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Criticism or judgement? What to do when feedback hurts

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

As women leaders, we can’t control all the criticism or judgment that we’re going to receive from others.

It doesn’t matter how big or small your vision is. The very nature of declaring that you stand for something, or that you’re making any kind of change, opens us up to feedback from others.

Whether you’re changing the world, your family life, or your personal health habits, there’ll be someone who wants to give you their opinion on exactly what you’re doing and why it’s time to rethink it. Sometimes we can laugh it off – some random person on Twitter thinks I need to take a different vitamin supplement? Fine.

But sometimes, it hurts. When you tell your kids you’re thinking of signing up for a new course and they laugh at you: “Mum! You’re too old!”

When you share your brilliant new strategy with a colleague you love and straight away they pick holes in it.

Or when you tell your mum about the bold decision you’re taking to become a coach, and she refers to it snidely as “your new phase for the next five years”.

The truth is, we can’t stop it. We can’t make people in the world nicer. (At least, not all of the time.)

And the bigger your vision, and the more people find out about it, the more likely all sorts of otherpeople are going to find out about it. Guess how many of them will have an opinion to share?

But if we can’t change them, or make them nicer, or more loving, or tell them that they have to give us feedback sandwiches, there is one thing we can do.

We can learn to comfort our inner selves

We can learn to parent ourselves, so that when we receive negative feedback, we are more resilient, and we are more loving.

And ultimately, we can learn to make sure that criticism doesn’t stop us from moving on our vision. To use it as an opportunity to learn, and to implement a better or more useful way for achieving the vision, that doesn’t stop us in our tracks.

Know where criticism or judgment comes from

I know firsthand how important it is to find ways of dealing with criticism. In the past I’ve had a lot of ideas for projects. But one word from my husband – which he might not even have meant as a criticism – and I would take it very personally, and shut down the whole idea before it got started.

Eventually, I really tuned into the fact that I was letting this happen. And at that point, I thought about who Greg is. Now I know that his particular energy involves saying “no”. (If you’re aware of the wealth dynamics profile, he’s a Lord). It’s just how he tests and gives input to ideas. He’s a hole-picker by nature. But the thing about that “no” is, it’s not personal. It doesn’t mean “no” to the entire vision. It’s just a challenge, and if he’s challenging my vision it actually means that he’s interested in it and making it the best it can be.

Once I got that, I quickly realized: okay, this is good, but I can’t change him. I can’t change how he is going to respond when I bring an idea. All I can change is my own resilience level.

I can shift things so that I’m more robust, and resilient when I go in with an idea, knowing that he will probably respond with the “no” initially because he filters every new thing through “how can this be better?”

So how do I do that? And how can you do it too?

Start with self love

At the baseline of all of our resilience and strength is self-love. So, start by considering your ongoing habits of self-love; recognition of your body, mind, and spirit, and the beautiful being that you are, and nurturing and nourishing that.

In our BeLove retreat we delve into habits to support you with that self-love in much greater detail. You could think about things like journaling, spontaneous moments of luxury, and gratitude. Feeling thankful for what is, and what you have, and who you are. All of these self-loving actions that you do, that have you feeling better and better about yourself over time are really, really crucial when it comes to handling criticism.

It’s that self-love that builds up your resilience, your confidence, and your self-esteem, so that you feel you can open up, and be vulnerable, and stand behind your vision. It’s like a muscle that you build over time – an exercise.

Self-love is the foundation that allows you to deal with criticism from a place of strength. And with that in place, here’s how to handle it when it arrives.

How to deal with criticism

So from time to time you’re going to receive some criticism. It might be out of the blue, or it might be that you have a great idea, and you share it with someone else and they tell you “It’s a terrible idea. It would never work because of this,” or “No. We can’t do that,” or “Who on earth are you to think that you could change the world like that?” Or “You idiot, you think having a green smoothie is going to help you lose weight. What a stupid idea!”

Whatever it might be, you will get criticized.

Here are 6 steps to take when you receive it

  1. Be prepared to listen

If you’re actively going into a situation where you’re declaring a vision to someone, whether it be at your team, your spouse, to the world, on Facebook… Know that you are about to become vulnerable, and don’t let your shame stop you from sharing something you feel called to share. Just go there and do it. And if you receive criticism, be ready to hear it the whole way through. You might read something on Facebook, or Twitter, or it might come straight back to you from your spouse. Be clear that you will hear it the whole way through.

  1. Take time out

Once you’ve heard the criticism all the way through, it’s time for you privately. If you’re in a conversation, don’t get into an argument or start justifying or disputing their points. Just say, “Thank You.” Take yourself away, and it’s time to enter your processing time.

Grab your journal, your pen and paper, and write down what bothered you about the feedback you’ve received. What’s activating you? Which are the parts that really made a big difference? Or were really yucky? What triggered you?

And then ask yourself the next question, which is: what could be helpful? Is there anything useful in this criticism?

