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Guest blog: How to stop standing on the sidelines

By

Nadia Finer
Nadia Finer
Boxer with a legendary left hook | Daughter of an inventor | Shycologist at Shy and Mighty
I’m Nadia Finer, and I’m on a softly-spoken mission to help shy people be more mighty. I know what it’s like to struggle with shyness. You see, all my life I’ve had a little voice. Really little. The kind of voice that makes random people tell me that I should be a cartoon voice-over actress. A voice so little that when strangers ring my house phone, they ask me to put my mum on the phone. It’s no wonder I’m often shy and self-conscious!

I have spent the last 13 years helping people of all ages overcome their fears and insecurities so that they can step out of the shadows and achieve big things, without changing who they really are. I'm writing a new book called Shy and Mighty, (published by Quercus) as well as a book about shyness for kids.

I’ve travelled the world, speaking at international conferences, and have appeared in the Guardian, Radio 4, Entrepreneur.com, The Telegraph, The Independent, HR Magazine and on BBC Radio London.

To find out more about Nadia's work, check out her website and join the shy revolution at www.shyandmighty.com
Nadia Finer
Latest posts by Nadia Finer (see all)

I buy an ice cream and find a nice shady spot on a wall, by the edge of the road. The sun is beating down, and my ice cream is in danger of melting if I don’t eat it quickly.

I smell them before I see them. The wave of body odour hits me in the face. Then, the runners appear in a cloud of dust, commitment and endorphins. They thunder past, like a herd of wildebeest. This time, I can’t even spot him in the crowd.

Do you know what it’s like to be standing on the sidelines?

I do.

As a quiet student in a noisy class of super brains; as the girlfriend of a cute boy in a band; then a football widow, a soccer mum, and most recently, a business owner afraid of putting herself out there… standing on the sidelines is the story of my life!

I’m expert at standing back and watching other people shine.

And it turns out I’m not alone. 57% of us are shy. Half of the population are standing awkwardly on the edge of life, watching the other half get stuck in.

We are capable, smart and intelligent. We have knowledge and skills and experience. We have ideas, hopes, dreams and vision. We’ve got it going on. And yet, we hold ourselves back. We hide.

It’s happening in school, in relationships, in the home, in meetings, in organisations and in society as a whole.

Why shy people don’t get heard

Faced with the powerful force of loud, self-assured voices, we shy people can’t seem to find ours.

We stand back. We put our own opinions and wants and needs to one side. We let other people speak for us. We let other people shine.

We worry about being judged. We shrink away from competition and self-promotion.

We work and work and create and make. We worry about messing up, saying the wrong thing, or being criticised.

We feel like we’re not good enough, like our ideas are not valid and our voice doesn’t matter.

So, we keep our gifts locked away inside us. We don’t put up our hand. We don’t hit publish. Or send. Or unmute. We stand back and watch as other people get the recognition we deserve.

We stay standing on the sidelines — when we could be playing full out.

What happens when we’re shy?

When we stand on the sidelines, we miss out on experiences and fun and success and fulfillment and opportunities and happiness. When we allow our self-consciousness and insecurities to control us, we end up feeling stuck, frustrated and alone.

According to my research, shy people are less likely than outgoing people to get good jobs and earn lots of money. Shy people are half as likely to be happy than outgoing people.

Shy people are not broken. You don’t need to change who you are.

But, if your shyness is causing you to miss out, that is an issue.

And we are not the only ones missing out.

When we are silent, society as a whole misses out too. You have so much to offer.

The world needs your quiet, carefully considered perspectives, your innovative ideas, your intelligent solutions to complex problems, your authentic voice, your empathy, and your kindness.

If everyone was loud and shouty, nobody would be heard and nothing would get done! We’ve seen what happens when the world is dominated by loud people.

And that’s why we shy people need to embrace our shyness, to work with it, and find our voice. Because, we are the shy potential.

4 ways to find your voice and stop standing on the sidelines

#1 Talk about shyness

Shyness is not a shameful secret for people to mask and hide. Let’s start a conversation and make it easier for shy people to express how they’re feeling. If you get a sense that someone you’re close to is shy, start a conversation and invite them to share their experience and fears, so that you can better understand and support them.

#2 Create the conditions

Instead of feeling like a victim of shyness, let’s take control of our lives and create conditions that work for us. For example, if you find it hard to get a word in during remote meetings, suggest to your manager that you submit your ideas after each meeting. It feels good to be in control!

#3 Remember your purpose

Focus on the reason why you’re doing what you do. Your people need you. They need you to speak up and share what’s on your mind. Your purpose is more powerful than the fears holding you back.

#4 Find your voice

Shyness makes us want to hide away. It can make it hard to speak up. So much goes unspoken. Look for different ways to express yourself, privately, without worrying about judgement or perfection. Write a journal, start a book of doodles, learn to crochet, sing in the shower – choose something that feels easy and fun for you.

Are you standing on the sidelines?

Are you a shy person… or perhaps you feel confident in some contexts, and not in others? Do you feel like you’re standing on the sidelines of your life, wishing you could take part? I’d love to invite you to find your voice and say hi in the comments below. Let me know if this article resonates with you, and if you’ve any other helpful tips to share!

Meet Nadia

Boxer with a legendary left hook | Daughter of an inventor | Shycologist

Nadia Finer - author of How to stop standing on the sidelinesI’m Nadia Finer, and I’m on a softly-spoken mission to help shy people be more mighty. I know what it’s like to struggle with shyness. You see, all my life I’ve had a little voice. Really little. The kind of voice that makes random people tell me that I should be a cartoon voice-over actress. A voice so little that when strangers ring my house phone, they ask me to put my mum on the phone. It’s no wonder I’m often shy and self-conscious!

