What’s one situation that you can surrender into over the course of the coming week? Tell me below in the comments!

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This Woman’s Work

By

Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Yesterday I was reading an article in Forbes magazine written by a man who grew up in an extended Hispanic family. He was writing about the strength and resilience that his mother had shown raising him and his siblings.

He thought his mother would have made a great leader.

The truth is she was a great leader. Leading a family can be hard, thankless work. And let’s face it, despite huge progress, the family still tends to be thought of as women’s work.   This is especially true in developing countries where women’s access to education and basic freedoms can be severely limited.

So what is it that makes women so awesome?

The article identified 7 main personality traits that make women hugely effective leaders. See you if you recognise any of these from your family life and think how you can apply them to your work or business:

  1. Multi-tasking – The ability to take action in several different areas at once.
  2. Circular vision – The ability to talk and offer opinion on an extremely wide variety of subjects.
  3. Opportunity management – Anticipate needs or crisis points well in advance of them becoming problematic.
  4. Highly collaborative – Happy to discuss, debate and try different approaches.
  5. Less afraid to fail – Women are more likely to see failure as feedback and therefore a necessary part of success.
  6. Authentic – Women seek to find the meaning and purpose in each opportunity.
  7. Patient – Women like to see and understand the connectivity of thoughts and how they work or why they don’t.   They want all the facts and figures before making important decisions.

To me that sounds like an average day at home, fire-fighting the conflict between small children, scooping the remains of dinner into Tupperware whilst skyping Grandma overseas, trying out different ways of making a play-doh dinosaur, sourcing school supplies, checking the news while filing my nails, washing dishes before we run out of plates.

Just another day at the office.

This all reminds me of something a great friend of mine used to say: Raising a family is so important that you’d better get a woman to do it.

What do you think? Does being a woman help or hinder? Is saving the world one of many things that’s so important we’d better get a woman to do it?

Dr Joanna Martin: Founder, oneofmany.co.uk.| Author| Women’s Speaker| Entrepreneur| Ex-doctor| Loud Sister| Baby Wrangler = No professional training but do a fine job nonetheless!

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How To Change The World

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Joanna Martin

Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.

Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Recently we invited you to step-up, speak up and be One of Many women with ideas on how, together, we can create the change we want to see in the world.

We had a huge attendance on our webinar, where we opened the lid on possibility.

We delved into topics such as:

  • Why the Dalai Lama said “The World Will Be Saved By the Western Woman”
  • What small steps you can take today (and get started)
  • The 3 misconceptions women have about leadership that stop them from self-actualising
  • What is feminine leadership and why is it vital for a sustainable future?

Loads of our community contributed some incredible ideas, questions and solutions.

If you missed it, take a listen, it’s about 1.5 hours of gold.

Don’t forget to get involved in the conversation, by entering your comments below. Create and contribute to the community you need to get you out of the everyday, and into that “something bigger”. We welcome your views, opinions and questions!