If the answer is no – just let it go.  Sometimes it’s just so obvious it’s someone else’s stuff, or is irrelevant to you. Social media “brain farts”, as my husband calls them, don’t really need much more processing than that.

But if you sense there is something more for you there…

  1. Activate self love

At this stage, it’s really important to implement the criticism antidote – and that is self-love.

Straight away, go draw a bath with lots of essential oils, and enjoy it. Or go out for a walk, or give yourself a delicious little hand massage, or read some lovely success stories or testimonials that clients have sent you, or something that makes you feel good about you. Do something that nurtures you, and is very self-loving.

  1. Dig deeper

Then with that self-love in place you can come back to the criticism, and ask yourself: is this reminding me of anything from the past? Is this actually not about this criticism? Is it triggering something from the past? And if it is, then think about how you can release it. (We have a great audio recording to help you release limiting emotions available to all our BeOne community members – you can sign up here to receive yours).

  1. Write the letter

This is my favorite antidote to criticism, which I use quite a bit – I learnt this from Julia Cameron, in her great book the Artist’s Way. She says: write the letter. Now this is not a letter you’re ever going to send! It’s a letter to the person who is putting you down, or said the thing that hurt, and what’s important is to write it as if you were six years old. Use six year old language.

You’re just so mean. I can’t believe you said that. Didn’t you have your weetabix for breakfast? You’re a horrible, horrible, horrible person. Lalalala.

Whatever it is, right? Just get it all out, in a vindicating letter from your younger self. I really, really love doing this one, and I think you might find it helpful too. Because it allows your young self to be heard, and to be voiced.

(And for the love of God, don’t ever send the letter, right? Don’t ever, ever send that letter!)

  1. Get back in the ring

Once you’ve done that, you put it to the side, and get right back out there and into the vulnerability again.

Because you’ve got to get out there. You’ve got to keep stepping up. Go back, and finish the conversation. If it was with your spouse, share what you learned about yourself from their feedback. If it was on Twitter or Facebook, you don’t need to respond to the negative criticism at all. You can just get back out there, and put another post out about what you’re up to in the world, and your vision, whatever it is.

Commit to getting out there, and doing something more. Commit to doing something. Committing to your vision, and doing something in alignment with your vision, and saying “I don’t care what you say. My commitment to myself, and to my vision, and to my purpose on this planet is greater than anything you could ever say to me.”

The only real cure for shame and criticism is to keep stepping into vulnerability. Because on the other side of it, as Brené Brown says, is all the good stuff: The incredible joy, love, and self-expression, which is what life is all about. And that’s really all we want of you – is just all that you are.

How about you? Do you find it hard to take criticism? I’d love to know if this process works for you – let us know in the comments.

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Why you should love your inner critic

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

About six months ago, I got the idea that I wanted to get a painting that signified Mother Earth to put in this particular spot on my bedroom wall. So I did some Googling online and I found some pictures that I really liked … but they were done by an artist in the States, which got me thinking, why didn’t I just create the painting myself?

Enter the inner critic

“Who do you think you are? Look at those beautiful images. You’ll never do anything as great as that. You’ve never had any training as an artist. You’ve never even worked with paint! What are you going to do, make a crayon drawing?”

My inner critic immediately started laying into me … and I haven’t done anything about that painting since! But I’m sure that I don’t have to tell you just how powerful that inner critic can be. We all have things in our lives — often on a daily basis — that sets her off.

She stops us from putting ourselves out there. She stops us from taking risks. She stops us from saying things to our spouses. She stops us from saying things to our children. She’s generally nasty and tiresome … and I’m saying that you should love her.

Wait, what?

Here’s the thing. While your inner critic is great at tearing you down, it’s important to realise that she’s also incredibly helpful, and she very often has great intentions. You see, everyone’s inner critic has a different job based on their personality. But her job is pretty much to criticise you into being perfect before anyone else gets the opportunity to criticise you. She wants to keep you safe from hurt and rejection because if you fix whatever the problem is, then no one else gets the chance to reject you.

What’s more, she wants you to be great. She always knows when something isn’t to the highest standard, or when you’re doing something that’s not in your highest path. And while she usually lets you know that by telling you what an idiot you are, there’s friendship underlying it. And if you can start to recognise her for what she is, then you can work with her and actually take advantage of what she’s trying to do for you.

Step one: get curious

The first thing you need to do is simply to get really interested in your inner critic and to figure out when she likes to show up. What triggers her? Is she turning up when you’re at a workshop or a seminar and you want to raise your hand and ask a question? Does she show up when you’re dealing with your staff or your children? Does she show up when you make a mistake of some kind and is it any particular kind of mistake that she finds exceptionally exciting?

Step two: get compassionate

Once you recognise all of that mind chatter for what it is — your inner critic — you can also start to see the victim of the inner critic, which is that little vulnerable child within you. It’s that hurt child, that stupid child, that vulnerable child who got hurt when she was really young that the critic really lays into.