I have spent the last 13 years helping people of all ages overcome their fears and insecurities so that they can step out of the shadows and achieve big things, without changing who they really are. I’m writing a new book called Shy and Mighty, (published by Quercus) as well as a book about shyness for kids.

I’ve travelled the world, speaking at international conferences, and have appeared in the Guardian, Radio 4, Entrepreneur.com, The Telegraph, The Independent, HR Magazine and on BBC Radio London.

To find out more about Nadia’s work, check out her website and join the shy revolution at www.shyandmighty.com

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When you feel like you’re failing

By

Joanna Martin
Joanna Martin
Founder at One of many
Founder: One of many. Author. Ex-doctor. Entrepreneur. Sister. Sometime Actor. Baby Wrangler. Personal Chef. Mother.
Joanna Martin
Latest posts by Joanna Martin (see all)

Do you ever feel like a total failure? Whether it’s messing up as a mum or dropping the ball on a key work target, when you feel like you’re failing it can be tough to pick yourself up and keep going.

And yet failure can actually be an incredibly powerful tool for growth. What makes the difference is how you look at it – and what you allow the experience to teach you.

Here are 5 ways to rethink failure

1. Are you really failing at all?

Successful women have a tendency to be really hard on ourselves. We have high standards, sure, but sometimes wanting to do things well can tip into “Superwoman” mode.

Superwoman doesn’t just set the bar high, she demands nothing less than perfection – even when it’s impossible.

If you’ve just got back from a fraught day at work, supported a team member who’s going through a really difficult divorce, met some vital deadlines, and cooked yourself a healthy meal – are you really a failure because you didn’t make it to the gym?

If your failure stems from being worn out, depleted or burnt out, it’s time to take care of yourself.

Delegate. Order a takeway. Get an early night. The world won’t end, I promise. And once you’re in a better place, get realistic about everything you’ve been doing. Perhaps it’s a case of managing your own expectations, rather than writing yourself off as a hopeless case.

But let’s say you’ve rested, nourished yourself, and it’s still there in black and white: you’ve failed at something you set out to do. What then? Time for step two…

2. What have you learned about what you CAN do?

Arianna Huffington is a roaring success by most people’s standards, and she’s been really open about the mistakes and missteps she’s made along the way. In a 2013 interview she explained how she consciously frames failure in a way that allows her to grow and take risks.

“In own life, a key component of whatever successes I’ve had has been what I’ve learned from my failures. When I ran for governor of California in 2003, it was a failure—but I learned a tremendous amount about the power of the internet.

I also learned a lot about myself, about communicating, being able to touch people’s hearts and minds, and listening. All the things that were ingrained in me during the campaign definitely had an impact in forming Huffington Post.”—Inc, 2013

Almost every failure contains some lessons about what you can do well. Maybe your first foray into event planning was a total bust. Turned out you’d forgotten some key details, totally underestimated the catering, and felt super stressed all day.

On the other hand, you might have loved the process of spreading the word about the meetup, sharing on social media, and planning the overall theme of the event.

What does that tell you about where your strengths are? What can you choose to focus on as you move forward?

3. What have you learned about what you can let go of?

The other big lesson “failures” can teach us is that we’re on the wrong path. It’s easy to get sucked into an idealistic version of what a new thing might be like.

Take starting a business – if you’re in the corporate world it might seem like a dream come true to be able to set your own hours, choose your clients and have full control over your income.

And yet when you do set out on your own, there are all sorts of other realities. The loneliness of working from home when you’re used to being surrounded by colleagues. The responsibility of setting your own strategy and targets, and then having to make sure everything gets done – from accounts to tech support. The lack of boundaries between work and the rest of your life.

Failure is a wonderful opportunity to find out if it’s time to adjust and find a different course. And the relief of deciding “that’s not for me”, instead of beating yourself up for not being instantly great at something, really is priceless.

4. What’s this failure making space for?

This mindset shift is a really powerful one.

One thing I’ve learned about failure is this: you can trust in life that if the thing you hoped hasn’t worked out like you planned, it’s usually because life has something much bigger and better in store.

When you take action, you begin to build connections and flow in an infinite number of ways. You become visible, you connect to new and different opportunities, and you strengthen your ability to take action, try things out, and make changes.

To take that last example, maybe you decide that self-employment isn’t for you. But when you started your business, you went to a bunch of networking events and met some really interesting people. One of them reaches out to you via LinkedIn because they’ve got the perfect opportunity for you in an organization you’d never heard of before then.

Failure isn’t an end point. It’s a door to something different – and you have to move through it if you’re going to get there. Which leads me to a question you might not have thought about before.

5. How can you celebrate this failure?

When you’re stinging from criticism, or churning over a mistake again and again in your mind, celebrating what’s gone wrong might be the furthest thing from your mind.

But overcoming failure is often a major precursor to our greatest successes. The only way to avoid failure is never to try anything new; never to step outside what’s comfortable and easy. And that’s never going to allow you to make the difference you’re here to make in the world.

“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. Doing what you’re afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that – that’s what life is. You might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that’s really special and if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. Now you know something about yourself”

― Amy Poehler

Whether you’ve learned something about what you love to do, or just gained some incredible clarity about what you’ll never attempt again, celebrate the fact that you tried. You’ve learned. And instead of saying safe, you’ve put yourself out there into the world. If that’s not worth celebrating, I don’t know what is.

What’s your relationship with failure?

How do you feel about failure? Are you pretty comfortable picking yourself up and getting back on track, or does the prospect of failure leave you paralysed? Let us know in the comments below – I have a hunch this is a bigger fear than a lot of us admit, and I’d love to know your take.

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