So in response, you need to be the Mother. Try to identify that little child in you who’s just been bullied to hell, step into your Mother archetype and tell her she’s loved. Just say, “You’re fine. You’re OK. You’re doing great.” Send her love.

Step three: acknowledge, thank, and dismiss

After you’ve done that, it’s time to step into your Queen archetype and have a little chat with the pixie. You can do this literally, especially at the very beginning — make a sock puppet or draw your inner critic out and have a conversation with it.

From the Queen archetype, ask the inner critic, “What are you so worried about?” And when the inner critic replies, ask her, “Why are you so worried about that?”, and keep going until you get down into the real reason, whatever’s underlying that.

Once you understand what’s really motivating the pixie, say to her “Thank you so much for looking out for me. I really appreciate that, and I’ve listened to you. I’ve got this now.”

When you can get into that space, the inner critic can then go, “OK. You listened to me, we’re OK now.” And from there, you can go on to develop a really very helpful, close relationship with your inner critic. It definitely takes practice — but it’s absolutely worth it.

I’m curious … what does your inner critic look like? Mine’s a pixie with a little green hat and pointy ears. Tell me about yours in the comments!

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The Antidote for Shame

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Have you ever tried to make a big change in your life (maybe repeatedly), only to find that for some reason, it just won’t take? It might be a problem with the method … but more than likely, it’s because you’re struggling with shame.

Sound crazy? Consider…

In the path to become more of our authentic selves, we necessarily have to become vulnerable. Just think about it: if you’re declaring that you’re going to make a change, the next thing that comes into your head is “But what are people going to think of me?”

You become exposed at a deeper level, which is how you grow into your most authentic self, but which also leaves you open to criticism and shame in the process. Stepping into vulnerability and working through shame go hand in hand.

Shame = control

When you see it that way, it’s no wonder that so many of us have such n intense “allergy” to vulnerability. As Brene Brown talks about in her great TED talk on vulnerability, we’ll do anything we can to avoid feeling vulnerable, usually by numbing out, whether that’s with alcohol, drugs, overwork, too much sex, or anything else.

See, shame is a powerful mechanism for control. When we shame someone, that’s an attempt for us to control behaviour in another person that makes us feel uncomfortable, whether that’s your toddler son playing with his penis in the bath or your dad being rude to waiters.

And so many of us are deeply, deeply shamed as children: although you may not consciously remember it now, chances are that you experienced an incident that was shaming as a child. And because of the way our bodies, minds, and souls experience shame, that incident can still have a huge impact on your behaviour as an adult!

So what’s the antidote?

If we’re going to stand up as women leaders, we have to be able to go into shame and vulnerability. Easier said than done, I know. But there are processes you can use to help yourself do this, all of which are grounded in self love.

The first thing step is simply awareness.

If you can become aware of the shame that you’re carrying around from the past, you can let it go, which can have huge ramifications for your life. The way I normally do this with people is by using a Limitation Release meditation, where you can really go back to the original incident (which is often nothing that you could have expected!)

The second step is to recognise that there’s nothing you can do to control the criticism you receive.

But what you can do is to comfort yourself and develop a level of resilience in yourself that keeps you from getting knocked down by every little bit of criticism. The way you do this? Keeping up a good regimen of self love, which often looks like doing morning writing, doing at least an hour of soft play each week, incorporating spontaneous moments of luxury into your life, and doing your thinking and thanking every day.

Finally, you need to be able to separate out helpful criticism from just plain meanness.

So whenever you’re declaring something to someone else, you need to recognise that you’re about to become vulnerable, which means that you’re probably going to have some shame coming up. Don’t let it stop you from making your declaration, just be aware of what may happen.

If you do get criticism back, then be prepared to hear it all the way through. Don’t get triggered, don’t even think of responding yet, just listen, and then go away so you can have some processing time.

During your processing time, take out your journal and ask yourself two questions: what’s triggering you, and what could possibly be helpful in that criticism?

And since you may be feeling a little raw by now, make sure that you lean very heavily on your self love practices. Draw yourself a lovely long bath with loads of essential oils, take a walk, give yourself a nice hand massage, read over some old testimonials from clients, etc.

Then and only then, come back to the criticism and ask yourself whether it reminds you of anything in the past. Can you see a connection to another shaming incident? Maybe something that came up in your limitation release?

As part of this, write a letter to the person who gave you the criticism in the voice of your younger self. Really let them have it, don’t hold back! This allows your younger self to be heard in a safe way, and you can then burn or trash the letter.

Finally, to round it off, go back and finish the conversation with the person, or, if your shaming incident came from something like a blog comment or social media, just go out there and put out another post. Show the world again that you’re committed to this change and this dream, even though it means you have to be vulnerable, because you know that’s how you can get to the greatest parts of life.

Now, what I’d love you to do is to try a limitation release exercise, recommit to your self love habits, and try the final exercise of separating helpful criticism from meanness with at least one thing in the next week.

Know that I’m cheering you on all the way!